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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast, the podcast for the typop

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Speaker 1: parent who just wants answers. Now, I'm doctor Justin Colson

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Speaker 1: and I'm joined by Luke and Suzie, our husband and

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Speaker 1: wife radio duo with three young boys, and today we're

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Speaker 1: talking about dealing with the uncertainty of COVID nineteen. This

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Speaker 1: one's not so much about the kids, it's more about

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Speaker 1: us and how we're going. I mean, the reality is

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Speaker 1: the rules keep changing and fair enough, but we're completely

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Speaker 1: all at sea and we just want to know when

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Speaker 1: things are going to end.

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Speaker 2: Dr Justin Right now, we are facing a point whereas

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Speaker 2: it's not so much about the things that have happened

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Speaker 2: in the past, but we want to get some control back,

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Speaker 2: in a sense of normalcy and a sense of we

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Speaker 2: actually have a say in our life. And yet we

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Speaker 2: can't realistically or reliably make plans for what the next

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Speaker 2: three months are going to look like, or the family holiday,

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Speaker 2: or the work projects, or what school our kids are

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Speaker 2: going to go to.

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Speaker 3: Like everything feels like it's up in the air.

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Speaker 4: And that's me is a control freak out Justin Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Type A people people who have what we call a

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Speaker 1: high need for cognitive closure. And that's me too, Luke.

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Speaker 1: It's really really stressful because you want to make plans.

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Speaker 1: You want to have all of your ducks lined up.

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Speaker 1: You want to know exactly what's going to happen on

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Speaker 1: this day at this time and get the itinery sorted,

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Speaker 1: even if the itinery is just getting the children to school,

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Speaker 1: but you want to make sure that you know what's

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Speaker 1: happening and when, because I don't know. We feel like

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Speaker 1: we're in control, we feel and by the way, that's

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Speaker 1: an illusion, but we still feel like we're in control

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Speaker 1: and we can make stuff happen. And it's not happening

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Speaker 1: right now, is it. I mean, everything that we thought

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Speaker 1: was going to happen in twenty twenty has been turned

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Speaker 1: on its head.

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Speaker 3: It's not even that the plans that we had have

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Speaker 3: gone to poop a little bit. It's the fact that,

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Speaker 3: you know, mentally, I get so much relief from knowing

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Speaker 3: when my next holiday is coming and having it planned

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Speaker 3: and being able to invest myself into the dream of

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Speaker 3: the holiday that's to come. But I can't even do that.

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Speaker 1: You know, in French, the word grieve is translated to

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Speaker 1: I guess what we would say in English carrying a

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Speaker 1: heavy load. And when we look at what we've lost

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Speaker 1: so far in twenty twenty, with fires and with floods

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Speaker 1: and storms, and now with COVID, I think that a

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Speaker 1: lot of people really are grieving, which only makes it

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Speaker 1: harder to move on. We're grieving what's lost. We're trying

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Speaker 1: to make plans for the future, and every time we

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Speaker 1: turn around, the government is changing its position on regulations,

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Speaker 1: and understandably so that's not a tackle the government. I mean,

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Speaker 1: new information comes to light, we need to adjust accordingly.

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Speaker 1: It's really really hard for us. Therefore, when there is

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Speaker 1: no such thing as cognitive closure right now, there is

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Speaker 1: no such thing as planning right now, it's hard to

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Speaker 1: have that sense of peace and assurance that we've got

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Speaker 1: everything in order and we know where we're going, because

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Speaker 1: the truth is, in many ways, we kind of don't.

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Speaker 3: I guess this is the first time we've been confronted

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Speaker 3: with the reality.

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Speaker 2: That we don't have Control's right.

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Speaker 1: The advice that I've been giving to people who have

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Speaker 1: been struggling with this goes back to I think the

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Speaker 1: easiest way to illustrate the psychological principle is to go

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Speaker 1: back to a book that was written back in the

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Speaker 1: nineteen eighties by a guy who really revolutionized the business

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Speaker 1: world in some ways. His name was Stephen Covey. You've

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Speaker 1: probably heard of the Seven Habits of High People, and

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Speaker 1: in that book he draws this diagram. It's a circle

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Speaker 1: inside a circle, a big circle on a little circle.

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Speaker 1: He says that the big circle is what we call

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Speaker 1: our circle of concern. Our circle of concern is all

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Speaker 1: the stuff that you see on the news websites, but

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Speaker 1: it's also the stuff about our future, you know, the

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Speaker 1: things that are essentially beyond our capacity to do anything

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Speaker 1: about because we don't have absolute control over them. He says,

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Speaker 1: the more you spend time focused on your circle of concern,

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Speaker 1: the more helpless you'll feel, the more out of control

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Speaker 1: you'll feel, the more overwhelmed and anxious you'll feel. But

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Speaker 1: when you concentrate on that inner circle, he calls that

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Speaker 1: your circle of influence, what you do is you bring

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Speaker 1: back a sense of personal agency. Agency basically means you

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Speaker 1: feel like you've got a sense of control, like you

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Speaker 1: can be in charge of what's happening in your life.

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Speaker 1: When we focus on our circle of influence, we say, well,

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Speaker 1: I can't do anything about X. Y and Z, But

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Speaker 1: I don't need to. What I can do is something

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Speaker 1: about here and now. I think the easiest way for

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Speaker 1: me to describe it is we do the next best thing.

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Speaker 1: So we look at the situation where and we say, well,

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Speaker 1: I don't know what my next holiday will be because

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Speaker 1: I don't know if we're going to have one until

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Speaker 1: at least Christmas, and who knows what's going to happen

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Speaker 1: in terms of the government regulations around travel, particularly if

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Speaker 1: it applies to crossing borders or even going overseas. But

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Speaker 1: what I do know is that I can start to

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Speaker 1: put some money away for when holidays are allowed, or

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Speaker 1: what I do know is I can make this plan

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Speaker 1: with my family, or I can do this with my

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Speaker 1: family because at the very least we know that we'll

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Speaker 1: be allowed to camp in our backyard. We operate within

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Speaker 1: our circle of concern, and what happens there sorry within

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Speaker 1: our circle of influence, and what happens there is we

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Speaker 1: do just the next best thing that we can do

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Speaker 1: is we start to feel empowered, We start to feel

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Speaker 1: like we are actually in control of something. And what

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Speaker 1: happens then is our circle of influence seems to grow.

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Speaker 1: We seem to be able to control more and more

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Speaker 1: because we're focusing on what we can control rather than

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Speaker 1: what we can't.

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Speaker 5: Well, it's good because external forces are indicating to us

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Speaker 5: our circle of influence is shrinking, or at least becoming

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Speaker 5: Swiss circle with holes in it. But the reality is

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Speaker 5: we still apply the same logic, which is only focus

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Speaker 5: on those things which you can control, and if.

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Speaker 4: That's got smaller, then so be it. Still focus on

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Speaker 4: that smaller list of things.

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Speaker 1: One of my favorites, So I mean, this is really

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Speaker 1: this is a conversation about resilience as much as anything.

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Speaker 1: And one of my favorite stories of resilience comes from

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Speaker 1: a man that I had the opportunity to spend some

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Speaker 1: time with an interview and get to know reasonably well.

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Speaker 1: His name was John McLean. John in nineteen eighty was

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Speaker 1: an up and coming rugby league star out at Penrith

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Speaker 1: and he was also right into triathlon. He was trying

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Speaker 1: to work out which way do I go. I'm going

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Speaker 1: to be a sports star one way or the other?

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Speaker 1: What should I be? And one day, while he was

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Speaker 1: training for a triathlon then the p and triathlon, he

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Speaker 1: got hit by a truck on one of the busy highways

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Speaker 1: in Western Sydney, and how he survived is beyond anyone's understanding,

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Speaker 1: but he did become a paraplegic. He lost all movement

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Speaker 1: from his belly button down. At that point, he was

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Speaker 1: concerned about a lot of things as he went through

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Speaker 1: the next twelve months of rehab and all of those

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Speaker 1: hospital visits and physio and so on and so forth.

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Speaker 1: But what he recognized pretty soon is that I can

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Speaker 1: worry about a whole lot of stuff that I can't

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Speaker 1: do anything about, or I can just focus on what

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Speaker 1: I can do something about. As he focused on what

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Speaker 1: he could do something about, he built up his upper body,

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Speaker 1: he strengthened himself. Eventually he represented Australia at the Paralympics

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Speaker 1: in rowing. He went and became the first Australian paraplegic

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Speaker 1: triathlete and also one of the first paraplegic triathletes to

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Speaker 1: complete the Hawaii Iron Man. He did it three times

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Speaker 1: and he swam the English Channel. It took him twelve

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Speaker 1: hours fifty five minutes. In case you're wondering, that's a

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Speaker 1: long time to spend in the water, especially water that cold.

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Speaker 1: What he did was he focused on what he could do.

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Speaker 1: He focused on what the next best thing was in

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Speaker 1: front of him, and he did that, and in so doing,

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Speaker 1: he expanded his capacity to do more and more and more,

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Speaker 1: until all of a sudden he was focusing on completely

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Speaker 1: different things and achieving more than anybody would have ever

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Speaker 1: thought was possible. When he got hit by that truck that.

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Speaker 4: Day, Wow, the reality is his dream to become an

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Speaker 4: athlete didn't change, just looks different. Yeah, a lot of

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Speaker 4: circumstances around what other people limited him with did And

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Speaker 4: that's a good reminder for us as we face whatever

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Speaker 4: we're facing, whatever we feel limited in, whatever dreams have

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Speaker 4: been crushed in the uncertainty, we have a little pivot,

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Speaker 4: a little realignment, a little bit of reframing, and suddenly

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Speaker 4: you might realize that that dream hasn't been crushed at all.

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Speaker 4: Dr Justin Coilson has been inspiring. Thank you so much

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Speaker 4: for helping me to answer our question.

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Speaker 1: If you've enjoyed the podcast or found it helpful, would

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Speaker 1: you do something for me. Go to Apple Podcasts and

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Speaker 1: leave a rating and a review. It's the reviews, the

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Speaker 1: things that you say about the podcast that help people

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Speaker 1: to find it and have happier Families. We had a

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Speaker 1: review left by love it, who simply said, actually it

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Speaker 1: was Hello Sarah jay and who said clear, helpful and informative,

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Speaker 1: followed by eminem I don't know how to say that one.

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Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, who said really worth listening to. So

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Speaker 1: grateful for you leaving those reviews. I think that well,

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Speaker 1: it's how I know that it's making a difference and

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Speaker 1: other people can know as well. If you'd like more

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Speaker 1: info on how I can help, please visit happy families

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Speaker 1: dot com dot au or go to my Facebook page

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Speaker 1: Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families