WEBVTT - How To Apologise With Ease & Grace 😌

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<v Speaker 1>Flex and Firms Flex and Firms. This is the Flex

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<v Speaker 1>and Frooms catch up podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>If there's one thing that is very important in life

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<v Speaker 2>for you and for the people around you, it's learning

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<v Speaker 2>how to apologize. Something that FLEXI once said which has

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<v Speaker 2>stayed with me is the idea that you are responsible

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<v Speaker 2>for fifty percent of the drama in your life. Very

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<v Speaker 2>hard to understand as a human being, but once you

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<v Speaker 2>think about it that way, you think, yeah, damn, actually

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<v Speaker 2>that is statistically likely. It came across this article called

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<v Speaker 2>how to Apologize like a Pro in The Atlantic. I

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<v Speaker 2>read it just out of curiosity to fact check whether

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<v Speaker 2>or not my method works, because I think that I'm very.

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<v Speaker 1>Good at I would say so too apologizing. Yeah, off

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<v Speaker 1>the bat, it is you're always making.

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<v Speaker 3>Mistakes, And I said, maybe we should be looking out

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<v Speaker 3>for those who can apologize really well.

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<v Speaker 1>Hate got too much experience, show us the receipts.

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<v Speaker 2>So they're talking about apologies in a neurocognitive viewpoint, So

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<v Speaker 2>obviously we just think, like, on the surface level, I'm

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<v Speaker 2>just gonna say sorry. But it turns out that apologizing,

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<v Speaker 2>both receiving apologies and giving them is extremely complex, and

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<v Speaker 2>it actually includes three distinct processes. Let me explain them

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<v Speaker 2>to you. First is cognitive control, because you're making a

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<v Speaker 2>choice to say sorry, even though doing so is difficult

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<v Speaker 2>and uncomfortable. That involves the lateral prefrontal cortex. It's giving

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<v Speaker 2>year eleven psychology.

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<v Speaker 3>The same psychology in year eleven. Yeah, whoa is that

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<v Speaker 3>a thing I don't know about? That's a HSC subject.

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<v Speaker 1>Did you have it? Not in your South Wales?

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<v Speaker 3>Oh?

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<v Speaker 1>In my time?

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<v Speaker 3>Oh?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yeah Wales? Yeah, let's see Victorian thing.

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<v Speaker 2>The second is perspective taking, which involves thinking about how

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<v Speaker 2>something you've said or done was experienced by another person.

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<v Speaker 1>By putting yourself in the position.

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<v Speaker 2>That's empathy, that's tempopororial junction. And the last is social valuation.

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<v Speaker 2>That's the way you calculate how much your apology will

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<v Speaker 2>help everyone involved, as opposed to just yourself, which mobilizes

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<v Speaker 2>the ventromedial prefrontal cortex.

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<v Speaker 1>That's a tricky one.

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<v Speaker 2>A lot of words here, but ipso facto. The first

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<v Speaker 2>is deciding to do it even though it's hard. The

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<v Speaker 2>second is empathy, so putting yourself in the other person position,

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<v Speaker 2>and the third is social evaluation, calculating how much your

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<v Speaker 2>apology will help not only yourself but the other people.

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<v Speaker 2>So it's a very complex thing to do. I think

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<v Speaker 2>we can all agree. I feel like this maybe has

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<v Speaker 2>become something that we all talk about in the last

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<v Speaker 2>few years. Are apologies, but no apology is better than

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<v Speaker 2>a half assed apology, Like there's nothing more infuriating. Then

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<v Speaker 2>one's like, I'm sorry you feel that way.

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<v Speaker 3>I remember having a lot of my core fights, not fights,

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<v Speaker 3>but my.

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<v Speaker 1>What do we call them?

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<v Speaker 3>Like grievances in relationships, like all interpersonal relationships, is people

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<v Speaker 3>who say sorry when it's not necessary. True. So for example,

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<v Speaker 3>let's say we're ordering food at a restaurant and you

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<v Speaker 3>ask for a coke zero, and then the waiter says

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<v Speaker 3>to you, oh, sorry, was that a pepsi?

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<v Speaker 1>And you say, no, sorry, it's a coke zero. And

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<v Speaker 1>it's like, why are we throwing.

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<v Speaker 3>Around sorry sorry sorries so flippantly when it's not required.

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<v Speaker 3>And in the States where it's completely required, people dodge around.

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<v Speaker 1>The world and one of them bitches always to the sorry.

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<v Speaker 2>I used to say, it's so much that people say

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<v Speaker 2>stop apologizing.

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<v Speaker 3>I was wont that I'm the self apologizing constantly. Stop that,

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<v Speaker 3>please continue this is great.

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<v Speaker 2>So the way you apologize has a huge influence on

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<v Speaker 2>your apology's likelihood of success.

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<v Speaker 3>Hold on, that's really interesting as well, the framing it

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<v Speaker 3>as a way framing an apology is something that needs

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<v Speaker 3>to land and be successful as opposed to just an

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<v Speaker 3>action you do well.

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<v Speaker 2>I think that you know, it seems unnatural to do that,

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<v Speaker 2>but I think it's important to do even just as

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<v Speaker 2>an exercise to get to the bottom of why you

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<v Speaker 2>think you should apologize. Like, I really like what they

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<v Speaker 2>said about how much is it gonna? I think it's

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<v Speaker 2>easier to apologize when you know that doing so is

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<v Speaker 2>the thing that looks good as well. So in this scenario.

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<v Speaker 2>In one experiment, subjects were asked to imagine themselves at

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<v Speaker 2>as a pedestrian who's been hit by a cyclist and

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<v Speaker 2>the cyclist was at fault.

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<v Speaker 1>That has happened to me? Seriously, Yeah a cyclist hit you?

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah? Fuck?

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<v Speaker 2>Did it hurt?

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<v Speaker 3>I don't remember how it felt, but I was on

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<v Speaker 3>the floor. Oh babe, I was also a child.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh okay, Like turn Lizzy, Yeah sorry, Liz, want to

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<v Speaker 2>little rope with it.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, she's a listener. We've not mad, but she

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<v Speaker 1>calls you for me.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, amazing. So what they did was that to evaluate

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<v Speaker 2>a settlement, fifty two percent said they would definitely or

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<v Speaker 2>probably accept the proposed cash offer if there was no apology.

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<v Speaker 2>When if there was a partial apology in the form

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<v Speaker 2>of sympathy for injuries but no acknowledgment of responsibility, the

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<v Speaker 2>acceptance rate fell to thirty five percent, But with a

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<v Speaker 2>full apology sympathy plus responsibility, the rate roads to seventy

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<v Speaker 2>three percent.

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<v Speaker 3>Of people expecting cash or being fine without cash.

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<v Speaker 2>I think they're getting cash either way. So apparently the

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<v Speaker 2>acknowledgment of responsibility proves to be the most important ingredient

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<v Speaker 2>of a good apology. Next is importance. Next in importance

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<v Speaker 2>is an offer of a repair followed by an explanation

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<v Speaker 2>of what happens. So you want to hit him with

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<v Speaker 2>the I take full responsibility, here's what I want to

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<v Speaker 2>do to remedy it, and here's why I did it.

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<v Speaker 2>In that order. I think in that order is the

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<v Speaker 2>best because I think as well, when someone's like, it's

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<v Speaker 2>really annoying when someone's like, I'm sorry, I did it.

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<v Speaker 2>I did it because this and it's like I know

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<v Speaker 2>that you didn't like, I know you're kind of like, like,

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<v Speaker 2>what's really good scenario? Like your sister steals your top

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<v Speaker 2>and then they apologize like sorry, I just like thought

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<v Speaker 2>that you wouldn't care because I'm like, you know, I cared,

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<v Speaker 2>don't try and explain it away when that's not true.

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<v Speaker 2>So yeah, I think even just using this process to think,

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<v Speaker 2>oh why why do I want to apologize, I haven't

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<v Speaker 2>had a situation recently where like I've been the bigger

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<v Speaker 2>person per se and apologized.

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<v Speaker 3>The only instance I can think of is I was

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<v Speaker 3>talking to someone and they had mentioned a relationship or

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<v Speaker 3>a quirk between them and their father, like their dad.

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<v Speaker 3>So they said something like, Oh, my dad has this

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<v Speaker 3>really annoying habit where he asks me a question and

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<v Speaker 3>assumes he knows the answer. So like, do we need

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<v Speaker 3>to give an example? We kind of know what that is, like, Oh,

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<v Speaker 3>where are you going tonight? Probably here down to the

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<v Speaker 3>Royal again. And the reason why this person really disliked

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<v Speaker 3>it is not just the nature of assuming what someone's doing,

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<v Speaker 3>but I think that they felt their dad always assumed

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<v Speaker 3>the worst intent and so then it felt like a

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<v Speaker 3>poor character assessment every time, and then they would have

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<v Speaker 3>to kind of challenge like no, like this is different.

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<v Speaker 3>And so because I was just getting to know this person,

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<v Speaker 3>I would keep doing that. I would, but in a

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<v Speaker 3>joking manner, right, just like I've explained now.

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<v Speaker 1>Like oh, where are you going? Oh, probably doing this again.

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<v Speaker 3>And they said it was triggering them in the sense

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<v Speaker 3>that maybe what I assumed wasn't the worst intent, but

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<v Speaker 3>the dynamic was super triggering. It had almost become like

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<v Speaker 3>a filler for acknowledging that I didn't know them, but

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<v Speaker 3>I wanted to know them, so I was filling in

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<v Speaker 3>the gaps, like you know. And so the second time

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<v Speaker 3>I did it, I had to apologize because I was like,

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<v Speaker 3>not you. You definitely called me out on that one,

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<v Speaker 3>and I clocked it, and I'm really sorry, but I did.

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<v Speaker 3>It's felt insincere because the nature of it was so

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<v Speaker 3>comedic that it had to I had to bring the

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<v Speaker 3>energy down clock it then make them feel a little

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<v Speaker 3>bit like it.

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<v Speaker 1>Made them look soooky. Yeah I hate that, and it wasn't.

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<v Speaker 3>But I was like, damn, like it was a joke,

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<v Speaker 3>but I see what's happening here, and now you're triggering

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<v Speaker 3>and people were there, no, okay, I was like it

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<v Speaker 3>was really interesting exercise in acknowledging the faults straight away

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<v Speaker 3>for the bigger picture, but also not truly understanding how

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<v Speaker 3>it made them feel, like having to connect the dots

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<v Speaker 3>or like fill in the gaps of like I guess

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<v Speaker 3>that would be quite annoying, and I guess, but now

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<v Speaker 3>I'm gonna be like the beneficiary of your dad's issues

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<v Speaker 3>and like I don't even know you that well, So

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<v Speaker 3>I feel like, what work are you doing to be

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<v Speaker 3>less annoyed by this scenario?

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<v Speaker 1>Put it back? But that I thought was really interesting.

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<v Speaker 3>But also, you know about love languages, right, so Gary Chapman,

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<v Speaker 3>the same author, had come with this concept called apology languages,

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<v Speaker 3>which isn't really taking off because I guess the idea

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<v Speaker 3>with love language is that most people want all of them,

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<v Speaker 3>but usually find one or two that you really identify

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<v Speaker 3>with based on probably what you hadn't received earlier in

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<v Speaker 3>your life, what you received a lot of. But with

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<v Speaker 3>apology languages, people were kind of like, I just don't

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<v Speaker 3>want one thing, you know, Like it was like accept fault,

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<v Speaker 3>make restitution, like you know, provide a solution, groovel whatever

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<v Speaker 3>it might have been. Everyone's like, ideally I want all

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<v Speaker 3>of them. I want if a great apology is going

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<v Speaker 3>through the list and be like, this is what I did,

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<v Speaker 3>this is why it was bad. But I don't know,

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<v Speaker 3>in a situation where you don't feel like you've done

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<v Speaker 3>anything wrong but you've caused harm, that's such a tricky

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<v Speaker 3>one to apologize because it feels like performance art, like,

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<v Speaker 3>I know, is this really helping? I think a good

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<v Speaker 3>apology has a lot to do with timing, like if

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<v Speaker 3>you get in quick, I feel like, and depending on

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<v Speaker 3>the situation, if you get in when it's most needed

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<v Speaker 3>or when it's requested, that's better than like I'm going

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<v Speaker 3>to have to think about it and come back and

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<v Speaker 3>then figure out if I want to apologize or not.

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<v Speaker 2>It's like no, no, no, So fam here is how to apologize.

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<v Speaker 2>These are three core tenants you must do. Number one,

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<v Speaker 2>acknowledgment of responsibility. That proves to be the most important ingredient,

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<v Speaker 2>So do that up top. Secondly, off what a repair.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know what that looks like. Is it monetary,

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<v Speaker 2>is it community service? And number three extra fly eyes.

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<v Speaker 2>And then the last one is an explanation of what happened,

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<v Speaker 2>of course, and we're ensuring in the explanation thing. We

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<v Speaker 2>are still taking a responsibility. That's probably where you can

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<v Speaker 2>go a bit sidetracked, but yeah, creative revisionist history.

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<v Speaker 1>You've been listening to the Flex and Firms Daily podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>For more, Tune Indicator on DAB or stream it on iHeartRadio.