Speaker 1: This episode was recorded on cameragle Land.
Speaker 2: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of lifelu Cut.
Speaker 1: I'm Brittany and I'm Laura.
Speaker 2: Today we have a relationship expert on the podcast, but
Speaker 2: she's not just any relationship expert. Her name is Sabrina
Speaker 2: Zohar and she's very well known and very well loved
Speaker 2: for the way she delivers her advice. She's very nobleshit.
Speaker 2: She's very cut to the chase, say the things that
Speaker 2: you need to hear, not the things that you want
Speaker 2: to hear.
Speaker 1: And that's what I love about her.
Speaker 3: The thing about this that I found truly fascinating and
Speaker 3: I really like for anybody who is kind of in
Speaker 3: the throes of dating. We all know it's very very hard,
Speaker 3: but the conversation we have is more around the relationship
Speaker 3: you have with yourself. It's more around how you show
Speaker 3: up in relationships. Relationships don't just happen to you. You
Speaker 3: have agency, you have choice and recognizing the patterns that
Speaker 3: maybe you are playing a pod of in the decisions
Speaker 3: that you're making and the relationships that you're choosing to
Speaker 3: be in.
Speaker 2: Sabrina, Welcome to the podcast.
Speaker 4: Girls. Thank you so much for having.
Speaker 2: Me, Sabrina, we never USDT an episode with that and
Speaker 2: acidently unfiltered, you're embarrassing story, So please tell us what
Speaker 2: you've got.
Speaker 5: Okay, so let's see my most embarrassing story. I'm just
Speaker 5: gonna go ahead and share.
Speaker 4: I think it was.
Speaker 5: Actually this would be probably more embarrassing for them than
Speaker 5: it would be me.
Speaker 4: But I will never forget.
Speaker 5: I was dating this guy many months ago and I
Speaker 5: was like boasting to all of my friends about like
Speaker 5: how amazing this guy is and how great he is,
Speaker 5: and how we've been dating each other for a long time.
Speaker 5: And to my surprise, he used a photo that I
Speaker 5: had taken of him and my dog as the main
Speaker 5: photo for his dating app and had connected with a
Speaker 5: friend of mine. And the only way I found out
Speaker 5: about this was because she recognized the dog. And needless
Speaker 5: to say, that was the last time I ever went
Speaker 5: out with this guy. I was just so pissed off
Speaker 5: and embarrassed. I was like, are you out of all
Speaker 5: the things for me to do, that's the one photo
Speaker 5: you use for your data profile?
Speaker 4: Sweet?
Speaker 3: At least you helped him on his journey, right, You're like,
Speaker 3: here it is, go forth and be better.
Speaker 5: All while sleeping with me still, so I was like,
Speaker 5: I didn't realize it the whole time I was helping
Speaker 5: this person go on and prosper but also still date
Speaker 5: me at the same time.
Speaker 1: Can take a good photo.
Speaker 3: What you've built through Instagram and through your community is
Speaker 3: truly remarkable, and I guess I always find it interesting
Speaker 3: to figure out how you become someone who is the
Speaker 3: advice giver, Like what have you been through in your life?
Speaker 3: That kind of gets you to a point where you're like, Okay,
Speaker 3: I have the answers now because I've lived the life
Speaker 3: and had the realizations what made you get into relationship
Speaker 3: advice in the first place.
Speaker 4: So I kind of fell into this truthfully.
Speaker 5: I had my past life was like I went to
Speaker 5: school for fashion and I have a clothing line. So
Speaker 5: I just kind of was like, Okay, I'll just be
Speaker 5: an entrepreneur. And I started doing podcasts and panels and
Speaker 5: people just reached out to me about coaching for business
Speaker 5: of like, hey, how do you bootstrap? How do you
Speaker 5: start something from nothing? How do you figure this all out?
Speaker 5: And so I was just kind of coaching, and then
Speaker 5: that ended up turning into like life coaching, which turned
Speaker 5: into like relationships stuff. And truthfully, it was when I
Speaker 5: met my partner, and I had started creating content around then,
Speaker 5: and most of the content I started creating was just
Speaker 5: kind of commiserating with like, Hey, this stuff's really fucking tough,
Speaker 5: and no one's.
Speaker 4: Talking about how tough it is.
Speaker 5: We're all just either shaming each other or we're seeing
Speaker 5: these unrealistic relationships. But there really wasn't anything in between.
Speaker 5: And so then when I met my partner and I
Speaker 5: started to implement behavior that was different for me that
Speaker 5: I'd learned in therapy or learned along the way, that
Speaker 5: was completely contrary to the advice that I was receiving online.
Speaker 5: That was just kind of the first indication for me
Speaker 5: of like, no, fuck this, I there's something better out there.
Speaker 5: There's a voice that needs to be heard, and I
Speaker 5: think that's me. Now at the time, did I like
Speaker 5: believe in myself fully?
Speaker 3: Now?
Speaker 5: To me, I was like, oh, come on, who gives
Speaker 5: a shit about me? I'm just some girl and you
Speaker 5: get the trolls that'll remind.
Speaker 4: You of that.
Speaker 5: But what I started to realize was as I was
Speaker 5: implementing a lot of this stuff, I started to see
Speaker 5: my life change and I started to see my relationships change.
Speaker 5: And then as I started working with more people tailoring
Speaker 5: it to this, I started to see like, holy shit,
Speaker 5: there is a method to them madness that I just
Speaker 5: don't think anybody's necessarily articulating in a way that's digestible
Speaker 5: for us to understand, like therapy, terms, neuroscience, all of
Speaker 5: these really interesting different aspects. And that was kind of
Speaker 5: the hole I wanted to fill, was I know, I
Speaker 5: don't know everything, but I know what I know really
Speaker 5: really well, and I understand human psychology. And if we
Speaker 5: actually started to realize how many people like project on
Speaker 5: us and put their shit onto us, then you start
Speaker 5: to realize like, oh, that's why a lot of the
Speaker 5: stating advice doesn't actually resonate and leads you to the
Speaker 5: relationships that you want.
Speaker 2: You speak a lot about self awareness, and you know,
Speaker 2: your journey did start a lot with self awareness. Was
Speaker 2: there a particular moment or relationship where you were like, Oh,
Speaker 2: I'm the problem right now and I'm chasing the wrong thing.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, I married my father.
Speaker 1: I mean that's cost it's illegal.
Speaker 5: Yeah, so dog about that all fun complict? Like I
Speaker 5: married a man that was almost identical to my dad
Speaker 5: in every single way, and it was a relationship that
Speaker 5: literally almost broke me. And by the end of it,
Speaker 5: I was like, yo, dude, you have to be the
Speaker 5: common denominator. And it was also my sis who sat
Speaker 5: me down one day and was like, when will you
Speaker 5: understand you and your anxiety of the fucking problem? And
Speaker 5: I was like, oh, okay, and like, of course at
Speaker 5: the time, I was like, you're such a bitch. I
Speaker 5: can't believe you'd say that. Now I'm like, nah, you
Speaker 5: were right, I understand. But it was really I think,
Speaker 5: you know, Freud has the term repetition compulsion, right, You're
Speaker 5: going to keep dating the parts of you that are
Speaker 5: not healed. You're going to keep dating people that mimic
Speaker 5: the closest mimic to your caregivers, hoping if you can
Speaker 5: work on that, then you're going to be able to
Speaker 5: move on from all the pain in the past. And
Speaker 5: so that was me. I was just kind of continuously
Speaker 5: living in my trauma. And that was the relationship that
Speaker 5: I started therapy after started doing my Kenemy treatments, made
Speaker 5: and child Journey, all of those variables that I started
Speaker 5: to realize, like, you're the common denominator in this whole
Speaker 5: entire thing. And until you start to understand how you
Speaker 5: show up is also going to impact how other people
Speaker 5: show up, then.
Speaker 4: You're just constantly living in this life.
Speaker 5: Of like everything keeps happening to me without realizing like
Speaker 5: it's actually happening for you. We just have to be
Speaker 5: aware enough to see how these things all play together.
Speaker 3: It's interesting you say this because that we talk about
Speaker 3: a lot on this podcast is like patent behavior and
Speaker 3: patent dating in relationships. It's something that I have been
Speaker 3: guilty of myself. It's something that I think Britt has
Speaker 3: also been guilty of. But I think we all do
Speaker 3: this right. We all have like as and when we
Speaker 3: think of like a type, often people think of like
Speaker 3: a physical type, and then they go, I don't have
Speaker 3: a type. By date heats the different types of guys
Speaker 3: that look different. But when you actually start to unpack
Speaker 3: the personality qualities of the person that it is that
Speaker 3: you're choosing, often there is a pattern, and we have
Speaker 3: this repeated behavior and this repeated cycle of relationships over
Speaker 3: and over.
Speaker 4: Oh one hundred percent.
Speaker 5: You know, there's that old saying like the definition of
Speaker 5: insanity is doing the same thing, expecting a different result,
Speaker 5: and it's like, no, that's trauma, right. And so when
Speaker 5: we go after a pattern like I was textbook, Like
Speaker 5: I said, when I said I married my father, it
Speaker 5: was like it was it was eerily creepy how similar
Speaker 5: they were and not just physically, but more so how
Speaker 5: they treated me. And what we have to look at
Speaker 5: is typically speaking, when we start to see like I'm
Speaker 5: not going to call you guys out, but I'm going
Speaker 5: to call you out because if we're eating long distance, right,
Speaker 5: if you have a pattern where you're like I always
Speaker 5: go for these emotionally unavailable people, or I date these
Speaker 5: people that are out of reach, it's like, well, then
Speaker 5: a part of us is also emotionally unavailable, because if
Speaker 5: we're not showing those parts of ourself, well, then we're
Speaker 5: going to continue to mirror what feels unco feels comfortable.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 5: So if I grew up in a household with an
Speaker 5: emotionally unavailable parent and I don't feel like I can
Speaker 5: safely express myself, then that is now how I'm going
Speaker 5: to manifest in my adult relationships. I like to call
Speaker 5: it the bullshit blueprint, and the bullshit blueprint is essentially
Speaker 5: all of those core beliefs and things that were ingrained
Speaker 5: in you as a child, things that you didn't have
Speaker 5: a choice over, you did not get to learn. Who
Speaker 5: taught you how to love yourself, who taught you how
Speaker 5: to communicate? School didn't fucking teach that. I know my
Speaker 5: Polythagrean theorem, but I don't know how to do my taxes.
Speaker 5: So it's like when we stop and kind of strip
Speaker 5: it back and say, where did I learn this behavior from? Okay, well,
Speaker 5: then that's where we create these patterns, because the patterns
Speaker 5: are going to keep you safe. Your brain loves familiarity,
Speaker 5: so it's not trying to learn new things. It's trying
Speaker 5: to just get you through your day as safely as
Speaker 5: you possibly can, which just means to rely on old conditioning.
Speaker 2: Just to be clear, my fiancee is emotionally available. He's
Speaker 2: just not physically here. But I am okay, I am
Speaker 2: very interested in why, and I don't want to blanket statement,
Speaker 2: but women do tend to be hyper attracted to people
Speaker 2: that are emotionally unavailable. It's like it is the biggest
Speaker 2: grain flag for us, even though we obviously know it's
Speaker 2: a red flag. Why do you reckon like as a whole.
Speaker 2: That is such a sexy attribute for someone to have, like, oh,
Speaker 2: fuck ya, he's gonna give me nothing.
Speaker 1: It's like I want to be the exception. It's what
Speaker 1: it is.
Speaker 3: I want this relationship to be the one that he like,
Speaker 3: I'm going to change him and to turn him.
Speaker 5: Yeah, precisely, it's like we want to be chosen, right
Speaker 5: especially typically, see what we see is if you actually
Speaker 5: trail it back, there is some core wound there of
Speaker 5: not feeling chosen, not feeling like a priority, feeling like
Speaker 5: love has to be earned. Because I remember seeing this
Speaker 5: one quote and it was like a girl told her
Speaker 5: friend the guy stopped dating me, and she said, what
Speaker 5: would your response be as a secure person? And the
Speaker 5: girl said, well, here's the issue between the secure versus
Speaker 5: the insecure. The secure person would look and say, I
Speaker 5: know that this person's not for me.
Speaker 4: That's okay.
Speaker 5: There's going to be other people out there and it's
Speaker 5: not about me, And she said, the insecure person, the
Speaker 5: first thing that they think about is what's wrong with me?
Speaker 4: What was I not good enough?
Speaker 5: And so usually what happens when we go after somebody
Speaker 5: that is going to reinstate, they're confirming those core beliefs. See,
Speaker 5: I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy. I want to
Speaker 5: be chosen because if they choose me, Hello, repetition, compulsion.
Speaker 5: If they choose me, then everything from the past will
Speaker 5: no longer feel pain because I could get them. I
Speaker 5: might not have been able to get my mom or dad,
Speaker 5: but I could get them to choose me. And that's
Speaker 5: the perception of control. Oh, all I have to do
Speaker 5: is act like this and then I can get them.
Speaker 5: But then when it's up, happening is your needs aren't met.
Speaker 5: And we're so used to self abandoning, we're not in
Speaker 5: our own bodies, and we're so concerned with what do
Speaker 5: they think of me and what do they want, what
Speaker 5: do they like about me, that we haven't stopped to say, like, well,
Speaker 5: what is it that I need? And are my needs
Speaker 5: satisfied and met here? Because growing up that could actually
Speaker 5: mean that you would lose connection to your caregiver if
Speaker 5: you stop to ask how you were doing, because it
Speaker 5: wasn't about you, it was more so often about them.
Speaker 3: A lot of people when they're going through dating and
Speaker 3: they've had, like you know, a terrible relationship. After terrible relationship,
Speaker 3: often there becomes this light bulb moment where you realize, oh, okay,
Speaker 3: the self awareness hits where you're like, I am a
Speaker 3: common denominator in the choices that I'm making. That happens
Speaker 3: for some people, it absolutely doesn't happen for others. Like
Speaker 3: age and timing is not a guarantee that you're gonna
Speaker 3: have this light bulb moment where you realize that you're
Speaker 3: not just a victim in all of your relationships. How
Speaker 3: can people be more self aware or get to that
Speaker 3: place of nirvana where they go, oh, I see that
Speaker 3: there's a pattern here, and this pattern is affecting my
Speaker 3: life rather than just being passive within relationships and feel
Speaker 3: as though they're happening to them and they don't have
Speaker 3: control over it.
Speaker 4: It's a great question, and it's loaded.
Speaker 5: And what I mean by that is there's a couple
Speaker 5: of there's a little bit of nuance because the reality
Speaker 5: is somebody lacking self awareness that is actually serving them
Speaker 5: a purpose. Right, Because if I don't need to well
Speaker 5: I'm the victim, I get to just perpetually stay.
Speaker 4: In this life.
Speaker 5: I don't have to take accountability and ownership because taking
Speaker 5: accountability and ownership means that you actually have agency and
Speaker 5: choice over life, and for a lot of people, it's
Speaker 5: easier to feel I just don't have any and oftentimes
Speaker 5: like those are the people that's like, that's where therapy
Speaker 5: really starts to come in of working with somebody that
Speaker 5: can actually help you rewire your brain. You know, my
Speaker 5: friend Nicole is a neuroscience. So I don't know if
Speaker 5: you guys know a Nicole's neuroscience. And she was always
Speaker 5: telling me like, it takes three hundred repetitions for your
Speaker 5: body to remember something, but it takes three thousand repetitions
Speaker 5: for your brain to start a new neural pathway. So
Speaker 5: if that takes three thousand times for me to say
Speaker 5: something or remind myself or go towards this, the amount.
Speaker 4: Of people that are like, I don't want to do that, Yeah,
Speaker 4: and I see it every day. I'll create content.
Speaker 5: Let's say about like, instead of ghosting, say this, like,
Speaker 5: let's stop this bullshit culture, let's become better versions of ourself.
Speaker 5: The amount of people that are like ghosting is easier.
Speaker 5: And I said, well, so this is about being easy,
Speaker 5: and so her response was, well, listen, I'm out there.
Speaker 5: I need to make money and I'm running the show
Speaker 5: and I have to take care of everything and I
Speaker 5: don't want to deal with it. And then when I said, okay,
Speaker 5: so you think you're the only person that goes out
Speaker 5: and has to make money, like there's not we don't
Speaker 5: need to have any self awareness to understand how you're
Speaker 5: impacting other people. And her response was, well, I would
Speaker 5: be heartbroken to receive this, So why would I need
Speaker 5: to have somebody else be heartbroken. I don't want to
Speaker 5: deal with this. I don't want to hear something that
Speaker 5: I don't want to hear. And I was like, oh, okay,
Speaker 5: so you're entitled, right, so i'll you can't speak, can't
Speaker 5: say anything because you don't want to hear it. And
Speaker 5: what we see is like we have to remember for
Speaker 5: people to take accountability and ownership of their life, which
Speaker 5: means they would have to take control of their life,
Speaker 5: which means they have to take accountability and ownership, radical
Speaker 5: accountability and ownership of their life. And it's easier to
Speaker 5: stay in the victim mode because in the victim mode
Speaker 5: everything is poor.
Speaker 4: Woe is me?
Speaker 5: See, I don't have control over this, just as my
Speaker 5: bad luck. But that then one you discredit yourself. Two
Speaker 5: you self abandon and three you completely take any power
Speaker 5: away from yourself that you even remotely have because it's easier.
Speaker 4: I'm just gonna say it.
Speaker 5: It's hard to do the work. It's really hard to
Speaker 5: look at yourself and say your fucking part in things.
Speaker 3: But it's also really hard to kind of undo the
Speaker 3: conditioning that we have. Like we live in a world
Speaker 3: of dating now, and I mean it's widely spoken about
Speaker 3: the disposability of it, how easy it is with online
Speaker 3: dating to find a new match and kind of like
Speaker 3: move on from something. And I guess like ghosting now
Speaker 3: is far easier than ghosting back in the well, actually
Speaker 3: maybe not. Maybe ghosting back in the day was like
Speaker 3: I'm not going to call them on the landline, just
Speaker 3: don't answer the phone for all.
Speaker 2: Now you don't show up at the pub at five
Speaker 2: pm on Friday when you.
Speaker 1: Were supposed to.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it was like a real legitimate ghosting, whereas now
Speaker 3: we do things like the soft fade, send a really
Speaker 3: half us text and just like leave people in this
Speaker 3: purgatory of relationships for such a long time. But do
Speaker 3: you think that this kind of like ease of dating
Speaker 3: has increased almost like our ease of everything, our conflict avoidance.
Speaker 3: I guess like the best way maybe describing it is
Speaker 3: like not feel discomfort in relationships so that we just
Speaker 3: can kind of move on to the next thing.
Speaker 5: So the reality is right now, it's like anything the
Speaker 5: casino always wins, right, So like dating apps, they're they're made.
Speaker 5: It's a double edged sword for everything that we have
Speaker 5: the Internet, for all of its positives, we have a
Speaker 5: shit ton of negatives. So me personally, I met my
Speaker 5: partner in a dating app, So I understand, Yes, absolutely,
Speaker 5: there is a lot of really really shitty and toxic
Speaker 5: aspects to dating right now. But really where I think
Speaker 5: it goes back is like it's kind of back to
Speaker 5: that it's easier for me to not have to take
Speaker 5: accountability and do work and I can just bop to
Speaker 5: the next, bop to the next. Now when we actually
Speaker 5: strip things back, because I hear this every time every
Speaker 5: day of like it was easier to date back in
Speaker 5: the day, and it's like it was different. I don't
Speaker 5: know about easier, because here's the reality. Back in the day,
Speaker 5: we didn't have the influx of information we have to
Speaker 5: learn about narcissism and avoidance and attachment styles. You just
Speaker 5: had to marry who was in your proximity and timing. Right,
Speaker 5: I'm twenty two, you're twenty two.
Speaker 4: Let's do this.
Speaker 5: Okay, we went on a few dates, we can get married,
Speaker 5: and then we wonder why we are so many generations
Speaker 5: of divorce, divorce, divorce, not happy.
Speaker 4: This person's doing this now.
Speaker 5: I would hope that we would have more flexibility to
Speaker 5: learn about ourselves and to implement this growth, to not
Speaker 5: have a a societal clock on us as women that
Speaker 5: we have to get married at twenty two and have
Speaker 5: a child. But with that freedom the pendulum, with all
Speaker 5: the good, comes the bad as well. And I think
Speaker 5: a lot of people they do see it as well.
Speaker 5: This is just easier. People are commodities, They're disposable to them.
Speaker 5: I deal with the misogyny every day, the red pill ideology,
Speaker 5: this Manno's fear that's starting to become a thing now
Speaker 5: of just this entitlement, frankly speaking, going around that like
Speaker 5: people are what do I owe you? And it's like
Speaker 5: what you owe somebody is your common fucking decency. And
Speaker 5: I think we've lost the art of just basic respect
Speaker 5: when it comes to how we treat other people. And
Speaker 5: all I can say is if you're out there dating
Speaker 5: and experiencing this. We can't control other people. I try
Speaker 5: every day to create content to help, but what we
Speaker 5: can control is how we show up. And what we
Speaker 5: can't control is our reaction to these emotions and to
Speaker 5: these situations. So yeah, if somebody goes to you, feel it,
Speaker 5: morn it, process it, but also recognize that that's on
Speaker 5: them and that is not a representation of you.
Speaker 4: Easier said than done.
Speaker 5: Sure, choose your hard but when it comes to the
Speaker 5: dating landscape, we have to become better buyers. We have
Speaker 5: to be more cognizant and aware there are a plethora
Speaker 5: of people. We have to understand how we're coming off.
Speaker 5: When I met my partner, I understood that he was
Speaker 5: an attractive guy who probably had a million girls, and
Speaker 5: I had five other guys that I was talking to.
Speaker 4: But I showed up.
Speaker 5: So unapologetically because in my mind, I was like, what
Speaker 5: the fuck do I have to lose? By that authenticity
Speaker 5: and real transparency, I allowed someone else to show up
Speaker 5: like that as well and build a solid foundation.
Speaker 4: It took me. I'm thirty four.
Speaker 5: I met him at thirty two, so it took me
Speaker 5: eighteen years of my adult life to meet someone like that.
Speaker 5: But ultimately it took me eighteen years of my adult
Speaker 5: life to meet myself like that. And that's the issue
Speaker 5: is it's a bunch of people running around saying I
Speaker 5: don't know, I just can't find the right person. Yeah, no,
Speaker 5: that's it. I just can't find the right person. And
Speaker 5: it's like, no, you haven't become the right fucking person.
Speaker 5: That's the problem.
Speaker 3: I love the way that you speak about this in
Speaker 3: such a like, okay, cause it is easier to sit
Speaker 3: being the victim, right, It is easier to be like,
Speaker 3: I keep dating these people, relationships never work out. Dating
Speaker 3: is so hard, he woe is me, but it is.
Speaker 3: It's very cutting. And let me tell you, if I
Speaker 3: was where I was six years ago, having this conversation
Speaker 3: with you right now, I would find the truths very
Speaker 3: hard to digest, because when you're in the thick of
Speaker 3: a very bad relationship where that person has done wrong
Speaker 3: by you and you are a victim by what's going
Speaker 3: on in your circumstance, it's so hard to hear someone
Speaker 3: else tell you, well, actually you kind of brought this
Speaker 3: upon yourself a little bit. But now with like the
Speaker 3: beauty of hindsight. Looking back on those moments, I'm like,
Speaker 3: holy shit, I am the problem, and I am the
Speaker 3: common denominator for people who are and maybe they're having
Speaker 3: this moment of realizing that they've got some sort of
Speaker 3: repetition within their relationship, so there might be some sort
Speaker 3: of like patterns. How do people really identify what those
Speaker 3: patterns look like and go okay, no, no, no, I really
Speaker 3: do have this sort of like blueprint that I'm following.
Speaker 3: Even though it's a different guy or a different person,
Speaker 3: it's the same type of relationship.
Speaker 1: How do we recognize that?
Speaker 5: Oh, good old fashioned paper and a pen. That's what
Speaker 5: I did, was like journaling, activate a different part of
Speaker 5: your brain. So if we can start to literally write
Speaker 5: out like, Okay, what are the experiences.
Speaker 4: I've had in dating?
Speaker 5: So for me, prior to all of this, I was
Speaker 5: meeting a bunch of people who only wanted to sleep
Speaker 5: with me. I wasn't being taken seriously. These guys weren't
Speaker 5: ready for commitment. I kept going, Okay, what was their commonalities?
Speaker 4: They were all?
Speaker 5: I was going after super successful guys. I was going
Speaker 5: after the six or four tattooed guys. Okay, so off
Speaker 5: the bat, I'm going they're all emotionally unavailable. They all
Speaker 5: have the same patterns, And what's my common denounor world?
Speaker 5: What do I keep allowing? And that's a good place
Speaker 5: to start. What do I keep allowing? I keep allowing
Speaker 5: this person to tell me one thing but then do another.
Speaker 5: I keep allowing this person to disrespect my boundaries? What
Speaker 5: are my non negotiables? Are my relationships matching my non negotiables.
Speaker 5: It's really about zooming out and being able to collectively look.
Speaker 5: And this is where this is where self awareness comes in,
Speaker 5: because somebody could zoom out and say I don't not
Speaker 5: choosing these people. I just keep meeting them, and it's like, right,
Speaker 5: how are you showing up? None of this is about
Speaker 5: shame or blame. It's about taking ownership of your life.
Speaker 5: And I would never blame anybody for the situations that
Speaker 5: they're in. But what I will say is I will
Speaker 5: hold you accountable for your part in this so that
Speaker 5: you can grow and heal and move forward.
Speaker 4: That's the only way.
Speaker 5: So starting to understand, look at the commonalities, look at
Speaker 5: the last five people that you've date, and tell me
Speaker 5: what they all share. And then start to see the
Speaker 5: common words that you start to see.
Speaker 1: It is so true.
Speaker 2: It's how many times you say, oh, he keeps doing
Speaker 2: this to me, He's treating me like this as well. Well,
Speaker 2: you are actually letting him the fact that you're still there.
Speaker 2: You're allowing him to go and do that behavior, whatever
Speaker 2: it is, and coming back. You've set those boundaries. Whether
Speaker 2: your boundaries have changed and lapsed or are a bit bendy,
Speaker 2: like maybe you're they're a bit malleable, bit too malleable,
Speaker 2: because you don't want to lose that person. At the
Speaker 2: end of the day, it is up to you as
Speaker 2: an individual to say what you are and aren't okay with.
Speaker 2: But I want to go back to sort of talking
Speaker 2: about when we meet someone. It might be wrong, but
Speaker 2: I sort of love the idea of limerence and that
Speaker 2: feeling of like when you initially meet someone, the deep fascination,
Speaker 2: the obsession, that incredible desire that takes over. How do
Speaker 2: you differentiate between the feeling of limerens being negative or
Speaker 2: love bombing or can it turn into a beautiful, positive relationship?
Speaker 2: Because I feel like when I look back to when
Speaker 2: I met my fiance, I think I was in that
Speaker 2: state like we think we both were but it worked
Speaker 2: out really well. But I think a lot of people
Speaker 2: get confused with this toxicity and love bumming totally.
Speaker 4: And I think there's an aspect.
Speaker 5: It's like, it's like looking at alcohol, right, it's not
Speaker 5: a bad if you have one drink. It's bad if
Speaker 5: you have the if you have three bottles.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 5: So it's like, I think we have to also understand ourselves.
Speaker 5: If you go into something and your thought process and
Speaker 5: you have a mindset of hey, if this works out,
Speaker 5: it works out. If it doesn't, that's okay, right, Like
Speaker 5: if you're walking in saying I can handle this, Oh
Speaker 5: my god, daydream all day.
Speaker 4: I don't really care.
Speaker 5: Where it becomes a problem is when I can't eat,
Speaker 5: i can't sleep, I'm just regulated. Why haven't they called me?
Speaker 5: I'm staring at my phone, what's going on? Where are they?
Speaker 5: That's when it becomes obsessive and you're ruminating and spiraling.
Speaker 5: That's when we have to say this is no longer healthy.
Speaker 5: It's the same with butterflies and the sparks. Does it
Speaker 5: work out if you met your partner and you're like
Speaker 5: I felt sparks on the first date and we're in
Speaker 5: a really healthy relationship. It's like, yeah, Hindsight's twenty twenty.
Speaker 5: That sounds like a great about us story. But more
Speaker 5: often than not, the spark has been studied by Harvard
Speaker 5: and by a million plate people to show that it's
Speaker 5: really just a rush of blood to your extremity so
Speaker 5: that you could run for safety. Actually, I know it's
Speaker 5: crazy if you're like somebody that says, oh, it's fine,
Speaker 5: I could feel the spark, but if it doesn't work out,
Speaker 5: that's okay. It's like, then enjoy yourself. But what happens
Speaker 5: is there are people that don't understand moderation. Right, Oh,
Speaker 5: if I don't feel the spark, I won't give this
Speaker 5: person an opportunity. And you're like, yeah, but you don't
Speaker 5: really know this person, you're not giving them a chance.
Speaker 5: So I think an excertain element of excitement and vulnerability
Speaker 5: and transparency is of course that's dating, right, we want
Speaker 5: it's unknown, it's confusing, it's fun, it's sexy, it's all
Speaker 5: of these things.
Speaker 4: But at the end of the day, do.
Speaker 5: You trust yourself that, no matter what, you'll be okay?
Speaker 5: Do you trust yourself that you will make the best
Speaker 5: decision for yourself no matter what.
Speaker 4: That's what I care about.
Speaker 3: We've spoken a lot about this idea that chemistry can
Speaker 3: lie because I absolutely do. I think people confuse they
Speaker 3: confuse chemistry with being an identifier of a great relationship,
Speaker 3: and I think often, well more sometimes more often than not,
Speaker 3: like really overwhelming, chemistry can be an identifier that maybe
Speaker 3: you'll hang on for dear life when a relationship actually
Speaker 3: is really shit and should have let go of it,
Speaker 3: because you're like, but we have all this chemistry, we're
Speaker 3: supposed to be together. Do you think that often people
Speaker 3: fall in love with or they are clinging onto the
Speaker 3: potential of a relationship where they see it could be
Speaker 3: if only we fix this, if I give them one
Speaker 3: more chance, if I thinkive this one thing, the potential
Speaker 3: of what a relationship could be, rather than who the
Speaker 3: person is and how they're showing up in that relationship.
Speaker 4: One hundred percent.
Speaker 5: I think the pendulum swings between that avoidance and that
Speaker 5: anxious scale between either I leave too quick or I
Speaker 5: stay way too long, right, And it's like we have
Speaker 5: kind of those polarities.
Speaker 4: Between the two. And I think at the end of
Speaker 4: the day, I hear it every day. I hear. I
Speaker 4: hear a lot.
Speaker 5: What really makes what breaks my heart is when anybody
Speaker 5: writes and it's like a very clear paragraph that this
Speaker 5: person is treating you like trash, like this is someone
Speaker 5: who is below breadcrumbing, And then I'll see all of this.
Speaker 4: But I love him, and he's amazing in this.
Speaker 5: Person's and so what I first see is this grave
Speaker 5: disconnect between reality and fantasy. And what I see is, okay, no,
Speaker 5: you're projecting what you'd like him to be.
Speaker 4: I love to know.
Speaker 5: My first thing I'll ask is, I'm like, maybe five
Speaker 5: things that make him these equalities that you just listed,
Speaker 5: And more often than not, I'll get uh uh, well
Speaker 5: in the beginning, it's like that doesn't count. No, no, no, no,
Speaker 5: I didn't ask you in the beginning. How they were
Speaker 5: who they are today? What makes them thoughtful, what makes
Speaker 5: them compassionate, what makes them empathetic?
Speaker 4: What makes them feel like that's your the love of
Speaker 4: your life.
Speaker 5: It's a feeling, but I need facts to back that up,
Speaker 5: that their behavior is actually what we say it is.
Speaker 5: And so I see that kind of either, like I said,
Speaker 5: the pendulum will swing either the minute there's a trigger.
Speaker 5: It's I can't handle this I'm leaving or this like
Speaker 5: people pleasing martyr.
Speaker 4: I'll stay as long.
Speaker 5: As I need because, let's be honest, we got fucked
Speaker 5: as children when you think about like Backstreet Boys and
Speaker 5: in Sync and all of this stuff that they told us,
Speaker 5: And I'm like, you lie to me.
Speaker 1: We're blaming en Sync. All my problems are en Sync.
Speaker 3: But no, I so agree with this idea of like
Speaker 3: the fear of leaving too soon. I think a lot
Speaker 3: of people who is stay is. And there's obviously many
Speaker 3: different types of how people show up in relationships, but
Speaker 3: there are people who stayas who will stay far longer
Speaker 3: for the fear of checking out too early, for the
Speaker 3: fear of but it could have gotten better. So I'm
Speaker 3: gonna just stick it out and stay. And I guess
Speaker 3: like it's really hard for some people to differentiate. Okay,
Speaker 3: when is it time to leave? And we get this
Speaker 3: question that comes in across ask. We do ask and cut,
Speaker 3: and it's like, exactly what you said, this person is
Speaker 3: ideally the person I want to be with. But when
Speaker 3: you actually write it all down and you unpack it,
Speaker 3: you're like, oh, they're actually a terrible person.
Speaker 2: But I think what you need to think about is like,
Speaker 2: let's make this really simple. Somebody's potential in a relationship
Speaker 2: is fiction. It's a story. It's not real, it doesn't
Speaker 2: exist yet. It's a story you have made up in
Speaker 2: your head of what it could potentially look like. It's
Speaker 2: like a finish your own ending on a storybook. You
Speaker 2: do have to sit in the moment and be like, well,
Speaker 2: if they're not showing up now and they haven't shown
Speaker 2: up in the past, I'm spoiler probably not going to
Speaker 2: show up in the future.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah.
Speaker 5: I always like to look at what is not what
Speaker 5: if right, Like what are you actually dealing with?
Speaker 4: Not what if this? I hear that, but what if this?
Speaker 4: And what if this? It's like, here's the thing.
Speaker 5: If it was what if, then you wouldn't have the
Speaker 5: issues I suspect to my mom all the time.
Speaker 4: They'd be like, but but what if he did this?
Speaker 5: And my mom was sa if he did that, we
Speaker 5: wouldn't be having this conversation Sabrina. And it's just about
Speaker 5: having that reality of like, oh shit, yeah, because then
Speaker 5: what I also like to look at is a couple
Speaker 5: of things when we were talking about relationships. One, do
Speaker 5: you see progress?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 5: Do you actually see progress in your relationship. Does this
Speaker 5: person make me feel seen, heard and understood if I
Speaker 5: go to them and express myself, hey, this really bothered me.
Speaker 5: Do they say, hey, thank you for letting me know.
Speaker 5: Can we talk about this? Or do they dismiss me,
Speaker 5: discredit me, bring me down? What's happening in my body?
Speaker 5: How do I feel in my physical body when I'm
Speaker 5: with this person? Am I always feeling disregulated? Do I
Speaker 5: feel like I never know if they're gonna leave me? Right?
Speaker 5: We see, especially with like that limerence and attachment, the
Speaker 5: grave difference between when you're with them and when you're not.
Speaker 5: When you're with them, oh my god, everything's amazing, and
Speaker 5: then when they're not, it's like the end of the world.
Speaker 4: It's deaf con one.
Speaker 5: And then kind of the last thing that we look
Speaker 5: at here is do you have conflict? But more importantly
Speaker 5: do you have repair?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 5: Because conflict is normal, right, Like britt, you know you're engaged,
Speaker 5: you're gonna have issues with your partner, You're gonna have
Speaker 5: times where you're like, I'm gonna fucking kill you. But
Speaker 5: what's the repair life? That is how we start to
Speaker 5: see that's intimacy.
Speaker 4: It's sexy, they're so fucking hot. Oh my god, it's
Speaker 4: like you pissed me off. I pissed you off.
Speaker 5: I'm so sorry, thank you for listening to me. Now
Speaker 5: we rectify because then but like you know, kind of, Laura,
Speaker 5: what you were saying is like when you have those
Speaker 5: relationships where you're like, oh, we break up, get back together,
Speaker 5: break up, get back together. It's like we consistently have conflict,
Speaker 5: but we don't have repair because you don't actually feel safe.
Speaker 5: And I would beg to ask anybody if they're thinking
Speaker 5: about their relationship. I ask myself this question, how old
Speaker 5: do I feel? Right? So, if I'm with this person
Speaker 5: and I'm like, god, I always feel like I'm a
Speaker 5: fucking child. I always feel like I'm seven around this person,
Speaker 5: It's like, great, what happened? Then, Oh that's how my
Speaker 5: dad was. He would be really discrediting of me. It's
Speaker 5: like great. So then you are just going back into
Speaker 5: your MiG delibrain and you're acting like a child now,
Speaker 5: and you're coming from that space as opposed to understanding
Speaker 5: that you're an adult. You're no longer having to choose
Speaker 5: just your parents or nothing. You're not dating mom or
Speaker 5: dad you get to now choose from a plethora of people,
Speaker 5: and if this doesn't work, you're not going to be abandoned.
Speaker 2: This this is fear of being alone.
Speaker 1: And that's why a lot of people monkey branch to relationships.
Speaker 2: They say in a relationship they don't want because they
Speaker 2: don't want to be alone. Maybe that's subconsciously or maybe
Speaker 2: it's conscious. What do you think is the best advice
Speaker 2: for someone that knows they're in that space, they know
Speaker 2: they don't know how to be in their own company?
Speaker 5: Oh, start to ask yourself the questions, what am I
Speaker 5: so scared of? What am I afraid of happening if
Speaker 5: I spend time alone? What am I afraid happening if
Speaker 5: I if I leave this relationship? What am I afraid
Speaker 5: of happening if I don't meet somebody else? Right, then
Speaker 5: we can start to understand, Oh, I'm scared no one
Speaker 5: is ever going to choose me. Okay, So your core
Speaker 5: belief is that you're not good enough to be chosen, right, Okay,
Speaker 5: So that's where we're operating from.
Speaker 4: Now. Is this person adding to or exacerbating that?
Speaker 5: Right? Are they helping you to heal through this or
Speaker 5: are they adding to your bullshit and to your narrative,
Speaker 5: and we kind of really have to look at are
Speaker 5: you healing through this or are you hurting yourself more?
Speaker 5: Because again, when we see that of you know, oftentimes
Speaker 5: of like, oh I love them so much, I can't
Speaker 5: leave what I usually ask because I'm like, where'd you
Speaker 5: learn that behavior from? Did you see your mother martyr
Speaker 5: herself and never set a bound because everything was about
Speaker 5: the love of your family. Did you learn at a
Speaker 5: young age that if you set a boundary with someone
Speaker 5: or express a need that that would potentially mean you
Speaker 5: lost your caregiver or they would leave or walk out
Speaker 5: or dismiss you, whatever the case might be. What we
Speaker 5: really want to look at is what's happening in my body?
Speaker 5: What are the sensations? What does this remind me of?
Speaker 5: Because far too often, especially if it's the I love them,
Speaker 5: I just don't know and all that when there's that uncertainty,
Speaker 5: what we're doing is if we focus on them, it's
Speaker 5: easier for us to focus on them than it is
Speaker 5: to focus on ourselves. If I can focus on why
Speaker 5: they didn't choose me, I don't have to look at
Speaker 5: what about me feels that I need this person?
Speaker 4: To choose me.
Speaker 3: Speaking of feelings, though, I mean, I think that that's
Speaker 3: what so many people make their relationship decisions around, right,
Speaker 3: It's how I feel about this person. That's how I
Speaker 3: feel about the relationship. It's not about the facts of
Speaker 3: the relationship.
Speaker 1: How do you marry that?
Speaker 3: And I guess, like how much of it might be
Speaker 3: hard to kind of put this in a percentage, but like,
Speaker 3: how many of our relationship decisions should be based on
Speaker 3: the way we feel about our relationship, like intuitively feel
Speaker 3: versus the facts of what is happening within the relationship,
Speaker 3: because it kind of still has to be a bit of.
Speaker 5: Both totally, and that there would be contingent upon a
Speaker 5: person that trusts their intuition because oftentimes I get but
Speaker 5: that's how I feel, like.
Speaker 4: I'll give you an example.
Speaker 5: One of my clients was on this trip with this
Speaker 5: guy and he made a comment and like, when I
Speaker 5: heard the comment, it didn't impact me.
Speaker 4: I was just like, Okay, it triggered her.
Speaker 5: She completely shut down and she was just messaging me,
Speaker 5: I'm fucking done.
Speaker 4: I'm done. I don't want to feel this way.
Speaker 5: And I had to stop her and I said, who
Speaker 5: WHOA WHOA? Like what is happening here? The pinch doesn't
Speaker 5: match the ouch. This person made one comment and you
Speaker 5: are ready to walk out. So then what we have
Speaker 5: to look at is like, that's not your intuition, you
Speaker 5: know that's that's your anxiety. That's not intuition, that's trying
Speaker 5: to protect you. Oh I'm so hurt. Fuck this person.
Speaker 4: So then we have to look and go.
Speaker 5: Okay, you're running away, you're not actually facing it. Versus
Speaker 5: if I face it head on and go, oh shit,
Speaker 5: that person actually didn't say anything inappropriate. That really just
Speaker 5: triggered me and felt like a six year old. You
Speaker 5: know what, I need to communicate with this person and
Speaker 5: have a conversation so I can show up and talk
Speaker 5: to them. So one, we need to be able to
Speaker 5: understand our own intuition. Then if I say something, then
Speaker 5: my next question is, Okay, if I have this feeling,
Speaker 5: what are the facts to back that feeling up. So
Speaker 5: it's a DBT practice is challenge your thoughts, right, give
Speaker 5: me the facts. If I'm a judge and I am
Speaker 5: in the jury, I'm going to give you a million dollars,
Speaker 5: but you got to prove this. So if I prove
Speaker 5: he didn't text me today because he doesn't like me? Okay,
Speaker 5: where are the facts to back that up? I don't
Speaker 5: have any. That's not your intuition. That is your anxiety
Speaker 5: versus he told me he was gonna call me at
Speaker 5: six o'clock and it's been three days since I heard him.
Speaker 5: Those are the facts to back up that there is
Speaker 5: a shift in by dynamic and this person hasn't contacted
Speaker 5: me that way, we can then start to blend the
Speaker 5: world between is my intuition guiding me? Because typically what
Speaker 5: comes with intuition is it's a positive thought process because
Speaker 5: it's trying to help and serve you. So, for instance, hey,
Speaker 5: I deserve better than this. That felt disrespectful versus. Anxiety
Speaker 5: comes with a body sensation. So your body starts to manifest,
Speaker 5: you sweat, you start to your your neck starts to crumble,
Speaker 5: you get a stomach ache, your.
Speaker 4: Heart starts to raise.
Speaker 5: And typically speaking, an anxiety thought is a negative thought.
Speaker 5: What am I not going to at enough? Am I
Speaker 5: not worthy? It's an attack against yourself. So that right
Speaker 5: there is where we can stop and go, Wait a minute,
Speaker 5: I attacking myself? Then this isn't my intuition, This is
Speaker 5: more my anxiety trying to protect me from something, and
Speaker 5: then we can start to understand what are the facts
Speaker 5: of the relationship, Because at the end of the day,
Speaker 5: I could feel all of the feelings about my partner,
Speaker 5: but if I don't have facts to back up these feelings,
Speaker 5: then I'm fucking delusional, is what I am? Right?
Speaker 3: The cycle of seeking validation from relationships like that is
Speaker 3: where you are getting your self worth from. And we're
Speaker 3: speaking about self awareness a lot, but for a lot
Speaker 3: of people it's this like sense of worthiness that they're
Speaker 3: getting from their relationships. How do we acknowledge that, recognize it,
Speaker 3: and move focus from something that is like more meaningful
Speaker 3: to get our own self validation from?
Speaker 5: So when it comes from so, I mean, listen, I
Speaker 5: was the poster child for seeking external validation and it
Speaker 5: was the when this then this, you're right, Oh, when
Speaker 5: I lose twenty pounds, then I'm going to be happy.
Speaker 5: When I get the partner, then I'll be good. And
Speaker 5: what you start to realize it's like it's an endless
Speaker 5: pit of needs because nobody is ever going to be
Speaker 5: able to say that. Now, the seeking of external validation really,
Speaker 5: where does it? How do you actually stop it? Welcome
Speaker 5: to doing the work right. We have to start to
Speaker 5: understand what part of me, Like I'm big on, it's
Speaker 5: called parts work, if anyone's familiar with internal family systems,
Speaker 5: and it's like a type of therapy, and so we
Speaker 5: look at we have a million parts of us, and
Speaker 5: so what part of me is seeking that external validation?
Speaker 5: The little girl in me I feel like I'm seventeen again. Man,
Speaker 5: she's this emo teenager and you're like, fuck, okay. At
Speaker 5: that time, I really felt really dismissed by a lot
Speaker 5: of people. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. And
Speaker 5: then it's like, okay, well, how can I like what
Speaker 5: is that little version of me need right now? She
Speaker 5: needs me to validate her and let her know like
Speaker 5: I accept you and I love you as you are,
Speaker 5: and I choose you. And then by doing that, that's
Speaker 5: how you build that confidence of like, yes, I can
Speaker 5: validate my own emotions. I do actually need that. But
Speaker 5: when you're so caught up an external external you're not
Speaker 5: actually internally validating shit. You're just waiting for other people
Speaker 5: to let you know it's okay for you to live
Speaker 5: your life.
Speaker 2: You speak a little about doing the inn a work
Speaker 2: before you get into a relationship, and maybe that being
Speaker 2: like a foundation of having a healthy relationship. But someone
Speaker 2: that's stuck right now, literally, what does doing the N
Speaker 2: work look like?
Speaker 5: Oh, if you're stuck right now, what it means is
Speaker 5: a micro yes. And so my friend Britt Frank, she's
Speaker 5: a brilliant neuropsychotherapist, and her book is called The Signs
Speaker 5: of Stuck, and her whole thing is like when you're stuck,
Speaker 5: because typically that's torn between like I'm scared to make
Speaker 5: a move, I don't trust myself, I don't know what
Speaker 5: to do.
Speaker 4: Nothing feels like it's working. Right, we get into this
Speaker 4: like loop bluploop.
Speaker 5: The best way is to one understand that it's not
Speaker 5: gonna happen overnight. It's gonna take you a minute for
Speaker 5: these processes and these steps to take place. So off
Speaker 5: the bat, it's like a breakup. You gotta know it's
Speaker 5: gonna fucking suck, right.
Speaker 4: But then the.
Speaker 5: Second part of here is make micro yeses so insultingly
Speaker 5: small that you almost feel like you want to hit
Speaker 5: me because they're so ridiculous. And so if that means
Speaker 5: that you're like, I don't do shit, I don't have
Speaker 5: many mindfulness. Okay, well I wouldn't expect you to go
Speaker 5: from nothing to meditating for thirty minutes. So if you
Speaker 5: feel stuck, it's like, okay, envision the version of you
Speaker 5: that you want to be. She's all of these amazing things.
Speaker 5: For today, what's in my control that I could do
Speaker 5: one thing to get to that point? So if the
Speaker 5: future me is super communicative and then now me is
Speaker 5: super emotionally unavailable, then maybe what I would look at
Speaker 5: here is like I'd like to get curious about where
Speaker 5: did I learn this from? Okay, so I'm going to
Speaker 5: journal on it. That's it for today, and then tomorrow
Speaker 5: I put the journal on my table, and then the
Speaker 5: next day I put the pen next to it, and
Speaker 5: then the next day I write a sentence. Make it small,
Speaker 5: because what you're doing is you're allowing your nervous system
Speaker 5: to become comfortable with this, but you're also showing yourself
Speaker 5: when I make up.
Speaker 4: When I say I'm going to do something, I show
Speaker 4: up and I do it.
Speaker 5: Because it's like New Year's resolutions, when we go from
Speaker 5: zero to one hundred and all of a sudden, you're like,
Speaker 5: oh fuck, I couldn't maintain that, but we have to
Speaker 5: make them so small that if you know my goal
Speaker 5: is this, I know it's going to take me a minute,
Speaker 5: But for today, what can I do? I could go
Speaker 5: on a walk for two minutes, I'll do that. We
Speaker 5: have to start somewhere. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Speaker 3: How should a healthy relationship feel? And for someone who
Speaker 3: has been attracted to that toxicity and that sort of
Speaker 3: like rollercoaster high, will it be boring? Is that the
Speaker 3: expectation that should be had comparatively?
Speaker 5: Of course it will be because that's your nervous system.
Speaker 5: So what these people are saying is when I want
Speaker 5: the high highs and low lows. It's like, so you
Speaker 5: like dysregulation, you like always knowing when am I going
Speaker 5: to be safe? When am I gonna have it next? Right?
Speaker 5: When's the tiger going to come back into my room
Speaker 5: and kill me this time? So your body is used
Speaker 5: to that. I was so used to that because I
Speaker 5: grew up in that household. I grew up in that
Speaker 5: environment where you never knew what safety meant, You never
Speaker 5: knew who was gonna hit you or ye leave or
Speaker 5: yell or whatever.
Speaker 4: So for me, that was normal. The nice guy.
Speaker 5: You know, we also have to remember too, not only
Speaker 5: is it your nervous system, uni also your core beliefs,
Speaker 5: because if the nice guy comes to you, not only
Speaker 5: do I have to say, wait a minute, you actually
Speaker 5: like me, so you accept me from who I am?
Speaker 5: You think I'm amazing, because then that goes against my
Speaker 5: core beliefs of so there's nothing wrong with me. I
Speaker 5: am worthy and deserving of love, no no thanks, And
Speaker 5: so oftentimes we'll push that away. Like when I met
Speaker 5: my partner. Yeah, I was bored because I was like,
Speaker 5: he's super predictable. He would call me every other day
Speaker 5: or he'd send make a plan. But it wasn't born
Speaker 5: in a negative way. It felt for the first time,
Speaker 5: I felt calm, I felt safe. I didn't have to
Speaker 5: question where I was going. Because when you're so used
Speaker 5: to the toxicity, when you really start to do the
Speaker 5: work and you heal those parts of you that enjoyed dysregulation,
Speaker 5: then all of a sudden, you want nothing more than
Speaker 5: calm and peace because it feels like such a big dichotomy.
Speaker 5: So it's okay if you're still out there saying, but
Speaker 5: I want the spark and I want the high highs
Speaker 5: and low lows. All I would have to say is
Speaker 5: start doing some nervous system work. Understand your nervous system,
Speaker 5: befriend it. Understand how you feel when you're with these people.
Speaker 5: How do you feel when you're not? What happens the narrative?
Speaker 5: What are the core beliefs that you're reaffirming by dating
Speaker 5: these people? Because then we can start to say this
Speaker 5: is what I want, this is what I deserve. But
Speaker 5: you actually have to fucking believe that this is what
Speaker 5: you deserve. And my mama has been saying that to
Speaker 5: me for years. Be careful what you wish for, because
Speaker 5: when you get it, what are you.
Speaker 4: Going to do with it?
Speaker 1: SABRAINA.
Speaker 2: A really common question we get here at life un
Speaker 2: Cut is the age old question. How do you know
Speaker 2: when you should leave a relationship? How do you know
Speaker 2: when it's run its course and it is no longer
Speaker 2: worthy of your time and worthy of your energy to continue?
Speaker 5: So the age old question when should you leave a relationship?
Speaker 5: And I think what it really comes down to is
Speaker 5: when you no longer feel what you're growing personally and
Speaker 5: as a couple. Right, So if you start to look
Speaker 5: and say I don't feel seen heard, and understood. I
Speaker 5: don't feel like my partner validates me. They're not willing
Speaker 5: to put the work in. Julie Menino is one of
Speaker 5: my favorite marriage family therapists, and she and I were
Speaker 5: talking about this, and she said, the one thing that
Speaker 5: you need to look for in a partner is someone
Speaker 5: that is willing to grow with you and is willing
Speaker 5: to put the work in no matter what. Because if
Speaker 5: you have a partner that says, no matter what, we'll
Speaker 5: get through this. Both people invested in that, you can
Speaker 5: actually make this work. But when one person is checked
Speaker 5: out or when you start to see, wait a minute,
Speaker 5: I'm not being validated, I'm not being heard, my needs
Speaker 5: aren't being met.
Speaker 4: That is the clearest indication of five.
Speaker 5: Maybe have a conversation, but if you don't see progress,
Speaker 5: then we have to call it a day again, conflict
Speaker 5: and repair. Are we building? Are we progressing? Are we growing?
Speaker 5: Are we co creating a life together? Or have I
Speaker 5: completely gone on my own journey and just not grown
Speaker 5: with this person and grown outside of them. It's something
Speaker 5: that it's a hard decision, right And it's one of
Speaker 5: those things too that when we look and say.
Speaker 4: Okay, if I were to look.
Speaker 5: And also I would ask if this was your friend's relationship,
Speaker 5: would you be telling them to stay with this and
Speaker 5: fight no matter what, or would you be telling them, Yo, dude,
Speaker 5: when the fuck are you going to realize that this
Speaker 5: person's not healthy for you? Because is this what you
Speaker 5: want and deserve?
Speaker 4: Is this what you need? But also do you feel fulfilled?
Speaker 3: Sabrina, thank you so much for coming and being a
Speaker 3: part of the pod. I appreciate the hard truth so much,
Speaker 3: And like I said earlier, I think when you in it,
Speaker 3: it is very hard to digest the realities of the
Speaker 3: way that you may be.
Speaker 1: Showing up in your relationship. Like it takes time.
Speaker 3: And for anyone who's listening to this, who's like, maybe
Speaker 3: I am the problem, but I didn't want to fucking
Speaker 3: hear that, give yourself grace that that takes time.
Speaker 5: Have compassion for yourself, Have grace for yourself. This is
Speaker 5: a journey. It is never going to be That's why listen,
Speaker 5: we choose our heart right every day waking up and
Speaker 5: going through the world is really fucking tough, but we
Speaker 5: choose where we put that energy. And there's nothing different
Speaker 5: here for anybody. Wherever you're aut on your journey. These
Speaker 5: are just some roadmaps and some tools to be able
Speaker 5: to interject into your life. But at the end of
Speaker 5: the day, coming home to yourself is the most beautiful
Speaker 5: exploration you'll ever do, and I could not encourage everybody
Speaker 5: more than to do that. Whether it's because you're going
Speaker 5: to meet a partner or not, it doesn't really matter.
Speaker 5: You are the longest relationship you'll ever have. So thank
Speaker 5: you guys for allowing me and having me on, and
Speaker 5: thanks for letting me share some random wisdom if you.
Speaker 1: Will your legend. Thank you so much. Thanks BRAINO.