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Speaker 1: Hello, everybody, Welcome to the Black African Woman Network. It's

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Speaker 1: good to have you here. As you can see, I

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Speaker 1: am not alone. I'm joined by four amazing humans.

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Speaker 2: And this is.

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Speaker 1: Because today we are recording the lad Expectations show and

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Speaker 1: today it's a bit of a goodie. I'll introduce the

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Speaker 1: gens and the ladies shortly, but I just wanted to

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Speaker 1: let you in on what we'll be talking about today,

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Speaker 1: a topic that I think many of us are really

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Speaker 1: keen on digging into. No matter how many times we

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Speaker 1: talk about it, we want to talk about it some more,

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Speaker 1: and that is relationships. So I hear whether you are

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Speaker 1: in one, whether you are not, whether you are married single.

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Speaker 1: We just want to get into our understanding of what

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Speaker 1: relationships are our experiences because we really believe on this

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Speaker 1: network that we learn from each other, we grow through

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Speaker 1: listening to each other stories. So uh yeah, get buckle

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Speaker 1: down and enjoy what we have in store. So I

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Speaker 1: would like to introduce you to our panel for today.

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Speaker 2: Firstly, I'm sorry a duet. Sorry my apologies.

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Speaker 1: I am the founder of the Black African Woman and

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Speaker 1: I am here to just pick the brains of these

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Speaker 1: lovely young people.

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Speaker 2: So first up on my screen. I've got room B

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Speaker 2: say hey to the peeps.

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Speaker 3: Hi, peeps. Room B is.

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Speaker 1: Actually my baby's sister, and she is part of the

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Speaker 1: It's a Laird podcast. So these are the ladies that

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Speaker 1: have been doing the Laird Expectations show. So she's one

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Speaker 1: of the representatives. And then there is Amanda.

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Speaker 2: Next, thank guys, yes, and so am is also part

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Speaker 2: of its.

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Speaker 1: Lad and she is also going to be giving a

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Speaker 1: female perspective.

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Speaker 2: Then on our gents end of.

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Speaker 1: Things, I've got Dobby up first, right, Hey Dobby. So

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Speaker 1: Dobby's actually Zimborn, but he's currently based in Canada, I

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Speaker 1: understand correctly, and today he had to wake up a

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Speaker 1: bit early to join us.

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Speaker 2: We're glad to have you here.

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Speaker 1: And then last, but definitely not least, we have Couzi

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Speaker 1: and because he's also the Zimborn but he is currently

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Speaker 1: based in Australia with Amanda, and I forgot to mention

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Speaker 1: Ruby's actually in Czech Republic. So we're all over the

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Speaker 1: world today having this this wonderful conversation. All right, so

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Speaker 1: welcome ladies and gentlemen. How are we feeling today?

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Speaker 4: Feeling good, feeling great?

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Speaker 5: Great?

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Speaker 3: Let's be great to go. I'm scared. Please don't come

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Speaker 3: out nervous.

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Speaker 4: Let's chop it up. Let's see.

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Speaker 2: Yes, I agree. I'm with the Gens on this one.

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Speaker 2: I'm ready.

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Speaker 1: So actually to get us going, if the Gens, if

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Speaker 1: you can just give us a brief intro of your

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Speaker 1: dating life. You know, dating life starts from I guess,

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Speaker 1: whenever you deemed it or when you when you started

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Speaker 1: I guess considering the opposite six and as more than

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Speaker 1: just a playfriend, you know, in the playground whatever. And

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Speaker 1: that can start at any age for anyone. So for you,

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Speaker 1: if you can just give us a bit of a

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Speaker 1: rundown of your dating experience, Dobby, you look keen.

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Speaker 6: Dating life where it started? Okay, So for me probably,

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Speaker 6: I think first crash was around grade one. We used

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Speaker 6: to have to do this thing where you'd have to

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Speaker 6: clean your under your desk or something like you'd get

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Speaker 6: up a whole mob thing and you'd have to clean

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Speaker 6: under your desk and all this stuff. And it was

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Speaker 6: like I was a teacher's pet, so I was always

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Speaker 6: the class monitor. So people always wanted to do things

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Speaker 6: for me. And there was this one girl that always

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Speaker 6: used to come over and she'd offer to do it

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Speaker 6: and all that stuff.

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Speaker 4: So h love, you know, acts of service. I guess

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Speaker 4: it was what all them love languages were.

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Speaker 6: I was already feeling them, so that's where it kind

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Speaker 6: of started. But I moved around a lot when I

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Speaker 6: was in junior school and stuff like that, so lots

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Speaker 6: of unsaid things, little things started that never got to anything.

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Speaker 4: Then. That was kind of mostly junior school high school.

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Speaker 6: My parents were all about the books, so yeah, dating

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Speaker 6: became a nobody got time for that type thing. There

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Speaker 6: was no one giving you money to take anyone on dates.

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Speaker 6: There was no one giving you no car to take

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Speaker 6: anyone on dates, so it was a struggle. I had

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Speaker 6: two older brothers who you know, they were out there

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Speaker 6: doing everything, so by the time they were done doing things,

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Speaker 6: there was nothing left for me. So high school was

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Speaker 6: pretty pretty dry time. But I did okay at school,

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Speaker 6: so you know, sacrifices for something.

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Speaker 4: At least university.

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Speaker 6: I pretty much dated most of university, So three quarters

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Speaker 6: of my university I was in a relationship. I'd say,

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Speaker 6: probably my first real relationship. And then yeah since then,

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Speaker 6: who yeah, I mean, I mean relationships here and the

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Speaker 6: dates here and there. But I'm still struggle saying still

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Speaker 6: looking for for that person. I think now a lot,

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Speaker 6: a lot of my orbit or a lot of my

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Speaker 6: space is getting filled with marriages and kids. That's messing

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Speaker 6: up my balance. You know, only be the cool uncle

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Speaker 6: that's out in the club for so long before everyone's like, yo, bro,

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Speaker 6: we can't invite you to things anymore, so you know,

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Speaker 6: take a seat. So yeah, no, I'm still enjoying it though,

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Speaker 6: I'm still having fun. Personally, I don't think I'm ready

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Speaker 6: for that, for that next step yet, but I'm excited

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Speaker 6: for when it does come.

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Speaker 2: Awesome.

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Speaker 1: No, I appreciate that honestly, W And I feel you

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Speaker 1: on the You're the single friend with the marrieds.

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Speaker 2: I have friends with the babies. I'm that auntie. I'm

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Speaker 2: also I'm also tired now.

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Speaker 3: Really rich auntie.

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Speaker 4: Es.

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Speaker 1: I don't mind those awesome thanks, Thanks so much. W

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Speaker 1: Couzi and you share less your.

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Speaker 7: Experience absolutely so just like my guy that I'll go

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Speaker 7: chronologically as well, from junior school to high school to university.

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Speaker 7: I guess junior school I went to an all sex school,

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Speaker 7: so shout out to Borodoor Primary. So I was there

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Speaker 7: from grade one to grade seven and I think the

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Speaker 7: junior school dating experience kind of started in grade four.

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Speaker 7: You know, I think the thing that sort of showed

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Speaker 7: you that you were going to sort of link up

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Speaker 7: with someone was if you were in a class like

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Speaker 7: you had like the opposite sex opposite you, right, you

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Speaker 7: played foot see foot see, and I think that was

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Speaker 7: a way to kind of tell you that whether or

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Speaker 7: not that person was interested. So that was pretty much

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Speaker 7: what it was like from from grade four up until

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Speaker 7: about grade seven, So there were a few foot see

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Speaker 7: footsie experiences for that three year period. Then in high school,

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Speaker 7: I think around form four is when I really kind

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Speaker 7: of got into a bit of a serious relationship with

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Speaker 7: you know, another girl, I suppose, and we're together for

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Speaker 7: about three years up until about my second year of university.

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Speaker 7: And what happened was is because I was now on

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Speaker 7: my way to Australia and she was at the time

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Speaker 7: still based in Barbe then moved across to Cape Town.

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Speaker 7: We tried the long distance thing, but that didn't work,

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Speaker 7: and you know, once we broke up, there were a

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Speaker 7: few entanglements that happened, you know, before I actually then

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Speaker 7: ended up being with the woman that I'm married to

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Speaker 7: and who I've been with for the last thirteen years.

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Speaker 7: So I met my wife back in two thousand and eight,

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Speaker 7: and I chased her like big time. So for the

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Speaker 7: first for the first four months of me trying to

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Speaker 7: sort of plant myself in her space, I was available

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Speaker 7: to her twenty four to seven, so I would go

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Speaker 7: with her on the bus from university to work, or

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Speaker 7: I'll meet with her, you know when she had a

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Speaker 7: break in between tutorials. Yeah, And then as a result,

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Speaker 7: we then decided like in December, because we dated for

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Speaker 7: the first four months before I actually well entanglements for

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Speaker 7: the four months before I actually then make my girlfriend

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Speaker 7: because I think we're still trying to suss each other

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Speaker 7: out to be like whether or not we.

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Speaker 4: Want to be together or not.

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Speaker 7: And I decided to then make the plunge December twenty

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Speaker 7: eight yea December two thousand and eight, and we dated

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Speaker 7: for about five years until I then decided that I

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Speaker 7: wanted to propose to her. So Boxing Day twenty thirteen,

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Speaker 7: I proposed at World's View and Younger. The whole process

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Speaker 7: went about it in terms of me introducing myself to

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Speaker 7: the family, went and asked her dad and her mom

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Speaker 7: for or their blessing because at that time, we were

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Speaker 7: both in Zim for Christmas holidays around that time, and

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Speaker 7: I thought, you know what, this is the perfect opportunity

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Speaker 7: for me to start doing them Quasha things to say,

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Speaker 7: this is what I want to do. These are intentions

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Speaker 7: for your daughter. So we took her to our rural

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Speaker 7: homestead in the Manica Land and yeah, I proceeded to

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Speaker 7: then put an elaborate plan in place between my parents,

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Speaker 7: my sister, her family then lead to us then having

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Speaker 7: the opportunity for me to propose. So then we did

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Speaker 7: our ara in July twenty fourteen, and I then got

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Speaker 7: a new job, so I lived in Perth for eight

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Speaker 7: years and then I've got a job that made me

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Speaker 7: then leave Perth. But in order for us to then

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Speaker 7: recognize the fact that we have done the traditional thing,

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Speaker 7: I wanted to also then honor her parents by doing

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Speaker 7: the legal side of things, because I think that was

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Speaker 7: something that her mom and was to do before she

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Speaker 7: could move across to the same town with me. So

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Speaker 7: we really went to the courthouse in the town that

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Speaker 7: I used to live in called Derby, and yeah, we

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Speaker 7: got married on the nineteenth of December twenty fourteen and

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Speaker 7: we've been together since, so yeah.

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Speaker 1: Jeez wow, thank you because you what And you know,

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of women love when a man

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Speaker 1: can put detail to the relationship.

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Speaker 2: I feel like I have never.

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Speaker 8: Mad all day listen.

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Speaker 2: Like detail. But that's that's really awesome. Thank you so

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Speaker 2: much guys for sharing experiences and it's nice to have,

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Speaker 2: you know, different.

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Speaker 1: Experiences of relationship because I mean, that's the reality.

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Speaker 2: Not every situation is going to be the same.

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Speaker 1: And ladies, I actually am interested to hear about you know,

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Speaker 1: you guys discussing eating and relationships on your podcast. What

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Speaker 1: has come up there when it comes to relationships and dating?

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Speaker 3: Gonna go first, Amanda, Amanda, you know I.

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Speaker 9: Always make you go first. But yeah, we dating for

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Speaker 9: us was it was full of ups and downs. And

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Speaker 9: this is something we went on talked about on our

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Speaker 9: own podcast for over two parts, two episodes, and I

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Speaker 9: don't even think we even could dulve deeper enough because

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Speaker 9: this wasn't enough time. But in a nutshell, we we

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Speaker 9: tried the things. We tried to find our own versions

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Speaker 9: of what we think is the love that we deserve

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Speaker 9: to have. High school was pretty scarce, very scarce for

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Speaker 9: both of us.

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Speaker 3: I think.

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Speaker 8: Girl.

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Speaker 9: Oh yeah, I think we finally round about you know,

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Speaker 9: without going much into detail. So hopefully people can also

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Speaker 9: tune in the podcast and listen to those episodes see

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Speaker 9: if you relate. But in a nutshell, we finally got

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Speaker 9: the love we were probably both looking for.

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Speaker 3: Hearing me, I think.

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Speaker 1: So it took long enough for some, some longer than others,

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Speaker 1: but you are very eventually for sure.

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Speaker 3: But we go all the way in.

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Speaker 1: Amanda summarize it very well, and yeah, listen to that episode.

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Speaker 1: I think it was quite juicy. Yeah, I mean I

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Speaker 1: was gonna say I definitely I enjoyed it. And you know,

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Speaker 1: I've had the privilege of watching your journeys, like.

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Speaker 2: Why are you farming?

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Speaker 1: Though, it's been a privilege and and I actually think

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Speaker 1: it happened exactly the way it should. I mean, I

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Speaker 1: think that's what that's the thing with everyone's story. It

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Speaker 1: plays out the way it should. But that's a really

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Speaker 1: good episode, by the way, to tune into. So thank

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Speaker 1: you for sharing, ladies. And on that note, now that

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Speaker 1: we've looked at, you know, dating from our younger years,

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Speaker 1: you know, we're entering different years now as we mature,

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Speaker 1: you know, so I'm interested in understanding how dating sort

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Speaker 1: of switched from your twenties into your thirties. You know,

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Speaker 1: expectations from a partner, or your expectations in a partner,

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Speaker 1: or whatever else you can think of. Well, how would

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Speaker 1: you say you experienced that shift or did you experience

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Speaker 1: a shift in your dating.

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Speaker 2: From twenties to thirties pick On Derby.

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Speaker 6: Okay, yeah, so looking at the twenties, that's your university years.

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Speaker 6: Like I said, I was in a relationship, so expectations

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Speaker 6: wise very low.

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Speaker 4: I had no money. Money was not happening.

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Speaker 6: I think there was a time we cooked with no

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Speaker 6: onions for a while and then first time we could

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Speaker 6: our interviewers back on that we live in good life.

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Speaker 4: So yeah, I know twenties was was was.

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Speaker 6: Was low expectations and I was kind of in a relationship,

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Speaker 6: so you know, you get that a little bit more comfortable.

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Speaker 4: You don't have to do as much r trians well

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Speaker 4: not try as much.

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Speaker 7: Still, we.

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Speaker 6: Went on our We had a monthly date. We celebrated

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Speaker 6: every month anniversary.

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Speaker 4: That's how we were there.

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Speaker 6: We went to that restaurant once a month just to

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Speaker 6: show that that energy, that love and everything. So yeah,

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Speaker 6: I know it was twenties. Early twenties was very low.

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Speaker 4: Not a lot going on.

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Speaker 6: The mid twenties kind of you're jumping out of university

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Speaker 6: and you're going into the the working world. I moved

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Speaker 6: from like a small city and I moved to the

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Speaker 6: six as they call it out there, which is I

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Speaker 6: mean a city within itself right, Like it's we have

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Speaker 6: so much influence from the Americas that the culture and

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Speaker 6: everything of dating is very different than anything else. So

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Speaker 6: you know, there's you're going from a small city and

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Speaker 6: university to a city where Lamborghinis are just driving by

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Speaker 6: and you know you just jumped out that that bus.

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Speaker 4: So who's hitting on the girl and who's getting success?

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Speaker 6: It changes a lot, you know, like you're there, you

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Speaker 6: live in a city with a basketball team. We ladies,

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Speaker 6: we know how you all want that six foot thug

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Speaker 6: with ten million dollars and all that. Then you they're

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Speaker 6: the brother that's just you know, coming through from work,

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Speaker 6: hard day, different things, right. And then coming into my

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Speaker 6: thirties is being interesting because it's the rise of Cardi

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Speaker 6: B and Meg the Stallion and now women have got

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Speaker 6: this this different kind of energy and you know, assertiveness

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Speaker 6: and everything.

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Speaker 4: But you know, a lot of them rich.

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Speaker 6: You know, every every song is about you gotta have money,

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Speaker 6: you gotta have this, you gotta have that, right, So

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Speaker 6: it's definitely affected it that way. But then we also

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Speaker 6: have the added layer of like a lot of multi

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Speaker 6: cultures in Toronto, so dating people of different cultures, different places,

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Speaker 6: lots of different kinds of thinking.

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Speaker 4: Right, there's relationships or dates.

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Speaker 6: You will go on with people who'll be like, yeah,

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Speaker 6: my parents are probably not okay with this, but then

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Speaker 6: you're like, so what are we doing? Yeah, like we're

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Speaker 6: starting something and then we got to go stress.

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Speaker 4: About it to your parents.

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Speaker 6: So yeah, yeah, that's really interesting.

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Speaker 1: And I don't know if the ladies have a different perspective,

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Speaker 1: but what's it out for me with what you're sharing.

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Speaker 2: Was the whole you know.

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Speaker 1: With the rise and the Caddi B's and the you.

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Speaker 2: Know, make a stallion. Would you say those are the.

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Speaker 1: Kind of women you're you're only coming across now, you

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Speaker 1: know from the sounds of it.

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Speaker 10: Okay, yeah, I thinkcial.

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Speaker 1: No, it's it's quite interesting that he mentioned that. Okay, firstly,

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Speaker 1: I don't live in Toronto. I will not call it

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Speaker 1: the sixth as I haven't told I don't live in Toronto,

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Speaker 1: so I don't know what it's like, but I know

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Speaker 1: a lot of people who are not Cardi B esque

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Speaker 1: or make this stallion is. I think Cardi B and

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Speaker 1: Meg the stallion give you that bde for a woman,

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Speaker 1: you know, like make you feel like, you know, stop

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Speaker 1: pining for the love, but rather I deserve what I want,

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Speaker 1: if that makes sense. But I think, yes, maybe on

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Speaker 1: the instagrams we see a lot of those kinds of women,

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Speaker 1: but I think there are a lot of other kind

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Speaker 1: of women. So or maybe you're attracted to the Cardi

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Speaker 1: Bs Meg.

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Speaker 3: I'm just I don't know, uh huh.

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Speaker 4: I just feel like I said I was a psychologies

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Speaker 4: chaired there.

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Speaker 6: No, no, no, I'm not saying the women having dancers

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Speaker 6: and they're dressing like Cardio or anything like that.

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Speaker 4: I'm saying, yeah, that energy is there now.

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Speaker 6: It's uh is this energy of like, yeah, we we

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Speaker 6: can have multiple boyfriends, we.

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Speaker 4: Can do this, we can you know, it's not getting.

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Speaker 3: Taste of what women have gone through for many centuries.

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Speaker 11: And I didn't preach girl, that's way we different because

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Speaker 11: in my circle the men have been I mean, look

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Speaker 11: at Cuisy.

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Speaker 4: The man explained dates to you. The man told you

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Speaker 4: what he was wearing, and then you're telling.

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Speaker 3: Exceptions exception exactly, thank you.

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Speaker 4: That's right there.

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Speaker 6: It's maybe Rumby who you were attracted to you, you.

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Speaker 3: Know, well back in the day. Listen to the other podcast.

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Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, I was gonna say, yes, have you got me?

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Speaker 3: I'll take the album one. Yeah.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: But the time from my traity to the thirties, things changed.

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Speaker 2: How did they change?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: How did they change?

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Speaker 4: I think?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you just start seeing yourself as a human. Like

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Speaker 1: so you're just like why am I playing these games?

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Speaker 3: Like what is this dodge bowl?

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Speaker 4: What?

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Speaker 3: You know? What I mean? Ping pong?

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Speaker 1: Like come on, you know, you just kind of really

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Speaker 1: think about life, like am I going to be stressed

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Speaker 1: all the time in a relationship? Like no, no one

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Speaker 1: wants do you give what I mean? I think that

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Speaker 1: clicked and I was tired of the guessing games of

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Speaker 1: the is he inter me?

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Speaker 3: Is he not? You know this idea of women are

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Speaker 3: supposed to compete for more.

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Speaker 1: A man, I'm like, no, I just want someone who's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I like you bet I'm going to chase us cuz

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Speaker 1: he so actually put you know, he knew what he

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Speaker 1: wanted in his wife, and he went after her, and

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Speaker 1: that's yeah, you just kind of.

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Speaker 3: I think mindset.

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Speaker 9: I think social media makes it tough though, because you

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Speaker 9: just got too much choice. So like I feel like

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Speaker 9: in our twenties, I don't know, maybe you guys were

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Speaker 9: using got so social media, but I think for us

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Speaker 9: it was mainly just like Facebook.

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Speaker 8: So I was like, okay, Facebook, meet up with your friends.

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Speaker 9: But then like you didn't have all these like dating

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Speaker 9: apps and these so, like you didn't have too much

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Speaker 9: temptation at your fingertips, so you could concentrate on getting

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Speaker 9: to know someone. You could concentrate on really getting to

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Speaker 9: dove into this person's psyche. Whereas now if someone bugs you,

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Speaker 9: you're like next swipe, you know, like it's so quick,

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Speaker 9: we don't invest anymore. And I think that's probably the

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Speaker 9: most that's changed between the twenties and the thirties. So

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Speaker 9: those looking for sunning serious, I have to really dig

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Speaker 9: to find someone else's looking for sunning serious because most people,

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Speaker 9: most people aren't.

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Speaker 1: Hate to say it again, I mean, there's a show

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Speaker 1: called Too Hard to Handle that just really depicts the

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Speaker 1: mindset that people generally go into dating with, you know,

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Speaker 1: but yeah, thanks guys, Cuzy, did you have something you

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Speaker 1: wanted to add?

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Speaker 7: Yeah, I guess I guess, you know, just hearing Rumby

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Speaker 7: and m and Debbie. I was fortunate, well, you know,

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Speaker 7: I was fortunate enough that I met my wife when

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Speaker 7: I was you know, I I was twenty two and

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Speaker 7: she was twenty and she saw me at my lowest

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Speaker 7: of law and my high so high. You know, we

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Speaker 7: both went through this journey delving into all the experiences

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Speaker 7: around what life was going to bring because at the

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Speaker 7: time when we got together, I was in my third

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Speaker 7: year and we you know, like deb we had those

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Speaker 7: days where me gorang noodles were all the things that

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Speaker 7: we didn't you know, me me go rang and baked beans,

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Speaker 7: you know, shout out to Heines tomorrow so as Heines

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Speaker 7: bag bean, you know, mixed it.

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Speaker 4: Outside, back it up.

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Speaker 7: But I guess, you know, so she was with me

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Speaker 7: where we went through this journey together where we were

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Speaker 7: trying to make ends meet, hustling the way we had

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Speaker 7: to hustle to get to where we're at. You know,

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Speaker 7: we finished university, we went through the whole process of

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Speaker 7: getting our full time jobs and doing all the stuff

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Speaker 7: that we were you know that we've been doing over

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Speaker 7: the last thirteen years together. So I guess having I

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Speaker 7: guess because of the long term relationship, I haven't really

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Speaker 7: then experienced the some of the challenges that like my

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Speaker 7: peers both male and female have have have encountered when

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Speaker 7: it comes to what the dating scene looks like. I mean,

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Speaker 7: as someone who's outside looking in, it's it's it's a cold,

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Speaker 7: cold world out there, you know. And I and I

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Speaker 7: actually relate to a lot of the stuff that Debbie says,

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Speaker 7: because you know, fortunate enough to be in Canada two

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Speaker 7: years ago and as a married man and seeing you know,

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Speaker 7: because I also then had you know, my w was

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Speaker 7: there and some of my other single friends who were

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Speaker 7: there around me and just looking at the you know,

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Speaker 7: the way the world is in that space, because I

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Speaker 7: guess I haven't really then been immersed in the dating world,

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Speaker 7: or should I say, the modern daying world where there's

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Speaker 7: all these different variables now and you know, like that,

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Speaker 7: he said, you know, you've got the CARDI b mindset,

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Speaker 7: you have the money mine my mindset. You know, you know,

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Speaker 7: you have a lot of things where women are also

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Speaker 7: now in a position where they're putting a checklist of

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Speaker 7: things where they're saying, ah, he has to earn six figures,

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Speaker 7: he needs to uh, you know, pay for dinner. He

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Speaker 7: needs to do this, he needs to buy me flowers.

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Speaker 7: And it's it's a suficious cycle out there, man.

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Speaker 8: You know, no, it's certainly is.

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Speaker 1: I can tell you, I can justify, thank you, thank

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Speaker 1: you for that perspective. And I'm honesty around, but I

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Speaker 1: don't know serious note uh someone I think it was

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Speaker 1: who actually mentioned social media.

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Speaker 2: So I just want to jump quickly into dating.

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Speaker 1: Apps because I mean, especially with Corona, that's how people

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Speaker 1: meet people maybe, and I'm interested in jents. Do you

443
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:32,840
Speaker 1: agree yay or nay? When it comes to meeting someone

444
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:33,520
Speaker 1: online dating?

445
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:35,520
Speaker 3: You know, what are you?

446
00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,200
Speaker 2: What are your expectations with regards to meeting someone?

447
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:42,760
Speaker 7: W Let me just add before you say what you

448
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:48,680
Speaker 7: need to say is the single I think, just as

449
00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,399
Speaker 7: I said, as someone who's outside looking in. And I

450
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:56,240
Speaker 7: guess because someone relationship for the last thirteen years dating apps.

451
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:59,160
Speaker 7: From what I've heard from my single friends, both male,

452
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:04,440
Speaker 7: female and people from different sexual orientations as well, right,

453
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:08,880
Speaker 7: it's pretty much their hook up sides. That's what I

454
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:12,840
Speaker 7: hear that it's just an opportunity for people to have,

455
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:18,760
Speaker 7: as I mentioned the word earlier, entanglements. I just think,

456
00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,600
Speaker 7: but there might be some and correct me if I'm wrong.

457
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:25,120
Speaker 7: There might be some where people have had success. I've

458
00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:28,680
Speaker 7: heard stories where people have used dating apps and there's

459
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:31,960
Speaker 7: been success. I know of two couples, really good friends

460
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:34,400
Speaker 7: of mine, who've been together for the last four years.

461
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:37,280
Speaker 7: One couple has a child together. So there's success in that.

462
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,760
Speaker 7: But there's also the you know the fact that some

463
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:42,600
Speaker 7: of them, a majority of the people that i know

464
00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:44,480
Speaker 7: outside of those two couples that I've just mentioned that

465
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:47,400
Speaker 7: actually use those sites for entanglements.

466
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:51,240
Speaker 1: Okay, fair enough, that's a I mean, that's a fair comment.

467
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:55,120
Speaker 1: I mean we've seen the retrich around Tinder for instance,

468
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:59,680
Speaker 1: and Grinder, you know, so, I mean I hear.

469
00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:04,160
Speaker 2: You come from daddy. I saw you shaking your head

470
00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:04,720
Speaker 2: of it there.

471
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:13,360
Speaker 4: I've I've been on all the dating sites. I've tried them.

472
00:27:13,359 --> 00:27:15,160
Speaker 4: Are you know for research?

473
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:20,199
Speaker 12: You know like that you know somebody's going to be

474
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:25,880
Speaker 12: out there to tell the people what's going Yeah, no, cuse,

475
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:28,920
Speaker 12: he's right, you kind of But dating apps they come

476
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:32,560
Speaker 12: in kind of different with different connotations, Like there's some

477
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:33,520
Speaker 12: that are kind.

478
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:36,720
Speaker 4: Of getting weeded out, like Tinder.

479
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:39,040
Speaker 6: Is pretty much becoming a just a hook up app,

480
00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:43,000
Speaker 6: but in certain cities actually it is actually still very

481
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:47,000
Speaker 6: very useful, so it's location based.

482
00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:48,760
Speaker 4: And also kind of the app that you are.

483
00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:53,280
Speaker 6: But in terms of the simple answer to the first question,

484
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:54,120
Speaker 6: yeay or nay.

485
00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:57,080
Speaker 4: Yeah, I've seen people I.

486
00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:58,920
Speaker 6: Have a lot of friends and that sort of thing

487
00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:03,680
Speaker 6: that they've come together and honestly, you can't even you

488
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:07,000
Speaker 6: couldn't even tell how they had not met or like

489
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:13,520
Speaker 6: the universe just brought them together, right, But personally, I

490
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:17,280
Speaker 6: think I still struggle with it, so my own reasons.

491
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:20,120
Speaker 6: I don't think I take them seriously enough even when

492
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:25,600
Speaker 6: I'm on them. So I'm working on it, Like you know,

493
00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:29,680
Speaker 6: I've talked to people about it, and I'm trying to

494
00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:31,280
Speaker 6: to take them a little bit more seriously.

495
00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:35,960
Speaker 2: But so you would you would prefer to meet someone organically,

496
00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:36,960
Speaker 2: is what I'm hearing you say.

497
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:40,960
Speaker 6: I would prefer to meet someone organically, but I also

498
00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:44,840
Speaker 6: like meeting people in different you know, and on dating.

499
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:49,120
Speaker 4: Apps there's a variety. There's less Cardi b esque people.

500
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:51,680
Speaker 6: I love you, though Cardi people will make it seem

501
00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:53,960
Speaker 6: like I don't like Cardy, but.

502
00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:58,680
Speaker 4: There's a there's just a difference. That's where it kind

503
00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:00,840
Speaker 4: of some very conservative people.

504
00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:02,760
Speaker 6: You know, you're not going to meet them out in

505
00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:07,080
Speaker 6: the club or out eating at a restaurant or anything

506
00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:10,040
Speaker 6: like that. There's some very conservative people that you never

507
00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:13,160
Speaker 6: would have crossed paths with unless you jump on these things.

508
00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:16,920
Speaker 4: So it's definitely broadens your range.

509
00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:21,760
Speaker 6: You have different discussions, but it also has its drawbacks

510
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:25,080
Speaker 6: so that some people they can text and chat it

511
00:29:25,160 --> 00:29:27,760
Speaker 6: up like, you know, the most interesting person, but then

512
00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:32,240
Speaker 6: when you sit face to face, it's almost like, yeah,

513
00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:35,800
Speaker 6: you know, doctor Jacob, mister Hyde, like what happened to

514
00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:39,040
Speaker 6: that energy that we were all working with before?

515
00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:39,360
Speaker 4: You know?

516
00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:43,080
Speaker 6: So and then you know, every guy, like you know,

517
00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:46,240
Speaker 6: girls are always complaining, you know, no hookup, no hookup.

518
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:48,640
Speaker 4: Guys should like the catfish.

519
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:50,600
Speaker 6: I think every guy's being kind of being hit with

520
00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:53,840
Speaker 6: the catfish or the angles and all these different things.

521
00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:57,520
Speaker 6: So like it's an interesting world, the dating world.

522
00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:03,680
Speaker 1: So the film and that makeup, you know, that makeup

523
00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:10,120
Speaker 1: that completely changes that person. Yeah, I know, that's that's cool,

524
00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:13,800
Speaker 1: and you know, I know the ladies actually sort of

525
00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:17,360
Speaker 1: touch on this in their episode again please do you

526
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:17,960
Speaker 1: check it out?

527
00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:21,560
Speaker 2: And it was interesting to hear their perspectives. But I

528
00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:25,520
Speaker 2: also wanted to to to understand.

529
00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:29,280
Speaker 1: How you guys feel there's been or do you feel

530
00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:32,200
Speaker 1: there's been a shift culturally and in society in terms

531
00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:37,400
Speaker 1: of expectations for the Black African woman in relationships or

532
00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:39,760
Speaker 1: and why why do you feel there is a shift

533
00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:43,600
Speaker 1: or not? You don't feel there isn't a shift, ladies,

534
00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:45,960
Speaker 1: So I'll ask you to to start this one off

535
00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:47,000
Speaker 1: for us.

536
00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:51,560
Speaker 3: Wouldn't be why are you looking at me? I answered?

537
00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:53,840
Speaker 3: The last one? Your turn?

538
00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:55,560
Speaker 8: You're always first? Okay.

539
00:30:56,640 --> 00:30:57,160
Speaker 4: I think.

540
00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:03,440
Speaker 9: I don't know if there's been a shift that I

541
00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:08,240
Speaker 9: have seen in terms of culturally, because I still think

542
00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:10,760
Speaker 9: even though our brothers know better.

543
00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:13,120
Speaker 3: They still don't do they do better?

544
00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:14,080
Speaker 8: Is the thing?

545
00:31:14,280 --> 00:31:20,680
Speaker 9: Yeah, I think it's really really hard because like diaspora

546
00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:24,560
Speaker 9: black African women, because when you go back home, it's

547
00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:27,160
Speaker 9: like you're expected to just go back to how it is,

548
00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:28,600
Speaker 9: like you know how it is. We don't want you

549
00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:31,320
Speaker 9: to come here with your new teachings, come and do

550
00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:34,200
Speaker 9: what's expected of you. So, yes, your husband's home, wash

551
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:37,000
Speaker 9: wash his hands. He doesn't help you with the dishes.

552
00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:37,640
Speaker 8: He doesn't.

553
00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:40,800
Speaker 9: So I feel like culturally there's a lot of work

554
00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:44,680
Speaker 9: that still needs to happen and our role hasn't really

555
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:48,240
Speaker 9: shifted too much. But society wise, I feel like we

556
00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:50,600
Speaker 9: do have more of a voice. I mean, there's platforms

557
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:53,400
Speaker 9: like this, this beautiful platform where we can actually see

558
00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:56,080
Speaker 9: and learn and hear different perspectives from each other.

559
00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:58,200
Speaker 8: And I think that's only going to get better.

560
00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:00,720
Speaker 9: So then I think eventually the culture I will then

561
00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:06,600
Speaker 9: follow that because on society does set culture, but is guys,

562
00:32:06,640 --> 00:32:09,680
Speaker 9: I feel like it's so tough because people are always

563
00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:13,200
Speaker 9: torn and then they choose not to fight whatever the

564
00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:16,240
Speaker 9: majority is at that time. So obviously, if you're back

565
00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:18,120
Speaker 9: home and everyone's saying she needs to do the dishes,

566
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:20,600
Speaker 9: your husband's not going to be fighting the frey to

567
00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:21,720
Speaker 9: be like no, no, no, I'll go.

568
00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:25,200
Speaker 8: And help her. He's just going to be chill. So

569
00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:26,320
Speaker 8: that's a problem for me.

570
00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:30,600
Speaker 1: Oh sure, yeah, And I mean I think that's it's

571
00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:34,640
Speaker 1: it's probably why women or black women, African women rather

572
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:39,640
Speaker 1: have so much that they're struggling with mentally and emotionally,

573
00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:43,920
Speaker 1: because like you're saying, it's shifting and in one aspect

574
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:47,240
Speaker 1: of life, you know, maybe societally, you're hearing all these things,

575
00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:51,240
Speaker 1: but then you go home and culturally things it's not

576
00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:55,080
Speaker 1: adding up, and it creates a conflict within and I

577
00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:59,280
Speaker 1: think unfortunately, especially if you are living outside of the

578
00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:02,960
Speaker 1: home coow like you a man of mentioned, living in

579
00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:05,960
Speaker 1: the diaspora or a way, you get to experience life

580
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:10,200
Speaker 1: outside of those restrictions and expectations and get to enjoy that,

581
00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:13,400
Speaker 1: but you still go home and there's still that. So

582
00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:16,680
Speaker 1: it is full and like within yourself, you're like, am

583
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:17,920
Speaker 1: I succumbing to pressure?

584
00:33:18,040 --> 00:33:21,280
Speaker 3: I thought I was stronger. I thought I was more independent.

585
00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:23,880
Speaker 1: I thought I had a voice, But then you also

586
00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:26,800
Speaker 1: know to pick your battles because there's gonna be other

587
00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:29,760
Speaker 1: things you need to deal with with within the society,

588
00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:34,040
Speaker 1: within family and all that. So I think it's really

589
00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:37,400
Speaker 1: layered in that way, and I don't I think the

590
00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:42,920
Speaker 1: status quo serves the BAM, the Black African man, and

591
00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:47,120
Speaker 1: so why would there be a drive to change that.

592
00:33:47,200 --> 00:33:50,000
Speaker 3: It's never been really against the man, it's always been

593
00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:51,720
Speaker 3: against the woman, and it.

594
00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:54,920
Speaker 1: Makes it you know, so if we're doing it alone already,

595
00:33:55,040 --> 00:33:57,240
Speaker 1: people are like, don't listen to women. Women need to

596
00:33:57,280 --> 00:33:59,560
Speaker 1: know their place, like so if there are no men

597
00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:02,960
Speaker 1: chat women, there isn't going to be a change.

598
00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:06,120
Speaker 3: And other women who are championing the status quo as well.

599
00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:07,480
Speaker 3: Let's not forget it's not only men.

600
00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:11,439
Speaker 1: It's actually probably women who instilled and maintain it more

601
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:15,680
Speaker 1: than men. And you know, going to a kitchen tea,

602
00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:19,000
Speaker 1: going to a bridal shower, you hear those those narratives

603
00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:22,000
Speaker 1: being regurgitated over and over again. It's actually women. We

604
00:34:22,719 --> 00:34:25,640
Speaker 1: drive it home, like we really make sure it's maintained.

605
00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:32,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure, because you wanted to say something.

606
00:34:32,880 --> 00:34:37,160
Speaker 7: Yeah, so so my wife, you know, she's you know,

607
00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:38,960
Speaker 7: for people that know my wife in this forum, you know,

608
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:43,120
Speaker 7: they know that she's a very pro gender role that

609
00:34:43,239 --> 00:34:47,719
Speaker 7: she's very passionate about, you know, breaking that barrier where

610
00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:51,920
Speaker 7: you know, I come from a traditional family, you know,

611
00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:58,200
Speaker 7: my traditional Manika family. Okay, my father was here two

612
00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:02,640
Speaker 7: years ago, and you know, living in the dash world,

613
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:05,759
Speaker 7: you know, she works, I work. At the end of

614
00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:08,640
Speaker 7: the day, we're both expected to then come back home

615
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:12,960
Speaker 7: and do the you know, the laundry, the vacuuming, the cleaning,

616
00:35:13,040 --> 00:35:15,480
Speaker 7: all that stuff. Right, I'm a firm believer of that

617
00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:20,000
Speaker 7: of things, because unlike back home, where you've got the help,

618
00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:22,040
Speaker 7: you know, in the you know, you've got the gardeners,

619
00:35:22,080 --> 00:35:24,480
Speaker 7: and you have the maids that do stuff up here

620
00:35:24,480 --> 00:35:27,239
Speaker 7: in the Dashblorard. That responsibility falls upon yourself and falls

621
00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:30,279
Speaker 7: upon your significant other. So it was interesting when my

622
00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:38,040
Speaker 7: parents for Christmas two years ago, and it was just

623
00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:42,759
Speaker 7: like my my friend like, what spell did you you

624
00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:47,040
Speaker 7: there's some like togolash that like you know that she

625
00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:49,239
Speaker 7: put in the side there that's making you do all

626
00:35:49,239 --> 00:35:51,520
Speaker 7: these things. And I'm saying to him, I was like, listen,

627
00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:54,839
Speaker 7: what what what what you do back home and what

628
00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:57,080
Speaker 7: we do back here, there's there's there's a there are

629
00:35:57,120 --> 00:36:00,239
Speaker 7: two different things, you know. And and I think it's

630
00:36:00,239 --> 00:36:05,040
Speaker 7: funny because even when we go home and you know,

631
00:36:05,239 --> 00:36:07,160
Speaker 7: let's say we go to my mother in law's house

632
00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:09,520
Speaker 7: and so I'll see my wife in the in the

633
00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:11,520
Speaker 7: kitchen like washing plates and I want to try and

634
00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:13,880
Speaker 7: help her. I'm actually told to get out and go

635
00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:15,520
Speaker 7: sit down and do what I have to do. So

636
00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:19,040
Speaker 7: I guess, you know, hearing what the ladies were just

637
00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:23,640
Speaker 7: saying right now, it's it's it's just one of those

638
00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:27,880
Speaker 7: battles that as as as we go through life, and

639
00:36:27,920 --> 00:36:31,080
Speaker 7: I guess us men, right, and I think myself in particular,

640
00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:33,080
Speaker 7: you know, I need to also then find the courage

641
00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:37,319
Speaker 7: to be able to break the status quo around what

642
00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:40,840
Speaker 7: genderles are then meant to be in, you know, with

643
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:42,400
Speaker 7: the difference with what you do in the dashclaw and

644
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:44,680
Speaker 7: what you do back home. But like when we said,

645
00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:48,360
Speaker 7: you also have to pick your battles because I'm a

646
00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:51,319
Speaker 7: firstborn child and I come as I said, I come

647
00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:54,640
Speaker 7: from a very traditional family. And you know, now I'm

648
00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:58,560
Speaker 7: now sort of balancing two cultures where being exposed to

649
00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:03,680
Speaker 7: all these pro feminist ideologies, right and and and trying

650
00:37:03,719 --> 00:37:08,200
Speaker 7: to then find the balance between what was imprinted upon

651
00:37:08,239 --> 00:37:12,839
Speaker 7: me during my formative years and trying to understand how

652
00:37:12,880 --> 00:37:16,120
Speaker 7: do I then carry the two cultures of what I

653
00:37:16,239 --> 00:37:18,560
Speaker 7: of what I've been exposed to with you know, Western

654
00:37:18,560 --> 00:37:21,680
Speaker 7: culture by living in Australia and then still trying to

655
00:37:21,719 --> 00:37:24,920
Speaker 7: stay embedded in my African side of you know, my

656
00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:27,799
Speaker 7: African roots and my traditional roots from back home. So

657
00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:33,400
Speaker 7: I guess there lies the battle on an ongoing basis

658
00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:36,840
Speaker 7: because you know, we go home, you know, I see,

659
00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:39,879
Speaker 7: like you know, other family members, whether it's my mom

660
00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:43,320
Speaker 7: or my or my aunt or you know, other family members,

661
00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:47,640
Speaker 7: female family members who are doing the things that us

662
00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:49,680
Speaker 7: as men up here that live in the dashplort are

663
00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:53,680
Speaker 7: trying to then also break that barrier too, and they

664
00:37:53,719 --> 00:37:55,600
Speaker 7: should be that. So yeah, it's it's a bit of

665
00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:58,680
Speaker 7: a conflict. But look, hopefully with time, you know, there

666
00:37:58,680 --> 00:38:04,200
Speaker 7: will be an opportunity for that mindset to evolve.

667
00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:05,120
Speaker 2: So the space.

668
00:38:05,160 --> 00:38:08,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I mean it sounds like basically you and

669
00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:12,120
Speaker 1: Rumby are saying the same thing. There is a war

670
00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:15,640
Speaker 1: that is going on. It may be different, different kind

671
00:38:15,680 --> 00:38:20,759
Speaker 1: of war, but it sounds like there is like a

672
00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:24,160
Speaker 1: two different voices speaking at the same time and trying

673
00:38:24,200 --> 00:38:27,239
Speaker 1: to find what really works for you. W Do you

674
00:38:27,280 --> 00:38:31,400
Speaker 1: have any any thoughts around this that haven't been mentioned.

675
00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:35,239
Speaker 4: Yeah, just a quick thought. Like, I guess my experience was.

676
00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:38,760
Speaker 6: A little different because I'm the youngest of three boys,

677
00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:41,920
Speaker 6: so I had to be kind of the de facto

678
00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:45,960
Speaker 6: girl and be helping my mom. My mom wasn't going

679
00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:48,720
Speaker 6: to be cleaning after the dudes all the time, so

680
00:38:49,360 --> 00:38:52,080
Speaker 6: I grew up washing the dishes. I grew up doing

681
00:38:52,160 --> 00:38:55,719
Speaker 6: like the I guess the more traditional roles that were

682
00:38:55,760 --> 00:38:58,000
Speaker 6: that way, So I think my parents kind of look

683
00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:01,880
Speaker 6: at it different. They're okay with sharing the burden because

684
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:08,160
Speaker 6: my mom she kind of had to have that help without.

685
00:39:10,920 --> 00:39:17,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, the women we need, absolutely, And I guess also

686
00:39:17,239 --> 00:39:21,080
Speaker 1: this is really helping us to see how it's our

687
00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:23,200
Speaker 1: turn now because we are going to have the children

688
00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:26,359
Speaker 1: and we are going to instill certain values, and what

689
00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:28,440
Speaker 1: are we what generation are we trying to to to

690
00:39:28,840 --> 00:39:31,680
Speaker 1: bring up. So I think it's great that we're having these,

691
00:39:31,840 --> 00:39:34,239
Speaker 1: you know, these conversations and thinking about it, but on

692
00:39:34,640 --> 00:39:35,400
Speaker 1: a deeper level.

693
00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:38,439
Speaker 2: So now I want to get into a bit more

694
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:45,200
Speaker 2: juicy question. We have not all.

695
00:39:45,080 --> 00:39:48,279
Speaker 1: Been with the person that we're currently with, right, we

696
00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:52,439
Speaker 1: can agree with that, and so meaning we have had

697
00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:54,040
Speaker 1: relationships that buttoned out.

698
00:39:54,719 --> 00:39:58,640
Speaker 2: And I'm really interested to.

699
00:39:58,719 --> 00:40:04,360
Speaker 1: Know what your experiences were with failed Dabby muted that

700
00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:05,319
Speaker 1: mic so quick.

701
00:40:06,719 --> 00:40:08,120
Speaker 8: It's like I got less.

702
00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:18,239
Speaker 1: Of what your experiences have been with failed relationships, you know,

703
00:40:18,280 --> 00:40:21,279
Speaker 1: with your ex'es, anything, any, anything that stood out for you.

704
00:40:21,719 --> 00:40:28,560
Speaker 3: Waste of time, don't don't come back girl, don't. Now

705
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:29,200
Speaker 3: I'm drinking im.

706
00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:32,719
Speaker 1: But it was a wasting time, but definitely taught me

707
00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:37,360
Speaker 1: a lot of what I don't want going forward. Learned

708
00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:41,160
Speaker 1: a lot of the same gonna work red flags.

709
00:40:43,239 --> 00:40:49,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, like I'll stop there for now, but yeah, a lot.

710
00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:53,279
Speaker 1: Of red flags, a lot of things that now, as

711
00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:55,160
Speaker 1: we're talking about going into my thirties, I was like,

712
00:40:55,239 --> 00:40:56,359
Speaker 1: you can't still be doing this.

713
00:40:56,480 --> 00:41:00,960
Speaker 3: I'm too I'm too old for this type of perspective. Yeah, okay,

714
00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:02,640
Speaker 3: so lessons learnt.

715
00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:06,560
Speaker 1: Yes, I was burnt, but I call a little less alert.

716
00:41:08,040 --> 00:41:10,280
Speaker 2: It can never be an episode without seeing.

717
00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:26,480
Speaker 10: And yeah, tough, I think, yeah, yeah, I think for me,

718
00:41:26,600 --> 00:41:29,719
Speaker 10: I think with x's is the potential, Like when you

719
00:41:29,719 --> 00:41:32,200
Speaker 10: meet someone, you really do start to think I'm a romantic.

720
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:33,879
Speaker 9: So then I started to think, oh my god, then

721
00:41:33,920 --> 00:41:36,120
Speaker 9: you know you're gonna walk down the aisle and you

722
00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:39,240
Speaker 9: know you've met she's my other half, and that whole

723
00:41:39,320 --> 00:41:43,319
Speaker 9: romantic notion. After going through a few relationships, I was like,

724
00:41:43,760 --> 00:41:49,680
Speaker 9: screw romantic comedies, screw romantics.

725
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:49,920
Speaker 2: And boone and all those things.

726
00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:53,960
Speaker 9: Brow then out, I think it actually it toughened me,

727
00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:56,759
Speaker 9: Like it really not that I'm not a romantic, but

728
00:41:56,800 --> 00:41:59,799
Speaker 9: now it's like underneath it all, you know, it's not

729
00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:03,319
Speaker 9: so open, it's not so it's like, yeah, it just

730
00:42:03,440 --> 00:42:06,080
Speaker 9: made me hard, and I think that's the thing that

731
00:42:06,239 --> 00:42:08,640
Speaker 9: just like sucks about it because it's like you open

732
00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:11,719
Speaker 9: yourself up right, and you make yourself vulnerable, and then

733
00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:15,160
Speaker 9: if someone doesn't do as you expect or whatever, it

734
00:42:15,239 --> 00:42:18,480
Speaker 9: just makes it worse for the next person because that

735
00:42:18,560 --> 00:42:21,600
Speaker 9: extra layer there where you're like, okay, I learned not

736
00:42:21,719 --> 00:42:23,600
Speaker 9: to do that, So I think for me, it took

737
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:26,440
Speaker 9: a long time, and thankfully my husband was very patient

738
00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:29,400
Speaker 9: with me to like uncover all those layers, because the

739
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:33,520
Speaker 9: time I met him in my late twenties, I was

740
00:42:33,800 --> 00:42:37,040
Speaker 9: done and done, done with dating and done with the disappointment,

741
00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:40,880
Speaker 9: and also society's expectation that by then you should be

742
00:42:40,880 --> 00:42:42,480
Speaker 9: like married with five kids, you know.

743
00:42:43,239 --> 00:42:48,120
Speaker 1: So yeah, no, yeah, definitely, And I have to agree

744
00:42:48,120 --> 00:42:50,160
Speaker 1: with you. I can relate with the whole because I'm

745
00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:54,920
Speaker 1: not definitely romantic, like the whole romantic movies and all

746
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:55,239
Speaker 1: of that.

747
00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:57,799
Speaker 2: Actually, there's a period I just stopped watching it. I

748
00:42:57,840 --> 00:43:01,400
Speaker 2: was just like, this is your sanity, your sonity?

749
00:43:01,440 --> 00:43:06,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, literally, like seriously, and I have to experience what

750
00:43:06,160 --> 00:43:06,520
Speaker 1: is it.

751
00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:09,880
Speaker 2: For me for myself, not what I'm seeing on the screens.

752
00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:15,239
Speaker 1: So I appreciate that a perspective chance, what's what's been

753
00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:16,360
Speaker 1: Yell's experience.

754
00:43:23,239 --> 00:43:29,319
Speaker 7: Look, I can't really sort of comment, like you know,

755
00:43:29,440 --> 00:43:32,879
Speaker 7: with gift in Like I said, I've been with one

756
00:43:32,920 --> 00:43:35,080
Speaker 7: person for the last thirteen years. But prior to that,

757
00:43:35,600 --> 00:43:37,960
Speaker 7: after I broke up with the girl that I was

758
00:43:37,960 --> 00:43:41,000
Speaker 7: doing a long distance relationship with. For me, and to

759
00:43:41,040 --> 00:43:43,760
Speaker 7: be really honest, it was all just about the physical

760
00:43:43,840 --> 00:43:46,240
Speaker 7: for me at that time, I was not looking for

761
00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:52,600
Speaker 7: anything meaningful. There was nothing a lot of the you know,

762
00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:55,400
Speaker 7: during that two year period after we broke up, it

763
00:43:55,440 --> 00:44:01,120
Speaker 7: was just entanglement after entanglement after entanglement for me, and

764
00:44:01,320 --> 00:44:05,319
Speaker 7: I guess I then got tired of that. And like

765
00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:06,920
Speaker 7: I said, you know, when I met my wife, there

766
00:44:07,000 --> 00:44:10,799
Speaker 7: was just something in me that just switched off where

767
00:44:10,840 --> 00:44:13,080
Speaker 7: I was like, yep, this is what I want to

768
00:44:13,120 --> 00:44:16,200
Speaker 7: chase after. And I think the chase was thrilling for

769
00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:19,920
Speaker 7: me because I guess it then laid the foundations for

770
00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:22,359
Speaker 7: her to then be like, Okay, you know this guy

771
00:44:22,480 --> 00:44:25,000
Speaker 7: has is putting in all this effort, let me give

772
00:44:25,080 --> 00:44:27,319
Speaker 7: him a shot. So I've been fortunate enough that she's

773
00:44:27,360 --> 00:44:29,400
Speaker 7: still been giving me a shot, you know, over the

774
00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:30,800
Speaker 7: last thirteen years.

775
00:44:31,600 --> 00:44:34,080
Speaker 2: Yes, But for.

776
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:36,600
Speaker 7: Me, over that that two year period, it was just

777
00:44:37,400 --> 00:44:39,640
Speaker 7: physical stuff that was more interested in.

778
00:44:40,360 --> 00:44:44,080
Speaker 2: So yeah, okay, so you you you you learned or

779
00:44:44,120 --> 00:44:48,080
Speaker 2: maybe not even learned, but you decided or the switch waight,

780
00:44:48,239 --> 00:44:54,239
Speaker 2: and I want something a bit more than yeah right cool?

781
00:44:56,680 --> 00:44:57,560
Speaker 4: Uh yeah.

782
00:44:57,560 --> 00:45:00,920
Speaker 5: I think it's echoing the girls mostly, like you get

783
00:45:00,920 --> 00:45:05,600
Speaker 5: a lot of lessons learned, and those lessons become triggers

784
00:45:05,719 --> 00:45:08,480
Speaker 5: or red flags for other people kind of like I

785
00:45:08,520 --> 00:45:09,160
Speaker 5: remember this.

786
00:45:09,200 --> 00:45:09,960
Speaker 4: Kind of energy.

787
00:45:10,080 --> 00:45:13,640
Speaker 6: I remember that, and it does your disservice right, because

788
00:45:13,800 --> 00:45:16,680
Speaker 6: you're now painting people with a brush that they don't deserve,

789
00:45:16,840 --> 00:45:19,759
Speaker 6: like okay, yeah, they didn't take you back the whole day.

790
00:45:19,800 --> 00:45:21,600
Speaker 6: Now you're like, my ex used to do that, and

791
00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:24,560
Speaker 6: that's when you know she was out there doing something else.

792
00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:28,080
Speaker 4: But you know, people are different. You gotta like that

793
00:45:28,200 --> 00:45:29,160
Speaker 4: is also true.

794
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:33,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, so and how do we how do we differentiate that?

795
00:45:33,320 --> 00:45:33,480
Speaker 3: Right?

796
00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:36,040
Speaker 1: What you bring up is a very good point because

797
00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:39,960
Speaker 1: I know I struggled with it where because of what

798
00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:42,759
Speaker 1: someone did in the past, I'm now putting it on

799
00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:46,640
Speaker 1: this person and how do you how do you make

800
00:45:46,719 --> 00:45:50,440
Speaker 1: that distinction that? Okay, girl, oh guy, you're being triggered

801
00:45:51,840 --> 00:45:52,640
Speaker 1: from any of you?

802
00:45:52,680 --> 00:45:53,120
Speaker 3: What do you?

803
00:45:53,160 --> 00:45:54,719
Speaker 2: What are you? What are you guys thoughts.

804
00:45:54,440 --> 00:45:58,600
Speaker 1: On that, Yeah, I think acknowledging the feeling and the

805
00:45:58,719 --> 00:46:02,040
Speaker 1: root of it of ignoring it or trying to.

806
00:46:03,440 --> 00:46:04,440
Speaker 3: Or discasting on it.

807
00:46:04,520 --> 00:46:07,120
Speaker 1: I think you have to be like, Okay, I'm starting

808
00:46:07,120 --> 00:46:11,399
Speaker 1: to feel a certain way. And also then removing the other,

809
00:46:11,800 --> 00:46:14,600
Speaker 1: this new person from the picture, do you get like

810
00:46:14,680 --> 00:46:18,319
Speaker 1: so you take them away in terms of like they

811
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:21,440
Speaker 1: are exactly the same as this person, but saying I

812
00:46:21,520 --> 00:46:24,640
Speaker 1: feel insecure about them.

813
00:46:24,239 --> 00:46:28,279
Speaker 3: Not responding to my texts. Why do I feel this way?

814
00:46:29,040 --> 00:46:32,920
Speaker 1: It's because then it feels like I'm stuck again in

815
00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:35,960
Speaker 1: that place where I never know for certain if this

816
00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:38,359
Speaker 1: person is only with me, if there are other people

817
00:46:38,440 --> 00:46:40,719
Speaker 1: in the picre and kind of going through that. And

818
00:46:40,800 --> 00:46:43,759
Speaker 1: sometimes it is having those conversations with this new person too.

819
00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:46,920
Speaker 1: It's saying I know it's me and I know you

820
00:46:46,960 --> 00:46:50,919
Speaker 1: probably didn't mean it, but when you don't text back

821
00:46:51,000 --> 00:46:54,000
Speaker 1: the whole day or not even like a yo, work

822
00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:56,839
Speaker 1: is crazy. Right now, I'll chat to you as soon

823
00:46:56,840 --> 00:46:59,959
Speaker 1: as I can. It leaves me feeling some type of way.

824
00:47:00,640 --> 00:47:03,440
Speaker 1: How can we come to an understanding of like meeting

825
00:47:03,480 --> 00:47:07,240
Speaker 1: each other in the middle, and hopefully if that person

826
00:47:07,400 --> 00:47:11,319
Speaker 1: is worth your time they will understand and come to

827
00:47:11,360 --> 00:47:14,080
Speaker 1: a meeting point. But you also can't now be expecting

828
00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:16,920
Speaker 1: you send a text, Homie told you I'm going to

829
00:47:16,920 --> 00:47:19,239
Speaker 1: be in a meeting from ten to twelve, and at

830
00:47:19,360 --> 00:47:22,840
Speaker 1: ten fifteen you send a message and expect a response

831
00:47:22,840 --> 00:47:23,600
Speaker 1: at ten fifteen.

832
00:47:23,680 --> 00:47:24,399
Speaker 3: You get what I mean?

833
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:29,759
Speaker 1: So, oh, you're waiting at twelve o'clock, Yes, exactly, So

834
00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:33,040
Speaker 1: you need to come to like you give room for that.

835
00:47:34,040 --> 00:47:39,160
Speaker 1: So it has to do and also understanding, like like

836
00:47:39,280 --> 00:47:42,040
Speaker 1: it might be just once and when you have a conversation,

837
00:47:42,200 --> 00:47:45,319
Speaker 1: if you see a change or a desire to kind

838
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:47,759
Speaker 1: of meet you halfway, give them credit for that. They're

839
00:47:47,800 --> 00:47:50,040
Speaker 1: always going to get it right. But then if it

840
00:47:50,080 --> 00:47:53,279
Speaker 1: becomes an ongoing and still problematic, then that's an arm.

841
00:47:53,320 --> 00:47:54,120
Speaker 3: Do you get what I mean?

842
00:47:54,239 --> 00:47:56,719
Speaker 2: So, yeah, this is a little bit to do. It's

843
00:47:56,760 --> 00:47:59,000
Speaker 2: a great response. I don't know if anyone else has

844
00:47:59,040 --> 00:48:00,480
Speaker 2: anything add to that.

845
00:48:01,640 --> 00:48:04,399
Speaker 9: I think it does require a lot of emotional intelligence

846
00:48:04,520 --> 00:48:08,120
Speaker 9: and I think space between your relationships because then you

847
00:48:08,200 --> 00:48:11,720
Speaker 9: need to grieve and sort that stuff out before hopefully

848
00:48:11,800 --> 00:48:14,640
Speaker 9: before the next person. I mean sometimes some stuff just

849
00:48:14,640 --> 00:48:17,640
Speaker 9: comes up as you go. But like you know, like

850
00:48:17,800 --> 00:48:19,520
Speaker 9: if you find yourself a lot of times going this

851
00:48:19,600 --> 00:48:21,200
Speaker 9: like my exes, like my ex is like my ex.

852
00:48:21,360 --> 00:48:23,560
Speaker 9: Maybe you need to actually take some time and sort

853
00:48:23,600 --> 00:48:26,279
Speaker 9: that out first before because as much as you can

854
00:48:26,520 --> 00:48:29,040
Speaker 9: tell someone what's going on, you also don't want to

855
00:48:29,040 --> 00:48:32,000
Speaker 9: tell someone who's new in a relationship. You're constantly thinking

856
00:48:32,120 --> 00:48:35,000
Speaker 9: about problems you had with your ex. You know, those

857
00:48:35,040 --> 00:48:37,680
Speaker 9: first few months are quite crucial. You wanted to be

858
00:48:37,719 --> 00:48:41,200
Speaker 9: about the two of you, so ish, I think, yeah,

859
00:48:41,280 --> 00:48:43,120
Speaker 9: you also might need to actually do some work on

860
00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:46,080
Speaker 9: yourself before you want the next relationship.

861
00:48:46,719 --> 00:48:50,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, I like that, that's true. Okay, cool.

862
00:48:51,239 --> 00:48:57,439
Speaker 1: So you know, I think on that point of, you know, experiencing,

863
00:48:58,800 --> 00:49:02,720
Speaker 1: they're not so delight full sight of a relationship because

864
00:49:02,719 --> 00:49:05,360
Speaker 1: there's we all know, there's honeymoon, and then they struggle

865
00:49:05,360 --> 00:49:07,440
Speaker 1: with a power struggle I think they called paws struggle phase,

866
00:49:07,440 --> 00:49:09,919
Speaker 1: and then that's when the relationship starts to get really

867
00:49:09,920 --> 00:49:13,000
Speaker 1: really serious and people generally.

868
00:49:12,719 --> 00:49:16,360
Speaker 2: Struggle to get past that power struggle phase.

869
00:49:16,200 --> 00:49:21,520
Speaker 1: Sometimes, but you're going to reach a point where you

870
00:49:21,680 --> 00:49:25,920
Speaker 1: see something or experience something in your partner that may

871
00:49:25,960 --> 00:49:31,680
Speaker 1: be different or challenging. So maybe you see them angry, drunk,

872
00:49:33,320 --> 00:49:36,080
Speaker 1: maybe they go broke. You see how they handle money.

873
00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:40,799
Speaker 1: You know, they lose confidence in a situation. And you know,

874
00:49:42,120 --> 00:49:45,719
Speaker 1: just based on your experiences and relationships, how how would

875
00:49:45,719 --> 00:49:48,560
Speaker 1: you say you handled that, you know, whether it's your

876
00:49:48,600 --> 00:49:51,920
Speaker 1: current partners or you know, experience that you had before.

877
00:49:53,000 --> 00:49:54,160
Speaker 3: I want to hear from Kuzie.

878
00:49:54,719 --> 00:49:56,640
Speaker 1: He's been through this longer than the rest of us,

879
00:49:56,680 --> 00:49:59,560
Speaker 1: because hey, give us the tips right needs to be.

880
00:50:02,000 --> 00:50:05,160
Speaker 7: Look, you know, and once again I'll just use I

881
00:50:05,160 --> 00:50:08,360
Speaker 7: think the fact that I've been in a long term relationship,

882
00:50:08,520 --> 00:50:12,520
Speaker 7: you know, sort of gives me some license I suppose

883
00:50:12,560 --> 00:50:17,640
Speaker 7: to answer that because you know, like you're right, the

884
00:50:17,680 --> 00:50:20,440
Speaker 7: honeymoon phase is there, you know, I think for us,

885
00:50:20,520 --> 00:50:23,239
Speaker 7: for my wife and I for the first I would

886
00:50:23,280 --> 00:50:27,960
Speaker 7: say four years, honeymoon phase was good. And then in

887
00:50:28,000 --> 00:50:33,120
Speaker 7: the year four the year before proposed you get comfortable, right,

888
00:50:33,360 --> 00:50:37,439
Speaker 7: so you then stop doing the things that you did

889
00:50:37,520 --> 00:50:39,840
Speaker 7: at the beginning because you're like, I've got this person,

890
00:50:40,000 --> 00:50:42,479
Speaker 7: so ah, it is what it is. And then you

891
00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:45,759
Speaker 7: you're not You're not you're not so cognizant of the

892
00:50:45,800 --> 00:50:48,759
Speaker 7: stuff that you were doing back then because once you

893
00:50:48,800 --> 00:50:52,040
Speaker 7: get into routine and once you get into just that

894
00:50:52,400 --> 00:50:56,400
Speaker 7: you know that comfort, you then lose sight of the

895
00:50:56,800 --> 00:51:00,960
Speaker 7: main reasons why you're actually with this person. So I remember,

896
00:51:01,160 --> 00:51:03,200
Speaker 7: you know, back in twenty twelve, like after four years

897
00:51:03,239 --> 00:51:05,239
Speaker 7: being together, like there was a stage where my wife

898
00:51:05,320 --> 00:51:07,160
Speaker 7: was saying to me, you know, and we're still dating

899
00:51:07,160 --> 00:51:08,560
Speaker 7: at that time, that she didn't want to be with me.

900
00:51:08,680 --> 00:51:12,120
Speaker 7: And you know, we went through a process where we

901
00:51:12,120 --> 00:51:14,880
Speaker 7: were actually now considering whether or not this was something

902
00:51:14,920 --> 00:51:17,319
Speaker 7: that we wanted to do. And I guess for me,

903
00:51:17,480 --> 00:51:22,359
Speaker 7: I had to get out of that mindset of being

904
00:51:22,400 --> 00:51:24,759
Speaker 7: too comfortable and understanding that when you in a relationship

905
00:51:25,239 --> 00:51:27,360
Speaker 7: you have to keep working and keep building on the

906
00:51:27,360 --> 00:51:30,280
Speaker 7: foundations of what you built initially when you first start

907
00:51:30,360 --> 00:51:33,960
Speaker 7: being together with that person. So, you know, I got

908
00:51:33,960 --> 00:51:37,759
Speaker 7: out of that rut, and I guess after that, I

909
00:51:37,840 --> 00:51:41,880
Speaker 7: then spent another nine months then really like showing her

910
00:51:41,920 --> 00:51:43,839
Speaker 7: that this is what I wanted, and I guess that

911
00:51:43,880 --> 00:51:46,879
Speaker 7: then led to my decision to saying yes, I want

912
00:51:46,920 --> 00:51:49,879
Speaker 7: to propose and I want to be with her. Once

913
00:51:49,920 --> 00:51:54,600
Speaker 7: we then got married, we you know, and in our marriage,

914
00:51:54,640 --> 00:51:58,160
Speaker 7: like you still have to keep working and keep putting

915
00:51:58,200 --> 00:52:02,960
Speaker 7: all the blocks because ever stop, you never stop putting

916
00:52:03,000 --> 00:52:06,120
Speaker 7: effort into all aspects of your dynamic with your person,

917
00:52:06,200 --> 00:52:09,120
Speaker 7: you know, and you know, there have been times where

918
00:52:09,280 --> 00:52:11,000
Speaker 7: we've you know, we've had our ups and we've had

919
00:52:11,000 --> 00:52:15,200
Speaker 7: our downs. And I guess if I think for my

920
00:52:15,280 --> 00:52:18,279
Speaker 7: wife in particular, right, you know, once I understood that

921
00:52:18,520 --> 00:52:21,440
Speaker 7: her love language was stuff around quality time and acts

922
00:52:21,440 --> 00:52:25,800
Speaker 7: of service, I then mentally and consciously started telling myself,

923
00:52:25,800 --> 00:52:28,759
Speaker 7: I need to keep putting all or you know, I

924
00:52:28,760 --> 00:52:31,560
Speaker 7: need to keep feeling love tank right to ensure that

925
00:52:32,520 --> 00:52:34,640
Speaker 7: she's still aligned to me and I'm aligned to her.

926
00:52:35,360 --> 00:52:37,640
Speaker 7: And I think, you know, it's also good to also

927
00:52:37,800 --> 00:52:41,600
Speaker 7: get counsel from other people as well, because I'm also

928
00:52:41,640 --> 00:52:44,960
Speaker 7: a firm believer that even though we've been together for

929
00:52:45,080 --> 00:52:48,439
Speaker 7: thirteen years, you still need to also be doing other

930
00:52:48,520 --> 00:52:52,440
Speaker 7: things outside of your dynamic with that person to enhance

931
00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:56,040
Speaker 7: the relationship. So we've done marriage counseling as well before,

932
00:52:56,360 --> 00:52:59,000
Speaker 7: and I found that when you do that, it actually

933
00:52:59,040 --> 00:53:02,920
Speaker 7: gives you the tools right to keep making sure that

934
00:53:03,040 --> 00:53:05,759
Speaker 7: you're you're putting each other first and center when it

935
00:53:05,800 --> 00:53:08,359
Speaker 7: comes to everything to do with your dynamic with each other.

936
00:53:08,480 --> 00:53:11,360
Speaker 7: And if there's something that I can just sort of

937
00:53:11,360 --> 00:53:17,400
Speaker 7: put out there, compromise and communication are really really important

938
00:53:17,520 --> 00:53:20,800
Speaker 7: because if you don't know, like you know, with regards

939
00:53:20,840 --> 00:53:23,759
Speaker 7: to communication, you know, if you if you're not in

940
00:53:23,760 --> 00:53:26,800
Speaker 7: a position where you can actually speak to your significant

941
00:53:26,840 --> 00:53:29,920
Speaker 7: other and tell them what it is that's bothering you,

942
00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:31,839
Speaker 7: what it is that's annoying you, and if you end

943
00:53:31,920 --> 00:53:36,120
Speaker 7: up now just suffering in silence, you're actually doing you're

944
00:53:36,120 --> 00:53:39,360
Speaker 7: actually like hindering the process of actually trying to ensure

945
00:53:39,360 --> 00:53:42,000
Speaker 7: that you continue to be with that person. And compromise

946
00:53:42,080 --> 00:53:45,799
Speaker 7: is also quite important as well. So that's something that

947
00:53:45,840 --> 00:53:47,920
Speaker 7: my wife and I and I've been fortunate enough that

948
00:53:47,960 --> 00:53:52,960
Speaker 7: we're both direct, We're both very explicit when it comes

949
00:53:53,000 --> 00:53:56,080
Speaker 7: to our communication. And I think if you have that

950
00:53:56,200 --> 00:54:02,440
Speaker 7: dynamic with your person, then and the world's alwayster so

951
00:54:02,520 --> 00:54:02,839
Speaker 7: to speak.

952
00:54:02,920 --> 00:54:09,000
Speaker 13: So yeah, because he's spitting those babe bar the mic

953
00:54:09,520 --> 00:54:15,080
Speaker 13: put a beat on it. Hey, Hey sorry, okay, absolutely.

954
00:54:14,520 --> 00:54:17,200
Speaker 2: No, he is man taking notes.

955
00:54:20,160 --> 00:54:22,960
Speaker 9: And you touched on something that I think is very important,

956
00:54:23,120 --> 00:54:30,200
Speaker 9: especially in black relationships therapy therapy. Yes, we have trauma.

957
00:54:30,440 --> 00:54:34,160
Speaker 9: We have trauma. We have trauma. We live in places

958
00:54:34,200 --> 00:54:36,359
Speaker 9: that are not people who are not living at home,

959
00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:39,759
Speaker 9: that are not really welcoming. They might not really want

960
00:54:39,840 --> 00:54:41,919
Speaker 9: us to be on top, they might not really want.

961
00:54:41,960 --> 00:54:44,480
Speaker 9: Like we're dealing with so much, and even what Rumby

962
00:54:44,560 --> 00:54:47,279
Speaker 9: and Dabby talked about, like balancing both you know, the

963
00:54:47,320 --> 00:54:51,239
Speaker 9: culture society. We have so much we're dealing with before

964
00:54:51,239 --> 00:54:52,399
Speaker 9: we even step out the door.

965
00:54:52,880 --> 00:54:54,319
Speaker 8: So then when you come home.

966
00:54:54,120 --> 00:54:57,839
Speaker 9: And it's also a war zone, it's just like no, no,

967
00:54:57,840 --> 00:55:00,480
Speaker 9: no no, I'm already fighting these peeps out there the streets.

968
00:55:00,520 --> 00:55:02,400
Speaker 9: I don't need to be fighting in my home, in

969
00:55:02,400 --> 00:55:06,879
Speaker 9: my sanctuary. And I think we have dismissed therapy for

970
00:55:06,920 --> 00:55:09,040
Speaker 9: so long, and like that's why there's roles and at

971
00:55:09,560 --> 00:55:12,040
Speaker 9: nasiku in a shana background.

972
00:55:12,080 --> 00:55:13,760
Speaker 8: But obviously every culture has.

973
00:55:13,600 --> 00:55:17,120
Speaker 9: Their own, but like there, they were there back in

974
00:55:17,160 --> 00:55:21,000
Speaker 9: those days for reasons, and I think we've lost that somewhat.

975
00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:23,520
Speaker 9: And now, of course you can go to therapy, you

976
00:55:23,560 --> 00:55:26,160
Speaker 9: can go and get help, but it's so crucial that

977
00:55:26,200 --> 00:55:30,359
Speaker 9: we do that work as a couple, as individuals and

978
00:55:30,520 --> 00:55:33,040
Speaker 9: as black people, Like we really have done with a

979
00:55:33,080 --> 00:55:36,080
Speaker 9: lot that we just frush aside, and it comes across

980
00:55:36,120 --> 00:55:38,080
Speaker 9: in our relationships and how we treat each other.

981
00:55:38,920 --> 00:55:39,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, Couzie.

982
00:55:41,280 --> 00:55:43,600
Speaker 7: Just to expand on what Amanda has just said, like

983
00:55:43,920 --> 00:55:49,520
Speaker 7: you know, there I was very anti marriage, marriage counseling,

984
00:55:49,560 --> 00:55:53,440
Speaker 7: marriage therapy all. I was anti that stuff because you know,

985
00:55:53,520 --> 00:55:56,760
Speaker 7: once again, it's all part of that, all that socialization

986
00:55:57,040 --> 00:56:00,920
Speaker 7: from you know, back home where you you then lean

987
00:56:01,000 --> 00:56:04,239
Speaker 7: on the tetas and you know, the my gurus or

988
00:56:04,280 --> 00:56:06,920
Speaker 7: you know, the aunties and all that stuff. But I

989
00:56:07,000 --> 00:56:09,520
Speaker 7: was anti that because to me, I was then thinking, well,

990
00:56:09,520 --> 00:56:12,200
Speaker 7: if we're going down this pathway, then it means you know,

991
00:56:12,480 --> 00:56:16,440
Speaker 7: we're having issues, there's trouble. But I've actually found that

992
00:56:16,760 --> 00:56:22,799
Speaker 7: therapy has actually given my wife and tools to be

993
00:56:22,880 --> 00:56:25,000
Speaker 7: able to navigate things around, whether it's to do with

994
00:56:25,239 --> 00:56:28,719
Speaker 7: our financial situation or things to do because like my

995
00:56:28,719 --> 00:56:31,759
Speaker 7: wife and I, we don't have kids, so delving into

996
00:56:31,800 --> 00:56:34,120
Speaker 7: that as well, because that also adds another layer of

997
00:56:34,200 --> 00:56:38,680
Speaker 7: pressure from a traditional perspective as well, around how we've

998
00:56:38,719 --> 00:56:40,759
Speaker 7: been together for thirteen years, but how is it that

999
00:56:40,800 --> 00:56:43,720
Speaker 7: you guys don't have kids kind of things. So it

1000
00:56:43,760 --> 00:56:46,319
Speaker 7: then adds an opportunity for us to navigate through that,

1001
00:56:46,640 --> 00:56:51,520
Speaker 7: or we can navigate relationships with our parents, or relationships

1002
00:56:51,520 --> 00:56:54,799
Speaker 7: with our friends, or relationships with work colleagues. All that

1003
00:56:54,840 --> 00:56:58,040
Speaker 7: stuff gives us a platform to be able to then

1004
00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:03,160
Speaker 7: deal with together because it's a journey that we want together,

1005
00:57:03,200 --> 00:57:05,120
Speaker 7: her and I and I want her to be aligned

1006
00:57:05,160 --> 00:57:07,040
Speaker 7: to me as much as I know she wants me

1007
00:57:07,120 --> 00:57:08,040
Speaker 7: to be aligned to her.

1008
00:57:08,200 --> 00:57:14,320
Speaker 2: So yeah, yeah, definitely I love that crazy doing the things.

1009
00:57:18,120 --> 00:57:20,080
Speaker 4: Yeah no, this is not my space. This is on

1010
00:57:20,240 --> 00:57:25,360
Speaker 4: crasy for a reason. Out.

1011
00:57:25,440 --> 00:57:30,240
Speaker 6: Yeah, you know, I have I think for me personally,

1012
00:57:30,280 --> 00:57:33,120
Speaker 6: like I'm I trify myself to be pretty kind of

1013
00:57:33,120 --> 00:57:37,080
Speaker 6: self aware, so I know that I usually do reject

1014
00:57:37,240 --> 00:57:40,600
Speaker 6: very early on whenever I smell something that's too much

1015
00:57:40,720 --> 00:57:45,520
Speaker 6: work for me, So working on it. But yeah, no,

1016
00:57:45,640 --> 00:57:49,920
Speaker 6: it's definitely something that is there. And I have have

1017
00:57:50,040 --> 00:57:53,880
Speaker 6: some very controversial views on certain things. Like I tell

1018
00:57:53,920 --> 00:57:56,000
Speaker 6: people I'll never tell my wife how much I make.

1019
00:57:56,800 --> 00:57:57,520
Speaker 6: They say it's not.

1020
00:57:58,720 --> 00:58:03,040
Speaker 2: Please please please do into that please? Why why not

1021
00:58:03,600 --> 00:58:04,280
Speaker 2: your wife?

1022
00:58:05,000 --> 00:58:06,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, we are listening.

1023
00:58:07,280 --> 00:58:11,240
Speaker 4: She has the money. I have my money, right, okay.

1024
00:58:11,200 --> 00:58:13,160
Speaker 2: But you don't know how much she's making.

1025
00:58:14,400 --> 00:58:16,280
Speaker 4: I don't need to Why why would I need to

1026
00:58:16,320 --> 00:58:17,440
Speaker 4: know how much she's making?

1027
00:58:17,720 --> 00:58:21,880
Speaker 3: But you're running a household. Yeah yeah, you're running her

1028
00:58:21,960 --> 00:58:22,720
Speaker 3: life together.

1029
00:58:23,000 --> 00:58:26,280
Speaker 4: No no, yeah, we're running her life together.

1030
00:58:27,440 --> 00:58:31,800
Speaker 8: So she can know Cavia or we need to know that.

1031
00:58:33,680 --> 00:58:35,880
Speaker 4: If I'm making the money. Is that what you're saying?

1032
00:58:36,160 --> 00:58:36,360
Speaker 4: You know.

1033
00:58:37,880 --> 00:58:39,200
Speaker 3: That it helps when.

1034
00:58:39,040 --> 00:58:43,160
Speaker 1: You come together and also so I know know the limits,

1035
00:58:43,200 --> 00:58:47,000
Speaker 1: Like yes, you know? Then because can I say something

1036
00:58:47,080 --> 00:58:49,280
Speaker 1: Zabby you were talking about Caddy b and make the

1037
00:58:49,320 --> 00:58:51,120
Speaker 1: Stallion chicks wanting money right.

1038
00:58:52,640 --> 00:58:57,480
Speaker 3: They don't know like where your limit is.

1039
00:58:57,720 --> 00:58:59,560
Speaker 1: They're like, oh, he's gonna find a way, and then

1040
00:58:59,600 --> 00:59:03,280
Speaker 1: they put pressure because there's no context of like this

1041
00:59:03,320 --> 00:59:04,240
Speaker 1: is unrealistic.

1042
00:59:04,360 --> 00:59:08,400
Speaker 3: Come on, girlfriend. Obviously I'm simplifying the thing.

1043
00:59:08,320 --> 00:59:11,640
Speaker 1: But I'm just saying like it also helps create those

1044
00:59:11,680 --> 00:59:14,400
Speaker 1: sort of boundaries or like if we want this, there

1045
00:59:14,440 --> 00:59:16,479
Speaker 1: are things we need to work towards, Like we've got

1046
00:59:16,480 --> 00:59:18,680
Speaker 1: to work towards it's safe together for it, do you

1047
00:59:18,760 --> 00:59:19,360
Speaker 1: know what I mean?

1048
00:59:19,960 --> 00:59:22,160
Speaker 3: And then ye don't you feel.

1049
00:59:21,960 --> 00:59:24,360
Speaker 1: It creates a level of like what's yours is yours's

1050
00:59:24,400 --> 00:59:25,040
Speaker 1: mine as mine?

1051
00:59:25,040 --> 00:59:26,920
Speaker 3: And then it's easy to be like I'm out peace.

1052
00:59:28,520 --> 00:59:31,240
Speaker 6: No, it's it's it's not what yours is yours or

1053
00:59:31,240 --> 00:59:34,240
Speaker 6: what's mine is mine? I think through communication you should

1054
00:59:34,240 --> 00:59:36,880
Speaker 6: know your boundaries, right, Like you get to know each

1055
00:59:36,880 --> 00:59:38,960
Speaker 6: other like do you have extensive taste or do you

1056
00:59:39,040 --> 00:59:39,400
Speaker 6: have this?

1057
00:59:39,600 --> 00:59:42,160
Speaker 4: Or do you have that? You'll get to know each other,

1058
00:59:42,240 --> 00:59:44,920
Speaker 4: like you know, going on dates and that sort of thing.

1059
00:59:44,960 --> 00:59:46,560
Speaker 4: You don't know how much a guy makes when you're

1060
00:59:46,600 --> 00:59:47,760
Speaker 4: going on dates, right.

1061
00:59:48,760 --> 00:59:50,040
Speaker 2: No, but when he's my husband.

1062
00:59:50,280 --> 00:59:55,280
Speaker 6: Yeah, but on your first date you don't know how

1063
00:59:55,360 --> 00:59:55,919
Speaker 6: much you makes.

1064
00:59:56,160 --> 00:59:58,960
Speaker 1: But then now she's expecting a blit the rock like

1065
00:59:59,000 --> 00:59:59,800
Speaker 1: that takes the whole thing.

1066
01:00:00,080 --> 01:00:01,840
Speaker 3: Like, girl, it ain't that kind of putty like do

1067
01:00:01,920 --> 01:00:05,520
Speaker 3: you know what I mean? Like it helps save you.

1068
01:00:04,600 --> 01:00:08,440
Speaker 6: I hear everything you're saying, right, but it's it's one

1069
01:00:08,480 --> 01:00:11,840
Speaker 6: of those you could still navigate it through communication without

1070
01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:15,800
Speaker 6: having to go into details or anything.

1071
01:00:15,360 --> 01:00:17,440
Speaker 8: Of that sort, right, Like.

1072
01:00:18,400 --> 01:00:21,320
Speaker 4: I think money just creates more problems.

1073
01:00:21,400 --> 01:00:23,760
Speaker 6: Okay, if you find out now that I'm super rich,

1074
01:00:24,120 --> 01:00:26,320
Speaker 6: all of a sudden, you're changing your spending habits.

1075
01:00:26,680 --> 01:00:37,160
Speaker 12: Next thing, I know, I'll.

1076
01:00:33,360 --> 01:00:36,320
Speaker 4: Come before what what?

1077
01:00:35,480 --> 01:00:35,640
Speaker 1: Why?

1078
01:00:36,320 --> 01:00:37,480
Speaker 6: Why was it between?

1079
01:00:39,160 --> 01:00:39,840
Speaker 3: And now? It's not?

1080
01:00:40,720 --> 01:00:41,120
Speaker 2: Level up?

1081
01:00:41,640 --> 01:00:42,080
Speaker 3: Level up?

1082
01:00:42,200 --> 01:00:48,120
Speaker 8: But don't you want me to look good about your girlfriends?

1083
01:00:48,200 --> 01:00:49,880
Speaker 8: I'm talking about your life?

1084
01:00:51,320 --> 01:00:54,400
Speaker 4: Really understand who you guys are talking about. I'm not

1085
01:00:54,400 --> 01:00:55,960
Speaker 4: saying I'm not going to I'm not.

1086
01:00:56,160 --> 01:00:58,040
Speaker 6: Just because she doesn't know how much I make doesn't

1087
01:00:58,080 --> 01:01:01,840
Speaker 6: mean I'm not going to level up.

1088
01:01:00,400 --> 01:01:06,440
Speaker 9: Up, but you know how much you could have gone.

1089
01:01:04,280 --> 01:01:07,200
Speaker 4: For that's the problem.

1090
01:01:07,400 --> 01:01:09,640
Speaker 6: It's one of those Now I give you a gift

1091
01:01:09,680 --> 01:01:12,560
Speaker 6: and you're like, but you couldn't put me why did

1092
01:01:12,560 --> 01:01:13,280
Speaker 6: you buy this?

1093
01:01:13,480 --> 01:01:16,280
Speaker 4: Now I'm in this situation where I'm like, I'm not

1094
01:01:17,440 --> 01:01:19,040
Speaker 4: outside my boundaries.

1095
01:01:19,600 --> 01:01:24,280
Speaker 1: I'm interested to know where this comes from, because this

1096
01:01:24,360 --> 01:01:25,240
Speaker 1: is coming from a place.

1097
01:01:25,320 --> 01:01:27,000
Speaker 2: It just sounds like from.

1098
01:01:27,400 --> 01:01:30,320
Speaker 1: A place like I feel like you are scared of

1099
01:01:30,480 --> 01:01:34,640
Speaker 1: money being weapon knife against you instead of being just

1100
01:01:34,760 --> 01:01:38,600
Speaker 1: a tool that you use within a relationship to go

1101
01:01:38,640 --> 01:01:39,080
Speaker 1: a where.

1102
01:01:38,960 --> 01:01:39,800
Speaker 3: Or going you know.

1103
01:01:40,600 --> 01:01:42,480
Speaker 2: That's why I'm asking where is it coming from?

1104
01:01:42,520 --> 01:01:45,800
Speaker 1: Because it's maybe something you've seen or experienced, or you

1105
01:01:45,840 --> 01:01:48,160
Speaker 1: know you're willing to share.

1106
01:01:49,240 --> 01:01:53,920
Speaker 4: You know, I'm a very open person. Unfortunately, it's not

1107
01:01:54,000 --> 01:01:55,680
Speaker 4: as deep as people are thinking it is.

1108
01:01:56,400 --> 01:02:00,760
Speaker 6: That I was in a similar argument with a couple

1109
01:02:00,800 --> 01:02:04,040
Speaker 6: of friends. We were talking about this, so it's a

1110
01:02:04,080 --> 01:02:06,640
Speaker 6: new concept for me too, and I was like, yo,

1111
01:02:06,720 --> 01:02:09,320
Speaker 6: but why why do we share this information?

1112
01:02:09,520 --> 01:02:09,600
Speaker 7: Like?

1113
01:02:09,680 --> 01:02:09,880
Speaker 1: You know?

1114
01:02:10,440 --> 01:02:13,560
Speaker 6: Like what does it does it add to a relationship?

1115
01:02:13,880 --> 01:02:16,880
Speaker 6: Was my big thing, Like you knowing how much I make,

1116
01:02:17,080 --> 01:02:18,360
Speaker 6: you knowing how much you make?

1117
01:02:18,720 --> 01:02:20,800
Speaker 4: Does it add to the relationship?

1118
01:02:21,200 --> 01:02:24,520
Speaker 6: And I'll say, like, it's it's pretty flawed because I've

1119
01:02:25,680 --> 01:02:27,640
Speaker 6: I think I was reading either a story or something

1120
01:02:28,120 --> 01:02:30,600
Speaker 6: where the guy makes a significant amount of money and

1121
01:02:30,640 --> 01:02:33,360
Speaker 6: the girl doesn't make as much money, but he's like

1122
01:02:33,520 --> 01:02:35,880
Speaker 6: very strict. You pay for yours, I paid for man.

1123
01:02:36,520 --> 01:02:38,960
Speaker 6: He invites her to come like on this family trip,

1124
01:02:39,840 --> 01:02:42,240
Speaker 6: and like she didn't even have enough money to buy

1125
01:02:42,280 --> 01:02:45,000
Speaker 6: herself meals at this restaurant because you know she doesn't

1126
01:02:45,000 --> 01:02:47,520
Speaker 6: make as much, but the whole family still went and

1127
01:02:47,760 --> 01:02:50,120
Speaker 6: ate and left this poor woman in the restaurant and

1128
01:02:50,160 --> 01:02:53,000
Speaker 6: in the hotel room and stuff like that. And I

1129
01:02:53,080 --> 01:02:56,479
Speaker 6: know those commentary around people like does this guy even

1130
01:02:56,520 --> 01:02:57,720
Speaker 6: love's too much?

1131
01:02:58,120 --> 01:02:58,560
Speaker 4: Everything?

1132
01:02:58,720 --> 01:02:58,880
Speaker 14: Right?

1133
01:02:59,440 --> 01:03:00,600
Speaker 4: But like that's the thing.

1134
01:03:00,800 --> 01:03:04,200
Speaker 6: If we didn't know how much that guy made or

1135
01:03:04,400 --> 01:03:06,360
Speaker 6: she didn't know that, they could have talked about it

1136
01:03:06,400 --> 01:03:08,120
Speaker 6: and be like, you know what, we can't go here.

1137
01:03:08,280 --> 01:03:09,320
Speaker 4: I don't have the money.

1138
01:03:09,600 --> 01:03:12,920
Speaker 6: But she, you know, knows he makes money, so she

1139
01:03:13,000 --> 01:03:15,960
Speaker 6: probably thought it. But once we're there, obviously you won't

1140
01:03:16,040 --> 01:03:22,200
Speaker 6: let me start. Little did she know? And that's the thing, right,

1141
01:03:22,600 --> 01:03:27,360
Speaker 6: So honestly, it's more of my thinking is just where

1142
01:03:27,360 --> 01:03:31,040
Speaker 6: does the money stuff add value to a relationship? If

1143
01:03:31,040 --> 01:03:36,360
Speaker 6: someone can give me that answer, maybe I'll change.

1144
01:03:34,840 --> 01:03:39,040
Speaker 2: You've been married and yeah, how many is tell us?

1145
01:03:39,080 --> 01:03:47,560
Speaker 7: And then Amanda also, look, I guess because it depends

1146
01:03:47,600 --> 01:03:50,880
Speaker 7: on who you're with, right, if you are aligned like

1147
01:03:50,920 --> 01:03:52,600
Speaker 7: I think, I come back to the point earlier that

1148
01:03:52,680 --> 01:03:56,960
Speaker 7: if you're both aligned to the same perspectives when it

1149
01:03:57,000 --> 01:04:02,520
Speaker 7: comes to those different topics, like for us finances, my

1150
01:04:02,520 --> 01:04:05,160
Speaker 7: wife knows how much I earned, she and I know

1151
01:04:05,200 --> 01:04:09,400
Speaker 7: how much she earns. But we also have big plans around,

1152
01:04:09,560 --> 01:04:11,600
Speaker 7: you know, what we want to do, whether it's to

1153
01:04:11,640 --> 01:04:14,520
Speaker 7: do with family back home, or whether it's to do

1154
01:04:14,560 --> 01:04:17,720
Speaker 7: with things here in Australia. If it's to do with

1155
01:04:17,880 --> 01:04:21,080
Speaker 7: like when we want to try and plan travel, or

1156
01:04:21,160 --> 01:04:23,560
Speaker 7: planning like what we're going to do for date night

1157
01:04:23,800 --> 01:04:28,280
Speaker 7: because every Friday we have date night. So when it

1158
01:04:28,320 --> 01:04:32,280
Speaker 7: comes to financial stuff, I've made a conscious decision right

1159
01:04:32,440 --> 01:04:34,400
Speaker 7: that it's something that I want my wife to be

1160
01:04:34,440 --> 01:04:38,120
Speaker 7: aware about because in the past I've seen I've heard stories,

1161
01:04:38,200 --> 01:04:41,240
Speaker 7: you know, and I can only speak from stories that

1162
01:04:41,240 --> 01:04:44,160
Speaker 7: I've heard from back home, where you know, you've got

1163
01:04:44,200 --> 01:04:49,120
Speaker 7: like you know, a man who was probably married and

1164
01:04:49,200 --> 01:04:51,880
Speaker 7: then had his small houses on the side, and then

1165
01:04:51,960 --> 01:04:54,520
Speaker 7: he died, and then next minute you're seeing that there's

1166
01:04:54,680 --> 01:04:57,880
Speaker 7: all these strays coming out from the woodworks and funerals.

1167
01:04:58,120 --> 01:05:01,320
Speaker 7: The next so and the next thing you know, right

1168
01:05:01,400 --> 01:05:04,320
Speaker 7: that you then find out that you know, he had

1169
01:05:04,360 --> 01:05:08,400
Speaker 7: like four or five different accounts. So that then, so

1170
01:05:08,600 --> 01:05:11,360
Speaker 7: I'm only just speaking about this stuff because it ends

1171
01:05:11,440 --> 01:05:15,480
Speaker 7: up being very messy right when it comes to you

1172
01:05:15,560 --> 01:05:18,720
Speaker 7: then trying to keep certain information away from family and

1173
01:05:18,720 --> 01:05:22,600
Speaker 7: from significant and I've made the conscious decision along with

1174
01:05:22,600 --> 01:05:25,360
Speaker 7: my wife that it's something that I want her to

1175
01:05:25,400 --> 01:05:29,880
Speaker 7: be aware of. And I guess it's also because he's

1176
01:05:29,920 --> 01:05:33,680
Speaker 7: seen when I was really broke, you know, back in

1177
01:05:33,720 --> 01:05:37,640
Speaker 7: those formative years of our relationship to where we are now.

1178
01:05:37,680 --> 01:05:39,360
Speaker 7: I'm not saying that I'm rich or I have money

1179
01:05:39,440 --> 01:05:41,800
Speaker 7: or whatever, but but we're so good.

1180
01:05:41,840 --> 01:05:43,400
Speaker 3: You've done the balance.

1181
01:05:44,960 --> 01:05:45,600
Speaker 2: Inside.

1182
01:05:45,760 --> 01:05:46,760
Speaker 8: We like that energy.

1183
01:05:47,400 --> 01:05:52,200
Speaker 7: Yes, yeah, what I'm saying is is that we live

1184
01:05:52,240 --> 01:05:56,640
Speaker 7: a comfortable life for her now and that's because we're

1185
01:05:56,680 --> 01:05:58,560
Speaker 7: aligned to each other when it comes to that.

1186
01:05:58,760 --> 01:06:00,720
Speaker 8: So, yeah, she was you when you.

1187
01:06:00,760 --> 01:06:03,840
Speaker 13: Was shooting shooting in the Gym's that.

1188
01:06:07,160 --> 01:06:09,840
Speaker 9: I guess for Kuzy, you're lucky that you've had that journey,

1189
01:06:09,880 --> 01:06:11,680
Speaker 9: And I guess this is where it's like for people

1190
01:06:11,680 --> 01:06:16,760
Speaker 9: who haven't then what now, So I'm married, but we

1191
01:06:16,800 --> 01:06:19,680
Speaker 9: didn't have the journey that Kuzinchichi would have had.

1192
01:06:22,200 --> 01:06:24,120
Speaker 8: Where you know, you start out, broke together and you

1193
01:06:24,360 --> 01:06:24,600
Speaker 8: you know.

1194
01:06:24,880 --> 01:06:27,360
Speaker 9: So in a way, I'm kind of also agreeing with

1195
01:06:27,400 --> 01:06:31,520
Speaker 9: Diaby because I know ballpark figures. I don't know the

1196
01:06:32,360 --> 01:06:36,040
Speaker 9: sense and you know, like, but I think it can

1197
01:06:36,120 --> 01:06:39,840
Speaker 9: only work based on two things. You're in the same ballpark,

1198
01:06:40,600 --> 01:06:44,439
Speaker 9: so you're not like another field, and je's because then

1199
01:06:44,480 --> 01:06:47,160
Speaker 9: I think that's when it's like like the example you

1200
01:06:47,200 --> 01:06:49,000
Speaker 9: gave where they're go on a holiday and she can't

1201
01:06:49,040 --> 01:06:51,480
Speaker 9: afford to go to the restaurant, then that might not

1202
01:06:51,520 --> 01:06:54,120
Speaker 9: really work. You might then have to be quite honest

1203
01:06:54,160 --> 01:06:58,280
Speaker 9: with each other, not to say you can't date people outside,

1204
01:06:58,480 --> 01:07:02,320
Speaker 9: but it can't be like he earns twenty times more.

1205
01:07:02,360 --> 01:07:04,560
Speaker 9: I mean, unless you're at a million, and that's twenty million.

1206
01:07:04,560 --> 01:07:06,720
Speaker 9: That doesn't mean there comes a time when money doesn't

1207
01:07:06,720 --> 01:07:08,760
Speaker 9: make too much of a difference. But then there comes

1208
01:07:08,800 --> 01:07:11,320
Speaker 9: a time when money does. So if I'm earning ten

1209
01:07:11,360 --> 01:07:15,040
Speaker 9: thousand a year, for example, someone's earning a million a year,

1210
01:07:15,360 --> 01:07:17,400
Speaker 9: of course that's going to make a huge difference, But

1211
01:07:17,440 --> 01:07:19,680
Speaker 9: if it's a million and twenty million, it's probably not

1212
01:07:19,880 --> 01:07:23,200
Speaker 9: too much. Like it just depends on the scale. But

1213
01:07:23,320 --> 01:07:25,880
Speaker 9: having said that, I still think people need to be

1214
01:07:25,920 --> 01:07:29,560
Speaker 9: honest about how they spend their money. It doesn't matter

1215
01:07:29,680 --> 01:07:31,880
Speaker 9: if you get twenty million if nineteen of it goes

1216
01:07:31,880 --> 01:07:33,640
Speaker 9: to black tax, because at the end of the day,

1217
01:07:33,760 --> 01:07:35,880
Speaker 9: you might as well just be getting the ten thousand dollars,

1218
01:07:36,160 --> 01:07:36,400
Speaker 9: you know.

1219
01:07:36,480 --> 01:07:38,880
Speaker 8: So it's it's okay, the check comes in.

1220
01:07:39,040 --> 01:07:41,040
Speaker 9: Then what and because he touched on this, you know,

1221
01:07:41,080 --> 01:07:43,440
Speaker 9: whether you have to send money home, whether you so

1222
01:07:43,560 --> 01:07:46,040
Speaker 9: I'm an interrelationial relationship where he doesn't have to send

1223
01:07:46,080 --> 01:07:50,360
Speaker 9: money home. I have to, so immediately, it doesn't matter

1224
01:07:50,440 --> 01:07:52,880
Speaker 9: if I earned twenty times as much as him. I

1225
01:07:52,960 --> 01:07:55,640
Speaker 9: have more responsibilities on my shoulders than he does with

1226
01:07:55,680 --> 01:07:59,800
Speaker 9: his money. Disposable income becomes a conversation. Can you go

1227
01:07:59,840 --> 01:08:02,400
Speaker 9: to holiday in Paris? Or do you have to send

1228
01:08:02,400 --> 01:08:02,919
Speaker 9: my new home?

1229
01:08:03,440 --> 01:08:03,680
Speaker 4: You know?

1230
01:08:03,840 --> 01:08:07,000
Speaker 9: So it's those are the conversations that I think we

1231
01:08:07,080 --> 01:08:09,880
Speaker 9: get so lost on the numbers and the but it's

1232
01:08:09,920 --> 01:08:13,600
Speaker 9: what you do with that money, how you invested, how

1233
01:08:13,720 --> 01:08:16,840
Speaker 9: you spend it. Those are the real questions. And then

1234
01:08:16,880 --> 01:08:19,240
Speaker 9: that's when you can really see is this going to work.

1235
01:08:19,160 --> 01:08:20,880
Speaker 3: Or not for sure?

1236
01:08:20,920 --> 01:08:24,480
Speaker 1: And it's also to touch on what Amanda said, understanding

1237
01:08:24,520 --> 01:08:27,840
Speaker 1: how this person operates with money, because you might be

1238
01:08:27,920 --> 01:08:30,599
Speaker 1: Bowlin thinking he's bolin, you don't know what's happening, and

1239
01:08:30,680 --> 01:08:35,759
Speaker 1: then the tax collector the debt collection comes and he's like, bruh,

1240
01:08:36,000 --> 01:08:37,640
Speaker 1: can wear it at and you were like, bro, but

1241
01:08:37,680 --> 01:08:38,160
Speaker 1: we were.

1242
01:08:38,040 --> 01:08:41,160
Speaker 3: Living it up there and I beat that living our

1243
01:08:41,200 --> 01:08:43,240
Speaker 3: best lives. You don't tell me? Do you get what

1244
01:08:43,280 --> 01:08:43,639
Speaker 3: I mean?

1245
01:08:43,720 --> 01:08:46,840
Speaker 1: And I think that's more the honesty around that to

1246
01:08:46,920 --> 01:08:50,640
Speaker 1: be like, hey, buddy, I can't do abita because you

1247
01:08:50,680 --> 01:08:53,040
Speaker 1: know we are saving for this, or I need to

1248
01:08:53,040 --> 01:08:55,840
Speaker 1: make sure I've set aside enough for the tax man,

1249
01:08:55,960 --> 01:08:57,679
Speaker 1: or do you get what I mean? And it's more

1250
01:08:57,840 --> 01:09:01,400
Speaker 1: that because when people are not honest with about money,

1251
01:09:01,800 --> 01:09:03,400
Speaker 1: they want to keep up appearances.

1252
01:09:03,640 --> 01:09:06,559
Speaker 3: Do you get what I mean? And you know blue therapy?

1253
01:09:06,600 --> 01:09:07,800
Speaker 3: What's that so you do?

1254
01:09:08,640 --> 01:09:09,200
Speaker 2: Yeah?

1255
01:09:09,320 --> 01:09:12,720
Speaker 3: Guys, if you blue, I don't know whatever it is.

1256
01:09:13,240 --> 01:09:18,040
Speaker 1: And basically, like you know, not being honest with about that,

1257
01:09:18,120 --> 01:09:20,719
Speaker 1: you start wanting to keep up with these high profile

1258
01:09:21,000 --> 01:09:23,080
Speaker 1: This guy was trying to keep up with his clients,

1259
01:09:23,479 --> 01:09:24,599
Speaker 1: high earners and.

1260
01:09:24,479 --> 01:09:27,120
Speaker 3: His cheek was like, but bra like, you can't even like,

1261
01:09:27,160 --> 01:09:29,599
Speaker 3: why are you doing that? It's things like that. You

1262
01:09:29,640 --> 01:09:32,040
Speaker 3: don't want to breed that kind of life.

1263
01:09:32,040 --> 01:09:35,760
Speaker 1: So I think in partnership it can help you be like, Okay, babe,

1264
01:09:35,800 --> 01:09:36,920
Speaker 1: I know you want to do this.

1265
01:09:36,960 --> 01:09:37,880
Speaker 3: We can't do this right now.

1266
01:09:37,920 --> 01:09:40,559
Speaker 1: I can't get you that Gucci bag right now, but

1267
01:09:41,479 --> 01:09:43,400
Speaker 1: best beliefs, I will get it.

1268
01:09:43,479 --> 01:09:46,080
Speaker 3: We will work. I'm working towards it right now.

1269
01:09:46,120 --> 01:09:48,679
Speaker 1: I want us to focus on, you know, the family

1270
01:09:48,880 --> 01:09:50,200
Speaker 1: or what we were trying.

1271
01:09:49,960 --> 01:09:52,800
Speaker 3: To do with the house or things like that. I

1272
01:09:52,800 --> 01:09:53,439
Speaker 3: think that's.

1273
01:09:53,320 --> 01:09:56,880
Speaker 8: Really time ladies get your own Gucci bag.

1274
01:09:59,280 --> 01:10:03,240
Speaker 1: Sure, sure, I'm not tell for real, Telfa, I'm.

1275
01:10:03,080 --> 01:10:09,519
Speaker 15: Not the style is Telfa teaet it?

1276
01:10:09,560 --> 01:10:12,080
Speaker 2: If you don't have to, No, you don't.

1277
01:10:12,720 --> 01:10:14,719
Speaker 1: And I think you know, based on what everyone has said,

1278
01:10:15,880 --> 01:10:17,639
Speaker 1: I will always go back to this. I think it's

1279
01:10:17,640 --> 01:10:20,960
Speaker 1: a very personal decision. That's why I was asking Debbie

1280
01:10:20,960 --> 01:10:24,200
Speaker 1: where is it coming from? And everyone gave a good perspective,

1281
01:10:24,200 --> 01:10:28,160
Speaker 1: because you do make these decisions based on what you

1282
01:10:28,280 --> 01:10:31,000
Speaker 1: have experience or what you've come across, what you've decided

1283
01:10:31,040 --> 01:10:35,040
Speaker 1: works for you in your life. And yes, you know

1284
01:10:35,640 --> 01:10:39,960
Speaker 1: some things are more streamlined than others. So people just like, yeah, okay,

1285
01:10:39,960 --> 01:10:42,680
Speaker 1: that's cool. But when you say something like no, but

1286
01:10:42,720 --> 01:10:45,280
Speaker 1: this is good because then we interrogate why do I

1287
01:10:45,320 --> 01:10:49,000
Speaker 1: think this way? Why do I want this in a relationship?

1288
01:10:49,040 --> 01:10:53,360
Speaker 1: So thank you for the honesty. I appreciate it. So

1289
01:10:54,160 --> 01:10:56,640
Speaker 1: time is running out, but I have two more questions.

1290
01:10:58,040 --> 01:11:00,439
Speaker 1: I really want to hear the responses to this. So

1291
01:11:00,520 --> 01:11:03,280
Speaker 1: the first one is how.

1292
01:11:03,080 --> 01:11:05,800
Speaker 2: Important is physical intimacy in a relationship?

1293
01:11:06,400 --> 01:11:07,679
Speaker 3: Guys?

1294
01:11:08,320 --> 01:11:19,360
Speaker 16: Oh, look, physical physical intimacy.

1295
01:11:23,479 --> 01:11:26,880
Speaker 7: I guess I can speak on behalf of both of us,

1296
01:11:26,920 --> 01:11:29,600
Speaker 7: my wife and I. Yeah, it's important, you know. I

1297
01:11:30,120 --> 01:11:34,000
Speaker 7: think like, how do do you want me to go

1298
01:11:34,040 --> 01:11:34,200
Speaker 7: with this?

1299
01:11:34,600 --> 01:11:38,439
Speaker 3: Okay, go awhere you need to go bro where an.

1300
01:11:39,520 --> 01:11:43,320
Speaker 7: Okay, look, physical intimacy is quite important, like for for

1301
01:11:43,400 --> 01:11:45,920
Speaker 7: both of us, because I guess it's an opportunity to

1302
01:11:49,640 --> 01:11:53,799
Speaker 7: align yourselves to what it is that you like about

1303
01:11:53,840 --> 01:11:58,040
Speaker 7: the other person and whatnot. But for us and and

1304
01:11:58,040 --> 01:12:00,719
Speaker 7: and I must also point out right there is nothing

1305
01:12:00,800 --> 01:12:06,600
Speaker 7: wrong right with actually scheduling. Okay, right, let me just

1306
01:12:06,640 --> 01:12:09,639
Speaker 7: put it out there, because I guess sometimes people get

1307
01:12:09,680 --> 01:12:13,559
Speaker 7: bogged down with the whole you know, I should initiate

1308
01:12:13,600 --> 01:12:16,280
Speaker 7: I should do this. Sometimes you get so busy with

1309
01:12:16,400 --> 01:12:19,519
Speaker 7: work and with things that happen around you, right, that

1310
01:12:19,800 --> 01:12:23,439
Speaker 7: it ends up not being a prior toy sometimes so

1311
01:12:23,840 --> 01:12:25,920
Speaker 7: some you know, So if you so, I'll give you

1312
01:12:25,920 --> 01:12:28,200
Speaker 7: an example. I can say to my wife, okay, babe,

1313
01:12:28,280 --> 01:12:32,360
Speaker 7: like on Thursday or on Tuesday, right, we're gonna have sex,

1314
01:12:33,439 --> 01:12:36,280
Speaker 7: and it happens and and and there's nothing wrong with that.

1315
01:12:37,479 --> 01:12:41,000
Speaker 7: I think, you know, with regards to frequency, that's you know,

1316
01:12:41,160 --> 01:12:44,120
Speaker 7: that depends on whatever's happening in the background in your life.

1317
01:12:45,080 --> 01:12:48,000
Speaker 7: But I think as someone who's been with someone long

1318
01:12:48,040 --> 01:12:49,439
Speaker 7: and you know, as long as I have been with

1319
01:12:49,479 --> 01:12:52,400
Speaker 7: my wife, there's nothing wrong with actually scheduling it as well.

1320
01:12:52,880 --> 01:12:57,760
Speaker 2: Nice. I like that, yeah, man, because then you'll be

1321
01:12:57,800 --> 01:13:00,800
Speaker 2: waiting forever. Hey about that? I was going to better so.

1322
01:13:02,479 --> 01:13:21,160
Speaker 14: And why was your person like a.

1323
01:13:16,840 --> 01:13:17,280
Speaker 3: Too long?

1324
01:13:19,120 --> 01:13:19,400
Speaker 4: Yeah?

1325
01:13:19,479 --> 01:13:20,200
Speaker 7: Yeah you are.

1326
01:13:20,320 --> 01:13:24,320
Speaker 3: Now that is not impact because we don't understand what

1327
01:13:24,360 --> 01:13:24,760
Speaker 3: you're saying.

1328
01:13:24,800 --> 01:13:25,759
Speaker 8: Happy happy?

1329
01:13:27,040 --> 01:13:27,240
Speaker 3: Yeah?

1330
01:13:27,280 --> 01:13:36,439
Speaker 9: Why do we call our happiest like that? And I agree,

1331
01:13:36,479 --> 01:13:39,400
Speaker 9: I must say I agree with crazy, as unromantic as

1332
01:13:39,400 --> 01:13:40,200
Speaker 9: that can sound.

1333
01:13:40,439 --> 01:13:43,760
Speaker 8: And perhaps for me I've had to do that because.

1334
01:13:43,400 --> 01:13:45,400
Speaker 9: We well, now we don't but we used to work

1335
01:13:45,560 --> 01:13:48,559
Speaker 9: different shifts, so like day shift night shift, so you're

1336
01:13:48,640 --> 01:13:50,920
Speaker 9: like passing ships in the night, so you have to

1337
01:13:50,960 --> 01:13:54,920
Speaker 9: schedule otherwise you never get that intimacy. But having said that,

1338
01:13:55,520 --> 01:13:57,519
Speaker 9: a lot of people think it's more romantic right to

1339
01:13:57,680 --> 01:13:58,000
Speaker 9: just be.

1340
01:13:57,880 --> 01:14:00,519
Speaker 8: Like, oh, it was spontaneous and they need to you know.

1341
01:14:00,560 --> 01:14:04,439
Speaker 9: But after five years, six years, yees seven, you're like,

1342
01:14:04,600 --> 01:14:08,160
Speaker 9: you can't always have that, But then you also want

1343
01:14:08,200 --> 01:14:09,040
Speaker 9: to make sure you do it.

1344
01:14:09,120 --> 01:14:10,479
Speaker 8: You are having that time.

1345
01:14:10,800 --> 01:14:15,320
Speaker 9: So yeah, scheduling sometimes is necessary to make it happen,

1346
01:14:15,560 --> 01:14:20,240
Speaker 9: because leaving it up to chance is no, it doesn't.

1347
01:14:20,439 --> 01:14:22,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I'm saying. They know, you be complaining

1348
01:14:23,240 --> 01:14:24,320
Speaker 2: that it ain't, you.

1349
01:14:24,280 --> 01:14:29,280
Speaker 13: Know, lady, daddy thatady.

1350
01:14:29,760 --> 01:14:33,240
Speaker 7: And so just to expand on what Amanda said, because

1351
01:14:33,240 --> 01:14:35,519
Speaker 7: then also what you've just also touched on as well,

1352
01:14:36,120 --> 01:14:40,759
Speaker 7: you know, you then you don't actually use that approach

1353
01:14:40,840 --> 01:14:43,680
Speaker 7: or actually even vocalize it to tell your significance that

1354
01:14:43,760 --> 01:14:46,320
Speaker 7: you want it, right, you can then have issues where

1355
01:14:46,360 --> 01:14:49,840
Speaker 7: you then lead to resentment, right, and then you then

1356
01:14:49,960 --> 01:14:53,840
Speaker 7: end up having all these pent up frustrations, right, which

1357
01:14:53,960 --> 01:14:59,479
Speaker 7: sometimes manifest themselves and other things. And then situations where

1358
01:14:59,520 --> 01:15:03,680
Speaker 7: people start will stop thinking about wanting to, you know,

1359
01:15:04,360 --> 01:15:06,639
Speaker 7: cheat like behind the scenes, you know what I mean.

1360
01:15:06,800 --> 01:15:09,880
Speaker 7: So I think if you actually are not vocal about it,

1361
01:15:11,080 --> 01:15:15,519
Speaker 7: then a change that because you know, I think it's

1362
01:15:15,600 --> 01:15:19,400
Speaker 7: very important in actually telling your person that each you

1363
01:15:19,439 --> 01:15:22,360
Speaker 7: know what, you haven't done that thing where you put

1364
01:15:22,400 --> 01:15:24,040
Speaker 7: my leg up and I need you to do that

1365
01:15:24,360 --> 01:15:25,320
Speaker 7: for me again.

1366
01:15:27,160 --> 01:15:47,560
Speaker 15: That's pretty bad, can I admit?

1367
01:15:49,280 --> 01:15:49,400
Speaker 4: No?

1368
01:15:49,560 --> 01:15:52,680
Speaker 1: And I think you know, speaking on that because he's

1369
01:15:52,720 --> 01:15:56,040
Speaker 1: saying we need to vocalize that. I think, especially as

1370
01:15:56,080 --> 01:15:58,800
Speaker 1: a woman, we're not raised in an environment where we

1371
01:15:58,880 --> 01:16:02,840
Speaker 1: are told, you know so much about intimacy physical touch,

1372
01:16:02,920 --> 01:16:05,640
Speaker 1: like we're not really encouraged. It's always seen as a

1373
01:16:05,680 --> 01:16:09,880
Speaker 1: man thing or to please the man, and you really

1374
01:16:09,920 --> 01:16:13,080
Speaker 1: realize it's a disservice for us women not to really

1375
01:16:13,479 --> 01:16:17,720
Speaker 1: highlight that it is important to feel loved and you know,

1376
01:16:17,840 --> 01:16:21,280
Speaker 1: to feel like you know, you are in touch with

1377
01:16:21,320 --> 01:16:24,960
Speaker 1: someone physically as well as emotionally, because.

1378
01:16:24,760 --> 01:16:27,160
Speaker 3: It's a whole. It's like the Holy Trinity.

1379
01:16:27,280 --> 01:16:32,160
Speaker 1: It's like this physical emotional mental like Holy Spirit, God,

1380
01:16:32,240 --> 01:16:34,880
Speaker 1: the Father, God, the Son God, the Holy Spirit. They

1381
01:16:34,880 --> 01:16:37,599
Speaker 1: all work together. So you need that you know, whole

1382
01:16:37,640 --> 01:16:42,080
Speaker 1: thing to play its part. And also love language is

1383
01:16:42,120 --> 01:16:46,680
Speaker 1: also when you understand your partner's love language, like it

1384
01:16:46,840 --> 01:16:51,040
Speaker 1: also is important in that way and it forms and

1385
01:16:51,080 --> 01:16:55,640
Speaker 1: sometimes physicality helps you kind of take the time to

1386
01:16:55,760 --> 01:16:57,680
Speaker 1: look at each other and be with do you know

1387
01:16:57,680 --> 01:16:59,559
Speaker 1: what I mean? Like it's more than just the like

1388
01:16:59,680 --> 01:17:02,880
Speaker 1: I need to knock one off or whatever. It's more

1389
01:17:02,960 --> 01:17:07,599
Speaker 1: so about making the time to see or connecting with

1390
01:17:07,640 --> 01:17:10,920
Speaker 1: each other. And you know, listening to what Cuisiana Amanda

1391
01:17:10,960 --> 01:17:15,080
Speaker 1: said about scheduling, I think to romanticize it. You can

1392
01:17:16,439 --> 01:17:18,880
Speaker 1: build up to it, right, it doesn't have to be

1393
01:17:19,000 --> 01:17:24,040
Speaker 1: like okay, Thursday and then when Thursday seven o'clock comes, sorry,

1394
01:17:24,840 --> 01:17:26,120
Speaker 1: like you know what I mean?

1395
01:17:26,720 --> 01:17:30,559
Speaker 9: But like English because in Shana do it sounds so

1396
01:17:30,960 --> 01:17:33,920
Speaker 9: wrong and it's like you.

1397
01:17:33,800 --> 01:17:35,439
Speaker 3: Know, on the seven o'clock this go.

1398
01:17:35,720 --> 01:17:38,160
Speaker 1: No, you can build towards it throughout the day or

1399
01:17:38,200 --> 01:17:41,439
Speaker 1: the days leading up to. It's like exciting, like you

1400
01:17:41,479 --> 01:17:43,479
Speaker 1: know you can, and there's a romance in that.

1401
01:17:43,760 --> 01:17:46,200
Speaker 3: So I think it's been under solved.

1402
01:17:46,479 --> 01:17:49,719
Speaker 1: You know, this idea, especially as women, you know where

1403
01:17:49,760 --> 01:17:54,080
Speaker 1: we come from an African women. You with religion as well,

1404
01:17:55,080 --> 01:17:57,400
Speaker 1: we've been done at the services as well.

1405
01:17:58,640 --> 01:18:01,920
Speaker 2: Devy read what yep.

1406
01:18:03,600 --> 01:18:08,080
Speaker 6: What so I can't speak to the scheduling. You know,

1407
01:18:08,200 --> 01:18:14,439
Speaker 6: there's no one to schedule tellen the b free open schedule.

1408
01:18:17,120 --> 01:18:20,080
Speaker 6: I think that comes with time, man like as you

1409
01:18:20,200 --> 01:18:22,760
Speaker 6: hang out with someone, as as you date someone for

1410
01:18:22,800 --> 01:18:25,719
Speaker 6: a longer time, that's when those kinds of things become

1411
01:18:25,760 --> 01:18:28,760
Speaker 6: more practical. So it's still too early for me to

1412
01:18:28,800 --> 01:18:31,960
Speaker 6: be able to talk about, you know, the scheduling and

1413
01:18:32,000 --> 01:18:32,760
Speaker 6: that sort of thing.

1414
01:18:32,880 --> 01:18:34,320
Speaker 4: But yeah, I know, I.

1415
01:18:34,400 --> 01:18:38,840
Speaker 6: Think the physical intimacy through the question is like, yeah,

1416
01:18:38,880 --> 01:18:41,360
Speaker 6: it's a it's a it's a very important part of

1417
01:18:41,920 --> 01:18:47,479
Speaker 6: connecting with that person, right, It's it's big. I think

1418
01:18:47,479 --> 01:18:50,000
Speaker 6: Amanda really wants to say something.

1419
01:18:51,000 --> 01:18:53,719
Speaker 9: I just want to say the scheduling is a bare minimum, guys.

1420
01:18:54,080 --> 01:18:58,000
Speaker 9: So it's not to say you can't then, yeah, it's

1421
01:18:58,080 --> 01:19:00,320
Speaker 9: just to say, at least, at the very least you.

1422
01:19:00,120 --> 01:19:01,040
Speaker 8: Got your time.

1423
01:19:01,200 --> 01:19:02,480
Speaker 2: Sure, sure.

1424
01:19:04,640 --> 01:19:05,840
Speaker 8: Is thinking.

1425
01:19:08,280 --> 01:19:12,280
Speaker 7: No sometimes sometimes you know you are spontaneous.

1426
01:19:11,560 --> 01:19:12,840
Speaker 4: But a you know.

1427
01:19:14,400 --> 01:19:18,400
Speaker 7: When you work right there and you're like yeah, probably.

1428
01:19:22,000 --> 01:19:27,479
Speaker 1: Yea, but yeah, okay, good, no, awesome, guys, Thank you

1429
01:19:27,520 --> 01:19:27,880
Speaker 1: so much.

1430
01:19:27,920 --> 01:19:28,599
Speaker 2: That was really good.

1431
01:19:29,680 --> 01:19:31,800
Speaker 1: So the last one, which I think I've been really

1432
01:19:31,880 --> 01:19:37,360
Speaker 1: speaking to a lot and really working through my mind.

1433
01:19:38,280 --> 01:19:40,800
Speaker 1: This question through my mind and I actually mentioned it

1434
01:19:40,800 --> 01:19:42,479
Speaker 1: to my mom and I think you almost aid out

1435
01:19:42,479 --> 01:19:46,519
Speaker 1: a tech But what are your thoughts on marriage or

1436
01:19:46,640 --> 01:19:50,920
Speaker 1: life partner which you know, are you this whole you

1437
01:19:50,960 --> 01:19:54,679
Speaker 1: can only marry that's the only sign of commitment or

1438
01:19:54,800 --> 01:19:58,680
Speaker 1: are you do you feel like it's also possible to

1439
01:19:58,880 --> 01:20:02,080
Speaker 1: just you know, and we are committed to each other.

1440
01:20:02,120 --> 01:20:06,280
Speaker 2: We don't feel like we need to go and legalize it.

1441
01:20:06,360 --> 01:20:10,479
Speaker 3: Or whatever legalize time to RECOGNI.

1442
01:20:12,280 --> 01:20:16,520
Speaker 7: Here's because I think so, you know, living in Australia

1443
01:20:16,600 --> 01:20:19,920
Speaker 7: for the last sixteen years, we've heard like many a

1444
01:20:20,000 --> 01:20:24,080
Speaker 7: time of the whole concept of de facto, because I

1445
01:20:24,080 --> 01:20:28,200
Speaker 7: guess life partner is a de facto or something. You know.

1446
01:20:28,240 --> 01:20:30,400
Speaker 7: I think they're a bit synonymous but a bit different,

1447
01:20:30,600 --> 01:20:36,280
Speaker 7: I guess, right. And for me, like the in where

1448
01:20:36,280 --> 01:20:40,400
Speaker 7: I live, I live in a predominantly Aboriginal community right

1449
01:20:40,479 --> 01:20:45,040
Speaker 7: where there's lots of people who've been together for you know,

1450
01:20:45,080 --> 01:20:47,519
Speaker 7: I know an Aboriginal couple that have been together for

1451
01:20:47,560 --> 01:20:51,840
Speaker 7: the last forty years. They haven't legalized their marriage and

1452
01:20:51,840 --> 01:20:57,240
Speaker 7: they've got four children and nine grandchildren. You know, I

1453
01:20:57,280 --> 01:21:00,880
Speaker 7: get it depends on what you're you know, I guess

1454
01:21:00,920 --> 01:21:02,800
Speaker 7: it just depends on what you want and what you

1455
01:21:02,840 --> 01:21:07,040
Speaker 7: aspire for. You know, I chose. I guess I chose

1456
01:21:07,200 --> 01:21:11,519
Speaker 7: the pathway to marry my wife because once again, it's

1457
01:21:11,560 --> 01:21:14,320
Speaker 7: all part of that socialization right from back home where

1458
01:21:14,800 --> 01:21:16,840
Speaker 7: you knew could see if you wanted to then be

1459
01:21:16,960 --> 01:21:19,719
Speaker 7: with someone, the next would need to marry that person.

1460
01:21:23,400 --> 01:21:26,040
Speaker 7: I chose that was what I was taught when I

1461
01:21:26,080 --> 01:21:29,559
Speaker 7: when I grew up. But being exposed to different you know,

1462
01:21:29,640 --> 01:21:32,559
Speaker 7: different philosophies and different ideologies and perspectives in the space.

1463
01:21:32,600 --> 01:21:34,120
Speaker 7: I've also then looked at the other side of the

1464
01:21:34,120 --> 01:21:37,559
Speaker 7: coin where I've seen people, you know, who are actually

1465
01:21:37,640 --> 01:21:39,840
Speaker 7: with their significant other and have been with this significant

1466
01:21:39,840 --> 01:21:42,839
Speaker 7: other for X amount of years. They have x amount

1467
01:21:42,840 --> 01:21:48,280
Speaker 7: of kids, grandkids, all that stuff, they all their things around, finances,

1468
01:21:48,760 --> 01:21:54,160
Speaker 7: all their things around, you know, assets, you know, all

1469
01:21:54,240 --> 01:21:56,640
Speaker 7: that stuff. They still are in each other's names with

1470
01:21:56,680 --> 01:22:00,120
Speaker 7: each other. So look, I think it just depends on

1471
01:22:01,280 --> 01:22:03,680
Speaker 7: the context of why you want to sort of then

1472
01:22:03,760 --> 01:22:06,120
Speaker 7: go down that pathway to then say you're with the

1473
01:22:06,200 --> 01:22:11,200
Speaker 7: life partner or if you want to get married for sure.

1474
01:22:11,320 --> 01:22:14,799
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, I think.

1475
01:22:16,560 --> 01:22:17,639
Speaker 3: I think I didn't.

1476
01:22:17,680 --> 01:22:20,000
Speaker 1: You know, Goldie Horn and Kurt Russell were like the

1477
01:22:20,040 --> 01:22:24,880
Speaker 1: poster couple for long term partnership without marriage for a

1478
01:22:24,880 --> 01:22:28,719
Speaker 1: long time. And I think, especially coming from our culture,

1479
01:22:28,760 --> 01:22:31,840
Speaker 1: I didn't understand it so much. I was like, why

1480
01:22:31,920 --> 01:22:35,120
Speaker 1: don't you just get married? But I think it also

1481
01:22:36,080 --> 01:22:39,200
Speaker 1: it's up to you in terms of the pressure what

1482
01:22:39,280 --> 01:22:43,400
Speaker 1: it means. I think we understand culturally too that marriage

1483
01:22:44,400 --> 01:22:47,680
Speaker 1: that your person will be given more respect where we

1484
01:22:47,760 --> 01:22:50,800
Speaker 1: come from. If you choose life partnership, it's just like

1485
01:22:51,280 --> 01:22:54,760
Speaker 1: and and you're like, but this is my partner for

1486
01:22:55,320 --> 01:22:58,800
Speaker 1: you know, fifteen years we've got like do you know.

1487
01:22:58,720 --> 01:22:59,120
Speaker 2: What I mean?

1488
01:22:59,160 --> 01:23:02,800
Speaker 1: And unfortunately still existing within that context. So it's also

1489
01:23:02,880 --> 01:23:04,559
Speaker 1: up to you, like what are you willing to live

1490
01:23:04,600 --> 01:23:08,519
Speaker 1: with like your partner being given that level of respector

1491
01:23:09,120 --> 01:23:11,920
Speaker 1: and being seen as a as a you know, as

1492
01:23:11,960 --> 01:23:15,920
Speaker 1: a person within the family or not. And if we

1493
01:23:15,960 --> 01:23:19,960
Speaker 1: are realistic about the ZIM context, at least you won't

1494
01:23:19,960 --> 01:23:22,200
Speaker 1: get your partner will not be given that respect.

1495
01:23:22,479 --> 01:23:25,840
Speaker 3: If you don't, you know, make that decision. Maybe it's

1496
01:23:25,920 --> 01:23:26,639
Speaker 3: changing now.

1497
01:23:27,240 --> 01:23:29,800
Speaker 1: And I think I once also spoke to your Kwan,

1498
01:23:30,600 --> 01:23:34,000
Speaker 1: I mean our mom about you know, I don't really

1499
01:23:34,040 --> 01:23:38,040
Speaker 1: know if I believe in marriage anymore, and again she

1500
01:23:38,120 --> 01:23:42,760
Speaker 1: almost passed out. But I think it's because it's more

1501
01:23:42,800 --> 01:23:46,160
Speaker 1: the examples that we've seen where marriage has just seen

1502
01:23:46,720 --> 01:23:51,920
Speaker 1: seemed like a really huge task and term it's tumultuous.

1503
01:23:52,000 --> 01:23:54,800
Speaker 2: It's just for the black African woman.

1504
01:23:55,040 --> 01:23:57,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's just you know, painful. So it's like, why

1505
01:23:57,160 --> 01:23:59,160
Speaker 3: would you sign yourself up for that rather just be

1506
01:23:59,200 --> 01:24:02,439
Speaker 3: somewhere and be like, oh, oh you finna punch me?

1507
01:24:02,560 --> 01:24:03,840
Speaker 3: I'm out? Do you get what I mean?

1508
01:24:04,960 --> 01:24:09,160
Speaker 1: So I think there's also that where we start questioning,

1509
01:24:09,280 --> 01:24:12,960
Speaker 1: like is marriage just so then I become someone's punching.

1510
01:24:12,640 --> 01:24:15,639
Speaker 3: Bag or you know, in house slave made.

1511
01:24:16,080 --> 01:24:18,639
Speaker 1: Those are things that I think our generation that's why

1512
01:24:18,680 --> 01:24:22,320
Speaker 1: we start questioning the idea of marriage. But I think

1513
01:24:23,200 --> 01:24:27,679
Speaker 1: where it's in a healthy space and within a loving context.

1514
01:24:27,600 --> 01:24:30,920
Speaker 3: It can work. Yeah okay.

1515
01:24:32,320 --> 01:24:33,040
Speaker 2: I am and Dabby.

1516
01:24:36,680 --> 01:24:36,920
Speaker 7: Yeah.

1517
01:24:37,120 --> 01:24:39,960
Speaker 9: Also, I mean I agree with what both people have said.

1518
01:24:40,000 --> 01:24:42,360
Speaker 9: Depends where you are in Australia, Yeah, they don't care.

1519
01:24:42,439 --> 01:24:46,600
Speaker 9: It's de facto or you're legally married, have the same rights.

1520
01:24:47,120 --> 01:24:49,800
Speaker 9: So if you bought that house together, you're going to

1521
01:24:49,880 --> 01:24:51,639
Speaker 9: be spitting in fifty to fifty, whether there's a ring

1522
01:24:51,760 --> 01:24:55,480
Speaker 9: or not. So obviously the culture here supports life partnership

1523
01:24:55,680 --> 01:24:58,240
Speaker 9: or de facto partnership, so then it can work that

1524
01:24:58,320 --> 01:25:00,880
Speaker 9: you have that choice then the situa and like Zim,

1525
01:25:01,280 --> 01:25:03,800
Speaker 9: you have to have your legal stuff, you know. So

1526
01:25:03,880 --> 01:25:09,120
Speaker 9: it's also like depends where you are. Some people look

1527
01:25:09,160 --> 01:25:12,120
Speaker 9: at marriage as the ultimate commitment because you know, then

1528
01:25:12,120 --> 01:25:14,280
Speaker 9: it's like, you know, why if it doesn't matter to you,

1529
01:25:14,360 --> 01:25:15,920
Speaker 9: it's just a piece of paper, why don't you just

1530
01:25:15,960 --> 01:25:16,360
Speaker 9: sign it?

1531
01:25:16,880 --> 01:25:17,080
Speaker 3: You know.

1532
01:25:17,160 --> 01:25:19,439
Speaker 9: So it just really does depend, as Riomby said, on

1533
01:25:19,600 --> 01:25:22,559
Speaker 9: what your partner and what you really want for yourself.

1534
01:25:22,640 --> 01:25:24,639
Speaker 9: But it's I love that now we're in a space

1535
01:25:24,680 --> 01:25:27,840
Speaker 9: where it's an option for Black African women. It's not

1536
01:25:27,920 --> 01:25:29,760
Speaker 9: so like you have to be married, you have to

1537
01:25:29,800 --> 01:25:33,679
Speaker 9: be you know, we're gonna slowly see different types of family,

1538
01:25:33,760 --> 01:25:35,479
Speaker 9: what family means to different people.

1539
01:25:37,600 --> 01:25:39,320
Speaker 8: But yeah, I think it just depends where you are.

1540
01:25:39,720 --> 01:25:43,679
Speaker 9: Zim is you know way too to be accepting life

1541
01:25:43,840 --> 01:25:44,800
Speaker 9: life partner.

1542
01:25:46,400 --> 01:25:48,120
Speaker 8: They'd be like, yeah, yeah.

1543
01:25:48,200 --> 01:25:52,320
Speaker 9: So it's just whereas here it's common, like it's probably

1544
01:25:52,320 --> 01:25:54,920
Speaker 9: more common sometimes than getting married. We'll see marriage as

1545
01:25:54,960 --> 01:25:58,080
Speaker 9: an expense, wedding day as an expense, which we all

1546
01:25:58,120 --> 01:26:00,880
Speaker 9: know it is. So there are not put that money

1547
01:26:00,880 --> 01:26:03,200
Speaker 9: to our house and they can both you know, move

1548
01:26:03,240 --> 01:26:04,040
Speaker 9: on with their lives.

1549
01:26:04,720 --> 01:26:06,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, cool.

1550
01:26:06,600 --> 01:26:07,000
Speaker 3: I mean.

1551
01:26:08,800 --> 01:26:13,760
Speaker 17: Yeah, for me personally, marriage take it or leave it,

1552
01:26:15,040 --> 01:26:20,800
Speaker 17: don't really have any real you know, uh push towards it.

1553
01:26:21,760 --> 01:26:26,400
Speaker 17: Like woom Be said, it's just if you've grown up

1554
01:26:26,400 --> 01:26:28,960
Speaker 17: and not seen great examples of it, you don't really

1555
01:26:28,960 --> 01:26:32,719
Speaker 17: buy into that concept, right, The institution doesn't really resonate

1556
01:26:32,760 --> 01:26:36,240
Speaker 17: for you because you're associated with so much negativity and

1557
01:26:36,280 --> 01:26:38,639
Speaker 17: that sort of thing. But on the other hand, yeah,

1558
01:26:38,840 --> 01:26:50,439
Speaker 17: like a celebrations, you know, oh that of festivity, all.

1559
01:26:50,320 --> 01:26:53,720
Speaker 6: Of those things, right, and yeah, like I feel, you know,

1560
01:26:54,560 --> 01:26:59,640
Speaker 6: I don't know, maybe it's over generalizing, but marriages and

1561
01:26:59,720 --> 01:27:03,439
Speaker 6: with th boys never really grow up, you know, dreaming

1562
01:27:03,479 --> 01:27:07,040
Speaker 6: about this thing or like what color schemes or anything

1563
01:27:07,200 --> 01:27:08,880
Speaker 6: like that, right, Like for us, it's.

1564
01:27:08,800 --> 01:27:11,120
Speaker 4: Usually we're just going to show up to this thing

1565
01:27:11,160 --> 01:27:13,960
Speaker 4: in a suit and then it's happening sort of thing.

1566
01:27:14,120 --> 01:27:17,160
Speaker 6: Right, So I don't think we fantasize it as much

1567
01:27:17,200 --> 01:27:21,280
Speaker 6: and that sort of thing. But in terms of yeah,

1568
01:27:21,320 --> 01:27:24,960
Speaker 6: the respect, yeah for sure, because trying to tell people

1569
01:27:25,400 --> 01:27:37,120
Speaker 6: this is my partner, my life, they don't translate in short, right,

1570
01:27:37,200 --> 01:27:39,600
Speaker 6: You can't translate some of those things because when you

1571
01:27:39,680 --> 01:27:42,240
Speaker 6: translated in short, it sounds even more simplified.

1572
01:27:44,600 --> 01:27:47,519
Speaker 4: You know, It's like, yeah, it's.

1573
01:27:47,320 --> 01:27:51,479
Speaker 9: Also steeped in religion, so you know, steeped so much

1574
01:27:51,479 --> 01:27:55,120
Speaker 9: in religion, whereas Australia is not as religious, so there's

1575
01:27:55,160 --> 01:27:58,439
Speaker 9: not that pressure as well from the church to be married.

1576
01:27:59,200 --> 01:28:01,320
Speaker 2: Sure, so context here for sure.

1577
01:28:02,040 --> 01:28:05,519
Speaker 1: All right, I mean, guys, we could go on, but

1578
01:28:05,800 --> 01:28:10,439
Speaker 1: this was so much fun. Thank you all for being

1579
01:28:10,439 --> 01:28:13,320
Speaker 1: a part of this, for sharing your experiences so honestly

1580
01:28:13,560 --> 01:28:14,240
Speaker 1: and vulnerably.

1581
01:28:14,320 --> 01:28:15,439
Speaker 2: That's what we're about here.

1582
01:28:16,360 --> 01:28:18,840
Speaker 1: To our viewers, thank you so much for tuning in

1583
01:28:20,160 --> 01:28:22,960
Speaker 1: so you have the pleasure of spending.

1584
01:28:22,640 --> 01:28:26,120
Speaker 2: Time with Daby and Crazy our guests for today.

1585
01:28:26,360 --> 01:28:34,000
Speaker 1: Thank you gents, it's a pleasure and a special thanks

1586
01:28:34,000 --> 01:28:36,759
Speaker 1: to Ruby and Amanda, who are who have been hosting

1587
01:28:36,800 --> 01:28:42,160
Speaker 1: this Late Expectations you know series with us on bo

1588
01:28:42,360 --> 01:28:43,439
Speaker 1: So thank you ladies.

1589
01:28:44,680 --> 01:28:46,320
Speaker 3: You're welcome, thanks for having us.

1590
01:28:47,320 --> 01:28:48,920
Speaker 1: You have no problem and you guys can check out

1591
01:28:48,960 --> 01:28:51,880
Speaker 1: their podcast, yeah we had to. You can check out

1592
01:28:51,880 --> 01:28:56,400
Speaker 1: their podcast on it's lay it on Apple. I think

1593
01:28:56,439 --> 01:28:59,439
Speaker 1: it is Spotify everywhere all the.

1594
01:29:00,080 --> 01:29:03,120
Speaker 2: But only know Apple and Google.

1595
01:29:03,240 --> 01:29:05,840
Speaker 3: Then the podcast, I don't know what the Google want.

1596
01:29:05,760 --> 01:29:08,559
Speaker 1: Is, and YouTube and all the nice things, and then

1597
01:29:08,600 --> 01:29:12,280
Speaker 1: obviously we'll put out we'll put our social handles. You

1598
01:29:12,320 --> 01:29:16,440
Speaker 1: can get us on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook.

1599
01:29:16,439 --> 01:29:17,280
Speaker 2: Our website.

1600
01:29:17,560 --> 01:29:20,800
Speaker 1: Thank you for being here as always, and take care

1601
01:29:20,800 --> 01:29:22,519
Speaker 1: of yourselves soon