1 00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:08,920 Speaker 1: What if I told you that there was one parenting style, 2 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:16,360 Speaker 1: evidence based that is ongoingly linked to child well being, 3 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,560 Speaker 1: and that there is one thing that you can do 4 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:22,720 Speaker 1: that is almost guaranteed to take your child down a 5 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:27,400 Speaker 1: negative path to child ill being. Today. That is our 6 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:31,440 Speaker 1: discussion on the Happy Families podcast Real Parenting Solutions every 7 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:35,120 Speaker 1: day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are justin 8 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,199 Speaker 1: and Kylie Coulson. 9 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:38,800 Speaker 2: When did ill being become a word? 10 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,400 Speaker 1: Don't know, don't know, haven't looked it up, don't know 11 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:43,440 Speaker 1: how long that's been in the vernacular, but certainly been 12 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:46,040 Speaker 1: around for since everyone's made a big deal about well being. 13 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:49,240 Speaker 1: There has to be an equal and opposite reaction, doesn't 14 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:53,080 Speaker 1: there There has to be the negative, Kylie. Today's doctor's desk. 15 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:54,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, my head's hurting already. 16 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:55,840 Speaker 1: We haven't even started. 17 00:00:57,040 --> 00:01:01,000 Speaker 2: You read me the preamble. You're supposed to make this 18 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:02,400 Speaker 2: nice and easy. Let's go. 19 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:04,720 Speaker 1: Okay. So there's a brand new study from a colleague 20 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:06,360 Speaker 1: of mine by the name of Emma Bradshaw. She's the 21 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:12,000 Speaker 1: University of Sydney. Would you say that you're controlling or supportive? 22 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,720 Speaker 1: Sometimes the stakes are really high, right, Like the children 23 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,959 Speaker 1: have a decision that needs to be made. Maybe you're 24 00:01:17,959 --> 00:01:21,600 Speaker 1: thinking about schooling or sport or some extracurricular activities. They're 25 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:25,160 Speaker 1: talking about careers. Maybe maybe they just don't want to 26 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,800 Speaker 1: go to bed, or they need to eat some food. 27 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:31,840 Speaker 1: And we know best, right, we know best. So Emma 28 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:35,199 Speaker 1: and some colleagues of hers have done this massive meta 29 00:01:35,319 --> 00:01:37,880 Speaker 1: analysis and that's what we're going to talk about today. 30 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,639 Speaker 2: It had more so a matter analysis is. 31 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,400 Speaker 1: It's a study of a bunch of studies. So I'll 32 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:44,960 Speaker 1: tell you all about the studies in just a sec. 33 00:01:45,319 --> 00:01:46,720 Speaker 1: But there are three terms that we're going to talk 34 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:50,120 Speaker 1: about today, and I don't want them to be confusing. 35 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,920 Speaker 1: I want them to be really, really simple, So let 36 00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:55,920 Speaker 1: me define them. Number one, autonomy support. This is what 37 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,920 Speaker 1: my book The Parenting Revolution was about. Autonomy support is 38 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:04,720 Speaker 1: about taking the perspective of your child, engaging in developing 39 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:09,280 Speaker 1: ideas and rules and boundaries and structures and frameworks together. 40 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:14,040 Speaker 1: It's about giving your children a rational when you're bringing 41 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:17,800 Speaker 1: in rules and limits, so you're explaining the why, and 42 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:22,320 Speaker 1: it's about supporting their self expression in appropriate ways. So 43 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:27,080 Speaker 1: that's autonomy support makes sense. Psychological control is when we 44 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,640 Speaker 1: influence our children's thinking, or their emotions or their behavior 45 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:34,560 Speaker 1: through coercion. So we apply external pressure, lots and lots 46 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:38,720 Speaker 1: of punishments and rewards and guilt and shame and if 47 00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:40,560 Speaker 1: you do that, I'm going to be very disappointed in you. 48 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:44,480 Speaker 1: That kind of stuff. Okay, that's psychological control. And the 49 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:47,919 Speaker 1: last definition is behavioral control. Okay. So psychological control is 50 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,079 Speaker 1: all about the guilt and the shame and the well, 51 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:51,560 Speaker 1: I'll love you if you do that. I'll give you 52 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:54,480 Speaker 1: a hug if you do that. So it's withholding or 53 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:58,360 Speaker 1: providing privileges and that kind of thing and approval. Behavioral 54 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:02,160 Speaker 1: control is essentially saying there's an expectation that I have here, 55 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:05,799 Speaker 1: I'm going to communicate it clearly. And behavioral control is 56 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,560 Speaker 1: actually really important. It's associated with positive outcomes in children's 57 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:11,200 Speaker 1: lives because they need us to be the prefront cortex. Okay, 58 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:14,040 Speaker 1: so there are three definitions. I know it's me doing 59 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:15,880 Speaker 1: a lot of talking and it's a lot of academic stuff, 60 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:17,440 Speaker 1: but it's so important, Kylie. 61 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:20,960 Speaker 2: You just get so excited about this stuff. 62 00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:23,240 Speaker 1: So excited that I'm actually going to be doing some 63 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:26,280 Speaker 1: academic work around this with these people. Fairly soon. I'm 64 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,160 Speaker 1: very very excited for it. So here's the meta analysis. 65 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:31,960 Speaker 1: This is a study of a whole bunch of studies. Overall. 66 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,119 Speaker 1: This study looks at two hundred and thirty eight studies. 67 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:39,600 Speaker 2: Why would you do a study of studies? So what happens? 68 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:41,200 Speaker 1: You know how people say, oh, you can find evidence 69 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:42,240 Speaker 1: to support any position. 70 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:42,960 Speaker 2: Yeah. 71 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:45,600 Speaker 1: What that means really is that a whole bunch of 72 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,640 Speaker 1: people do a whole bunch of studies and they come 73 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:49,800 Speaker 1: up with results that are kind of a bit here 74 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,520 Speaker 1: and a bit there. There's some studies that say X, 75 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:55,120 Speaker 1: and there's some studies that say why. And people say, well, 76 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,440 Speaker 1: that's cause science is just this. You can find any 77 00:03:57,440 --> 00:04:00,480 Speaker 1: study to say anything support any position. People will do 78 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:04,320 Speaker 1: a meta analysis because they want to find what the 79 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:06,960 Speaker 1: overall picture of those studies is. Because if you do 80 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,880 Speaker 1: two hundred and thirty eight studies and two hundred and 81 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,280 Speaker 1: thirty six of them or two hundred and twelve of 82 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:14,120 Speaker 1: them all point really really strongly in one direction and 83 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:15,960 Speaker 1: the other five or ten or twenty point in the 84 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,680 Speaker 1: other direction, it's nice to understand what's going on there 85 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:22,480 Speaker 1: and why. So a meta analysis says, what's really going 86 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:26,440 Speaker 1: on here with autonomy support and psychological control. And this 87 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,599 Speaker 1: was a big study, a meta analysis looking at whether 88 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:34,120 Speaker 1: or not autonomy support is or is not positively associated 89 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:37,520 Speaker 1: with child wellbeing. The hypothesis, of course, is if you're 90 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,960 Speaker 1: autonomy supportive, your kid's going to thrive. And it was 91 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,800 Speaker 1: also looking at whether or not it's psychological control, that is, 92 00:04:42,839 --> 00:04:44,640 Speaker 1: the coercion and the manipulation of the shame of the 93 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:48,240 Speaker 1: kild is associated at all with well being in children, 94 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:51,599 Speaker 1: or if it's only associated with ill being in children. 95 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:54,919 Speaker 1: That's why this matters, because there are some studies that 96 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,600 Speaker 1: say it's not that big of a deal, or the 97 00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,279 Speaker 1: size of the effect isn't that great. 98 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:03,320 Speaker 2: Well, I'm really curious what she found if she studied 99 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,920 Speaker 2: two hundred and thirty eight of them. 100 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:08,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, I want to give you some more information about this. 101 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,760 Speaker 1: I know I'm geeking out, but I promise only twenty 102 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:12,320 Speaker 1: more seconds and then we'll get to the guts of it. 103 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,440 Speaker 1: The two hundred and thirty eight studies that they reviewed 104 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,400 Speaker 1: in this meta analysis have been conducted across the last 105 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:23,039 Speaker 1: fifty one years, so since the early nineteen seventies, So 106 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:26,560 Speaker 1: we're talking about a lot of research with more than 107 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:31,240 Speaker 1: one hundred and twenty six thousand participants thirty eight countries, 108 00:05:31,839 --> 00:05:34,440 Speaker 1: So we're talking about super cross cultural. We're talking about 109 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:38,080 Speaker 1: individualistic countries and collectivist countries. Because here's the thing. If 110 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:41,320 Speaker 1: you are autonomy supportive but somebody comes from a collectivist culture, 111 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:43,400 Speaker 1: is it going to wash out? Does it actually matter 112 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,520 Speaker 1: or not? So this is what we're looking at. And 113 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,279 Speaker 1: it was also looking at all the different age ranges 114 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:50,960 Speaker 1: of children from toddlers through the primary school kids right 115 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,960 Speaker 1: through to adolescents in high school. That was what the 116 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,599 Speaker 1: research was about. Would you like to know what they found? 117 00:05:56,720 --> 00:06:00,000 Speaker 2: I would love it. Sitting on the edge of my seat, 118 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:00,719 Speaker 2: was literally going to. 119 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:02,800 Speaker 1: Say, you're on the edge of your seat, honey. I 120 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:04,960 Speaker 1: know this is a little bit geeky, but here's the thing. 121 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:08,000 Speaker 1: If you want to be a great parent, and there 122 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:11,200 Speaker 1: was one variable that mattered more than anything else, this 123 00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:14,800 Speaker 1: is it. This is the one. It's about autonomy support 124 00:06:14,839 --> 00:06:19,919 Speaker 1: So here's what they found. Autonomy supportive parenting is positively 125 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:25,400 Speaker 1: associated with child wellbeing, and psychological control is positively associated 126 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:29,120 Speaker 1: with ill being. In other words, the more control there is, 127 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:32,120 Speaker 1: the worse off your child is. The more support there is, 128 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:37,400 Speaker 1: the better off your child is and that applies across regions, 129 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:42,400 Speaker 1: across countries, regardless of the cultural situation, regardless of the 130 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:46,039 Speaker 1: age of the child, and regardless of gender. This is 131 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,800 Speaker 1: a strong and robust finding that supports everything that I 132 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,640 Speaker 1: write about in the Pairing Revolution. After the break, we're 133 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:57,080 Speaker 1: going to talk about what it means to be autonomy supportive, 134 00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:09,560 Speaker 1: because that's how you raise happy, healthy, resilient kids. Okay, Kylie, 135 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,360 Speaker 1: I've geeked out. I've gone through the research. There's a 136 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,280 Speaker 1: couple of other things that I really desperately want to 137 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:16,720 Speaker 1: tell you about. Ask me about them, but let's talk 138 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:18,240 Speaker 1: about autonomy support more generally. 139 00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:21,200 Speaker 2: So, yes, you have spent a long time geeking out 140 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,120 Speaker 2: about this, but what does it actually mean for. 141 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:26,200 Speaker 1: Better I'm so sorry, but it's really really important. What 142 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:32,000 Speaker 1: it actually means is this, if we become psychologically controlling, 143 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:39,400 Speaker 1: we will see our children struggle. Their motivation will be reduced, 144 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,240 Speaker 1: they will feel more poorly about themselves, their self worth 145 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:45,960 Speaker 1: will go down, they will feel like they are not 146 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:49,400 Speaker 1: sufficient in our eyes. That's what it actually means that 147 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,080 Speaker 1: there was a study that was conducted and referenced in 148 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:55,520 Speaker 1: this meta analysis from oh No, maybe ten or fifteen 149 00:07:55,600 --> 00:08:00,720 Speaker 1: years ago now that looked at parental psychological control, and 150 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,559 Speaker 1: what the research has found was that when parents were 151 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:07,400 Speaker 1: psychologically controlling, that is, when they were coercive, when they 152 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,720 Speaker 1: used threats and external pressures, and when they said to 153 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:12,840 Speaker 1: the kids, I love you if you do that, I 154 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,920 Speaker 1: won't love you if you do this, when they said 155 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:18,840 Speaker 1: to the kids, I'm really disappointed in you. Those kinds 156 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:23,000 Speaker 1: of things, those psychologically shaming, guilt inducing kinds of things. 157 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:27,400 Speaker 1: They found that twelve months, so it's a longer journal study. 158 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,840 Speaker 1: Twelve months after that assessment was done, those kids were 159 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:36,719 Speaker 1: significantly more likely to experience maladaptive perfectionism in their lives. Now, 160 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:40,319 Speaker 1: perfectionism is associated with depression, it's associated with anxiety. It's 161 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:43,120 Speaker 1: actually one of the most debilitating things that we can 162 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:46,120 Speaker 1: see in kids. You don't want to see perfectionism in 163 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:51,960 Speaker 1: your child, especially what's known as socially prescribed perfectionism. That is, 164 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:55,600 Speaker 1: my parents expect it of me that I will achieve 165 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:58,199 Speaker 1: that standard, that the feeling I can never be enough. 166 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:01,080 Speaker 1: It's devastating for a child. But here's the worst thing. 167 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,880 Speaker 1: A year later, they were much more likely to be perfectionistic. 168 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:08,280 Speaker 1: A year after that, they were significantly more likely to 169 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:15,040 Speaker 1: have depression. In other words, psychological control ruins kids. There's 170 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,240 Speaker 1: no other way to say it. It really it's such 171 00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:21,920 Speaker 1: a danger to them. But parents who learned to bring 172 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:26,560 Speaker 1: psychological control right down. There was one study where over 173 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,040 Speaker 1: a six year period, as parents brought the control down, 174 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:32,239 Speaker 1: the kids grew up through their adolescent years into young adulthood. 175 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:37,000 Speaker 1: The more they brought that psychological control down, the more 176 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:40,520 Speaker 1: the kid's grades improved at school, and the better psychologically 177 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,680 Speaker 1: adjusted they were as they went out of the workforce 178 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:47,920 Speaker 1: and started their lives. You can spin it around autonomy support. 179 00:09:48,559 --> 00:09:52,199 Speaker 1: The more autonomy supportive you are, the better your child regulates. 180 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:57,800 Speaker 1: There's so much dysregulation when they're feeling controlled, but when 181 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:02,120 Speaker 1: we work through stuff with them, they do so much better. 182 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:05,640 Speaker 1: And like I said, this is a cross cultural Australias, Japan, Career, India, China, 183 00:10:06,559 --> 00:10:09,600 Speaker 1: psychological control costs and autonomy support enhancers. 184 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:13,040 Speaker 2: So if you were going to give parents three tips 185 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:16,400 Speaker 2: to help them in their endeavors to be more autonomy 186 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:20,400 Speaker 2: supportive of their children, to let go of those psychological 187 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:24,439 Speaker 2: controls that all of us sometimes get stuck in from 188 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,520 Speaker 2: time to time, what would you say, would be your 189 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:28,160 Speaker 2: top three. 190 00:10:28,679 --> 00:10:30,920 Speaker 1: I kind of want to say, let the kids live 191 00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:32,640 Speaker 1: their own lives, but it really depends on the age 192 00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:34,120 Speaker 1: and stage of your child, right, I mean, you can't 193 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:35,719 Speaker 1: say that to a two year old. Well, it's your life. 194 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,120 Speaker 1: I mean, if you're a plane the traffic, you just 195 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:40,720 Speaker 1: go for it. You can't. And autonomy support does not 196 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,679 Speaker 1: mean that people get to do whatever they want, but 197 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:47,400 Speaker 1: children get to go out and just live their life. 198 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,760 Speaker 1: Help that that's not what that's about. My three things 199 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:55,600 Speaker 1: would actually be this Number one. Explore, Explore their. 200 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:56,840 Speaker 2: Will and empower. 201 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,880 Speaker 1: You just took my best to gosh. Of all my lines, 202 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:04,800 Speaker 1: number one is explore because when you think about what 203 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:08,680 Speaker 1: autonomy support is, it's about taking their perspective. Your child 204 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:12,439 Speaker 1: is having an emotional reaction to something, and it's very 205 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,480 Speaker 1: easy to say, I just stop it, behave do as 206 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,760 Speaker 1: I say, And in many cases that probably is where 207 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:20,400 Speaker 1: you'll go to eventually end up. But you can get 208 00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:23,680 Speaker 1: there straight away your way, or you can get there 209 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:28,599 Speaker 1: a little bit more compassionately where they feel understood and 210 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:30,240 Speaker 1: then they get on with it, and research shows they 211 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,000 Speaker 1: do so. Explore, I understand where they're coming from. Take 212 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:39,000 Speaker 1: their perspective. Explain. Explain means that you provide a rationale 213 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,720 Speaker 1: for the rules and limits that you want to see implemented. 214 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:46,760 Speaker 1: And empower that's the third one. Empower does not mean 215 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,319 Speaker 1: you say, well, I've listened to you, and now you've 216 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:49,920 Speaker 1: listened to me, so off you go figure it out. 217 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,560 Speaker 1: That's not what it means. It means that you engage 218 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:58,640 Speaker 1: in developing ideas and rules and boundaries and frameworks and systems. Together, 219 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:02,240 Speaker 1: you develop the structure that was bought their wise and 220 00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:05,440 Speaker 1: healthy and safe decision making together. 221 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:10,040 Speaker 2: When our kids are young, what is the one question 222 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:12,680 Speaker 2: that they will ask us time and time again that 223 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:16,600 Speaker 2: drives us all Why? Why? They want to understand their 224 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:20,160 Speaker 2: world and they want to understand the restrictions all the 225 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,760 Speaker 2: controls that have been placed on them. 226 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:25,040 Speaker 1: Quick question for you, why what's the second last letter 227 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:25,760 Speaker 1: of the alphabet? 228 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:26,640 Speaker 2: Why? 229 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:27,360 Speaker 1: I just want to know. 230 00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:31,960 Speaker 2: I just think it's so it's so intriguing to me 231 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:37,520 Speaker 2: that we are literally wired that way from the time 232 00:12:37,559 --> 00:12:40,200 Speaker 2: they're speaking. It's one of the first questions they learned 233 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:43,680 Speaker 2: to ask, and they don't even learn it. It's literally there. 234 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:47,040 Speaker 2: They are so inquisitive and curious about the world around them, 235 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:49,320 Speaker 2: and they want to understand why. And the more we 236 00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:53,199 Speaker 2: work together with them to explain and empower them, the 237 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:55,960 Speaker 2: more capable they feel and competent they feel to deal 238 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:56,439 Speaker 2: with the world. 239 00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,319 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's right, and you've tapped into these basic psychological 240 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:05,360 Speaker 1: needs when you spend time engaging in their perspective, providing rationales, rules, limits, 241 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:10,040 Speaker 1: rationals for the rules and limits, and really engaging with 242 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:13,120 Speaker 1: them in developing a way forward. What you're doing is 243 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,160 Speaker 1: you're giving them credit for having a brain. You're giving 244 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,800 Speaker 1: them a sense of volition, choice voice in their lives. 245 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,640 Speaker 1: They feel like they are actually in the driver's seat 246 00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:23,160 Speaker 1: of their life to some degree, certainly at a developmentally 247 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:27,040 Speaker 1: appropriate level. And they feel competent, they feel capable, they 248 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,360 Speaker 1: feel like you believe in their ability to do it. 249 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:32,120 Speaker 1: So we will link to the paper in the show notes. 250 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,200 Speaker 1: I think that it's one of the most important papers 251 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:35,840 Speaker 1: that have been published. I know it's a bit geeky. 252 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,600 Speaker 1: I don't know how many of you hung around at 253 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,360 Speaker 1: the very end, but it's a really important paper and 254 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:41,880 Speaker 1: I just had to share it on the pod today. 255 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:43,720 Speaker 1: Are you glad you listened to that one? You're glad 256 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,280 Speaker 1: you sat here with me? For the last sort of 257 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,480 Speaker 1: fifteen minutes and talk to it over with me. Sure, 258 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,920 Speaker 1: so convincing. This is why I do how to do 259 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,680 Speaker 1: so I can interpret that sort of science and help 260 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:55,679 Speaker 1: And this happened. 261 00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:56,440 Speaker 2: I'm in the kitchen. 262 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,640 Speaker 1: Oh boy, we can get in trouble of saying that 263 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:03,160 Speaker 1: it's twenty twenty five, but let's just go with anywhere. 264 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:05,560 Speaker 1: I really appreciate that I get to sit here and 265 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,480 Speaker 1: you get to go and do that. It just works 266 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,319 Speaker 1: so well for the two of us in our context. Anyway, 267 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:12,040 Speaker 1: If this has been helpful, we'll link to the paper 268 00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:13,840 Speaker 1: in the show notes. Thanks so much for listening to 269 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,880 Speaker 1: the Happy Families Podcast today our Doctor's Desk edition. The 270 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:20,400 Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media, 271 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,640 Speaker 1: and if you'd like more info and more resources to 272 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:26,240 Speaker 1: make your family happier, please visit us at Happy Families 273 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:27,080 Speaker 1: dot com dot a