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Speaker 1: I'd like to acknowledge the traditional owners on which this

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Speaker 1: episode is being recorded, the combo marry people. We pay

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Speaker 1: our respects to elders past, present and emerging, and extend

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Speaker 1: that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples.

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Speaker 1: Today I'm your host, Georgie Stevenson, and this is the

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Speaker 1: Rise and Conquer Podcast. This is the podcast where which

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Speaker 1: have mindset, self development and becoming your higher self mix

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Speaker 1: soon with a lot of laughs, plus behind the scenes

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Speaker 1: of my life running two businesses and being among Think

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Speaker 1: of us as the perfect combo of brunch with your

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Speaker 1: besties mixed with self development. No matter where you are

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Speaker 1: in your journey, we're here to help you be curious,

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Speaker 1: pull yourself out, and embrace radical self awareness. If you're

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Speaker 1: ready to get into the driver's seat of your own

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Speaker 1: life and stop letting life cast you by, then you're

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Speaker 1: in the right place. Hello everybody, and welcome back to

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Speaker 1: the Rise and Conquered Potty. Happy Faye, Tia, Happy Friday.

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Speaker 1: I'm actually living it up, Badara. I'm not actually here,

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Speaker 1: but I'm like on holidays living it up, so it

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Speaker 1: would be happy happy Friday to me, and I wish

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Speaker 1: I was living it up. He was watching my stories.

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Speaker 1: I'm living vicariously. Today we had the first episode of

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Speaker 1: our Motherhood series in celebration of our brand new course

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Speaker 1: Rebirth Doing Motherhood on your Own Terms, and we're kicking

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Speaker 1: off with the most incredible interview with laol Stone.

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Speaker 2: So.

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Speaker 1: Laye is an author, speaker, educator and used to be

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Speaker 1: the co host of Aware Parenting podcas, which as you

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Speaker 1: guys know, I'm a massive fan of and that's where

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Speaker 1: I found her. So today we chat what is a

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Speaker 1: where parenting? Should we reward or punish our children? What

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Speaker 1: can dealing with the child's feeling teach us about our

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Speaker 1: own How we can as adults unlearn some of the

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Speaker 1: patterns established in our childhood And I selfishly ask Layale

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Speaker 1: how to deal with I these tantrums. Honestly, guys, this

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Speaker 1: is the most incredible interview. I literally was crying as

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Speaker 1: I was taking this interview because Laye was just speaking

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Speaker 1: to my soul in regards to some of the experience

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Speaker 1: I had growing up of my parents not necessarily having

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Speaker 1: tools for me to express myself and then you know

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Speaker 1: that leading to a whole host of things, and I

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Speaker 1: just I felt like she was Yeah, she was speaking

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Speaker 1: to my soul and it was so profound and it

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Speaker 1: also so I think why I got so emotional was

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Speaker 1: it really made me so hopeful for doing things different

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Speaker 1: for Ivy and really like being like I can be

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Speaker 1: a change and not in the way of shaming my

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Speaker 1: parents or my grandparents or anything like that, because I

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Speaker 1: absolutely know they did the best they could with what

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Speaker 1: they had a bit more in this beautiful, hopeful way

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Speaker 1: of I do have the tools now there is so

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Speaker 1: much information and I get to do things differently, and

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Speaker 1: that just felt honestly profound.

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Speaker 3: I literally loved listening to this interview as well, because

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Speaker 3: I just found, even though I'm not a mum, everything

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Speaker 3: that Laye talks about can just be pulled and applied

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Speaker 3: to any relationship in your life, Like if you want

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Speaker 3: to have deeper connections with people around you, or just

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Speaker 3: be able to understand why people do what they do

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Speaker 3: and why they react the way they do. It's just

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Speaker 3: so interesting to hear what Laale has to say, so interesting,

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Speaker 3: so many aha moments. But before we get into this episode,

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Speaker 3: quick life update. I'm currently on holidays, so guys, when

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Speaker 3: this episode goes live, I am on holidays with Tim

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Speaker 3: for our fifth year wedding anniversary at Madara, which is

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Speaker 3: a little island of cans. So we are lapping up

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Speaker 3: and enjoying ourselves.

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Speaker 2: I hope I'm not working.

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Speaker 4: She won't be.

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Speaker 1: And what about your tea? How has your week been

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Speaker 1: really good? I've had a good week. It's Tuesday. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I had a good weekend.

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Speaker 3: I tried an aerial yoga class, which was really fun.

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Speaker 1: Stop, yeah, what did you think so hard? Really so much?

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Speaker 3: There was one bit where he was the instructor told

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Speaker 3: us to just sort of hold the silk with our hand,

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Speaker 3: and then he's like, now raise your right leg to

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Speaker 3: your chest and raise your left leg to your chest

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Speaker 3: and open your legs. And I just couldn't get my

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Speaker 3: legs off the ground, both of them at the same time.

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Speaker 3: And I'm like trying to kick, and everyone who's obviously

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Speaker 3: there more often than I am, is just like floating

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Speaker 3: all gracefully and I'm just fooling.

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Speaker 1: But it was fun. I am so proud of you

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Speaker 1: for trying something different.

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Speaker 3: Thank you.

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Speaker 1: And I had fun upside down.

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Speaker 4: I went upside down.

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Speaker 1: You're you're a queen of putting yourself out of the

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Speaker 1: comfort zone this year and it's incredible. Thank you so good.

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Speaker 1: So that was my bit of fun. I know, we

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Speaker 1: kid love that. Also, guys, as you may have seen,

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Speaker 1: we have launched our brand new course, which is the

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Speaker 1: whole reason why we're doing this series. It is called

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Speaker 1: Rebirth and oh it's so interesting a tear. I was

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Speaker 1: with my besties at a spa on Monday to celebrate

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Speaker 1: one of their birthdays, and I just said to them,

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Speaker 1: this has been on my heart for a while, and

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Speaker 1: I'm just so happy that it's like live and happening,

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Speaker 1: because it's like, I am just craving this community of

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Speaker 1: moms who want to do it different. Yeah, And I

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Speaker 1: just feel like it's really you know, it takes a village,

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Speaker 1: and I think if you can surround yourself with people

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Speaker 1: who almost it's giving you evidence that that life is possible, yes,

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Speaker 1: and that you know those people are possible. And sometimes

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Speaker 1: you know, maybe our friends or our parents, you know,

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Speaker 1: they don't see the same sort of view of how

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Speaker 1: you want to do things, and that can be super disheartening.

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Speaker 1: And so I really felt called to bring this group

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Speaker 1: of women together where we are doing motherhood on our

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Speaker 1: own terms and we are really figuring out what we

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Speaker 1: want to do. Yeah, because I think the big thing

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Speaker 1: with motherhood is there's so much noise. There's so much

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Speaker 1: noise on Instagram of your friends, of your parents, and

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Speaker 1: it can feel like and that's I honestly think that's

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Speaker 1: why we have mum guilt and why we have all

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Speaker 1: these quote unquote negative emotions around motherhood is because there's

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Speaker 1: so much pressure and we don't know who we are

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Speaker 1: or what we are in this season. And I have

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Speaker 1: just had such an immense experience and journey when I

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Speaker 1: did identity work around the mother I wanted to be

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Speaker 1: who I wanted to be in this season, and really

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Speaker 1: I guess built her. And that's what I teach you

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Speaker 1: in this course. It's a four week course where we

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Speaker 1: build the new you, and it's honestly it's going to

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Speaker 1: be life changing.

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Speaker 3: I can attest to that because I feel like I

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Speaker 3: saw you go through that transition.

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Speaker 1: Literally your tears saw me and she's like, holy buck, nobody, Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: go more into it. It's not even like it was bad.

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Speaker 3: It was it's just now seeing where you are now

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Speaker 3: and how you show up in every aspect of your

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Speaker 3: life compared to how you were showing up, which it

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Speaker 3: wasn't like bad anything, but you've just it's like a

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Speaker 3: quantum leap. You're a completely new person and you're just

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Speaker 3: so much more secure in your decisions and yourself and

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Speaker 3: it's just so nice to see.

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Speaker 1: Thank you for saying that, so buddy, thank you. And

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Speaker 1: that's the thing is like, for someone who is usually

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Speaker 1: so confident and so sure of herself, it was a

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Speaker 1: really really I don't like to put a negative, you know,

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Speaker 1: emotion on it, but it was a really hard time

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Speaker 1: for me. I felt so disconnected, I felt so unsure

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Speaker 1: of myself, and I thought, this is just motherhood, this

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Speaker 1: is what it's supposed to be, Like everyone feels like this,

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Speaker 1: because yeah, and when I changed that and when I

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Speaker 1: did this work around my identity and my mindset and

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Speaker 1: I really shift in things. Holy shit, I was like

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Speaker 1: I can't believe. I like, of course, you know, everything

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Speaker 1: happens for a reason, but I'm like, I can't believe

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Speaker 1: I waited twelve months to do this sort of work

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Speaker 1: because I really felt like a shell of me in

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Speaker 1: that twelve months and I really thought that was quote

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Speaker 1: unquote normal. And of course, like postpartum, it's a journey.

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Speaker 1: But I just thought, if I can bring this to women,

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Speaker 1: you know, even if it's postpartum, but even if they've

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Speaker 1: got kids who are older and they still feel disconnected,

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Speaker 1: this is going to be life changing. Because also it's

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Speaker 1: funny because it's like, you could really do this at

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Speaker 1: any new transition. Guys. I literally said to I was like,

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Speaker 1: can we not make it a mum course? I want

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Speaker 1: to do it literally A tears, like, can we broaden this,

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Speaker 1: not make it a munk course because it's it's at

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Speaker 1: identity work, And she's like, would you know we'll get

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Speaker 1: so many more people in blah blah blah. And I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I one hundred percent agree because you know, she's seen

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Speaker 1: all the content and everything we work through, and she's like,

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Speaker 1: this would be so amazing for anyone in a new transition.

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Speaker 1: And you know what's so interesting a tea. I actually

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Speaker 1: I saw Mel this morning and if you guys don't know,

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Speaker 1: Mel is currently taking time away because of a death

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Speaker 1: in her family, and she's taking some much needed time

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Speaker 1: and working through obviously so much. And it's interesting because

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Speaker 1: we even spoke about what she's currently working through, is

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Speaker 1: like she is rebuilding her identity. Yeah, and she is

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Speaker 1: going through this journey and it's much the same about

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Speaker 1: like what I do this in the course, and it's

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Speaker 1: like it's really a pivotal moment has happened where your

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Speaker 1: life will never be the same. And I truly believe

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Speaker 1: any mum who gives burse and goes through this like

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Speaker 1: that's what happens. Yeah, so anyway, I could go on

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Speaker 1: this forever. We're actually dropping a mini episode all about it,

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Speaker 1: so I'll stop talking because I can see being like

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Speaker 1: this episode's going to be so long, so go and

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Speaker 1: check that out. But yeah, it's live, and I did

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Speaker 1: want to let you know. So how we're doing is

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Speaker 1: there is currently pre sale like early bird price, so

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Speaker 1: that will increase. So if you're listening to this and

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Speaker 1: you're like, yes, I need this, I want to, you know,

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Speaker 1: feel the way Georgie's saying, make sure you get onto it.

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Speaker 1: We start May twenty fourth, our Full Life Calls. All

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Speaker 1: the details on the website will link it all. Right, guys,

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Speaker 1: this is honestly going to blow your mind. Let's get

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Speaker 1: into this amazing episode. Laoe, welcome to the Rise and

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Speaker 1: Conquer Podcast.

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Speaker 4: Thank you for having me. I'm really happy to be here.

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Speaker 1: I am so excited to have you on the potty

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Speaker 1: to talk about all things parenting and us being more

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Speaker 1: in touch with our emotions and you know, our emotional

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Speaker 1: intelligence and just all the things. But before we get

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Speaker 1: into it, do you want to just explain to the

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Speaker 1: RNC fam a little bit about who you are and

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Speaker 1: what you do?

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Speaker 2: Okay, I'll give you the really quick version. So I

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Speaker 2: am an author. So I just wrote a book that

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Speaker 2: came out last year with my co host so co

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Speaker 2: author Marion Rose, called Raising Resilient Compassionate Children. I have worked,

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Speaker 2: i guess in the parenting space for probably over twenty

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Speaker 2: years now. So I used to work as a childbirth

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Speaker 2: educator and a dueller and a post natal trauma counselor.

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Speaker 2: So I spent a lot of years working in birth

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Speaker 2: with kind of new families, and then that moved into

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Speaker 2: working with the web parenting. So I would do workshops

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Speaker 2: and work one on one with families, and then that

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Speaker 2: increased to doing talks all over Austraya around just parenting

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Speaker 2: and how we can parent it consciously. I created my

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Speaker 2: own school a few years ago with my lovely partner

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Speaker 2: Mel You know, she came to me with an idea

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Speaker 2: of what if we created a school based on emotional

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Speaker 2: awareness and everything that I had kind of taught her.

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Speaker 2: She was of my client for quite a while. So

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Speaker 2: we opened our school within one primary a few years ago,

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Speaker 2: which I have to tell one of the hardest things

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Speaker 2: I have ever done, because building a school is really

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Speaker 2: really difficult. So I now look back and just think,

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Speaker 2: I'm like, God, I can't believe we actually did that.

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Speaker 2: So we do that, and these days, you know, I

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Speaker 2: do a lot of talks just traveling on astray, talking

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Speaker 2: about emotional awareness and imprints and who we are. And

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Speaker 2: probably my most important job is I'm a mama to

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Speaker 2: three beautiful humans. So my son is twenty three, and

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Speaker 2: then my daughter's nineteen, and then my other daughter is fifteen,

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Speaker 2: And no matter what I have done out in the world,

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Speaker 2: it is through raising them. I think that has taught

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Speaker 2: me the absolute most about how to be well, how

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Speaker 2: to deal with all your crap as a parent, and

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Speaker 2: also how to try and raise them into the world

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Speaker 2: so that they are well adjusted, brilliant humans.

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Speaker 1: That is just incredible. And I love that last bit

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Speaker 1: so much because I'm just I'm a new mama and

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Speaker 1: my daughter, iv She is about seventeen months now, and

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Speaker 1: she honest is already my greatest teacher. Like, yes, just

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Speaker 1: the transformation and evolution that I have had since having

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Speaker 1: Ivy and how much more I have been able to

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Speaker 1: understand myself and even know what's important to me and

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Speaker 1: know what I want just through having her has just

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Speaker 1: been the most incredible journey. And it's interesting because at

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Speaker 1: the start it was so hard and so difficult, and

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Speaker 1: my mindset around it wasn't what it is now. And

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Speaker 1: I've really had to, you know, go to the depths

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Speaker 1: and really understand that this gets to be a really

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Speaker 1: beautiful journey. And it's different and it's hard, but it's

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Speaker 1: like raising her and having her as one of my

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Speaker 1: teachers is just the greatest gift that you could be given.

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Speaker 2: I love that you see it that way because it

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Speaker 2: and then I love that you flagged. It wasn't always

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Speaker 2: feeling that way, And that is the whole journey of parenting,

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Speaker 2: isn't it. There's many times where it's like this, this

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Speaker 2: sucks and I don't enjoy it and this is really hard,

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Speaker 2: And then there's other days where you're like, wow, what

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Speaker 2: was life? Even I don't even know what life was

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Speaker 2: before I had this little human And I so agree

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Speaker 2: with you that raising children, and raising children with an

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Speaker 2: element of consciousness is one of the greatest spiritual quests

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Speaker 2: that we actually go on to do it because you

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Speaker 2: have to look at all your own stuff and it

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Speaker 2: tests you on so many levels. It's the greatest joy

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Speaker 2: and it can also be one of the greatest challenges.

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Speaker 2: But it's it is epic. It is completely epic, and

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Speaker 2: I think it's I love to hold a space appearance

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Speaker 2: to say there are times where you're not going to

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Speaker 2: love it and that is okay, and there's times where

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Speaker 2: you feel like you're nailing it and that's okay. And

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Speaker 2: then there's everything in between. And there is no perfect

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Speaker 2: parent and we are all doing the best job we

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Speaker 2: know how. And if we can turn up eighty to

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Speaker 2: eighty five percent of the time being calm and present

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Speaker 2: and connected with our kids, they just the luckiest kids

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Speaker 2: on earth.

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Speaker 1: And that's and look, yeah, on this podcast, we're very

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Speaker 1: raw and we're very honest. And that really was like

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Speaker 1: when I first became a mom, I had the thoughts

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Speaker 1: of like what have I done, Like, you know, really

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Speaker 1: really hard, and I've fully been to that place and

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Speaker 1: then fully had the journey of getting I guess being

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Speaker 1: able to you know, I guess it's all about perspective

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Speaker 1: and when you do have the tools to navigate parenting

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Speaker 1: differently and to see it as this beautiful journey it had. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's been like it's just opened my eyes and I

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Speaker 1: have now such a different, you know, relationship to what

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Speaker 1: motherhood is for me. And you know, a big step

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Speaker 1: of that was listening to your podcast that you used

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Speaker 1: to co host with Marion, which is the whare be

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Speaker 1: Aware of Parenting podcasts? But I remember sharing this with

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Speaker 1: my audience, so I had so many people intrigued. So

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Speaker 1: I do just want to go straight into that because

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Speaker 1: this has been such a big tool for me really

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Speaker 1: having my eyes and my mind open to there can

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Speaker 1: be a different way and parenthood actually gets to really

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Speaker 1: work for me and be this incredible journey that also,

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Speaker 1: like you said, includes unpacking a lot of your own shit.

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Speaker 1: But before we get into that, could you just explain

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Speaker 1: like what aware parenting is?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, for sure.

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Speaker 2: So Aware Parenting was created by doctor LEITHA. Salter who's

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Speaker 2: a Swiss American psychologist. So I think she wrote her

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Speaker 2: first book. Well, I always get this wrong as I

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Speaker 2: was in the eighties and it was called The Aware Baby,

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Speaker 2: and then she's written many books since then and they're

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Speaker 2: published all over the world. And the key philosophies of

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Speaker 2: we're parenting are you know, close sensitive achievement, so you know,

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Speaker 2: meeting kids need, meeting our babies and children's needs, so

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Speaker 2: kind of in that attachment parenting vibe, So staying really

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Speaker 2: close to your babies, you know, breastfeeding and and that

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Speaker 2: really gentle responsiveness to our beautiful kiddos. The second component

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Speaker 2: is using non punitive discipline, which means not using punishments

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Speaker 2: and rewards to get our kids to do what we

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Speaker 2: want them to do. And usually when I say that

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Speaker 2: to parents, they're like, okay, so if you don't do that,

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Speaker 2: what do you do though, because how.

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Speaker 4: Are we going to get our kids to do what

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Speaker 4: we want them to do.

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Speaker 2: The third aspect of it is helping our babies and

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Speaker 2: children heal from stress and trauma. And I think that's

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Speaker 2: where it probably where parenting sits a bit differently, is

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Speaker 2: that it really does hold space for the beauty of

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Speaker 2: expressing our big feelings, which is that we welcome tears

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Speaker 2: and upset, and we see it as a way for

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Speaker 2: the body's natural, inbuilt healing mechanism to be activated. So

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Speaker 2: I often talk about it in the context that many

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Speaker 2: of us when we were growing up got the message that,

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Speaker 2: you know, don't cry, don't be upset, or definitely don't

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Speaker 2: be angry, or you know, we were rewarded when we

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Speaker 2: were good boys and good girls. And I think where

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Speaker 2: parenting looks at it through the lens of we all

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Speaker 2: have feelings and emotions, all get angry, we all get sad.

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Speaker 2: We all have tensions and stresses and build up in

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Speaker 2: our body, and our natural way to move those tensions

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Speaker 2: and stresses and builds up is to cry. Sometimes it

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Speaker 2: is to rage. Sometimes we do it through laughter, sometimes

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Speaker 2: we do.

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Speaker 4: It through play.

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Speaker 2: But when we don't allow those expression of their feelings,

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Speaker 2: then often that creates tension in our bodies. We can

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Speaker 2: see that in little kids, you know that we can

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Speaker 2: often see that build up of tension and stress can

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Speaker 2: be manifest as hitting and biting other kids. It can

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Speaker 2: be not wanting to go to sleep. It can be

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Speaker 2: very very restless in our body. It can be whining

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Speaker 2: and complaining all the time because things don't feel good

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Speaker 2: and our natural state as humans is to be what

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Speaker 2: I call imbalance. So I always explain that we're either

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Speaker 2: in balance or out of balance. So when a child's imbalance,

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Speaker 2: you'll know because you can hear them singing in their bedroom,

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Speaker 2: or they'll come out and they want to show you

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Speaker 2: something really, you know, and they want to chat to you.

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Speaker 2: There's lots of eye contact, and usually when you ask

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Speaker 2: them to do something, they'll do it because they're in

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Speaker 2: balance within their beautiful bodies. When they're out of balance

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Speaker 2: is when we see them kind of walk into the

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Speaker 2: room and elbow their sister in the head, or go

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Speaker 2: up to the dog and pull its tail or, or

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Speaker 2: you know, nothing is right no matter what you do,

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Speaker 2: or even you know, when you ask them to do something,

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Speaker 2: they're just they don't listen to you, or they just

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Speaker 2: you know, they push back, or they complain or and

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Speaker 2: we can see that there's actually something going on behind

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Speaker 2: the behavior. So I think we're parenting on some level.

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Speaker 2: It takes a look at the whole child and says,

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Speaker 2: what is happening here in this little being spirit? And

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Speaker 2: in my words, how do we help them come back

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Speaker 2: into balance?

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Speaker 1: This was such a profound thing for me because growing up,

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Speaker 1: you know, I come from you know, two parents who

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Speaker 1: were both English, so expressing our emotions was not, you know,

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Speaker 1: not the norm. And I yeah, growing up, I remember

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Speaker 1: it was very much about almost being emotionless. Was yeah,

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Speaker 1: the good girl. It was, you know, if I could

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Speaker 1: be centered and emotionless, that's when I would get a

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Speaker 1: lot of praise. And then that really leaked into you know,

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Speaker 1: my teenage and my early adult years to me actually

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Speaker 1: experiencing a lot of anxiety and you know, sometimes depression

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Speaker 1: and going to a psychologist and her kind of explaining

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Speaker 1: that I didn't know how to express my emotions and

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Speaker 1: so they would get trapped and I would then suffer

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Speaker 1: a lot of mental health issues. And I remember like

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Speaker 1: when I had IVY, I then saw a psychologist and

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Speaker 1: you know, learned how to express myself. And I feel

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Speaker 1: like I am now on this past you know, where

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Speaker 1: I do express my emotions and me and my husband

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Speaker 1: are on the journey together. But it's interesting because it's

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Speaker 1: all coming up again now that I have IVY. And

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Speaker 1: it's funny because my parents are actually living with us,

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Speaker 1: and my parents are beautiful people, so loving, so kind,

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Speaker 1: like you ask any of my friends and they were

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Speaker 1: like the parents that they're like, they're the best parents,

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Speaker 1: so incredible, but just you know, didn't have the tools

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Speaker 1: or the knowledge that you know, expressing and showing your

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Speaker 1: emotions is actually really great. And it's and when I remember,

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Speaker 1: you know, listening to your podcast and doing a course

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Speaker 1: and aware of parenting is like to have I guess

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Speaker 1: the permission that it's like when a baby's crying, they're

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Speaker 1: just expressing and it's not you know, it's not this

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Speaker 1: quote unquote bad thing. Of course, they're expressing their needs

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Speaker 1: and we want to help their needs. But I actually

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Speaker 1: my daughter, she was very coloquy at the start, and

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Speaker 1: so I remember being so stressed. So you know, it's

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Speaker 1: the most like I found it traumatic, you know, to

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Speaker 1: have her crying all the time. And it's really interesting

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Speaker 1: because I really wish I had found the podcast a

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Speaker 1: bit sooner, because now, you know, going through Ivy's emotions

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Speaker 1: and her tantrums, I just see her crying and her

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Speaker 1: tan Trium's so different and I don't have the I

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Speaker 1: guess response that I did previously when she had colic.

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Speaker 1: Obviously it's different stages, but I just I can see

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Speaker 1: things in such a different light, and it's so helpful

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Speaker 1: for me. And it's funny because, like I'm saying, sorry,

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Speaker 1: my parents are staying with us, and mom and dad

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Speaker 1: were looking after her, and I got home one afternoon

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Speaker 1: and Dad's like, you know, she she's throwing some tantriums

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Speaker 1: like blah blah blah. And I was like, yeah, Dad,

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Speaker 1: she's just expressing herself, Like it's fine, She's allowed to

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Speaker 1: scream and throw herself on the floor and it doesn't

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Speaker 1: have to be this bad thing. But I could tell

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Speaker 1: it made my dad so uncomfortable. And then it was

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Speaker 1: really cool because it made me realize how far I've

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Speaker 1: come in regards to expressing my emotions and being okay

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Speaker 1: with her tantrums and being okay with her expressing herself

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Speaker 1: and that not stressing me out whereas it really did

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Speaker 1: as a newborn, and then even giving that to my

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Speaker 1: parents of saying it's fine if she, you know, throws

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Speaker 1: a tantrum. She's expressing herself and almost teaching them, and

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Speaker 1: it's like this really beautiful moment where it's making something

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Speaker 1: that used to feel so stressful, yeah, I guess, not

435
00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:30,359
Speaker 1: so much, and it feeling a lot better.

436
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:31,600
Speaker 4: I love that.

437
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,040
Speaker 2: I love that you are able to see that, and

438
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:38,560
Speaker 2: I think you have highlighted so many important pieces there,

439
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:41,360
Speaker 2: which is that well, firstly, I just want to really

440
00:24:41,359 --> 00:24:44,000
Speaker 2: acknowledge how beautiful your parents are. Right, So our parents

441
00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:46,000
Speaker 2: were doing the best job they know how right, And

442
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:48,359
Speaker 2: it's really important I think when we look at our

443
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:52,400
Speaker 2: parents to understand, they were probably never modeled emotional awareness

444
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:55,119
Speaker 2: or emotional intelligence. You know, they were probably not allowed

445
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,720
Speaker 2: to express their feelings. So of course, when we have

446
00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,399
Speaker 2: been conditioned to go will feelings are not okay, feelings

447
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,359
Speaker 2: are bad, we often just carry that on. And it

448
00:25:02,359 --> 00:25:04,560
Speaker 2: doesn't mean that we don't love our children desperately and

449
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,720
Speaker 2: we do anything for them. We often just don't have

450
00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:10,880
Speaker 2: the language of literacy around it. So then and then

451
00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:13,000
Speaker 2: the impact of that and what you hit on is

452
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:15,240
Speaker 2: I see with so many of the adults I work with,

453
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:18,320
Speaker 2: is when we have been conditioned to shut down our

454
00:25:18,359 --> 00:25:21,320
Speaker 2: feelings and emotions, they can turn up in mental health issues.

455
00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:23,920
Speaker 2: So they can turn up as anxiety, It can turn

456
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:26,320
Speaker 2: up as this fear of am I good enough? Do

457
00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:28,320
Speaker 2: people like me? Are they going to approve of me?

458
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,000
Speaker 2: Often when we are raised to be good boys and

459
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:33,320
Speaker 2: good girls then we grow up with a great fear

460
00:25:33,359 --> 00:25:35,960
Speaker 2: of taking risks and putting ourselves out there, because our

461
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:39,040
Speaker 2: narrative is I'm only lovable when I'm good, And what

462
00:25:39,119 --> 00:25:41,000
Speaker 2: if I'm not good here? Or what if I don't

463
00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:43,360
Speaker 2: look the perfect way? What if I don't match up

464
00:25:43,359 --> 00:25:46,720
Speaker 2: to what I'm perceiving society to be. So of course

465
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:49,240
Speaker 2: we often say stuck and a bit frozen because our

466
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:52,600
Speaker 2: story is around I need to be approved of in

467
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:55,160
Speaker 2: order to be okay. And then we also see things

468
00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:58,119
Speaker 2: like depression as well, which is, you know, depression.

469
00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,760
Speaker 4: Is pushing down, It is pushing.

470
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:04,639
Speaker 2: Down those feelings that often we haven't been invited to

471
00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:07,560
Speaker 2: express in healthy ways. So it makes a lot of

472
00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:09,280
Speaker 2: sense where we do have a lot of mental health

473
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:12,359
Speaker 2: issues because we're often not taught how to feel our

474
00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:15,280
Speaker 2: feelings in healthy ways. And then I love what you've

475
00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:19,200
Speaker 2: really highlighted there, because then we have beautiful little kiddos

476
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:22,280
Speaker 2: who come along and they're like, here's my feelings right,

477
00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:26,040
Speaker 2: And our instinct in that moment is this is dangerous.

478
00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:28,000
Speaker 2: I need to shut it down. I need to stop it.

479
00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:28,760
Speaker 4: So what do we do.

480
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:30,800
Speaker 2: We try and soothe them with everything that we've got.

481
00:26:31,119 --> 00:26:33,280
Speaker 2: We try and shush them all the time. We try

482
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:36,480
Speaker 2: and distract them, right, We do everything to stop the

483
00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:39,520
Speaker 2: feelings because in our own bodies, we often have a

484
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:42,879
Speaker 2: reaction that goes, this is not okay. And I think

485
00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:47,800
Speaker 2: the job of parenting is learning to be okay with

486
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:51,720
Speaker 2: the uncomfortable. It's learning to be okay with feelings. It's

487
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:54,199
Speaker 2: getting the knowledge and the information to understand that when

488
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:57,440
Speaker 2: you're beautiful one year old is having a tantrum because

489
00:26:57,440 --> 00:26:59,560
Speaker 2: they wanted the blue cup instead of the red cup,

490
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,280
Speaker 2: it's not your gorgeous little girl being naughty, and it's

491
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,560
Speaker 2: not your gorgeous little girl trying to push your buttons.

492
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:07,200
Speaker 2: You know, there's a build up of feelings like maybe

493
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:09,280
Speaker 2: she's been out all day and she hasn't seen you,

494
00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:13,360
Speaker 2: and you know, and maybe you know she was told

495
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:15,320
Speaker 2: to be a good girl all day, or something's gone on,

496
00:27:15,359 --> 00:27:17,719
Speaker 2: and then she comes home and comes back to you,

497
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,520
Speaker 2: which is the safe place, and all of a sudden,

498
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:21,960
Speaker 2: something just tips her over the edge and then all

499
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,520
Speaker 2: those feelings she's been hanging on to come pouring out.

500
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:28,280
Speaker 2: And I love this about us as humans is we

501
00:27:28,359 --> 00:27:31,440
Speaker 2: have a natural, inbuilt healing mechanism to find our way

502
00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 2: back into balance. Now, particularly for little people under the

503
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,360
Speaker 2: age of seven or eight, that looks like a big tantrum.

504
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:40,200
Speaker 2: It looks like crying, it looks like shaking, it looks

505
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:43,199
Speaker 2: like raging. It can even be laughing as well. But

506
00:27:43,359 --> 00:27:45,000
Speaker 2: I often say to parents, how many of you have

507
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,959
Speaker 2: experienced it when you, you know, cut your child's sandwich

508
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:49,720
Speaker 2: the wrong way or gave them the wrong clored cup

509
00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:53,000
Speaker 2: and then they had this massive meltdown and this huge

510
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:56,159
Speaker 2: storm comes and then you know, they get angry, and

511
00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,720
Speaker 2: then they move into those tears, and then those tears

512
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:02,160
Speaker 2: sophone to those kind of big sobs, and then they

513
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:04,200
Speaker 2: come really close to you, and then they just snuggle

514
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:05,879
Speaker 2: up to you and then they're like.

515
00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:08,080
Speaker 4: Let's read a book. You know, well what's for dinner?

516
00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:10,280
Speaker 2: And they just move on so quickly, and you're sitting

517
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:13,720
Speaker 2: there like, whoa, that was a hurricane, right, But what's

518
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:15,920
Speaker 2: happened in those moments is the body in the brain,

519
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,439
Speaker 2: it's something that call what it needs to, which is

520
00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:20,080
Speaker 2: reset itself and find its way back into balance. And

521
00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:23,400
Speaker 2: this is such a beautiful in built mechanism that we have.

522
00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:26,959
Speaker 2: But because we have been conditioned as a culture in

523
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:30,600
Speaker 2: this really strong behaviorism paradigm, which means we reward good

524
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:33,639
Speaker 2: behavior and we punish bad Most of us were not

525
00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:36,800
Speaker 2: taught that feelings are okay and how to actually be

526
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:40,120
Speaker 2: with them. And I love you know, I think through

527
00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:42,200
Speaker 2: doing this work that we are I am seeing such

528
00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:46,520
Speaker 2: a shift in welcoming of feelings. And the science really

529
00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:49,680
Speaker 2: supports the understanding of this that when we can help

530
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:52,760
Speaker 2: children to express their feelings in healthy ways, they grow

531
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:55,840
Speaker 2: up to be healthier adults. Because, as I'm sure you're aware,

532
00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:58,640
Speaker 2: you know, when we hold onto feelings, when we push

533
00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:02,239
Speaker 2: them down, when we onto our anger, resentment, bitterness, all

534
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:04,040
Speaker 2: that kind of stuff that can turn up his illness

535
00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:06,080
Speaker 2: in our body, you know, and that can often make

536
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:09,680
Speaker 2: us really really unhappy humans. So learning how to express

537
00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:12,640
Speaker 2: our feelings in health and healthy and safe ways, I

538
00:29:12,640 --> 00:29:16,280
Speaker 2: think is vital for well being and for having a

539
00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:18,080
Speaker 2: thriving human race.

540
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:24,760
Speaker 1: So vital. And it's interesting because I it's and this

541
00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:26,360
Speaker 1: is the whole reason why I wanted to have you

542
00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:29,920
Speaker 1: on the podcast is it's just not normalized like you

543
00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:33,320
Speaker 1: explaining it. So it seems so simple and so like,

544
00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:37,880
Speaker 1: of course that makes sense, but it's interesting because the

545
00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:40,560
Speaker 1: other day I did a story about Ivy and she

546
00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:43,360
Speaker 1: was just laying on the couch and so, yeah, she's

547
00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:45,640
Speaker 1: one and a half and she's going through that beautiful

548
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:49,240
Speaker 1: stage where you know she she understands life a bit more.

549
00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:51,680
Speaker 1: She can give you eye contact and say mummy, and

550
00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:56,120
Speaker 1: point for things and interact with you. And she's even like,

551
00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:58,160
Speaker 1: you know, she'll lay on the couch with me and

552
00:29:58,240 --> 00:30:01,640
Speaker 1: like do those little things that you know when the

553
00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:04,480
Speaker 1: younger they just they can't really doing it. It's so simple,

554
00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:07,600
Speaker 1: it's so small. And I did a story just on

555
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:09,560
Speaker 1: Instagram about it and I had, you know, like a

556
00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:13,640
Speaker 1: girl messaged me and I simply said something like, oh

557
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:15,560
Speaker 1: my god, I'm loving this stage. I didn't get the

558
00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:19,680
Speaker 1: newborn stage, the newborn bubble because of you know, her colic,

559
00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:23,680
Speaker 1: but I'm absolutely loving this toddler bubble. And a girl

560
00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:27,120
Speaker 1: messaged me and she goes, you just wait for the tantrums.

561
00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:32,360
Speaker 1: And it's so funny because I thought, I know it.

562
00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:36,320
Speaker 1: It's so like, oh, terrible twos and like tantrums, and

563
00:30:36,360 --> 00:30:40,240
Speaker 1: I'm like, and I said to her, oh, look, she's

564
00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:42,240
Speaker 1: already in the tantrums, like she's been doing that since

565
00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:46,040
Speaker 1: she was one, Like she's Ivy is well equipped to

566
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:49,000
Speaker 1: the tantrums, but I don't see it as a bad thing.

567
00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:52,200
Speaker 1: I welcome her tantrums, and I'm like, you know, like

568
00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:54,120
Speaker 1: she yeah, she has a big song, a dance, and

569
00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:57,160
Speaker 1: I see her throw herself on the ground and we

570
00:30:57,280 --> 00:30:59,160
Speaker 1: go through it, and I get on her level and

571
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:01,240
Speaker 1: I talk to her and she goes through it and

572
00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:04,520
Speaker 1: then she cuddles me and it's fine, and it's so

573
00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:09,920
Speaker 1: beautiful because I have that I guess perspective and knowledge

574
00:31:09,960 --> 00:31:13,520
Speaker 1: and tools that I can see her tantrums and love

575
00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:16,920
Speaker 1: them and think, wow, this is amazing. And then that

576
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:21,560
Speaker 1: other mom, I just thought, oh my god, imagine thinking

577
00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:24,360
Speaker 1: tantrums are bad. Of course you're not going to enjoy

578
00:31:24,440 --> 00:31:28,360
Speaker 1: the toddless stage. And it made me so sad again,

579
00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:31,520
Speaker 1: and I was just like, wow, this needs to be

580
00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:35,080
Speaker 1: no more. We need to normalize this and not see

581
00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:38,480
Speaker 1: it as oh my god, you know she's throwing a tantrum,

582
00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:41,080
Speaker 1: like what a bad girl, because like you said, it

583
00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:44,040
Speaker 1: just then goes into us not being able to express

584
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:47,200
Speaker 1: ourselves as adults and holding all that in, which is

585
00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:48,200
Speaker 1: just not healthy.

586
00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:51,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think it's a really important thing to

587
00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:55,520
Speaker 2: understand our culture and what we've lived in because you know,

588
00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:59,040
Speaker 2: classically we've been conditioned to see that upset and anger

589
00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:01,920
Speaker 2: and tantrum's not stuff is bad. And then we have

590
00:32:02,040 --> 00:32:04,440
Speaker 2: a bit of a narrative that goes, oh my god,

591
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:06,200
Speaker 2: if this is how they're behaving now, or what are

592
00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:07,800
Speaker 2: they going to be like when they're teenagers?

593
00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:09,920
Speaker 4: And you know, they need to know the.

594
00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:13,280
Speaker 2: Right thing to do they and really we reward good

595
00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:17,360
Speaker 2: behavior in our culture. We're all about be good, be compliant,

596
00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:21,040
Speaker 2: and I'll give you a gold star. And actually, you

597
00:32:21,080 --> 00:32:23,480
Speaker 2: know what happens when we do that, when we are

598
00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:26,920
Speaker 2: always wanting our children to be good, then it basically

599
00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:29,959
Speaker 2: teaches them to portray the parts of themselves that actually

600
00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:34,200
Speaker 2: feel angry and feel upset, or feel frustrated or feel

601
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:35,920
Speaker 2: that that isn't a strong yes for them.

602
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:37,520
Speaker 4: And so we breed a.

603
00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:39,600
Speaker 2: Whole lot of good boys and good girls. And often

604
00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:42,360
Speaker 2: what happens, as we've talked about, is we then grow

605
00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:45,160
Speaker 2: up to be teens that either push back really hard,

606
00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:48,320
Speaker 2: so they will find lots of risk taking behavior and

607
00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:50,000
Speaker 2: do a lot of numbing. And that's where we see

608
00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:52,680
Speaker 2: drugs and alcohol and pornography and all that risky stuff

609
00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:56,640
Speaker 2: or they become really quite anxious and become I must

610
00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:58,800
Speaker 2: succeed it or cost in order to be loved. And

611
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:01,040
Speaker 2: I always look at it like this. We want our

612
00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:04,920
Speaker 2: children to know that they are enough exactly the way

613
00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:07,720
Speaker 2: they are, that you love them when they're angry, when

614
00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:10,440
Speaker 2: they're sad, when they're frustrated, you also love them when

615
00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:14,200
Speaker 2: they're happy and they're joyous, and you know they're dancing

616
00:33:14,240 --> 00:33:17,560
Speaker 2: around the lound room. All of them is welcome. And

617
00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:21,479
Speaker 2: I think that us as adults, having to lean into

618
00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:24,480
Speaker 2: our belief systems around it and what we've been taught

619
00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:27,160
Speaker 2: and what we've been conditioned to believe, is really really

620
00:33:27,200 --> 00:33:29,760
Speaker 2: important in the way that we learn to respond to

621
00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:30,680
Speaker 2: our kids.

622
00:33:32,240 --> 00:33:38,480
Speaker 1: Yes, and you just described my teenage years. I would

623
00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:42,040
Speaker 1: love to go deeper on your kind of point of

624
00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:45,959
Speaker 1: view in regards to having a reward system and why

625
00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:48,840
Speaker 1: you don't. And it's interesting because me and my husband

626
00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:51,560
Speaker 1: have kind of been talking about this next step of

627
00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:56,280
Speaker 1: Ivy's development of you know, it's the old thinking of like, oh, well,

628
00:33:56,320 --> 00:33:58,240
Speaker 1: if I don't punish her, how will she know to

629
00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:01,840
Speaker 1: you know what to do in life? So I'd love

630
00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:04,479
Speaker 1: for you to talk more on that, and especially it

631
00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:07,120
Speaker 1: is hard when they're you know, they are so small.

632
00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:10,200
Speaker 1: But what's your kind of point of view on it?

633
00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:11,760
Speaker 4: Okay?

634
00:34:12,120 --> 00:34:14,120
Speaker 2: So I think when we look at something like Ivy,

635
00:34:14,160 --> 00:34:16,560
Speaker 2: who's you know, eighteen months and in that gorgeous and

636
00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:18,960
Speaker 2: it is such a beautiful, juicy phase, I just like

637
00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:21,560
Speaker 2: so beautiful. I look at my giant adult children now

638
00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:23,920
Speaker 2: and think, oh God, I missed that beautiful, little, squidgy,

639
00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:27,960
Speaker 2: gorgeous phase. I mean, at this age, it's all about exploration.

640
00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:30,239
Speaker 2: It's often all about modeling. What are we modeling to?

641
00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:34,360
Speaker 2: And children are watching constantly, constantly, And I think, particularly

642
00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:36,759
Speaker 2: with little people, when you got really little ones, we

643
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:40,279
Speaker 2: have to be really mindful of our expectations. I think

644
00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:42,279
Speaker 2: of what we're expecting them to do and what they're

645
00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:44,760
Speaker 2: capable of doing. I think when you have a child

646
00:34:45,160 --> 00:34:47,080
Speaker 2: who's a toddler and they've had a really big day

647
00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:49,480
Speaker 2: and they're tired and exhausted, it's going to be really

648
00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:51,600
Speaker 2: hard for them to cooperate. It's going to be really

649
00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:54,960
Speaker 2: hard for them to do what we say sometimes because

650
00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:57,279
Speaker 2: they may be exhausted and maybe they haven't had enough

651
00:34:57,280 --> 00:34:58,840
Speaker 2: connection with us, and maybe they've got a whole lot

652
00:34:58,880 --> 00:35:02,120
Speaker 2: of feelings they need to let out in order to cooperate.

653
00:35:02,680 --> 00:35:04,720
Speaker 2: So before I kind of go into the punishments and rewards,

654
00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:08,120
Speaker 2: I think it's really important to remember that children want

655
00:35:08,120 --> 00:35:10,400
Speaker 2: to do the right thing, like they want to feel

656
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:13,080
Speaker 2: connected to us. Their natural state is to be in

657
00:35:13,120 --> 00:35:17,359
Speaker 2: a place of balance and actually wanting to please us

658
00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:19,640
Speaker 2: and wanting to do the right thing. Now, there's a

659
00:35:19,680 --> 00:35:21,120
Speaker 2: few things that get in the way when it comes

660
00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:24,560
Speaker 2: to cooperation. So if a child hasn't got their needs

661
00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:27,160
Speaker 2: mat which means they're really hungry, or they're really tired,

662
00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:29,960
Speaker 2: or they haven't had enough cuddles with you for the day,

663
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:32,520
Speaker 2: or it's been really really busy, you know, then it's

664
00:35:32,520 --> 00:35:34,160
Speaker 2: going to be very hard for them to cooperate when

665
00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:37,399
Speaker 2: they've got you know, those needs haven't been met. Also, too,

666
00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:41,200
Speaker 2: if we haven't explained things or we have expectations that

667
00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:44,960
Speaker 2: are really a bit skew if around what we're wanting

668
00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:47,719
Speaker 2: them to do, that we can often look through a

669
00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:49,239
Speaker 2: lens of you know, why won't they just do what

670
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:51,120
Speaker 2: I want? When actually we're realizing, you know, it's a

671
00:35:51,120 --> 00:35:53,400
Speaker 2: big asked for two year old to get dressed by themselves, right,

672
00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:55,960
Speaker 2: that's probably not doable, so we often need to check

673
00:35:56,000 --> 00:35:58,799
Speaker 2: our expectations. But I think the third thing that's really

674
00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:02,200
Speaker 2: important to understand when it cooperation is that if a

675
00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:05,400
Speaker 2: child has got a big backpack full of feelings, I

676
00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:07,279
Speaker 2: call it a big backpack full of feelings, So you know,

677
00:36:07,360 --> 00:36:09,920
Speaker 2: they've had a big day, and maybe there's been a

678
00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:11,919
Speaker 2: whole lot of loud noises that have kind of freaked

679
00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:14,480
Speaker 2: them out, or maybe new babies come along into the

680
00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:17,000
Speaker 2: family and that feels really big, or you know, they

681
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:19,520
Speaker 2: haven't seen you all day, or whatever it is. They've

682
00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:22,239
Speaker 2: got a build up of stresses and tensions, and when

683
00:36:22,239 --> 00:36:24,239
Speaker 2: they are at a certain point we're asking them to

684
00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:27,160
Speaker 2: do something or wanting them to cooperate, sometimes those feelings

685
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:29,279
Speaker 2: are going to come pouring out and they're going to

686
00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:31,560
Speaker 2: push against what we're doing, and they need to release

687
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:33,920
Speaker 2: those feelings in order to come back into balance in

688
00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:36,840
Speaker 2: order to be able to cooperate. So then when we

689
00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:39,960
Speaker 2: kind of have that understanding of when we're looking behind

690
00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:42,040
Speaker 2: the child of all, right, well, where is my child

691
00:36:42,040 --> 00:36:44,040
Speaker 2: in this moment? And I often invite parents to do

692
00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:47,040
Speaker 2: this kind of scanning of them, so when their little

693
00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:50,160
Speaker 2: beautiful person walks into the room, imagine you are kind

694
00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:52,359
Speaker 2: of scanning them, you know, to go where are they

695
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:53,960
Speaker 2: in this moment? Are they in balance or are they

696
00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:56,280
Speaker 2: out of balance? What am I feeling? If I'm attuning

697
00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:58,960
Speaker 2: to them, I'm feeling they're pretty centered, They're pretty good.

698
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:02,200
Speaker 2: So they're play fullard's eye contact, you know, odds are

699
00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:04,360
Speaker 2: we going to be able to playfully do what we

700
00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:04,920
Speaker 2: need to do.

701
00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:06,399
Speaker 4: But if they're walking to.

702
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:08,520
Speaker 2: The room and I can see they're already agitated, or

703
00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:10,799
Speaker 2: I can see that there's something off, then our job

704
00:37:10,800 --> 00:37:12,759
Speaker 2: in that moment is not to come in hard and

705
00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:15,160
Speaker 2: heavy on them. Our job is to go, I can

706
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:17,799
Speaker 2: see something's here. How do I help them come back

707
00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:20,600
Speaker 2: into balance in order to feel centered again? And we

708
00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:23,319
Speaker 2: can do this through playfulness and laughter. We can do

709
00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:27,080
Speaker 2: it sometimes just from connection and being present. And sometimes

710
00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:29,000
Speaker 2: we do that by setting a limit you know, that

711
00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:31,200
Speaker 2: they can push up against and then those feelings can

712
00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:34,080
Speaker 2: offload and they can come back into balance. Now, how

713
00:37:34,120 --> 00:37:36,280
Speaker 2: does all this work with rewards and punishments? Well, rewards

714
00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:38,440
Speaker 2: and punishments, I often say, are the same side of

715
00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:41,879
Speaker 2: the coin. Really when we look at something like punishments,

716
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:44,319
Speaker 2: you know, and this does really tie into our guess

717
00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:47,359
Speaker 2: our cultural beliefs around we must make a child feel

718
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:50,200
Speaker 2: bad in order to make them do better. But I really,

719
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:52,640
Speaker 2: I really push up against this because I say, to

720
00:37:53,320 --> 00:37:56,279
Speaker 2: most adults, when you were punished, or you were smacked,

721
00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:58,680
Speaker 2: or you know, you had something taken away from you

722
00:37:58,680 --> 00:38:01,680
Speaker 2: because you did wrong, what did you end up feeling? Well,

723
00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:03,839
Speaker 2: maybe you didn't feel remorse around the thing you did,

724
00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:06,520
Speaker 2: but you ended up feeling pretty pissed off towards the

725
00:38:06,560 --> 00:38:09,480
Speaker 2: adults that were doing that, or you felt scared and

726
00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:13,520
Speaker 2: disconnected from them. And often what changes the behavior is

727
00:38:13,600 --> 00:38:16,719
Speaker 2: usually the threat to our attachment, not so much what

728
00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:19,439
Speaker 2: we've done wrong, because if we look at it from

729
00:38:19,600 --> 00:38:21,759
Speaker 2: through the lens of there is always a reason for

730
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:25,880
Speaker 2: their behavior, we then wouldn't necessarily use punishments as a

731
00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:28,719
Speaker 2: way to control our children. So you know, with my

732
00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:32,520
Speaker 2: own kids, I have never punished them. They've never been grounded,

733
00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:35,239
Speaker 2: they've never you know, we've never had that. Whenever my

734
00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:37,799
Speaker 2: kids have messed up, which they've messed up plenty, let

735
00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:40,920
Speaker 2: me just say they've been beautifully normal kids that have

736
00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:44,040
Speaker 2: made heaps of mistakes. Whenever they have messed up, my

737
00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:47,279
Speaker 2: first question has been, I wonder what's going on there? Right,

738
00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:49,799
Speaker 2: I'm going to get really curious abound why they've either

739
00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:51,680
Speaker 2: lied to me, or why they've done that thing, or

740
00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:52,720
Speaker 2: why they've hit their sister.

741
00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:54,600
Speaker 4: What is going on here?

742
00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:57,200
Speaker 2: So my first thing is to be really curious as

743
00:38:57,239 --> 00:38:59,719
Speaker 2: to what is sitting behind the behavior. Now, if I

744
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:02,160
Speaker 2: come hard on top of them and say, right, you

745
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:03,760
Speaker 2: can't see your friends for a week, or I'm taking

746
00:39:03,760 --> 00:39:05,719
Speaker 2: your phone away, or this is going to happen, and

747
00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:08,960
Speaker 2: that's going to happen, it's not addressing the why.

748
00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:09,719
Speaker 4: As to what they did.

749
00:39:10,280 --> 00:39:12,520
Speaker 2: Really, all it often does is can create a bit

750
00:39:12,520 --> 00:39:14,080
Speaker 2: more of a shame story, a bit more of a

751
00:39:14,120 --> 00:39:16,839
Speaker 2: story that says, well, you know, this adult who's meant

752
00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:18,840
Speaker 2: to love me is coming down hard on me, and

753
00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:21,440
Speaker 2: therefore maybe I'm not a good person. And then maybe

754
00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:24,439
Speaker 2: maybe I'm the problem. Not I've done something wrong, Maybe

755
00:39:24,480 --> 00:39:27,240
Speaker 2: I'm the problem. So for me, particularly with my kids

756
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:29,680
Speaker 2: when they did mess up or make mistakes as we

757
00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:31,960
Speaker 2: do as adults, I've messed up as a parent plenty,

758
00:39:32,640 --> 00:39:34,800
Speaker 2: my job is always to connect in and get curious

759
00:39:34,800 --> 00:39:36,880
Speaker 2: and to go I'm curious as to what was happening

760
00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:38,520
Speaker 2: for you? Why did you do that? Why did you

761
00:39:38,560 --> 00:39:40,879
Speaker 2: hear your brother? Or why did you tell me you're

762
00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:43,160
Speaker 2: going somewhere and then went somewhere else? What's happening here?

763
00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:44,759
Speaker 2: How have I let you down to not make it

764
00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:47,200
Speaker 2: safe enough for you to tell me the truth? And

765
00:39:47,320 --> 00:39:49,319
Speaker 2: what we want to do in those moments is keep

766
00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:51,480
Speaker 2: coming back to connection. Now. It also doesn't mean that

767
00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:53,720
Speaker 2: we don't say no. One set limits. You know, limits

768
00:39:53,719 --> 00:39:57,560
Speaker 2: are really important for children, and absolutely there's times where

769
00:39:57,560 --> 00:40:00,480
Speaker 2: we need to have strong nos, but we also want

770
00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:02,279
Speaker 2: to be aware of that. Maybe we might set a

771
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:04,000
Speaker 2: no for a child and if they've got a big

772
00:40:04,040 --> 00:40:06,120
Speaker 2: backpack full of feelings, well then they're going to have

773
00:40:06,200 --> 00:40:09,200
Speaker 2: big reactions to our nose and that is okay. They

774
00:40:09,239 --> 00:40:12,240
Speaker 2: are allowed to be upset that we say no around something.

775
00:40:12,920 --> 00:40:15,799
Speaker 2: But coming back to the punishment piece, I think what

776
00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:18,560
Speaker 2: we do in that moment is in for an adult,

777
00:40:18,719 --> 00:40:20,719
Speaker 2: it often comes to a place of I need to

778
00:40:20,719 --> 00:40:23,360
Speaker 2: control this situation, so I'm going to use my power,

779
00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:26,680
Speaker 2: my force, my size, my height to power over you

780
00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:29,440
Speaker 2: to take something away from you. And that often is

781
00:40:29,480 --> 00:40:32,520
Speaker 2: because as the adults, we're feeling fearful and we've also

782
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:34,919
Speaker 2: been conditioned to go you must make someone feel bad

783
00:40:34,960 --> 00:40:37,680
Speaker 2: in order to do better, Whereas here's the thing, kids

784
00:40:37,719 --> 00:40:40,640
Speaker 2: do better when they feel better. So when we can

785
00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:44,160
Speaker 2: actually come to a place where we are being curious

786
00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:47,040
Speaker 2: as to why they've done what they've done, have conversations

787
00:40:47,080 --> 00:40:49,200
Speaker 2: and connection about it. Like, you know, I remember my

788
00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:51,280
Speaker 2: son messed up some I think when he's like fourteen

789
00:40:51,360 --> 00:40:53,520
Speaker 2: or something, and his mate was with him, and his

790
00:40:53,600 --> 00:40:55,239
Speaker 2: mate was like, oh my god, your parent's going to

791
00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:57,040
Speaker 2: lose it, and he goes, no, no, no, my parents

792
00:40:57,080 --> 00:41:00,040
Speaker 2: just sit down and we talk all about it.

793
00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:01,200
Speaker 4: Good on you, buddy.

794
00:41:01,239 --> 00:41:03,600
Speaker 2: And then we sat down and we chatted and you know,

795
00:41:03,680 --> 00:41:05,799
Speaker 2: we got to the why, and then we'd have a

796
00:41:05,800 --> 00:41:09,520
Speaker 2: conversation about, you know, what would this look like, how

797
00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:10,480
Speaker 2: could we do this again?

798
00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:11,759
Speaker 4: What have we learned from this? Right?

799
00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:13,160
Speaker 2: And then we talked about what we learned from that,

800
00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:15,759
Speaker 2: and then we would always come back with and is

801
00:41:15,800 --> 00:41:17,000
Speaker 2: there repair needed here?

802
00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:18,040
Speaker 4: Is there apair?

803
00:41:18,200 --> 00:41:19,960
Speaker 2: Have you done something that needs to be repaired with

804
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:23,160
Speaker 2: someone else? Is there repair needed between us? What have

805
00:41:23,239 --> 00:41:25,359
Speaker 2: we learned? Because we're looking at our kids going we

806
00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:27,759
Speaker 2: want you to know that making mistakes is okay. That's

807
00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:30,440
Speaker 2: how we learn, it's how we grow. And often what

808
00:41:30,520 --> 00:41:33,200
Speaker 2: I have found with the thousands of parents I've worked with,

809
00:41:33,800 --> 00:41:36,000
Speaker 2: is when our child messes up and we punish them,

810
00:41:36,080 --> 00:41:39,040
Speaker 2: then what happens is our kids get really good at lying,

811
00:41:39,680 --> 00:41:42,239
Speaker 2: they get really good at hiding their mistakes, they get

812
00:41:42,239 --> 00:41:45,720
Speaker 2: really good at not being truthful. And my big invitation

813
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:49,360
Speaker 2: is this, you want your teenagers to know that you

814
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:52,279
Speaker 2: are the safest place to come, and they will know

815
00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:54,080
Speaker 2: you that's the safest place to come if we don't

816
00:41:54,160 --> 00:41:56,239
Speaker 2: use those punishments, because they're going to know, hey, if

817
00:41:56,280 --> 00:41:58,279
Speaker 2: I mess up, my parents are going to be there.

818
00:41:58,560 --> 00:41:59,799
Speaker 2: They're going to be able to listen to me. We're

819
00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:02,000
Speaker 2: going to work through it. They've got my back. And

820
00:42:02,040 --> 00:42:03,560
Speaker 2: we would say that to our kids, you're going to

821
00:42:03,600 --> 00:42:04,520
Speaker 2: make plenty of mistakes.

822
00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:05,120
Speaker 4: We know you are.

823
00:42:05,160 --> 00:42:08,040
Speaker 2: We made heaps of mistakes as teenagers, and we want

824
00:42:08,040 --> 00:42:10,120
Speaker 2: you to know if there's danger and there's risk and

825
00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:12,759
Speaker 2: something's big, then you call us and we'll come and

826
00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:15,360
Speaker 2: we'll always be there and we will learn and grow together.

827
00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:18,279
Speaker 2: And over the years, what I have witness is the

828
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:20,279
Speaker 2: times when my kids have messed up, they'll ring us

829
00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:22,759
Speaker 2: and go, I've made a mistake, I've messed up. I

830
00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:25,120
Speaker 2: need your help. Or you know, and they will come

831
00:42:25,160 --> 00:42:26,799
Speaker 2: and they will share, and we'll talk about it. We'll

832
00:42:26,800 --> 00:42:29,520
Speaker 2: find our way through, and that's all I ever wanted.

833
00:42:29,560 --> 00:42:31,439
Speaker 2: Both my husband and I were like, we just want

834
00:42:31,440 --> 00:42:33,280
Speaker 2: our kids to know that we are the safe place

835
00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:37,680
Speaker 2: and that all of them is lovable there. And ultimately,

836
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:40,759
Speaker 2: again when we come back to helping them be in

837
00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:43,640
Speaker 2: balance as possible, then they don't have to push up

838
00:42:43,680 --> 00:42:46,840
Speaker 2: against too many boundaries and they don't make as many crazy,

839
00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:50,239
Speaker 2: outrageous decisions and mistakes because you know they're getting their

840
00:42:50,280 --> 00:42:52,000
Speaker 2: needs met. They see that they don't have to do

841
00:42:52,080 --> 00:42:55,120
Speaker 2: it now. The flip side of that with rewards is

842
00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:59,160
Speaker 2: when we are praising children for being good all the time,

843
00:42:59,360 --> 00:43:01,560
Speaker 2: then the child creates a story that says, well, I'm

844
00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:04,600
Speaker 2: only lovable when I'm good. And then often what happens

845
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:07,600
Speaker 2: is they look for this external validation whenever we need

846
00:43:07,680 --> 00:43:10,040
Speaker 2: to do something. So it becomes a bit bit of

847
00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:11,560
Speaker 2: a pattern that you know, it might be that you

848
00:43:11,560 --> 00:43:14,960
Speaker 2: start giving your kids stars for cleaning up their bedroom

849
00:43:15,000 --> 00:43:17,080
Speaker 2: and then you know, stick our star, and then all

850
00:43:17,080 --> 00:43:18,720
Speaker 2: of a sudden they're like, I don't really care about stickers,

851
00:43:18,719 --> 00:43:20,440
Speaker 2: and then you start giving them a lollipop when they

852
00:43:20,480 --> 00:43:22,000
Speaker 2: do something good, and then they're like, ah, I don't

853
00:43:22,040 --> 00:43:23,799
Speaker 2: care about a lollipop, and then that turns into an

854
00:43:23,920 --> 00:43:27,200
Speaker 2: Xbox and then you're playing, you know, buying them computer games,

855
00:43:27,239 --> 00:43:28,759
Speaker 2: and then before you know it, you know you have

856
00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:30,520
Speaker 2: to buy them a brand new car just to finish

857
00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:33,200
Speaker 2: your twelve. Because they're only motivated by what are you

858
00:43:33,200 --> 00:43:35,640
Speaker 2: going to give me? Whereas what we want to do

859
00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:38,319
Speaker 2: is we want to create intrinsic motivation, which is I

860
00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:40,719
Speaker 2: want to do this because this feels good. I want

861
00:43:40,760 --> 00:43:42,759
Speaker 2: to do this because this is about helping others. I

862
00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:44,560
Speaker 2: want to do this because this is really kind to

863
00:43:44,600 --> 00:43:46,759
Speaker 2: the planet. I want to do this because this is

864
00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:49,319
Speaker 2: what we do to contribute to our family. I want

865
00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:51,640
Speaker 2: to do this because I love this and I'm passionate

866
00:43:51,680 --> 00:43:54,239
Speaker 2: about learning, not because of what I'm going to get

867
00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:55,080
Speaker 2: at the end of the day.

868
00:43:55,680 --> 00:43:58,120
Speaker 1: Oh my god, Lao, that is just I want to see.

869
00:43:58,120 --> 00:44:02,879
Speaker 1: It's like nearly tearing up that it was just it's

870
00:44:02,960 --> 00:44:09,240
Speaker 1: so incredible because it is it's like they're as parents.

871
00:44:09,520 --> 00:44:11,879
Speaker 1: I think it's because you also, you know, it's such

872
00:44:11,880 --> 00:44:16,799
Speaker 1: a big responsibility. You have this human that you're responsible for,

873
00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:20,240
Speaker 1: and it is a lot of pressure, and I notice,

874
00:44:20,400 --> 00:44:24,480
Speaker 1: like I want to go straight to control. I want

875
00:44:24,520 --> 00:44:27,439
Speaker 1: to control in the you know, the name of doing

876
00:44:27,480 --> 00:44:29,840
Speaker 1: the best thing for Ivy. But it is, it's like

877
00:44:29,960 --> 00:44:33,520
Speaker 1: this thing of like I must control this situation, I

878
00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:36,600
Speaker 1: must control you know, Ivy, And it is it's so

879
00:44:37,600 --> 00:44:42,399
Speaker 1: it makes me feel quite sad. And you know, it's

880
00:44:42,760 --> 00:44:47,920
Speaker 1: our society very much. That's the norm, and that's just

881
00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:52,080
Speaker 1: that's what it is. Like I have never heard, you know,

882
00:44:52,160 --> 00:44:55,719
Speaker 1: before we're parenting anyone talk about this. And it's like,

883
00:44:55,840 --> 00:45:01,160
Speaker 1: imagine if we raised our children that with there's no

884
00:45:01,400 --> 00:45:06,360
Speaker 1: punishments or rewards, and we treated them like humans, not

885
00:45:06,680 --> 00:45:11,000
Speaker 1: like less than And I think it's and I said

886
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:13,600
Speaker 1: this off air, but I listened to the podcast with

887
00:45:13,640 --> 00:45:19,120
Speaker 1: your son and everything you're saying, I remember hearing that

888
00:45:19,200 --> 00:45:23,040
Speaker 1: podcast and being like, this is the most like he

889
00:45:23,200 --> 00:45:28,000
Speaker 1: sounded like the most emotionally intelligent young male and I

890
00:45:28,080 --> 00:45:32,799
Speaker 1: was just blown away. And so everything you're saying, it's

891
00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:35,880
Speaker 1: really incredible that you also have older children, because I

892
00:45:35,880 --> 00:45:38,319
Speaker 1: feel like a lot of people like, oh, you know,

893
00:45:39,160 --> 00:45:41,040
Speaker 1: you know, you can say that in theory, but it

894
00:45:41,040 --> 00:45:43,960
Speaker 1: doesn't work. But you are such a testament to you know,

895
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:47,000
Speaker 1: I've listened to the podcast with your son and it's

896
00:45:47,160 --> 00:45:52,200
Speaker 1: really incredible, But it was making me really emotional because honestly,

897
00:45:52,440 --> 00:45:56,120
Speaker 1: it feels like the response in my body is almost

898
00:45:56,160 --> 00:46:00,920
Speaker 1: like an excel of relief of I can do things

899
00:46:00,920 --> 00:46:03,799
Speaker 1: a different way and I can you know, parent in

900
00:46:03,840 --> 00:46:07,360
Speaker 1: a way that feels better. And it isn't this I

901
00:46:07,400 --> 00:46:11,040
Speaker 1: don't want her to, like you said, be I guess

902
00:46:11,080 --> 00:46:15,239
Speaker 1: determine on always doing, always needing something to do the thing,

903
00:46:15,800 --> 00:46:18,759
Speaker 1: and being the good girl, and yeah, getting in a

904
00:46:18,800 --> 00:46:20,759
Speaker 1: position where she feels like she has to lie to

905
00:46:20,800 --> 00:46:23,400
Speaker 1: me because I've made her feel shame or guilt or

906
00:46:23,920 --> 00:46:26,120
Speaker 1: you know those feelings and her not feeling like she

907
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:29,000
Speaker 1: can express them to me. So it just feels so

908
00:46:29,080 --> 00:46:32,440
Speaker 1: incredible to me to understand that there is, you know,

909
00:46:32,640 --> 00:46:37,280
Speaker 1: a different way. I would love to inquire because it sounds,

910
00:46:37,360 --> 00:46:40,360
Speaker 1: you know, amazing, and I would love to know, Like

911
00:46:40,760 --> 00:46:44,360
Speaker 1: in regards to because Ivy is so small, do you

912
00:46:44,440 --> 00:46:48,920
Speaker 1: have like an example of us teaching her something right

913
00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:51,840
Speaker 1: now of you know, we do this or we don't

914
00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:54,520
Speaker 1: do that, and how that would look for a very

915
00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:55,160
Speaker 1: small human?

916
00:46:56,360 --> 00:46:56,880
Speaker 4: Yeah?

917
00:46:57,440 --> 00:47:00,759
Speaker 2: Well, I think I think firstly comes back to we

918
00:47:01,080 --> 00:47:06,359
Speaker 2: model like children are constantly watching us. So when you know,

919
00:47:06,400 --> 00:47:08,600
Speaker 2: when parents are saying, how do I teach my children

920
00:47:08,600 --> 00:47:10,719
Speaker 2: about empathy, I'm like, well, you don't teach them, you

921
00:47:10,800 --> 00:47:14,440
Speaker 2: just model it to them. You respond with compassion and kindness.

922
00:47:14,480 --> 00:47:16,880
Speaker 2: That's how they learn about empathy. When they've been responded

923
00:47:16,920 --> 00:47:19,520
Speaker 2: to in that way, then they naturally will do that

924
00:47:19,560 --> 00:47:22,160
Speaker 2: with others. What do we teach our kids about anger? Well,

925
00:47:22,160 --> 00:47:24,400
Speaker 2: do they watch us yell and scream and slam doors.

926
00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:26,520
Speaker 2: Then they go, yeah, okay, that's what anger looks like.

927
00:47:26,560 --> 00:47:27,399
Speaker 2: So that's what we do.

928
00:47:27,920 --> 00:47:29,799
Speaker 4: Now that's a lot of pressure. We can feel that and.

929
00:47:29,719 --> 00:47:33,480
Speaker 2: Think, oh my god, they're watching everything. But children come

930
00:47:33,520 --> 00:47:36,600
Speaker 2: along to make us be better humans, right, They come

931
00:47:36,640 --> 00:47:40,000
Speaker 2: along to go, hey, I am watching you, and I'm

932
00:47:40,080 --> 00:47:42,840
Speaker 2: basing what it is to be a person in the

933
00:47:42,880 --> 00:47:45,160
Speaker 2: world by what you are showing me. Now, that can

934
00:47:45,239 --> 00:47:48,480
Speaker 2: feel like a huge pressure. And even what you said before,

935
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:51,840
Speaker 2: our need to control kids, it comes from a place

936
00:47:51,880 --> 00:47:54,279
Speaker 2: of love. I know. It comes from love, our need

937
00:47:54,320 --> 00:47:56,480
Speaker 2: to fix their problems, our need to jump in and

938
00:47:57,160 --> 00:47:59,640
Speaker 2: try and make it all okay. It comes because you

939
00:47:59,760 --> 00:48:02,040
Speaker 2: love them so much and you don't want them to struggle,

940
00:48:02,080 --> 00:48:03,920
Speaker 2: and you don't want them to hurt. I know that

941
00:48:03,920 --> 00:48:07,120
Speaker 2: that is the motivation, right, So deep compassion, you know,

942
00:48:07,200 --> 00:48:09,480
Speaker 2: for everybody, because we all do that. I used to

943
00:48:09,520 --> 00:48:12,400
Speaker 2: do that too, Like you know, there's no perfect hear

944
00:48:12,480 --> 00:48:14,560
Speaker 2: like everything that they have messed up. As a parent,

945
00:48:14,600 --> 00:48:16,880
Speaker 2: I have totally messed up, and I've learned how to

946
00:48:16,920 --> 00:48:18,719
Speaker 2: repair and I've ausly learned how to be really kind

947
00:48:18,760 --> 00:48:20,840
Speaker 2: to myself and I've learned to know that it's a

948
00:48:20,840 --> 00:48:22,920
Speaker 2: beautiful work in progress. You know, the mom I am

949
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:25,320
Speaker 2: now after twenty three years to the mum I was

950
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:28,080
Speaker 2: when my son was two was very very different human

951
00:48:29,120 --> 00:48:31,400
Speaker 2: and all the growth and stuff I've done in between.

952
00:48:31,840 --> 00:48:32,720
Speaker 4: So when we come.

953
00:48:32,560 --> 00:48:36,759
Speaker 2: Back to how do we guide and teach our beautiful children, Well,

954
00:48:36,840 --> 00:48:39,560
Speaker 2: they listen and at that age, to at Ivy's age,

955
00:48:39,600 --> 00:48:41,880
Speaker 2: a lot of it is about repetition and modeling to

956
00:48:41,920 --> 00:48:44,600
Speaker 2: her what we do. It is also about, you know,

957
00:48:44,640 --> 00:48:48,120
Speaker 2: having an understanding about child development. You know that classic

958
00:48:48,160 --> 00:48:50,239
Speaker 2: thing of a child sitting in a high chair eating

959
00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:52,840
Speaker 2: food and they just pick up food and throw it

960
00:48:52,880 --> 00:48:54,800
Speaker 2: on the floor and then parents are like, ah, stop

961
00:48:54,840 --> 00:48:56,480
Speaker 2: throwing the food, and they do it again. They've trolled

962
00:48:56,520 --> 00:48:58,160
Speaker 2: on the floor and we could look at it and go, wow,

963
00:48:58,200 --> 00:49:01,279
Speaker 2: they're really actually just learning about gravity here. They're learning

964
00:49:01,320 --> 00:49:03,719
Speaker 2: about these textures, pushing it in their fingers and then

965
00:49:03,719 --> 00:49:04,439
Speaker 2: throwing it on the floor.

966
00:49:04,480 --> 00:49:05,960
Speaker 4: It happens when we do that, and then the dog

967
00:49:06,000 --> 00:49:08,520
Speaker 4: comes and eats it. That's hilarious. Okay, so we'll do

968
00:49:08,600 --> 00:49:09,040
Speaker 4: that again.

969
00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:13,040
Speaker 2: And so much of it is about being curious, is

970
00:49:13,120 --> 00:49:15,600
Speaker 2: what is this beautiful learning and development going on here?

971
00:49:15,600 --> 00:49:17,960
Speaker 2: And what are we modeling to them? And also, as

972
00:49:18,000 --> 00:49:21,799
Speaker 2: I pointed out before, what about our expectations of what

973
00:49:21,880 --> 00:49:25,040
Speaker 2: they can do? So you know, it's if we came

974
00:49:25,080 --> 00:49:26,920
Speaker 2: back to something like eating for a minute. You know,

975
00:49:26,960 --> 00:49:29,040
Speaker 2: when a child is really full up of feelings and

976
00:49:29,080 --> 00:49:31,399
Speaker 2: they've had a really big day, it is very hard

977
00:49:31,440 --> 00:49:34,440
Speaker 2: for them to sit and quietly and eat right. They

978
00:49:34,480 --> 00:49:36,759
Speaker 2: might need to burn off some energy first, they might

979
00:49:36,800 --> 00:49:38,960
Speaker 2: need to have a big cry, and then you might

980
00:49:39,000 --> 00:49:41,680
Speaker 2: find that they're more open to sitting there peacefully and eating.

981
00:49:41,760 --> 00:49:43,240
Speaker 4: And it's the same with things like sleep.

982
00:49:43,360 --> 00:49:46,040
Speaker 2: You know, if children are really wound up and they've

983
00:49:46,040 --> 00:49:48,200
Speaker 2: got a whole lot of feelings, that's very, very difficult

984
00:49:48,200 --> 00:49:50,440
Speaker 2: for them to go to sleep. So it's very normal

985
00:49:50,480 --> 00:49:52,840
Speaker 2: for most little people to have a big cry before

986
00:49:52,840 --> 00:49:55,160
Speaker 2: they go to sleep, because it's a beautiful natural way

987
00:49:55,200 --> 00:49:59,040
Speaker 2: that the body burns off stress and relaxes and releases

988
00:49:59,120 --> 00:50:02,440
Speaker 2: those tensions so that it can actually soften and you

989
00:50:02,480 --> 00:50:04,799
Speaker 2: know they're able to go to sleep. So I think

990
00:50:04,880 --> 00:50:07,520
Speaker 2: when it comes back to how we guide and teach

991
00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:11,040
Speaker 2: our children, it's firstly about always being super curious this

992
00:50:11,200 --> 00:50:14,319
Speaker 2: little human in front of me. What are my expectations here?

993
00:50:14,440 --> 00:50:16,480
Speaker 2: What am I seeing when I attune to them of

994
00:50:16,560 --> 00:50:19,279
Speaker 2: what they're doing? What am I modeling to them in

995
00:50:19,320 --> 00:50:21,560
Speaker 2: these moments, or the way I speak to them, the

996
00:50:21,600 --> 00:50:24,000
Speaker 2: way I show them how to do things, and what

997
00:50:24,120 --> 00:50:26,920
Speaker 2: is age appropriate here of what we can expect of

998
00:50:27,000 --> 00:50:29,640
Speaker 2: our beautiful kids. I mean, one of the things that

999
00:50:30,440 --> 00:50:32,440
Speaker 2: I do love over the years of working in this

1000
00:50:32,520 --> 00:50:35,440
Speaker 2: field is the power of play and the beauty of

1001
00:50:35,560 --> 00:50:39,560
Speaker 2: laughter for connection, but also looking at the children learn

1002
00:50:39,920 --> 00:50:42,319
Speaker 2: and process life through play. So if you ever want

1003
00:50:42,320 --> 00:50:44,080
Speaker 2: to know what's going on for a child, just watch

1004
00:50:44,080 --> 00:50:46,880
Speaker 2: them play. And so you will see this with beautiful

1005
00:50:46,960 --> 00:50:49,799
Speaker 2: kiddos that you know, you might have taken Ivy to

1006
00:50:49,840 --> 00:50:51,960
Speaker 2: a park and there's a big dog there, and she

1007
00:50:52,040 --> 00:50:54,080
Speaker 2: might have been really cautious about the dog. And then

1008
00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:56,839
Speaker 2: she comes home and she wants to play puppy dogs, right,

1009
00:50:56,880 --> 00:50:58,319
Speaker 2: And all of a sudden, she's a dog and she

1010
00:50:58,360 --> 00:51:01,040
Speaker 2: wants to bark at you, and and what's a beautiful

1011
00:51:01,120 --> 00:51:03,000
Speaker 2: response in that moment is to pretend that you're scared

1012
00:51:03,040 --> 00:51:05,680
Speaker 2: and jump back, and then she'll probably giggle because she

1013
00:51:05,800 --> 00:51:08,640
Speaker 2: scared you being the dog, right. And in moments like that,

1014
00:51:09,120 --> 00:51:12,040
Speaker 2: we can see the beautiful nature of play in helping

1015
00:51:12,080 --> 00:51:14,920
Speaker 2: to process events that have gone on for children. So

1016
00:51:15,040 --> 00:51:18,040
Speaker 2: I think when it comes to you know, what we

1017
00:51:18,080 --> 00:51:20,160
Speaker 2: want for our children, I think a really beautiful thing

1018
00:51:20,200 --> 00:51:22,120
Speaker 2: my husband and I did many years ago is to

1019
00:51:22,200 --> 00:51:25,080
Speaker 2: really tune into, well, what kind of values do we

1020
00:51:25,120 --> 00:51:27,680
Speaker 2: want our kids to have? What is it that we

1021
00:51:27,719 --> 00:51:29,759
Speaker 2: want for them in life? And I do tell this

1022
00:51:29,800 --> 00:51:31,600
Speaker 2: funny story when I remember saying to my husband what

1023
00:51:31,640 --> 00:51:34,680
Speaker 2: do we want for our son? And my husband was like, oh,

1024
00:51:34,719 --> 00:51:36,600
Speaker 2: he's got to have good rhythm. That was his first

1025
00:51:36,640 --> 00:51:38,719
Speaker 2: top of the list. He's got to have good rhythm.

1026
00:51:38,760 --> 00:51:40,640
Speaker 2: And I'm like, you just want him to be able

1027
00:51:40,680 --> 00:51:45,120
Speaker 2: to clap in time. He's like, he's like, I wanted

1028
00:51:45,160 --> 00:51:47,240
Speaker 2: to love music and have good rhythm because my husband

1029
00:51:47,280 --> 00:51:50,759
Speaker 2: loves music right, and he loves that. And sure enough

1030
00:51:50,760 --> 00:51:52,759
Speaker 2: my son djays now and has he can claugh in time.

1031
00:51:52,800 --> 00:51:55,799
Speaker 2: He's got great rhythm. But because that was something that

1032
00:51:55,840 --> 00:51:58,360
Speaker 2: he wanted. You know, my kids grew up around music

1033
00:51:58,400 --> 00:52:00,600
Speaker 2: all the time and so much different music, and all

1034
00:52:00,640 --> 00:52:02,960
Speaker 2: three of them have such a deep appreciation for music.

1035
00:52:03,280 --> 00:52:03,440
Speaker 4: Now.

1036
00:52:03,440 --> 00:52:05,799
Speaker 2: That just happened because that's what my husband modeled for

1037
00:52:05,880 --> 00:52:07,799
Speaker 2: me what I wanted. I wanted my children to be

1038
00:52:07,840 --> 00:52:10,840
Speaker 2: deeply in tune with themselves, to learn how to trust themselves.

1039
00:52:11,160 --> 00:52:12,960
Speaker 2: I wanted them to know that it was safe for

1040
00:52:13,000 --> 00:52:16,120
Speaker 2: them to speak their feelings and emotions. I wanted them

1041
00:52:16,160 --> 00:52:18,560
Speaker 2: to know how to repair and say sorry if things

1042
00:52:18,600 --> 00:52:20,720
Speaker 2: didn't go well. So all the things that I wanted

1043
00:52:20,760 --> 00:52:21,480
Speaker 2: I had to go well.

1044
00:52:21,480 --> 00:52:22,399
Speaker 4: Am I modeling that?

1045
00:52:22,719 --> 00:52:25,000
Speaker 2: I wanted them to learn how to take care of themselves,

1046
00:52:25,040 --> 00:52:28,040
Speaker 2: particularly my daughters. I grew up in an environment where

1047
00:52:28,400 --> 00:52:31,120
Speaker 2: women in our family are just powerhouses. You know, It's

1048
00:52:31,160 --> 00:52:33,160
Speaker 2: like if you're not doing four things at once, you're lazy.

1049
00:52:33,520 --> 00:52:35,600
Speaker 2: So I grew up with this really strong imprint of

1050
00:52:35,680 --> 00:52:37,719
Speaker 2: just keep going, keep going, keep pushing, keep doing things

1051
00:52:37,760 --> 00:52:40,200
Speaker 2: for everything out everyone else. And I was like, I

1052
00:52:40,200 --> 00:52:42,440
Speaker 2: do not want my daughters to do that. So then

1053
00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:44,560
Speaker 2: I had to go, well, they're watching me, what am

1054
00:52:44,600 --> 00:52:45,080
Speaker 2: I going to do?

1055
00:52:45,640 --> 00:52:46,680
Speaker 4: And that was one of the.

1056
00:52:46,640 --> 00:52:49,320
Speaker 2: Biggest game changes about self care for me and about

1057
00:52:49,360 --> 00:52:52,920
Speaker 2: taking care of my needs because they were watching. So

1058
00:52:52,960 --> 00:52:54,799
Speaker 2: I was like, right, I am going to model to

1059
00:52:54,840 --> 00:52:57,560
Speaker 2: them what really excellent self care looks like. I'm going

1060
00:52:57,600 --> 00:52:59,920
Speaker 2: to model to them, like what it looks like for

1061
00:53:00,160 --> 00:53:02,680
Speaker 2: me to really tune into myself and have strong yesses

1062
00:53:02,719 --> 00:53:05,239
Speaker 2: and knows about what I want to do because that's

1063
00:53:05,280 --> 00:53:07,719
Speaker 2: the women I want them to become. So what am

1064
00:53:07,719 --> 00:53:10,879
Speaker 2: I modeling to them? And I think if we can

1065
00:53:10,960 --> 00:53:13,000
Speaker 2: just keep coming back to who do we want our

1066
00:53:13,080 --> 00:53:15,880
Speaker 2: children to be in the world, Well, let's how do

1067
00:53:15,920 --> 00:53:16,680
Speaker 2: we show them that?

1068
00:53:16,719 --> 00:53:17,360
Speaker 4: Will we be that?

1069
00:53:17,920 --> 00:53:19,520
Speaker 2: You know? And if we can keep doing our own

1070
00:53:19,560 --> 00:53:22,279
Speaker 2: work and we can keep being that, then that's how

1071
00:53:22,320 --> 00:53:24,480
Speaker 2: our beautiful children are going to watch and witness.

1072
00:53:25,880 --> 00:53:29,600
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I'm actually getting so emotional talking about this,

1073
00:53:29,760 --> 00:53:33,719
Speaker 1: like oh because it's so simple, and it's like it's

1074
00:53:33,760 --> 00:53:37,120
Speaker 1: so interesting because I guess really I feel like the

1075
00:53:37,280 --> 00:53:39,960
Speaker 1: error that you know, my parents grew up in and

1076
00:53:40,160 --> 00:53:42,960
Speaker 1: I grew up and was like, you know, it's children

1077
00:53:43,200 --> 00:53:46,239
Speaker 1: are scene not hurt. And also it's like say what

1078
00:53:46,320 --> 00:53:49,880
Speaker 1: I do not as I do, yes, And I just

1079
00:53:49,960 --> 00:53:53,640
Speaker 1: think it's so refreshing and it's so beautiful that it's like, no,

1080
00:53:53,840 --> 00:53:58,080
Speaker 1: you have to have integrity with how you show up,

1081
00:53:58,480 --> 00:54:01,120
Speaker 1: and then your children will show up like that and

1082
00:54:01,160 --> 00:54:03,799
Speaker 1: then you can be so proud of not only yourself

1083
00:54:04,360 --> 00:54:07,360
Speaker 1: but also your child. And I think it's so beautiful

1084
00:54:07,360 --> 00:54:09,719
Speaker 1: of being like, well, what do you want to be

1085
00:54:09,920 --> 00:54:12,840
Speaker 1: important to them? Because it's got to be what's important

1086
00:54:12,840 --> 00:54:16,399
Speaker 1: to you. And it's like it might be a bit

1087
00:54:16,440 --> 00:54:19,040
Speaker 1: of a you know, this might be a bit of

1088
00:54:19,040 --> 00:54:22,520
Speaker 1: a full aha moment for so many parents who are

1089
00:54:22,560 --> 00:54:25,879
Speaker 1: already parents who are like, wow, I need to make

1090
00:54:25,960 --> 00:54:29,560
Speaker 1: some changes because what I'm currently modeling is not what

1091
00:54:29,640 --> 00:54:32,640
Speaker 1: I want from my children. And that's it. Like that

1092
00:54:32,680 --> 00:54:36,120
Speaker 1: feels like a lot. But also again, you know, touching

1093
00:54:36,160 --> 00:54:38,000
Speaker 1: on what I was saying at the start, like this

1094
00:54:38,200 --> 00:54:42,839
Speaker 1: actually gets to be the most incredible journey for yourself

1095
00:54:43,000 --> 00:54:47,040
Speaker 1: and for your children. So I think, I think that's beautiful.

1096
00:54:47,080 --> 00:54:49,640
Speaker 1: And it's like it's funny because when you were talking

1097
00:54:49,640 --> 00:54:52,840
Speaker 1: about that, I was reflecting of just something very simple

1098
00:54:53,400 --> 00:54:57,080
Speaker 1: of you know, Ivy throws her food and It's funny

1099
00:54:57,120 --> 00:55:00,480
Speaker 1: because on Sunday, Ivy was throwing her food on the

1100
00:55:00,480 --> 00:55:03,080
Speaker 1: floor and the dogs are eating it, and Tim's like, hey,

1101
00:55:03,200 --> 00:55:05,000
Speaker 1: you don't throw you know, don't throw your food on

1102
00:55:05,040 --> 00:55:06,920
Speaker 1: the floor. But then like two seconds later, we have

1103
00:55:07,440 --> 00:55:09,560
Speaker 1: we live right next to a nature reserve, so we

1104
00:55:09,600 --> 00:55:12,520
Speaker 1: have a lot of like natural birds, and they're come

1105
00:55:12,600 --> 00:55:14,520
Speaker 1: in and me and Tim are feeding them, and I

1106
00:55:14,560 --> 00:55:17,279
Speaker 1: was like, well, of course she's throwing her food off,

1107
00:55:17,320 --> 00:55:19,920
Speaker 1: Like here we are grabbing our food feeding the birds.

1108
00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:23,480
Speaker 1: Of course she wants to get involved. So it's so

1109
00:55:23,560 --> 00:55:26,640
Speaker 1: simple and it's so true, but it also gives you

1110
00:55:26,680 --> 00:55:28,799
Speaker 1: so much power that it's like you actually do have

1111
00:55:29,520 --> 00:55:33,040
Speaker 1: a lot of responsibility and power the way your children

1112
00:55:33,080 --> 00:55:34,000
Speaker 1: act as you have to be.

1113
00:55:34,040 --> 00:55:37,440
Speaker 2: At first, I think our kids are here to make

1114
00:55:37,440 --> 00:55:40,160
Speaker 2: as better humans. Like you know, we think that we're

1115
00:55:40,160 --> 00:55:42,160
Speaker 2: there to teach them, they're actually here to teach us.

1116
00:55:42,680 --> 00:55:44,600
Speaker 2: And I think that one of the most powerful things

1117
00:55:44,640 --> 00:55:48,160
Speaker 2: we can do as adults, and especially if you're a parent,

1118
00:55:48,600 --> 00:55:51,160
Speaker 2: is to own your own story so that when you

1119
00:55:51,200 --> 00:55:53,319
Speaker 2: do get angry with your kids and you find those

1120
00:55:53,360 --> 00:55:55,719
Speaker 2: they're just popping up, that is an invitation for you

1121
00:55:55,760 --> 00:55:58,200
Speaker 2: to take a breath and go what is here for me?

1122
00:55:58,719 --> 00:56:01,239
Speaker 2: What is going on is part of my past and

1123
00:56:01,320 --> 00:56:04,480
Speaker 2: my childhood and my wounds that are surfacing here. Is

1124
00:56:04,520 --> 00:56:06,919
Speaker 2: this just a sign that actually I'm really burnt out

1125
00:56:06,920 --> 00:56:09,680
Speaker 2: and I need a break? Is this gosh, I'm hungry,

1126
00:56:09,719 --> 00:56:11,440
Speaker 2: I haven't eaten all day. I need to take care

1127
00:56:11,480 --> 00:56:14,120
Speaker 2: of my needs. Whenever we're having a big reaction with

1128
00:56:14,120 --> 00:56:17,040
Speaker 2: our kids, it's a real invitation to pause and go,

1129
00:56:17,080 --> 00:56:18,080
Speaker 2: what is this about for me?

1130
00:56:18,719 --> 00:56:19,439
Speaker 4: Yeah?

1131
00:56:19,920 --> 00:56:24,759
Speaker 1: That's honestly, it's so refreshing and it's really incredible. The

1132
00:56:24,840 --> 00:56:27,600
Speaker 1: last thing I want to touch on is attachment play.

1133
00:56:28,040 --> 00:56:30,520
Speaker 1: So you kind of touched on this as it's the

1134
00:56:30,520 --> 00:56:34,640
Speaker 1: most beautiful, you know, almost like easiest thing to regulate

1135
00:56:34,680 --> 00:56:37,839
Speaker 1: our little humans. But could you just explain what attachment

1136
00:56:37,960 --> 00:56:41,160
Speaker 1: play is and almost just give us some examples because

1137
00:56:41,239 --> 00:56:43,480
Speaker 1: I found this really profound when I learned about it.

1138
00:56:44,440 --> 00:56:48,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, So attachment plays another term from a leaf assault

1139
00:56:48,680 --> 00:56:51,240
Speaker 2: in a We're parenting, which is really about using play

1140
00:56:51,280 --> 00:56:53,800
Speaker 2: to help children heal from stress and trauma and also

1141
00:56:53,800 --> 00:56:56,840
Speaker 2: to build connections. So a lot of attachment play stuff

1142
00:56:56,840 --> 00:56:59,399
Speaker 2: parents would naturally do anyway, and you probably don't even

1143
00:56:59,480 --> 00:57:02,560
Speaker 2: realize that you're doing it. So you've got basic things

1144
00:57:02,640 --> 00:57:05,480
Speaker 2: like this kind of non directed child center play, which

1145
00:57:05,480 --> 00:57:08,160
Speaker 2: is where children will just play, whether it's with toys

1146
00:57:08,280 --> 00:57:10,600
Speaker 2: or trucks or whatever, and they just make up stories

1147
00:57:10,640 --> 00:57:12,479
Speaker 2: and they might invite you to be in the game,

1148
00:57:12,480 --> 00:57:13,840
Speaker 2: and you just be part of it and you just

1149
00:57:13,920 --> 00:57:16,440
Speaker 2: watch and often they will play out whatever they're processing.

1150
00:57:17,080 --> 00:57:19,680
Speaker 2: You can do things like symbolic play, which is stuff

1151
00:57:19,680 --> 00:57:22,320
Speaker 2: that children will act out in order to process thing.

1152
00:57:22,360 --> 00:57:25,560
Speaker 2: So this is where kids might play doctors or dentists.

1153
00:57:25,000 --> 00:57:26,960
Speaker 4: Or hospitals, or schools or.

1154
00:57:27,000 --> 00:57:29,640
Speaker 2: Kinders, and they'll set up a whole game where they're

1155
00:57:29,720 --> 00:57:32,320
Speaker 2: usually the person that's in power, so they'll be the doctor,

1156
00:57:32,400 --> 00:57:34,919
Speaker 2: or they'll be the teacher for anyone who's got little ones,

1157
00:57:35,280 --> 00:57:37,240
Speaker 2: you know, a kindergarten or school. You know, often say

1158
00:57:37,240 --> 00:57:38,800
Speaker 2: if you want to know what's gone on throughout the day,

1159
00:57:38,880 --> 00:57:41,760
Speaker 2: play kinders and schools when they come home, because they

1160
00:57:41,760 --> 00:57:43,440
Speaker 2: will do a blow by blow account of what has

1161
00:57:43,480 --> 00:57:46,360
Speaker 2: happened in their day, and usually they'll be the teacher

1162
00:57:46,400 --> 00:57:48,520
Speaker 2: and make you them and it's quite interesting to watch

1163
00:57:48,560 --> 00:57:52,320
Speaker 2: how they process that. We can do beautiful things like

1164
00:57:52,360 --> 00:57:55,480
Speaker 2: regression play, which can be really powerful for kidos when

1165
00:57:55,880 --> 00:57:58,000
Speaker 2: they're about to often have a leap forward or there's

1166
00:57:58,040 --> 00:58:01,120
Speaker 2: big change in their family. Sometimes when a new baby's

1167
00:58:01,120 --> 00:58:03,520
Speaker 2: coming along, the older sibling or want to be the baby.

1168
00:58:03,600 --> 00:58:06,120
Speaker 2: They want to pretend that, you know, they're little and

1169
00:58:06,200 --> 00:58:10,080
Speaker 2: can't do anything, and that is again another beautiful way

1170
00:58:10,160 --> 00:58:12,640
Speaker 2: for children to process changes and shifts that might be

1171
00:58:12,680 --> 00:58:15,000
Speaker 2: happening in their world. And so I really invite parents

1172
00:58:15,040 --> 00:58:17,760
Speaker 2: to just love on them in those moments, you know,

1173
00:58:17,840 --> 00:58:20,080
Speaker 2: and go, you are my beautiful baby. You know, we

1174
00:58:20,120 --> 00:58:22,400
Speaker 2: often jump into this, no, you're the big brother or

1175
00:58:22,400 --> 00:58:24,560
Speaker 2: you're going to be the big sister, but actually in

1176
00:58:24,560 --> 00:58:26,760
Speaker 2: that moment, they're just needing some more of that beautiful

1177
00:58:26,760 --> 00:58:32,360
Speaker 2: connection and reassurance. We can do lots of beautiful power

1178
00:58:32,400 --> 00:58:34,520
Speaker 2: of vessel games, which are probably my favorites, which I

1179
00:58:34,520 --> 00:58:37,400
Speaker 2: think all children need, which are games where kids get

1180
00:58:37,440 --> 00:58:41,040
Speaker 2: to be stronger, faster, louder, tougher, all that kind of stuff.

1181
00:58:41,080 --> 00:58:43,600
Speaker 2: And when you think about it, children are pretty much

1182
00:58:43,600 --> 00:58:46,200
Speaker 2: told what to do all day, all the time, right,

1183
00:58:46,320 --> 00:58:48,520
Speaker 2: and so when we do power vessel games, it gives

1184
00:58:48,520 --> 00:58:52,720
Speaker 2: the child the opportunity to be in control. So power

1185
00:58:52,800 --> 00:58:54,480
Speaker 2: vessel game is one of the best things you can

1186
00:58:54,520 --> 00:58:56,640
Speaker 2: do before having to go to bed at night. And

1187
00:58:56,680 --> 00:58:58,440
Speaker 2: a power vessel game can be things like having a

1188
00:58:58,440 --> 00:59:01,160
Speaker 2: pillow fight on the bed. It can be wrestling where

1189
00:59:01,200 --> 00:59:02,600
Speaker 2: they're stronger than you.

1190
00:59:02,600 --> 00:59:04,040
Speaker 4: You know. It might be that they kind.

1191
00:59:03,880 --> 00:59:05,920
Speaker 2: Of slightly touch you and you pretend to fall off

1192
00:59:05,920 --> 00:59:09,200
Speaker 2: the bed and then they giggle and cackle hysterically. The

1193
00:59:09,360 --> 00:59:12,600
Speaker 2: laughter is the healing, you know. So we talked about

1194
00:59:12,600 --> 00:59:15,680
Speaker 2: tears are very healing and resetting, but laughter is equally

1195
00:59:16,040 --> 00:59:18,840
Speaker 2: as healing, and it's such a beautiful stress release. I

1196
00:59:18,920 --> 00:59:20,800
Speaker 2: used to I talk about that when my daughter was

1197
00:59:20,840 --> 00:59:23,920
Speaker 2: at school, when she was in kindergarten and prep and

1198
00:59:24,000 --> 00:59:27,040
Speaker 2: grade one. Whenever i'd pick her up, we'd get home

1199
00:59:27,080 --> 00:59:29,600
Speaker 2: and she'd go, right, we need to play Tarlie's rules.

1200
00:59:29,640 --> 00:59:32,880
Speaker 2: Her name is Tarlie. And what Tarlie's rules were for

1201
00:59:32,920 --> 00:59:35,240
Speaker 2: fifteen minutes or ten minutes or however long I had

1202
00:59:36,040 --> 00:59:36,520
Speaker 2: it was her.

1203
00:59:36,720 --> 00:59:37,520
Speaker 4: She was the boss of me.

1204
00:59:37,640 --> 00:59:39,400
Speaker 2: So she got to order me around, and now she

1205
00:59:39,480 --> 00:59:40,680
Speaker 2: absolutely loved it.

1206
00:59:40,720 --> 00:59:41,800
Speaker 4: She'd be like, you.

1207
00:59:41,800 --> 00:59:43,600
Speaker 2: Have to take four steps that way, and then you

1208
00:59:43,680 --> 00:59:45,240
Speaker 2: have to do this, and then you'd have to do that,

1209
00:59:45,280 --> 00:59:47,440
Speaker 2: and she'd make me do all these silly things and

1210
00:59:47,480 --> 00:59:49,720
Speaker 2: I would do it and then she would laugh hysterically,

1211
00:59:49,760 --> 00:59:51,919
Speaker 2: and I remember looking at it thinking, you know, she's

1212
00:59:51,960 --> 00:59:54,600
Speaker 2: been taking orders all day at kinda at school, and

1213
00:59:54,680 --> 00:59:57,439
Speaker 2: now is her time to find her power back within

1214
00:59:57,480 --> 01:00:01,280
Speaker 2: that And it also serve that purpose of and laughing

1215
01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:03,640
Speaker 2: but also giving her a little bit of power as well.

1216
01:00:04,000 --> 01:00:06,480
Speaker 2: And you can do power revessel games with tiny little people,

1217
01:00:06,520 --> 01:00:09,600
Speaker 2: like with Ivy. That could be like she holds something

1218
01:00:09,640 --> 01:00:11,880
Speaker 2: in her hand and you pretend that you might be

1219
01:00:11,880 --> 01:00:13,360
Speaker 2: scared of it, and then she touches you on the

1220
01:00:13,360 --> 01:00:15,560
Speaker 2: shoulder and you go and you pretend you get a fright,

1221
01:00:15,600 --> 01:00:17,560
Speaker 2: and then she'll probably giggle, and then she'll do it again,

1222
01:00:17,760 --> 01:00:20,480
Speaker 2: and then you know, and their power revessel games, right,

1223
01:00:20,520 --> 01:00:23,120
Speaker 2: And what we want to keep going for is laughter.

1224
01:00:23,280 --> 01:00:25,840
Speaker 2: If there is laughter, there is connection, and then there

1225
01:00:25,880 --> 01:00:29,840
Speaker 2: is often that beautiful stress release aspect that is actually happening.

1226
01:00:30,280 --> 01:00:33,160
Speaker 2: So play can be one of the most wonderful ways

1227
01:00:33,200 --> 01:00:35,520
Speaker 2: to connect. It can also be one a really brilliant

1228
01:00:35,560 --> 01:00:39,360
Speaker 2: way for children to offload feelings, and it's a wonderful

1229
01:00:39,400 --> 01:00:42,320
Speaker 2: way that they process life and traumas as well. So

1230
01:00:43,480 --> 01:00:46,040
Speaker 2: you know, there's some beautiful books out there around detachment

1231
01:00:46,080 --> 01:00:48,400
Speaker 2: play that are really and we talk about it in

1232
01:00:48,440 --> 01:00:50,080
Speaker 2: our book that Marion and I wrote. We've got a

1233
01:00:50,080 --> 01:00:52,160
Speaker 2: few examples of different kinds of play that you can

1234
01:00:52,200 --> 01:00:55,280
Speaker 2: do that are really really beneficial in just building that

1235
01:00:55,280 --> 01:00:58,760
Speaker 2: connection and helping our kids process.

1236
01:00:58,760 --> 01:01:02,080
Speaker 1: So incredible. I love that so much, and I'm reflecting

1237
01:01:02,240 --> 01:01:04,760
Speaker 1: and Tim and I been do that all the time

1238
01:01:05,000 --> 01:01:09,120
Speaker 1: where he pretends that, you know, she's just pushed them

1239
01:01:09,240 --> 01:01:13,320
Speaker 1: or something like that, and she laughs and laughs and

1240
01:01:13,400 --> 01:01:17,440
Speaker 1: her little giggle it's yeah, it's the best. That is

1241
01:01:17,600 --> 01:01:21,040
Speaker 1: the best. L Before you go, two questions. We ask

1242
01:01:21,160 --> 01:01:23,800
Speaker 1: every guest on the potty, what is the best advice

1243
01:01:23,920 --> 01:01:26,080
Speaker 1: you have ever been given.

1244
01:01:26,440 --> 01:01:29,200
Speaker 2: I think I've look lots of advice over the years.

1245
01:01:29,240 --> 01:01:31,760
Speaker 2: I'm a big fan of being the apprentice and learning.

1246
01:01:31,840 --> 01:01:34,200
Speaker 2: But I think one that sticks out to me that

1247
01:01:34,280 --> 01:01:36,680
Speaker 2: I've used for many years was probably about twenty years ago.

1248
01:01:36,760 --> 01:01:39,360
Speaker 2: One of my first teachers when I was working in

1249
01:01:39,440 --> 01:01:42,800
Speaker 2: birth she always used to talk about listening with gentle ears,

1250
01:01:43,440 --> 01:01:47,000
Speaker 2: and I remember that phrase so much of that when

1251
01:01:47,040 --> 01:01:50,320
Speaker 2: we're listening to others, can we listen with compassion because

1252
01:01:50,360 --> 01:01:53,920
Speaker 2: everybody has a story, and often we listen with judgment

1253
01:01:54,000 --> 01:01:56,120
Speaker 2: or fixes all those kind of things. But I love

1254
01:01:56,160 --> 01:01:59,040
Speaker 2: that she used to say, listen with gentle ears. And

1255
01:01:59,160 --> 01:02:01,280
Speaker 2: I've carried that with me most of my life, particularly

1256
01:02:01,280 --> 01:02:03,920
Speaker 2: as a therapist and a counselor and working with parents

1257
01:02:04,200 --> 01:02:06,960
Speaker 2: and even with my kids and my partner is to

1258
01:02:07,000 --> 01:02:11,240
Speaker 2: always listen with gentle ears. I think that's been something

1259
01:02:11,240 --> 01:02:13,000
Speaker 2: I've held with me for a really long time.

1260
01:02:13,680 --> 01:02:17,760
Speaker 1: That is so beautiful. And the last question, So, I

1261
01:02:18,560 --> 01:02:21,680
Speaker 1: have this huge thing about having core beliefs, and I

1262
01:02:21,720 --> 01:02:23,840
Speaker 1: think it's very similar to what you were talking about

1263
01:02:23,920 --> 01:02:27,200
Speaker 1: off air of like you know these stories we hold

1264
01:02:27,400 --> 01:02:29,880
Speaker 1: from childhood, and I like to make you know my

1265
01:02:29,960 --> 01:02:32,720
Speaker 1: own core beliefs. So an example of one of my

1266
01:02:32,760 --> 01:02:37,480
Speaker 1: favorite core beliefs currently is life happens for me. So

1267
01:02:37,920 --> 01:02:41,280
Speaker 1: for me, that has and it's something that got me

1268
01:02:41,320 --> 01:02:44,640
Speaker 1: through a really really dark time and it's something that

1269
01:02:44,680 --> 01:02:46,640
Speaker 1: I hold on to. I would love to know if

1270
01:02:46,680 --> 01:02:48,920
Speaker 1: you have a core belief you want to share with us.

1271
01:02:50,080 --> 01:02:52,040
Speaker 2: Yes, I have many, and I love that one that

1272
01:02:52,080 --> 01:02:54,240
Speaker 2: you said, that's beautiful, life is happening for you.

1273
01:02:56,200 --> 01:02:58,120
Speaker 4: Probably the core belief I've worked with.

1274
01:02:58,080 --> 01:03:00,720
Speaker 2: The most in the last few years is that I

1275
01:03:00,760 --> 01:03:04,600
Speaker 2: am enough where I am I do not have to

1276
01:03:04,680 --> 01:03:09,800
Speaker 2: be or do anything, but I am enough. And I

1277
01:03:09,840 --> 01:03:12,960
Speaker 2: have this beautiful mantra that I say when I wake

1278
01:03:13,040 --> 01:03:15,480
Speaker 2: up in the morning and you know, life is busy

1279
01:03:15,560 --> 01:03:17,080
Speaker 2: and you know you don't have to I don't have

1280
01:03:17,080 --> 01:03:19,600
Speaker 2: time for like you know, our spiritual practice.

1281
01:03:19,680 --> 01:03:21,000
Speaker 4: I've got like it's got to be two minutes.

1282
01:03:21,160 --> 01:03:21,320
Speaker 2: Yep.

1283
01:03:22,280 --> 01:03:24,840
Speaker 4: My practice is is so I often put.

1284
01:03:24,640 --> 01:03:27,080
Speaker 2: My hand in my heart and I say the words,

1285
01:03:27,200 --> 01:03:29,880
Speaker 2: remember who you are, And what I mean by that

1286
01:03:30,160 --> 01:03:33,200
Speaker 2: is remember that you're enough. You were always born enough.

1287
01:03:33,240 --> 01:03:35,400
Speaker 2: You are enough, and you don't have to look a

1288
01:03:35,400 --> 01:03:39,160
Speaker 2: certain way and or do anything in the world to

1289
01:03:39,400 --> 01:03:41,600
Speaker 2: prove that you are enough, just the way you are.

1290
01:03:43,080 --> 01:03:46,120
Speaker 1: That is so incredible. Thank you so much for sharing

1291
01:03:46,160 --> 01:03:49,240
Speaker 1: that with us, Layel. This has just been the most

1292
01:03:49,400 --> 01:03:53,200
Speaker 1: incredible chat and I think, honestly, this podcast is going

1293
01:03:53,280 --> 01:03:56,840
Speaker 1: to be so life changing for so many people to

1294
01:03:56,920 --> 01:03:59,360
Speaker 1: hear about this, to hear that you know, there is

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01:03:59,400 --> 01:04:02,000
Speaker 1: a different a different way if we want it, and

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01:04:02,640 --> 01:04:07,280
Speaker 1: it's actually gets to be the most incredible experience to

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01:04:07,640 --> 01:04:10,000
Speaker 1: you know, parent these little little beings.

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01:04:11,080 --> 01:04:13,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I love that. You know, you started a

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01:04:13,800 --> 01:04:16,560
Speaker 2: podcast like this of it doesn't have to be hard

1300
01:04:16,600 --> 01:04:19,120
Speaker 2: and there is no doubt that parenting is really hard,

1301
01:04:19,800 --> 01:04:21,360
Speaker 2: and a lot of the time it's hard is because

1302
01:04:21,360 --> 01:04:23,840
Speaker 2: we don't have the support we need, yeah, and because

1303
01:04:23,880 --> 01:04:26,640
Speaker 2: of our own stories and wounds. But I love to

1304
01:04:26,680 --> 01:04:29,960
Speaker 2: hold the possibility that parenting can be amazing and it

1305
01:04:30,080 --> 01:04:32,360
Speaker 2: is hard work. But when we kind of look at

1306
01:04:32,360 --> 01:04:34,880
Speaker 2: our stuff and look at some of our stories around

1307
01:04:34,920 --> 01:04:37,480
Speaker 2: what we believe around it, and you know, the things

1308
01:04:37,520 --> 01:04:39,880
Speaker 2: that we perceive to be true, when we can lean

1309
01:04:39,920 --> 01:04:41,640
Speaker 2: into those a little bit more than we have the

1310
01:04:41,720 --> 01:04:46,600
Speaker 2: absolute amazing opportunity to shift and grow and really enjoy parenting.

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01:04:47,440 --> 01:04:50,200
Speaker 1: I love that so much, and I look forward to

1312
01:04:50,400 --> 01:04:54,040
Speaker 1: listening to more of your work on that and following

1313
01:04:54,080 --> 01:04:56,760
Speaker 1: along because I have no doubt that it will be

1314
01:04:56,920 --> 01:05:01,760
Speaker 1: so incredible. Thank you well, Thank you so much. Could

1315
01:05:01,760 --> 01:05:04,280
Speaker 1: you let the RNC fam know where they can find

1316
01:05:04,320 --> 01:05:05,280
Speaker 1: you and all your things?

1317
01:05:06,880 --> 01:05:09,919
Speaker 2: Thank you well. You can find me at Layolstone dot

1318
01:05:09,960 --> 01:05:12,680
Speaker 2: com dot au. I often joke there is no other

1319
01:05:12,760 --> 01:05:14,920
Speaker 2: Layolstone in the world at the moment on Google, so

1320
01:05:15,040 --> 01:05:17,560
Speaker 2: if you google me, I'm the person that tends up.

1321
01:05:18,640 --> 01:05:21,080
Speaker 2: So you can find me at Laylestone dot com dot au.

1322
01:05:21,160 --> 01:05:23,640
Speaker 2: That's got all my stuff and all my socials are

1323
01:05:23,680 --> 01:05:26,400
Speaker 2: just at Layelstone, so you can find me on Instagram, Facebook,

1324
01:05:26,560 --> 01:05:27,800
Speaker 2: you know, all those kind of places.

1325
01:05:28,120 --> 01:05:31,600
Speaker 1: Amazing. Thank you so much for spending this hour with us,

1326
01:05:32,320 --> 01:05:39,400
Speaker 1: Thanks for having me. Thank you so much for listening

1327
01:05:39,440 --> 01:05:43,240
Speaker 1: to another episode of the Rise and Conquer podcast. If

1328
01:05:43,240 --> 01:05:45,960
Speaker 1: you enjoyed it and want more, come connect with us

1329
01:05:46,040 --> 01:05:51,360
Speaker 1: on Instagram at Riseinconquer dot podcast and join our Facebook

1330
01:05:51,360 --> 01:05:55,320
Speaker 1: discussion group, a Rise and Concer podcast community. We're an

1331
01:05:55,320 --> 01:05:58,160
Speaker 1: independent podcast and we have a small team, so we

1332
01:05:58,280 --> 01:06:01,120
Speaker 1: do appreciate your time and support. If you have a

1333
01:06:01,160 --> 01:06:05,320
Speaker 1: spare moment, a follow or subscribe on whatever platform you

1334
01:06:05,520 --> 01:06:09,160
Speaker 1: listen to would be so amazing, And look, if you're

1335
01:06:09,160 --> 01:06:13,480
Speaker 1: feeling extra kind, a review on Apple Podcasts would be great.