WEBVTT - Science-based tips to becoming your most confident self ⚡ 0:00:03.720 --> 0:00:04.320 Get out everyone. 0:00:04.360 --> 0:00:06.960 Sam Wood here and it's hung over Sam, which I 0:00:06.960 --> 0:00:08.920 wasn't sure if I should tell you or not tell you. 0:00:09.160 --> 0:00:12.159 It's not terribly professional, and this is really going to 0:00:12.200 --> 0:00:12.800 make me sound bad. 0:00:12.840 --> 0:00:13.800 But it's also a Thursday. 0:00:14.320 --> 0:00:16.840 I had one of my two of my very close friends' 0:00:16.840 --> 0:00:20.760 weddings last night. I don't normally drink anything during the week, 0:00:21.239 --> 0:00:25.040 but there was champagne and wine flowing at a simply 0:00:25.160 --> 0:00:28.600 spectacular wedding in Country Victoria. That station I went to 0:00:28.760 --> 0:00:31.120 last night and it was absolutely wonderful. So feeling a 0:00:31.160 --> 0:00:34.400 little bit seedy today, but still very excited to be 0:00:34.479 --> 0:00:36.159 here in the Shito because we had some very very 0:00:36.159 --> 0:00:39.840 special guests. They're known as the Psychology Sisters, and they're 0:00:39.840 --> 0:00:42.840 going to talk to us about the importance of self confidence, 0:00:43.120 --> 0:00:47.880 increasing your self esteem, and actually really getting into self worth, 0:00:47.920 --> 0:00:49.800 which is one of those things that we don't talk 0:00:49.840 --> 0:00:53.440 about enough, we often probably don't understand enough, and it 0:00:53.520 --> 0:00:56.400 is super super important. And then after that we're going 0:00:56.400 --> 0:01:00.240 to talk about spring fresh produce because spring is here 0:01:00.440 --> 0:01:03.040 and we want to eat well foods that taste delicious 0:01:03.080 --> 0:01:04.240 and save a little bit of money. 0:01:04.600 --> 0:01:05.400 This is the Wood life. 0:01:05.480 --> 0:01:06.360 I'm Sam Wood. 0:01:06.760 --> 0:01:31.520 Let's get into it. 0:01:31.560 --> 0:01:34.039 So today on the wood Life, we are uncovering a 0:01:34.080 --> 0:01:37.280 really interesting topic and something that perhaps gets swept under 0:01:37.319 --> 0:01:39.080 the rag a little bit or not talked about enough, 0:01:39.080 --> 0:01:42.440 and that is confidence and self esteem. And what's better 0:01:42.480 --> 0:01:44.720 than one expert on the matter when you can have 0:01:44.800 --> 0:01:48.240 two experts on the matter. And we are thrilled to 0:01:48.280 --> 0:01:51.920 be joined by the psychology sisters, Kat and Amy. Now 0:01:52.000 --> 0:01:56.680 I'll just get this right. Cat, you are a psychologist, 0:01:56.960 --> 0:02:01.320 and Amy you are a psychotherapist and counsel are and 0:02:01.440 --> 0:02:04.640 together you are the psychology Sisters. And I can't wait 0:02:04.680 --> 0:02:06.520 to get into this interesting topic with you. And thanks 0:02:06.520 --> 0:02:07.360 for joining us today. 0:02:07.560 --> 0:02:10.480 Thank you, Sam. Yes, you did so well, absolutely correct. 0:02:11.240 --> 0:02:15.600 We're here to talk about confidence and self esteem. And 0:02:17.080 --> 0:02:21.400 I'm a relatively naturally confident person, I feel, and I 0:02:21.400 --> 0:02:24.200 think I've definitely done things through my life that have 0:02:24.440 --> 0:02:27.760 absolutely helped me gain confidence and continue to build that. 0:02:28.000 --> 0:02:31.200 But my brother and sister, who are both younger than me, 0:02:32.120 --> 0:02:35.080 definitely don't have the same sort of natural confidence that 0:02:35.160 --> 0:02:37.440 I have. And my sister sort of tongue in cheek, 0:02:37.520 --> 0:02:39.360 says that I got all the confidence in the family 0:02:39.360 --> 0:02:40.720 and there was none left for her. And my brother, 0:02:40.800 --> 0:02:43.200 which is a bit of a bit of a she's 0:02:43.280 --> 0:02:45.840 sort of joking, but she definitely doesn't have the same 0:02:45.880 --> 0:02:48.400 confidence to meet new people and put herself out there 0:02:48.440 --> 0:02:52.120 that I potentially do. So how much of confidence do 0:02:52.240 --> 0:02:54.919 you feel is something that you're born with and how 0:02:55.000 --> 0:02:58.000 much of it is something that you can actually work 0:02:58.040 --> 0:02:58.880 on and develop? 0:03:00.040 --> 0:03:03.000 Great questions, Sam, I think you're absolutely so spot on 0:03:03.120 --> 0:03:05.760 with the differences in siblings. That is such a common 0:03:06.360 --> 0:03:09.639 characteristic trait that can show up quite differently among siblings, 0:03:09.720 --> 0:03:12.880 and it kind of creates a question of nature versus nurture, right, 0:03:13.200 --> 0:03:16.239 how much is this a biological or personality trait versus 0:03:16.240 --> 0:03:19.639 how much is learned? And I think both both can 0:03:19.680 --> 0:03:22.840 be true. I think absolutely we can be born, you know, 0:03:22.880 --> 0:03:25.400 with more extraversion than others. We can be born with 0:03:25.560 --> 0:03:29.079 you know, maybe more risk taking behaviors than others, which 0:03:29.120 --> 0:03:32.280 can come across as confidence, but we can also learn it. 0:03:32.400 --> 0:03:36.240 Confidence is absolutely it is really heavily impacted by our environment, 0:03:36.760 --> 0:03:39.320 the way that our parents or care givers spoke to us, 0:03:39.360 --> 0:03:41.640 the way that our teachers coaches spoke to us, the 0:03:41.640 --> 0:03:44.200 way that our friends spoke to us, the way in 0:03:44.240 --> 0:03:46.880 which the world works the way in which we see 0:03:46.960 --> 0:03:49.480 you know, who's good and who's not good or perfection 0:03:50.440 --> 0:03:53.080 really can impact on our ability and the way that 0:03:53.120 --> 0:03:57.160 we see ourselves and value ourselves. So I would say both, Sam, 0:03:57.200 --> 0:04:02.720 I'd say both biological personality traite, but also confidence can 0:04:02.760 --> 0:04:03.800 absolutely be learned. 0:04:04.000 --> 0:04:06.440 Let's go, let's go sort of beneath the surface a 0:04:06.480 --> 0:04:11.360 little bit. What's actually happening to our brains when we're 0:04:12.400 --> 0:04:15.760 when we're experiencing confidence versus sort of when we're not. 0:04:16.000 --> 0:04:19.599 Is there something happening to our actual brain function when 0:04:19.680 --> 0:04:20.200 that's happening. 0:04:20.880 --> 0:04:21.200 Yeah. 0:04:21.240 --> 0:04:27.000 Absolutely, that's a really really good question, Sam. I think 0:04:27.279 --> 0:04:31.160 this can be best explained or described when we think 0:04:31.200 --> 0:04:35.880 back to evolutionary processes. So, for example, when we feel 0:04:35.920 --> 0:04:39.120 threatened in some way, and I think confidence is most 0:04:39.160 --> 0:04:46.520 threatened when we talk about social threats, so threat of embarrassment, rejection, failure, shame. 0:04:47.440 --> 0:04:52.159 We have our survival system that activates flight fall freeze. 0:04:52.520 --> 0:04:56.919 So we fight with ourselves. Okay, we criticize, we suppress 0:04:57.200 --> 0:05:02.040 parts of ourselves that we learn aren't say, accepted, approved of. 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:05.960 These mechanisms are designed to keep us in line or 0:05:06.000 --> 0:05:08.800 fix things about ourselves, to keep us safe. So that 0:05:08.839 --> 0:05:12.680 we belong here, so that we're accepted as humans. Our 0:05:12.760 --> 0:05:17.680 most primitive survival mechanism is to make sure that we 0:05:17.760 --> 0:05:21.520 are connected, that we are belonging. So sometimes we might 0:05:21.560 --> 0:05:25.000 flee into shame and isolation as a way to avoid 0:05:25.080 --> 0:05:27.599 discomfort things that we're not good at, or things that 0:05:27.600 --> 0:05:31.560 we fear that we might fail at and form. We 0:05:31.640 --> 0:05:35.080 might start to mold ourselves into being whatever somebody else 0:05:35.400 --> 0:05:37.600 wants us to be, or whatever we perceive that we 0:05:37.640 --> 0:05:41.080 need to be in order to feel safe in the 0:05:41.120 --> 0:05:45.080 sense of belonging or to avoid things like embarrassment or rejection. 0:05:45.760 --> 0:05:48.560 And so we can start to understand that these adaptive 0:05:48.640 --> 0:05:51.640 mechanisms that initially, you know, were there to keep us 0:05:51.640 --> 0:05:57.320 safe from saber tooth tigers actually become really unhelpful when say, 0:05:57.360 --> 0:05:59.800 we don't like the way we look and address, or 0:06:00.000 --> 0:06:02.600 we don't like, you know, photos of ourselves, or we 0:06:02.640 --> 0:06:05.680 don't think that we're the right weight, shape size. 0:06:06.279 --> 0:06:09.200 It's really interesting to go back to such a primitive origin. 0:06:09.240 --> 0:06:09.480 Amy. 0:06:09.880 --> 0:06:15.279 I've got a teenage daughter who I think that that 0:06:15.400 --> 0:06:18.400 age in particular, you know, she's seventeen years old, but 0:06:19.279 --> 0:06:24.880 she will analyze what's going to happen to within each 0:06:24.880 --> 0:06:27.640 of our life so much so that it paralyzes her 0:06:27.640 --> 0:06:30.960 a lot, you know, Like she'll think about going out, 0:06:31.040 --> 0:06:34.880 and then she's almost played out the whole scenario in 0:06:34.880 --> 0:06:36.720 her head of who's going to be there and what 0:06:36.760 --> 0:06:38.240 are they going to think? And what am I going 0:06:38.320 --> 0:06:39.839 to wear? And who else is going to you know, 0:06:40.240 --> 0:06:45.839 so much so that she's almost exhausted herself or lived 0:06:45.880 --> 0:06:50.279 it as a worst case scenario in her head rather than. 0:06:50.240 --> 0:06:55.480 Just go What a brilliant survival mechanism she has, Like 0:06:55.560 --> 0:06:59.280 this is the wisdom of her organ trying to create 0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:02.719 a sense of certainty and predictability that you know, there 0:07:02.800 --> 0:07:06.039 is this really big event and there are social risks 0:07:06.120 --> 0:07:11.520 and social threat and so this is her wise, beautiful 0:07:11.920 --> 0:07:16.120 brain trying to keep her safe by anticipating all of 0:07:16.160 --> 0:07:19.040 the what ifs what could happen. But then, like we 0:07:19.080 --> 0:07:25.320 were saying, sometimes these adaptive protective parts of us actually 0:07:25.400 --> 0:07:28.960 end up being blockages. And what I mean by blockages 0:07:29.240 --> 0:07:31.880 is sometimes they do such a great job at protecting 0:07:31.960 --> 0:07:36.160 us that we may not try to do things or 0:07:36.160 --> 0:07:40.360 put ourselves in situations because the risk or the fear 0:07:40.480 --> 0:07:45.320 of failure or embarrassment or judgment seems far too threatening 0:07:45.880 --> 0:07:47.000 or far too scary. 0:07:47.680 --> 0:07:50.640 Yeah, I mean I'm guilty of it. I mean guilty. 0:07:50.680 --> 0:07:53.880 Maybe it isn't the right word, but I'm definitely restricted 0:07:53.920 --> 0:07:56.200 by it in a networking sense. 0:07:56.640 --> 0:07:56.800 You know. 0:07:57.120 --> 0:07:59.160 Obviously a big part of my job is to get 0:07:59.200 --> 0:08:00.880 out there and made as many different people as I can, 0:08:00.920 --> 0:08:03.360 and I'd do some public speaking, or we'll go to 0:08:03.960 --> 0:08:10.000 various business events or fitness events. And even now, after 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:14.400 you know, so many years of experience doing what I do, 0:08:15.240 --> 0:08:18.640 I still find myself huddled in the corner of these 0:08:18.680 --> 0:08:20.800 big events with a thousand people, talking to the four 0:08:20.840 --> 0:08:23.320 people I know in my little safe place. I love 0:08:23.360 --> 0:08:24.800 to talk to you guys a little bit too about 0:08:24.800 --> 0:08:25.840 imposter syndrome. 0:08:25.920 --> 0:08:26.080 You know. 0:08:26.400 --> 0:08:30.160 It's one of those things that as I was growing 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:34.560 my twenty eight business and getting more of a public profile, 0:08:35.600 --> 0:08:41.720 I probably every month would have a sinking feeling in 0:08:41.800 --> 0:08:45.000 my stomach that this wasn't real. It was all too 0:08:45.000 --> 0:08:47.720 good to be true. I didn't belong here, and it 0:08:47.840 --> 0:08:51.040 was all probably going to end tomorrow. Why do we 0:08:51.080 --> 0:08:52.559 do that to ourselves? 0:08:52.600 --> 0:08:55.280 Great question, Sam, I think one that a lot of 0:08:55.280 --> 0:08:58.600 people can relate to. I know you're not alone in 0:08:58.640 --> 0:09:01.320 that feeling. I think really coming off the back of 0:09:01.360 --> 0:09:04.200 what Aims was talking about with you know, imposter syndrome 0:09:04.280 --> 0:09:07.680 is quite adaptive. Imposterive syndrome is that protective mechanism coming 0:09:07.760 --> 0:09:10.840 up again. That's saying, hey, you've got ninety nine compliments, 0:09:10.840 --> 0:09:13.960 but if there's one critical piece of feedback or one 0:09:14.880 --> 0:09:17.040 mistake that we've made, we're going to focus on that. 0:09:17.600 --> 0:09:19.760 And that's something we call the negativity bias, and that's 0:09:19.760 --> 0:09:22.600 something that we all have because our brain is not 0:09:22.679 --> 0:09:26.240 wide for happiness and risk taking. It's wide for safety. 0:09:26.720 --> 0:09:29.320 So whenever there's a threat, right, our brain will do 0:09:29.400 --> 0:09:31.360 this thing where it's like, well, this feels too scary. 0:09:32.120 --> 0:09:34.760 You know, this big thing feels scary, and I don't 0:09:34.800 --> 0:09:36.880 know if I feel deserving of this, so let's try 0:09:36.920 --> 0:09:39.679 and not do this. I bet maybe starting up your 0:09:39.720 --> 0:09:42.200 business there was probably a lot of that self talk 0:09:42.280 --> 0:09:44.719 of this feels too scary or there's a lot of 0:09:44.800 --> 0:09:47.439 risk here and it's safer to stay in my shell. 0:09:48.240 --> 0:09:51.240 Imposter syndrome is you know, really the function of it 0:09:51.280 --> 0:09:55.840 is to really self reflect and it creates insight because 0:09:55.840 --> 0:09:58.960 as humans, the function of the negativity bias and imposter 0:09:59.000 --> 0:10:02.120 syndrome is to do better, be better. Really, if you 0:10:02.200 --> 0:10:06.120 were really self confident and really over confident, you probably 0:10:06.160 --> 0:10:09.000 wouldn't grow, You wouldn't develop, you wouldn't look into your 0:10:09.000 --> 0:10:11.440 business or yourself or whatever it may be that you're 0:10:11.800 --> 0:10:14.160 passionate about, and then think about what can I do better? 0:10:14.240 --> 0:10:16.599 How can I be better? So I think there is 0:10:16.640 --> 0:10:19.680 a function of imposter syndrome of we really looking to 0:10:19.760 --> 0:10:22.400 ourselves and really think, Okay, I want to do better 0:10:22.440 --> 0:10:24.720 and be better. But it can get to a point 0:10:24.720 --> 0:10:27.400 where it is quite dysfunctional and not helpful, when it's 0:10:27.679 --> 0:10:31.480 crippling you or overwhelming you. So essentially it is about 0:10:31.520 --> 0:10:34.720 that middle ground of always self reflecting and wanting to 0:10:34.760 --> 0:10:38.360 do better, but also knowing that you are deserving of 0:10:38.400 --> 0:10:41.320 where you are. You've worked really really hard to get 0:10:41.360 --> 0:10:44.200 where you were, and if you're not experiencing imposters syndrome, 0:10:44.200 --> 0:10:47.240 you're probably not growing. It's really common, no matter how 0:10:47.240 --> 0:10:50.440 successful you are, to experience it. It's not a sign 0:10:50.520 --> 0:10:52.960 that you shouldn't be doing it. It's a sign that 0:10:53.400 --> 0:10:56.080 you are outside your comfort zone and it feels really scary, 0:10:56.200 --> 0:10:59.040 but it doesn't necessarily mean to stop. I think it's 0:10:59.080 --> 0:11:01.400 a really normal experience to feel. 0:11:02.000 --> 0:11:05.120 I love that. I love that. You know, I've never 0:11:05.280 --> 0:11:10.280 viewed it as having a positive purpose, And I totally 0:11:10.360 --> 0:11:13.000 understand exactly what you're saying. It's both and it's a 0:11:13.000 --> 0:11:16.480 fine line. But I think because I never do stop 0:11:16.520 --> 0:11:20.760 and reflect or stop and congratulate myself, perhaps it brought 0:11:20.800 --> 0:11:22.319 when it did come on, it came and more. You 0:11:22.400 --> 0:11:26.160 sort of extreme in extreme manner. So enough about me, 0:11:26.400 --> 0:11:28.280 let's stop talking about me. So a lot of my 0:11:28.360 --> 0:11:30.800 twenty eight is a lot of our listeners are on 0:11:30.840 --> 0:11:33.920 a wellness journey, and it's you know, whether it's trying 0:11:33.920 --> 0:11:36.160 to get fitter or stronger, or lose the weight that 0:11:36.160 --> 0:11:38.200 they've never been able to lose, or whatever it might be. 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:42.800 And I do little coaching groups with a lot of them, 0:11:43.559 --> 0:11:48.960 and something that I see far more often than I 0:11:49.080 --> 0:11:53.560 sort of expected to, I think from people that are having, 0:11:53.800 --> 0:11:57.240 in my eyes, a wonderful deal of success. You know, 0:11:57.240 --> 0:12:00.120 they're losing lots of weight, they're fitter and stronger and 0:12:00.640 --> 0:12:03.800 healthier than they ever have been, but it's just not 0:12:03.880 --> 0:12:07.480 how they see themselves. How do these people start to 0:12:07.600 --> 0:12:12.360 change their mindset and sort of shift that way they're 0:12:12.400 --> 0:12:15.040 feeling about confidence and self esteem, to be able to 0:12:15.080 --> 0:12:17.240 accept these compliments and be able to be prouder of 0:12:17.280 --> 0:12:19.920 how far they've come, rather than continually just focusing on 0:12:19.960 --> 0:12:20.959 how far they've got to go. 0:12:21.920 --> 0:12:26.640 Oh, that is such a great question, and I think absolutely, Sam, 0:12:26.640 --> 0:12:29.000 we are talking about something a little bit different than 0:12:29.559 --> 0:12:35.920 confidence here. Confidence and self worse are not the same things. 0:12:36.240 --> 0:12:39.520 And what you're talking about in terms of no matter 0:12:39.600 --> 0:12:47.800 what external achievements I seem to gain, something still doesn't 0:12:47.840 --> 0:12:53.760 feel enough. That is more in that self worse realm. Now, 0:12:54.400 --> 0:13:00.560 so much of body image and physical appearance based lacks 0:13:00.679 --> 0:13:04.640 around confidence have very little to do with what our 0:13:04.720 --> 0:13:08.800 actual physical body looks like, and so much to do 0:13:08.920 --> 0:13:12.360 with the messages and the meaning and the worth and 0:13:12.480 --> 0:13:15.760 value we attribute to our body and our body image. 0:13:16.440 --> 0:13:20.079 So no one is born hating their body. These are 0:13:20.360 --> 0:13:24.760 messages we learn, and essentially that voice that says, okay, 0:13:25.160 --> 0:13:28.520 once I lose five kilos, then I'll be enough. My 0:13:28.559 --> 0:13:31.719 biggest tip. I wish it was simple, it's not. It 0:13:31.760 --> 0:13:35.640 would be self compassion. And this often seems to be 0:13:35.840 --> 0:13:40.320 used as something that is quite fluffy. It's not. I 0:13:40.360 --> 0:13:43.960 guess if we're going back to our nervous system. Self 0:13:44.000 --> 0:13:47.559 compassion relies on our safety system, you know, it helps 0:13:47.640 --> 0:13:50.440 us to feel soothed and safe. And going back to 0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:54.160 evolutionary theory, it's that care system that we use to 0:13:54.160 --> 0:13:58.679 give love to others, to our children. Essentially, self compassion 0:13:58.800 --> 0:14:02.480 is flipping this on our elves. It's what we already 0:14:02.520 --> 0:14:05.200 give to others, but it's being able to do that 0:14:05.280 --> 0:14:07.400 to ourselves. And if we break down the meaning of 0:14:07.440 --> 0:14:14.119 compassion com means wiz and passion means suffer, So compassion 0:14:14.240 --> 0:14:17.360 literally means to suffer with. So if we are able 0:14:17.440 --> 0:14:22.600 to really acknowledge and recognize our experience rather than beating 0:14:22.600 --> 0:14:26.840 ourselves up and criticizing ourselves, if we're able to acknowledge 0:14:26.840 --> 0:14:30.320 that this is really hard and validate that, then we 0:14:30.320 --> 0:14:33.880 feel less overwhelmed, We feel less anxious, It reduces fear 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:36.720 of failure. We're more able to cope with the discomfort. 0:14:36.880 --> 0:14:39.640 It helps with burnout because we're able to set boundaries 0:14:39.640 --> 0:14:43.160 for ourselves, we have better work life balance, and it's contagious. 0:14:43.280 --> 0:14:46.360 When we model this to our children, to people around us, 0:14:46.840 --> 0:14:50.480 we help others be less criticizing and more compassionate towards 0:14:50.520 --> 0:14:53.560 themselves too, and I think women in general are pretty 0:14:53.880 --> 0:14:58.040 bad at doing this right, because we're raised to feel 0:14:58.120 --> 0:15:01.400 value and worth based on putting others first. Okay, we 0:15:01.440 --> 0:15:05.640 see being self compassionate as being selfish, and we think that, 0:15:05.680 --> 0:15:08.360 you know, we have this limited supply of compassion, but 0:15:08.480 --> 0:15:11.920 actually it's additive. So the more compassion you give to yourself, 0:15:12.600 --> 0:15:16.760 the more will be available for others. Okay, and sometimes 0:15:17.000 --> 0:15:21.680 logistically there are time limitations, and that's a very real resource. 0:15:21.960 --> 0:15:25.160 But what I love about self compassion is we never 0:15:25.240 --> 0:15:29.000 run out of emotional support like warmth and kindness and 0:15:29.120 --> 0:15:32.920 patience and care. That's always going to be available to us. 0:15:33.080 --> 0:15:36.160 We just have to give ourselves permission to access that 0:15:36.280 --> 0:15:39.760 for ourself, and that is like a continual process. So 0:15:39.800 --> 0:15:44.360 it's an everyday practice of starting to access this part. 0:15:44.760 --> 0:15:49.400 So what are the simplest, quickest things that someone could 0:15:49.400 --> 0:15:53.320 start doing from tomorrow? From a practical sense, I think. 0:15:53.080 --> 0:15:56.680 Having really reflect on how you speak to yourself is 0:15:56.720 --> 0:16:00.120 really important here, Like Aims was saying self compassion not 0:16:00.160 --> 0:16:02.720 self compassionate, you're probably talking to yourself quite negatively. So 0:16:02.760 --> 0:16:05.480 I guess a really practical strategy is, you know, we 0:16:05.640 --> 0:16:08.040 here to write nice things about yourself and think positive. 0:16:08.120 --> 0:16:10.120 But how can you do that when you've been at 0:16:10.120 --> 0:16:14.520 war with yourself for many years. You can't suddenly change 0:16:14.520 --> 0:16:16.920 the way you think about yourself overnight. So something that 0:16:17.000 --> 0:16:20.800 I ask for or do with clients is write down 0:16:20.840 --> 0:16:23.520 the thoughts you have about yourself, and how can we 0:16:23.840 --> 0:16:26.240 instead of going straight to positive, how can we actually 0:16:26.240 --> 0:16:29.120 go to a mutual statement. So instead of I hate 0:16:29.160 --> 0:16:31.800 my thighs, instead of going to I love my thighs. 0:16:31.800 --> 0:16:33.640 Your brain is clever out. Your brain's not going to 0:16:33.720 --> 0:16:35.960 believe that. Your brain's are going to be like, okay, great, 0:16:36.200 --> 0:16:39.680 I'll flick that switch. That neural pathways now change. We 0:16:39.800 --> 0:16:43.080 need to create statements that we actually believe but aren't 0:16:43.120 --> 0:16:46.360 as negative or intense as something like I hate this 0:16:46.480 --> 0:16:50.080 part of myself. So something like you know, if that's 0:16:50.080 --> 0:16:53.200 how you feel, I hate this body part. Instead of that, 0:16:53.400 --> 0:16:55.840 could we maybe have a statement of, you know what, 0:16:55.920 --> 0:16:59.000 this body part really helps me run, or this body 0:16:59.000 --> 0:17:02.680 part helps me diegets food, this body part is really helpful, 0:17:03.160 --> 0:17:05.880 and you know what, your brain will perceive that as oh, 0:17:06.040 --> 0:17:08.919 that actually is fact. So then what will happen is 0:17:08.920 --> 0:17:11.000 we'll create a new neural pathway. The next time we 0:17:11.040 --> 0:17:13.359 think about that body part or we practice that. As 0:17:13.400 --> 0:17:16.399 Ames was saying, we won't go straight into that. Really 0:17:16.920 --> 0:17:20.160 it's not negative. They're protective. They're very protective thoughts, right, 0:17:20.720 --> 0:17:23.280 it'll go to that logic. You know what, although I 0:17:23.280 --> 0:17:25.639 still feel this way about my body part, I'm acknowledging 0:17:25.680 --> 0:17:28.560 there's a positive or a neutral part to this that 0:17:29.040 --> 0:17:31.479 it helps me in some way. So I think that 0:17:31.480 --> 0:17:33.560 that's a trap we can get caught in. Is I 0:17:33.600 --> 0:17:36.080 noticed this with clients with their body image, that I 0:17:36.119 --> 0:17:39.439 should love myself and that's actually not the case at all. 0:17:39.480 --> 0:17:41.800 It would be great to get there, but it's a journey, 0:17:41.840 --> 0:17:45.520 it's a relationship, you know, and it's slowly taking those 0:17:45.560 --> 0:17:49.760 baby steps. So neutralizing, you know, statements like that, focusing 0:17:49.800 --> 0:17:52.480 on the function of your body, the strengths that you 0:17:52.560 --> 0:17:54.280 have that are true, your brain is going to be 0:17:54.400 --> 0:17:56.520 much better able to get there and believe that than 0:17:56.600 --> 0:18:00.720 going straight to everything's perfect and I love everythingout myself. 0:18:01.600 --> 0:18:03.640 You said too, Amy, It's not an easy process, which 0:18:03.640 --> 0:18:07.240 I think is a really important thing for people to understand, 0:18:07.280 --> 0:18:09.240 particularly if this is how you've been for a long 0:18:09.240 --> 0:18:11.080 long time, you said, Kat, You've been at war with 0:18:11.119 --> 0:18:13.639 yourself for a long time. It's not a click your 0:18:13.680 --> 0:18:16.800 finger turn things around youb I love that neutralizing things 0:18:16.840 --> 0:18:18.760 before you flip it to a love or a positive 0:18:19.720 --> 0:18:20.560 side of the coin. 0:18:21.480 --> 0:18:23.080 How long can it take? 0:18:23.520 --> 0:18:26.240 Absolutely, it is a process, and I say it needs 0:18:26.240 --> 0:18:29.920 to be an everyday commitment, and everyday commitment to yourself 0:18:29.960 --> 0:18:34.080 and every day practice starting to really recognize and acknowledge 0:18:34.080 --> 0:18:37.159 this part of yourself that really believes in you, that 0:18:37.320 --> 0:18:40.240 knows that you are so deserving of love and that 0:18:40.320 --> 0:18:43.640 you are good enough. Starting to acknowledge every day what 0:18:43.680 --> 0:18:47.200 that part does for you. Kat was speaking about neural 0:18:47.240 --> 0:18:51.760 pathways and neural circuits. A lot of our inner critic 0:18:51.960 --> 0:18:55.680 is subconscious. It is that we will be triggered by 0:18:55.720 --> 0:18:59.600 something and then we have an automatic response. Those protective 0:18:59.640 --> 0:19:03.840 parts of us, like shame and guilt, they will come 0:19:03.880 --> 0:19:07.360 out without us even knowing. So it's an everyday practice 0:19:07.359 --> 0:19:10.760 of becoming more and more conscious of these parts. And 0:19:10.800 --> 0:19:13.200 this is where I think mindfulness can be really helpful. 0:19:13.800 --> 0:19:17.880 So practicing being with yourself moment to moment, without judgment 0:19:18.359 --> 0:19:20.720 of what comes up for you, So paying attention to 0:19:20.760 --> 0:19:23.880 how you feel in your body, paying attention to your physiology, 0:19:23.960 --> 0:19:27.520 is really important because how we feel in our body 0:19:27.560 --> 0:19:31.440 in terms of you were mentioning your daughter experiencing anxiety 0:19:31.480 --> 0:19:35.080 around events. When we have a lot of nervous energy 0:19:35.160 --> 0:19:39.160 or anxiety about something, we're perceiving that through the lens 0:19:39.200 --> 0:19:43.600 of threat. Okay, So when I'm anxious about something, my 0:19:43.680 --> 0:19:47.240 perception of it is that it's bad, it's dangerous. You know. 0:19:47.280 --> 0:19:50.960 I want to keep myself safe from potential embarrassment, humiliation, 0:19:51.640 --> 0:19:55.400 that type of thing. When I'm calm, when I'm present, 0:19:55.720 --> 0:19:58.000 I'm viewing the situation or the world through the lens 0:19:58.040 --> 0:20:02.760 of optimism, I feel much less overwhelmed and much more 0:20:02.800 --> 0:20:07.399 confident in my capacity to cope. Okay, So being mindful 0:20:07.440 --> 0:20:10.680 as an everyday practice, being present with yourself and attuned 0:20:10.720 --> 0:20:13.879 to yourself as an everyday practice is going to be 0:20:13.920 --> 0:20:17.359 really really helpful. And rather than getting you there faster 0:20:17.640 --> 0:20:20.320 in terms of self acceptance and self love and that 0:20:20.440 --> 0:20:24.000 type of thing, what that will do is broaden our 0:20:24.080 --> 0:20:27.879 capacity to cope with the process as we move through it. 0:20:28.760 --> 0:20:30.320 I love that, Yeah, I really love that. 0:20:30.400 --> 0:20:34.080 It's you know, I often say to people, would you 0:20:34.119 --> 0:20:35.200 say that to your. 0:20:35.080 --> 0:20:36.400 Friend or family member? That God? 0:20:36.440 --> 0:20:38.000 Now, like, so, why are you saying to yourself, you know, 0:20:38.080 --> 0:20:40.399 like I'm sure you've you've said that to your to 0:20:40.440 --> 0:20:43.360 your clients many times. It's like, why you would never 0:20:43.400 --> 0:20:45.600 say that to your sister or your daughter or your 0:20:45.880 --> 0:20:49.639 best friend, and yet you have no trouble whatsoever talking 0:20:49.760 --> 0:20:53.320 like that to yourself. And it's it's but sometimes I 0:20:53.320 --> 0:20:55.960 think they sort of suppress it or but you know, 0:20:55.960 --> 0:20:57.840 if it's written down in front of you, this is 0:20:57.840 --> 0:21:01.440 what you were saying to yourself today. That's not good 0:21:01.480 --> 0:21:03.560 language to be using to yourself on it, like you say, 0:21:03.560 --> 0:21:04.760 on a consistent basis. 0:21:05.440 --> 0:21:08.440 It's quite confronting when people do this, because you're right, 0:21:08.520 --> 0:21:11.239 they don't acknowledge that they speak to themselves like that. 0:21:11.280 --> 0:21:13.960 When we get clients to do this, they'll be quite 0:21:13.960 --> 0:21:17.520 confronted with how they do speak to themselves. Often get 0:21:17.560 --> 0:21:19.719 clients to write a letter to themselves and their body, 0:21:19.760 --> 0:21:23.280 and that's a really confronting experience because they talk to 0:21:23.320 --> 0:21:26.280 their body like they're angry at it, like it's done 0:21:26.280 --> 0:21:29.919 something wrong, and it's actually, you know, a task like 0:21:29.960 --> 0:21:33.159 that is really helpful and being like wow, you know, 0:21:33.400 --> 0:21:35.760 because we're not aware of our thoughts every day that 0:21:35.800 --> 0:21:38.800 we have, we have it's so unconscious how we live 0:21:38.800 --> 0:21:41.919 our life, so to actually bring it to awareness is 0:21:41.920 --> 0:21:45.359 really confronting. And that's a really great tools to write 0:21:45.400 --> 0:21:48.520 down how do you speak to yourself? Because when we 0:21:48.600 --> 0:21:50.800 have a thought, it creates a feeling, and that feeling 0:21:50.840 --> 0:21:54.600 creates behavior, and if we're not thinking about ourselves constructively, 0:21:55.480 --> 0:21:58.239 that the cycle continues. So yeah, I think writing it 0:21:58.280 --> 0:22:01.840 down five minutes a day, stacking it onto another habit 0:22:01.920 --> 0:22:05.160 like working out. You know, we prioritize our physical health 0:22:05.240 --> 0:22:06.920 so much. We go to the gym, we eat really well, 0:22:06.920 --> 0:22:09.119 but when it comes to our mental health, we just 0:22:09.160 --> 0:22:11.440 hope that it's all good all the time without putting 0:22:11.440 --> 0:22:13.359 in a lot of effort. We need to think of 0:22:13.359 --> 0:22:16.040 our mental health really holistically, like with our physical health, 0:22:16.119 --> 0:22:18.600 put the time into it. Five minutes a day is 0:22:18.840 --> 0:22:22.160