1
00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:05,519
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.

2
00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:10,880
Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just answers. Now. Hello,

3
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:15,320
Speaker 2: it's doctor Justin Colson. Welcome to another Happy Families podcast today.

4
00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:17,799
Speaker 2: A guest on the podcast that I have been following

5
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:21,919
Speaker 2: from a distance for ages, I'd like to say a decade.

6
00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:23,720
Speaker 2: It may be something like that, a bit more, a

7
00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:27,319
Speaker 2: bit less, but this is somebody who I just think

8
00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:31,400
Speaker 2: gets it when it comes to parenting. And I finally

9
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:33,279
Speaker 2: pluck up the courage to get my team to send

10
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:35,519
Speaker 2: an email through and I got an instant yes, A

11
00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:40,080
Speaker 2: warm and enthusiastic, a positive instant yes, which was such

12
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:44,720
Speaker 2: a thrill. Doctor Mona Dela Hook is an author, a

13
00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:49,560
Speaker 2: psychologist and has written a book called Brain Body Parenting

14
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,720
Speaker 2: when it comes to compassion and kindness and helping parents

15
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,360
Speaker 2: to get this stuff right in ways that we can

16
00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:56,480
Speaker 2: all feel good about. I don't know anyone who does

17
00:00:56,520 --> 00:01:00,040
Speaker 2: this as well as doctor Dellahook. So Mona, welcome the

18
00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:03,120
Speaker 2: Happy Families Podcast, and thank you so much for joining

19
00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:04,399
Speaker 2: me for this conversation today.

20
00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:07,880
Speaker 1: Oh Justin, I'm so excited to be here. Thank you

21
00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:08,679
Speaker 1: for inviting me.

22
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,520
Speaker 2: I want to start off by talking about your book

23
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,160
Speaker 2: because it really is beautiful, but it ignited something of

24
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,560
Speaker 2: a controversy around the idea of gentle parenting. Now, I

25
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,399
Speaker 2: know that your ideas on this are kind of well,

26
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,160
Speaker 2: quite similar to mine, but can you tell me a

27
00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:23,800
Speaker 2: bit about the controversy and what the deal is with

28
00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:26,839
Speaker 2: this whole gentle parenting thing that, thanks to TikTok primarily

29
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:30,160
Speaker 2: has just exploded around the world in the last eighteen

30
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,319
Speaker 2: to twenty four months. Yes.

31
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:38,720
Speaker 1: Well, it's so interesting to see people's reactions to books

32
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:48,080
Speaker 1: that talk about compassion first, right, and how relationships are

33
00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:53,880
Speaker 1: like the foundation, the bedrock of child development. So when

34
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:57,320
Speaker 1: certain people heard the word gentle parenting, and it's not

35
00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:59,040
Speaker 1: just my book, There's been quite a few books in

36
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:03,840
Speaker 1: the last you know, fib or so years on this

37
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:07,240
Speaker 1: kind of new way of parenting as opposed to maybe

38
00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:10,799
Speaker 1: what we would think about as traditional parenting. Right, So

39
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:17,600
Speaker 1: we might think of traditional parenting as more authoritarian, and

40
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:22,160
Speaker 1: that would include maybe the parents as the ultimate experts,

41
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:27,799
Speaker 1: and it might include punishments or rewards, but it would

42
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:32,639
Speaker 1: kind of focus on behaviors, on surface behaviors, and parents

43
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,480
Speaker 1: kind of judging behaviors is good or bad, and then

44
00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:40,280
Speaker 1: having a certain response to those behaviors, and so the

45
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:45,200
Speaker 1: word gentle parenting really doesn't describe a certain parenting style.

46
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,080
Speaker 1: I think it's more of a catch all phrase for

47
00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:50,960
Speaker 1: this new type of parenting. And as you know, coming

48
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:54,400
Speaker 1: out of the positive psychology movement in the nineteen nineties,

49
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:59,320
Speaker 1: positive parenting has come on board. And that is I

50
00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,760
Speaker 1: think a reaction that parents have to maybe the way

51
00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:07,120
Speaker 1: they were raised or their grandparents were raised right, which

52
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:11,720
Speaker 1: wasn't very steeped in a knowledge of child development and

53
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:16,520
Speaker 1: emotional literacy and all that good stuff. One article that

54
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:20,679
Speaker 1: was written about gentle parenting said something like, so are

55
00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:24,800
Speaker 1: these gentle parents never saying no? And are these gentle

56
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:28,200
Speaker 1: parents letting their kids throw rocks at cars as they

57
00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:28,839
Speaker 1: drive by?

58
00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:29,560
Speaker 2: You know?

59
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:34,760
Speaker 1: And there is I think this misconception that gentle parenting

60
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:40,720
Speaker 1: is parenting that is coddling or never or doesn't have

61
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:45,520
Speaker 1: any sort of boundaries, and that's really not the case.

62
00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:50,480
Speaker 1: But people I think who are concerned that parenting approaches

63
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:53,640
Speaker 1: don't have a level of boundaries and parents, as the

64
00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:58,520
Speaker 1: guide and as the authority, mistake that word. So it's

65
00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:02,360
Speaker 1: not coddling in my mind opinion and the research that

66
00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:07,240
Speaker 1: I'm particularly interested in and wrote my book about is

67
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:12,360
Speaker 1: actually sub a topic of gentle parenting, which is responsive

68
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:16,279
Speaker 1: parenting that's linked in the literature to a lot of

69
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:20,600
Speaker 1: great things, a lot of great pieces of development, especially resilience.

70
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:24,200
Speaker 2: When we look at this idea of gentle parenting, people

71
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:30,080
Speaker 2: seem to push against it because of the concept of permissiveness. Right,

72
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:31,800
Speaker 2: if you're going to be gentle, that means you can say, oh,

73
00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,919
Speaker 2: that's okay, sweetheart, it's just fine, don't worry about it.

74
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:36,440
Speaker 2: You can do whatever you like. And I look after

75
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,279
Speaker 2: you don't worry about that. And I like this distinction

76
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:43,760
Speaker 2: that you draw between the concept of being a gentle parent,

77
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,400
Speaker 2: which I also chafe at. I don't find that helpful,

78
00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:51,520
Speaker 2: and this idea of being a responsive parent. Can you

79
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:55,680
Speaker 2: describe a little bit more about responsive parenting and what

80
00:04:55,839 --> 00:04:58,080
Speaker 2: that looks like, what that means.

81
00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:02,279
Speaker 1: Yes, And I'm glad you brought the word up permissive,

82
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:08,000
Speaker 1: because that's another that's another myth I think that's around there,

83
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:11,599
Speaker 1: that if you're a gentle parent, that you're permissive, that

84
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:17,240
Speaker 1: you don't say no. Right, So, yeah, and absolutely, you

85
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:20,479
Speaker 1: know if you don't say no, that would be a

86
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:25,919
Speaker 1: problem because children Obviously, toddlers can't raise themselves, and children

87
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:34,880
Speaker 1: do need guidance. The world of responsive care and responsive

88
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:41,599
Speaker 1: parenting has to do with customizing our interactions to what

89
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:45,320
Speaker 1: each child needs in real time. What does that mean.

90
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:50,479
Speaker 1: It means reading a child's cues, looking at what we

91
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:53,440
Speaker 1: call their nervous system, which is your brain and body

92
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:57,520
Speaker 1: are always creating behaviors. Behaviors don't come out of nowhere.

93
00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:03,160
Speaker 1: They're very meaningful and they mean something. And what you know,

94
00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:07,200
Speaker 1: challenging behaviors are with many parents are concerned about behavioral

95
00:06:07,279 --> 00:06:11,719
Speaker 1: challenges or oppositional defiance, those kinds of things. What we

96
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:15,120
Speaker 1: know now is that those kinds of behaviors are generally

97
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:20,600
Speaker 1: stress responses in the nervous system. So responsive parenting looks

98
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:24,120
Speaker 1: thinks of behaviors as the tip of the iceberg, and

99
00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:27,919
Speaker 1: we go below the waterline and we really understand. We

100
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:32,680
Speaker 1: take time to understand what's the child experiencing right now,

101
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:35,880
Speaker 1: what's driving this behavior, and then we go for that

102
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:40,520
Speaker 1: supporting that at that level, not just saying, oh, you're misbehaving.

103
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:43,359
Speaker 1: You know, you have to go to your room, or

104
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:47,200
Speaker 1: you you know, you lose out on dessert tonight, something

105
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:47,560
Speaker 1: like that.

106
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,159
Speaker 2: When I talk about these kinds of ideas with parents, Mona,

107
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:53,640
Speaker 2: and I'm sure this happens to you as well, parents

108
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:55,480
Speaker 2: will say, well, that's all well and good that there's

109
00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:58,680
Speaker 2: some sort of unmit need driving the behavior. You're telling

110
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,520
Speaker 2: me that I'm supposed to figure out what the need is,

111
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,760
Speaker 2: but I don't want to make the need because this

112
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,160
Speaker 2: is not going to reinforce the bad behavior. A lot

113
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,320
Speaker 2: of parents will actually see this as being another form

114
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:11,880
Speaker 2: of permissiveness or a form of reinforcement. What's your response

115
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:13,120
Speaker 2: when parents say that kind of thing.

116
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:18,560
Speaker 1: I don't actually believe that all misbehaviors are unmet needs.

117
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,960
Speaker 1: So I very much appreciate the work of Ross Green,

118
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:27,160
Speaker 1: and he says that all misbehaviors are unmet needs. But

119
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:33,600
Speaker 1: here's the different lens for that. Agitated behaviors and extreme

120
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:42,400
Speaker 1: misbehaviors are evidence of nervous system distress and are not

121
00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:49,120
Speaker 1: purposefully chosen by the child. So they are subconsciously driven,

122
00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:55,080
Speaker 1: meaning those behaviors are instincts and they're automatic. Those are

123
00:07:55,120 --> 00:08:00,200
Speaker 1: called body up or bottom up behaviors, And so we

124
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:03,640
Speaker 1: have to understand that there's a difference between top down behaviors,

125
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:07,880
Speaker 1: Like if a child sneaks into your bedroom and takes

126
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:11,880
Speaker 1: your iPad and lies about it. Okay, that's a top

127
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:16,720
Speaker 1: down behavior. But a tantrum or a child running out

128
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:19,920
Speaker 1: into the street, or a child spitting or kicking or

129
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:24,480
Speaker 1: hitting or say I hate you, you're the worst. You know,

130
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:28,200
Speaker 1: I want you to die. I mean those are guess what,

131
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:37,040
Speaker 1: They're not purposeful, They're instinctual, and the child doesn't know it.

132
00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:41,560
Speaker 1: So this is kind of the paradigm shift I'm talking

133
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,960
Speaker 1: about in brain body parenting, is that we have to

134
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,920
Speaker 1: understand what we're dealing with. If we're dealing with a

135
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:50,880
Speaker 1: purposeful misbehavior, then that takes us down one road. If

136
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:54,440
Speaker 1: we're dealing with an automatic stress response, that takes us

137
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:57,760
Speaker 1: down another road. So when parents say I don't have

138
00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:01,439
Speaker 1: the time to become a details that, I get it.

139
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:04,880
Speaker 1: You don't have to be a detective. All you have

140
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:08,960
Speaker 1: to do is stop and observe what's happening on your

141
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:13,800
Speaker 1: child's body. We call them behavioral biomarkers, and that's going

142
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,839
Speaker 1: to give you a clue. You can do that in

143
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,880
Speaker 1: three seconds or less.

144
00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:22,160
Speaker 2: So give me a practical example. I've got a child

145
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:25,480
Speaker 2: who's screaming, I don't want to go to bed. I'm

146
00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:28,839
Speaker 2: not tired, you don't know anything. I hate you. You're

147
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,640
Speaker 2: the worst pairing in the world. Because they're three and

148
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,040
Speaker 2: they're excited to hang around with their eight year old

149
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:35,960
Speaker 2: brother or sister who's having all the fun and staying

150
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:40,959
Speaker 2: up an extra thirty minutes. Yeah, what's the responsive parenting approach?

151
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:45,360
Speaker 2: What's the response to a bottom up nervous system explosion

152
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,000
Speaker 2: that's leading this challenge because it's so different to that

153
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,280
Speaker 2: traditional way of having so different.

154
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:55,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, so we really quickly take into account three things.

155
00:09:56,080 --> 00:10:00,640
Speaker 1: Number one is that development of self regulation. So we

156
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:04,320
Speaker 1: know that this three year old does not have something

157
00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:06,000
Speaker 1: called self regulation.

158
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,880
Speaker 2: And adults that struggle with that so.

159
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:11,800
Speaker 1: And plenty of adults. That's a steep learning curve. So,

160
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,840
Speaker 1: first of all, there's something called the expectation gap, and

161
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:18,320
Speaker 1: we think that little ones, just because they can control

162
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,560
Speaker 1: themselves some of the time, that they should be able

163
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:24,040
Speaker 1: to do it easily all of the time. Completely wrong.

164
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,840
Speaker 1: So self regulation is not there. That's your background information.

165
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:32,959
Speaker 1: So what do you do? Okay, a toddler that's screaming

166
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,520
Speaker 1: in their jammys, they're not going to go upstairs. The

167
00:10:36,559 --> 00:10:39,640
Speaker 1: more you ask them, to start, you know, or to

168
00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:42,560
Speaker 1: their bedroom. The more they walk to their bedroom, all

169
00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:45,319
Speaker 1: of a sudden they have a red face. They may

170
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:50,199
Speaker 1: be their hearts beating really fast. They are moving fast.

171
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:54,080
Speaker 1: The faster the child's body or mouth is moving, the

172
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:58,600
Speaker 1: more stressed out the nervous system is. So a three

173
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:02,560
Speaker 1: year old screaming and crying, tell yourself, first of all,

174
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:07,200
Speaker 1: you calm yourself down, because we can't calm down a

175
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:10,160
Speaker 1: revd up nervous system unless we are calm ourselves. I

176
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:13,320
Speaker 1: know that's hard, but we take a breath. If we're

177
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:17,600
Speaker 1: okay enough, we proceed. If we're not, we get help

178
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,600
Speaker 1: or we stop. Because when we are in that what

179
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:25,520
Speaker 1: we call red zone, and the child's in the red zone,

180
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:29,000
Speaker 1: that's when bad stuff happens. That's when we say or

181
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,960
Speaker 1: do things that we regret later and things don't turn

182
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:35,960
Speaker 1: out well. So steady yourself, tell yourself, this is a

183
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:39,760
Speaker 1: self regulation problem. This is not a misbehavior. And then

184
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:43,720
Speaker 1: we go to calm the nervous system and it you know,

185
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:46,800
Speaker 1: for a child who is again if they're moving super

186
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:50,880
Speaker 1: super fast. The general idea is that we reduce stimulation.

187
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:55,360
Speaker 1: We talk less, we turn the lights down, we get

188
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:57,680
Speaker 1: the background noise out of the way. We might have

189
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,440
Speaker 1: the other children, you know, go into another the room,

190
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:05,400
Speaker 1: and we focus on helping the child calm. Now. In

191
00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:09,560
Speaker 1: brain body parenting, I help parents develop a little toolkit

192
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,160
Speaker 1: for each child based on the child's something called the

193
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:17,560
Speaker 1: child's sensory systems. So our sensory systems is if you

194
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:20,880
Speaker 1: know how there are you know what we hear, what

195
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:25,400
Speaker 1: we see, what we feel the movement each person, each

196
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:29,240
Speaker 1: child has a different toolbox that's needed to calm them down.

197
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:33,240
Speaker 1: So we use those techniques from our toolbox to help

198
00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:36,800
Speaker 1: calm the child's nervous system till they get to a

199
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,520
Speaker 1: place where they can talk to us. Again. That's called

200
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,560
Speaker 1: the green zone. So we go from the red zone

201
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:46,319
Speaker 1: to the green zone. And once you know your child,

202
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,640
Speaker 1: and once you get the steps right, you know, check

203
00:12:49,679 --> 00:12:52,360
Speaker 1: with your child, what color are they? You know, if

204
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:55,040
Speaker 1: they're red, you go one way. If they're green, then

205
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,480
Speaker 1: you can start to talk to them and to read

206
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:01,840
Speaker 1: a book and to reason with them and put them

207
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:07,600
Speaker 1: down for sleep when they're calm. Again, the calm body

208
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:08,719
Speaker 1: is what we're going for.

209
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:11,600
Speaker 2: I feel calm just listening to you talk through the process.

210
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,480
Speaker 2: Something that I talk to parents about all the time.

211
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:16,320
Speaker 2: Is that when emotions are high, intelligence tends to be

212
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:19,719
Speaker 2: kind of low. And also that emotions are contagious, So

213
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:24,440
Speaker 2: we catch our kids chaos and they're cranky and their craziness,

214
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,800
Speaker 2: and they also catch that from us. So everything that

215
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,079
Speaker 2: you're saying there is really beautifully in harmony with the

216
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:32,400
Speaker 2: approach that I normally share with the air.

217
00:13:32,559 --> 00:13:35,400
Speaker 1: So true emotions are contagious. Yeah.

218
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:39,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, and this idea, I'm fascinated by the work that

219
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,760
Speaker 2: you've done in brain body parenting. I know that resilience

220
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,720
Speaker 2: is something that parents are really worried about at the moment.

221
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:47,960
Speaker 2: Some parents will say, but if I'm if I'm going

222
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,800
Speaker 2: to respond to my child like this all the time,

223
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:51,800
Speaker 2: Number One, I don't always have the time for it.

224
00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:53,839
Speaker 2: Like if we've got to get out of the door to school,

225
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,559
Speaker 2: They've just got to get in the car, and I'm

226
00:13:55,559 --> 00:13:57,240
Speaker 2: not going to sit down and try and calm their

227
00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:00,680
Speaker 2: body down. I'm going to be late for work. There's

228
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:03,120
Speaker 2: the practical realities of it that a lot of parents

229
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,880
Speaker 2: will will struggle with, and I want to ask you

230
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,600
Speaker 2: about that. But I just want to talk to you

231
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:12,440
Speaker 2: about how this affects the resilience of the child in

232
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,640
Speaker 2: terms of working through hard things. I know that's an

233
00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:17,320
Speaker 2: area that you've really concentrated on in the book. I

234
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:19,840
Speaker 2: know that's a double barreed question. It's two questions in one,

235
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,120
Speaker 2: but I wonder if you can first of all talk

236
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:26,760
Speaker 2: about the time constraints issue and the practicality of always

237
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:31,960
Speaker 2: being responsive, but then also what that does for resilience,

238
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,880
Speaker 2: if you can just sort of have one flow into the.

239
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,360
Speaker 1: Well, let's first talk about the practical because I think

240
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:41,720
Speaker 1: that's so important, because I'm sure neither of us want

241
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,560
Speaker 1: parents to be listening to this and thinking, well, I

242
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:46,440
Speaker 1: don't have time to do it right, you know, and

243
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:51,320
Speaker 1: don't want more parent guilt. We are burdened enough as parents, right.

244
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:54,640
Speaker 1: We don't want to be beating ourselves up. We want

245
00:14:54,760 --> 00:15:00,160
Speaker 1: so much self compassion, so I don't have time. Yes,

246
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:09,160
Speaker 1: you're right, and our collective cultures aren't set up to

247
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:13,800
Speaker 1: develop resilience very well. So I'll just say that one

248
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:18,240
Speaker 1: big meta view of this, of the whole question of

249
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:21,640
Speaker 1: parents saying like how do I do this? That's a

250
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:27,680
Speaker 1: really good question. And parents are parenting in isolation more

251
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:32,320
Speaker 1: now than ever before the industry of revolution was only

252
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:38,840
Speaker 1: several hundred years ago. We were parenting in groups only

253
00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,520
Speaker 1: several hundred years ago, a thousand years ago. In our

254
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:45,840
Speaker 1: phylogenetic history, it wasn't like this, parents, You were not

255
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:50,040
Speaker 1: as alone as you are now. Our cultures are alone.

256
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:54,600
Speaker 1: Our Western cultures were doing too much, and that's why

257
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:59,640
Speaker 1: our children's resilience is suffering. We're expecting them to do

258
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:06,240
Speaker 1: regulate their little bodies too much, too soon. So it's

259
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:11,560
Speaker 1: a societal question number one. But number two, I think

260
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:17,120
Speaker 1: the parents that I've worked with, this doesn't necessarily take longer.

261
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:20,560
Speaker 1: Once you get into the hang of it. It actually

262
00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:26,360
Speaker 1: helps children develop more cooperation. So while it sounds like

263
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:30,440
Speaker 1: labor intensive in the beginning, the main thing is our

264
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:34,400
Speaker 1: mind shift, because when a child sees a soft look

265
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,400
Speaker 1: on your face when they're refusing to put their shoes

266
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,600
Speaker 1: and socks on, and they see you go from saying

267
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,360
Speaker 1: hurry up, we gotta go out the door, you're gonna

268
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:48,040
Speaker 1: be late to school, to oh, sweetheart, these getting these

269
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:50,120
Speaker 1: shoes and socks on, and then now we got to

270
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:55,960
Speaker 1: we're rushing so fast, mommy or daddy. I'm being really

271
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,680
Speaker 1: really rough right now. I'm really kind of yelling and

272
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,760
Speaker 1: I'm a set you know what, Let's slow things down

273
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,840
Speaker 1: for a second and then look at them with care

274
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:10,960
Speaker 1: and concern. It's amazing how that emotional contagion of calmness

275
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:17,239
Speaker 1: helps children calm so doesn't necessarily take more time, but

276
00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:20,800
Speaker 1: I think it also takes a mind shift.

277
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I would add practice, like sometimes we try

278
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:25,760
Speaker 2: it and we're like, ah, I got it totally wrong,

279
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,159
Speaker 2: or none of that worked at all. It is one

280
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,040
Speaker 2: of those things that we really have to practice. Mat.

281
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,200
Speaker 2: I feel like a conversation with you is this is

282
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:33,920
Speaker 2: going to sound terally really cheesy, but it's kind of

283
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,200
Speaker 2: how it feels like a great, big, warm hug. I've

284
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:39,680
Speaker 2: loved talking with you. I wish we could keep on chatting. Unfortunately,

285
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:41,639
Speaker 2: time is going to get away from us just now.

286
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:44,520
Speaker 2: But if people want more information about the work that

287
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,840
Speaker 2: you do, we're going to link to your book Brain

288
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:50,200
Speaker 2: Body Parenting in our show notes. But if they want

289
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,640
Speaker 2: to follow you and get to know you a little

290
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,879
Speaker 2: bit more and obviously improve their parenting and their interactions

291
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,360
Speaker 2: with their kids, where would you send them?

292
00:17:57,359 --> 00:18:00,120
Speaker 1: Oh, it's just such a joy to connect with you

293
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:05,280
Speaker 1: justin Yeah. My website is Monadellahook dot com and I'm

294
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:13,080
Speaker 1: on Facebook, monadellahok PhD, Instagram, LinkedIn and at this point

295
00:18:13,119 --> 00:18:18,359
Speaker 1: still Twitter, Doctor Mona Della Hook So yeah, find me anywhere,

296
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:22,600
Speaker 1: and I'm just I would love to connect with people

297
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:28,200
Speaker 1: on social media. I post interesting studies, tips and kind

298
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:32,840
Speaker 1: of neuroscience based information as I translate it for parenting

299
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,720
Speaker 1: as as every day is whenever I can.

300
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:38,160
Speaker 2: Well, I appreciate it so very much, lovely to talk

301
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:39,440
Speaker 2: with you on the Happy Families podcast.

302
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,040
Speaker 1: Thank you again, likewise, thanks so much.

303
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:45,120
Speaker 2: The Happy Families Podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from

304
00:18:45,119 --> 00:18:47,919
Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer and for

305
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,200
Speaker 2: more information about making your family happy at check out

306
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:54,160
Speaker 2: Mona's website, her Facebook page, and also visit Happyfamilies dot

307
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:54,920
Speaker 2: com dot a