1 00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:07,840 Speaker 1: This is a Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coulson. 2 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:10,360 Speaker 2: We are Lukin Susie and this is the podcast for 3 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:13,640 Speaker 2: time poor parents who just want answers now. 4 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:16,760 Speaker 3: Luke Averril has written to us with a question. It's 5 00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:19,599 Speaker 3: kind of a general question about the state of our 6 00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:22,079 Speaker 3: lives today. Everyone is busy and working hard, there's a 7 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:25,080 Speaker 3: lot going on, and she's asked whether the time we're 8 00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:29,400 Speaker 3: spending with our children today is actually quality time and 9 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:31,680 Speaker 3: what does define it as quality? Anyway to help answer 10 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:34,480 Speaker 3: this question, Doctor Justin coils them from Happy Families dot 11 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:38,640 Speaker 3: com dot au. Hello, Hello, good to see you. This 12 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:41,720 Speaker 3: is a have some quality time. It is good to 13 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:44,000 Speaker 3: have some quality time. Difficult question to answer, I think, 14 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:46,159 Speaker 3: so that's why we're throwing it to you. How do 15 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:49,479 Speaker 3: you tell if you're having quality time? 16 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:53,800 Speaker 4: If your eyes meet one another's eyes, if you can 17 00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:59,000 Speaker 4: engage with each other without interruptions, chances are it's going 18 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:02,200 Speaker 4: to be some form of time. If your eyes are 19 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:05,279 Speaker 4: looking at a screen and if you're not really talking 20 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:07,920 Speaker 4: to each other, chances are it's not quality time. 21 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,240 Speaker 5: It really is that simple. 22 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,959 Speaker 4: In terms of what the data tell us, both mums 23 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,480 Speaker 4: and dads are spending more time with their children today 24 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:20,200 Speaker 4: than they have in decades, So that's great. Mums are 25 00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:24,280 Speaker 4: still doing the bulk of the quote unquote parenting, and 26 00:01:24,319 --> 00:01:26,959 Speaker 4: research shows that when dads are more involved with parenting 27 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:30,920 Speaker 4: that mum and dad are happier together. But in terms 28 00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:34,080 Speaker 4: of time together, the numbers are on the rise. The 29 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,759 Speaker 4: numbers are still I think dreadfully low, especially for dads, 30 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:40,080 Speaker 4: but they're on the rise, which is really good news. 31 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,600 Speaker 4: I think dads are spending on average, fourteen minutes per 32 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:44,119 Speaker 4: day one on one with their kids. 33 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:46,760 Speaker 5: Fourteen minutes. I mean, hello, Helle Loujah, how exciting. 34 00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:48,880 Speaker 1: Fourteen minutes kids, Let's do it now. 35 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:52,200 Speaker 4: You can't build a relationship when you're looking at the clock. 36 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,960 Speaker 4: You need to be looking at each other's eyes. Mums 37 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,920 Speaker 4: spend just over an hour with their kids per day, 38 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:58,240 Speaker 4: you know, in that sort of one on one dealing 39 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,000 Speaker 4: with the kids sort of stuff. But that doesn't necessarily 40 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,919 Speaker 4: mean it's quality time that includes. 41 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:05,680 Speaker 5: The wear your shoes, get your shoes. How many times 42 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,000 Speaker 5: do I have to tell you? 43 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:09,560 Speaker 1: I've told you? 44 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,400 Speaker 4: So, we're talking about time with kids one on one, 45 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:18,320 Speaker 4: not necessarily quality time. And I wouldn't suggest that time 46 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:22,840 Speaker 4: giving children instruction is necessarily going to be quality time. 47 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:25,480 Speaker 3: Can I ask about that one on one? Do you 48 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:30,000 Speaker 3: mean with each child that a mum is spending an 49 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:31,600 Speaker 3: hour with each child every day? 50 00:02:31,639 --> 00:02:34,440 Speaker 4: Around around about that one one and a quarter hours 51 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:36,760 Speaker 4: every day. Now bear in mind that the average Australian 52 00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:40,919 Speaker 4: family is not like mine with six children, not possible 53 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,160 Speaker 4: for us to spend one hour per day with our children. 54 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,799 Speaker 4: But the average family has about two kids to two 55 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:48,680 Speaker 4: point three or something like that, which means that parents 56 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:51,320 Speaker 4: could conceivably spend about an hour a day with each 57 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:52,920 Speaker 4: of their kids. By the time they do bath and 58 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:54,880 Speaker 4: meal time and story time and get the kids off 59 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:55,520 Speaker 4: to school. 60 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,640 Speaker 1: That would be the infant level would be higher. 61 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,960 Speaker 2: I would imagine, Yeah, yeah, for sure. 62 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:04,360 Speaker 4: So that's immensely doable, believe it or not. But dad's 63 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:07,480 Speaker 4: quite literally fourteen ish minutes per day. That was the 64 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,880 Speaker 4: last stat that I looked at from twenty sixteen. I think, 65 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:12,440 Speaker 4: so we can definitely do better. But in terms of 66 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:16,280 Speaker 4: quality time, it means that you're doing stuff together. I 67 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:17,679 Speaker 4: think the best way to do it is, say to 68 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:20,520 Speaker 4: just sit down tonight when you're at the dining table 69 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,640 Speaker 4: having dinner together with the screens off and look at 70 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:26,840 Speaker 4: the kids and say, what's the best time we've had 71 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:30,560 Speaker 4: together as a family lately? And I guarantee nobody is 72 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,760 Speaker 4: going to have a child that says, oh, do you 73 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:34,600 Speaker 4: remember last Saturday when we all sat in the lounge 74 00:03:34,639 --> 00:03:38,480 Speaker 4: room and stared at our screens and watched youtubes. 75 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:39,560 Speaker 5: With our headphones in. 76 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,360 Speaker 1: That was the best family ti I've ever. 77 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:45,080 Speaker 4: They're going to say, we went camping, or we went 78 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:47,720 Speaker 4: to I don't know the theme park, so we went to 79 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:49,800 Speaker 4: the beach and we went on that hike, or we 80 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,800 Speaker 4: went for that bike rider, we went to the park. 81 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,480 Speaker 5: They're going to talk about things that you've done together. 82 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:57,640 Speaker 4: Maybe you pulled out the skip bobble, the Uno cards 83 00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:00,080 Speaker 4: or the Phase ten cards and you played that for 84 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:01,840 Speaker 4: an hour and a half last weekend. Or maybe you're 85 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:05,200 Speaker 4: one of those families that does jinksaw puzzles or something 86 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:07,080 Speaker 4: I don't know, and everyone does their own thing, right, 87 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:10,400 Speaker 4: kick the footy, played netball. They're going to say those things, 88 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,120 Speaker 4: and that's that's your cue. You don't need a parenting 89 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:14,760 Speaker 4: expert to tell you how to have quality time. 90 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:16,640 Speaker 5: Ask your kids. They'll tell you. Right. 91 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:19,880 Speaker 2: Does let me ask you something specific to see does 92 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:21,400 Speaker 2: this count as quality in your mind. 93 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:25,640 Speaker 1: Going grocery shopping. I know that sounds good. 94 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:27,760 Speaker 2: I know it sounds silly, but so so often when 95 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:30,240 Speaker 2: I have a short trip like and I'm talking about 96 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:34,240 Speaker 2: there's big everything, stressful time specific. I've got three kids 97 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,720 Speaker 2: who are often they love their screens, and so if 98 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:39,560 Speaker 2: I'm just going to go to the shops, I go right, 99 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:42,760 Speaker 2: which one and I take one of them with me, 100 00:04:43,279 --> 00:04:45,839 Speaker 2: as every single time it makes it slower for me, 101 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:48,560 Speaker 2: but I go, no, this is where we're gonna as 102 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:50,560 Speaker 2: we walk up and down the aisles, we're going to talk. 103 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:52,400 Speaker 2: I'm going to get them to go get the bread 104 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,279 Speaker 2: for me because it's something that they can do, and 105 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:57,440 Speaker 2: just get them involved. So we're hanging out doing something together. 106 00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:59,560 Speaker 2: I know it's grocery shopping, and I know, but we 107 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,559 Speaker 2: have Does that count? 108 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:03,640 Speaker 5: Yeah? I think so. I mean there's good, there's better, 109 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:04,320 Speaker 5: and there's best. 110 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:08,640 Speaker 4: It's clearly not camping, yes, but you know what, we've 111 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,120 Speaker 4: got to do the groceries. And if you're going to 112 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,280 Speaker 4: go down to the shops, so much better to take 113 00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:13,400 Speaker 4: one of the kids with you and talk to them 114 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,760 Speaker 4: about their day, find out what's going on, talk to 115 00:05:15,839 --> 00:05:17,800 Speaker 4: them about the party that's coming up, or you know, 116 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,800 Speaker 4: the outing that they've got with a friend. 117 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,520 Speaker 5: Why not, that's that's perfect, That's that's quality time. 118 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,680 Speaker 2: I can't say that they're necessarily enamored by it yet 119 00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:28,400 Speaker 2: because they did paper rocks and the loser had to 120 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:28,880 Speaker 2: go with me. 121 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:31,960 Speaker 5: You need to make a better quality. 122 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:35,280 Speaker 1: I think it was more meat competing with the screens than. 123 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:39,600 Speaker 5: You can't compete sometimes I cannot. 124 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:41,560 Speaker 2: And we have a great time when we're there and 125 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:45,200 Speaker 2: they come back all excited. But yeah, it was the 126 00:05:45,279 --> 00:05:47,640 Speaker 2: thought of them leaving the device. But I go part 127 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,719 Speaker 2: of it. That's that's sort of a lifestyle that maybe 128 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:51,919 Speaker 2: we're a part of as well, and I want to 129 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,279 Speaker 2: break that and I want to go like, yes we 130 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:56,799 Speaker 2: kick the footing, and yes I take them to AFL games. 131 00:05:56,839 --> 00:05:59,719 Speaker 2: We have this dedicated time together. But I think even 132 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,840 Speaker 2: those day to day things that we can do for me, 133 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:03,800 Speaker 2: that's what I've been trying to do. 134 00:06:03,839 --> 00:06:05,279 Speaker 1: So I just wanted to get a tick of approval. 135 00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:08,440 Speaker 5: Good day of ord goes to Luke. 136 00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:11,560 Speaker 1: I'd like to think my mom, there's. 137 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:12,720 Speaker 4: A couple of other things that we can do though, 138 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:14,599 Speaker 4: So in our home we try to have one games 139 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:15,080 Speaker 4: night a week. 140 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,640 Speaker 5: We try to have Super Saturday every Saturday. 141 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:19,080 Speaker 4: Which means that everyone gets up nice and early and 142 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:20,680 Speaker 4: we go and do something as a family. But you 143 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,279 Speaker 4: know what, I've got three teenagers, and sometimes when the 144 00:06:23,279 --> 00:06:25,719 Speaker 4: alarm goes off at five point thirty on Saturday morning 145 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,640 Speaker 4: so that we can get where we're going and have 146 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:30,720 Speaker 4: a great day before it gets too hot, I'll have. 147 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:31,800 Speaker 5: Some teenager that just. 148 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:39,440 Speaker 4: Like yeah, and every now and again we just say, look, 149 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,800 Speaker 4: choice is yours, and sometimes they choose not to have 150 00:06:41,839 --> 00:06:45,080 Speaker 4: that quality time. We don't want to force it because 151 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:49,240 Speaker 4: there's nothing worse than trying to drag a fourteen year old, winging, whining, 152 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:52,520 Speaker 4: complaining teenager to the top of a five k high 153 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:53,400 Speaker 4: cup upper mountain. 154 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:54,600 Speaker 5: It just doesn't work well. 155 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,200 Speaker 1: There probably is something just trying to drag a forty 156 00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:57,640 Speaker 1: year old. 157 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:03,360 Speaker 4: Maybe maybe maybe, But it's about that quality time. It's 158 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:06,159 Speaker 4: about making sure that they know that they're valued and 159 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:08,880 Speaker 4: they're wanted and that we're interested in them. 160 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:12,480 Speaker 2: So you talked about I mean an eyeballing is one 161 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:15,280 Speaker 2: of the key things. But for me, and tell me 162 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:18,520 Speaker 2: if this works in future criteria for me, I'll go, 163 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,040 Speaker 2: what's the subconscious message that I'm sending the kids. And 164 00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:23,920 Speaker 2: I got challenged by this because I counted time where 165 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:25,800 Speaker 2: I sat in the loungey and watching the same TV 166 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:29,520 Speaker 2: show as them, and then realizing that I wasn't necessarily 167 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:32,400 Speaker 2: choosing them, And so I went to my question. I 168 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:35,280 Speaker 2: asked myself, is is the subconscious message they're going to 169 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,600 Speaker 2: get from this time that I've chosen them over work, 170 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:40,600 Speaker 2: that I've chosen them over other things, that they know 171 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:42,840 Speaker 2: that they've got my attention. 172 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:45,600 Speaker 4: Look, it's a really tricky one. I'm so glad you 173 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:49,280 Speaker 4: brought that up, because there's some screen time in our 174 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,200 Speaker 4: house that works for us to have quality time. 175 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:52,640 Speaker 5: A couple of my. 176 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,880 Speaker 4: Girls, my second and third eldest, they're both in their 177 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:58,880 Speaker 4: teens now, and they've fallen in love with a TV 178 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:04,680 Speaker 4: show they love The Flash, and we have quality time 179 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:06,320 Speaker 4: with them one or two nights a week. We sit 180 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:09,160 Speaker 4: down and we watch an episode with them, Kylie, myself 181 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:12,760 Speaker 4: and those two kids, and they love it and they 182 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,080 Speaker 4: sit there and they giggle and they love at the TV. 183 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:16,720 Speaker 5: And then they look at us and they're like, isn't 184 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:20,880 Speaker 5: this awesome? And We're like, sure, it's that you went 185 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,920 Speaker 5: to their world. We've gone into their world. That's right. 186 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,880 Speaker 4: So I started off by saying that if their screens involved, 187 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,120 Speaker 4: it's not going to be quality time. But I need 188 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:32,080 Speaker 4: to just backpedal from that affraction because sometimes by honoring 189 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:36,120 Speaker 4: what they value, we get to enter their world and 190 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:37,400 Speaker 4: show that we care about them. 191 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:40,000 Speaker 2: Is that where that what I was saying before about effectively, 192 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,480 Speaker 2: you've subconsciously. 193 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:43,680 Speaker 1: Communicated to them, You've chosen that's correct. And then I've just. 194 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:46,480 Speaker 4: Chosen them because they know that that is literally the 195 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:50,520 Speaker 4: only I don't watch TV zero. That's just I don't 196 00:08:50,559 --> 00:08:52,360 Speaker 4: have time for it, and they know that that's my 197 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:53,840 Speaker 4: life philosophy. 198 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:55,200 Speaker 5: I just don't have time for TV. 199 00:08:55,679 --> 00:08:57,600 Speaker 4: And so they know that I am making a very 200 00:08:57,640 --> 00:08:59,839 Speaker 4: deliberate choice to have that time with them. 201 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:01,640 Speaker 5: They actually treasure it. 202 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:03,760 Speaker 2: It's quite interesting because even with Susie and I, there's 203 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:06,040 Speaker 2: a show that we have that we love and a 204 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:09,120 Speaker 2: new episode comes out on Netflix each week, and we 205 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,920 Speaker 2: don't watch it individually, like we wait until we get 206 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:15,560 Speaker 2: a time where well, that's our thing together and whether 207 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,200 Speaker 2: it be first thing in the morning and whether it 208 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,560 Speaker 2: be after the kids are in bed at night. We 209 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:25,679 Speaker 2: watched Designated Survivor together together. It's almost like and the 210 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,800 Speaker 2: mere fact that it's something we share it makes it 211 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:30,720 Speaker 2: a bit more special than just watching an episode of 212 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:31,280 Speaker 2: a TV show. 213 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:34,000 Speaker 4: I'll still always argue that time away from screens will 214 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,280 Speaker 4: be of a higher quality. 215 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:38,800 Speaker 1: But I want to Yeah, you haven't seen disignatus? 216 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:44,440 Speaker 3: So what was the question that we're asking it around 217 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:45,319 Speaker 3: the dinner table tonight? 218 00:09:45,559 --> 00:09:47,880 Speaker 4: The question that I want to ask is what was 219 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,440 Speaker 4: the best time we've had as a family recently? 220 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:52,200 Speaker 5: What's it been our favorite time together? 221 00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:55,600 Speaker 3: Great to get some insight into what our children see 222 00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:58,080 Speaker 3: as quality time with us. Great question, Averil. Thank you 223 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,320 Speaker 3: so much for sending that through, and thank you doctor 224 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,000 Speaker 3: Justin Coulson from Happy Families dot com. 225 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:02,319 Speaker 2: That are you. 226 00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:04,960 Speaker 3: If you like some more information on how parenting can 227 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,559 Speaker 3: be a little bit easier in your family, there's resources 228 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:11,400 Speaker 3: available at the website happyfamilies dot com dot au, or 229 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:13,840 Speaker 3: if you're interested in having doctor Justin Coulson speak at 230 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:17,040 Speaker 3: your community, group, organization, or event, you can find out 231 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:26,160 Speaker 3: more at Justinculson dot com.