1 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:08,480 Speaker 1: Hello, this is the Happy Families Podcast. Oh my goodness, 2 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:09,920 Speaker 1: it's the first of December. 3 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:11,680 Speaker 2: Marry Christmas. 4 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,520 Speaker 1: You have felt the animal Christmas. It's just I feel like 5 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,759 Speaker 1: minutes away. I mean it's a couple of weeks to 6 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:21,599 Speaker 1: go yet, but the energy is ramping up. The Christmas 7 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:24,520 Speaker 1: spirit is building and that also means that there's a 8 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:29,280 Speaker 1: whole lot of Christmas emotions. Today we address the reality 9 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,560 Speaker 1: that Christmas is not always joyful. Sometimes the kids aren't 10 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:38,560 Speaker 1: able to navigate disappointment, over stimulation, exhaustion, grief and anxiety 11 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:40,960 Speaker 1: and changes in routine. Oh sorry, that was the kids, 12 00:00:41,159 --> 00:00:44,199 Speaker 1: and then there's the parents as well. Today on the 13 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:47,440 Speaker 1: Happy Families Podcast, we help you to navigate big Christmas 14 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:53,600 Speaker 1: emotions the whole spectrum and share two massive Christmas blow 15 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,760 Speaker 1: ups that we've experienced so that you can learn not 16 00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:07,160 Speaker 1: to do what we've done. Stay with us. It's The 17 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:10,319 Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast, Real Parenting Solutions. Every single day on 18 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:13,560 Speaker 1: Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast, we are justin and Kylie 19 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,839 Speaker 1: full Some Christmas is here. The Christmas spirit is alive 20 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:20,760 Speaker 1: and well. The Christmas energy is booming, and Kylie, it's 21 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,880 Speaker 1: time to talk about Christmas and the big emotions that 22 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:24,600 Speaker 1: come along with it. 23 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:28,920 Speaker 2: I was just thinking about big emotions and I had 24 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:32,080 Speaker 2: a doozy. A couple of years ago, we had just 25 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:33,920 Speaker 2: moved into a new house and we thought it would 26 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:37,000 Speaker 2: be great to put on a neighborhood Christmas party. And 27 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:40,399 Speaker 2: when we looked at the dates available, we kind of 28 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,880 Speaker 2: with a few neighbours input decided that the twenty third 29 00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,920 Speaker 2: was perfect. Everyone would be, you know, finished with their year, 30 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,200 Speaker 2: everyone's around. Let's do it on the twenty third because 31 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:52,080 Speaker 2: we'll get everybody there. And we pretty much. 32 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:55,080 Speaker 1: Had the whole neighbor streets. 33 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:57,000 Speaker 2: In our backyard and it was fantastic. It was real. 34 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:59,560 Speaker 2: It was such a beautiful night. It was and I 35 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:02,120 Speaker 2: would have to do it again. But it took me 36 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:06,080 Speaker 2: about a week to get over it. And come Christmas Day, 37 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:10,080 Speaker 2: there was nothing left. There was nothing left in the tank. 38 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,280 Speaker 2: And I literally looked at the family and I said, 39 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:14,919 Speaker 2: there's leftovers in the fridge from two nights ago. That's 40 00:02:14,919 --> 00:02:17,360 Speaker 2: what we're eating. Like, I am not cooking. I'm not 41 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,960 Speaker 2: even getting out of my pajamas today. 42 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,000 Speaker 1: So it's nothing that there was a lot of emotion. 43 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:24,360 Speaker 1: It was that there was just an inability to function. 44 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,600 Speaker 1: There was just the exhaustion that happens to some of 45 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:29,840 Speaker 1: us at that Christmas season because we'd tried it so. 46 00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:30,880 Speaker 2: Much so I'm getting old. 47 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:34,400 Speaker 1: There's that happening as well. I know, the kids. 48 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:37,640 Speaker 2: Jump on our bed at two early o'clock and like, 49 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:39,600 Speaker 2: can you just let us have another hour sleep? 50 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,560 Speaker 1: There was another one that comes to mind for me. 51 00:02:41,919 --> 00:02:44,960 Speaker 1: It's been an unfortunate one. We were a big Christmas gathering. 52 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,960 Speaker 1: A family member lost the plot. There was lots of swearing, 53 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:51,720 Speaker 1: there was lots of abusive language thrown towards plenty of 54 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:56,600 Speaker 1: adults and specifically the children, specifically a couple of our children. Big, big, 55 00:02:56,639 --> 00:02:59,160 Speaker 1: big emotions. So today we want to talk about what 56 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,799 Speaker 1: to do when the are either not there at all, 57 00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:03,919 Speaker 1: or when the emotions are too big, or incidentally, when 58 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,959 Speaker 1: that sort of thing happens, you just get out of 59 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,840 Speaker 1: the way. There's no point trying high emotions all intelligence. 60 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:12,600 Speaker 1: Like when somebody is that angry and that upset, you're 61 00:03:12,639 --> 00:03:13,639 Speaker 1: not going to be able to say, hey, you know what, 62 00:03:13,639 --> 00:03:15,960 Speaker 1: it's Christmas, why don't we sing a song, let's talk 63 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,679 Speaker 1: I'm grateful for Yeah, that's not going to happen. We 64 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:21,000 Speaker 1: wish you marry Christmas, and we're all leaving right now. 65 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:24,720 Speaker 1: But I've dotted down a bunch of notes and we 66 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:26,920 Speaker 1: thought we'd flip the script today. You don't even know what. 67 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,440 Speaker 1: I don't know if you can read my writing, but 68 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,920 Speaker 1: you're going to interview me about my best ideas for 69 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:34,240 Speaker 1: how to navigate the big emotions that can come with Christmas. 70 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:36,040 Speaker 1: Or you can throw my notes away and talk about 71 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:38,640 Speaker 1: whatever you want. But I figured that I've got good notes, 72 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 1: and I wanted to be helpful. 73 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,560 Speaker 2: I'm so glad you think you've got good notes, because 74 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:43,840 Speaker 2: I cannot read them. 75 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 1: I'm a doctor. No one can read doctors. 76 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:48,280 Speaker 2: Okay, let's see you've got no one's born knowing. 77 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:51,080 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, so no one's born knowing how to regulate emotions. 78 00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:53,000 Speaker 1: And so we need to remember that, especially when the 79 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:55,080 Speaker 1: kids are losing it, Especially when the kids have had 80 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:56,800 Speaker 1: a lack of sleep. They've been hyped up because this 81 00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,200 Speaker 1: is the most exciting day of the year. They know, 82 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,160 Speaker 1: they're seeing their cousins, their grandparents, they're they're friends there 83 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,440 Speaker 1: whoever it is that they're going to be spending time 84 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:06,880 Speaker 1: with emotion regulation, the ability to either turn up or 85 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:09,360 Speaker 1: turn down your emotions appropriately for the context, in harmony 86 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,680 Speaker 1: with your long term goals. Well, kids don't have long 87 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:14,520 Speaker 1: term goals. It's Christmas. Christmas is the goal, full stop, 88 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,920 Speaker 1: end of story, and enjoying every moment of it is 89 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:21,800 Speaker 1: what this sort of their goal is. So the idea 90 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,400 Speaker 1: that our children are going to be emotionally regulated, really 91 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,880 Speaker 1: well regulated on Christmas Day in some ways it's kind 92 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 1: of a developmentally inappropriate expectation, but. 93 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:33,920 Speaker 2: It's not also about the development. It's the acknowledgment that 94 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:38,640 Speaker 2: we let them stay up really late on Christmas sugar 95 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,720 Speaker 2: they have sugar first thing in the morning because that's 96 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,680 Speaker 2: in their stockings. And then they've just got this day 97 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:46,839 Speaker 2: of indulgence, and we wonder why they fall apart and 98 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,440 Speaker 2: lose the plot. We don't set them up for success. 99 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:54,000 Speaker 1: In fact, you've just reminded me. You know the marshmallow experiment. 100 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:57,000 Speaker 1: Walter Michelle, just down the road from Stanford, at the 101 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,880 Speaker 1: little preschool there back in the I think it was 102 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:02,359 Speaker 1: the I think it was the seventies, Walt to Michelle 103 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,720 Speaker 1: did this experiment that became world famous, and basically he 104 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,760 Speaker 1: stuck a marshmallow in front of some kids and said, hey, 105 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,240 Speaker 1: you can have this now or in ten minutes time 106 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:10,800 Speaker 1: when I come back from my little walk because I've 107 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:12,360 Speaker 1: got to go and do something. You can have two. 108 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,120 Speaker 1: He didn't tell them how long it would be, but 109 00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,160 Speaker 1: he was gone for about ten or twelve minutes. And 110 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:18,800 Speaker 1: what he found, or what most people say, is that 111 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,040 Speaker 1: the kids who had the highest levels of self control, 112 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:23,760 Speaker 1: they got the extra marshmallow, but they also did better 113 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,640 Speaker 1: later in life. And so a lot of people are like, well, 114 00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:27,840 Speaker 1: we've just got to teach kids to be controlled, like 115 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:30,640 Speaker 1: kids need to learn self control, and that's partly true. 116 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:33,600 Speaker 2: Like this, how many adults do you know have absolute 117 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:35,679 Speaker 2: control over theirselves? 118 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:38,320 Speaker 1: It's a really big jake, especially on Christmas Day when 119 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,080 Speaker 1: they're stressed out and they've been cooking all day, or 120 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,040 Speaker 1: maybe they've had a few too many wines or whatever, 121 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:44,360 Speaker 1: and all I've had to deal. 122 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:47,520 Speaker 2: With that person that they just really struggling hard with. 123 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:50,400 Speaker 1: So the science here is that what Michelle really found 124 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:52,800 Speaker 1: was that it wasn't about the kids and their individual 125 00:05:52,839 --> 00:05:56,120 Speaker 1: characteristics and attributes. What it was is what they did 126 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:59,080 Speaker 1: to make the situation tolerable and bearable. So some of 127 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,240 Speaker 1: them started to play games. They played games in their mind, 128 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,839 Speaker 1: or they sang themselves songs, or they did other things, 129 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,839 Speaker 1: which meant that the environment was much more amenable to 130 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:10,279 Speaker 1: passing the time, not focusing on the marshmallow, and therefore 131 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:14,200 Speaker 1: being more quote unquote self controlled. If we want our 132 00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:16,160 Speaker 1: children to be able to regulate themselves, well then we've 133 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,880 Speaker 1: got to create environments that are conducive to regulation. 134 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,320 Speaker 2: So a hand well, it's not even a handful of 135 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:24,960 Speaker 2: years ago. Now we're talking maybe fifteen again. 136 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,520 Speaker 1: You make me sound very ill, you're dating this. Thank 137 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 1: you for that. So fifteen years ago, when. 138 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,040 Speaker 2: Our kids were much younger, we realized that this was 139 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:36,280 Speaker 2: a really big struggle staying up super late and then 140 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:39,080 Speaker 2: waking up first thing in the morning, and our days 141 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,280 Speaker 2: were just ratty. 142 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, Christmas was horrible. 143 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:45,120 Speaker 2: And you had actually read about this. 144 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:46,680 Speaker 1: Jack a book of flood. I don't know how to 145 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:48,680 Speaker 1: say it properly, and I probably mispronounced it right then. 146 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:51,960 Speaker 1: But it's a North European I think it was Finish 147 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:56,960 Speaker 1: or a Scandinavian. It's a Nordic. I don't know, it's ours. 148 00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:01,520 Speaker 2: That's all I know. We do now tradition. But we 149 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:05,159 Speaker 2: started gifting the kids one book and a block of 150 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:09,640 Speaker 2: chocolate on Christmas Eve, and the excitement for them was 151 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,000 Speaker 2: there were no rules about how long they could stay 152 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:15,480 Speaker 2: up reading and so that was their late night. But inevitably, 153 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:18,160 Speaker 2: you're lying in bed, you're reading a book, and for 154 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:21,520 Speaker 2: the most part, it's a really quiet night. Even if 155 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:24,680 Speaker 2: they do stay up, it's a really quiet, subdued night 156 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,200 Speaker 2: for them, and more times than not they actually fall 157 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:30,559 Speaker 2: asleep way earlier than they would had you have said 158 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:31,560 Speaker 2: you have to go to bed. 159 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:33,560 Speaker 1: Set the kids off for successmorre find you. It has 160 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:35,760 Speaker 1: its disadvantages, right, I mean, it's really fun on Christmas 161 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,920 Speaker 1: Eve to stay up late and wrap presents and play 162 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,120 Speaker 1: games and talk. And we're not saying. 163 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:40,800 Speaker 2: That he's doing that. 164 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:42,840 Speaker 1: Well, maybe we could do that this year. I'm just 165 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:47,080 Speaker 1: saying anyway, my first whole, my first point that you've 166 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,320 Speaker 1: oh my goodness, like we've spent four hours talking about 167 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:52,080 Speaker 1: it already, is that no one is born knowing how 168 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:55,080 Speaker 1: to regulate their emotions, and this is something that develops 169 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:57,600 Speaker 1: over time. We've got to give our children, we. 170 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,720 Speaker 2: Actually just need to set them up for success. Talked 171 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:03,800 Speaker 2: and talked and talked to a sample. Simple fact. 172 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:05,880 Speaker 1: Let them be kids, and let them be dysregulated because 173 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:08,640 Speaker 1: it's the most exciting day of the year for most kids. 174 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,680 Speaker 2: That's the worst advice ever. 175 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:13,480 Speaker 1: I don't have a problem with it. We're getting the 176 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,440 Speaker 1: more I'm into that, and I wish we hadn't. Ye, 177 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:18,280 Speaker 1: it's because it's not yours. It's worried out of stuff 178 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:19,680 Speaker 1: going on. I know, it's so much fun. 179 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:23,720 Speaker 2: You get to send them home. You're the worst. Okay. 180 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:25,480 Speaker 2: It says you're not a therapist. 181 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:29,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, isn't any order. No, I just so 182 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,600 Speaker 1: you're not a therapist. What I mean about that? We've 183 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:35,240 Speaker 1: made emotions king in twenty twenty five. We just treat 184 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:38,280 Speaker 1: our children's emotions like the most important things ever. Emotions 185 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,120 Speaker 1: give us some data. They give our kids some data. 186 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,040 Speaker 1: But emotions are pretty big liars. Emotions are really myopic. 187 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:45,160 Speaker 1: We just focused on what's right in front of us. 188 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:49,400 Speaker 1: That's what emotions do. They really shrink and narrow a 189 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:51,560 Speaker 1: field of vision, so all we can do is think 190 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,360 Speaker 1: about the thing that's right in front of us. That's 191 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:54,120 Speaker 1: what happens when. 192 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,960 Speaker 2: Your next note there, you've actually said they're real, but 193 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,000 Speaker 2: they're not always right. 194 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,360 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's right. Yeah, So we kind of let's say 195 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,160 Speaker 1: we're getting upset about something we don't see the full picture. 196 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:07,680 Speaker 1: We become rigid and inflexible in our thinking. That pushes 197 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:10,080 Speaker 1: our emotions up even higher. We start to think faster, 198 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:13,320 Speaker 1: which means we don't process as effectively, and therefore what 199 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:16,640 Speaker 1: ends up happening is we have these massive explosions because 200 00:09:16,679 --> 00:09:20,079 Speaker 1: we are so convinced that we are right. What was 201 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:21,920 Speaker 1: the thing that I wrote? Again, emotions are king? Is 202 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:22,360 Speaker 1: that what I wrote? 203 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:22,679 Speaker 2: Yeah? 204 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:25,199 Speaker 1: Yeah, emotions, So we make emotions king. Oh, and you're 205 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:27,600 Speaker 1: not a therapist. But then parents see their kids having 206 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,959 Speaker 1: a big emotion, and parents have become increasingly uncomfortable with 207 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,200 Speaker 1: their children having emotions because everyone's supposed to be happy 208 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,440 Speaker 1: all the time. Apparently not true, but that's what we 209 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:37,000 Speaker 1: seem to believe in society today. So when our kids 210 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,559 Speaker 1: are getting upset because we want to be wonderful gentle 211 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,839 Speaker 1: parents or attachment parents or whatever parents we're supposed to 212 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:43,839 Speaker 1: be according to the latest bad, what we do is 213 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,880 Speaker 1: we start to get very uncomfortable those emotions because it 214 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,559 Speaker 1: means that our child isn't doing well. We just want 215 00:09:47,559 --> 00:09:49,360 Speaker 1: them to do well, especially on Christmas Day because it's 216 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,600 Speaker 1: such a special day and Therefore, we step in and 217 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:54,439 Speaker 1: start to therapeutically respond to our children's emotions. We sit 218 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,840 Speaker 1: down and say, oh, it looks like you're feeling so awful, 219 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:58,240 Speaker 1: and why don't you tell me all about it? And 220 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:00,480 Speaker 1: we make the emotions even bigger by stepping into that. Now, 221 00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,720 Speaker 1: sometimes it will work, but often it won't. What we 222 00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:04,839 Speaker 1: usually do is we end up pandering to our children. 223 00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:06,840 Speaker 1: We end up making ourselves and everyone else around us 224 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:10,680 Speaker 1: miserable as well, because we've elevated emotions to a level 225 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:14,120 Speaker 1: that they don't deserve. So what I would generally say is, well, 226 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:17,680 Speaker 1: emotions are important, and they do matter. They are not king, 227 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,679 Speaker 1: and we are not therapists. And by the way, if 228 00:10:19,679 --> 00:10:21,960 Speaker 1: you are listening to this podcast and you are a therapist, 229 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,160 Speaker 1: you're not your child's therapist. And they don't want you 230 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:25,960 Speaker 1: to be that, right, They want you to be their parent. 231 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,920 Speaker 1: So usually when child's having a really big emotion on 232 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:30,079 Speaker 1: Christmas Day. 233 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:33,040 Speaker 2: We use the timeout theory all the time in our house. 234 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, go ahead, because everyone knows that I'm anti timeout, 235 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:37,600 Speaker 1: So you're making me nervous the fact that you've even 236 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:38,040 Speaker 1: said that. 237 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,080 Speaker 2: We put ourselves in time out. The kids do it 238 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:43,880 Speaker 2: as well, they're having a meltdown and they're just like, 239 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,839 Speaker 2: I need some space, I need some time. And it's 240 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,559 Speaker 2: amazing what a handful of minutes in your own space 241 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:54,520 Speaker 2: to just self selectricy, self regulate makes all the difference. 242 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,880 Speaker 1: So I guess that's my second piece of advice is 243 00:10:57,880 --> 00:10:59,600 Speaker 1: don't make a big deal about your kids emotions. Don't 244 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,360 Speaker 1: try to be therapist. Just say, oh, yeah, I know, 245 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:03,000 Speaker 1: it's really hard, isn't it. And every now and again 246 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,719 Speaker 1: you want to say what do you want me to do? 247 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:06,440 Speaker 1: Like when the kids come to you and they're really 248 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:09,440 Speaker 1: upset because my brother this or my sister that. Instead 249 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,319 Speaker 1: of saying, well that's fine, I'll go and fix it, 250 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,720 Speaker 1: just look them and say, I know that's really rough. 251 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:16,680 Speaker 1: That's really tough, isn't it. What do you want me 252 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:17,000 Speaker 1: to do? 253 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:20,520 Speaker 2: I'm just thinking what it must have been like to 254 00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:25,800 Speaker 2: be a teacher before computers were invented. Because you're scribble here, 255 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,000 Speaker 2: it looks like a triangle. 256 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,640 Speaker 1: That's just high E motions, low intelligence. So that's the 257 00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:31,839 Speaker 1: way that I write high motions low intelligence. Right, So 258 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:36,760 Speaker 1: there's the X and Y axis and the horizontal negative line, 259 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,720 Speaker 1: sorry not horizontal, the sloping negative line. It just means 260 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,760 Speaker 1: that when your emotions are higher, intelligence is low. 261 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:43,360 Speaker 2: What's the glitteragen, the glitiger? 262 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:45,439 Speaker 1: Oh, I'm going to tell you that right after break 263 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,680 Speaker 1: Welcome Back, it's the Happy Families podcast. What's the glitterger? 264 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,920 Speaker 1: So I got this brilliant metaphor from doctor Lisa de Moore. 265 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:01,120 Speaker 1: We were doing an Instagram together one time and it 266 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:02,920 Speaker 1: just was like, oh, we need to talk about this 267 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:07,760 Speaker 1: emotional thing, and she said, emotions. Your brain on emotions 268 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,920 Speaker 1: is like a snow globe or a glitter jar that's 269 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,679 Speaker 1: just been shaken up. You know, when you shake up 270 00:12:14,679 --> 00:12:17,280 Speaker 1: the snow globe, you can't see everything clearly. You try 271 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,520 Speaker 1: to look through it, but there's all the snow buzzing 272 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:23,000 Speaker 1: around or the glitter settling, And if you give it 273 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:24,839 Speaker 1: enough time, it starts to settle and you can see 274 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:26,720 Speaker 1: more clearly. And if you give it long enough, then 275 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:30,640 Speaker 1: everything settles and you can see the entire panorama, diorama 276 00:12:30,679 --> 00:12:32,240 Speaker 1: or whatever you want to call it. You can see everything. 277 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:33,840 Speaker 1: And so I wrote the glitter jar down just as 278 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,520 Speaker 1: a reminder that if your children are having a big 279 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:39,160 Speaker 1: emotion right now, that's fine. Their brain's pretty fizzy and 280 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,520 Speaker 1: you're not going to be able to see clearly, and 281 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:42,280 Speaker 1: neither a day. But if you give it a little 282 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:44,079 Speaker 1: bit of time, give it five minutes, give it ten minutes. 283 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:45,760 Speaker 1: Not as a punishment, not as a time out, but 284 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,719 Speaker 1: just everyone's pretty emotional right now, let's just take a 285 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:50,840 Speaker 1: little breather. In five or ten minutes, all the glitter 286 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,480 Speaker 1: starts to settle in the bottom of the jar, or 287 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,760 Speaker 1: all the snow starts to settle at the bottom of 288 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,199 Speaker 1: Santa's runway, or whatever it is that you're looking at. 289 00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:58,960 Speaker 1: Now you can see the problem a little bit better. 290 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,400 Speaker 1: You can say, we've got a bit of a problem 291 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,480 Speaker 1: to solve, so let's work this out, get the kids 292 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:04,440 Speaker 1: to figure out an answer, and then they're on their way. 293 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:08,440 Speaker 1: Like usually, big emotions on Christmas Day, especially, they don't 294 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:11,000 Speaker 1: last for more than five minutes. They don't last longer. 295 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:15,000 Speaker 2: There's a lot of distraction that works in our favor. 296 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:19,720 Speaker 1: Massive benefit. Like people underplay the benefit of distraction when people, 297 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:23,319 Speaker 1: especially young kids, when they're emotional, disess. 298 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,920 Speaker 2: The trick is recognizing and understanding that emotions are contagious 299 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:31,160 Speaker 2: and that if we can keep our calm when our 300 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,440 Speaker 2: kids are having a meltdown, that we've got a better 301 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,199 Speaker 2: chance of actually helping by coregulating. 302 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,240 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, so this gets tricky as well. You and 303 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:41,240 Speaker 1: I are not drinkers. We don't really have alcohol at 304 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,439 Speaker 1: all on our well, I mean we don't have alcohol 305 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,320 Speaker 1: in our family, but even in our extended family it 306 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:48,439 Speaker 1: barely exists. Right, But I've heard so many horror stories 307 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:52,680 Speaker 1: and alcohol and emotions can be very, very tricky. So 308 00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:56,280 Speaker 1: you may be feeling a little bit tipsy, or maybe 309 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:59,240 Speaker 1: Uncle Frank's had a few too many, and then somebody 310 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:03,040 Speaker 1: says something of somebody does something, and there's that myopia again, 311 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:08,040 Speaker 1: there's that short, sharp instant reaction and somebody says something 312 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,680 Speaker 1: in response, and all of a sudden it starts to escalate. 313 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:16,040 Speaker 1: The emotions are contagious. Alcohol makes them even more so, 314 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,319 Speaker 1: So I guess just a quick reminder. I'm not going 315 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,040 Speaker 1: to get all preaching and beyond a soapbox here, but 316 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:23,680 Speaker 1: being mindful of alcohol consumption intake and who's drinking what 317 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,880 Speaker 1: and where and where the kids are and where the 318 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:28,280 Speaker 1: conversation is going, making sure that there's at least one 319 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:32,120 Speaker 1: or two people who are able to redirect either people 320 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,200 Speaker 1: or conversations where necessary that can definitely help to keep 321 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:36,120 Speaker 1: emotions in check. 322 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,920 Speaker 2: Okay, we've almost run out of time, but you've said 323 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,160 Speaker 2: you don't need to fix it. There's fantasy and time 324 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:44,800 Speaker 2: to process and problem solve. 325 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,080 Speaker 1: Okay, all right, so you don't need to fix it. 326 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:52,000 Speaker 1: This is probably my favorite emotion tip. When our kids 327 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,040 Speaker 1: have emotions, we feel as parents, and I kind of 328 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,120 Speaker 1: touched on this with the therapy idea, we feel like 329 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,080 Speaker 1: we need to help our kids to process their emotions 330 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,360 Speaker 1: and fix their emotions and deal with their emotional state 331 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:01,400 Speaker 1: the time. 332 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:04,680 Speaker 2: I'm just thinking about the times where the kids get 333 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:08,160 Speaker 2: cranky at me. More times than not, it's me coming 334 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,760 Speaker 2: in to defend one of their siblings who they've had 335 00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:11,520 Speaker 2: a falling out with. 336 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,360 Speaker 1: Yeah, or trying to just fix things. 337 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:17,560 Speaker 2: And the crazy thing is that if we just take 338 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,520 Speaker 2: a step back, more times than not, the storm either 339 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:24,880 Speaker 2: blows over or the kids actually work it out. Yeah. 340 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, And that's kind of what I'm getting at here. 341 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:27,800 Speaker 1: You don't need to fix it, you just need to 342 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:31,040 Speaker 1: give it time. I mean, kids go from being mortal 343 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:35,760 Speaker 1: enemies to best friends in ninety seconds. Sometimes they're playing 344 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,600 Speaker 1: a game at the dining table, they're swimming in the pool, 345 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,760 Speaker 1: they're riding their bikes, well, only gets upset at the 346 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:43,880 Speaker 1: other one. They blow up and I'm like, three minutes 347 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:47,120 Speaker 1: later they're playing again. They're fine. So you don't have 348 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:49,560 Speaker 1: to fix everything. You just have to let things settle, 349 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:52,160 Speaker 1: and sometimes you might have to solve help the kids 350 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,880 Speaker 1: to solve their own problems briefly, and then let it go. 351 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,040 Speaker 1: So that's the first one. The second one, give them 352 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,040 Speaker 1: in fantasy what they can't have in reality. I love 353 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:01,720 Speaker 1: talking about this. It's really simple. You just say to 354 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:04,360 Speaker 1: the kids when they're upset, don't you just wish that. 355 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:07,760 Speaker 2: Santa had God and use some rollerskates. 356 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:12,200 Speaker 1: Or wouldn't it be great if and then you finish 357 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,280 Speaker 1: the sentence with whatever it is that they're upset about, 358 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,400 Speaker 1: and what you're really saying is not going to happen. 359 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,760 Speaker 1: There's a clear boundary here. But also I get how 360 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:20,440 Speaker 1: hard this is, and that little bit of empathy, that 361 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:24,240 Speaker 1: little bit of compassion, it's incredible for acknowledging the emotion 362 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,760 Speaker 1: without having to be a therapist and without making it king. 363 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:31,840 Speaker 1: Could you imagine if Santa did do that? Wouldn't it 364 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:34,760 Speaker 1: be amazing if this was able to happen? Could you 365 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:36,840 Speaker 1: imagine how much fun we could have, Like if you. 366 00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:38,120 Speaker 2: Ate all the marshmallows. 367 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:40,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, we get to have this conversation about it, and 368 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:42,040 Speaker 1: the kids just sort of get caught up in and 369 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,360 Speaker 1: it feels nice. And then you say, I wish you 370 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:47,280 Speaker 1: could as well, and then you move on with the 371 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:49,280 Speaker 1: day and guess what, Every now and again, the kid's 372 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,400 Speaker 1: gonna have a little tanty and that's okay, it's not 373 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:52,560 Speaker 1: going to ruin Christmas. 374 00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:54,520 Speaker 2: I guess the last one that you've got on your 375 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,040 Speaker 2: list is low expectations. 376 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:59,560 Speaker 1: This is mye I just wrote that down to be funny. 377 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:03,400 Speaker 2: I think so often, especially as parents, we kind of 378 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:08,679 Speaker 2: create in our head the ideal perfect day, and the 379 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:12,280 Speaker 2: reality is family life is fluid and it's changing all 380 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:14,919 Speaker 2: the time, and there are so many moving parts and 381 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:18,840 Speaker 2: so many different people to kind of navigate and deal 382 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:22,440 Speaker 2: with that. The thought that we could actually control the 383 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,160 Speaker 2: day is a bit stupid, isn't it. 384 00:17:25,359 --> 00:17:28,040 Speaker 1: Just I mean, we're still we're still a couple of 385 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:32,160 Speaker 1: weeks away from Christmas, but just to make Christmas go well, 386 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,320 Speaker 1: low key, don't do too much, have low expectations. 387 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:38,240 Speaker 2: Well, as we were prepping for this, I was just 388 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:41,160 Speaker 2: kind of thinking about it, and I'm like, we we 389 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:45,640 Speaker 2: have such a nice Christmas Day because there we actually 390 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:49,159 Speaker 2: just live in the moment. We're not we don't we 391 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:53,280 Speaker 2: don't put on a big crazy meal. We don't. We 392 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,280 Speaker 2: don't get out of our pajamas. If we want to 393 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:56,639 Speaker 2: go for a swim, we go for a swim. If 394 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:57,600 Speaker 2: we want to go to the beach, we go to 395 00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:00,440 Speaker 2: the beach. But it's just however the day feeds. 396 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,840 Speaker 1: We've started doing Christmas with my family at the start 397 00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,480 Speaker 1: of December and with your family, I don't know, sort 398 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:09,040 Speaker 1: of mid December, and so it's just made life so 399 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,600 Speaker 1: easy on Christmas Day because we're literally at home. 400 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,000 Speaker 2: And get to do what we want to do. 401 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,360 Speaker 1: We get to do whatever we want to do. 402 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,720 Speaker 2: And the kids, the kids are crazy. They just like 403 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:19,720 Speaker 2: they just want to come and jump on our bed 404 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,840 Speaker 2: first in the morning so they can open their stockings together. Yeah, 405 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,080 Speaker 2: and just spend time playing games. 406 00:18:25,119 --> 00:18:26,360 Speaker 1: So you've got me looking forward to it. 407 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:27,600 Speaker 2: I can't wait. 408 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,840 Speaker 1: I'm pretty excited. Hey, we hope this helps you to 409 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:33,760 Speaker 1: have an emotionally stable. 410 00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:36,440 Speaker 2: I thought you were going to say an emotionally free. 411 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,359 Speaker 1: An emotion free Christmas. No, we want you to have 412 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,159 Speaker 1: emotions on Christmas. That will be important. You're so funny. 413 00:18:42,359 --> 00:18:44,560 Speaker 1: We hope that it helps you to have an emotionally 414 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:49,399 Speaker 1: stable Christmas Day. You're so funny and we can't wait 415 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,080 Speaker 1: to be with you again tomorrow as we unpacked. See 416 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:56,080 Speaker 1: what I did that unpack unpack like unwrapped, we can 417 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:59,320 Speaker 1: unwrap our last tricky question of the year. This one's 418 00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,800 Speaker 1: got a certain Christmas Us flavor to it. Actually wants 419 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:03,960 Speaker 1: to know what to do when cousins are coming over. 420 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,760 Speaker 1: But there's different values in the family and there's a 421 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,320 Speaker 1: little bit of a clash there. How do you navigate 422 00:19:08,359 --> 00:19:12,640 Speaker 1: the conflict and contention around that? That's on the podcast tomorrow. 423 00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:15,840 Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from 424 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,760 Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Mim Hammons provides research, admin and a whole 425 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,440 Speaker 1: lot of other support and if you would like more 426 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,880 Speaker 1: information or resources to make your family happier, you'll find 427 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:34,520 Speaker 1: it all at happy families dot com doda you