1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,080 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:10,160 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. 3 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:13,440 Speaker 2: Now, when we empower our children, when we give them 4 00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:15,520 Speaker 2: that autonomy, when we give them that belief, when we 5 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:17,760 Speaker 2: give them the sense of confidence and the sense that 6 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:20,360 Speaker 2: they are enough, that we love them as they are. 7 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:23,680 Speaker 2: The voice that they hear as they mature will not 8 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:26,080 Speaker 2: be ours. It will be theirs because we've allowed them 9 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:28,120 Speaker 2: to have a voice in the first place. 10 00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:31,760 Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom 11 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:32,240 Speaker 1: and dad. 12 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:35,000 Speaker 2: So we've just had a revelation. We've just realized something 13 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:36,080 Speaker 2: that we didn't realize before. 14 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:39,600 Speaker 1: Well you have anyway, Well I changed my earrings today. Yeah, 15 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:42,160 Speaker 1: and I've got ones with backings on them, and these 16 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:45,280 Speaker 1: headphones are literally giving me accupunch. 17 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:46,880 Speaker 2: Of points we get to the podcast. If you're wearing 18 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,199 Speaker 2: your earrings, Oh my goodness. I hope we can get 19 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:51,280 Speaker 2: through this. I believe in you. I believe in you. 20 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:55,000 Speaker 2: But it's Justin and Kylie. It's Mental Health Awareness Month 21 00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:58,280 Speaker 2: all October. We're not going to talk about mental illnesses 22 00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,800 Speaker 2: every single day, but we're going to talk about issues 23 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:03,640 Speaker 2: related to mental health and how we can help our 24 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:07,840 Speaker 2: kids to be strong, to be emotionally capable, resilient, have 25 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:11,039 Speaker 2: high levels of well being. How we can help to 26 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:15,840 Speaker 2: build their sense of self and Kylie today, what I 27 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:18,360 Speaker 2: want to focus on are the words that we say 28 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:22,360 Speaker 2: that become our children's inner voice, That the way that 29 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:27,280 Speaker 2: we talked about children becomes what they actually hear on 30 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 2: the inside. 31 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:31,280 Speaker 1: Of all the conversations I had growing up, there are 32 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:34,039 Speaker 1: two things that were repeatedly said to me, one by 33 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:36,240 Speaker 1: my mum and one by my grandma when I was 34 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:41,199 Speaker 1: younger that still to this day haunt me. Yeah, my mum, 35 00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:45,240 Speaker 1: whenever I would be eating a chocolate and just enjoying 36 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:47,040 Speaker 1: it with absolute. 37 00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:48,680 Speaker 2: Delight, let me guess, don't slush your food. 38 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,680 Speaker 1: No, she didn't. She would say, if I kept eating 39 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:55,400 Speaker 1: food like that, one day I would have thighs like hers. 40 00:01:55,640 --> 00:02:00,320 Speaker 2: Oh wow. Yeah. And when you reflect on or when 41 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,760 Speaker 2: you're eating chocolate, now, does that come back to you, like, 42 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:05,600 Speaker 2: how does that influence and affect you? 43 00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,639 Speaker 1: Now? It actually is not so much about when I'm eating, 44 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:11,000 Speaker 1: It's about what I see in the mirror. Because I 45 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,240 Speaker 1: do have thighs like her now, and clearly that's a 46 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:14,800 Speaker 1: bad thing. 47 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:18,040 Speaker 2: Because Mother, I would disagree. I would disagree. You definitely 48 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,560 Speaker 2: don't have thighs like your mom. I'm just saying that 49 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,720 Speaker 2: I feel like I have to say that, but no, no, 50 00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 2: I'm truly saying what was your grandma's comment? 51 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:28,120 Speaker 1: My nan was not a religious woman at all. She 52 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,720 Speaker 1: actually really struggled with the fact that my family chose 53 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:33,680 Speaker 1: to be religious, and we lived with them for a 54 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:35,640 Speaker 1: period of time when we moved over from New Zealand 55 00:02:35,919 --> 00:02:39,400 Speaker 1: to Australia, and often she would catch me and my 56 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:42,400 Speaker 1: sister fighting, and because I was the oldest, she would 57 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,919 Speaker 1: always say, you should be ashamed of yourself. Christian girls 58 00:02:45,919 --> 00:02:49,800 Speaker 1: don't act like that. And so whenever I do anything 59 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:52,160 Speaker 1: wrong or I say the wrong thing, there's just that 60 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:56,120 Speaker 1: sense of shame. Instead of having the acknowledgment that I'm 61 00:02:56,280 --> 00:03:00,880 Speaker 1: a learning, growing, evolving person, there's this sense of I'm 62 00:03:00,919 --> 00:03:01,720 Speaker 1: a bad person. 63 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:04,200 Speaker 2: So I had a question written down here that I 64 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:06,799 Speaker 2: haven't shown you, but I wanted to ask you, what 65 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:09,000 Speaker 2: does your critical inner voice sound like? Because you know 66 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:10,960 Speaker 2: how we've always got a voice going in our head 67 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:14,560 Speaker 2: and sometimes it's really critical. Sometimes it really castigates us 68 00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:17,000 Speaker 2: and gives us a hard time. It can be so 69 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:22,000 Speaker 2: capricious when you hear that critical inner voice. What does 70 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,959 Speaker 2: it sound like or who does it sound like? My nan? 71 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,120 Speaker 1: Actually, yeah right, it sounds. 72 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,639 Speaker 2: Like a sort of a bitter old woman. Yeah yeah. 73 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:32,679 Speaker 2: When I think of the times where I'm critical of myself, 74 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,960 Speaker 2: it sounds like one of three people. I've got to say, 75 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:39,320 Speaker 2: my parents are just wonderful people. If they heard if 76 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,440 Speaker 2: they heard me saying this, they'd be crushed. And yet 77 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,000 Speaker 2: it's probably true for almost all of us. It's not 78 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:46,200 Speaker 2: unique just to my folks or your folks or whatever. 79 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,680 Speaker 2: But so often I hear my mum's voice, especially when 80 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,880 Speaker 2: I'm not doing things well enough. There's that expectation that 81 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,000 Speaker 2: I've got to be perfect, I need to do it better, 82 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:58,960 Speaker 2: and I just keep on hearing my mum's critical, high 83 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:02,560 Speaker 2: expectation voice, pushing and pushing and pushing for more and 84 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:05,040 Speaker 2: more and more. But every now and again, I also 85 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,560 Speaker 2: hear my dad's voice. That's the cranky voice, and because 86 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,560 Speaker 2: my dad gets a bit grumpy every now and again, 87 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:13,600 Speaker 2: and the third voice is just me. Sometimes it's almost 88 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,920 Speaker 2: like I've internalized their voices and it's become a hybrid 89 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,960 Speaker 2: voice that's mine, and regardless of what it is, it's 90 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,600 Speaker 2: those same messages that I was getting when I was 91 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:26,640 Speaker 2: a kid. And I want to really emphasize in this 92 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:30,039 Speaker 2: podcast what we can do to reduce the likelihood that 93 00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:33,680 Speaker 2: our children when they're hearing those voices as they get older, 94 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,520 Speaker 2: we're just likelihood that it's our voice. Help them to 95 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:39,680 Speaker 2: develop their own in a voice and hopefully have a 96 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:42,520 Speaker 2: much healthier in a voice than the one that we 97 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:45,680 Speaker 2: could so easily give them if we if we're not careful. 98 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,880 Speaker 1: There's a quote by Peggy O'Mara and she actually said, 99 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:51,640 Speaker 1: the way we talk to our children becomes their in 100 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:54,880 Speaker 1: a voice. And there was another thing that was said 101 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:56,480 Speaker 1: to me. It was literally only said to me once, 102 00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,599 Speaker 1: but my mum looked at my handwriting one day and 103 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,480 Speaker 1: compared to my best friend who had the most magnificent, 104 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:08,520 Speaker 1: glorious writing, and she said, why can't you write like her? Oh? 105 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:11,480 Speaker 1: And just again that comparison. And so as I do 106 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:14,600 Speaker 1: things creatively, I'm constantly looking around me to go, how 107 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:15,599 Speaker 1: come I can't do it like that? 108 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, there's that whole thing of I could just never 109 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:21,640 Speaker 2: do enough, I could never be enough. I was never 110 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:25,160 Speaker 2: good enough. But then there's also that sense of frustration 111 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:25,760 Speaker 2: for me. 112 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,520 Speaker 1: When I think about the things that we're sharing. There's 113 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:31,120 Speaker 1: this acknowledgment that the things that they said to us 114 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,560 Speaker 1: was actually more a reflection of who they were and 115 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:34,599 Speaker 1: how they felt about them. 116 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,040 Speaker 2: Oh that's so, that's so good. Just last week I 117 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,159 Speaker 2: was getting cranky at you because you're on your screen. 118 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:40,760 Speaker 2: You've been saying to me that you want to go 119 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,599 Speaker 2: to the gym and you want to improve it your eating, 120 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:44,680 Speaker 2: and I've been following you up on that, like, so 121 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:45,640 Speaker 2: what are you going to do? When are you going 122 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:46,599 Speaker 2: to go to the gym? When are you going to 123 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:48,960 Speaker 2: improve your eating? But it occurred to me that the 124 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,920 Speaker 2: two things that I seem to talk to you about 125 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:53,680 Speaker 2: the most are the two things that I'm struggling with 126 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,360 Speaker 2: the most myself. That is, I've let myself go physically 127 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:58,640 Speaker 2: and I'm on my screen too much. So it's so 128 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:02,240 Speaker 2: fascinating that you say that that we're reflecting those things. 129 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,400 Speaker 2: Regardless though that becomes the invoice of other people. I mean, 130 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,360 Speaker 2: how old were you before you finally stopped worrying about 131 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:08,240 Speaker 2: what your parents thought? 132 00:06:09,279 --> 00:06:09,520 Speaker 1: For me? 133 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:11,880 Speaker 2: I reckon I was forty, maybe a little bit younger, 134 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:14,120 Speaker 2: maybe a little bit old, but somewhere around there. So 135 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:19,640 Speaker 2: let's talk about how we can have empowering conversations with 136 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:23,599 Speaker 2: our children that help them believe in themselves and that 137 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:27,760 Speaker 2: give them the confidence in their own inner voice that 138 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:30,400 Speaker 2: they don't hear us or a nagging version of us 139 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,120 Speaker 2: throughout the rest of their lives. 140 00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:35,360 Speaker 1: I'm wondering if it would be helpful to actually go 141 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,200 Speaker 1: to the other end of the spectrum to actually look 142 00:06:38,279 --> 00:06:40,520 Speaker 1: at what is the voice we actually want our kids 143 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:42,440 Speaker 1: to hear, and then work our way backwards. How do 144 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:43,039 Speaker 1: we achieve that? 145 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:46,320 Speaker 2: Yeah. So I've got three ideas that will help us 146 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,680 Speaker 2: to do that. And that's why I use that word empowerment, 147 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:51,440 Speaker 2: because I don't want to hear a critical inner voice. 148 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,080 Speaker 2: I want to hear an empowering, strengthening voice. 149 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:56,960 Speaker 1: Yeah. I want to know that my children, when they're 150 00:06:56,960 --> 00:07:00,279 Speaker 1: faced with a challenge, aren't going to see themselves or 151 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:03,120 Speaker 1: hear that voice that says you've got no hope, there's 152 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:06,000 Speaker 1: no chance you're going to get through this, and actually 153 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,960 Speaker 1: have a voice that says you've got. 154 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:12,640 Speaker 2: This, Yeah, a resilience building, hope building voice. So I've 155 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,320 Speaker 2: got three ideas that I think are going to help, 156 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:16,000 Speaker 2: and they tie in with what we call our basic 157 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:19,320 Speaker 2: psychological needs or almost all the time in the podcast, 158 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:20,960 Speaker 2: I'm talking about these needs, and the new book that 159 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,200 Speaker 2: I'm writing is about them as well. So I reckon 160 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:27,720 Speaker 2: we should explore three different conversation principles that can help 161 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:31,480 Speaker 2: to build a strong, hopeful, resilient in a voice in 162 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:35,200 Speaker 2: our kids and hopefully reduce the likelihood that they're going 163 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,120 Speaker 2: to need something like Mental Health Awareness Month to get through. 164 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:39,559 Speaker 1: What's number one? 165 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:42,440 Speaker 2: So the first one relates to what we would call 166 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:45,840 Speaker 2: the relatedness need, the need to belong They need to 167 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:49,360 Speaker 2: feel connected and close to someone. When we're talking about this, 168 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:53,600 Speaker 2: we're talking about the voice that promotes belonging and understanding 169 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,920 Speaker 2: and empathy. So when our children are having a hard time, 170 00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:59,720 Speaker 2: or they're being challenged, or they're being challenging, that is 171 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:01,960 Speaker 2: when I kids are driving us up the wall. The 172 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:07,360 Speaker 2: kind of language that we often use distances them from us. 173 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,320 Speaker 2: So we say stop it, calm down, be quiet, go 174 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:12,120 Speaker 2: to your room. I've had enough, I can't stand at 175 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:14,280 Speaker 2: it anymore. You're driving me crazy. We say all those 176 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:17,560 Speaker 2: kinds of things, and obviously the voice that they're hearing 177 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:21,240 Speaker 2: is one that's deeply critical and absolutely awful. When you 178 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:23,920 Speaker 2: think about when our children are struggling and we actually 179 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:27,440 Speaker 2: get it right and we give them that belonging, empathic, 180 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:30,040 Speaker 2: understanding voice, what kind of things would our kids be 181 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 2: hearing instead. 182 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:34,959 Speaker 1: Well, first of all, it's not actually heard, it's felt. 183 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:39,320 Speaker 1: It's that hard, it's that pulling them close into us physically, 184 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,360 Speaker 1: and then just in acknowledgment that they're having a hard 185 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:43,040 Speaker 1: time right now. 186 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,280 Speaker 2: That's exactly the line I was going to use. This 187 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:47,440 Speaker 2: was not pre planned, but I was literally going to say, 188 00:08:47,679 --> 00:08:49,880 Speaker 2: there's something about when somebody says to you, you are 189 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:52,679 Speaker 2: having such a hard time right now? This is so tough, 190 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:56,880 Speaker 2: isn't it. And it's an inclusive voice. I see you, 191 00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:00,720 Speaker 2: I value you, I get what your experience. And what 192 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:03,400 Speaker 2: it does is it builds closeness, it builds comfort, and 193 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 2: lets our kids know that the experience is, the emotions 194 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,959 Speaker 2: they're having are a normal and healthy part of the 195 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:12,240 Speaker 2: human experience, and that there's somebody beside them to guide 196 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:12,839 Speaker 2: them through it. 197 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:14,199 Speaker 1: So that's the. 198 00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:16,760 Speaker 2: First part of getting this voice right. It's a voice 199 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:20,839 Speaker 2: that encourages closeness, belonging, empathy, and understanding. 200 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:21,960 Speaker 1: What's number two? 201 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:26,000 Speaker 2: This is where we actually tap into the second basic 202 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:27,880 Speaker 2: psychological need that our kids have, and that is a 203 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:31,480 Speaker 2: sense of competence. So normally, when our children are losing it, 204 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:34,920 Speaker 2: when they're behaving in unhappy, unhealthy, drive you up the 205 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:38,319 Speaker 2: wall kind of ways, they're doing it because they are 206 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:41,679 Speaker 2: experiencing stress. They don't have the skills and the capacity 207 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,800 Speaker 2: to meet the moment. That's when they show a lack 208 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,880 Speaker 2: of resilience. That's when they fall apart. They don't have 209 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,760 Speaker 2: the skills and the capacity to deal with what is 210 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,839 Speaker 2: landing on them. Whether it's a big brother or sister 211 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:56,200 Speaker 2: who's giving them a hard time, or overwhelming homework and 212 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:59,400 Speaker 2: schoolwork stress, or not getting picked for the team, or 213 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:01,880 Speaker 2: the veteran being such a mess. They can't deal with 214 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,880 Speaker 2: it on their own. Whatever it is, it's too big 215 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:07,199 Speaker 2: for them. They end up in this big emotional meltdown. 216 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:10,240 Speaker 2: And our job there is not just to connect with 217 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:13,959 Speaker 2: them and help them to feel safe emotionally, but it's 218 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:18,520 Speaker 2: also to let them know that we believe in their capacity. 219 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,880 Speaker 2: And so as we say this is really hard, or 220 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,640 Speaker 2: you're really worried, or I get what's going on for you, 221 00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:25,920 Speaker 2: I can see it. Come here and be close to 222 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,320 Speaker 2: me and let me give you a hug. We promote 223 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:32,000 Speaker 2: competence and capability beliefs. You think about it that in 224 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,600 Speaker 2: a voice. Imagine if you've got an inner voice that 225 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:36,079 Speaker 2: believes in you by saying things like you've got this, 226 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:40,320 Speaker 2: or I believe in you, or there is a way 227 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:44,080 Speaker 2: forward and you know how to get there. It's about 228 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,640 Speaker 2: having that conversation with them where you're expressing a belief 229 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:50,600 Speaker 2: in their ability to get things right. With an older teenager, 230 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:53,120 Speaker 2: you might say, you're in a really tough spot here, 231 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:58,200 Speaker 2: but I know that you've been taught well and that 232 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,000 Speaker 2: you know the way forward from here. Now, we'll still 233 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,280 Speaker 2: support them, We'll still say what do you need? How 234 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:04,960 Speaker 2: can I help one? That kind of thing which brings 235 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:08,680 Speaker 2: us close, But we're we're expressing our confidence in their capacity. 236 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,080 Speaker 2: That's really what we're looking at here. 237 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,160 Speaker 1: I was reflecting the other morning as I was writing 238 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:19,320 Speaker 1: in my journal about this exact thing, and having watched 239 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,840 Speaker 1: a few of our children really have to wrestle with 240 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:24,160 Speaker 1: some of the decisions that they've been making in their lives, 241 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:29,520 Speaker 1: and how excruciatingly painful it is as a parent watching 242 00:11:29,559 --> 00:11:32,520 Speaker 1: them go through that wrestle and wanting to fix it 243 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:38,080 Speaker 1: for them, and yet there is just something so exquisite 244 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:43,680 Speaker 1: about coming through the other end and seeing them come 245 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:47,199 Speaker 1: to their own understanding or their own you know, kind 246 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:48,679 Speaker 1: of success as they move. 247 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,040 Speaker 2: Through it when I say I've done it. 248 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,160 Speaker 1: But as a parent, you just you want to fix it. 249 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,400 Speaker 1: You don't want them to have to wrestle, and yet 250 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,440 Speaker 1: the wrestle is where the learning and the growth is. 251 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:58,840 Speaker 2: I was talking about eldest storter just the other day, Chanelle. 252 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:01,000 Speaker 2: She's in her early twenty married for a couple of years, 253 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:04,920 Speaker 2: and she was grappling with something and try to figure 254 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,960 Speaker 2: things out. And I just said to her, don't you 255 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:08,480 Speaker 2: just wish that you knew the end from the beginning. 256 00:12:08,559 --> 00:12:10,640 Speaker 2: It wouldn't be amazing if we knew how this was 257 00:12:10,679 --> 00:12:12,840 Speaker 2: going to play out. And she said, oh so badly. 258 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,880 Speaker 2: And that was that whole belonging and understanding and empathy. 259 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:18,079 Speaker 2: And I just said to her, I know that you'll 260 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,640 Speaker 2: figure this out. I know that you'll figure this out. 261 00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:22,880 Speaker 2: You've got this, and I didn't have to fix it. 262 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,400 Speaker 2: And there was something in our conversation where she sensed 263 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:28,040 Speaker 2: the belief that I have in her, and there was 264 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,920 Speaker 2: a resilience response. She was like, yeah, I know, I 265 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,600 Speaker 2: know we'll get there. It'll take some time, but we'll 266 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:34,000 Speaker 2: get there. 267 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,439 Speaker 1: But do I have to be an adult? Yeah? 268 00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,960 Speaker 2: No, do I have to be an adult? What's number three? 269 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,520 Speaker 2: So the third part of this is related to the 270 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,480 Speaker 2: third basic psychological need that our kids have, and that 271 00:12:43,559 --> 00:12:46,880 Speaker 2: is a need for autonomy. We need to encourage your autonomy. 272 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:49,920 Speaker 2: And this is why it makes such a difference, because 273 00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:52,160 Speaker 2: when I say to you, I know it's hard, give 274 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:53,840 Speaker 2: us a hug. I'm right here for you. You know what, 275 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,560 Speaker 2: I believe in you. I know you've got this. What 276 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:59,240 Speaker 2: do you think? Where do you reckon? We should go 277 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,320 Speaker 2: from here? How can I help? What will be the 278 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:05,640 Speaker 2: best thing for us to do next? That conversation essentially 279 00:13:05,679 --> 00:13:09,680 Speaker 2: says you can be the master of your destiny. The 280 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:12,400 Speaker 2: answer is inside you. You've got my full support. I'm 281 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,040 Speaker 2: standing here and I won't let you go astray. Like 282 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,199 Speaker 2: if you're going to say something really, really dumb, I'll 283 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:18,360 Speaker 2: just sort of wind you back in and say, well, 284 00:13:18,559 --> 00:13:20,199 Speaker 2: I wonder what would happen if you did that? Can 285 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:21,679 Speaker 2: you think of any other ideas that might be a 286 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:25,959 Speaker 2: little safe or a little less risky. So as parents, 287 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,280 Speaker 2: we get to say I believe in you. I'm going 288 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:30,720 Speaker 2: to give you. I'm going to give you the wheel 289 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:34,600 Speaker 2: and let you steer the car. But as a parent, 290 00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:37,959 Speaker 2: based on your age, or your experience or your maturity, 291 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,400 Speaker 2: I am still going to stay close just so that 292 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,400 Speaker 2: I can guide the process. In CAGs, you kind of 293 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:45,920 Speaker 2: go way off off track. But those three things building 294 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:49,520 Speaker 2: the relationship, the sense of belonging, saying I believe in you, 295 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:55,400 Speaker 2: supporting that sense of competence, and really encouraging autonomy. Those 296 00:13:55,559 --> 00:14:00,720 Speaker 2: three elements are the kinds of conversations that build a 297 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:03,880 Speaker 2: strong and positive inner voice for our kids. And if 298 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,800 Speaker 2: our voice becomes their inner voice, that's the kind of 299 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,079 Speaker 2: voice we want them to hear. Right, that's what we're after. 300 00:14:09,679 --> 00:14:14,000 Speaker 2: I love it, thanks, Han, I love that you're looking 301 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:15,880 Speaker 2: at me like I said something that was really good. 302 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:18,320 Speaker 1: I have a little bit of an off track question 303 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,440 Speaker 1: to ask. We started the conversation about our own invoice, 304 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:25,040 Speaker 1: and for many of us it's quite negative. How do 305 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:28,240 Speaker 1: we change that? Well, because the reality is it's not 306 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:32,280 Speaker 1: our voice, So how do we find our own voice? 307 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, quite often it's not our voice at someone else's. 308 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,400 Speaker 2: We find our own voice by doing a couple of things, 309 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:40,000 Speaker 2: and they tie in with the principles that I've just shared. 310 00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:43,320 Speaker 2: So when it comes to that idea of belonging and empathy, 311 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,080 Speaker 2: having a good relationship with your child, so that the 312 00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:49,560 Speaker 2: invoice is kind and warm. For us, we have compassion 313 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,560 Speaker 2: for ourselves. That's called self compassion. So we recognize that 314 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,800 Speaker 2: when we're having a hard time, we're human like everyone else, 315 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,880 Speaker 2: and everyone has hard times, even if their Instagram feeds 316 00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:59,520 Speaker 2: don't show it. So that's what we do there. In 317 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:02,360 Speaker 2: terms of the a competence need, that sense that we 318 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:05,200 Speaker 2: say to our kids, you've got this, we can actually 319 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,120 Speaker 2: say that to ourselves. We can reflect and say, Okay, 320 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,920 Speaker 2: I've reached this stage in life, and i haven't done 321 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:13,280 Speaker 2: it by accident, like I've actually had successes to get here. 322 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,560 Speaker 2: You don't stumble from one failure to another. Well, I 323 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:17,680 Speaker 2: guess in some ways we kind of do. But our 324 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:20,320 Speaker 2: failure we keep on failing forward, failing up right, which 325 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:23,400 Speaker 2: means that we're learning, progressing and developing. We're getting better 326 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:26,840 Speaker 2: as we go. So we're self compassionate. We acknowledge that 327 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,080 Speaker 2: we've actually figured some things out. Therefore we have the 328 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,520 Speaker 2: level of competence, a degree of competence to be at 329 00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:35,160 Speaker 2: this point, and then we recognize that nobody's forcing us 330 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:38,400 Speaker 2: to do anything. Here, we actually have all the choice 331 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:40,880 Speaker 2: in the world. Even when we feel completely stuck. It 332 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,880 Speaker 2: might be I can't leave my job, or I can't 333 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,480 Speaker 2: leave my town, or I can't do this, you actually can. 334 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:49,280 Speaker 2: It's not always wise to throw caution to the wind. 335 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:52,800 Speaker 2: I'm not suggesting we do that, but when we recognize 336 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:55,880 Speaker 2: that we are choosing every single day, every single hour, 337 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:59,960 Speaker 2: every single minute, the life that will be in gives 338 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:03,040 Speaker 2: a sense that, Okay, so I've chosen this. The decisions 339 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:04,480 Speaker 2: that I've made at this point have led me to 340 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:07,280 Speaker 2: be who I am. Therefore, I have chosen this. Even 341 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:09,720 Speaker 2: if not all of the choices were mine. I didn't 342 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,520 Speaker 2: necessarily choose to have a child with additional needs, or 343 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,240 Speaker 2: I didn't necessarily choose to have a partner who left me. However, 344 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:18,920 Speaker 2: the choices up to this point ultimately have brought me 345 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:20,880 Speaker 2: to where I am, and I can choose at this 346 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,640 Speaker 2: point to move forward. I know that's a little bit provocative. 347 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:26,320 Speaker 2: It's also a little bit controversial for some, but the 348 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:29,000 Speaker 2: intent behind this is if we're kind to ourselves, if 349 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,560 Speaker 2: we believe in ourselves, and if we start making choices today. 350 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,800 Speaker 2: We can't change the past, but we can certainly change 351 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:35,360 Speaker 2: the future by the choices we make. I guess that's 352 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,400 Speaker 2: where I'm kind of going with this. We shouldn't be 353 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,480 Speaker 2: constrained by what's happened, and I think that as we 354 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,760 Speaker 2: do that and start to have those success experiences and 355 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,320 Speaker 2: be kind to ourselves, we actually discovered that we're not 356 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:48,520 Speaker 2: so bad and life is worth living. So that's how 357 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,960 Speaker 2: I would respond in brief. There's other things like going 358 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,880 Speaker 2: and getting help, having psychological assistance, getting some cognitive behavior 359 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:57,600 Speaker 2: or therapy from a counselor or a therapist. Those kinds 360 00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:58,560 Speaker 2: of things will also help. 361 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:01,040 Speaker 1: As I've done my own in a work, I've really 362 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:04,040 Speaker 1: found that kind of working through that process and striving 363 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,680 Speaker 1: to actually find my own voice has been so powerful 364 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:10,160 Speaker 1: as I've moved forward in my own life and as 365 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:14,080 Speaker 1: a mother trying to help navigate help my children navigate 366 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,360 Speaker 1: the challenges that they're experiencing. So today we talked about 367 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:22,119 Speaker 1: three things relatedness, competence, and autonomy, and as we can 368 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:25,320 Speaker 1: build those in our children, they're in a voice will 369 00:17:25,359 --> 00:17:27,960 Speaker 1: be one of support, love, and compassion. 370 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:30,320 Speaker 2: Well, and let me emphasize one more thing there in 371 00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:32,520 Speaker 2: a voice will be theirs. When we come from an 372 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:37,000 Speaker 2: environment that is controlling and restrictive, that's always putting us 373 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,719 Speaker 2: down and pointing the direction for what you need to do, 374 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,480 Speaker 2: and you should have done this, and you shouldn't have 375 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,800 Speaker 2: done that, and you must and you mustn't. And when 376 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:47,600 Speaker 2: we have that, that's somebody else's voice intruding into ours. 377 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,679 Speaker 2: But when we empower our children, when we give them 378 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,800 Speaker 2: that autonomy, when we give them that belief, when we 379 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:55,000 Speaker 2: give them the sense of confidence and the sense that 380 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,640 Speaker 2: they are enough, that we love them as they are, 381 00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:01,439 Speaker 2: the voice that they hear amateure will not be ours. 382 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,760 Speaker 2: It will be theirs because we've allowed them to have 383 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,359 Speaker 2: a voice in the first place. 384 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:07,160 Speaker 1: I think that's every parent's hope. 385 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,600 Speaker 2: Damn, I feel like that was just an awesome podcast. 386 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:13,239 Speaker 2: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from 387 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,719 Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer and if 388 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,800 Speaker 2: you want more info about making your family happier, please 389 00:18:18,119 --> 00:18:20,680 Speaker 2: please join us on our Facebook page Dr Justin Colson's 390 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,880 Speaker 2: Happy Families, or you can visit us at Happy Families 391 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:27,719 Speaker 2: dot com dot au.