WEBVTT - Ashton Agar - Ordineroli Speaking 0:00:05.400 --> 0:00:10.000 Ordinarily speaking, I was doing some extraordinary things, but I 0:00:10.119 --> 0:00:12.240 felt incredibly ordinary. 0:00:21.000 --> 0:00:21.880 Takes time. 0:00:27.520 --> 0:00:31.080 Hello and welcome to this episode of ordinarily Speaking. I'm 0:00:31.200 --> 0:00:35.760 narrowly meadows. My guest this episode is cricketer Ashton Ager. 0:00:36.440 --> 0:00:39.400 Ashton is known for his big, broad smile, the kid 0:00:39.400 --> 0:00:42.919 that made ninety eight on debout batting at number eleven 0:00:43.080 --> 0:00:47.560 in the Ashes, he was only nineteen. Earlier this year, 0:00:47.680 --> 0:00:51.479 he was named Australia's Men's T twenty International Player of 0:00:51.560 --> 0:00:55.160 the Year. But behind the success, Ashton is a man 0:00:55.200 --> 0:00:58.440 who has dealt with mental health issues and what he 0:00:58.520 --> 0:01:02.600 describes as chronic This is the first time Ashton has 0:01:02.600 --> 0:01:06.440 spoken about the full extent of his struggles. As he speaks, 0:01:06.480 --> 0:01:10.000 he relives moments physically shadow batting on his couch or 0:01:10.040 --> 0:01:14.160 closing his eyes to recall his feelings more accurately. Ash 0:01:14.319 --> 0:01:17.200 is a deep thinker, and in this episode he reveals 0:01:17.480 --> 0:01:20.800 just how bad those thoughts got in his darkest days. 0:01:21.480 --> 0:01:24.880 If this episode is triggering for you, please ask for help. 0:01:25.280 --> 0:01:28.520 Lifeline and Beyond Blue are just a couple of places 0:01:28.560 --> 0:01:31.360 you can go As you listen to this chat, try 0:01:31.360 --> 0:01:34.839 to keep an open mind, because, as Ashton admits, himself. 0:01:35.160 --> 0:01:37.600 He's a little fearful of how it will be received. 0:01:38.200 --> 0:01:40.520 We caught up in his house in Perth. I hope 0:01:40.520 --> 0:01:50.880 you enjoy the chat well, Ash, Thanks so much for 0:01:51.080 --> 0:01:54.280 spending some time with me. I want to go back 0:01:54.440 --> 0:01:59.640 first to your incredible debout playing test cricket for Australia 0:01:59.680 --> 0:02:02.040 back in twenty thirteen, because it's one of those stories 0:02:02.080 --> 0:02:05.160 that's kind of gone down in folklore in Australian cricket. 0:02:06.040 --> 0:02:08.960 You weren't even supposed to be a part of that tour, 0:02:09.120 --> 0:02:11.000 I believe. Give me a bit of background about that. 0:02:11.360 --> 0:02:14.520 Yeah, it's a hell of a story. It's super wild 0:02:14.680 --> 0:02:17.960 ride for me. The background is I was picked on 0:02:18.000 --> 0:02:22.600 an Australia a tour. You know, after playing maybe five 0:02:22.800 --> 0:02:24.800 Shield games in the back half of my first season 0:02:24.840 --> 0:02:27.560 for WA in the twenty twelve thirteen season, went on 0:02:27.600 --> 0:02:30.760 that a tour. You know, played the tour, did reasonably well, 0:02:30.919 --> 0:02:34.320 and had played well for WA before that. All of 0:02:34.360 --> 0:02:37.240 a sudden, on the last night before I was about 0:02:37.280 --> 0:02:39.440 to leave, I remember being on the phone to Maddie 0:02:39.480 --> 0:02:41.200 and we were all excited because I was coming home 0:02:41.240 --> 0:02:44.560 and everything was looking really good. Get a call from 0:02:44.639 --> 0:02:48.160 John in Verity and I was like, why's Invers calling me? 0:02:48.320 --> 0:02:52.480 Like this is strange, and he goes mate. In his voice, 0:02:52.600 --> 0:02:54.799 I think anyone that knows Invers, he's got this wonderful 0:02:54.840 --> 0:02:57.200 speaking voice is very expressive, and it was a really 0:02:57.200 --> 0:03:01.399 cool phone call. Yeah, Ashton, you're staying And it kind 0:03:01.400 --> 0:03:03.280 of paus through a bit and I was like, what 0:03:03.280 --> 0:03:05.240 do you mean. We're keeping you on for the first 0:03:05.280 --> 0:03:08.160 couple of ASHES tests And I was like, oh my god, 0:03:08.840 --> 0:03:12.200 that's crazy, and he goes, well, there's no guarantees that 0:03:12.240 --> 0:03:14.079 you'll play or anything like that. It's probably a bit 0:03:14.120 --> 0:03:16.280 more for development and to have you around the group. 0:03:16.320 --> 0:03:18.320 But you're staying on. And there's a couple others in 0:03:18.360 --> 0:03:20.200 the same boat. I think one of them was Steve Smith. 0:03:20.360 --> 0:03:23.120 Actually not bad Company. 0:03:23.200 --> 0:03:27.080 Yeah, not bad company at all. So that was a 0:03:27.160 --> 0:03:30.640 massive surprise at the start. So you're nineteen, yeah, nineteen 0:03:30.880 --> 0:03:34.079 nineteen and just loving it like it was a really 0:03:34.160 --> 0:03:35.560 fun environment to be around. 0:03:36.200 --> 0:03:40.160 You've got a smile on your face, just yeah, it's 0:03:40.200 --> 0:03:41.160 an exciting time. 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:45.200 And then well, I guess it all seemed to happen 0:03:45.280 --> 0:03:49.920 from there. We go out one night, the whole team. 0:03:50.040 --> 0:03:52.720 We're in Wooster and we have a tour game coming 0:03:52.800 --> 0:03:54.720 up there in a couple of days. I should probably 0:03:54.720 --> 0:03:56.840 say a few more days. Maybe we shouldn't have been 0:03:56.920 --> 0:03:57.920 out so close to the game. 0:03:57.960 --> 0:04:01.920 But was eight years ago, Yeah, a long time ago. 0:04:01.960 --> 0:04:07.080 It's okay, But importantly it was everyone and we're out 0:04:07.080 --> 0:04:10.360 at one bar and Michael Clark came and sat down 0:04:10.440 --> 0:04:13.360 next to me. He goes, you ready to go, youngster, 0:04:14.200 --> 0:04:16.400 and I kind of said to him, yeah, like let's go. 0:04:16.480 --> 0:04:18.000 Let's go to the next place. I thought he meant 0:04:18.000 --> 0:04:20.880 like the next bar wherever we were going. It's like, yeah, sure, 0:04:21.400 --> 0:04:25.880 it's Michael Clark. I'll say yes, mate, and he goes, no, no, no, 0:04:26.200 --> 0:04:28.600 for next week. And I knew that next week for 0:04:28.760 --> 0:04:30.719 the end of the next week was the first Test, 0:04:31.279 --> 0:04:34.159 and that hit me like a ton of bricks. It 0:04:34.279 --> 0:04:37.200 felt like time had slowed down in that moment, when 0:04:37.200 --> 0:04:40.680 I'm sure it all happened very quickly and naturally as 0:04:40.680 --> 0:04:43.000 a nineteen year old, I just said, yep, yep, ready 0:04:43.040 --> 0:04:44.920 to go. And he said, basically, the only way you're 0:04:44.960 --> 0:04:46.599 not playing the first Test is if you have a 0:04:46.600 --> 0:04:49.120 horror game against Wistera and he goes he pretty much 0:04:49.240 --> 0:04:50.960 just said, yeah, you're too good for that to happen. 0:04:51.040 --> 0:04:52.840 So you know, we're backing you in. 0:04:53.080 --> 0:04:54.839 So you're saying, yeah, right to go. How are you 0:04:54.839 --> 0:04:55.960 feeling inside. 0:04:55.560 --> 0:04:59.120 Though, Yeah, my heart's racing. All of a sudden, you 0:04:59.200 --> 0:05:03.440 get those game nerves that you get before any any 0:05:03.520 --> 0:05:04.839 cricket game you play. 0:05:05.279 --> 0:05:07.080 Not helped by the amount you probably drank that. 0:05:07.080 --> 0:05:10.719 Not it was. It was pretty early on in the night, 0:05:10.800 --> 0:05:13.320 so that was a good thing. I think I was 0:05:13.360 --> 0:05:16.440 able to think pretty clearly about what was to come 0:05:16.480 --> 0:05:18.919 and it all became really real. I think that was 0:05:18.960 --> 0:05:23.279 the moment that being part of an Australian cricket team 0:05:23.360 --> 0:05:27.680 or a cricket setup became real and he actually felt that, yeah, 0:05:27.720 --> 0:05:30.159 this is this is going to happen. Really cool night, 0:05:30.320 --> 0:05:34.120 like so cool to have the captain of the Test team, 0:05:34.120 --> 0:05:37.719 Michael Clark, a guy who you know, I still look 0:05:37.800 --> 0:05:40.840 up to, you know, I remember watching his debut when 0:05:40.880 --> 0:05:42.640 I was in I think I was in primary school. 0:05:42.640 --> 0:05:44.440 I think I was in year six when he made 0:05:44.480 --> 0:05:47.040 one hundred and fifty. For him to come up and 0:05:47.480 --> 0:05:49.640 just support you and believe in you like that and 0:05:49.720 --> 0:05:51.039 kind of look after you in a way give you 0:05:51.040 --> 0:05:53.520 a lot of warning that this is what is probably 0:05:53.520 --> 0:05:57.880 going to happen like that's that's really impressive, especially in 0:05:57.920 --> 0:05:59.480 that sort of setting. So it made me feel really 0:05:59.520 --> 0:06:00.760 comfortable straight away. 0:06:01.279 --> 0:06:05.200 So you go on, you play batting at number eleven, 0:06:05.440 --> 0:06:08.680 You come out and you score that famous ninety eight 0:06:08.800 --> 0:06:11.320 on taboo batting at number eleven. 0:06:11.400 --> 0:06:15.480 Yeah, yeah, it's funny talking about it. 0:06:15.480 --> 0:06:18.200 It's still you shake your head as or you still 0:06:18.240 --> 0:06:20.640 don't quite believe that that actually happened yourself. 0:06:20.760 --> 0:06:25.320 Yeah, it happened, and exactly right. I didn't expect it 0:06:25.360 --> 0:06:27.560 to go like that. I didn't know what I expect. 0:06:27.600 --> 0:06:29.960 I think the beauty is. I didn't have any expectations 0:06:30.000 --> 0:06:32.360 going out there, walking out there. I was sitting in 0:06:32.440 --> 0:06:35.320 the rooms. Ashton Turner was there. He was with the 0:06:35.360 --> 0:06:38.039 group for the first couple of tests, and you know, 0:06:38.080 --> 0:06:39.920 he's one of my best friends, and we were sitting 0:06:40.320 --> 0:06:43.279 watching Grahame Swan Bowl. You know, he was our favorite 0:06:43.320 --> 0:06:45.479 off spinner at the time. We're both spin nuffies. So 0:06:46.320 --> 0:06:48.240 we're going, what do you reckon watch I do to 0:06:48.279 --> 0:06:51.000 this bowl of that ball? He goes, mate, I go 0:06:51.080 --> 0:06:53.400 and smack him like this is our aspects, very cut 0:06:53.440 --> 0:06:56.360 and dry. Just go for it, mate. Anyway, all of 0:06:56.360 --> 0:06:58.800 a sudden, it's my turn to bat, and he was 0:06:58.839 --> 0:07:00.880 pretty much just looked at me and said good luck, mate, 0:07:00.880 --> 0:07:02.120 and all the boys gave me a pat on the 0:07:02.160 --> 0:07:05.800 back and I walked out there. And walking out there, 0:07:05.800 --> 0:07:10.400 the crowd, the noise was incredible. It felt like a 0:07:10.440 --> 0:07:13.400 wave of noise going from side to side across the ground. 0:07:14.440 --> 0:07:17.000 The Barmie Army were going bananas. I think we were 0:07:17.080 --> 0:07:19.680 nine for one hundred and seventeen, so they're in a 0:07:19.680 --> 0:07:23.640 pretty commanding position. I was just really happy to hit 0:07:23.720 --> 0:07:26.960 my first ball, survive my first ball, nudge my first 0:07:26.960 --> 0:07:29.680 one into the covers I think for one off Graham Swan, 0:07:30.400 --> 0:07:31.720 and then all of a sudden I just got into 0:07:31.720 --> 0:07:34.920 my innings and it all just seemed to happen really naturally. 0:07:34.920 --> 0:07:38.160 From the ball just seemed to look bigger and bigger. 0:07:38.240 --> 0:07:40.640 I knew exactly where my family was sitting the whole time. 0:07:40.840 --> 0:07:43.000 You know, I was looking at them pretty much every 0:07:43.000 --> 0:07:45.520 single ball, after every ball, or before every ball that 0:07:45.560 --> 0:07:50.720 I faced. And it was a crazy day, but one 0:07:50.760 --> 0:07:51.560 I'll never forget. 0:07:51.720 --> 0:07:54.760 And they literally only just arrived in time for the 0:07:54.800 --> 0:07:58.400 Baggy Green presentation, didn't they They were pretty much running across 0:07:58.400 --> 0:07:59.880 the oval to get there in time. 0:08:00.280 --> 0:08:03.400 Because I told them on the main training session, so 0:08:03.520 --> 0:08:06.440 two days out from the game, but really like a 0:08:06.520 --> 0:08:08.160 day and a half because it was the evening time 0:08:08.160 --> 0:08:10.720 in England, you know, Buff and Rod Marsh walked up 0:08:10.720 --> 0:08:12.640 to me and they said you're in go and call 0:08:12.680 --> 0:08:15.920 your parents and that that was crazy. I went and 0:08:15.920 --> 0:08:18.200 called them straight away and that you know, they're all 0:08:18.240 --> 0:08:21.400 in tears, as families are when they're really proud of you. 0:08:21.520 --> 0:08:24.560 My brothers are screaming, you know, in excitement, so stoked. 0:08:25.600 --> 0:08:27.960 You know, Mum can't talk. Dad can hardly talk. And 0:08:27.960 --> 0:08:30.520 then we're like, shit, we need to book some flights 0:08:30.680 --> 0:08:33.679 real fast. And so they got on a plane within 0:08:33.720 --> 0:08:38.520 a matter of hours really to land in London, get 0:08:38.600 --> 0:08:41.560 straight in the taxi, go straight to knots from the airport. 0:08:41.720 --> 0:08:44.000 They're scrambling trying to open the suitcase. I think they 0:08:44.040 --> 0:08:46.400 couldn't open the lock on the suitcase. They thought the 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:49.840 pass code was nine nine nine, but apparently it was 0:08:49.880 --> 0:08:52.520 six six six. So this is what Will has told 0:08:52.520 --> 0:08:54.120 me a couple of days ago on the phone. I 0:08:54.160 --> 0:08:57.480 didn't know that detail. They run out on the ground 0:08:57.559 --> 0:09:01.480 and just make my bag of green presentation. Awesome. Yeah, 0:09:01.520 --> 0:09:04.319 one of the great moments seeing them running out on 0:09:04.360 --> 0:09:06.240 the ground, you know, while I'm at Trent Bridge and 0:09:06.360 --> 0:09:08.760 we're all in a circle waiting for them. Yeah, that 0:09:08.880 --> 0:09:09.360 was the best. 0:09:09.720 --> 0:09:10.920 So when did you know you were on? 0:09:13.320 --> 0:09:16.320 Yeah, there's one shot. I played a drive down the 0:09:16.320 --> 0:09:19.400 ground off James Anderson. I saw the ball really clearly. 0:09:19.440 --> 0:09:21.120 I can still see it now if I close my eyes, 0:09:21.160 --> 0:09:23.040 I can still see exactly how it looks. 0:09:23.080 --> 0:09:27.560 And I love how cricketers literally shuto back this podcasts 0:09:27.640 --> 0:09:29.760 like they play every shot. So are you still in 0:09:29.800 --> 0:09:30.200 the middle. 0:09:30.320 --> 0:09:33.640 Oh, it's a great. Yeah, it's a feeling. I think 0:09:33.960 --> 0:09:36.600 you take yourself back and you know exactly how it feels. 0:09:37.880 --> 0:09:39.520 I think I've watched it a lot of times as well, 0:09:39.559 --> 0:09:41.480 because I often go back to that when. 0:09:41.360 --> 0:09:43.160 I is that right, when you've got a bit of 0:09:43.200 --> 0:09:43.720 self down. 0:09:44.120 --> 0:09:45.720 Yeah, yeah, definitely, I love this. 0:09:46.240 --> 0:09:48.040 I've had a couple of cricketers tell me this that 0:09:48.080 --> 0:09:50.760 they go on to YouTube and basically watch their own 0:09:50.840 --> 0:09:53.000 highlights to get that feeling. 0:09:52.720 --> 0:09:54.680 Back all the time, all the time. 0:09:55.679 --> 0:09:57.199 How many times you reckn you watch. 0:09:58.080 --> 0:10:00.680 The ninety eight like I usually stop at a like 0:10:00.800 --> 0:10:02.880 well before the end, sort of parts. I'll watch a 0:10:02.920 --> 0:10:04.960 couple of shots, you know, but it's more just to 0:10:04.960 --> 0:10:07.200 see how I was setting up, Because looking back on that, 0:10:07.280 --> 0:10:09.160 I was like, gee, I was setting up really nicely 0:10:09.200 --> 0:10:12.040 at the crease. So I almost try and get back 0:10:12.080 --> 0:10:14.200 to that all the time. But I knew I was 0:10:14.200 --> 0:10:16.360 on when I hit that drive down the ground off 0:10:16.960 --> 0:10:19.680 James Anderson copped a mouthful from a few of the 0:10:19.679 --> 0:10:22.439 English players. You know, they're trying to make life pretty 0:10:22.480 --> 0:10:25.000 uncomfortable for me out there as a nineteen year old kid. 0:10:25.240 --> 0:10:26.800 But from that moment, I was like, I'm just going 0:10:26.840 --> 0:10:29.280 to watch the ball and play every ball on its merits, 0:10:29.280 --> 0:10:30.840 and if I see it there, I'm going to hit it. 0:10:31.040 --> 0:10:33.800 And lucky enough, I had a great anchor at the 0:10:33.880 --> 0:10:35.559 other end in Philip Hughes. 0:10:36.240 --> 0:10:39.640 That in itself makes this so much more special. I 0:10:39.640 --> 0:10:43.439 feel like, in hindsight, knowing what happens to have that 0:10:43.559 --> 0:10:46.080 moment with hughesy must be huge. 0:10:46.400 --> 0:10:52.239 Huge, so big. I'll never forget his face. It's impossible 0:10:52.280 --> 0:10:56.080 to forget, you know. I always do. When I'm trying 0:10:56.080 --> 0:10:57.880 to remember something, I always close my eyes. If I 0:10:57.920 --> 0:11:01.000 close my eyes, I can picture his face, like behind 0:11:01.200 --> 0:11:04.359 his grill, like I remember exactly how his helmet looked, 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:07.840 exactly how his shirt looked out there when we were 0:11:07.880 --> 0:11:10.200 standing in the middle of the pitch and he's coming 0:11:10.280 --> 0:11:13.440 up to me and he would say things like next ball. 0:11:13.920 --> 0:11:16.640 Every ball he said that, like next ball, next ball. 0:11:18.000 --> 0:11:21.600 He kept me so present and in that moment, and 0:11:21.640 --> 0:11:24.840 I think if I didn't have that there, who knows 0:11:24.880 --> 0:11:26.480 what might have happened. I probably would have got caught 0:11:26.559 --> 0:11:28.679 up in the excitement and tried to play even more 0:11:28.720 --> 0:11:30.800 shots and got out a lot earlier. But he just 0:11:30.920 --> 0:11:33.600 kept me in the moment. To have a guy of 0:11:33.840 --> 0:11:38.640 his caliber there, like his experience, his skill still very 0:11:38.679 --> 0:11:40.760 young at that stage, but he'd played a lot of 0:11:40.800 --> 0:11:43.120 cricket and made a lot of hundreds, so he knew 0:11:43.160 --> 0:11:45.760 what it took to perform at that level. And he 0:11:45.880 --> 0:11:49.480 was always saying It was quite funny because he had 0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:52.120 a close relationship with Justin Langer, and he'd come up 0:11:52.200 --> 0:11:54.000 and with a very serious face, he'd be like, think 0:11:54.040 --> 0:11:57.520 of Lang, Think of Lang. You know what would Lang do? 0:11:58.200 --> 0:12:01.199 And he caught him Lang, So how he's folk? Yeah, 0:12:01.240 --> 0:12:05.320 think a Lang, Think a Lang. And I remember laughing 0:12:05.360 --> 0:12:06.839 the first time he said that. I was like, yeah, 0:12:06.880 --> 0:12:09.360 good call, you know, good call. And because jayl was 0:12:09.360 --> 0:12:11.120 all about watching the pall as hard as you can 0:12:11.160 --> 0:12:13.840 and just focusing on that ball only and the next 0:12:13.840 --> 0:12:17.560 one and repeating that process. And that's exactly what I did. 0:12:17.760 --> 0:12:19.960 But to share such a special moment in my life 0:12:20.880 --> 0:12:25.120 with Phil, he's obviously not with us now. Yeah, I'm 0:12:25.160 --> 0:12:26.079 so grateful for that. 0:12:26.720 --> 0:12:28.040 Is it right? He was a bit of a hero 0:12:28.120 --> 0:12:29.880 of yours as well, even though he was still quite 0:12:29.920 --> 0:12:30.600 young himself. 0:12:31.000 --> 0:12:33.120 Yeah, he was a massive hero of mine. I have 0:12:33.160 --> 0:12:36.640 no shame in saying that I had a poster of 0:12:36.720 --> 0:12:39.680 him playing wild cut shot in New South Wales kid 0:12:39.920 --> 0:12:42.880 using his green cooker barra bat on my wall. Yeah, 0:12:42.920 --> 0:12:45.320 through high school probably, I reckon. I was up there 0:12:45.360 --> 0:12:47.839 for a couple of years and he must have been 0:12:47.880 --> 0:12:50.880 so young when that photos. Taking him on reflection now, 0:12:51.320 --> 0:12:54.319 he was so good at such a young age. And 0:12:54.360 --> 0:12:57.080 my brothers and I, my brother Will in particular, who 0:12:57.240 --> 0:12:59.720 batted a bit like him. He was his absolute hero. 0:13:00.080 --> 0:13:02.040 So we love the way he played and we loved 0:13:02.040 --> 0:13:04.160 the way he went about his cricket. And Will actually 0:13:04.200 --> 0:13:07.280 has one of Phil's bats. Piel gave me a bat 0:13:07.400 --> 0:13:09.680 during that a tour I remember giving it to Will, 0:13:09.840 --> 0:13:12.439 and Will treasures that. You know, he was very sad, 0:13:13.480 --> 0:13:16.040 as everyone was when Phil passed, but he treasures that 0:13:16.120 --> 0:13:17.960 bat there. It's probably his most prized possession. 0:13:18.440 --> 0:13:22.760 So you end up having that incredible innings and what 0:13:22.880 --> 0:13:27.280 a moment in a young man's life. And then the 0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:30.360 next test tell me a bit about that and what happened. 0:13:30.880 --> 0:13:34.720 Yeah, the next test was really interesting. I had ripped 0:13:34.760 --> 0:13:37.000 up my finger, my bowling finger a bit bowling with 0:13:37.040 --> 0:13:39.480 the Duke Sports that I never really bowled with before, 0:13:39.679 --> 0:13:42.080 so I was trying to find a way, a new 0:13:42.080 --> 0:13:44.560 way to hold the ball. I could feel that my 0:13:44.640 --> 0:13:48.040 action was off, and I was trying to work out 0:13:48.080 --> 0:13:50.079 what it was. I was desperately trying to work out 0:13:50.120 --> 0:13:52.600 what it was at training. As I said before, I'd 0:13:52.640 --> 0:13:55.960 played maybe seven or eight first class games up to 0:13:56.000 --> 0:13:58.840 this point, young in terms of a cricket age and 0:13:58.920 --> 0:14:01.800 the amount of experience I'd had, So I'm really fighting 0:14:01.840 --> 0:14:04.319 to save my bowling or get back to my best, 0:14:04.360 --> 0:14:06.640 not even knowing how I'd got there in the first place. 0:14:06.960 --> 0:14:09.160 I had no blueprint. I just picked up a ball 0:14:09.360 --> 0:14:11.120 and bowled, and I didn't know why it was good. 0:14:11.160 --> 0:14:13.040 I just knew that it was good at certain times. 0:14:13.760 --> 0:14:16.760 So that was a really uncomfortable feeling and it made 0:14:16.840 --> 0:14:19.400 me a little bit worried. What followed from that was 0:14:19.720 --> 0:14:25.240 a very average bowling performance, like from myself, and I 0:14:25.360 --> 0:14:28.960 was really flat about that because this was a Lord's Test. 0:14:29.200 --> 0:14:31.320 I'd met the Queen at the start of the Test, 0:14:31.760 --> 0:14:33.720 you know, everyone had spoken so much about what an 0:14:33.760 --> 0:14:37.440 amazing experience and amazing ground Lords is and I hated it. 0:14:38.160 --> 0:14:40.320 You know, I hated that Test match because I knew 0:14:40.360 --> 0:14:42.360 I was so much better than what I was putting out. 0:14:42.600 --> 0:14:45.560 It's just a horrible feeling when you're fighting in a 0:14:45.600 --> 0:14:48.840 Test match. You're trying to get something back. It's too 0:14:48.880 --> 0:14:53.560 far gone at that point. So we lost and I 0:14:53.720 --> 0:14:56.680 was dropped the next Test at Manchester, and I remember 0:14:56.720 --> 0:14:59.360 breathing the greatest sigh of relief because I was like, 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:01.800 all right, really need to do some work on my 0:15:01.840 --> 0:15:04.320 bowling here and actually learn a little bit about what 0:15:04.400 --> 0:15:05.840 makes me the cricketer that I am. 0:15:06.400 --> 0:15:09.080 Because that's the interesting thing, because the public just saw 0:15:09.120 --> 0:15:12.480 this amazing story, you know, ninety eight on daboot, but 0:15:12.520 --> 0:15:15.880 you're actually picked for your bowling, you know, and to 0:15:16.160 --> 0:15:18.680 not deliver in that space in that second Test must 0:15:18.680 --> 0:15:19.240 have been tough. 0:15:19.360 --> 0:15:22.000 Yeah, that was really tough because I bowled quite well 0:15:22.000 --> 0:15:25.040 in the second innings of the first Test. I got 0:15:25.080 --> 0:15:27.120 my first couple of wickets and that was better, Like 0:15:27.120 --> 0:15:29.560 getting my first wicket was better than getting that ninety eight. 0:15:29.680 --> 0:15:32.680 Like I promise you, I was so happy, total joy, 0:15:33.760 --> 0:15:36.720 screaming all the boys ruffling my hair that I had 0:15:36.760 --> 0:15:37.160 back then. 0:15:40.160 --> 0:15:42.320 You love that you just touched hair and went on 0:15:42.360 --> 0:15:43.000 and it's gone. 0:15:43.240 --> 0:15:47.840 Yeah, you know it was Alistair Cook Michael Clark, big 0:15:47.840 --> 0:15:50.040 one handed diving catch at first slip. You know that 0:15:50.200 --> 0:15:52.520 that was the best moment of that whole Test, really 0:15:52.800 --> 0:15:56.600 for myself. So yeah, I guess everyone saw all the 0:15:56.600 --> 0:15:59.480 the high of the ninety eight, a couple of wickets, 0:15:59.760 --> 0:16:03.760 and then for me what felt like probably the biggest 0:16:03.840 --> 0:16:06.240 low of my cricketing career, which was Lord's which was 0:16:06.280 --> 0:16:09.040 supposed to be this amazing experience that I just really 0:16:09.040 --> 0:16:12.280 didn't enjoy it all. Yeah, and then when I finally 0:16:12.320 --> 0:16:13.920 did get told, I was dropped. Like I said, I 0:16:14.000 --> 0:16:15.400 was relieved. 0:16:15.560 --> 0:16:17.680 So, like I say, you've got the high, this massive 0:16:17.760 --> 0:16:20.640 high social media is sort of coming about and everyone's 0:16:20.680 --> 0:16:23.800 going nuts on social media. This Ashton Ager kid with 0:16:23.880 --> 0:16:27.680 the massive smile, and then you get dropped. You come 0:16:27.720 --> 0:16:31.720 back to Australia and speaking to your brother and you're 0:16:31.760 --> 0:16:35.200 now fiance. Mad's heading into this podcast. They sort of 0:16:35.200 --> 0:16:38.240 say that that was a pretty bloody tough time for 0:16:38.280 --> 0:16:40.280 you to come down afterwards. 0:16:41.040 --> 0:16:43.680 Yeah, and I've tried to work out whether it was 0:16:44.200 --> 0:16:47.480 the come down from that or what it was, but 0:16:47.920 --> 0:16:50.280 I remember things just started to slip. That sort of 0:16:50.400 --> 0:16:53.400 felt like things just started to slip, and I didn't 0:16:53.480 --> 0:16:58.480 feel like myself. I just knew something wasn't right. And 0:16:58.560 --> 0:17:03.120 for the remainder of twenty thirteen and then especially twenty fourteen, 0:17:04.600 --> 0:17:09.280 that's when I started to experience a really strange time 0:17:09.600 --> 0:17:12.679 where I could feel that something was happening to me. 0:17:13.480 --> 0:17:15.359 I didn't know what it was, and I didn't know 0:17:15.400 --> 0:17:17.879 why I was feeling the way that I was. But 0:17:17.920 --> 0:17:20.880 it was like I was just watching it happen and 0:17:20.960 --> 0:17:23.840 letting it happen, and I felt like I had no 0:17:23.920 --> 0:17:28.320 control over that. So it was a bit scary. 0:17:28.400 --> 0:17:29.240 What were you feeling? 0:17:29.880 --> 0:17:32.800 Initially, I thought maybe I just need to go home, 0:17:33.040 --> 0:17:34.320 Maybe I just really missed my. 0:17:34.359 --> 0:17:35.720 Family back in Victoria. 0:17:35.840 --> 0:17:40.400 Yeah, I started worrying about everything. I started worrying about 0:17:40.480 --> 0:17:42.320 my God, I'm spending all of this time away from them. 0:17:42.320 --> 0:17:43.880 What if something happens to one of them and I've 0:17:43.880 --> 0:17:46.639 missed out on this. What if something happens to Mom 0:17:46.680 --> 0:17:48.680 and Dad? What if something happens to Will or Wears? 0:17:49.240 --> 0:17:51.200 And I was getting really anxious about that. I just 0:17:51.240 --> 0:17:54.040 always felt like I was running out of time. From 0:17:54.040 --> 0:18:00.800 then on, it probably developed into frustration, then in to 0:18:00.840 --> 0:18:07.480 flat out sadness, like deep sadness, And like I said, 0:18:07.560 --> 0:18:11.120 I didn't know why this was happening, And I think 0:18:11.240 --> 0:18:14.879 a lot of people probably think it was coming off 0:18:14.960 --> 0:18:18.400 such a high with ashes and everything like that and cricket, 0:18:18.880 --> 0:18:22.520 but really cricket was always felt like this absolute release 0:18:22.520 --> 0:18:24.159 and it was a time I could just play and 0:18:24.200 --> 0:18:26.720 totally be myself. So it wasn't It was never the cricket. 0:18:26.720 --> 0:18:29.560 But yeah, maybe that big emotional roller coast, so maybe 0:18:29.560 --> 0:18:32.720 that played apart, But there was certainly a transition, yeah, 0:18:32.760 --> 0:18:39.360 from that frustration to sadness to just isolating myself and 0:18:39.840 --> 0:18:43.200 starting the journey of trying to work out what's happening 0:18:43.280 --> 0:18:47.120 in my own head, not letting anyone else in on it, 0:18:48.200 --> 0:18:52.600 not wanting anyone to worry about me, particularly my family. 0:18:53.119 --> 0:18:55.800 So I really kept it all in and it just 0:18:55.840 --> 0:18:58.359 seemed to get a bit a bit worse. 0:18:58.880 --> 0:19:01.440 How did it manifest its self in your day to 0:19:01.560 --> 0:19:03.200 day life, be a cricket or at home? 0:19:04.040 --> 0:19:07.760 I was talking less and less. I was really irritable. 0:19:08.600 --> 0:19:12.520 I just was never there. I was never able to 0:19:12.560 --> 0:19:18.119 concentrate or really give myself to any situation. It's like 0:19:18.160 --> 0:19:21.119 my mind was always in this other place or it. 0:19:21.520 --> 0:19:23.280 Like I said, it felt like I was above myself 0:19:23.320 --> 0:19:26.840 looking down watching something happen to me, just watching yourself 0:19:26.880 --> 0:19:29.320 kind of just fade away, and it just kind of 0:19:29.320 --> 0:19:34.280 feels like your loving, fun, energetic soul just gets sucked 0:19:34.359 --> 0:19:39.119 right out of you. And you feel all of these things. 0:19:39.160 --> 0:19:42.280 So you feel all of these emotions of when you 0:19:42.359 --> 0:19:47.040 just want to cry, you don't want to talk, you 0:19:47.119 --> 0:19:49.040 don't want to go outside, you don't want to eat. 0:19:49.560 --> 0:19:51.119 You know, you feel all of these things, and then 0:19:51.160 --> 0:19:53.000 at the same time, you feel just so numb. So 0:19:53.040 --> 0:19:55.479 you feel everything and nothing at the same time. And 0:19:55.480 --> 0:19:58.600 that's one of the strangest feelings I remember feeling for 0:19:58.640 --> 0:20:03.919 the first time. So I knew there was something going on, 0:20:04.200 --> 0:20:08.240 but because I probably never told anyone about it. I 0:20:08.440 --> 0:20:13.160 let that affect my life and situations outside of when 0:20:13.200 --> 0:20:15.080 I was just with myself, you know, So I think 0:20:15.080 --> 0:20:18.800