WEBVTT - What Is vs. What If in Relationships. Uncut with Sabrina Zohar 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:02.280 This episode was recorded on cameragle Land. 0:00:11.920 --> 0:00:14.480 Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of lifelu Cut. 0:00:14.480 --> 0:00:15.800 I'm Brittany and I'm Laura. 0:00:16.120 --> 0:00:18.759 Today we have a relationship expert on the podcast, but 0:00:18.800 --> 0:00:22.079 she's not just any relationship expert. Her name is Sabrina 0:00:22.160 --> 0:00:25.720 Zohar and she's very well known and very well loved 0:00:25.840 --> 0:00:29.360 for the way she delivers her advice. She's very nobleshit. 0:00:29.440 --> 0:00:31.680 She's very cut to the chase, say the things that 0:00:31.760 --> 0:00:33.559 you need to hear, not the things that you want 0:00:33.600 --> 0:00:33.839 to hear. 0:00:33.880 --> 0:00:35.040 And that's what I love about her. 0:00:35.320 --> 0:00:38.559 The thing about this that I found truly fascinating and 0:00:38.600 --> 0:00:42.080 I really like for anybody who is kind of in 0:00:42.120 --> 0:00:45.440 the throes of dating. We all know it's very very hard, 0:00:45.800 --> 0:00:49.200 but the conversation we have is more around the relationship 0:00:49.200 --> 0:00:51.640 you have with yourself. It's more around how you show 0:00:51.720 --> 0:00:55.120 up in relationships. Relationships don't just happen to you. You 0:00:55.160 --> 0:00:58.920 have agency, you have choice and recognizing the patterns that 0:00:59.040 --> 0:01:02.040 maybe you are playing a pod of in the decisions 0:01:02.040 --> 0:01:04.200 that you're making and the relationships that you're choosing to 0:01:04.200 --> 0:01:04.480 be in. 0:01:04.920 --> 0:01:06.480 Sabrina, Welcome to the podcast. 0:01:06.800 --> 0:01:08.480 Girls. Thank you so much for having. 0:01:08.200 --> 0:01:10.520 Me, Sabrina, we never USDT an episode with that and 0:01:10.560 --> 0:01:13.440 acidently unfiltered, you're embarrassing story, So please tell us what 0:01:13.440 --> 0:01:13.840 you've got. 0:01:14.360 --> 0:01:17.240 Okay, so let's see my most embarrassing story. I'm just 0:01:17.280 --> 0:01:18.400 gonna go ahead and share. 0:01:18.800 --> 0:01:19.360 I think it was. 0:01:19.400 --> 0:01:22.959 Actually this would be probably more embarrassing for them than 0:01:22.959 --> 0:01:23.520 it would be me. 0:01:24.120 --> 0:01:25.720 But I will never forget. 0:01:25.840 --> 0:01:29.720 I was dating this guy many months ago and I 0:01:29.800 --> 0:01:31.840 was like boasting to all of my friends about like 0:01:31.880 --> 0:01:34.720 how amazing this guy is and how great he is, 0:01:34.880 --> 0:01:37.000 and how we've been dating each other for a long time. 0:01:37.400 --> 0:01:41.039 And to my surprise, he used a photo that I 0:01:41.040 --> 0:01:42.880 had taken of him and my dog as the main 0:01:42.880 --> 0:01:45.240 photo for his dating app and had connected with a 0:01:45.240 --> 0:01:46.679 friend of mine. And the only way I found out 0:01:46.680 --> 0:01:50.080 about this was because she recognized the dog. And needless 0:01:50.120 --> 0:01:51.560 to say, that was the last time I ever went 0:01:51.560 --> 0:01:54.640 out with this guy. I was just so pissed off 0:01:54.680 --> 0:01:56.800 and embarrassed. I was like, are you out of all 0:01:56.880 --> 0:01:59.160 the things for me to do, that's the one photo 0:01:59.200 --> 0:02:00.640 you use for your data profile? 0:02:00.920 --> 0:02:01.280 Sweet? 0:02:01.360 --> 0:02:03.320 At least you helped him on his journey, right, You're like, 0:02:03.360 --> 0:02:05.280 here it is, go forth and be better. 0:02:05.560 --> 0:02:07.600 All while sleeping with me still, so I was like, 0:02:07.640 --> 0:02:09.560 I didn't realize it the whole time I was helping 0:02:09.600 --> 0:02:13.280 this person go on and prosper but also still date 0:02:13.320 --> 0:02:14.200 me at the same time. 0:02:14.880 --> 0:02:16.080 Can take a good photo. 0:02:16.400 --> 0:02:19.280 What you've built through Instagram and through your community is 0:02:19.320 --> 0:02:22.840 truly remarkable, and I guess I always find it interesting 0:02:22.919 --> 0:02:25.280 to figure out how you become someone who is the 0:02:25.320 --> 0:02:27.760 advice giver, Like what have you been through in your life? 0:02:27.800 --> 0:02:30.160 That kind of gets you to a point where you're like, Okay, 0:02:30.200 --> 0:02:32.239 I have the answers now because I've lived the life 0:02:32.240 --> 0:02:36.320 and had the realizations what made you get into relationship 0:02:36.360 --> 0:02:37.480 advice in the first place. 0:02:38.160 --> 0:02:39.960 So I kind of fell into this truthfully. 0:02:40.120 --> 0:02:42.079 I had my past life was like I went to 0:02:42.080 --> 0:02:44.000 school for fashion and I have a clothing line. So 0:02:44.160 --> 0:02:45.520 I just kind of was like, Okay, I'll just be 0:02:45.520 --> 0:02:48.520 an entrepreneur. And I started doing podcasts and panels and 0:02:48.560 --> 0:02:51.160 people just reached out to me about coaching for business 0:02:51.160 --> 0:02:52.720 of like, hey, how do you bootstrap? How do you 0:02:52.760 --> 0:02:54.920 start something from nothing? How do you figure this all out? 0:02:55.080 --> 0:02:56.480 And so I was just kind of coaching, and then 0:02:56.520 --> 0:02:58.799 that ended up turning into like life coaching, which turned 0:02:58.800 --> 0:03:02.680 into like relationships stuff. And truthfully, it was when I 0:03:02.760 --> 0:03:05.320 met my partner, and I had started creating content around then, 0:03:05.360 --> 0:03:07.080 and most of the content I started creating was just 0:03:07.120 --> 0:03:09.920 kind of commiserating with like, Hey, this stuff's really fucking tough, 0:03:10.000 --> 0:03:10.800 and no one's. 0:03:10.560 --> 0:03:11.760 Talking about how tough it is. 0:03:12.240 --> 0:03:14.919 We're all just either shaming each other or we're seeing 0:03:14.919 --> 0:03:17.880 these unrealistic relationships. But there really wasn't anything in between. 0:03:18.440 --> 0:03:20.320 And so then when I met my partner and I 0:03:20.360 --> 0:03:22.959 started to implement behavior that was different for me that 0:03:23.040 --> 0:03:25.360 I'd learned in therapy or learned along the way, that 0:03:25.520 --> 0:03:29.119 was completely contrary to the advice that I was receiving online. 0:03:29.480 --> 0:03:31.160 That was just kind of the first indication for me 0:03:31.200 --> 0:03:33.919 of like, no, fuck this, I there's something better out there. 0:03:34.000 --> 0:03:35.560 There's a voice that needs to be heard, and I 0:03:35.600 --> 0:03:37.880 think that's me. Now at the time, did I like 0:03:38.080 --> 0:03:39.160 believe in myself fully? 0:03:39.320 --> 0:03:39.520 Now? 0:03:40.200 --> 0:03:41.480 To me, I was like, oh, come on, who gives 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:44.480 a shit about me? I'm just some girl and you 0:03:44.520 --> 0:03:45.920 get the trolls that'll remind. 0:03:45.640 --> 0:03:46.000 You of that. 0:03:46.480 --> 0:03:49.000 But what I started to realize was as I was 0:03:49.040 --> 0:03:52.320 implementing a lot of this stuff, I started to see 0:03:52.320 --> 0:03:54.560 my life change and I started to see my relationships change. 0:03:54.600 --> 0:03:56.840 And then as I started working with more people tailoring 0:03:56.880 --> 0:03:59.119 it to this, I started to see like, holy shit, 0:03:59.160 --> 0:04:00.840 there is a method to them madness that I just 0:04:00.840 --> 0:04:04.080 don't think anybody's necessarily articulating in a way that's digestible 0:04:04.120 --> 0:04:07.800 for us to understand, like therapy, terms, neuroscience, all of 0:04:07.840 --> 0:04:10.840 these really interesting different aspects. And that was kind of 0:04:10.880 --> 0:04:13.040 the hole I wanted to fill, was I know, I 0:04:13.040 --> 0:04:15.120 don't know everything, but I know what I know really 0:04:15.160 --> 0:04:17.880 really well, and I understand human psychology. And if we 0:04:17.920 --> 0:04:20.200 actually started to realize how many people like project on 0:04:20.279 --> 0:04:22.800 us and put their shit onto us, then you start 0:04:22.800 --> 0:04:24.599 to realize like, oh, that's why a lot of the 0:04:24.600 --> 0:04:27.359 stating advice doesn't actually resonate and leads you to the 0:04:27.400 --> 0:04:28.479 relationships that you want. 0:04:28.920 --> 0:04:31.120 You speak a lot about self awareness, and you know, 0:04:31.160 --> 0:04:33.440 your journey did start a lot with self awareness. Was 0:04:33.480 --> 0:04:36.400 there a particular moment or relationship where you were like, Oh, 0:04:36.480 --> 0:04:39.200 I'm the problem right now and I'm chasing the wrong thing. 0:04:40.160 --> 0:04:41.440 Oh yeah, I married my father. 0:04:42.560 --> 0:04:45.159 I mean that's cost it's illegal. 0:04:46.560 --> 0:04:48.960 Yeah, so dog about that all fun complict? Like I 0:04:49.040 --> 0:04:51.440 married a man that was almost identical to my dad 0:04:51.440 --> 0:04:53.840 in every single way, and it was a relationship that 0:04:53.880 --> 0:04:55.960 literally almost broke me. And by the end of it, 0:04:56.000 --> 0:04:57.960 I was like, yo, dude, you have to be the 0:04:58.000 --> 0:05:01.080 common denominator. And it was also my sis who sat 0:05:01.120 --> 0:05:02.640 me down one day and was like, when will you 0:05:02.760 --> 0:05:05.000 understand you and your anxiety of the fucking problem? And 0:05:05.000 --> 0:05:07.880 I was like, oh, okay, and like, of course at 0:05:07.880 --> 0:05:09.680 the time, I was like, you're such a bitch. I 0:05:09.680 --> 0:05:11.320 can't believe you'd say that. Now I'm like, nah, you 0:05:11.400 --> 0:05:14.320 were right, I understand. But it was really I think, 0:05:14.520 --> 0:05:16.880 you know, Freud has the term repetition compulsion, right, You're 0:05:16.880 --> 0:05:18.880 going to keep dating the parts of you that are 0:05:18.880 --> 0:05:21.080 not healed. You're going to keep dating people that mimic 0:05:21.160 --> 0:05:23.600 the closest mimic to your caregivers, hoping if you can 0:05:24.000 --> 0:05:26.159 work on that, then you're going to be able to 0:05:26.800 --> 0:05:29.080 move on from all the pain in the past. And 0:05:29.160 --> 0:05:31.680 so that was me. I was just kind of continuously 0:05:31.760 --> 0:05:34.120 living in my trauma. And that was the relationship that 0:05:34.160 --> 0:05:37.240 I started therapy after started doing my Kenemy treatments, made 0:05:37.279 --> 0:05:39.400 and child Journey, all of those variables that I started 0:05:39.440 --> 0:05:42.560 to realize, like, you're the common denominator in this whole 0:05:42.680 --> 0:05:44.800 entire thing. And until you start to understand how you 0:05:44.839 --> 0:05:47.560 show up is also going to impact how other people 0:05:47.560 --> 0:05:48.400 show up, then. 0:05:48.320 --> 0:05:50.239 You're just constantly living in this life. 0:05:50.040 --> 0:05:52.800 Of like everything keeps happening to me without realizing like 0:05:52.839 --> 0:05:55.159 it's actually happening for you. We just have to be 0:05:55.320 --> 0:05:58.239 aware enough to see how these things all play together. 0:05:58.480 --> 0:06:00.680 It's interesting you say this because that we talk about 0:06:00.680 --> 0:06:03.480 a lot on this podcast is like patent behavior and 0:06:03.520 --> 0:06:06.880 patent dating in relationships. It's something that I have been 0:06:06.880 --> 0:06:10.760 guilty of myself. It's something that I think Britt has 0:06:10.800 --> 0:06:12.880 also been guilty of. But I think we all do 0:06:12.960 --> 0:06:15.640 this right. We all have like as and when we 0:06:15.680 --> 0:06:18.039 think of like a type, often people think of like 0:06:18.040 --> 0:06:19.960 a physical type, and then they go, I don't have 0:06:20.000 --> 0:06:21.800 a type. By date heats the different types of guys 0:06:21.800 --> 0:06:24.320 that look different. But when you actually start to unpack 0:06:24.360 --> 0:06:26.680 the personality qualities of the person that it is that 0:06:26.720 --> 0:06:29.120 you're choosing, often there is a pattern, and we have 0:06:29.240 --> 0:06:33.280 this repeated behavior and this repeated cycle of relationships over 0:06:33.320 --> 0:06:33.880 and over. 0:06:34.000 --> 0:06:35.080 Oh one hundred percent. 0:06:35.360 --> 0:06:37.159 You know, there's that old saying like the definition of 0:06:37.160 --> 0:06:39.360 insanity is doing the same thing, expecting a different result, 0:06:39.400 --> 0:06:42.960 and it's like, no, that's trauma, right. And so when 0:06:42.960 --> 0:06:45.359 we go after a pattern like I was textbook, Like 0:06:45.360 --> 0:06:46.880 I said, when I said I married my father, it 0:06:46.920 --> 0:06:50.200 was like it was it was eerily creepy how similar 0:06:50.279 --> 0:06:52.520 they were and not just physically, but more so how 0:06:52.560 --> 0:06:54.720 they treated me. And what we have to look at 0:06:54.800 --> 0:06:57.680 is typically speaking, when we start to see like I'm 0:06:57.680 --> 0:06:58.839 not going to call you guys out, but I'm going 0:06:58.920 --> 0:07:00.960 to call you out because if we're eating long distance, right, 0:07:01.240 --> 0:07:03.240 if you have a pattern where you're like I always 0:07:03.240 --> 0:07:05.680 go for these emotionally unavailable people, or I date these 0:07:05.680 --> 0:07:07.160 people that are out of reach, it's like, well, then 0:07:07.160 --> 0:07:09.560 a part of us is also emotionally unavailable, because if 0:07:09.560 --> 0:07:11.960 we're not showing those parts of ourself, well, then we're 0:07:11.960 --> 0:07:15.160 going to continue to mirror what feels unco feels comfortable. 0:07:15.200 --> 0:07:15.400 Right. 0:07:15.640 --> 0:07:17.240 So if I grew up in a household with an 0:07:17.240 --> 0:07:20.360 emotionally unavailable parent and I don't feel like I can 0:07:20.400 --> 0:07:22.680 safely express myself, then that is now how I'm going 0:07:22.720 --> 0:07:25.280 to manifest in my adult relationships. I like to call 0:07:25.280 --> 0:07:28.720 it the bullshit blueprint, and the bullshit blueprint is essentially 0:07:28.760 --> 0:07:31.559 all of those core beliefs and things that were ingrained 0:07:31.560 --> 0:07:33.360 in you as a child, things that you didn't have 0:07:33.400 --> 0:07:35.840 a choice over, you did not get to learn. Who 0:07:35.920 --> 0:07:37.840 taught you how to love yourself, who taught you how 0:07:37.840 --> 0:07:40.920 to communicate? School didn't fucking teach that. I know my 0:07:41.000 --> 0:07:43.239 Polythagrean theorem, but I don't know how to do my taxes. 0:07:43.600 --> 0:07:45.760 So it's like when we stop and kind of strip 0:07:45.840 --> 0:07:48.600 it back and say, where did I learn this behavior from? Okay, well, 0:07:48.600 --> 0:07:51.120 then that's where we create these patterns, because the patterns 0:07:51.240 --> 0:07:53.760 are going to keep you safe. Your brain loves familiarity, 0:07:53.800 --> 0:07:56.280 so it's not trying to learn new things. It's trying 0:07:56.320 --> 0:07:58.480 to just get you through your day as safely as 0:07:58.520 --> 0:08:01.760 you possibly can, which just means to rely on old conditioning. 0:08:02.640 --> 0:08:04.920 Just to be clear, my fiancee is emotionally available. He's 0:08:04.920 --> 0:08:09.160 just not physically here. But I am okay, I am 0:08:09.280 --> 0:08:13.360 very interested in why, and I don't want to blanket statement, 0:08:13.520 --> 0:08:17.760 but women do tend to be hyper attracted to people 0:08:17.760 --> 0:08:20.160 that are emotionally unavailable. It's like it is the biggest 0:08:20.200 --> 0:08:22.320 grain flag for us, even though we obviously know it's 0:08:22.320 --> 0:08:24.840 a red flag. Why do you reckon like as a whole. 0:08:25.000 --> 0:08:28.120 That is such a sexy attribute for someone to have, like, oh, 0:08:28.240 --> 0:08:29.880 fuck ya, he's gonna give me nothing. 0:08:30.040 --> 0:08:31.880 It's like I want to be the exception. It's what 0:08:31.920 --> 0:08:32.240 it is. 0:08:32.280 --> 0:08:34.280 I want this relationship to be the one that he like, 0:08:34.320 --> 0:08:35.880 I'm going to change him and to turn him. 0:08:36.000 --> 0:08:39.040 Yeah, precisely, it's like we want to be chosen, right 0:08:39.200 --> 0:08:41.959 especially typically, see what we see is if you actually 0:08:42.040 --> 0:08:44.720 trail it back, there is some core wound there of 0:08:44.840 --> 0:08:47.360 not feeling chosen, not feeling like a priority, feeling like 0:08:47.400 --> 0:08:49.480 love has to be earned. Because I remember seeing this 0:08:49.520 --> 0:08:51.040 one quote and it was like a girl told her 0:08:51.080 --> 0:08:53.720 friend the guy stopped dating me, and she said, what 0:08:53.720 --> 0:08:55.640 would your response be as a secure person? And the 0:08:55.640 --> 0:08:58.400 girl said, well, here's the issue between the secure versus 0:08:58.400 --> 0:09:00.800 the insecure. The secure person would look and say, I 0:09:00.880 --> 0:09:02.200 know that this person's not for me. 0:09:02.320 --> 0:09:02.800 That's okay. 0:09:02.840 --> 0:09:04.800 There's going to be other people out there and it's 0:09:04.800 --> 0:09:06.800 not about me, And she said, the insecure person, the 0:09:06.800 --> 0:09:08.400 first thing that they think about is what's wrong with me? 0:09:08.480 --> 0:09:09.440 What was I not good enough? 0:09:09.920 --> 0:09:12.600 And so usually what happens when we go after somebody 0:09:12.600 --> 0:09:15.839 that is going to reinstate, they're confirming those core beliefs. See, 0:09:15.880 --> 0:09:17.679 I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy. I want to 0:09:17.720 --> 0:09:21.040 be chosen because if they choose me, Hello, repetition, compulsion. 0:09:21.080 --> 0:09:23.720 If they choose me, then everything from the past will 0:09:23.720 --> 0:09:26.439 no longer feel pain because I could get them. I 0:09:26.520 --> 0:09:28.120 might not have been able to get my mom or dad, 0:09:28.120 --> 0:09:30.280 but I could get them to choose me. And that's 0:09:30.320 --> 0:09:32.720 the perception of control. Oh, all I have to do 0:09:32.800 --> 0:09:34.880 is act like this and then I can get them. 0:09:34.920 --> 0:09:37.280 But then when it's up, happening is your needs aren't met. 0:09:37.600 --> 0:09:39.520 And we're so used to self abandoning, we're not in 0:09:39.559 --> 0:09:41.880 our own bodies, and we're so concerned with what do 0:09:41.920 --> 0:09:43.600 they think of me and what do they want, what 0:09:43.640 --> 0:09:46.439 do they like about me, that we haven't stopped to say, like, well, 0:09:46.520 --> 0:09:48.360 what is it that I need? And are my needs 0:09:48.360 --> 0:09:51.480 satisfied and met here? Because growing up that could actually 0:09:51.480 --> 0:09:53.920 mean that you would lose connection to your caregiver if 0:09:53.960 --> 0:09:56.400 you stop to ask how you were doing, because it 0:09:56.440 --> 0:09:58.199 wasn't about you, it was more so often about them. 0:09:58.520 --> 0:10:01.720 A lot of people when they're going through dating and 0:10:01.760 --> 0:10:04.760 they've had, like you know, a terrible relationship. After terrible relationship, 0:10:04.800 --> 0:10:07.960 often there becomes this light bulb moment where you realize, oh, okay, 0:10:08.280 --> 0:10:10.240 the self awareness hits where you're like, I am a 0:10:10.280 --> 0:10:13.560 common denominator in the choices that I'm making. That happens 0:10:13.559 --> 0:10:16.360 for some people, it absolutely doesn't happen for others. Like 0:10:16.480 --> 0:10:19.000 age and timing is not a guarantee that you're gonna 0:10:19.040 --> 0:10:21.320 have this light bulb moment where you realize that you're 0:10:21.320 --> 0:10:24.720 not just a victim in all of your relationships. How 0:10:24.760 --> 0:10:27.960 can people be more self aware or get to that 0:10:28.040 --> 0:10:31.000 place of nirvana where they go, oh, I see that 0:10:31.040 --> 0:10:33.280 there's a pattern here, and this pattern is affecting my 0:10:33.400 --> 0:10:36.440 life rather than just being passive within relationships and feel 0:10:36.440 --> 0:10:38.000 as though they're happening to them and they don't have 0:10:38.040 --> 0:10:39.520 control over it. 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:41.000 It's a great question, and it's loaded. 0:10:41.040 --> 0:10:42.800 And what I mean by that is there's a couple 0:10:42.840 --> 0:10:45.200 of there's a little bit of nuance because the reality 0:10:45.320 --> 0:10:49.560 is somebody lacking self awareness that is actually serving them 0:10:49.559 --> 0:10:51.559 a purpose. Right, Because if I don't need to well 0:10:51.559 --> 0:10:53.959 I'm the victim, I get to just perpetually stay. 0:10:53.800 --> 0:10:54.360 In this life. 0:10:54.400 --> 0:10:57.000 I don't have to take accountability and ownership because taking 0:10:57.000 --> 0:10:59.440 accountability and ownership means that you actually have agency and 0:10:59.520 --> 0:11:01.400 choice over life, and for a lot of people, it's 0:11:01.440 --> 0:11:05.079 easier to feel I just don't have any and oftentimes 0:11:05.080 --> 0:11:06.600 like those are the people that's like, that's where therapy 0:11:06.640 --> 0:11:08.600 really starts to come in of working with somebody that 0:11:08.640 --> 0:11:11.480 can actually help you rewire your brain. You know, my 0:11:11.520 --> 0:11:13.200 friend Nicole is a neuroscience. So I don't know if 0:11:13.200 --> 0:11:15.760 you guys know a Nicole's neuroscience. And she was always 0:11:15.800 --> 0:11:18.760 telling me like, it takes three hundred repetitions for your 0:11:18.760 --> 0:11:21.760 body to remember something, but it takes three thousand repetitions 0:11:21.760 --> 0:11:24.200 for your brain to start a new neural pathway. So 0:11:24.760 --> 0:11:27.160 if that takes three thousand times for me to say 0:11:27.200 --> 0:11:30.400 something or remind myself or go towards this, the amount. 0:11:30.160 --> 0:11:31.960 Of people that are like, I don't want to do that, Yeah, 0:11:31.960 --> 0:11:33.800 and I see it every day. I'll create content. 0:11:33.880 --> 0:11:35.840 Let's say about like, instead of ghosting, say this, like, 0:11:35.920 --> 0:11:39.480 let's stop this bullshit culture, let's become better versions of ourself. 0:11:39.840 --> 0:11:42.600 The amount of people that are like ghosting is easier. 0:11:42.640 --> 0:11:44.199 And I said, well, so this is about being easy, 0:11:44.280 --> 0:11:46.520 and so her response was, well, listen, I'm out there. 0:11:46.600 --> 0:11:49.160 I need to make money and I'm running the show 0:11:49.200 --> 0:11:50.960 and I have to take care of everything and I 0:11:51.000 --> 0:11:53.040 don't want to deal with it. And then when I said, okay, 0:11:53.080 --> 0:11:55.160 so you think you're the only person that goes out 0:11:55.200 --> 0:11:57.280 and has to make money, like there's not we don't 0:11:57.280 --> 0:11:59.040 need to have any self awareness to understand how you're 0:11:59.040 --> 0:12:01.560 impacting other people. And her response was, well, I would 0:12:01.559 --> 0:12:03.480 be heartbroken to receive this, So why would I need 0:12:03.480 --> 0:12:05.439 to have somebody else be heartbroken. I don't want to 0:12:05.480 --> 0:12:07.080 deal with this. I don't want to hear something that 0:12:07.080 --> 0:12:09.440 I don't want to hear. And I was like, oh, okay, 0:12:09.520 --> 0:12:12.280 so you're entitled, right, so i'll you can't speak, can't 0:12:12.320 --> 0:12:14.720 say anything because you don't want to hear it. And 0:12:14.760 --> 0:12:17.080 what we see is like we have to remember for 0:12:17.200 --> 0:12:19.840 people to take accountability and ownership of their life, which 0:12:19.880 --> 0:12:21.559 means they would have to take control of their life, 0:12:21.559 --> 0:12:24.440 which means they have to take accountability and ownership, radical 0:12:24.480 --> 0:12:27.200 accountability and ownership of their life. And it's easier to 0:12:27.200 --> 0:12:29.000 stay in the victim mode because in the victim mode 0:12:29.000 --> 0:12:29.800 everything is poor. 0:12:29.840 --> 0:12:30.360 Woe is me? 0:12:30.400 --> 0:12:32.440 See, I don't have control over this, just as my 0:12:32.559 --> 0:12:35.760 bad luck. But that then one you discredit yourself. Two 0:12:35.800 --> 0:12:38.720 you self abandon and three you completely take any power 0:12:38.720 --> 0:12:42.000 away from yourself that you even remotely have because it's easier. 0:12:42.160 --> 0:12:42.960 I'm just gonna say it. 0:12:42.960 --> 0:12:44.760 It's hard to do the work. It's really hard to 0:12:44.800 --> 0:12:47.400 look at yourself and say your fucking part in things. 0:12:47.760 --> 0:12:49.720 But it's also really hard to kind of undo the 0:12:49.760 --> 0:12:51.680 conditioning that we have. Like we live in a world 0:12:51.800 --> 0:12:53.920 of dating now, and I mean it's widely spoken about 0:12:53.960 --> 0:12:56.960 the disposability of it, how easy it is with online 0:12:57.040 --> 0:12:58.880 dating to find a new match and kind of like 0:12:59.000 --> 0:13:02.480 move on from something. And I guess like ghosting now 0:13:02.840 --> 0:13:05.400 is far easier than ghosting back in the well, actually 0:13:05.400 --> 0:13:07.160 maybe not. Maybe ghosting back in the day was like 0:13:07.280 --> 0:13:08.920 I'm not going to call them on the landline, just 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:09.960 don't answer the phone for all. 0:13:10.000 --> 0:13:11.640 Now you don't show up at the pub at five 0:13:11.640 --> 0:13:12.600 pm on Friday when you. 0:13:12.520 --> 0:13:13.040 Were supposed to. 0:13:13.240 --> 0:13:15.439 Yeah, it was like a real legitimate ghosting, whereas now 0:13:15.440 --> 0:13:17.520 we do things like the soft fade, send a really 0:13:17.520 --> 0:13:19.640 half us text and just like leave people in this 0:13:19.760 --> 0:13:22.679 purgatory of relationships for such a long time. But do 0:13:22.720 --> 0:13:25.520 you think that this kind of like ease of dating 0:13:25.920 --> 0:13:30.320 has increased almost like our ease of everything, our conflict avoidance. 0:13:30.480 --> 0:13:32.720 I guess like the best way maybe describing it is 0:13:32.760 --> 0:13:36.400 like not feel discomfort in relationships so that we just 0:13:36.440 --> 0:13:37.960 can kind of move on to the next thing. 0:13:38.559 --> 0:13:41.480 So the reality is right now, it's like anything the 0:13:41.480 --> 0:13:44.480 casino always wins, right, So like dating apps, they're they're made. 0:13:44.559 --> 0:13:46.400 It's a double edged sword for everything that we have 0:13:46.480 --> 0:13:48.200 the Internet, for all of its positives, we have a 0:13:48.240 --> 0:13:50.760 shit ton of negatives. So me personally, I met my 0:13:50.760 --> 0:13:53.840 partner in a dating app, So I understand, Yes, absolutely, 0:13:53.880 --> 0:13:56.760 there is a lot of really really shitty and toxic 0:13:56.840 --> 0:13:59.719 aspects to dating right now. But really where I think 0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:01.240 it goes back is like it's kind of back to 0:14:01.280 --> 0:14:03.199 that it's easier for me to not have to take 0:14:03.200 --> 0:14:05.079 accountability and do work and I can just bop to 0:14:05.120 --> 0:14:07.480 the next, bop to the next. Now when we actually 0:14:07.520 --> 0:14:09.360 strip things back, because I hear this every time every 0:14:09.440 --> 0:14:11.240 day of like it was easier to date back in 0:14:11.240 --> 0:14:13.480 the day, and it's like it was different. I don't 0:14:13.520 --> 0:14:16.160 know about easier, because here's the reality. Back in the day, 0:14:16.200 --> 0:14:18.679 we didn't have the influx of information we have to 0:14:18.760 --> 0:14:22.720 learn about narcissism and avoidance and attachment styles. You just 0:14:22.720 --> 0:14:24.920 had to marry who was in your proximity and timing. Right, 0:14:24.960 --> 0:14:26.240 I'm twenty two, you're twenty two. 0:14:26.280 --> 0:14:26.720 Let's do this. 0:14:26.760 --> 0:14:28.560 Okay, we went on a few dates, we can get married, 0:14:29.000 --> 0:14:31.320 and then we wonder why we are so many generations 0:14:31.360 --> 0:14:33.360 of divorce, divorce, divorce, not happy. 0:14:33.080 --> 0:14:35.080 This person's doing this now. 0:14:35.840 --> 0:14:38.480 I would hope that we would have more flexibility to 0:14:38.560 --> 0:14:41.120 learn about ourselves and to implement this growth, to not 0:14:41.200 --> 0:14:43.720 have a a societal clock on us as women that 0:14:43.760 --> 0:14:45.280 we have to get married at twenty two and have 0:14:45.320 --> 0:14:48.640 a child. But with that freedom the pendulum, with all 0:14:48.680 --> 0:14:50.560 the good, comes the bad as well. And I think 0:14:50.600 --> 0:14:52.800 a lot of people they do see it as well. 0:14:52.800 --> 0:14:55.880 This is just easier. People are commodities, They're disposable to them. 0:14:55.960 --> 0:14:59.560 I deal with the misogyny every day, the red pill ideology, 0:14:59.680 --> 0:15:03.120 this Manno's fear that's starting to become a thing now 0:15:03.160 --> 0:15:07.880 of just this entitlement, frankly speaking, going around that like 0:15:07.920 --> 0:15:09.960 people are what do I owe you? And it's like 0:15:09.960 --> 0:15:12.680 what you owe somebody is your common fucking decency. And 0:15:12.720 --> 0:15:14.800 I think we've lost the art of just basic respect 0:15:14.800 --> 0:15:17.280 when it comes to how we treat other people. And 0:15:17.600 --> 0:15:19.560 all I can say is if you're out there dating 0:15:19.600 --> 0:15:22.480 and experiencing this. We can't control other people. I try 0:15:22.520 --> 0:15:24.280 every day to create content to help, but what we 0:15:24.320 --> 0:15:26.160 can control is how we show up. And what we 0:15:26.200 --> 0:15:28.800 can't control is our reaction to these emotions and to 0:15:28.880 --> 0:15:31.840 these situations. So yeah, if somebody goes to you, feel it, 0:15:31.920 --> 0:15:34.280 morn it, process it, but also recognize that that's on 0:15:34.400 --> 0:15:36.240 them and that is not a representation of you. 0:15:36.760 --> 0:15:37.600 Easier said than done. 0:15:37.600 --> 0:15:39.840 Sure, choose your hard but when it comes to the 0:15:39.880 --> 0:15:42.520 dating landscape, we have to become better buyers. We have 0:15:42.600 --> 0:15:45.560 to be more cognizant and aware there are a plethora 0:15:45.560 --> 0:15:48.360 of people. We have to understand how we're coming off. 0:15:48.520 --> 0:15:50.920 When I met my partner, I understood that he was 0:15:50.920 --> 0:15:53.040 an attractive guy who probably had a million girls, and 0:15:53.080 --> 0:15:54.760 I had five other guys that I was talking to. 0:15:55.160 --> 0:15:56.240 But I showed up. 0:15:56.160 --> 0:15:58.240 So unapologetically because in my mind, I was like, what 0:15:58.280 --> 0:16:01.240 the fuck do I have to lose? By that authenticity 0:16:01.240 --> 0:16:04.160 and real transparency, I allowed someone else to show up 0:16:04.200 --> 0:16:06.280 like that as well and build a solid foundation. 0:16:06.680 --> 0:16:08.560 It took me. I'm thirty four. 0:16:08.600 --> 0:16:10.080 I met him at thirty two, so it took me 0:16:10.160 --> 0:16:12.640 eighteen years of my adult life to meet someone like that. 0:16:12.960 --> 0:16:15.160 But ultimately it took me eighteen years of my adult 0:16:15.200 --> 0:16:17.720 life to meet myself like that. And that's the issue 0:16:17.760 --> 0:16:20.040 is it's a bunch of people running around saying I 0:16:20.080 --> 0:16:21.960 don't know, I just can't find the right person. Yeah, no, 0:16:22.120 --> 0:16:23.720 that's it. I just can't find the right person. And 0:16:23.720 --> 0:16:25.920 it's like, no, you haven't become the right fucking person. 0:16:25.960 --> 0:16:26.800 That's the problem. 0:16:27.640 --> 0:16:30.640 I love the way that you speak about this in 0:16:30.720 --> 0:16:33.360 such a like, okay, cause it is easier to sit 0:16:33.400 --> 0:16:35.240 being the victim, right, It is easier to be like, 0:16:35.480 --> 0:16:38.880 I keep dating these people, relationships never work out. Dating 0:16:38.960 --> 0:16:41.800 is so hard, he woe is me, but it is. 0:16:42.200 --> 0:16:44.320 It's very cutting. And let me tell you, if I 0:16:44.440 --> 0:16:47.800 was where I was six years ago, having this conversation 0:16:47.880 --> 0:16:50.600 with you right now, I would find the truths very 0:16:50.640 --> 0:16:53.320 hard to digest, because when you're in the thick of 0:16:53.360 --> 0:16:56.360 a very bad relationship where that person has done wrong 0:16:56.400 --> 0:16:59.040 by you and you are a victim by what's going 0:16:59.120 --> 0:17:02.160 on in your circumstance, it's so hard to hear someone 0:17:02.160 --> 0:17:04.399 else tell you, well, actually you kind of brought this 0:17:04.480 --> 0:17:06.399 upon yourself a little bit. But now with like the 0:17:06.440 --> 0:17:08.919 beauty of hindsight. Looking back on those moments, I'm like, 0:17:09.119 --> 0:17:12.720 holy shit, I am the problem, and I am the 0:17:12.720 --> 0:17:17.400 common denominator for people who are and maybe they're having 0:17:17.400 --> 0:17:19.919 this moment of realizing that they've got some sort of 0:17:20.000 --> 0:17:23.120 repetition within their relationship, so there might be some sort 0:17:23.119 --> 0:17:26.920 of like patterns. How do people really identify what those 0:17:26.960 --> 0:17:29.480 patterns look like and go okay, no, no, no, I really 0:17:29.520 --> 0:17:32.040 do have this sort of like blueprint that I'm following. 0:17:32.320 --> 0:17:34.560 Even though it's a different guy or a different person, 0:17:35.040 --> 0:17:36.720 it's the same type of relationship. 0:17:36.920 --> 0:17:38.120 How do we recognize that? 0:17:38.640 --> 0:17:41.159 Oh, good old fashioned paper and a pen. That's what 0:17:41.200 --> 0:17:43.480 I did, was like journaling, activate a different part of 0:17:43.480 --> 0:17:46.000 your brain. So if we can start to literally write 0:17:46.040 --> 0:17:48.480 out like, Okay, what are the experiences. 0:17:47.960 --> 0:17:48.800 I've had in dating? 0:17:49.080 --> 0:17:50.879 So for me, prior to all of this, I was 0:17:50.960 --> 0:17:53.200 meeting a bunch of people who only wanted to sleep 0:17:53.240 --> 0:17:56.119 with me. I wasn't being taken seriously. These guys weren't 0:17:56.160 --> 0:17:59.719 ready for commitment. I kept going, Okay, what was their commonalities? 0:18:00.000 --> 0:18:00.520 They were all? 0:18:00.560 --> 0:18:03.160 I was going after super successful guys. I was going 0:18:03.200 --> 0:18:06.640 after the six or four tattooed guys. Okay, so off 0:18:06.640 --> 0:18:09.640 the bat, I'm going they're all emotionally unavailable. They all 0:18:09.640 --> 0:18:12.360 have the same patterns, And what's my common denounor world? 0:18:12.440 --> 0:18:14.800 What do I keep allowing? And that's a good place 0:18:14.800 --> 0:18:17.080 to start. What do I keep allowing? I keep allowing 0:18:17.280 --> 0:18:19.240 this person to tell me one thing but then do another. 0:18:19.440 --> 0:18:22.119 I keep allowing this person to disrespect my boundaries? What 0:18:22.200 --> 0:18:25.760 are my non negotiables? Are my relationships matching my non negotiables. 0:18:26.000 --> 0:18:29.840 It's really about zooming out and being able to collectively look. 0:18:29.840 --> 0:18:32.520 And this is where this is where self awareness comes in, 0:18:32.560 --> 0:18:34.600 because somebody could zoom out and say I don't not 0:18:34.720 --> 0:18:37.800 choosing these people. I just keep meeting them, and it's like, right, 0:18:37.960 --> 0:18:40.880 how are you showing up? None of this is about 0:18:40.880 --> 0:18:43.320 shame or blame. It's about taking ownership of your life. 0:18:43.400 --> 0:18:46.320 And I would never blame anybody for the situations that 0:18:46.320 --> 0:18:47.679 they're in. But what I will say is I will 0:18:47.720 --> 0:18:49.439 hold you accountable for your part in this so that 0:18:49.520 --> 0:18:51.159 you can grow and heal and move forward. 0:18:51.440 --> 0:18:52.240 That's the only way. 0:18:52.520 --> 0:18:55.560 So starting to understand, look at the commonalities, look at 0:18:55.560 --> 0:18:57.439 the last five people that you've date, and tell me 0:18:57.480 --> 0:18:59.240 what they all share. And then start to see the 0:18:59.240 --> 0:19:01.240 common words that you start to see. 0:19:01.640 --> 0:19:02.520 It is so true. 0:19:02.560 --> 0:19:05.040 It's how many times you say, oh, he keeps doing 0:19:05.080 --> 0:19:07.400 this to me, He's treating me like this as well. Well, 0:19:07.400 --> 0:19:09.640 you are actually letting him the fact that you're still there. 0:19:09.960 --> 0:19:11.840 You're allowing him to go and do that behavior, whatever 0:19:11.880 --> 0:19:14.040 it is, and coming back. You've set those boundaries. Whether 0:19:14.040 --> 0:19:17.719 your boundaries have changed and lapsed or are a bit bendy, 0:19:17.840 --> 0:19:20.200 like maybe you're they're a bit malleable, bit too malleable, 0:19:20.240 --> 0:19:22.560 because you don't want to lose that person. At the 0:19:22.640 --> 0:19:24.000 end of the day, it is up to you as 0:19:24.000 --> 0:19:26.560 an individual to say what you are and aren't okay with. 0:19:27.119 --> 0:19:28.760 But I want to go back to sort of talking 0:19:28.800 --> 0:19:31.720 about when we meet someone. It might be wrong, but 0:19:31.760 --> 0:19:34.640 I sort of love the idea of limerence and that 0:19:34.720 --> 0:19:39.080 feeling of like when you initially meet someone, the deep fascination, 0:19:39.400 --> 0:19:44.000 the obsession, that incredible desire that takes over. How do 0:19:44.040 --> 0:19:47.720 you differentiate between the feeling of limerens being negative or 0:19:48.320 --> 0:19:51.280 love bombing or can it turn into a beautiful, positive relationship? 0:19:51.320 --> 0:19:52.600 Because I feel like when I look back to when 0:19:52.600 --> 0:19:55.320 I met my fiance, I think I was in that 0:19:55.359 --> 0:19:57.040 state like we think we both were but it worked 0:19:57.040 --> 0:19:58.880 out really well. But I think a lot of people 0:19:58.960 --> 0:20:02.680 get confused with this toxicity and love bumming totally. 0:20:02.760 --> 0:20:04.600 And I think there's an aspect. 0:20:04.600 --> 0:20:06.600 It's like, it's like looking at alcohol, right, it's not 0:20:06.600 --> 0:20:08.080 a bad if you have one drink. It's bad if 0:20:08.080 --> 0:20:09.560 you have the if you have three bottles. 0:20:09.640 --> 0:20:09.800 Right. 0:20:10.119 --> 0:20:12.720 So it's like, I think we have to also understand ourselves. 0:20:12.880 --> 0:20:15.480 If you go into something and your thought process and 0:20:15.520 --> 0:20:17.040 you have a mindset of hey, if this works out, 0:20:17.080 --> 0:20:18.879 it works out. If it doesn't, that's okay, right, Like 0:20:18.920 --> 0:20:21.760 if you're walking in saying I can handle this, Oh 0:20:21.760 --> 0:20:23.120 my god, daydream all day. 0:20:23.160 --> 0:20:23.920 I don't really care. 0:20:24.080 --> 0:20:27.120 Where it becomes a problem is when I can't eat, 0:20:27.160 --> 0:20:29.280 i can't sleep, I'm just regulated. Why haven't they called me? 0:20:29.320 --> 0:20:31.760 I'm staring at my phone, what's going on? Where are they? 0:20:32.200 --> 0:20:35.720 That's when it becomes obsessive and you're ruminating and spiraling. 0:20:35.920 --> 0:20:37.959 That's when we have to say this is no longer healthy. 0:20:38.280 --> 0:20:41.040 It's the same with butterflies and the sparks. Does it 0:20:41.119 --> 0:20:42.680 work out if you met your partner and you're like 0:20:42.720 --> 0:20:44.080 I felt sparks on the first date and we're in 0:20:44.119 --> 0:20:46.560 a really healthy relationship. It's like, yeah, Hindsight's twenty twenty. 0:20:46.600 --> 0:20:49.240 That sounds like a great about us story. But more 0:20:49.240 --> 0:20:52.560 often than not, the spark has been studied by Harvard 0:20:52.560 --> 0:20:54.400 and by a million plate people to show that it's 0:20:54.400 --> 0:20:56.520 really just a rush of blood to your extremity so 0:20:56.560 --> 0:21:00.520 that you could run for safety. Actually, I know it's 0:21:00.520 --> 0:21:02.880 crazy if you're like somebody that says, oh, it's fine, 0:21:02.880 --> 0:21:04.399 I could feel the spark, but if it doesn't work out, 0:21:04.400 --> 0:21:06.919 that's okay. It's like, then enjoy yourself. But what happens 0:21:06.960 --> 0:21:10.080 is there are people that don't understand moderation. Right, Oh, 0:21:10.160 --> 0:21:11.639 if I don't feel the spark, I won't give this 0:21:11.640 --> 0:21:13.520 person an opportunity. And you're like, yeah, but you don't 0:21:13.520 --> 0:21:15.600 really know this person, you're not giving them a chance. 0:21:16.000 --> 0:21:20.040 So I think an excertain element of excitement and vulnerability 0:21:20.080 --> 0:21:23.360 and transparency is of course that's dating, right, we want 0:21:23.400 --> 0:21:26.159 it's unknown, it's confusing, it's fun, it's sexy, it's all 0:21:26.200 --> 0:21:26.840 of these things. 0:21:27.119 --> 0:21:28.120 But at the end of the day, do. 0:21:28.080 --> 0:21:29.920 You trust yourself that, no matter what, you'll be okay? 0:21:30.480 --> 0:21:32.360 Do you trust yourself that you will make the best 0:21:32.400 --> 0:21:33.639 decision for yourself no matter what. 0:21:33.920 --> 0:21:34.760 That's what I care about. 0:21:34.760 --> 0:21:36.800 We've spoken a lot about this idea that chemistry can 0:21:36.840 --> 0:21:40.240 lie because I absolutely do. I think people confuse they 0:21:40.240 --> 0:21:44.240 confuse chemistry with being an identifier of a great relationship, 0:21:44.680 --> 0:21:47.639 and I think often, well more sometimes more often than not, 0:21:48.040 --> 0:21:51.760 like really overwhelming, chemistry can be an identifier that maybe 0:21:51.800 --> 0:21:53.879 you'll hang on for dear life when a relationship actually 0:21:53.920 --> 0:21:55.240 is really shit and should have let go of it, 0:21:55.240 --> 0:21:57.040 because you're like, but we have all this chemistry, we're 0:21:57.080 --> 0:22:00.359 supposed to be together. Do you think that often people 0:22:00.800 --> 0:22:04.560 fall in love with or they are clinging onto the 0:22:04.600 --> 0:22:07.320 potential of a relationship where they see it could be 0:22:07.359 --> 0:22:09.440 if only we fix this, if I give them one 0:22:09.440 --> 0:22:12.200 more chance, if I thinkive this one thing, the potential 0:22:12.240 --> 0:22:15.119 of what a relationship could be, rather than who the 0:22:15.160 --> 0:22:18.560 person is and how they're showing up in that relationship. 0:22:18.119 --> 0:22:18.879 One hundred percent. 0:22:18.920 --> 0:22:21.119 I think the pendulum swings between that avoidance and that 0:22:21.200 --> 0:22:23.960 anxious scale between either I leave too quick or I 0:22:24.280 --> 0:22:26.520 stay way too long, right, And it's like we have 0:22:26.680 --> 0:22:28.520 kind of those polarities. 0:22:27.880 --> 0:22:30.000 Between the two. And I think at the end of 0:22:30.040 --> 0:22:32.879 the day, I hear it every day. I hear. I 0:22:32.880 --> 0:22:33.280 hear a lot. 0:22:33.359 --> 0:22:35.719 What really makes what breaks my heart is when anybody 0:22:35.760 --> 0:22:39.000 writes and it's like a very clear paragraph that this 0:22:39.040 --> 0:22:42.440 person is treating you like trash, like this is someone 0:22:42.480 --> 0:22:45.639 who is below breadcrumbing, And then I'll see all of this. 0:22:45.960 --> 0:22:48.120 But I love him, and he's amazing in this. 0:22:48.040 --> 0:22:50.800 Person's and so what I first see is this grave 0:22:50.880 --> 0:22:54.119 disconnect between reality and fantasy. And what I see is, okay, no, 0:22:54.240 --> 0:22:55.960 you're projecting what you'd like him to be. 0:22:56.640 --> 0:22:57.240 I love to know. 0:22:57.359 --> 0:22:59.040 My first thing I'll ask is, I'm like, maybe five 0:22:59.080 --> 0:23:01.359 things that make him these equalities that you just listed, 0:23:01.600 --> 0:23:04.800 And more often than not, I'll get uh uh, well 0:23:04.840 --> 0:23:06.800 in the beginning, it's like that doesn't count. No, no, no, no, 0:23:06.840 --> 0:23:08.360 I didn't ask you in the beginning. How they were 0:23:08.400 --> 0:23:10.560 who they are today? What makes them thoughtful, what makes 0:23:10.600 --> 0:23:12.320 them compassionate, what makes them empathetic? 0:23:12.480 --> 0:23:14.439 What makes them feel like that's your the love of 0:23:14.480 --> 0:23:14.840 your life. 0:23:15.320 --> 0:23:18.199 It's a feeling, but I need facts to back that up, 0:23:18.240 --> 0:23:20.639 that their behavior is actually what we say it is. 0:23:21.040 --> 0:23:23.000 And so I see that kind of either, like I said, 0:23:23.000 --> 0:23:25.359 the pendulum will swing either the minute there's a trigger. 0:23:25.400 --> 0:23:28.000 It's I can't handle this I'm leaving or this like 0:23:28.320 --> 0:23:29.480 people pleasing martyr. 0:23:29.520 --> 0:23:30.399 I'll stay as long. 0:23:30.280 --> 0:23:33.840 As I need because, let's be honest, we got fucked 0:23:33.840 --> 0:23:36.679 as children when you think about like Backstreet Boys and 0:23:36.720 --> 0:23:38.800 in Sync and all of this stuff that they told us, 0:23:38.800 --> 0:23:40.119 And I'm like, you lie to me. 0:23:40.520 --> 0:23:43.720 We're blaming en Sync. All my problems are en Sync. 0:23:44.400 --> 0:23:46.919 But no, I so agree with this idea of like 0:23:47.119 --> 0:23:49.120 the fear of leaving too soon. I think a lot 0:23:49.119 --> 0:23:51.400 of people who is stay is. And there's obviously many 0:23:51.400 --> 0:23:54.000 different types of how people show up in relationships, but 0:23:54.080 --> 0:23:57.159 there are people who stayas who will stay far longer 0:23:57.359 --> 0:23:59.280 for the fear of checking out too early, for the 0:23:59.280 --> 0:24:01.320 fear of but it could have gotten better. So I'm 0:24:01.320 --> 0:24:04.080 gonna just stick it out and stay. And I guess 0:24:04.119 --> 0:24:07.000 like it's really hard for some people to differentiate. Okay, 0:24:07.000 --> 0:24:08.919 when is it time to leave? And we get this 0:24:09.000 --> 0:24:11.240 question that comes in across ask. We do ask and cut, 0:24:11.560 --> 0:24:14.439 and it's like, exactly what you said, this person is 0:24:14.600 --> 0:24:16.560 ideally the person I want to be with. But when 0:24:16.560 --> 0:24:18.320 you actually write it all down and you unpack it, 0:24:18.359 --> 0:24:20.159 you're like, oh, they're actually a terrible person. 0:24:20.240 --> 0:24:21.920 But I think what you need to think about is like, 0:24:22.000 --> 0:24:25.800 let's make this really simple. Somebody's potential in a relationship 0:24:26.080 --> 0:24:29.720 is fiction. It's a story. It's not real, it doesn't 0:24:29.720 --> 0:24:31.560 exist yet. It's a story you have made up in 0:24:31.600 --> 0:24:33.880 your head of what it could potentially look like. It's 0:24:33.880 --> 0:24:36.600 like a finish your own ending on a storybook. You 0:24:36.720 --> 0:24:38.320 do have to sit in the moment and be like, well, 0:24:38.320 --> 0:24:39.920 if they're not showing up now and they haven't shown 0:24:40.000 --> 0:24:43.440 up in the past, I'm spoiler probably not going to 0:24:43.440 --> 0:24:44.320 show up in the future. 0:24:44.560 --> 0:24:44.960 Oh yeah. 0:24:45.000 --> 0:24:46.520 I always like to look at what is not what 0:24:46.600 --> 0:24:49.320 if right, Like what are you actually dealing with? 0:24:49.520 --> 0:24:51.520 Not what if this? I hear that, but what if this? 0:24:51.600 --> 0:24:53.760 And what if this? It's like, here's the thing. 0:24:53.960 --> 0:24:55.840 If it was what if, then you wouldn't have the 0:24:55.880 --> 0:24:57.800 issues I suspect to my mom all the time. 0:24:57.800 --> 0:24:59.359 They'd be like, but but what if he did this? 0:24:59.400 --> 0:25:00.760 And my mom was sa if he did that, we 0:25:00.760 --> 0:25:04.200 wouldn't be having this conversation Sabrina. And it's just about 0:25:04.240 --> 0:25:07.000 having that reality of like, oh shit, yeah, because then 0:25:07.000 --> 0:25:08.480 what I also like to look at is a couple 0:25:08.520 --> 0:25:10.440 of things when we were talking about relationships. One, do 0:25:10.480 --> 0:25:11.280 you see progress? 0:25:11.480 --> 0:25:11.680 Right? 0:25:12.040 --> 0:25:14.800 Do you actually see progress in your relationship. Does this 0:25:14.840 --> 0:25:17.000 person make me feel seen, heard and understood if I 0:25:17.080 --> 0:25:19.199 go to them and express myself, hey, this really bothered me. 0:25:19.240 --> 0:25:20.760 Do they say, hey, thank you for letting me know. 0:25:20.800 --> 0:25:22.840 Can we talk about this? Or do they dismiss me, 0:25:22.920 --> 0:25:25.960 discredit me, bring me down? What's happening in my body? 0:25:26.200 --> 0:25:29.080 How do I feel in my physical body when I'm 0:25:29.119 --> 0:25:31.520 with this person? Am I always feeling disregulated? Do I 0:25:31.600 --> 0:25:33.640 feel like I never know if they're gonna leave me? Right? 0:25:33.680 --> 0:25:36.880 We see, especially with like that limerence and attachment, the 0:25:36.920 --> 0:25:38.960 grave difference between when you're with them and when you're not. 0:25:39.200 --> 0:25:41.080 When you're with them, oh my god, everything's amazing, and 0:25:41.080 --> 0:25:43.119 then when they're not, it's like the end of the world. 0:25:43.119 --> 0:25:43.960 It's deaf con one. 0:25:44.560 --> 0:25:46.000 And then kind of the last thing that we look 0:25:46.040 --> 0:25:48.760 at here is do you have conflict? But more importantly 0:25:48.760 --> 0:25:49.439 do you have repair? 0:25:50.040 --> 0:25:50.240 Right? 0:25:50.280 --> 0:25:53.800 Because conflict is normal, right, Like britt, you know you're engaged, 0:25:53.840 --> 0:25:56.520 you're gonna have issues with your partner, You're gonna have 0:25:56.520 --> 0:25:58.800 times where you're like, I'm gonna fucking kill you. But 0:25:58.920 --> 0:26:01.399 what's the repair life? That is how we start to 0:26:01.440 --> 0:26:03.480 see that's intimacy. 0:26:03.040 --> 0:26:08.520 It's sexy, they're so fucking hot. Oh my god, it's 0:26:08.560 --> 0:26:10.160 like you pissed me off. I pissed you off. 0:26:10.160 --> 0:26:13.040 I'm so sorry, thank you for listening to me. Now 0:26:13.080 --> 0:26:15.720 we rectify because then but like you know, kind of, Laura, 0:26:15.760 --> 0:26:17.760 what you were saying is like when you have those 0:26:17.800 --> 0:26:20.040 relationships where you're like, oh, we break up, get back together, 0:26:20.040 --> 0:26:22.560 break up, get back together. It's like we consistently have conflict, 0:26:22.600 --> 0:26:25.440 but we don't have repair because you don't actually feel safe. 0:26:25.480 --> 0:26:27.760 And I would beg to ask anybody if they're thinking 0:26:27.760 --> 0:26:31.200 about their relationship. I ask myself this question, how old 0:26:31.240 --> 0:26:33.840 do I feel? Right? So, if I'm with this person 0:26:33.880 --> 0:26:35.479 and I'm like, god, I always feel like I'm a 0:26:35.480 --> 0:26:38.680 fucking child. I always feel like I'm seven around this person, 0:26:38.680 --> 0:26:40.600 It's like, great, what happened? Then, Oh that's how my 0:26:40.680 --> 0:26:42.680 dad was. He would be really discrediting of me. It's 0:26:42.680 --> 0:26:44.320 like great. So then you are just going back into 0:26:44.320 --> 0:26:46.640 your MiG delibrain and you're acting like a child now, 0:26:46.800 --> 0:26:49.600 and you're coming from that space as opposed to understanding 0:26:49.640 --> 0:26:52.080 that you're an adult. You're no longer having to choose 0:26:52.200 --> 0:26:54.600 just your parents or nothing. You're not dating mom or 0:26:54.640 --> 0:26:57.000 dad you get to now choose from a plethora of people, 0:26:57.160 --> 0:26:59.320 and if this doesn't work, you're not going to be abandoned. 0:26:59.760 --> 0:27:02.280 This this is fear of being alone. 0:27:02.480 --> 0:27:04.639 And that's why a lot of people monkey branch to relationships. 0:27:04.720 --> 0:27:06.760 They say in a relationship they don't want because they 0:27:06.760 --> 0:27:09.400 don't want to be alone. Maybe that's subconsciously or maybe 0:27:09.440 --> 0:27:12.440 it's conscious. What do you think is the best advice 0:27:12.480 --> 0:27:14.680 for someone that knows they're in that space, they know 0:27:14.880 --> 0:27:17.040 they don't know how to be in their own company? 0:27:17.359 --> 0:27:19.199 Oh, start to ask yourself the questions, what am I 0:27:19.200 --> 0:27:21.560 so scared of? What am I afraid of happening if 0:27:21.560 --> 0:27:23.800 I spend time alone? What am I afraid happening if 0:27:23.840 --> 0:27:26.119 I if I leave this relationship? What am I afraid 0:27:26.160 --> 0:27:29.400 of happening if I don't meet somebody else? Right, then 0:27:29.400 --> 0:27:31.560 we can start to understand, Oh, I'm scared no one 0:27:31.640 --> 0:27:33.200 is ever going to choose me. Okay, So your core 0:27:33.240 --> 0:27:35.879 belief is that you're not good enough to be chosen, right, Okay, 0:27:35.920 --> 0:27:37.359 So that's where we're operating from. 0:27:37.520 --> 0:27:39.879 Now. Is this person adding to or exacerbating that? 0:27:40.000 --> 0:27:42.000 Right? Are they helping you to heal through this or 0:27:42.040 --> 0:27:44.760 are they adding to your bullshit and to your narrative, 0:27:45.200 --> 0:27:46.960 and we kind of really have to look at are 0:27:46.960 --> 0:27:49.360 you healing through this or are you hurting yourself more? 0:27:49.400 --> 0:27:52.600 Because again, when we see that of you know, oftentimes 0:27:52.600 --> 0:27:54.359 of like, oh I love them so much, I can't 0:27:54.440 --> 0:27:56.520 leave what I usually ask because I'm like, where'd you 0:27:56.600 --> 0:27:58.639 learn that behavior from? Did you see your mother martyr 0:27:58.640 --> 0:28:01.280 herself and never set a bound because everything was about 0:28:01.280 --> 0:28:03.359 the love of your family. Did you learn at a 0:28:03.359 --> 0:28:05.120 young age that if you set a boundary with someone 0:28:05.200 --> 0:28:07.080 or express a need that that would potentially mean you 0:28:07.119 --> 0:28:09.320 lost your caregiver or they would leave or walk out 0:28:09.480 --> 0:28:12.320 or dismiss you, whatever the case might be. What we 0:28:12.359 --> 0:28:14.480 really want to look at is what's happening in my body? 0:28:14.520 --> 0:28:16.679 What are the sensations? What does this remind me of? 0:28:17.040 --> 0:28:20.480 Because far too often, especially if it's the I love them, 0:28:20.560 --> 0:28:23.240 I just don't know and all that when there's that uncertainty, 0:28:23.680 --> 0:28:25.880 what we're doing is if we focus on them, it's 0:28:25.920 --> 0:28:27.600 easier for us to focus on them than it is 0:28:27.640 --> 0:28:29.720 to focus on ourselves. If I can focus on why 0:28:29.720 --> 0:28:31.720 they didn't choose me, I don't have to look at 0:28:31.760 --> 0:28:34.200 what about me feels that I need this person? 0:28:34.240 --> 0:28:34.720 To choose me. 0:28:36.080 --> 0:28:38.160 Speaking of feelings, though, I mean, I think that that's 0:28:38.200 --> 0:28:41.720 what so many people make their relationship decisions around, right, 0:28:41.760 --> 0:28:44.280 It's how I feel about this person. That's how I 0:28:44.360 --> 0:28:46.760 feel about the relationship. It's not about the facts of 0:28:46.800 --> 0:28:47.600 the relationship. 0:28:48.040 --> 0:28:49.040 How do you marry that? 0:28:49.160 --> 0:28:51.160 And I guess, like how much of it might be 0:28:51.160 --> 0:28:52.840 hard to kind of put this in a percentage, but like, 0:28:53.120 --> 0:28:56.160 how many of our relationship decisions should be based on 0:28:56.200 --> 0:28:59.200 the way we feel about our relationship, like intuitively feel 0:28:59.600 --> 0:29:02.880 versus the facts of what is happening within the relationship, 0:29:02.880 --> 0:29:04.920 because it kind of still has to be a bit of. 0:29:04.880 --> 0:29:07.960 Both totally, and that there would be contingent upon a 0:29:07.960 --> 0:29:10.840 person that trusts their intuition because oftentimes I get but 0:29:10.880 --> 0:29:11.680 that's how I feel, like. 0:29:11.720 --> 0:29:12.720 I'll give you an example. 0:29:12.960 --> 0:29:15.120 One of my clients was on this trip with this 0:29:15.160 --> 0:29:17.040 guy and he made a comment and like, when I 0:29:17.080 --> 0:29:19.000 heard the comment, it didn't impact me. 0:29:19.040 --> 0:29:20.719 I was just like, Okay, it triggered her. 0:29:20.760 --> 0:29:23.040 She completely shut down and she was just messaging me, 0:29:23.080 --> 0:29:24.040 I'm fucking done. 0:29:24.160 --> 0:29:25.880 I'm done. I don't want to feel this way. 0:29:26.160 --> 0:29:27.440 And I had to stop her and I said, who 0:29:27.440 --> 0:29:30.320 WHOA WHOA? Like what is happening here? The pinch doesn't 0:29:30.360 --> 0:29:32.720 match the ouch. This person made one comment and you 0:29:32.760 --> 0:29:35.320 are ready to walk out. So then what we have 0:29:35.360 --> 0:29:37.560 to look at is like, that's not your intuition, you 0:29:37.600 --> 0:29:40.120 know that's that's your anxiety. That's not intuition, that's trying 0:29:40.120 --> 0:29:42.680 to protect you. Oh I'm so hurt. Fuck this person. 0:29:43.120 --> 0:29:44.160 So then we have to look and go. 0:29:44.120 --> 0:29:46.880 Okay, you're running away, you're not actually facing it. Versus 0:29:47.120 --> 0:29:48.960 if I face it head on and go, oh shit, 0:29:49.160 --> 0:29:51.440 that person actually didn't say anything inappropriate. That really just 0:29:51.480 --> 0:29:53.400 triggered me and felt like a six year old. You 0:29:53.440 --> 0:29:55.120 know what, I need to communicate with this person and 0:29:55.160 --> 0:29:56.960 have a conversation so I can show up and talk 0:29:57.000 --> 0:29:58.880 to them. So one, we need to be able to 0:29:58.960 --> 0:30:02.480 understand our own intuition. Then if I say something, then 0:30:02.480 --> 0:30:04.320 my next question is, Okay, if I have this feeling, 0:30:04.360 --> 0:30:06.200 what are the facts to back that feeling up. So 0:30:06.240 --> 0:30:09.680 it's a DBT practice is challenge your thoughts, right, give 0:30:09.720 --> 0:30:11.160 me the facts. If I'm a judge and I am 0:30:11.160 --> 0:30:13.040 in the jury, I'm going to give you a million dollars, 0:30:13.040 --> 0:30:14.840 but you got to prove this. So if I prove 0:30:15.000 --> 0:30:18.000 he didn't text me today because he doesn't like me? Okay, 0:30:18.000 --> 0:30:19.720 where are the facts to back that up? I don't 0:30:19.720 --> 0:30:22.240 have any. That's not your intuition. That is your anxiety 0:30:22.560 --> 0:30:24.880 versus he told me he was gonna call me at 0:30:24.920 --> 0:30:26.840 six o'clock and it's been three days since I heard him. 0:30:26.960 --> 0:30:28.560 Those are the facts to back up that there is 0:30:28.600 --> 0:30:31.400 a shift in by dynamic and this person hasn't contacted 0:30:31.440 --> 0:30:33.960 me that way, we can then start to blend the 0:30:34.000 --> 0:30:37.560 world between is my intuition guiding me? Because typically what 0:30:37.600 --> 0:30:40.680 comes with intuition is it's a positive thought process because 0:30:40.720 --> 0:30:43.680 it's trying to help and serve you. So, for instance, hey, 0:30:43.800 --> 0:30:47.640 I deserve better than this. That felt disrespectful versus. Anxiety 0:30:47.680 --> 0:30:50.640 comes with a body sensation. So your body starts to manifest, 0:30:50.640 --> 0:30:53.160 you sweat, you start to your your neck starts to crumble, 0:30:53.440 --> 0:30:54.720 you get a stomach ache, your. 0:30:55.000 --> 0:30:55.840 Heart starts to raise. 0:30:55.960 --> 0:30:59.040 And typically speaking, an anxiety thought is a negative thought. 0:30:59.240 --> 0:31:00.480 What am I not going to at enough? Am I 0:31:00.520 --> 0:31:03.800 not worthy? It's an attack against yourself. So that right 0:31:03.840 --> 0:31:05.480 there is where we can stop and go, Wait a minute, 0:31:05.560 --> 0:31:07.880 I attacking myself? Then this isn't my intuition, This is 0:31:07.880 --> 0:31:10.440 more my anxiety trying to protect me from something, and 0:31:10.480 --> 0:31:12.240 then we can start to understand what are the facts 0:31:12.240 --> 0:31:14.080 of the relationship, Because at the end of the day, 0:31:14.360 --> 0:31:17.080 I could feel all of the feelings about my partner, 0:31:17.120 --> 0:31:19.080 but if I don't have facts to back up these feelings, 0:31:19.080 --> 0:31:20.880 then I'm fucking delusional, is what I am? Right? 0:31:20.960 --> 0:31:23.720 The cycle of seeking validation from relationships like that is 0:31:23.760 --> 0:31:26.479 where you are getting your self worth from. And we're 0:31:26.480 --> 0:31:29.040 speaking about self awareness a lot, but for a lot 0:31:29.040 --> 0:31:31.800 of people it's this like sense of worthiness that they're 0:31:31.840 --> 0:31:36.880 getting from their relationships. How do we acknowledge that, recognize it, 0:31:37.200 --> 0:31:41.400 and move focus from something that is like more meaningful 0:31:41.480 --> 0:31:43.240 to get our own self validation from? 0:31:43.880 --> 0:31:45.520 So when it comes from so, I mean, listen, I 0:31:45.560 --> 0:31:49.160 was the poster child for seeking external validation and it 0:31:49.200 --> 0:31:51.040 was the when this then this, you're right, Oh, when 0:31:51.040 --> 0:31:53.080 I lose twenty pounds, then I'm going to be happy. 0:31:53.120 --> 0:31:55.600 When I get the partner, then I'll be good. And 0:31:55.640 --> 0:31:57.400 what you start to realize it's like it's an endless 0:31:57.400 --> 0:31:59.600 pit of needs because nobody is ever going to be 0:31:59.600 --> 0:32:03.520 able to say that. Now, the seeking of external validation really, 0:32:03.560 --> 0:32:05.440 where does it? How do you actually stop it? Welcome 0:32:05.440 --> 0:32:07.400 to doing the work right. We have to start to 0:32:07.480 --> 0:32:10.040 understand what part of me, Like I'm big on, it's 0:32:10.240 --> 0:32:13.680 called parts work, if anyone's familiar with internal family systems, 0:32:13.880 --> 0:32:16.000 and it's like a type of therapy, and so we 0:32:16.040 --> 0:32:17.600 look at we have a million parts of us, and 0:32:17.640 --> 0:32:20.360 so what part of me is seeking that external validation? 0:32:20.880 --> 0:32:23.680 The little girl in me I feel like I'm seventeen again. Man, 0:32:23.760 --> 0:32:26.920 she's this emo teenager and you're like, fuck, okay. At 0:32:26.920 --> 0:32:29.160 that time, I really felt really dismissed by a lot 0:32:29.160 --> 0:32:31.600 of people. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. And 0:32:31.640 --> 0:32:33.640 then it's like, okay, well, how can I like what 0:32:33.760 --> 0:32:35.720 is that little version of me need right now? She 0:32:35.800 --> 0:32:37.560 needs me to validate her and let her know like 0:32:37.640 --> 0:32:39.200 I accept you and I love you as you are, 0:32:39.200 --> 0:32:42.160 and I choose you. And then by doing that, that's 0:32:42.160 --> 0:32:44.040 how you build that confidence of like, yes, I can 0:32:44.120 --> 0:32:46.600 validate my own emotions. I do actually need that. But 0:32:46.680 --> 0:32:49.400 when you're so caught up an external external you're not 0:32:49.440 --> 0:32:52.680 actually internally validating shit. You're just waiting for other people 0:32:52.680 --> 0:32:54.240 to let you know it's okay for you to live 0:32:54.240 --> 0:32:54.800 your life. 0:32:55.400 --> 0:32:57.400 You speak a little about doing the inn a work 0:32:57.960 --> 0:32:59.960 before you get into a relationship, and maybe that being 0:33:00.120 --> 0:33:02.880 like a foundation of having a healthy relationship. But someone 0:33:02.960 --> 0:33:05.760 that's stuck right now, literally, what does doing the N 0:33:05.880 --> 0:33:06.480 work look like? 0:33:07.360 --> 0:33:09.160 Oh, if you're stuck right now, what it means is 0:33:09.160 --> 0:33:12.080 a micro yes. And so my friend Britt Frank, she's 0:33:12.080 --> 0:33:14.240 a brilliant neuropsychotherapist, and her book is called The Signs 0:33:14.280 --> 0:33:17.200 of Stuck, and her whole thing is like when you're stuck, 0:33:17.240 --> 0:33:20.080 because typically that's torn between like I'm scared to make 0:33:20.120 --> 0:33:21.840 a move, I don't trust myself, I don't know what 0:33:21.920 --> 0:33:22.200 to do. 0:33:22.440 --> 0:33:24.600 Nothing feels like it's working. Right, we get into this 0:33:24.680 --> 0:33:25.520 like loop bluploop. 0:33:25.880 --> 0:33:28.920 The best way is to one understand that it's not 0:33:28.960 --> 0:33:31.720 gonna happen overnight. It's gonna take you a minute for 0:33:31.840 --> 0:33:34.280 these processes and these steps to take place. So off 0:33:34.320 --> 0:33:36.240 the bat, it's like a breakup. You gotta know it's 0:33:36.240 --> 0:33:37.160 gonna fucking suck, right. 0:33:37.720 --> 0:33:38.520 But then the. 0:33:38.520 --> 0:33:41.760 Second part of here is make micro yeses so insultingly 0:33:41.880 --> 0:33:44.400 small that you almost feel like you want to hit 0:33:44.440 --> 0:33:46.840 me because they're so ridiculous. And so if that means 0:33:46.880 --> 0:33:48.959 that you're like, I don't do shit, I don't have 0:33:49.000 --> 0:33:51.200 many mindfulness. Okay, well I wouldn't expect you to go 0:33:51.240 --> 0:33:53.800 from nothing to meditating for thirty minutes. So if you 0:33:53.840 --> 0:33:56.400 feel stuck, it's like, okay, envision the version of you 0:33:56.480 --> 0:33:58.680 that you want to be. She's all of these amazing things. 0:33:59.040 --> 0:34:01.440 For today, what's in my control that I could do 0:34:01.520 --> 0:34:03.400 one thing to get to that point? So if the 0:34:03.440 --> 0:34:06.000 future me is super communicative and then now me is 0:34:06.040 --> 0:34:08.680 super emotionally unavailable, then maybe what I would look at 0:34:08.719 --> 0:34:11.000 here is like I'd like to get curious about where 0:34:11.000 --> 0:34:12.920 did I learn this from? Okay, so I'm going to 0:34:13.040 --> 0:34:15.600 journal on it. That's it for today, and then tomorrow 0:34:15.640 --> 0:34:17.440 I put the journal on my table, and then the 0:34:17.480 --> 0:34:19.040 next day I put the pen next to it, and 0:34:19.080 --> 0:34:21.640 then the next day I write a sentence. Make it small, 0:34:21.680 --> 0:34:23.879 because what you're doing is you're allowing your nervous system 0:34:23.960 --> 0:34:26.920 to become comfortable with this, but you're also showing yourself 0:34:26.960 --> 0:34:27.680 when I make up. 0:34:27.719 --> 0:34:29.359 When I say I'm going to do something, I show 0:34:29.440 --> 0:34:30.160 up and I do it. 0:34:30.360 --> 0:34:32.680 Because it's like New Year's resolutions, when we go from 0:34:32.760 --> 0:34:34.400 zero to one hundred and all of a sudden, you're like, 0:34:34.400 --> 0:34:36.880 oh fuck, I couldn't maintain that, but we have to 0:34:36.920 --> 0:34:39.839 make them so small that if you know my goal 0:34:39.960 --> 0:34:41.560 is this, I know it's going to take me a minute, 0:34:41.600 --> 0:34:43.480 But for today, what can I do? I could go 0:34:43.480 --> 0:34:46.319 on a walk for two minutes, I'll do that. We 0:34:46.480 --> 0:34:49.359 have to start somewhere. Rome wasn't built in a day. 0:34:49.440 --> 0:34:53.120 How should a healthy relationship feel? And for someone who 0:34:53.160 --> 0:34:56.000 has been attracted to that toxicity and that sort of 0:34:56.040 --> 0:34:59.799 like rollercoaster high, will it be boring? Is that the 0:35:00.040 --> 0:35:04.160 expectation that should be had comparatively? 0:35:04.200 --> 0:35:06.240 Of course it will be because that's your nervous system. 0:35:06.560 --> 0:35:08.480 So what these people are saying is when I want 0:35:08.480 --> 0:35:10.080 the high highs and low lows. It's like, so you 0:35:10.120 --> 0:35:12.759 like dysregulation, you like always knowing when am I going 0:35:12.800 --> 0:35:14.719 to be safe? When am I gonna have it next? Right? 0:35:15.000 --> 0:35:16.839 When's the tiger going to come back into my room 0:35:16.880 --> 0:35:19.319 and kill me this time? So your body is used 0:35:19.320 --> 0:35:21.000 to that. I was so used to that because I 0:35:21.000 --> 0:35:22.920 grew up in that household. I grew up in that 0:35:23.040 --> 0:35:25.680 environment where you never knew what safety meant, You never 0:35:25.760 --> 0:35:27.400 knew who was gonna hit you or ye leave or 0:35:27.480 --> 0:35:28.280 yell or whatever. 0:35:28.680 --> 0:35:31.319 So for me, that was normal. The nice guy. 0:35:31.719 --> 0:35:33.319 You know, we also have to remember too, not only 0:35:33.360 --> 0:35:35.240 is it your nervous system, uni also your core beliefs, 0:35:35.280 --> 0:35:37.600 because if the nice guy comes to you, not only 0:35:37.640 --> 0:35:40.880 do I have to say, wait a minute, you actually 0:35:40.960 --> 0:35:42.879 like me, so you accept me from who I am? 0:35:43.000 --> 0:35:45.600 You think I'm amazing, because then that goes against my 0:35:45.600 --> 0:35:48.480 core beliefs of so there's nothing wrong with me. I 0:35:48.840 --> 0:35:51.840 am worthy and deserving of love, no no thanks, And 0:35:51.880 --> 0:35:53.839 so oftentimes we'll push that away. Like when I met 0:35:53.840 --> 0:35:55.880 my partner. Yeah, I was bored because I was like, 0:35:55.920 --> 0:35:58.359 he's super predictable. He would call me every other day 0:35:58.440 --> 0:36:00.759 or he'd send make a plan. But it wasn't born 0:36:00.800 --> 0:36:02.919 in a negative way. It felt for the first time, 0:36:03.080 --> 0:36:05.719 I felt calm, I felt safe. I didn't have to 0:36:05.800 --> 0:36:08.560 question where I was going. Because when you're so used 0:36:08.600 --> 0:36:10.360 to the toxicity, when you really start to do the 0:36:10.400 --> 0:36:14.040 work and you heal those parts of you that enjoyed dysregulation, 0:36:14.600 --> 0:36:17.200 then all of a sudden, you want nothing more than 0:36:17.360 --> 0:36:21.520 calm and peace because it feels like such a big dichotomy. 0:36:21.719 --> 0:36:23.400 So it's okay if you're still out there saying, but 0:36:23.440 --> 0:36:25.160 I want the spark and I want the high highs 0:36:25.160 --> 0:36:27.000 and low lows. All I would have to say is 0:36:27.080 --> 0:36:29.760 start doing some nervous system work. Understand your nervous system, 0:36:29.760 --> 0:36:32.040 befriend it. Understand how you feel when you're with these people. 0:36:32.040 --> 0:36:34.120 How do you feel when you're not? What happens the narrative? 0:36:34.160 --> 0:36:36.160 What are the core beliefs that you're reaffirming by dating 0:36:36.200 --> 0:36:39.920 these people? Because then we can start to say this 0:36:40.040 --> 0:36:41.560 is what I want, this is what I deserve. But 0:36:41.600 --> 0:36:43.520 you actually have to fucking believe that this is what 0:36:43.560 --> 0:36:45.400 you deserve. And my mama has been saying that to 0:36:45.400 --> 0:36:46.960 me for years. Be careful what you wish for, because 0:36:47.040 --> 0:36:47.920 when you get it, what are you. 0:36:47.840 --> 0:36:48.400 Going to do with it? 0:36:49.160 --> 0:36:49.680 SABRAINA. 0:36:49.719 --> 0:36:51.480 A really common question we get here at life un 0:36:51.520 --> 0:36:54.200 Cut is the age old question. How do you know 0:36:54.239 --> 0:36:56.239 when you should leave a relationship? How do you know 0:36:56.280 --> 0:36:58.760 when it's run its course and it is no longer 0:36:59.120 --> 0:37:02.480 worthy of your time and worthy of your energy to continue? 0:37:02.719 --> 0:37:05.200 So the age old question when should you leave a relationship? 0:37:05.400 --> 0:37:07.279 And I think what it really comes down to is 0:37:07.320 --> 0:37:09.920 when you no longer feel what you're growing personally and 0:37:10.000 --> 0:37:11.719 as a couple. Right, So if you start to look 0:37:11.760 --> 0:37:13.759 and say I don't feel seen heard, and understood. I 0:37:13.840 --> 0:37:16.280 don't feel like my partner validates me. They're not willing 0:37:16.320 --> 0:37:18.800 to put the work in. Julie Menino is one of 0:37:18.840 --> 0:37:23.000 my favorite marriage family therapists, and she and I were 0:37:23.040 --> 0:37:25.359 talking about this, and she said, the one thing that 0:37:25.400 --> 0:37:26.959 you need to look for in a partner is someone 0:37:26.960 --> 0:37:28.560 that is willing to grow with you and is willing 0:37:28.600 --> 0:37:30.120 to put the work in no matter what. Because if 0:37:30.160 --> 0:37:32.160 you have a partner that says, no matter what, we'll 0:37:32.200 --> 0:37:35.239 get through this. Both people invested in that, you can 0:37:35.280 --> 0:37:37.480 actually make this work. But when one person is checked 0:37:37.520 --> 0:37:40.160 out or when you start to see, wait a minute, 0:37:40.200 --> 0:37:42.319 I'm not being validated, I'm not being heard, my needs 0:37:42.320 --> 0:37:43.120 aren't being met. 0:37:43.480 --> 0:37:45.200 That is the clearest indication of five. 0:37:45.239 --> 0:37:48.080 Maybe have a conversation, but if you don't see progress, 0:37:48.320 --> 0:37:50.680 then we have to call it a day again, conflict 0:37:50.719 --> 0:37:54.280 and repair. Are we building? Are we progressing? Are we growing? 0:37:54.320 --> 0:37:57.600 Are we co creating a life together? Or have I 0:37:57.719 --> 0:38:00.520 completely gone on my own journey and just not grown 0:38:00.560 --> 0:38:03.400 with this person and grown outside of them. It's something 0:38:03.440 --> 0:38:06.120 that it's a hard decision, right And it's one of 0:38:06.120 --> 0:38:07.800 those things too that when we look and say. 0:38:07.640 --> 0:38:08.640 Okay, if I were to look. 0:38:08.680 --> 0:38:11.200 And also I would ask if this was your friend's relationship, 0:38:11.320 --> 0:38:13.080 would you be telling them to stay with this and 0:38:13.080 --> 0:38:15.400 fight no matter what, or would you be telling them, Yo, dude, 0:38:15.440 --> 0:38:16.840 when the fuck are you going to realize that this 0:38:16.880 --> 0:38:19.759 person's not healthy for you? Because is this what you 0:38:19.800 --> 0:38:20.560 want and deserve? 0:38:20.680 --> 0:38:23.640 Is this what you need? But also do you feel fulfilled? 0:38:24.120 --> 0:38:26.560 Sabrina, thank you so much for coming and being a 0:38:26.560 --> 0:38:29.000 part of the pod. I appreciate the hard truth so much, 0:38:29.080 --> 0:38:31.640 And like I said earlier, I think when you in it, 0:38:31.640 --> 0:38:35.000 it is very hard to digest the realities of the 0:38:35.000 --> 0:38:35.719 way that you may be. 0:38:35.719 --> 0:38:37.680 Showing up in your relationship. Like it takes time. 0:38:37.719 --> 0:38:40.520 And for anyone who's listening to this, who's like, maybe 0:38:40.520 --> 0:38:42.359 I am the problem, but I didn't want to fucking 0:38:42.400 --> 0:38:45.280 hear that, give yourself grace that that takes time. 0:38:45.239 --> 0:38:47.719 Have compassion for yourself, Have grace for yourself. This is 0:38:47.719 --> 0:38:49.920 a journey. It is never going to be That's why listen, 0:38:49.920 --> 0:38:52.440 we choose our heart right every day waking up and 0:38:52.480 --> 0:38:54.759 going through the world is really fucking tough, but we 0:38:54.920 --> 0:38:57.760 choose where we put that energy. And there's nothing different 0:38:57.800 --> 0:39:00.600 here for anybody. Wherever you're aut on your journey. These 0:39:00.640 --> 0:39:03.000 are just some roadmaps and some tools to be able 0:39:03.040 --> 0:39:04.759 to interject into your life. But at the end of 0:39:04.760 --> 0:39:06.880 the day, coming home to yourself is the most beautiful 0:39:06.920 --> 0:39:10.120 exploration you'll ever do, and I could not encourage everybody 0:39:10.440 --> 0:39:12.520 more than to do that. Whether it's because you're going 0:39:12.560 --> 0:39:14.200 to meet a partner or not, it doesn't really matter. 0:39:14.600 --> 0:39:17.200 You are the longest relationship you'll ever have. So thank 0:39:17.239 --> 0:39:19.600 you guys for allowing me and having me on, and 0:39:20.040 --> 0:39:23.000 thanks for letting me share some random wisdom if you. 0:39:23.000 --> 0:39:36.640 Will your legend. Thank you so much. Thanks BRAINO.