1 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:05,519 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. 2 00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:07,040 Speaker 2: It's the podcast for. 3 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:10,119 Speaker 1: The time poor parent who just wants answers. 4 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:12,720 Speaker 2: Now, Well, Kylie, your voice is in real crash hot today, 5 00:00:13,119 --> 00:00:14,360 Speaker 2: but we're going to do our best to get through 6 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:16,640 Speaker 2: today's podcast. Can you just say hi so everyone can 7 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:19,680 Speaker 2: hear how great you sound? Hi? You made it sound 8 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:22,960 Speaker 2: like your voice is fine. That's great. Gentle parenting is 9 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:25,640 Speaker 2: under fire. It has been quite a lot on social media. 10 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:28,200 Speaker 2: It's also the booming parenting style. It's the one that 11 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:31,280 Speaker 2: everybody wants to talk about. Kylie. Today we're going to 12 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:34,120 Speaker 2: examine what gentle parenting is, how it's looking, why it's 13 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:37,559 Speaker 2: looking that way, and just what you need to know. 14 00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:40,080 Speaker 2: And I thought the best place to start was with 15 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:45,000 Speaker 2: some gentle parenting from Parental Guidance. In season one, we 16 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:48,600 Speaker 2: had our attachment parents. They were very, very gentle our 17 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,239 Speaker 2: attachment parents. They were trying to complete a challenge. One 18 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:53,400 Speaker 2: of the kids was doing it just fine, and then 19 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:56,040 Speaker 2: the other kid wanted to join in. That led to 20 00:00:56,240 --> 00:01:00,880 Speaker 2: a whole lot of upset children and ultimately Raffi ended 21 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:05,320 Speaker 2: up outside at the car kicking the car, and Dad 22 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:07,039 Speaker 2: tried to step in and make things better. 23 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,880 Speaker 1: Trahi I want you to have some of that time. Rafi, 24 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:12,280 Speaker 1: do not kick that once more? 25 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,920 Speaker 2: Please, please, please. We don't be angry. We don't be violent. 26 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,520 Speaker 1: Do you want a dinged car that looks really wonky 27 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:22,920 Speaker 1: in Bombom. 28 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:25,399 Speaker 2: Is a weird one, okay, I said, it's not okay 29 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:25,960 Speaker 2: to kick. 30 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:29,600 Speaker 1: The car, Rafi, Raffi, do not kick that once more? 31 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:34,120 Speaker 2: Please, please, please, we don't be angry. So there was 32 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,039 Speaker 2: a lot of cringing happening in the studio. There are 33 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,240 Speaker 2: a lot of very awkward faces in the studio, including 34 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:43,000 Speaker 2: by the parents who are watching themselves looking completely impotent, 35 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:46,000 Speaker 2: totally incompetent in front of their little Raffi, who was 36 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:48,920 Speaker 2: so upset. Those dunk noises, by the way, were Rafi 37 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:50,360 Speaker 2: kicking the car in spite of the fact that he 38 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:51,600 Speaker 2: was being told not to kick the car. 39 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:53,160 Speaker 1: Maybe it was the use of bombong. 40 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:55,680 Speaker 2: We don't want to make the car bombong. That's what 41 00:01:56,200 --> 00:02:01,720 Speaker 2: bog bong. So gentle parenting is under fire, and let's 42 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:06,080 Speaker 2: be honest. When you see gentle parenting in its purest form, 43 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:08,800 Speaker 2: which I guess is kind of what we were seeing there, 44 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:14,480 Speaker 2: it looks horrible, it looks hard, looks exhausting, well, we. 45 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:16,120 Speaker 1: Really need to define it, because I don't know if 46 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,799 Speaker 1: they were necessarily the best example of gentle parenting. 47 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,800 Speaker 2: Well, here's what's really interesting. We don't have much research 48 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:24,359 Speaker 2: on gentle parenting. It's never been academically defined at all. 49 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:30,560 Speaker 2: The so called self described gentle parenting founder Sarah Akwallsmith 50 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:33,799 Speaker 2: describes gentle parenting as a way of being. She says, 51 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:38,120 Speaker 2: it's a mindset with an emphasis on your child's feelings. 52 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:41,160 Speaker 2: But every definition I've ever read of gentle parenting is 53 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:44,760 Speaker 2: really vague. It's really general. It certainly doesn't match any 54 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:47,600 Speaker 2: academic descriptions of any other parenting style that's ever existed. 55 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:51,239 Speaker 2: It's just it's just this vibe, right, And the vibe 56 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,760 Speaker 2: is you respect your kids' feelings, and you try to 57 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:58,040 Speaker 2: work things out gently and kindly, and you sit with 58 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:00,520 Speaker 2: your children in their emotions while they were through them 59 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,480 Speaker 2: so that you can then get on with things. In 60 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,880 Speaker 2: so many ways. And this actually frustrates me in so 61 00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:08,560 Speaker 2: many ways. It sounds like what I teach parents, except 62 00:03:08,639 --> 00:03:12,080 Speaker 2: it feels like it's a magnified, caricatured version of what 63 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,600 Speaker 2: I teach. It misses the essential elements of what it 64 00:03:15,639 --> 00:03:17,880 Speaker 2: is and we don't have any research evidence on it 65 00:03:17,919 --> 00:03:19,600 Speaker 2: because you can't measure it if you can't define it. 66 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:22,640 Speaker 2: Right now, it hasn't even been defined. So normally, parenting 67 00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:27,239 Speaker 2: styles develop out of research and evidence. So from the 68 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:29,919 Speaker 2: nineteen twenties through to about the nineteen seventies, we had 69 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:33,280 Speaker 2: behaviorism and that was basically don't hug your kids. And 70 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,720 Speaker 2: then from the nineteen eighties, nineteen nineties into the early 71 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,640 Speaker 2: two thousands, it was the attachment style, which was always 72 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:42,360 Speaker 2: hug your kids. And then we had free range parents, 73 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:46,520 Speaker 2: which is like, where are my kids? But now gentle 74 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:48,840 Speaker 2: parenting has kind of taken over the world. More than 75 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:52,040 Speaker 2: fifty percent of parents in one survey that I came 76 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:56,680 Speaker 2: across described themselves as gentle parents. It's been really pushed 77 00:03:56,680 --> 00:04:00,280 Speaker 2: by the mummy blogers, the instantmums, the TikTok crowd, Dental 78 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:05,400 Speaker 2: parenting is everywhere, and yet it's really really poorly defined. 79 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:10,600 Speaker 2: And because it's poorly defined, basically permissive, indulgent parenting or 80 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,160 Speaker 2: parenting that's all about feelings and not about boundaries get 81 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:15,040 Speaker 2: slumped in as being called gentle parenting, which is why 82 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,440 Speaker 2: I don't like gentle parenting. I just think it's too vague. 83 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:19,479 Speaker 2: It's not helpful when. 84 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,240 Speaker 1: You see or hear a clip like we just played 85 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:27,599 Speaker 1: and recognize that that would be a depiction of gentle parenting. 86 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 1: The first thing that comes to my mind is an 87 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:35,000 Speaker 1: absolute polar extreme from the way I would suggest most 88 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:42,599 Speaker 1: of our generation was raised. Yeah, heavy handed, very very controlling, 89 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:47,880 Speaker 1: strong boundaries, doo's and don'ts, children to be seen, not heard, 90 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:52,599 Speaker 1: our emotions, not really taken into account, and it feels 91 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:58,840 Speaker 1: like it's literally a rejection of everything that we were 92 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:04,080 Speaker 1: raised with to the polar extreme. Yes, it's like taking 93 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:09,040 Speaker 1: out all of the positive and there were positives, taking 94 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:11,960 Speaker 1: all of that out of the equation and going the 95 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:13,400 Speaker 1: complete other way. 96 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,560 Speaker 2: I was going to say something really similar as I 97 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,480 Speaker 2: talked to parents in parenting seven hours right around the country. 98 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,240 Speaker 2: So often parents will say, I just don't want to 99 00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:21,840 Speaker 2: do to my kids what my parents did to me. 100 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:24,600 Speaker 2: The word that you use, that idea of a rejection 101 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:29,760 Speaker 2: really really resonates for me. There is a little bit 102 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,240 Speaker 2: of research that's just starting to be done, some research 103 00:05:32,279 --> 00:05:34,479 Speaker 2: that was done by somebody called Annie Pizzala. She's a 104 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:38,279 Speaker 2: researcher at McAllister College in the United States. And in 105 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,839 Speaker 2: her research, what she basically found was that gentle parenting, 106 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:48,280 Speaker 2: again not well defined at all, is fundamentally about elevating 107 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:53,360 Speaker 2: our children's emotions. Kids and their emotions. That's the central theme. 108 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,840 Speaker 2: And I think that it grows out of work by 109 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,919 Speaker 2: John Gotman. He wrote a book called Raising an Emotionally 110 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:01,880 Speaker 2: Intelligent Child, which was a brilliant book, so well written, 111 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:06,040 Speaker 2: so well researched, really really carefully put together and gives 112 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:10,359 Speaker 2: great guidance. But again, gentle parenting is kind of blown 113 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:13,839 Speaker 2: up from that. It's been amplified, and there are really 114 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,920 Speaker 2: important nuances that have been missed. Like you said, it's 115 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,680 Speaker 2: kind of the whole. I'm going to reject previous generations 116 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:21,800 Speaker 2: and pick up on this and run with it. But 117 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:25,000 Speaker 2: there's nuance, there's detail. There are important things that aren't 118 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:29,520 Speaker 2: showing up in modern parenting, especially in this gentle parenting movement. 119 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:33,159 Speaker 2: And my pushback is that we're not our kids therapists. 120 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:35,520 Speaker 2: And one of the challenges with the whole raising an 121 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:39,680 Speaker 2: emotionally intelligent child the emotion coaching process, which when I 122 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:43,040 Speaker 2: first started running parenting seminars was brand new. Everyone was like, Wow, 123 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:46,279 Speaker 2: this is incredible. I love it. What's happened is everything 124 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,800 Speaker 2: has become about emotions. Emotions have become king. And when 125 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,480 Speaker 2: you do that, when you indulge your kids and their emotions, 126 00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:55,920 Speaker 2: what ends up happening is the kids start to feel 127 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:58,120 Speaker 2: like they can get away with anything. 128 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:03,520 Speaker 1: So there's a saying that I've heard a number of 129 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,560 Speaker 1: times over the years where. 130 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:08,719 Speaker 2: Your attention, where your attention goes. 131 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:09,960 Speaker 1: Is your energy flows. 132 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:10,360 Speaker 2: That's it. 133 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:14,320 Speaker 1: And so when we think about this whole notion of 134 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:21,600 Speaker 1: emotions being key, If my child is anxious and we 135 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:26,800 Speaker 1: put so much emphasis on those feelings of anxiety, does 136 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:30,840 Speaker 1: that not then have the possibility of creating more anxiety? 137 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:32,880 Speaker 2: Exactly. The more you sit in that emotion, the more 138 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,960 Speaker 2: you focus on the emotion, the more you magnify and 139 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:38,800 Speaker 2: amplify and exacerbate and accelerate that emotion. The other thing 140 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,640 Speaker 2: that I would add to that is when we focus 141 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:43,400 Speaker 2: on our kids feelings, sometimes we do it at the 142 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,160 Speaker 2: expense of our own feelings or at the expense of 143 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:48,440 Speaker 2: the feelings of other people in the family. And so 144 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:50,880 Speaker 2: the kids really do believe that their feelings are the 145 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:54,200 Speaker 2: only feelings that matter, and rather we're trying to teach empathy, 146 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:56,320 Speaker 2: but we're reducing empathy because the kids feel like, well, 147 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:58,480 Speaker 2: I'm having an emotion and I need all of your 148 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,800 Speaker 2: attention and all of your focus now, which means that 149 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:06,680 Speaker 2: your priorities and the feelings, emotions, experiences of the other 150 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,040 Speaker 2: kids in the family all kind of get pushed to 151 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:10,600 Speaker 2: the side as well so that we can elevate this 152 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:14,040 Speaker 2: one child's emotions. It's not healthy for kids, it's not 153 00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:16,840 Speaker 2: healthy for effective family functioning. No. 154 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:18,720 Speaker 1: Well, I know when I'm having a bad day and 155 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:24,360 Speaker 1: I'm feeling really sad. I love it when you respect 156 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:27,320 Speaker 1: the fact that I'm having a hard day. But you're 157 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:29,080 Speaker 1: not going to sit in that space with me and 158 00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:33,640 Speaker 1: wallow with me. I don't want you to match my energy. 159 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:37,280 Speaker 1: I don't want you to sit there and help me 160 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:39,720 Speaker 1: to focus on all of the hard stuff because I 161 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:40,920 Speaker 1: don't want to be in that space. 162 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, no offense, but I don't want to be there either, 163 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,520 Speaker 2: So there's no point me joining you in it for 164 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,360 Speaker 2: more than a minute or two just to say I 165 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:47,640 Speaker 2: get it. 166 00:08:47,679 --> 00:08:50,080 Speaker 1: You're having a hard time, and I think that's probably 167 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,080 Speaker 1: where we might be falling a little bit short with 168 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:55,080 Speaker 1: our kids. The acknowledgment is, yeah, you're feeling really sad 169 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:59,040 Speaker 1: right now, But how do we move through that? And 170 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:02,200 Speaker 1: I think that that might be is something that is 171 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:03,559 Speaker 1: worth while talking about. 172 00:09:03,679 --> 00:09:05,880 Speaker 2: Well, there's a second theme that came out of this 173 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,320 Speaker 2: McAllister College research with Annie Pezzlla, and I think that 174 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:14,000 Speaker 2: it's really worth highlighting. She pretty much said, parents are identifying, 175 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,600 Speaker 2: they are just hanging in there like they are hanging 176 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:19,640 Speaker 2: on for dear life. This was a recurrent theme, this 177 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:23,760 Speaker 2: gentle parenting elevating my children's emotions. I'm going to use 178 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,040 Speaker 2: the word indulging, although those who are subscribers to the 179 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,200 Speaker 2: gentle parenting philosophy would hate me for doing that. But 180 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:31,960 Speaker 2: this idea of indulging our children's emotional needs to the 181 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:35,680 Speaker 2: point that everything else stops. My needs, the rest of 182 00:09:35,679 --> 00:09:37,600 Speaker 2: the families needs, everything stops so that I can indulge 183 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:41,400 Speaker 2: my child's needs. That aspect of gentle parenting is exhausting 184 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:45,720 Speaker 2: mums and dads, and it's making them feel like they 185 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:48,440 Speaker 2: are not competent. It's making them feel like they just 186 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:51,360 Speaker 2: can't do this. They're allowsy at it, they know and 187 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,120 Speaker 2: I promise you this, no matter how much you focus 188 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:56,760 Speaker 2: on your kids feelings, there's always going to be another feeling. 189 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,880 Speaker 1: I was about to say that, And there's no structure 190 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:04,000 Speaker 1: rhyme to emotions, so there's no do this, do this, 191 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,960 Speaker 1: do this, and everything's going to work out. Like emotions 192 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:11,040 Speaker 1: are fluid, they're changing all the time. Everybody feels them differently, 193 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,800 Speaker 1: and so as a parent who's trying to work it 194 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:17,080 Speaker 1: out from one child to the next, let alone their 195 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:20,800 Speaker 1: own emotions, it's a really, really intense But the thing 196 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,640 Speaker 1: that stands out to me the most is this idea 197 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:28,680 Speaker 1: of gentle parenting being a wave being. It's a mindset 198 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:33,720 Speaker 1: and the idea that emotions are important. So having a 199 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:35,680 Speaker 1: conversation with our kids and telling them that it's not 200 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:39,120 Speaker 1: okay to be angry that is not helpful either because 201 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:43,480 Speaker 1: they are angry, right, But why does it have to 202 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:47,600 Speaker 1: be all or nothing? I actually loved watching Parental Guidance 203 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:50,920 Speaker 1: with our kids. When we sat down with them, I 204 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,680 Speaker 1: thought I'd just check in with them and see and 205 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,120 Speaker 1: I said, what parenting style do you think we are? 206 00:10:56,240 --> 00:11:00,400 Speaker 1: And every single child in the room could listen about 207 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:02,760 Speaker 1: three or four different styles that they thought we might 208 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:05,480 Speaker 1: be because they're like, oh, you're a little bit free range, 209 00:11:05,559 --> 00:11:08,160 Speaker 1: and you're a little bit gentle and I really love 210 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:11,079 Speaker 1: the attachment because you're really good like that. But they 211 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,800 Speaker 1: actually couldn't pinpoint it. 212 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:16,679 Speaker 2: They haven't read my book need Supportive Parenting Ortonomy Supportive Parenting. 213 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,680 Speaker 1: Well you didn't have that depicted, did you. 214 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,200 Speaker 2: Oh? Ok, yeah, that family wasn't. 215 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,800 Speaker 1: As we're having this discussion and I'm thinking about gentle 216 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,040 Speaker 1: parenting and I'm thinking about the conversations that we've had 217 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,320 Speaker 1: with our kids, the thing that stands out to me 218 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:30,680 Speaker 1: the most is why does it have to be all 219 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,960 Speaker 1: or nothing? Why can I not be a gentle person 220 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:38,920 Speaker 1: who strives to treat my children with respect while providing 221 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:42,440 Speaker 1: them with the boundaries and the structures that they desperately need. 222 00:11:42,559 --> 00:11:43,920 Speaker 2: It sounds like you've been talking to me. 223 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,080 Speaker 1: Our kids need us to be the big people in 224 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,760 Speaker 1: the room. They need us to be the adults. They 225 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,640 Speaker 1: need us to be able to take control of this 226 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,839 Speaker 1: situation for them to feel safe and secure, but they 227 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,400 Speaker 1: also need us to do it with heart. 228 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:58,240 Speaker 2: You just reminded me of something. The pendulum swung. So 229 00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:00,720 Speaker 2: when I first started doing this, maybe ten fifteen years ago, 230 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:03,120 Speaker 2: probably fifteen years ago now, when I first started running 231 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:06,000 Speaker 2: these parenting workshops, there was still a lot of smacking. 232 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,600 Speaker 2: There were still a lot of parents that were pretty full on, 233 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:11,920 Speaker 2: pretty intense, pretty authoritarian. In twenty twenty four, the pendulum 234 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:14,600 Speaker 2: has swung right to the other end, and the kids, 235 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:19,680 Speaker 2: in so many ways really are being elevated, their emotions, 236 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:22,199 Speaker 2: their experience. It's all about the kids now. And when 237 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:24,640 Speaker 2: I run those sessions, I ask parents what the most 238 00:12:24,679 --> 00:12:28,640 Speaker 2: common parenting responses are to challenging behaviors instead of yelling 239 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,600 Speaker 2: and smacking and time out and all those kinds of things. 240 00:12:30,679 --> 00:12:33,199 Speaker 2: What I'm hearing more than anything gentle responses. I want 241 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,720 Speaker 2: to sit with my child, I want to understand them, 242 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:37,320 Speaker 2: I want to validate them. Like, the pendulum has swung 243 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:42,000 Speaker 2: so far to the other side of the divide, and 244 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:43,720 Speaker 2: we really do need to bring it back a little bit. 245 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,760 Speaker 2: I don't think that what I've been teaching has shifted 246 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:48,920 Speaker 2: very much, if at all. Rather, parenting has gone from 247 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:51,480 Speaker 2: one end to the other end, and I keep on 248 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,040 Speaker 2: trying to just bring it back to the middle a 249 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:57,120 Speaker 2: little bit. Basically, as you said, Kylie, be nice, be present, 250 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:03,520 Speaker 2: set boundaries, and then move forward. Kids need us to 251 00:13:03,559 --> 00:13:06,240 Speaker 2: be that prefrontal cortex. They need us to be competent 252 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:08,560 Speaker 2: They need us to be in control, but they need 253 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:11,600 Speaker 2: us to do it kindly and with empathy. And if 254 00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:13,080 Speaker 2: we can do that, we don't need to worry about 255 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:16,800 Speaker 2: all the labels. We just become need supportive parents, which 256 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:19,120 Speaker 2: is what I've written about in The Parenting Revolution, and 257 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:23,000 Speaker 2: we don't have the same levels of exhaustion. It's not 258 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,920 Speaker 2: as emotionally draining. We don't have to get all caught 259 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:26,880 Speaker 2: up in the kids emotions. 260 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,599 Speaker 1: Well, I'm just putting it out there. I'm still a 261 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:29,520 Speaker 1: little bit exhausted. 262 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:36,040 Speaker 2: Okay, fair enough, parenting is exhausting. The Happy Families podcast 263 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:38,440 Speaker 2: is produced by Justin Rowland for Bridge Media. Craig Bruce 264 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:42,040 Speaker 2: is our executive producer. If you'd like more information about 265 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:45,559 Speaker 2: making your family happier and getting your parenting style on song, 266 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,000 Speaker 2: check out Happy Families dot com, dot you, or pick 267 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,240 Speaker 2: up a copy of my book, The Parenting Revolution.