Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to Outspoken. As usual, you're joined by
Speaker 1: journalists Amy Sophie and Kate Torber and today we have
Speaker 1: our special guest Dr X back in the studio for
Speaker 1: part two of our very honest chat about what some
Speaker 1: men are thinking. And just to remind you, of course,
Speaker 1: this is just some men that are victiing this. So
Speaker 1: let's get back into our chat and we've got a
Speaker 1: few more questions of yours to answer. So the next
Speaker 1: question is from Jess from New South Wales. Dear doctor X,
Speaker 1: my ex boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago.
Speaker 1: He said he wasn't ready for a relationship, but continues
Speaker 1: to message me. We have hooked up a few times
Speaker 1: since then. Why does he continue to lead me on
Speaker 1: if he doesn't want a relationship now?
Speaker 2: It really it depends firstly how old he is. That
Speaker 2: makes a big difference. Is he twenty five or is
Speaker 2: he forty? If he's young or maybe again hedging his bets.
Speaker 2: You know, he wants to see what's out there, and
Speaker 2: at the same time, I don't want to lose you
Speaker 2: because I do like you, so he might probably does
Speaker 2: like you. But at the same time, again it all
Speaker 2: depends how old he is. He's just walking carefully, doesn't
Speaker 2: want to lose you. But at the same time, there
Speaker 2: might be someone out there, or maybe he wants to
Speaker 2: have sex with other women. Who knows, But Jessica from
Speaker 2: New South Wales, I really need to know how old
Speaker 2: this guy is and then I could give you a
Speaker 2: better estimation of what's going on there.
Speaker 1: I've got to say, this sounds like a pretty common
Speaker 1: thing I've heard from a lot of my friends. It's like,
Speaker 1: you know, they do break up, then there's the hook up,
Speaker 1: and they think they're going to get back together, and
Speaker 1: then it just seems to keep going on and on
Speaker 1: and on until the girl finally gets a new boyfriend.
Speaker 1: I think it's pretty common. Yeah, I reckon he's just
Speaker 1: keeping her hanging on in case he decides he actually
Speaker 1: wants a girlfriend, and you know, or as you said,
Speaker 1: hedging his bets in case anything better comes along. Well,
Speaker 1: I'll keep you close, but not too close, and you.
Speaker 3: Don't blame him.
Speaker 2: And if who is it, Jessica, if she's willing to wait, well,
Speaker 2: you know, maybe you should do the same thing, Jessica.
Speaker 2: You know, maybe hang on to him, but have a
Speaker 2: look around to see if there's something better.
Speaker 1: I would recommend, though I wouldn't sleep with I wouldn't
Speaker 1: hook up with him if.
Speaker 3: That wouldn't as she slept with him or not.
Speaker 1: She said hooked up, So I don't know if that
Speaker 1: means or they.
Speaker 3: Could be hooked like raising hooked up.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I just think if it's your ex
Speaker 1: and you really want to get back with them, I
Speaker 1: think by hooking up with them, it's I don't know,
Speaker 1: it's showing that you're not waiting for commitment, but you're ready,
Speaker 1: You're fine to just have a fling. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't think they'd be taken too seriously. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: I suppose if they're used to hooking up, so it's
Speaker 1: probably not such a big deal for them. I suppose
Speaker 1: it's hard. Though it also depends if this girl is
Speaker 1: still in love with the guy, because it'd be quite
Speaker 1: damaging to her. If she has real feelings.
Speaker 3: For her, that makes a big difference, doesn't it.
Speaker 1: And she's getting this you know, false sense that they're
Speaker 1: going to get back together, it'd be very painful. Well,
Speaker 1: then she shouldn't be doing it.
Speaker 2: And if he shouldn't be leading or on like he
Speaker 2: really loves her and loves her, and she's just waiting
Speaker 2: for him. I think I wouldn't be waiting. I'd still
Speaker 2: be moving on. But it all depends how she feels
Speaker 2: about it.
Speaker 1: You start, you need to start the jealousy game. That's
Speaker 1: the game to get them back. Not that I'm going
Speaker 1: to hook up with you and give you everything you want.
Speaker 1: You've got to start playing the field. Look like you're
Speaker 1: out with guys, and I think this guy would suddenly
Speaker 1: go shit, I'm not getting what I want. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: have to do something. If I really do like this.
Speaker 2: Girl, will The test will be if he sees her
Speaker 2: out with another bloke, and then then he's got to decide, well,
Speaker 2: do I want it or don't I want it?
Speaker 1: Because that sometimes when you actually know you care, when
Speaker 1: you do see someone with somebody else and you go, oh,
Speaker 1: I've made a bad decision.
Speaker 2: Well, it's normally the case, isn't it if they're on there.
Speaker 2: If you've got nobody that ain't seem to care. As
Speaker 2: soon as you get someone like, you start caring. So
Speaker 2: it's weird, but that's human nature. It's all fucked up.
Speaker 1: Really, Wishing Jessica all the best. Because it sounds like difficult, Jessica,
Speaker 1: you're stuffed moving on? Hi, doctor X. My boyfriend has
Speaker 1: become friends with a new girl at work. I would
Speaker 1: hate for him to tell me not to have male friends.
Speaker 1: So I have tried to be cool about the new relationship. However,
Speaker 1: I can't help but feel jealous and a little suspicious
Speaker 1: when they hang out. Should I be okay with them
Speaker 1: spending time one on one? Or should I set up
Speaker 1: some boundaries?
Speaker 2: Laura from Sydney, So Laura's her boyfriend is hanging out
Speaker 2: with friends a girl work after ours?
Speaker 1: Is that what's I think that's?
Speaker 2: She's saying, yeah, well, yeah, well that's that's a tough
Speaker 2: one as well. I don't think there's anything wrong with
Speaker 2: it if they're just hanging out, or depends what the
Speaker 2: situation is again, like she waited? Is a girlfriend waiting
Speaker 2: at home for him while he's out with this other girl?
Speaker 3: I mean, so she hot? Is she hot? Now? She's hot?
Speaker 2: You've got a problem. You know you've got a problem.
Speaker 2: But should she set some boundaries?
Speaker 1: Well?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think you should set a few boundaries without
Speaker 2: choking him and saying, well, I don't want you to
Speaker 2: have friends regardless of you know, male or female.
Speaker 3: I think that that will.
Speaker 2: Scare him away from by sending those sort of boundaries.
Speaker 3: But she's going to.
Speaker 2: Trust him enough to think that. You know, it's only
Speaker 2: their only friends, and we all have friends at work
Speaker 2: who opposite sex. Doesn't mean you're gonna have sex with
Speaker 2: all of them. You know, you're just friends with them.
Speaker 2: So that's just the way it is. So I think
Speaker 2: a lot of trusts involved here firstly, and boundaries. Well,
Speaker 2: I wouldn't set boundaries, but I'd see how far he
Speaker 2: wants to push it, and then you might want to
Speaker 2: send a boundary.
Speaker 1: And the thing is, if this girl is after your boyfriend, Laura,
Speaker 1: the worst thing you can do is act like a
Speaker 1: psycho because that's going to play into her trap. So
Speaker 1: you've got to act to like the cool girlfriend that
Speaker 1: doesn't mind. I mean, maybe then you start to make
Speaker 1: friends at work the are boys, and see how he
Speaker 1: likes it. Moving on to the next question, how soon
Speaker 1: is too soon to move on from a relationship?
Speaker 3: Wow?
Speaker 2: How long is a piece of string? Some people can
Speaker 2: do it pretty quickly, hown't they?
Speaker 3: And some need a long time.
Speaker 2: And the sooner you can move on is the better,
Speaker 2: because it's not a nice feeling, especially if you've been dumped.
Speaker 2: Maybe it's different if you've dumped that person, obviously you
Speaker 2: can move on a lot quicker. But if you've been dumped,
Speaker 2: I think, yeah, the sooner you can move on, and
Speaker 2: then it's easier said than done, because it's the worst
Speaker 2: feeling in the world.
Speaker 3: And it's funny.
Speaker 2: No matter what your friends, your best friends, your close friends,
Speaker 2: whatever advice they give you, which all makes sense, you
Speaker 2: still don't listen. You know, it goes in one ear
Speaker 2: out the other, because all you know is you feel
Speaker 2: like shit.
Speaker 1: Because the general rule of thumb is that however long
Speaker 1: you went out with someone, you should take half that
Speaker 1: time to get over them. That's what I was told.
Speaker 3: No, that's bullshit.
Speaker 2: Never heard of that before, to be honest, But I
Speaker 2: just think if you're strong enough to move on, do
Speaker 2: it as soon as you can.
Speaker 3: But that's not that easy.
Speaker 1: It also depends if you're checked out of that relationship.
Speaker 1: So I know a lot of people stay in bad
Speaker 1: relationships that they might have in their head gone, oh,
Speaker 1: this has got to end soon, and I'm just waiting
Speaker 1: it out. So I think that comes into it as.
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, you're right, some relationship and before they end, Yeah,
Speaker 2: you know you're already like a year before they're finished,
Speaker 2: and they've just hung around. Yeah, because you get used
Speaker 2: to that person. It's like a habit and you don't
Speaker 2: know how to finish it off. It just there's always
Speaker 2: something that breaks breaks, you know, the straw that breaks
Speaker 2: the camel's back, and that's what you wait for before
Speaker 2: you move on.
Speaker 1: See. The final question is from doctor X. Doctor X
Speaker 1: is from Stacy from Brisbane and she's asked, Dear doctor X,
Speaker 1: a guy I'm dating has asked me to send through
Speaker 1: a nude photo. What should I do?
Speaker 3: Oh, Stacy? Stacy.
Speaker 2: If he's a football I wouldn't do it because that
Speaker 2: could end up anywhere. Again, it all depends how long
Speaker 2: you've been with him. For Stacy, I don't think there's
Speaker 2: anything wrong with it. If it's private, just between you
Speaker 2: and him, no problem whatsoever. But you know you're walking
Speaker 2: on dangerous territory here if you haven't known him very long,
Speaker 2: or you know you don't want.
Speaker 3: Him to share it with his mates.
Speaker 2: You know, if you trust him and you've been with
Speaker 2: him long enough and it's just between you and him,
Speaker 2: who cares.
Speaker 3: But that's the only reason I'll do it.
Speaker 1: Do you know what When I used to work at
Speaker 1: a cafe down at Glenelg, I remember I was had
Speaker 1: a late night shift and my phone went off and
Speaker 1: I had a look and I was a photo of
Speaker 1: a nude girl like it was. It didn't have the
Speaker 1: face in or anything, and I was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: what is this. I didn't reply because I was on
Speaker 1: my well I wouldn't. I just left it because I
Speaker 1: was on my shift and I was I had to
Speaker 1: put my phone away. And then about half an hour later,
Speaker 1: she resent the photo, so I had to write back.
Speaker 1: I said, I think you've got the wrong number. And
Speaker 1: then she's like, oh, I'm so sorry, babe, sorry about that.
Speaker 1: Well I was like, how embarrassing. At least get the
Speaker 1: guy's number right. If you can send a nude photo to.
Speaker 3: Them, well you should have forwarded onto me.
Speaker 1: I know doctor X is saying, you know, go ahead
Speaker 1: if you want it, But I think people also have
Speaker 1: to be wary that there's a lot of apps that
Speaker 1: can't be trusted, like Snapchat or Instagram or I don't
Speaker 1: know that you know, even eye cloud.
Speaker 2: But what about if it's just send on message that's
Speaker 2: only between you and message.
Speaker 1: I know you still got to worry that this person
Speaker 1: might take the photo and use it somewhere else.
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, exactly, That's what I was saying.
Speaker 2: If it depends how long you've been Look, if you've
Speaker 2: been going this out with this guy for five years,
Speaker 2: well it's you know obviously you know him pretty well.
Speaker 2: And I don't think if it's only between you two,
Speaker 2: I see it the problem.
Speaker 1: I personally would never do that. I've watched too many
Speaker 1: documentaries of bloody revenge porn. I just don't I'm not
Speaker 1: interested in it anyway. But my advice would be to
Speaker 1: the girls that are taking these photos, don't include your face.
Speaker 1: That's probably one piece of advice, because I mean, I
Speaker 1: didn't know who this girl was it sent me that
Speaker 1: weird photo, and lucky for I her, it could have
Speaker 1: been someone I knew. Moving on to the next question, So,
Speaker 1: doctor X, what do you think constitutes cheating?
Speaker 3: Wow?
Speaker 1: Not a kiss?
Speaker 2: No, definitely not a kiss. Well, I mean kind of,
Speaker 2: It's in the same category, but not one of the
Speaker 2: strong ones.
Speaker 3: I guess.
Speaker 2: The cheating one is obviously sleeping with someone else. That's
Speaker 2: definitely cheating. But then you know, some people could say,
Speaker 2: what about if you're going to have a drink with
Speaker 2: someone in a bar and you don't have sex, is
Speaker 2: that cheating? Well, kind of it is, but it isn't
Speaker 2: because there's emotional cheating, absolutely, and there's there's different ways
Speaker 2: of looking at cheating. But but I just think there's
Speaker 2: different grades. Some of my people. People might say, but
Speaker 2: cheating is cheating, but yeah, no, some some are sort
Speaker 2: of petty, Yeah, petty crimes if you like. And I
Speaker 2: think the biggest one, obviously is if you sleep with somebody,
Speaker 2: that's obviously cheating.
Speaker 1: What about that question of emotional cheating versus having sex?
Speaker 1: I suppose do you think that is sometimes worse? Because
Speaker 1: you know, you were saying that men seem to don't
Speaker 1: really care as much about who they have sex with.
Speaker 1: But do you would you be more offended, say, if
Speaker 1: your partner had an emotional affair with affair with someone.
Speaker 3: An emotional give me more information.
Speaker 1: So they were I suppose invested in another person that
Speaker 1: they were talking to them all the time, maybe about
Speaker 1: really important issues that they nothing had happened, but you
Speaker 1: know there were obviously feelings between the two.
Speaker 3: Is that worse than actually having sex. To you me,
Speaker 3: that's worse. Not really.
Speaker 2: It all depends how long it goes for and if
Speaker 2: they didn't tell you. And I mean, because you can
Speaker 2: have a relationship with the opposite sex and you get
Speaker 2: on really well with them, but if you don't have sex,
Speaker 2: I don't think that's cheating.
Speaker 1: So how much emphasis do you think men place.
Speaker 3: On looks on looks on a woman?
Speaker 2: I think both parties you have to admit that looks
Speaker 2: is the first impression that counts. And we can all
Speaker 2: agree that you might meet good looking people, but once
Speaker 2: you start talking to them they're ugly. All of a
Speaker 2: sudden you think, yeah, okay, thank you very much, but
Speaker 2: who cares? So yeah, the looks is always the first thing.
Speaker 2: But having said that, you could meet a nice looking
Speaker 2: person opposite sex, but there's still nothing there. They just
Speaker 2: good looking, but there's no again, that electricity, And you
Speaker 2: can meet someone who's not really that attractive. They're nice
Speaker 2: but not and yet there still could be electricity. So yeah,
Speaker 2: it all depends who it is.
Speaker 1: Next question, why do guys seem to hate commitment?
Speaker 2: I don't know if guys hate commitment. I think you only
Speaker 2: hate commitment when you haven't met the right person. I think,
Speaker 2: I think once you meet the right person, you know
Speaker 2: it and then you do commit. But but yeah, I
Speaker 2: think once you met the right person, you'd make a commitment.
Speaker 1: So doctor X, do men really prefer women with no makeup?
Speaker 2: Hmm, that's a tough one. I don't want to put
Speaker 2: girls off putting makeup on. I think some girls need it,
Speaker 2: and lucky lucky Well, I mean, let's face it, when
Speaker 2: I was younger growing up, you know, like you pick
Speaker 2: up a girl at a dance and you know it's
Speaker 2: all dark and you know the disco lights, and you've
Speaker 2: had a few drinks, and you go home with them,
Speaker 2: and you wake up in the morning think what the
Speaker 2: fuck it looks like someone completely different. But yeah, I
Speaker 2: mean I don't mind. I think it's not if girls
Speaker 2: put a little bit of makeup on. But some girls
Speaker 2: are naturally pretty that I don't need plenty. And then
Speaker 2: there's some that feel more comfortable. If you feel comfortable
Speaker 2: with makeup, go for it, but i'd for less.
Speaker 1: We're loving your honesty, Eggs. What are some signs that
Speaker 1: a guy really likes you?
Speaker 3: That a guy really likes the girl touching. There's one
Speaker 3: thing you know.
Speaker 2: Mind you, I'm of Mediterranean background, so we do a
Speaker 2: lot of touching anyway.
Speaker 3: Don't give your identity away. Okay, I'm you're a dink.
Speaker 1: You die.
Speaker 2: I think touching and just looking at that person in
Speaker 2: the eye when they're talking, and.
Speaker 1: Don't we just got content.
Speaker 3: I know, we just got guy contacting.
Speaker 2: And I look at all of you out there, you go,
Speaker 2: love you girls, and touching as well.
Speaker 3: I think I think you can.
Speaker 2: You can tell the vibe again, you know, with a
Speaker 2: not only touching, but just to see that they're open
Speaker 2: to you. They're smiling, and they just keep looking and
Speaker 2: there's no one else in the room. Because what I
Speaker 2: hate the most is when you're talking to someone, you
Speaker 2: meet a girl and they're looking at someone else and
Speaker 2: not you, and whoever walks past them, there's another person,
Speaker 2: another and they're not even with you. I cannot stand that. Girls,
Speaker 2: if you do that, please stop it. I think you're
Speaker 2: got to eye contact with a person you're with and
Speaker 2: touching that person, and I think that's a bit of
Speaker 2: a giveaway.
Speaker 1: And on the other hand, what are some signs that
Speaker 1: a guy isn't into you?
Speaker 2: Yeah, when he's looking at all the other people the
Speaker 2: exact opposite to what I just said, pretty much that, Yeah,
Speaker 2: the guy's kind of cold, his answers short answers, and
Speaker 2: he's looking at everybody else except you.
Speaker 3: You know that it's time to get the fuck.
Speaker 1: Out of there, and doctor X for our last question,
Speaker 1: do you think watching porn is cheating?
Speaker 2: No, definitely not. I don't even know what that actually
Speaker 2: means cheating watching porn, know, I mean, I think it's
Speaker 2: the most natural thing in the world. It's been around
Speaker 2: for centuries, pornography, and so nah, I think sometimes it
Speaker 2: might sort of generate the juices to you know, maybe
Speaker 2: if things aren't working well in the bedroom, then go
Speaker 2: watch a little bit of porn and then go and
Speaker 2: go to bed with the wife or the partner, and
Speaker 2: I think maybe it might sort of help you.
Speaker 1: So do you think it might actually prevent cheating?
Speaker 3: Well, maybe not. I'm not saying that it works for everybody. No.
Speaker 2: I'm sure that in some cases, you know, people maybe
Speaker 2: want to maybe start looking around when they watch porn.
Speaker 2: But but I don't think the actual watching of the
Speaker 2: porn is cheating. That's definitely to me, it's not cheating.
Speaker 1: So what would you say if you had a partner
Speaker 1: that got quite offended or hurt that you're watching it,
Speaker 1: Because I mean, I've heard a lot of girls say
Speaker 1: that they don't like the fact that their partner is
Speaker 1: looking at another woman and having these thoughts about another woman.
Speaker 1: I think that's where the element of them thinking cheating
Speaker 1: comes into it.
Speaker 2: Well, I mean, looking at another either another woman or
Speaker 2: another man from a woman's point of view, that's not cheating, really,
Speaker 2: is it. Look, even if you have thoughts about having
Speaker 2: you know, like in your mind, your little fantasy, it's
Speaker 2: still not cheating unless you actually cheat.
Speaker 1: Well, thank you so much for your us for part
Speaker 1: two of our Conversation with Doctor X. If you'd like
Speaker 1: any questions answered for another podcast, please send them to
Speaker 1: us on Instagram at Outspoken, Underscore The Underscore Podcast or
Speaker 1: head to our Facebook page at Outspoken, Underscore, The Underscored
Speaker 1: Podcast and just send them through. We'd love to hear
Speaker 1: from you.