1 00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:09,000 Speaker 1: It's The Happy Family's podcast. Hello and welcome. My name's 2 00:00:09,039 --> 00:00:12,680 Speaker 1: doctor Justin Coulson, and this is the podcast that's dedicated 3 00:00:13,039 --> 00:00:15,760 Speaker 1: to making your family happier Today. It's all about the 4 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,960 Speaker 1: relationships that we share with our children. We're looking at 5 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:22,560 Speaker 1: ways that we can be the best parent possible. We'll 6 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,959 Speaker 1: discover five ideas that I've got that could help us 7 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:28,800 Speaker 1: to be absolutely fabulous if we could do it all 8 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,120 Speaker 1: the time. In three minute therapy, I'm going to share 9 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:33,680 Speaker 1: a question from a mum who sounds like she probably 10 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:35,199 Speaker 1: should be the Mum of the Year. She is being 11 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:37,200 Speaker 1: the best parent possible, but she wants to be better. 12 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:40,320 Speaker 1: You'll understand what I mean when we get to three 13 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,199 Speaker 1: minute therapy. And I've also got a thought for you 14 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:46,080 Speaker 1: from a profoundly insightful author that really gets to the 15 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:49,360 Speaker 1: heart of what being a parent is all about, especially 16 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:53,080 Speaker 1: this idea of perfect parenting. So that's all coming up 17 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,840 Speaker 1: in the podcast. First, though, sixty second psychology. We're looking 18 00:00:55,880 --> 00:01:00,000 Speaker 1: at something that psychologists call conditional positive regard and how 19 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:04,560 Speaker 1: well showing conditional positive regard for our kids can impact 20 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:06,760 Speaker 1: on their anxiety. We'll find out how in just a 21 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:09,160 Speaker 1: sec In case you've missed it. The way sixty second 22 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,160 Speaker 1: psychology works is that I tell you all about a study. 23 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:13,160 Speaker 1: I've only got sixty seconds to tell you about it 24 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,279 Speaker 1: before Russell, my producer, buzzes me out with the timer. 25 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:19,400 Speaker 1: Why would we do this, Well, apparently I talk too 26 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:21,760 Speaker 1: much and this is the way that Russell gets to 27 00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:25,880 Speaker 1: keep me on task and on time. So sixty second 28 00:01:25,959 --> 00:01:31,080 Speaker 1: psychology time starts right now. When parents use conditional regard, 29 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:33,800 Speaker 1: what they're effectively saying is listen, kids, you'll get my 30 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:36,959 Speaker 1: kind positive attention when you do what I like. But 31 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,720 Speaker 1: when you don't do what I like, I'm going to 32 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:40,280 Speaker 1: ignore you or I'm going to get mad at you. 33 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:42,880 Speaker 1: And so when kids are upset or anxious or struggling, 34 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:46,400 Speaker 1: some parents will use conditional positive regard to try and 35 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,960 Speaker 1: condition their children to get over it. It's kind of 36 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:53,440 Speaker 1: like tough love. Well. This particular study, conducted by researchers 37 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:56,800 Speaker 1: from Benguren University in Israel, looked at how this conditional 38 00:01:56,840 --> 00:02:00,760 Speaker 1: regard from mums influences teens with anxiety. More than two 39 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:03,440 Speaker 1: hundred and thirty mother teen pairings were in their mums 40 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:07,000 Speaker 1: reported use of conditional regard correlated with teens belief that 41 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,320 Speaker 1: that's what mums were doing. So the researchers looked at 42 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:12,840 Speaker 1: how this conditional regard impacted our anxiety in teens and 43 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:16,840 Speaker 1: they found that teenager's anxiety was heightened. They felt more stress, 44 00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:20,600 Speaker 1: more controlled, more pressure to suppress their anxiety, which unsurprisingly 45 00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:23,320 Speaker 1: doesn't work very well even when mums were trying to 46 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,680 Speaker 1: be warm in their conditional regarded impacted on the children. 47 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:31,040 Speaker 1: The researchers suggest that adolescents experience more rather than less difficulty. 48 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:33,600 Speaker 1: I'm having a hard time finishing this in sixty seconds. 49 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,320 Speaker 1: That's three weeks in a row. I haven't made it. 50 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:39,239 Speaker 1: Let me finish that sentence. The researchers suggest that adolescents 51 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:44,119 Speaker 1: actually experienced more rather than less difficulty in anxiety when 52 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:47,240 Speaker 1: we're conditional towards them, and so they argue that we 53 00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:51,160 Speaker 1: should be unconditional in our parenting, unconditional in our regard 54 00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:56,079 Speaker 1: towards our kids. Conditional positive regard is not a good idea. 55 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,400 Speaker 1: Our kids need to feel unconditionally loved. That's when they 56 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:02,800 Speaker 1: feel secure and safe. Anxiety drops. Okay, up next, we're 57 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:03,920 Speaker 1: going to take a look at how we can be 58 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,640 Speaker 1: more unconditional. We'll investigate five ways that we can be 59 00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:08,880 Speaker 1: the best parent that we can be. 60 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:12,160 Speaker 2: Everyone wants their family to be happy, but so much 61 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:15,760 Speaker 2: gets in the way. Work, stress, commitments, and our children's 62 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:18,920 Speaker 2: challenging behavior are some of the usual suspects, and we 63 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,760 Speaker 2: can all tidy up our parenting style and get clearer 64 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:24,960 Speaker 2: about what we'll actually make our family happier. Twenty one 65 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,360 Speaker 2: Days to a Happier Family is the best selling parenting 66 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:30,480 Speaker 2: book by doctor Justin Coulson, with answers to both common 67 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:34,680 Speaker 2: and complicated parenting problems. Combining cutting edge scientific insights with 68 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,840 Speaker 2: real examples of family life in the trenches, you'll find 69 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:41,400 Speaker 2: dozens of strategies for making your family happier. Twenty one 70 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,720 Speaker 2: Days to a Happier Family available online and from booksellers 71 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:47,600 Speaker 2: everywhere and at happy families dot com dot au. 72 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,920 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast. I'm doctor Justin Colson. Thanks 73 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:53,120 Speaker 1: for joining in. Think of the times that your parenting 74 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,640 Speaker 1: has been at its best, those times when you were 75 00:03:55,840 --> 00:04:01,120 Speaker 1: unconditionally there for your children and it felt right. Well, 76 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,480 Speaker 1: when I ask parents to tell me about these times, 77 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:05,600 Speaker 1: this is what they usually say to me. You know, 78 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:08,280 Speaker 1: I was unconditionally there, I was getting it right when 79 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:11,240 Speaker 1: we were having that dinner time conversation, or we were 80 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:14,480 Speaker 1: on holidays and we had no agenda, or weekends at 81 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:16,919 Speaker 1: the park or at the beach, playing games in the 82 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,720 Speaker 1: lounge room, walking and talking, going for a drive. The 83 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,640 Speaker 1: last ten minutes each night when I tuck them in 84 00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:24,360 Speaker 1: and we just chat. It seems that time together, like 85 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:27,240 Speaker 1: really focus time, focusing on one another is the most 86 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 1: profound and powerful way for us to build strong relationships 87 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:33,440 Speaker 1: and for us to feel like great parents. I don't 88 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,120 Speaker 1: know of any parent that's ever said to me, you know, 89 00:04:35,279 --> 00:04:37,200 Speaker 1: justin I feel like I was being the best parent 90 00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:39,000 Speaker 1: I could be when I did that overtime that day, 91 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:40,800 Speaker 1: because I was doing it for the kids. I was 92 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,359 Speaker 1: getting that extra money for that holiday. We don't feel 93 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:46,160 Speaker 1: good when we're staying up late watching movies and then 94 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,440 Speaker 1: we wake up the next morning and we're lousy, tired, 95 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:52,359 Speaker 1: cranky parents. Now, getting some me time or providing for 96 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,960 Speaker 1: the family is important that helps us to be good parents. 97 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:58,039 Speaker 1: But it seems that we time time together has the 98 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:02,240 Speaker 1: potential to bring out the best in us and the 99 00:05:02,279 --> 00:05:04,480 Speaker 1: best in our kids. So let's have a look at 100 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:07,200 Speaker 1: five ways that we can be better parents and also 101 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,680 Speaker 1: bring out the best in our kids. The first is 102 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:12,640 Speaker 1: using strengths. I'll say it really really simply, when we 103 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:16,560 Speaker 1: use our strengths, we perform well, we feel good, we 104 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,479 Speaker 1: feel like we're doing what we're supposed to be doing 105 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:21,280 Speaker 1: with our lives and in our parenting. We can use 106 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:24,440 Speaker 1: our strengths to be better parents. Similarly, if we can 107 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:26,880 Speaker 1: help our kids to use their strengths, they'll be better. 108 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:29,839 Speaker 1: They'll feel more engaged with life, they'll feel better about life. 109 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:33,680 Speaker 1: We want to cultivate our strengths and our children's strengths 110 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:36,560 Speaker 1: to make our families happier and to be better parents. 111 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:42,919 Speaker 1: Second idea, be grateful. It's pretty simple. Grateful people are happier, 112 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:46,440 Speaker 1: they have better relationships, they're more optimistic, they're even healthier, 113 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:48,440 Speaker 1: whether it's at school, or at work or at home. 114 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,720 Speaker 1: If we're grateful, we do better. So, if we want 115 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,000 Speaker 1: to be the best parents that we can be, let's 116 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,120 Speaker 1: try being grateful. Grateful for what we've got as parents, 117 00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:00,400 Speaker 1: and grateful for the the things that we can do 118 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:02,800 Speaker 1: with our kids. Let me give you an example. Last night, 119 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:06,039 Speaker 1: as I was tucking in my little twenty two month 120 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:09,800 Speaker 1: old baby girl, I looked at her and I was 121 00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:12,880 Speaker 1: just overcome with how precious she is, how grateful I 122 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:16,160 Speaker 1: am for her, and it made me squeeze that a 123 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,400 Speaker 1: little bit closer and spend that extra couple of minutes 124 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:21,760 Speaker 1: with her as she went to bed. It made bedtime nicer, 125 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:26,640 Speaker 1: It made her feel safer and more secure. She went 126 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:30,640 Speaker 1: down an absolute dream because she felt so safe. I'm 127 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,279 Speaker 1: guessing now we can express our gratitude to our kids 128 00:06:33,279 --> 00:06:35,359 Speaker 1: with hugs, we can say things, we can drop a 129 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,960 Speaker 1: note into their lunch box or under their pillow. What 130 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,120 Speaker 1: this does is builds trust in the relationship, and it 131 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,599 Speaker 1: makes us better parents, and it teaches our kids to 132 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,159 Speaker 1: be grateful as well, because we're modeling it. The third 133 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:48,560 Speaker 1: thing we can do is to look forward to the future. 134 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:51,360 Speaker 1: If you're not looking forward to the future, you're probably 135 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:52,760 Speaker 1: not going to be very fun to be around. 136 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:52,880 Speaker 3: Now. 137 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:54,760 Speaker 1: Fair enough, Sometimes there are things coming up in the 138 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:56,760 Speaker 1: future that are not fun. There are things that we 139 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,839 Speaker 1: are worried about, things that stress us out, things that 140 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:02,599 Speaker 1: makes us really really anxious and worried. But if we 141 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:05,520 Speaker 1: can look forward with hope, we will be happier. We'll 142 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:08,200 Speaker 1: pass that on too our kids. We'll have an optimistic 143 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:12,320 Speaker 1: outlook on life, and the research tells us pretty clearly 144 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:15,920 Speaker 1: that optimists have more friends, they have better relationships, and 145 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:19,760 Speaker 1: they're happier in life than pessimists. Okay, the third sorry, 146 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:21,600 Speaker 1: the fourth thing that we can do is to be mindful. 147 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:24,360 Speaker 1: We're simply better parents when we're focused on the here 148 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,400 Speaker 1: and now, where we are, right where our feet are. 149 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:29,360 Speaker 1: When our kids want us and we say I'm listening 150 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:30,840 Speaker 1: to you, and we look them in the eyes and 151 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:35,200 Speaker 1: pay attention, we're better parents. Be here now, be mindful. 152 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 1: Your stress levels will drop, your happiness will increase. Your 153 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:40,880 Speaker 1: family life will be better. Your kids will feel loved 154 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:42,920 Speaker 1: and appreciated. They'll play up less because they know that 155 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:46,640 Speaker 1: they've got your attention when they need you. Mindfulness matters. 156 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:50,520 Speaker 1: And the fifth and final idea, well, be kind. I 157 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,560 Speaker 1: don't think there's anything that tells our children that we 158 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,440 Speaker 1: love them and shows that we're invested in our family 159 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:59,640 Speaker 1: like being kind. If our children make mistakes, when they 160 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:03,600 Speaker 1: challenge us, when they disobey us, even when they disappoint us, 161 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:07,960 Speaker 1: there are three central reasons, three central choices. We can 162 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,920 Speaker 1: make sorry. Number one we can get mad. Number two 163 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,560 Speaker 1: we can ignore them. Or number three we can use it. 164 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,560 Speaker 1: As a chance to be kind, to connect, to be 165 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,520 Speaker 1: closer to them, to teach them to do better next time. 166 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:22,520 Speaker 1: It's through kindness that we model exactly the characteristics that 167 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:25,640 Speaker 1: we want our kids to become. It's through kindness that 168 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,720 Speaker 1: we draw our children closer that we can influence them more. 169 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,920 Speaker 1: It's through kindness that we become the best parents that 170 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:36,080 Speaker 1: we can be. So five things. Use your strengths. Be grateful, 171 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:39,480 Speaker 1: be optimistic and look forward to the future. Be mindful, 172 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:41,840 Speaker 1: and be kind. Now you're probably going to fail this 173 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:46,200 Speaker 1: afternoon or tomorrow. It happens. If you do, that's fine. 174 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:50,280 Speaker 1: Parenting is hard work, but get back on try again. 175 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:53,120 Speaker 1: Be the best parent you can. By doing those five things, 176 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:56,439 Speaker 1: it'll make a difference. Here's my question for you, when 177 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:59,160 Speaker 1: you're trying to make your family happiest, What do you 178 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:02,120 Speaker 1: do to make sure that you're your best for your children? 179 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:04,400 Speaker 1: I'd love you to leave your answer at happy families 180 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:07,040 Speaker 1: dot com, dot use slash podcast, slash sixteen, as in 181 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,200 Speaker 1: the number sixteen, What do you do to make sure 182 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,079 Speaker 1: that you're at your best for your children? Happy families 183 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:16,200 Speaker 1: dot com, dot use slash podcast, slash sixteen. Share the 184 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:18,559 Speaker 1: share the news, Share the joy. Let's see if we 185 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:21,680 Speaker 1: can make other people's families happier. All right, Up next, 186 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:25,000 Speaker 1: we've got three minute therapy and a mum who's feeling stuck, 187 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,480 Speaker 1: even though I think she's probably doing a pretty amazing 188 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,400 Speaker 1: job and maybe she could win the Mother of the 189 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:30,959 Speaker 1: Year award. 190 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:34,600 Speaker 2: Family life is pretty tough going sometimes. Most days are 191 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:38,360 Speaker 2: a struggle between strong willed children and frazzled parents. And 192 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:41,160 Speaker 2: while no parent wakes up in the morning saying today's 193 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:44,040 Speaker 2: the day I'm going to ruin everyone's lives, it sometimes 194 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,320 Speaker 2: feels like that by the end of the day. Twenty 195 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,560 Speaker 2: one Days to a Happier Family is the number one 196 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:51,880 Speaker 2: parenting book by doctor Justin Corulson for parents who want 197 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:54,520 Speaker 2: their kids to be better, themselves, to be calmer, and 198 00:09:54,559 --> 00:09:57,160 Speaker 2: their family to be happier now. The book is also 199 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:00,839 Speaker 2: available as an online video course. In the you'll find 200 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,240 Speaker 2: specific strategies to help you be at your best, evidence 201 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:08,000 Speaker 2: based ideas to strengthen your relationship with your children, research 202 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:11,960 Speaker 2: proven practices to improve understanding between you and your child, 203 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:16,800 Speaker 2: discipline strategies that work because they're about discipline and not punishment, 204 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:19,880 Speaker 2: and more tips to make your family happier and as 205 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:22,920 Speaker 2: a special offer only for podcast business, use the Code 206 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:26,120 Speaker 2: podcast at check out for a massive fifty dollars, saving 207 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:29,079 Speaker 2: twenty one days to a happier family. The online video 208 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:32,240 Speaker 2: course by doctor Justin Coulson Get it now from Happy 209 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,000 Speaker 2: Families dot com dot au. 210 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,880 Speaker 1: Here's the email I received from a mum who seems 211 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:39,160 Speaker 1: to be doing okay but wants to be doing even better. Hi, 212 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,319 Speaker 1: doctor Justin. I love your guidance based approach to discipline, 213 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:45,680 Speaker 1: but I have a four year old who hits and 214 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:49,480 Speaker 1: who scratches. He's usually a treasure and we have no 215 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:53,400 Speaker 1: problems with him. He's cooperative, he's kind, eager to learn, 216 00:10:53,559 --> 00:10:55,880 Speaker 1: great to be around. I know I don't need to 217 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,559 Speaker 1: punish him to teach him, but he's had this hitting, 218 00:10:58,559 --> 00:11:02,360 Speaker 1: scratching tendency since he was two. Now he's four. He 219 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:06,040 Speaker 1: only saves it for me and his younger brother. It's 220 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,360 Speaker 1: usually when he's sick, tired, or feeling vulnerable, so I 221 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:10,920 Speaker 1: know he's trying to communicate with me. My family and 222 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,520 Speaker 1: friends are telling him I need to crack down on 223 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,600 Speaker 1: him because he's old enough to know better. We talk 224 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:19,600 Speaker 1: about superheroes not hurting people, but looking after people. He 225 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,920 Speaker 1: likes that. I want to help him, but the more 226 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,520 Speaker 1: I stay with him, the more he hurts me. Should 227 00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:27,199 Speaker 1: I walk away? So three minute therapy? How do we 228 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:28,800 Speaker 1: help this mum who seems to be doing such a 229 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:31,720 Speaker 1: great job. Here's what I think. It sounds as though 230 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:37,480 Speaker 1: things are mostly on track. Discipline, as this mum said, 231 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,520 Speaker 1: we'll call her Jenny. As Jenny said, he's about teaching 232 00:11:40,559 --> 00:11:44,559 Speaker 1: your children, not punishing your children. But now and then 233 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:48,640 Speaker 1: when he goes a little bit crazy, teaching isn't working now. 234 00:11:48,679 --> 00:11:50,400 Speaker 1: No child wakes up in the morning thinking well, who 235 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:53,079 Speaker 1: can I hurt today? But sometimes they do get overwhelmed, 236 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,160 Speaker 1: and I think Jenny's noticing that. So let's have a 237 00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:58,480 Speaker 1: look at what's been identified. First of all, this little 238 00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:02,400 Speaker 1: boy is hurting Jenny and hurting his brother when he's 239 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,880 Speaker 1: sick and tired and vulnerable. So it's good to know 240 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,480 Speaker 1: these triggers. Sick, tired, vulnerable. When he's feeling like that, 241 00:12:08,559 --> 00:12:10,400 Speaker 1: you can increase your level of attention to him. You 242 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,760 Speaker 1: can reduce the likelihood that he's going to hurt others. 243 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:18,840 Speaker 1: Every parent should remember h l tss Holtz stands so hungry, angry, lonely, tired, 244 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,560 Speaker 1: stressed or sick, and explains the main reasons that children 245 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,480 Speaker 1: and even grown ups act out in really challenging ways. Now, 246 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:26,160 Speaker 1: the second thing with this little boy is that he's 247 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,800 Speaker 1: not hurting people outside the family. It's only Mum and 248 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:31,200 Speaker 1: his little brother, which means that he does know what 249 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,760 Speaker 1: to do. He knows it's not okay to behave like that, 250 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:35,439 Speaker 1: and he's probably only doing it at home because he's 251 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:38,120 Speaker 1: tired and frustrated and sick and vulnerable, and he actually 252 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,559 Speaker 1: feels safe enough to know that he can get away 253 00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:42,920 Speaker 1: with it. So how do we help him to get 254 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,840 Speaker 1: his frustrations sorted out in positive ways? Here's some solutions. 255 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:49,600 Speaker 1: Number one, I love the idea of talking about him 256 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:53,559 Speaker 1: through a superhero lens. It's talking to him like, you know, 257 00:12:53,679 --> 00:12:56,240 Speaker 1: this is what's interesting to him. He's engaged in it, 258 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:59,400 Speaker 1: and he's teaching. He's learning valuable principles in a way 259 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,600 Speaker 1: that makes sense to him. So this superhero's idea is terrific. 260 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:05,160 Speaker 1: Parents and parents of any boy or any girl who 261 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:07,960 Speaker 1: likes superheroes should take a leaf out of this book 262 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:13,280 Speaker 1: and go with this second thing. Keep doing what you're doing. 263 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,560 Speaker 1: Don't listen to people who say you need to crack 264 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,680 Speaker 1: down on this kid. You need to you need to 265 00:13:17,679 --> 00:13:20,160 Speaker 1: be punitive, you need to hurt him. Don't do that. 266 00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:23,319 Speaker 1: It's only going to damage the relationship. He doesn't need punishment, 267 00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:25,840 Speaker 1: he just needs more teaching. So the third thing, and 268 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,440 Speaker 1: this is really the crux of it. Do you walk 269 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:30,120 Speaker 1: away when your kids are being rat bags or being challenging? 270 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,440 Speaker 1: I shouldn't call them rap bags when they're being challenging. Well, 271 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:35,360 Speaker 1: the answer is yes and no. The next time that 272 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:36,960 Speaker 1: this happens, what you want to do is let him 273 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,040 Speaker 1: know that it's not okay for him to hurt you 274 00:13:39,679 --> 00:13:43,880 Speaker 1: or his brother. Instead, invite him to talk like you 275 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:47,079 Speaker 1: normally would. But if he gets obstinate, if he gets oppositional, 276 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,840 Speaker 1: if he starts becoming aggressive, let him know I can 277 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:53,120 Speaker 1: see you're upset. Folks on his emotion, showing me I understand, 278 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,360 Speaker 1: say the name of the emotion, and if he responds, great, 279 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:59,559 Speaker 1: But if he doesn't, if his non response, if he's aggressive, 280 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,480 Speaker 1: tell him. Look, I want to help you, but you're 281 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,559 Speaker 1: not letting me. So I'm going to go and wait 282 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:05,840 Speaker 1: in the kitchen or wherever it is that you're going 283 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,800 Speaker 1: to go, and you can come and talk to me 284 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,480 Speaker 1: as soon as you came. Do you want a hug 285 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:11,959 Speaker 1: before I go? If he says yes, great, he's probably 286 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,800 Speaker 1: gonna calm down. If he says no, walk away before 287 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,680 Speaker 1: you leave the room off for one more time. Would 288 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,640 Speaker 1: you like a hug before I go? He might change 289 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,040 Speaker 1: his mind if he doesn't remind him. Okay, I'll be 290 00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:21,640 Speaker 1: out here when you're ready. As soon as you want 291 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:22,960 Speaker 1: to talk, you can come and have a hug and 292 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,320 Speaker 1: we'll talk about it. Let him know he's not in trouble. 293 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:27,880 Speaker 1: Let him know he's not going to be punished. Instead, 294 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,640 Speaker 1: you're leaving him because he's trying to hurt you. But 295 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:32,160 Speaker 1: as soon as he's calm and he doesn't want to 296 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,360 Speaker 1: hurt you anymore, then you can work through it. I 297 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,520 Speaker 1: think that this is really the focus here. Other parents 298 00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:40,440 Speaker 1: focus on doing things to their children as punishment for 299 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:43,080 Speaker 1: challenging behavior. So they hit and they yell and they threaten, 300 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,160 Speaker 1: they withdraw privileges, and they use time out and so 301 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,000 Speaker 1: on to teach the child a lesson. But all the 302 00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:50,440 Speaker 1: child learns is that mum or dad is nasty and 303 00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:53,520 Speaker 1: hurts them and doesn't understand what we're working for. Here 304 00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:56,640 Speaker 1: is a doing sorry rather than doing too. Is a 305 00:14:56,720 --> 00:15:00,240 Speaker 1: working with approach, which means we're trying to problem of 306 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:03,720 Speaker 1: and we're trying to model exactly the respectful behavior that 307 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,000 Speaker 1: we want to see in our child. But if you 308 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,400 Speaker 1: won't work with you, then give him some time and 309 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,720 Speaker 1: some space, not as punishment, but because he needs to 310 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,560 Speaker 1: calm down. Okay, that's three minute therapy and I actually 311 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,320 Speaker 1: almost stuck to time first time ever. Up next, one 312 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:17,160 Speaker 1: of the most awesome statements that I've heard from a 313 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:20,240 Speaker 1: parenting expert over the years about perfect parenting, and a 314 00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:23,720 Speaker 1: reminder about a special discount only available to podcast listeners 315 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:27,520 Speaker 1: for My Biggest Coolest program online. 316 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,800 Speaker 3: Most children are born curious and confident. They love to 317 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,880 Speaker 3: explore the world, meet new friends, and try new things. 318 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,880 Speaker 3: But between the ages of two and twelve, confidence often 319 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,320 Speaker 3: drops off. Why and how can we rebuild it? Creating 320 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:42,880 Speaker 3: Confident Kids is an easy to read ebook for busy 321 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,120 Speaker 3: parents where you'll discover the five biggest mistakes most parents 322 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:49,160 Speaker 3: make that crush their kids' confidence, and the five best 323 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,680 Speaker 3: confidence boosters for building resilience and well being in your children. 324 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:56,960 Speaker 3: Creating Confident Kids by doctor Justin Coulson at Happy Families 325 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:57,880 Speaker 3: Dot com dot Au. 326 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,880 Speaker 1: It's The Happy Family's podcast. I'm doctor to Justin Coulson. 327 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,200 Speaker 1: I came across a quote this week that I just 328 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,280 Speaker 1: had to share. See, sometimes we get caught up in 329 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:09,960 Speaker 1: expecting a lot of our children. We want them to 330 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,160 Speaker 1: be better, We pounce on them when they get stuff wrong. 331 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:15,680 Speaker 1: This is what parenting author L. R. Nost said in 332 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:21,520 Speaker 1: the Gentle parent quote. Parenting has nothing to do with perfection. 333 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:25,080 Speaker 1: Perfection isn't even the goal, not for us, not for 334 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:30,280 Speaker 1: our children. Learning together to live well in an imperfect world, 335 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:33,640 Speaker 1: loving each other despite or even because of our imperfections, 336 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:36,560 Speaker 1: and growing as humans while we grow our little humans. 337 00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:39,760 Speaker 1: Those are the goals of gentle parenting. So don't ask 338 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:40,960 Speaker 1: yourself at the end of the day if you did 339 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,520 Speaker 1: everything right. Ask yourself what you learned and how were 340 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:49,440 Speaker 1: you loved, how well you loved? Then grow from your answer. 341 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:54,520 Speaker 1: That is perfect parenting. I love that. Ask yourself what 342 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:57,480 Speaker 1: you learned and how well you loved? Then grow from 343 00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:02,160 Speaker 1: your answer that is perfect. Parenting isnt perfect. Well that's 344 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,080 Speaker 1: it for this week. Thank you for listening to the podcast. 345 00:17:04,119 --> 00:17:06,000 Speaker 1: I hope that your family is happier because of it. 346 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:09,000 Speaker 1: A reminder if you would like to make your family happier, 347 00:17:09,119 --> 00:17:11,560 Speaker 1: you can. You can access a huge discount to my 348 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:15,000 Speaker 1: twenty one days to a Happier Family online video program. 349 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:18,080 Speaker 1: It's fifty dollars off. Normally ninety seven dollars. You get 350 00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:20,679 Speaker 1: fifty dollars off. Takes down to forty seven dollars. You 351 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:24,000 Speaker 1: just have to use the code podcast at the checkout. 352 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:27,840 Speaker 1: It's one word podcast podcast. At the checkout, you get 353 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:29,720 Speaker 1: it for less than half priced. Twenty one Days to 354 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:32,920 Speaker 1: a Happier Family the online video program fifty dollars off 355 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,600 Speaker 1: only for podcast listeners. It's the only way that you 356 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,760 Speaker 1: can get that discount, so take advantage of it as 357 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,600 Speaker 1: soon as you can. And if you've enjoyed the podcast, 358 00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:42,879 Speaker 1: you'll find the outline and the resource links in the 359 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:45,040 Speaker 1: show notes at happy Families dot com dot I use 360 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:49,560 Speaker 1: slash podcast slash sixteen as in the number sixteen. I'd 361 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:51,520 Speaker 1: love it if you'd share it, link to it, or 362 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:54,320 Speaker 1: go to iTunes and subscribe and rate it. It helps 363 00:17:54,359 --> 00:17:57,040 Speaker 1: other people to find out about the podcast and for 364 00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:58,600 Speaker 1: all the work that goes into it. I'd love it 365 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,359 Speaker 1: if more and more and more people could joy and 366 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,080 Speaker 1: make their families happier with it. It's The Happy Family's Podcast. 367 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:06,800 Speaker 1: I'm doctor Justin Colson. Thank you for listening. Another podcast 368 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,399 Speaker 1: in a fortnight. Until then, remember you don't have to 369 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:11,240 Speaker 1: be the best parent in the world. You just have 370 00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:13,480 Speaker 1: to be the best parent in your children's world.