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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, changing our self talk isn't instantly going to change

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Speaker 2: our world because it takes time for it to compound.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 3: Hello.

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Speaker 2: This is doctor Justin Colson, the author of six books

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Speaker 2: about raising happy families. And I'm sitting in front of

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Speaker 2: my wife and co host, my podcast partner, and one

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Speaker 2: of our six daughters, missus Happy Families, Kylie, who's got

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Speaker 2: a big grill on her face because she knows that

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Speaker 2: I'm about to highlight that. Can I say? I don't

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Speaker 2: know if this is too impolite. Kylie's been walking around

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Speaker 2: the house for the last forty eight hours, kind of

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Speaker 2: like she wet her pants, except she didn't. But because

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Speaker 2: Kylie has announced that the florists recourse has had to

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Speaker 2: wait for a little while, Kylie said, well, you know what,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to get back onto my other goals. I'm

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Speaker 2: going to make time for myself. I'm going to go

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Speaker 2: to the gym. And how I've been paying.

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Speaker 4: All of these things is to have a gym membership,

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Speaker 4: and I haven't been maximizing it.

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Speaker 2: So, how long has it been since you've been back

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Speaker 2: to the gym this week I've started, Yeah, how long

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Speaker 2: had it been until, oh, maybe four years? Yeah? And

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Speaker 2: you know what it's like. You shot for boot camp

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Speaker 2: on day one and you go gung ho and you're

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Speaker 2: so excited about it, and then you wake up on

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Speaker 2: day two, Kylie.

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Speaker 4: And let's say, going to the toill it might have

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Speaker 4: been a little bit harder than I remember.

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Speaker 2: So maybe you did with your pants.

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Speaker 4: No, but fighting the seat was a lot harder.

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Speaker 2: Kylie did legs on day one, and oh my goodness,

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Speaker 2: we've just we've had so much fun making fun of me. Yes,

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Speaker 2: getting able to walk up and down the stairs. Haven't

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Speaker 2: followed you to the bathroom. I didn't know that that

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Speaker 2: little bit of personal disclosure was going to come out,

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Speaker 2: but anyway, we got some. Really, we love it when

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Speaker 2: you contact us, is what I'm trying to say. Podcasts

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Speaker 2: at Happy Families dot com dot you. We also love

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Speaker 2: the reviews and ratings that you leave on the Apple

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Speaker 2: podcasts app. I'm going to talk more about that shortly,

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Speaker 2: but Taran send us an email. Taran's an adelaide and

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Speaker 2: asked a bit of a curly question.

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Speaker 4: Hi Taran, thanks for joining us.

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Speaker 2: Hello, so good of you to be with us. We've

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Speaker 2: had a few technical issues trying to just make this happen,

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Speaker 2: and you've you've had the most entertaining morning of your week.

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Speaker 2: I'm gussing, but we've got you now, Taran. Can you

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Speaker 2: tell us a bit about what you do in Adelaide

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Speaker 2: and why you reached out to us.

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Speaker 3: So, I'm a mental health clinician, I'm an occupational therapist too,

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Speaker 3: and also I'm of three little kids, and I suppose

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Speaker 3: there's a lot of stuff we read about, and there's

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Speaker 3: even a post on your Facebook page from our parenting

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Speaker 3: around the impact of critical talk to our children and

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Speaker 3: how that develops the inner voice. I guess I was

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Speaker 3: thinking a little bit beyond that around how I guess

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Speaker 3: negative talking and critical thinking about ourselves can then have

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Speaker 3: an impact on our children and whether or not that

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Speaker 3: too becomes more like they in a voice or a

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Speaker 3: way that they then thinking start thinking about themselves.

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Speaker 4: That was my question.

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Speaker 2: It's such a great question as well, because the things

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Speaker 2: that we say to them are obviously so direct, but

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Speaker 2: then what you're really saying is could there be an

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Speaker 2: indirect impact on our children and their voice based on

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Speaker 2: what we say about ourselves exactly.

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Speaker 3: Yep.

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Speaker 2: Let me ask you a question, Taran. If a mum

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Speaker 2: speaks negatively, and I'm going to use mum because obviously

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Speaker 2: I'm talking to you and ninety percent of our audience

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Speaker 2: is mums. If a mum speaks negatively to herself in

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Speaker 2: the mirror about her body and her five year old

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Speaker 2: daughter hears it, does her five year old daughter do

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Speaker 2: you think internalize anything in relation to the way she

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Speaker 2: might view her body.

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Speaker 3: Well, we've been told that that is the case. That absolutely,

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Speaker 3: the child then starts kind of having those criticisms or

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Speaker 3: thoughts around whether they could be fat or ugly or

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Speaker 3: out of shape. But does that also then apply to

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Speaker 3: the mum who might say, Oh, I'm stupid, I'm not

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Speaker 3: good enough, I'm not worth anything, I'm useless, I can't

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Speaker 3: do it is apply to that language as well.

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Speaker 2: So, Taran, what we call this is an intergenerational transfer

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Speaker 2: of mindset, cognitive mindset, when we pass things on from

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Speaker 2: one generation to the next, and it does happen. There's

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Speaker 2: no research studies that I would call robust and really

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Speaker 2: strong that have gone and looked at precisely how our

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Speaker 2: own inner voice transfers to our children. But there's plenty

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Speaker 2: of anecdotal research, and there's lots of sporadic bits and

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Speaker 2: pieces of research around the place. And what we're going

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Speaker 2: to do is come back in a second talk about

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Speaker 2: how we can filter our inner voice and make sure

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Speaker 2: that we give our children the support that they need

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Speaker 2: so they can develop the drength and the kindness and

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Speaker 2: self compassion that they need to tackle these big challenges

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Speaker 2: on their own. It's the Happy Families Podcast.

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Speaker 5: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having

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Speaker 5: to feel bad or in trouble. The Do's and donts

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Speaker 5: of Discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits

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Speaker 5: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happyfamilies

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Speaker 5: dot com dot au slash shop.

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Speaker 2: Are you looking to give your kids a fun and

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Speaker 2: safe way to explore a new level of independence while

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Speaker 2: still staying connected.

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Speaker 4: messaging to a parent controlled list of contacts and GPS

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Speaker 4: location updates so you can see when your kids are

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Speaker 4: on the move.

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Speaker 2: Water resistant and equipped with a heart rate monitor and

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Speaker 2: fitness tracker. The space Talk Adventurer is built tough to

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Speaker 2: withstand the daily activity of five to twelve year olds.

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Speaker 4: Space Talk does not give children access to social media

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Speaker 4: or apps, and has school mode for distraction free learning.

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Speaker 2: And our ten year old daughter loves hers. We love

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Speaker 2: that She's got it available in four at major retailers

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Speaker 2: and online at space talk watch dot com.

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Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants answers now. And before the break,

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Speaker 4: we were actually having a great conversation with Taran, who

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Speaker 4: sent an email into us at podcasts at happy Families

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Speaker 4: dot com dot AU.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, thank you, Taran. We really appreciate that.

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Speaker 4: She wanted to know about this whole idea of whether

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Speaker 4: or not our own inner self talk actually has significant

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Speaker 4: implications for our children's in her voice.

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Speaker 2: All right, So this is this is one of those

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Speaker 2: ones where I kind of I got a little bit

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Speaker 2: funny when we've got to talk about this, because in

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Speaker 2: the pop culture pop psychology world, there's all of this

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Speaker 2: talk that's out there that I think is not necessarily helpful.

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Speaker 2: Like I was listening to it. I can't believe'm admitting this.

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Speaker 2: I was listening to an OPRAH podcast. Oprah is actually

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Speaker 2: pretty awesome.

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Speaker 3: AWESO.

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Speaker 2: All right, I'm going to say I was listening to

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Speaker 2: an Oprah podcast maybe six or nine months ago now,

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Speaker 2: and jay Loo was on there. She just turned fifty,

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Speaker 2: and everyone's always going on about how beautiful she is

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Speaker 2: and what does she do for a skin? And she's

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Speaker 2: got this thing where she's like, stop talking about what

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Speaker 2: I do. And she said, I practice a daily affirmation

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Speaker 2: myself talk about my physical appearance is and I quote,

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Speaker 2: I've actually looked it up so I could get it

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Speaker 2: exactly right. She says, quote every day I say I

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Speaker 2: am youthful and timeless at every age. Close quote.

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Speaker 4: I think I need to try that I can look

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Speaker 4: half for the good. J Loo at fifty, I will

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Speaker 4: be happy.

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Speaker 2: I roll my eyes when I hear that. It is

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Speaker 2: kind of like it's kind of like you remember the

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Speaker 2: book that came out and they made a movie out

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Speaker 2: of it, The Secret. Do you remember that?

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Speaker 1: No?

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Speaker 4: I don't, but I have looked into it a little bit,

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Speaker 4: and you know, I'm assuming that it's this book based

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Speaker 4: on this idea of the law of attraction manifesting.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, if you think it you can have

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Speaker 2: it in your life, which I just I mean, I've

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Speaker 2: been thinking about winning the lotto for a long time

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Speaker 2: and it still hasn't happened. So I just don't buy

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Speaker 2: the whole manifesting thing.

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Speaker 3: You know.

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Speaker 2: Your mum's a bit like this, Yeah, she is. You

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Speaker 2: can create it just you know, drive into the car

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Speaker 2: space and have positive thoughts and a car space, you know,

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Speaker 2: like somebody will back out and you can get in

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Speaker 2: the crowded car park you can have the spot. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: that's totally her.

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Speaker 4: My favorite one from your mum is she buys a wart.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, my mom buys warts. So when we were kids,

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Speaker 2: she would say, well, you don't want that wart, how

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Speaker 2: a baud if I buy it off, you 'll buy

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Speaker 2: it off your for fifty cents or a dollar, And

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Speaker 2: so she'd give us the money. And here's the crazy

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Speaker 2: thing about it. Now, I don't know any research on this,

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Speaker 2: and I feel so bizarre saying, I can't believe you

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Speaker 2: dragged this out of me. My mum bought about twenty

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Speaker 2: eight warts off me. I had warts all over my

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Speaker 2: hands when I was well. It was gross and I

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Speaker 2: was very uncomfortable about it. But it's the reality of

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Speaker 2: life for a lot of people. I had about twenty

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Speaker 2: eight warts on my hands and I remember she gave

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Speaker 2: me two dollars eighty. I felt like I was so rich,

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Speaker 2: and she was like, well, now that I've bought those

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Speaker 2: warts for ten cents each, I own them, so you

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Speaker 2: need to surrender them. And I kid you not. Within

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Speaker 2: two weeks I had no warts on my hands and

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Speaker 2: I have never had a wart since.

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Speaker 4: That is crazy.

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Speaker 2: And you know what's even more, how do you explain that.

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Speaker 4: Is that we've actually done this with our children.

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Speaker 2: I can't believe that, yes, we have, and they don't

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Speaker 2: have any want We've bought the warts off our girls.

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Speaker 2: I think I've made a dollary.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I was about to say, interest time, it was

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Speaker 4: a lot more expensive for us.

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Speaker 2: But as a research scientist, as a person with a

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Speaker 2: PhD in psychology, I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of

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Speaker 2: manifesting and this idea that we can visualize and affirm

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Speaker 2: our way into an out of things. Now, that might

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Speaker 2: not sound like it's going anything to do with Taran

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Speaker 2: and her question, but it's worth spending some time on this,

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Speaker 2: this idea. Now, psychologists don't use the term manifesting or

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Speaker 2: affirmations or visualization. They're not really huge into that, although

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Speaker 2: there are some pretty cool studies on visualization now. But

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Speaker 2: what the researchers do look at is this how you.

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Speaker 4: Guys aren't like the be all of everything.

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Speaker 2: No, but we take things very seriously and manifesting is

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Speaker 2: not serious enough to study. But what is self talk

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Speaker 2: is serious enough to study. And I know you might

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Speaker 2: say it's the same thing. I'm not going to say

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Speaker 2: whether it is or it isn't. But you know, there's

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Speaker 2: the textbook stuff and then there's the real life stuff,

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Speaker 2: and we do have self talk. And self talk is

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Speaker 2: the voice that's inside your head that never ever ever stops.

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Speaker 2: And our voice inside our head reveals a lot about

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Speaker 2: what we believe about ourselves. And the thing is, we

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Speaker 2: actually believe what that voice says all the time. If

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Speaker 2: I say to you you're a wonderful person, there's a

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Speaker 2: little voice inside your head that reacts immediately to what

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Speaker 2: I've just said. Or if I say you're so honest

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Speaker 2: or you're so beautiful. As soon as I say those things,

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Speaker 2: there's a little voice inside your head that responds with

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Speaker 2: yeah I am, or no I'm not, or that's really

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Speaker 2: nice of you. But I've still got a way to go.

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Speaker 2: And some of our voices are wonderfully kind and compassionate,

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Speaker 2: and sometimes our self talk are inner voice is abusive.

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Speaker 2: There's no other way to say it. Sometimes, the things

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Speaker 2: that we say to ourselves, if we said them to

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Speaker 2: our child, you definitely call child protection.

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Speaker 4: And we talked about that on a podcast.

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Speaker 2: We have talked about that before, and sometimes I wonder

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Speaker 2: if we need to call child protection on ourselves, because

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Speaker 2: there isn't in a child inside each of us, and

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Speaker 2: we talk so badly to it. But I guess the

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Speaker 2: main point that I want to make here is that

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Speaker 2: our words create our worlds. The way we speak to ourselves. Literally,

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Speaker 2: it compounds over time. If every day I wake up

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Speaker 2: and I say, oh, that'd be right. This stuff always

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Speaker 2: happens to me. I'm hopeless, I'm lousy, I'm no good,

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Speaker 2: It's just another day I can't do it. That self

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Speaker 2: talk creates the world in which we live, and we

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Speaker 2: live in a world where we This is going to

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Speaker 2: sound a little bit dispassionate or a little bit lacking

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Speaker 2: in compassion, But if our self talk is that awful,

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Speaker 2: sometimes we actually make victims of ourselves. Changing our self

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Speaker 2: talk isn't instantly going to change our world because it

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Speaker 2: takes time for it to compound. But if this is

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Speaker 2: what we bring into our life to move back towards

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Speaker 2: Tarran's point, this is also what we bring into our

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Speaker 2: children's lives. They see the way we talk, they hear

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Speaker 2: the way we talk, and they watch the way our

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Speaker 2: lives go, and they think that's what life is. They

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Speaker 2: mirror us, they model us, they copy us. I feel

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Speaker 2: like we.

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Speaker 4: Could talk about this all day, but clearly we have

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Speaker 4: a lot of parents who are time poor and just

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Speaker 4: want answers. Doctor Justin Colson, so can you give me

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Speaker 4: three take home message home messages and for our.

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Speaker 2: Literally take these messages home. That's why we call it

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Speaker 2: the take home message, Take home message Number one. Your

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Speaker 2: self talk matters. Your words create your world.

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Speaker 4: So what do you do if your self talk is bad?

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Speaker 2: Change it bit by bit. You'll fail lots, but change it.

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Speaker 2: And when you catch yourself speaking about yourself lousy like

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Speaker 2: oh you're such an idiot. Oh yet this always happens

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Speaker 2: to you. When you hear yourself saying that, recognize and say,

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Speaker 2: have some compassion on yourself be kind to yourself and

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Speaker 2: say I need to stop saying that about myself. I

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Speaker 2: need to do better, and don't beat yourself up. Don't

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Speaker 2: pull the whip out and go snap snap, you know,

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Speaker 2: I just just accept that you blew it and change it.

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Speaker 2: Say that happened to me just then, but it's not

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Speaker 2: always going to happen to me. I can change this,

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Speaker 2: you know, like literally twist it around. So that's the

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Speaker 2: first thing. The second thing is we need to be

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Speaker 2: our greatest cheerleader. And I don't mean like in some

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Speaker 2: false kind of you know, I'm the greatest Muhammad Ali

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Speaker 2: had nothing on me kind of thing to see what

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Speaker 2: I did there. I'm a poet and I didn't even

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Speaker 2: realize I could rhyme like that. But we want to

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Speaker 2: be our greatest cheerleader in the point from the point

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Speaker 2: of view that we want to be saying, I believe

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Speaker 2: in me, I've got this, I can take care of this.

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Speaker 2: I might be struggling right now, but I know it'll

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Speaker 2: be okay in the end. That's much more positive self

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Speaker 2: talk than my life is ruined. And the third thing

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Speaker 2: to remember is the way we talk about ourselves. Our

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Speaker 2: kids see it, they watch it. They imitate it, they

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Speaker 2: become it. Whatever you are, you know I am, that

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Speaker 2: is what you'll be, but it's what you'll tea your

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Speaker 2: kids to be as well.

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Speaker 4: I really hope that this has been helpful today.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, if you've enjoyed the podcast, we would be so

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Speaker 2: grateful if you jump online and leave a rating and review.

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Speaker 2: You literally can do it in the Apple podcast app.

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Speaker 2: Just click on our podcast and click on the button

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Speaker 2: that says leave a rating and review. It's literally that simple.

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Speaker 2: We'll take you about sixty seconds. It's your ratings and

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Speaker 2: reviews that help other people to find out about the

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Speaker 2: podcast to make their family happier. Thank you very much

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Speaker 2: to Justin rule On from Bridge Media for producing the podcast,

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Speaker 2: and our executive producer is Craig Bruce. If you'd like

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Speaker 2: more information about how to make your family happier and

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Speaker 2: get month to month's support from me, all you have

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Speaker 2: to do is go to happy Families dot com dot

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Speaker 2: au