Speaker 1: Ashon. I want to show you some voice messages. I
Speaker 1: think we've had multiple from the same guy, Dylan Brown on.
Speaker 2: Ida, Dylan Browntown.
Speaker 1: Can I just I'm just gonna I'm just gonna fucking
Speaker 1: play this for you. Listen to that.
Speaker 2: What's he just farting?
Speaker 1: This is the last one?
Speaker 2: Is he just farting into his phone? That's great?
Speaker 1: And just he sent one of the twenty first of
Speaker 1: July one of the twenty second. He sent the last
Speaker 1: one yesterday commitment.
Speaker 2: I like it always.
Speaker 1: Around seven or eight o'clock at night, so I'm guessing
Speaker 1: after dinner.
Speaker 2: After dinner, he's just farting into his phone.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to two doting dads.
Speaker 2: I am Maddie Jay and I'm ash This is.
Speaker 1: A podcast that is all about parenting. It's the good,
Speaker 1: the bad, and the relatable. And we have to do
Speaker 1: for legal reasons. Just tell you right now that legal reasons.
Speaker 1: We've been advised for the lawyers to say that if
Speaker 1: there is any information which may seem like advice, it's
Speaker 1: definitely now if you do use any information in this
Speaker 1: podcast for your own personal situation, do so at your
Speaker 1: own risk.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, And before we get started, I do want to say, Matthew,
Speaker 2: I'm very disappointed in you. What is the time. The
Speaker 2: time is now twelve forty five. I have been with
Speaker 2: you for now, for nearly two hours today and you
Speaker 2: have not acknowledged that today, today, to day my friend. Well,
Speaker 2: actually you're not my friend anymore. It's my thirty third
Speaker 2: birthday and you've just completely Oh my god, I forgot
Speaker 2: I am and for two hours. I've saved this very moment.
Speaker 2: So this will be our last podcast.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2: How fucking dare you? You know me, I'm like a child.
Speaker 2: I need this. This is what you've done to me.
Speaker 1: I apologize.
Speaker 2: You did buy me breakfast, don't nah, there's only do
Speaker 2: I get to decide your punishment? Do I get to
Speaker 2: decide punishment? I want you to clean my car, the
Speaker 2: outside of my car in your budget smugglers today after
Speaker 2: this recording. I'm not fucking joking.
Speaker 1: I think I've got a bucket down in the storage
Speaker 1: area which park half out.
Speaker 2: Bring it up. I'll bring it right up front and center.
Speaker 2: That'll be my birthday present and your punishment.
Speaker 1: I did have every intention to buy your gift as well.
Speaker 1: I want your are okay, look I am fucking sorry,
Speaker 1: mad I'm sorry. We have been together for a couple
Speaker 1: of hours.
Speaker 2: Have you not checked your Instagram? I thought, there's no
Speaker 2: fucking way I'm going to be able to get onto
Speaker 2: this podcast today and go, guess what you've forgotten.
Speaker 1: I will get you a gift.
Speaker 2: No, I don't want to. All I want from you
Speaker 2: is to clean my car and your budget today.
Speaker 1: Not a problem, you lucky.
Speaker 2: It's a nice day. I've given you a beautiful not
Speaker 2: a bad little not a bad day for it.
Speaker 1: So okay, can I just say it needs a wash?
Speaker 2: It's pretty fucked I was liking that.
Speaker 1: In my defense, I've been very busy.
Speaker 2: I don't care.
Speaker 1: It's been a busy couple of days.
Speaker 2: There's nothing I've moved. I'm most important.
Speaker 1: Yeah you are. You are the most important person in
Speaker 1: my life right now, father, kids, and Laura. But I've
Speaker 1: just moved here. I'm moved out save almost on my own.
Speaker 2: I'd say, yeah, I know. Look I know because you've
Speaker 2: fucking winged winged about it for ages.
Speaker 1: And I also did say, if you watch our social videos,
Speaker 1: you will notice that the great little setup we had
Speaker 1: at the old place with the washing line behind me.
Speaker 2: No, longer.
Speaker 1: It's no longer there.
Speaker 2: You're gonna have to get it back.
Speaker 1: No, I fucking don't even know what that washing line
Speaker 1: is anymore.
Speaker 2: The washing line. You have an inbuilt one. Now you
Speaker 2: have an in built Yeah, it's not a hills hoist though.
Speaker 1: It's not. It's not it's it's not the same.
Speaker 2: You can't play gooner fortune on that one.
Speaker 1: But also that one's there's no shade on that one.
Speaker 1: If it's raining, its fucked.
Speaker 2: We wouldn't.
Speaker 1: Yeah, anyway, we have moved. We are no longer in Bronze.
Speaker 1: I've gone back to where it all began, Bondai Beach,
Speaker 1: back in the bubble. He digs North Bond isn't North
Speaker 1: bond We're up this way, sh But we decided ash
Speaker 1: yes to move. Plan is. People think I'm crazy when
Speaker 1: I say this, and it wasn't really. I actually think
Speaker 1: Laura was the one who instigated it. My mom. It's
Speaker 1: coming on seventy three, maybe seventy four.
Speaker 2: I should probably know it looks much better than that.
Speaker 2: But yeah, she's an avid listener, so that Ellie's gonna
Speaker 2: love that.
Speaker 1: We wanted to get a place where my mom could
Speaker 1: come down and spend more time with the kids.
Speaker 2: You're looking for an in house baby sit.
Speaker 1: That's essentially what we need right now. So we've moved,
Speaker 1: and I just everyone knows that moving house is fucking awful.
Speaker 2: It's up there with one of the worst things ever.
Speaker 2: No one has ever been enthusiastic. You could honestly be
Speaker 2: like buying a fifty million dollar mansion and be like, yeah,
Speaker 2: moving into this mad house, but then moving day you like,
Speaker 2: fuck this, let's just stay well.
Speaker 1: I reckon that people who are buying a fifty million
Speaker 1: dollar mansion aren't really lifting a finger.
Speaker 2: I think if I bought a fifty million dollar mansion,
Speaker 2: I would just leave wife and kids there and I
Speaker 2: would just be like, just moving house. I'm moving life now.
Speaker 1: I made the mistake. Though we've booked, we had the
Speaker 1: remove less coming to Wednesday. It just it was it
Speaker 1: made the most sense in terms of like when we
Speaker 1: have to give the keys back to our old rental
Speaker 1: to moving into this place. The Wednesday is when Laura
Speaker 1: does her podcast record, and I was like, that's fine,
Speaker 1: it'll be sweet you do that. I'll look after this.
Speaker 1: Got it dialed. Worst decision I ever made in my life.
Speaker 2: It's a two man jobs. It's fun, it's it is punishing.
Speaker 2: I've been in my place now for a year. But
Speaker 2: like I was saying, I moved from down the road.
Speaker 2: So all I did was just open the boot, launch
Speaker 2: things into the back, no boxes, yeah, and drove up
Speaker 2: the street.
Speaker 1: Didn't have a removeless company. You didn't have any help. No,
Speaker 1: what did you do with your bed?
Speaker 2: They're still there in your bed?
Speaker 1: You just left it the old no no, no, no no.
Speaker 2: We just put it on the roof. We did meet.
Speaker 2: I had a mate just help me. We literally it's
Speaker 2: like seven hundred meters ut the road because we hit
Speaker 2: a speed bump and dropped it and we had to
Speaker 2: go back for the mat TrEPS.
Speaker 1: You didn't tie it down, nah.
Speaker 2: It was just like we just did mattress on top
Speaker 2: of the roof and then me and a couple of
Speaker 2: boys holding on literally twenty k's an hour up the street.
Speaker 2: That's easy.
Speaker 1: Did anyone like walking on another car look at you
Speaker 1: and think what the fuck is going on?
Speaker 2: Nah? Because I live in a swamp. The people used
Speaker 2: to that's what it's not North Bond, I mate, where
Speaker 2: people would be like, oh, we can't be friends for them,
Speaker 2: I don't afford a tie down. Yeah, so like that
Speaker 2: was just like throw it all in the back of
Speaker 2: the boot or whatever, drive it all up, open the garage,
Speaker 2: launch it back in, and then.
Speaker 1: Just did you have kids at that point?
Speaker 2: This was like a year ago, mate, So yeah, what
Speaker 2: about the that's the arek kindy just got it done.
Speaker 1: Wow for your animal.
Speaker 2: Look, I'm like you, I'm a real man.
Speaker 1: I used to work in events ash and like loading
Speaker 1: up putting pallettes in the back of a truck. That's
Speaker 1: what I did.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Look, you know, blood doesn't show his hands.
Speaker 2: They're pen pushing here.
Speaker 1: Good to write emails. But I was on the back
Speaker 1: of the bed frame with the fucking boys. Yeah, loading
Speaker 1: up the truck.
Speaker 2: We're on the back of the bed frame with the boys.
Speaker 1: All right, boom boom, get in.
Speaker 2: All we did was boom, boom boom, just put it in.
Speaker 1: I don't know if they appreciated my help or not.
Speaker 2: Do you know what? There's probably this inside joke for
Speaker 2: removal lists that are like the homebone is that try
Speaker 2: homemooneer is out of here trying. It's kind of like
Speaker 2: when you have like a handyman in and there's always
Speaker 2: that like over the shoulder, over the shoulder, what are
Speaker 2: you doing now? There? They're probably just like fucking here
Speaker 2: the fucking they loved it. They'd be calling your uncle.
Speaker 2: I loved it his uncle.
Speaker 1: We stopped for lunch, had smoko. I was like, good day, boys, Hey.
Speaker 2: You guys got I've got to have roll and a
Speaker 2: shocking milk and a sticky when I.
Speaker 1: Talk like this normally, and then when I'm with the boys.
Speaker 2: You bug it on.
Speaker 1: I was like, I reckon, we try and lift the
Speaker 1: barber after this.
Speaker 2: And then your daughter walks in. You're like, daddy's here, Daddy,
Speaker 2: It's okay. You're hungry, You're hungry, sleepy.
Speaker 1: And then did the boys. I was like, here you
Speaker 1: go on, where's the job site tomorrow?
Speaker 2: Where's the next move?
Speaker 1: What? Fuck you?
Speaker 2: Every man does it if you're not a trade And
Speaker 2: then all of a sudden, you're around a trading for
Speaker 2: ten seconds, you turn into like someone else.
Speaker 1: Was Nick who was in charge of the removed Nicko.
Speaker 1: He was yet he was proper blue collar, great guy,
Speaker 1: great guy issue though, she'll be right. He connected the
Speaker 1: washing machine the pipes and you go pipe from the
Speaker 1: washer to the hose taph He screwed one side on
Speaker 1: and then he goes, it's too short. You're gonna need
Speaker 1: a bit of a longer one. He's got out of
Speaker 1: Bunnings you buy two meter hose and I was like, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't know what you mean.
Speaker 2: What do you mean like the you know, the bloody
Speaker 2: wooha down the blue, bloody white thing.
Speaker 1: So I've gone to Bunnings picked up the hose. Also
Speaker 1: felt pretty mainly being in Bunnings with a hose and hands.
Speaker 2: Just reminds me of just before you go on you probab.
Speaker 2: Wouldn't say it because I haven't watched Park in rec
Speaker 2: where Ron Swanson's walking through like the bunny and they're
Speaker 2: like you need helps her and he's like, I know
Speaker 2: more than you. I picture that.
Speaker 1: It was the opposite. I was like, help help me,
Speaker 1: I'm the last breckon nail. But I got out the pipe,
Speaker 1: came home, went to unscrew the pipe because it was
Speaker 1: connected to one end to the mains. Couldn't unscrew it.
Speaker 2: Oh, not manly enough, I had to message Nico're just
Speaker 2: like manly vocals around the boys, but as soon as
Speaker 2: it comes to untaking your tap, you're like fuck.
Speaker 1: I had to message Nico and be like, is there
Speaker 1: like a little secret to one doing this? And he's like, MA, Lefty, Lucy,
Speaker 1: you couldn't fucking do it either.
Speaker 2: I know, I know, So we have to get Laura
Speaker 2: in to do it. Aprilil come around, She'll do it.
Speaker 1: And the only thing that really sucked was we had
Speaker 1: an inflatable pool from Kmart that was sitting.
Speaker 2: And I remember it was the mosquito breathing around like it.
Speaker 1: Was full of dangy fever, thnky fever, thanky fever.
Speaker 2: You had your own swamp I live in at the
Speaker 2: back of your house.
Speaker 1: So we got rid of the inflatable pool and the
Speaker 1: tiles are like black, and I was like, I really
Speaker 1: want to get the bond back, Like screw it, I'm
Speaker 1: going to get the gurnie out. Started gurnying and I
Speaker 1: now know that I didn't have the right attachment, so
Speaker 1: like maybe like about as wide as your finger, that's
Speaker 1: how wide the pressure, So imagine it's like it's almost
Speaker 1: like a nickeo. I was doing these papers with this
Speaker 1: little attachment. I now know you can get like a proper.
Speaker 2: Yeah, big like round thing that just goes.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and I finished two hours in. I kind
Speaker 1: of stood back to admire my work.
Speaker 2: How are you four arms today?
Speaker 1: Okay? You know what I also did?
Speaker 2: You tried to have a wang and you couldn't. Oh
Speaker 2: it's too soret.
Speaker 1: The hose attachment because it was really old. It kept
Speaker 1: popping off catcher. So you're plugging the hose. So anyone
Speaker 1: who who hasn't gurnied before you get the garden hose
Speaker 1: plug it into the unit and it kept popping out.
Speaker 1: So I had to kind of hold in that. Going
Speaker 1: in with the other with this little head that was
Speaker 1: like five centimeters wide, doing a huge back patio took
Speaker 1: me hours.
Speaker 2: Know, you were actually offline for so long trying to
Speaker 2: get hold of you. I even had a nap, but
Speaker 2: I did all sorts of things trying to get nothing
Speaker 2: from you, and I was like, what the fuck is
Speaker 2: this guy doing?
Speaker 1: I finished, and I look back at the patio and
Speaker 1: it's like it looks like ship it still it looks
Speaker 1: so average, still black. And people were like, oh, you
Speaker 1: have to use an acid wash now, yeah, probably, I.
Speaker 2: Don't know, bring your fucking removals. Your best friend Nick
Speaker 2: help like, yeah, you need to mash oh yeah, in
Speaker 2: a bloody acid wash.
Speaker 1: That's right. I drink that on a front.
Speaker 2: That for smoke.
Speaker 1: Nick, if you're listening, thank you for your help. Anyway.
Speaker 2: Anyway, here's that payment. Was it just a quick shout
Speaker 2: out onto that I mean in fluent.
Speaker 1: Flu a content creator? Thank you very much. But mate,
Speaker 1: we're here in the new house.
Speaker 2: It starts, thank you. I'm looking for defects. Oh, we
Speaker 2: found the creaky floorboard. Where is there? Oh yeah, sounds
Speaker 2: like a fart. Sounds like brown Town, sounds like Dylan Brown.
Speaker 2: You sound like you've had a great week. I just
Speaker 2: want to give you a quick little insight to her.
Speaker 2: How my week has been. April very sick over the weekend.
Speaker 1: Yeah, sorry, how is she?
Speaker 2: She's okay, now she's well, she's actually not still not great.
Speaker 1: What was it? Do I know?
Speaker 2: I think it's just this influenza that's going around. I
Speaker 2: don't know. Again, not a doctor, not a doctor, just
Speaker 2: to guess. I was like.
Speaker 1: Finger in the bumpy that is chlamydia.
Speaker 2: Oh, yes, a little bit warm up there. And Macy's
Speaker 2: had conjunctivitors this week.
Speaker 1: We were on the phone together when you were like, oh, ship,
Speaker 1: Candy's calling me.
Speaker 2: The worst call. Someone actually dmd us as well, saying like,
Speaker 2: is it the worst when that happens? It's been over
Speaker 2: it a few times. I think it's kind of like one,
Speaker 2: you've got to stop what you're doing too, you've got
Speaker 2: to go pick him up, and three still got to
Speaker 2: pay for it.
Speaker 1: With that phone call when they say you've got to
Speaker 1: pick them up? Have you ever been like I can't
Speaker 1: just nah, leam out the front they're working out. I'm good,
Speaker 1: I'm good. I've always been in a situation where I'm
Speaker 1: like this around the corner or working from home. But
Speaker 1: what can you just can you just say?
Speaker 2: I don't know. I think they just call like the
Speaker 2: third person, so they'd call for me. They called April
Speaker 2: called me. Then they call pop Up because the pop
Speaker 2: Up picked him up all the time, and Papa would
Speaker 2: just say.
Speaker 1: Yep, Poppa, he is good. He has got April's dad. Yeah,
Speaker 1: shout out to Popper.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Anyways, everyone's sick. Everyone sick in your everyone's sick
Speaker 2: in my hand. Have you been seeing you?
Speaker 1: It takes a lot to knock down big Old Ashton.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I reckon. I had about ten hours sleeping,
Speaker 2: like the four days of last week everyone.
Speaker 1: Oh you're such a god, you're a here.
Speaker 2: Big nights out. I went to the Matilda's go.
Speaker 1: Wait. I thought, you're gonna say, because you've been looking
Speaker 1: after the kids and nah, you've been going out getting pissed.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I went to the Matilda's game. It was great.
Speaker 1: How was that?
Speaker 2: The atmosphere was amazing. One thing I didn't like about
Speaker 2: it though, is far too many puffa jackets. It was
Speaker 2: just a sea of puffer jack and you know what,
Speaker 2: seventy five thousand people. They could have fit double in
Speaker 2: that if people they said it was like wall to
Speaker 2: wall gortex, like George Costanza, like they're stuck in this seat.
Speaker 1: But it was all for a puffer jacket.
Speaker 2: That's like, I belong with my people sleeping bag. I
Speaker 2: can tell I was like a bunch of people walking
Speaker 2: around in their sleeping bag. It's ridiculous.
Speaker 1: Just that love like.
Speaker 2: Walking down makes me sick.
Speaker 1: What do you wear if you don't wear a puffer jacket?
Speaker 2: Absolutely anything?
Speaker 1: What is that?
Speaker 2: I'd wear a fucking burlap sack.
Speaker 1: Two things that you wear a potato sack that don't
Speaker 1: make any sense because they're very practical and being a
Speaker 1: dad is all about being practical. Crocs and puffa jackets.
Speaker 1: I hate them both, two things that you were fighting
Speaker 1: way too hard.
Speaker 2: Just won't do it.
Speaker 1: Go with the tide. Come and join us. Please, When
Speaker 1: you finally start wearing crocks and a puffer jacket, we
Speaker 1: will all be there standing outside your house being like, oh,
Speaker 1: no of us.
Speaker 2: I fucking hope that day.
Speaker 1: It's gonna happen. It's not a question of if, it's
Speaker 1: a question of when.
Speaker 2: It's not going to happen. I promise you that.
Speaker 1: And you were sitting right next to Hammich Blake the soccer.
Speaker 2: I wasn't far from him.
Speaker 1: Did you see him?
Speaker 2: No? I saw Jim Jeffries. You tell me with the
Speaker 2: alumni of comedy just in the comedic bar.
Speaker 1: What are you doing in there?
Speaker 2: I don't worry about it. Nah. It was actually just
Speaker 2: general admission. That was just jah really yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: So I went. I went with a female soccer team.
Speaker 2: Long story.
Speaker 1: We can we just say for a second, I get around.
Speaker 1: Not many people know this about you, Ash you were
Speaker 1: previously I would say, a semi professional. That's that's not
Speaker 1: even I'm not even trying to be funny here.
Speaker 2: I was not.
Speaker 1: I wasn't who'd you play for? What was it? Tweed River?
Speaker 2: Tweed River?
Speaker 1: Crabs? What was it? Who were they?
Speaker 2: The cuts and crabs?
Speaker 1: What was your team called?
Speaker 2: It was for far North Coast, New South Wales? That
Speaker 2: was what was you? Like?
Speaker 1: What was your animal?
Speaker 2: I don't remember, I remember anyway, Can I get back
Speaker 2: to my story or do you want to go on
Speaker 2: about it? Anyway? So Macy's been off sick now the
Speaker 2: other day it's been quite nice, warm weather. There was
Speaker 2: a couple of rainy days there. But on Macy's change
Speaker 2: table there's a couple of drawers underneath, great perfect nappies
Speaker 2: in there, everything you need. So Macy did really big ship.
Speaker 2: I'm talking a fucking room clearer. Someone will walk into
Speaker 2: that and go, whoa, that is strong, That is pludget. Yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 2: it was thick. Anyway, She's done this big poo and
Speaker 2: I've wrapped it up. Okay, I haven't bagged it yet,
Speaker 2: wrapped it up and I've just put it in like
Speaker 2: the drawer was open. I'm just I'm just popping it down, okay,
Speaker 2: just for a sec. Well, I got a new one
Speaker 2: out in the drawer. Yeah, just in the drawer there
Speaker 2: like that got a new nappy right next to where
Speaker 2: I did it, wrapped her up with a new nappy,
Speaker 2: got a dressed, and I've just got up, closed the
Speaker 2: drawer and left.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I've forgotten.
Speaker 2: I've forgotten what happened there anyway, because you focused on
Speaker 2: the kid. Yep, yep. So this is her room in
Speaker 2: during the day, faces the sun. So we're out all day,
Speaker 2: all day, like the sun is just beaming. Thankfully it's winter.
Speaker 2: Imagine it was summer beaming down on this drawer.
Speaker 1: Like a mini kiln.
Speaker 2: Like it was just like like the death ray. And anyway,
Speaker 2: so I'm out cooking, I'm out. April has been in
Speaker 2: bed all day.
Speaker 1: April's at home sick.
Speaker 2: Sick, but she's in the other room she's been in.
Speaker 2: She's I've never seen that bedridden. So we eventually we
Speaker 2: come home, have bath or whatever for bedtime, and I
Speaker 2: take her into a room to get dressed, the change table,
Speaker 2: and I opened that drawer. It was already a room clearer.
Speaker 2: Open the drawer and it just about punched me in
Speaker 2: the face. I've left a nappy baking in the sun
Speaker 2: for eight hours.
Speaker 1: And I was like, I was like four my eyes,
Speaker 1: your clothing just disintegrates.
Speaker 2: I was just like, everyone needs a bath again, Oh
Speaker 2: my god. And it was just like pain has been
Speaker 2: ripped in bed and she just hears me going, oh,
Speaker 2: She's like what, and I told her what I did.
Speaker 2: It was honestly the most putrid thing I had.
Speaker 1: The neighbors must have thought someone had, you know, fallen
Speaker 1: like got nil ill and been there for like ten bar.
Speaker 2: It was like like when you you know, when you're
Speaker 2: like walking down like a bush trail or something, you
Speaker 2: smell a dead animal. Yes, that's what it was like.
Speaker 2: But I didn't come out until it's like they've made
Speaker 2: the drawers to vacuum seal. The freshness in the house
Speaker 2: still sinks. It's just baked its way into the top drawer.
Speaker 2: You know when you have those things that you just
Speaker 2: cannot clean to get the smell. That's what the top
Speaker 2: draw smells like.
Speaker 1: Now you just is every window open in the.
Speaker 2: House, everything's open, the ceiling off to air the fucking
Speaker 2: room out. Anyway. I feel so amazy because she had
Speaker 2: to sleep in it.
Speaker 1: Poor little girl. Husky daddy, please you've done this yourself.
Speaker 2: Get in there, so Matthew. Last week I told a
Speaker 2: story about a friend of mine who had a really
Speaker 2: really bad gift from his dad, so his daughter's grandfather.
Speaker 2: It was a jacket, turned out to be a dog's jacket.
Speaker 2: I told him that I told this story. Had hec
Speaker 2: and I was like, he said, I heard it. You
Speaker 2: told it much better if I tell it. It's just sad.
Speaker 2: So anyway, we received a few dms, but.
Speaker 1: I put the call out there for anyone.
Speaker 2: Well, even before I put the call out there, it
Speaker 2: sounds a good one from taking. So her father in
Speaker 2: law gave her son twenty dollars for his birthday. He
Speaker 2: later took the money home with him because the son
Speaker 2: kept leaving it on.
Speaker 1: The floor, just like twenty on its own. Must have
Speaker 1: been a twenty little lobster.
Speaker 2: Must have been a little lobster.
Speaker 1: Yeah, hey, it could be worse. You could be giving
Speaker 1: nothing to your good mate on his birthday.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, but you're going to clean my cast.
Speaker 1: Did you time this segment specifically on your birthday knowing
Speaker 1: that I would forget your birthday present?
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, and it's clinical like that. This is all
Speaker 2: just I've been working on this for months.
Speaker 1: It's to make me feel even more shit, not exhausted
Speaker 1: from the house move. Is that why you put this together?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Absolutely. Anyway, we'll come back to that. I've got
Speaker 2: further punishments for you. So here's another one from Just
Speaker 2: Get This renamed Nicki Webster.
Speaker 1: No, it's not the Nicky webinar.
Speaker 2: I can't be.
Speaker 1: It could be with a photo.
Speaker 2: There's no photo screenshot it. Anyway, Nicky says, my uncle
Speaker 2: would save his Happy Meals toys and give it to
Speaker 2: us for our birthdays. I think that's I like it.
Speaker 1: That's I mean, pretty stingy.
Speaker 2: I'm all for the stinge.
Speaker 1: But kids love that shit.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, look there's ship presents bo aren't they. This
Speaker 2: one is my life. H My kids are one year
Speaker 2: old and he got a rebound soccer net. He can't
Speaker 2: even walk.
Speaker 1: For a second.
Speaker 2: I was like, that's a good and there's a lot
Speaker 2: of really stupid grandparents.
Speaker 1: That's going to be a real gift.
Speaker 2: No one's going on surely, or they're probably thinking, like
Speaker 2: by the time of his second birthday, might be walking,
Speaker 2: might be a rebound. Is like, that's like, that's like training.
Speaker 2: You've got to be.
Speaker 1: Yeah, as I said professional, you later grew up.
Speaker 2: To be Ronaldo.
Speaker 1: You got to start a mountain.
Speaker 2: You do. Yeah, it's like Don Bradman with the ping pong.
Speaker 1: Or the golf whatever he cares look.
Speaker 2: Keep sending your presence, you know, like that. I like
Speaker 2: to see that. There's another one there. I was going
Speaker 2: to read, which was someone gift to their grandson a
Speaker 2: nature sensory kit which had like, what's that? Exactly what's that?
Speaker 2: It was just a tin with sticks, pine cones and leaves.
Speaker 1: I was thinking, Oh, that's a great gift. Marley might
Speaker 1: like that.
Speaker 2: Well, again, you can just go out the back there,
Speaker 2: just pick a few of those plants, gilo tin straight
Speaker 2: in there, a couple of pine cones. That'll show them.
Speaker 1: Hey, before we go into your favorite segment. When we
Speaker 1: did the last episode in between, i've been to the snow.
Speaker 1: I do recall y Ash and sorry because I know
Speaker 1: we're also at some point we did speak about going
Speaker 1: to the snow together.
Speaker 2: Well, once you found out that I've never stoneboard, you
Speaker 2: could crop me like a fucking meat pie.
Speaker 1: You can appreciate that, No, I can't. Okay, Well, people
Speaker 1: who have been to the snow, if they have a
Speaker 1: friend who's never been to the snow.
Speaker 2: It's not that I haven't been to the snow. It's
Speaker 2: not like I'm going to be like, what's this white
Speaker 2: cold stuff? It sounded like Mickey out, Oh my god, you've.
Speaker 1: Never been when you've had some, when you've had some
Speaker 1: snow experience under your belt, I will then take you
Speaker 1: to the snow.
Speaker 2: I'm not going. This is why, because you snow. People
Speaker 2: think it's a fucking privilege.
Speaker 1: Like we're a different race. How do you segregate us
Speaker 1: like that in BONDI going to the snow with a
Speaker 1: puffer jacket.
Speaker 2: Why don't you be fucking original for once. I'm just hurt.
Speaker 1: If you want your car wash, you're going the wrong
Speaker 1: way about it.
Speaker 2: You washed it. Make it so we went to the snow.
Speaker 2: Either that or I get Marley to get when she
Speaker 2: gets home, she's going to get out there and wash it.
Speaker 1: She's got cars. You know that. The debate was before
Speaker 1: we went, obviously understood that you were not coming. That
Speaker 1: was identified. But then I was thinking do I bring
Speaker 1: my kids with me? Like? Do I bring Marley's four?
Speaker 1: That means she's just old enough for the youngest you
Speaker 1: have to be is four years old to.
Speaker 2: Be part of it.
Speaker 1: Take wine. But then I was like, what the fuck,
Speaker 1: what do I do with Lola? Do I? I couldn't
Speaker 1: find a babysit.
Speaker 2: Do we do a buster just tied to a pole
Speaker 2: and leave her a bowl foot.
Speaker 1: You can get babysitters down there. But then I was like,
Speaker 1: Lola's going to flip out if we're all getting ready
Speaker 1: and we're heading out the door and she's got to
Speaker 1: stay in the.
Speaker 2: Year because she's old enough to know now.
Speaker 1: That she's missing out. And then like it's it actually
Speaker 1: was a lot warm. It's fucking warm down there at
Speaker 1: the moment. It was like ten degrees where we were
Speaker 1: so like she could have played outside, but we thought
Speaker 1: we don't want to be crammed in all day by yourself.
Speaker 1: Got to the snow, saw the snow, and I was
Speaker 1: just thinking to myself, Oh, the kids were loved it here,
Speaker 1: like it would have been such a great experience. And
Speaker 1: then I saw this mom and her daughter. Her daughter
Speaker 1: was like decked out in that cute little ski jacket. Yeah,
Speaker 1: my kids, And she was like, thanks mommy for such
Speaker 1: a fun day.
Speaker 2: I love you so much. You're such a good parent.
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh my god, my heart had
Speaker 1: the gilts and I was like I was kicking myself.
Speaker 1: I was like, I should have just brought Marley. It
Speaker 1: would have been such an amazing experience. And then I
Speaker 1: saw something that made me change my mind.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, and it was a dad said.
Speaker 1: He was standing there carrying his skis like arms out
Speaker 1: like carrying sticks, defeated his skis, his poles, his kids,
Speaker 1: two of them, all of their skis, and he's.
Speaker 2: Going, Johnathan, get out of that right now.
Speaker 1: Kid must have been five or six on his back,
Speaker 1: just like laying in the muddy, melted water, big puddles
Speaker 1: of it. And he's like, dog, not see that, I'm
Speaker 1: corrying all the skis. No, see this dad fucking losing
Speaker 1: it at his kids. Both kids had no interest in
Speaker 1: being at the snow.
Speaker 2: And you just spent all this money for him to
Speaker 2: And I.
Speaker 1: Just thought, do you know what, maybe it's the right
Speaker 1: thing that I'm definitely I'm not here with the kids totally.
Speaker 1: My other favorite thing that I saw at the snow
Speaker 1: ash A lot of people go to the snow and
Speaker 1: do a little bit of skiing snowboarding, but really they're
Speaker 1: there to get pissed and party.
Speaker 2: That's why I'd go.
Speaker 1: That's yeah, I feel like you're that target audience, someone
Speaker 1: who would like to.
Speaker 2: You could have just left me there. You could do
Speaker 2: what you need to do with.
Speaker 1: This you do out there, there's a lot of bars.
Speaker 1: Secret at pray skiing they call it ash for those
Speaker 1: who aren't familiar with the terms. That's when you drink
Speaker 1: after you have been on the mountain.
Speaker 2: Isn't that just called drinking?
Speaker 1: A pray a pray? Isn't it just a prayer after
Speaker 1: no at praise?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: After ski a pray a pray skiing Wayne pray ski.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to fucking teach you, mate, Do you want
Speaker 1: to learn? Do you want to come or not? People
Speaker 1: are talking in ski terms.
Speaker 2: And you're like, what is everyone talking about?
Speaker 1: And then and then when you hear apri ski. Thank
Speaker 1: god Matt taught me what people are talking about. As
Speaker 1: I stand here on my crocs and puffer jacket.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna get some croc skis.
Speaker 1: One morning on the Saturday, we got it pretty early
Speaker 1: to go, trying to get first lifts up and at
Speaker 1: the bottom there was a toilet there in the urinal.
Speaker 1: The guy standing there, who had clearly had a fucking
Speaker 1: big night nice, He's stunk of booze anyway. So he's
Speaker 1: like he's standing to one side. I'm standing about a
Speaker 1: meter or two away from him. I'm pissing, and he's
Speaker 1: doing the piss where he like did the head back.
Speaker 2: Like, oh, that's the best piss.
Speaker 1: Except his ski glove had fallen in the trough. Yes,
Speaker 1: that's great, and he's just pissing on his glove, and I.
Speaker 2: Was just like defeated. Man.
Speaker 1: I was like, excuse me, and he's like and I'm like, hey,
Speaker 1: your glove and he's like, oh my god, imagine being
Speaker 1: that hungover.
Speaker 2: That sounds like a really good time.
Speaker 1: And then, just quickly before we move on to your segment,
Speaker 1: I was driving back ash and I was very excited
Speaker 1: to see my girls three nights away. I was like,
Speaker 1: I can't wait. I'm gonna I made sure I got home.
Speaker 2: Got to be the best at ever, read.
Speaker 1: Them stories, and I thought, I'm going to get home
Speaker 1: at like six o'clock so I can do dinner at
Speaker 1: bath with them, put them to bed, and lasted about
Speaker 1: I'm going to say seven minutes before I was like,
Speaker 1: probably should have taken a longer break on the road
Speaker 1: and come home when they're asleep.
Speaker 2: One more free night. Gotta get that free night.
Speaker 1: Doesn't last long, does it? No, it doesn't last long.
Speaker 1: I was like, who wants a story? Fuck off?
Speaker 2: Dad, you abandoned us for the snow. Ash told us
Speaker 2: all about it.
Speaker 1: Because anyone would to put their pe amazon. No, you're
Speaker 1: a shit parent.
Speaker 2: I was like, we heard about the Milo kids, so
Speaker 2: we're having such a good time.
Speaker 1: You're a ship dad. Your brain really tricks you into
Speaker 1: thinking that you're going to enjoy it a lot more
Speaker 1: than what it's actually.
Speaker 2: It was how quickly you forget? Who story was so boring?
Speaker 1: Was it a real yawn? Yeah?
Speaker 2: That was. You're gonna lie down if you want, mate,
Speaker 2: I'm going to you quickly forget. It's hard, damn Yeah,
Speaker 2: like just pecking away, yeah, pecking away. And then you
Speaker 2: go away and they're not pecking away for three days
Speaker 2: and you're like, I could go back and just kill it,
Speaker 2: and then they bring you crashing back down to earth
Speaker 2: within minutes.
Speaker 1: It's kind of like. It's kind of like spicy food,
Speaker 1: you know, when you haven't had spicy food for a
Speaker 1: while and you think, I'm gonna have something spicy. I'll
Speaker 1: get the curry, and then you have one mouthful, and
Speaker 1: you're like that is hot and awful and not good
Speaker 1: and I'm not enjoying this at all.
Speaker 2: And then the next day your ring hoole's just stinging.
Speaker 2: Tell me lies, Tell me Lie, Matthew. Our favorite segment, lies,
Speaker 2: and our lovely listeners submit lies.
Speaker 1: Would you like to go first?
Speaker 2: I think so?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Is that okay with you?
Speaker 1: Well, we may as well get you done in Dusty
Speaker 1: because you're about to fall asleep. You keep your wanting
Speaker 1: so much.
Speaker 2: Maybe you should just perk up your stories a little
Speaker 2: bit more. Make it through the episode. I'm just hurting
Speaker 2: you eat it. When we fight, we're not fighting. We're
Speaker 2: not I'll go first, just because I'm doing the talking
Speaker 2: right now, Lies Matthew. Every week our Lovely listeners send
Speaker 2: us lies.
Speaker 1: They are great listeners.
Speaker 2: It's either their d ms or we get you know,
Speaker 2: old mate farting into his phone.
Speaker 1: Also, Dylan Brown, what's up? You've been very good at
Speaker 1: replying to people.
Speaker 2: I know, very good because I'm not drinking as much
Speaker 2: at the moment. Got They have one of those robot vacuums,
Speaker 2: much like what you have over here that other rich
Speaker 2: people have.
Speaker 1: I keep next to the puffa Jackets.
Speaker 2: Puffa Jackets and the Crocs. So they've got a robot vacuum,
Speaker 2: and they warned their kids the robot vacuum comes around
Speaker 2: at night and picks up all the toys on the
Speaker 2: floor that you've left out. Yes, clever, and I am
Speaker 2: going to buy the cheapest robot vacuum from wherever and
Speaker 2: use the same Yeah, I reckon, that's an absolute fucking winner.
Speaker 2: The worst. So he got he got the tracks out,
Speaker 2: like the hot worst track. I think I've told you
Speaker 2: this story. You got the hot worst tracks out. And
Speaker 2: I were meant to be going to a birthday party.
Speaker 2: I said, you can't go to the party until you've
Speaker 2: cleaned all this up. And then I went upstairs to
Speaker 2: get dressed, and I kept like checking on him, and
Speaker 2: he was just kicking his heels and he was like,
Speaker 2: this is boring. I'm bored, but I want to party.
Speaker 2: Pick them up, like, pick them up, go to the party.
Speaker 2: He was like, but I just want to party. I
Speaker 2: was like, mate, me too, trust me. But sometimes you've
Speaker 2: got to get through the week before you can party.
Speaker 1: That's not fun. Today you were drunk on Tuthay.
Speaker 2: Get through half the day, okay, then you can party.
Speaker 2: So now I'm just gonna get even the robot vacuum
Speaker 2: doesn't work, And if someone wants to donate a robot
Speaker 2: vacuum to me, that'd be great because that would really
Speaker 2: help me out because Oscar lazy shit, Matthew, what have you?
Speaker 1: Okay? Well, this one has come from a lovely listener Ash,
Speaker 1: who actually is someone that I've had sex with, and
Speaker 1: I don't often have sex with the listeners.
Speaker 2: I didn't know my mum was writing it. No, this
Speaker 2: one is I don't know if I have sex with
Speaker 2: the listeners from me either.
Speaker 1: Lovely I say, our lovely wife, my lovely wife out.
Speaker 1: But what's mine is yours? Yes?
Speaker 2: This is all, isn't it?
Speaker 1: This is a recording submission.
Speaker 2: I have a new but totally acceptable lie that we
Speaker 2: can tell our children and has worked for like four
Speaker 2: days straight now. So I told Lola four days ago
Speaker 2: because she hates giving her teeth brushed. I told her
Speaker 2: that there's sugar bugs in her teeth and we have
Speaker 2: to brush the sugar bugs out. But then I doubled
Speaker 2: down on it because today I showed her she had
Speaker 2: chocolate in her teeth, and I showed her the chocolate
Speaker 2: and I was.
Speaker 1: Like, look, it's the sugar bugs. She was like, God, crush,
Speaker 1: that's a parenting win, a.
Speaker 2: Little hip thrust. That's really I always say that, like
Speaker 2: this segment really brings out the creativity of parents, and
Speaker 2: I don't think it can be underestimated how creative people are,
Speaker 2: because look, Laura has just come up with that sugar bugs.
Speaker 2: Sugar bugs is gray. It's like you'll, legitimately you go
Speaker 2: to the depths of your creative mind to come up
Speaker 2: with something to get a small child to do what
Speaker 2: it is that they have to do.
Speaker 1: It's amazing how effective it is because I would have
Speaker 1: to like pin her down to brush her teeth, and
Speaker 1: she would be wriggling and squirming and screaming, and.
Speaker 2: It was like a dog brush, Like it was easy.
Speaker 1: To brush Buster's teeth and it was Lolla's.
Speaker 2: And she's got all her limbs. How sleepy is over there?
Speaker 1: Hey buddy, wake him up? Hey, yeah, you asshole.
Speaker 2: Hey see tails Wagon's tails.
Speaker 1: He's like, what do you want? Lola will come to
Speaker 1: us now as soon as she finishes dinner, and she
Speaker 1: goes the sugar bugs, quick, quick, get them out. It's amazing.
Speaker 1: I mean, she's anxiety on the poor girl's never been higher.
Speaker 2: Just walking around.
Speaker 1: Get them out.
Speaker 2: What sugar is she having? That's what I want to.
Speaker 1: Know, Hey, Ash before we go, But we do have
Speaker 1: time as always for two listener questions people who have
Speaker 1: written in they need advice for their own situation. For
Speaker 1: some unknown reason, they've come to us. I will go
Speaker 1: first if I may, sure, Okay, this question comes from Louise.
Speaker 1: Louise asks, how do you stop your kids from eating
Speaker 1: dry dog or cat food from the pets bowl?
Speaker 2: Pick the bowl up. I'm pretty simple, although I have
Speaker 2: never had this problem. The problem that we have had
Speaker 2: with both kids is they love the water bowl. Ah,
Speaker 2: that's the thing. They splashing around in the fucking water bowl.
Speaker 2: Thankfully I don't have carpet, it's got tiles, so clean up.
Speaker 2: To Evie, well, it's just annoying.
Speaker 1: I was going to say, Louise, are you sure you're
Speaker 1: not raising dog an animal?
Speaker 2: Because we don't see a dog parents at the same
Speaker 2: levels see actual parents on this podcast. They never never
Speaker 2: eating it.
Speaker 1: They're not not They like to. Actually sometimes they're like,
Speaker 1: have you ever had well a dog biscuit? Yeah?
Speaker 2: No, I ate a shmacko now I go Waco for shmacos?
Speaker 2: How's that for a plug?
Speaker 1: At we are looking for a new sponsor. What flavor
Speaker 1: you got this beef jerky with.
Speaker 2: Lamb neck because they make them so realistic? Now looking,
Speaker 2: is this the snacks?
Speaker 1: Will you? Is this after a night out or are
Speaker 1: you just like on a week night.
Speaker 2: I was at a pet shop getting I was getting what.
Speaker 1: Pet do you have? No pet? Buying a fucking box
Speaker 1: of shmackos sitting in your car, and.
Speaker 2: Nora is buying a new collar.
Speaker 1: It was like, why does the car stink of shmacko?
Speaker 2: I was buying a new collar right for four for
Speaker 2: me and on the counter we're like, look, it was.
Speaker 1: On, go on, explain yourself.
Speaker 2: It was at human level the counter. I just thought
Speaker 2: it was it was a little no. No. They were
Speaker 2: like it was like a shape of a muffin or something.
Speaker 2: It just looked like the little biscuits. And I was like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 2: I ate it.
Speaker 1: And the lady was like, excuse me? Is that?
Speaker 2: She was like, they're meant to be for your pet.
Speaker 2: When you have your pet with you in the pet
Speaker 2: shop and it's like, you know, when you treat them
Speaker 2: for being good, you just ate.
Speaker 1: Of course it's a human eye. You're not going to
Speaker 1: put it down on the floor.
Speaker 2: For a dog. It was a bit of a.
Speaker 1: We will make mistakes. We will make mistakes.
Speaker 2: Anyway. It tastes like shit. So look, I don't know.
Speaker 2: Just elevate it, don't put it at human level because
Speaker 2: I don't it. Okay, Matthew. My question is things to
Speaker 2: do at home with your toddler that don't involve screen time.
Speaker 2: Screen time, not scream.
Speaker 1: That's the biggest question for ever had that. I also
Speaker 1: I don't have the answer. For Thursdays, I'm with the
Speaker 1: girls all day. We have swimming in the morning. My
Speaker 1: go to is the park. I'm like, I need to
Speaker 1: be out of the house. I don't want to be
Speaker 1: inside the house.
Speaker 2: If it's raining and you're at home. There's like the
Speaker 2: standards drawing, draw painting the.
Speaker 1: Issue that I have, right though, Marley loves it, but
Speaker 1: both girls Lola will just's, she'll draw on the walls,
Speaker 1: she'll wreckon and then Marley will finish a drawing and
Speaker 1: then Lola draws in it and Marley's like, my fucking drawer, unbelievable.
Speaker 1: So then they have.
Speaker 2: And drawing.
Speaker 1: Where's the acid wash. My go to is we play zombies.
Speaker 2: Just hide and seeking. You know, fine, it's h y hide.
Speaker 1: And seek and I'm the zombie and then they have
Speaker 1: to run away from me and I go to try
Speaker 1: and find them.
Speaker 2: I just locked mine in the cupboard. And on that note,
Speaker 2: we have run out of time.
Speaker 1: You can't just leave it at that, No, you can't.
Speaker 1: Everyone listening Ash is joking. He loves his kids.
Speaker 2: Why are you talking on my behalf.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to help you.
Speaker 2: I know what I said.
Speaker 1: Guys, get out of here. If you have enjoyed any episodes,
Speaker 1: I do have to. I don't want to ask you
Speaker 1: to do something that you don't want to do.
Speaker 2: Tell them the.
Speaker 1: Fucking drop it right now.
Speaker 2: I can don't.
Speaker 1: If you could please actually three things, review, five stars
Speaker 1: or however many stars you would like to give, write
Speaker 1: a review. But also if you're listening on Apple Podcasts
Speaker 1: and I think on Spotify as well, and you can
Speaker 1: do this follow us. So then every week when we
Speaker 1: do put that a new episode.
Speaker 2: You get it on Wednesday in your ears that you like,
Speaker 2: or send it to someone who needs a perk.
Speaker 1: It's being spoon fed. Yea. It's like it's like having
Speaker 1: us injected directly into your veins every Wednesday.
Speaker 2: And send it to someone that needs a bit of
Speaker 2: a pep.
Speaker 1: Up because except for those who are parents at that
Speaker 1: doesn't count.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Now send it to me. We need.
Speaker 1: Got to wash your car.
Speaker 2: Yes, let's go. You are.
Speaker 1: Two doting dads. Podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country
Speaker 1: throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.
Speaker 2: We pay our respects to their elders past and present
Speaker 2: and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestraight Islander
Speaker 2: people's today. This episode was recorded on Gadagal Land