WEBVTT - Adam Treloar - Ordineroli Speaking 0:00:05.760 --> 0:00:11.880 Ordinarily Speaking, carefree on the outside character, but I was 0:00:11.960 --> 0:00:15.640 living two lives, felt like I was a fraud on 0:00:15.680 --> 0:00:18.800 the inside. I was really struggling, and I was at 0:00:18.800 --> 0:00:22.160 a point where I was at my wits ends with 0:00:22.239 --> 0:00:23.840 my football in my life at the time. 0:00:30.640 --> 0:00:41.400 Tim, Hello, and welcome to Ordinarily Speaking, a brand new 0:00:41.440 --> 0:00:45.479 sports podcast that celebrates resilience and tells the human stories 0:00:45.560 --> 0:00:49.320 behind the athletes you know from AFAR. My name is 0:00:49.520 --> 0:00:53.040 Narrowly Meadows, and my guest today is a man by 0:00:53.080 --> 0:00:56.600 the name of Adam Challaw. He is an AFL star 0:00:56.800 --> 0:00:59.600 playing for the Collingwood Football Club, but it has taken 0:00:59.680 --> 0:01:02.880 him so many years to work out his footy does 0:01:02.920 --> 0:01:06.960 not define him. Now. This chat covers some pretty heavy topics, 0:01:07.000 --> 0:01:09.119 so if you're a parent, you might want to listen 0:01:09.120 --> 0:01:11.959 to it before your kids do. And if you are struggling, 0:01:12.120 --> 0:01:15.959 please ask for help. Lifeline dot org, dot au and 0:01:16.160 --> 0:01:18.760 beyond Blue just a couple of places that you can go. 0:01:19.240 --> 0:01:26.200 I hope you enjoyed the chat. Oh, thanks so much 0:01:26.240 --> 0:01:28.960 for spending some time with me. I really appreciate it. 0:01:29.280 --> 0:01:29.959 Thanks for having me. 0:01:30.560 --> 0:01:33.920 I've always found you a really interesting person to interview 0:01:34.040 --> 0:01:37.800 because as a journalist, you know, often when you ask 0:01:37.840 --> 0:01:41.039 people hard questions, they get defensive. That's, you know, human 0:01:41.160 --> 0:01:43.479 nature to do that. Whereas with you, over the years, 0:01:43.480 --> 0:01:45.480 every time I've interviewed you, I almost feel like I 0:01:45.520 --> 0:01:48.760 have to talk you back because you're so damn hard 0:01:48.760 --> 0:01:50.600 on yourself. Why is it so? 0:01:51.600 --> 0:01:53.800 I think Bucks can vouch for that because a lot 0:01:54.160 --> 0:01:56.720 of the times when we're talking about football, I tend 0:01:56.760 --> 0:01:59.240 to give away too much with the game plan whatnot. 0:01:59.280 --> 0:02:03.880 But no, I guess I'm pretty open, pretty honest with everything. 0:02:05.080 --> 0:02:08.919 I know. The last twelve months of have been. Wow, 0:02:09.040 --> 0:02:12.040 it's been interesting, to say the least, because firstly with 0:02:12.040 --> 0:02:15.079 that documentary that come out on the twenty eighteen season 0:02:15.120 --> 0:02:18.160 and obviously opened up a little bit about my own 0:02:18.200 --> 0:02:21.560 battles and yeah, a little bit that I've gone through 0:02:21.639 --> 0:02:25.959 and you know, we'll probably always go through because you can't, 0:02:26.280 --> 0:02:28.200 you know, you sort of I feel like you're sort 0:02:28.200 --> 0:02:31.120 of born with that. I mean, you can develop anxiety 0:02:31.240 --> 0:02:33.960 and worry and stress and whatever it is over time, 0:02:34.000 --> 0:02:36.560 but I think, you know, with might bring and my 0:02:36.680 --> 0:02:38.919 experiences in life, I was sort of, yeah, I was 0:02:38.960 --> 0:02:42.520 sort of born into that, and yeah, I still have 0:02:43.600 --> 0:02:47.000 my moments and whatnot, But I've well and truly found 0:02:47.000 --> 0:02:50.800 a good balance in my life now with my support 0:02:50.880 --> 0:02:55.200 staff and the people around me, the footy club, my partner, Kimmy, 0:02:56.000 --> 0:02:59.520 just everyone, just things that I've put into place that 0:02:59.800 --> 0:03:03.400 help me. And like I said, there's no way, there's 0:03:03.440 --> 0:03:07.959 no way with that support with with Kimmy, without MAXI 0:03:08.080 --> 0:03:12.560 without Bucks, without Jackie. 0:03:12.680 --> 0:03:15.160 Bucks is obviously the coach. Max is at the club 0:03:15.200 --> 0:03:16.600 helping out Yes, Yes, and. 0:03:16.960 --> 0:03:21.359 Yours Jackie, who started as my psych but is now 0:03:21.440 --> 0:03:24.640 one of my closest friends. She's she's almost like a 0:03:24.639 --> 0:03:28.399 big sister to me. And yeah, just that just the love, 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:31.200 support to help, the care I can keep going with 0:03:31.240 --> 0:03:33.560 words that they've showed me and given me and helped 0:03:33.600 --> 0:03:36.800 this that to this day is something I've just been 0:03:36.920 --> 0:03:39.840 incredible grateful for for the rest of my life. 0:03:40.320 --> 0:03:42.760 Born into anxiety, What does that mean? 0:03:43.320 --> 0:03:46.120 I think with my upbringing, so with it, I've always 0:03:46.160 --> 0:03:48.360 had it. I've always had it because of you know 0:03:48.400 --> 0:03:51.520 how I was not raised because my mom, my mum 0:03:51.600 --> 0:03:56.360 was a single mum. My stepdad he's been around since 0:03:56.400 --> 0:03:59.600 I've was born pretty much. So my dad, my biological 0:03:59.680 --> 0:04:03.920 dad who left my mom when my mom was Oh. 0:04:04.040 --> 0:04:06.400 I think she hadn't given birth yet or whatever it was, 0:04:06.440 --> 0:04:09.200 and so I don't know my biological dad and what's 0:04:09.200 --> 0:04:12.720 that like. Yeah, it was pretty tough because everyone talks about, 0:04:12.920 --> 0:04:15.720 you know, their parents, and I do say to my 0:04:15.760 --> 0:04:18.760 parents because my mum has been with my stepdad, who 0:04:20.360 --> 0:04:23.120 is the dad of my younger brother and sister. He 0:04:23.279 --> 0:04:26.400 was always my dad. But not to have my biological 0:04:26.440 --> 0:04:30.039 dad and to sort of know that, and I sort 0:04:30.040 --> 0:04:31.599 of had to do things on my own. I didn't 0:04:31.680 --> 0:04:36.200 have that, you know, the dad at the back, you know, 0:04:36.560 --> 0:04:40.640 just the cliche stuff, the things people with regular families 0:04:40.760 --> 0:04:43.479 who you know, haven't had to split up families take 0:04:43.480 --> 0:04:47.000 for granted. Those people can sort of take that for granted. 0:04:47.040 --> 0:04:48.839 Families like that because you know, they're used to it, 0:04:48.839 --> 0:04:52.680 They used to having cousins and whatever. I never had that. 0:04:52.720 --> 0:04:54.839 We didn't have that. It was just myself, my mom 0:04:55.360 --> 0:04:58.359 when I was young, my older brother who has a 0:04:58.360 --> 0:05:01.760 different dad too, So it was just all kind of 0:05:01.800 --> 0:05:04.440 craziness growing up. We grew up in a ministry house. 0:05:04.640 --> 0:05:07.560 I was born into a ministry house where which is 0:05:07.560 --> 0:05:10.600 obviously where the government pays for the house. We don't 0:05:10.600 --> 0:05:13.440 pay for it. You know. There was a number of times. 0:05:13.480 --> 0:05:16.320 And I know my Mum doesn't mind me talking about 0:05:16.360 --> 0:05:19.800 whatever I talk about because we're not like we were 0:05:19.920 --> 0:05:21.120 when I was growing up. 0:05:21.839 --> 0:05:22.839 And I think it's important. 0:05:23.120 --> 0:05:23.719 I think it is. 0:05:23.800 --> 0:05:26.400 Yeah, help other kids out there exactly, and to. 0:05:26.960 --> 0:05:30.239 Make it, I guess, and achieve something that I always 0:05:30.240 --> 0:05:33.359 wanted to achieve, which was playing AFL football and then 0:05:33.720 --> 0:05:37.440 to be I guess half successful at it. See once again, 0:05:40.160 --> 0:05:42.880 well that again that comes with I feel like all 0:05:42.920 --> 0:05:46.880 this stems from my childhood and growing up, and yeah, 0:05:47.200 --> 0:05:49.280 back to that, it's it's also going into school. When 0:05:49.320 --> 0:05:51.520 I was at school, you know, I was the you know, 0:05:51.720 --> 0:05:55.200 I genuinely think I was only liked at school and 0:05:55.279 --> 0:05:57.599 very popular because I was good at sports. Other than that, 0:05:58.120 --> 0:05:59.880 you know, I was the poor kid. I didn't have 0:06:00.080 --> 0:06:02.960 of the cool shoes or the clothes. And I remember 0:06:02.960 --> 0:06:05.560 I used to run in I used to run in 0:06:05.600 --> 0:06:09.520 all the cross countries and at the school, and I'd 0:06:09.560 --> 0:06:12.520 always make the state cross country, the state hurdles and whatnot. 0:06:12.560 --> 0:06:15.120 There was only two or three kids from our school, 0:06:15.240 --> 0:06:17.200 you know, every two years. It was very rare, and 0:06:17.240 --> 0:06:19.000 I used to making it and looking back on those 0:06:19.040 --> 0:06:21.400 photos because I went I went back to the primary 0:06:21.400 --> 0:06:25.560 school just this recent last couple of weeks, and there's 0:06:25.600 --> 0:06:27.920 an old photo of me in grade six standing there 0:06:27.960 --> 0:06:30.159 about to run the state cross country and I was 0:06:30.160 --> 0:06:33.960 with two other girls, and you know, they look like 0:06:34.040 --> 0:06:35.760 I was just looking at what we were wearing, and 0:06:36.320 --> 0:06:40.880 they were wearing like these beautiful assic runners and just gorgeous, 0:06:40.880 --> 0:06:43.440 and I was wearing these big beat up holes in 0:06:43.560 --> 0:06:46.359 the front so my toe was hanging out and taped 0:06:47.040 --> 0:06:50.320 basketball shoes that I would have brought from Savers or 0:06:50.839 --> 0:06:53.840 Salvation Army. And but that's what I mean, That's what 0:06:54.120 --> 0:06:56.640 that's sort of what I grew up with. And I 0:06:56.640 --> 0:07:00.400 think that's what I meant by, you know, not feeling 0:07:00.440 --> 0:07:04.080 good enough, not feeling like I belonged anxiety, because you know, 0:07:04.160 --> 0:07:06.839 I was never the you know, never the rich kid, 0:07:06.880 --> 0:07:09.040 never the I didn't have things that other people had. 0:07:09.080 --> 0:07:11.360 If I wanted to play PlayStation or whatever it was, 0:07:11.360 --> 0:07:13.640 I'd have to go to friends houses and play that. 0:07:13.760 --> 0:07:17.679 If I wanted, you know, something other than baked beans 0:07:17.760 --> 0:07:19.520 or spaghetti or whatever it was, I'd have to go 0:07:19.560 --> 0:07:22.440 to a friend's house. So I guess that's how I 0:07:22.480 --> 0:07:23.760 was sort of born into it, and that's what I 0:07:23.800 --> 0:07:27.040 brought with me into my footy because my get out 0:07:27.280 --> 0:07:30.480 outside of that was my footy. And what I just 0:07:30.520 --> 0:07:34.520 touched on with being popular at school, that purely would 0:07:34.520 --> 0:07:38.040 have been because of my sporting ability. So I embraced 0:07:38.040 --> 0:07:40.720 that and and I wanted to be the best at 0:07:40.720 --> 0:07:42.920 all my sporting and I knew if this is if 0:07:42.920 --> 0:07:45.360 this was what was going to be me, and this 0:07:45.440 --> 0:07:48.160 is what was going to I guess, not make me, 0:07:48.280 --> 0:07:51.760 because I'm far bigger than sport, but I guess in 0:07:51.800 --> 0:07:53.600 a way make me and help me succeed in life. 0:07:53.640 --> 0:07:55.200 Then there was something that I was going to chase, 0:07:55.240 --> 0:07:56.520 and I'm here now. 0:07:57.160 --> 0:08:00.760 So early on your you felt your worthyness and self 0:08:00.800 --> 0:08:03.760 worth was wrapped up in money, I guess, and what 0:08:03.800 --> 0:08:05.600 you didn't have, yeah. 0:08:05.600 --> 0:08:07.920 I guess, yeah, what I didn't have. And I'd go 0:08:07.960 --> 0:08:11.600 to school, and you know, kids being kids, like young kids, 0:08:11.600 --> 0:08:13.480 people look at you as the odd one out because 0:08:13.560 --> 0:08:16.240 you know, you're going to school with holes in your 0:08:16.240 --> 0:08:18.400 shorts and holes in your T shirt and you don't 0:08:18.440 --> 0:08:21.800 have shoes. And you know, we used to have the 0:08:22.200 --> 0:08:24.320 ESL room, which was like the English and Learning Center 0:08:24.360 --> 0:08:26.520 where at lunch, if you didn't have lunch, you can 0:08:26.560 --> 0:08:28.600 go there and get a free roll whatever it was 0:08:28.600 --> 0:08:32.400 for lunch. And I have to stress this was not 0:08:32.440 --> 0:08:34.240 off the back of my mum not trying. My mom 0:08:34.360 --> 0:08:39.160 was juggling my older brother, myself. She was living by herself. 0:08:40.080 --> 0:08:42.400 We're in a ministry house. She's trying it absolute best. 0:08:42.440 --> 0:08:47.240 She gave birth to my older brother when she was seventeen. 0:08:47.480 --> 0:08:50.120 I think she was seventeen. It's hard to get a 0:08:50.240 --> 0:08:52.000 job or someone to look after the kids. It was 0:08:52.040 --> 0:08:53.960 just really hard. Her mum had passed away when my 0:08:54.040 --> 0:08:59.719 mum was was, oh, thirteen or fourteen. And yeah, I 0:08:59.800 --> 0:09:02.800 get yeah, so I'm not making excuses, but they. 0:09:03.160 --> 0:09:05.120 Sort of are because she had a hard life. 0:09:05.160 --> 0:09:07.920 It's hard. It's hard, and she did it absolutely very 0:09:07.920 --> 0:09:11.200 best with us, And yeah, and I guess that's what 0:09:11.200 --> 0:09:12.880 I mean. That's what I mean. So it's not about 0:09:13.320 --> 0:09:14.880 not the fact that I didn't have money or we 0:09:14.880 --> 0:09:17.360 didn't have money. Why I had anxiety. It was just 0:09:17.920 --> 0:09:20.440 going to school and seeing other kids, and you know, 0:09:20.600 --> 0:09:23.559 little kids. You see now, I guess at that time 0:09:23.600 --> 0:09:25.199 you don't see because you're a kid. You see now, 0:09:25.400 --> 0:09:27.400 kids can be mean to each other. Kids always mean 0:09:27.400 --> 0:09:29.640 to each other at school, and they just say things. 0:09:30.200 --> 0:09:32.320 No I did. I did get teased for you know, 0:09:32.600 --> 0:09:34.280 not having food or clothes or. 0:09:34.360 --> 0:09:35.000 What kind of things. 0:09:35.000 --> 0:09:37.920 Would they say, Oh, yeah, it was just more laughing 0:09:37.960 --> 0:09:39.520 at me. It was more laughing at me. And I 0:09:39.559 --> 0:09:40.600 can't really remember what they were. 0:09:40.559 --> 0:09:42.280 Saying, but you can remember how it felt. 0:09:42.320 --> 0:09:45.160 Oh, I definitely remember how it felt, because you know, 0:09:45.200 --> 0:09:46.760 there was times where I didn't want to go to school, 0:09:46.760 --> 0:09:49.760 like I didn't really didn't want to go, and yeah, 0:09:50.080 --> 0:09:52.120 that's how it was. But like I said, I could 0:09:52.160 --> 0:09:55.880 always resort back to my sport and it was the 0:09:55.920 --> 0:09:58.360 only reason why I was, why I was popular at 0:09:58.360 --> 0:10:01.560 schools because of my sport. Other than that, no other reason. 0:10:02.440 --> 0:10:05.880 How do you feel about your biological dad. 0:10:06.880 --> 0:10:09.640 I've been asked this a few times, but there's no 0:10:09.679 --> 0:10:14.400 feeling there, Like I don't. My dad is my stepdad, 0:10:14.440 --> 0:10:17.920 who's been there since pretty much. I can remember my 0:10:18.679 --> 0:10:23.439 best friend's old man Sam, So, my best friend Ray Sam, 0:10:24.040 --> 0:10:28.559 he's another dad. My father in law was a he's 0:10:28.600 --> 0:10:32.360 another dad. But Sam and my stepdady's name is Ken. 0:10:33.480 --> 0:10:36.720 Those two us especially like I wouldn't. Yeah, I can't 0:10:37.920 --> 0:10:40.240 speak more highly of him, especially Sam. When I came 0:10:40.240 --> 0:10:44.240 into their life, I was I was thirteen, they just moved. 0:10:44.280 --> 0:10:45.920 They lived in Noble Park, I living down and long. 0:10:46.400 --> 0:10:51.240 They would have seen this scrawny little runt who used 0:10:51.280 --> 0:10:56.120 to train in basketball shoes and hand me down from 0:10:56.200 --> 0:10:59.000 the Salvos wwet shirts because that's what I used to wear, 0:10:59.040 --> 0:11:03.080 and big bodies because and everyone was wearing their favorite 0:11:03.080 --> 0:11:05.959 footy players at training and I wasn't wearing anything. And 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:08.800 I don't know what it was. I really don't know 0:11:08.840 --> 0:11:13.080 what it was. But Sam, Carol and Ray raised an 0:11:13.080 --> 0:11:16.520 only child. They took me in and when I knew that, 0:11:16.640 --> 0:11:20.120 I was welcomed because I was always hesitant. I could 0:11:20.200 --> 0:11:23.240 never stay at other people's houses, not even my cousin 0:11:23.320 --> 0:11:25.480 or my cousins or anything, because I'd always just want 0:11:25.520 --> 0:11:28.000 to be with my mum. When I sort of met 0:11:28.040 --> 0:11:30.679 Ray and we played foota together and I started to 0:11:30.679 --> 0:11:33.480 get more and more comfortable. I remember Ray one time 0:11:33.559 --> 0:11:35.280 asked me to stay at his house when I was 0:11:36.120 --> 0:11:38.280 thirteen or whatever it was, and I'd never stayed at 0:11:38.280 --> 0:11:43.079 anyone houses I'd been and try to, but I'd always 0:11:43.360 --> 0:11:44.920 cry at middle of the night or whatever it was, 0:11:44.960 --> 0:11:46.840 and asked to go home, and I'd get dropped home 0:11:48.080 --> 0:11:51.200 probably over twenty times, and yeah, this one time I 0:11:51.240 --> 0:11:54.920 went there, and yeah, I just never felt more at 0:11:54.920 --> 0:11:57.679 home than I was when I was there. And I 0:11:57.720 --> 0:11:59.880 stayed the night, and I reckon for a whole year, 0:12:00.080 --> 0:12:02.280 for two for a year to two years, every Friday 0:12:02.320 --> 0:12:05.280 would stay at Ray's house, and it became ritual. They 0:12:05.320 --> 0:12:07.920 became my second family, and to this day they are 0:12:08.000 --> 0:12:10.400 they're my you know, they're as close to me as 0:12:10.440 --> 0:12:13.040 I am with my mum. And I guess my brothers 0:12:13.040 --> 0:12:16.880 and Kim and yeah, Sam mc carroll definitely my second parents. 0:12:16.880 --> 0:12:20.560 And yeah, I guess that's sort of what saved me 0:12:20.600 --> 0:12:23.480 from going down a completely different path. Well and truly 0:12:23.520 --> 0:12:27.280 because my older brother, again not having any role models 0:12:27.280 --> 0:12:30.400 in our life. He's old man, wasn't in his life. 0:12:31.360 --> 0:12:34.480 It was just mum, you know. He hung out with 0:12:34.520 --> 0:12:37.120 the wrong crowd and got himself in a bit of trouble. 0:12:37.320 --> 0:12:40.240 He's now, thank God, I pray to God every day. 0:12:40.679 --> 0:12:45.680 That's touch is. He's got two kids, he's got another 0:12:45.760 --> 0:12:48.319 kid on the way. My older brother, he's settled as 0:12:48.360 --> 0:12:51.240 a house with his partner, and he was going down 0:12:51.280 --> 0:12:53.880 the complete opposite path. He was on the verge of 0:12:53.920 --> 0:12:56.800 going to jail. Or whatever it was. And and that 0:12:56.920 --> 0:12:59.320 was purely because we had nothing. We had absolutely nobody. 0:12:59.360 --> 0:13:01.199 And when I was at age, like I said with 0:13:01.640 --> 0:13:04.520 Sam and Carol and Ray, I was thirteen, I was 0:13:04.640 --> 0:13:06.079 this is when you start to branch out as a 0:13:06.080 --> 0:13:08.640 football player, I believe, because you physically start to develop 0:13:08.679 --> 0:13:10.760 a little bit more and whatnot. I don't know what 0:13:10.800 --> 0:13:13.120 it is that drew them, that drew them to me, 0:13:13.240 --> 0:13:15.200 because I could have just been any other kid who 0:13:15.920 --> 0:13:19.080 could have been anything. And yeah, they were willing to 0:13:19.120 --> 0:13:22.920 take me in, take me to my interleague games, take 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:26.360 me to my down on sting Ray games, and yeah, 0:13:26.360 --> 0:13:28.360 I'm here now. And if I didn't have that, I 0:13:28.480 --> 0:13:30.960 genuinely don't know, I could have gone down the pathway 0:13:30.960 --> 0:13:32.280 of my brother whatever it was. 0:13:33.360 --> 0:13:34.360 So they saved your life. 0:13:35.320 --> 0:13:40.760 Yeah, I love them dearly. I just can't speak more 0:13:40.800 --> 0:13:42.679 high of him. Sam. We're doing to be Reno's at 0:13:42.679 --> 0:13:46.080 the moment. And you know a perfect example. Yesterday we 0:13:46.160 --> 0:13:47.960 got a new fridge put in and I'm not the 0:13:48.000 --> 0:13:50.160 most handiest man in the world, and I didn't know 0:13:50.160 --> 0:13:51.760 how to unscrew one of them. There was like a 0:13:52.520 --> 0:13:54.320 thing that was attached to the fridge and I rang 0:13:54.360 --> 0:13:57.760 Sam up yesterday and he had work and he left work. 0:13:57.880 --> 0:13:59.560 He had three hours left. He left work, he said, 0:13:59.559 --> 0:14:01.319 I'm coming. He came in and fixed it all for me. 0:14:01.440 --> 0:14:02.560 Was there for about an hour and a half and 0:14:02.559 --> 0:14:04.959 then went. Ray on his birthday, which is the son 0:14:05.000 --> 0:14:07.880 who's my best mate. Ray on his birthday two weeks ago, 0:14:07.960 --> 0:14:11.360 January twelfth, he we're getting a pagola. He built the 0:14:11.360 --> 0:14:15.079 pagolar off his own back. He's a builder. Sunday birthday 0:14:15.120 --> 0:14:17.440 he came over. Woke up at eight o'clock to him 0:14:17.520 --> 0:14:21.320 building the pagolar outside on his birthday. So, yeah, I 0:14:21.360 --> 0:14:22.600 love these guys dearly. 0:14:23.960 --> 0:14:28.080 Does it build sense of resentment or anger in you 0:14:28.160 --> 0:14:30.640 when you're a young man and your dad's picked up 0:14:30.720 --> 0:14:31.440 and left. 0:14:32.080 --> 0:14:34.080 Yeah, it does. It does, because I feel like I 0:14:34.160 --> 0:14:36.200 miss out on a little bit. I miss out on 0:14:36.560 --> 0:14:39.160 well won that role model, having a role model, Like 0:14:39.800 --> 0:14:42.920 I'm Kim and I are going to be parents in March. 0:14:43.000 --> 0:14:47.000 So I think about that and I just think like 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:50.480 I'm going to do everything I can. Whatever happens between 0:14:50.560 --> 0:14:52.480 Kim and I, it does not matter. And you know, 0:14:52.560 --> 0:14:54.160 she's the love of my life. I'll be with there 0:14:54.200 --> 0:14:56.680 for the rest of my life, but if something would 0:14:56.680 --> 0:14:59.280 ever happen, I would move heaven and earth for my 0:14:59.440 --> 0:15:03.480 daughter's going to be obviously my daughter. So I think 0:15:03.520 --> 0:15:06.440 about that growing up, and I don't know. And I've 0:15:06.440 --> 0:15:09.800 had conversations with my mum and asked her whether just 0:15:09.920 --> 0:15:12.480 be honest with me. Did you stop him from seeing 0:15:12.520 --> 0:15:16.120 me or whatever it was? And here from what my 0:15:16.200 --> 0:15:18.480 mom's told me, and I know, she has no reason 0:15:18.520 --> 0:15:20.600 at all to lie because you know, she lost her 0:15:20.640 --> 0:15:23.840 own mum and her dad was sort of in and 0:15:23.880 --> 0:15:26.320 out of her life too, so she had no reason 0:15:26.320 --> 0:15:29.200 to lie. And I just feel like, from from what 0:15:29.240 --> 0:15:31.920 I've been told, there was never any effort from my 0:15:32.440 --> 0:15:35.760 biological dad's behalf. And I miss out not only on 0:15:35.880 --> 0:15:39.640 a role model and having stability, I guess as a kid, 0:15:39.680 --> 0:15:42.640 because we had none of that. You know, we weren't 0:15:42.640 --> 0:15:45.560 guaranteed food and things like that, just things that other 0:15:45.600 --> 0:15:48.320 people might take for granted. I know there's cousins out 0:15:48.360 --> 0:15:50.640 there on his side, so his nieces and nephews that 0:15:50.760 --> 0:15:54.160 are my cousins that I would love to you know, 0:15:54.320 --> 0:15:58.720 have a bit to do with. Obviously, my grandma. So 0:15:58.760 --> 0:16:01.480 my mom's mom passed away when my mum was thirty, 0:16:01.520 --> 0:16:04.200 so I don't have my grandma. My pop, I guess 0:16:04.320 --> 0:16:06.080 was in and out of my mum's life, so I 0:16:06.080 --> 0:16:09.400 didn't really have my pop. But I know on my 0:16:09.720 --> 0:16:12.800 biological dad's side, I know, you know his mom, so 0:16:12.880 --> 0:16:15.400 my nan on that side was a massive footy fan. 0:16:15.880 --> 0:16:18.840 You know, he's still well and truly I think alive. 0:16:18.960 --> 0:16:21.160 So yeah, just things like that that I missed out on. 0:16:21.240 --> 0:16:23.720 And did you ever try and reach out to him? 0:16:23.760 --> 0:16:26.120 I did when I was When I was sixteen, I 0:16:26.160 --> 0:16:30.320 went and asked my mom if I could meet my auntie, 0:16:30.320 --> 0:16:34.040 which was my biological dad's sister and my cousin. So 0:16:34.040 --> 0:16:36.760 I met them once and got on lock a House 0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:39.360 on Fire. But I remember for some reason I didn't 0:16:39.360 --> 0:16:41.200 want to meet my dad. I did not want to 0:16:41.200 --> 0:16:43.040 meet him, and I remember for some reason he was, 0:16:43.120 --> 0:16:45.520 He came, he was there. You know, whether they listened 0:16:45.520 --> 0:16:48.240 to this or not, I you know, from then on out, 0:16:48.240 --> 0:16:49.480 I just knew I didn't want to have anything to 0:16:49.480 --> 0:16:51.320 do with him. He was just the polar opposite. He 0:16:51.440 --> 0:16:56.640 was doesn't watch football, everything that I was interested in, 0:16:56.760 --> 0:16:59.600 he was the opposite pretty much. You know, I don't 0:16:59.680 --> 0:17:01.400 I don't even think I look like him. You know, 0:17:01.440 --> 0:17:03.000 I've seen him, and I'm like, I don't even look 0:17:03.080 --> 0:17:07.320 like you mate, like you know, I'm it's just, yeah, 0:17:07.400 --> 0:17:10.359 it's it's something that I don't really think about or 0:17:10.400 --> 0:17:12.800 talk about or say anything about. So it's quite weird 0:17:13.080 --> 0:17:15.280 openly talking about it because I haven't really spoken about 0:17:15.280 --> 0:17:18.480 it to anyone. So I guess it's played a part 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:22.560 in my anxiety is growing up, but it is what 0:17:22.640 --> 0:17:26.320 it is. I've managed to create a life without him. 0:17:26.800 --> 0:17:28.640 Do you remember how you felt when you saw him? 0:17:29.320 --> 0:17:33.199 Yeah, Yeah, I was just I couldn't believe that I 0:17:33.200 --> 0:17:34.960 was actually seeing him because I'd never met him. I'd 0:17:34.960 --> 0:17:36.879 spoken to him, I think once or twice when I 0:17:36.920 --> 0:17:39.760 was younger, on the phone, but I don't remember those conversations. 0:17:39.760 --> 0:17:42.280 I just remember i'd spoken to him, But yeah, meeting, 0:17:42.320 --> 0:17:45.160 I just remember like I just couldn't believe he was there. 0:17:45.200 --> 0:17:47.160 I was just thinking, wow, like this is actually the guy. 0:17:47.160 --> 0:17:49.639 I wouldn't be alive it wasn't for this guy. But 0:17:49.720 --> 0:17:52.520 that was it. There was no you know, there was 0:17:52.560 --> 0:17:56.480 no instant like wow, my life has been leading to 0:17:56.520 --> 0:17:59.480 this moment to meet the other half of who created me. 0:17:59.680 --> 0:18:02.879 Like there was no love, There was nothing It was 0:18:02.920 --> 0:18:04.760 just wow. And I think he gave me thirty dollars 0:18:04.760 --> 0:18:08.040 credit actually for my phone, and that was that was 0:18:08.080 --> 0:18:10.960 pretty much it had He had a family of his own, 0:18:11.560 --> 0:18:16.000 She had this beautiful house, beautiful house in Collingwood, somewhere 0:18:17.080 --> 0:18:21.160 peronic in Collingwood, and they had he had his own 0:18:21.200 --> 0:18:23.399 little bar at the back lock. He just had things 0:18:23.440 --> 0:18:28.360 that I would have dreamt of having growing up. And yeah, 0:18:28.440 --> 0:18:32.680 I just remember thinking wow, wow. And yeah, I've never 0:18:32.960 --> 0:18:34.520 spoke to him or seen him since. 0:18:34.800 --> 0:18:36.399 Did he try after that? 0:18:37.200 --> 0:18:38.840 See that? That's what I mean, like even if I 0:18:38.840 --> 0:18:40.399 felt like there was a bit of effort there on 0:18:40.440 --> 0:18:45.200 his behalf, which there wasn't, And and I got no 0:18:45.240 --> 0:18:47.440 doubt since he gave me credit. I cannot remember, but 0:18:47.480 --> 0:18:49.879 I got no doubt I would have given him my number. 0:18:50.520 --> 0:18:54.199 And yeah, I know now I have had no communication 0:18:54.320 --> 0:18:56.639 at all, nothing, not even with my football, which he 0:18:56.720 --> 0:18:59.080 sort of made me feel good, because you know, if 0:18:59.119 --> 0:19:00.560 I felt like he was I want to get into 0:19:00.560 --> 0:19:02.639 my life. Once I saw it I got drafted and was 0:19:02.640 --> 0:19:05.480 in the taking credit, then I would have told him 0:19:05.480 --> 0:19:08.320 we to go. Pretty much, that's a. 0:19:08.400 --> 0:19:11.320 Very impressionable age to have been through something like that. 0:19:11.400 --> 0:19:14.359 And particularly when you put on top of a budding 0:19:14.359 --> 0:19:16.199 football career and the fact that you're trying to get 0:19:16.280 --> 0:19:19.000 drafted and I imagine putting a lot of pressure on 0:19:19.080 --> 0:19:21.919 yourself in that sense to also be going through that 0:19:22.000 --> 0:19:22.960 at the same time. 0:19:22.800 --> 0:19:25.640 That's a lot. Yeah, yeah, I guess, I guess. But 0:19:25.760 --> 0:19:29.359 my get out was football, so up until about the 0:19:29.400 --> 0:19:34.040 age of sixteen, because I think that's when I shot, 0:19:34.200 --> 0:19:39.600 I shouted, when I started, hope shut, I was going 0:19:39.640 --> 0:19:43.239 to say start and showed together. It was when I 0:19:43.320 --> 0:19:46.960 started to show signs of my anxiety. 0:19:47.040 --> 0:19:48.600 I started to shut. 0:19:50.080 --> 0:19:52.240 I reckon. It was when I started to show signs 0:19:52.280 --> 0:19:55.080 of my anxiety and I used to show it in 0:19:55.119 --> 0:19:58.240 a form of OCD. So up until then, up until 0:19:58.280 --> 0:20:02.199 about sixteen, I used to go out there and play 0:20:02.320 --> 0:20:05.719 and just genuinely love playing, Like love playing and I 0:20:05.760 --> 0:20:08.360 love being because that was junior foody. I love being 0:20:08.359 --> 0:20:11.439 the best player. I was better than everyone at junior footy. 0:20:11.560 --> 0:20:14.480 I just I just loved it. And then starting to 0:20:14.480 --> 0:20:18.400 make the rep teams and go on you know, trips 0:20:18.440 --> 0:20:21.600 to Sydney and play for Fit Country and my other 0:20:21.640 --> 0:20:23.560 best mate, so I got two best mates growing up. 0:20:23.560 --> 0:20:26.320 Pever was the other one and he actually got drafted 0:20:26.400 --> 0:20:29.600 Richmond as a rookie twenty twelve. Funny story, but anyway, 0:20:30.440 --> 0:20:33.199 he was my other best mate growing up and very 0:20:33.240 --> 0:20:36.480 similar to me. He's island, one of nine kids. His 0:20:36.640 --> 0:20:39.280 older brother has twenty eight and has eight kids now, 0:20:39.359 --> 0:20:41.639 like it's just a big island a family. And we 0:20:41.720 --> 0:20:44.399 did everything together and he was my support system with 0:20:44.440 --> 0:20:47.879 my football because we played Sting Rays No Park everything together. 0:20:47.920 --> 0:20:51.280 And I think back to when I started to make 0:20:51.320 --> 0:20:54.200 those teams because I never played. I never never went 0:20:54.240 --> 0:20:57.359 to a private school, no way. No. I don't even 0:20:57.359 --> 0:20:59.719 think we paid for the public school fees just because 0:21:00.640 --> 0:21:03.080 the schools could see that I had potentially get drafted. 0:21:03.080 --> 0:21:04.440 I don't think they were going to bother charge of 0:21:04.520 --> 0:21:07.000 my mum because it was just not gonna happen. Otherwise 0:21:07.000 --> 0:21:08.080 I wouldn't have been schooled. 0:21:08.440 --> 0:21:11.080 It's a lot to have your footballing ability wrapped up 0:21:11.080 --> 0:21:13.199 in so much, so much that puts a lot of 0:21:13.240 --> 0:21:15.160 immediate pressure on your career. 0:21:15.320 --> 0:21:19.080 Well, when we started to get to them REP teams 0:21:19.080 --> 0:21:20.960 where you were chosen, you didn't have to pay to 0:21:21.000 --> 0:21:25.280 go into these programs like parents through these days. And 0:21:25.359 --> 0:21:27.760 I remember my first main thing I got chosen in 0:21:28.119 --> 0:21:32.000 was under sixteen. The country tournament. We played in these 0:21:32.119 --> 0:21:35.240 little practice match around robin things where they selected I 0:21:35.280 --> 0:21:38.080 think it was like sixty country kids and then you'd 0:21:38.080 --> 0:21:40.000 have to try it and that to make the final 0:21:40.040 --> 0:21:42.520 thirty squad. And I remember making those I never thought 0:21:42.560 --> 0:21:44.200 I was gonna be good enough at all, No way, 0:21:44.320 --> 0:21:46.160 like I never thought at all would be good enough 0:21:46.240 --> 0:21:49.680 whatever it was, even though when I'd go play local 0:21:49.680 --> 0:21:52.080 footy on the weekend, I'd absolutely dominating. I know I would, 0:21:52.160 --> 0:21:54.000 and I'd just I'd know I would, and I'd show it. 0:21:54.040 --> 0:21:55.800 But then I get in these environments and I just 0:21:55.920 --> 0:21:58.360 never thought I'd be good enough or ever believed in myself. 0:21:58.600 --> 0:22:00.879 When I finally actually made the team, Bucks was coaching, 0:22:01.400 --> 0:22:04.240 we went up to Sydney, and I remember I was 0:22:04.280 --> 0:22:07.520 with Peaver and the worry we had, so our parents 0:22:07.600 --> 0:22:11.480 dropped us off at like a petrol station near the 0:22:11.480 --> 0:22:13.280 airport and we called a bus to Sydney or the 0:22:13.280 --> 0:22:15.240 as and Sydney because Bucks wanted to organize all that 0:22:15.280 --> 0:22:18.680 with the players. And remember they said, you know, you've 0:22:18.680 --> 0:22:21.800 got to bring your own pocket money and this and that, 0:22:21.920 --> 0:22:24.600 and we're going to be going out for lunches and 0:22:24.640 --> 0:22:26.560 dinners off your own back and this and that for 0:22:26.640 --> 0:22:31.000 the twelve days ahead, and oh we I didn't give 0:22:31.040 --> 0:22:33.920 it any money, Like the only clothes I brought was 0:22:33.960 --> 0:22:36.879 the VIC Country clothes that we'd been given. Other than that, 0:22:36.960 --> 0:22:40.240 I reckon I had the same T shirt, shorts. The 0:22:40.280 --> 0:22:42.960 only shoes I was wearing was shoes we were given 0:22:43.000 --> 0:22:45.840 again from VIC Country. So I had clothes that was 0:22:45.880 --> 0:22:49.800 given to us. On this bus trip about diverse South Australia, 0:22:49.880 --> 0:22:54.760 VIC Metro Western Australia against players now, Tom Mitchell now 0:22:54.800 --> 0:22:57.119 and Steve Conniglio, all these stars who were playing for 0:22:57.160 --> 0:23:00.840 other teams, Chad Winguard, and I was thinking, what am 0:23:00.880 --> 0:23:02.840 I doing. I can't even I don't have any money 0:23:02.920 --> 0:23:05.359 like Peter and I don't have any money. We can't 0:23:05.440 --> 0:23:08.000 go on these lunches. We're wearing the VIC Country clothes 0:23:08.000 --> 0:23:10.239 around Sydney everywhere we go, and we're getting looked at 0:23:10.280 --> 0:23:12.920 by the other players, probably looking at us like why 0:23:12.960 --> 0:23:15.240 these guys just wearing every Country clothes all the time, 0:23:16.000 --> 0:23:19.000 going out there playing, not evenythinking I belong. And at 0:23:19.040 --> 0:23:21.320 the end of the tournament up I end up winning 0:23:21.320 --> 0:23:23.840 the MVP of the Carnival and we ended up winning 0:23:23.880 --> 0:23:30.080 the title, the national champion, the championship, and then I 0:23:30.119 --> 0:23:32.320 made the AOS team. There's only one of thirty kids 0:23:32.320 --> 0:23:33.960 who made it each year, and I made that and 0:23:34.359 --> 0:23:36.320 that all happened in one year, and by the time 0:23:36.400 --> 0:23:38.600 that end of the year came, I was I reckon 0:23:38.600 --> 0:23:41.720 full blown had OCD, which was a part of me 0:23:41.800 --> 0:23:44.560 dealing with my anxiety. Things would have to be in 0:23:44.640 --> 0:23:47.480 certain ways. I'd have to put my shoes on left right. 0:23:48.840 --> 0:23:51.160 I look back ten years, so it's ten years. This 0:23:51.280 --> 0:23:53.399 year was when I started getting in them programs so 0:23:53.400 --> 0:23:55.200 long I've been around for ten years. Jeez. 0:23:56.600 --> 0:23:59.879 So you say that OCD superstitions for other people. 0:24:00.200 --> 0:24:04.119 Actually, way of me dealing with my anxiety was mostly 0:24:04.440 --> 0:24:08.280 no doubt. And my psychologist at that time was Rosie 0:24:08.960 --> 0:24:10.880 for Got her last, big, long, last name. She worked 0:24:10.880 --> 0:24:12.440 with the Giants and the As and if you could 0:24:12.520 --> 0:24:14.280 ever speak to her, she could vouch for that too, 0:24:14.320 --> 0:24:16.520 as a way of me dealing with my anxiety. 0:24:17.240 --> 0:24:19.760 So how bad what kind of it was terrible? 0:24:20.240 --> 0:24:22.520 The thing is, I don't remember how bad it was. 0:24:22.560 --> 0:24:26.439 That's how bad of a headspace I was in. I mean, 0:24:26.480 --> 0:24:29.359 if you ask Taylor Adams was playing there, and Taylor 0:24:29.440 --> 0:24:31.840 is one of my closest mates here. He was playing 0:24:31.840 --> 0:24:34.639 there at the time with me Dylan. She was playing 0:24:34.680 --> 0:24:36.320 guys that I played with. I reckon if you were 0:24:36.359 --> 0:24:39.639 to ask them, they would have more because I just 0:24:39.680 --> 0:24:41.520 remember being in a frame of mind where I would 0:24:41.520 --> 0:24:44.160 have set routines when i'd wake up, from the minute 0:24:44.160 --> 0:24:45.600 I woke up to the minute I went to bed, 0:24:45.600 --> 0:24:48.639 I'd have things I'd have to do throughout the day. Otherwise, 0:24:49.400 --> 0:24:52.199 One I'd think that I wasn't good enough and I 0:24:52.200 --> 0:24:55.679 didn't belong being here too, that bad luck was going 0:24:55.760 --> 0:24:57.600 to come my way if I don't do what I'm doing. 0:24:58.119 --> 0:25:01.080 And three that I'm being ungrateful and everything that I 0:25:01.119 --> 0:25:02.520 have is going to get taken away from me. That 0:25:02.600 --> 0:25:04.520 were my three things, and that that was why I 0:25:04.560 --> 0:25:06.280 went through what I was going through with my OCD, 0:25:06.320 --> 0:25:09.280 and it was a form of me, I guess, dealing 0:25:09.320 --> 0:25:09.600 with it. 0:25:09.880 --> 0:25:12.280 Do you think it's because the stakes were raised because. 0:25:12.000 --> 0:25:14.400 You were doing because I got more and more and more, 0:25:14.400 --> 0:25:15.040 And then I think. 0:25:15.040 --> 0:25:17.760 Instead a feeling worthy, you were feeling like yeah. 0:25:17.800 --> 0:25:20.960 And I think because I was achieving things, Like I said, 0:25:20.960 --> 0:25:24.520 we won the national Carnival Under sixteens and I won 0:25:24.560 --> 0:25:27.439 the MVP with Tom Mitchell, like I'm thinking, are you 0:25:27.520 --> 0:25:29.479 kidding me? Like you guys watch the same game, like 0:25:29.520 --> 0:25:32.400 there's no way. And then I made the AS which 0:25:32.480 --> 0:25:34.399 was only thirty kids each year making we got to 0:25:34.400 --> 0:25:37.520 go to South Africa, like I'd never done anything like that. 0:25:37.600 --> 0:25:40.480 And because I was achieving things, I thought, well, this 0:25:40.640 --> 0:25:43.320 is this is why I'm achieving it. Because my anxiety 0:25:43.400 --> 0:25:45.520 is through the roof, I have OCD to deal with it. 0:25:45.600 --> 0:25:47.800 This is why I'm achieving. That's what I believed. And 0:25:47.840 --> 0:25:51.920 I look back now and I don't do anything OCD now. 0:25:53.119 --> 0:25:56.320 The only thing I do is if I say something, 0:25:56.359 --> 0:25:57.840 I'll touch would whatever it is. But I think a 0:25:57.840 --> 0:26:00.720 lot of people do that and just I just put 0:26:00.720 --> 0:26:02.560 my shoes on left to right and that's all I do. 0:26:02.640 --> 0:26:04.400 But no one would know that if I didn't say anything. 0:26:04.440 --> 0:26:05.960 I just put them on left right every time. That's 0:26:05.960 --> 0:26:07.879 just the thing I'd do. Other than that, Like I 0:26:07.920 --> 0:26:10.239 don't even remember. I used to just do so many things. 0:26:10.280 --> 0:26:11.640 I used to have a routine, to the point where 0:26:11.680 --> 0:26:14.520 my Mum used to pretty much cry to me, like Adam, 0:26:14.560 --> 0:26:17.359 what are you doing? Like you know, what are you doing, 0:26:17.440 --> 0:26:20.320 Like you're frying your brain, You're going to have a 0:26:20.440 --> 0:26:24.960 breakdown like whatever it is, And yeah, that was just me. 0:26:25.240 --> 0:26:25.679 That was me. 0:26:27.320 --> 0:26:30.600 You mentioned you're about to be a dad, and you've 0:26:30.640 --> 0:26:33.320 done a lot of self reflecting what kind of dad 0:26:33.359 --> 0:26:35.120 do you want to be and what did you learn 0:26:35.160 --> 0:26:36.639 from your childhood? 0:26:36.640 --> 0:26:39.879 In that sense, I'm going to be there. That's the 0:26:39.880 --> 0:26:42.480 most important thing. No matter what, I'm going to be there. 0:26:44.680 --> 0:26:46.240 I feel like I have a lot of love in 0:26:46.280 --> 0:26:50.359 this world to give to people, and I do that. 0:26:52.760 --> 0:26:54.919 But with this little baby girl that's going to be 0:26:54.960 --> 0:26:59.280 here soon, she already is my world. Like, you know, 0:26:59.600 --> 0:27:02.760 I I think about her and I just you know, 0:27:03.080 --> 0:27:07.080 I get emotional, like it's just crazy that myself and Kim, 0:27:07.240 --> 0:27:15.000 who we've been through so much. Yeah, it's just when 0:27:15.040 --> 0:27:18.919 I found out, it was just it was just the 0:27:18.960 --> 0:27:25.160 greatest thing in the world, Like being where I've been 0:27:25.440 --> 0:27:31.200 and the headspace that I've been in before the last 0:27:31.240 --> 0:27:37.960 twelve months one having Kim there and from the moment 0:27:38.440 --> 0:27:42.480 I laid my eyes on Kim, it was almost like 0:27:43.000 --> 0:27:44.960 it's such a cliche thing to say, but it was 0:27:45.000 --> 0:27:47.000 almost like my heart was like, yeah, that's the girl 0:27:47.000 --> 0:27:50.520 that I want to be with and to know that 0:27:50.560 --> 0:27:55.160 we've created something that we're going to love Deally And 0:27:55.359 --> 0:27:59.240 I already love Deally like she's just the whole reason 0:27:59.240 --> 0:28:03.439 why I live now she's not even here. Yeah, I 0:28:03.640 --> 0:28:07.000 just I just want to I just want to give 0:28:07.040 --> 0:28:08.679 her what I didn't have. I just want to give 0:28:08.720 --> 0:28:12.119 her everything that I didn't have. And yeah, I've spoken 0:28:12.160 --> 0:28:13.960 about what I didn't have, And it's not about the 0:28:14.000 --> 0:28:16.560 material things. It's just about the love of the guidance, 0:28:16.680 --> 0:28:23.879 the care, the want to make her a nice, happy, caring, 0:28:24.200 --> 0:28:27.280 grateful human being and get to an age where she 0:28:27.359 --> 0:28:30.159 can pass on her own knowledge to her own kids 0:28:30.280 --> 0:28:33.760 and she can, you know, be proud that Kim and 0:28:33.800 --> 0:28:34.560 I raised. 0:28:34.280 --> 0:28:36.359 Her, be proud of my dad. 0:28:36.720 --> 0:28:41.480 Yeah. Every time we'll talk about Kim and the girl 0:28:42.560 --> 0:28:43.680 emotional all the time. 0:28:45.080 --> 0:28:51.640 It's nice. Yeah, you've mentioned how much Kim's been there 0:28:51.680 --> 0:28:57.200 for you. It must have been tough for her as well, 0:28:57.360 --> 0:29:00.959 watching somebody go through deep level of anxiety. 0:29:01.480 --> 0:29:04.080 Yeah. Well, she was sort of the first person I 0:29:04.160 --> 0:29:08.800 told when I was when I felt like I needed 0:29:08.840 --> 0:29:11.720 to talk to someone or I actually needed to say 0:29:11.720 --> 0:29:14.840 something otherwise, like I didn't know what I was going 0:29:14.920 --> 0:29:19.000 to do, whether I was going to retire or you know, 0:29:19.080 --> 0:29:23.480 whatever it was, because I genuinely wanted to. I was this. 0:29:23.480 --> 0:29:27.960 This was two thousand and eighteen, so but yeah, I 0:29:29.040 --> 0:29:31.560 sort of said the story in the documentary, but it 0:29:31.600 --> 0:29:35.080 was after the round three we played against Carlton, and 0:29:35.520 --> 0:29:37.440 up until then, I'd been sort of dealing with a 0:29:37.440 --> 0:29:39.680 bit and I just hadn't shown anything. And I just 0:29:39.720 --> 0:29:41.400 remember we won, We won the game and everything. It 0:29:41.440 --> 0:29:42.960 was a good game, and I was just in the 0:29:43.360 --> 0:29:45.920 in the spa, out there, ball in my eyes, out 0:29:46.200 --> 0:29:49.480 trying to hide my tears from everyone, and I sort 0:29:49.480 --> 0:29:51.120 of knew that I need to say something. And Kim 0:29:51.240 --> 0:29:53.920 was up on the Gold Coast playing in the Commonwealth 0:29:53.960 --> 0:29:56.440 Games and I was lining up the next day to 0:29:57.520 --> 0:30:00.240 watch her, and I told her that night, and yeah, 0:30:00.240 --> 0:30:01.760 I spent the weekend with her, and she told me, 0:30:01.760 --> 0:30:03.200 I need to talk to someone that's sort sort of 0:30:03.240 --> 0:30:06.840 where we've got the ball rolling, but to see for 0:30:06.880 --> 0:30:12.120 her to be there at my most vulnerable times. You know, 0:30:12.360 --> 0:30:14.400 I think back now, and she was going with her 0:30:14.440 --> 0:30:17.800 own stuff. She was dealing with her own stuff. She 0:30:17.920 --> 0:30:20.640 plays an elite sport at the highest level, has been 0:30:20.680 --> 0:30:24.720 since she was eighteen. You know, she's been two Commonwealth Games, 0:30:25.760 --> 0:30:28.600 she's done and also wanted to Premiership everything. And for 0:30:28.640 --> 0:30:32.560 her to be there and sacrifice I guess her own 0:30:32.600 --> 0:30:36.120 life in a way and choose to stay here and 0:30:36.200 --> 0:30:39.000 be here in Melbourne to support me. And she's a 0:30:39.000 --> 0:30:41.240 New South Wales girl. Her family's in New South Wales. 0:30:41.800 --> 0:30:45.200 She lives and breathes Queensland because she loves Queensland. To 0:30:45.240 --> 0:30:47.600 be here in a place where she's out of her 0:30:47.640 --> 0:30:51.240 comfort zone purely for me and to help me and 0:30:51.280 --> 0:30:54.720 support me, is you know, that's just love. That's just 0:30:54.760 --> 0:30:57.600 love right there. It's something that, yeah, as much as 0:30:58.600 --> 0:31:00.480 you can go through life when you're with someone and 0:31:02.040 --> 0:31:03.959 you know, just go through the motions a bit and 0:31:04.960 --> 0:31:08.280 take them for granted in a way, I never would. 0:31:08.360 --> 0:31:11.520 I never will. I never would. She's the greatest human 0:31:11.520 --> 0:31:14.480 being in the world to me, she's she's Yeah, I 0:31:14.480 --> 0:31:16.960 wouldn't be that. I can genuinely say I wouldn't be 0:31:16.960 --> 0:31:19.600 playing footy now. I would have retired already well and 0:31:19.640 --> 0:31:22.560 truly if it wasn't well and truly well and truly, 0:31:22.600 --> 0:31:25.080 And I know if you talk to anyone here at 0:31:25.080 --> 0:31:28.600 the club and they were to hear that. You know, 0:31:28.640 --> 0:31:30.840 they be oh, no, this and that, this and that well, 0:31:30.880 --> 0:31:32.520 and truly I would have retired well. 0:31:32.520 --> 0:31:35.840 And truly, why was it so bad at that time? 0:31:36.680 --> 0:31:38.720 I just I just didn't want to play, like I didn't. 0:31:39.240 --> 0:31:43.960 It started with anxiety around performance. I still have that now, 0:31:44.040 --> 0:31:46.960 Like I have anxiety around performance. Everyone hasn't. You're lying 0:31:46.960 --> 0:31:48.880 if you don't say you don't have anxiety around performance. 0:31:48.880 --> 0:31:51.880 And I'm just saying on different spectrums of anxiety, whether 0:31:51.920 --> 0:31:54.680 it's the smallest of anxiety. Everyone gets anxiety about performance 0:31:54.680 --> 0:31:56.240 because you want to play well. You want to play well, 0:31:56.240 --> 0:31:58.080 and you want the team to win. But when it 0:31:58.160 --> 0:32:01.960 started for me to translate to off the field, and 0:32:02.040 --> 0:32:04.760 the anxiety came with me and was with me off 0:32:04.760 --> 0:32:07.800 the field and was in my everyday life. In my head, 0:32:07.840 --> 0:32:10.520 I was thinking, you don't deserve this, You don't deserve 0:32:10.560 --> 0:32:13.920 that everything you have right now, look where you've come from, Like, 0:32:13.960 --> 0:32:16.320 you don't deserve to have any of this. And I 0:32:16.320 --> 0:32:18.360 can't tell you why my brain was doing that, but 0:32:18.400 --> 0:32:21.520 this was doing that and for that to translate to 0:32:21.560 --> 0:32:24.600 off the field, because at least at the time or 0:32:24.640 --> 0:32:27.640 even now, when I get my worries about football, whatever 0:32:27.640 --> 0:32:30.560 it is, I can step in my own head, I 0:32:30.560 --> 0:32:34.120 can step outside of the football side of me and 0:32:34.960 --> 0:32:36.920 accept life and be, oh, how good is this? Like 0:32:37.080 --> 0:32:40.600 I've got this beautiful house with my partner and my 0:32:40.840 --> 0:32:44.600 baby to be everything. Where at that point in my 0:32:44.640 --> 0:32:47.440 time in my life, at that time, it was affecting 0:32:47.480 --> 0:32:49.680 my life. It was affecting everything everything. 0:32:49.760 --> 0:32:52.240 How did it manifest itself? What would happen? 0:32:52.280 --> 0:32:55.440 What it was? I think it started with hearing things 0:32:55.480 --> 0:32:58.400 from what did I say to you when just before 0:32:58.400 --> 0:32:59.560 we about the start, I said, you're one of the 0:32:59.600 --> 0:33:05.160 good ones hearing things about you know, I guess in 0:33:05.280 --> 0:33:06.880 terms of the football side of things, I felt like 0:33:06.920 --> 0:33:10.000 you're getting judged because what you see me two hours 0:33:10.000 --> 0:33:13.680 a week playing football, and I'm a competitive person. I 0:33:13.720 --> 0:33:16.920 hate losing. I'm not going to be liked by everyone. 0:33:16.960 --> 0:33:20.280 But don't judge. Don't judge me and attack me personally. 0:33:20.360 --> 0:33:22.880 And that's how I feel a lot of people went 0:33:22.920 --> 0:33:27.560 about things. I guess early on, especially two sixteen, two seven, 0:33:27.560 --> 0:33:31.080 and when I first got here, we weren't overly successful, 0:33:31.200 --> 0:33:33.840 and we had a great group of guys who probably 0:33:33.920 --> 0:33:35.560 you know, should have played better than what we did, 0:33:35.960 --> 0:33:38.160 but we didn't. I felt like the way we were 0:33:38.160 --> 0:33:41.040 attacked and me too, and people telling me, you know, 0:33:41.080 --> 0:33:43.280 why did you go here and not go to Richmond 0:33:43.320 --> 0:33:46.520 and whatever it was, and that affected me. It affected 0:33:46.560 --> 0:33:49.440 me because from what I'd been through and gone through 0:33:49.440 --> 0:33:51.800 and my child growing up, and the love and care 0:33:51.840 --> 0:33:54.160 that I have for so many people and everything, for 0:33:54.160 --> 0:33:56.600 people to attack me and call me, you know, a 0:33:56.640 --> 0:33:59.480 dickhead and they don't know me like that, you know 0:33:59.520 --> 0:34:01.560 what I mean? They just don't know me. No one 0:34:02.040 --> 0:34:04.680 outside of who knows me, who doesn't know me. No 0:34:04.720 --> 0:34:07.960 one knows what I'm like, knows how I am, knows 0:34:08.000 --> 0:34:10.279 how I will do anything for anyone I go, I 0:34:10.360 --> 0:34:12.520 step out of my way, do anything for anyone. The 0:34:12.560 --> 0:34:16.720 amount of times I'd go on to my Instagram messages 0:34:16.800 --> 0:34:20.239 or whatever it was, and ninety five percent of the 0:34:20.239 --> 0:34:23.920 time it'd be people or kids asking for advice, this 0:34:24.000 --> 0:34:27.280 and that. And I used to spend an hour, two hours, 0:34:27.960 --> 0:34:31.440 probably two every two weeks just going through that and 0:34:31.480 --> 0:34:36.239 replying to everyone who genuinely wants feedback, advice, everything, And 0:34:36.280 --> 0:34:40.880 then going through those comments. You'd see occasionally see one 0:34:40.920 --> 0:34:43.759 pop up and it's just someone absolutely hurling abuse at 0:34:43.760 --> 0:34:47.400 mee for choosing to play for Collin and Richmond, or 0:34:48.320 --> 0:34:52.480 you know, saying just yeah, just calling me shit like 0:34:52.520 --> 0:34:55.640 it's just petty stuff, petty stuff that I probably shouldn't 0:34:55.640 --> 0:34:57.560 even worry about. I know that it's easy for people 0:34:57.560 --> 0:35:00.040 to say, don't worry about it, but it affects me. 0:35:00.160 --> 0:35:03.440 It affects me. It affected me, So it affected me, 0:35:03.760 --> 0:35:06.200 affects me. Now I'll just ignore that and I don't 0:35:06.239 --> 0:35:09.160 worry about that stuff. But that's where it all manifested 0:35:09.200 --> 0:35:11.359 them early two sixteen, two seventeen, because if you think 0:35:11.400 --> 0:35:14.040 about it to twelve thirteen, fourteen fifteen at the Giants, 0:35:14.680 --> 0:35:17.359 there's no attention to the Giants, like, with all due 0:35:17.400 --> 0:35:20.960 respect to them there, that's why they're so so freaking 0:35:20.960 --> 0:35:23.080 good and they're a great footy club. And you know, 0:35:23.480 --> 0:35:26.080 I will always love that football club because of how 0:35:26.120 --> 0:35:29.120 they shape me into the the player and person that 0:35:29.200 --> 0:35:32.200 I am, and the people there are incredible. But you know, 0:35:32.239 --> 0:35:35.000 there's no attention, there's no spotlight, and you come into 0:35:35.040 --> 0:35:38.880 this spotlight and you know, you feel like you get attacked, 0:35:39.040 --> 0:35:41.279 like as a person and say, I go to a 0:35:41.280 --> 0:35:44.360 shopping center at Southland whatever it is, and I'm a 0:35:44.400 --> 0:35:46.840 proud person and I'm loving and caring it. I'll go 0:35:46.920 --> 0:35:48.920 if someone's a photo, whatever it is, I go out 0:35:48.920 --> 0:35:52.680 of my way for them. But if someone you know, 0:35:52.760 --> 0:35:55.319 and this happens quite a bit, if someone you know 0:35:55.400 --> 0:35:57.880 were to say something real smart, assy or whatever it was, 0:35:58.040 --> 0:36:00.960 it's hard for me to pull myself back, tough for me, 0:36:01.040 --> 0:36:03.600 anyone to tough for me to not what like, go 0:36:03.760 --> 0:36:06.880 up and challenge the bloke and not do anything about it. 0:36:06.880 --> 0:36:08.560 And when I'm with my friends and I'm talking, my 0:36:08.760 --> 0:36:12.200 best friends grew up like me. So if you're growing 0:36:12.280 --> 0:36:14.680 up like me and someone challenges out, things happen like 0:36:14.719 --> 0:36:17.160 you know what I mean, And I'm with these guys 0:36:17.160 --> 0:36:19.560 and I get challenged and not challenged. I get, you know, 0:36:19.640 --> 0:36:21.480 people just being smart us because there are in groups 0:36:21.520 --> 0:36:23.040 of friends and whatever it is, and it's just like, 0:36:23.160 --> 0:36:25.799 come on, man, you see me two hours a week, 0:36:26.440 --> 0:36:28.360 kick a football around, come and have a chat with 0:36:28.400 --> 0:36:30.960 me about football or whatever you want to talk to 0:36:30.960 --> 0:36:33.080 me about. And I guarantee you'd be if you if 0:36:33.080 --> 0:36:34.920 you had an opinion of me, and if it's a 0:36:34.960 --> 0:36:38.600 negative opinion, to be completely shocked. Because I love everyone. 0:36:38.640 --> 0:36:40.839 I'm a lover. I'm a lover. I'm well and truly 0:36:40.840 --> 0:36:43.120 a lover. I have the time for everyone. 0:36:42.840 --> 0:36:46.480 You're listening to. Ordinarily, speaking with special guests Adam Trelaw 0:36:46.640 --> 0:36:52.040 of the Collingwood Football Club, I find the face that 0:36:52.120 --> 0:36:55.719 football is in general, but you specifically put out. It's 0:36:55.800 --> 0:37:00.320 really interesting to me because, for example, you talk about 0:37:00.360 --> 0:37:05.240 anxiety and performance anxiety with football. I remember very vividly 0:37:05.320 --> 0:37:08.759 Grand Final Day. The game was going I was doing 0:37:08.880 --> 0:37:12.080 radio on the boundary and you ran past on the 0:37:12.080 --> 0:37:15.680 boundary spot it spotted me sitting down, gave a wink 0:37:15.719 --> 0:37:18.560 and said good anaz well the Grand Finals going on. 0:37:19.320 --> 0:37:23.080 And I thought Jesus books relaxed today. Either that or 0:37:23.120 --> 0:37:26.279 it was totally covering up just the sheer levels of 0:37:26.320 --> 0:37:28.879 anxiety because that was such. You don't get football as 0:37:28.920 --> 0:37:32.280 doing that in an ordinary game, let alone Grand Final Day. 0:37:32.840 --> 0:37:34.080 What were you thinking in that? 0:37:34.520 --> 0:37:38.080 No, I do remember that. It's just yeah, there's a 0:37:38.120 --> 0:37:40.200 lot of I feel like there's a lot of mutual 0:37:40.239 --> 0:37:43.439 respect between you and I and I can just tell 0:37:43.440 --> 0:37:45.680 a lock. I said, you're one on the good You're 0:37:45.719 --> 0:37:48.000 a good person and you want to get the best 0:37:48.000 --> 0:37:49.400 out of people. And I can see that. And when 0:37:49.440 --> 0:37:52.719 I see that in people, no matter who it is. 0:37:53.280 --> 0:37:56.080 We're talking about the trainers here who I'd get water 0:37:56.160 --> 0:37:59.560 off them twenty times a game, and I make sure 0:37:59.640 --> 0:38:01.239 every time i'm gonna get water, I say thank you, 0:38:01.320 --> 0:38:03.239 no matter what it is. If I'm gassed, whatever it is, 0:38:03.239 --> 0:38:05.359 I say thank you, and I guarantee they could vouch 0:38:05.360 --> 0:38:08.800 for that. It's a way of me showing a sign 0:38:08.840 --> 0:38:14.040 of appreciation because that person, in particular, so you in 0:38:14.040 --> 0:38:17.040 this instance, has had an effect on me in a 0:38:17.080 --> 0:38:20.360 positive way, and I appreciate that. I appreciate all that. 0:38:20.400 --> 0:38:21.960 I'll give you my time. I don't care if I'm 0:38:21.960 --> 0:38:23.440 about to, you know, play on the grand fine, I 0:38:23.440 --> 0:38:25.200 don't care if I see I'm going to say good eight, 0:38:25.280 --> 0:38:26.839 whatever it is. I'm not one of those guys where 0:38:27.600 --> 0:38:30.840 oh it's football. I'm just going to lock in. And 0:38:30.880 --> 0:38:34.479 that's what that's what I mean by you know, these 0:38:34.960 --> 0:38:38.759 harmful words and social media and people don't see like 0:38:40.360 --> 0:38:43.040 I'm a lover, not a fighter, like I have time 0:38:43.120 --> 0:38:46.360 for everyone. And the example you said, if I know 0:38:46.440 --> 0:38:48.160 you and I'll see how I'll say good ad you. 0:38:48.239 --> 0:38:52.000 I don't care if you you know, whatever it is, 0:38:52.040 --> 0:38:53.759 I don't care if you don't go for Collingwood. If 0:38:53.760 --> 0:38:56.719 you're whatever it is, I'll still talk to you. It 0:38:56.760 --> 0:38:57.640 does not phase me. 0:38:59.000 --> 0:39:00.520 That's really nice. If you think you're just saying that, 0:39:00.520 --> 0:39:02.880 I didn't expect that to be the rest spot, that 0:39:03.320 --> 0:39:04.919 would be some sort of nervous tick. 0:39:05.040 --> 0:39:09.240 Or if it was you know, Jared Witeley or Mark Robinson, 0:39:09.239 --> 0:39:11.160 if they because I've done a work with him, if 0:39:11.160 --> 0:39:12.680 they were sitting there on the boundary line, I'd say 0:39:12.680 --> 0:39:14.279 the same I'd do the same thing. I'd say, good, 0:39:14.480 --> 0:39:14.840 here you go. 0:39:16.000 --> 0:39:18.680 How did it affect your footy? At the depths of it. 0:39:18.719 --> 0:39:20.400 At the depths of it, I. 0:39:20.400 --> 0:39:21.839 Didn't want to play. The thing is I didn't want 0:39:21.840 --> 0:39:24.040 to play, so because that was round three, I hurt 0:39:24.040 --> 0:39:26.920 myself around thirteen, So that was teen games with it. 0:39:26.960 --> 0:39:29.720 By actually nine games. I reckon four of those games. 0:39:29.840 --> 0:39:31.919 I rank him up before the game, told I don't 0:39:31.920 --> 0:39:35.239 want to play. I can't play. I just feel ungrateful, 0:39:35.360 --> 0:39:37.200 not I'm grateful. I just feel not worthy, like I 0:39:37.200 --> 0:39:42.480 shouldn't be out there. I'm cheating myself. I'm I'm a 0:39:42.560 --> 0:39:45.040 fraud in front of the boys. Boys are asking how 0:39:45.080 --> 0:39:47.240 I'm going, and I meant to show them this persona 0:39:47.280 --> 0:39:49.319 that I'm fine and what not with deep down, I'm 0:39:49.360 --> 0:39:53.439 really dying on the inside when I say things happen 0:39:53.520 --> 0:39:55.680 for a reason, because that's something I genuinely believe in. 0:39:55.719 --> 0:39:58.960 And God makes things happen for a reason. And when 0:39:59.000 --> 0:40:02.160 I did my hamstream ripped my hamster off the bone 0:40:02.560 --> 0:40:06.960 that day against Carlton around thirteen or fourteen, I now, 0:40:07.000 --> 0:40:08.640 I didn't want to. I didn't want to play that game. 0:40:08.680 --> 0:40:11.920 I ranked him up beforehand that morning, and she was 0:40:11.960 --> 0:40:15.080 playing a game of netball and then came across and 0:40:15.120 --> 0:40:18.640 watched me play, and her old man was a came 0:40:18.680 --> 0:40:21.480 to watch too, and he first game had ever been. 0:40:22.000 --> 0:40:24.520 I remember ringing up and saying, I didn't want to, can't, 0:40:24.520 --> 0:40:26.359 I can't do it. She came home, So. 0:40:26.320 --> 0:40:27.319 Were you sitting in your car? 0:40:27.400 --> 0:40:29.360 And I was at home before that leave and I 0:40:29.400 --> 0:40:32.000 came home. She came home and she's seen me after 0:40:32.000 --> 0:40:34.040 I already told her, and I was. I broke down 0:40:34.080 --> 0:40:37.160 on the bed and I said, can you ring It 0:40:37.200 --> 0:40:41.560 would either been Maxie or row Rolling Bounds, who's he's 0:40:41.600 --> 0:40:45.640 been here for one hundred years pretty much, and she 0:40:45.800 --> 0:40:48.080 pretty much, you know, we pretty much talked it out 0:40:48.160 --> 0:40:54.280 and ended up convincing me not to not to not play, 0:40:55.120 --> 0:40:57.880 you know, do what. But it was in a good way. 0:40:57.920 --> 0:41:00.279 It wasn't in a way where she sort of forced 0:41:00.320 --> 0:41:03.120 me to play by no means at all. This is 0:41:03.120 --> 0:41:05.000 what I needed reassurance a lot of the time. I 0:41:05.040 --> 0:41:07.560 just needed reassurance that everything's going to be okay. And 0:41:07.600 --> 0:41:09.320 that's what she did. And I think she was probably 0:41:09.320 --> 0:41:11.359 one of only two or three people at the time, 0:41:12.000 --> 0:41:15.680 with Jackie and Maxie and Bucks to one of four 0:41:15.719 --> 0:41:18.920 people who could probably get that out of me. If 0:41:18.960 --> 0:41:23.080 that was any other person, I probably would have said, Noah, stuffy, 0:41:23.080 --> 0:41:25.640 I'm staining here, I'm not even going ended up going 0:41:26.640 --> 0:41:28.960 and yeah, I just I ripped my hamster off the 0:41:29.000 --> 0:41:30.480 bone in the last quarter. But that whole game I 0:41:30.600 --> 0:41:36.160 was I was miserable. I was absolutely miserable, and Maxie 0:41:36.160 --> 0:41:38.520 could see it on the bench. You know, we won 0:41:38.600 --> 0:41:40.160 the game, but I didn't want to be there and 0:41:40.920 --> 0:41:42.799 just mentally was checked out. I didn't want to be there. 0:41:43.960 --> 0:41:46.480 And when I ripped my hamster off the bone, I 0:41:46.480 --> 0:41:49.719 didn't know it at the time, or both hammies. I 0:41:49.760 --> 0:41:53.160 didn't know it at all, and then went down into 0:41:53.200 --> 0:41:55.799 the rooms. I don't even we won. I don't even 0:41:55.800 --> 0:41:57.879 remember singing the song. I think I bypassed the song 0:41:57.920 --> 0:42:01.000 with Maxie. MAXI took me into a room again. I 0:42:01.000 --> 0:42:03.319 didn't know the extent of my hamstrings. I genuinely thought 0:42:03.360 --> 0:42:05.880 i'd had two cramps, and by the stage, the cramps 0:42:05.880 --> 0:42:08.839 had settled, so I wasn't really in too much pain. 0:42:08.880 --> 0:42:11.200 It was very sore, but I was in pain. And 0:42:11.280 --> 0:42:13.759 MAXI brought Kim and was her in and I was 0:42:13.800 --> 0:42:15.880 ball of eyes out, not because of my hamstrings. I 0:42:15.920 --> 0:42:18.000 was ball of eyes out because I just couldn't believe 0:42:18.040 --> 0:42:20.759 I put myself through two hours of not wanting to 0:42:20.800 --> 0:42:24.640 do something like I genuinely, genuinely that was the worst 0:42:24.640 --> 0:42:25.879 where I didn't want to be there. I didn't want 0:42:25.880 --> 0:42:28.160 to be there. I just wanted to leave. I reckon 0:42:28.320 --> 0:42:29.719 halfway through the second court. I wanted to leave. I 0:42:29.760 --> 0:42:31.759 wanted to walk off the ground and leave. Yeah, I 0:42:31.760 --> 0:42:35.640 remember having that. I avoided the meeting, so the boys 0:42:35.680 --> 0:42:36.840 went to the meeting. I waited them to go to 0:42:36.840 --> 0:42:40.120 the meeting, and I went home, and yeah, I just 0:42:40.160 --> 0:42:43.239 remember being a mess talking to Kim, and yeah, I 0:42:43.320 --> 0:42:47.200 just remember saying, how good is this? How goods now 0:42:47.239 --> 0:42:49.680 that I have a reason not to play, And three 0:42:49.760 --> 0:42:51.760 days later I went in for surgery to repair my hairshring, 0:42:52.320 --> 0:42:55.279 and I was happy. I was happy I had didn't 0:42:55.320 --> 0:42:58.239 have to put myself through something I didn't want to 0:42:58.239 --> 0:43:01.760 go through, and that was playing relieved, and then yeah, 0:43:01.800 --> 0:43:07.000 and then that eight to nine week period was probably 0:43:07.040 --> 0:43:12.000 the most clear clear mind I've ever been before that 0:43:12.560 --> 0:43:15.319 like in a long time with my football, Like probably ever, 0:43:15.400 --> 0:43:17.759 I've never been that clear of mine. After I had 0:43:17.760 --> 0:43:20.759 my surgery, I had two weeks off. We had a 0:43:20.760 --> 0:43:25.040 couple of injuries, and we didn't know how the season 0:43:25.080 --> 0:43:27.240 was a pan out because we had some big injuries 0:43:27.320 --> 0:43:29.439 and we didn't know where we're going to finish whatever 0:43:29.480 --> 0:43:32.799 it was. And got to a point where we got 0:43:32.840 --> 0:43:34.279 on a roll and won like three or four games 0:43:34.320 --> 0:43:36.839 in a row, and it was voluntarily clear we're going 0:43:36.840 --> 0:43:39.080 to play finals. Just didn't know where we're going to finish. 0:43:39.360 --> 0:43:41.160 I got to a point where after having two three 0:43:41.160 --> 0:43:44.600 weeks off, I'd seen Jackie for her in that two 0:43:44.680 --> 0:43:47.760 week period where I'd hurt my hamstring, her, Kim and Maxie, 0:43:47.840 --> 0:43:50.480 the work that we did together, it saved me. It 0:43:50.600 --> 0:43:52.680 saved my career, It saved my career. It generally saved 0:43:52.719 --> 0:43:55.080 my career because I wanted to retire, I didn't want 0:43:55.120 --> 0:43:57.680 to play anymore, and I wanted to get into a 0:43:57.680 --> 0:44:01.920 field where I could where I could get clear of mind. 0:44:02.120 --> 0:44:04.800 I knew without footy being there, my anxiety would be 0:44:05.400 --> 0:44:07.919 would be gone almost because I wouldn't have to worry 0:44:07.920 --> 0:44:10.200 about that, because that's how I get judged. Eighty to 0:44:10.280 --> 0:44:12.279 nine percent of my life. I'm judged because of how 0:44:12.360 --> 0:44:14.600 kick a footy or whatever it is which was affecting me. 0:44:15.239 --> 0:44:16.920 But at that time, I thought, if I get rid 0:44:16.960 --> 0:44:20.080 of footy, straighten my head out, go into a field 0:44:20.080 --> 0:44:23.239 where I can help people who go through the same 0:44:23.280 --> 0:44:25.839 thing that I do. And then yeah, two to three 0:44:25.880 --> 0:44:30.319 weeks of sessions of where we found ways to work 0:44:30.360 --> 0:44:34.919 around things and realizing I'm only twenty five or twenty four, 0:44:34.960 --> 0:44:37.080 whatever it was, and that my best year is there 0:44:37.080 --> 0:44:39.719 ahead of me. Yeah, I ended up getting through that, 0:44:39.760 --> 0:44:41.319 and then I set myself a goal to get back 0:44:41.440 --> 0:44:43.560 eight weeks after ripping both my hamstrings. I got back 0:44:43.600 --> 0:44:44.480 and played finals. 0:44:44.680 --> 0:44:47.000 I remember that too, and you got back quay quicker 0:44:47.080 --> 0:44:49.200 than anyone thought. But I was like, if anyone's going 0:44:49.239 --> 0:44:51.080 to do it, still I was. 0:44:51.080 --> 0:44:56.359 Still affected with my hamstrings around twelve thirteen last year, 0:44:56.440 --> 0:44:58.480 so I'm talking a whole year. So last year two 0:44:58.600 --> 0:45:03.080 nineteen was when I actually felt back to myself and 0:45:03.239 --> 0:45:05.680 I came back and played. It was eight to nine 0:45:05.680 --> 0:45:10.920 weeks after I'd done it. So should you have Yeah, yeah, 0:45:11.160 --> 0:45:14.200 no doubt I didn't in terms of me being at 0:45:14.280 --> 0:45:17.560 one hundred percent my absolute best, no way. But that 0:45:17.560 --> 0:45:19.520 would have been the case for the start of the 0:45:19.520 --> 0:45:23.359 twenty nineteen season, So it didn't really matter. And the 0:45:23.360 --> 0:45:24.920 best thing about it when I look back on that 0:45:24.960 --> 0:45:27.360 seat on that final series is that I still contributed. 0:45:27.400 --> 0:45:30.359 I contributed in a good way. I contributed the two 0:45:30.400 --> 0:45:32.520 wins we had. The first final was sort of my 0:45:32.600 --> 0:45:34.560 first game back. It was like playing my first game again. 0:45:34.640 --> 0:45:37.480 It was just like wha, this is quick. And then 0:45:37.840 --> 0:45:41.040 the next two finals I contributed well. I contributed us 0:45:41.040 --> 0:45:43.680 to winning and then the Grand Final. As much as 0:45:43.719 --> 0:45:46.360 I hate thinking about it, we I felt like, I, 0:45:46.600 --> 0:45:48.719 you know, contributed in a positive way. 0:45:49.200 --> 0:45:52.000 How did you cope with the Grand final loss after 0:45:52.040 --> 0:45:55.360 such a big year, because it's hard anyway. 0:45:55.600 --> 0:45:55.799 Yeah. 0:45:56.360 --> 0:45:58.400 Do you think it was harder for you given everything 0:45:58.560 --> 0:45:59.600 you've been through? 0:46:00.080 --> 0:46:03.439 Yeah? Yeah, I think, yeah, but I think because I'd 0:46:03.440 --> 0:46:11.319 had such a crazy, oh really crazy eight months. I'd 0:46:11.360 --> 0:46:14.120 been at the bottom of the barrel, absolutely my most 0:46:14.160 --> 0:46:18.640 vulnerable to now be playing in a Grand final after 0:46:19.520 --> 0:46:23.240 injuring myself and everyone saying, oh, you know, I won't 0:46:23.239 --> 0:46:26.920 get back to have achieved that. And this is where 0:46:26.960 --> 0:46:32.040 my thinking started to tinker and I started to look 0:46:32.080 --> 0:46:34.279 at it in a different way and not be in 0:46:34.320 --> 0:46:37.680 my anxiety self. I guess I started to think, well, 0:46:38.920 --> 0:46:40.680 you put that work in so you got back to 0:46:40.719 --> 0:46:42.839 that final. You were the one who got up and 0:46:43.640 --> 0:46:47.399 rehabbed three times a day, every single day with the physios. 0:46:47.640 --> 0:46:50.960 You were diligent, You did everything, you iced every hour. 0:46:51.239 --> 0:46:52.680 Were you're getting up in the middle of the night 0:46:52.719 --> 0:46:54.400 to all right everything still. 0:46:54.280 --> 0:46:57.840 And everything from going from playing and not wanting to 0:46:57.840 --> 0:47:03.880 play and you know, being miserable and whatever. Having that 0:47:03.920 --> 0:47:07.359 two week period of sessions with Jackie and Maxie and 0:47:07.360 --> 0:47:10.160 Bucks and Kim and icing that were my two things 0:47:10.160 --> 0:47:14.000 that I was doing and enjoying just not having to 0:47:14.080 --> 0:47:16.800 get up and train and meetings and whatever. I'd always 0:47:16.840 --> 0:47:19.960 talk about my inner circle and the people at this 0:47:20.000 --> 0:47:23.200 footy club because this is where I am eighty percent 0:47:23.239 --> 0:47:26.440 of my life is going to those people when I 0:47:26.480 --> 0:47:29.320 feel insecure or whatever it is, when I'm having my battles, 0:47:29.320 --> 0:47:32.560 and I never because we hadn't openly spoken about my battles. 0:47:33.200 --> 0:47:34.839 This is a way of me dealing with it, and 0:47:34.880 --> 0:47:37.080 this is what we figured out to be over that 0:47:37.120 --> 0:47:40.719 two week period. So randomly, I'd just be sitting in 0:47:40.760 --> 0:47:44.200 Maxie's office and Maxie would know why I was sitting there. 0:47:44.640 --> 0:47:46.880 He doesn't have to know why, because usually in someone's 0:47:46.920 --> 0:47:49.239 office you know what's going on. He knows why I'm 0:47:49.280 --> 0:47:52.240 there because something going on in my head at the time. 0:47:52.600 --> 0:47:56.080 I need reassurance. You don't have to say anything. I 0:47:56.120 --> 0:47:58.400 just know you're here, Maxi, and I get that warmth 0:47:58.440 --> 0:48:00.359 feeling that I know you just care about me, and 0:48:00.400 --> 0:48:02.080 that's what we care about. That is what I was 0:48:02.120 --> 0:48:04.680 doing in that eight to ten week block when I 0:48:04.719 --> 0:48:07.359 got back and then going into footy it was another thing. 0:48:07.400 --> 0:48:09.719 When I got back to playing, it was the same thing, 0:48:09.719 --> 0:48:12.960 except my focus on was was on playing and having 0:48:13.000 --> 0:48:13.920 that inner circle. 0:48:14.880 --> 0:48:18.240 So you lose the Grand Final, How did you feel 0:48:18.280 --> 0:48:19.800 that day and how did that impact? 0:48:20.080 --> 0:48:23.960 I was? Yeah, I was, I was I was shattered, 0:48:24.120 --> 0:48:26.600 absolutely shattered. There was only one reason I got back 0:48:26.600 --> 0:48:28.200 to play, and that was to win the Grand Final. 0:48:28.719 --> 0:48:30.799 And considering the fairy tale that we sort of had 0:48:31.040 --> 0:48:34.200 up until then, no one picked us, especially the week before. 0:48:34.200 --> 0:48:37.080 I don't even think we like, you know, Richmond Richmond, 0:48:37.160 --> 0:48:40.480 no no credits, no discredit to us, Richmond just playing 0:48:40.520 --> 0:48:43.560 that good. Yeah, it was so hard to beat at 0:48:43.600 --> 0:48:45.280 the mcg everything. 0:48:44.960 --> 0:48:48.080 And to Mason Cox, yeah, and then yeah. 0:48:47.920 --> 0:48:49.920 And then so then to play the way we did, 0:48:49.960 --> 0:48:52.239 which I knew we had in us. I just felt like, 0:48:52.320 --> 0:48:55.359 this is ours to lose. And then we five goals 0:48:55.400 --> 0:48:59.239 to nothing a quarter time or pretty much, and I 0:48:59.239 --> 0:49:02.000 guess to lose the way that we lost, you'd probably 0:49:02.320 --> 0:49:05.000 I was shattered, Believe me. I was ball in my 0:49:05.000 --> 0:49:07.560 eyes out I seeing Kim, I broke down all my friends. 0:49:08.520 --> 0:49:11.799 But I wasn't as shadowed as what you'd actually think 0:49:12.239 --> 0:49:15.600 because of everything I'd gone through. And I remember seeing 0:49:15.640 --> 0:49:18.799 Travi Vaco in the rooms when I was with Kim, 0:49:18.840 --> 0:49:22.839 and I was with how his wife too, Kalia, and 0:49:22.880 --> 0:49:25.439 we were just hugging and embracing and crying. I remember 0:49:25.480 --> 0:49:29.200 looking over to travn trav I had probably the toughest 0:49:29.200 --> 0:49:32.880 four weeks of his life with his sister and her 0:49:33.000 --> 0:49:35.759 name was on his arm, and I just remember he 0:49:35.840 --> 0:49:42.840 hadn't showed emotion for the whole time of the incident 0:49:42.840 --> 0:49:45.239 happening with his sister. To that point, I hadn't seen 0:49:45.320 --> 0:49:47.799 him cry once. You know, my heart was going out 0:49:47.840 --> 0:49:50.880 to him all the time because I couldn't imagine what 0:49:50.920 --> 0:49:55.680 that would be like for me. And I remember turning 0:49:55.680 --> 0:50:00.560 to him and he was inconsolable, like he was miserable. 0:50:00.719 --> 0:50:05.759 He was he was Oh, it was just yeah, so heartbreaking. 0:50:05.840 --> 0:50:09.480 And I remember thinking, it's the emotions of everything. It's 0:50:09.520 --> 0:50:13.000 not the Grand Final. I thought to myself at that time, Wow, 0:50:14.080 --> 0:50:16.960 I'm upset because I lost the Grand Final where Travis 0:50:17.040 --> 0:50:20.719 is over there and he lost someone and that really 0:50:20.800 --> 0:50:24.600 helped me. It really helped me, and it just helped me. 0:50:24.680 --> 0:50:28.319 And I moved on pretty quickly. I just you know, 0:50:28.360 --> 0:50:32.640 we had our meeting and yeah, and then you got 0:50:32.680 --> 0:50:34.360 to move on. That's the thing. You got to move on. 0:50:34.400 --> 0:50:37.760 And that's what happened. That's what happened. And I can't 0:50:37.800 --> 0:50:40.000 watch that final, like I can't wash that Grand Final, 0:50:40.280 --> 0:50:41.840 and I hate it and I hate thinking about it. 0:50:41.880 --> 0:50:44.839 And I see highlights and obviously see dom she kicking 0:50:44.880 --> 0:50:48.800 the goal, which is incredible, hurry out incredible, and I 0:50:48.840 --> 0:50:51.640 applaud him for doing that, but well for kicking it, 0:50:51.640 --> 0:50:54.920 because good on him. But I just can't watch it. 0:50:55.000 --> 0:50:57.640 And but but I don't live with it. I don't, 0:50:58.160 --> 0:51:00.360 you know, I don't think what if this was if that, 0:51:00.480 --> 0:51:03.080 I don't it is what it is. I've gone through 0:51:03.080 --> 0:51:05.560 too much to dwell on that. I don't care. And 0:51:06.760 --> 0:51:09.000 I'm at a stage now, like I said, because I've 0:51:09.040 --> 0:51:13.080 cried earlier about my baby. My whole reason for living 0:51:13.120 --> 0:51:16.640 now is Kim and my baby. That's it. I feel 0:51:16.680 --> 0:51:19.480 like I'm in the best state of my mind that 0:51:19.560 --> 0:51:21.920 I've ever been in. In terms of my football. I 0:51:22.960 --> 0:51:26.399 love coming in training, I love seeing the guys. I'm 0:51:26.440 --> 0:51:30.000 at an age where physically my next three to four 0:51:30.080 --> 0:51:34.319 years are probably my prime years. Yeah, I'm just in 0:51:34.400 --> 0:51:36.920 terms of footing, I'm just carefree, like the way I 0:51:36.960 --> 0:51:37.359 should be. 0:51:38.040 --> 0:51:40.600 Were you diagnosed with something with the psych with Jackie. 0:51:41.320 --> 0:51:43.719 I've been diagnosed with OCD, not with Jackie. That was 0:51:43.719 --> 0:51:49.600 with earlier. Got out of that and then yeah, sort 0:51:49.640 --> 0:51:52.759 of depression in a way. Yeah, yeah, And I was 0:51:52.800 --> 0:51:56.640 on tablets things to help me with my depression. And yeah, 0:51:56.840 --> 0:51:59.000 diagnosed pretty much with having a bit of depression. 0:52:00.160 --> 0:52:02.720 When you heard that word, how did you feel? Because 0:52:02.719 --> 0:52:05.440 some people feel relieved and some people feel labeled. 0:52:05.640 --> 0:52:09.160 Yeah, no, I wasn't labeled. I didn't fee labeled because 0:52:09.200 --> 0:52:11.320 I sort of knew it. I sort of knew it. 0:52:11.400 --> 0:52:14.359 I just would deny it because you know, you don't 0:52:14.360 --> 0:52:18.759 really want to be diagnosed with depression, because yeah, you 0:52:18.920 --> 0:52:21.480 just for so many things. We've got one life to leave. 0:52:21.480 --> 0:52:25.200 It only be known as having depression. But I knew that, 0:52:25.400 --> 0:52:28.960 and I probably needed that. I needed that to know 0:52:30.360 --> 0:52:33.200 where I was at in my life, to know that 0:52:33.760 --> 0:52:36.279 this isn't a healthy lifestyle. This isn't the way you 0:52:36.280 --> 0:52:39.719 should be living. It's not healthy for relationships that you 0:52:39.719 --> 0:52:42.439 want to build. You can't keep putting Kim through this. 0:52:43.440 --> 0:52:45.560 You know, this circle that you're going through. You have 0:52:45.600 --> 0:52:48.680 your days, are you good and then you're bad? Turn 0:52:48.760 --> 0:52:51.920 it into something that you can help other people with. 0:52:52.360 --> 0:52:56.239 You know, after a period of time where I'd see 0:52:56.320 --> 0:52:59.319 Jackie every twice every week, then it got to a 0:52:59.320 --> 0:53:02.840 point where I'd I'd just love to help people. You know. 0:53:02.880 --> 0:53:06.600 I did a thing last year leading into the finals, 0:53:06.719 --> 0:53:10.200 one of my school friends, Brandon, messaged me on Facebook. 0:53:10.239 --> 0:53:11.759 I hadn't spoken to him at ages, but with one 0:53:11.760 --> 0:53:13.680 of those with one of those guys, you when we 0:53:13.680 --> 0:53:17.279 see each other, it's just like the old days. Asked 0:53:17.320 --> 0:53:20.560 me to come and speak to three hundred people at 0:53:20.600 --> 0:53:24.040 a factory about mental illness and depression and how it 0:53:24.080 --> 0:53:27.520 affects everyone, not only sports people, and it was the 0:53:27.560 --> 0:53:30.080 best thing I've ever done. Like it was great. I 0:53:30.120 --> 0:53:31.920 loved it. I loved being able to talk about it. 0:53:31.960 --> 0:53:33.520 I felt like they got so much out of it. 0:53:33.560 --> 0:53:36.120 I had, you know, most of them come up and 0:53:36.400 --> 0:53:40.959 personally thank me and appreciate me coming out and talking 0:53:41.040 --> 0:53:43.200 about things that I'd gone through. But everything that I'd 0:53:43.239 --> 0:53:48.040 spoken about, I I never meant it to intentionally get 0:53:48.040 --> 0:53:50.759 people to, you know, think poor Adam or It was 0:53:51.400 --> 0:53:53.319 never any of that. It was never any of that. 0:53:54.080 --> 0:53:57.319 It was just I felt like I had the platform 0:53:57.800 --> 0:53:59.960 with my documentary that was coming out on the footag 0:54:00.000 --> 0:54:03.520 Club and me being in it, being on AFL three sixty, 0:54:03.560 --> 0:54:05.280 which I know he's watched by a lot of people 0:54:05.320 --> 0:54:10.759 and especially footy fans, and wanting the broader public. I 0:54:10.800 --> 0:54:13.240 guess who are outside Collingwood because a lot of Collingwood 0:54:13.239 --> 0:54:16.479 fans you know know what I'm like because I talked 0:54:16.480 --> 0:54:18.560 to him a lot of training. Whatever. It is the 0:54:18.560 --> 0:54:22.239 ones outside to see what we go through, to come 0:54:22.239 --> 0:54:24.920 into my world a little bit and see what I'm like. 0:54:25.400 --> 0:54:27.879 You know, the things we battle as athletes, but it's 0:54:27.920 --> 0:54:31.520 not just athletes, it's it's everyone. Everyone goes through their 0:54:31.560 --> 0:54:35.680 own battles. And yeah, it's been incredible, it's been incredible. 0:54:35.719 --> 0:54:38.839 I still get messages to this day, you know, fan 0:54:38.920 --> 0:54:41.399 mail and whatever. It is about being able to come 0:54:41.440 --> 0:54:44.400 out and talk about things, and yeah, it's at a 0:54:44.400 --> 0:54:48.439 point where it just should still be pushed, should still 0:54:48.480 --> 0:54:48.920 be pushed. 0:54:49.840 --> 0:54:52.280 It impacted your footy. You said you wanted to retire. 0:54:52.400 --> 0:54:55.520 Did it impact you and your life? Did you ever 0:54:55.600 --> 0:54:59.279 think that deeply about it in the sense of was 0:54:59.280 --> 0:54:59.879 it deeper than. 0:54:59.840 --> 0:55:04.920 For Yeah, yeah, definitely. You know retiring would be easy 0:55:05.520 --> 0:55:09.120 in terms of my life. Yeah, I know what you 0:55:09.160 --> 0:55:14.399 mean outside of footy. Yet you know, I'd never ever 0:55:14.440 --> 0:55:18.560 think about I would never ever harm myself or think 0:55:18.600 --> 0:55:21.520 about being brutally honest taking my own life. I'd never 0:55:21.520 --> 0:55:24.640 do anything of that because I feel like that is 0:55:24.680 --> 0:55:27.200 a selfish way to go about it, the amount of 0:55:27.200 --> 0:55:31.120 people that I would be hurting, the amount of people 0:55:31.160 --> 0:55:34.880 who would just die knowing that I wasn't here anymore. 0:55:35.280 --> 0:55:38.840 So I never ever thought that way, but I felt 0:55:39.000 --> 0:55:43.000 I did feel like the path that I'm going down 0:55:45.040 --> 0:55:47.560 could potentially lead to something like that. But I never 0:55:47.600 --> 0:55:49.160 thought about if you know what I mean, Like, I 0:55:49.160 --> 0:55:49.799 don't mean I. 0:55:49.760 --> 0:55:51.960 Ever thought of suicidal thoughts, but I. 0:55:53.040 --> 0:55:58.319 Felt what I was going through potentially, if I keep 0:55:58.360 --> 0:56:01.000 going down this path, it's going to be far worse 0:56:01.000 --> 0:56:05.160 than just retiring, you know. I might like got to 0:56:05.200 --> 0:56:08.040 a point where like I wanted to leave the state, 0:56:08.120 --> 0:56:09.400 Like I didn't want to be in the state. I 0:56:09.440 --> 0:56:11.400 wanted to leave the country because I felt like, you know, 0:56:12.640 --> 0:56:16.120 just be easier, just be easier. So, yeah, it was 0:56:16.200 --> 0:56:19.920 really it was really hard at times. It was really 0:56:20.000 --> 0:56:21.600 hard to try and live. I felt like I was 0:56:21.600 --> 0:56:24.200 living two lives. I was coming and acting a fraud 0:56:24.239 --> 0:56:26.400 in front of my teammates, telling him I was all 0:56:26.440 --> 0:56:28.279 good and all okay, but deep down it wasn't. 0:56:29.360 --> 0:56:31.920 And you've had a mate who, Yeah, I did. 0:56:31.960 --> 0:56:35.520 I did. One of my mates in school, Yeah, Ray, 0:56:35.640 --> 0:56:41.400 Ray Irdle. He back in two thousand and fourteen or thirteen. 0:56:42.120 --> 0:56:44.839 I think it was fourteen. Yeah, I was in Syny 0:56:44.880 --> 0:56:46.600 at the time, and my best mate at the time, Peter, 0:56:46.719 --> 0:56:49.719 called me and told me that Ray had, you know, 0:56:49.880 --> 0:56:53.920 taken his own life. So he was the most happiest, 0:56:54.040 --> 0:56:57.839 fun loving person, like he was just a great human being. 0:56:58.400 --> 0:57:00.960 He had a daughter, she was only one or two, 0:57:02.080 --> 0:57:03.879 and he had his own battles and no one's seen 0:57:03.920 --> 0:57:08.560 it coming. And it happened. Yeah, it happened, and I 0:57:08.600 --> 0:57:12.120 know it affects people to this day. It affects you 0:57:12.160 --> 0:57:15.280 know that that guy I mentioned earlier, Brandon who I 0:57:15.320 --> 0:57:19.520 guest spoke for, that was his best friend Ray, and 0:57:19.560 --> 0:57:21.920 we were chatting about it when I seen him for 0:57:21.960 --> 0:57:23.760 about two to three hours. I was there for about 0:57:23.800 --> 0:57:25.640 three hours. I spoke for forty five minutes, and I 0:57:25.960 --> 0:57:29.160 spoke to Brandon for about another two hours, talking about 0:57:29.200 --> 0:57:33.360 life and Ray. And it's just still hard to believe, 0:57:33.440 --> 0:57:37.920 because you know, it's something that he's It's something that 0:57:38.600 --> 0:57:40.919 in the world and the society that we live in, 0:57:41.320 --> 0:57:46.840 it is known and people are genuinely trying to do 0:57:46.920 --> 0:57:49.840 things about it, and you just want to, you know, 0:57:50.040 --> 0:57:54.640 you just wish you could say if only, like if 0:57:54.680 --> 0:57:56.560 only you know, if only he could have been there, 0:57:56.600 --> 0:58:00.200 and I told him, it's all good, it's all okay, 0:58:00.240 --> 0:58:03.480 Like it's not you know, it's it's not as bad 0:58:03.520 --> 0:58:07.080 as you as it seems. It's it's okay. You know, 0:58:07.280 --> 0:58:11.840 if you need help, there's plenty of support lines. There's 0:58:11.880 --> 0:58:14.360 so many people that care about you. Like it is hard, 0:58:14.400 --> 0:58:17.280 it's hard to think about it. It's hard to fathom 0:58:17.320 --> 0:58:20.960 that that's how you know, he was taken from this world. 0:58:20.960 --> 0:58:24.520 It was him doing it himself, like it he should 0:58:25.720 --> 0:58:28.560 be a twenty seven year old man now with his 0:58:28.800 --> 0:58:35.440 you know, daughter and life. Yeah, so it's hard. It 0:58:35.520 --> 0:58:38.960 is hard to think about that and and to be honest, 0:58:39.120 --> 0:58:43.320 to be honest, when when I was thinking about, you know, 0:58:43.400 --> 0:58:48.080 me being at my worst, having that in my mind 0:58:48.120 --> 0:58:50.439 with Ray Irdle and knowing what had happened with Ray 0:58:51.120 --> 0:58:56.360 and what he'd obviously done, I'm so grateful that it 0:58:56.400 --> 0:58:58.600 never went down that path. I'm just grateful for it 0:58:58.640 --> 0:59:02.640 because I've seen I see I know for a fact, 0:59:02.680 --> 0:59:06.160 I see the hurt that has been left on his 0:59:06.320 --> 0:59:10.040 best friend Brandon, and you know, his daughter that's not 0:59:10.080 --> 0:59:13.720 going to that you know, doesn't see him. I know 0:59:13.800 --> 0:59:15.640 that if that were to go down the path of 0:59:16.120 --> 0:59:18.160 if I would ever go down that path, which I 0:59:18.200 --> 0:59:21.400 never would, thank god, I never thought about it. I 0:59:21.440 --> 0:59:23.760 just knew there'd be so many, so many people out 0:59:23.760 --> 0:59:27.880 there that would just hurt and break. And yeah, I'm 0:59:27.880 --> 0:59:31.520 just glad. Yeah, I'm just grateful, grateful for the for 0:59:31.600 --> 0:59:33.680 the people now. I'm grateful for the circle that I have, 0:59:33.800 --> 0:59:36.920 the circle of friends and family that I have now. Grateful. 0:59:37.200 --> 0:59:39.360 So if you're somebody listening to this and you're feeling, 0:59:39.440 --> 0:59:41.640 you can you know they can relate to how you're feeling. 0:59:42.560 --> 0:59:44.640 What do you say to those people now? Because it's 0:59:44.640 --> 0:59:46.200 a lot for you to take on as well, those 0:59:46.240 --> 0:59:48.640 people coming to you and sharing their own stories. 0:59:48.760 --> 0:59:49.960 I appreciate that though. 0:59:50.360 --> 0:59:53.080 It's amazing, but it's also a lot for one person 0:59:53.120 --> 0:59:56.240 to take on. What do you say to all? 0:59:56.640 --> 0:59:59.640 I try and think about what my ways of how 0:59:59.680 --> 1:00:02.240 I do with it. And one you've got to recognize 1:00:02.240 --> 1:00:05.800 it and not be in denial with your own feelings 1:00:05.840 --> 1:00:12.640 and your own emotions, and don't be the nineteen fifty sixty, seventies, eighties, 1:00:12.680 --> 1:00:17.000 even nineties, even two thousand's man because a lot of 1:00:17.000 --> 1:00:20.160 these issues with men, because we're meant to be big 1:00:20.200 --> 1:00:24.600 marcho men you know who have no feelings. She'll be 1:00:24.680 --> 1:00:26.600 right is the saying she'll be right. It's fine. You 1:00:26.680 --> 1:00:28.959 know you got someone has passed away in your family, 1:00:28.960 --> 1:00:31.160 Oh shul be right, it's fine. Or you could get 1:00:31.240 --> 1:00:34.120 sacked at your job. It's fine. I'll deal with that. 1:00:34.160 --> 1:00:37.200 Whatever it is, that should never be the resolution in 1:00:37.240 --> 1:00:39.600 your head. She'll be right. Like what I just said, 1:00:39.640 --> 1:00:42.160 you've got to acknowledge it. And once you acknowledge it, 1:00:42.440 --> 1:00:44.400 talk to someone who It doesn't matter who it is. 1:00:44.480 --> 1:00:47.280 Talk to someone. You're going to have someone out there 1:00:47.640 --> 1:00:50.479 who is going to want to listen, and in this case, 1:00:50.480 --> 1:00:53.080 for me, it was Kim and Jackie. So talk to 1:00:53.120 --> 1:00:55.600 someone and whatever it is, you don't have to say 1:00:56.800 --> 1:01:00.920 all your problems in one little hit it over. You 1:01:01.360 --> 1:01:04.040 get a regular coffee catch up or whatever. 1:01:04.080 --> 1:01:06.560 It is just the overwhelming thing for a lot of people, 1:01:06.600 --> 1:01:07.919 isn't It's like where do I star hunt? 1:01:07.960 --> 1:01:11.320 Exactly? They bottle it up and when you say something, 1:01:11.360 --> 1:01:13.480 it's just this big explosion and it comes out, but 1:01:13.520 --> 1:01:16.360 it comes out in different ways. And for me it 1:01:16.400 --> 1:01:18.880 was balling my eyes out in the pool. For ray Rdle, 1:01:18.920 --> 1:01:21.520 it was taking his own life, like it comes out 1:01:21.520 --> 1:01:25.960 in different ways where it should just be recognizing it, 1:01:26.120 --> 1:01:29.840 understanding that you're dealing with something here. You may not 1:01:29.880 --> 1:01:32.600 know what it is, but there's something there. You're not right, 1:01:32.640 --> 1:01:35.520 you don't feel good within yourself, Go and talk to someone. 1:01:35.640 --> 1:01:37.600 And it doesn't have to be a professional. Go to 1:01:37.640 --> 1:01:39.720 someone that you care and love and know that cares 1:01:39.760 --> 1:01:42.840 about you. And everyone in this world would have someone 1:01:42.920 --> 1:01:44.960 like that. Go to them and talk to him and 1:01:45.000 --> 1:01:47.880 then whatever it is, if you feel great after that, 1:01:48.040 --> 1:01:50.040 or if you feel like you need further advice or 1:01:50.840 --> 1:01:54.360 whatever it is, find them steps to do that. Go 1:01:54.400 --> 1:01:56.440 to someone. If you want to go to someone professionally, 1:01:56.480 --> 1:01:58.840 go and do that. I did that with Jackie. And 1:01:59.000 --> 1:02:02.000 there's a reason why they study for years to become 1:02:02.080 --> 1:02:05.400 psychologists and whatnot, because they help people like this. I 1:02:05.400 --> 1:02:08.120 think the overriding message that I got out of all 1:02:08.160 --> 1:02:10.560 this and that I continue to do to this day, 1:02:10.840 --> 1:02:14.040 because I'm always going to live with anxiety. It's just me, 1:02:14.240 --> 1:02:18.680 that's what I am. But for me, the messages it's 1:02:18.880 --> 1:02:21.080 never as bad as it seems, and it never should 1:02:21.160 --> 1:02:23.960 be as bad as it seems. You're always going to 1:02:24.040 --> 1:02:26.960 think the absolute worst of the worst. That's the way 1:02:27.080 --> 1:02:29.680 human beings are wide, it's the way we're wired. But 1:02:29.880 --> 1:02:32.040 it never is. And as soon as you talk to 1:02:32.080 --> 1:02:35.440 someone and get a little thing off your chest, you 1:02:35.480 --> 1:02:37.439 just feel that little bit more relief and you feel 1:02:37.440 --> 1:02:39.760 like the stresses off your shoulders and you feel a 1:02:39.840 --> 1:02:42.920 little bit more happy and you feel comfortable. And then 1:02:42.920 --> 1:02:45.000 you talk again, a little bit more as off you 1:02:45.120 --> 1:02:47.800 and you just gradually take step by step. It's just 1:02:47.960 --> 1:02:50.520 it's never as bad as it seems, never as bad 1:02:50.560 --> 1:02:51.120 as it seems. 1:02:52.040 --> 1:02:55.720 Hey, finally, you so just spoke. You grew up with 1:02:56.120 --> 1:02:59.320 not a lot. Now that you have security, you have footy, 1:02:59.360 --> 1:03:02.760 and you've got a bit of financial success and career success. 1:03:03.240 --> 1:03:05.120 What kind of things have you done for your mum 1:03:05.280 --> 1:03:07.960 and your family now? And you smile when I ask 1:03:08.000 --> 1:03:08.600 you that question. 1:03:09.480 --> 1:03:11.800 Yeah, well, my mum doesn't live in a ministry house anymore. 1:03:11.840 --> 1:03:15.400 So one of my goals, I'll buy my mama house 1:03:15.760 --> 1:03:20.040 when it's just her and my stepdad. So when my 1:03:20.120 --> 1:03:23.720 younger brother and sister are, when they're done with living 1:03:23.720 --> 1:03:26.520 at home and branching off into their own world because 1:03:26.560 --> 1:03:28.600 they're living at home still, I'm going to buy my 1:03:28.640 --> 1:03:31.760 mama house, but as soon as I could, I got 1:03:31.840 --> 1:03:35.120 them out of the ministry house. Randomly, I'll just go 1:03:35.160 --> 1:03:37.720 to the coals and buy, you know, five hundred dollars 1:03:37.760 --> 1:03:39.480 worth of groceries and just drop them off to Mum. 1:03:40.080 --> 1:03:43.720 I get my emotional side and my feminine side from 1:03:43.760 --> 1:03:45.680 my Mum. I'll cry at the drop of her hat. 1:03:46.120 --> 1:03:48.200 Come into the see my baby when she's born. I'll 1:03:48.240 --> 1:03:50.720 be ball in my eyes out. But Mom cries whenever 1:03:50.760 --> 1:03:54.080 I do anything like that. So just anything she needs 1:03:54.280 --> 1:03:55.120 and she needs. 1:03:55.440 --> 1:03:57.720 It must be nice to see that reaction though from her, 1:03:58.880 --> 1:04:00.000 because you've done. 1:04:00.320 --> 1:04:02.480 Oh. The best thing is Mum is never she never 1:04:02.560 --> 1:04:05.760 asks for anything. She never would. She never asks and 1:04:05.800 --> 1:04:09.000 the only time she'd ever ask for anything is when 1:04:09.240 --> 1:04:12.720 they are in it. Like I'm talking probably life and death, 1:04:12.800 --> 1:04:15.360 desperate need. Other than that, never asks, which is the 1:04:15.360 --> 1:04:18.640 best thing about Mum. So Mum knows if she ever 1:04:18.680 --> 1:04:21.880 needs anything, and I'm there, I'll give her anything she wants, 1:04:21.960 --> 1:04:23.960 anything she wants, as long as she's happy and my 1:04:24.040 --> 1:04:28.280 family's happy. But yeah, we're good now, we're good now. 1:04:29.120 --> 1:04:30.960 I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I 1:04:31.000 --> 1:04:32.360 think you're going to be a wonderful dad. 1:04:32.440 --> 1:04:38.640 Thank you, thank you. I can't wait. It's the Yeah, 1:04:38.680 --> 1:04:40.920 it's gonna be the greatest. It's gonna be the greatest. 1:04:40.920 --> 1:04:43.760 I can't wait. She's already the most spoilt girl in 1:04:43.760 --> 1:04:46.480 the world, and I've got a lot of a lot 1:04:46.480 --> 1:04:49.160 of my best friends are very protective of me, so 1:04:49.240 --> 1:04:52.200 I can't wait to see what they're all like with her. 1:04:52.360 --> 1:04:55.640 So she's going to be, Yeah, the most loved human 1:04:55.640 --> 1:04:56.280 being in the world. 1:04:57.120 --> 1:05:00.640 Thank you for being so honest and open. People listening 1:05:00.720 --> 1:05:02.880 to this, it's it's definitely going to help them. And 1:05:03.920 --> 1:05:06.480 like I said, I've always enjoyed interviewing you over the years, 1:05:06.520 --> 1:05:08.760 but yeah, I admire you even more so. 1:05:08.880 --> 1:05:12.680 Thank you. Thanks to appreciate it time. 1:05:14.080 --> 1:05:17.360 Thanks for listening to this episode of Ordinarily Speaking, and 1:05:17.480 --> 1:05:20.920 once again a big thank you to Adam Chalaw absolute superstar. 1:05:21.560 --> 1:05:23.800 If you're struggling to make sure you ask for help, 1:05:23.840 --> 1:05:27.080 head to Lifeline dot org dot au or Beyond Blue 1:05:27.200 --> 1:05:29.240 or there are plenty of others out there as well. 1:05:29.280 --> 1:05:32.000 Please just ask for some help. If you want to 1:05:32.040 --> 1:05:38.160 get involved in this podcast at Ordinarily Underscore Speaking on Instagram. 1:05:38.200 --> 1:05:38.960 Thanks again. 1:05:40.640 --> 1:06:05.200 Us after send me let you want me Tho