Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life
Speaker 1: on Cut. I'm Brittany and I'm Keisha. Feeling in for
Speaker 1: Laura today, not for the best reason.
Speaker 2: It is Monday here in the Life on Cut Studios
Speaker 2: and the rest of the world.
Speaker 1: Funnily enough, but it's a public holiday today, but hilarious
Speaker 1: and classic chaos of our team. We didn't realize it
Speaker 1: was a public holiday until like last Friday. No, we
Speaker 1: didn't realize.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we don't plan ahead, so we're like, looks like
Speaker 2: we're all working on a public holiday except Laura.
Speaker 1: So Laura is very, very unwell.
Speaker 2: She has had what we think is food poisoning for
Speaker 2: about twelve hours.
Speaker 1: Could be gastro, could be gastro.
Speaker 2: But from what she said and I saw her this morning,
Speaker 2: like she facetimed me, she sent me photos. She's either
Speaker 2: gonna get an oscar or she's roper unwell, like she's committing.
Speaker 2: She's committing. She hasn't stopped vomiting. I think only vomiting.
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's both ends, but like for
Speaker 1: twelve hours.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I have more details, but I don't feel the
Speaker 2: need to tell you. I'm picturing Bridesmaids. You know that
Speaker 2: scene where she's like running across the street.
Speaker 1: She's like, I'm dumb doing it. I'm shooting in the street.
Speaker 2: But then we just had this realization in here the team,
Speaker 2: we were like, hang on a minute, today's a popic holiday?
Speaker 2: Is Laura doing one of those classic like she partied
Speaker 2: too hard? She's not even sick, and she just wants
Speaker 2: to call in sick from work, even though she's the
Speaker 2: boss and she is work.
Speaker 1: I think if she was an employee, I would be
Speaker 1: more like, that's a possibility. But don't you think the
Speaker 1: Gash show is like the number one excuse that people
Speaker 1: turn to when they want a day off because you
Speaker 1: don't really have to prove it, you know, like, no
Speaker 1: employee is going to be like show me the like,
Speaker 1: show me the proof that you actually have been vomiting
Speaker 1: and shooting yourself.
Speaker 2: If you could please collect the stool sample and drop
Speaker 2: it off to work, put it in an uber delivery.
Speaker 2: I reckon Laura will be the kind of person that
Speaker 2: would like show us. She'd be like, no, look, look, look,
Speaker 2: because I think that's why she sent me photos.
Speaker 1: But I don't know why. It's almost like she thinks
Speaker 1: she's like me. She sent me photos. I can show
Speaker 1: you she's proper dying. I'll show you.
Speaker 2: But she's also wearing and probably not the time to
Speaker 2: make a joke.
Speaker 1: I don't feel the need to see this just who.
Speaker 1: She shouldn't send.
Speaker 2: Me a food photo, but she did send me a
Speaker 2: photo herself and look, oh my god, don't show the
Speaker 2: camera because she looks terrible of it.
Speaker 1: Oh the poor scene. And I said, at least you're
Speaker 1: repping life on.
Speaker 2: She's got our merch on. She's got her life on
Speaker 2: cart merchandise on.
Speaker 1: Wearing that white jumper when you're in that state is
Speaker 1: pretty ballsy. I mean, I don't even wear white on
Speaker 1: a regular day because I speel so much on myself,
Speaker 1: but let alone when there's things coming out of my end.
Speaker 2: Yeah, anyway, so Laura is, Yeah, she's not on the
Speaker 2: episode to day.
Speaker 1: We hope she has a speedy recovery. She's back for Thursday.
Speaker 1: You had quite the glamorous weekend, mate, I was living
Speaker 1: vicariously through you. I tell you, that looks like a dream. Yeah.
Speaker 2: So Ben and I went to Hamilton Island, which we
Speaker 2: were to last year. So like we went exactly exactly
Speaker 2: this time last year.
Speaker 1: We fell in love.
Speaker 2: I am not an ambassador for Hamilton Island, but I
Speaker 2: should be, Like, I cannot recommend that place enough.
Speaker 1: Have you ever been? Yeah, I went when I was
Speaker 1: like sixteen years old. It's such a weig island that
Speaker 1: is separate from everything else. And it's kind of because
Speaker 1: you can't really drive cars there. You drive like little
Speaker 1: golf buggies. Yeah, and it just feels like it's an
Speaker 1: out of body experience the whole time you're there. It's
Speaker 1: so beautiful. But I actually do remember I had and
Speaker 1: it probably shouldn't be admit, I mean, fuck it ten
Speaker 1: more than ten years ago, as Laura would claim, I
Speaker 1: had a peanut coulata just before I went on this
Speaker 1: thing called a sea turtle chase. But the water was
Speaker 1: so warm, and I had a stinger suit on because
Speaker 1: you know, it was like a couple months of the
Speaker 1: year you gotta have stinger suits. And I was vomiting
Speaker 1: in the water. But they loved it. The group loved
Speaker 1: it because apparently it brings out more fish. Yeah, Keisha,
Speaker 1: it'd also brings sharks. It's chum are the sharks there? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Oh okay, there, we did see some sea turtles. It
Speaker 1: was pretty magnificent the vomiting. We had an amazing weekend.
Speaker 2: But yes, I cannot recommend enough if you were genuinely
Speaker 2: looking for a holiday for like either it's the best
Speaker 2: family place.
Speaker 1: It's so easy to get around.
Speaker 2: There's only only golf buggies, everything's closed, everything is made
Speaker 2: to be easy. Like I actually said to Bed, I
Speaker 2: was like, this is the easiest place to holiday. It
Speaker 2: was two and a half hours from Sydney. I can't
Speaker 2: believe that we have a paradise so damn close and
Speaker 2: we don't go more like anyway, irrelevant. So we had
Speaker 2: like a pretty uneventful weekend. It was spectacular. I saw
Speaker 2: so many lifers there. Shout out to one of our
Speaker 2: lifers that's getting married this weekend.
Speaker 1: So she was at her friend's wedding.
Speaker 2: Imagine getting married this weekend and the weekend before you
Speaker 2: have to go to Hamilton, Washingtons that you have to.
Speaker 2: But she was in Hamilton Island for another life's wedding,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, you're getting married in five days and
Speaker 2: you're on a vacate, Like I would be freaking the
Speaker 2: fuck out anyway, So we were going up the top
Speaker 2: of this hill. And it's one of those things I
Speaker 2: think when you're an Australian, like we grow up with
Speaker 2: you know, you see whales, you see dolphins and stuff
Speaker 2: all the time, but it never gets old, Like I always.
Speaker 1: Want to stop anyway.
Speaker 2: I feel the same way with kangaroos, but I'm even
Speaker 2: more extreme now that bends here. So every time we
Speaker 2: see a kangaroo, wallaby or something, we have to stop.
Speaker 2: I'm like, So we're going at the top of this
Speaker 2: place on the island called One Tree Hill, and it's
Speaker 2: like where all the magic happens. It's where the magic
Speaker 2: sunsets are. It's where people can get married up there.
Speaker 2: There's engagements up there, like a lot of stuff happens
Speaker 2: up it.
Speaker 1: And then there was business. Is that you what? It's
Speaker 1: like a lot of people get you opposed to this
Speaker 1: spot right here.
Speaker 2: Ben, I don't know that, Ben, I don't know if
Speaker 2: you know, but this is apparently.
Speaker 1: This is apparently an engagement spot.
Speaker 2: Who knows?
Speaker 1: So weird a coincidence And there's so many photographers around
Speaker 1: that would capture a moment. The lighting is divine. It's
Speaker 1: not like I've thought about it. It's not like plan
Speaker 1: my here I am in my white dress every day
Speaker 1: jesting case. No, got always gish. You have to prepare.
Speaker 1: Look at them. What do the boy scouts say, always
Speaker 1: very prepared? Is that a boy scout? Yeah? The boy
Speaker 1: scouts say always reprepared. But I actually I remember you
Speaker 1: guys talking about this, and it really changed my tune
Speaker 1: on it, because if you are hopeful of that and
Speaker 1: you're going on a holiday or actually, one of my
Speaker 1: best friends right now is in Europe. She's been with
Speaker 1: a boyfriend for ten years. Oh my god. Everyone keeps
Speaker 1: saying that he's going to propose, that he's going to propose,
Speaker 1: And I was like, I don't want you to have
Speaker 1: this pressure because if he doesn't, you might be disappointed,
Speaker 1: But also it can take away from you being like
Speaker 1: there in the moment and just enjoying it. And I
Speaker 1: definitely like, I am joking.
Speaker 2: Yes I get my nails done, and yes I take
Speaker 2: out fits just in case.
Speaker 1: I'll probably do that for the next five years.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but when I'm there, I don't think about it.
Speaker 2: I genuinely like when I'm there, when I'm on every
Speaker 2: romantic because there's no point and I don't want to
Speaker 2: know when it's going to happen like I want it
Speaker 2: to be a surprise away.
Speaker 1: That's not the point of my story. I'm sorry, kangaroos.
Speaker 1: I did norail.
Speaker 2: The point of my story was so funny. It does
Speaker 2: have to do with someone else's wedding. But I was
Speaker 2: so mortified. So we stop at the top of this
Speaker 2: sunset hill and there's this little kangaroo and I'm like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, band, let's stop. And there was like
Speaker 2: these beautiful big palm trees. So we swung our buggy
Speaker 2: off to the side of the road and put the
Speaker 2: buggy in and jumped out, and Ben and I were
Speaker 2: doing like an entire photo shoot with this kangaroo, like
Speaker 2: the sunset, the kangaroo, like posing, taking different turns, like
Speaker 2: I was down trying to like get.
Speaker 1: The shorter you angle.
Speaker 2: I was. I was like, give me over here anyway,
Speaker 2: going ham on this photo shoot. And then oh, I
Speaker 2: hear this, excuse me, I'm sorry, but I think we've
Speaker 2: waited long enough kind of thing. And I was like
Speaker 2: what And I turned around and there was a lady
Speaker 2: and like she's like, you need to move, and I said,
Speaker 2: I'm just I'm just trying to get a photo with
Speaker 2: Skippy and she's like, you're in the middle of a
Speaker 2: wedding shoe.
Speaker 1: And I turn around and behind.
Speaker 2: Like there were the part I actually want to die
Speaker 2: for you, Tisha, an entire bridal party and the bride
Speaker 2: and groom.
Speaker 1: How did you not see that? Because because so phob.
Speaker 2: Because we fanged the golf cart around because we had
Speaker 2: to turn around to get Skippy, so he fanged it
Speaker 2: around and got out one side. The entire bridle shit
Speaker 2: was behind us, so we just didn't see it. And
Speaker 2: the huge, big palm trees sort of blocked half of
Speaker 2: them from my peripheral view.
Speaker 1: So they've done.
Speaker 2: I'm talking like four groomsmen, four bridesmaids, the bride and groom,
Speaker 2: all their family, and we in the back.
Speaker 1: I'm laying on the ground skimming in the back of their.
Speaker 2: Fucking I would love to see it if they're listening
Speaker 2: right now, I'd love to see if they got a
Speaker 2: photo with me.
Speaker 1: And I was like, excuse me, it's my holiday tea.
Speaker 1: Can you imagine how long they spoke about you before
Speaker 1: they came over. How many conversations they were probably like, oh,
Speaker 1: I just give them five minute. It's like just even
Speaker 1: a couple more minutes, they'll fuck off like they'll take it.
Speaker 1: You know they're nearly done. Surely they've got the shop
Speaker 1: by now, they.
Speaker 2: Probably got We're just gonna get one short Brittany Hockley,
Speaker 2: and then you take a hundred just to make sure
Speaker 2: you've got.
Speaker 1: The good one. Especially when you're working with animals, gets
Speaker 1: it gets so much worse. I was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I was like, let me quickly move.
Speaker 2: So I gather all my stuff up and Ben's like, babe,
Speaker 2: you move, and he ran back across the road because
Speaker 2: his arms will falling out of the camera and stuff.
Speaker 2: Because I was doing the shoot, even though Ben's the
Speaker 2: one that doesn't know what a kangaroo is. So I'd
Speaker 2: get into the golf buggy.
Speaker 1: It's like a cop midty skit.
Speaker 2: It's like everything's silent and the whole wedding party is
Speaker 2: looking at me. And I don't know if you guys
Speaker 2: have been on a golf buggy. I don't know if
Speaker 2: this is all golf buggies, but on Hamilton Island there's
Speaker 2: no power steering and.
Speaker 1: I'd gone off road. You have to put into reverse
Speaker 1: kei shirt and the whole time it reverses. It has
Speaker 1: this high pitch. So I'm like, the whole party's looking
Speaker 1: at me, and I'm like.
Speaker 2: Trying to like power unpower, searing it out, reverse it
Speaker 2: and then you stop and you have to then go
Speaker 2: put it, push the buttons into no, not gear, just forward,
Speaker 2: and then I have to be like bye. And then
Speaker 2: it was so you can only go twenty kilometers, so
Speaker 2: I couldn't even quickly get out of it. I had
Speaker 2: to scoop past them at twenty kilometers. I feel like
Speaker 2: a happy wedding.
Speaker 1: I am dying for you. But I wonder I was
Speaker 1: so embarrassed.
Speaker 2: I'm surprised you made eye contact with them, because I
Speaker 2: would to look.
Speaker 1: There was no where some said boulevard.
Speaker 2: I do wonder like we left and were mortified, but
Speaker 2: at the end of the day, we're like, oh, surely
Speaker 2: they had a chuckle.
Speaker 1: It's not like we ruined their wedding. But I just
Speaker 1: wonder how many people have, like.
Speaker 2: Have done that, Like how many of people listening right
Speaker 2: now have photos where someone has photo bombs. I don't know,
Speaker 2: is it like a proposal or a wedding or someone's
Speaker 2: ruined a photo like I would love to know because
Speaker 2: I'd love to also see the evidence and if this
Speaker 2: if the person listening got any photos, we mean skipping
Speaker 2: in the background, because I still didn't get the shot.
Speaker 1: So so if you're professional photography mine, actually, can you
Speaker 1: slide in with it please? Because of all of the
Speaker 1: hundreds that I getting, get one that's usable. It kind
Speaker 1: of reminds me. I've seen a couple of videos on
Speaker 1: the internet of peaking on the internet. How old am I?
Speaker 1: Where they've gone? Like, you know, someone set up the
Speaker 1: camera to film the proposal and it can just be
Speaker 1: the two of them. There's this one that went super viral.
Speaker 1: I'm sure a lot of people saw it. So there's
Speaker 1: this couple and they've got a golden a triever and
Speaker 1: they're on the beach.
Speaker 2: And he has set the camera up to film the proposal.
Speaker 1: Against the zoomies is like cutting in and out and
Speaker 1: it just full full zoomies. It's so funny. I would
Speaker 1: love to see if any of you guys have like
Speaker 1: a failed proposal video or something where like the camera's
Speaker 1: fallen over or something. Gosh, it brings me so much
Speaker 1: to you.
Speaker 2: There's the only other one that I know I shouldn't
Speaker 2: laugh at, but I do, and I know you would
Speaker 2: have seen it. It's when a friend is filming supposed
Speaker 2: to be filming the proposal, a right distract. No, well,
Speaker 2: that happens too, But there's a lady and she's supposed
Speaker 2: to be filming the proposal, but then someone else is
Speaker 2: filming her film the proposal from a distance, so someone's
Speaker 2: just doing a long shot and right as he's about
Speaker 2: to get down on one knee, she trips over and
Speaker 2: falls on her back, and it's totally funny because she
Speaker 2: isn't hurt. It's just the timing is impeccable. You see
Speaker 2: him go down in her full back, and the whole
Speaker 2: video is just of the sky and she's tumbling around
Speaker 2: trying to get up.
Speaker 1: She misses meeting. I feel as though if Ben was
Speaker 1: to ask me, like I am the most unreliable to
Speaker 1: do things like that, because I just know that I'm clumsy,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I get distracted really easily. John, if
Speaker 1: Ben actually wants to propose to brit and wants full
Speaker 1: camera foot each other, you have to do it because
Speaker 1: I can't be trusted. Yeah, definitely, don't let keep Please
Speaker 1: send that cameras. Agay.
Speaker 2: I'm like Oh my god, Gus's an island.
Speaker 1: Lighting the four different carrying ring lights everywhere. I'd be like,
Speaker 1: could you just get a higher and I've got a
Speaker 1: double chin. Yeah, we want to go from top down toptown.
Speaker 1: So we wanted to.
Speaker 2: Talk today about low and behold relationships. This came off
Speaker 2: the back of a bunch of questions we get from
Speaker 2: you guys. It's actually such a common question. How do
Speaker 2: I know if they're the one? How do I know
Speaker 2: if I need to leave? It's a really confusing time,
Speaker 2: a time that I have gone through myself multiple times,
Speaker 2: and I think many people do, right. And then we
Speaker 2: saw this article about should you break up with your partner?
Speaker 2: Nine signs to end a relationship, and it's been put
Speaker 2: together so well a bunch of experts, philosophers, clinical psychotherapists,
Speaker 2: a bunch of.
Speaker 1: Different people that know more than we know.
Speaker 2: So we were like, maybe now is the time to
Speaker 2: have this discussion and break it down. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I also think and I don't know whether there was
Speaker 1: this was actually a research study. I read it quite
Speaker 1: a long time ago. I don't know if it was
Speaker 1: a theory or if it was actually a study, but
Speaker 1: I think the notion of what they were talking about
Speaker 1: really holds up. And it's the idea that something has
Speaker 1: to be bad enough, like the pain of what you're
Speaker 1: experiencing has to be bad enough for you to do
Speaker 1: something about it, to change it. And I think a
Speaker 1: lot of the time, when you're talking about long term relationships,
Speaker 1: that tipping point is actually really hard to determine. It's
Speaker 1: one of those things where it's like, if they had
Speaker 1: have done something catastrophically bad. Let's say that they completely
Speaker 1: betrayed your trust, they cheated on you, they spent all
Speaker 1: of your money without telling you, Like if there was
Speaker 1: some big betrayal, that's a really obvious thing that you're
Speaker 1: like grounds to break up. It's very clear, yeah, that
Speaker 1: this relationship shouldn't continue, But I actually think that for
Speaker 1: a lot of us that doesn't exist. I think that
Speaker 1: it can exist in this gray zone where you're kind
Speaker 1: of sea sawing on whether the relationship is worth continuing in.
Speaker 1: And so I really thought this list was great because
Speaker 1: if you're able to kind of answer each of these questions,
Speaker 1: and I don't think all of them will be yes
Speaker 1: or no, like I think some of them you might
Speaker 1: kind of flip flop on. But it might give you
Speaker 1: a bit more of an idea as to a bit
Speaker 1: of a scale as to where you're sitting within your
Speaker 1: own relationship.
Speaker 2: Yeah, not to apply any further external pressure, but when
Speaker 2: you think about it, who you choose to spend the
Speaker 2: rest of your life with is the biggest decision that
Speaker 2: you will make in your life. It's bigger than where
Speaker 2: you're going to move. It's bigger than what job you're
Speaker 2: gonna do if you're going to have kids, Like, the
Speaker 2: partner that you choose is going to have such an
Speaker 2: impact on you financially, emotionally, literally is going to change
Speaker 2: the path of your entire existence. And I know that
Speaker 2: sounds like a lot of pressure, but it's true. So
Speaker 2: there is a reason that we do feel like this.
Speaker 2: There is a reason that we sit and say, are
Speaker 2: they the one?
Speaker 1: So we're going to go through the list of the
Speaker 1: nine signs that you should consider ending your relationship, and
Speaker 1: maybe there's some of you right now who are kind
Speaker 1: of listening along with a pen and paper and going proocon.
Speaker 1: So the first one that they listed is that you're
Speaker 1: consistently unhappy. And I think the key word there is consistently,
Speaker 1: because I mean it's unrealistic to think that it's going
Speaker 1: to be sunshina and rainbows all the time. That's just
Speaker 1: not it's not a realistic pressure to put onto your relationship.
Speaker 1: But I think if you're consistently feeling like you're drained,
Speaker 1: like you're exhausted from your partner, that there's a lot
Speaker 1: of conflict that causes awkwardness or tension within your life.
Speaker 1: That to me would be a pretty clear indicator that
Speaker 1: maybe things are not headed in the right direction.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's also really important to differentiate what you're
Speaker 2: unhappy about. So you might be really unhappy with your
Speaker 2: life at the moment, but that's not necessarily all down
Speaker 2: to your partner. Maybe there are other things going on
Speaker 2: in your life, your friendship circles, or your work or
Speaker 2: where you live, finances are stressful, There might be a
Speaker 2: lot of other things that are contributing to your unhappiness.
Speaker 2: So before you say, hey, yeah, I'm really unhappy I'm
Speaker 2: going to abort mission with my partner, you need to
Speaker 2: work out what it is and how I guess a
Speaker 2: percentage in your head of what you think is coming
Speaker 2: from your partner.
Speaker 1: Do you think it's interesting though, when you consider that
Speaker 1: with someone that you are in love with and that
Speaker 1: is really supportive everything else in your life is shit.
Speaker 1: Let's say you've lost your job, Let's say you know
Speaker 1: someone in your family's sick, or like if there's a
Speaker 1: lot of things that would be causing you to be
Speaker 1: unhappy for very valid reasons. I think if you are
Speaker 1: feeling as though your partner is adding to that unhappiness
Speaker 1: during those times like that, to me is a bit
Speaker 1: of a magnifying glass on your relationship, and it's like,
Speaker 1: do I feel better and more supported from my partner
Speaker 1: at this time, or are they actually making the situation worse.
Speaker 1: If you're with a person who's a good person, you
Speaker 1: would assume that even though these other things are happening
Speaker 1: around you and you know, kind of out of your control,
Speaker 1: that they should make you feel more supported. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Number two, the emotional connection isn't there anymore. I think
Speaker 2: this is a big one. I think this is for me.
Speaker 2: Everyone's going to be different, right how you enter a
Speaker 2: relationship and what you need from the relationship. To me,
Speaker 2: I definitely need that connection because I know physicality and
Speaker 2: the sex and the chemistry it will change and fade,
Speaker 2: But what can remain consistent is that connection, I would
Speaker 2: say for most women, and I'd say it's probably I
Speaker 2: don't want a blanket statement. I don't know what you think, Kisha,
Speaker 2: but I think it's probably more important for women than men.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think stereotypically that would be the case. We're
Speaker 1: deeper connectors. I read this in doc Ali Walker's book.
Speaker 1: She's been on the podcast twice. I think she's absolutely wonderful,
Speaker 1: and it is more common for women to want that
Speaker 1: more intense connection.
Speaker 2: It's like when you're in a heterosexual relationship, right if
Speaker 2: the man cheats, the woman says, well, do you love her?
Speaker 2: Do you have feelings for her? They want to know
Speaker 2: about the emotional connection. If the woman is unfaithful, the
Speaker 2: man is like, how many times did you sleep with him?
Speaker 2: You know, it's very physically based, and with women, the
Speaker 2: first thing is that emotional connection.
Speaker 1: We're more worried or.
Speaker 2: It's more impactful for us if it's emotional cheating than
Speaker 2: it is physical cheating. And I think that comes down
Speaker 2: to having that emotional connection.
Speaker 1: Obviously, there's a lot of complexity as to the reasons
Speaker 1: is why that might be the case, but I do
Speaker 1: think that, yeah, there could be that difference. The third
Speaker 1: one that they listed is that you have different core values.
Speaker 1: It kind of relates to what you and Laura spoke about.
Speaker 1: I think it was two weeks ago on the Tuesday
Speaker 1: episode where you talked about whether you can have a
Speaker 1: difference of opinion with certain values in your life and
Speaker 1: whether that be political, whether it be religious, whether it
Speaker 1: be moral. And I also think that something that is
Speaker 1: really hard is that when you're in a long term relationship,
Speaker 1: sometimes people's core values can change.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: We often hear about the fact that when someone entered
Speaker 1: a relationship they wanted to have children. That was a
Speaker 1: decision that they made, and then, for whatever reason it
Speaker 1: might be, they may have grown into being a person
Speaker 1: who wanted to remain child free. And that is a
Speaker 1: really common story that we hear about why people break down.
Speaker 1: But I actually experienced this with my own parents. My
Speaker 1: dad became very very religious. They've been together for I
Speaker 1: think about oh fifteen, twenty years by this point. They
Speaker 1: got together when they were in high school, which is
Speaker 1: a big change.
Speaker 2: I've spent twenty years with someone where your values align
Speaker 2: and then.
Speaker 1: It changes absolutely. And I think that him going down
Speaker 1: a path of quite is it quite an extreme person
Speaker 1: as well, so he went down a very religious path
Speaker 1: Ziri to or a Hundi, Yeah, and my mum went
Speaker 1: the other way. For me, I actually witnessed this in action.
Speaker 1: I kind of saw that this difference in core values
Speaker 1: and the way that they wanted to live their life
Speaker 1: was probably, in my opinion, it was the biggest factor
Speaker 1: that caused them to break up. There were obviously other
Speaker 1: things as well, but I don't know. I think it's
Speaker 1: I think it's very difficult for people to have different
Speaker 1: religious and political beliefs or even moral values in a
Speaker 1: relationship if they're quite involved with those beliefs, is what
Speaker 1: I would say. We got a message after you guys
Speaker 1: spoke about that on the podcast from this lovely lady
Speaker 1: who she was Christian and her partner was agnostic or atheist.
Speaker 1: I can't remember, but essentially I kind of asked a
Speaker 1: couple more follow up questions because they had children, and
Speaker 1: I was like, can I just ask, like, it's more
Speaker 1: so for my own curiosity, how do you navigate those
Speaker 1: types of situations, whether you want to bring your children
Speaker 1: to church, whether you want to get them christened? Like
Speaker 1: how does that go? And she essentially wrote back and said,
Speaker 1: I hope she doesn't mind me sharing this. I mean,
Speaker 1: she's an anonymous associate, probably right. But she said that
Speaker 1: her partner was really sorry, her husband was really supportive
Speaker 1: of them, as long as by the time the children
Speaker 1: were able to make a decision for themselves about whether
Speaker 1: they wanted to be religious or not, that she respected
Speaker 1: their own individual choice. Yeah, and I thought that was
Speaker 1: a really happy medium. I don't know whether I would
Speaker 1: be able to do that. I don't know whether I
Speaker 1: would be able to have a different religion to my
Speaker 1: partner because I have seen it go so wrong.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean it's going to come down to every
Speaker 2: individual relationship. I think I shared on that episode. Maybe
Speaker 2: I was in a relationship with someone for a few
Speaker 2: years there was Muslim religion. To me, isn't a deterrent
Speaker 2: for relationships if you have different religious beliefs. It's only
Speaker 2: a deterrent if they're extreme, like you just said. So,
Speaker 2: I think many people can have wonderfully successful relationships with
Speaker 2: different beliefs if their beliefs are not being imposed on
Speaker 2: the other person. So, if somebody wants to believe whatever
Speaker 2: they believe, if they want to go to church and
Speaker 2: do that. But if they're not trying to force you
Speaker 2: into a belief that you don't have, I think you
Speaker 2: can have very successful relationships. The next few I think
Speaker 2: are pretty self explanatory. So we've got the core values,
Speaker 2: which I think is very obvious. Lack of trust, feeling
Speaker 2: underappreciated or negatively.
Speaker 1: Judged in the relationship. I think that speaks for itself.
Speaker 2: If you don't trust your partner, I don't want to
Speaker 2: be rude, but why you're with them?
Speaker 1: That's what I would say.
Speaker 2: If I didn't trust my partner, I wouldn't be in
Speaker 2: the relationship one hundred percent. For me, trust is probably
Speaker 2: the most fundamental aspect or building block in a relationship,
Speaker 2: especially in my situation now long distance. Ben could be
Speaker 2: doing whatever the hell he wants and I would I
Speaker 2: would genuinely asleep and I fucking sleep. Wait, you should
Speaker 2: see us training sex taxt days because one of us
Speaker 2: wakes up when this goes to bed.
Speaker 1: It's also so funny because like, you're in a different
Speaker 1: mood when you're going to sleep, and.
Speaker 2: I'm like, yeah, baby, tell me more. Twelve hours later,
Speaker 2: he's still there. That's the moment that's so hot. You're like,
Speaker 2: it's not hot anymore.
Speaker 1: I mean, if you.
Speaker 2: Don't trust someone, you can't have a relationship like it. Ben,
Speaker 2: I could too, Like we could be both doing whatever
Speaker 2: we wanted and our partner could probably never know. So
Speaker 2: if you don't have trust, well you can't.
Speaker 1: Have a relationship. But I do think that trust is
Speaker 1: one of those things that exists on a scale of gray,
Speaker 1: and I think it can ebb and flow, and especially
Speaker 1: in long term relationships, like I don't think it's common
Speaker 1: unless there has been a betrayal, that you trust your
Speaker 1: partner entirely up until one day and then all of
Speaker 1: a sudden you don't unless there's a reason.
Speaker 2: You know, one thing I was so shocked about. I'm
Speaker 2: not gonna like judge anyone that does this. I wouldn't
Speaker 2: do this, but I could not believe how many people,
Speaker 2: when I polled them, said that they would do it.
Speaker 2: So maybe a month ago, I don't know, but we
Speaker 2: had an ask guncut question about one couple. One man
Speaker 2: in the relationship was trying to have an affair with
Speaker 2: a friend of the couple. Oh yeah, yeah, and then
Speaker 2: so he had hit up the other woman in their
Speaker 2: friendship circle. So the other friend had.
Speaker 1: Said no, no way.
Speaker 2: Then the man that had hit him up and said no, no,
Speaker 2: it was a joke. I didn't mean him, And so
Speaker 2: that wife in the relationship she ended up saying, hey,
Speaker 2: look I know that he did that.
Speaker 1: It's fine, in on the joke. I was in on
Speaker 1: the joke. You don't need to make a big deal
Speaker 1: about it.
Speaker 2: So so many this didn't even cross my mind, but
Speaker 2: so many lifers, so many of you guys had written
Speaker 2: to me saying it was probably the wife feeling insecure
Speaker 2: in the relationship, pretending to be the husband to hit
Speaker 2: her up to see what would happen. And I was like,
Speaker 2: no way that would happen, Like, no way you would
Speaker 2: be in a relationship that insecure and make a fake
Speaker 2: account to see if somebody would take the bait.
Speaker 1: I was really shocked at that.
Speaker 2: So I put the poll up on Instagram saying, how
Speaker 2: many of you think that or would do this or
Speaker 2: have done this? How many of you pretended to be
Speaker 2: another account to see if your partner or someone is cheating?
Speaker 1: And I couldn't believe that.
Speaker 2: It was like eighty percent of people said that they
Speaker 2: would do it or had done that in the past. Yeah, well,
Speaker 2: for me, that was really shocking because I thought, wow,
Speaker 2: like if I felt that insecure or felt that my
Speaker 2: partner was cheating on me, And I was like, if
Speaker 2: you are creating another account to try and catch your
Speaker 2: partner out, you're pretty sure though they're doing something wrong.
Speaker 2: So I would personally be going to have that conversation
Speaker 2: with my partner. I get that people need to catch
Speaker 2: them out because at the end of the day, you
Speaker 2: say you're cheating on me, he's gonna say.
Speaker 1: No, and you're like, oh, cool. Yeah. I also have
Speaker 1: like a deep empathy for anyone who's in that situation
Speaker 1: because I've been in relationships where I've if that was
Speaker 1: presented as an option to me, I would have taken it,
Speaker 1: but it was because I was in a bad relationship
Speaker 1: where like I didn't trust him and the truth was
Speaker 1: he was on me, Like yeah, And so I think
Speaker 1: when you're in that it can be so murky and
Speaker 1: you can be so overwhelmed with like the possibility of
Speaker 1: what they're doing that you just want the proof that
Speaker 1: you want the definitive. Even though this information really hurts me,
Speaker 1: at least I have more information, like it does give
Speaker 1: you clarity in those situations. I do completely agree with you,
Speaker 1: and I look back on those situations now and I'm like, wow,
Speaker 1: I actually can't believe I got to that point. I
Speaker 1: can't believe I let my standards drop. But it was
Speaker 1: such a gradual thing. And that's what I mean about
Speaker 1: the trust thing. When I went into that relationship, I
Speaker 1: trusted him because why wouldn't you, you know, like, and
Speaker 1: it was such a the frog in the pot kind
Speaker 1: of analogy, you know that we talk about if you
Speaker 1: throw a frog in boiling water, if you jump out,
Speaker 1: but if you put a frog in warm water and
Speaker 1: then turn it up so it boils, it will die.
Speaker 1: And that's kind of how I think about those types
Speaker 1: of relationships is because you don't you don't realize that
Speaker 1: your standards are gradually dropping, and you don't realize that
Speaker 1: you've become this person who wants to catch their boyfriend cheating,
Speaker 1: because then at least you'll know, Like, but it happens.
Speaker 1: It fucking happens, And it happened to me, you know,
Speaker 1: And I thought I was like, way more confident in
Speaker 1: myself and way more assured that I would never let
Speaker 1: someone treat me like that.
Speaker 2: But you probably are. You probably were when you entered
Speaker 2: the relationship. But it's a Grooming's the wrong word. It's
Speaker 2: like a slow burn, like they wear you down.
Speaker 1: It's a manipulation. Yeah, it's a manipulation.
Speaker 2: They make you feel like you would do anything to
Speaker 2: stay in that relationship and that they can do the
Speaker 2: wrong thing and you'll stay there.
Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely. Well the next one is, like you said,
Speaker 1: feeling underappreciated in the relationship. I feel as though this
Speaker 1: would be one of the biggest reasons that women in
Speaker 1: particular leave marriages, the gradual not feeling appreciated for everything
Speaker 1: that you do to keep a home, to look after children,
Speaker 1: to raise them, the sacrifices that you make. It's the
Speaker 1: zero point one percents that start to add up over time,
Speaker 1: and you get to this point where you just realize
Speaker 1: that you feel so underappreciated for every single sacrifice that
Speaker 1: you've made that you don't want to be in the
Speaker 1: relationship anymore. Yeah.
Speaker 2: And I think this is a hard one for us
Speaker 2: to comment on in terms of families and children because
Speaker 2: we don't have children, But one hundred percent people can
Speaker 2: feel unappreciated in relationships without kids. But I feel like
Speaker 2: the driving factor here is families, because the workload with
Speaker 2: kids doesn't stop, and I feel like a lot of
Speaker 2: that load in most relationships falls on the woman.
Speaker 1: I'd be really interested to ask people in sid sex
Speaker 1: relationships what the dynamic is in your relationship with this
Speaker 1: type of thing, because I think often one partner always
Speaker 1: carries more of the mental load in the relationship. It's
Speaker 1: the person who knows that it's been night. It's the
Speaker 1: person who knows that the dishwasher needs to be put on.
Speaker 1: It's the one who knows when the milk is getting
Speaker 1: low in the fridge and you've got to go and
Speaker 1: get some more. It's like the toilet paper person. You know,
Speaker 1: there's always one person in the relationship that carries that
Speaker 1: shit in the back of their minds. I hope it
Speaker 1: wants breaking up over toil about honestly, though, I genuinely
Speaker 1: would understand it. I would understand that if you had
Speaker 1: carried the entire mental load of your relationship for years
Speaker 1: and years and years.
Speaker 2: If you have metaphorically wiped his air the last ten years,
Speaker 2: if you've made sure that they can wipe their ass
Speaker 2: for ten years and they have never once.
Speaker 1: Thought about the fact you're going to run out of
Speaker 1: toilet paper, Like, I get that. I actually think that
Speaker 1: would be one of the things that would make me break.
Speaker 2: To be honest, this morning I had this thought, it's
Speaker 2: so stupid, but because Better and I only spend like
Speaker 2: two months together max at a time. But this morning
Speaker 2: I realized we're learning some of our like the living
Speaker 2: characteristics trait.
Speaker 1: It's not a good time.
Speaker 2: This morning I went to the bathroom and I was like,
Speaker 2: why would you if you run out of toilet paper? No,
Speaker 2: replace it, No, it's the empty one stays on there
Speaker 2: on the toilet hole.
Speaker 1: But then a new role is on the ground.
Speaker 2: And I'm like, so you've at least you've replaced it,
Speaker 2: or maybe I don't know, maybe I brought it in
Speaker 2: for him, I don't know, but he's replaced it enough
Speaker 2: that it's in there, but just can't take the empty
Speaker 2: role off.
Speaker 1: And I was like, why that would send me? For Karen, Yes,
Speaker 1: for Karen number six.
Speaker 2: You consistently fantasize about a different life or different partners. Now,
Speaker 2: I think this is a bit of like a double
Speaker 2: edged sword, and I don't think this is a defining
Speaker 2: factor for a breakup necessarily. I'm believe it or not,
Speaker 2: I'm going against the PhD in the doctor's here. I
Speaker 2: think it's really common to fantasize about a different life
Speaker 2: sometimes or the whole idea of the grass is always greener.
Speaker 2: Imagine if I didn't have kids and I was in
Speaker 2: Europe with my friends like everyone else right now, you know.
Speaker 2: Imagine if I hadn't been having sex with the same
Speaker 2: person for the last ten years and I was out
Speaker 2: having a one night stand, like it is so normal
Speaker 2: to have those thoughts in a relationship. The question here
Speaker 2: is are you still giving yourself to your relationship or
Speaker 2: have you completely checked out? Like are you all day
Speaker 2: fantasizing about something else? And your partner doesn't come into
Speaker 2: the equation anymore at all.
Speaker 1: Because these little.
Speaker 2: Thoughts of like what ifs are natural human thoughts. They're
Speaker 2: completely normal for you to go through life and be like, Oh,
Speaker 2: imagine if I didn't get married ten years ago, Imagine
Speaker 2: I didn't have twenty five kids, Like that's completely standard.
Speaker 2: But if you are just like fucking chatting Tatum in
Speaker 2: your head every single night and you haven't slept with
Speaker 2: your partner in a year, there might be bigger issues.
Speaker 1: Jillian Treki is an expert that you guys spokes on
Speaker 1: the podcast specifically about this, and I reishally liked that.
Speaker 1: I'll put it in the show notes, so if you
Speaker 1: guys want to listen. It was a really really good episode.
Speaker 1: I loved that one. I remember talking, you guys talking
Speaker 1: with her about is it normal to have sex streams
Speaker 1: about other people? She was like, of course it is, yeah,
Speaker 1: And I remember feeling a bit of relief. So I've
Speaker 1: had sex dreams about people that I'm like, why are
Speaker 1: you not even have any things with that person before?
Speaker 1: And I don't necessarily want to. Even if you whisper
Speaker 1: on this podcast, they can still hear you. She's she's
Speaker 1: got her mouth, her hand up to a mass. He goes,
Speaker 1: I've had sex dreams with others. It's so strange to me,
Speaker 1: Like there are people that there's actually one in particular
Speaker 1: that I went to primary school with on my days.
Speaker 1: I hope no one that I went to school with
Speaker 1: listenance to this. It is so strange to me because
Speaker 1: I've had sex dreams about him before, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I've never slept with him. I don't think about him
Speaker 1: that way right now, Like, what is this weird subconscious
Speaker 1: thing that's going on, and I felt a huge amount
Speaker 1: of relief of her being like, no, I don't worry,
Speaker 1: it's pretty, it's relatively normal. It's I think again, this
Speaker 1: word consistently that they've put in the list is the
Speaker 1: big thing. It's like whether you're kind of completely checked
Speaker 1: out if you're in relationship and you're just dreaming about
Speaker 1: another one. And I also think we are so guilty
Speaker 1: of putting the rose colored glasses on previous situationships or
Speaker 1: previous relationships, you know, like you remember the good bits,
Speaker 1: and I think there's point in time where you're like
Speaker 1: you're geting pissed off because your partner doesn't replace the
Speaker 1: toilet roll.
Speaker 2: But also I've had sex dreams before where I've woken
Speaker 2: up feeling disgusting, Like I disgusted with myself, Like.
Speaker 1: Well, you're the person that you just get to dream
Speaker 1: sex with, yes, and the things that were happening in
Speaker 1: there like in a dream.
Speaker 2: But the whole point is it's your subconscious It's the
Speaker 2: way you dream about being murdered or dying or like whatever.
Speaker 1: You can't control your dreams. It doesn't mean you want it.
Speaker 1: Your dreams are not.
Speaker 2: Indicative necessarily what you want to say that they are,
Speaker 2: though there are some people who like do full dream analysis,
Speaker 2: and I just I don't know.
Speaker 1: Not for me, to be honest, I don't even want
Speaker 1: to know. I don't want to know what it means,
Speaker 1: if it means anything. Let's go to number seven. Your
Speaker 1: partner is uninterested in addressing issues that arise in your relationship,
Speaker 1: big one. I also think that that kind of comes
Speaker 1: down to like the one sided nature of communication in
Speaker 1: a relationship. Like I think that's actually quite related to
Speaker 1: some of the other one and pretty obvious. I don't
Speaker 1: think we really need to unpark that one. Yeah, Number
Speaker 1: eight is something that I really hope we are all
Speaker 1: aware of. They listed that you notice repetitive, unhealthy patterns
Speaker 1: or signs of abuse, and that's a black and white.
Speaker 2: One, as we've spoken about many times on many different
Speaker 2: episodes here. Yes it is black and white that it
Speaker 2: is a reason to break up, but we also know
Speaker 2: leaving and breaking up isn't black and white.
Speaker 1: So that's really important that.
Speaker 2: We reiterate that it should not be in any relationship,
Speaker 2: and you shouldn't be in a relationship that has abuse
Speaker 2: of any kinds emotional, financial, physical, But we understand it's
Speaker 2: not as easy as saying thank you next.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's also accumulative. Again, like we've said a couple
Speaker 1: of times, I think it's really hard to pinpoint the
Speaker 1: moment that you go, okay, we'll accept this, won't accept that,
Speaker 1: because it's so gradual.
Speaker 2: Number nine, the last reason that you should relieve a relationship,
Speaker 2: according to the specialist, is that your friends, family, and
Speaker 2: loved ones are concerned.
Speaker 1: Concern is an interesting.
Speaker 2: Term, and I say this because I've been in a
Speaker 2: relationship for I was in a relationship.
Speaker 1: With two and my family didn't like.
Speaker 2: Him at all, hated him for me, but I didn't
Speaker 2: know okay, because they didn't tell me until we broke up.
Speaker 2: And they made that choice because they didn't think that
Speaker 2: I was unsafe. It wasn't like physical abuse or any abuse.
Speaker 2: They just didn't like who he was and they didn't
Speaker 2: like us together or the way my life probably would
Speaker 2: have panned out if I stayed with him. But at
Speaker 2: the time I seemed happy, So they made the choice
Speaker 2: of saying, let's not sit on a relationship right now,
Speaker 2: let's just see what pans out. And as soon as
Speaker 2: we broke up. My dad was like thank fuck, and.
Speaker 1: I was shocked.
Speaker 2: I was like, oh you never that was like I
Speaker 2: never liked him. The problem is, and we've spoken about
Speaker 2: this on other episodes, but you risk if you are
Speaker 2: friends and family and you go to your friend or
Speaker 2: relative and say, you know, we don't like this person
Speaker 2: for you for this, this or this reason, you risk
Speaker 2: isolating and alienating that person. And Laura spoken about that
Speaker 2: a lot. She she was I guess the victim of
Speaker 2: that that she left her friendship, circles and her families
Speaker 2: because she was so defended of the boyfriend that she
Speaker 2: was with who was a total dirtbag, and her friends
Speaker 2: and family were right. But it's a tricky place, Like
Speaker 2: it's a really tricky place to be to be able
Speaker 2: to listen to your friends and family's concerns and not
Speaker 2: isolate anyone.
Speaker 1: I think it's also tricky because if you are the
Speaker 1: person who is the family or the friend and you
Speaker 1: voice it and they stay together, yeah, Christmas, Well, it's
Speaker 1: just like it's just awkward. You know, like you know
Speaker 1: that you're going to be spending time with this person,
Speaker 1: you know that the person that you love is aware
Speaker 1: of what you think of their relationship. They're going to
Speaker 1: feel judged. They're probably going to feel defensive of their
Speaker 1: own choices, because we all want to feel as though
Speaker 1: we're like intelligent enough to have autonomy over the decisions
Speaker 1: we make about the person that we want to be with.
Speaker 1: But the problem is that you can so easily be
Speaker 1: blinded when you've got feelings and when you've got emotions involved,
Speaker 1: and it's so much easier for the people around you
Speaker 1: to see things more clearly.
Speaker 2: I believe there is a way to do it, and
Speaker 2: I think one way, as an example, is not necessarily
Speaker 2: to go to them and say he or she's fucked,
Speaker 2: like you need to leave if that's discussed, Like, you
Speaker 2: can't just go ham and shit on the person. But
Speaker 2: I think what you do is when they're maybe talking
Speaker 2: to you about something that's happened or an argument, or
Speaker 2: the way they've spoken to you or something they've done,
Speaker 2: there are ways to say, I don't think that's that normal,
Speaker 2: like that shouldn't really be happening at this point of
Speaker 2: a relationship. There's ways to say instead of pinpointing on
Speaker 2: him or her, to say what is or isn't.
Speaker 1: Healthy in a relationship. And I literally did it last
Speaker 1: week to a friend.
Speaker 2: A friend was telling me about this huge fight that
Speaker 2: they had and the way that he had been speaking
Speaker 2: to her, the way he had treated her. I took
Speaker 2: it back to my relationship, which I might not have.
Speaker 2: I said, oh, you know, I would be really upset
Speaker 2: if Ben spoken like that. I set the ground was
Speaker 2: straight away and I said, no, you were not swear
Speaker 2: me in a relationship, You'll not do this like I've
Speaker 2: set those boundaries. I said, it's not really healthy to
Speaker 2: have that, So maybe you need to revisit your boundaries
Speaker 2: with your partner. And so I tried to put it
Speaker 2: that way, like express a bit more how you feel
Speaker 2: that you don't want to be spoken to in that way.
Speaker 2: There are definitely ways to do it like that that
Speaker 2: are not going to push your friend away from you,
Speaker 2: because once your friend has been pushed away really hard
Speaker 2: to bring them back.
Speaker 1: It's almost like they need to come to the realization themselves.
Speaker 1: There are three questions that I wrote down for you
Speaker 1: to ask yourself if you're possibly in this position after
Speaker 1: reading these articles, and I'm interested to get your thoughts
Speaker 1: on the brit The first one was, I think you
Speaker 1: should ask yourself am I staying in this relationship out
Speaker 1: of fear of being alone.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a big one that I have definitely done before.
Speaker 2: I have definitely stayen relationships far too long. And I
Speaker 2: think as women, we have a big fear of being
Speaker 2: on our own. And I don't know where that inherently
Speaker 2: comes from. I think it comes from biological pressure. Well, yeah, patriarchy,
Speaker 2: but also biological pressures. You know, if you are a
Speaker 2: woman of a certain age and you want.
Speaker 1: To reproduce, Like there are also a lot of notions,
Speaker 1: like you said about the patriarchy of used goods, you know,
Speaker 1: like you don't want to be the single woman at
Speaker 1: a certain age that is trying to pick up young men,
Speaker 1: and like there's just so much shame involved in those
Speaker 1: types of communication. I guess yes, it goes further than
Speaker 1: that too.
Speaker 2: It goes to the point, and it's something that I've
Speaker 2: noticed since I've been in a relationship because I was
Speaker 2: on my own for so long, there was a huge
Speaker 2: relief that I don't have to go through everything.
Speaker 1: On my own. So it wasn't being alone.
Speaker 2: I'm happy to be alone, but the idea that if
Speaker 2: I lost my job, now there's someone to financially help
Speaker 2: me that I'm going to have a roof over my head.
Speaker 2: I don't have to make every decision.
Speaker 1: On my own.
Speaker 2: And I remember maybe two years ago, three years ago,
Speaker 2: i don't know, on the podcast talking about the surprising
Speaker 2: feelings that I felt when I finally did get into
Speaker 2: a relationship, and it was the relief of not having
Speaker 2: to make every.
Speaker 1: Life decision on my own and I had someone to
Speaker 1: go through it with.
Speaker 2: It wasn't that I had someone physically there, because I
Speaker 2: was happy to be on my own, but it's a
Speaker 2: really nice thought to say, hey, if something doesn't work out,
Speaker 2: I've got someone that's going to help me out. And
Speaker 2: I think a lot of people staying in relationships for
Speaker 2: that reason. So, Keisha, how do you personally distinguish between
Speaker 2: just going through a rough patch in your relationship or
Speaker 2: being like fundamentally incompatible?
Speaker 1: Big, big question. It is a huge question, and it's
Speaker 1: also something that I'm not completely going to go into
Speaker 1: the depths of this, but this is something that I
Speaker 1: really had to debate a couple of months ago in
Speaker 1: my own relationship. You know, it was me working out
Speaker 1: whether this was just a bit of a rough patch
Speaker 1: or a rough couple of months for us or whether
Speaker 1: it was a sign that maybe we were headed in
Speaker 1: different directions. And I really really struggled with it. The
Speaker 1: one thing that I think helped me was I listened
Speaker 1: to this podcast and life on Cut. Yeah, just listened
Speaker 1: to our own put. I mean I listened to it
Speaker 1: three times before the episodes are published as it is,
Speaker 1: but more listening. They spoke about how often when we're
Speaker 1: in these situations, we really play the blame game. We
Speaker 1: really go like, oh, they're doing this, they're doing that,
Speaker 1: and I'm unhappy about this, and I'm unhappy about that.
Speaker 1: The advice that they gave was really about putting the
Speaker 1: mirror on yourself and trying to list the things that
Speaker 1: you're able to improve on in the relationship. During that time,
Speaker 1: I really realized that I was playing tit for tat.
Speaker 1: I was like keeping score and not really being a teammate.
Speaker 1: I was getting resentful of certain things, and I was
Speaker 1: feeling as though more of the load was on me,
Speaker 1: and I was getting really frustrated by it, and I
Speaker 1: was feeling underappreciated. But I actually really purposefully sat down
Speaker 1: and I was like, Okay, maybe I need to just
Speaker 1: see what I can do better in the relationship and
Speaker 1: just see if it makes the relationship improve, and try
Speaker 1: and be less resentful of these things that are pissing
Speaker 1: me off. And the second I did that, the change
Speaker 1: in my relationship was astronomical. I was actually like, holy shit, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I didn't realize how much my resent was becoming a
Speaker 1: poison in our relationship, and it was just getting worse
Speaker 1: and I was getting more resentful and more angry. Again,
Speaker 1: this is going to be so individual. It's going to
Speaker 1: be so based off of your own circumstances and also
Speaker 1: off of the length of the time that your rough
Speaker 1: patch is.
Speaker 2: For me.
Speaker 1: Now, I guess if this is ever to come up again,
Speaker 1: which it will, you know, inevitably everyone goes through this,
Speaker 1: and you probably go through it a lot. I'm going
Speaker 1: to first go, Okay, I'm getting really frustrated by these things,
Speaker 1: But how can I be more of a teammate. And
Speaker 1: if I start to change my behavior and things don't
Speaker 1: get better, I think for me that would be the
Speaker 1: sense of whether it's incompatibility.
Speaker 2: It comes down to the frequency of how many times
Speaker 2: you have to have these moments and is the other
Speaker 2: person coming to the table too, Because It can't just
Speaker 2: be every time there's a rough patch that you come
Speaker 2: to the table. It can't just be like, Okay, I'm
Speaker 2: going to check myself meet halfway make the relationship better,
Speaker 2: because that's always going to make the relationship better.
Speaker 1: But it can very much be a.
Speaker 2: Band aid unless both people accept and understand how the
Speaker 2: other person is feeling. And I think that is imperative.
Speaker 2: So it's like, how often this is happening and are
Speaker 2: both people coming to the table.
Speaker 1: I think that's a good point, Britt. For you, what
Speaker 1: are some clear signs for you that indicate that it
Speaker 1: might be time to end a relationship? Oh, I mean
Speaker 1: we just live a night of them that professionals thought,
Speaker 1: But what for you personally? Do you know?
Speaker 2: For me, I mean, the number one thing is that
Speaker 2: I have had in the past is the ick. I
Speaker 2: haven't ever been able to come back from an ick,
Speaker 2: so once I have had that, And there's obviously a
Speaker 2: lot of things that lead up to that. But I
Speaker 2: think in a relationship almost everything almost can be worked through,
Speaker 2: like general issues that are relationship has and I'm talking
Speaker 2: sense the serious things.
Speaker 1: Like the abuse.
Speaker 2: I even say that to the point of cheating, and
Speaker 2: like when I started this podcast five years ago, I
Speaker 2: would have been out the front door. I would have said,
Speaker 2: if you cheat on me, I'm done. But I have
Speaker 2: such a bigger understanding of why and what that looks
Speaker 2: like now that I think even that can be worked
Speaker 2: through under the right circumstances. And I want to blanket
Speaker 2: that because every time I say that, all Laura says
Speaker 2: that people come for us. It's okay to have a
Speaker 2: difference of opinion. It's okay for you to be in
Speaker 2: a relationship right now, and cheating is a deal breaker.
Speaker 2: But I think you very much have to understand the
Speaker 2: situation that comes from Esther Perel, the relationship specialist that
Speaker 2: we've spoken to. The episode that we did with her
Speaker 2: many moons ago really changed my outlook on cheating. For me,
Speaker 2: if it's any one of those points that we've discussed
Speaker 2: that is reoccurring and you can't shake, then it's probably
Speaker 2: time to leave the relationship. If you are constantly thinking
Speaker 2: about a particular person, so I know we said earlier,
Speaker 2: if your brain is thinking of different lives and it's
Speaker 2: wandering and different sex, what sex would be like with
Speaker 2: that person, that's all normal. But if you know deep
Speaker 2: down you have feelings for someone might be the person
Speaker 2: at the gym, or someone that you work with all
Speaker 2: the time, someone that you are thinking about consistently. I
Speaker 2: think it's probably time to leave the relationship if you
Speaker 2: look ten years down the track and you can't see
Speaker 2: yourselves living in the same place or doing the same
Speaker 2: things day to day. If it's kids, or if it's
Speaker 2: one of you wants to go to church and raise
Speaker 2: your kids in a religion, those big differences. It is
Speaker 2: so much easier to end a relationship now than in
Speaker 2: ten years time. But I truly believe everyone is going
Speaker 2: to go to this feeling of am I with the
Speaker 2: right person? And I also truly believe that deep down
Speaker 2: you already know the answer. Sometimes it's really hard to
Speaker 2: face though. Relationships take work, like the right relationship isn't
Speaker 2: going to be a walk in the park for the
Speaker 2: rest of your life, and this day and age, we
Speaker 2: have a real tendency to want to tap out really quickly.
Speaker 2: I think it's a generational thing. Our parents and grandparents
Speaker 2: wouldn't have done.
Speaker 1: That, and they didn't do that. They rode through the
Speaker 1: hard times. But now we have.
Speaker 2: Access to an exit and so many options and I'm
Speaker 2: talking like online dating.
Speaker 1: I think that's multifaceted.
Speaker 2: Though.
Speaker 1: I actually think that with the rise of women's rights
Speaker 1: and our ability to make money and support ourselves, I
Speaker 1: think it is a good thing overall that women now
Speaker 1: feel more comfortable leaving relationships.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, one hundred percent. We're in a more comfortable position
Speaker 2: to leave when we want to.
Speaker 1: But I guess what I'm saying is sometimes you take
Speaker 1: the kind of quick the queen.
Speaker 2: Is the exit. Yeah, I asked my dad this. My
Speaker 2: mum and dad had been married for forty five years.
Speaker 2: They have a really good relationship, and they have a
Speaker 2: really good relationship. I've never heard my dad raise his
Speaker 2: voice to my mom. He would never swear at my mom.
Speaker 2: They still write each other love notes, they hold hands
Speaker 2: when they walk. And I asked my dad that, really,
Speaker 2: honestly a couple of years ago, and he said, there
Speaker 2: was a time that we nearly broke up. You know,
Speaker 2: He's like, we were not happy, but we had four
Speaker 2: little kids. That's why we weren't happy. We were struggling
Speaker 2: to make ends meet, we weren't sleeping, we were stressed.
Speaker 2: It would have been very easy to leave and call
Speaker 2: it a day and he's like, but I'm so glad
Speaker 2: we worked through that because the best parts of our
Speaker 2: relationship came after the unhappiness and that was a real
Speaker 2: point where he's like, you need to work at relationships.
Speaker 1: That's what I want people to know.
Speaker 2: The first sign of trouble in a relationship doesn't have
Speaker 2: to be an exit, but deep down, you know if
Speaker 2: the person you're with is going to be your forever,
Speaker 2: Like you know that gut feeling, that intrinsic gut feeling
Speaker 2: that we get that as women, we so often choose
Speaker 2: to ignore and then later on we're like, oh, should
Speaker 2: have probably listened to that. That's the thing I think
Speaker 2: we need to start listening to.
Speaker 1: Do you know what's so interesting? I don't know if
Speaker 1: I agree with that very last point of yours intrinsic
Speaker 1: gut feeling, just that knowledge of the one. I don't
Speaker 1: think there is a one why, Like I definitely don't either.
Speaker 1: I think that there are so many people that you
Speaker 1: could be with for your long term relationship. I think
Speaker 1: because I get confused between lust, desire, compatibility, reliability, stability,
Speaker 1: and it even spreads into this idea of happiness. And
Speaker 1: this is something that I thought about quite a long
Speaker 1: time ago and thought about how happiness for me is
Speaker 1: not a reliable indicator of anything. And I think that
Speaker 1: this exists especially for people who live with mental illness.
Speaker 1: So if you have depression, anxiety, if you are in
Speaker 1: your own diverse, yeah, I know that a lot of
Speaker 1: people are going to be like, what the fuck are
Speaker 1: you talking about? And then there's going to be some
Speaker 1: people who are like, oh, I so understand what you're
Speaker 1: talking about right now. For me, I've been through periods
Speaker 1: of my life where externally, everything can be great. My
Speaker 1: job can be good, like my living arrangements, whether I'm
Speaker 1: in a relationship or not, everything can be great. And
Speaker 1: I have been in some of the worst depression waves
Speaker 1: I've ever experienced, and I think I've started to realize
Speaker 1: that because whether it's neurochemistry, whether it's dopamine, I don't
Speaker 1: know what the fuck it is in my brain. But
Speaker 1: even when I work on the circumstances for things that
Speaker 1: should alleviate me of feeling depressed, sometimes I don't have
Speaker 1: a choice in it. Sometimes I feel so depressed for
Speaker 1: no logical reason, unfortunately for me, and I think a
Speaker 1: lot of people will feel the same feelings of happiness
Speaker 1: or feelings of joy are not necessarily reliable to make
Speaker 1: any decisions in your life based off of, because it
Speaker 1: can be fleeting, and it can be unpredictable, and it
Speaker 1: can be not reflective of what's actually going on around you.
Speaker 1: And it's so frustrating as well when you're the type
Speaker 1: of person who feels like that, And I think it
Speaker 1: impacts your relationships so much, and I hate that it
Speaker 1: does because you don't really have control over it either,
Speaker 1: and so you can be feeling as though you're not
Speaker 1: giving your role and that you're not being a good partner.
Speaker 1: And maybe it's one of the reasons that you feel
Speaker 1: like you should up because you're like, well, I'm not
Speaker 1: feeling happy in this relationship. And it's so frustrating when
Speaker 1: you're like, well, am I not feeling happy because of
Speaker 1: the relationship? Or am I just fucked? Like is my
Speaker 1: brain just not able to make me feel happiness in
Speaker 1: a way that other people experience? Yeah, And firstly, the
Speaker 1: answer is no, You're not fucked. No abatable, Like, I
Speaker 1: know that this is a really dark and a deeper
Speaker 1: version of this type of conversation, but I think one
Speaker 1: of the main questions that people get asked when they're
Speaker 1: talking with their friends about whether they should break up
Speaker 1: or not is are you happy?
Speaker 2: And that is something that I think we all need
Speaker 2: to remember. If you're listening right now, you are not alone.
Speaker 2: If you have those feelings, you're not fucked in the brain.
Speaker 2: As Kisha said, you might be, yeah, but it's not
Speaker 2: your fault and it's just something that you need to
Speaker 2: work through with your partner and externally with a relationship therapist,
Speaker 2: with a personal therapist before you go in and make
Speaker 2: any rash decisions in your relationship.
Speaker 1: Let's get into accidentally unfiltered most embarrassing stories.
Speaker 2: Brittany had one of her own with the Kegari with
Speaker 2: photo bombing someone else's wedding shoe.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay.
Speaker 2: We live on land and over the years have had
Speaker 2: many different people keep their horses at our house. So
Speaker 2: one afternoon, my mum got a text from her number
Speaker 2: she didn't have saved in her phone informing her that
Speaker 2: someone had passed away. And the text had all the
Speaker 2: funeral details and was signed off with the family's names,
Speaker 2: which were all very generic. So my mum was reading
Speaker 2: it and couldn't figure out if they had sent the
Speaker 2: text to the wrong person or if she knew the
Speaker 2: family or who it was. She came into my room
Speaker 2: and read the text out to me to see if
Speaker 2: I could figure it out, but I also couldn't. Fifteen
Speaker 2: minutes later, she comes back into my room panicking, saying deleted, deleted, deleted.
Speaker 1: Oh no, no, no, no, no no, no, help me, help me,
Speaker 1: please get rid of it. And I'm like, what is
Speaker 1: going on? So I look at her phone and she
Speaker 1: had meant to send me a text message on but
Speaker 1: instead she replied to the person who had sent the
Speaker 1: original funeral details, the person who is giving yeah, the
Speaker 1: death notice. Yeah, this is what she said. I've worked
Speaker 1: it out. It's Sally's mom, it's Sprinkle's owner.
Speaker 2: It's sad because she was pretty nice.
Speaker 1: Her husband was a tad weird though.
Speaker 2: Oh no, she just said it was the horse's mom mom,
Speaker 2: it was Sprinkle's mom. It was Sprinkle's mom that died,
Speaker 2: and the husband's weird, and the husband's weird. And she
Speaker 2: has sent that back to the daughter who sent it
Speaker 2: funeral details. So she's basically said her mam has passed away.
Speaker 2: And she basically said.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm dying Oh my god, that's the
Speaker 1: wrong term.
Speaker 2: Her mama's died and she's got a text from someone
Speaker 2: being like, I've worked out who it is.
Speaker 1: It's the horse's pair. Also, your dad's a bit strange.
Speaker 1: Dad's safe to say.
Speaker 2: She was mortified and obviously didn't attend the funeral. To
Speaker 2: make things worse. Only a few weeks later, Apple announced
Speaker 2: they were bringing out the new feature where.
Speaker 1: You could send her miss Yeah.
Speaker 2: That is funny, but not funny like that, the circumstance
Speaker 2: is not funny.
Speaker 1: That is so funny. We got another one that I
Speaker 1: had have been absolute stitches. I went to Laser Clinics
Speaker 1: for my usual Brazilian treatment zap the lady. As I
Speaker 1: added that, the lady asked me if I would like
Speaker 1: the full treatment, you know, the front and the back feels.
Speaker 1: I think they call it the Hollywood. Yeah, remember I
Speaker 1: talked about it the Holywood. So I flip around and
Speaker 1: she does a couple of zaps and then pulls the
Speaker 1: laser machine out. To my astonishment, the plastic part on
Speaker 1: the top of the gun was left in my butt
Speaker 1: cheeks because I hang off, hang on, it does feel
Speaker 1: like Satan is stabbing you in the asshole. I disagree.
Speaker 2: I have had three Hollywoods. And also how far up
Speaker 2: they put in it that you've clenched it and pulled
Speaker 2: it off with your butt cheeks.
Speaker 1: They do really room it up there, do they not?
Speaker 2: For you?
Speaker 1: You pull your cheeks apart?
Speaker 2: Yes, okay, but they told me to they like spread it,
Speaker 2: probably because too many people's machines were getting stuck up
Speaker 2: the butt.
Speaker 1: That's fucking hilarious. I've had different strokes to different folks,
Speaker 1: meaning like I've had laser done so many times that
Speaker 1: I kind of go like, how do you want me?
Speaker 1: I just realized that I should never make eye contact
Speaker 1: when I asked them that do you want me? Do
Speaker 1: you want any spreading? Some want you on your tummy,
Speaker 1: someone you on your side, Some want you to lift
Speaker 1: a leg.
Speaker 2: Someone I've always had, dummy, have you I've always had
Speaker 2: please roll over and spread your cheeks.
Speaker 1: No, I've done side, and I feel like maybe this
Speaker 1: girl's side because it's side. Too much gravity on the
Speaker 1: top cheek. That's how it got No, she said. She
Speaker 1: said she clenched it picture on a tummy and being like,
Speaker 1: I've definitely clenched because it does hurt. It does feel
Speaker 1: like maybe my butt is immune. It doesn't couple, no,
Speaker 1: because I don't even like it in the butt.
Speaker 2: So suck and sweet highlight and the low light of
Speaker 2: the week. My suck this week is that Delilah, my dog,
Speaker 2: the little b I t h has completely forgotten I existed,
Speaker 2: like I have raised her from a puppy for three years.
Speaker 1: It's not her birthday yet we missed.
Speaker 2: The thoughts in July. We did miss the last two July.
Speaker 2: She just like forgets when there's a man in her house.
Speaker 2: She forgets how exist. I've never seen a dog like
Speaker 2: it any men, whether she knows them or not. She's
Speaker 2: the biggest flirt. She just has this like obsession with Ben.
Speaker 2: And I will come home from like a big day,
Speaker 2: or we'll wake up in the morning and say hello
Speaker 2: to it, and I'll be like la lah and she
Speaker 2: just will not even make Iconda run straight past me.
Speaker 1: You won't even she won't even come for a pat and.
Speaker 2: Just sit on Ben's face, which I also like to do,
Speaker 2: so I understand it.
Speaker 1: But Ben will be like cut cut She's only human, No,
Speaker 1: she's a dog.
Speaker 2: But I understand it. So that's my suck this week
Speaker 2: is that like when there's a man I don't exist.
Speaker 2: My sweet is Hamilton Island. Obviously, I had an amazing
Speaker 2: weekend with Ben, very loved up in the sunshine. It
Speaker 2: was beautiful, lots of hanky panky and just a whole,
Speaker 2: really wholesome.
Speaker 1: Couple of days. That sounds wonderful. My suck for the
Speaker 1: week isn't this will sound odd? Is my boyfriend's birthday
Speaker 1: next week? And for my birthday last year, it was
Speaker 1: my thirtieth, so it was a special birthday and he
Speaker 1: went above, above, above, and beyond on the gifts. I
Speaker 1: received more gifts from my birthday from him than what
Speaker 1: I have collectively received from my entire family for the
Speaker 1: past ten years.
Speaker 2: Do you think that that is because it was just
Speaker 2: your first birthday together, so he was and you were
Speaker 2: still pretty new, so he's just trying to like lock
Speaker 2: you in, and now he's got you dreckking get in
Speaker 2: a tea towel.
Speaker 1: I don't know. It could be any of the above,
Speaker 1: but now his birthdays rolled around, it's this week and
Speaker 1: I have spent a disgusting amount of money. What did
Speaker 1: you get in? I feel like I can say it
Speaker 1: because he doesn't listen to the podcast he's requested, and
Speaker 1: I'm not even joking. It's so strange a jap and
Speaker 1: he's cooking knife.
Speaker 2: Oh that's I get that. If you're no, I get that.
Speaker 2: I bought Ben cooking stuff for his birthday. If you're
Speaker 2: a man and you like to cook, they froth that.
Speaker 1: How is a piece of metal? I don't care how
Speaker 1: sharp it is? How is a piece of metal that expensive? Kisha?
Speaker 2: He probably says the same thing when you ask for jewelry.
Speaker 1: How is it my brain is blue? It's so true.
Speaker 1: At least it's gold. At least it's like a valuable metal.
Speaker 1: This is like steel. This is an alloy of shit,
Speaker 1: metals that are found everywhere that are just shaped into
Speaker 1: something that cuts things easily. Frankly, the sharp of the knife,
Speaker 1: the more cautious I am to use it, because I
Speaker 1: just don't trust myself. I'm really clumsy. Anyway, I've spent
Speaker 1: a disgusting amount of money on a Japanese night, Like,
Speaker 1: I'm like, here's your kif I love it, And hopefully
Speaker 1: he doesn't listen to this and I spoils it. No,
Speaker 1: he doesn't ever listen to the podcast, So I think
Speaker 1: we're safe, But My sweet for the week is actually
Speaker 1: related to Delilah as well, because she might have forgotten you,
Speaker 1: but she has not forgotten me. I spent five days
Speaker 1: with her in the Wound my dog were in Hamilton Island,
Speaker 1: and it was the most joyous experience with her that
Speaker 1: I've ever had. I feel like she's getting to that
Speaker 1: age where she's lost some of her annoying puppy traits.
Speaker 1: She used to be naughty. She can still be a
Speaker 1: little naughty, but she gets tired quick. She's like naughty
Speaker 1: and Okay, I will come back. I will come back
Speaker 1: to you at the park. I just had such a
Speaker 1: good I didn't actually realize how much I needed this.
Speaker 1: I needed for my days to consist of get up,
Speaker 1: go for a walk, come home, do some work, go
Speaker 1: for another walk, come home, have dinner, and go to bed.
Speaker 1: And I did that for five days straight and it
Speaker 1: has absolutely reset me to a position where I'm just
Speaker 1: feeling so good and my bloody lover. I had the
Speaker 1: best time with her. It actually was such a joy
Speaker 1: having her, and I'm so sorry she followed me around
Speaker 1: like a fucking shadow.
Speaker 2: She follows me like a shadow, but she just doesn't
Speaker 2: She just that's only because she's like, don't leave the
Speaker 2: house without me, like I'm gonna be on you. But
Speaker 2: funnily enough, one of our mutual friends you went for
Speaker 2: a walk with her, Kim Kim single, and Kim messaged
Speaker 2: me and she's like, holy shit, I have never been
Speaker 2: stopped so many times than when I'm with Delilah and crazy.
Speaker 2: I said, yeah, I know that's the standard. And I said,
Speaker 2: why don't you start to take her as a pickup.
Speaker 2: She's like, I think I'm gonna have to. She's like,
Speaker 2: it is she's never experienced an opener like Delilah. And
Speaker 2: I was like, no one gets you talking like Delilah.
Speaker 1: My old male housemates when they were single, yes, used
Speaker 1: to take to take her deliberately because they would like
Speaker 1: get three girls phone numbers because they're like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: you can come for a walk with us, and then
Speaker 1: right at the end they'd be like, by the way.
Speaker 2: She's not my Remember that time I started banging that
Speaker 2: really hot guy years ago, which one big yeah. Remember
Speaker 2: the time I started banging that really hot guy because
Speaker 2: he had the puppy. The only reason I met him
Speaker 2: was he was the hot guy that used to walk
Speaker 2: around Bondeu with a Golden Retriever puppy and I stopped
Speaker 2: like moths still a flame. I couldn't have been the
Speaker 2: only one. He would have had a Monday to Friday
Speaker 2: or rotation. But we stopped to talk about the dog
Speaker 2: and then we end up banging. It's like Kim unique
Speaker 2: to date.
Speaker 1: It happened. Yes, I actually I think we should loan
Speaker 1: Delilah out. We could start a service. I'm not loaning. Know,
Speaker 1: you have to pay, Yeah, you have to pay for us.
Speaker 1: It's a business, Gisha, I'm going to pay for that
Speaker 1: expensive food in that data. Anyway, guys, that is it
Speaker 1: from us. Hey would really love it if you joined
Speaker 1: us on YouTube. We do a lot of work on
Speaker 1: the videos now, and we're getting them up so quickly.
Speaker 1: Most of the time we have them up within twenty
Speaker 1: four hours of the episode dropping.
Speaker 2: And I know that other people are like some podcasts
Speaker 2: drop their youtubes at the same time, and I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 2: they're recorded three weeks in advance, and we're not.
Speaker 1: Joe Rogan. We record like sixteen hours in advance to
Speaker 1: when we drop the episodes. So there's just a little
Speaker 1: bit of extra work that goes on into the videos,
Speaker 1: but I'm really loving it and I would love it
Speaker 1: if you could just hit subscribe to crib follow me fab.
Speaker 1: We're trying to grow it, you know. I'm really, really
Speaker 1: bloody enjoying it myself. So it's a you tube.
Speaker 2: Yeah, don't forget to mum too, Dad, tad of Tony
Speaker 2: friends and share the love because we love love