1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:05,560 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. 2 00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:09,159 Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just 3 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:10,399 Speaker 2: answers Now. 4 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:13,080 Speaker 3: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson today, a guest on 5 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:15,079 Speaker 3: the podcast that I'm so excited to be able to 6 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:17,720 Speaker 3: speak with. If I was to put together a list 7 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:21,200 Speaker 3: of favorite authors, favorite influencers, people who have done things 8 00:00:21,239 --> 00:00:25,000 Speaker 3: that are talk worthy, right at the top of the 9 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:27,080 Speaker 3: list would be a guy by the name of Daniel Pink. 10 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:30,080 Speaker 3: Dan Pink is the author of five New York Times 11 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:34,239 Speaker 3: best sellers, including his latest book, The Power of Regret, 12 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:38,600 Speaker 3: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. He also wrote a 13 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:40,840 Speaker 3: book that almost everyone in the entire world has read, 14 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:43,440 Speaker 3: I'm sure, called Drive. And he had a book just 15 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,000 Speaker 3: come out in the last year or so as well 16 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:47,239 Speaker 3: called When He's Prolific. 17 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:48,240 Speaker 1: That's all I can say. 18 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:50,800 Speaker 3: He's had a TV show on National Geographic that's been 19 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,960 Speaker 3: seen in like one hundred countries, writes for all of 20 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:56,880 Speaker 3: the big publications in the US and around the world, 21 00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,040 Speaker 3: and has done a whole lot more stuff. And Dan 22 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,600 Speaker 3: joins me for a conversation about his brand new book, 23 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:06,000 Speaker 3: The Power of Regret, How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Dan, 24 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,200 Speaker 3: thanks for being on the Happy Family's podcast. This is 25 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:09,720 Speaker 3: an absolute delight. 26 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 2: I'm glad to be with you justin thanks for having me, So. 27 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:14,360 Speaker 1: Dan, I'm going to show you my phone just here 28 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:14,839 Speaker 1: for a sec. 29 00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:18,039 Speaker 3: It's literally gone blank as I picked it up on 30 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:21,039 Speaker 3: the let me find it here. On the twenty fourth 31 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:25,080 Speaker 3: of the fourth twenty twenty one, I wrote this little 32 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,679 Speaker 3: note to myself that I wanted to write a book 33 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:31,720 Speaker 3: all about the power of regret. In fact, I've come 34 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,959 Speaker 3: up with the opener. I wrote, of all the words 35 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,600 Speaker 3: of tongue and pen the saddestar, what could have been 36 00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:39,800 Speaker 3: a little couplet. I thought, let's write a book about regrets, 37 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,200 Speaker 3: the science of regret, examples of people's regret. Should we 38 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:44,840 Speaker 3: avoid regret? Or is it our best teacher? I thought, 39 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:46,920 Speaker 3: there's something in this. I've got an idea. I reckon 40 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:50,000 Speaker 3: it could be a New York Times bestseller. And I 41 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:52,680 Speaker 3: regret taking so long to get onto it. But somehow 42 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:53,880 Speaker 3: I think that you did a better job than I 43 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:54,520 Speaker 3: would have done. 44 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:55,960 Speaker 2: You know, I wish you would have done. It would 45 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,360 Speaker 2: have saved me a lot of grief of writing this. 46 00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,840 Speaker 3: Book, So Dan, so many people say that they don't 47 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:03,520 Speaker 3: have regrets. You've touched on that in the book. Why 48 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:04,960 Speaker 3: do you think there's saying that that I don't have 49 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:08,640 Speaker 3: any regrets and you actually rejected outright, Why do you 50 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:09,040 Speaker 3: do that? 51 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:12,639 Speaker 2: Well, let's talk about the baseline first, is that everybody 52 00:02:12,639 --> 00:02:15,920 Speaker 2: has regrets. What we know from sixty years of science 53 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:20,400 Speaker 2: in psychology, neuroscience, cognitive science, development of psychology, is that 54 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,960 Speaker 2: regret is one of the most common emotions that human 55 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:26,520 Speaker 2: beings have. It's arguably the most common negative emotion that 56 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:31,000 Speaker 2: human beings have. If you don't have regrets, it means 57 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:32,880 Speaker 2: you're probably a five year old, or you have some 58 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:36,600 Speaker 2: brain disorder or your sociopath But everybody has regrets. So 59 00:02:36,919 --> 00:02:39,240 Speaker 2: why would people say that right when we know that 60 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:41,520 Speaker 2: everybody has regrets? And I think it's a really intriguing 61 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,840 Speaker 2: question justin I think one of them is I think 62 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:45,480 Speaker 2: part of it is is that people think that that 63 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:48,639 Speaker 2: is courageous, that that's a sign of courage. I don't 64 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:51,359 Speaker 2: have any regrets. You know, I'm bold, I'm courageous, right. 65 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,160 Speaker 2: I think that's one reason. I think another reason is 66 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:58,520 Speaker 2: that people are over indexed on positivity. They think that 67 00:02:58,600 --> 00:02:59,960 Speaker 2: the way to lead a good life is to have 68 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:02,840 Speaker 2: only positive emotions and no negative emotions. And I think 69 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:05,040 Speaker 2: another reason is that we don't know what to do 70 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:07,360 Speaker 2: with our regrets, so it's much easier to ignore than 71 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,440 Speaker 2: or bury them. It turns out that we have a 72 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:14,560 Speaker 2: half century of science saying that is a colossally bad idea. 73 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,360 Speaker 2: So what I'm trying to do in part in this 74 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:20,720 Speaker 2: book is normalize this emotion of regret because it's normal. 75 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:24,280 Speaker 3: There's a parent on page forty four of the book 76 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:28,239 Speaker 3: who says one of her great regrets is, and I quote, 77 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,040 Speaker 3: I yelled at my daughter when she was five on 78 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,320 Speaker 3: the way to school when she spilled some yogat on 79 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:33,120 Speaker 3: her uniform. 80 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,720 Speaker 1: I really lated to her, and I've regretted it ever since. 81 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:37,120 Speaker 1: She didn't deserve that. 82 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:38,960 Speaker 3: I upset her so much, and for what a bit 83 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,640 Speaker 3: of a stain on her uniform. I will never stop 84 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,360 Speaker 3: regretting that moment. I've never yielded her in that way again. 85 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,040 Speaker 3: So I learned from that mistake, but I wish I 86 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:47,080 Speaker 3: could take that moment back. 87 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:48,720 Speaker 1: Now. I read that and I thought two things. 88 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,040 Speaker 3: Number one, I relate, But number two, if that's the 89 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:52,720 Speaker 3: worst thing she's ever done, she must be a pretty 90 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:53,120 Speaker 3: good mum. 91 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,360 Speaker 2: It's an interesting thing about what people regret. Obviously this 92 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,800 Speaker 2: and I think that tells us something. Okay, so let's 93 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,520 Speaker 2: let's let's probe that just a little bit. Think about 94 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:05,080 Speaker 2: that mom or think about any parent, all right, Think 95 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,640 Speaker 2: about all the decisions that you make as a parent. 96 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:09,520 Speaker 2: Think about all the decisions you made as a parent 97 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:13,400 Speaker 2: yesterday or last week or last year. Think about all 98 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:16,120 Speaker 2: the actions you took as a parent yesterday or last 99 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:21,640 Speaker 2: week or last year. Most of them you me, I 100 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:25,000 Speaker 2: don't even remember. Okay. So if you have an action 101 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:27,680 Speaker 2: or a decision or somebody that happens to you and 102 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,360 Speaker 2: not only do you remember it, which itself is amazing, 103 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,119 Speaker 2: but you remember it and it makes you feel bad, 104 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:40,039 Speaker 2: that's a very very very very strong signal. And so 105 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,680 Speaker 2: my guess with this person, and what is it the 106 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:44,599 Speaker 2: signal of? It's a signal of And this is the 107 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:48,280 Speaker 2: thing about regret. Regret clarifies what we value and instructs 108 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,880 Speaker 2: us on how to do better. Now, it sounds I 109 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:53,200 Speaker 2: did not interview that person. That was an anonymous entry 110 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,320 Speaker 2: and among the regrets that I collected, But my guess 111 00:04:56,360 --> 00:05:00,680 Speaker 2: is that that person has actually used that as instruction 112 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,880 Speaker 2: for the future. But I think the other thing about 113 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:05,880 Speaker 2: it is that it probably raised the question of what 114 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,839 Speaker 2: she values. And I think what she values this kindness, 115 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:10,360 Speaker 2: not only towards her children, but toward toward other people. 116 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:13,760 Speaker 2: And so in that sense, this negative feeling is actually 117 00:05:13,839 --> 00:05:17,200 Speaker 2: incredibly helpful because in this case, it's a message to 118 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:20,240 Speaker 2: this parent saying, you know what, I actually value kindness 119 00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:22,320 Speaker 2: more than I expect, and I've been falling down on that. 120 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,000 Speaker 2: I need to be kinder more broadly. Second, it's offering 121 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,720 Speaker 2: her instruction about how to deal with her kids. Now 122 00:05:27,839 --> 00:05:31,240 Speaker 2: what she could have said, no regrets, I yell up 123 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:35,280 Speaker 2: my kid who cares? All Right, that's not a good idea. 124 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:37,320 Speaker 2: That's not a good idea because you don't learn of 125 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:40,640 Speaker 2: anything from that. And so now I'll tell you it's 126 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:43,719 Speaker 2: also a bad idea. I yellt up my kid. Oh 127 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,800 Speaker 2: my god, I am the worst parent there ever was. 128 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,760 Speaker 2: I'm going to wallow in that regret. I'm going to 129 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:49,640 Speaker 2: rum it. That's a bad idea too. What we want 130 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,640 Speaker 2: to do is we want to use those regrets as 131 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:56,360 Speaker 2: a signal, as information, as data, enlist them, draw lessons 132 00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:58,840 Speaker 2: from them, and use those lessons to move forward. 133 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,320 Speaker 3: I want to talk about that as less since in 134 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:02,920 Speaker 3: just to say, but first a little bit of autobiography, 135 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:07,120 Speaker 3: if I can. My career is built on regret. Uh 136 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,040 Speaker 3: early literally early mistakes that I made as a father. 137 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:14,800 Speaker 3: I couldn't be more grateful for my regrets, couldn't be 138 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:16,640 Speaker 3: more grateful for them. And and in the power of 139 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:19,280 Speaker 3: regret in your book, you talk a lot about how 140 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:21,680 Speaker 3: we can reframe regret. We can look at what that 141 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,120 Speaker 3: mom did and how she, instead of beating herself up, 142 00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:26,479 Speaker 3: can say this is a learning opportunity. 143 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,320 Speaker 1: How does this reframing work? 144 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,280 Speaker 2: Well, I mean what we I mean, what we want 145 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,960 Speaker 2: to do, as I said before, is find the third 146 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,800 Speaker 2: way again, don't ignore, don't willow and confront. Now, how 147 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,400 Speaker 2: do we do that? To me? There's a there's a 148 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,960 Speaker 2: there's a there's a process that we should go through. 149 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,440 Speaker 2: It's it's relatively simple, isn't no one and it's rooted 150 00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:45,080 Speaker 2: in science. Is that no one ever talks about it, 151 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:46,520 Speaker 2: no one ever, no one ever taught us how to 152 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,880 Speaker 2: do it. So the first step, if we can think 153 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:52,680 Speaker 2: of it as three stages inward outward forward, inward, outward forward, 154 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,000 Speaker 2: So inward is your first step is how do you 155 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:59,159 Speaker 2: reframe how you think of yourself and and think of 156 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:01,000 Speaker 2: the regret. And one of the things that we see 157 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,600 Speaker 2: is that when we screw up as parents or as 158 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:07,039 Speaker 2: people or people who are parents, the way we talk 159 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:08,120 Speaker 2: to ourselves is brutal. 160 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:08,760 Speaker 1: It's cruel. 161 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,800 Speaker 2: Our self talk is often lacerating. That's a bad idea. 162 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,000 Speaker 2: There's no evidence that's effective. What we should be doing 163 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,240 Speaker 2: in the face of these mistakes is treating ourselves with 164 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:19,920 Speaker 2: kindness rather than contempt. Recognizing that our mistakes are part 165 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,800 Speaker 2: of the human condition. That itself is really important. I've 166 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,160 Speaker 2: collected regrets from all over the world. Any regret that 167 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,680 Speaker 2: any parent out that there has, I got it in 168 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:31,480 Speaker 2: my database. I mean, you know, our regrets are part 169 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,080 Speaker 2: of the human condition. The other thing that I think 170 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,960 Speaker 2: is important for parents is that when you screw up, 171 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,520 Speaker 2: when you make a mistake, that's a moment in your life. 172 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,440 Speaker 2: It's not the full measure of your life. That's a 173 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:45,600 Speaker 2: moment in your parenting history. It's not the full definition 174 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:47,920 Speaker 2: of your parenting history. And so when we do that, 175 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:52,720 Speaker 2: that inward look frees us up to do the more 176 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,760 Speaker 2: cognitive work of making sense of our regret and drawing 177 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:56,480 Speaker 2: lessons from it. 178 00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,400 Speaker 3: In the book you talk about at leasting, and if 179 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:02,320 Speaker 3: only can you maybe step through those strategies. I feel 180 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:05,520 Speaker 3: like they're just so immensely perfectly practical for what a 181 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,920 Speaker 3: parent can do when they blow it, when they lose 182 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:11,600 Speaker 3: it with their kids, or when they're impatient or completely 183 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:12,400 Speaker 3: fail to show up. 184 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:18,960 Speaker 2: So regret is driven powered by something called counterfactual thinking, 185 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:22,400 Speaker 2: that our brains can't imagine events that run counter to 186 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,680 Speaker 2: the actual facts. And there are two types of counterfactual thinking. 187 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:31,080 Speaker 2: There is what psychologists call upward counterfactuals, where you imagine 188 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:34,720 Speaker 2: how things could have been better. If only I had 189 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:39,040 Speaker 2: married Edward instead of Frank, my life would be better, right, 190 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:42,080 Speaker 2: so you imagine not things could be better upward counterfactual. 191 00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:46,959 Speaker 2: They're also something known as a downward counterfactual, where you 192 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:49,720 Speaker 2: imagine how things could have turned out worse, where you say, 193 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:53,360 Speaker 2: I regret marrying Edward, but at least I have these 194 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,200 Speaker 2: two great kids. Okay, so you find the silver line again, 195 00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:59,839 Speaker 2: And then here's what we know upward counterfactuals. If only 196 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:05,800 Speaker 2: regret is the poster child of upward counterfactor rules. If 197 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:09,959 Speaker 2: only make us feel worse, but help us do better 198 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:14,120 Speaker 2: at least, don't help us do better, but they help 199 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,600 Speaker 2: us feel better, and sometimes that's okay. And so there 200 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,880 Speaker 2: are times where you actually want to do it, at 201 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,480 Speaker 2: least with a regret, just to make yourself feel better 202 00:09:22,679 --> 00:09:25,640 Speaker 2: and move on. So you could say something like the 203 00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:28,760 Speaker 2: mommy you were talking about before, I regret yelling at 204 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:33,120 Speaker 2: my kid for spilling yogurt on her uniform. But at 205 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,680 Speaker 2: least I didn't do that a second time. At least 206 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:39,000 Speaker 2: I didn't escalate it. At least I apologized, And that 207 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:41,880 Speaker 2: can actually mitigate some of the psychological sting. 208 00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:44,960 Speaker 3: Dan, if you would give timepol parents who feel I've 209 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,360 Speaker 3: bewhelmed any advice at all, would what would it be? 210 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:51,040 Speaker 3: I mean, the role of parenting is it's like Sissyphus 211 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:52,959 Speaker 3: and the style right. Every single day we've got to 212 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,600 Speaker 3: get up and we've got to do it again so much, 213 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:55,400 Speaker 3: so much. 214 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:58,400 Speaker 1: Of parenting is correction and direction. 215 00:09:59,559 --> 00:10:02,199 Speaker 3: This so little time for connection, and we get it 216 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:06,079 Speaker 3: wrong because we're so busy intensifying our parenting efforts. 217 00:10:06,679 --> 00:10:08,280 Speaker 1: When you think about all the things. 218 00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:10,240 Speaker 3: That you read and you'll regret survey, when you think 219 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:13,200 Speaker 3: about all the things that like the real message of 220 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:15,360 Speaker 3: the power of regret, and you'll fly it to what 221 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,079 Speaker 3: it feels like to be a parent. I mean, you've 222 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:20,960 Speaker 3: got kids yourself, how do you how do you take 223 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,960 Speaker 3: that Internet into something that's really useful as parents are 224 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,360 Speaker 3: struggling with the every day of parenting. 225 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,720 Speaker 2: There are a whole bunch of things justin the people 226 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,280 Speaker 2: can do here. So let me offer a few sort 227 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:33,080 Speaker 2: of practical tips. One of them is that it's very 228 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:36,000 Speaker 2: important that we normalize as emotion of regret one of 229 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,120 Speaker 2: the things that we see, especially with adolescents. And you 230 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:41,760 Speaker 2: know this is especially here in the States. I think 231 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:45,600 Speaker 2: maybe less so, but still in Australia. Is some serious 232 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:50,920 Speaker 2: mental health challenges among young people and teenagers around the world, 233 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:52,880 Speaker 2: and I think part of that is that we haven't 234 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,640 Speaker 2: equipped them well enough to deal with negative emotions. So 235 00:10:55,679 --> 00:10:59,320 Speaker 2: when they feel a negative emotion, because we haven't equipped them, 236 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,160 Speaker 2: they look around and say, oh my god, it's like 237 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,319 Speaker 2: I'm feeling bad right now. I'm feeling crappy right now, 238 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:07,839 Speaker 2: but everybody else is so perfect. Wow, there must be 239 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:09,520 Speaker 2: something wrong with me, and so what we should do. 240 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,280 Speaker 2: So here's one parenting tip, and I think it's extremely 241 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:17,000 Speaker 2: useful as this talk to your kids about a regret 242 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:19,199 Speaker 2: that you have. Tell your kids about a regret that 243 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:22,600 Speaker 2: you have, but don't stop there. Tell them what you 244 00:11:22,679 --> 00:11:25,360 Speaker 2: learn from it, and tell them what you're gonna do 245 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:28,600 Speaker 2: about it. And I think that that will trigger, especially 246 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:32,360 Speaker 2: for teenagers, a very very powerful and enlightening conversation. So 247 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:35,160 Speaker 2: that's one thing I think that parents can do. Another 248 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,120 Speaker 2: thing that parents can do is think about as they 249 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:41,640 Speaker 2: anticipate their regrets. To anticipate their regrets, we know from 250 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,959 Speaker 2: I did a massive collection of regrets from around the 251 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,320 Speaker 2: world and found that around the world people seem to 252 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,080 Speaker 2: have the same four core regrets. So would you anticipate 253 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,880 Speaker 2: your regrets as a parent? I would really steer them 254 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:56,080 Speaker 2: around doing good enough on most things, but actually making 255 00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:59,400 Speaker 2: sure you avoid these four core regrets was one of them. Is, 256 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:03,880 Speaker 2: you know, the regret about not providing stability, huge, huge 257 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:07,160 Speaker 2: parental regret, what I call a foundation regret. The regret 258 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:10,240 Speaker 2: about not taking a sensible risk, taking an adventure with 259 00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:13,720 Speaker 2: your family, big regret that parents have. I regret about 260 00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:17,160 Speaker 2: doing the wrong thing, as we saw with the mom 261 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:21,240 Speaker 2: who yet at her kid, and also regrets about reaching out. 262 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:24,240 Speaker 2: So if you say, you know what, my kid and 263 00:12:24,679 --> 00:12:27,440 Speaker 2: it's not going to matter whether we bought strawberry yogurt 264 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:30,080 Speaker 2: today or cherry yogurt today, it's not going to matter 265 00:12:30,559 --> 00:12:33,320 Speaker 2: what Ultimately, you know, if I have a healthy lunch, 266 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,360 Speaker 2: what my kid is eating for lunch today. Like, there's 267 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:37,719 Speaker 2: so many decisions parents make, and most of them you 268 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:42,000 Speaker 2: won't remember, but there's some incredibly significant ones that matter 269 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,280 Speaker 2: a lot. So when you try to anticipate your regrets 270 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:47,120 Speaker 2: as a parent, anticipate regrets you might have about not 271 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,360 Speaker 2: providing stability, regrets you might have about not providing your 272 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:53,560 Speaker 2: family opportunities to learn and grow, regrets you might have 273 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:56,400 Speaker 2: about taking the low road or not doing the right thing, 274 00:12:56,920 --> 00:13:00,480 Speaker 2: being immoral, and then regrets that you might have about 275 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:03,680 Speaker 2: not reaching out to your kids, but also to everybody 276 00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:04,360 Speaker 2: else in life. 277 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:06,120 Speaker 1: Dan, I love this. You've actually inspired me. 278 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,160 Speaker 3: I've been having a conversation with my wife Kylie over 279 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:10,400 Speaker 3: the last couple of weeks. She wants to have more holidays, 280 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:12,640 Speaker 3: she wants to take more vacations, more time away with 281 00:13:12,679 --> 00:13:15,160 Speaker 3: the family. Because I'm the dad and I'm always worried 282 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:16,800 Speaker 3: about how much money we've got and whether we can 283 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:19,640 Speaker 3: afford this or we can afford that. I've been sort 284 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,760 Speaker 3: of thinking my heels are saying, let's just have a staycation. 285 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:25,320 Speaker 3: We'll stay home, we'll just visit the beach nearby. It'll 286 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,400 Speaker 3: be fine. I can't believe I'm sharing this with you, 287 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,200 Speaker 3: but I regret the conversation I had with my wife 288 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,559 Speaker 3: the other day, and I feel like I need to 289 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,800 Speaker 3: go to her and say I'm sorry. We actually we 290 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,600 Speaker 3: do need to put ourselves into more debt so that 291 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,240 Speaker 3: we can have that holiday, because I think the kids 292 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:37,880 Speaker 3: aren't going to care about the size of the credit 293 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:39,360 Speaker 3: card dead as much as they're going to enjoy that 294 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,439 Speaker 3: opportunity to be away with the family and have that experience. 295 00:13:42,559 --> 00:13:45,480 Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean, that's a tricky one. That's a tricky 296 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,480 Speaker 2: one because it's in some ways the particular situation that 297 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,360 Speaker 2: you're describing as sort of a balance between stability and 298 00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:54,680 Speaker 2: stability and boldness. I don't want to take that lately, 299 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:57,840 Speaker 2: what you do have. It's interesting. It's funny you say that. 300 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,040 Speaker 2: It's interesting to say that I just got an e 301 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:03,839 Speaker 2: mail from a reader. This reader is in the US 302 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:07,320 Speaker 2: city of Kansas City. I mean literally, like, well, no, 303 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:11,000 Speaker 2: not not today, but yesterday. Who said My bigger regret 304 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:14,360 Speaker 2: is that no joke about this My bigger regret is 305 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:20,440 Speaker 2: that I didn't spend enough money when I when my 306 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:23,960 Speaker 2: family was younger, I was too nervous that we were 307 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,720 Speaker 2: going to go into the poorhouse if we did anything. 308 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:29,440 Speaker 2: And now I am. I can't remember his age, but 309 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,720 Speaker 2: he was, you know, in his sixties, and he actually 310 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:35,720 Speaker 2: tragically lost to one of his kids. Now I would 311 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:41,080 Speaker 2: do anything to go back in time and do something 312 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,880 Speaker 2: because I realized that now I have the money, but 313 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:45,800 Speaker 2: I don't have any memory. I don't have these memories. 314 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:47,240 Speaker 1: Just go to text her to dance. 315 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,880 Speaker 3: I can renovate the house, or I can go on 316 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:52,440 Speaker 3: a holiday, and I think that the kids's gonna. 317 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:53,360 Speaker 1: Be gonna be much more. 318 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,080 Speaker 2: I'm gonna tell you which one. Yeah, that's a tough 319 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:59,120 Speaker 2: one because you're directly pairing those two things against each other. 320 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,800 Speaker 2: That said, one of the things that you see, it's funny. 321 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:05,800 Speaker 2: Let's leave the world of science for a second and 322 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:08,920 Speaker 2: just I can talk about my own experience. I remember 323 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:12,680 Speaker 2: when I have three kids. They're now between the ages 324 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:15,120 Speaker 2: of nineteen and twenty five, twenty six. 325 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:17,880 Speaker 1: Now it keeps changing. Why do they do that? 326 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:20,560 Speaker 2: I know, it's amazing. Every year it seems like it's 327 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,800 Speaker 2: a different number. One of the things that an old 328 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,040 Speaker 2: boss of mine told me when I first had kids 329 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,600 Speaker 2: was pay attention. It's going to go really fast. And 330 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:34,160 Speaker 2: I'm like, all right, old man, And then I realized, like, god, dang, 331 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,400 Speaker 2: he was right. I mean, and so is it going 332 00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:38,640 Speaker 2: to matter all that much if you pay off your mortgage, 333 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,360 Speaker 2: you know, this year or two years from now, But 334 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:45,680 Speaker 2: your kids are only going to be nine and eleven once. 335 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,120 Speaker 2: So again, I don't want to be I don't want 336 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,800 Speaker 2: to take this. I don't want to take those kinds 337 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,800 Speaker 2: of situations that parents have lightly at all. But these 338 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,800 Speaker 2: are worthy things to think about. And I think more 339 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:58,960 Speaker 2: broadly is that if you make these kinds of decisions 340 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:01,400 Speaker 2: and it's a mistake, talk to your kids about it. 341 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,040 Speaker 2: Here's the thing. I mean, you know this from your 342 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:06,280 Speaker 2: research and from your own lived experience. I think one 343 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:08,920 Speaker 2: thing that parents don't realize is that their kids listen 344 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,560 Speaker 2: to them way less than they think, and they watched 345 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:14,120 Speaker 2: them way more than that they think. All right, That 346 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,640 Speaker 2: to me is like a central fact of parenthood. And 347 00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:21,720 Speaker 2: so if you demonstrate these behaviors of normalizing regret, if 348 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:25,520 Speaker 2: you show, hey, I'd made this mistake when I was younger, 349 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:28,640 Speaker 2: it hurt. I didn't enjoy it, but I learned this 350 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:32,120 Speaker 2: lesson and now I'm doing this instead your kids and 351 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,920 Speaker 2: you show them what you're doing, your kids are going 352 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,120 Speaker 2: to pay attention to that. Your kids are going to 353 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,120 Speaker 2: pay attention to that far more than if you wag 354 00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:38,920 Speaker 2: your finger at them. 355 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:40,640 Speaker 3: Yeah, this has been the best part of the interview. 356 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,280 Speaker 3: I'm so grateful for what you just sh it. I 357 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,040 Speaker 3: feel like we just had a little therapy session, Dan. 358 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:44,720 Speaker 1: That was beautiful. 359 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:48,800 Speaker 3: And I know that we barely know each other and 360 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,800 Speaker 3: we're talking in a public sphere here with a podcast. 361 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,720 Speaker 3: But when you reflect on your life, and I'm sure 362 00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:56,440 Speaker 3: you've been asked this question many times because of the 363 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:58,680 Speaker 3: book you've written, Dan, but what stands out to you 364 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:01,880 Speaker 3: is seeing dificant regret. Is there anything that sort of 365 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,640 Speaker 3: that that you're comfortable is closing where you just think, ah, gee, 366 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:06,560 Speaker 3: I shouldn't have I shouldn't have said, Yes, I shouldn't 367 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:07,200 Speaker 3: have done that thing. 368 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:08,600 Speaker 1: What do you do? 369 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,879 Speaker 2: I have a lot of regrets. I have a lot 370 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:14,879 Speaker 2: of regrets. I have many many regrets. Now you know, 371 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:18,280 Speaker 2: I have learned over the years and through this research 372 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,840 Speaker 2: not to let them debilitate me, and and they don't. 373 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:24,560 Speaker 2: But but I still have regrets. I'll give you one example. 374 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:27,200 Speaker 2: I have a lot of regrets about kindness from when 375 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:30,239 Speaker 2: I was younger. And what's interesting is that in all 376 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:32,639 Speaker 2: these regrets that I've collected for this book, there are 377 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,840 Speaker 2: a lot of regrets about bullying, Okay, from younger. I 378 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,040 Speaker 2: was amazed at how many regrets all over the world 379 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:40,960 Speaker 2: where people regret having bullied somebody. They didn't, they don't 380 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,680 Speaker 2: regret being on the receiving end of the bullying, the 381 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:47,639 Speaker 2: people regretting being the bully. Now, fortunately for my psychological health, 382 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:51,000 Speaker 2: I was never a bully. But when I was younger, 383 00:17:51,359 --> 00:17:54,720 Speaker 2: as a teenager, as a university student, even as a 384 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:59,240 Speaker 2: young professional, there were instances where I saw people not 385 00:17:59,359 --> 00:18:03,480 Speaker 2: being treated by well, people being excluded, people not being 386 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:08,760 Speaker 2: treated fairly. I saw it, I knew it was wrong, 387 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,520 Speaker 2: and I didn't say a word. And that has bugged 388 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:16,960 Speaker 2: me for decades now, same kind of thing, it's the 389 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:21,320 Speaker 2: same kind of thing. What that's a very normal experience 390 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:24,720 Speaker 2: that what's the key here is what do I do 391 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,520 Speaker 2: with that emotion? What do I do with that stomach 392 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,440 Speaker 2: churning feeling that I'm describing I can't ignore it. I 393 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:33,960 Speaker 2: can say no regrets. I'm positive all the time. I 394 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:39,280 Speaker 2: never look backward. What's past. This past bad idea. I 395 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:43,040 Speaker 2: can also say, oh my god, I am the worst, 396 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:47,760 Speaker 2: most wretched, vicious human being that has ever walked the 397 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:52,160 Speaker 2: face of earth. I am terrible. That's a bad idea too. 398 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:55,280 Speaker 2: What I should be doing is saying, wow, I feel crappy. 399 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:58,199 Speaker 2: This makes me feel bad. That's a signal. What's it 400 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:01,480 Speaker 2: telling me? And in the in similar to the case 401 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:04,800 Speaker 2: with the yogurt mom, what it's telling me and it 402 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:07,160 Speaker 2: has helped me is like I actually value kindness more 403 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:11,040 Speaker 2: than I might consciously realize. And it also instructs me 404 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:15,560 Speaker 2: to to be more inclusive, to stand up when someone's 405 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,560 Speaker 2: being mistreated, to bring people, to bring people in. And 406 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,320 Speaker 2: I've really tried that. Now. Had I not reckon with that, 407 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:23,200 Speaker 2: I don't know if I would have done that, I 408 00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:25,040 Speaker 2: you know, I either would have felt really I would 409 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,480 Speaker 2: have increasingly felt worse, or I would have not learned 410 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:31,040 Speaker 2: that lesson. But by dealing with their regrets, we can 411 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:35,040 Speaker 2: we can learn things and you and enlist them to 412 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:39,760 Speaker 2: be better parents, better employees, better human beings. You know 413 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,000 Speaker 2: it reminds me a little bit of your first question, 414 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:45,960 Speaker 2: which is that when people profess that they have no regrets, 415 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,199 Speaker 2: I think that part of it is that it is 416 00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:51,959 Speaker 2: a form of performed courage. They think this is what 417 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,960 Speaker 2: it means to be a courageous person. But that's that courage. 418 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:58,360 Speaker 2: Courage is looking your regrets in the eye and doing 419 00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:02,160 Speaker 2: something about them. And so you know, and I think 420 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:06,239 Speaker 2: that parents who demonstrate courage are good parents. Parents who 421 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:10,080 Speaker 2: damonst read courage are teaching their kids valuable, valuable lessons. 422 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:13,000 Speaker 1: Dan, this has been just it's been a highlight. 423 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:14,840 Speaker 3: What a great conversation. Thank you so much for your 424 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:16,040 Speaker 3: generosity in sharing what you have. 425 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:17,560 Speaker 1: The book is called The Power of Regret. 426 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,800 Speaker 3: For people who want more information about Dan Pink and 427 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:20,520 Speaker 3: everything that you. 428 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:21,840 Speaker 1: Do, where can they go? What can they do? 429 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:23,960 Speaker 2: Good to Danpink dot com, d A N p I 430 00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:26,480 Speaker 2: MK dot com. We've got a free newsletter, all kinds 431 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:27,720 Speaker 2: of videos and all kinds. 432 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:28,199 Speaker 1: Of great stuff. 433 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,480 Speaker 3: Yeah, I love it. I received the newsletter as regularly 434 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:32,679 Speaker 3: as it comes out. I don't know how often it 435 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:34,479 Speaker 3: pops up in my inbox, but I love receiving it. Dan, 436 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,199 Speaker 3: thanks so much for being on a Happy Family's Podcast. 437 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:37,560 Speaker 3: It's been a real delight to be with. 438 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,440 Speaker 2: You, a pleasure. Thanks for having me, Justin. 439 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:41,200 Speaker 1: That was Daniel Pink. 440 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,560 Speaker 3: You can find out all about Dan Pink by going 441 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,280 Speaker 3: to his website, and we'll also link to that and 442 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:49,080 Speaker 3: his books in the show notes. Ah Man, I've got 443 00:20:49,119 --> 00:20:51,720 Speaker 3: to say just before we wrap up the podcast. I've 444 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,800 Speaker 3: interviewed a whole lot of people for this podcast in 445 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,200 Speaker 3: a whole range of different ways, but talking to Dan 446 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,960 Speaker 3: Pink is one of the highlights of my life and 447 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,840 Speaker 3: of the podcast. What an absolute on an absolute superstar. 448 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:04,600 Speaker 3: So glad that he was able to join me on 449 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:07,240 Speaker 3: the podcast a real thrill. I hope you enjoyed that 450 00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:10,080 Speaker 3: as much as I did. All the details are in 451 00:21:10,119 --> 00:21:13,760 Speaker 3: the show notes. As I've mentioned already, I'm sort of gushing, 452 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,480 Speaker 3: ared I. The Happy Family's Podcast is produced by Justin 453 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:19,840 Speaker 3: Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. 454 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,119 Speaker 3: If you'd like more information about making your family Happy It, 455 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,040 Speaker 3: please visit us at Happy families dot com. 456 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:33,000 Speaker 2: Do you