1 00:00:00,680 --> 00:00:04,640 Speaker 1: Picture this. It's thirty six degrees at Chatston Shopping Center 2 00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:07,840 Speaker 1: and I am in a terrible mood and my friend 3 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:12,640 Speaker 1: says five words that completely transform my day. What happened 4 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:15,480 Speaker 1: to me in this trip taught me a powerful lesson 5 00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:19,520 Speaker 1: about honesty, awkward situations, and why we are all experts 6 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:24,360 Speaker 1: at ignoring the obvious, especially at work. So today I'm 7 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:27,520 Speaker 1: going to share with you a simple communication technique that 8 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:31,680 Speaker 1: can instantly diffuse tension and workplace drama and make even 9 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:36,479 Speaker 1: the most uncomfortable conversations bearable. It might just be the 10 00:00:36,479 --> 00:00:45,560 Speaker 1: most underrated superpower you're not using. Welcome to How I Work, 11 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:49,960 Speaker 1: a show about habits, rituals, and strategies for optimizing your day. 12 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:54,240 Speaker 1: I'm your host, Doctor Amantha imber So. A few weeks ago, 13 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:56,160 Speaker 1: I promised a close friend to go with her to 14 00:00:56,240 --> 00:01:01,360 Speaker 1: Chatston Shopping Center on a Sunday. Is unfamiliar with the 15 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:05,160 Speaker 1: retail labyrinth that is Chatty. Imagine if someone took every 16 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:08,039 Speaker 1: shop in Melbourne, stuffed them into a giant pressure cooker, 17 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:11,920 Speaker 1: added a generous sprinkle of hengry children, and topped it 18 00:01:11,959 --> 00:01:15,360 Speaker 1: with a parking system designed by a supervillain who failed 19 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:18,480 Speaker 1: architecture school. Oh and on this day it was also 20 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:23,720 Speaker 1: thirty six degrees. Now I brought with me a mood 21 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:28,920 Speaker 1: that could only be described as Melbourne hipster meets instant coffee. 22 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:33,119 Speaker 1: I'd spent hours staring at my computer screen that morning, 23 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:36,480 Speaker 1: trying to make progress on a writing project that was 24 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:41,280 Speaker 1: simply refusing to cooperate. I tried to hide my mood. 25 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:45,839 Speaker 1: The reality was I failed spectacularly. And that is when 26 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:49,840 Speaker 1: my friend, bless her truth telling soul, hit me with Amantha, 27 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:55,440 Speaker 1: you seem off. My first thought was, ah, has she 28 00:01:55,520 --> 00:02:00,680 Speaker 1: broken the sacred social contract of pretending everything's fine? My 29 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:03,520 Speaker 1: second thought, all right, this is the friend who once 30 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,920 Speaker 1: told me that my new haircut made me look like 31 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:09,720 Speaker 1: I'd take an inspiration from a YouTube tutorial titled how 32 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:13,000 Speaker 1: to cut your own hair, not clickbait. Honesty is how 33 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:17,400 Speaker 1: kind of thing. So I admitted it. Yes, I was 34 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:20,160 Speaker 1: being about as pleasant as a paper cut. Yes, my 35 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:22,560 Speaker 1: morning had been as productive as trying to teach a 36 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,920 Speaker 1: cat to fetch, And yes I knew I could have canceled, 37 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:30,520 Speaker 1: but my anti flakiness programming runs very deep in my DNA. 38 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:38,040 Speaker 1: And then, like magic or basic human psychology, the cloud lifted, 39 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:43,200 Speaker 1: being called out for being grumpy mcgrump face actually made 40 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:50,000 Speaker 1: me less grumpy at work. We have mastered the art 41 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:53,600 Speaker 1: of pretending to ignore the obvious. We sit in meetings 42 00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:58,640 Speaker 1: where eye rolling is visible from space, where tension between 43 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,160 Speaker 1: teams is thick enough to cut with a knife, and 44 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:04,359 Speaker 1: what do we do? We save it all for later, 45 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:08,079 Speaker 1: buried in carefully worded slack messages with just the right 46 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:13,040 Speaker 1: amount of passive aggressive emojis. But what if instead of 47 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:16,760 Speaker 1: this elaborate dance of denial, someone just said, Hey, I'm 48 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:20,760 Speaker 1: noticing some tension here, shall we talk about it. You 49 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:24,000 Speaker 1: might be familiar with the Feeling's wheel, something I've written 50 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:28,040 Speaker 1: about before, where it's a wheel that lists out, gosh, 51 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,799 Speaker 1: about one hundred different feelings and it's really great for 52 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,760 Speaker 1: identifying in the moment what are we actually feeling and 53 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,680 Speaker 1: putting a name to it. So you can think about 54 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:43,160 Speaker 1: this strategy as its extroverted cousin. Instead of naming just 55 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,440 Speaker 1: your own emotions, you're naming the elephant in the room. 56 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:51,520 Speaker 1: The beautiful thing about naming what's happening is it's like 57 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:55,640 Speaker 1: popping a balloon full of awkwardness. Sure, there's a brief 58 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,920 Speaker 1: moment of oh God, somebody actually said it, but then 59 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:03,120 Speaker 1: comes the relief. It's like finally admitting to everyone that, yes, 60 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,280 Speaker 1: we can all smell the fish someone microwave for lunch 61 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,640 Speaker 1: and know we're not okay with it. So here's my 62 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:13,240 Speaker 1: challenge to you. Next time you're in a situation where 63 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 1: the unspoken is louder than what's being said, be the 64 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:21,839 Speaker 1: person who names it. Be my friend at chatty. Just 65 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,760 Speaker 1: maybe pick a better location than a crowded shopping center 66 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:28,160 Speaker 1: in the middle of summer, because some revelations are better 67 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:32,080 Speaker 1: had with air conditioning and a convenient car park. If 68 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:34,880 Speaker 1: you like today's show, make sure you hit follow on 69 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,320 Speaker 1: your podcast app to be alerted when new episodes dropped. 70 00:04:38,839 --> 00:04:41,359 Speaker 1: How I Work was recorded on the traditional land of 71 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,479 Speaker 1: the Warrangery people, part of the Cooler Nation. A big 72 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:46,839 Speaker 1: thank you to Martinimmer for doing the sound mix.