1 00:00:00,840 --> 00:00:04,240 Speaker 1: What if the way you argue with your partner or 2 00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:09,639 Speaker 1: push yourself at work isn't actually yours, but something that 3 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:16,320 Speaker 1: you inherited without even realizing. On today's quick Win, educator 4 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:20,600 Speaker 1: and author Layelle's Stone explains how the stories we absorb 5 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:26,520 Speaker 1: in childhood silently shape our beliefs and behaviors about relationships, money, 6 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:30,080 Speaker 1: and success. By the end of today's quick Win, you 7 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:35,159 Speaker 1: will see how uncovering these invisible imprints can change the 8 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:40,479 Speaker 1: way you show up in every part of your life. 9 00:00:45,159 --> 00:00:48,919 Speaker 1: Welcome to How I Work, a show about habits, rituals, 10 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:52,880 Speaker 1: and strategies for optimizing your day. I'm your host, doctor 11 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:53,600 Speaker 1: Amantha Imber. 12 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:01,360 Speaker 2: Now I want to talk about the concept of imprints, 13 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:04,760 Speaker 2: which is a large part of what you write about, 14 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:08,080 Speaker 2: you know, in your story and you know, I guess 15 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:11,080 Speaker 2: like what we've been talking about so far is really 16 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:15,520 Speaker 2: influenced by imprints. So to start with, what is an imprint? 17 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:18,639 Speaker 3: Well, I explained an imprint, it's like a belief system, 18 00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:21,040 Speaker 3: more story that we take on board from our childhood 19 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:23,520 Speaker 3: that we believe to be true. So we have imprints 20 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:26,160 Speaker 3: around everything. From the moment we're born, We're watching our 21 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:29,160 Speaker 3: family of origin and so we begin to make sense 22 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:31,280 Speaker 3: of the world through the lens we look through and 23 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:34,640 Speaker 3: watching them. So I give explanations of like, you know, 24 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:37,880 Speaker 3: if you grew up in a family that loved nature, right, 25 00:01:37,959 --> 00:01:39,800 Speaker 3: and it was a really important thing for them to 26 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,600 Speaker 3: take care of the environment, that's going to become an 27 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:44,760 Speaker 3: imprint for you. That is kind of an unconscious, you know, 28 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:47,319 Speaker 3: subconscious thing around Oh, we take care of the earth. 29 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:49,240 Speaker 3: We take care of the environment, because that's just what 30 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,960 Speaker 3: your parents or your family of origin really valued. It 31 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:55,560 Speaker 3: might be that your family of origin really were into 32 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:58,720 Speaker 3: helping others and maybe they like to, you know, donate 33 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:01,120 Speaker 3: their time or donate good words, and again something that 34 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:03,240 Speaker 3: you may have watched in your family of origin. Really 35 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:05,320 Speaker 3: it's a beautiful thing to give to others, and that 36 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:07,840 Speaker 3: may be something that you've taken on board. We have 37 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:12,720 Speaker 3: imprints around everything from relationships to money, to success, to 38 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:15,320 Speaker 3: how we feel about our bodies, to food to everything. Right, 39 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:18,240 Speaker 3: So we watch all these amazing things, and some of 40 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:20,320 Speaker 3: them are really brilliant, these imprints, and some of them 41 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,760 Speaker 3: make you take risks and you know, work hard and 42 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,320 Speaker 3: there's a lot of beauty in it. Equally, we have 43 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:28,920 Speaker 3: imprints that don't service right, and so like some of 44 00:02:28,919 --> 00:02:31,320 Speaker 3: the classic ones that often see. If you grew up 45 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:34,399 Speaker 3: in a family where emotions we never expressed or never 46 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:37,400 Speaker 3: talked about, everything was pushed under the rug or you 47 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,440 Speaker 3: got shamed when you got upset, then you take on 48 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:41,760 Speaker 3: board an imprinterval it's not okay to feel my feelings 49 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,920 Speaker 3: and it's definitely not okay to express them. That's a 50 00:02:43,919 --> 00:02:46,040 Speaker 3: big one for a lot of people. If you grew up, 51 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,240 Speaker 3: you know, watching your parents and the way they communicated 52 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,080 Speaker 3: with each other was to yell at each other at 53 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:54,120 Speaker 3: a time, you know, on some level your lens becomes, oh, 54 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,360 Speaker 3: that's how you do relationships right. And then you maybe 55 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:58,440 Speaker 3: grow up and you get into a relationship and you 56 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:01,079 Speaker 3: start picking fight and yelling and partner's not yelling back, 57 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:02,760 Speaker 3: and you're like, well, don't you love me, because if 58 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:04,560 Speaker 3: you love me, you'd yell at me, right. This is 59 00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:06,960 Speaker 3: what it creates to love for you know, if we 60 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,079 Speaker 3: grow up watching our parents be really tender and take 61 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:10,920 Speaker 3: care of each other, that becomes a bit of a 62 00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,800 Speaker 3: story around this is what relationship should look like. So 63 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:17,120 Speaker 3: we have them on everything, and some service and some don't. 64 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,600 Speaker 3: And I think what I have found, and I guess 65 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:22,000 Speaker 3: why I've really focused on this on the book is 66 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,240 Speaker 3: a lot of my work has really been around parenting 67 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,320 Speaker 3: and around helping parents work with their kids, and so 68 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,880 Speaker 3: I would work with thousands of parents and give them 69 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:31,720 Speaker 3: tools about how to get their kids to cooperate and 70 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,880 Speaker 3: listening to feelings and all that kind of stuff. But 71 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,320 Speaker 3: what I found kept tripping people up is no matter 72 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:39,040 Speaker 3: how many tools I gave them, if their imprint were 73 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:44,400 Speaker 3: so deeply entrenched in the disconnection of feelings in stories 74 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,880 Speaker 3: around you know, kids must be good, or this is 75 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:50,400 Speaker 3: about respect or whatever, it was, no matter how many 76 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,960 Speaker 3: times we talk about those tools, their default was to 77 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,320 Speaker 3: go back to what they had been shown. And so 78 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:57,600 Speaker 3: I began to really say, you know, and this is 79 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:00,680 Speaker 3: very true in many different things, but especially in parenting. 80 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,280 Speaker 3: We can turn up and do one thing, but unless 81 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:05,520 Speaker 3: we look at our own story, you know, that often 82 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:08,720 Speaker 3: doesn't hold. And so part of I guess why this 83 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,960 Speaker 3: book came about is because working with all these parents, 84 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,400 Speaker 3: I began to see that it really was the imprints 85 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,440 Speaker 3: that they were modeled when they were younger that was 86 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,960 Speaker 3: impacting how they were turning up with their kids. And 87 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,760 Speaker 3: then I realized this is not just about parenting. This 88 00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:22,400 Speaker 3: is everything. This is how we turn up in the workplace, 89 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,880 Speaker 3: this is how we turn up in our relationships, this 90 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,839 Speaker 3: is how we do life. And really a lot of 91 00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:30,280 Speaker 3: the imprints that we have are deeply unconscious. We don't 92 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:31,040 Speaker 3: even actually know. 93 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:31,600 Speaker 2: That they're there. 94 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:34,760 Speaker 3: And then when we do begin to understand or where 95 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:36,760 Speaker 3: they've come from or where they are, often one of 96 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:40,080 Speaker 3: the biggest challenges is we feel that we're being disloyal 97 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,280 Speaker 3: to our family if we begin to change them. And 98 00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:45,120 Speaker 3: that's a whole other interesting piece that I've found pops up. 99 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,760 Speaker 3: If people are like, yeah, I want to be successful, 100 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:49,320 Speaker 3: or I want to earn money, or I want to 101 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:51,400 Speaker 3: start my own business. But if you come from a 102 00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,760 Speaker 3: family of origin, that's like, you know, no, no, no, 103 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:56,400 Speaker 3: we stick to safe, secure things, you know, and you 104 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:58,680 Speaker 3: only earn this much money, And this is what it is. 105 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,680 Speaker 3: We can often feel we're being disloyal to our family 106 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,840 Speaker 3: of origin, so we can sabotage ourselves, or even our 107 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,040 Speaker 3: family of origin may tell us we're ridiculous. They might 108 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,520 Speaker 3: be like, don't try that, you know, don't take a risk. 109 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,920 Speaker 3: You do stuff that is safe, right, And so these 110 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,800 Speaker 3: are the stories in the belief systems that actually keep 111 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:16,599 Speaker 3: us pretty small and pretty locked down. 112 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:21,400 Speaker 4: Listening to this excerpt with Layel reminded me just how 113 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:26,320 Speaker 4: many of our daily reactions aren't conscious choices. They're old 114 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:30,520 Speaker 4: imprints playing out. So the next time you find yourself 115 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:34,000 Speaker 4: stuck in a pattern, whether that's snapping in an argument 116 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:38,520 Speaker 4: or shrinking back from taking a risk, pause and ask 117 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:43,720 Speaker 4: is this really mine or something I inherited? And if 118 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:47,040 Speaker 4: you want to go deeper into how family stories and 119 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 4: old patterns shape the way we work, I recommend listening 120 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,680 Speaker 4: to my full chat with Layel. You can find a 121 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:57,400 Speaker 4: link to both parts one and two in the show notes. 122 00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,520 Speaker 1: If you like today's show, make sure you hit follow 123 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:04,119 Speaker 1: on your podcast app to be alerted when new episodes drop. 124 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:05,640 Speaker 1: How I Work was recorded 125 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:08,320 Speaker 2: On the traditional land of the Warringery people, part of 126 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:09,080 Speaker 2: the Coulan nation.