WEBVTT - Glenn Maxwell - Ordineroli Speaking 0:00:06.000 --> 0:00:09.160 Ordinarily speaking, I've always been a cricket nuf yet heart 0:00:09.920 --> 0:00:12.280 for the first time my career, why did he want 0:00:12.320 --> 0:00:21.840 to be anywhere near a cricket fields on time? 0:00:27.920 --> 0:00:32.360 Hello and welcome to Ordinarily speaking, I'm narrowly meadows. My 0:00:32.440 --> 0:00:36.760 guest this episode is Australian cricketer Glenn Maxwell. At thirty one, 0:00:36.880 --> 0:00:39.800 Glenn has played seven Tests, one hundred and ten one 0:00:39.880 --> 0:00:44.680 days and sixty one to twenty internationals. He is an entertainer, 0:00:44.840 --> 0:00:47.519 but in twenty nineteen Glenn took a break from the 0:00:47.560 --> 0:00:50.920 game to work on his mental health. In this episode, 0:00:51.040 --> 0:00:53.960 he details how he got into such a dark place 0:00:54.400 --> 0:00:57.080 and how he emerged from it. We caught up at 0:00:57.120 --> 0:00:59.720 his place in Melbourne as he prepared to return from 0:00:59.800 --> 0:01:03.800 lay surgery. Please remember, if this chat triggers something for you, 0:01:03.880 --> 0:01:07.240 there is help out there. Beyond Blue and Lifeline are 0:01:07.400 --> 0:01:10.119 just a couple of places you can go. I hope 0:01:10.120 --> 0:01:18.840 you enjoyed the chat well, Maxie, thanks for spending some 0:01:18.880 --> 0:01:22.800 time with me. You recently got engaged. This is a 0:01:22.880 --> 0:01:25.479 very girly way for me to start this podcast. How 0:01:25.520 --> 0:01:26.440 did you pop the question? 0:01:27.000 --> 0:01:32.080 Awkwardly? As most engagements go. I'd been planning it for 0:01:32.200 --> 0:01:36.080 quite a while. I contacted her sister and she helped 0:01:36.120 --> 0:01:38.520 me out with the ring and then design for everything, 0:01:38.600 --> 0:01:40.400 and then sort of started to get the wheels in motion, 0:01:40.520 --> 0:01:43.720 and so that was probably midway through last year, and 0:01:44.000 --> 0:01:47.400 all the plane that went into that was great. Finally 0:01:47.400 --> 0:01:50.160 got the ring back I think early feb or late 0:01:50.280 --> 0:01:53.520 late Jan and just thought, yep, no worries is that 0:01:53.640 --> 0:01:56.080 we're going to do it. And unfortunately I ended up 0:01:56.080 --> 0:01:58.040 having surgery on the day that I was going to propose, 0:01:59.000 --> 0:02:00.400 so that sort of put it back in another week 0:02:00.520 --> 0:02:02.360 or so. She knew that I was going to propose 0:02:02.360 --> 0:02:03.840 at some stage, but I told her I wasn't going 0:02:03.920 --> 0:02:06.840 to propose while I had to sling on, so that 0:02:07.240 --> 0:02:09.480 sort of like sort of pushed her hopes back a bit. 0:02:09.520 --> 0:02:12.400 And then I got the sling off, She's like, ah, 0:02:12.960 --> 0:02:14.320 she'd be coming, so I was like, no, no, no, 0:02:14.360 --> 0:02:16.519 I'll wait for my arm. I need to be straight 0:02:16.639 --> 0:02:20.160 armed again, basically blatantly lied to her, just said just so. 0:02:20.200 --> 0:02:21.680 She didn't think it was coming. So she got so 0:02:21.760 --> 0:02:25.120 a bit downhearted, and we went out to Port Melbourne 0:02:25.400 --> 0:02:26.799 and I had a few ideas of what I wanted 0:02:26.800 --> 0:02:28.480 to do. Had the ring in my pocket the whole day, 0:02:28.520 --> 0:02:30.880 and we went for a walk and just everything just 0:02:30.919 --> 0:02:33.480 felt so wrong. I was so camfident my head, so 0:02:33.600 --> 0:02:35.040 calm in my head with what I was going to do, 0:02:35.080 --> 0:02:38.160 and then it all, it all went to shit. Basically, 0:02:39.600 --> 0:02:41.880 I ended up saying I will just go to get 0:02:41.919 --> 0:02:44.400 to lunch then, and I sat there at lunch thinking 0:02:44.440 --> 0:02:46.520 about different ways I could do it, just staring at her, 0:02:46.520 --> 0:02:49.240 and then I started to get close again, and then 0:02:49.280 --> 0:02:50.840 she said like, oh, I've got to go move my car, 0:02:51.160 --> 0:02:53.239 and then she went off and moved her car. And 0:02:53.280 --> 0:02:54.959 I was sitting there panicking for the next fifteen to 0:02:54.960 --> 0:02:56.560 twenty minutes. But what am I actually going to do? 0:02:57.680 --> 0:02:59.560 Because this thing's booing a whole through my pocket At 0:02:59.600 --> 0:03:00.240 the moment. 0:03:00.040 --> 0:03:00.880 You're a sweaty bollock. 0:03:00.919 --> 0:03:03.840 At the best of time, I was shocking. I made 0:03:04.120 --> 0:03:05.960 I can't remember. I think I wore a black T shirt. 0:03:06.000 --> 0:03:08.840 Thank god. If it was grave, my god, it just 0:03:08.840 --> 0:03:11.040 would have been like completely just a sweet patch, just 0:03:11.080 --> 0:03:12.040 one giant sweet patch. 0:03:12.120 --> 0:03:15.200 This is a nice image for every Yeah, but yeah. 0:03:15.240 --> 0:03:17.720 Then I drove we drove to this another location. As 0:03:17.720 --> 0:03:20.840 we drove past, I saw this park that was was 0:03:20.880 --> 0:03:23.440 really it was really pretty. It was like rose Garden, 0:03:24.120 --> 0:03:28.000 really nice. I thought, that's Plan D if I ever 0:03:28.040 --> 0:03:30.640 get to that stage, and then obviously Planned C failed 0:03:30.680 --> 0:03:32.400 and as I got out of the car at the 0:03:32.440 --> 0:03:36.280 next location, wil Pekowski drives past honk and his horn waving, 0:03:36.360 --> 0:03:40.000 and I was like, well, that's that's ruin and planning sea. 0:03:40.640 --> 0:03:42.600 So I was like rattled at that stage and then 0:03:42.760 --> 0:03:44.360 to Plan D and she's like, oh, if you need 0:03:44.360 --> 0:03:46.000 a coffee, we'll just go back to your back home 0:03:46.040 --> 0:03:47.960 and I'll meet you there. And I was like, no, no, no, no, 0:03:47.960 --> 0:03:50.400 no no, we go on to this next place, and 0:03:50.440 --> 0:03:53.440 I pinpointed exactly where I wanted to do it when 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:55.040 she turned up, so I was trying to put the 0:03:55.120 --> 0:03:57.640 ring back in the box, so I raced off. Realized 0:03:57.680 --> 0:04:01.280 that schools got out as well, so there's kids everywhere. 0:04:01.280 --> 0:04:02.840 I was like, oh, this is a nightmare. This is 0:04:02.920 --> 0:04:05.480 just going so badly. And she drove past as I 0:04:05.480 --> 0:04:06.960 was trying to put the ring back in the box, 0:04:07.040 --> 0:04:09.000 didn't see me, and so I'm like ducking back into 0:04:09.000 --> 0:04:11.800 my car trying to like get ready and shut my 0:04:11.880 --> 0:04:13.800 door and ran to the middle of the park, hid 0:04:13.800 --> 0:04:15.800 behind a tree. Would it looked like a real creep 0:04:15.800 --> 0:04:19.240 in a park and like watching all these people sort 0:04:19.240 --> 0:04:21.400 of like, just as long as everyone moves away from 0:04:21.400 --> 0:04:22.920 the center, I should be fine. And they were sort 0:04:22.960 --> 0:04:25.440 of just like slowly walking past their dogs and kids 0:04:25.520 --> 0:04:28.600 walking around. And then I saw appeared around the corner 0:04:28.640 --> 0:04:31.359 and Vinnie started to walk the wrong direction, and I 0:04:31.360 --> 0:04:33.760 felt like I pinpointed on Google Maps exactly where I 0:04:33.839 --> 0:04:35.640 wanted her to meet me as well, So I was 0:04:35.680 --> 0:04:37.840 a bit annoyed and then told her to come back 0:04:37.839 --> 0:04:40.000 the other way, and she's like, I don't see a 0:04:40.000 --> 0:04:41.760 cafe anywhere here, and I was like, yeah, I was. 0:04:41.920 --> 0:04:44.680 I was sure there was one here, and I sort 0:04:44.720 --> 0:04:47.520 of pointed away and so there might be one over there, 0:04:47.560 --> 0:04:49.240 and she turned around and I just got straight down 0:04:49.240 --> 0:04:52.159 on one knee. But as I got down, she still 0:04:52.200 --> 0:04:55.159 had my had her phone in her hand and she 0:04:55.240 --> 0:04:58.279 must have painted and clicked a button and she started 0:04:58.279 --> 0:05:03.000 calling me. So my own my pocket's vibrating like mad like, 0:05:03.360 --> 0:05:04.880 and I'm sitting there with a ring in my hand 0:05:04.920 --> 0:05:08.600 shaking anyway, and she's she started crying, and I'm like 0:05:08.920 --> 0:05:11.000 I'm not taking this phone call, but like what is 0:05:11.040 --> 0:05:13.880 going on here? And then like she left. She ended 0:05:13.960 --> 0:05:17.080 up leaving like a seven minute voicemail and it was 0:05:17.120 --> 0:05:21.240 the whole engagement chat. That's so cool. So we've still 0:05:21.240 --> 0:05:23.000 got I've still got on my phone, so that's pretty cool. 0:05:23.040 --> 0:05:25.479 We've still got that memory. And I sent it to her. 0:05:25.560 --> 0:05:27.040 I said, I'm not sure if you know this, but 0:05:27.160 --> 0:05:29.320 I've still got the whole chat that we had afterwards, 0:05:29.320 --> 0:05:30.840 what we're going to do and like talk to her 0:05:30.880 --> 0:05:33.640 parents and all that sort of stuff, and so yeah, 0:05:33.680 --> 0:05:35.960 it was. It was pretty cool in the end, and 0:05:36.720 --> 0:05:38.400 I certainly caught her off guard. 0:05:38.560 --> 0:05:42.480 You're smiling with your whole face right now, that whole memory. 0:05:42.520 --> 0:05:43.560 It's pretty special. 0:05:43.720 --> 0:05:45.839 It's the worst thing a guy can do because it's 0:05:46.000 --> 0:05:48.200 it should be so easy. You know, they're going to 0:05:48.240 --> 0:05:52.160 say yes, like everything should be so simple, but it's 0:05:52.240 --> 0:05:55.039 just so difficult to actually finally just like drop down 0:05:55.080 --> 0:05:57.080 to a knee and hand them something that you've had 0:05:57.120 --> 0:05:59.680 for a while and just to put it on their finger. 0:05:59.720 --> 0:06:02.240 It's just I don't know, it's such a difficult thing 0:06:02.279 --> 0:06:02.520 to do. 0:06:02.720 --> 0:06:05.360 What's more nerve wracking a World Cup final in front 0:06:05.360 --> 0:06:07.599 of her packed house or getting down on one. 0:06:07.440 --> 0:06:10.599 Getting down on one knee, I can do cricket. That's 0:06:10.640 --> 0:06:12.600 fine in front of crowds and all that sort of thing, 0:06:12.640 --> 0:06:15.160 but my god, dropping down on one knee, that was 0:06:15.240 --> 0:06:18.760 so hard, Like just knowing that she'd be watching me 0:06:18.880 --> 0:06:21.520 go down. But I was like, Noah, no, your team around, 0:06:21.560 --> 0:06:23.039 I'll just be here when you turn back. 0:06:24.240 --> 0:06:28.159 I love it now. She's been super important to you 0:06:28.400 --> 0:06:31.440 in particularly the last twelve months, in what's been a 0:06:31.440 --> 0:06:34.120 bit of a challenging twelve months for you. Tell me 0:06:34.160 --> 0:06:36.600 about her role that she played in you coming out 0:06:36.640 --> 0:06:39.000 publicly and admitting that you needed a bit of help. 0:06:39.279 --> 0:06:42.640 She was there for me in England last year. She 0:06:42.680 --> 0:06:45.640 came away with me on a couple of tours and 0:06:46.120 --> 0:06:49.440 she's I suppose seeing the ups and downs. I think 0:06:50.120 --> 0:06:52.479 the first time she probably noticed that I wasn't myself 0:06:52.520 --> 0:06:57.400 as in the Marsh Cup at the start of the summer, 0:06:58.600 --> 0:07:01.480 I was over in Perth and I just got back 0:07:01.480 --> 0:07:04.080 from a long tour away from home, still hadn't been home. 0:07:04.720 --> 0:07:06.200 I think that was I think I was up to 0:07:06.279 --> 0:07:09.160 about eight months at that stage away from home and 0:07:09.240 --> 0:07:11.560 I was just cooked. I was just I was tired, 0:07:11.640 --> 0:07:15.000 and I was about to go into another series and 0:07:15.760 --> 0:07:18.520 in my mind I sort of had. I was still 0:07:18.520 --> 0:07:21.240 thinking about cricket. I was still thinking about what technique 0:07:21.280 --> 0:07:23.280 I was sort of going to try and start this 0:07:23.360 --> 0:07:25.800 summer and try and get better. I was already thinking 0:07:25.800 --> 0:07:27.480 about how I was going to get better and where 0:07:27.480 --> 0:07:28.760 I was going to be at the end of the summer, 0:07:28.800 --> 0:07:31.200 and my mom was just racing. I was thinking so 0:07:31.320 --> 0:07:34.840 far ahead, and I just completely forgot about what I 0:07:34.880 --> 0:07:36.920 was doing at the moment. She knew that straight away. 0:07:36.960 --> 0:07:40.280 And I think when we got back to Melbourne, I 0:07:40.320 --> 0:07:43.120 was sort of finally able to see some family. I 0:07:43.200 --> 0:07:46.640 was still wasn't really my energetic, bubbly self. I wasn't 0:07:46.680 --> 0:07:51.600 sort of, I suppose outwardly starting conversation with everyone. I 0:07:51.680 --> 0:07:56.680 wasn't sort of. I wasn't happy basically, and it wasn't 0:07:56.720 --> 0:07:59.280 something I noticed. I just thought, I'm just tired. It's 0:07:59.320 --> 0:08:01.640 just one of those things. It's I'm just a bit 0:08:01.720 --> 0:08:03.680 run now, I'll be fine, and sort of pushed through. 0:08:03.680 --> 0:08:07.160 And once I got picked for the Australia team for 0:08:07.240 --> 0:08:08.760 the T twenties at the start of the summer, I 0:08:08.800 --> 0:08:11.600 think it was in November or late late October November, 0:08:11.600 --> 0:08:15.360 and I just remember going to those first few meetings 0:08:16.760 --> 0:08:20.120 and I I just felt this overwhelming anxiety just fall 0:08:20.160 --> 0:08:24.000 across me, and just like they're asking for professionalism, they're 0:08:24.000 --> 0:08:26.880 asking for one hundred percent commitment, and they're asking for 0:08:27.240 --> 0:08:29.920 all this, and I just I just instantly felt like 0:08:29.920 --> 0:08:32.120 the weight of the world just form. I'd just like thinking, 0:08:32.120 --> 0:08:34.440 I just I'm not sure I can give them one 0:08:34.480 --> 0:08:36.439 hundred percent right now. I just I feel like I'm 0:08:36.480 --> 0:08:40.560 operating at maybe sixty seventy percent at best. I wasn't 0:08:40.559 --> 0:08:43.560 turning up to training for the Vix or anyone before that, 0:08:44.040 --> 0:08:45.960 thinking Oh, today is the day I'm going to try 0:08:46.000 --> 0:08:47.240 and get better. I was just thinking, how do I 0:08:47.240 --> 0:08:49.959 get through today? So I'm ready to at least play 0:08:50.000 --> 0:08:54.880 it eighty percent for the game. And I suppose all 0:08:54.920 --> 0:08:57.160 the words that we used during the team meetings, I 0:08:57.200 --> 0:09:01.000 was just I was so anxious, scared, worried about that 0:09:01.040 --> 0:09:03.040 first conversation I was actually going to have with someone 0:09:03.720 --> 0:09:08.200 about it. And after speaking to Vinnie, she said, You've 0:09:08.200 --> 0:09:11.040 got You've got to tell someone you can't play cricket 0:09:11.120 --> 0:09:14.000 like this. You can't keep going like this. Otherwise is 0:09:14.040 --> 0:09:15.920 going to be pretty quick, quick down with Spiral and 0:09:16.800 --> 0:09:19.720 before you know it, you'll be done. So she flew 0:09:19.760 --> 0:09:22.640 over to Adelaide. I got a hold of Michael Lloyd, 0:09:23.880 --> 0:09:27.800 the team psych, and it was probably it was probably 0:09:27.840 --> 0:09:34.000 a little, a little floating comment that Jail made during 0:09:34.080 --> 0:09:37.400 training that probably ignored the conversations. I was going to 0:09:37.480 --> 0:09:40.360 talk to the psych anyway, and I was just I 0:09:40.440 --> 0:09:42.080 was batting the nets and he's like, oh, how are 0:09:42.080 --> 0:09:44.920 you going? And I said, oh, not great. He goes, 0:09:45.400 --> 0:09:47.160 how are we going to get you too? Great for 0:09:47.280 --> 0:09:55.720 the series, And in typical, like brash, pointless reply, I said, 0:09:56.080 --> 0:09:58.079 because it's T twenty and I'm a gun. So I 0:09:58.280 --> 0:10:00.959 was just like I did, and he just laughed. I 0:10:01.120 --> 0:10:03.200 just tried to sort of exude some sort of confidence 0:10:03.240 --> 0:10:07.000 because it was it wasn't it wasn't like arrogance. It 0:10:07.080 --> 0:10:08.640 was just like I need to sort of try and 0:10:08.760 --> 0:10:11.240 keep JL off my back for a little bit, just 0:10:11.320 --> 0:10:13.880 so I can make him laugh, and like that would 0:10:13.880 --> 0:10:17.080 be funny and typical Maxie. Typical Maxie. He's just he's 0:10:17.120 --> 0:10:18.960 just up with it. He's just getting ready, no worries, 0:10:19.000 --> 0:10:21.880 that's fine. And then yeah, I went into the nets, 0:10:21.920 --> 0:10:24.040 had had a pretty good net and got out and 0:10:24.320 --> 0:10:26.480 he came back up to me afterwards create to him, 0:10:26.480 --> 0:10:29.160 and he he said, look, mate, hey you He said, yeah, 0:10:29.160 --> 0:10:31.800 I'm struggling a little bit. He goes, I'll make sure 0:10:31.800 --> 0:10:33.520 you see Loydi and I said, yeah, it's I've already 0:10:33.600 --> 0:10:36.560 organized it. So and then I caught up with Lloydi 0:10:36.640 --> 0:10:38.560 that night and had a really good chat with him 0:10:38.600 --> 0:10:44.280 and just sort of said, look, I'm cooked. I don't 0:10:44.280 --> 0:10:45.800 think I can give one hundred percent to this team 0:10:45.800 --> 0:10:50.920 at the moment. And it's it's it's actually scaring me 0:10:50.960 --> 0:10:52.760 a little bit, like I don't know, I don't know 0:10:52.840 --> 0:10:54.720 what's happened. I don't I don't know how I feel. 0:10:54.800 --> 0:10:57.600 But I'm not getting any joy out of it anything. 0:10:57.600 --> 0:11:00.120 I played golf the other day, which is normally I 0:11:00.240 --> 0:11:02.880 escape from cricket, and it'small normally the thing that sort 0:11:02.920 --> 0:11:04.679 of gives me that time away from the game. I 0:11:04.760 --> 0:11:07.000 just found myself angry the whole time. I just I 0:11:07.080 --> 0:11:09.800 didn't enjoy it. I got home, I didn't show any 0:11:09.840 --> 0:11:13.520 emotion at all during the game, and I came back 0:11:13.520 --> 0:11:15.079 to the hotel and I just went that sucked. I 0:11:15.280 --> 0:11:17.120 just hated it. And so all the things that I 0:11:17.240 --> 0:11:20.360 found that I enjoyed just disappeared like it was it 0:11:20.480 --> 0:11:23.439 was shocking. Everything I did I just didn't enjoy, and 0:11:24.160 --> 0:11:26.480 I got angry at weird times as well, Like it 0:11:26.800 --> 0:11:29.439 was like the littlest scene would tick me off. The 0:11:29.520 --> 0:11:32.520 biggest thing I wouldn't worry about, and things that should 0:11:32.559 --> 0:11:35.000 make you laugh. I just was I was dead panning. 0:11:35.200 --> 0:11:38.120 I was just giving nothing to it. So my emotions 0:11:38.160 --> 0:11:41.360 were all out of whack. And yeah, I suppose once 0:11:41.400 --> 0:11:43.480 I had that chat with Lloydy, he sort of started 0:11:43.520 --> 0:11:46.240 talking me through the options and he goes, oh, do 0:11:46.240 --> 0:11:47.680 you reckon? You can play tomorrow? I said, I reckon, 0:11:47.720 --> 0:11:50.160 I can get through tomorrow. Let's try, and let's try 0:11:50.160 --> 0:11:53.120 and keep his hidden until we get back to Melbourne. 0:11:54.240 --> 0:11:56.000 Then I can sort of fizzle off into the distance 0:11:56.080 --> 0:11:59.840 and I'm okay, I reckon, they get through these two games, 0:11:59.880 --> 0:12:02.679 and then once we get to Melbourne, hopefully hopefully we're 0:12:02.760 --> 0:12:04.439 there two in your up or if we're still in 0:12:04.520 --> 0:12:06.520 the series, I can play Melbourne then just go home 0:12:06.600 --> 0:12:09.599 and and just be away for a while. And the 0:12:09.679 --> 0:12:12.319 original plan I suppose was to just see how I 0:12:12.400 --> 0:12:15.439 go for a couple of weeks, and once once I 0:12:15.520 --> 0:12:18.880 got through that first game, I remember speaking of Vine 0:12:18.920 --> 0:12:22.839 about so that just felt so weird. I battered so 0:12:23.000 --> 0:12:25.160 well in that game. I got sixty odd I think 0:12:25.559 --> 0:12:28.839 not less than thirty and barely missed the middle of 0:12:28.880 --> 0:12:31.400 the whole time. Just had a day out with the bat. 0:12:31.440 --> 0:12:33.599 But I didn't really enjoy any of it, Like it 0:12:33.720 --> 0:12:37.240 was just the weirdest feeling, like you're taking down an 0:12:37.240 --> 0:12:39.839 international attack and just not enjoying one bit of it. 0:12:41.240 --> 0:12:43.440 The only joy I really got was when Davy Grease hundred. 0:12:43.679 --> 0:12:47.640 It was it was like, well, that's awesome. But everything 0:12:47.679 --> 0:12:50.840 else in that game, I just barely batter than Nihilid. 0:12:50.920 --> 0:12:53.760 And I was probably lucky to be on the mic. 0:12:54.360 --> 0:12:56.079 I think in the field that day that it actually 0:12:56.120 --> 0:12:57.800 distracted me a little bit. I was actually able to 0:12:57.840 --> 0:13:01.080 think about other people and so distract myself a little 0:13:01.120 --> 0:13:02.760 bit talk to someone else while I was sort of 0:13:02.880 --> 0:13:05.679 going about my business out there. But sometimes when you're 0:13:05.679 --> 0:13:07.240 not on the mic, you just get lost in the field, 0:13:07.280 --> 0:13:09.720 and I found that was happening a lot in those 0:13:09.760 --> 0:13:13.280 games before the T twenty series. I was I was 0:13:13.360 --> 0:13:14.880 just off for the fairies in the field and just 0:13:15.640 --> 0:13:18.280 so distracted about what happens in the next game, What's 0:13:18.320 --> 0:13:20.000 going to happen, Like in the future, what's going to 0:13:20.040 --> 0:13:23.760 happen here? And I was just so far erased from 0:13:23.880 --> 0:13:26.679 the common day like of that moment. I was just 0:13:26.760 --> 0:13:31.079 so far away from it. And I think once we 0:13:31.200 --> 0:13:35.480 got to Brisbane that they were really good. They kept 0:13:35.520 --> 0:13:36.960 checking up on me to see how it was going, 0:13:37.040 --> 0:13:39.520 and I was like, you know, I know it's either 0:13:39.559 --> 0:13:41.599 one or two more games. I'm okay, It's not like 0:13:41.679 --> 0:13:43.800 I'm thinking too far ahead. I'm just thinking I've got 0:13:43.880 --> 0:13:45.720 to get through these couple of games. And it actually 0:13:45.800 --> 0:13:47.199 sort of calred me down a little bit. It was 0:13:48.600 --> 0:13:50.439 it was a relief knowing that I only had to 0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:52.760 get through another one or two games, and I didn't 0:13:52.760 --> 0:13:54.559 have to bat in that game, didn't have to do 0:13:54.600 --> 0:13:55.880 a whole lot in the field, and it was just 0:13:56.000 --> 0:13:57.839 quite an easy game to sort of cruise by. And 0:13:57.920 --> 0:14:01.960 then they came to me straight at the game and said, 0:14:02.120 --> 0:14:04.640 we're gonna now I tune it up when we get 0:14:04.640 --> 0:14:06.280 back to Melbourne. You can just go. And I was like, 0:14:06.559 --> 0:14:08.559 that would be great, thanks very much. I'd appreciate it. 0:14:08.559 --> 0:14:10.600 And I had to Did you feel relieved in that moment? 0:14:10.720 --> 0:14:13.800 One hundred percent? I felt like everything was just gone 0:14:13.840 --> 0:14:15.920 and I'd been thinking about during the game, like once 0:14:16.000 --> 0:14:18.000 we sort of had it one, I was like, I 0:14:18.080 --> 0:14:21.520 wonder if I can stopped now, like the paint can 0:14:21.760 --> 0:14:27.600 finally just stop. And then I specifically remember after the 0:14:27.680 --> 0:14:29.800 game when they when we talked about it and I 0:14:29.920 --> 0:14:32.960 was about to announce it to the group and they 0:14:33.000 --> 0:14:34.720 had no idea what was going on. I didn't even 0:14:34.760 --> 0:14:36.880 tell I didn't tell Finchy. I didn't tell any of 0:14:36.920 --> 0:14:38.960 the boys. I didn't want them to be distracted about 0:14:39.000 --> 0:14:40.520 what was going on with me. 0:14:40.680 --> 0:14:44.120 And so Finchy is the captain but also your best mate. 0:14:44.480 --> 0:14:47.840 Yeah, so Finch's someone who I generally confide him with everything, 0:14:47.880 --> 0:14:51.640 and he probably knew something was slightly off, like, but 0:14:52.240 --> 0:14:55.240 being obviously the captain, he's got so many other things 0:14:55.240 --> 0:14:56.720 when he's played, and I'm trying to take it easy 0:14:56.760 --> 0:15:00.040 on him without putting keeping more stuff on him. I 0:15:00.120 --> 0:15:03.480 know the stresses he's under as a captain, and so 0:15:03.640 --> 0:15:06.040 it's just like I'll let him go. And when I 0:15:06.120 --> 0:15:09.000 went over to him and said I'm done after this, 0:15:09.160 --> 0:15:11.480 like I'm just I'm going to have a bit of 0:15:11.560 --> 0:15:15.080 time off, and I've been struggling for a while. I 0:15:15.280 --> 0:15:17.200 sort of noticed something wasn't quite up. We haven't really 0:15:17.240 --> 0:15:20.960 caught up much recently, so it normally is one of 0:15:21.040 --> 0:15:22.720 the first guys I messaged when I'm on tour. I'm 0:15:22.760 --> 0:15:24.960 just like makee let's go for a coffee, beer, whatever 0:15:25.000 --> 0:15:28.480 it is, dinner. Yeah. Once once I told him he's 0:15:28.520 --> 0:15:32.240 like great decision, well done, and had to get up 0:15:32.240 --> 0:15:37.120 in front of the group and that was pretty difficult, 0:15:37.200 --> 0:15:40.120 and once everyone left, I sort of just broke down 0:15:40.200 --> 0:15:44.080 tears and just was just it was more. That was 0:15:44.120 --> 0:15:45.920 probably the first time I sort of showed any emotion 0:15:46.120 --> 0:15:51.480 for eight nine months, so I was probably since the 0:15:51.520 --> 0:15:53.960 World Cup, so it would have been about five or 0:15:53.960 --> 0:15:57.080 six months i'd showed any emotion whatsoever. It was just 0:15:58.520 --> 0:16:00.880 I was just drained. I just had enough, like emotionally 0:16:01.000 --> 0:16:07.240 just pretty much damaged. And once once I'd got that 0:16:07.280 --> 0:16:08.760 off my chest, a few guys just came up and 0:16:08.840 --> 0:16:13.160 gave me big hugs, like guys like Ashton Aga, Zamps, 0:16:13.360 --> 0:16:17.920 guys I'm really close to. We're just we're just like 0:16:18.000 --> 0:16:21.040 really good supports to that stage. And credit to a 0:16:21.080 --> 0:16:22.800 lot of the guys. They kept in contact, they sent 0:16:22.880 --> 0:16:26.400 messages and just to see how I was going. And yeah, 0:16:26.640 --> 0:16:28.320 I was warned about how the next few days, we're 0:16:28.360 --> 0:16:30.520 going to pan out. Like I sort of knew that, like, yeah, 0:16:30.520 --> 0:16:32.960 there's gonna be some support coming your way, and that 0:16:33.120 --> 0:16:36.600 can be sometimes really hard to deal with, and they 0:16:36.640 --> 0:16:39.400 went wrong. It was those next two or three days 0:16:39.440 --> 0:16:42.000 were probably the worst I'd had in the next six months. 0:16:42.120 --> 0:16:44.480 It was as much as support was great, it was 0:16:44.520 --> 0:16:50.320 also so confronting and not something near like it's great 0:16:50.440 --> 0:16:52.600 seeing it now, like after you've sort of gone through it, 0:16:52.720 --> 0:16:55.600 but like when I saw it, I was like overwhelming. 0:16:56.080 --> 0:16:58.160 I wanted to go further back into my little hole 0:16:58.240 --> 0:17:00.640 and just stay there and not come. I felt like 0:17:00.680 --> 0:17:02.240 I was letting a lot of people down. I felt 0:17:02.280 --> 0:17:07.080 like I was I felt like I was taking easy 0:17:07.160 --> 0:17:09.360 out and I just I didn't know what I was doing. 0:17:09.440 --> 0:17:13.159 And I barely spoke to anyone those three days. I 0:17:13.240 --> 0:17:15.840 sort of shut everyone out of my life. And I 0:17:15.920 --> 0:17:19.160 still remember the first first phone call I finally made, 0:17:19.200 --> 0:17:23.560 and it was to Moses on Reeks, and that was 0:17:24.640 --> 0:17:27.000 I barely replied to a text message before then as well, 0:17:28.160 --> 0:17:30.240 And when I called him, I just first said, mate, 0:17:30.240 --> 0:17:33.639 I'm I think I'm finally ready to actually talk to 0:17:33.720 --> 0:17:36.040 people now. I've sort of haven't spoken anyone for a 0:17:36.080 --> 0:17:38.920 couple of days, and I just we had a really long, long, 0:17:39.080 --> 0:17:42.320 nice chat and just talked about his experiences and actually 0:17:42.359 --> 0:17:43.960 had a little bit of a laugh, which was nice 0:17:44.000 --> 0:17:50.000 and almost at her own expense. And that's the thing 0:17:50.040 --> 0:17:52.480 i'd probably it had been a while since I've been 0:17:52.520 --> 0:17:54.199 able to take the take the mickey out of myself 0:17:54.280 --> 0:17:57.280 and and just relax a bit, and that sort I 0:17:57.320 --> 0:17:58.920 probably got the ball rolling a little bit and I 0:17:59.000 --> 0:18:01.480 was able to probably pick up the phone a few 0:18:01.520 --> 0:18:04.080 more times that week and have a few more chats 0:18:04.119 --> 0:18:07.199 with people. But it was a it was a lot 0:18:07.240 --> 0:18:08.840 longer process than I thought it was going to be, 0:18:08.920 --> 0:18:13.280 And certainly after that first week, I knew that I 0:18:13.400 --> 0:18:15.440 was doing the right thing, because there's no way I 0:18:15.480 --> 0:18:16.600 could have finished off the summer. 0:18:17.280 --> 0:18:19.359 It was hard for you when it was public, and 0:18:19.520 --> 0:18:21.800 you know, and like you say, it was overwhelming. You know, 0:18:21.880 --> 0:18:24.560 he had virat kally talking about in press conferences. It 0:18:24.640 --> 0:18:27.080 sort of went around the world of cricket. How was 0:18:27.119 --> 0:18:28.919 it for your parents and your family? 0:18:29.520 --> 0:18:32.159 Yeah, they were shattered. They were I don't think they 0:18:32.280 --> 0:18:34.840 knew the extent of how I was feeling through all that, 0:18:35.040 --> 0:18:38.040 and I didn't really speak to them much either. Through 0:18:38.080 --> 0:18:41.760 that stage as well, I was I told Vinnie not 0:18:41.840 --> 0:18:44.200 to come over. I was like, no, I just I 0:18:44.320 --> 0:18:46.720 just want to be alone, and that would have been 0:18:46.800 --> 0:18:48.080 so hard for them. All they want to do is 0:18:48.080 --> 0:18:52.399 support their loved ones, and I knew, I knew that 0:18:52.520 --> 0:18:53.680 was going to be hard for them, but it was 0:18:53.720 --> 0:18:55.600 just what I felt like I needed at the time, 0:18:55.680 --> 0:18:59.040 and I just wanted to be by myself. I didn't 0:18:59.080 --> 0:19:01.200 do much else than seal on the couch and just 0:19:01.240 --> 0:19:04.720 watch TV and stay on the couch. I basically slept 0:19:04.760 --> 0:19:09.760 here and that was it. I just I just stayed 0:19:09.760 --> 0:19:11.480 away from people. I didn't want to sort of ruin 0:19:11.480 --> 0:19:14.120