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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers now.

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Speaker 2: And I knew that I needed a good head start

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Speaker 2: to get up those stairs because we'd come down a.

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Speaker 3: Few I think it was just because you need some.

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Speaker 4: Space, but I did need some space because as you

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Speaker 4: walked away, You're like, I can't believe we had to

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Speaker 4: come all the way here to listen to these kids fight.

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Speaker 3: We could have done that at home.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 3: Hello.

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Speaker 4: This is doctor Justin Coulson, the founder of Happy Families

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Speaker 4: dot com dot IU and the author of a bunch

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Speaker 4: of books about making your family happy. I'm here with Kylie, mum,

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Speaker 4: to our six kids and Mother's Day two days away.

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Speaker 4: We are crossing our fingers that this Mother's Day we

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Speaker 4: don't flood the bath and have the rumpus room ceiling

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Speaker 4: fall in on top of us.

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Speaker 2: We're living in a single story building, so that's not possible.

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Speaker 3: I don't think it's going to I think that you might.

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Speaker 2: Be a little bit less adventurous this year, and maybe

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Speaker 2: just a bunch of flowers and some chocolates would be

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Speaker 2: a great start for Mother's Day.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, and you know, I've just realized I'm gonna have

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Speaker 4: to do something about it today. I haven't even sent

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Speaker 4: anything to my mum and it's Mother's Day. I just

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Speaker 4: there's a lot going on where a little bit I

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Speaker 4: don't know what the word is, Kylie, like things aren't

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Speaker 4: quite where they're supposed to be. We moved out of

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Speaker 4: our house, what's it been like two weeks ago. We're

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Speaker 4: still in and out of airbnbs. We get the keys

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Speaker 4: to our house in another week and a half. Feeling

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Speaker 4: a bit what's the word like, out of sorts, Like discombobulated.

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Speaker 3: That's a word.

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Speaker 5: I want to say.

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Speaker 2: There must be a study out there to kind of

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Speaker 2: put this all into perspective. But I feel like we've

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Speaker 2: come so far, and we've done so well for so long,

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Speaker 2: and now there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

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Speaker 2: We know we've only got a few more weeks, and

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Speaker 2: I feel like we're coming apart at the scenes.

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Speaker 4: It's been a full four months that we haven't been

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Speaker 4: living in what you would call normal circumstances, and.

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Speaker 3: The next couple of weeks can't happen fast enough.

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Speaker 4: Kind of in limbo but that's not really what today's

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Speaker 4: although I think it'll probably tie in with a little

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Speaker 4: bit I'll do better tomorrow. Is what we talk about

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Speaker 4: every Friday. This is where we re examined the week

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Speaker 4: that was and find areas where we might do better

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Speaker 4: so that we can be better parents. It's about intentional,

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Speaker 4: reflective parenting. This week, I'm going to go first. If

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Speaker 4: that's okay with you, I've got a nod, I've got

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Speaker 4: a smile. Okay, here we go. So last week, as

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Speaker 4: you recall, Kylie, I got to spend the day on

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Speaker 4: I think it was Thursday last week with doctor Shafari,

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Speaker 4: Oprah's parenting expert. Shefai has been writing about conscious parenting

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Speaker 4: for a number of years now and is globally recognized

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Speaker 4: as something of a parenting superstar, blending.

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Speaker 3: Sort of Western and Eastern philosophies.

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Speaker 4: And seeing her event in Brisbane, got to hang out

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Speaker 4: backstage with her and then we did a one and

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Speaker 4: a half hour Q and A together. I was running

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Speaker 4: the Q and A, but as Shafai and I went

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Speaker 4: through the questions, she would invite me to have a chat,

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Speaker 4: and a couple of things came out as we were talking.

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Speaker 4: I asked her a question based on what had come

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Speaker 4: out of her keynote earlier in the day. She was

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Speaker 4: talking about how we push our kids to practice, practice, practice,

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Speaker 4: and they don't want to practice. She used this analogy

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Speaker 4: or this metaphor of saying, it's like we pick up

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Speaker 4: the piano and we say open wide, here it comes,

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Speaker 4: and we make them swallow the piano, and it's all

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Speaker 4: about practicing, and they don't want to practice, and it's

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Speaker 4: not life giving for them. And why are we making

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Speaker 4: them do this stuff that they don't want to do.

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Speaker 4: Why have we got all this ego involved in what

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Speaker 4: they're doing? And it really resonated with a lot of people,

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Speaker 4: But I also felt like I needed to ask her

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Speaker 4: a question, push back a little bit against this, And

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Speaker 4: I said to her when we were sharing this stage together,

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Speaker 4: I said, you mentioned this thing about the piano and.

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Speaker 3: Practice, practice, practice, practice, and if.

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Speaker 4: The kids don't want to do it, why are we

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Speaker 4: making them do it? Give them some autonomy. But here's

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Speaker 4: the thing. Sometimes doing the practice, doing the hard thing,

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Speaker 4: the thing we don't want to do.

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Speaker 3: It's horrible in the moment, but we look back and

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Speaker 3: we are glad we did it.

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Speaker 4: Whether it's climbing to the top of a hill, or

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Speaker 4: whether it's learning how to play the piano. I mean,

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Speaker 4: one of my great regrets is that I haven't learned

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Speaker 4: to play the piano. I gave up after a very

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Speaker 4: short time in my youth, and.

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Speaker 3: I wish that I could play. I said, surely, sometimes

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Speaker 3: as a parent, we know better.

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Speaker 4: We've climbed more rungs on the ladder of life, and

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Speaker 4: we know that if our kids will just persist and

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Speaker 4: do this hard thing that they don't want to do,

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Speaker 4: and that they're kicking and screaming and winging and whitening

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Speaker 4: and saying I don't want to do, surely it's worth it.

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Speaker 4: Sometimes we need to be discerning, we need to make

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Speaker 4: sure that it could light them up. And anyway, we

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Speaker 4: had this really interesting backwards and forwards, and Shaffalie and

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Speaker 4: I probably agreed more than we disagreed, but ultimately I've

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Speaker 4: got a slightly harder ligne on this. So anyway, a

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Speaker 4: couple of days later, I'm on the coast with you

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Speaker 4: and the kids. We're all living together again, and I

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Speaker 4: said to the kids, let's go down to the beach.

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Speaker 4: We've got a couple of hours before dark. We'll take

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Speaker 4: the surfboard, we'll take the foamy, and I'll take your surfing.

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Speaker 3: You can learn to surf today. I'm going to get

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Speaker 3: you going.

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Speaker 4: And Emily, our eight year old, just like lost the

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Speaker 4: plot so upset about it, and I said, no, no, you

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Speaker 4: need to come with me. And as I was saying that,

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Speaker 4: I was thinking, Oh, my goodness, is there is there

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Speaker 4: any ego in this?

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Speaker 1: Like?

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Speaker 3: Is this am I having my Sheafali moment?

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Speaker 2: Now?

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Speaker 4: Am I forcing my daughter to come and surf with me?

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Speaker 4: Because it's all about me and my ego?

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Speaker 5: No, what the reality is whether or not she's surfed

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Speaker 5: or not, it's not the point.

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Speaker 2: She was going to be outdoors building sand castles, swimming

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Speaker 2: in the ocean.

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Speaker 5: She didn't have to surf, right exactly.

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Speaker 4: And apart from that, I know that if she comes

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Speaker 4: out and gets on that surfboard, she is going to

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Speaker 4: experience what a surfer would call pure stoke.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 4: She's going to catch a wave, she's going to stand up,

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Speaker 4: she's going to feel what it feels like, and she's

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Speaker 4: going to be stoked because she did something hard. And

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Speaker 4: I said to her, I know you don't want to

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Speaker 4: do it, but this is a hard thing, and in

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Speaker 4: our family we do hard things, and I want you

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Speaker 4: to get in the car.

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Speaker 3: Let's go do this well.

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Speaker 4: She screamed halfway to the beach, like literally screamed all

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Speaker 4: the way in the car, ah, like really screaming, I

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Speaker 4: don't want to surf, And it was pretty hostile. It

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Speaker 4: was volatile For a minute there, I thought, what have

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Speaker 4: I done? Like I've just turned into the parent that

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Speaker 4: I never wanted to be.

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Speaker 3: But she can't down.

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Speaker 4: Just before we got to the beach, we walked down

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Speaker 4: the beach, dived into the water, put the leg rope on,

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Speaker 4: paddled down to the waves, and I pushed onto a wave,

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Speaker 4: and then I pushed onto another one, and on about

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Speaker 4: the third or fourth way, she stood up. And at

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Speaker 4: that point the look on I faced Kylie pure stoke,

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Speaker 4: pure stoke. And she was supposed to share the board

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Speaker 4: with her two big sisters, and she wouldn't do it.

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Speaker 4: She was so so hooked, so hooked that she just

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Speaker 4: wanted to surf all afternoon and all night. She didn't

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Speaker 4: want to come in as the sun was going down

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Speaker 4: and it was almost dark. When I finally got her

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Speaker 4: in off the border, it was like one more, just

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Speaker 4: one more.

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Speaker 3: And here she is standing up in the white water

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Speaker 3: and catching these little waves, and I just thought, it's

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Speaker 3: so hard to.

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Speaker 4: Get the balance right. And as parents, we've got to

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Speaker 4: make sure that our ego isn't involved. But sometimes we

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Speaker 4: actually do know better, and sometimes it is.

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Speaker 3: Worth the battle.

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Speaker 4: It is worth the fight because we know it's going

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Speaker 4: to count. And now we've got this little surfy chick, right,

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Speaker 4: I mean, she just can't get enough of it.

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Speaker 2: I wonder if part of it is as we watch

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Speaker 2: children in that space, the way they respond, do you

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Speaker 2: know what I mean? Like if Emily got on there

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Speaker 2: and even if she stood up but there was no

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Speaker 2: joy done, then there's obviously a disconnect from the activity.

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Speaker 2: So you know, even with piano, some kids hate practicing

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Speaker 2: and yet once they sit down they kind of melt.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, they flow into it.

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Speaker 2: There's just this flow, and so you know that there's

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Speaker 2: actually a benefit to them as opposed to just the

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Speaker 2: hard nose. You're going to play because I played, or

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Speaker 2: you're going to play because I never did.

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Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, Yeah, you're miss ambitions.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, all of those kinds of things. I think it's

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Speaker 2: it's actually we've got to be so aware of where

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Speaker 2: our kids are out and what they're feeling in those

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Speaker 2: moments when they're not protesting and they're actually participating. And

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Speaker 2: I think that's a really good cue for us to

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Speaker 2: work out whether or not the struggles worth it.

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Speaker 4: So much more that we could talk about I mean,

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Speaker 4: the fact that they've got to have a bit of progress,

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Speaker 4: that they can feel good about it as well. I mean,

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Speaker 4: if she caught twenty waves and didn't stand up, might

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Speaker 4: have been a different scenario. But she just loved it,

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Speaker 4: and I just thought, Wow, we had we had Our

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Speaker 4: eldest daughter refused to play the piano. She wanted to

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Speaker 4: play until we got her involved, and then she realized

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Speaker 4: she had to practice, and she winging and whining and

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Speaker 4: just never wanted to do it. And now she says

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Speaker 4: to us, I wish you'd made me. I wish that

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Speaker 4: I could play. And so for me, it's about stepping

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Speaker 4: back from ego. It's not about me saying I need

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Speaker 4: you to do this to fulfill my ambitions or because

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Speaker 4: this is what it takes for me to look like

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Speaker 4: a good parent, and rather making it about I think

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Speaker 4: this is going to be fulfilling for you. Let's give

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Speaker 4: it a go. Let's see if you can have a

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Speaker 4: positive experience with it and see where you end up.

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Speaker 4: And now we've got a kid who I think if

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Speaker 4: my plans come to fruition, she's gonna be a world champion.

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Speaker 4: Was kidding, I'm just kidding. Hey, after the break, I'll

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Speaker 4: do better tomorrow. From Mishappy Families. If you have more

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Speaker 4: than one child, there's a simple truth. They're going to fight,

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Speaker 4: they're going to compete, and they're going to have relationship troubles.

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Speaker 4: But the real secret isn't how to stop the fighting.

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Speaker 4: It's how to teach them kindness. The Teaching Kids' Kindness

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Speaker 4: webinar will help you to do just that, but also

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Speaker 4: help them build lifelong sibling bonds that lead to lifelong friendships.

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Speaker 4: Check out Teaching Kids Kindness at Happy Families dot com

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Speaker 4: dot au.

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Speaker 2: It's the Happy Family's podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now and.

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Speaker 4: Kylie, I want to know reflections intention what's gone well

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Speaker 4: this week or what hasn't. How are you going to

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Speaker 4: be a better parent as a result of what you've

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Speaker 4: been experiencing as a mum this past week?

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Speaker 2: Well, your story before the break flows in really nicely

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Speaker 2: because it actually sets the scene for what ended up

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Speaker 2: being quite a challenging Super Saturday for us.

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Speaker 3: All yeah, right, that's where we're going.

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Speaker 2: Okay, we decided that we were going to get up

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Speaker 2: las and early and head off to Conderlila Falls. So

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Speaker 2: we've talked about going there for quite a few months

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Speaker 2: now since we've moved up to the Sunshine Coast and

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Speaker 2: just haven't made it there. But we woke up and

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Speaker 2: it was really overcast and a bit drizzly. It wasn't pouring,

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Speaker 2: but there was enough rain to wet the ground.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. Not idea for a walk through the rainforest.

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Speaker 2: No, And you'd also pre empted the fact that you

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Speaker 2: were going to buy an extra foamy.

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Speaker 3: A new surfboard so that the kids.

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Speaker 2: Could get out there and fighting over the other one

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Speaker 2: that we hear surfing. And Emily had obviously just had

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Speaker 2: this amazing experience. No, she can stand up and she's

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Speaker 2: so excited. So we decided that we'd squeeze in a

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Speaker 2: trip to Condolila Falls before the surf shop opened, right,

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Speaker 2: and then you could get a surfboard and then take

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Speaker 2: them down to the beach.

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Speaker 4: And in my mind, that's what we were doing right

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Speaker 4: in my mind, We're going to get the kids up early.

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Speaker 4: They were all asleep and they were miserable when we

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Speaker 4: woke them up. But we needed to be back to

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Speaker 4: the surf shop for nine so that we could be

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Speaker 4: in the water.

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Speaker 3: But what time do we get to the falls? You reckon?

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Speaker 5: Maybe maybe eight?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 4: I reckon it was close to eight thirty, like it

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Speaker 4: was somewhere in there. It was late, and I was

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Speaker 4: I'm thinking, oh, well, we're here, so we'll walk down

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Speaker 4: the little path and we'll have a look at the

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Speaker 4: water going over the rocks, and after ten or fifteen minutes,

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Speaker 4: we'll jump in the car and we'll head back to

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Speaker 4: the coast.

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Speaker 2: Have you been following us for a little while, you

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Speaker 2: might see a common theme starting to run through some

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Speaker 2: of our stories, super sate, We're quite good at being spontaneous, yep.

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Speaker 2: We're not so good at the preparation or the background checks.

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Speaker 2: Maybe doing our homework to kind of check things out.

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Speaker 5: So I'd spoken to a few friends. I knew what

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Speaker 5: Condolula Falls was like, and I was really excited to

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Speaker 5: do it with you all.

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Speaker 2: I was in my exercise gear, I had my sneakers on.

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Speaker 2: I was ready to go, but as usual, there was

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Speaker 2: one child who didn't bring their shoes. Another child decided

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Speaker 2: she'd walk in her you know Drelais ballet dress shoes.

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Speaker 5: You had thongs on.

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Speaker 4: We're walking through a rainforest, okay, so and I ad

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Speaker 4: met I had thongs. I know for our American friends

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Speaker 4: that they're like Sandley Jandily things.

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Speaker 3: They're not what you're thinking. And a barefoot kid.

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Speaker 4: We're walking through a rainforest and she's got no shoes

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Speaker 4: like leeches people.

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Speaker 3: Hello.

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Speaker 2: Anyway, the whole way there, from the time we left

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Speaker 2: the house, we had cranky children, an eight year old

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Speaker 2: who just wanted to get back out on that board.

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Speaker 5: She's just hungry for the water.

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Speaker 3: I don't want to go for a walk. I don't

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Speaker 3: want to see the waterfall. I want to go surfing.

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Speaker 2: And two sleepy teenagers in the back who just were

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Speaker 2: not impressed that they'd been kicked out of bed and

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Speaker 2: had to leave, you know, their screens behind and all

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Speaker 2: of that.

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Speaker 5: So we got there and we started walking. It was beautiful.

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Speaker 5: It was drizzly, a bit wet, but you know, it's

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Speaker 5: the rainforest. What do you expect?

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Speaker 4: And then three minutes into the walk, the eight year

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Speaker 4: old's like, I need to go to the toilet, so

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Speaker 4: we've done her in.

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Speaker 3: The stream, so she was freezing cold. I just sit

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Speaker 3: over there. I can't believe we did that.

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Speaker 2: And if we go on this little adventure, which turned

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Speaker 2: into a much longer adventure than probably most of you

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Speaker 2: had thought it was going to be, and spent the

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Speaker 2: entire time listening to these wingy, winy kids, you and

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Speaker 2: I were in really good spirits. And we got all

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Speaker 2: the way to the lookout. So up until that point,

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Speaker 2: we could hear the water running because there's been lots

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Speaker 2: of rain. You could really hear a good water rush going.

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Speaker 2: But we got halfway down these steps to the landing

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Speaker 2: and literally this waterfall came into view and it was

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Speaker 2: just so beautiful. It kind of stopped us all in

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Speaker 2: our tracks. It's like, wow, I have breathtaking, Wow, this

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Speaker 2: is amazing. But I could see that there was more

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Speaker 2: steps and there was an eighty meter drop from the

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Speaker 2: top of that waterfall to the bottom, and there was

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Speaker 2: going to be something amazing down there, because I've seen

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Speaker 2: the photos, right, So I was full steam ahead.

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Speaker 4: I was ready to go, and as you can tell,

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Speaker 4: from my voice. This is news to me. We didn't

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Speaker 4: get to the bottom, and I haven't seen the photos,

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Speaker 4: but it's nice down there.

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Speaker 5: Huh, it's beautiful. It's beautiful.

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Speaker 2: So I've started to head down these stairs when Miss

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Speaker 2: eight is having a meltdown because she's looked down and

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Speaker 2: she's seen there's a fair way to go.

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Speaker 5: Yep, these stairs are steep and long.

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Speaker 4: Twelve year old's like, no, I'm not going, So she's

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Speaker 4: turned around and started to walk the other way. I've

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Speaker 4: gone back to the car, no shoes, had two leeches already,

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Speaker 4: and at.

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Speaker 2: This point I'm only just warming up. I love being

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Speaker 2: in the rainforest. It just is such beautiful space, you do,

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Speaker 2: and so you know, my energy was building and I

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Speaker 2: was just pumped to kind of get to the bottom.

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Speaker 5: But no one else was on the same page.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, And you've got this expectation, and when your experience

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Speaker 4: doesn't match your expectation, you end up miserable.

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Speaker 2: And that's kind of where we got to. At that point,

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Speaker 2: I realized this wasn't going to work. We were turning

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Speaker 2: around and we were heading back to the car, and

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Speaker 2: I was I was pretty upset, yeah, at that point,

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Speaker 2: so I stormed off and took the lead, mostly because

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Speaker 2: I am the slowest one in the pack, and I

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Speaker 2: knew that I needed a good head start to get

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Speaker 2: up those stairs because we'd come down.

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Speaker 3: A few I think it was just because you needed

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Speaker 3: some space, but I.

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Speaker 5: Did need some space.

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Speaker 4: As you walked away, You're like, I can't believe we

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Speaker 4: had to come all the way here to listen to

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Speaker 4: these kids fight.

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Speaker 3: We could have done that at home.

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Speaker 4: And then you stormed off, and I'm like, all right, kids,

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Speaker 4: and I'm trying my best to keep the moodlight, like

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Speaker 4: I just wanted it to be light, and it wasn't

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Speaker 4: working at all.

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Speaker 2: So often, as a parent, you put so much energy

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Speaker 2: and effort into even though there wasn't a huge amount

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Speaker 2: of prayer. It was just the acknowledgment that we were

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Speaker 2: going to be able to spend this time together and

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Speaker 2: do this really nice thing and explore a part of

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Speaker 2: the expectation that it's going to be great, and it

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Speaker 2: just wasn't great.

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Speaker 4: So to take home message from our awful experien yeah,

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Speaker 4: it was awful.

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Speaker 3: Our awful experience.

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Speaker 2: Well, it's funny you say it was awful, But I

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Speaker 2: went to have a look at the pictures to prove

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Speaker 2: to my sister how awful it was, and we had

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Speaker 2: these instagram worthy pictures. It's everybody was smiling and if

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Speaker 2: you just look at those pictures, you would have thought

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Speaker 2: we had the time of our lives.

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Speaker 3: So we're going to go back and try it again.

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Speaker 3: Is that what you're saying?

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Speaker 5: We are.

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Speaker 3: We're going to get it right this time.

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Speaker 4: We're going to wear the right shoes, We're going to

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Speaker 4: get the expectations correct. We'll take some food and water,

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Speaker 4: and we won't have a shop to get to or

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Speaker 4: a beach to get to after It going to be

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Speaker 4: the activity.

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Speaker 3: For the day.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, I think it might take us all day.

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Speaker 3: Okay, maybe we should do it from other's day.

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Speaker 5: Okay, let's do it all right.

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Speaker 4: The Happy Families podcast is designed to give you take

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Speaker 4: home messages to help you to make your family happier.

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Speaker 4: The take home message from me today is that sometimes

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Speaker 4: it's worth pushing the kids hard to get them to

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Speaker 4: do stuff that you know is valuable because they will

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Speaker 4: love it.

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Speaker 3: But you've got to look for that spark.

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Speaker 4: And if they don't love it, get your ego out

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Speaker 4: of the way and let them quit and find something

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Speaker 4: that does light the spark for them. The TAKEO message

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Speaker 4: from Kylie today is leave.

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Speaker 5: The kids in bed. You don't explore on your own,

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Speaker 5: you said back.

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Speaker 4: The TAKEO message from Kylie is do the prep and

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Speaker 4: make sure expectations are alone.

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Speaker 5: Have any expectations? Is that what it is? Don't have

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Speaker 5: any expectations, mam.

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Speaker 4: You know last week with doctor Shafarli, somebody asked a

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Speaker 4: question like the question was I get triggered by noise

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Speaker 4: and I've got three kids under five? How do I

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Speaker 4: stop the noise or how do I stop myself getting

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Speaker 4: triggered by the noise?

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Speaker 3: And Chaffari just looks at the questions like you've got

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Speaker 3: three kids under five? Like you can't do anything about

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Speaker 3: this at all, Like, hello.

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Speaker 5: What do you the kids?

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Speaker 2: You know, normally this kind of stuff wouldn't bother me

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Speaker 2: as much. I feel like, like I said, we're just

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Speaker 2: in this little smoldering pot at the moment, and I

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Speaker 2: feel like we're all sinking.

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Speaker 4: It's been a four month marathon, and like I said,

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Speaker 4: two more weeks, two more weeks in the furniture truck

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Speaker 4: rolls up and we get into our own house and

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Speaker 4: then we've got to unpack it.

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Speaker 3: But it's fine. We'll be in our own house. We

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Speaker 3: hope that you've enjoyed today's I'll Do Better Tomorrow.

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Speaker 4: A little bit longer than normal, but a couple of

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Speaker 4: stories that I hope have inspired you to better parenting.

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Speaker 4: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruhland from

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Speaker 4: Bridge Media, with Craig Bruce as our executive producer. If

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Speaker 4: you'd like more info about making your family happier, please

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Speaker 4: visit us at happy families dot com dot au and

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Speaker 4: have a great weekend.

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Speaker 3: Have you Mother's Day