1
00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,080
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

2
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:10,560
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.

3
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:11,920
Speaker 2: Now, what if you were to structure your life in

4
00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:14,080
Speaker 2: such a way that you're getting up early, you're staying

5
00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:17,040
Speaker 2: away from your phone, that you're connecting with somebody, maybe

6
00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:19,759
Speaker 2: going up for breakfast once a week. What if we

7
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:22,960
Speaker 2: could structure our lives in such a way that we

8
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:24,160
Speaker 2: were taking control.

9
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:27,720
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom

10
00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:28,280
Speaker 1: and dad.

11
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:31,280
Speaker 3: So yesterday morning, our twelve year old came to me

12
00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:35,280
Speaker 3: with a piece of notepaper that she'd folded in half,

13
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:40,920
Speaker 3: and she'd written handwritten the word signed, with a line okay,

14
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,919
Speaker 3: so for your signature, to write my signature.

15
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,959
Speaker 2: Why did you want your signature? I said to her,

16
00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:47,960
Speaker 2: hang on, did you say it was folded? It was folded, Well,

17
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:51,559
Speaker 2: it's all you could see was signed, that's right. And

18
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,400
Speaker 2: I looked at her, very sophisticated I.

19
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:59,400
Speaker 3: Looked at her and I said, I'm not so, I'm

20
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,240
Speaker 3: not sure what you think I'm about to do, but

21
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,120
Speaker 3: I clearly am not going to sign a piece of

22
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:07,039
Speaker 3: paper without recognizing that there's something else on the other side.

23
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:10,160
Speaker 3: So I turned it over and there'd been a conversation

24
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:12,120
Speaker 3: in the car the day before about the fact that

25
00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:15,080
Speaker 3: there's a kid at their school who wears her sports

26
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:18,560
Speaker 3: uniform every day. She doesn't have to wear formal uniform, right,

27
00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,160
Speaker 3: And the conversation kind of went that she'd got her

28
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,639
Speaker 3: parents to send in a note, so.

29
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:27,840
Speaker 2: Lily the medical reasons to not wear my regular uniform.

30
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:32,160
Speaker 3: Lily hates wearing her formal uniform, so she had written

31
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:35,000
Speaker 3: a note and she wanted me to sign it unseen.

32
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:38,360
Speaker 2: Please excuse my daughter from wearing her uniform. I love

33
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,800
Speaker 2: that we are justin and Chlie calls my The parents

34
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,440
Speaker 2: were six kids, and we love the fact that you

35
00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,039
Speaker 2: listen to the Happy Families podcast. We also love that

36
00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:48,400
Speaker 2: the podcast has been nominated as one of Australia's Best

37
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,600
Speaker 2: Parenting podcasts for the upcoming Australian Podcast Awards. We need

38
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:56,160
Speaker 2: your help. There's this thing called the Listener's Choice Podcast Award.

39
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:58,400
Speaker 2: We've only just found out about it and we would

40
00:01:58,440 --> 00:01:59,680
Speaker 2: love for you to vote for us. If you like

41
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:03,480
Speaker 2: the pod, would you please jump onto Australian Podcast Awards

42
00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:06,640
Speaker 2: dot com slash vote. That's all you got to do.

43
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:10,320
Speaker 2: Australian Podcast Awards dot com slash vote.

44
00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:11,919
Speaker 3: We'll stick the link in the You will put the

45
00:02:11,919 --> 00:02:14,320
Speaker 3: link in the show, not yeah, search for the podcast

46
00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:15,639
Speaker 3: to just type in happy Families.

47
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:18,760
Speaker 2: The podcast will come up. Put in your email address. Vote.

48
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,000
Speaker 2: We would love We would love it if you would

49
00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:22,720
Speaker 2: do that. I want to promise you that we will

50
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:26,280
Speaker 2: do amazing things for you, but we don't. I can't

51
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,359
Speaker 2: make any promises. We'll keep the podcast going well, We'll

52
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:32,000
Speaker 2: keep doing great podcasts and hopefully that will be helpful. Now,

53
00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:34,040
Speaker 2: one other thing that I want to mention just quickly, Kylie.

54
00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:38,960
Speaker 2: Last Wednesday we talked about a child with ADHD and

55
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:43,720
Speaker 2: autism and now dyslexia and helping a mom grapple with

56
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:47,000
Speaker 2: the challenges associated with that. I always struggle with those podcasts,

57
00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:48,880
Speaker 2: so I'm never quite sure that we can be helpful

58
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:51,520
Speaker 2: when there are so many pressing and challenging issues that

59
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:54,000
Speaker 2: parents are dealing with. When somebody takes the time to

60
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,600
Speaker 2: email us podcasts at happy Families dot com dot IU,

61
00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,000
Speaker 2: it tells me that we've struck a chord because people

62
00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:00,880
Speaker 2: are busy, right, and when you a podcast, you're in

63
00:03:00,919 --> 00:03:02,440
Speaker 2: the car, or you're in the garden, or you're walking.

64
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:04,720
Speaker 2: You're not sitting in front of the computer waiting for

65
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:07,760
Speaker 2: an opportunity to email, but Jack sent an email through

66
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:09,760
Speaker 2: and I wanted to share it just because it highlights

67
00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:12,200
Speaker 2: the things that we talk about matter. Early on in

68
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,000
Speaker 2: this podcast we were accused of only talking about the

69
00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:16,080
Speaker 2: light and fluffy stuff. I think we've remedied that we

70
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:18,840
Speaker 2: talk about real issues. And Jack said, I just wanted

71
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:22,120
Speaker 2: to say thank you for the podcast episode on diagnosis.

72
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:25,280
Speaker 2: It was so practical and advocates for our kiddies with

73
00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:28,960
Speaker 2: differences coming from a mom of an autistic ADHD child

74
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,480
Speaker 2: as well as being autistic myself. It's conversations like yours

75
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,480
Speaker 2: that need to be had across the world. And so

76
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,040
Speaker 2: Jack from Brisbane, we just appreciate so much you're taking

77
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:40,400
Speaker 2: the time to email as podcasts at Happy Families dot

78
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:43,200
Speaker 2: com dot au to let us know that what we're

79
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,760
Speaker 2: doing makes a difference. We really really appreciate it.

80
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,080
Speaker 3: Well, today we have another question that we're going to answer.

81
00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:49,800
Speaker 3: Why are you looking at me like that?

82
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,480
Speaker 2: I'm looking at you with the smile on my face.

83
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:54,800
Speaker 2: I'm crazy about you. Why you're talking. I'm listening to you,

84
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,960
Speaker 2: But what are we doing today on the podcast? Don't

85
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,760
Speaker 2: feel nervous? I look at you when we talk all

86
00:03:58,800 --> 00:03:59,280
Speaker 2: the time.

87
00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:02,280
Speaker 3: So today we're going to answer a question yes from

88
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:07,200
Speaker 3: one of our premium members who posted about parental burnout.

89
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,720
Speaker 2: Yeah. So in our Happy Families premium membership, you get

90
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,320
Speaker 2: access to a closed Facebook group and it's a really

91
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:15,680
Speaker 2: great community. There's so many good conversations that happen there,

92
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:17,200
Speaker 2: and I jump in there now and then. But the

93
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,039
Speaker 2: community is so supportive that quite often the community does

94
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:23,919
Speaker 2: the job for me, which is so beautiful. And what

95
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:25,840
Speaker 2: one mum said, and I'm going to read the whole

96
00:04:25,839 --> 00:04:29,960
Speaker 2: thing because I think it deserves really fleshing out. She said,

97
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,320
Speaker 2: I feel a bit alone with this. I've been severely

98
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:35,479
Speaker 2: depressed and burned out. I see a psychologist. I have

99
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,960
Speaker 2: a good GP. We earn quote unquote too much to

100
00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:41,359
Speaker 2: qualify for services that help out with the practical stuff

101
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,160
Speaker 2: at home, but all of our money goes on therapies

102
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:47,080
Speaker 2: for me and my oldest who has severe anxiety. My

103
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,520
Speaker 2: parents live three hours away, don't visit often. My brothers

104
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:52,320
Speaker 2: are quite young and I wouldn't trust them with my kids.

105
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:56,080
Speaker 2: I have about three close friends. One lives in another state,

106
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,599
Speaker 2: the other's always busy, and the other I also would

107
00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:00,920
Speaker 2: rather not leave my kids with I don't have many

108
00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:02,920
Speaker 2: other friends, lots of acquaintances. My in laws are getting

109
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:04,520
Speaker 2: older and I asked them for help. My father in

110
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,400
Speaker 2: law is only willing to bring his wife, who doesn't

111
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:09,799
Speaker 2: drive over to help us six hours once a week.

112
00:05:10,279 --> 00:05:12,440
Speaker 2: He says it's because one day they won't be able

113
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,320
Speaker 2: to help it all and I need to get used

114
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:17,080
Speaker 2: to it, and she can't say no to him. I

115
00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:20,599
Speaker 2: work weekends, hobby works long hours on weekdays. I just

116
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:23,480
Speaker 2: don't feel supported at all, and my burnout is high.

117
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,520
Speaker 2: But what do you do when you can't rely on

118
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:29,479
Speaker 2: anyone else? And I read that question, I thought, I

119
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,200
Speaker 2: reckon there would be so many people who can relate

120
00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:34,520
Speaker 2: to that, a lack of support, feeling isolated and not

121
00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:36,680
Speaker 2: knowing where to turn. I thought, we've got to talk

122
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,160
Speaker 2: about that, especially as we get closer to school holidays.

123
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,760
Speaker 2: I mean, we're only a month away from school holidays now,

124
00:05:41,839 --> 00:05:43,520
Speaker 2: and this is the long break, this is the summer

125
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:45,960
Speaker 2: break where a lot of parents have still got to

126
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:48,160
Speaker 2: go to work and the kids are kind of left

127
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:49,039
Speaker 2: to their own devices.

128
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,000
Speaker 3: I know she said she feels alone in this, but

129
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:53,240
Speaker 3: like you said, I think that This is something that

130
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:57,600
Speaker 3: a lot of mums can relate to, and I've definitely

131
00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:01,960
Speaker 3: experienced those feelings multiple times in our parenting journey.

132
00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, so for me, there's one major thing that I

133
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,200
Speaker 2: want to start with. And I recognize that this may

134
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:10,560
Speaker 2: be a little bit sensitive, but we need to go there.

135
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,479
Speaker 3: You've got me intrigued. I've got a list here, but

136
00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:15,599
Speaker 3: I get the impression that it's not on the list.

137
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:19,680
Speaker 2: There's a presentation that I give to staff, mainly in

138
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,360
Speaker 2: education circles, but every now and again in other corporate

139
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:25,359
Speaker 2: environments as well. And the presentation is called running on

140
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,240
Speaker 2: Empty because it feels like we're all running on empty. Now.

141
00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:29,719
Speaker 2: I could do this with a group of parents, as

142
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,080
Speaker 2: much as I could do it with teachers, as much

143
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:32,840
Speaker 2: as I could do it with corporate executives. It wouldn't

144
00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:34,760
Speaker 2: matter who I do it with. The first question that

145
00:06:34,839 --> 00:06:38,320
Speaker 2: I ask is, why are you running on empty? Right now?

146
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:39,839
Speaker 2: If you were to look at your life, look at

147
00:06:39,839 --> 00:06:42,000
Speaker 2: everything that's going on professionally, look at everything that's happening

148
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,800
Speaker 2: in your environment, why are you so stressed out, burned out,

149
00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:49,000
Speaker 2: overworked and run out? And what happens is everyone gets

150
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:50,640
Speaker 2: into their groups and they write down the big long

151
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:53,200
Speaker 2: list of all the reasons that they are so stressed out,

152
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:56,800
Speaker 2: and the list is good. It usually has something to

153
00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:59,920
Speaker 2: do with the requirements of the government or the bureaucras

154
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:03,240
Speaker 2: or the policies and procedures of the organization. As parents,

155
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:04,840
Speaker 2: we would say, well, it's all the things that are

156
00:07:04,839 --> 00:07:07,760
Speaker 2: in the list that came through this email. We've got

157
00:07:07,839 --> 00:07:11,240
Speaker 2: really good reasons why we're so stressed out and tired out.

158
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,760
Speaker 2: And I'll then look at the list and one by

159
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,680
Speaker 2: one I'll say, how many of these things do you

160
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:18,920
Speaker 2: have control over? And usually, whether they're educators or corporate

161
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,040
Speaker 2: executives or whoever it is, they'll say it, not very

162
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:24,440
Speaker 2: much at all. Most of these things are enforced upon us.

163
00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:26,760
Speaker 2: And that's actually what burnout is. It's when you don't

164
00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:29,360
Speaker 2: feel like you've got a sense of control, you feel

165
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:34,280
Speaker 2: like you have no agency. That's where burnout comes from.

166
00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:39,080
Speaker 3: So when I'm in that really dark, hard place, there's

167
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:42,000
Speaker 3: this sense that I can't give away my children, like

168
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,360
Speaker 3: my children seem to be the burden that I'm wearing

169
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,680
Speaker 3: because they are the ones that add to my workload.

170
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:49,120
Speaker 3: Right I can't get rid of them. Right there, isn't

171
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:51,800
Speaker 3: anything I can do to make a situation.

172
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,200
Speaker 2: Better precisely, And that's pretty much no matter what the

173
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:56,040
Speaker 2: environment is, that's pretty much where we get to. I

174
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,200
Speaker 2: can't do anything. I'm stuck. That's why I'm burnt out.

175
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,960
Speaker 2: So everyone is in agreement. Then I switch the conversation completely,

176
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:03,080
Speaker 2: So let's go down a totally different road for a moment.

177
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:06,480
Speaker 2: What makes life most worth living? And people put together

178
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:10,800
Speaker 2: these just beautiful lists. It's all about connection, it's about

179
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:14,840
Speaker 2: time and nature. It's exercise, it's good food and having

180
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:17,240
Speaker 2: a holiday now and then or time away, and it's

181
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:21,160
Speaker 2: meaning and purpose and activity. Sometimes people even say it's

182
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:23,880
Speaker 2: doing things that are hard. And we get this list,

183
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,680
Speaker 2: often there'll be twenty or thirty things on the board.

184
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:28,240
Speaker 2: It's a magical list. You look at that list and think, wow,

185
00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:30,720
Speaker 2: that is a life worth living, that is a life

186
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:33,079
Speaker 2: well lived. And then I'll ask the same question that

187
00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:35,800
Speaker 2: I asked with the previous list, how much control do

188
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:37,600
Speaker 2: you have over the extent to which these things are

189
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,120
Speaker 2: in your life? And everyone says a total control. I

190
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:43,560
Speaker 2: control my relationships. I control whether I go for a

191
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,000
Speaker 2: walk or whether I sit in front of the television.

192
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,000
Speaker 2: And then I'll ask the question, so, how many of

193
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,920
Speaker 2: you are doing these things? And the answer consistently is no.

194
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,280
Speaker 2: When I get home, I do the chores. I do

195
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:56,720
Speaker 2: all the stuff that has to be done, and fair enough,

196
00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:58,920
Speaker 2: the household has to run. But then when I am

197
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,280
Speaker 2: done with that, I get into bed. I'm exhausted, and

198
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:04,040
Speaker 2: then I scroll or I watch Netflix. I scroll my

199
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,760
Speaker 2: phone or I watch Netflix. And it's at that point

200
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:07,960
Speaker 2: and I'll say, and how long do you do that?

201
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:10,280
Speaker 2: Ten o'clock, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, And then what time

202
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:11,440
Speaker 2: do you get up? And how do you feel when

203
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,680
Speaker 2: you get up? Burn out over it, out of control.

204
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:17,360
Speaker 2: The conversation then goes to, what if you were to

205
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,080
Speaker 2: structure your life in such a way that you're getting

206
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:21,800
Speaker 2: up early, you're staying away from your phone, that you're

207
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,880
Speaker 2: connecting with somebody, maybe going up for breakfast once a week.

208
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:30,000
Speaker 2: That creates a sense of time, not time scarcity, but

209
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:34,200
Speaker 2: time abundance. What if we could structure our lives in

210
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:38,199
Speaker 2: such a way that we were taking control. Now, there

211
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,880
Speaker 2: are always going to be priorities and urgencies and things

212
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:42,760
Speaker 2: that we can't deal with. But when I read a

213
00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:45,600
Speaker 2: letter like this and I think to myself, what if

214
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:48,800
Speaker 2: we could just control one thing each morning a little better,

215
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:50,600
Speaker 2: what time I get up, or one thing a little

216
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,560
Speaker 2: better at night, what time I go to bed, or

217
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:56,199
Speaker 2: a little less screen time, half an hour before bed,

218
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,520
Speaker 2: half an hour after I wake up. What if I

219
00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:59,720
Speaker 2: did the things that matter most to me, might I

220
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:02,040
Speaker 2: feel like time was a little bit more abundant if

221
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,800
Speaker 2: I did those things. It may again, for somebody who's

222
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,840
Speaker 2: got depression, who's in the think of it right now,

223
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:09,120
Speaker 2: it may sound like I'm coming from this privileged position

224
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:13,240
Speaker 2: where I don't understand. But as a couple with six

225
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:16,760
Speaker 2: children and two businesses, and having been through the absolute

226
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:20,160
Speaker 2: ringer over the last twenty years, as I've done studies

227
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:23,199
Speaker 2: and built businesses and all that kind of thing, that's

228
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,559
Speaker 2: what we had to do. And it wasn't until we

229
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:28,840
Speaker 2: learnt those lessons that it felt like, Okay, this is manageable,

230
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,160
Speaker 2: this is achievable. I think they're the things that I'd

231
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:36,280
Speaker 2: really like to emphasize. Now, there's a couple of other

232
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,120
Speaker 2: things that we need to talk about, but time's running out,

233
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:39,800
Speaker 2: so let's go through a couple of other things quickly.

234
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:44,520
Speaker 2: As I read through this email, this question. I'm mindful

235
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,679
Speaker 2: that we've got some in laws who are willing to

236
00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:48,200
Speaker 2: come over and help out one day a week for

237
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:52,400
Speaker 2: six hours. There's part of its ecstatic saying yes, awesome,

238
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:55,199
Speaker 2: that's amazing. A weekly commitment for six hours is actually

239
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:58,400
Speaker 2: a big commitment, and so there's a sense that they

240
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,000
Speaker 2: should be doing more. It's that perhaps they've got the

241
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,920
Speaker 2: capacity to and it would be nice if they would

242
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,760
Speaker 2: do more. So I want to say two things on this.

243
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,280
Speaker 2: Number One, so much gratitude that they're willing to do

244
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:09,800
Speaker 2: once a week for six hours. That is a huge

245
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:12,520
Speaker 2: that's a day. That's a huge load. Yeah, so that's

246
00:11:12,559 --> 00:11:15,199
Speaker 2: six hours. Take advantage of it for sure. The second

247
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,080
Speaker 2: thing is if it's not enough and you think that

248
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,840
Speaker 2: there's capacity to do more, and the mother in law

249
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,720
Speaker 2: is willing but the father in law isn't. But obviously

250
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,920
Speaker 2: there's that reliance on the transport issue. I'd be getting

251
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:28,320
Speaker 2: my hubby to have a chat and say, hey, guys,

252
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:30,640
Speaker 2: we're really struggling right now, and I know there's that

253
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:32,199
Speaker 2: hole the father in law is saying, well, you better

254
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:33,280
Speaker 2: get used to it, because we're not going to be

255
00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:35,320
Speaker 2: able to help for much longer. The thing is you

256
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:39,439
Speaker 2: can help now, so I'd be getting my husband to say, yeah,

257
00:11:39,679 --> 00:11:41,079
Speaker 2: in the future, that's going to be an issue. But

258
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,880
Speaker 2: guess what, the kid's going to be older soon as well.

259
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,400
Speaker 3: Exactly right, by the time you're not around, we probably

260
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:46,200
Speaker 3: won't need your help.

261
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:48,040
Speaker 2: The kids will have aged out of it. Yeah, so

262
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:50,640
Speaker 2: let's get the help now if we can get it.

263
00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:53,040
Speaker 2: But please don't just rely on them, I reckon. I mean,

264
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,240
Speaker 2: if your mom or my mom was willing to give

265
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,439
Speaker 2: us six hours a week, you and I'd be clicking

266
00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:59,640
Speaker 2: our heels and running down the street going this is awesome,

267
00:11:59,679 --> 00:12:02,600
Speaker 2: because very very few families would get that level of support.

268
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,520
Speaker 3: I think the other thing that in relation to that,

269
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:08,520
Speaker 3: there's this acknowledgment that Harby works long hours and so

270
00:12:08,559 --> 00:12:11,280
Speaker 3: he's out of the house a lot, and we obviously

271
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:14,280
Speaker 3: don't know, We've got very limited information, but I know

272
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:17,400
Speaker 3: when I think about our relationship, you work really long hours,

273
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:20,120
Speaker 3: and I work really long hours. I might not have

274
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:21,560
Speaker 3: a paycheck at the end of the week, but I

275
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:24,880
Speaker 3: work really long hours too, And it can be very

276
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:28,920
Speaker 3: easy as the stay at home parent in the house

277
00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:33,040
Speaker 3: to feel like we don't want to burden the breadwinner

278
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:36,760
Speaker 3: with extra stuff because they've got it really tough. But

279
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,320
Speaker 3: the reality is the only way our relationship works is

280
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:41,360
Speaker 3: when we actually support each other. Just as in the

281
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:45,200
Speaker 3: previous story with my friend, we're both carrying heavy loads,

282
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,640
Speaker 3: and if we can recognize that and see that and

283
00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:51,280
Speaker 3: support each other the best we can with our limited resources,

284
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,240
Speaker 3: it actually works better.

285
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:55,559
Speaker 2: So I want to speak for most men right now.

286
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,400
Speaker 2: I don't know if they'll appreciate me speaking for them

287
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:58,720
Speaker 2: like this, but I'm going to speak for most men

288
00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:03,120
Speaker 2: right now. I have found is that the harder I

289
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:06,160
Speaker 2: work to support you, even though I'm busy and exhausted

290
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,320
Speaker 2: and have a headache and have had another really long,

291
00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:10,320
Speaker 2: hard day. When I get home, if I can help

292
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:11,840
Speaker 2: with the kids, or if I can do something with

293
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:14,080
Speaker 2: the meal or turn on the barbecue, or do something

294
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,760
Speaker 2: productive and constructive to lighten your load, I feel better

295
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,360
Speaker 2: about being a dad, I feel better about being a husband.

296
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:24,680
Speaker 2: It's valuable. So just want to acknowledge that. Look a

297
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:27,360
Speaker 2: couple of other things, and then we need to wrap up.

298
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:31,239
Speaker 2: This person who has sent us this email has identified

299
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:35,240
Speaker 2: that they have depression, and I therefore want to acknowledge

300
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:36,719
Speaker 2: that all the things we've said so far over the

301
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:41,040
Speaker 2: last sort of fifteen or sixteen minutes may be a

302
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:44,120
Speaker 2: source of frustration. They may actually make the burden feel

303
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:47,280
Speaker 2: heavier because now we're saying you're in some ways, it

304
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:50,079
Speaker 2: could feel like we're invalidating the experience. I don't want

305
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:53,319
Speaker 2: it to feel like that. If you have depression receiving advice,

306
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,640
Speaker 2: even if you're asking for it, sometimes you don't really

307
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:56,920
Speaker 2: want the advice. You just want someone to give your

308
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,760
Speaker 2: hug and say no, it's really hard. So please for

309
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:03,000
Speaker 2: the for this anonymous poster, we just want you to know,

310
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,280
Speaker 2: if you're having that hard a time and you're getting

311
00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:08,800
Speaker 2: good help, which you've indicated you are, sometimes our advice,

312
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:11,040
Speaker 2: as well meaning as it is, may not be helpful.

313
00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:14,199
Speaker 2: So you know better than we do your circumstances. We've

314
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,800
Speaker 2: only got ten lines of an email. That's all we've got,

315
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:20,920
Speaker 2: And I just want to acknowledge the mental health ramifications

316
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,440
Speaker 2: impacting the rest of your life and making you feel

317
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:27,040
Speaker 2: bird out. There's a big interplay happening there. But let's

318
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,640
Speaker 2: wrap up with one last idea.

319
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,960
Speaker 3: So when we had baby number three, I went through

320
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:36,120
Speaker 3: probably the darkest period of my parenting journey. Yeah, and

321
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,840
Speaker 3: one of the hardest lessons I had to learn, and

322
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,600
Speaker 3: it actually was forced upon me. I got to a

323
00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:46,960
Speaker 3: point where I physically and mentally and emotionally dropped my bundle.

324
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:52,000
Speaker 3: Was learning to accept help when it was offered. Learning

325
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,920
Speaker 3: to let go of having to have the house a

326
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:59,480
Speaker 3: certain way, having to have beautiful, home cooked meals on

327
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:02,560
Speaker 3: the table every night, learning to, you know, have the

328
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:05,920
Speaker 3: kids bathed every night, whatever it was, Learning to let

329
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:09,760
Speaker 3: go of the expectations I had on what a good

330
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,800
Speaker 3: mother looked like, and what a good wife looked like,

331
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:14,840
Speaker 3: and what it meant to, you know, live a good life.

332
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,680
Speaker 3: I actually had to let go of all of that

333
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:20,440
Speaker 3: and be willing to accept whatever help came my way.

334
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:23,840
Speaker 3: That was really, really hard. It was very very humbling,

335
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:30,080
Speaker 3: But through that experience, it actually allowed me to practice

336
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:34,400
Speaker 3: more kindness, kindness for myself and recognizing that right now

337
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:36,960
Speaker 3: I'm in this hard, hard place, but it's not always

338
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:37,560
Speaker 3: going to be like that.

339
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:39,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, the word is self compassion.

340
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,720
Speaker 3: It's not always going to be hard, but right now

341
00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:44,880
Speaker 3: it is. And if my friend was going through this,

342
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,440
Speaker 3: I would do everything I could to lighten her load.

343
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:49,920
Speaker 3: So what can you do to lighten your own load?

344
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:53,320
Speaker 2: A bunch of ideas, some easy to hear, some hard

345
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:57,160
Speaker 2: to hear, but hopefully helpful. We really hope that today's

346
00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:01,000
Speaker 2: podcast has been useful for a people going through all

347
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:04,480
Speaker 2: kinds of parenting dramas and feeling a little bit isolated. Tomorrow,

348
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:07,000
Speaker 2: on the Happy Families Podcast, should my kids get a job?

349
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,400
Speaker 2: Is it okay for kids to be out there working?

350
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,440
Speaker 2: Shouldn't they be focused on their academics. We're going to

351
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,120
Speaker 2: talk about that and a really important conversation about how

352
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:19,480
Speaker 2: our adolescent boys are being subjects of sextortion. The Australian

353
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:22,320
Speaker 2: Federal Police join us on Wednesday on the Happy Families

354
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:27,320
Speaker 2: Podcast to talk about a big, heavy topic. One more

355
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,960
Speaker 2: reminder as well, We would love for you to vote.

356
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,800
Speaker 2: Please please vote the Australian Podcast Awards. Just go to

357
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:36,080
Speaker 2: Australian Podcast Awards dot com slash vote type in Happy Families.

358
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,960
Speaker 2: We'd love to be the People's Choice Awards, So spread

359
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,680
Speaker 2: the word, get everyone you know to vote for us,

360
00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:44,040
Speaker 2: and that would be so good. The Happy Family's podcast

361
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:47,200
Speaker 2: is produced as always by Justin Rawan from Bridge Media,

362
00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:49,400
Speaker 2: who does an incredible job. We don't make it easy

363
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:52,560
Speaker 2: for him sometimes, but he's just fabulous. He's from Bridge Media.

364
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:55,000
Speaker 2: Craig Bruce is our executive producer and if you'd like

365
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,480
Speaker 2: more information about how to make your family happier, please

366
00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:59,560
Speaker 2: visit us at happy families dot com, dot you, or

367
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,680
Speaker 2: our face book page Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families

368
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:11,159
Speaker 3: MHM