WEBVTT - Live Show Diaries - Ellidy Pullin 0:00:09.680 --> 0:00:11.879 Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life 0:00:11.880 --> 0:00:13.960 on Card. I'm producer Keisha and I hope that you 0:00:14.000 --> 0:00:16.680 are having such an unreal summer you've been able to 0:00:16.800 --> 0:00:18.759 kick the feed up, take some time off. 0:00:19.280 --> 0:00:21.960 Perhaps you're listening from the other hemisphere, so it might 0:00:22.000 --> 0:00:22.919 be winter for you. 0:00:23.520 --> 0:00:26.320 Britain Laura are taking some very well deserved time off 0:00:26.360 --> 0:00:28.760 over the summer, and so usually over the summer break 0:00:28.840 --> 0:00:31.160 we bring you what we call some walk down memory lanes, 0:00:31.200 --> 0:00:34.000 so they're flashback episodes to some of our favorite times 0:00:34.360 --> 0:00:35.040 in the past. 0:00:35.520 --> 0:00:38.880 But for this year, we thought, hang on a second. 0:00:39.080 --> 0:00:40.920 Do you know what I think they'd lack a lot 0:00:40.960 --> 0:00:44.000 more is some brand new content, some fresh content that 0:00:44.040 --> 0:00:45.519 they have never heard before. 0:00:46.120 --> 0:00:48.200 So back in October. 0:00:47.720 --> 0:00:51.920 We did seven incredible live shows all across the country. 0:00:52.320 --> 0:00:54.800 We had some of the most amazing people join us 0:00:54.800 --> 0:00:56.880 on stage, and that's what we are going to be 0:00:56.920 --> 0:00:59.360 dropping some of the interviews, some of the conversations that 0:00:59.400 --> 0:01:02.080 Britain Laura have with these guests at some of the 0:01:02.120 --> 0:01:05.319 live shows in their own little standalone episodes, and so 0:01:05.360 --> 0:01:08.480 today's is the very first. It is a conversation that 0:01:08.520 --> 0:01:10.920 we had with someone who you might be familiar with 0:01:11.000 --> 0:01:13.880 because she joined the podcast initially back in February of 0:01:13.920 --> 0:01:14.679 twenty twenty two. 0:01:15.400 --> 0:01:18.160 It is the incredible Eliti pullin Now. 0:01:18.240 --> 0:01:20.399 If you'd like to listen to that episode, I will 0:01:20.440 --> 0:01:22.200 link it in the show notes so that you can 0:01:22.240 --> 0:01:25.119 go back and have a refresh. Because when Eldi first 0:01:25.200 --> 0:01:28.959 joined the podcast, her daughter Minni was a newborn baby. 0:01:29.120 --> 0:01:32.880 She was so small and so delicate and so tiny, 0:01:33.520 --> 0:01:36.000 and at the live show it was actually kind of 0:01:36.040 --> 0:01:40.039 coincidentally Minni's second birthday. Now, Mini was brought into the 0:01:40.040 --> 0:01:42.880 world in a very unusual way. It was through a 0:01:42.920 --> 0:01:47.360 process called sperm retrieval, and that was because Eldi's beautiful partner, 0:01:47.440 --> 0:01:51.880 Chumpy passed away in July of twenty twenty. So this 0:01:52.120 --> 0:01:54.960 conversation is a bit of a catch up between Laura 0:01:55.000 --> 0:01:57.800 Britt and Eldi of where life has taken Elidi since 0:01:57.840 --> 0:02:00.800 they first spoke to her on the podcast. In this episode, 0:02:00.800 --> 0:02:03.240 they talk about it taking a village to raise a child, 0:02:03.440 --> 0:02:07.000 how grief evolves and can take different shapes, how trauma 0:02:07.040 --> 0:02:09.800 dumping can pull you backwards. Elidie really shared a lot 0:02:09.840 --> 0:02:12.520 of what her social presence has meant, you know, in 0:02:12.560 --> 0:02:14.680 the healing of other people, but also in how it 0:02:14.720 --> 0:02:17.960 can kind of hinder her own healings. They also speak 0:02:17.960 --> 0:02:21.520 about how Chumpy is in Minnie's life and the story 0:02:21.560 --> 0:02:24.280 that they tell Minnie about her dad and about all 0:02:24.320 --> 0:02:26.839 of the other people that are involved in bringing her up, 0:02:27.280 --> 0:02:30.480 and whether dating could be on the cards again for Elitie. So, 0:02:30.520 --> 0:02:32.720 I hope you really love this conversation from the live 0:02:32.760 --> 0:02:34.640 show between Britt Laura and Elerdie Pullan. 0:02:35.880 --> 0:02:38.520 Guys, we're up to our last guest of the evening. 0:02:38.720 --> 0:02:42.359 And she's a very very special person, a very special 0:02:42.480 --> 0:02:44.480 friend of the podcast. We've had her on before a 0:02:44.520 --> 0:02:48.360 couple of years ago. She is homegrown, she's a local 0:02:48.360 --> 0:02:54.760 here on the Gold Coast, and three years ago she 0:02:54.960 --> 0:02:58.440 lost her partner, Chumpy, and it was a story that 0:02:58.600 --> 0:03:02.959 really stops you in your tracks. And I know when 0:03:02.960 --> 0:03:07.360 we heard it, I just can't cannot imagine what that 0:03:07.360 --> 0:03:10.680 would be like. She is one of the hosts of 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:14.240 the amazing podcast Darling Shine. She hosts that with Chloe Fisher, 0:03:14.240 --> 0:03:18.440 who's here as well. Who so please give a huge, 0:03:18.639 --> 0:03:19.400 huge welcome. 0:03:20.080 --> 0:03:20.760 Litie pull It. 0:03:25.280 --> 0:03:34.519 Yeah, and you look okay, I'm gonna Rea you want me. 0:03:34.720 --> 0:03:35.720 You're gonna sit on my lap. 0:03:35.840 --> 0:03:39.200 Wow. I mean, the most uncomfortable dress ever. So alloy, 0:03:40.400 --> 0:03:42.040 I'm like, what were we thinking? We're like, oh, how 0:03:42.040 --> 0:03:44.440 do we see it? Wow, there's so many people scary. 0:03:44.840 --> 0:03:46.680 Welcome, Welcome to talcome to the podcast. 0:03:46.680 --> 0:03:50.400 We're going to kick off with an accidentally unfiltered. 0:03:50.240 --> 0:03:52.440 Oh okay, okay, okay. So I was thinking about this before. 0:03:52.440 --> 0:03:53.840 I'm going to stick with the pooh scene. 0:03:54.080 --> 0:03:55.920 Yep, great, right, we do love it? 0:03:57.600 --> 0:04:01.160 Okay, So oh, I've got I don't really remember this story. 0:04:01.200 --> 0:04:02.960 I was like sixteen, Me and my friend were out 0:04:02.960 --> 0:04:04.960 one night. She was trying to hook up with a guy. 0:04:05.040 --> 0:04:07.480 I was like, I'm a great wingman, but I don't 0:04:07.480 --> 0:04:08.040 know about this guy. 0:04:08.080 --> 0:04:09.000 So I'm gonna go home. 0:04:08.800 --> 0:04:11.640 With like you guys and obviously like, yes, it's not 0:04:11.680 --> 0:04:14.080 like a threesome situation. I'm gonna I'm gonna sleep over 0:04:14.120 --> 0:04:16.440 here and you guys have fun over there. And then 0:04:16.480 --> 0:04:18.600 in the morning she had to pooh really badly and 0:04:18.680 --> 0:04:20.120 like clogged the toilet up. 0:04:20.160 --> 0:04:21.560 She must use heaps of. 0:04:21.560 --> 0:04:23.719 Toilet paper, and she was like, oh fuck, like get 0:04:23.760 --> 0:04:26.480 in here, and I was like, what's going on? 0:04:26.520 --> 0:04:28.800 But this is classic heirl, Like she does this shit. 0:04:28.880 --> 0:04:31.720 I'm like, bro, you know not to use that much 0:04:31.760 --> 0:04:35.120 toilet paper, like you fuck. She does this to lots 0:04:35.160 --> 0:04:40.720 of toilets and she's like no, seriously, like we're gonna 0:04:40.720 --> 0:04:42.680 have to pick it up and chuck it out the window. 0:04:42.720 --> 0:04:45.359 I'm like, like, she's done this before. And it was 0:04:45.400 --> 0:04:47.600 like quite a high ware in a unit, quite high. 0:04:47.640 --> 0:04:49.240 I was like, you're gonna hit someone like this is 0:04:49.320 --> 0:04:50.120 kind of you could. 0:04:50.000 --> 0:04:50.719 Knock them out. 0:04:50.960 --> 0:04:52.640 Yeah. So she. 0:04:54.080 --> 0:04:56.599 Got the bag that was in the bin, put the 0:04:56.600 --> 0:04:58.520 poop in the bag, and then we put the poo 0:04:58.920 --> 0:04:59.839 in my hand But. 0:05:02.000 --> 0:05:04.160 You are a good friend, just like. 0:05:04.080 --> 0:05:06.960 Awkwardly like lingering around like his laundry with like a 0:05:07.000 --> 0:05:11.480 pool in my handbag carrying my friend's fucking pooh. 0:05:11.520 --> 0:05:12.720 And then he comes and. 0:05:12.600 --> 0:05:15.960 He's like, oh, yeah, oh, the toilet's like not working 0:05:16.040 --> 0:05:17.720 or something, because she must have left heaps of toilet 0:05:17.760 --> 0:05:21.000 paper still. And they were like oh, just like smelling 0:05:21.080 --> 0:05:23.920 this pool. And then I'm like we have to go. 0:05:24.440 --> 0:05:26.760 It was just so awkward. I was thinking the whole 0:05:26.800 --> 0:05:28.520 time home. I'm like, I just reckon, we should have 0:05:28.560 --> 0:05:29.320 chucked it out of the window. 0:05:29.600 --> 0:05:34.119 How did you know what was in your bag? Pooing out. 0:05:34.360 --> 0:05:36.360 It was I pick up my dog's pool all the time, 0:05:36.400 --> 0:05:38.080 and I cleaned my kids pool all the time, and 0:05:38.080 --> 0:05:39.880 I put her dirty nappies in my bags and shit 0:05:40.000 --> 0:05:42.320 like now, I don't even think when you're a. 0:05:42.279 --> 0:05:44.320 Mum, You're like, it's fine, there's a shit in my bag. 0:05:44.480 --> 0:05:45.000 It's okay. 0:05:45.160 --> 0:05:47.920 My friends poo, Like we're both sixteen, and I'm like, 0:05:47.960 --> 0:05:48.560 I don't need. 0:05:48.440 --> 0:05:49.160 To carry you poo. 0:05:49.680 --> 0:05:52.920 She owes she was solid, not in solid poo, but 0:05:52.960 --> 0:05:57.560 like she owes you a solid she owes me mone. Hey, yeah, 0:05:57.760 --> 0:06:00.760 can you for anyone who doesn't know your you're talking 0:06:00.760 --> 0:06:01.159 with stuff. 0:06:01.520 --> 0:06:02.720 Sorry I didn't should cut them off. 0:06:02.720 --> 0:06:05.440 Okay, for anyone who doesn't know your story, which I 0:06:05.440 --> 0:06:08.480 know most people here have heard parts of it or 0:06:08.520 --> 0:06:10.000 most of it, can you give us a little bit 0:06:10.040 --> 0:06:13.800 of an overview of what happened and how you came 0:06:13.839 --> 0:06:15.400 to have your beautiful little girl. 0:06:15.640 --> 0:06:18.320 Yeah, okay, so weird story. I can't even believe it's 0:06:18.320 --> 0:06:20.480 still true. Like yeah, just every. 0:06:20.400 --> 0:06:21.440 Day I'm like, what the fuck? 0:06:22.360 --> 0:06:24.800 So my partner and me we were together for like 0:06:25.760 --> 0:06:27.800 eight yeah, like eight and a bit years. We're trying 0:06:27.839 --> 0:06:30.719 for a baby. We just got like our new house, 0:06:30.839 --> 0:06:35.040 dream house, got a dog, all that jazz like frothing 0:06:35.080 --> 0:06:36.760 to have a kid, like good way to fall pregnant. 0:06:37.120 --> 0:06:39.760 And then one day he went out spearfishing and didn't 0:06:39.800 --> 0:06:42.120 come home. Essentially, he just passed out under the ocean 0:06:42.160 --> 0:06:45.560 and he died. He had a shallow water blackout, which 0:06:45.600 --> 0:06:47.040 is like when you hold your breath for too long 0:06:47.080 --> 0:06:49.159 and you just like, I don't know, I liked. I 0:06:49.160 --> 0:06:52.760 think he just went to sleep under the water and yeah, 0:06:52.800 --> 0:06:54.279 so he just like walked out the door that. 0:06:54.320 --> 0:06:55.240 Day and never came home. 0:06:55.640 --> 0:06:58.479 Anyway, My really amazing friend Laura, who's actually in the 0:06:58.480 --> 0:07:00.960 crowd here somewhere tonight, but like I'm gonna freak out 0:07:01.000 --> 0:07:02.839 if I see their faces, I'll get really nervous. 0:07:03.120 --> 0:07:07.120 But she came up, Yes, Laura, where are you? 0:07:07.640 --> 0:07:10.560 And actually we also met at her party too, so 0:07:10.560 --> 0:07:12.680 I feel like she just plays the most pivotal role 0:07:12.720 --> 0:07:14.280 in my life. 0:07:14.960 --> 0:07:18.200 We bit where was I up to? 0:07:18.960 --> 0:07:20.200 Laura? 0:07:20.480 --> 0:07:22.240 She came up with like a light bulb moment. She 0:07:22.320 --> 0:07:23.880 was like, I know you can do this thing called 0:07:23.920 --> 0:07:26.920 sperm retrieval. I know someone that did it or something. 0:07:26.960 --> 0:07:29.560 I'm like, what the fuck does that even mean? But yeah, 0:07:29.640 --> 0:07:32.680 let's do that thing, you know, so weird. We're in 0:07:32.840 --> 0:07:34.680 such state of shock. We didn't even know what was 0:07:34.680 --> 0:07:36.559 going on. We were literally floating. Me and his family 0:07:36.560 --> 0:07:38.680 were just like what what is the world, Like, We've 0:07:38.680 --> 0:07:40.160 just found out that jumps passed away? 0:07:40.840 --> 0:07:42.920 You know, like what is life? 0:07:43.040 --> 0:07:45.520 How long after is this? Are we talking hours? 0:07:46.200 --> 0:07:49.520 Or yeah so lately or yeah, like thirty five or 0:07:49.520 --> 0:07:50.640 six hours or something like that. 0:07:50.680 --> 0:07:51.960 I think it can last up to a. 0:07:51.880 --> 0:07:53.720 Few days, but like legally you have to get it 0:07:53.760 --> 0:07:55.720 in a certain amount of time, so there's like a 0:07:55.760 --> 0:07:58.840 procedure that they do and they harvest the sperm and 0:07:58.880 --> 0:08:00.920 then yeah, I guess on down the track, if you 0:08:00.960 --> 0:08:03.080 want to use it to have a baby, you can 0:08:03.280 --> 0:08:07.920 so with like his parents consent and all that, I 0:08:07.960 --> 0:08:08.640 had a little. 0:08:08.400 --> 0:08:10.920 Bubby and yeah she's too today. Actually weird. 0:08:13.920 --> 0:08:17.200 Happy birthday, Minni, if you're out there, Happy birthday Mini Moo. 0:08:17.720 --> 0:08:20.840 When we first interviewed you on the podcast, Minnie was 0:08:20.840 --> 0:08:24.560 a newborn baby. She was so tiny, she was so tiny. 0:08:24.640 --> 0:08:25.240 She was in there. 0:08:25.280 --> 0:08:28.240 We were doing it in Brits in her lunge room. 0:08:28.680 --> 0:08:32.320 Minnie was being held by producer Key Sha and you 0:08:32.360 --> 0:08:35.200 were a brand new mum and you were navigating what 0:08:35.240 --> 0:08:37.920 that is but on your own. And the thing that 0:08:37.960 --> 0:08:40.320 I think has been so beautiful about watching from Afar 0:08:40.480 --> 0:08:43.480 and watching your parenting experience is that it hasn't been 0:08:43.520 --> 0:08:46.120 on its own because you've had and built such an 0:08:46.160 --> 0:08:48.880 incredible community around you. Can you tell us a little 0:08:48.880 --> 0:08:51.160 bit about what that village has been like and how 0:08:51.760 --> 0:08:53.760 even though you're a single mum, you've been doing it 0:08:53.760 --> 0:08:55.120 with all of your closest people. 0:08:55.520 --> 0:08:58.000 Yeah, Like that phrase it takes a village has just 0:08:58.040 --> 0:09:01.400 never been more profound, like or just like been more 0:09:01.480 --> 0:09:04.520 real to me. Like literally, I have the most amazing 0:09:04.559 --> 0:09:06.800 people around me. And I kind of knew that I 0:09:06.840 --> 0:09:08.760 would because Trump and I have really close friends and 0:09:08.840 --> 0:09:12.320 just just like family like friends. 0:09:12.400 --> 0:09:15.720 But I don't think I realized how crazy it would 0:09:15.720 --> 0:09:16.839 be bringing up a child alone. 0:09:16.880 --> 0:09:20.640 And I like power to amazing women that go through it, 0:09:20.679 --> 0:09:22.720 you know, with the sperm donor and have kids like 0:09:22.800 --> 0:09:25.920 on their own, just you know, And I obviously I 0:09:25.960 --> 0:09:27.839 did that. I made that choice to go and do that, 0:09:28.400 --> 0:09:31.640 but I felt like I'll have epic support, but I 0:09:31.760 --> 0:09:36.200 underestimated like just how epic. So I've got like my 0:09:36.200 --> 0:09:38.120 best friend Chloe that I do the podcast with like 0:09:38.200 --> 0:09:41.439 you just said, and her amazing partner Fisher, who literally 0:09:41.559 --> 0:09:48.400 are woo. Some Fisher fans clothes here too, and they 0:09:48.440 --> 0:09:52.520 are like, literally, I like my poor kids definitely confused, 0:09:52.559 --> 0:09:54.439 Like she actually calls them both mom and dad as well. 0:09:54.880 --> 0:09:58.079 She like me, just has so many parents. Like all 0:09:58.120 --> 0:10:00.320 my friends literally act like her mum dad. 0:10:00.400 --> 0:10:01.199 It's so cute, and. 0:10:01.160 --> 0:10:04.760 My brother's superhands on and my mom's amazing, Like it's 0:10:04.760 --> 0:10:10.400 brought everyone sew together and like my yeah, like just yeah, 0:10:10.400 --> 0:10:12.720 my mum was so down and depressed and like Minni's 0:10:12.720 --> 0:10:14.439 just made her smile again and it's so cute. 0:10:14.600 --> 0:10:16.720 Was there ever a time, just going back to the 0:10:16.760 --> 0:10:19.600 sperm retrieval, was there ever a moment because when you say, 0:10:19.640 --> 0:10:21.360 it happened so quickly and you have to make these 0:10:21.400 --> 0:10:24.679 decisions in life that are almost instantaneous. Was there ever 0:10:24.679 --> 0:10:27.199 a moment where you thought maybe I won't do that. 0:10:27.400 --> 0:10:28.679 Were you wrestling with it at all? 0:10:28.840 --> 0:10:31.240 Or when you found out that was an opportunity, were 0:10:31.240 --> 0:10:32.520 you like, I'm fucking doing this. 0:10:33.320 --> 0:10:37.120 So the sperm retrieval like question when when we were 0:10:37.160 --> 0:10:39.360 like you know, when we just foun out he passed, 0:10:39.360 --> 0:10:40.560 that was like a no brain. 0:10:40.640 --> 0:10:41.800 We were like that sounds. 0:10:41.559 --> 0:10:44.000 So weird, but like okay, like all right, like our 0:10:44.040 --> 0:10:45.240 brains would just so vacant. 0:10:45.600 --> 0:10:47.360 But I don't even know if you asked that. Actually. 0:10:47.440 --> 0:10:51.559 But then later on when we I literally didn't think, 0:10:51.760 --> 0:10:53.600 like I was so numb. I literally it took me 0:10:53.640 --> 0:10:55.640 months to even form a tear. I didn't even know 0:10:55.679 --> 0:10:58.040 what was going on. Like I cry now more than ever, 0:10:58.080 --> 0:11:00.560 but back then, I was just like, well, like, you know, 0:11:00.720 --> 0:11:02.600 everyone else around me was crying, and I was like, cool, 0:11:02.640 --> 0:11:05.400 you're literally carrying me and you're crying for me. I 0:11:05.480 --> 0:11:08.000 felt nothing. It was actually an awful feeling because I 0:11:08.040 --> 0:11:10.560 was just like this shell and I wasn't thinking about 0:11:10.600 --> 0:11:13.720 a baby at all. It actually really wasn't in my head. 0:11:13.720 --> 0:11:17.600 It happened like overnight. I reckon like five or six 0:11:17.640 --> 0:11:20.360 months later, I was like I kind of just woke 0:11:20.440 --> 0:11:24.280 up feeling super strong and like I was like, I've 0:11:24.320 --> 0:11:26.720 got to explore this. I've got to book an appointment 0:11:26.760 --> 0:11:28.760 at least hear from the doctor and see what the 0:11:28.800 --> 0:11:31.760 possibilities are and how like vible the sperm is and 0:11:31.800 --> 0:11:34.280 if this is like if this thing could really work, 0:11:34.320 --> 0:11:37.640 like I actually don't think I thought it was real, 0:11:37.760 --> 0:11:39.840 or that it would actually could actually work. 0:11:39.880 --> 0:11:40.080 You know. 0:11:40.679 --> 0:11:42.080 I was like, fuck, I better try it out. If 0:11:42.120 --> 0:11:44.520 it happens, it happens like that's meant to be. 0:11:45.200 --> 0:11:47.280 And it happened god pretty quickly. 0:11:47.600 --> 0:11:48.080 Yeah. 0:11:48.160 --> 0:11:48.400 Yeah. 0:11:48.480 --> 0:11:50.600 So then I started the IVF process and the first 0:11:50.679 --> 0:11:52.480 round didn't work. In the second round, I got minimum. 0:11:52.559 --> 0:11:55.000 So I'm so lucky because obviously. 0:11:54.880 --> 0:12:03.400 Whoo, something you just said I think was really interesting 0:12:03.559 --> 0:12:04.920 to me. But I think it's going to intrigue a 0:12:04.960 --> 0:12:07.760 lot of people, and it's the idea around grief and 0:12:07.800 --> 0:12:10.280 what grief should look like. Because you said for six 0:12:10.320 --> 0:12:13.280 months you didn't even cry, you just got on with life. 0:12:14.480 --> 0:12:17.760 Why do you think that that was a subconscious or 0:12:17.800 --> 0:12:21.120 a conscious thought or just a protection mechanism that you 0:12:21.160 --> 0:12:26.679 were like, if I cry and grief, it's real, and 0:12:26.720 --> 0:12:29.720 it's easier just to pretend, not pretend like it didn't happen, 0:12:29.720 --> 0:12:32.360 because obviously you can't do that, but just to motor 0:12:32.440 --> 0:12:35.320 on with life and then all of a sudden it 0:12:35.360 --> 0:12:37.199 just hits you like a snowball. 0:12:37.400 --> 0:12:39.480 Yeah. I think I was so nervous. 0:12:39.520 --> 0:12:43.120 I was like, why am I not feeling anything? Like 0:12:43.200 --> 0:12:45.080 it's about to hit me like a bus, and I 0:12:45.160 --> 0:12:47.840 feel like I seriously might die, like I'm so nervous 0:12:47.840 --> 0:12:50.480 for when this wave of grief happens. And thank god, 0:12:50.480 --> 0:12:54.120 it just started coming in like slowly, like like little 0:12:54.120 --> 0:12:56.400 waves of it would just come. Thank god, it wasn't 0:12:56.440 --> 0:13:00.000 like a bus. But it was the weirdest thing because 0:13:00.800 --> 0:13:03.520 I won't I wanted to cry because it feels good 0:13:03.559 --> 0:13:05.600 to cry right like you're letting it out. I just 0:13:05.600 --> 0:13:08.959 feels so good. But like, so yeah, i'd be out 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:11.320 with I just kept so busy. I was just like 0:13:11.320 --> 0:13:14.880 I'm quite a realistic, practical person, so I'd be like, cool, well, 0:13:14.920 --> 0:13:17.040 I still need to walk my dog every day, I 0:13:17.040 --> 0:13:18.800 still need to get my coffee, I still need to eat, 0:13:18.800 --> 0:13:21.200 I still need to do shit. Like I just kept 0:13:21.240 --> 0:13:24.480 going and I just stayed so busy, which yeah, is 0:13:24.559 --> 0:13:27.200 kind of weird, but I think that was my coping mechanism. 0:13:27.280 --> 0:13:28.360 But then I'd be with like my. 0:13:28.320 --> 0:13:31.160 Friends and I'd catch myself laughing and I'd feel so 0:13:31.280 --> 0:13:34.480 guilty and I'd be like, that's like, it's like, how 0:13:34.520 --> 0:13:37.920 can I be smiling. He's like literally like not breathing 0:13:38.040 --> 0:13:40.640 right now, like he's like you know, and I'm fucking 0:13:40.800 --> 0:13:42.760 laughing and. 0:13:43.679 --> 0:13:47.600 It's we'll do the interview from over here now. 0:13:48.360 --> 0:13:50.640 No, no, sweet, Wow, I didn't know I was gonna cry. 0:13:51.240 --> 0:13:53.000 It's been an emotional day, I think because she's like 0:13:53.040 --> 0:13:56.280 to today and all that nice sweet but so. 0:13:57.920 --> 0:13:58.800 That's that great. 0:14:00.160 --> 0:14:00.400 Away. 0:14:00.840 --> 0:14:02.440 We just felt a little baby wave. 0:14:03.080 --> 0:14:04.320 Nah. 0:14:04.480 --> 0:14:07.520 But yeah, I think I think you just feel there's 0:14:07.559 --> 0:14:10.960 like so many times you feel guilty. So laughing was 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:13.480 scary and then I just I laugh all the time. 0:14:13.520 --> 0:14:15.520 Now if I can don't stop laughing, it's like annoying. 0:14:15.559 --> 0:14:18.280 Go one of those No, it's great, like be hey, 0:14:20.440 --> 0:14:21.920 I mean I was about to say, how do you 0:14:21.920 --> 0:14:24.360 feel like your grief has changed over the three y 0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:28.400 period from then to now? But obviously, like you just 0:14:28.400 --> 0:14:30.280 saw now, you don't even expect it, so it still 0:14:30.360 --> 0:14:32.120 hits you in these unexpected moments. 0:14:32.600 --> 0:14:34.760 Yeah, one hundred percent hits me probably more now that 0:14:35.400 --> 0:14:37.000 than ever like it did before. 0:14:37.040 --> 0:14:38.520 I think maybe like I'm. 0:14:38.360 --> 0:14:40.920 Over the whole newborn phase which kept me super busy, 0:14:41.040 --> 0:14:43.520 Like she's two now she's a real person. I'm kind 0:14:43.520 --> 0:14:47.280 of like back to normal just everything, and like I 0:14:47.280 --> 0:14:50.240 feel so grounded and like, I mean, I don't know, 0:14:50.320 --> 0:14:51.600 I don't know how to explain it. 0:14:51.640 --> 0:14:53.720 But it's like the dust is settled and shit, and. 0:14:53.680 --> 0:14:56.880 Like obviously everyone else's life goes on, which is like 0:14:57.000 --> 0:15:00.680 normal and and mine obviously has, but yet it's like weird. 0:15:00.720 --> 0:15:03.720 I just like find myself so much more grafy now, 0:15:04.320 --> 0:15:06.960 and you like, the main thing people tell you when 0:15:06.960 --> 0:15:09.480 you go through this shit is like it takes time, 0:15:09.560 --> 0:15:11.560 Like you'll be sweet in like two years and shit 0:15:11.680 --> 0:15:13.920 like that. And I'm like, fuck, it's been three years, 0:15:13.920 --> 0:15:17.200 and I'm like, I'm sweet, but sometimes I'm not sweet. 0:15:17.320 --> 0:15:20.800 And I definitely thought I don't know, so like I 0:15:20.800 --> 0:15:22.360 thought it'd be way more sweet than I am. I 0:15:22.400 --> 0:15:25.760 actually get so emotional, but it's normal. We'll just be 0:15:25.800 --> 0:15:28.000 emotional forever. It's kind of it's good to let. 0:15:27.880 --> 0:15:31.920 It out in front of the nine hundred people. Do 0:15:31.280 --> 0:15:32.800 you think do you feel like we have to go 0:15:32.840 --> 0:15:34.160 over there? I feel like we're on top of that. 0:15:36.120 --> 0:15:37.160 I actually get closer. 0:15:37.600 --> 0:15:42.320 I think anyone who's I mean, any mums men knows how. 0:15:42.240 --> 0:15:43.560 Much having color blocking. 0:15:43.640 --> 0:15:47.480 Sorry, we're like a pack of skittles. We are skittles. 0:15:47.760 --> 0:15:48.080 Sorry. 0:15:48.080 --> 0:15:51.160 So I feel like anyone who has children experiences this 0:15:51.360 --> 0:15:54.480 like identity shift, and they experience such a change because 0:15:54.680 --> 0:15:58.200 I mean, becoming a mum is it's such a huge 0:15:58.200 --> 0:16:01.160 transformation that you go through. But when you're going through 0:16:01.200 --> 0:16:04.840 that alongside grief, I can only imagine how that changes 0:16:05.240 --> 0:16:09.760 you in unexpected ways as well. What has been do 0:16:09.800 --> 0:16:12.160 you find the biggest impact that having Minnia has had 0:16:12.200 --> 0:16:12.400 for you? 0:16:14.120 --> 0:16:17.280 I think just keeping me so present and so busy, 0:16:17.360 --> 0:16:19.640 like I think lot, Like I have so many people 0:16:19.680 --> 0:16:21.480 that are like, you do too much, slow down, Like 0:16:21.920 --> 0:16:24.080 it's not normal how much you do, Like you need 0:16:24.120 --> 0:16:26.400 to fucking stop and be sad and fall into a 0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:29.920 heap and like that will be therapy for you and shit, 0:16:30.320 --> 0:16:33.840 And I sometimes feel guilty that I haven't really done that. 0:16:36.000 --> 0:16:37.680 But yeah, I don't know. I always say I grieve 0:16:37.720 --> 0:16:39.320 on the go and I just stay busy. 0:16:39.320 --> 0:16:41.320 I mean, Mini keeps me busy, like you can't just 0:16:41.480 --> 0:16:43.560 chill when you have a too well yeah, when you 0:16:43.600 --> 0:16:45.920 have a kid, but but no, I think just like 0:16:46.320 --> 0:16:51.000 keeping me present and I don't know, just like I 0:16:51.240 --> 0:16:53.520 honestly barely remember being a kid, Like you know. 0:16:53.480 --> 0:16:55.480 When people like I remember my first memory, I was 0:16:55.520 --> 0:16:56.360 like till. 0:16:56.240 --> 0:16:58.120 I remember, like you know, I'm like what, I don't 0:16:58.120 --> 0:17:00.640 remember anything before I was like fucking ten I sweat 0:17:01.080 --> 0:17:04.720 like dead said, I don't remember anything, like in general, 0:17:04.760 --> 0:17:07.639 but like I really don't have any memories. So I 0:17:07.720 --> 0:17:11.040 love that I'm kind of like experiencing her childhood and 0:17:11.119 --> 0:17:14.000 like I feel like I can remember bits from mine Weirdly, again, 0:17:14.080 --> 0:17:17.240 it's like deja Vou's happening or something, or Yeah, it's 0:17:17.280 --> 0:17:18.960 just cute seeing the world through her eyes. You know 0:17:19.720 --> 0:17:23.560 how you share your beautiful podcast Darling Shine with Chloe, 0:17:23.840 --> 0:17:26.920 and the two of you have created something so incredibly 0:17:27.000 --> 0:17:29.480 special and it's something that we, I mean, we feel 0:17:29.520 --> 0:17:31.440 so proud of being a part of this podcasting world 0:17:31.480 --> 0:17:33.720 where we get to share stories and connect with all 0:17:33.760 --> 0:17:36.240 of you. And that's exactly what you have created with 0:17:36.359 --> 0:17:39.840 Darling Shine and your community, and you've connected through your 0:17:39.880 --> 0:17:42.880 own unique stories and both of them have been centered 0:17:42.920 --> 0:17:45.800 in their own unique way around grief. How do you 0:17:46.480 --> 0:17:50.159 deal with when you are experiencing your own grief, when 0:17:50.160 --> 0:17:53.640 you're going through your own big things that everybody wants 0:17:53.640 --> 0:17:55.800 to then share what they've experienced, because I feel like 0:17:55.840 --> 0:17:58.920 when you've got a big community like that, someone's connected 0:17:58.920 --> 0:18:01.199 with you because you've experienced it, and then they go, well, 0:18:01.200 --> 0:18:02.920 I want to share with you my story, So all 0:18:03.000 --> 0:18:05.720 day long, it's almost like this trauma dumping that happens. 0:18:06.440 --> 0:18:07.960 Is that not hard for you? 0:18:08.040 --> 0:18:10.080 Do you not have moments where you're like, I'm dealing 0:18:10.119 --> 0:18:12.320 with my own shit and I don't have time for 0:18:12.400 --> 0:18:13.240 yours right now? 0:18:13.600 --> 0:18:15.280