Speaker 1: Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands
Speaker 1: were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders
Speaker 1: past and present.
Speaker 2: Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was
Speaker 2: recorded on Drug Wallamuta Land. Hi guys, and welcome back
Speaker 2: to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura, I'm Brittany,
Speaker 2: and it is Thursday, and on Thursdays we wear green.
Speaker 2: Britt and I, from across the other sides of the
Speaker 2: world have managed to rock up today wearing almost the
Speaker 2: exact same thing.
Speaker 1: And you know what's ridiculous is you and I don't
Speaker 1: wear a lot of color in the day to day,
Speaker 1: Like we're pretty plain. You probably wear slightly more than me.
Speaker 1: I did try and have my year of color last year,
Speaker 1: but I ended up going back to beij But this
Speaker 1: happens so often when we decide to actually wear a color,
Speaker 1: we turn up in the same thing.
Speaker 2: This probably sounds like if it's very uninteresting and wear
Speaker 2: across that we're wearing bright green, the exact same color
Speaker 2: bright green. This also reminds me of that it was
Speaker 2: a a Channel nine reporter. I can't remember her name.
Speaker 2: He was like, you can't wear the white jacket.
Speaker 1: So we're having shirtgate.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's shirtgate anyway.
Speaker 2: Look, this is our ask uncut episode where we answer
Speaker 2: you're deep, you're dark, and you're burning dirty, sometimes dirty,
Speaker 2: sometimes not questions. But today's episode almost didn't happen because
Speaker 2: I almost died on the way to work today. What
Speaker 2: I know, I like to make that sound dramatic, but
Speaker 2: it actually was kind of dramatic.
Speaker 1: So I was running and literally we nearly lost you,
Speaker 1: and Cash nearly had to step in.
Speaker 2: When we talked about this on Tuesday's episode, you could
Speaker 2: have done the recording from my funeral once again.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, good for the downloads.
Speaker 1: What happened?
Speaker 2: So I had to drop the kids off to daycare
Speaker 2: this morning. Usually Matt on a Monday and Wednesday, which
Speaker 2: our recording days, Matt kind of does the heavy lifting.
Speaker 2: But he was out the door first thing this morning
Speaker 2: to go to the airports. He was flying to Melbourne.
Speaker 2: So I'm running around. This is why I look the
Speaker 2: way I look because of everything they had to do
Speaker 2: this morning. So I get the kids ready, I threw
Speaker 2: them in the car, get them to daycare, and I'm
Speaker 2: walking out of daycare.
Speaker 3: I've got a coffee in one hand.
Speaker 2: I've got my phone in one hand, and right in
Speaker 2: front of the daycare is like a pedestrian crossing. I
Speaker 2: wasn't paying any attention. I had my face in my phone,
Speaker 2: which is stupid, but also.
Speaker 1: It's so unlike you, Laura.
Speaker 2: In my defense, it's a pedestrian crossing. You just expect
Speaker 2: people are gonna stop. So I'm walking along and then
Speaker 2: I could just oud in my periphery. I was like,
Speaker 2: that car feels like it's going dangerously fast for a
Speaker 2: car that should be stopping. And I look up, wait
Speaker 2: for it. The car fangs it through the pedestrian crossing.
Speaker 2: It is an old lady in her nineties driving a
Speaker 2: Mercedes with the windows down.
Speaker 3: She had she probably having a flag out the window.
Speaker 1: She's having a great old time.
Speaker 3: She's got like what's that John Laws on the radio.
Speaker 3: I was like, this is one of two things.
Speaker 2: Either she's senile and she didn't actually see me and
Speaker 2: she can't drive and probably should lose her license. Or two,
Speaker 2: she's so old she doesn't give a single fuck anymore
Speaker 2: and she's like, I don't have time.
Speaker 3: To stop at pedestrian crossings. Take you down, bitch. It
Speaker 3: was one of the to be.
Speaker 1: She probably hasn't gone for her itest for driving for
Speaker 1: like twenty five years.
Speaker 3: She probably can't see. She probably got tunnel vision. I
Speaker 3: very much agree.
Speaker 2: But anyway, to the point where I'm standing on the
Speaker 2: pedestrian crossing, She's driving through it with her windows down,
Speaker 2: and I'm talking to her.
Speaker 3: Through the window, like what the fuck are you doing?
Speaker 2: And she just looked at me, but it still didn't
Speaker 2: register that she'd done something wrong.
Speaker 3: She's just happy.
Speaker 1: You like, don't get your eyes off the road, keep driving,
Speaker 1: I keep looking forward. Well, I'm glad you made it.
Speaker 1: Finally died while I was on holiday.
Speaker 3: Too, Stop being a storytop I what happened to you?
Speaker 1: Oh, I've nearly got eaten by a shark.
Speaker 3: There we go, So glad you made it. It's one
Speaker 3: of those sharks.
Speaker 1: It has no teeth, like it nearly sucked me to death.
Speaker 3: It wouldn't be a bad way to go. It could
Speaker 3: be worse.
Speaker 2: Brittany has a new fetish and it's being sucked off
Speaker 2: by a gummy shark in the mountains too far.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 3: When you guys said was it romantic?
Speaker 1: Boy? Was it romantic? Ben was like, Hey, what's gone
Speaker 1: on down there.
Speaker 3: I want a piece of that, all right, Okay. We
Speaker 3: spoke about this on Tuesday's episode. Normally on Thursdays we.
Speaker 2: Get sidetracked, We talk about lots of other things before
Speaker 2: we get to unpacking your questions. And we had been
Speaker 2: receiving some feedback last year that maybe we should focus
Speaker 2: on answering more questions rather than talking about ourselves for
Speaker 2: so long, So we're going to take that on board.
Speaker 2: We have extra questions on today's episode, so this is
Speaker 2: going to be like a media ask gun cut. But
Speaker 2: also because we've been on holidays for the past four weeks,
Speaker 2: we have received so many questions and like I'm talking
Speaker 2: hundreds of questions, so to anyone who sent them in, like,
Speaker 2: thank you so much.
Speaker 3: We're doing our best to get through all of them.
Speaker 2: And I feel like today like we've got such a
Speaker 2: good mix because they're so different and they're so varied.
Speaker 1: We have some pretty hectic, devisive ones today as well,
Speaker 1: don't we.
Speaker 2: We already had like a little bit of a fight beforehand,
Speaker 2: because we did.
Speaker 3: It was not a fight, but it was just a fight.
Speaker 1: Sometimes Laura and I go very different paths to get somewhere,
Speaker 1: and sometimes just like some wrestling and jiu jitsu along
Speaker 1: the way. But usually we get to like we get
Speaker 1: to the endpoint. But it's how different brains work and
Speaker 1: how different thought processes work. I think it's also healthy
Speaker 1: to have disagreements sometimes.
Speaker 2: Also, I do think that we are both, in our
Speaker 2: own ways quite stubborn, So when we don't agree with
Speaker 2: each other, we fight harder to like get our point
Speaker 2: across in order for the other person to understand why
Speaker 2: we feel the way that we feel.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm like, I'm hearing you and I feel you, Laura,
Speaker 1: but you're wrong.
Speaker 3: That's pretty much how it goes down. No, we're joking.
Speaker 2: But before we get into answering your questions, we are
Speaker 2: still doing our vibes and unsubscribes of the Week produce a.
Speaker 3: Keisha Welcome, Welcome back.
Speaker 1: We do have a little life update from producer Keisha.
Speaker 1: Produce Kisha, would you like to talk to us about
Speaker 1: you take her the next step?
Speaker 5: I love that. I said to you, guys, we had
Speaker 5: a planning meeting last week before you know, we came
Speaker 5: back to work for the year, and I was like, guys,
Speaker 5: I have one life update, and both of you were like,
Speaker 5: what is it, and I was like, well, I'm not
Speaker 5: going to tell you because I want to tell you
Speaker 5: on the podcast, and then both of you are like,
Speaker 5: fucking know what it is.
Speaker 3: The jig is up. The gig is up.
Speaker 5: So for the course of the last ten months, it
Speaker 5: has been a bit of a running joke on the
Speaker 5: podcast that my boyfriend Toblerone, who we call toablerone, because unlike.
Speaker 3: Us, he's a very private He's a very private person,
Speaker 3: can't relate. None of us were all over share.
Speaker 2: Is you know what I think is so interesting about this,
Speaker 2: Like Toblarone is very private, but Keisha has no issue
Speaker 2: with sharing all of his things on the podcast. She
Speaker 2: just does it with him under the guise of the
Speaker 2: name Toblerone.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but then she tags him on Instagram. It doesn't
Speaker 3: make any sense to me either. She's like, what ever,
Speaker 3: I don't understand.
Speaker 5: I don't understand why there is a difference between social
Speaker 5: media and the podcast, but it is what he has requested.
Speaker 5: And I kind of go, well, I don't really get
Speaker 5: to make you know, I don't get to make those decisions.
Speaker 5: You've told me what you're okay with, and I've just
Speaker 5: gott to play on so we have finally dropped the album, finally.
Speaker 3: Said I love you.
Speaker 5: Okay, Well, okay, so we did speak about this on
Speaker 5: the podcast because you know, we're all about feminism, and
Speaker 5: but the reason that I had felt it for so
Speaker 5: long and then I didn't say it to him and
Speaker 5: I was waiting for him to say it to me.
Speaker 5: I guess, if I'm being completely honest, like there would
Speaker 5: have been a percentage of ego involved in it, but
Speaker 5: it wasn't entirely ego based. It was more so that
Speaker 5: I'm a very expressive person. I'm a words of affirmation girlie,
Speaker 5: and I just know that he's not like that. I
Speaker 5: know that he's slower to get to the point at
Speaker 5: which he would be comfortable, and so no part of
Speaker 5: me wanted to make him feel as though I was
Speaker 5: like pressuring him into it or rushing him into it.
Speaker 5: And I also felt like if I were to say it,
Speaker 5: even though I wholeheartedly meant it and he wasn't at
Speaker 5: the point where he was ready to say it yet,
Speaker 5: I feel like it could have changed this dynamic in
Speaker 5: our relationship, and I just I didn't want that to
Speaker 5: be the case.
Speaker 3: So I waited. But when it actually happened.
Speaker 5: Brittany, I have an absolute bone to pick without shared
Speaker 5: child Delilah.
Speaker 3: Because she nearly nearly nearly ruined it.
Speaker 5: So we were spending Christmas apart because he's not from him,
Speaker 5: and so we had this kind of like pre Christmas
Speaker 5: dinner booked and it was meant to be this really
Speaker 5: beautiful thing, and so I had Delilah with me because
Speaker 5: you're over in Scotland. For a couple of days leading
Speaker 5: up to it, it had just been absolutely pouring down
Speaker 5: with rain, and if you have an active dog, you
Speaker 5: know how detrimental that is to your well being because
Speaker 5: you can't take them out for runs and wear them out.
Speaker 5: So this day it was just pouring down with more
Speaker 5: and more rain, and I was like, look, I'm just
Speaker 5: gonna take her to the beach. We're gonna go for
Speaker 5: a run. We're gonna get wet. Like I've just accepted,
Speaker 5: we're both gonna be drowned. Rats, I'm gonna come home.
Speaker 5: We gonna wash her. It'll be fine. Da Lala and
Speaker 5: I go to the beach. We're running up and down
Speaker 5: the beach. She's having the best time of her life.
Speaker 5: We're about to get back to the car and I'm
Speaker 5: about to drive home, and she looked at me and
Speaker 5: she made eye contact.
Speaker 2: Oh, she really gosh, and she was like, I'm gonna
Speaker 2: fuck your life. She's like, what can I do to
Speaker 2: make your life hell?
Speaker 3: She took off. She found a bunch of dead birds.
Speaker 5: She was rolling around in these things, trying to cover
Speaker 5: every orifice of her body in dead bird scent. I
Speaker 5: eventually got to her. So she's now soaking wet. I'm
Speaker 5: soaking wet. She's in dead wet bird and I have
Speaker 5: to get her back into the car. I get back
Speaker 5: to Tablaren's house. I'm washing her head to doe. She's
Speaker 5: hating life. I blow dried her at home, and by
Speaker 5: the time I got back, I was like, you know,
Speaker 5: I just actually can't be bothered. I cannot be bothered
Speaker 5: to do this nice dinner, Like my energy is completely gone.
Speaker 3: So we ended up getting.
Speaker 5: Takeaway and we had this really boring dinner at home.
Speaker 5: I was in the filthiest mood you could ever imagine,
Speaker 5: and he turns to me and he's like, I love you, sweetheart.
Speaker 5: It just came out of absolutely nowhere in my mind,
Speaker 5: Like I was just something that I hadn't expected.
Speaker 3: What was that? Was it?
Speaker 5: It was like, because he had been planning on doing
Speaker 5: this really nice Christmas dinner, you know. He said that
Speaker 5: he'd been thinking about it for quite a while and
Speaker 5: that he wanted it to be this really nice special moment, but.
Speaker 3: It wasn't act the way you said it. I guess
Speaker 3: it's time. Ah, I love you, sweetie.
Speaker 5: I think it was because of how bad my mood was,
Speaker 5: Like I was just so pissed off at the.
Speaker 1: Well, it was it a proper love declaration or it's
Speaker 1: almost sounding a bit like it was looking at you
Speaker 1: like a bit sympathetic, like you're in the bad moting
Speaker 1: I love you, okay, you know, like you know.
Speaker 3: How's a different tone? Has he said it more than
Speaker 3: once since? Yes? Yes, blood, so bloodgates are open.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 5: I turned him and I was like, I've been waiting
Speaker 5: a long time to say that to you, and he's like, look,
Speaker 5: I have as well. But I wanted it to be
Speaker 5: a nice moment, and I just kind of resorted to
Speaker 5: the fact that that wasn't going to happen tonight as
Speaker 5: I had initially planned. But yes, to summarize, we have
Speaker 5: now said I love you. We've also now moved in together.
Speaker 5: Things happen in a weird order in our.
Speaker 1: Relations an hour, doesn't it crawling.
Speaker 5: To the line, or it's the fastest thing you've ever experienced.
Speaker 5: So that is my life update. And thank you to
Speaker 5: all of the very beautiful people who have messaged me
Speaker 5: throughout the course of the last ten months telling me
Speaker 5: how long it took for your partner to tell you
Speaker 5: that they love you, because I felt that I really
Speaker 5: felt supported by all of your messages.
Speaker 3: In a de validation.
Speaker 2: Well, guys, let's get into vibes and unsubscribes the week,
Speaker 2: because I have an unsubscribed this week, which is controversial,
Speaker 2: but I have strong feelings about it.
Speaker 3: Keisha, what is your vibe?
Speaker 5: Well, my vibe for this week comes off of the
Speaker 5: back of you, guys speaking with Mark Manson. So I've
Speaker 5: started listening to his podcast and there's someone who joins
Speaker 5: him on his podcast a lot, and that guy's.
Speaker 3: Name is Drew Bernie.
Speaker 5: Now, Drew used to be a behavioral neuroscientist and he
Speaker 5: now calls himself a content nerd for Mark Manson. So
Speaker 5: he's worked for Mark since twenty fourteen. They have a
Speaker 5: really close relationship and so much of what he was
Speaker 5: saying on the podcast, I was like, Wow, this guy
Speaker 5: has like an amazing amount of insight. I find everything
Speaker 5: he says really interesting and quite nuanced, Like he often
Speaker 5: has a different perspective to what I naturally would have thought,
Speaker 5: similar to Mark though, you know, like he tells it
Speaker 5: how it is, but it's not always what you think
Speaker 5: you're gonna hear. Drew actually has a newsletter of his
Speaker 5: own and it is called Traction, and the latest one
Speaker 5: that he dropped was titled do it your damn self,
Speaker 5: And there was this part of it and he said,
Speaker 5: going through the struggle is where the rewards lie, not
Speaker 5: just the money and the recognition, but the feeling you
Speaker 5: get when you see something come together that you did
Speaker 5: your damn self. So it's about that satisfaction you get
Speaker 5: out of something when you really feel like you've earned it,
Speaker 5: and how you can sit in that joy of it
Speaker 5: for so much longer when.
Speaker 3: You truly feel like not so much that.
Speaker 5: You've earned it, I guess, but that you've done so
Speaker 5: much in order to put yourself in that position.
Speaker 2: Well, I guess it's this idea right of when you
Speaker 2: have done it your damn self. It broadens your perception
Speaker 2: around what you're able to achieve. You're like, oh, okay,
Speaker 2: I didn't think I could do that thing. Whether it
Speaker 2: mean I mean for some people, it could be something stupid,
Speaker 2: like installing a mirror. That's my next DIY project is
Speaker 2: I'm going to install this mirror in my house.
Speaker 3: I know that's where my brain went to.
Speaker 2: But like you know me, four years ago, if you'd said, Laura,
Speaker 2: you need to drill a hole and do X y Z,
Speaker 2: I would have been like, Ah, that's outside of my remit.
Speaker 2: But I think anytime you expose yourself to doing something
Speaker 2: that you've never done before that was a little bit challenging,
Speaker 2: you learn a new skill. You can then sit in
Speaker 2: the reward of being like, ah, okay, I'm really confident
Speaker 2: in the fact that I can do things I didn't
Speaker 2: know how to do, and I can do things I
Speaker 2: thought were hard.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Absolutely. So that's what this particular newsletter was about.
Speaker 5: I know that we all love Mark Manson's newsletter, and
Speaker 5: so Drew has one of his own. I'll link it
Speaker 5: in the show notes for you. It is called Traction,
Speaker 5: and I really think that you guys will enjoy it.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, my vibe is you guys know, I'm a
Speaker 1: true crime junkie. I'm sick for it. So there's a
Speaker 1: Netflix documentary. It's a docuseries three parts that's going bonkers
Speaker 1: at the moment. It's called American Nightmare. So it's a
Speaker 1: true story about a couple named Denise and Aaron. I
Speaker 1: won't go too much into it, but they're dubbed the
Speaker 1: real life Gone Girl. So you remember the movie Gone
Speaker 1: Girl that went viral. Basically, she is kidnapped from her
Speaker 1: home one night and completely gone missing in the most
Speaker 1: unusual of ways. Like the kidnapping is something that feels
Speaker 1: like it should be a made up story. All eyes
Speaker 1: go on to the boyfriend, Aaron. He swears to God
Speaker 1: that he had nothing to do with it, and then
Speaker 1: it goes into depth about the police investigation and where
Speaker 1: things went wrong and what really happened. And I don't
Speaker 1: want to tell you too much because I don't want
Speaker 1: to spoil it because I hate a spoiler. But I
Speaker 1: was hooked the entire three episodes and at the end,
Speaker 1: I was just left furious, Like I was absolutely furious
Speaker 1: at the police department in America.
Speaker 2: I've seen the first episode of this and I know
Speaker 2: producer Keisha's also watched quite a bit of it. It
Speaker 2: is brilliant and I think the thing that is like
Speaker 2: what you touched on, Bret, but it's the malpractice of
Speaker 2: the police, and it's this idea that people are coming
Speaker 2: forward with their story and that they're not being believed
Speaker 2: by the police because they have an agenda around it.
Speaker 1: And the docuseries is actually them telling their story, so
Speaker 1: it's not like it's from a narration from someone else
Speaker 1: telling a story.
Speaker 3: It's them.
Speaker 1: It is her sitting in what happened and reliving it.
Speaker 1: They have footage from the investigations and from the interviews
Speaker 1: and the interrogations, and it's truly one of the better
Speaker 1: true crime docuseries I've watched very long time.
Speaker 5: Do you know what I really love about it, and
Speaker 5: this is a little bit more from like a societal lens,
Speaker 5: is that I think we are seeing so much more
Speaker 5: content now that is this pushback to the whole believe victims.
Speaker 5: You know, I know it's something that we really have
Speaker 5: humongous issues with here in Australia and this is an
Speaker 5: American version of it, But for so long victims have
Speaker 5: not been believed and I think it's also a very
Speaker 5: interesting insight into the policing of police. We haven't had
Speaker 5: access to that for very long, you know. I think
Speaker 5: it's really this introduction of social media and entertainment companies
Speaker 5: like Netflix that have taken the power back. If it
Speaker 5: weren't forth social media or Netflix shining a light on
Speaker 5: situations like this, I wonder how long we would have
Speaker 5: gone on with these corrupt systems and also victims spending
Speaker 5: so long not being believed and not being you know,
Speaker 5: the air investigations not being taken seriously.
Speaker 2: So yeah, it's the visibility, right because back in the day,
Speaker 2: the only way that you would ever get your story out,
Speaker 2: Like I remember, like if something happen and someone was
Speaker 2: angry about something, it was like you write into the paper,
Speaker 2: or you write into the morning show or something to
Speaker 2: try and get.
Speaker 3: Your story out.
Speaker 1: That.
Speaker 2: The only other thing which I think is important to
Speaker 2: note is that it kind of ties into this idea
Speaker 2: that when you're not a perfect victim, which we know
Speaker 2: that in cases of domestic violence, in cases of sexual assault,
Speaker 2: it is very rare that there is a perfect victim.
Speaker 2: What this kind of unpacks is that when you are
Speaker 2: an imperfect victim. When you've done things that maybe the
Speaker 2: police see as being not exactly how you should or
Speaker 2: shouldn't have behaved, the likelihood of being believed is even lower.
Speaker 1: It's truly wild, and it's one of those things that
Speaker 1: you have to see to believe.
Speaker 3: We'll link that in show notes. And that is on Netflix,
Speaker 3: the one that I went.
Speaker 2: And I'm going to keep this short and snappy because
Speaker 2: I feel like some people are going to agree and
Speaker 2: some people are going to deeply, deeply disagree.
Speaker 3: My unsubscribed for the week is Saltburn.
Speaker 2: I have watched it and I don't really care for it,
Speaker 2: and I think the grave scene and the bath scene
Speaker 2: just too weird for me. But second to that, I
Speaker 2: felt as though the chemistry between the two main actors
Speaker 2: being best friends. I didn't think that the chemistry was believable.
Speaker 2: And I say this because the main actor, Jacob Elordi,
Speaker 2: he is this beautiful, successful, He is the most popular
Speaker 2: kid at university. He is ridiculously wealthy, like it goes
Speaker 2: into kind of his family and and how insanely wealthy
Speaker 2: his family is. And he befriends the most socially awkward,
Speaker 2: is really hard to connect with, and I just didn't
Speaker 2: believe that the chemistry between them, and I think it's
Speaker 2: because they were trying to establish that they had this
Speaker 2: like deep friendship, but all the establishment of the deep
Speaker 2: friendship was done through weird movie montage flashbacks. But when
Speaker 2: it comes to the dialogue between the two characters, there
Speaker 2: was nothing convincing about it at all.
Speaker 1: I completely disagree with you. I don't think that was
Speaker 1: the plot at all. I think what they were trying
Speaker 1: to lead you to believe is you're made to feel
Speaker 1: that someone is going to die right like you know,
Speaker 1: but you don't know who. You don't know who is
Speaker 1: going to turn and be the killer or the baddie
Speaker 1: in this. My guess was that he was there, this
Speaker 1: nerdy guy, and was going to result in a hunt,
Speaker 1: like they were going to release him on the grounds
Speaker 1: and everyone got to track him down and hunt him
Speaker 1: to kill him because he's a nobody with no family.
Speaker 1: That was what I was led to believe, and that's
Speaker 1: what I picked up from the show. So I think
Speaker 1: that you and I have picked up two very different things.
Speaker 1: I'd love to know what everyone else's opinion was as
Speaker 1: they were watching it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, see the reason why I find that so interesting
Speaker 2: is because I thought it was really obvious what was happening.
Speaker 2: I know it's being like one of the most viral
Speaker 2: and widely watched movies at the moment, and it's been very,
Speaker 2: very loved.
Speaker 3: I did not love it.
Speaker 2: I kind of got to the end of it and
Speaker 2: I was like, that was weird, and I want my
Speaker 2: Aaron halfback.
Speaker 3: Now. I wish I'd watch something else. I haven't watched
Speaker 3: it yet, but I've just heard that it's sick. I've
Speaker 3: just heard that it's weird.
Speaker 5: You have to be careful who you watch it with
Speaker 5: because that can get awkward.
Speaker 2: Just don't watch it with your mum or your dad,
Speaker 2: and then don't go and have a bar afterwards.
Speaker 1: Okay, all right, let's get into the question.
Speaker 2: Question number one. I have a beautiful friend. She's married
Speaker 2: and in a same sex relationship. She has one toddler
Speaker 2: and is pregnant with her second baby. Both of them
Speaker 2: share the same biological father, a sperm donor. I recently
Speaker 2: became good friends with a different mum friend through my husband,
Speaker 2: and her baby is also the product of a sperm
Speaker 2: donation due to her husband's fertility issues. All of that
Speaker 2: is amazing and I am so happy for everyone. But
Speaker 2: the kicker is that the two children of my two
Speaker 2: different mum friends look identical.
Speaker 3: I'm talking eerily similar.
Speaker 2: Both are pretty vocal and upfront about their IVF and
Speaker 2: sperm donation stories, and the donor information they have shared
Speaker 2: with me so far is crazy similar. I won't go
Speaker 2: into too much detail for you, but essentially the donor
Speaker 2: is the same nationality, the same height, the same age,
Speaker 2: the same hair color, eye color choices, etc.
Speaker 3: Do I bring it up with either of them?
Speaker 2: It seems entirely possible, but I don't really know what
Speaker 2: to do because the kids look so alike.
Speaker 1: Oh, we have never had a question like this.
Speaker 3: We have never had a question like this.
Speaker 2: Well, this is the one that Britta and I gott
Speaker 2: into a bit of a not an argument, but a
Speaker 2: heated disagreement about.
Speaker 3: So it doesn't either.
Speaker 1: We just disagreed.
Speaker 3: It wasn't any You make your sound like we had
Speaker 3: each other's throat. Okay. So I have a girlfriend. Her
Speaker 3: name is Jess.
Speaker 2: She's recently had a baby with her partner Vanessa, two
Speaker 2: of my closest friends.
Speaker 3: They've gone through and.
Speaker 2: Chose to have a known sperm donor and so I
Speaker 2: called Jess because I was like, this is a conversation
Speaker 2: which I mean, we can give our opinions on, but
Speaker 2: we're not living this, and I think it's very easy
Speaker 2: when you're on the other side of it to go
Speaker 2: like should.
Speaker 3: I have this conversation with them? Shouldn't I?
Speaker 2: And not to say that my friend speaks for any
Speaker 2: same sex couple or anybody who has gone through the
Speaker 2: donor process, but I do think that she had some
Speaker 2: very important points to make, and so I wanted to
Speaker 2: play her response for you.
Speaker 4: I don't really see the point of bringing it up
Speaker 4: with either of them, Like both of them are obviously
Speaker 4: in complete family units, Like the straight couple is obviously
Speaker 4: a complete family unit.
Speaker 1: The same sex couple of the complete family unit.
Speaker 3: I think for a lot of people, the.
Speaker 4: Reason that they go with anonymous sperm donors rather than
Speaker 4: known jonas is because they're not interested in having an
Speaker 4: extra third party in their lives, and so the fact
Speaker 4: that they have a sperm donor becomes pretty inconsequential. It's
Speaker 4: not something that they think about, it's not something that
Speaker 4: comes up day to day. So I guess this reminder
Speaker 4: both for the gay couple and the straight couple that
Speaker 4: they were unable to start their family on their own.
Speaker 4: It's unnecessary and potentially even a little bit painful. It's
Speaker 4: really hard to say, and obviously it depends on the couple,
Speaker 4: but I'd say they probably don't really need or want
Speaker 4: this sharing of information, not to mention the fact that
Speaker 4: they probably don't even know the name the question of
Speaker 4: knowing the name of the sperm donner. When you go
Speaker 4: through a sperm mic, you actually don't even get their
Speaker 4: name or photo.
Speaker 3: You just get a baby photo.
Speaker 1: And medical history. That's it.
Speaker 4: So unless they can match up the baby photo and
Speaker 4: see if they have the same one, it's potentially just
Speaker 4: going to leave a bunch of unanswered questions anyway. So
Speaker 4: I mean, yeah, depending on the friendship, it might be
Speaker 4: worth bringing out.
Speaker 1: But I just don't really see the point.
Speaker 2: One thing I wanted to flag before we get into
Speaker 2: fully unpacking this and like getting your opinion, Breed or
Speaker 2: like how we would navigate this if we were in
Speaker 2: the situation is that in the question it says biological father, right,
Speaker 2: the biological father in reference to sperm donor. Now, one
Speaker 2: thing that Jess mentioned after we had this conversation and
Speaker 2: I think it's so important because it can be so
Speaker 2: easy to say the wrong thing without meaning to say
Speaker 2: the wrong thing without meaning no offense, because clearly the
Speaker 2: question wasn't written with any offense in mind. But I
Speaker 2: guess it's that whole adage that once you know better,
Speaker 2: you do better. If you're going to talk about someone's
Speaker 2: donor sperm, don't talk about it in relation to being
Speaker 2: a biological father or a dad. Just remove father dad
Speaker 2: from any type of dialogue that you have around this,
Speaker 2: because that's not what they are. They made a sperm
Speaker 2: donation and those two things are completely separate, and that
Speaker 2: can be really invalidating to any family who has been
Speaker 2: through the process of sperm donation or egg donation as well.
Speaker 1: That's a really good point for you to bring up, Laura,
Speaker 1: and for Jess to have brought up, because when we
Speaker 1: were talking about this, I was also referring it to
Speaker 1: as like, you know, well, biological father, sperm donor.
Speaker 3: I was putting them.
Speaker 1: Together without even thinking that that could be offensive or
Speaker 1: not the right thing to say. But I totally understand
Speaker 1: why it is, because we know what a father is
Speaker 1: and should be, and at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: they did do a sperm donation, and then that was
Speaker 1: their relationship finished, like there is no relationship, which I
Speaker 1: think is really important to know. It's such a tricky
Speaker 1: situation because she's saying that she has two good friends,
Speaker 1: two very good friends that she sees often. I mean,
Speaker 1: if she's written this in she genuinely thinks they could
Speaker 1: be from the same donor. I guess the question she's
Speaker 1: facing is will it be offensive or bring up something
Speaker 1: or be hurtful? B what if they're in a situation
Speaker 1: where they would want to know if their child has
Speaker 1: a genetic relation.
Speaker 3: Out there this donor.
Speaker 1: Obviously it would be like a half relation. Would you
Speaker 1: want to know? And I guess that's the way. The
Speaker 1: best way to do it is throw it in as
Speaker 1: that hypothetical, like well crazy, is that crazy?
Speaker 3: Like would you want to know?
Speaker 1: Is that?
Speaker 4: You know?
Speaker 3: That's what I would do.
Speaker 1: Feel it out and you're going to get the vibe
Speaker 1: from whatever they say. They're either going to be like,
Speaker 1: oh hell no, like could you imagine the hassle? Or
Speaker 1: they're going to be like, well, yeah, maybe if they've
Speaker 1: got some sort of biological connection out there, that could
Speaker 1: be cool, Like I think you just got to feel
Speaker 1: it out.
Speaker 2: I completely agree, and I know that it's one of
Speaker 2: those things where one person's perspective and opinion doesn't cover
Speaker 2: everybody's experiences. And everybody who has gone through the process
Speaker 2: of having a donor to have a baby is going
Speaker 2: to feel differently around their own family, their own unit,
Speaker 2: their own experience, how they're raising their children, what participation
Speaker 2: that donor has in that child's life, whether it's absolutely
Speaker 2: nothing at all, or whether they're an active potentially uncle
Speaker 2: figure or auntie figure or whatever like. There's so many
Speaker 2: variations of how this could present, and so I think
Speaker 2: to give one wash answer of saying this is the
Speaker 2: right or wrong way would not be a just way.
Speaker 3: To approach this question.
Speaker 2: The only thing I do want to reiterate is what
Speaker 2: good would come of it? What is going to be
Speaker 2: the main benefit, especially when the things that you're going
Speaker 2: off the indicating factors are pretty broad and open ideas.
Speaker 2: They're like height, nationality, the eye color. Let's say, okay,
Speaker 2: maybe if it was a very unique and rare height, nationality,
Speaker 2: and eye color, but if it's a forty year old
Speaker 2: Caucasian man who is six foot with green eyes or
Speaker 2: blue eyes or whatever, I would say that there's probably
Speaker 2: a lot of them out there who have doned sperm
Speaker 2: over the many years. The other thing as well to
Speaker 2: keep in mind, and this is I find this so
Speaker 2: interesting around like the rules and regulations within Australia and
Speaker 2: sperm donation is that for men who are doing sperm donation,
Speaker 2: they can only donate to up to ten families, so
Speaker 2: they're only allowed to create and contribute to ten separate families.
Speaker 2: And that's also to like minimize any crossover. Like imagine
Speaker 2: growing up and being a child who is from a
Speaker 2: donor and then meeting another child who is from a donor,
Speaker 2: and then it turns out that you've all got the
Speaker 2: same donor parent, which has happened in the States, and
Speaker 2: that's wild. So in Australia there's so many more legislations
Speaker 2: and rules around how many donor families can be created,
Speaker 2: and the reason for that is to try and minimize
Speaker 2: this type of thing. Ultimately, unless you can kind of say, well,
Speaker 2: this is going to be of benefit to everyone in
Speaker 2: the picture, it's going to be of benefit to the
Speaker 2: parents because the children are too young to do anything
Speaker 2: with that information. Yet, then I don't think that you
Speaker 2: should be the donor vigilante and take it upon yourself
Speaker 2: to make sure that everyone knows all the information, because
Speaker 2: sometimes people going into this decision simply don't want to
Speaker 2: know the information.
Speaker 3: Interesting.
Speaker 2: Also, I would love to know if this goes ahead
Speaker 2: and you have this conversation, please come back and tell
Speaker 2: us what the outcome of this is, because we need
Speaker 2: to know.
Speaker 3: I know what to do.
Speaker 1: What invite them both to like a barbecue or a
Speaker 1: party or something and let them work it out for themselves.
Speaker 1: That look like your kid looks bad like I like it.
Speaker 2: That is fucking cruel. Do not do that. That is
Speaker 2: a terrible, terrible ideage. This just happened spontaneously. Don't take
Speaker 2: that advice. Question number two.
Speaker 1: I've been with my partner for nearly five years. It's
Speaker 1: been a super stable relationship and he's someone that I
Speaker 1: can talk openly with about anything. However, I have begun
Speaker 1: to realize that we are super different in many ways.
Speaker 1: He's really introverted and runs out of social battery fast.
Speaker 1: He prefers staying at home and gaming with friends, whereas
Speaker 1: I love camping, going on road trips, adventures, traveling. We've
Speaker 1: tried some of these activities together and it uses up
Speaker 1: his energy pretty quick, or it just ends with him
Speaker 1: in a migraine from the sun and he hates it.
Speaker 1: I don't like gaming. It worries me that our differences
Speaker 1: will get the better of us long term. But I
Speaker 1: still really like him for milestones such as birthdays and anniversaries.
Speaker 1: He isn't very good at planning anything or getting any
Speaker 1: gifts and says that he has no time. I shared
Speaker 1: interest really important in relationships. What would you do in
Speaker 1: this situation? How do I know RA right relationship?
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I think that there's two ways to answer this, because
Speaker 2: it's only an issue if it's an issue to you, right, Like,
Speaker 2: you can date someone who is completely different to you,
Speaker 2: who has really different interests, who loves gaming, and if
Speaker 2: gaming's not an issue to you, and you guys are
Speaker 2: able to connect in other ways and you get your
Speaker 2: cup filled, like just say you love going campaign or
Speaker 2: you love road trips, whatever it is, and you do
Speaker 2: that with your girlfriends, and you fill your cup with
Speaker 2: your girlfriends and then your boyfriend provides x YZ to
Speaker 2: you different things, that's fine.
Speaker 3: But if it's becoming.
Speaker 2: An issue, if you've gotten to a place where you
Speaker 2: think that the differences are too big, that you're not
Speaker 2: able to connect on anything, because you know, it may
Speaker 2: not just be the fact that he's introverted. It sounds
Speaker 2: like it's the fact that he's not investing enough time
Speaker 2: or consideration or thought into you. So when you say, like, oh,
Speaker 2: he's he's introverted, but then he's also really bad at
Speaker 2: this thing and this thing and this thing, you kind
Speaker 2: of haven't told me anything that he's good at. You
Speaker 2: haven't told me anything that the two of you have
Speaker 2: together that's a redeemable part of your relationship. And so
Speaker 2: I would say to you before you make a decision
Speaker 2: that you can't be together or that like the differences
Speaker 2: are too great, I would have a think about, Okay, well,
Speaker 2: what are the amazing things that he brings to the relationship,
Speaker 2: What are the things that I love about him? What
Speaker 2: are the things that we share together that are incredible
Speaker 2: that are worth valuing? And are there more of those
Speaker 2: things than what there are negatives? And can you then
Speaker 2: therefore overcome the things and the differences that you have.
Speaker 2: That would be my very first thing to say to do.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm gonna come in and say I'm not vibing
Speaker 1: this relationship, and the reason that is fucking half ritch.
Speaker 3: The reason now stick with me.
Speaker 1: The reason I say that is because I actually do
Speaker 1: think that you do have to have some commonality and
Speaker 1: enjoy the same kinds of hobbies. I think you do
Speaker 1: have to have that connection because relationships change with age
Speaker 1: and what period you are in your life. And what
Speaker 1: I mean by that is, yes, you can fill your
Speaker 1: cup in other ways with girlfriends, like you can go
Speaker 1: camping with girlfriends because you love it and your partner
Speaker 1: doesn't want to, But that only works for so long.
Speaker 1: That only works when you're young. You're a bit more carefree,
Speaker 1: you got the time, you don't have kids, you're not married,
Speaker 1: you're not in a job that is so stressful and hectic.
Speaker 1: When you go into that second transition of life, it's different.
Speaker 1: You don't have the time that you used to and
Speaker 1: you need to have that connection with your partner. I
Speaker 1: truly believe that you need to enjoy doing things together.
Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be everything. Obviously you were still
Speaker 1: going to have friendships outside of him, but I do
Speaker 1: think it's important that you find some commonality. Is he
Speaker 1: bringing what you need in other capacities?
Speaker 3: Which he's not.
Speaker 1: Like you have said, he doesn't even plan anniversaries or
Speaker 1: gets you gifts because he has no time. That is
Speaker 1: a pretty lay mass excuse to me. Like, everyone has
Speaker 1: time to make someone in their life that they love
Speaker 1: feel special. It's like when someone says I've got no
Speaker 1: time to respond to a text. Bullshit. Everyone has time.
Speaker 1: If you want to do something, you can do something.
Speaker 1: If you want to make your loved one feel loved,
Speaker 1: it could be a note that you've left on the
Speaker 1: table for them. There are ways to connect and make
Speaker 1: somebody feel special in love that don't take a lot
Speaker 1: of time, don't take a lot of effort, don't take
Speaker 1: a lot of money.
Speaker 2: Well, what it is right when someone says I don't
Speaker 2: have the time, what they actually mean is is that
Speaker 2: you're not the top of the priority list because time
Speaker 2: is reflective of priorities. If someone has the time to
Speaker 2: do something whatever X, y Z is, that is because
Speaker 2: that is their priority, and we find ways in order
Speaker 2: to move things that are important to us back up
Speaker 2: to the top of the list. So like, don't get
Speaker 2: me wrong, like, there will be times in life in relationships,
Speaker 2: ebbs and flows where your relationship can't always be the priority,
Speaker 2: and that might be because work is really pressing or
Speaker 2: there is something else that requires more of your energy.
Speaker 3: But even in saying that, that.
Speaker 2: Can't be the constant because if it is the constant
Speaker 2: all the time, and it's something we covered with Mark
Speaker 2: Manson on Tuesday's episode, what that means is is that
Speaker 2: if it's the constant all the time, it's not necessarily
Speaker 2: then the priority. Because I do kind of agree with you, Britt,
Speaker 2: but I guess I don't want to make like big,
Speaker 2: grand sweeping statements about their relationship without having more context,
Speaker 2: because I think that there's a lot of negatives in
Speaker 2: here without adding in the positives. And sometimes we can
Speaker 2: be very negatively geared about something we can focus on, Okay,
Speaker 2: well they didn't do this, they didn't do this, they
Speaker 2: didn't do this, but we don't actually look at, well,
Speaker 2: what did they do to satisfy other areas and other
Speaker 2: things that are important to me. The only thing I
Speaker 2: want to say, kind of like to sum this up,
Speaker 2: gaming has a real negative connotation. I think for anyone
Speaker 2: who's not a gamer, when you hear the word gaming,
Speaker 2: you instantly think like, ugh, like that's so isolating, You're
Speaker 2: not putting any time into our relationship because you're out
Speaker 2: there doing this thing in a silo, which seems really antisocial.
Speaker 3: And I guess over the years, especially.
Speaker 2: Because I have people in my life who game and
Speaker 2: who are really into it, I also kind of understand
Speaker 2: that for people who are introverted, who are really into
Speaker 2: that world, it's not necessarily as antisocial as what one
Speaker 2: might think. It can be a way of deregulating for
Speaker 2: someone who's introverted, although they may have friends online who
Speaker 2: they play against. So in the same way that you
Speaker 2: might go out and go to the pub, or you
Speaker 2: might go out and hang out with your friends, that
Speaker 2: might be his version of hanging out with his friends.
Speaker 2: So it doesn't necessarily have to be a negative thing.
Speaker 2: It's only a negative thing if it's impacting your relationship
Speaker 2: because he's prioritizing it over spending time together.
Speaker 1: No, to be clear, I'm not telling anyone to put
Speaker 1: any relationship in the bin, Like, no one's gone in
Speaker 1: the bin. Yeah we have before, but this is not it,
Speaker 1: And there is nothing wrong with gaming. These are separate issues, like,
Speaker 1: that's not what the issue here is. The issue here
Speaker 1: is that there's just no connection now I'm not saying
Speaker 1: in the relationship, but you do need to go through
Speaker 1: a bit of a process first. I think there is
Speaker 1: no reason you can't sit down and communicate. Firstly, let's
Speaker 1: break it down, let's do the you don't feel the affection,
Speaker 1: you don't feel the attention and the love, sit down
Speaker 1: and say that, say like, you know, I don't care
Speaker 1: that you game. That doesn't bother me. But if I'm
Speaker 1: not getting what I need from any other aspect, it's
Speaker 1: really starting to affect me.
Speaker 3: And you know, when it's that anniversary of our birthday.
Speaker 1: I don't need big presence, I don't need big gifts,
Speaker 1: but I don't feel like I don't feel like I'm important.
Speaker 1: And I think you can have that conversation. The problem
Speaker 1: in the relationships only start to intensify when you've had
Speaker 1: those conversations and there's no change, so you don't immediately.
Speaker 1: People aren't mind readers.
Speaker 3: If you're not.
Speaker 1: Communicating, they're not gotta know. The next thing I wanted
Speaker 1: to say is write down, print out like a humongous
Speaker 1: list of activities that you could do, different sports, different hobbies,
Speaker 1: and might be pup puck, golf, whatever he might love
Speaker 1: going to an arcade and you might find that you
Speaker 1: enjoy that as well. Write down a huge list, start
Speaker 1: to go through it together until you find something that
Speaker 1: you both enjoy. And if you go through a mega
Speaker 1: list and there is not one thing that you guys
Speaker 1: can connect on and he's still not putting it in
Speaker 1: the effort, then yeah, put him in the bin.
Speaker 3: In the bin, sorry, sweetheart. You need to get in
Speaker 3: the bin. Now. That's it, that's our relationship. Get in
Speaker 3: the ball. Life on Cut said so.
Speaker 1: Question number three. I go to a prestigious university and
Speaker 1: everyone there is well off and always very posh and
Speaker 1: well dressed. Think Rolex Cartier, Louis Baton and the works.
Speaker 1: I've had to fake it till I make it my
Speaker 1: whole way through trying to fit in. I am often
Speaker 1: embarrassed in public by my family. Their polar opposite to
Speaker 1: me and a very loud and obnoxious, very aussy if
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. I'm a very self conscious
Speaker 1: person and it'll ruin my day if I think someone
Speaker 1: is judging me, and I'm scared that this will happen.
Speaker 1: I don't want to offend them and I love them,
Speaker 1: but is it okay for me to ask them to
Speaker 1: act differently and tone it down for my sake. Any
Speaker 1: help is appreciated.
Speaker 3: I feel really sorry for you.
Speaker 2: And the reason why I say I feel sorry for
Speaker 2: you is not because of the people that your family is.
Speaker 2: It's because of how insecure you must be as a
Speaker 2: person that you feel as though you need to change
Speaker 2: the people around you. Because the thing is, every single person,
Speaker 2: everyone has someone in their family who's fucking a bit
Speaker 2: wild and a bit odd, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: But they're not a reflection of who you are as
Speaker 2: a person necessarily, And there's nothing that you've said about
Speaker 2: your parents or your family that makes me go, oh,
Speaker 2: they're a bad person, that's why you'd want them to change.
Speaker 2: Or they're humiliating, that's why you'd want them to change.
Speaker 2: They say things that are racist or inappropriate. I would
Speaker 2: understand if that was the premise of it. But if
Speaker 2: it's just because they're loud and they're vibrant, and they're
Speaker 2: a bit crazy and cut from a slightly different cloth
Speaker 2: to the people that you spend time with at university,
Speaker 2: I would say that that is inherently, deeply judgmental, and
Speaker 2: I would be prioritizing my family over people who come
Speaker 2: from labels and brands and care about things that are
Speaker 2: extremely superficial in.
Speaker 3: The long run.
Speaker 2: So I think that the place where you need to
Speaker 2: start is on yourself and is on your self worth,
Speaker 2: and is on your self identity, and it is on
Speaker 2: your values and figuring out what is the most important
Speaker 2: thing to you in life. And if the most important
Speaker 2: thing to you in life is fitting in, then this.
Speaker 3: Will always be a problem for you.
Speaker 1: One hundred percent. This makes me upset to think about
Speaker 1: this family, and that's again we're making the assumption that
Speaker 1: they're not homophobic, they're not racist, they're not out total
Speaker 1: no pick it in the streets. If they're just a
Speaker 1: bit of a rough, fossy bogan kind of family that
Speaker 1: don't walk around in rolelexes and Cartier spoiler, one percent
Speaker 1: of people walk around in rolelex and cartier Like that
Speaker 1: is not a common thing.
Speaker 3: It's also not relatable, like who fucking cares?
Speaker 1: And also the feeling that you have to fake it
Speaker 1: until you make it to fit in. Like I know
Speaker 1: that that's a separate conversation here, because one side of
Speaker 1: this is about your family embarrassing you, and the second
Speaker 1: side is faking it. To you make it because everyone
Speaker 1: else is wearing all this stuff that is saying more
Speaker 1: about you than anyone else in this situation. You do
Speaker 1: not need fancy things to impress people, and you do
Speaker 1: not need fancy things to win friends.
Speaker 2: I think this also is an age thing, and I
Speaker 2: don't want to sound age just when I say this,
Speaker 2: but you're at university and I know that they are
Speaker 2: very impressionable years where everyone wants to fit in, like
Speaker 2: everyone wants to have the friendship group and have those
Speaker 2: strong connections with their friends. The reason why I say
Speaker 2: I think that this is also age related is because
Speaker 2: I think when I was young, I probably felt a
Speaker 2: little bit the same. And I don't say that I
Speaker 2: ever wanted my family to change or anything, but I
Speaker 2: sometimes felt like I needed to prepare my friends for
Speaker 2: like how different my dad is Terry Brn or how
Speaker 2: my mom can say one line is which I would
Speaker 2: have been like, oh my god, how embarrassing, like please
Speaker 2: mum stop talking. And I felt, probably when I was younger,
Speaker 2: that I needed to prepare people a little bit for
Speaker 2: the uniqueness of my family. But like now, as someone
Speaker 2: who's thirty seven, who has my own kids, I don't
Speaker 2: fucking care anymore. Like, my parents are so different and
Speaker 2: we've kind of navigated the ebbs and flows of our relationship.
Speaker 3: I'm so proud of the people that they are.
Speaker 2: And if anybody ever kind of looked at them and
Speaker 2: judged them for not being as polished or the version
Speaker 2: of what they would expect, I think that that says
Speaker 2: so much about the other person. And I would never
Speaker 2: want someone in my life who judges my family. And
Speaker 2: I guess for me, this probably wasn't so much around friends,
Speaker 2: but it was around boyfriends. I remember having feelings of like, oh,
Speaker 2: will my boyfriends like my family, and will I need
Speaker 2: to kind of give them a bit of a heads
Speaker 2: up around like, you know, the ways in which my
Speaker 2: dad communicates or the way in which my mum communicates,
Speaker 2: and kind of give them the backstory in order for
Speaker 2: them to not feel judgmental. Now, when I think of that, like,
Speaker 2: that's fucking crazy. And I guess it's because the people
Speaker 2: who you have in your life, like your family, your parents,
Speaker 2: your siblings, they are their own people and they are
Speaker 2: not a direct reflection of who you are as a person.
Speaker 2: And I really do think I mean, maybe it's a
Speaker 2: case of and I don't want to say speaking to
Speaker 2: a therapist because maybe that feels a bit much, but
Speaker 2: like doing a bit of inner work, like reading up
Speaker 2: on sort of like your own values and understanding what's
Speaker 2: important to you as a person, figuring out are these
Speaker 2: the type of people that you want in your life
Speaker 2: as your lifelong friends. If you feel like you're always
Speaker 2: playing a game where you have to play up being
Speaker 2: someone different to who you actually are, is that not
Speaker 2: gonna then just breed more insecurity in you as a person.
Speaker 1: All right, bring us home, Laura.
Speaker 2: All right, last question, and I find this one a
Speaker 2: tricky one, being a mum myself who also sometimes gives
Speaker 2: their kid too much screen time.
Speaker 3: All Right.
Speaker 2: One of my closest friends has an almost one year
Speaker 2: old baby. Her partner and her are the type of
Speaker 2: people who love having the TV on in the background
Speaker 2: at their house most of the day. Think music videos
Speaker 2: or sport. It's kind of just background noise for them.
Speaker 2: I've noticed that since having their bub they have continued
Speaker 2: to do this. I don't think that the baby is
Speaker 2: getting direct screen time, but I would say they're getting
Speaker 2: a significant amount of indirect screen time. For example, my
Speaker 2: friend has commented to me before how much the baby
Speaker 2: loves watching TV, and in video she shares of the baby,
Speaker 2: the TV is always on in the background. Now, I
Speaker 2: don't think my friend is aware that screen time is
Speaker 2: not recommended for children under two. I also didn't know that,
Speaker 2: so my kids are also fucked. My question is should
Speaker 2: I bring Should I bring the screen time National Guidelines
Speaker 2: to my friend's attention, and if so, how should I
Speaker 2: do this in a kind and non judgmental way. I
Speaker 2: absolutely know my friend would never intentionally do anything detrimental
Speaker 2: to the health and wellbeing of her baby. But I
Speaker 2: also know that if I was doing something unknowingly that
Speaker 2: might impact my child's wellbeing, I would want to be informed.
Speaker 1: I picture of walking in with like one hundred and
Speaker 1: twenty eight page document that's tied by string. When she
Speaker 1: slaps it down on the table, She's like, he's the
Speaker 1: National TV Guidelines. That is so funny. I don't think
Speaker 1: you can bring the National Guidelines to her. I really don't,
Speaker 1: even though you're a good, caring friend. And I also
Speaker 1: find this to be a tricky place. Now, I don't
Speaker 1: feel like I can comment that heavily because I don't
Speaker 1: have kids. So Laura, I definitely want your opinion on
Speaker 1: this being a mum, but I don't think it's your
Speaker 1: place to parent another person's children. And I could be
Speaker 1: getting this wrong, right. I haven't done the research into
Speaker 1: just how detrimental it is for a child underto to
Speaker 1: watch screen time, Like what is it actually doing? You know,
Speaker 1: is it giving them brain cancer? Because there's a difference
Speaker 1: with Hey, I feel like I've been seeing you leave
Speaker 1: your child out in the sun a lot with no
Speaker 1: sunscreen on, so I just feel like that's not the
Speaker 1: right thing to do. Yes, I would be saying that
Speaker 1: for sure. If your friends lett the kid burn all
Speaker 1: the time in the sun, that's different to some background TV.
Speaker 1: So I feel like it's one of those picky battle things.
Speaker 3: I don't know, I could be wrong.
Speaker 1: What do you reckon?
Speaker 2: I don't feel like I can comment because I have
Speaker 2: two children and they have watched and do watch TV,
Speaker 2: and the TV's on in our house and sometimes it's
Speaker 2: background TV, and sometimes we just have the TV on
Speaker 2: with music playing because Spotify plays through our TV. Look,
Speaker 2: I think that there are lots of ways that you
Speaker 2: can fuck your kids up, and a bit of extra
Speaker 2: screen time is probably not gonna do deep fundamental damage.
Speaker 3: Now, look, if you want to know.
Speaker 2: The Australian regulations on screen time, it's that children under
Speaker 2: eighteen months shouldn't have any screen time at all. They
Speaker 2: should not see a TV, which is great, don't let
Speaker 2: them watch burn. Yeah, looks it's also apparently inappropriate to
Speaker 2: learn that one the hard way. I think that that
Speaker 2: is it's great in theory for a lot of parents,
Speaker 2: it's unachievable. And keeping complete screen time away from your
Speaker 2: kids from under eighteen months and I'm talking like you
Speaker 2: might be breastfeeding and be on your phone, you might
Speaker 2: be doing something and the TV's on in the background.
Speaker 2: Like for majority of Australian households, that's pretty hard to manage.
Speaker 2: Does it mean that like you're setting your kid up
Speaker 2: and they're watching four hours.
Speaker 3: Of cocoa melon. That's a whole different thing.
Speaker 2: If that's what she was doing, then yeah, I would
Speaker 2: maybe say like, oh, how do you feel about screen time?
Speaker 3: Like you know, like du I noticed you don't care.
Speaker 2: But the thing is is there are very few moms
Speaker 2: and dads out there, unless they have been living in
Speaker 2: a literal hole, who don't know that screen time is
Speaker 2: a controversial topic, right everyone knows it. Everyone knows that,
Speaker 2: you know, putting a kid in front of a tablet
Speaker 2: or like, you know, having them watch a phone or
Speaker 2: a TV is not necessarily a good thing to do.
Speaker 2: I think TVs are better than say iPhones or YouTube,
Speaker 2: which are very quick moving you can change the content continuously.
Speaker 2: It's a different thing having free to air playing in
Speaker 2: the background or having like Spotify music playing in the
Speaker 2: background verse cropping your kid up and putting you know,
Speaker 2: like I said, four hours a Coco Melanon. But I
Speaker 2: also think moms get shamed for fucking everything. Like it
Speaker 2: is hard being a mum, It is hard finding time
Speaker 2: for yourself. It is hard keeping kids entertained distracted whilst
Speaker 2: you're potentially also juggling work, juggling everything else in your life.
Speaker 2: And so I think for some people it is something
Speaker 2: that is used and lent on because it is an
Speaker 2: easier way of managing. And so I would say that
Speaker 2: she's probably aware of it. I would say she probably
Speaker 2: knows that it's not the best thing to do, and
Speaker 2: all you bringing it up is going to make her
Speaker 2: feel super judged. It's probably not impacting, especially if it's
Speaker 2: ambient TV in a way that you seem to be
Speaker 2: as concerned about because there's so many worse ways to
Speaker 2: parent than a bit of screen time.
Speaker 3: I think, yeah, totally.
Speaker 1: And I just tried to imagine because I always try
Speaker 1: and put myself in that situation, but I tried to
Speaker 1: imagine if I came to your house one day, Laura
Speaker 1: and brought that up to you, if the girl's watching TV,
Speaker 1: and I was like, hey, do you think that the
Speaker 1: girl's been watching a bit too much TV? Like, I
Speaker 1: don't know, if you know it's really bad for them,
Speaker 1: would not go down well. And I know that, and
Speaker 1: we are very close. I just know that you feel like, well,
Speaker 1: you fucking take them. Then what do you want me
Speaker 1: to do? Like, I think that this you know I
Speaker 1: said earlier, piky battle. I don't think this is your battle.
Speaker 2: I know that there will be some mums who will
Speaker 2: be listening to this and they will think, well, that's
Speaker 2: a shit way of parenting. You shouldn't have your kids
Speaker 2: watching screen times. And I get it. I get it.
Speaker 2: You are a better mum than me. That's okay. In
Speaker 2: the competition of who's the best mum, you can be
Speaker 2: better than me. And I know it comes back down
Speaker 2: to that idea of priorities, blah fucking blah blah blah.
Speaker 2: But there are some times where I have to get
Speaker 2: x YZ done and having the TV on enables me
Speaker 2: and allows me to do that. And I think, so
Speaker 2: long as you're using it in a mediated way alongside
Speaker 2: craft activities, going to the park, giving your kid other
Speaker 2: ways of being stimulated, and you're supervising the stuff that
Speaker 2: they're watching, I just don't see how bad it's gonna be,
Speaker 2: do you know what I mean? Like, what's the trade off? Also,
Speaker 2: I think about me growing up, like, well, yes, we
Speaker 2: didn't have tablets.
Speaker 3: My mom didn't give a fuck about screen time.
Speaker 2: That TV was on from the second we woke up
Speaker 2: until the second we went to bed. I'm talking all
Speaker 2: day every day. She never stopped me from I was
Speaker 2: watching South Park when I was seven, Like, I'm fine, guys,
Speaker 2: everything is fine. My mum was a single mum of
Speaker 2: three kids. That's why the TV was on all the time.
Speaker 2: She couldn't manage. She wasn't managing, and so like it
Speaker 2: was a way of keeping people occupied, knowing that they're
Speaker 2: in a certain room that they needed them to be in,
Speaker 2: and it.
Speaker 1: Just you worked out like relatively fine, semi okay so far,
Speaker 1: like you're like a solid five out of hand, like.
Speaker 3: Room for improvement, but that's always a good place to be.
Speaker 2: I like to think of myself things turned out better
Speaker 2: than they could and that's always a positive.
Speaker 3: That's a positive anyway, guys. I hope that's a takeaway
Speaker 3: for you all today.
Speaker 2: Also, let us know what you think if you disagree
Speaker 2: with anything that we've said, if you would approach it differently,
Speaker 2: And I think especially the screen time one, I'd be
Speaker 2: so interested to know from other moms how you feel
Speaker 2: about it or what you would want from your friends,
Speaker 2: especially when we laughed, but especially when it does come
Speaker 2: from a well meaning to place, what you would like.
Speaker 3: That is if from us.
Speaker 2: Guys, if you have a question that you want to
Speaker 2: write in to ask Uncut, send it to our dms
Speaker 2: on Instagram. Just put ask gun Cut at the top
Speaker 2: and you might make it on the podcast for some.
Speaker 3: Very unqualified advice from the two of us. But send
Speaker 3: them in.
Speaker 2: Also, if you haven't accidentally Unfiltered for our Tuesday's episode,
Speaker 2: and you guys can subscribe to the podcast wherever you're listening,
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