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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.

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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just.

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Speaker 1: On answers Now Gooday. This is doctor Justin Coulson. I'm

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Speaker 1: the parenting expert on Channel nine's Parental Guidance and the

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Speaker 1: founder of Happy Families dot com Dot you. Thanks so

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Speaker 1: much for joining me on this holiday edition of the

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Speaker 1: Happy Families Podcast. Today a conversation with Alfie Kohne. He's

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Speaker 1: one of our favorites on the podcast. He's one of

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Speaker 1: my favorite authors. He wrote the book Punished by Rewards.

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Speaker 1: He's also written the homework myth The schools Our Children Deserve,

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Speaker 1: Unconditional Parenting, the Myth of the Spoiled Child, Feel Bad Education,

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Speaker 1: No Contest, and a whole lot of other books. They're

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Speaker 1: all on my bookshelf. I've read them all. He is

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Speaker 1: just wonderful to listen to, wonderful to read. And I

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Speaker 1: asked Alfie in episode number one hundred and thirty seven

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Speaker 1: of the Happy Families Podcast how he deals with the

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Speaker 1: child who is acting up and behaving in a challenging way.

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Speaker 2: Talk less, ask more. There's no one size fits all solution.

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Speaker 2: Everything will depend on what's going on in this child's

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Speaker 2: environment and in this child's head. Five different kids who

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Speaker 2: are seen as difficult or troubling or making us go

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Speaker 2: crazy and pushing our buttons, maybe doing it for five

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Speaker 2: completely different reasons, and each of those reasons calls for

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Speaker 2: a different course of action. I mean, this is the

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Speaker 2: thing when I wrote my book Unconditional Parenting, which is

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Speaker 2: get specifically to looking at parenting punished by rewards, also

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Speaker 2: looks at schools and workplaces as well as families. But

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Speaker 2: I had to in the working with section the what

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Speaker 2: do we do instead, you know, break the bad news

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Speaker 2: that I'm not going to give you a magic formula.

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Speaker 2: If a child is acting this way rolling the eyes,

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Speaker 2: because frankly we're saying stuff that deserves an eye rolling,

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Speaker 2: then the problem is not the kid. The problem is

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Speaker 2: with what we have been doing. That we need to rethink,

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Speaker 2: and we need to come to the child and say,

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Speaker 2: I'm really frustrated sometimes by your attitude here, and I

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Speaker 2: want to hear where it's coming from. And then you

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Speaker 2: have to listen for the answer without getting defensive or huffy.

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Speaker 2: And then when there's a particular problem, like we want

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Speaker 2: to get the house clean, I don't know about using

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Speaker 2: a different technique to get the kid's room clean. I mean,

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Speaker 2: it's the kid's room, isn't it. Why would the kid

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Speaker 2: have to keep it up to our standards? In other words,

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Speaker 2: the premise of the question here ought to be called

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Speaker 2: into question. Don't ask how do I get the kid

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Speaker 2: to do X? If I can't use punishments and rewards,

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Speaker 2: begin by asking whether X really needs to be done.

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Speaker 2: But if we're convinced it does, like everybody should pitch

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Speaker 2: in with stuff around dinner, then I would be asking

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Speaker 2: the child, you know what's the problem here? What can

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Speaker 2: be done? What do you think you can do in

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Speaker 2: order to help help things go smoothly? Whenever possible. Kids

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Speaker 2: learn to make good decisions by making decisions, not by

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Speaker 2: following directions.

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Speaker 1: So much wisdom from Alfie Cone you can find a

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Speaker 1: whole lot more in episode number one hundred and thirty seven.

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Speaker 1: I recommend you go back and have a listen. I

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Speaker 1: think you'll love the conversation. It really is outstanding. Your

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Speaker 1: daughter just walked by, eyes glued to her phone, expression unreadable.

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Speaker 1: You ask her to put it down, but she balks.

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Speaker 1: You know it's not good for her, but you're not

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Speaker 1: sure why or how to support better choices. In the

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Speaker 1: webinar pixel perfect I joined with psychologists and teen tech

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Speaker 1: expert Jocelyn Brewer to discuss how to set screen boundaries

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Speaker 1: that work for you and your daughter. Check out pixel

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Speaker 1: perfect now on the Happy Family's webshop. It's the Happy

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Speaker 1: Families Podcast, the podcast for the type or parent who

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Speaker 1: just wants answers Now, Gooday. This is doctor Justin Coulson.

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Speaker 1: The podcast returns for normal programming as of tomorrow. We're

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Speaker 1: going to talk about whether or not we can teach

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Speaker 1: our kids resilience and whether it's worth trying to teach

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Speaker 1: it specifically in schools. Plus later on this week, we'll

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Speaker 1: also be talking about how we teach our kids the

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Speaker 1: skills that they need to navigate life without us, because,

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Speaker 1: let's face it, we're going to be redundant one day.

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Speaker 1: We might as well do our best to get it right.

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Speaker 1: I can't wait for you to join us this week

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Speaker 1: as we get back into the Happy Families Podcast and

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Speaker 1: talk about all the stuff that we're going to make

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Speaker 1: your family happier in the meantime. Though, thank you so

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Speaker 1: much to Justin rule On, our producer of the Happy

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Speaker 1: Families Podcast, and Craig Bruce our executive producer. If you'd

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Speaker 1: like more info about making your family happier, you'll find

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Speaker 1: it at happy families dot com, dot a