1 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:08,600 Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coils 2 00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:11,080 Speaker 1: and we are Lukin Susie and this is the podcast 3 00:00:11,119 --> 00:00:14,160 Speaker 1: for time poor parents who just want answers. 4 00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:19,200 Speaker 2: Now, Justin, I recently had one of those days with 5 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:22,640 Speaker 2: the kids, and when I went to school, I found 6 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:25,680 Speaker 2: out that every other mum in my class, it seemed, 7 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:28,880 Speaker 2: also had one of those days on the same day, 8 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:32,680 Speaker 2: where it was all we could say was do something, 9 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:35,120 Speaker 2: and all the kids could say was no. And it 10 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:38,440 Speaker 2: just seemed like there was this budding heads that was 11 00:00:38,479 --> 00:00:42,720 Speaker 2: happening between parent and child across the city. It was 12 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:47,840 Speaker 2: just a universal principle for that day. But those days happen, 13 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:52,159 Speaker 2: how do we as parents survived them? And how do 14 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,000 Speaker 2: how do our children thrive in them? 15 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:58,360 Speaker 3: I'm feeling your pain because with six kids, you can 16 00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:00,880 Speaker 3: bet your boots that on any morning. 17 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:05,440 Speaker 4: It's going to happen. And oh boy, it's tough. 18 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:08,760 Speaker 3: Look, I don't think if I can actually be a 19 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,119 Speaker 3: little bit straight, I don't think that there's a one 20 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,560 Speaker 3: size fits all answer here. So I'm going to give 21 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:16,880 Speaker 3: you a bunch of ideas, and on some days there'll 22 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:18,800 Speaker 3: be the worst idea you could ever get, and on 23 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:22,559 Speaker 3: other days it could just be your saving grace. Case 24 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:26,080 Speaker 3: in point, one of my kids, yesterday, she woke up and. 25 00:01:25,959 --> 00:01:28,679 Speaker 4: From the minute she opened her eyes and she needed 26 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:29,800 Speaker 4: a bit of help to even do that. 27 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:34,319 Speaker 3: I literally had my hands on her face, just gently openings. 28 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,679 Speaker 3: From that moment, I knew that it was going to 29 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:38,959 Speaker 3: be one of those mornings with her. 30 00:01:39,319 --> 00:01:41,520 Speaker 4: And it was bedlam. I mean, it was just horrible. 31 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:45,160 Speaker 3: She was angry and cruel and all that sort of stuff. 32 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,400 Speaker 3: Even parenting experts have kids who are like that from 33 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,160 Speaker 3: time to time. And as it turns out, we just 34 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,120 Speaker 3: my wife and I, Kylie and I looked at each 35 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:54,639 Speaker 3: other and said, she can have a day off today 36 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:56,840 Speaker 3: and she can just help around the house, she can 37 00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:58,040 Speaker 3: go back to bed, she can have a bit of 38 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:00,960 Speaker 3: a sleep, and we'll just we'll just deal with it. 39 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:04,600 Speaker 3: We're in a fortunate situation where I work from home, 40 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,720 Speaker 3: and I know not everybody can do this, and my wife, Kylie, well, 41 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,080 Speaker 3: we've got six kids, so we can't afford for her 42 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:11,760 Speaker 3: to go out and get a job because we needed 43 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,120 Speaker 3: to work at home, and so we were able to 44 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:18,320 Speaker 3: deal with that. We had another situation recently where one 45 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:21,200 Speaker 3: of the kids, again one of those mornings, and we 46 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,160 Speaker 3: looked at the clock, we looked at what our schedule 47 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:25,639 Speaker 3: was going to allow, and it was a pretty tight 48 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,520 Speaker 3: and nasty schedule. But things were so bad that we 49 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,079 Speaker 3: just said to her, you know what, why don't you 50 00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:32,079 Speaker 3: just go and hop back into bed and you can 51 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,280 Speaker 3: come back out when you're ready. Just you go and 52 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,640 Speaker 3: read a book, make yourself comfortable. You're not in trouble. 53 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,840 Speaker 3: We're under deadlines, but we'll work it out because you 54 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:41,480 Speaker 3: do it, you know, as a parent, you just kind 55 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:44,360 Speaker 3: of work it out. You get flexible and fix stuff. 56 00:02:44,919 --> 00:02:47,560 Speaker 3: And she went to bed, and she suddenly had this 57 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:50,640 Speaker 3: sense that she had choice in her life. And so 58 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,520 Speaker 3: once she realized that we weren't making her do anything, 59 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,480 Speaker 3: she actually got out of bed about fifteen minutes later, 60 00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,320 Speaker 3: and next thing you know, she's in the living room 61 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,480 Speaker 3: with a school form on and shoes and socks done up, 62 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:05,600 Speaker 3: hair brushed, teeth done, and she was like, I'm ready 63 00:03:05,639 --> 00:03:08,200 Speaker 3: to go to school now. I think sometimes we put 64 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:11,480 Speaker 3: too much pressure on the kids and on ourselves, and 65 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,840 Speaker 3: we make things really hard for ourselves. 66 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:17,800 Speaker 1: But right there, in those moments, you gave permission for 67 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:19,959 Speaker 1: them to do something that's not supposed to happen. 68 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:24,400 Speaker 3: Justin ru to explode, breaking the red and I guess 69 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:25,399 Speaker 3: this is what we've got to think. 70 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:27,480 Speaker 4: Well, what's what matters most here? 71 00:03:27,919 --> 00:03:30,119 Speaker 3: Do I have to If you've got to catch an aeroplane, 72 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:32,120 Speaker 3: if you've got to be somewhere at a certain time 73 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:35,720 Speaker 3: and there's no flex then sometimes you just got to grab. 74 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,920 Speaker 4: Them by the collar and say let's go. It's on. 75 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:41,080 Speaker 3: I'm sorry, I wish I wasn't doing this to you, 76 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,560 Speaker 3: but we've just got to go. But quite often we 77 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:48,680 Speaker 3: make emergencies when they don't really exist. True, I had 78 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:50,800 Speaker 3: an incident with one of my kids years and years 79 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:53,600 Speaker 3: and years ago. It's probably my favorite story to tell. 80 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:55,600 Speaker 3: It's about a bag. 81 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:57,520 Speaker 2: Well, let's catch that full story in just a moment 82 00:03:57,680 --> 00:03:59,720 Speaker 2: Justin as we catch up with doctor Justin Coilson on 83 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:03,360 Speaker 2: the whole topic of when you're having one of those days. 84 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:06,880 Speaker 5: More shortly, Doctor Justin Coulson is one of Australia's most 85 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:11,520 Speaker 5: respected parenting voices. His seminars have equipped and empowered thousands 86 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,880 Speaker 5: of parents to make their families happier. But sometimes getting 87 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,719 Speaker 5: to a parenting seminar can be tough work and other commitments. 88 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:22,440 Speaker 5: Then there's the issue of the children and babysitters. Now 89 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,159 Speaker 5: you can watch one of doctor Justin's seminars from the 90 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:27,880 Speaker 5: comfort of your own home and at a time that 91 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:31,080 Speaker 5: works for you. Sit in on one of doctor Justin's 92 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:35,000 Speaker 5: parenting seminars as he takes you from confusion to clarity. 93 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:38,200 Speaker 5: You'll learn how to build a strong connection with your children, 94 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:41,840 Speaker 5: how to really understand them, and how to get discipline right. 95 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,400 Speaker 5: What your child needs from you a seminar from doctor 96 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:49,240 Speaker 5: Justin Coulson. Download this ninety minute seminar now or purchase 97 00:04:49,279 --> 00:04:52,520 Speaker 5: the DVD at Happy families dot com dot au. 98 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,720 Speaker 2: You're with a Happy Family's podcast with Doctor Justin Coulson 99 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:57,920 Speaker 2: as we talk about what happens when you're having one 100 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,800 Speaker 2: of those days and if she promised us one of 101 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:04,640 Speaker 2: your favorite stories about one of those days, Dr Justin. 102 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:08,120 Speaker 3: On this particular morning in our home, I get the 103 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:11,080 Speaker 3: kids lunches and breakfasts. Well, actually they're big enough to 104 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:12,800 Speaker 3: do most of it themselves now, but I guide the 105 00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:14,960 Speaker 3: process and oversee it, and I get myself organized as 106 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,760 Speaker 3: walks on in a bit of time too. And Kylie 107 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,480 Speaker 3: she sort of works on the bedrooms and she works 108 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:22,560 Speaker 3: on the kid's uniforms and hair and all that sort 109 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,400 Speaker 3: of stuff. Once again, the kids are old enough to 110 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,520 Speaker 3: do this stuff themselves, but we guide the process. This 111 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:32,120 Speaker 3: particular morning, Ella was sitting on the couch, hair everywhere, 112 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,960 Speaker 3: morning breath that you could smell two rooms away. 113 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:39,040 Speaker 4: You know what, You know what I'm talking about talking about. 114 00:05:39,279 --> 00:05:41,400 Speaker 4: And when I said to her, Hey, what would you 115 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:42,720 Speaker 4: like for breakfast? Let me help you. 116 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:45,040 Speaker 3: You look like you're having a rough morning, she just 117 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:48,839 Speaker 3: stared straight ahead didn't answer. So I walked oversa beside her, 118 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,160 Speaker 3: put my arm around and I said, hey, I'm here 119 00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:53,480 Speaker 3: to help. Let me get you some breakfast. 120 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:54,120 Speaker 4: What would you like? 121 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:57,120 Speaker 3: And she just looked at me and nearly made me 122 00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:01,120 Speaker 3: pass out with the breath. And she said, and I'm 123 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:04,120 Speaker 3: not going to school today. And I said, well, let's 124 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,400 Speaker 3: not worry about school right now. Let's just worry about breakfast. 125 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:07,120 Speaker 3: How can I help you? 126 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:10,479 Speaker 4: And she said, I'm not going to school today. She 127 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:11,760 Speaker 4: was so serious about it. 128 00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:14,680 Speaker 3: So I took a big, deep breath and I said, well, 129 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,159 Speaker 3: it sounds like you'd really like to stay at home. 130 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:19,840 Speaker 3: Would you like to tell me why you don't want 131 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,760 Speaker 3: to go to school? She basically said, I don't want 132 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:25,279 Speaker 3: to go to school because I need a new school bag. Okay, 133 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:26,599 Speaker 3: you know what, let me have a look at the bag. 134 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:28,720 Speaker 3: I looked at the bag. Nothing seemed to be wrong 135 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,080 Speaker 3: with it. I thought, she just needs some time. I'll 136 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,000 Speaker 3: give her some time. I looked after everyone else, and 137 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,039 Speaker 3: then I looked at the clock, had heart failure. Called 138 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:37,080 Speaker 3: out to Kylie. Honey, I've got to go catch an eerplane. 139 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,040 Speaker 3: I've got to fly to Brisbane. We were living in 140 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:40,440 Speaker 3: Wollongong at the time. I said, I've got to fly 141 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:41,640 Speaker 3: to Brisbane. I got to go and make some other 142 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:45,280 Speaker 3: people's families happy. I'll see you tomorrow. Ella doesn't want 143 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:46,800 Speaker 3: to go to school till she's got a new school bag. 144 00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:48,280 Speaker 3: She doesn't need a new school bag. We're not buying 145 00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:50,159 Speaker 3: a new bag. See if you can understand what's going on. 146 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,719 Speaker 3: Good luck, goodbye, excellent. 147 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,800 Speaker 4: If I went, but I got a call from that's 148 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:59,560 Speaker 4: the end of this topic. Well, here's the really important thing. 149 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,360 Speaker 3: I got a call from Kylie a little bit later, 150 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,719 Speaker 3: and she said to me, I'd just gone through airport security. 151 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:08,520 Speaker 4: She said, it's a couple of minutes to nine. Ella 152 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:11,320 Speaker 4: is on the couch. She's upset. We're not getting anywhere. 153 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:12,080 Speaker 4: What do I do? 154 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:15,360 Speaker 3: Kylie had somewhere to be, but it was one of 155 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,960 Speaker 3: those things where she could probably be twenty minutes later. 156 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:19,400 Speaker 4: She had to be. It was not good, but she 157 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:20,320 Speaker 4: could get away with it. 158 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,920 Speaker 3: And I said the school would rather that she shows 159 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:26,840 Speaker 3: up fifteen minutes late and happy than two minutes early 160 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:30,440 Speaker 3: and crying. So sit with her and try to really understand. 161 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,960 Speaker 3: Kylie sat with her long story very short, finally started 162 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,720 Speaker 3: to make some progress. What's going on? I want a 163 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:37,240 Speaker 3: new bag? Why do you want a new bag? There's 164 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:38,760 Speaker 3: nothing the matter with the bag. Kylie went and opened 165 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,120 Speaker 3: the bag by the way, and she found something that 166 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:44,560 Speaker 3: I'd missed. It was something that was once food. We 167 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,800 Speaker 3: didn't know what food it had been, so she cleaned 168 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,760 Speaker 3: it out. She fumigated it. 169 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:50,880 Speaker 4: She nearly incinerated the bag, it was that bad. But 170 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:51,440 Speaker 4: she got it. 171 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:54,240 Speaker 3: Clean and smelling nice and packed it up and said, Ella, 172 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:55,680 Speaker 3: you don't need a new bag. You can take this 173 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:59,560 Speaker 3: bag to school. Ella would not budge until finally Kylie said, 174 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,400 Speaker 3: I can't help you if you don't tell me why 175 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,600 Speaker 3: you need a new bag. And at that point Ella said, 176 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,760 Speaker 3: I need a new bag because I don't have any friends. 177 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 3: And Kylie said, well, that's awful, you know. She gave 178 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,160 Speaker 3: her a big hug, and she said, I don't understand, though, 179 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:16,840 Speaker 3: why do you need a new school bag if you 180 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,840 Speaker 3: don't have any friends. And at that point, Ella, in 181 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:23,360 Speaker 3: her little six or seven year old brain, explained, if 182 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:25,200 Speaker 3: we go to the shops, I can buy a really 183 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:28,320 Speaker 3: cool bag and when I walk into the playground. 184 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,200 Speaker 4: All of the kids will see it, and. 185 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:32,280 Speaker 3: I'll be popular because they'll want to talk to me 186 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:37,119 Speaker 3: because my bag is so cool. See, form follows feelings. 187 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:41,480 Speaker 3: If we just concentrate on the behavior the form and 188 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,400 Speaker 3: we ignore the feelings, we miss out on what's actually 189 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,560 Speaker 3: going on in their lives. They're only misbehaving, they're only 190 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:51,240 Speaker 3: being challenging because there's something wrong, and it's our job 191 00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:54,840 Speaker 3: to be really careful investigators and get to the bottom 192 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:56,120 Speaker 3: of it so that we can help them. 193 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,640 Speaker 4: To feel better. Because when they feel better, we just 194 00:08:58,679 --> 00:08:59,760 Speaker 4: don't have those mornings. 195 00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:00,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true. 196 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:05,080 Speaker 1: It almost breaks my heart. I'm almost the thought of us. 197 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,880 Speaker 1: But the six year olds deal with those pressures that 198 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:09,080 Speaker 1: adults have. 199 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:12,000 Speaker 3: Days like that, we do, you know, I know we're 200 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:14,640 Speaker 3: out of time, but really, really quickly. That morning, I 201 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:17,400 Speaker 3: was so close to saying, hey, let me kick your bum, 202 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:20,160 Speaker 3: you're off to school, don't be silly, parenting expert at 203 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,960 Speaker 3: his best right. And had I done that, she would 204 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,400 Speaker 3: have gone to school to a place where she felt 205 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:26,560 Speaker 3: like she had no friends and no one cared and 206 00:09:26,559 --> 00:09:30,800 Speaker 3: no one understood, knowing that that afternoon she was going 207 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:32,480 Speaker 3: to have to return home to a place where she 208 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:35,720 Speaker 3: had no friends, no one cared, and no one understood, and. 209 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,439 Speaker 2: Still with something in her bag that could not be. 210 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:47,120 Speaker 3: Yeah, doctor Justin Gilson, we've learned so much. 211 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:51,000 Speaker 2: Thank you so much for your time. We appreciate it, 212 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:53,240 Speaker 2: and don't forget if you want some more information on 213 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,560 Speaker 2: any topic to do with parenting. And we know it's 214 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,200 Speaker 2: such a broad spectrum. There's some incredible resources that Justin 215 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:01,240 Speaker 2: has created. There's books, there's podcasts, there's programs. You can 216 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,520 Speaker 2: find them all at Happy Families dot com dot au, 217 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,280 Speaker 2: or you can even have him come and speak at 218 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:08,720 Speaker 2: your school or an organization where you can meet him 219 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:10,559 Speaker 2: face to face and maybe even ask some of those 220 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:12,840 Speaker 2: questions that you have, like mine, what do you do 221 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,160 Speaker 2: on a bad day? Justin Coulson dot com is where 222 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:16,199 Speaker 2: you can find out more about that. 223 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,120 Speaker 1: I'm not sure we'll have to check with Justin. Is 224 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,160 Speaker 1: your wife available, because if they want the topics on 225 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:24,360 Speaker 1: how to check your kids school bad, we might need her. 226 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:26,600 Speaker 4: Sometimes. I think she's much wiser than me.