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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just answers Now.

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Speaker 2: But if we really want to have healthy relationships, we've

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Speaker 2: got to remove the name calling and the swearing, that

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Speaker 2: horrible accusatory orientation towards another person.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 3: Hello.

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Speaker 2: This is doctor Justin Coilson, the founder of Happy Families

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Speaker 2: dot com, dot you and the author of six books

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Speaker 2: about making families happier. Seventh book coming out really soon.

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Speaker 2: Can I tell you a bit about what it's about?

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Speaker 2: Kylie Am I'm here with Kylie, mum to our six

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Speaker 2: kids and podcast partner Kylie may I.

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Speaker 3: Can I spill the beans? Can I talk about what

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Speaker 3: it is? I don't know?

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Speaker 1: Do you?

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Speaker 3: Are you allowed to? I don't know if I'm allowed to,

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Speaker 3: but I'm going to. Let's just do it.

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Speaker 2: If you're soon to be a dad, this is the

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Speaker 2: book for you. If you know us soon to be dad,

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Speaker 2: this is the book for you. You know the for

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Speaker 2: dummies books, Well, the people who write the for dummies

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Speaker 2: books have reached out to me and asked me if

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Speaker 2: I would revise an update the old one. So I've

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Speaker 2: done a new version of A Dad's Guide to Pregnancy

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Speaker 2: for Dummies. It's all about what to do if you're

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Speaker 2: the dad of the new baby that's coming along.

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Speaker 3: How do you help your wife through labor.

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Speaker 2: How do you be a support rather than stare at

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Speaker 2: your phone and wish that you were somewhere else. How

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Speaker 2: do you actually make a difference? And I had so

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Speaker 2: much fun writing this book. It's coming out soon. We'll

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Speaker 2: give you more details. It's going to be the seventh

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Speaker 2: book that I've written, and a book that I think

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Speaker 2: is going to make a really big difference at the

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Speaker 2: beginning of the parenting journey because we spend so much

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Speaker 2: time talking about things as we progress. But this is

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Speaker 2: for any new dads. If you know a dad who's

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Speaker 2: or sorry as soon to be dad, this is one

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Speaker 2: to watch out for.

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Speaker 3: It'll be released in time for Father's Day. More details

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Speaker 3: to come.

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Speaker 4: So a couple of days ago, we were talking about

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Speaker 4: some habits to help create healthy relationships, but we never

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Speaker 4: got to finish them because you did so much talking.

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Speaker 2: You know what, I'm not going to accept that, not

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Speaker 2: this time, Not this time, missus Coulson. You blame me

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Speaker 2: for talking all the time. I think that you did

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Speaker 2: a lot of the talking on Tuesday is why we

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Speaker 2: didn't get to the end of it.

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Speaker 4: I might have, but it just means we get to

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Speaker 4: enjoy this today as well.

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Speaker 2: It's a really great topic though, habits of healthy relationships.

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Speaker 2: On Tuesday, we talked about the first four on my

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Speaker 2: list of seven, and I need to actually mention these

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Speaker 2: are habits for healthy relationships with your kids, but we

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Speaker 2: keep on bringing it into the partner adult relationship because.

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Speaker 3: Because it feels like we haven't had enough time together.

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Speaker 2: Maybe, so I wanted to just do a quick summary

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Speaker 2: of what those first four were and then we've got

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Speaker 2: three more. But since I've had some time to think

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Speaker 2: about it, I also thought of three things that I

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Speaker 2: want to emphasize that are really important in adult spouse

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Speaker 2: partner relationships, and I'm going to mention them at the

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Speaker 2: end as well.

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Speaker 4: Okay, okay, So number one, yep, was make time for

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Speaker 4: the relationship.

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Speaker 3: Connection is the currency of relationships.

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Speaker 2: You've got to make time, put the phone down, time, confetti,

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Speaker 2: all that stuff.

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Speaker 4: And number two we talked about laughter and how it

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Speaker 4: just can change the dynamics of a relationship instantly. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: we talked about honoring the other person, Yes, yes, whether

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Speaker 4: they're in the room or not.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, especially, And we talked about it from espousal or

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Speaker 2: partnered perspective, and I don't think we gave enough focus

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Speaker 2: to the children in that one.

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Speaker 3: But you know, well, for me.

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Speaker 4: It's no different. It's the same conversation. When I'm having

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Speaker 4: struggles with my kids, I'm also looking for people I

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Speaker 4: know that my children's that opinions of my children are

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Speaker 4: safe with.

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Speaker 3: That's a beautiful comment to highlight.

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Speaker 2: You want to talk to people who are not going

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Speaker 2: to judge your kids for being kids while you talk

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Speaker 2: about how your kids are being kids.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, my kids are driving me insane, but they are

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Speaker 4: the most beautiful human beings and I know that. Just

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Speaker 4: in this moment, I'm really struggling and I need event.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, love, Who can I.

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Speaker 4: Go to that sees my children for who they are

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Speaker 4: and not for the faults in me? Because I can't

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Speaker 4: see that right now.

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Speaker 3: So let me just add to that one more thing.

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Speaker 2: And the thing that I want to add is it's

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Speaker 2: very very easy to talk about all the problems that

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Speaker 2: our kids present.

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Speaker 3: I think it's easy to talk.

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Speaker 2: About that than it is to talk about our partner

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Speaker 2: or spouses problems, like we often keep that stuff locked away.

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Speaker 2: But the kids, it's almost like it's fair gay. We

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Speaker 2: can say whatever we want about them, and I hear

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Speaker 2: people bag their kids out all the time. We've got

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Speaker 2: to honor the relationship. We've got to honor the kids.

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Speaker 2: And as we focus on the goodness that they have

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Speaker 2: and we share that goodness, I think that makes a

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Speaker 2: big difference.

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Speaker 4: I think as they get older, it becomes even more and.

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Speaker 3: More important too, right, yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 4: You know the challenges that you have with them as

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Speaker 4: they become teenagers and into early adulthood, it becomes their story,

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Speaker 4: and I think it's really important at that point that

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Speaker 4: we honor their story and their ability to tell their

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Speaker 4: story well.

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Speaker 2: And it's pretty tempting even for you and I to

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Speaker 2: jump on the podcast and say, hey, here's this thing

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Speaker 2: that happened with one of our kids the other day.

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Speaker 2: We want to tell you all about it so we

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Speaker 2: can talk about how to resolve these issues if you're

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Speaker 2: having them.

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Speaker 3: But we often don't.

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Speaker 2: We keep a lot We keep most of the stuff

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Speaker 2: that happens in our family private because we don't want

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Speaker 2: to talk about our kids in ways that might make people.

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Speaker 3: Think ill of them.

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Speaker 2: They're amazing kids, but gee, say stuff up their drivers mad.

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Speaker 2: So that honoring the relationship, honoring the other person, only

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Speaker 2: speaking kindly about them, complementing them regularly important for our

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Speaker 2: kids as well as for our spouse or partner.

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Speaker 4: And then number four was having positive illusions, that idea

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Speaker 4: of wearing rose colored glasses, recognizing the positives even when

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Speaker 4: sometimes maybe.

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Speaker 3: It's it's not easy to see. So here are the

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Speaker 3: next three.

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Speaker 2: I reckon, if you want to have really great relationships,

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Speaker 2: you need to attune yourself.

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Speaker 3: That's an emotional attunement.

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Speaker 2: It's about empathy, the idea that when somebody is having

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Speaker 2: a hard time, we don't dismiss their emotion. We don't

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Speaker 2: get all disapproving and frustrated to the fact that they're

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Speaker 2: having an emotion. We try to align our emotional state

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Speaker 2: with theirs.

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Speaker 3: We try to step into their.

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Speaker 2: Emotional world and say, wow, this is really hard for

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Speaker 2: you right now you're struggling, like just honoring the emotional world,

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Speaker 2: validating the emotional experience of our kids or our partner.

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Speaker 2: I don't know that there's too many more powerful ways

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Speaker 2: that we can honor the relationship and make the relationship healthier.

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Speaker 2: The great Stephen R. Covey, who died a few years

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Speaker 2: ago now wrote The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

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Speaker 2: In that book says, the greatest human need is to

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Speaker 2: be Do you know what the last word is understood? Yes,

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Speaker 2: the greatest human need is to be understood. It's not

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Speaker 2: to be loved, it's not even to be trusted, it's

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Speaker 2: to be understood. Greatest human need to be understood. And

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Speaker 2: so if we want to have healthy relationships, meeting that need.

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Speaker 2: Helping people around us to feel understood is vitally important.

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Speaker 2: When our kids feel understood, all the craziness that's going

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Speaker 2: on in their brains calms down.

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Speaker 3: They open up to us, They're willing to share with us.

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Speaker 3: It's a beautiful thing.

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Speaker 2: So that would be my fifth of seven habits to

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Speaker 2: make relationships healthier.

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Speaker 3: What's number six? Number six is a really simple one.

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Speaker 3: No name calling.

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Speaker 4: Oh, this is a pet peeve of mine. I really

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Speaker 4: really hate name calling.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, when a parent calls a childer name, when a

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Speaker 2: parent calls, and you might add swearing as well, don't

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Speaker 2: swear at each other like when kids call each other names.

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Speaker 2: The word that I think of when I think of

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Speaker 2: name calling is contempt It's such a contemptuous thing. It's

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Speaker 2: like you've got this hybrid of thinking that you're better

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Speaker 2: than the other person, being angry and frustrated with them.

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Speaker 2: It's just a horrible thing to do. And we've all

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Speaker 2: had our moments with that, and some of us struggle

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Speaker 2: with it.

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Speaker 3: More than others.

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Speaker 2: But if we really want to have healthy relationships, we've

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Speaker 2: got to remove the name calling and the swearing, that

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Speaker 2: horrible accusatory orientation towards another person.

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Speaker 4: And number seven is forgive.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, we've got to be able to get past stuff.

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Speaker 2: It's necessary for healthy relationships. Now, I want to put

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Speaker 2: a caveat in here, well, forgiveness is important. That doesn't

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Speaker 2: necessarily mean that we allow and continue to allow inappropriate

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Speaker 2: forms of behavior. If behavior is toxic, if behavior is harmful,

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Speaker 2: we can forgive the person but not allow that behavior

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Speaker 2: to continue. We leave the relationship, we create interventions, we

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Speaker 2: get help. So I want to highlight that forgiveness doesn't

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Speaker 2: mean that we become a doormat. Forgiveness means is that

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Speaker 2: we say you're in this place, this is what you

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Speaker 2: think is okay. I'm not okay with you doing that.

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Speaker 2: I forgive you for it, but I'm still going to

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Speaker 2: have healthy boundaries so that this doesn't continue. But forgiveness

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Speaker 2: is necessary for healthy relationships. I believe it. The research

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Speaker 2: supports it. It's necessary.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I think when it comes to forgiveness, the person

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Speaker 4: who benefits from the forgiveness most is ourselves. We stop

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Speaker 4: carrying around the baggage that accompanies whatever has happened that

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Speaker 4: requires forgiveness. We stop carrying the anger, the hurt. We

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Speaker 4: actually are able to let go of that.

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Speaker 2: In so doing, we also give the relationship the room

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Speaker 2: that it needs to breathe, even if the relationship's over.

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Speaker 2: Like let's say it's an adult to adult relationship and

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Speaker 2: it's a coparing situation. You might forgive your ex for

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Speaker 2: all of the trauma or the drama, all of the

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Speaker 2: bad stuff that happened, but you, through that forgiveness, then

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Speaker 2: have the capacity to have an ongoing healthy relationship with

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Speaker 2: them with the appropriate boundaries in place. As you share

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Speaker 2: care and custody of children, for example, forgiveness will lubricate

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Speaker 2: and ease the interactions that you have.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, and hopefully help you to create new boundaries.

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Speaker 2: So there are seven things for healthy relationships with your

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Speaker 2: kids and even with each other. Make sure you laugh,

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Speaker 2: make sure you make time harbor those positive illusions with

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Speaker 2: those rose colored glasses.

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Speaker 3: Honor, Honor the other person even when they're not present.

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Speaker 4: Attune your emotions with the other.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, make sure that you don't engage in name calling

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Speaker 2: or swearing or contemptuous behavior, and forgive. After the break,

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Speaker 2: we're going to talk about three things that apply specifically

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Speaker 2: to adult relationships if we want to have.

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Speaker 3: Healthy interactions and relationships together. Dads are pretty awesome, just

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Speaker 3: ask me Today.

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Speaker 2: More dads are more involved with their children's lives than

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Speaker 2: ever before, and research shows that their children are really

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Speaker 2: benefiting from it.

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Speaker 3: But too often.

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Speaker 2: Dads don't realize just how vital they really are. In

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Speaker 2: the Dadding done Right webinar, join me, is I examine

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Speaker 2: how dads can be a fantastic support, the ideal role model,

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Speaker 2: and an excellent all round best dad ever. Check out

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Speaker 2: Dating Done Right at the Happy Family's webshop.

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Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants answers Now. Three things to

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Speaker 4: help with adult relationships.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, this is specifically for partners and spouses.

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Speaker 2: Something that I was thinking about As we were putting

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Speaker 2: this well version one of the podcast together, I thought,

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Speaker 2: I know most of this is about kids, it applies

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Speaker 2: to adults as well, but I want to do something

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Speaker 2: specifically for people who are in couple relationships and they're together.

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Speaker 2: And these probably aren't the kinds of things that you

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Speaker 2: might have expected me to say, but I'm going to

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Speaker 2: check them out there and see what you think. Number One,

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Speaker 2: if you want to have a healthy relationship with your

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Speaker 2: partner or spouse, flirt. I like that one, Yeah, baby,

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Speaker 2: And what I mean by that is, well, you know

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Speaker 2: what flut means. But send each other text messages that

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Speaker 2: are a little bit flirty, a little bit of a tease,

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Speaker 2: show each other that you're thinking of one another when

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Speaker 2: you walk past each other in the kitchen, squeeze each

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Speaker 2: other's bum, or anything else that the other person is

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Speaker 2: okay with. Like flirt, talk about and tease, what's coming up,

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Speaker 2: what you're looking forward to together, talk.

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Speaker 3: About intimacy, and really enjoy that. Find the flame. Flirt.

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Speaker 2: And if you're not comfortable sending flirty text messages via

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Speaker 2: a regular text there are apps that you can get

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Speaker 2: that will encrypt the text messages. They'll be password protected

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Speaker 2: and you can make things a little bit more private

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Speaker 2: and safe.

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Speaker 3: There are a range of apps that are out there

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Speaker 3: that can do that. Just do a Google around and

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Speaker 3: find them.

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Speaker 2: Some of them are a lot what would you call,

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Speaker 2: Some of them are a little bit morer rated.

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Speaker 3: Some of them are a.

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Speaker 2: Lot safer and not the kinds of things that are

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Speaker 2: going to get you into any trouble if anyone sees

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Speaker 2: the app. So just do a bit of a google.

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Speaker 2: But flirt, flirt, flirt, It's great for your relationship. I

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Speaker 2: should hasten to add, make sure that the flirting is

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Speaker 2: happening with your partner. When I say flirt a lot,

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Speaker 2: make sure you're flirting with the right person. I'm sorry,

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Speaker 2: just had to say that. Humor number two. So the

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Speaker 2: number two follows on from that and then extends into

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Speaker 2: what comes afterwards. I highlight that maybe you can pinch

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Speaker 2: one another's bums when you walk past each other in

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Speaker 2: the kitchen, or any other body part that is available

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Speaker 2: for pinching or squeezing, if your partner is okay with it.

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Speaker 2: And the second one is consent. If you've got a

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Speaker 2: partner who does not want you to engage with them

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Speaker 2: in a particular way, then you need to honor that.

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Speaker 2: I know some years ago I shared an idea about

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Speaker 2: flirting to keep the spice in your marital relationship or

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Speaker 2: your partner relationship on Facebook and mention the whole idea

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Speaker 2: that you and I've got.

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Speaker 3: I guess you'd call it a rule.

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Speaker 2: But when we walk past each other, we make sure

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Speaker 2: that we reach out and touch one another. It doesn't

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Speaker 2: have to be sexual, just a squeeze at the elbow

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Speaker 2: or an arm around the shoulder or something like that,

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Speaker 2: just to acknowledge that we've seen each other. And one

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Speaker 2: lady jumped into the Facebook comments said, oh my goodness,

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Speaker 2: if my husband did that, I would wrestle them to

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Speaker 2: the ground, Like, just leave me alone. I'm not here

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Speaker 2: to be touched all the time. Some people don't want

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Speaker 2: to be touched, they don't want to be flirted with,

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Speaker 2: or they've got preferences for how that occurs. And whether

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Speaker 2: you're in a long term relationship or not, the issue

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Speaker 2: of consent matters, whether it's consent for flirting, whether it's

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Speaker 2: consent for what might happen subsequent to flirting. It's really

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Speaker 2: important that you actually check in with each other consistently.

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Speaker 3: How do you feel about this? Is this okay? Would

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Speaker 3: you like more of that? Do you like that? Should

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Speaker 3: we stop this? Like make sure that you're always checking in.

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Speaker 2: And some people will say, all concerned, that's what we're

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Speaker 2: talking about here is probably not for young ears. So

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Speaker 2: if you haven't already switched it off because you've got

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Speaker 2: little kids in the car, if the little kids are

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Speaker 2: in the car, we're just going to talk about some

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Speaker 2: mature themes for a second.

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Speaker 3: The idea of consent.

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Speaker 2: Some people say it ruins the momentum, as if I'm

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Speaker 2: going to sit there and ask my partner of the

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Speaker 2: last fifteen years if it's okay if we do this thing. Well,

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Speaker 2: actually you do need to ask your partner of the

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Speaker 2: last fifteen years if it's okay if you do this

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Speaker 2: thing in that intimate moment. But it's how you do

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Speaker 2: it that matters. And you can do it with a

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Speaker 2: lot of fun. You can do it with a lot

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Speaker 2: of fluir, you can do it with a lot of sexy.

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Speaker 2: And so the BDSM community, the kink community, it's all

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Speaker 2: about consent. I mean, these are people and I know

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Speaker 2: that some people who listening to this may actually be

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Speaker 2: involved in this community, these people who use all kinds

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Speaker 2: of paraphernalia, they tie themselves up, they tie each other up.

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Speaker 2: There's all kinds of kink and BDSM behavior that could

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Speaker 2: be considered unsafe, and that's why they have things like

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Speaker 2: safe words. That's why they have things like consent conversations.

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Speaker 2: And I don't think that anybody's going to say that

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Speaker 2: people who are involved in that aren't having a good time.

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Speaker 2: They're not losing any momentum by making sure that consent

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Speaker 2: is present. Now, I know I've kind of gone a

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Speaker 2: little bit deep there, or off the deep end, but

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Speaker 2: I just want to emphasize the importance of consent in

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Speaker 2: our relationships. It's what makes relationships healthy, and it shows

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Speaker 2: honor and respect for your partner in the relationship.

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Speaker 4: It's one of the things that I value the most

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Speaker 4: in our relationship, knowing that my opinions and my thoughts

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Speaker 4: around all of this is respected and I can share

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Speaker 4: my opinions without feeling that there will be a fallout

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Speaker 4: as a result of it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, opinions, desires, preferences, it's all about consent. So flirt consent,

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Speaker 2: and the third thing to have healthy, happy relationships as

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Speaker 2: adults in a consenting intimate relationship is actually to keep

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Speaker 2: each other across where you're up to, where are you,

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Speaker 2: where are you going, who you're going with when we

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Speaker 2: be home? Like your partner is not your mum and

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Speaker 2: you're not thirteen anymore. I get that, But there's something

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Speaker 2: that shows consideration and respect for your partner when you say,

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Speaker 2: here's where I'm going, here's what I'm doing, here's when

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Speaker 2: i'll be home, here's hey you can contact me. It

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Speaker 2: highlights that there are no secrets. Everything's open, everything's transparent,

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Speaker 2: and it helps the relationship to stay healthy.

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Speaker 3: No secrets.

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Speaker 4: The only way this one really works, though, is when

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Speaker 4: you're both on the same page and you're both open

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Speaker 4: to sharing those things. If there's one person that's constantly asking.

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Speaker 3: Going, what are you doing.

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Speaker 4: Information, then you feel like you've been kept tabs on.

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Speaker 4: But if you're both on the same page and recognize that,

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Speaker 4: it's just respectful.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: You know, if you're.

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Speaker 4: Staying with somebody, you don't leave the house and not

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Speaker 4: tell them what time you're going to be home because

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Speaker 4: they don't know whether it cooked dinner for you, or

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Speaker 4: you know whether or not to keep a light on

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Speaker 4: or keep the door unlocked. All of those kinds of things.

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Speaker 4: It's just respectful.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, consideration of the other person. That's really what it

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Speaker 2: comes down to. Can we be selfless rather than selfish?

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Speaker 2: Can we involve the other person in our lives? Tell

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Speaker 2: them what's going on. So we really hope that you've

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Speaker 2: enjoyed this podcast. We've had fun putting it together. The

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Speaker 2: Habits of Healthy Relationships. Thanks so much for listening. We

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Speaker 2: are so grateful that you are participating in what we

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Speaker 2: do with Happy Families and specifically with this podcast.

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Speaker 3: If there's any habits.

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Speaker 2: Of healthy relationships that you would love to share with us,

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Speaker 2: please let us know. You can send us a voice

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Speaker 2: memo podcasts at happy families dot com dot you. We

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Speaker 2: want to share those voice memos on some subsequent episodes

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Speaker 2: of the Happy Families podcast, So please get in touch

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Speaker 2: podcasts at happy families dot com, dot you, and hey,

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Speaker 2: while we're being a little bit technical, if you're loving

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Speaker 2: the podcast, can you jump onto Apple Podcasts and leave

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Speaker 2: us a rating and review. Those five star ratings and

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Speaker 2: your reviews are what help Apple to know that they

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Speaker 2: should tell other people about the podcast. The Happy Families

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Speaker 2: podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig

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Speaker 2: Bruce is our executive producer, and if you'd like more

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Speaker 2: info about making your family happier, we'd love for you

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Speaker 2: to join us at Happy families dot com dot a

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Speaker 2: you