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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just

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Speaker 2: wants answers.

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Speaker 1: Now, okay, it's Friday. It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's

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Speaker 1: old Do Better Tomorrow. I'm justin. I'm here with Kylie.

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Speaker 1: This is the episode where we look at the week

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Speaker 1: that was and try to work out if things are

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Speaker 1: going well or not and how we can do better tomorrow.

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Speaker 2: I feel like you're feeling a bit heavy today. I

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Speaker 2: think you might need a dad joke.

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Speaker 1: I was going to give you all the reasons that

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Speaker 1: I'm feeling heavy. I am. I am mainly because it's

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Speaker 1: really hard to do. I'd do better tomorrow when I've

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Speaker 1: been traveling so much lately and it's almost finished. The

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Speaker 1: travel's almost done, but it's I have been a way

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Speaker 1: more than i've been home, and it's tricky. Tell me

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Speaker 1: the dad joke.

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Speaker 2: How do you stop an astronaut's baby from crying?

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Speaker 1: Thinking something to do with space atmosphere? No, I don't

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Speaker 1: know you rockets? Oh my goodness? What laugh? Maybe Maybe

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Speaker 1: if I was, maybe, if I was doing better, i'd.

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Speaker 2: Laugh at think you've lost your funny.

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Speaker 1: All right, let's dive into it. I'll do better tomorrow.

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Speaker 1: We need to kick off with a word of the

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Speaker 1: year review. We didn't do it last month. Can you

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Speaker 1: remember your word of the year.

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Speaker 2: I can't believe you're asking.

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Speaker 1: Are you stalling?

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Speaker 2: Now?

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Speaker 1: You're stalling. I can flux and see it on your face.

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Speaker 1: You've forgotten the word for the year.

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Speaker 2: Yours was present?

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Speaker 1: Yes, you know mine? And do you know what? In

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Speaker 1: spite I was embraced? Okay, all right, very good. In

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Speaker 1: spite of the fact that that I've been a way

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Speaker 1: a lot, I feel like I'm doing a better job

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Speaker 1: of being present than I have in years. I really

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Speaker 1: feel like I'm I'm there for you and for the

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Speaker 1: kids when I'm home. Maybe that's been amplified because I've

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Speaker 1: been traveling a lot and giving talks. But I'm giving

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Speaker 1: myself good marks. I'm going to say, I'm like, at

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Speaker 1: a seven and a half and eight, I think I'm

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Speaker 1: doing reasonably well. How's your embracing going? Well, it's a

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Speaker 1: long store. I think we've got everything we need.

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Speaker 2: Our oldest daughter may have asked me if I wanted

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Speaker 2: to join her in the Malula Bar triathlon next year.

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Speaker 2: Smart and I may have said no, Oh, I.

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Speaker 1: Thought you said yes. I thought we were doing.

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Speaker 2: It, and then baby number three said, I can't believe

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Speaker 2: you said no.

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Speaker 1: So now I'm doing so you are in yes, fantastic.

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Speaker 2: So I think I'm embracing.

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Speaker 1: Good on you. That's great. We've got we've got some

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Speaker 1: work to do. We have, we've got a lot of

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Speaker 1: work to do. I can't swim no, no, and there

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Speaker 1: is some fitness obstacles to overcome as well.

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Speaker 2: I didn't say I had to do it well, which

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Speaker 2: you just had to do it.

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Speaker 1: Come on, if you're going to do it, and you

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Speaker 1: know what they say, if it's worth doing, it's worth

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Speaker 1: doing badly because it was worth doing. So at least

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Speaker 1: you've done so, Kylie, I'll do at it tomorrow. I'm

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Speaker 1: going to share mine fairly briefly, because there's very very

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Speaker 1: little for me to talk about. Two things, just quickly.

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Speaker 1: Number one, last weekend we had your family, your parents.

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Speaker 1: Your parents stayed with us for a couple of nights.

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Speaker 1: And this isn't so much about me as it is

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Speaker 1: just about the experience of having grandparents involved in positive

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Speaker 1: ways in their grandchildren's lives. We've worked really hard to

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Speaker 1: make sure that your parents and mine feel like they

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Speaker 1: can visit us whenever, whenever it's convenient for them, whenever

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Speaker 1: they'd like to. They stayed with us. And I walked

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Speaker 1: into the kitchen and saw Lily, our fourteen year old,

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Speaker 1: playing Uno with your mum. Your dad was off doing

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Speaker 1: something else. We'd already had family time across.

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Speaker 2: The weekend, a big list of handyman tasks.

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Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, so he did. He didn't do any

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Speaker 1: of them. He did one, he did one thing, he

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Speaker 1: couldn't figure out the others. I digress. I walked into

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Speaker 1: the kitchen and I saw Lily and your mom laughing

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Speaker 1: their heads off as they tried to cheat each other

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Speaker 1: at you know, they were having so much fun, and

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Speaker 1: I saw this is why grandparents matter so much. I

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Speaker 1: did a sort of an ask just and conversation about

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Speaker 1: it the other day when a mum was saying, I

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Speaker 1: don't agree with the way that my parents are going

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Speaker 1: to be involved with my child like they're doing at

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Speaker 1: old school, and I want them to be on board

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Speaker 1: with on the same page as me. Your parents are

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Speaker 1: on a different page to us, They do things differently

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Speaker 1: to us. And yet I saw Lily, this fourteen year old,

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Speaker 1: surly ornery, sometimes regularly frustrating fourteen year old, and I

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Speaker 1: saw this side of her that I just haven't seen

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Speaker 1: for weeks, maybe months. She was pure delight and your

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Speaker 1: mum was having a ball. I thought, this is why

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Speaker 1: grandparents matter. It was just beautiful. I stood in the

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Speaker 1: kitchen and ate my yogurt and blueberries and just watched.

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Speaker 2: So you were the one await almost.

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but you ate three quarters of the planet.

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Speaker 1: Come on, I only had a.

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Speaker 2: Few no no, no, no, that was Indie.

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Speaker 1: Let's not have that conversation now. It was just beautiful.

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Speaker 1: So my older about it tomorrow was really just a

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Speaker 1: really big push for parents to do everything they can

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Speaker 1: to involve grandparents in positive, engaging, active ways with grandkids,

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Speaker 1: regardless of their capacity. Right, like your mum has very

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Speaker 1: limited physical capacity, but she could sit at the dining

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Speaker 1: table and play, you know, and it was magic. I

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Speaker 1: didn't want to leave. I just they knew that I

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Speaker 1: was there, but they weren't engaged with me at all.

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Speaker 1: They were so involved in what they were doing. And

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Speaker 1: I had five minutes where I just stood there and

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Speaker 1: watched and it was beautiful, just beautiful. The second thing

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Speaker 1: that I wanted to highlight really quickly. Is that last Saturday,

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Speaker 1: I had the opportunity to speak at a conference in

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Speaker 1: front of I think it was four hundred or four

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Speaker 1: hundred and fifty developmental pediatricians. The Australasian Conference of Developmental

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Speaker 1: Pediatricians was held on the Gold Coast and I was

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Speaker 1: able to do a keynote for an hour and then

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Speaker 1: another nineteen minutes workshopping with them. And I was quite bold,

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Speaker 1: I said to them. I talked to parents all the

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Speaker 1: time who say, justin you're telling me to do one thing,

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Speaker 1: and then my pediatrician is telling me to do the

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Speaker 1: exact opposite. I don't know what to do. And I

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Speaker 1: said to the pediatricians, you're doing it wrong. I said

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Speaker 1: it nicely, I said it politely, but you're doing it

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Speaker 1: wrong and it's causing so much difficulty for so many parents.

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Speaker 1: And they said, well, what do you want us to do?

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Speaker 1: And we got to spend two and a half hours

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Speaker 1: workshopping and playing with ideas, and honestly, it was one

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Speaker 1: of the highlights of my career to stand in front

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Speaker 1: of a room of that many people who really work

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Speaker 1: so closely and so tightly with so many families who

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Speaker 1: are struggling, and I just wanted to flag that I

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Speaker 1: love speaking at conferences generally. I love being able to

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Speaker 1: give keynote addresses in schools or I'm speaking at south

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Speaker 1: By Southwest shortly in a couple of weeks in Sydney.

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Speaker 1: But that conference, with that particular audience really intelligent, really engaged,

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Speaker 1: and desperate to know. They pretty much said, we're pediatricians,

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Speaker 1: we're medically trained, we haven't been taught this stuff. What

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Speaker 1: do we need to know? It was just it was

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Speaker 1: just sublime. That's more news than I'll do better tomorrow.

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Speaker 2: I was going to say, I think you're cheating just

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Speaker 2: a bit.

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Speaker 1: I am, but I'll do better next week.

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Speaker 2: You're a hilarious.

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Speaker 1: What's your old about it tomorrow? Missus happy families?

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Speaker 2: Well, it might feel like I'm kind of harping on

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Speaker 2: the same vein over and over again, but this whole

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Speaker 2: idea of having family meetings.

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Speaker 1: Oh, I've got to say on this. At the pediatrician conference,

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Speaker 1: one of the one of the organizers, came over to

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Speaker 1: me and said, I've been listening to the podcast for

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Speaker 1: Ages and if you're listening, hello, And she said she

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Speaker 1: listens to the podcast as much as she can drive

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Speaker 1: from north of Brisbane down to the Gold Coast every

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Speaker 1: single day for work or a few days a week

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Speaker 1: for work. But she said family meetings have revolutionized her family.

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Speaker 1: She said it's the most important thing that they do,

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Speaker 1: and it's us harping on about it that makes the difference.

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Speaker 1: Her and a husband, same page, kids across what needs

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Speaker 1: to be across. It makes an impact.

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Speaker 2: And so last week I mentioned that we had sat

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Speaker 2: down and one of our daughters had acknowledged that while

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Speaker 2: she had done a hundred times better this week on

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Speaker 2: her screen, on her screen, there was still room for improvement,

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Speaker 2: and she really wanted to work at that.

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Speaker 1: So anyone's been listening for a while knows that this

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Speaker 1: is your regular news item. Really, I'll do better tomorrow.

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Speaker 1: It was just this ongoing conversation with our fourteen year

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Speaker 1: old about how much she's using a screen.

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Speaker 2: So you went away for the week, and on Wednesday

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Speaker 2: morning you rang me and you asked me how everything

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Speaker 2: was going with the family.

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Speaker 1: And I had an agenda. I'd checked the screen time

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Speaker 1: stats and I knew that she'd been on her device

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Speaker 1: a lot more than she.

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Speaker 2: Promised, and I acknowledged to you that it was really

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Speaker 2: hard because we'd made some really conscious decisions around screen

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Speaker 2: time that now the kids were sitting in the lound

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Speaker 2: room and were very visual when they were on their screens,

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Speaker 2: and so I wasn't actually sure whether it was getting

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Speaker 2: better or worse because I could see it all happening

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Speaker 2: before me. But you acknowledged that our fourteen year old

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Speaker 2: had had a number of more hours available to her

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Speaker 2: on screen time, big Man, Big Mum than we had

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Speaker 2: agreed on, and I couldn't work out how she done it.

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Speaker 2: So you just said to me, when you get a chance,

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Speaker 2: can you have a chat to her? So I didn't

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Speaker 2: go to her immediately, which is something I would often do.

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Speaker 2: If there's a bee in my bonnet, I want to

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Speaker 2: fix and dealt with straight away.

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Speaker 1: This is something that I've been emphasizing for a long time.

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Speaker 1: You don't have to fix everything on the spot. Wait

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Speaker 1: until you're calm and the kids calm, choose your timing.

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Speaker 2: It actually didn't happen until the next day. She came

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Speaker 2: to me and voluntarily handed me her phone.

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Speaker 1: She didn't know that you were planning on talking about it.

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Speaker 2: And she said, Mum, can you have my phone for

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Speaker 2: the weekend? And I went, oh, this is too good.

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Speaker 1: This is on a Thursday.

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Speaker 2: This is perfect. And I said, hey, kiddo, I said,

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Speaker 2: I was talking to Dad yesterday and he mentioned that

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Speaker 2: your screen time was a little bit high this week.

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Speaker 2: And she looked at me and she said, yeah, I know.

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Speaker 2: She said, that's why I'm handing my phone in now.

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Speaker 2: And she said, and while I'm thinking about it, I

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Speaker 2: actually think I should delete a whole heap of my socials,

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Speaker 2: And so right in front of me, she deleted a

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Speaker 2: whole heap of her socials and handed me back the phone.

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Speaker 2: And I said, I'm just trying to work it out

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Speaker 2: how you managed to increase the time because we've put

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Speaker 2: time limits on your screens and she said, yeah, I

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Speaker 2: know that too, she said, but I managed to get

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Speaker 2: around them on the laptop. So she hadn't been using

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Speaker 2: her phone, she'd been using her laptop, and she'd managed

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Speaker 2: to change those screen times to enable her to be

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Speaker 2: involved in whatever she was doing. And I said, oh,

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Speaker 2: I said, well, that's a problem, I said, because you're

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Speaker 2: handing me your phone. But you've also now just acknowledged

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Speaker 2: that it's the phone's not actually the issue, because you've

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Speaker 2: found a way to utilize your laptop and get around

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Speaker 2: all of those, you know, kind of boundaries that we've

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Speaker 2: put in place. And she said, yeah, I know, but

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Speaker 2: I won't do it anymore. She said, Mum, I've been

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Speaker 2: kind of just taking stock of the way I'm using

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Speaker 2: my screen and she said, and I've realized that there

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Speaker 2: is one particular platform that I've been using that's really problematic.

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Speaker 2: She said, I post on there regularly, and as a result,

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Speaker 2: I'm seeking the validation of others. But in order for

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Speaker 2: me to be able to increase that involvement, I actually

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Speaker 2: have to be validating other people all the time. And

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Speaker 2: she said, and I'm just getting sucked in. And she said,

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Speaker 2: and it wasn't until I looked at my screen time

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Speaker 2: this morning and I saw how much I'd been on there,

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Speaker 2: and then I went to my history to see what

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Speaker 2: it was that was really impacting my screen time. She said.

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Speaker 2: It was this one platform. And she said it and

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Speaker 2: I recognized that in spite of the fact that what

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Speaker 2: I'm doing is actually a really good thing and I

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Speaker 2: love doing it, the desperate need for validation and the

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Speaker 2: need to validate others all the time has become quite

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Speaker 2: toxic in her life. Can I tell you again, this

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Speaker 2: is the same thing. If I had had this conversation

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Speaker 2: with her.

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Speaker 1: And said you need to do this, you need to

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Speaker 1: do that.

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Speaker 2: We would have ended up with World War five hundred

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Speaker 2: and fifty five. It would have been intense. This is

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Speaker 2: literally the first time this kid has number one, been

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Speaker 2: on top of this, like totally accountable. When I said

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Speaker 2: to her, your screen time has been a bit up. Normally,

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Speaker 2: on a normal day to day conversation, I would have

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Speaker 2: had her up in arms justifying her choices and how

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Speaker 2: you know how she was utilizing her time and being

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Speaker 2: really angry at me for asking her, like even just

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Speaker 2: questioning her on it. But because we've been having this

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Speaker 2: ongoing conversation weekly check ins and accountability with each of

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Speaker 2: us and at the same time putting ourselves on the firing.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, recognizing that we are not perfect and we need

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Speaker 1: to improve as well, she's.

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Speaker 2: Been able to do that self evaluation on her own

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Speaker 2: and of her own fruition and recognize that there are

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Speaker 2: traits that she's not loving about her self and the

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Speaker 2: way she's utilizing her screen.

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Speaker 1: So when I listen to this story, there's a couple

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Speaker 1: of things that I want to pull out of it.

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Speaker 1: For a lot of families who are listening and going, yeah,

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Speaker 1: not going to happen with my kids. Number One, your

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Speaker 1: kids want to do well, they really do. Number Two,

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Speaker 1: this does not happen after one conversation. This has been

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Speaker 1: about a month of well, let's be real, it's.

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Speaker 2: Been an ongoing conversation her whole you know, kind of

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Speaker 2: teenage years. We've just gotten really concentrated in the last

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Speaker 2: few months.

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Speaker 1: In the last month or so, we've really really drilled

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Speaker 1: into it and said what's going on here? But I

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Speaker 1: think the critical thing is when kids feel backed into

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Speaker 1: a corner, like anyone or anything else, they push back.

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Speaker 1: They want to get out of the corner and they

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Speaker 1: want their freedom. By allowing this to sit, by continuing

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Speaker 1: to have the conversations, and by saying we don't technically

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Speaker 1: have an agenda here, we're not trying to stop everything.

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Speaker 1: We're just trying to find ways that we can get

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Speaker 1: a healthy balance, and at the moment it's not balanced.

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Speaker 1: How do we work on this together. We've come up

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Speaker 1: with I mean, it's still imperfect, there's still room to move.

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Speaker 1: We will continue this over the next week, fortnite, month, quarter, whatever. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: of course this is an ongoing thing, but it's giving

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Speaker 1: her the time and the space to think through things

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Speaker 1: and develop her own internal regulation around it. That she

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Speaker 1: started to identify what matters. And this is for anyone

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Speaker 1: who's read the pairing Revolution, this is where we move

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Speaker 1: from external regulation where someone's making me do it, to

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Speaker 1: introjected regulation, where I'm doing it because I have to.

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Speaker 1: Now she's moved to this thing called identified regulation, where

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Speaker 1: I see the value in it, so I'm on board.

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Speaker 1: The next step is called integrated regulation. I'm the kind

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Speaker 1: of person who and then there's intrinsic motivation, but I.

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Speaker 2: Think she's getting there.

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Speaker 1: In the reason she's moving towards integrated this is.

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Speaker 2: The this is the really powerful moment of the story.

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Speaker 2: The reason she came to me on Thursday morning was

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Speaker 2: because on Wednesday night she'd been at a social gathering

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Speaker 2: with all of her friends, having an absolute ball, but

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Speaker 2: because she had her phone with her and she was

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Speaker 2: obviously engaging on this particular platform. Every time she got

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Speaker 2: a notification, she was checking, she was stopping whatever the

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Speaker 2: flow of the evening was, because this was so important,

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Speaker 2: and it wasn't until she came home and she thought

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Speaker 2: about it, and she just thought, I'm sitting there, face

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Speaker 2: to face with my friends, and yet there's people on

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Speaker 2: the other end of a screen who are branding my

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Speaker 2: attention more. And she said, I've watched it with other

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Speaker 2: people and have been devastated that I'm not as important

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Speaker 2: as whatever's on the screen. And she said, and in

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Speaker 2: that moment, I realized I'm becoming that person, and I

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Speaker 2: just this is hu huge.

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Speaker 1: This is huge, what a great story. There is hope

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Speaker 1: it can be done. It just takes time and patience

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Speaker 1: and conversations and willingness to let kids have the learning.

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Speaker 1: We hope that there's some inspo in our conversation today.

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Speaker 1: Thanks so much for listening. The Happy Families podcast is

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Speaker 1: produced by Justin Rulan from Bridge Media. We love your work, Justin,

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Speaker 1: Thanks so much. Have a great weekend everyone, and if

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Speaker 1: you'd like more information about making your family happy, please

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Speaker 1: join us at happy families dot com dot au.