1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:02,960 Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families Podcast with doctor Justin Coolson, 2 00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:06,520 Speaker 1: the podcast for the time poor parent who just wants answers. Now, 3 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:08,520 Speaker 1: my name is Susie. I've got Luke with me as 4 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:11,200 Speaker 1: well here today, and today we're addressing a question that 5 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:14,000 Speaker 1: came through to our radio show about how to deal 6 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:17,160 Speaker 1: with bickering kids. Let's get into it. Let's ask this question. 7 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:19,320 Speaker 1: A question that came through to the show. Justin said, 8 00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:21,800 Speaker 1: how do I stop the kids bickering with each other 9 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:26,960 Speaker 1: and learning better communication with their siblings? So this is 10 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,600 Speaker 1: the question that was asked. My first question is is 11 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:30,440 Speaker 1: this a big deal? 12 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:34,360 Speaker 2: Well? Sometimes it is. It depends on the bickering. I 13 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:39,440 Speaker 2: mean everybody bickers, everybody niggles and gets on somebody else's nerves. 14 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:43,600 Speaker 3: Sus Sorry did I say that out loud? 15 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:44,280 Speaker 4: I didn't realize. 16 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:48,960 Speaker 2: Okay, what we're really talking about is poor communication, people 17 00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:51,560 Speaker 2: not having the maturity or the capacity to regulate themselves 18 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:55,120 Speaker 2: and communicate maturely. Susie. 19 00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:59,840 Speaker 1: But when our child is you know, five, six, seven, eight, 20 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:02,240 Speaker 1: should we expect them to communicate maturely? 21 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,600 Speaker 2: No, but we should teach them and guide them and 22 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:08,560 Speaker 2: help them because they actually want to, you know, like 23 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,640 Speaker 2: our kids want to get this right. They don't actually 24 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,840 Speaker 2: like it, contrary to what you might think. They don't 25 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,560 Speaker 2: like bickering with one another. They don't wake up in 26 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,240 Speaker 2: the morning and think, today is the day I'm going 27 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:20,160 Speaker 2: to get my brother back. Today is the day I'm 28 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,360 Speaker 2: going to call him all those names when Mum's not listening, 29 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:23,800 Speaker 2: and then I'm going to get him in trouble because 30 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:25,200 Speaker 2: he's going to beat me up and I'm going to win. 31 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:29,280 Speaker 2: That's not what they wake up thinking. They almost always 32 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:32,399 Speaker 2: want to be in great relationships with their siblings and 33 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:35,440 Speaker 2: with us, but they just don't have the skills. They 34 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,560 Speaker 2: don't have the maturity, They don't have the capacity to 35 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:40,399 Speaker 2: regulate their emotions. They don't know the things to say 36 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:42,840 Speaker 2: when they're stuck and having a hard time other than 37 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:45,160 Speaker 2: what they're taught at school. School does a better job 38 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:48,360 Speaker 2: often than parents of teaching. And what school usually teaches 39 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,600 Speaker 2: them to say is stop it. I don't like it. Yes, 40 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,400 Speaker 2: and you know what the big brother or the big 41 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:59,680 Speaker 2: sister says when the little one says that to them, 42 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:02,400 Speaker 2: So it's not particularly effective. 43 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:04,280 Speaker 4: That's that's what says to me too. 44 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,359 Speaker 1: So is the goal to stop the bickering. 45 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:15,520 Speaker 2: Then eventually it is. But the goal is perhaps less 46 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:18,880 Speaker 2: about stopping the bickering and more about teaching effective ways 47 00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:22,000 Speaker 2: to express what we're feeling. We're not going to stop 48 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:23,880 Speaker 2: a seven year old or a nine year old, or even, 49 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,560 Speaker 2: let's face it, a twenty four year old from bickering 50 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,160 Speaker 2: from time to time. That's going to happen. What matters 51 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:32,960 Speaker 2: more is helping them to communicate effectively in times of 52 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:36,280 Speaker 2: stress or distress, and helping them to say to another 53 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,360 Speaker 2: person that they're not comfortable with what's going on and 54 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:40,840 Speaker 2: something needs to change, Yeah, in a way that doesn't 55 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:41,720 Speaker 2: inflame things. 56 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:44,560 Speaker 1: All right, so we've got the problem covered. There's bickering happening, 57 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:48,000 Speaker 1: and there's bickering happening because there's not good communication skills. 58 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,760 Speaker 1: How to develop good communication skills is what we're going 59 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:51,600 Speaker 1: to solve. 60 00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:53,280 Speaker 4: It seems like a pipe dream when we've got three 61 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:57,040 Speaker 4: boys within two years of each other. They were mastering 62 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,720 Speaker 4: the bickering and the poor communication. But you're going to 63 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:01,720 Speaker 4: give us the tips on how to actually teach them 64 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:02,680 Speaker 4: to get better at this. 65 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:06,640 Speaker 2: Right, And I've lived through having six daughters who have 66 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,720 Speaker 2: given me plenty of opportunity to practice this great great. 67 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,680 Speaker 2: So I think the first thing to say is that 68 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:16,560 Speaker 2: example is crucial here. Now I recognize that when I 69 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,080 Speaker 2: say something like this, a lot of parents are going 70 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:20,520 Speaker 2: to hang their heads in shame. I'm not about parent shaming. 71 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:22,520 Speaker 2: I know that every parent is doing the best that 72 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:25,720 Speaker 2: they can. Recently, though, I had an experience that kind 73 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:28,560 Speaker 2: of highlights just how important is that we get our 74 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,880 Speaker 2: example right. I'd flown into Melbourne. I was standing at 75 00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:34,240 Speaker 2: the bag carousel at Tullamarine and I overheard a mom 76 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:37,400 Speaker 2: standing about four meters away from me, and she was 77 00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:41,040 Speaker 2: really laying into her two kids, two daughters, probably aged 78 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:46,120 Speaker 2: somewhere around eleven and seven, giving them heaps. It was uncomfortable. Now, 79 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,680 Speaker 2: she was frazzled. They've been on airplanes. We don't know 80 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:51,960 Speaker 2: the context, but never it's enough to say that the 81 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,160 Speaker 2: people around me were all exchanging glances. Their eyes were 82 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,440 Speaker 2: looking at her and then darting towards the floor. It was. 83 00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:01,320 Speaker 2: It was rough, and this mum, I guess, was in 84 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:06,000 Speaker 2: a pattern of communicating poorly with her kids, and they're 85 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,360 Speaker 2: going to learn that. As an aside, I actually walked 86 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:10,120 Speaker 2: over to her. Once I had my bags, I opened 87 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,880 Speaker 2: up one of my boxes of books and I said 88 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,600 Speaker 2: to her, it's really hard traveling with kids, isn't it. 89 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:17,080 Speaker 2: And she looked at me like she was going to 90 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:20,080 Speaker 2: tear my head off. I said, I understand how it feels, 91 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:21,720 Speaker 2: because I've just come back from a holiday myself and 92 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,560 Speaker 2: I've got six daughters. I get it. It's really rough. 93 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,000 Speaker 2: And she sort of melted a little bit. I said, 94 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:30,160 Speaker 2: this is a bit random, I know, and I've never 95 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:32,440 Speaker 2: done this before, but I write books about parenting and 96 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,919 Speaker 2: I'm on my way to Geelong to do a parenting seminar. 97 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,039 Speaker 2: Could I offer you one of my books? Can I 98 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:40,119 Speaker 2: just give this to you? It's about making our families happier. 99 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,400 Speaker 2: It may it's not a judgy thing, but based on 100 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,440 Speaker 2: the afternoon you're having, this might just lift you a 101 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:48,000 Speaker 2: little bit. And she said thank you. She actually emailed 102 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,960 Speaker 2: me a few days later and said I think that 103 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:51,200 Speaker 2: you've just changed my life. 104 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:51,679 Speaker 3: Oh wow. 105 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:55,000 Speaker 2: I was like, oh, their goodness. But that's the aside. 106 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:58,760 Speaker 2: The point is, as parents, how do we respond when 107 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,400 Speaker 2: somebody is bickering? How do we respond when somebody is 108 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:05,200 Speaker 2: agitating us? Example? Is everything not about shaming us, It's 109 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:06,960 Speaker 2: about saying let's have a good look at ourselves. And 110 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,960 Speaker 2: if you feel a little pang of guilt right now, 111 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,880 Speaker 2: that's a good thing, not a bad thing, because it 112 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,720 Speaker 2: indicates to you that if you can change, maybe your 113 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:16,119 Speaker 2: kids can as well. 114 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:18,040 Speaker 1: That's great, I reckon. 115 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:19,400 Speaker 2: The next thing that we've got to remember is that 116 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,640 Speaker 2: high emotions equals low intelligence. 117 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:26,599 Speaker 3: Yeah, you've delivered this to us before, and every time 118 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:29,240 Speaker 3: I got use it does I think about every moment 119 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:31,480 Speaker 3: where the emotions have been high and I haven't said 120 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:32,480 Speaker 3: the smartest things. 121 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:34,960 Speaker 2: Right, right, right. So, while I'm not an advocate of 122 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,880 Speaker 2: time out, a couple of things about time out. First 123 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,800 Speaker 2: of all, the research shows that when it's appropriately administered, 124 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,640 Speaker 2: it does get results. Nevertheless, I've got a lot of 125 00:05:42,839 --> 00:05:46,480 Speaker 2: philosophical and ideological reasons for not liking it, first of 126 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,440 Speaker 2: which is that most people don't do it properly, and 127 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:52,120 Speaker 2: number two, there's kind of ways. Nevertheless, if we all 128 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,560 Speaker 2: need to have some time away from each other to 129 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:57,240 Speaker 2: calm down so that we can talk intelligently and kindly 130 00:05:57,279 --> 00:05:59,360 Speaker 2: to one another and stop the bickering, then I think 131 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,159 Speaker 2: that some form of time out or time in, or 132 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:04,719 Speaker 2: some form of separation that's done in a gentle and 133 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:08,200 Speaker 2: kind way is going to be helpful. The next thing 134 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:11,640 Speaker 2: I think that can be really helpful is just asking 135 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:15,560 Speaker 2: your kids a simple question. How else could you have 136 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:19,279 Speaker 2: said that so that it didn't upset people? Just asking 137 00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:21,320 Speaker 2: that question getting them to do the problem solving once 138 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,440 Speaker 2: they're calm. When we said to them, how else could 139 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:24,800 Speaker 2: you have said that? Most of the time, they're going 140 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:27,520 Speaker 2: to shrug their shoulders and go yes, because that's what 141 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,800 Speaker 2: kids say. Well, I know that you don't know, but 142 00:06:29,839 --> 00:06:31,960 Speaker 2: if you did know, how else could you have said 143 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,120 Speaker 2: that I don't know. I just said I don't know. 144 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,000 Speaker 2: I know, but if you did know, and eventually you're 145 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,160 Speaker 2: want to work with them to come up with a 146 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,960 Speaker 2: nicer way to say that they're sibling. What what you're 147 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,440 Speaker 2: doing is upsetting me? Or can you please stop that? 148 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:47,039 Speaker 2: Or would you like me to leave the room so 149 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:48,720 Speaker 2: that you can play the piano and I can play 150 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:52,080 Speaker 2: the violin, or in different places whatever. It is not 151 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:57,200 Speaker 2: that we're all getting the orxtra going out. But I 152 00:06:57,240 --> 00:07:00,760 Speaker 2: think that the key, if we can get this right, 153 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:04,800 Speaker 2: is that if we are soft and we can teach 154 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:08,800 Speaker 2: them better questions to ask, better ways to interact what 155 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:13,320 Speaker 2: happens is we can then facilitate better experiences together. Bickering 156 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,840 Speaker 2: will never stop it. Bickering does lead to change. It's 157 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:19,760 Speaker 2: sometimes necessary so that people recognize that they're being inconsiderate 158 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:22,920 Speaker 2: and disrespectful. But there are better and worse ways to 159 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:25,840 Speaker 2: get that message across. Our job as parents is to 160 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:28,120 Speaker 2: teach our children to get the message across well, and 161 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:29,800 Speaker 2: the best way we can do that is by getting 162 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,520 Speaker 2: the message across well ourselves. 163 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,800 Speaker 3: Great wonderful answer to the questions coming to the show, 164 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:35,440 Speaker 3: and I. 165 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,680 Speaker 1: Have had a few pains through that. I'm going to 166 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:40,160 Speaker 1: be okay, everybody. I'm going to be okay. 167 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:42,240 Speaker 4: I didn't want to highlight those points to you suites, 168 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:44,520 Speaker 4: but I'm glad you picked them up. That's good, Doctor 169 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:46,480 Speaker 4: Justin Colson, thank you so much for your time. 170 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:48,440 Speaker 2: I'm getting out of you. Thanks us. 171 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:51,640 Speaker 1: For more details, you can go to Happy Families dot 172 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,160 Speaker 1: com dot au, or if you're interested in having doctor 173 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:56,640 Speaker 1: Justin Coulson come and speak at your school or your 174 00:07:56,640 --> 00:08:04,119 Speaker 1: corporate event, find out more at Justincolson dot com.