1
00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,080
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the

2
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:10,680
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers, Now.

3
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:13,159
Speaker 2: When our children do something wrong, it actually has very

4
00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:15,480
Speaker 2: little to do with us and everything to do with

5
00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:19,919
Speaker 2: their ability and their maturity at navigating the world around them.

6
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:23,439
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My mom

7
00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:23,960
Speaker 1: and Dad.

8
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:28,080
Speaker 3: First of December, Colylie, it feels like summer, feels like summer.

9
00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:29,880
Speaker 3: I think we should do like when I used to

10
00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:31,000
Speaker 3: be on the radio, we used to do like the

11
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:33,600
Speaker 3: one hundred Days of Summer, And I feel like we

12
00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:35,280
Speaker 3: should do one hundred days of Summer on the Happy

13
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:38,440
Speaker 3: Families Podcast. What do you reckon? We should we do it?

14
00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:41,000
Speaker 3: Or no? No, No, we're having a holiday. We're going

15
00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:42,120
Speaker 3: to okay, all right?

16
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,960
Speaker 2: Well, you know, I am feeling a little bit flat,

17
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:48,320
Speaker 2: to be honest, because in my mind, yeah, tomorrow, yes,

18
00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:51,880
Speaker 2: is the first day of your brain.

19
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,920
Speaker 3: So I'm taking a break. I'm actually having time off

20
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:55,440
Speaker 3: in December. I've got to do a little bit of

21
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:57,520
Speaker 3: work here and there, but I'm having time off in December. Yeah.

22
00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:01,440
Speaker 3: And I thought I've done this. I've never actually taken

23
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:02,120
Speaker 3: time off like this.

24
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:04,600
Speaker 2: No, this is a really this is a really big deal.

25
00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:07,000
Speaker 2: So I was so excited because we were going to

26
00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:10,720
Speaker 2: have pretty much next week weeks without the kids.

27
00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:13,399
Speaker 3: Yes, but we've got two kids that finish school that

28
00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:15,400
Speaker 3: still live at home, and they're going to be at home.

29
00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:16,280
Speaker 2: I didn't know that.

30
00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:19,319
Speaker 4: I know, I know, but we've got these kids that

31
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:21,840
Speaker 4: finish school and I mean, they're working a bit, but

32
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:22,959
Speaker 4: they're also going to be around.

33
00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:26,880
Speaker 2: And so I am just feeling a little bit jipped.

34
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:29,440
Speaker 3: Well, but you know what, I'm taking time off and

35
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,520
Speaker 3: we'll have time together. I mean that they're big, they're big,

36
00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:35,360
Speaker 3: they'll give us some space. Anyway, Today Today my favorite

37
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,800
Speaker 3: podcast episode of all the different podcasts that we do.

38
00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:41,479
Speaker 3: It's not I'll Do Better Tomorrow. That's tomorrow.

39
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,320
Speaker 4: It's not book Club, it's not even the Doctor's Desk,

40
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,680
Speaker 4: my favorite wats land, And it's not one of our answers,

41
00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:50,080
Speaker 4: you know, like our people that email us podcasts at

42
00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,040
Speaker 4: Happy Families dot com dot you to ask questions.

43
00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:53,200
Speaker 3: The one that I love.

44
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:54,720
Speaker 4: The most, the one that I get most excited about,

45
00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:57,120
Speaker 4: is where we just talk about parenting.

46
00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,640
Speaker 3: That's in the news. It's this week in Parenting.

47
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:03,720
Speaker 2: Can you do that again?

48
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:08,840
Speaker 3: This Week in Parenting? You're so mean to you're mocking

49
00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:11,400
Speaker 3: me now, so I thought, I mean, I've been watching

50
00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:13,760
Speaker 3: the news and pairing as I always do, and before

51
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,519
Speaker 3: I kick off the four stories that we're going to

52
00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:17,800
Speaker 3: go through in about two minutes each for today, I

53
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:20,200
Speaker 3: found a parenting tweet that just made me laugh so much.

54
00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:23,000
Speaker 3: It's from a Twitter account called be kind of Witty,

55
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:27,040
Speaker 3: Be kind of Witty, and this person has said, my

56
00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:31,480
Speaker 3: parenting style right now is like gentle parenting, gentle parenting,

57
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:37,680
Speaker 3: gentle parenting. I cancel ndriss mass gentle parenting, gentle parenting.

58
00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:40,080
Speaker 3: It just made me laugh. It was all in I thought,

59
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,640
Speaker 3: how many parents are right now saying that the please

60
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,639
Speaker 3: don't please, don't cancel Christmas? Okay? This week in Parenting

61
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:48,280
Speaker 3: in The Guardian is where we're starting with one of

62
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:52,120
Speaker 3: the world's most famous women, Michelle Obama. There's an extract

63
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:55,440
Speaker 3: from her most recent book and she talks about parenting,

64
00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:58,000
Speaker 3: especially raising kids in the White House. When she walked

65
00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:01,359
Speaker 3: into the White House, had a couple of pre eighteen girls.

66
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:03,680
Speaker 3: Her mum moved out of the Chicago home that she

67
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,240
Speaker 3: lived in and came and moved into the White House

68
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:07,519
Speaker 3: with them to help out ended up staying for eight years,

69
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:13,920
Speaker 3: became the first grandmother in chief, the first grandma. But

70
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,560
Speaker 3: I love what she says, and I just want to

71
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,839
Speaker 3: read this excerpt because I want to ask you about this.

72
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:21,360
Speaker 3: She says, one tiny thing would go wrong and my

73
00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:24,320
Speaker 3: mother guilt would kick in. I'd start second guessing every

74
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:28,040
Speaker 3: choice Barrick and I had ever made. Self scrutiny is

75
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:30,520
Speaker 3: something women a programmed to excel at, having been thrust

76
00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,960
Speaker 3: into systems of inequality and fed fully unrealistic images of

77
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,600
Speaker 3: female perfection from the time that we were kids ourselves,

78
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:39,920
Speaker 3: none of us, truly, none ever live up. For mothers,

79
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:44,640
Speaker 3: the feelings of not enoughness can be especially acute. The

80
00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:48,480
Speaker 3: images of maternal perfection we encounter inadvertisements and across social

81
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,720
Speaker 3: media are often no less fake than what we see

82
00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:53,200
Speaker 3: on the enhanced and photoshopped female bodies that are so

83
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,920
Speaker 3: often upheld as the societal gold standard for beauty. But

84
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,000
Speaker 3: still we are conditioned to buy into it, questing after

85
00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,000
Speaker 3: not just the perfect body, but also the perfect children,

86
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:03,480
Speaker 3: perfect work life balance, perfect family experience, and perfect levels

87
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,600
Speaker 3: of patience. It's hard not to look around as a

88
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:08,400
Speaker 3: mother and think is everyone doing this perfectly? But me.

89
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:12,320
Speaker 3: I read that, and I just wondered whether we're still there.

90
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:15,120
Speaker 3: I'm wondering whether or not we've moved past it because

91
00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:19,240
Speaker 3: you and I talk openly and often about being realistic

92
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,960
Speaker 3: about parenting and that nobody's doing it perfectly at all.

93
00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:24,520
Speaker 3: But what's your experience. Do you think that she's got that?

94
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:25,960
Speaker 3: Do you think she's nailed it? Because I love the

95
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:26,560
Speaker 3: way she writes.

96
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:29,680
Speaker 2: I think that when you're in the public eye, or

97
00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:33,800
Speaker 2: like she was specifically, you feel even more aware of

98
00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:35,360
Speaker 2: every fail.

99
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:38,039
Speaker 3: Yeah, well that's true, even when I think about it

100
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,040
Speaker 3: from a parenting from a dad's point of view.

101
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:40,400
Speaker 4: Totally.

102
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,520
Speaker 3: If we're in public and I have a scowl on

103
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,080
Speaker 3: my face when I'm looking at one of the children,

104
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:46,679
Speaker 3: you can be guaranteed somebody who follows us on Facebook

105
00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:48,920
Speaker 3: or listens to the podcast, we'll walk over and say, hi,

106
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,720
Speaker 3: a really big fan, at which point I go, oh, no,

107
00:04:52,279 --> 00:04:54,800
Speaker 3: because I just was looking angrily at my child.

108
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:56,880
Speaker 2: Well, if I'm perfectly honest, it was one of the

109
00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:58,440
Speaker 2: reasons I didn't want to come on the podcast with

110
00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:02,520
Speaker 2: you either. This something daunting about putting yourself out there,

111
00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:06,240
Speaker 2: especially in an area where we are not only so

112
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:10,800
Speaker 2: self judgmental, but we're often really judgmental of each other.

113
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,120
Speaker 2: We see things and we kind of think, you know,

114
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,400
Speaker 2: I'd never do that, or I can't believe she's doing

115
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:19,159
Speaker 2: that in public, or whatever it is. We all have

116
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:22,120
Speaker 2: those feelings and thoughts. But I think the thing that

117
00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,440
Speaker 2: has really really helped me over the years is just

118
00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:28,720
Speaker 2: this acknowledgment that I'm better today than I was yesterday.

119
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,520
Speaker 3: Yeah. It's a progress thing, right, Yeah, yeah, And.

120
00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:36,960
Speaker 2: I'm hopeful that I will be better again tomorrow. I

121
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:39,400
Speaker 2: look at who my parents were when I was growing up,

122
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:42,320
Speaker 2: and I look at who they've become now, and they're

123
00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:46,200
Speaker 2: still not perfect, but they treat our children very differently

124
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:49,160
Speaker 2: to the way they treated me and my siblings, and

125
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:53,120
Speaker 2: that gives me hope that I'm never going to be perfect.

126
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,839
Speaker 2: I'm never going to get it all right. But that's

127
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:56,839
Speaker 2: not what this is all about.

128
00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:01,360
Speaker 3: So Michelle Obama's mum, with permission, shared a handful of

129
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,000
Speaker 3: ideas in this article in this extract for the book,

130
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:08,080
Speaker 3: with the disclaimer which comes directly from the grandma herself,

131
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:09,200
Speaker 3: and just make sure they know I'm not in the

132
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,120
Speaker 3: business of telling anybody how to live. But she gave

133
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:13,560
Speaker 3: a couple of ideas for and I think this is

134
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,920
Speaker 3: great parenting advice, great parenting news. She said, Number one,

135
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:18,680
Speaker 3: teach your kids to wake themselves up. Number two, it

136
00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:21,000
Speaker 3: isn't about you. Good parents are always working to put

137
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,599
Speaker 3: themselves out of business. Love that one, you know.

138
00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,920
Speaker 2: I think that that is the biggest lesson that I've

139
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,920
Speaker 2: had to learn. When our children do something wrong, it

140
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:32,480
Speaker 2: actually has very little to do with us and everything

141
00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:36,880
Speaker 2: to do with their ability and their maturity at navigating

142
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:40,080
Speaker 2: the world around them. It's so powerful, and we've just

143
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,080
Speaker 2: got to give them the space that they need to

144
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:43,000
Speaker 2: be able to do that.

145
00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:47,000
Speaker 3: Number three, know what's truly precious. I really like that one.

146
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,360
Speaker 3: That's something that I talk about all the time. People

147
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:54,040
Speaker 3: matter things, don't. Number four Parent the child you've got.

148
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,760
Speaker 3: And the last one that she adds in this extract,

149
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:58,719
Speaker 3: which we will link to in the show notes, is

150
00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:02,920
Speaker 3: come home. We will always like you here great paring

151
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,480
Speaker 3: advice and parenting.

152
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,720
Speaker 2: I just change that to love because sometimes I don't

153
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,760
Speaker 2: like my kids very much.

154
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:10,440
Speaker 3: At all, but I'll always love the good one. I'll

155
00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:17,200
Speaker 3: accept that, okay. Our second parenting in the news this

156
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:19,720
Speaker 3: week in parenting A little while ago, I was on

157
00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:22,080
Speaker 3: a podcast called One Day You'll Thank Me. It runs

158
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:26,480
Speaker 3: out of the New Zealand Herald, and this week on

159
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:29,840
Speaker 3: that podcast, they've got an article talking about Jason Gunn's

160
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:32,760
Speaker 3: genius parenting hack. Let me read this to you and

161
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,760
Speaker 3: tell me like, we've got to adopt this, and we've

162
00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:36,960
Speaker 3: got it. We need to adopt it as of right now.

163
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:41,320
Speaker 3: He says, You're in the car, the phone rings, Your

164
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,160
Speaker 3: kids give a look as if to say, just let

165
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:46,880
Speaker 3: it go. You pick the phone up, obviously you're on

166
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:51,240
Speaker 3: hands free everybody, and you go, hi, gooda, and you

167
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:53,920
Speaker 3: watch the kids roll their eyes, and then you say, hey, listen,

168
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,120
Speaker 3: can I stop you there? I actually can't chat right

169
00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:57,680
Speaker 3: now because I've got a VIP in the car with me.

170
00:07:57,760 --> 00:08:00,240
Speaker 3: Can I call you back? Very important person in the

171
00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:01,400
Speaker 3: car with me. So I'm going to have to let

172
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,040
Speaker 3: you go, and you'll see you can go. He' joking

173
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:07,160
Speaker 3: who's the VIP And you go, dude, you're the VIP.

174
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:09,440
Speaker 3: You're the very important person. I'm not going to take

175
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,360
Speaker 3: a work call right now. Do you like that?

176
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:12,120
Speaker 2: I love it?

177
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:14,480
Speaker 3: So I just thought i'd shared this week in parenting,

178
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:18,400
Speaker 3: We've got this guy, Jason Gunn with a genius parenting hack.

179
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,680
Speaker 3: And I read that and thought, not only do I

180
00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:22,680
Speaker 3: have to start doing that in the car with the kids,

181
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:26,680
Speaker 3: but I need to with me. Did you say yes, yes, Yes,

182
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:29,680
Speaker 3: I definitely definitely said that as well. But I want

183
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:31,200
Speaker 3: to tell everyone about it because I thought, what a

184
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:33,440
Speaker 3: great hack, which also reminds me that means that I'm

185
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:35,760
Speaker 3: not supposed to make phone calls while I'm in the

186
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:36,560
Speaker 3: car with the kids.

187
00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,400
Speaker 2: Well, number three, we're going to look at some strict parenting.

188
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm kind of cheating a bit. I know that

189
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,600
Speaker 3: this is This Week in Parenting, but I'm kind of

190
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,200
Speaker 3: collaborating with the doctor's desk.

191
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:49,800
Speaker 2: Well, if it's recent research, it's this Week in Parenting.

192
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:52,280
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think so. So some researchers, and I'm just

193
00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,240
Speaker 3: going to read the headline here. Some researchers found that

194
00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:58,680
Speaker 3: strict parenting can affect the way the body reads DNA. Now,

195
00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:01,840
Speaker 3: this is fascinating to me, and it's completely consistent with

196
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:03,840
Speaker 3: what we think we've been learning for a long time

197
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:08,080
Speaker 3: about how strict parenting affects children throughout their lives. The

198
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,240
Speaker 3: way the body reads the children's DNA, according to the article,

199
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:15,160
Speaker 3: might change as a result of strict parenting. These alterations

200
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:17,960
Speaker 3: may become hardwired into the DNA of children who perceive

201
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:21,400
Speaker 3: their parents to be harsh, raising their biological risk for

202
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:26,000
Speaker 3: depression in adolescence and later life. This was work that

203
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:30,040
Speaker 3: was presented at the European College of neuro Psychopharmacology, the

204
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:33,920
Speaker 3: congress that was held recently in Vienna. The researcher elaborates,

205
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:36,960
Speaker 3: we discovered that perceived harsh parenting, so that is that's

206
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:40,400
Speaker 3: not necessarily harsh parenting, it's the child believing, yeah, believing

207
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:43,240
Speaker 3: my parents are harsh towards me with physical punishment and

208
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:47,640
Speaker 3: psychological manipulation. So we're talking about physical punishment and controlling behavior.

209
00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:50,559
Speaker 3: Can introduce an additional set of instructions on how a

210
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:54,680
Speaker 3: gene is read to become hardwired into DNA. We have

211
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,920
Speaker 3: some indications that these changes themselves can predispose the growing

212
00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:01,880
Speaker 3: child to depression. Does not happen to the same extent

213
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:05,240
Speaker 3: if the children have had a supportive upbringing. I just

214
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:08,160
Speaker 3: I love what we're discovering more and more about gene expression,

215
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:11,959
Speaker 3: about how our brains and our bodies work, and how

216
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:15,480
Speaker 3: the way we raise our kids influencers who we are

217
00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:17,840
Speaker 3: the way our parents raised us and their parents raise

218
00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:20,000
Speaker 3: them influence who we are today. We can turn genes

219
00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:23,160
Speaker 3: on and off by the way that we're paring our kids.

220
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:27,120
Speaker 2: I find that really intriguing because we've been talking about

221
00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:32,480
Speaker 2: this massive shift in mental health and mental illness specifically

222
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:36,600
Speaker 2: in the last handful of years, and just how all

223
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:39,360
Speaker 2: intents and purposes we're dealing with a pandemic of mental

224
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:44,040
Speaker 2: illness across the globe. And when we think about the

225
00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:51,120
Speaker 2: way the majority of our parents parented us, we would

226
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:56,960
Speaker 2: mostly put this into a very strict, authoritarian home where

227
00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:00,439
Speaker 2: smacking was often a huge part of that process. Yeah,

228
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:05,600
Speaker 2: and to have the findings that they're finding now really

229
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:08,080
Speaker 2: would support what we're seeing in society in general.

230
00:11:08,559 --> 00:11:11,040
Speaker 3: Okay, so I've got one more thing for us to

231
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:13,199
Speaker 3: talk about with this week in parenting.

232
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,439
Speaker 2: I'm interested about this one because Dad gets slammed for

233
00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:19,760
Speaker 2: demanding mornings off on the weekends.

234
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,720
Speaker 3: Yeah, so I'm really interested in your reaction to this one.

235
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:26,000
Speaker 3: This was in the Mirror in the UK and the

236
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:29,080
Speaker 3: article says he has a six month baby. A six

237
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,000
Speaker 3: month baby, that's what it says. I mean, Typo, I

238
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,080
Speaker 3: don't know he has a six month old baby and

239
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:35,240
Speaker 3: works full time while his wife is a part time

240
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,760
Speaker 3: worker and to stay at home mum. But now he

241
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:41,160
Speaker 3: is demanding time off. The article goes on to say

242
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,480
Speaker 3: the arrival of a new baby can be absolutely joyous,

243
00:11:43,559 --> 00:11:46,160
Speaker 3: but it can also create tensions in relationships as couples

244
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:48,199
Speaker 3: work out who is responsible for what when it comes

245
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:51,160
Speaker 3: to childcare. It's a scenario confronting one couple, and a

246
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:54,040
Speaker 3: solution seems hard to come by. The man shared his

247
00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:57,720
Speaker 3: gripe on reddits, claiming he needs time out from parenting duties.

248
00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:01,160
Speaker 3: There were over five thousand comments to his post, with

249
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,320
Speaker 3: most being unsympathetic to his plight. He claims to be

250
00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:06,199
Speaker 3: living the dream, but he may soon be living in

251
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:08,559
Speaker 3: a nightmare of his demands for a time off from

252
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,400
Speaker 3: household duties become a reality. Here's what he said. My

253
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:12,880
Speaker 3: wife and I have a six month old baby girl.

254
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,600
Speaker 3: She's mostly a stay at home mum. She works two

255
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:16,840
Speaker 3: half days a week and her sister watches the baby.

256
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:19,079
Speaker 3: I work full time and I go to school one

257
00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:21,800
Speaker 3: day a week. We've always had an arrangement where she

258
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,040
Speaker 3: takes care of household, judy's cooking, cleaning, and our baby

259
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:27,440
Speaker 3: care while I happily support her monetarily. He's very happy

260
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:30,080
Speaker 3: with the arrangement, adding, honestly, we're both living our dream

261
00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:32,480
Speaker 3: life and my wife does an absolutely spectacular job taking

262
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,040
Speaker 3: care of me and our little one. But there is

263
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,560
Speaker 3: a sticking point, and there's one. It's one that they

264
00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:39,800
Speaker 3: can't agree on. On the weekends, we share baby duty. However,

265
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,680
Speaker 3: our girl has hit a bit of a sleeper aggression,

266
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,480
Speaker 3: waking up every two hours. Since my wife breastfeeds, she's

267
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:47,920
Speaker 3: always taken care of the baby overnight. She's a light

268
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,360
Speaker 3: sleeper unfortunately has insomnia, whereas I'm a deep sleeper and

269
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:53,200
Speaker 3: wouldn't wake up for baby cries anyway. Recently, my wife

270
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:54,640
Speaker 3: has been asking me to wake up with the baby

271
00:12:54,679 --> 00:12:56,559
Speaker 3: both days on the weekends so that she can get

272
00:12:56,559 --> 00:12:58,960
Speaker 3: an extra hour of sleep. Baby wakes up at around

273
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,520
Speaker 3: seven am, get the baby dressed, and take over for

274
00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:03,720
Speaker 3: that hour. But sometimes I want to be the one

275
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:06,600
Speaker 3: that gets to sleep in an extra hour. So he

276
00:13:06,679 --> 00:13:08,640
Speaker 3: decides to broach the subject with his wife, who does

277
00:13:08,679 --> 00:13:10,400
Speaker 3: her best to understand his needs, but it ends in

278
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,880
Speaker 3: an argument. Kylie, does he have a leg to stand on?

279
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,439
Speaker 2: I hope there's a spare room that's all I could say.

280
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:20,520
Speaker 3: So I want to actually bring some balance here because

281
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:23,520
Speaker 3: the internet is known for its outrage. But back in

282
00:13:23,559 --> 00:13:27,000
Speaker 3: the days when we had a brand new, firstborn baby

283
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:32,480
Speaker 3: girl who had tremendous reflux, wasn't sleeping. You were absolutely exhausted.

284
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,440
Speaker 3: You were a full time mum, full time housekeeper, and

285
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:38,040
Speaker 3: I was working as a radio announcer. We essentially sat

286
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,920
Speaker 3: down and agreed that you were going to take care

287
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,360
Speaker 3: of it and I was going to sleep because I

288
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:42,679
Speaker 3: had to show up. I had to work, I had

289
00:13:42,679 --> 00:13:44,400
Speaker 3: to earn the money, and being on the radio, I

290
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:45,760
Speaker 3: had to actually sound like I was happy to be

291
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,319
Speaker 3: at work. I had to sound like I was happy

292
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:50,120
Speaker 3: to be awake. Now, on reflection, I wish that I

293
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:52,640
Speaker 3: had been more supportive. I wish that I'd been more present,

294
00:13:52,679 --> 00:13:55,520
Speaker 3: more available. But the general idea here is that if

295
00:13:55,559 --> 00:13:57,280
Speaker 3: you've got a breadwinner and you've got somebody who is

296
00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:01,440
Speaker 3: full time caring, it seems to me that it's reasonable

297
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:04,000
Speaker 3: that the majority of that care would be done by

298
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,520
Speaker 3: the care Where I'm going to jump in though, is

299
00:14:06,559 --> 00:14:09,240
Speaker 3: I'm going to suggest that on the weekend when mum

300
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:12,679
Speaker 3: needs the sleep, surely he could lift a little I mean,

301
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,000
Speaker 3: he can do an extra hour or two on the weekends.

302
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:16,960
Speaker 3: It doesn't seem like that big an ask, and I

303
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:17,959
Speaker 3: do think he's in the wrong.

304
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,960
Speaker 2: So we've had again, We've had this conversation on the

305
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:24,320
Speaker 2: podcast a few times now. The conversations I have with

306
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:28,440
Speaker 2: women who are most disgruntled, yes, are the ones that

307
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:34,400
Speaker 2: feel like there's an unequal distribution of responsibilities across the relationship.

308
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:38,280
Speaker 2: And if I was perfectly honest, I would have loved

309
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,920
Speaker 2: for you to be more involved in the parenting process

310
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:42,800
Speaker 2: when we had younger children, and I.

311
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,240
Speaker 3: Wish I in hindsight, I wish I had been, But.

312
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,720
Speaker 2: We learn and we grow. Yes, And this is actually

313
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:53,800
Speaker 2: not really about sleep. This is actually about a wife who,

314
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,320
Speaker 2: for all intents and purposes, just like me, is really

315
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,920
Speaker 2: happy to be a stay at home mum, take care

316
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:01,080
Speaker 2: of the children, take care at the house, look after

317
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:05,280
Speaker 2: a husband. But who's looking after her, who's taking care

318
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:09,600
Speaker 2: of her on the days that he actually has the

319
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:15,440
Speaker 2: capacity to lighten her load, He's actually only thinking about himself.

320
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,600
Speaker 2: The reality is, if you had come to me and said,

321
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:22,240
Speaker 2: because of the way my work is structured during the week,

322
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:25,720
Speaker 2: I would really just love to be able to have

323
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:28,400
Speaker 2: a sleep and on a Saturday. Do you think that

324
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,600
Speaker 2: maybe you could offer that to me and then you

325
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:34,200
Speaker 2: could have that same treat on a Sunday. But to

326
00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:39,040
Speaker 2: be arbitrary in your desire to have it for you

327
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,480
Speaker 2: and you think that it's justified, I think we'd be

328
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:45,520
Speaker 2: more damaging to the relationship than just about anything else

329
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:46,560
Speaker 2: you could do at that point.

330
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,920
Speaker 3: I love I love being married to you. I love

331
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,720
Speaker 3: listening to it. This is why I'm who I am

332
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:54,080
Speaker 3: because of the way that you have encouraged me to

333
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:57,480
Speaker 3: think through things and grow. I think we're both really

334
00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:00,600
Speaker 3: saying the same thing. Though it's fine to die the labor,

335
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:02,920
Speaker 3: it's fine to split things up, but we've got to

336
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:06,400
Speaker 3: be attentive to one another's needs, and that selfishness will

337
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:10,040
Speaker 3: ultimately undermine the relationship if it's not nipped in the bud.

338
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:12,360
Speaker 3: What I love as well, though, about what you've said,

339
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:16,040
Speaker 3: is you've highlighted that's where we were once upon a time,

340
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:19,200
Speaker 3: and over time, so long as we are attentive and

341
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:22,080
Speaker 3: interested in the other person's well being, we grow through

342
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:23,840
Speaker 3: that and we become better because of it. If I

343
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:26,520
Speaker 3: could go back and visit twenty two year old me

344
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,040
Speaker 3: or twenty four year old me when we had that

345
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,120
Speaker 3: first baby. Oh man, I would give myself an uppercut.

346
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:33,240
Speaker 3: I would get myself to do things so very differently,

347
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,400
Speaker 3: And I reckon this guy is probably having a pretty

348
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,120
Speaker 3: steep learning curves as a result of the five thousand

349
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,680
Speaker 3: Reddit comments. At least I hope he is. So that's

350
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:44,440
Speaker 3: this week in parenting, Kylie. Love your input and your ideas.

351
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,240
Speaker 3: As always, Thank you so much for doing that. Tomorrow

352
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,520
Speaker 3: it's old do better. Tomorrow we'll find out where we're

353
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:52,040
Speaker 3: going right, where we're going wrong, and how we can

354
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,400
Speaker 3: make our family happy. We really appreciate so much that

355
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:57,320
Speaker 3: you listen to the Happy Families podcast. The Happy Family's

356
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,640
Speaker 3: podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig

357
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:03,040
Speaker 3: Bruce is our executive producer and more involve about making

358
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:06,000
Speaker 3: your family happier. Please visit happy families dot com today