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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.

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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just

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Speaker 2: once answers, Now.

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Speaker 3: I'll do bet it' tomorrow.

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Speaker 1: That's what we're doing today on the Happy Families Podcast. Hello,

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Speaker 1: I'm doctor justin Coursla.

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Speaker 3: I'm here with my wife Mum to our six kids. Missus.

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Speaker 1: Happy Families, Kylie, Kylie. We've got heaps to talk about today.

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Speaker 3: It's just well.

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Speaker 1: School holidays in Queensland finished two weeks ago, ahead of

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Speaker 1: the pack. Queensland is very rarely ahead of the pack.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if I should say that out loud

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Speaker 1: or not, but Queensland usually lags a little bit when

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Speaker 1: it comes to most things in Australia.

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Speaker 3: Although, although with.

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Speaker 1: An upcoming election in Queensland and house prices surging to

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Speaker 1: the second most expensive in the country, I think Queensland

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Speaker 1: is becoming the new second best state in the nation,

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Speaker 1: right behind New South Wales. Maybe it's just the second

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Speaker 1: most expensive.

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Speaker 3: I don't know if that. I don't know if that's

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Speaker 3: good or bad.

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Speaker 1: No, I don't need to anyway, how do I get there?

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Speaker 1: Let's go back to the topic older bit tomorrow. This

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Speaker 1: is where we look at the week or weeks in

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Speaker 1: our case just now that have been and talk about

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Speaker 1: what we're doing right, what we're doing wrong, and help

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Speaker 1: can with better parents.

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Speaker 3: Kylie, do you want to go first on me?

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Speaker 2: We'll go over the last term or so. We've talked

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Speaker 2: a lot on the podcast about family meetings and getting

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Speaker 2: things right, yes, and we've also shared alongside that the

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Speaker 2: importance of checking and with each of your children individually

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Speaker 2: and as a husband and wife team. And I had

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Speaker 2: an experience just recently which really highlighted just how important

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Speaker 2: it is to tap in with your kids.

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Speaker 3: Okay, I'm intrigued with.

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Speaker 2: You traveling as much as you have over the last

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Speaker 2: handful of months. I feel like I have been treading

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Speaker 2: water at best, and not doing a great job at it.

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Speaker 2: I feel more exhausted and more stretched than I have

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Speaker 2: in a very, very long time, and as a result,

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Speaker 2: I've missed a lot of cues when it comes to

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Speaker 2: the kids, and I've actually been really grateful that for

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Speaker 2: the most part, they've kind of been parenting themselves.

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Speaker 1: I don't like where this is going carry on, but.

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Speaker 2: I decided to check in with one of our kids

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Speaker 2: because she just didn't have a skip it as a

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Speaker 2: step in the way she usually does. And as we

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Speaker 2: got talking, same three questions that we go through with

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Speaker 2: our family meetings, what's going well in your life right now?

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Speaker 2: What's not? And how can you do better? Or how

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Speaker 2: can we better?

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Speaker 1: What's going on?

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Speaker 2: And she talked about the things that were going well,

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Speaker 2: and there wasn't a huge list, but once we got

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Speaker 2: to the things that weren't going well, the thing that

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Speaker 2: she said to me was she just felt like she

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Speaker 2: kind of got missed a little bit because she's not

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Speaker 2: a demanding child. She just kind of got left to

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Speaker 2: her own devices, and it really felt like a little

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Speaker 2: bit of an uppercut for me as a mum who

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Speaker 2: is trying really really hard to be available to her kids.

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Speaker 2: But recognizing with my own limitations that I have actually

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Speaker 2: been grateful that she's just been getting on with life

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Speaker 2: and doing her own thing. And at that point she

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Speaker 2: didn't actually have anything that she really needed to chat

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Speaker 2: to me about, but I was so grateful for the

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Speaker 2: reminder that I just need to check in. So fast

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Speaker 2: forward a couple of weeks last week, I found her

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Speaker 2: it just really snappy, and I thought I need to

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Speaker 2: check in, So I tapped in with her and I

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Speaker 2: asked her what was going on, and she didn't want

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Speaker 2: to say anything. She didn't want to talk to me.

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Speaker 2: And maybe about fifteen twenty minutes later, you tapped in,

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Speaker 2: tried to see if you could make some progress there,

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Speaker 2: and she still didn't want to say anything. And then

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Speaker 2: I sat down for dinner. Everybody else had kind of

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Speaker 2: gone to their corners of the house and things had

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Speaker 2: quietened down, and she just sat there and I looked

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Speaker 2: at her and I said, I feel like you want

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Speaker 2: to talk to me, And it all just came out.

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Speaker 2: Weeks and weeks and weeks of angst things that she's

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Speaker 2: just been holding on to, just hasn't been able to

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Speaker 2: kind of find the right words or find the right

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Speaker 2: time to be able to have a chat with me about.

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Speaker 2: And I just, of all the things that I could

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Speaker 2: have been doing at that time, that was probably not

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Speaker 2: the thing that I wanted to be doing. It was

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Speaker 2: nearly nine o'clock at night. I was exhausted.

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Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure the owners that you wanted to be

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Speaker 1: doing was sleeping right then now.

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Speaker 2: But I was so grateful that I had tapped in

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Speaker 2: with her a few weeks ago, and she had just

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Speaker 2: reminded me of just how important it is as a

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Speaker 2: parent to be available.

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Speaker 1: So this reminds me of two or three quick stories,

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Speaker 1: and I know that I'll do better tomorrow is about

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Speaker 1: our parenting, But it just strikes me so profoundly as

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Speaker 1: you talk about this. Number one friend mentor wonderful man

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Speaker 1: Professor H. Wallace Goddard, who is a family life specialist

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Speaker 1: in the United States. He talks regularly about how sometimes

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Speaker 1: we ask the kids how they're doing, and we don't

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Speaker 1: need to ask at all.

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Speaker 3: All you have to do is look at them and

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Speaker 3: they're telling you already.

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Speaker 1: Look at their face, look at their shoulders, look at

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Speaker 1: the way they're moving their bodies, or the energy that

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Speaker 1: they're exuding.

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Speaker 3: Or not putting out at all.

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Speaker 1: There's a pretty good signal right there as to how

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Speaker 1: they're doing. Second thing, just the power of emotional availability,

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Speaker 1: recognizing what you recognized, pausing and saying is now a

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Speaker 1: good time to chat? Is there anything you want to

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Speaker 1: let me know about? That simple act and being willing

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Speaker 1: to sit there and go through it is so profoundly important.

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Speaker 1: And the third thing that jumped into my mind was

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Speaker 1: a story from somebody that attended one of my very.

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Speaker 3: First ever workshops.

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Speaker 1: I'm talking twenty years ago. When I very first beget.

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Speaker 1: I didn't have any qualifications, but I knew that I

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Speaker 1: was heading in this direction. And so I started running

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Speaker 1: these this series of workshops about parenting. And there was

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Speaker 1: a mum who showed up on the second week. The

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Speaker 1: previous week's assignment had been to be emotionally available to

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Speaker 1: your kids. So she's out mowing the lawn the next day,

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Speaker 1: hot Queensland day, dust everywhere, and her seven year old

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Speaker 1: daughter wants to talk to her, and she doesn't want

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Speaker 1: to stop the law more because well she's mowing and

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Speaker 1: it's hot and it's dusty, and the seven year old

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Speaker 1: can wait. But she remembers the promise that she made

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Speaker 1: in the workshop the night before to be emotionally available

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Speaker 1: to the kids, and so she turns off the mud

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Speaker 1: and says to her daughter, what do you want?

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Speaker 3: And her daughter here.

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Speaker 1: Is in the tone this frustration and says, doesn't matter.

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Speaker 1: My mom says, no, no, no, no, it does matter.

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Speaker 3: It does matter.

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Speaker 1: I want to be available. So they go and sit

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Speaker 1: on a rock and she says, tell me, what is

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Speaker 1: it that you wanted to ask? And this little seven

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Speaker 1: year old looks at her mom and says, Mommy, I

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Speaker 1: just feel like I don't fit in our family. And

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Speaker 1: I love this story because it highlights again the willingness

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Speaker 1: that we It's so inconvenient. There's no other way to

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Speaker 1: say it. Parenting is inconvenient. It's annoying. As parents, we

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Speaker 1: sacrifice so much, and yet you have that moment where

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Speaker 1: you sit down with your little one and they do

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Speaker 1: open up and they do share because they're ready and

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Speaker 1: because you were available, And I mean, I haven't asked

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Speaker 1: for the end yet, but hopefully you get a good outcome.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 1: There's that closeness, there's that connection, there's progress as a result.

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Speaker 2: It would be very easy for me to sit there

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Speaker 2: and actually kind of beerate myself for having missed so

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Speaker 2: many signals from the last couple of months while you've

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Speaker 2: been gone. But I also recognize the immense pressure that

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Speaker 2: I was under, and I'm going to be kind to

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Speaker 2: myself and just acknowledge that I can't be everywhere and

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Speaker 2: be everything to everyone and every moment. But I'm really

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Speaker 2: really grateful for the constant reminders that we have as

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Speaker 2: we check in with each other of the importance of

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Speaker 2: being able to spend that one or one time, this

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Speaker 2: particular child, she actually will not come out and say

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Speaker 2: she needs to talk to you, but she'll hover. And

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Speaker 2: I'm seeing that more and more as she gets older,

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Speaker 2: that she just she kind of just she's there, and

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Speaker 2: if you are not attentive, it's just like an annoying

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Speaker 2: fly on the wall kind of feeling. Do you know

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Speaker 2: what I mean? They're there, they're not doing anything, they're

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Speaker 2: not requesting anything of you, but they're just they're just there.

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Speaker 2: They're in your space. But as I have been able

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Speaker 2: to spend that time with her, check in with her,

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Speaker 2: ask her what's going well, what's not going well, she's

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Speaker 2: really been able to just articulate for me that what

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Speaker 2: she needs is to feel seen, and that means that

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Speaker 2: when she's in my space, she actually wants me. Our

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Speaker 2: kids warned us in their space. It doesn't matter how

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Speaker 2: old they are, they want us in their space.

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Speaker 3: This is why I'll still call our parents.

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Speaker 2: It's like yeah, And sometimes they don't know how to

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Speaker 2: ask for it because what they see is we're too busy,

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Speaker 2: so they don't want to be a burden, they don't

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Speaker 2: want to get in our space, and yet they're in

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Speaker 2: our space. So I was really grateful for and I'm

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Speaker 2: going to take it as a win because, in spite

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Speaker 2: of my lack of availability for her in the past

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Speaker 2: few months, we've been able to tap in and really

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Speaker 2: connect on such a beautiful note and being able to

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Speaker 2: kind of help her work through some challenges.

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Speaker 3: So many great take home messages. They're my favorite one.

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Speaker 1: Being kind to yourself and not getting it right all

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Speaker 1: the time.

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Speaker 3: I just think that's so important.

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Speaker 2: What's your story today?

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Speaker 3: You know me, I don't have one. I have several.

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Speaker 3: First off, you.

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Speaker 2: Know that you added a few stories to my life.

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Speaker 3: But I just love what I do. I love to

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Speaker 3: get to talk about this stuff. There's so much that

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Speaker 3: we need to highlight. Three things.

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Speaker 1: First of all, the Americanization of our children is complete.

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Speaker 1: Just wanted to highlight that thanks to Instagram and TikTok

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Speaker 1: and snapchat and everything else that.

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Speaker 3: The world now has.

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Speaker 1: The other day, we were goofing off in the living

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Speaker 1: room and Lily, our fourteen year old, said, oh, no,

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Speaker 1: call nine one one. It wasn't called triple ow, it

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Speaker 1: was called nine one one. Now, I wasn't a real emergency.

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Speaker 1: We didn't need to call anyone, But that was the joke,

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Speaker 1: but she and she meant it seriously. And when I

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Speaker 1: looked at her and said nine one one, and she said, yeah,

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Speaker 1: we need the ambulance and I said that's not who

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Speaker 1: we call, and she looked at me strangely for three

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Speaker 1: or four seconds, and then there's that, you know, the

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Speaker 1: literal light bulb goes on in the eyes, and like, oh.

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Speaker 3: Triple zero.

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Speaker 1: I forgot. So that was just I mean, it's not

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Speaker 1: really an older but it tomorrow more of just what

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Speaker 1: in the world is going on with our kids when

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Speaker 1: they really I wonder how many Australians really do call

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Speaker 1: nine one one. It got me thinking I might google

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Speaker 1: that letter and find out what I can. I had

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Speaker 1: a conversation with our daughter who's en Canada at the

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Speaker 1: moment twenty one years twenty one, Yeah, she's twenty one

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Speaker 1: or about to be twenty one, and we were talking

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Speaker 1: about the loss of my grandpa. He passed away, as

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Speaker 1: we mentioned on the podcast a couple of months ago,

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Speaker 1: and she was really serious about it and just said, Daddy,

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Speaker 1: I don't ever want you to die, and it was

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Speaker 1: really heartfelt. And then she said this, and I wrote

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Speaker 1: it down because it touched me so profoundly almost I

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Speaker 1: almost burst into tears talking to her. She said, when

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Speaker 1: you died, Daddy, I'm getting in the grave and holding

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Speaker 1: your hand forever.

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Speaker 3: How do you respond to that.

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Speaker 1: I'm just I get weepy just thinking about it. So

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Speaker 1: that was again, probably not so much, and I'd do

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Speaker 1: about it tomorrow. But I guess when we build that

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Speaker 1: relationship over the years, that's what we that's what we're

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Speaker 1: aiming for, right I was like, please, don't get into

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Speaker 1: the grave. You need to let go up my hand.

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Speaker 1: It's going to be kind of gross after a couple

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Speaker 1: of days of being dead. Anyway, the butt it tomorrow

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Speaker 1: that I wanted to share it was a really simple one,

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Speaker 1: and that is that during the holidays, we've had a

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Speaker 1: recurring theme on this podcast, and that is that we

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Speaker 1: don't do a lot of these particularly well. We have

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Speaker 1: had some really good family getaways, but quite often you

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Speaker 1: leave the comfort of your home and the space of

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Speaker 1: your home and go somewhere else and you go into

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Speaker 1: a tent or a cabin or a hotel room. So

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Speaker 1: you've got about one tenth of the space you normally have.

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Speaker 1: You don't have any of the usual things that make

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Speaker 1: life comfortable that you have accumulated at home and then

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Speaker 1: you try to live and have an awesome time. We

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Speaker 1: had Coughs Harbor family holiday and we gave up halfway through.

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Speaker 2: Well not only that when the kids started, because why

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Speaker 2: did we come to Coffs Harbor. The last three holidays

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Speaker 2: and coughs have been terrible. The first time we got

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Speaker 2: absolutely rained out. The second one you broke you back

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Speaker 2: and we got rained out again.

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Speaker 1: This time got rained out. So we were wrapped up

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Speaker 1: the holiday two days early. And you had planned and

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Speaker 1: she had down south to Wollongong, to a place that

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Speaker 1: we loved. We lived there for a decade. I came

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Speaker 1: home with Annie, so you had five days I think

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Speaker 1: down south with the other kids while I was at

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Speaker 1: home with Annie, our seventeen year old. And on the

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Speaker 1: way home we were talking about stuff, and for some reason,

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Speaker 1: the Hunchback of Notre Dame came up, the Disney movie

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Speaker 1: and she said, can we watch it? So we watched it,

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Speaker 1: and then the next night we watched The Emperor's New Group,

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Speaker 1: and then the next night we watched Wreck at Ralph.

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Speaker 3: I just had a boy, what's going on?

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Speaker 2: You won't watch movies with us? When we have family night.

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Speaker 1: I hate watching movies, but for whatever reason, do you

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Speaker 1: know what it was? I had nothing else to do, Like,

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Speaker 1: there was just me and Annie. Life was so quiet,

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Speaker 1: it was so cool.

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Speaker 3: It was amazing. Anyway.

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Speaker 1: I just loved hanging out with our seventeen year old

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Speaker 1: daughter and watching some fun movies and cooking meals together

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Speaker 1: and cleaning the kitchen together and having a really quite quiet,

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Speaker 1: easy time. That one on one time is just precious.

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Speaker 1: Didn't do anything hardcore, didn't have any profound conversations or

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Speaker 1: anything like that. It was just time together watching some

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Speaker 1: of my favorite Disney cartoons.

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Speaker 2: And I think that that is the big lesson here.

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Speaker 2: Will you think that our kids need a big, flashy

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Speaker 2: holidays and you know, kind of adventure seeking activities.

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Speaker 1: Take them nowhere. Just watch them Disney and you'd be right.

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Speaker 1: Is that what you're saying?

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Speaker 2: No, they just warnt us.

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Speaker 3: Yeah they do.

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Speaker 2: They actually just want us.

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Speaker 1: I've done this too many times, but I'm going to

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Speaker 1: do it one more time. We had some friends many

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Speaker 1: years ago who took their kids on a big trip

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Speaker 1: to the United States. They were gone for five or

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Speaker 1: six weeks, came home and the city in which they lived.

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Speaker 1: There was one of those free buses where you jump

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Speaker 1: on the bus and go around the city, and there

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Speaker 1: was a day before school, and so the dad decided

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Speaker 1: to take the kids on the bus so mum could unpack,

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Speaker 1: get the house in order, and just have the kids

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Speaker 1: out from under her feet and have some breathing room.

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Speaker 3: She was happy to do it.

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Speaker 1: They were happy with that division of labor. Next day,

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Speaker 1: they're heading into the school yard. The teacher says, how's

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Speaker 1: your big trip, because the teacher knew that they'd gone

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Speaker 1: away for that long because they missed extra school. And

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Speaker 1: the kids said it was amazing. And the teacher said,

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Speaker 1: what was the favorite part of the holidays? And the

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Speaker 1: kids said, yesterday, I'm the.

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Speaker 3: Freebus with dad.

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Speaker 1: It's like, what did I spend the forty grand for

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Speaker 1: fifty grand?

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Speaker 3: Whatever it was.

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Speaker 1: Anyway, we really hope that you've gotten some good value

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Speaker 1: out of these ideas, these stories, and these take home messages.

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Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast returns on Monday. Thank you so

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Speaker 1: much for listening, have a wonderful, wonderful weekend. We appreciate

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Speaker 1: Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. He produces the podcast, and

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Speaker 1: if you'd like more information, about making your family happier.

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Speaker 1: You'll find it all at happy families dot com, dot

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Speaker 1: a