Speaker 1: Ordinarily Speaking. Most people can have one or two drinks
Speaker 1: on a night out, whereas I was pissing my life
Speaker 1: and career up the wall. Soon time.
Speaker 2: Hello and welcome to Ordinarily Speaking, a sports podcast that
Speaker 2: celebrates resilience and gets to know the human side of
Speaker 2: the athletes you've come to know and love from Afar.
Speaker 2: My name is Narrowly Meadows and my guest today is
Speaker 2: a blowco I'm lucky enough to call a friend. Peter
Speaker 2: Siddle is a former Test cricketer. He played sixty seven
Speaker 2: Tests for Australia, taking two hundred and twenty one wickets.
Speaker 2: He's decided to give the international side of things away,
Speaker 2: but continues his domestic career. Lots of people will know
Speaker 2: him as the vegan, non drinking fast bowler from Victoria,
Speaker 2: a man known as the ultimate team man. But what
Speaker 2: lots of people may not know is the reason he
Speaker 2: gave up drinking. He had a serious problem, and in
Speaker 2: this episode he talks about it for the first time.
Speaker 2: I hope you enjoyed the chat again well, SiZ, thanks
Speaker 2: very much for joining me.
Speaker 1: Not problem at all, looking forward to it.
Speaker 2: I moved to Melbourne about eight years ago and you
Speaker 2: and I would have met over the years before that,
Speaker 2: because your test career had already started and you were
Speaker 2: well and truly getting into it. But on this particular occasion,
Speaker 2: I remember it was late.
Speaker 1: At night and or early morning.
Speaker 2: Or early morning, one of the two, and I was
Speaker 2: in a cab and I went to get out of
Speaker 2: the cab and suddenly this bloke appeared at the window
Speaker 2: and just started on the cab door and and basically
Speaker 2: acting like a bit of a lunatic. And I suddenly went,
Speaker 2: hang on, that's that's Peter Siddle. He plays test cricket
Speaker 2: for Australia. And I thought, he's really shouldn't be behaving
Speaker 2: like that in public. And I was, you know, a journalist.
Speaker 2: Luckily I wasn't a journalist that was going to take
Speaker 2: out my phone and start recording you. But you would
Speaker 2: have no recollection of that night. But it's not the
Speaker 2: person that everyone knows. Now what sort of headspace were
Speaker 2: you in back then?
Speaker 1: Pretty pretty free and pretty just not a worry in
Speaker 1: the world, I think, which sounds likely to be fun
Speaker 1: and and and and that I'm in a good and
Speaker 1: a good place and going well. But I think at
Speaker 1: the time I didn't probably feel it and see it,
Speaker 1: but it probably wasn't until laid down the track that
Speaker 1: when I look back, I realized that, yeah, I wasn't
Speaker 1: in a great place and I was pretty much, yeah,
Speaker 1: borderline probably you could say alcoholic in a way. Yes
Speaker 1: it was only a binge drinker. But the amount I
Speaker 1: was probably binge drinking on the on those times was
Speaker 1: very excessive. And I think the worrying thing that everyone goes, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: but that's what you know, that's what people do, and
Speaker 1: that's what everyone, every young person does on weekends, and
Speaker 1: that's fine. But I think the bigger picture was that
Speaker 1: I'd have these blackouts, and the blackouts wouldn't pass me
Speaker 1: out or you know, stop me from doing things, and
Speaker 1: it just just meant that I wouldn't remember things, which
Speaker 1: is yeah, like I said, at the time, you don't
Speaker 1: really worry about it too much, but now they'll look
Speaker 1: back on it that it's pretty scary really, and just
Speaker 1: to think that, yeah, the situations I probably put myself
Speaker 1: in at times could have been a lot worse for me.
Speaker 1: Like you said that, yeah, you would journo and you
Speaker 1: could have quite easily even just something small in the
Speaker 1: paper or in the news about me. But yeah, obviously
Speaker 1: you didn't and thankfully for that.
Speaker 2: But it's you didn't do anything too bad for an affair.
Speaker 1: Statement, correct. And that's what I think worries me the
Speaker 1: most is over the years when I was probably at
Speaker 1: my worst with the alcohol and going through these blackouts,
Speaker 1: people go, yes, I've had them, and oh, yeah, I've
Speaker 1: had him a handful of times. That's what people say.
Speaker 1: You know, gone out two hundred times and only had
Speaker 1: them five times. It's that's pretty good. Whereas I'm the opposite.
Speaker 1: I go out two hundred times, and maybe one hundred
Speaker 1: and seventy of those times, I wouldn't remember a certain
Speaker 1: amount of hours in the night, and it might sometimes
Speaker 1: it might be one hour, two hours. Other nights it
Speaker 1: could be a whole five to six seven hours that
Speaker 1: you have no recollect I have no recollection of. And
Speaker 1: I think like talking to people, I think, when I
Speaker 1: met Anna, is your wife now? And wife now? And
Speaker 1: then just talking to her about nights out, like we
Speaker 1: we'd go out together and then we come home and
Speaker 1: I'd miss I'd miss hours and chat to her about
Speaker 1: it and she'd go, oh you like you'll find like, yeah,
Speaker 1: you're drunk. And you were and you weren't in a
Speaker 1: good way. But like, I'd still have conversations with people,
Speaker 1: I'd still be dancing, having fun, but personally, in the
Speaker 1: next day, I wouldn't have remembered X amount of hours.
Speaker 2: So how much would you drink in a night?
Speaker 1: Oh, ridiculous amounts? I think, you know, like I was,
Speaker 1: Probably I was in a good place. I was playing
Speaker 1: test cricket, so I'd get looked after it a lot
Speaker 1: of places, which you know, it's a great thing. You know,
Speaker 1: You've got a lot of friends in high places, and
Speaker 1: obviously they spoil you. I had a lot of mates that, yeah,
Speaker 1: ran and owned clubs and and I think, yeah, you
Speaker 1: just sort of lose track of what you're doing. I'd
Speaker 1: be I'd be going up, I'd be goldering drinks. I'd
Speaker 1: be having shots at the bar while I was waiting
Speaker 1: for my drink to get get finished. Yes, it could
Speaker 1: be an excess of you know, people probably laughing. You're
Speaker 1: probably talking twenty five thirty drinks, could be more, depending
Speaker 1: on you know, like that, how long the day's been,
Speaker 1: how long the night's been, how much money and how
Speaker 1: many days it's been. Ridiculous amounts? I think I'm probably
Speaker 1: lucky I didn't gamble, because gambling with the amount I
Speaker 1: was drinking probably could have been Yeah, it could have
Speaker 1: been a huge danger. So thankfully for that. But I
Speaker 1: look back on it now and I think when we
Speaker 1: talk about it, I sort of break it down to
Speaker 1: I was saying I was spending a thousand, on average,
Speaker 1: one thousand dollars a week just on whether it was
Speaker 1: food drink, like going out food drinks.
Speaker 2: How long has it been since you've had a drink.
Speaker 1: We're in February and we're coming up to May. So
Speaker 1: May fifteen, twenty twelve, it was the last time I
Speaker 1: touch the drop of alcohol, so coming up eight years, which, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's pretty exciting really that. Yeah, to be sober that long,
Speaker 1: not sort of you know, like I don't even think
Speaker 1: about drink. And that's the big thing I think. You know,
Speaker 1: a lot of people, yeah obviously try and do it
Speaker 1: and say how hard it is, But I guess it's
Speaker 1: just about you just got to wake up sometimes and
Speaker 1: you know, look look at try and make life better.
Speaker 1: And I think when you're going through the times I
Speaker 1: was having, I was probably thinking I was having a
Speaker 1: lot of fun. I'm not going to lie. At the time,
Speaker 1: I was having a lot of fun, meeting a lot
Speaker 1: of people. But I think, yeah, it's now that I
Speaker 1: look back on it that scares me the most about
Speaker 1: what I was doing. I think, you know, just the
Speaker 1: position I was put myself in and just the things
Speaker 1: that could have happened.
Speaker 2: You use the word alcoholic before. Are you serious about
Speaker 2: the use of that word.
Speaker 1: I think so because I think I think if I
Speaker 1: just said I was a binge drinker, that it probably
Speaker 1: makes it sound better, and you know, it makes it
Speaker 1: look better for everyone else, and people probably you know,
Speaker 1: people probably listen to it and go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: drinks on the weekend, you know, but yeah, sometimes weekends
Speaker 1: might have been you know, three, four, sometime five days
Speaker 1: in a row. That's like, it's not I wouldn't sit
Speaker 1: at home, like at dinner and have a drink. I
Speaker 1: didn't actually like, as weird as this probably sounds, I
Speaker 1: didn't actually like alcohol. I just liked the fact to
Speaker 1: get get drunk have fun.
Speaker 2: You're trying to mask something. Because to drink to that
Speaker 2: extent or any sort of vice, whether it's gambling to
Speaker 2: that extent, most people were trying to to self medicate.
Speaker 1: I don't think so. I think I think I was
Speaker 1: just trying to I was probably a little bit the opposite.
Speaker 1: I've never been. I've been in a pretty good place,
Speaker 1: I think most of the time mentally obviously, Yeah, I
Speaker 1: travel a lot. There's not a lot of time at
Speaker 1: home and around friends and family, so you could think
Speaker 1: that it possibly could have been to something, but I
Speaker 1: think it was just more of the other way that
Speaker 1: I was probably trying to be, you.
Speaker 2: Know, embrace the lifetime.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and the biggest celebrity you know. Just yeah,
Speaker 1: I was just trying to make the most of probably
Speaker 1: where I was in the yeah, I don't know, in
Speaker 1: the celebrity status at the time. You know, I was
Speaker 1: playing test cricket for Australia, I was doing really well,
Speaker 1: I was earning good money. I was probably just trying
Speaker 1: to live it up too much.
Speaker 2: So when you'd black out, what's the worst thing that
Speaker 2: somebody told you you did the next day?
Speaker 1: There's a few that, yeah, sort of come to mind,
Speaker 1: and I think, Yeah, the first thing before I get
Speaker 1: to that is, yeah, I'd wake up and it was
Speaker 1: literally like my pants, pocket, phone, wallet, that's what I
Speaker 1: look for. Then you get the phone, and you'd go
Speaker 1: through like messages or phone calls or yeah, who you
Speaker 1: spoke to, trying it a rough idea when you got home,
Speaker 1: how long you've been home? Got no idea.
Speaker 2: Whether you're home?
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was probably that was probably water this set
Speaker 1: the first time was yeah to actually, yeah, to see
Speaker 1: where I am. But yeah, then your phone wallet, so
Speaker 1: you messaged hopefully you haven't done anything, but yeah, I think.
Speaker 2: But there are occasions that you did.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think you know, there's obviously Yeah, I've
Speaker 1: done lot loads of things, whether it's you know, put
Speaker 1: myself in bad situations. I remember I drove one time.
Speaker 1: This sound great, but yeah, I'd parked. This is real
Speaker 1: early doors. I'd been out my cars at a mate's
Speaker 1: house down in down in mentone, and i'd been out
Speaker 1: at a buckstoo, been out all night. I thought would
Speaker 1: be a good idea to drive home. So I drove
Speaker 1: all the way from from there too. I was living
Speaker 1: in an apartment building in Parkville, So yeah, drove home.
Speaker 2: How long a drivers aren't it's.
Speaker 1: Probably fifty minutes. Fifty minutes across town and kill someone
Speaker 1: and yeah, like you don't think much of it. I
Speaker 1: think the probably only woke up people trying to call
Speaker 1: see how it was loads of miss calls and hadn't
Speaker 1: woken up in any of those. I woke up to
Speaker 1: my door opening, and at my apartment, there's only one
Speaker 1: way you could get in, like, you couldn't get to
Speaker 1: my level unless you had had a key, and there's
Speaker 1: only one person or two people that had that key,
Speaker 1: and that was my parents, and they lived an hour
Speaker 1: forty five away from the apartment, and in walk my dad.
Speaker 1: I stayed in bed. He just made sure I was okay,
Speaker 1: checked on me, went downstairs, checked my car. There's three
Speaker 1: levels underneath on the ground, parked in between a couple
Speaker 1: of pillars. There's nothing wrong with it, so that's obviously
Speaker 1: a safe thing because he's probably just thinking. He's not
Speaker 1: worried about my car. He's just worried about if there
Speaker 1: is something wrong with it, what have I hit? Who
Speaker 1: have I hit? And then he came back up, said
Speaker 1: my car was had a quick little chat to me
Speaker 1: for about ten minutes, and then me just been in
Speaker 1: that state and not thinking about how far he's driven
Speaker 1: to get there. So it's about two hours by now
Speaker 1: that he's been on the road and it is. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I just pretty much said, yeah, cheers, thanks, that all
Speaker 1: good and went back to sleep, and he pretty much
Speaker 1: just walked straight out, jumped in his car and drove home,
Speaker 1: and yeah, like stuff like that.
Speaker 2: You just he didn't know if you were alive. That
Speaker 2: is that being too dramatic to say that.
Speaker 1: No, they had no idea I could have been He
Speaker 1: didn't even know if I was there. That's the other thing.
Speaker 1: That's just the first place he went, and.
Speaker 2: He'd been contacted by your mates or whoever, because yeah.
Speaker 1: No one could get onto me. I driven the car. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so that was that was his obviously first point. That
Speaker 1: and lucky I was in bed, so that was fine.
Speaker 1: But just the fact that, yeah, I just sort of
Speaker 1: dismissed him. I'm not dismissed him, but just didn't think
Speaker 1: of the how much of effort he he'd made to
Speaker 1: get up there and make sure I was okay. So
Speaker 1: then yeah, just go back to sleep, him, jump in
Speaker 1: the car, drive home.
Speaker 2: How does it make you feel now when you think
Speaker 2: about it?
Speaker 1: Disgusting? Disgusting. I think just yeah, just I always just
Speaker 1: think back. It's just things that could have happened, you know,
Speaker 1: like I know other sportsmen, you know, like I had
Speaker 1: a mate that I spent a bit of time with,
Speaker 1: Danny Cipriani hasn't got a great rap, but he got
Speaker 1: hit on a celebration Mad Monday thing over in England
Speaker 1: after a rugby game, hit by a bus. He was
Speaker 1: in hospital for six weeks. Obviously he was fine after
Speaker 1: a bit of a knee and during that kind of
Speaker 1: thing I remember hearing about her. It was a South
Speaker 1: African bloke played in the Super fifteen's, had been out
Speaker 1: of a nightclub and he yeah, he passed away by
Speaker 1: leaving and leaving a nightclub and getting hit by a bus.
Speaker 1: They're the things that scare me the most, I think,
Speaker 1: just thinking back that my life, that I could have
Speaker 1: put myself in danger driving the car. Yeah, you never
Speaker 1: want to say silly things. But it's not the only
Speaker 1: time I did it. You know, I've probably done it
Speaker 1: three or four times, driving while sometimes knowing what I
Speaker 1: was doing, but pretty drunk and just yeah, thinking you're invincible,
Speaker 1: and other times and not doing silly things, but just
Speaker 1: the fact that yeah, the state you're in and doing
Speaker 1: it and yeah, and then just yeah, obviously get yeah.
Speaker 1: Stuff that's happened to other people bad things whilst they've
Speaker 1: been intoxicated, and just think back that, you know, they
Speaker 1: could have quite easily been me. Yeah, and just just
Speaker 1: that more and more there are other people that you're
Speaker 1: that you're affected along the way. I had no not yeah,
Speaker 1: probably remorse or like I just didn't have any sense
Speaker 1: awareness of what they like, how they felt, how they're feeling, or.
Speaker 2: What you're putting them through.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what I'm putting them through.
Speaker 2: Did you ever talk to your dad about that afterwards?
Speaker 1: Nah? I still I still haven't to this day talked
Speaker 1: about it. I think I think just because it makes
Speaker 1: me so sick. I was just selfish. That's probably what
Speaker 1: it comes down to it. The most is I did
Speaker 1: everything for myself, still looked after people on the way
Speaker 1: while I was doing it, But I was very selfish
Speaker 1: towards other people, how I treated people. I think that's
Speaker 1: because I haven't spoken a lot about it. I think
Speaker 1: that's where people, you know, when I went through all
Speaker 1: the changes and everything like that, they sort of just
Speaker 1: look back and go, oh, you're an idiot, what are
Speaker 1: you doing? But I didn't feel comfortable back then, you know,
Speaker 1: talk about the situations that i'd been in I'd put
Speaker 1: myself through to obviously get me to that position now
Speaker 1: where I'm happy to talk about it, especially to younger
Speaker 1: guys or my teammates more so because we're in a
Speaker 1: lucky place that yes, we earn pretty good money and
Speaker 1: we get to live a pretty good lifestyle, and we
Speaker 1: got looked after quite well when we go out and
Speaker 1: about and through different contacts and stuff like that. But
Speaker 1: I'll try and tell them as much as I can,
Speaker 1: because at the end of the day then they can
Speaker 1: make their own decision. If they stuff up, so be it.
Speaker 1: But least I've given them pure evidence of what it
Speaker 1: can do, how bad it can get. If it helps
Speaker 1: one player or stops one player not from drinking, but
Speaker 1: you know, just maybe drinking a bit smarter, then I
Speaker 1: feel I've achieved something.
Speaker 2: Tell me about the ashes and the night that you
Speaker 2: almost almost beat someone up. Is that a fair summary?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Pretty much, I think yes this. Yeah, it was
Speaker 1: early on my Test career two thousand and nine ashes
Speaker 1: and first Ashes trip, but only been playing six months.
Speaker 1: And yeah, we won a good Test match in Headingley
Speaker 1: and Brad Hadden and I am very close mates still
Speaker 1: to this day. One of my best mates and yeah
Speaker 1: we'll out and about with Michael Clark and yeah we'd
Speaker 1: had a long night and it was early hours of
Speaker 1: the morning. And yeah, obviously over in England there's always
Speaker 1: people hanging shit on you and you know, getting stuck
Speaker 1: in and bit of banter. And we've come out of this.
Speaker 1: I don't know, min It's just like a little food
Speaker 1: placed early hours in the morning, having some hot chips
Speaker 1: and the kabab, I think. And yeah, they kept mouthing
Speaker 1: off and Hads and I both pretty agro blokes at
Speaker 1: the best of times. Let alone with you know, our
Speaker 1: guts full of alcohol and not in a good place.
Speaker 1: And yeah, pretty much we proceeded to you know, walk
Speaker 1: towards him and approach him and have a go back,
Speaker 1: and yeah, sort of jumped forward a bit. It wasn't
Speaker 1: till the next morning when I woke going down to breakfast,
Speaker 1: you know, the pretty hungover, not thinking much about, not
Speaker 1: remembering much of the last night. On the first bloke
Speaker 1: I see, he's waiting down in the interception for me
Speaker 1: as the media manager, which is one of my good mates.
Speaker 1: So that's fine. He's like Seid's we've got a bit
Speaker 1: of a problem. I'm like, oh, I know, and he's like,
Speaker 1: I've got a video, and I'm like, oh no, what's
Speaker 1: going on here? Then he shows me the video thankfully Obviously,
Speaker 1: oh nine, videos and camera weren't quite as good as
Speaker 1: they are these days, so it's probably saved me to
Speaker 1: an extent. But Yeah, he'd been sent a video from
Speaker 1: one of the one of the papers over there. These
Speaker 1: guys had pretty much set us up in a way,
Speaker 1: probably thinking that we wouldn't react, and Yeah had videoed
Speaker 1: about fifteen seconds of me pretty much approaching them mouthing
Speaker 1: off back at him. There wasn't a lot of their
Speaker 1: mouthing off in the in the video, funnily enough, and
Speaker 1: Yeah pretty much proceeded to get grab a bloke and
Speaker 1: had him by the throat up against the wall, and
Speaker 1: then it cuts out. So I woke up in a
Speaker 1: good place, as in, there was nothing wrong with me,
Speaker 1: so obviously it didn't. Nothing must have eventuated after that,
Speaker 1: but you don't remember. I don't remember a thing. Literally,
Speaker 1: Yeah woke up. Yeah. Then at the first I had
Speaker 1: actually heard about it, even though I committed it was
Speaker 1: Yeah off the media manager from the video he'd sent.
Speaker 1: And then Yeah, thankfully that there probably wasn't clear enough
Speaker 1: and they didn't run it, so nothing ever came of it.
Speaker 2: So they couldn't prove it was you though you knew.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you could pretty much tell that, you know,
Speaker 1: the rough, rough picture of the clothes that I was
Speaker 1: willing and and the voice and stuff like that you
Speaker 1: could sort of tail, but probably not enough just to
Speaker 1: throw it out there.
Speaker 2: So stuff like that can cost a career.
Speaker 1: They can. Same as all the other stories, is that, yeah,
Speaker 1: you don't think about it at the time, like I
Speaker 1: did not even other than you know, getting a little
Speaker 1: reprimand like I got in a bit of trouble from
Speaker 1: the from the manager captain obviously Pana the coach at
Speaker 1: the time. Yeah, I wasn't. I was in a lot
Speaker 1: of trouble, you know. But yeah, it's not not not
Speaker 1: to get put out in the public eye, I think,
Speaker 1: you know. That's that saved me a lot, just probably
Speaker 1: not so much from getting in trouble, but more just
Speaker 1: probably reputation wise and things like that, like, yeah, some
Speaker 1: people that could easily just get straight in the press
Speaker 1: and come out of it for a really bad perception
Speaker 1: of what you are as a person or who you are, and.
Speaker 2: Did you take it seriously though at the time, no,
Speaker 2: probably not.
Speaker 1: I was what it was two thousand and nine. Yeah,
Speaker 1: was only twenty four, playing cricket for Australia. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: opening the bar and you got away with it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and yeah, I don't even think twice. Yeah I got
Speaker 1: away with it. Oh yeah, I'll calm down my drinking
Speaker 1: a little bit. I pulled my head in a little bit.
Speaker 1: But that's the thing. I'd go through those little phases
Speaker 1: where my pull on my head in would be for
Speaker 1: you know, two more weeks serious finishes. You have a
Speaker 1: big one, you go home, you back with your mates,
Speaker 1: and same thing happens again. You're out having drink, having fun,
Speaker 1: catching up with people, and you were going out having
Speaker 1: the blackouts on benders.
Speaker 2: Is that fair to say? Like days and days on end.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I could go for days and I think, yeah,
Speaker 1: but this is able to sort of hide it, not
Speaker 1: even sometimes not even really hiding it, but just be
Speaker 1: able to, you know, get by doing it. I think
Speaker 1: I could rock up the training. I could train hard.
Speaker 1: I could get through it and then go home sleep
Speaker 1: all day just to just to recover, and and then
Speaker 1: you know, get closer to the weekend again and you
Speaker 1: just sort of restart it and and and go and
Speaker 1: go again.
Speaker 2: So warning at the ashes, your dad, you know, not
Speaker 2: knowing whether you're alive or not. What was you know,
Speaker 2: the drink driving. What was the thing that eventually stopped you.
Speaker 1: I think I was just I was putting myself in
Speaker 1: really bad positions. And obviously i'd started to seeing my
Speaker 1: wife Anna then and I just had Yeah, I just
Speaker 1: wasn't treating her right and the people around me in
Speaker 1: the in the sort of years leading up to that,
Speaker 1: up to the time when I stopped, I was always
Speaker 1: getting questioned whether it was by you know, the boss
Speaker 1: of cricket Cricket Victoria. He pretty much you know, he
Speaker 1: knew I was probably enjoying myself too much and having
Speaker 1: too much fun around Melbourne and around the around the
Speaker 1: club scene and even chatting to him now he looks
Speaker 1: back on it, and he got to a point where
Speaker 1: he knew I wouldn't be honest with him about you know,
Speaker 1: who was hanging around, how much I was drinking, what
Speaker 1: I was getting up to. All he could do then,
Speaker 1: and to his credit he did. He just became like
Speaker 1: when he'd asked me, he wouldn't you know, you've been
Speaker 1: going out too much. He wouldn't ask the serious questions
Speaker 1: that he probably did at the start. In the end,
Speaker 1: it was just like, he's not going to tell me
Speaker 1: the truth. I'm just going to make sure he's okay.
Speaker 1: That's my boss at CRIUK of Victoria. That's someone that
Speaker 1: you shouldn't be. He shouldn't even be, you know, get
Speaker 1: getting trying to get on the wrong side of and yeah,
Speaker 1: so he got to that point. You know, I had
Speaker 1: my managers ringing me up, making sure I was okay.
Speaker 1: They'll hearing things from other players checking in on me,
Speaker 1: but I'd always no, no, I'm doing all right. And
Speaker 1: I was doing all right, but the drinking side of things,
Speaker 1: I wasn't doing with that. I was partying too hard.
Speaker 1: I was just getting getting out of control. And I
Speaker 1: think I was just getting all my relationships that were
Speaker 1: real close to me. I was just in a way
Speaker 1: just lying to them all, sort of just hiding behind
Speaker 1: the fact that I was trying to enjoy life at
Speaker 1: the fullest off the field, whilst I was doing that
Speaker 1: on the field. A young man, yeah, and I was, yeah,
Speaker 1: young man on good money, on money that I never
Speaker 1: thought i'd be able to earn and just pretty much
Speaker 1: pissing it up the wall to an extent. Yeah, I'd
Speaker 1: obviously got myself into some bad situations that could have
Speaker 1: cost me a relationship with my now wife.
Speaker 2: So she knows you're doing this podcast. We spoke yesterday,
Speaker 2: So tell me about that weekend and what happened.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it was obviously i'd been on a bender
Speaker 1: and yeah, just same sort of thing. Have my blackouts,
Speaker 1: which has happened in many of times. She comes home
Speaker 1: with me with comes home to my place with someone
Speaker 1: else in the room with me, which obviously, yeah, I
Speaker 1: don't remember much of because I was in the state
Speaker 1: that I was pretty much every weekend. And yeah, it
Speaker 1: was tough, because I think the preceding days were just
Speaker 1: as tough. Well at the time they probably weren't, but
Speaker 1: trying to understand what had happened without obviously I'd do
Speaker 1: these things, but I wouldn't remember them. So the hardest
Speaker 1: part was I've done something wrong and really wrong, but
Speaker 1: trying to yeah, actually get there. I don't make sense
Speaker 1: of it because I don't really know other than you know,
Speaker 1: obviously she's really angry at me, very angry at me.
Speaker 2: Do you remember that moment when she walks.
Speaker 1: In very rarely other than watch how she's recalled to me?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: No, which what did she say? Just how disgusting it
Speaker 1: was and how bad it was? I think, yeah, But
Speaker 1: I think the worst thing was then the preceding days
Speaker 1: that because I just the easiest way to forget about it,
Speaker 1: or not in a way forget about it and try
Speaker 1: and think that it just go away, was that I
Speaker 1: just left the house and just went on a bender
Speaker 1: for another couple of days, just thinking that it disappear,
Speaker 1: which obviously it's not going to. And it was pretty
Speaker 1: much after that that I sat down with her once
Speaker 1: i'd sort of come to and sew it up. She
Speaker 1: pretty much picked me up from I think some nightclub
Speaker 1: early hours of the morning. We needed to talk and
Speaker 1: that's when I pretty much just broke down. Obviously, yes,
Speaker 1: I'd fucked up, and but I knew that I wanted
Speaker 1: I wanted her to be in my life. For me,
Speaker 1: then it was just about how can I obviously keep
Speaker 1: her because the situation I put myself in, what I've done,
Speaker 1: and so yeah, obviously I begged her to death, but
Speaker 1: also I knew things had to change. Then I had
Speaker 1: a mate come around to my house while she was
Speaker 1: there who had pretty much had seen my downfall. But
Speaker 1: you know, similar to all my other relationships, whether it
Speaker 1: was friends, people that cared for me and my well being,
Speaker 1: probably didn't know the full picture. And that's when, yeah,
Speaker 1: I pretty much just broke down in front of them
Speaker 1: for hours. Just yeah, just was. I was living two
Speaker 1: lives in a way that yeah, I was living the
Speaker 1: party boy life and then trying to be a cricketer.
Speaker 1: But not just a cricketer that just rocks up on
Speaker 1: a weekend and plays you know, forty overs and then
Speaker 1: hangs out of the boys I was. I was an
Speaker 1: Australian cricketer and at the time, you know, pretty much
Speaker 1: close to my peak and my powers, and I was
Speaker 1: pretty much, yeah, I was just throwing it all away.
Speaker 1: I was throwing away the closest relationship I had friendships,
Speaker 1: and I was putting even the people that cared for
Speaker 1: me the most, which is you know, Cricket Victoria and
Speaker 1: Cricket Australia, the ones that employ me and probably have
Speaker 1: as much as I have a lot to lose. The
Speaker 1: situations that I potentially could have put them in in
Speaker 1: the states that I was getting myself in. They could
Speaker 1: have lost a hell of a lot more than I
Speaker 1: may have lost. I might have lost my career, but
Speaker 1: they could potentially could have lost, you know, sponsorship deals.
Speaker 1: I know it's only small things and things that they
Speaker 1: could probably get to get away with, but like to
Speaker 1: go with obviously a relationship that I wasn't caring about
Speaker 1: and putting in that situation and in the relationships all
Speaker 1: around me, I was just literally going downhill.
Speaker 2: You're a pretty happy, go lucky guy these days, but
Speaker 2: you're quite emotional talking about this, ain't you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think I sort of look back on
Speaker 1: it and realize how lucky I am to actually be
Speaker 1: able to live my life now. Yeah, just and doing
Speaker 1: what I do. I'm still, thankfully enough. She's my wife
Speaker 1: now and she's stuck by me all that time.
Speaker 2: How do you feel about what you put Anna through
Speaker 2: at that time?
Speaker 1: Disgusting, Absolutely disgusting. I think just just just to do
Speaker 1: that to someone and someone you love, that's that's the
Speaker 1: bigger thing. I think I would have done it to,
Speaker 1: you know, I would have hurt multiple other people, but
Speaker 1: that was the one there. But the love for that
Speaker 1: like you don't. You don't love those as much as
Speaker 1: not as being in a rude way. You don't love
Speaker 1: the other people that you have relationships as much as
Speaker 1: you love someone that you actually care for. And you know,
Speaker 1: I wanted to spend the rest of my life with
Speaker 1: and luckily, luckily I have been to do that.
Speaker 2: Would you have stuck with you through all of that?
Speaker 1: Probably not, I think you know, the person I was then,
Speaker 1: I probably would have just laughed at myself and just
Speaker 1: when I'm when I'm a merry way and just thought,
Speaker 1: you know, and yeah, I think that's that time. I
Speaker 1: think people are you always need something bad to happen
Speaker 1: as much as you don't want it to make a
Speaker 1: significant change. And I don't think I would have done
Speaker 1: it as much as I hate that time. And I
Speaker 1: think she'd probably admit it that if I didn't have
Speaker 1: such an extreme and significant moment, I'd probably still be drinking. Yeah,
Speaker 1: i'd I'd be loose. I wouldn't I'd guaranteed I wouldn't
Speaker 1: be with her, And there's a chance I probably wouldn't
Speaker 1: have been. I probably would have been sacked from cricket
Speaker 1: by the time before I even got the thirty which
Speaker 1: you know, I think that's why how you said about
Speaker 1: how you go lucky, That's why I think I've lived
Speaker 1: since then with such freedom and such you know, love
Speaker 1: for the game and just I just want to enjoy
Speaker 1: it because all honestly, I wouldn't have been playing cricket
Speaker 1: at thirty and here I am at thirty five, just
Speaker 1: finished up with Australia, but you know, like and still
Speaker 1: with the intention to play domestic cricket around here and
Speaker 1: in England for ever how long I can, which you know,
Speaker 1: could end up being ten years after the time I
Speaker 1: thought I was done. I could potentially, you know, play
Speaker 1: for another decade, longer than I probably would have got to.
Speaker 2: When you think about those few days, so that that
Speaker 2: happened and I finds you, then you have the bender
Speaker 2: and everything? Is it humiliating? Like what what is the
Speaker 2: Does it feel like a different person now? Like did
Speaker 2: you you embarrassed? Like how do you how do you
Speaker 2: differentiate and how do you feel about that person in
Speaker 2: that moment?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Disgusted? I try not to. Actually, I don't know
Speaker 1: whether it's just because I tried blocking a lot of
Speaker 1: things out. I don't I don't have the best memory
Speaker 1: of a lot of things in my past from then,
Speaker 1: but even before then, I think I don't want to
Speaker 1: know that person. There's probably the best way of putting it.
Speaker 1: And I admit I had fun, I enjoyed it, but
Speaker 1: I don't enjoy the person that was doing that, and
Speaker 1: that was a person back then. I've always tried to
Speaker 1: look forward. I've never tried to look back. That's one
Speaker 1: little motto I've always had with myself is not to
Speaker 1: worry about anything that's happened, whether it's from a cricket
Speaker 1: point of view, in life, try not to worry about them,
Speaker 1: whether it's even with a selection and injury and stuff
Speaker 1: like that, because you can't control them. You can control
Speaker 1: your behavior, yes, But even though I could control that,
Speaker 1: silly as it sounds, I wasn't really in control because
Speaker 1: I'd have these blackouts and I wouldn't know which is.
Speaker 1: Like I said, I've said it many times, but that's
Speaker 1: the scariest thing that always scares me is how often
Speaker 1: I had those blackouts, and how often, yeah that I
Speaker 1: couldn't remember things that had happened, or more to the point,
Speaker 1: things that potentially could have happened. Now, I want to
Speaker 1: look back on it.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Ordinarily speaking with special guest Peter Siddle.
Speaker 2: This podcast is about resilience and human stories and overcoming
Speaker 2: knowing that all of that happened that and it did
Speaker 2: stick by you, that your parents stuck by you. How
Speaker 2: much does it mean to you? And how proud are
Speaker 2: you of the fact that you did give it up then?
Speaker 2: Because the friendship that we have has been whilst you've
Speaker 2: been sober and you can still go out with the
Speaker 2: best of her and last, you know, for as long
Speaker 2: and always have a smile on your face, how proud
Speaker 2: of yourself are you and the people around you that
Speaker 2: you got through that.
Speaker 1: I'm probably more proud of the people that are around
Speaker 1: me more than myself. I think anything I set my
Speaker 1: mind to, I'm good at succeeding in. I think as
Speaker 1: an athlete in general, that we've got addictive personalities, so
Speaker 1: traits are hard to break. But that's what makes us
Speaker 1: good sportsman, is that, you know, we dedicate so much
Speaker 1: addicted to winning, addicted to being good at our sport,
Speaker 1: so to break that was always going to be tough. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think just the people that stuck around me. I
Speaker 1: think I have there, they'd be many of friends that
Speaker 1: I probably don't talk to as much as I probably
Speaker 1: did when I was you know, that person going out
Speaker 1: and partying. And I think it's just the people that
Speaker 1: are stuck by me, the people that I know that
Speaker 1: are close to me now that I can talk to
Speaker 1: and communicate with. But and as the biggest one that
Speaker 1: I'm most proud of and appreciative of, because she sacrificed
Speaker 1: a lot then obviously when you know, she gave me
Speaker 1: a chance to potentially, you know, stay together. But I
Speaker 1: had but things had to change, and the initial part
Speaker 1: was I needed to stop drinking. I was in a
Speaker 1: little bit of trouble with Cricket Australia at the time
Speaker 1: as well for obviously just getting a bad rap for
Speaker 1: obous just drinking and being out and putting them in
Speaker 1: rough circumstances really and potentially you know, critical ones. So yeah,
Speaker 1: I went and saw a doctor, had brain scans and
Speaker 1: stuff done, just to check why was I getting these blackouts?
Speaker 1: Like even the doctor would say that he always hears
Speaker 1: of people having them, but not as frequent frequently as me.
Speaker 1: He nearly choked when I told him how much alcohol
Speaker 1: I'd drink on a night and a day over a weekend.
Speaker 1: But I think, you know, I made sure that I
Speaker 1: did everything right then to make sure that I could
Speaker 1: move forward, not just for me, but obviously my relationship
Speaker 1: with Anna and then start making the changes. And yeah,
Speaker 1: I banned myself that first the first year. I wasn't
Speaker 1: going to step foot in a c or a pub
Speaker 1: at all, not even to go in there, and not
Speaker 1: even to go in there with mates, to celebrate, going
Speaker 1: there for a meal with the boys. Nothing, and to
Speaker 1: do that obviously, and I had to sacrifice as well
Speaker 1: that I was going to do that. So she sacrificed
Speaker 1: not every weekend, but to stay around and do stuff
Speaker 1: with me on the weekend, whether it was go to
Speaker 1: the movies, go out for dinner, just steer clear of
Speaker 1: pubs and clubs. It's only something small. No one else
Speaker 1: told me they had to do that. It's just something
Speaker 1: I want to do for myself. And I had no
Speaker 1: end date to when I was gonna, you know, at
Speaker 1: that time, it was I'll probably start, I might start
Speaker 1: drinking again, but I wanted to stop for a substantial
Speaker 1: amount of time.
Speaker 2: Is it forever now it is now?
Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, I think I've gone long enough. There's too
Speaker 1: many there's there's too many scary things that I think
Speaker 1: about that, and I know that with my will willpower
Speaker 1: that i'd actually be able to just have a few
Speaker 1: drinks and go out. But like I said earlier, that
Speaker 1: I didn't actually enjoy alcohol. I just I enjoyed it
Speaker 1: to get me drunk, which you know, I could drink shots,
Speaker 1: red wine, white wine, cocktails, beers, spirits, I'd drink everything
Speaker 1: under the sun in a night out. But it was
Speaker 1: just to, yeah, just to get drunk, try and impress people,
Speaker 1: which yeah, I didn't have to do, but like what
Speaker 1: but that's what I tried doing. So yeah, so no,
Speaker 1: I'm happy. Yeah, coming up eight years and I think
Speaker 1: initially we had it was leading into the back to
Speaker 1: back Ashes where we played in England and we came home,
Speaker 1: played in Australia and pretty much the end of the
Speaker 1: Ashes in Australia was going to be eighteen months. It
Speaker 1: was about eighteen months. So I decided then that play
Speaker 1: the Ashes ten tests back to back going to be
Speaker 1: hard work, that I'll sit it out. Hopefully, you know,
Speaker 1: we win the Ashes in Australia, I'll have a drink
Speaker 1: with the boys. After that eighteen months good effort. I've
Speaker 1: focused on the cricket, kept my life back on track.
Speaker 1: Cricket will follow and then I can just you know,
Speaker 1: see where I'm at. And yeah, pretty much went to England,
Speaker 1: got through that fine, came back home. Was the amazing
Speaker 1: Ashes series that we end up winning five nil. We
Speaker 1: win the third Test and we've won the series already.
Speaker 1: Third Test Perth warning puts on a big party for
Speaker 1: us a crown, but I decided then we've still got
Speaker 1: two more to go. Dedicated this long. I'm like, on
Speaker 1: the on the cricket side of things, let's just wait
Speaker 1: till the end. Let's make this series really special. Winning
Speaker 1: Melbourne and I'm like, this is going to be amazing.
Speaker 1: And get the Sydney we went again. So we've won
Speaker 1: five nil, one of the most amazing series that I've
Speaker 1: played in. We go to the room, celebrate with family
Speaker 1: and friends, still hadn't had a drink yet, and then
Speaker 1: I remember, yeah, I remember this vividly that Yeah, Sydney
Speaker 1: change rooms. There's sort of like a little lower area
Speaker 1: where blokes sitting on steps, on couches, on the physio bench,
Speaker 1: all sitting in a big circle we're all drinking, And
Speaker 1: I was just about to message Anna and just say
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have a drink, have a champagne off the
Speaker 1: boys to celebrate, And as I was writing it, I
Speaker 1: just had a thought that, like, if I have one
Speaker 1: with them, I might as well have a hundred. And
Speaker 1: I don't want to have a hundred, so why I
Speaker 1: bother having one? And I think that was the moment
Speaker 1: that I knew when and I pretty much just sit
Speaker 1: back to the phone to lead it before I even
Speaker 1: send it, put the phone back in the pocket, and yeah,
Speaker 1: and and didn't have a drink. But that was, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's probably the point where I knew, and that one
Speaker 1: hundred percent knew inside. Up until then, I probably didn't.
Speaker 1: I probably thought I was going to drink again at
Speaker 1: some stage, but I think, yeah, once, yeah, it just
Speaker 1: hit me that, yeah, I don't want to have one
Speaker 1: because I'll end up having heaps. So if I don't
Speaker 1: touch it, then I'll be right. And so I didn't
Speaker 1: end up, you know, staying out until seven am that morning,
Speaker 1: celebrating for the boys, carried a few of them home
Speaker 1: and proceeded to celebrate for two or three days, and
Speaker 1: all the lads and remembered all of it. The boys
Speaker 1: loved it because I could fill them in with with
Speaker 1: how the night went. And I sort of enjoy it
Speaker 1: a little bit. I instilling I love going out, and
Speaker 1: I can go out for as late as I like
Speaker 1: and as long as I like and enjoy it. But
Speaker 1: I sort of the thing that pleases me a little bit,
Speaker 1: and even if and I don't do it because I
Speaker 1: want them to think that I'm looking out for them,
Speaker 1: but I don't, and I don't try and make it.
Speaker 1: There's no making a deal about it that I'm there.
Speaker 1: But when I go out, I just like the fact
Speaker 1: that I know that I can control them if something
Speaker 1: does come up or there's a bad situation or the
Speaker 1: while I'm there that yeah, I can just yeah, look
Speaker 1: after someone. Because I didn't have anyone that would do
Speaker 1: that for me, and not because not because I'm angry
Speaker 1: that anyone didn't, but we're all in that state. So
Speaker 1: I just think of things that can now, that can happen,
Speaker 1: and I've thought I've had the hell of a lot
Speaker 1: of things that could have happened that yeah, that now
Speaker 1: I get a bit of enjoyment at it. You know
Speaker 1: that I can at least be eyes for any trouble
Speaker 1: that might arise.
Speaker 2: You copped a bit when you because at the same
Speaker 2: time you became a vegetarian and then vegan afterwards, or
Speaker 2: are you vegan in that moment as well?
Speaker 1: Uh, sort of, it was around that time. Yeah, a
Speaker 1: little bit before that. I'd probably go and vegio first.
Speaker 1: I was already vegio. Right.
Speaker 2: So you've had a whole lifestyle change, though, and you
Speaker 2: actually copped a fair bit. And the world has changed,
Speaker 2: thankfully that it's more accepted for all of these sorts
Speaker 2: of things. But was it actually hard for you when
Speaker 2: you knew that you had a drinking problem, but you
Speaker 2: were getting essentially mocked for not having beers, not eating steak,
Speaker 2: not being the quintessential assi bloke a little bit.
Speaker 1: I've always saw that as a challenge and as like
Speaker 1: motivation in a way, similar to when you get bad press.
Speaker 1: I always tried to use that to spur me on
Speaker 1: to you know, prove people wrong. And I think it
Speaker 1: was the same in that situation. You know, people judge
Speaker 1: me a lot about the change. It'll ruin your career.
Speaker 1: You won't be able to play, you know, you'll be done.
Speaker 1: And then as it turned out, it ends up being
Speaker 1: more than half my career playing for Australia. I've been
Speaker 1: a non drinking vegan. When everyone goes, nah, yeah, you
Speaker 1: know you're terrible when you did it, Well, how have
Speaker 1: I played you know, six, you know, seven years like that,
Speaker 1: when it was only the first three or four that
Speaker 1: I wasn't. I think that's where people sort of judge,
Speaker 1: you know, two thirds of my career, it breaks down
Speaker 1: to be I was a non drinking vegan. So if
Speaker 1: I was no good, I would have been gone a
Speaker 1: long time ago. But I think initially it was just, yeah,
Speaker 1: just motivation to prove them wrong.
Speaker 2: When you look at because you've just retired from international cricket,
Speaker 2: When you look back at your career, you've obviously had
Speaker 2: the you know, the big moments, the birthday hat trick,
Speaker 2: in the ashes and you know you've touched on ashes,
Speaker 2: winning teams and things like that. You've achieved a lot.
Speaker 2: What what was the most challenging part of your career though?
Speaker 2: And what are your most Yeah, what what was the
Speaker 2: hardest part?
Speaker 1: Probably initially, probably initially that going through that, the changes,
Speaker 1: the pressure that I put on my I'm not pressure
Speaker 1: that put on myself, but the position I put on
Speaker 1: myself in with obviously cricket, Australia, Victoria personal relationships. But
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, the loss of Hughesy was probably yeah,
Speaker 1: after that, probably the hardest thing that not just me,
Speaker 1: but a lot of guys struggle with and probably still
Speaker 1: struggle a little bit with over their life.
Speaker 2: I have this theory or concept that when you've experienced tragedy,
Speaker 2: you can talk about it without thinking about it, but
Speaker 2: the moment that you think about it, you're right back
Speaker 2: in that spot, and I feel like you're right back
Speaker 2: in that spot right now.
Speaker 1: You look pretty Yeah, it's hard. It's just tough to
Speaker 1: think about because so the day you got hit it
Speaker 1: was actually on my birthday. So birthday is never a
Speaker 1: good time of the year for me. As much as
Speaker 1: everyone always talks about the birthday hat trick, I don't.
Speaker 1: It doesn't even really register that much with me anymore,
Speaker 1: just for this year. Fact that birthdays a bad time
Speaker 1: of the year for me. I remember I was sitting
Speaker 1: in a movie with Anna, as I do, just follow
Speaker 1: scores on your phone, you just follow the boys and
Speaker 1: see how they're going, and I'd noticed that the game
Speaker 1: had stopped and how was playing the game. So, being
Speaker 1: one of my best mates, I ended up. I just
Speaker 1: said that I knew something was up. I knew Hughes
Speaker 1: he had been hit. I'm like, I have to go call.
Speaker 1: So I ran out called Hads and I just stayed
Speaker 1: out there. He didn't answer, and then he called me
Speaker 1: back pretty quickly and just filled me in with, Yeah,
Speaker 1: obviously what had happened where they're at, but as we
Speaker 1: all know, there's not much. They didn't know much at
Speaker 1: that stage, so yeah, it was pretty tough. I pretty
Speaker 1: much went back in and told Anna and we just
Speaker 1: we left the movie and and just came home. And Yeah,
Speaker 1: the next couple of days were hard. I think, Yeah,
Speaker 1: we flew we've we flew up the Sydney a couple
Speaker 1: of us pretty much just to go see him in
Speaker 1: the hospital. And that's probably one of the hardest things
Speaker 1: I've ever done, is actually going and see him laying
Speaker 1: in the bed. But as hard as it was, I'm
Speaker 1: glad I did go in because, yeah, I know that
Speaker 1: now I'd regret if I didn't walk in there and
Speaker 1: see one last time. Sorry. It's yeah, So as much
Speaker 1: as everyone always yeah talks about the highlight of the
Speaker 1: boxing day, I mean the birthday hat trick. It's fair
Speaker 1: to say, yeah, birthdays are pretty insignificant to me these days,
Speaker 1: not because of people joke that no one can ever
Speaker 1: top it. As a present. Yeah, there's only one present
Speaker 1: I'd like, and that would be that you know that
Speaker 1: that day never happened.
Speaker 2: How do you cope with that? I mean, I know
Speaker 2: all the boys go through it without putting myself in
Speaker 2: I was outside the hospital or you're inside the hospital,
Speaker 2: so we all lived through this bizarre, you know, outer
Speaker 2: body experience together and you guys were so close to him,
Speaker 2: and I just sat there and I watched you guys
Speaker 2: walk in and out, and you're all, you know, a
Speaker 2: lot of you and my mates, and just seeing your
Speaker 2: face now takes me back to seeing all those faces.
Speaker 1: Then and just.
Speaker 2: How did you get through that time? Because I will
Speaker 2: never understand how all the boys got through that.
Speaker 1: I think we just just how much he loved cricket.
Speaker 1: I think that's what got us through, and I think
Speaker 1: how close the cricket community probably got after that, especially
Speaker 1: in Australia. Obviously, there was a lot of respect around
Speaker 1: the world for how people, you know, sent their condolences
Speaker 1: and you know, passed on their best wishes and all
Speaker 1: that type of thing. So obviously the family and people
Speaker 1: involved in everything, but I just think how close cricket
Speaker 1: in Australia became from that moment, pretty much from like
Speaker 1: you said that that day in the hospital where there
Speaker 1: was yeah, it would have been thirty people, thirty current players,
Speaker 1: maybe you know a handful of X players as well.
Speaker 1: I think from then on in family and friends, but
Speaker 1: then on, yeah, it just became closer. It probably changed
Speaker 1: the way some people played the game a little bit,
Speaker 1: I think how they went about it. Personally. People probably
Speaker 1: judge me a little bit. Ah, you know, you're not
Speaker 1: as aggressive as used to be and all these types
Speaker 1: of things. But even though I can be, I think
Speaker 1: it's hard to be the sort of player that I
Speaker 1: was after what happened, just because of how it happened.
Speaker 1: It's obviously hard to say as a fast bowler, but yeah,
Speaker 1: it's very rare that I'll probably get in the state
Speaker 1: of mind that I probably did before that where I
Speaker 1: could be really aggressive. And yeah, so I think my
Speaker 1: game changed, which I probably got judged a lot for too,
Speaker 1: But I don't care. That's the way I want to
Speaker 1: play it. That's the way I've succeeded since. But it's
Speaker 1: I think from the good thing that it's helped me
Speaker 1: with is just how you said. You've said a lot
Speaker 1: of our people talk about you being happy, go lucky,
Speaker 1: and love life, and I think that's why I do.
Speaker 1: I think that's why I'm playing cricket so freely and
Speaker 1: with so much fun and passion and enjoyment now because
Speaker 1: I don't worry about anything. I just don't worry about
Speaker 1: whether it was selection. All I worried about for whichever
Speaker 1: team I walked out that I just had fun and
Speaker 1: I just played it and enjoyed it. Because as hard
Speaker 1: as it was back then, he never got to play
Speaker 1: another crickety game, and you just never know when your
Speaker 1: last game is going to be. So I think that's
Speaker 1: why I just love life. I love playing the game
Speaker 1: because we all know how much he loved it, how
Speaker 1: much he smiled when he played it, and I think
Speaker 1: that's what spurs me on the fact that, yeah, you
Speaker 1: can just go out there and have fun. In the
Speaker 1: bigger picture, there's a hell of a lot worse things
Speaker 1: that can happen, and that's happening around the world to
Speaker 1: worry about a little cricket game. That's probably, like we said,
Speaker 1: about significant things that happen in life. As significant as
Speaker 1: that was and as hard a loss as that was, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's definitely made cricket a better place in Australian cricket,
Speaker 1: I think, just with friendships and relationships and possibly the
Speaker 1: way we play the game now compared to maybe you
Speaker 1: know in the past.
Speaker 2: I've heard about this thing recently called PTG. So there's
Speaker 2: there's post traumatic stress and then there's this thing that
Speaker 2: people talk about called post traumatic growth, which is learning
Speaker 2: from those moments and taking something out of it. And
Speaker 2: I guess that's kind of what you're talking about there,
Speaker 2: is that a lot of good came out of it,
Speaker 2: but it was such a tough thing to go through.
Speaker 1: It was and yeah, like I say that, I can
Speaker 1: definitely say it now you see that. Yeah, there has
Speaker 1: been a lot of growth since. Yeah, the game has changed.
Speaker 1: I know there's still aggressive moments and stuff like that,
Speaker 1: but just the good things that you've seen grow from it,
Speaker 1: just the way we play the game and how we
Speaker 1: respect him, and because at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: he was a great friend. He was a great mate
Speaker 1: too many. He's a great son and brother. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: that's sad, but that's sort of Yeah. When I go
Speaker 1: out there to play and you think about and enjoying
Speaker 1: the game, I just think about the enjoyable moments that
Speaker 1: I had with him on the field alongside him, some
Speaker 1: of the games that he made a smile, the way
Speaker 1: he played that it makes it easy to play cricket,
Speaker 1: which is what I've enjoyed my especially for someone at
Speaker 1: the back end of their career, where I can literally
Speaker 1: just yeah, go out there and enjoy the game for
Speaker 1: what it is.
Speaker 2: Thanks for chatting with me. I've ended up in tears
Speaker 2: almost more than you have, so I'm going to stop
Speaker 2: this and give you a hug. But well done on
Speaker 2: your career as well. I know it's still going on
Speaker 2: a domestic front, but I think you've overcome a lot,
Speaker 2: You've achieved a lot, and the way that you live
Speaker 2: your life now is you live it by the way
Speaker 2: that you preach it. And you're a joy to hang
Speaker 2: out with. And you've become a really good mate and
Speaker 2: I really appreciate you.
Speaker 1: You're dealing with you, so thank you, no ways, thank you.
Speaker 1: And HOWE becomes a cross.
Speaker 2: Okay, where's the tissue time. If this episode has been
Speaker 2: a bit of a trigger for you, please remember that
Speaker 2: there is help out there. Beyond Blue is one place
Speaker 2: you can go, Alcoholics Anonymous another. There's plenty of help
Speaker 2: out there, you just need to reach out. Thanks for
Speaker 2: listening to this episode of Ordinarily Speaking. If you want
Speaker 2: to get in touch, you can get me on Twitter
Speaker 2: at narrowly underscore Meadows or follow the podcast on Instagram
Speaker 2: at ordinarily underscore Speaking.
Speaker 3: Thanks again, show me that you are, fire
Speaker 1: Me that you are