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Speaker 1: Every Friday on the Happy Families podcast, we review the

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Speaker 1: week that was, what worked, what didn't, how we can

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Speaker 1: be better parents. So glad you could join us for

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Speaker 1: today's Friday edition of the Happy Families podcast, where we

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Speaker 1: share real parenting solutions. Every day on Australia's most downloaded

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Speaker 1: parenting podcast, we are Justin and Kylie Coulson and Kylie

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Speaker 1: your King's off today with a story about our fifteen

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Speaker 1: year old daughter.

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Speaker 2: I can't believe you dubbed her in.

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Speaker 1: Oh, you weren't going to say who it was. I

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Speaker 1: was going to say, Okay, And Kylie, you're sharing a

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Speaker 1: story today about one of our six daughters, which one Oh, no,

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Speaker 1: we won't say.

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Speaker 2: A few nights ago, we decided that we needed to

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Speaker 2: revisit some of the house rules.

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Speaker 1: Sorry, Willie, this particular child.

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Speaker 2: I can't believe you just named her.

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Speaker 1: Oh we're already there, now, carry on? What happened? Was

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Speaker 1: I there or was I trying there?

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Speaker 2: I was there, You were there, and she knew that

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Speaker 2: it was coming. So she was already feeling a little

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Speaker 2: bit heightened and she wanted to justify her behavior. And

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Speaker 2: as we got talking, she came out with a doozy,

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Speaker 2: and she said, remember, Mom, we had that conversation last year,

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Speaker 2: last year, a whole year ago, last year, when I

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Speaker 2: told you that you ignore me and Annie's your favorite.

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Speaker 2: And after a pretty emotional day that I'd had, I

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Speaker 2: was not prepared to have that conversation. And I looked

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Speaker 2: at you and I said, I'm leaving. You can deal

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Speaker 2: with this. I'm not dealing with this right now. And

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Speaker 2: I left the room. Well after I had gone, I

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Speaker 2: was thinking about how I dealt with this.

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Speaker 1: Why are you looking at me like that? Because I

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Speaker 1: don't remember this conversation. Was I even there? I know

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Speaker 1: that you said that you left her with me. Did

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Speaker 1: I talk to her after this? Yeah, Oh my goodness.

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Speaker 1: Did I have a good converse with me?

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Speaker 2: I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I have no recollection. I have been pretty wiped out.

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Speaker 1: I've been doing so much travel on so many speaking engagements.

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Speaker 1: But I'm genuinely I don't remember it. Anyway, you took

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Speaker 1: some time out, you came back, apparently I don't recall.

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Speaker 2: Well, no, I didn't come back.

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Speaker 1: It took me a few days.

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Speaker 2: I was really really frustrated. When you're doing the very

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Speaker 2: best you can do and somebody tells you you're not

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Speaker 2: doing enough. Yeah, it feels like an absolute personal attached

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Speaker 2: I'm so.

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Speaker 1: Glad it wasn't me that said it.

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Speaker 2: At your integrity and just you're very being like So here,

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Speaker 2: I have this child who takes so much of my time,

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Speaker 2: and after yesterday's conversation all about favoritism, my child was

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Speaker 2: essentially telling me I had a favorite and it wasn't her,

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Speaker 2: and I felt really attacked. And so it took me

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Speaker 2: a few days as I sat in that place and

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Speaker 2: kind of was mulling over everything, and I clearly recognized

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Speaker 2: that I hadn't handled the situation very well, and that

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Speaker 2: in that moment when she was trying to express how

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Speaker 2: she was feeling, I had actually turned it into something

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Speaker 2: about me, as opposed to being able to sit in

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Speaker 2: her hard place and hear her and allow her to

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Speaker 2: share her feelings without taking it personally. So a few

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Speaker 2: days later we were doing some work in her room.

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Speaker 2: She's been waiting to have a bookshelf hung. I hung

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Speaker 2: a bookshelf.

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Speaker 1: I hung a bookshelf and it's still hanging back where

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Speaker 1: it's me. If it had been me, I would never

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Speaker 1: have been hung in the first place. But it certainly

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Speaker 1: would be on the floor by now.

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Speaker 2: So we were spending a bit of time decorating her

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Speaker 2: room and spending time just you know, having a bit

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Speaker 2: of a chat, and it occurred to me that now

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Speaker 2: was probably a really good time to reconnect with that conversation,

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Speaker 2: and so I just suggested to her that the other

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Speaker 2: day she tried to share some really important and big

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Speaker 2: emotions with me, and I wasn't I didn't have the

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Speaker 2: capacity to hear her the way that she needed to

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Speaker 2: be heard. And I said, one of the things that

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Speaker 2: I've struggled with in the past is often when I

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Speaker 2: have tried to share my big emotions with important people

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Speaker 2: in my lives, they've made it about them. And in

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Speaker 2: that moment, I made it about me. And I apologized

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Speaker 2: to her, and I just said to her that I

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Speaker 2: really wanted her to know that even though as a

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Speaker 2: parent sometimes it's really hard to hear and have the

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Speaker 2: mirror turned on yourself and recognize the parts of you

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Speaker 2: that you'd prefer not to have to look at, that

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Speaker 2: it gives us an opportunity to learn and grow together.

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Speaker 2: And it was just this beautiful moment of connection. You know,

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Speaker 2: she was completely I think shocked. Number one, that I

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Speaker 2: was able to revisit it, but that I was able

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Speaker 2: to acknowledge my mistake in that moment, my weakness, my

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Speaker 2: inability in that moment to connect with her in the

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Speaker 2: way that she needed to be connected with. And it

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Speaker 2: was just this moment of realness that we got to

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Speaker 2: share together, and I was so grateful for it. She

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Speaker 2: came and gave me a really big cargon. We were

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Speaker 2: able to have this beautiful conversation that flowed from that,

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Speaker 2: just because I was willing to apologize.

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Speaker 1: So when you look at that, what would you say

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Speaker 1: is the take home message of the conversations that you

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Speaker 1: had with her.

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Speaker 2: That you don't remember being good?

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Speaker 1: No, they were clearly quite challenging.

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Speaker 2: The hardest thing as a parent is sitting in a

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Speaker 2: place when your child is having big emotions that generally speaking,

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Speaker 2: are pointed directly at you. It's really easy to take

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Speaker 2: it personally, but it really is an opportunity for us

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Speaker 2: to actually connect more deeply with our child. The very

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Speaker 2: fact that she felt comfortable and safe to share that

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Speaker 2: with me specifically in that moment, speaks volumes about her

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Speaker 2: desire for deeper connection, but her trust that I'm a

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Speaker 2: safe place for her to share that. And the biggest

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Speaker 2: challenge we have as parents is in honoring in honoring

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Speaker 2: them and their emotions.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, trust believing that the other person's going to acting

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Speaker 1: your best interests. Really hard to get your kids to

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Speaker 1: really believe that sometimes so important. Okay, Kylie, this is

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Speaker 1: my old do better tomorrow. We had a family meeting

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Speaker 1: on them and it was back on Sunday. Now it

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Speaker 1: feels like forever ago and things. I've been traveling a lot,

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Speaker 1: you've been under the pump, and you've been complaining to

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Speaker 1: me a lot about our children. They don't pull their

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Speaker 1: own weight, they don't pull anyone else's. Wait, either, you're

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Speaker 1: pulling the whole family. You're keeping the family afloat while

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Speaker 1: I'm out and working and helping everybody else to have

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Speaker 1: a happy family. And so we sat down and we said,

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Speaker 1: we're not going to talk about what's going well, what's not,

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Speaker 1: and what we can focus on this week. We're just

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Speaker 1: going to get back to a couple of foundational basics.

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Speaker 1: So I looked at the kids and said to them,

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Speaker 1: what do you want have family to feel like? And

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Speaker 1: instantly the walls went up. So when we talk about

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Speaker 1: these family meetings. Sometimes people think, oh, we just must

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Speaker 1: have these glorious conversations where the kids sit around and

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Speaker 1: smile and we talk about what's good and what's not

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Speaker 1: so good, and we figure. It was challenging, it was confrontational,

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Speaker 1: and we had a couple of kids in particular who

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Speaker 1: were reluctant to participate.

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Speaker 2: Might be an understatement, well, there was contension between them,

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Speaker 2: which meant that their reluctance to participate was heightened.

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Speaker 1: And whenevere, whenever one of them tried to participate, the

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Speaker 1: other one would go whatever, I roll their eyes. I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 1: my goodness, so much contempt. It's just terrible. So eventually

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Speaker 1: one of the kids refused, refused to say what she

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Speaker 1: wanted the family to feel like, and you stepped in

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Speaker 1: and said, well, rather than using words to describe what

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Speaker 1: I want the family to feel like, maybe I can

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Speaker 1: paint a picture. And so you talked about what matters

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Speaker 1: to you sitting around the table, playing games and telling

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Speaker 1: jokes and having fun. And I talked about being a

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Speaker 1: little bit more physically active and wrestling and playing and

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Speaker 1: going to the beach. And so there's words like we

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Speaker 1: want kindness, or there's word pictures like we've just described.

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Speaker 1: And eventually, I mean, it took us way too long.

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Speaker 1: I reckon twenty minutes, maybe thirty. And finally she began

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Speaker 1: to participate and we really started to put together some

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Speaker 1: ideas about how we can work together as a team

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Speaker 1: to make our family function better. It was great. Then

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Speaker 1: we stepped into part two. I want the kids to

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Speaker 1: do hard things. I believe that doing hard things is

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Speaker 1: necessary so that you can enjoy life and feel happy

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Speaker 1: about life. And it was about that point that you

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Speaker 1: fell asleep on the couch.

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Speaker 2: Hey, I'm just saying.

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Speaker 1: In the middle of our family meeting. For years, about.

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Speaker 2: Four years, this was you to force.

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Speaker 1: Team all the time.

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Speaker 2: And now I would run the meeting the meeting, but

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Speaker 2: now you're running the meat are supposed to go for

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Speaker 2: ten to twenty minutes. You can't do anything at ten

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Speaker 2: or twenty minute.

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Speaker 1: Kids are just such hard work. Oh my goodness. So

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Speaker 1: you're snoring on the couch with your mouth open, your

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Speaker 1: head tills and back. The kids are like, if we

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Speaker 1: don't want to do anything hard, I'm like, no, you've

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Speaker 1: got to do hard things. Look, we're doing hard things

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Speaker 1: all the time in our family. Mum and then you're asleep,

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, Mum's trying to do a hard thing

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Speaker 1: by getting through this meeting. So we finally got that

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Speaker 1: part done. I said, all right, we need to talk

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Speaker 1: about contribution. We've had this sort of We've gone through

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Speaker 1: periods over the years of having a chort chart and

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Speaker 1: not having a chor chart, and we certainly don't do

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Speaker 1: rewards and things, but just having do we let people

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Speaker 1: just pick their responsibilities on a day to day basis

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Speaker 1: and invite them to contribute to the house wherever they

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Speaker 1: can or do we have specified tasks. The last six

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Speaker 1: to nine months we've had just help out and nobody's

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Speaker 1: doing anything. You and I are doing all of it.

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Speaker 1: I shouldn't say they're doing stuff, but they're not very sporadic.

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Speaker 1: We're not getting what we need. And so I pulled

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Speaker 1: out the old chour charts and I said, all right,

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Speaker 1: let's make a list. Let's make a list and you

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Speaker 1: woke up for this. Let's make a list of every

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Speaker 1: chore that needs to be done.

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Speaker 2: I think I was woken.

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Speaker 1: We wrote down the chores and then I said, who's

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Speaker 1: going to volunteer for what? And within about ten minutes

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Speaker 1: fifteen minutes. There was a lot of doing and throwing.

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Speaker 1: The kids had essentially said, yep, got it, we're onto it.

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Speaker 1: We can do the chores. And I decided that I

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Speaker 1: was going to be creative because we do have some

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Speaker 1: challenges with the kids and their chores. So I jumped

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Speaker 1: into my AI and said, I need some fun names

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Speaker 1: for the chores that the kids are going to be doing.

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Speaker 1: I just feel like with these jobs that they're doing,

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Speaker 1: if we just say dishes, that's boring. So let me

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Speaker 1: share these with you. I think they're really really fun.

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Speaker 1: They're cheesy, but they're fun, and the kids seem to

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Speaker 1: be buying it first off. And he is going to

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Speaker 1: be doing the folding, but we're calling that garment geometry.

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Speaker 1: And all the kids have to reset their rooms. That's

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Speaker 1: what we're calling it. It's a room reset. The one

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Speaker 1: daughter who wasn't there, we gave her the job of dusting.

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Speaker 1: She's the dust bunny, although the following day when I

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Speaker 1: told her she was the dust bunny, she said, I

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Speaker 1: don't have time. I'm just helping out where I can

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Speaker 1: when I can. And well, we have the clothesline, command

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Speaker 1: center and the puppy restaurant manager and my favorite for

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Speaker 1: Miss Emily. She is the waste Witch and she loves.

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Speaker 2: It when you put it into AI. It actually came

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Speaker 2: up with the waste Wizard, and she was like, oh,

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Speaker 2: that sounds awesome. Actually, can I be a wast Witch?

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Speaker 1: And I was like, you can be whatever you want

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Speaker 1: so long as you empty the bins. I don't care.

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Speaker 1: So she's the wist Witch and she's also the Dining

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Speaker 1: Surface superhero and she goes on plate patrol every day

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Speaker 1: as well. It's working.

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Speaker 2: She's been amazing.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we're only weekend. She's like, I just want to

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Speaker 1: get it done so I can tick all of these boxes.

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Speaker 1: So good. The other kids are doing it. They're doing

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Speaker 1: it without come plane. We're a weekend. There are also

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Speaker 1: being kind to each other. The family meeting is I'm

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Speaker 1: going to say, I'm going to say it's working. We'll

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Speaker 1: sit down again on Sunday and we'll talk about how

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Speaker 1: well it's gone, and we'll do our normal three questions

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Speaker 1: what's going well, what's not, and what can we work on?

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Speaker 1: But generally speaking, at this point, I'm pretty satisfied that

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Speaker 1: the kids are having a good crack.

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Speaker 2: The real magic of family meetings. Isn't the one off,

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Speaker 2: it's the consistency. It's the weekend week out meeting together

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Speaker 2: and holding everybody accountable for the things that we've agreed

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Speaker 2: upon the previous week. That's where the magic comes.

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Speaker 1: We really hope that there's some insbo here, either in

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Speaker 1: apologizing to your kids and having the big conversations or

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Speaker 1: having the family meetings getting stuff nailed down, recognizing that

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Speaker 1: sometimes you do have to push through, you do have

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Speaker 1: to do the hard stuff. That's the reality of family life.

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Speaker 1: But it's worth it when you get there. We promise,

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Speaker 1: thanks so much for listening, and have a wonderful, wonderful weekend.

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Speaker 1: The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by Justin Rulan for

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Speaker 1: Bridge Media and if you more information about making your

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Speaker 1: family happy at visitors at happy families dot com dot

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Speaker 1: you