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Speaker 1: What does it really take to change your behavior for good?

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Speaker 1: We've all heard stories about people who have a brush

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Speaker 1: with death and change their ways forever, But what if

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Speaker 1: that's not always enough? It certainly wasn't for Dom Price

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Speaker 1: the work futurist for it. Lassian is a methodical thinker.

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Speaker 1: And if you've heard him on How I Work before,

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Speaker 1: because he's been on a few times, you know how

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Speaker 1: disciplined and purposeful he is. So why wasn't he focused

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Speaker 1: on his health until recently? Even after a cancer diagnosis.

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Speaker 1: Dom shares why his health journey really started and breaks

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Speaker 1: down the practices and habits that he's found most beneficial

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Speaker 1: so far. My name is doctor Amantha Imber. I'm an

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Speaker 1: organizational psychologist and founder of Behavior chain Consultancy Inventium, and

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Speaker 1: this is how I work, a show about how to

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Speaker 1: help you get so much more out of the hours

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Speaker 1: in your day. For the next few weeks, I am

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Speaker 1: deep diving into my guests habits and rituals around health.

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Speaker 1: We will be covering physical health, mental health, and emotional health.

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Speaker 2: And in case you.

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Speaker 1: Didn't know, my new book, The Health Habit has just

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Speaker 1: hit bookshelves in Australia. If you are stuck in a

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Speaker 1: cycle of unhealthy habits. Then the health habit will help

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Speaker 1: you design a personalized, science backed plan to change your

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Speaker 1: habits for good. Now onto my chat with Dom, which

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Speaker 1: starts with Dom explaining what got him rethinking his approach

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Speaker 1: to health.

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Speaker 3: The realization of health was a different phase to focusing

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Speaker 3: on health. So I thought I was mortal up until

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Speaker 3: February twenty twenty when I got diagnosed with bowcunter. I'm like, ah,

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Speaker 3: not a mortal. Turned out, life has an endpoint, and

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Speaker 3: that was, in theory, a real sharp shock.

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Speaker 4: To the system.

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Speaker 3: The thing is, for whatever reason, it didn't hit me

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Speaker 3: hard enough. It hit me, but it didn't grab me

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Speaker 3: and go change. It grabbed me and went, oh that's

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Speaker 3: a shock, carry on living. Right, So it's weird that

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Speaker 3: the mindset took a while to kick in. And actually

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Speaker 3: the real event that changed how I thought about health

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Speaker 3: was the rival of my twins. Right, so me and

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Speaker 3: my partner have thirty month old twin boys. Now that

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Speaker 3: was a shock that I wasn't ready for. I'd I'd

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Speaker 3: been around kids before I understood kids. But suddenly I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 3: I'm responsible. So if I reflect when I was diagnosed

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Speaker 3: and had my treatment and got better. I was single,

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Speaker 3: so there was no consequence to bad health. It was

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Speaker 3: all on me. If I accepted a work trip, it

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Speaker 3: was on me. If I missed something, it was on me.

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Speaker 3: Everything was on me. And then having a partner and kids,

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Speaker 3: You're like, ah, bugger, there's other people I'm responsible to now,

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Speaker 3: and so I'm not looking after my health for me

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Speaker 3: because I can trade that off. I'm looking after my

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Speaker 3: health for them because I owe them, right, I have

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Speaker 3: this responsibility to look after Rebecca and my partner and

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Speaker 3: my kids, and they're going to live for it.

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Speaker 4: Ends You're like, oh, oh, so now.

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Speaker 3: Health's a real thing, and so it's weird that it

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Speaker 3: triggered me in twenty twenty, that the real action probably

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Speaker 3: started in the last year and a half and became

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Speaker 3: way more profound when my mortality is now attached to

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Speaker 3: the life of others and I hadn't made that connection before.

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Speaker 1: I know, you almost think about your approach to health

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Speaker 1: and how you live your life almost in terms of

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Speaker 1: an operating model, and that makes sense because you work.

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Speaker 2: At a Lassian with the vint of engineers. So tell

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Speaker 2: me what changed for you when you suddenly become a

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Speaker 2: dad of twins.

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Speaker 3: So the first thing that changed was realizing that there's

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Speaker 3: still twenty four hours in a day, but there's more

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Speaker 3: things to do. So I was like, okay, that doesn't

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Speaker 3: compute my My mind kind of works on equations. I'm

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Speaker 3: a part mathematician, right, So I'm like, Okay, still the

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Speaker 3: constraint into twenty four hours. So I still want to

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Speaker 3: thrive at my job. Because I enjoyed my job. I

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Speaker 3: want to do well at that. I want to be

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Speaker 3: a really good friend. Social life very important to me.

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Speaker 3: I want to be healthy, exercise, want to be mentally healthy.

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Speaker 3: So wanted to do stuff for me. Got my partner,

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Speaker 3: so I want to do stuff with here. It's funness,

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Speaker 3: both experiences and kids. And you're like, well, that's not

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Speaker 3: twenty four hours anymore. That's like infinitely more than twenty

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Speaker 3: four hours. So my first sort of summation was I

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Speaker 3: can't be good at any of these things. I have

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Speaker 3: to be mediocre at all of them. And I was like,

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Speaker 3: that feels crap. That doesn't feel like something the highest

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Speaker 3: bye toy. So I was like, Okay, how do I

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Speaker 3: thrive at each of these? But it's still had up

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Speaker 3: for twenty four hours, and it became this focus of

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Speaker 3: trade offs. I'm like, okay, so socializing is important. How

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Speaker 3: can I be more purposeful with when I socialize with

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Speaker 3: the people that give me the biggest benefit. Who are

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Speaker 3: my friends that are like in a circle when I

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Speaker 3: hang out, we have unstructured, unfiltered conversations. I'm going to

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Speaker 3: spend more time with them, and maybe less time with

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Speaker 3: the random mates that I go for drink with because

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Speaker 3: there isn't as much time available. How can I be

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Speaker 3: more purpful with the kids? How can I be focused

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Speaker 3: at work so that the things I do a high

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Speaker 3: impact and not get to distracted by all the other stuff.

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Speaker 3: Now again, when it was just me, the other stuff

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Speaker 3: was fun. Distractions were great. Now a distraction cost me

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Speaker 3: time with the kids. That's a very different trade off, right,

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Speaker 3: if it's watch home and away or get distracted by work.

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Speaker 3: I'll get distracted by work. If it's spend an hour

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Speaker 3: with my kids who've just started walking versus get distracted

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Speaker 3: by work, I want to spend the time with the kids.

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Speaker 3: So the equation became different. So then it was a

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Speaker 3: rebalance of going, how do I squeeze these things in

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Speaker 3: and the biggest demon that I dealt with at that

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Speaker 3: time was guilt. And me and my girlfriends still talk

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Speaker 3: about this now. I showed it with her on the weekend.

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Speaker 3: We're out having a drink and I was like, I

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Speaker 3: feel like I don't do enough with the kids, and

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Speaker 3: she's like, you.

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Speaker 4: Do a huge amount.

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Speaker 3: Like she's telling me, She's given me all the reassurances

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Speaker 3: I need that I'm doing enough and that the things

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Speaker 3: I'm doing are the right things. When I'm like, but

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Speaker 3: I could be doing more, that little voice at the

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Speaker 3: back of the head, you could be doing more. But

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Speaker 3: the thing is, if I do more, it's at the

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Speaker 3: sacrifice of what. And if it's at the sacrifice of

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Speaker 3: my job and I'm the income in it right now,

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Speaker 3: that doesn't compute. If it's at the sacrifice of my socializing,

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Speaker 3: which is a small amount of time and means my

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Speaker 3: mental health drops, it's not worth it.

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Speaker 1: I've got a few questions around that. That is absolutely fascinating.

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Speaker 1: I want to come back to the guilt, but I

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Speaker 1: first want to ask about this decision making process. The

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Speaker 1: way you describe it, it's so clear and logical. Okay,

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Speaker 1: should I be spending time with a friend that you

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Speaker 1: know perhaps doesn't enrich me, or it's more superficial conversation

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Speaker 1: versus this friend where it's deeper and it's unfiltered, Or

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Speaker 1: should I be doing work at the expense of seeing

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Speaker 1: my kids walk? They seem like really clear decisions to

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Speaker 1: make when you present them like that, But I'm wondering

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Speaker 1: on a day to day level, how clear is that

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Speaker 1: decision making?

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Speaker 3: Because no Noki is all help. Yeah, so I learned

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Speaker 3: it by getting it wrong. So in the first ten

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Speaker 3: weeks I took some poternity to leave, but I didn't

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Speaker 3: want to dip my tael out of work. So like

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Speaker 3: Karen working but like just on my mobile phone. We

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Speaker 3: had the kids who were like, oh, twins, we've never

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Speaker 3: done this before. Well, it'll be fine as context. Neither

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Speaker 3: me and my partner has family in Australias. We've got

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Speaker 3: family in the UK who are like sharing lots of tech.

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Speaker 3: Were like, none of this works. Struggling throughout ourselves, you know, laundry, cooking, house,

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Speaker 3: children and each other, and I was just frazzled. And

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Speaker 3: so one of the things that we added into our

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Speaker 3: routine was there was this one moment and it's still

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Speaker 3: the case now kind of six thirty till seven fifteen pm,

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Speaker 3: Calm descends on the house. Right, it's bad time for

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Speaker 3: the kids. We get them dressed, they have the nighttime bottle,

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Speaker 3: and it's just peace. We can't do anything because we've

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Speaker 3: got a kid each that we're feeding. They're not going

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Speaker 3: to do anything.

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Speaker 4: They're chilled.

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Speaker 3: It's about bedtime. So it's the light to dance, a

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Speaker 3: nice setting. And the first time we did it, we're like,

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Speaker 3: how's your day, how's it going? Hos things? And it's

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Speaker 3: like not great, this didn't work. And we started talking

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Speaker 3: about it. We're like, oh, that feels fixable. So we

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Speaker 3: just share stuff, right, and we'd actually share. No, I

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Speaker 3: wouldn't call it feedback. It's not work, but it's like

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Speaker 3: we share observations, like so beckel Chas. She's like, I

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Speaker 3: feel like you're missing out on your friendship stuff and

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Speaker 3: that's affecting your mood. I was like, yeah, you probably right.

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Speaker 3: You know me better than anyone else, so yeah, you're

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Speaker 3: probably right. She's like, well, why don't you add in

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Speaker 3: the walk? Why don't you message your friend? Why don't

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Speaker 3: you do this? And then and I'd say, hey, well

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Speaker 3: why don't I have the kids on Sunday and you

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Speaker 3: catch with your and so would suggest us to each other.

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Speaker 3: We'd do that and you're like, oh, that feels better now.

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Speaker 3: The better was always one degree better. There is no

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Speaker 3: one day when we're like, here's the plan, here's the

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Speaker 3: routine we've Soul's parenting. You think that is a bair,

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Speaker 3: We're not going to achieve it. It was little tweaks

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Speaker 3: and it would work for a period of time. Then

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Speaker 3: the kids would change a milestone and start crawling, their

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Speaker 3: waking patterns change, and we'd revisit it. Right, So we

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Speaker 3: actually have a weirdly work like routine of one of

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Speaker 3: the milestones when we reflect and we reflect on what's worked,

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Speaker 3: what hasn't, and we make subtle changes and we put

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Speaker 3: those change into action. When we make the changes, we

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Speaker 3: reflect again, did that change work yeah or nay? Is

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Speaker 3: there something we used to do that work really well

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Speaker 3: with that we stopped doing for some reason, And how

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Speaker 3: do we add it back in and how do we

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Speaker 3: keep on making those tweaks at a micro micro level.

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Speaker 3: So on any one day, it's chaos, right, it's kids,

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Speaker 3: they're out of control. But within the chaos, we have

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Speaker 3: just enough structure where it's like, okay, we can work

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Speaker 3: this now. And the biggest assets in communication. I don't

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Speaker 3: think either me or my goe I said we were

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Speaker 3: amazing at communication before we were decent. We communicated probably

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Speaker 3: by accident because we just lived together and you just

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Speaker 3: you bump into each other occasionally. Whereas with kids we've

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Speaker 3: become very, very purposeful and very clear on communication. Not

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Speaker 3: only communication of which kid did you feed? Which one's

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Speaker 3: been changed, like the logistics, but clear with each other

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Speaker 3: about how we feel and where we're at.

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Speaker 1: Was that a deliberate choice or something that you just

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Speaker 1: naturally slid into at this evening hour where things are

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Speaker 1: just peaceful by chance?

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Speaker 3: I think it's because we both struggled through the first

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Speaker 3: ten weeks. It was a forcing qunction. It is like,

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Speaker 3: if this continues at this rate of struggle, it doesn't work.

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Speaker 3: So what what what is the where's the flex right?

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Speaker 3: It's not the kids right, you can't you can't reason

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Speaker 3: with them, so that demands fixed. So how do we

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Speaker 3: flex around it? And what does that smell look and

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Speaker 3: feel like? And then and then it's just like it

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Speaker 3: was admitting that we didn't know, and so My girlfriend's

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Speaker 3: are nutritionists and she's she's quite sort of research pace.

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Speaker 3: So she goes by all the books. She's like, I've

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Speaker 3: read the book and it says the child should feed

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Speaker 3: it this time and do this. And I was like,

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Speaker 3: but there's another book that says the opposite.

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Speaker 4: So which one is our child? Is it that book

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Speaker 4: or that book?

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Speaker 3: And like, well, there's two children, right, So so an example,

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Speaker 3: one immediately took to breastfeeding.

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Speaker 4: The other one was like, no, not a chance.

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Speaker 3: You're like, okay, they've come from the same two parents

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Speaker 3: who were born at the same time, so it's nature

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Speaker 3: Nurture're like, one of them just doesn't, right, so keep

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Speaker 3: it to a number two. It's been on the bottle's

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Speaker 3: entire life. He's like, not doing that. So we're like, ooh,

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Speaker 3: the book says one thing. Let's ignore the book. What

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Speaker 3: are we going to do because we're the parents, they're

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Speaker 3: the kids, and that's all anyone can judge, right, And

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Speaker 3: so we quickly got into a mode of going there's

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Speaker 3: lots of advice, there's lots of data points. What's our

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Speaker 3: decision of what kind of parents we want to be

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Speaker 3: and how does that evolve? That's way more important than

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Speaker 3: any book, So you use the book as a reference,

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Speaker 3: but not the guide. It's not prescribed. And then how

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Speaker 3: do we work through this? And one of the best

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Speaker 3: bits of there's two great bits of advice I got

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Speaker 3: when we had kids. One was don't listen to any

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Speaker 3: one look gause your advice. But now, well, a dad

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Speaker 3: said to me. He said, everyone will tell you that

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Speaker 3: this phase is bader than the next phase is better.

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Speaker 3: He said, it's not. He said, each phase is different.

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Speaker 3: There is no better. There's not like a month or

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Speaker 3: a year when you're like, they're the perfect kids for

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Speaker 3: that phase and then everything's rubbish afterwards or before. It's like,

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Speaker 3: each phase is different, it's not better. I was like, okay,

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Speaker 3: I like that. And the second one was find your

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Speaker 3: style of parenting that works for you, but always start

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Speaker 3: with forgiveness. And I was like, I pick this place.

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Speaker 3: And I was like, what do you mean by I

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Speaker 3: start with forgiveness? And they're like, you're going to be

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Speaker 3: so tired, so ratty with each other if you assume

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Speaker 3: the worst, everything's in argument.

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Speaker 4: If you start with forgiveness, everything will be fine.

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Speaker 3: I was like, yep, just etch that one at the

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Speaker 3: back of the head because it does it get it

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Speaker 3: gets tense, it gets along with my travel with family,

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Speaker 3: like there's a whole of stuff that just makes that

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Speaker 3: chaos even more chaotic. And it's like, always start with forgiveness.

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Speaker 3: And it's not that this phase is great or worse,

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Speaker 3: it's just different.

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Speaker 1: I want to talk about the guilt that you experience.

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Speaker 1: And it's interesting because I feel like I hear so

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Speaker 1: much about mother guilt, but I don't hear a lot

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Speaker 1: about father guilt.

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Speaker 2: And you know, and I've.

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Speaker 1: Thought of you at random points over the last year

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Speaker 1: with your journey and having twins, and I always think

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Speaker 1: about this time where my daughter's nine now, but we

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Speaker 1: went to sleep school when she was three months old

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Speaker 1: and she was not too bad sleeper, but being the optimizer.

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Speaker 2: That I am, it's like, how do we make this

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Speaker 2: even better?

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Speaker 1: And I remember in sleep school, everyone you know, was

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Speaker 1: like most people were on just their first child, and

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Speaker 1: it's I guess it's sort of easier then, but it's

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Speaker 1: still overwhelming. But there was one woman there and she

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Speaker 1: had twins, and I just remember like seeing her in

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Speaker 1: the corridors of this hospital and observing sort of how

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Speaker 1: she was applying all the strategies to these two unpredictable things,

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Speaker 1: and everything.

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Speaker 2: Is double, but it's it's harder than double.

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Speaker 3: It's not too the same, it's too different. Yeah, it's exponential. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: we learned that the hard way.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And so with the guilt, and I imagine it there

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Speaker 1: like I don't know if it's more than double the guilt,

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Speaker 1: but how do you how do you process that guilt

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Speaker 1: and move.

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Speaker 2: On from it as opposed to letting it eat you up?

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Speaker 3: Just talk about it. I mean that it comes in

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Speaker 3: many forms. A good example was I remember the first

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Speaker 3: time I actually physically went back into the office for

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Speaker 3: a day's work and I had some meetings. I was like,

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Speaker 3: I'm going in today. And then I remember getting into

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Speaker 3: the office and I got so much done that day.

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Speaker 3: I bumped into people, I had adult conversation. It was great.

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Speaker 3: And then and then I got a picture from a

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Speaker 3: girlfriend popery through the day and she's out with the

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Speaker 3: kids doing stuff, and I was like, oh, you're a

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Speaker 3: bad dad. It's not what she intended. She was sending

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Speaker 3: me a picture to remind me of like they were fine.

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Speaker 3: She was fine, they're having fun. But I was like,

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Speaker 3: you're a bad Dad, You're not there to help with feed.

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Speaker 3: You're not there all with the change. You're not like,

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Speaker 3: what are you? So you're having all this fun. You know,

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Speaker 3: you're having lunch, You're relaxing. You're not going to carry

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Speaker 3: in the world. I did have a car in the world.

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Speaker 3: I had meetings and work to do. But to go

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Speaker 3: into that adult mode and be wholly focused on that,

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Speaker 3: it's very different from my work from home mode. My

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Speaker 3: work from home mode is a lot of context switching.

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Speaker 3: It's I'll do a meeting, I'll do a workshop, I'll

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Speaker 3: do a zoom call, and then I'm like, I got

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Speaker 3: a half hour break. What can I do in that

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Speaker 3: half hour? I'm not getting ahead with work. I'm like,

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Speaker 3: I can help a echo something, i can put some

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Speaker 3: laundry on, I can cook some food and nip the

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Speaker 3: seed Mike or whatever. Because I'm playing two roles at

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Speaker 3: the same time, and I like that duality. I'm fine

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Speaker 3: with it. Like it's it's actually quite modal and it works.

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Speaker 3: I'm like spike of work. You know, I start early

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Speaker 3: in the morning, seven am us calls brilliant hold of

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Speaker 3: the stuff, and I'm like, right, I'm going to the supermarket.

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Speaker 3: I can't do a supercowers to come back decent more meetings,

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Speaker 3: decent war works, and I'm like, right, I'm going to

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Speaker 3: cook some food. My brains trust I'll cook some food,

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Speaker 3: do some more stuff, bath the kids, and I'm like,

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Speaker 3: I've got an house worth of working me right, I'm

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Speaker 3: going to get so so that modular works. But there's

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Speaker 3: no guilt with it when it's modulo, because I get

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Speaker 3: a little bit sprinter on the day when it's binary.

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Speaker 3: When it's Dad walks out the door and leaves and

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Speaker 3: I'm sat there, even though my commuter works fourteen minutes,

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Speaker 3: for those fourteen minutes might as well be a million

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Speaker 3: miles because I'm like, I can't help if something goes wrong, right,

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Speaker 3: and if you need me, if one kid's done something

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Speaker 3: to the nappy and the other one needs a feel

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Speaker 3: if something happens and you've got one set of hands

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Speaker 3: and two kids, I'm not there to help. And that

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Speaker 3: just filled me with guilt. So I was like, Okay,

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Speaker 3: that feels normal, like in a natural response. So I

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Speaker 3: talked to my girlfriend about it. I'm like, here's how

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Speaker 3: I feel like, and it's weird because I want to

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Speaker 3: do more time at home, but I need to. And

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Speaker 3: she's like, you are the primary earner. You keep a

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Speaker 3: roof overhead. Part of your role as dad is to

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Speaker 3: maintain that job, and that's part of your job. Don't

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Speaker 3: feel guilty. So then it's like, okay, cool, how do

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Speaker 3: we handle this? So the way we handle it is

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Speaker 3: early warnings. So I'm like, I communicated with work, with

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Speaker 3: my team, my extended team at work, and I'm like,

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Speaker 3: if you want me to travel for work, I need

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Speaker 3: at least six weeks notice. So like why, I was like,

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Speaker 3: because that's the only fair thing to do, right, The

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Speaker 3: only fair thing for Beckery is to go right. In

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Speaker 3: six weeks, I'm going to Nashville. I'm going to be

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Speaker 3: away for a week. Let's plan for that, knowing that

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Speaker 3: we can't plan for it because stuff's going to happen

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Speaker 3: that's out of our control. But what are the things

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Speaker 3: we need to get in place so you're comfortable for

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Speaker 3: that week? And I'm comfortable and not feeling guilty because

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Speaker 3: if I go to Nashville but my head's still in

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Speaker 3: Sydney because I feel guilty, then I'm doing need the

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Speaker 3: job well.

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Speaker 4: So when I'm in.

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Speaker 3: Nashville, I have to immerse, I have to be unapologetic,

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Speaker 3: and so it was fascinating. I got some really bad

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Speaker 3: advice from a friend, which was, when you're traveling, don't

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Speaker 3: tell your partner how much fun you're having, which kind

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Speaker 3: of makes sense, right, you don't want to rub it in.

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Speaker 3: But then with one trip, I like I was down

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Speaker 3: playing it and Becky was like, are you're not enjoying it?

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Speaker 3: I was like, I'm actually having a really good time

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Speaker 3: and I'm getting a lot done. She's like, good, that's

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Speaker 3: why you're there, Like do that and I'm like, yeah,

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Speaker 3: why am I pretending that it's rubbish when it's not?

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Speaker 3: And so again we've been unapologetically honest with each other.

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Speaker 3: She's unapologistically honest if she's struggling or if he's going

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Speaker 3: really well, and vice versa, right, And so that candor

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Speaker 3: and openness has really helped. And then the forward planning, right,

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Speaker 3: and then just knowing what is that ritual? So we

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Speaker 3: have a silly ritual. I do all the cooking in

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Speaker 3: the house. Ill of cooking is my relaxation and you.

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Speaker 1: Take lots of photos of it as well, which I appreciate. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: So the.

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Speaker 3: Rule is is before I go on a trip, I

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Speaker 3: cook all the meals. So the other week I was

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Speaker 3: in Portugal for an event with one of Alastian's large customers.

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Speaker 3: Flew out on a Sunday Saturday afternoon, went to the seedmarket,

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Speaker 3: filled the trolley and had a great time. I cooked

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Speaker 3: four different meals for Becka, her old housemate moved in

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Speaker 3: for the week. She's like, if you cooking that food,

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Speaker 3: I want to come and hang out. And I put

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Speaker 3: all the meals for the kids, which's great. That was

400
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Speaker 3: my therapy, right, I genuine enjoy it. But cooking all

401
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Speaker 3: that takes that takes the guilt away, takes the pressure

402
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Speaker 3: off the freezer. The fridge is full, so there's one

403
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Speaker 3: less thing to worry about. I know you're going to

404
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Speaker 3: be fed. Anything else we can work out afterwards, right,

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Speaker 3: So it's little tips and tricks of how we balance

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Speaker 3: it to front load back end stuff and then just

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Speaker 3: communicate about it.

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Speaker 2: It just sounds idealic, how giver esque.

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Speaker 1: I guess it sounds like you both are and how

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Speaker 1: thoughtful you both are. I know that something you know

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Speaker 1: that has been a struggle to work out and get

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Speaker 1: right is after you know you've got these two beautiful

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Speaker 1: boys that are thirteen months old. What happens to intimacy?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean it's probably the most profound experience of

415
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Speaker 3: the kids arriving. So I want to break it into two.

416
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Speaker 3: There was, how like the intimacy under the panel of

417
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:59,479
Speaker 3: like admiration for each other, Skyrockety went through the roof.

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Speaker 3: So I just like on a daily basis, hourly basis,

419
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Speaker 3: would just sit there in awe, right as this person

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Speaker 3: who I'd only been dating for like two and a

421
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Speaker 3: half three years and we're madly in love, but you're

422
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Speaker 3: like it's new still, right, and so you've got this admiration,

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Speaker 3: and then these two kids arrive and you're like, oh,

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Speaker 3: this is a whole new role for both of us.

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Speaker 3: But the way she stepped into that, I'm like, oh, like,

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Speaker 3: it's likely been doing this forever, like like not in

427
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Speaker 3: a complete naturally, she wasn't skipping around the house with

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Speaker 3: the head done. She's she's wearing a dirty dressing gown

429
00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:29,480
Speaker 3: covered in kids sick. But the way we just navigated it,

430
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:32,840
Speaker 3: I just honestly watching all What I didn't realize was

431
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:34,720
Speaker 3: she was watching in all in reverse, right, And so

432
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,240
Speaker 3: there was a few nights where we'd share that, and

433
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,320
Speaker 3: we talked to each other, not in a gushy, in

434
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,280
Speaker 3: a going like I feel like I'm more in love

435
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,080
Speaker 3: with you, I feel more connected to you. All these

436
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:45,600
Speaker 3: things are amazing. Flip of that, right, the physical side

437
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:50,919
Speaker 3: of intimacy disappears, right, combination of exhaustion, kids latched on

438
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,200
Speaker 3: to mother, there's a whole little logistical things, the fact

439
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,480
Speaker 3: that the kids are in the bedroom. We like, there's

440
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,479
Speaker 3: a whole stuff going on, and so it was a

441
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:02,440
Speaker 3: non sacrifice, no own trade off. But also you get

442
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,560
Speaker 3: to that point of going, I still have that need

443
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:08,120
Speaker 3: and it's not like a caveman craviny. It's a closeness.

444
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,560
Speaker 3: It's a proximity, right, and so you can replace that

445
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:13,240
Speaker 3: with hugs and holding each other. And we did a

446
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,240
Speaker 3: huge and still do a huge amount of that. But

447
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,600
Speaker 3: I remember early on having this conversation and I think

448
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,960
Speaker 3: I don't know how it started, but it ended up

449
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:23,639
Speaker 3: with is both apologizing, right, apologizing for what we were thinking,

450
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:25,840
Speaker 3: not what we were doing, but what we were thinking.

451
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,280
Speaker 3: And I think we both end up chuckling, going we

452
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:31,359
Speaker 3: should have spoken about this earlier and didn't, because it's

453
00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:33,960
Speaker 3: like the elephant in the room that intimacy isn't there,

454
00:19:34,119 --> 00:19:35,880
Speaker 3: and we both know it's not there, and we're both

455
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:39,240
Speaker 3: okay with it, but for some weird fear of repercussions,

456
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:40,560
Speaker 3: neither of us have said anything about it. So we're

457
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:41,720
Speaker 3: having this chat in our head.

458
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:42,520
Speaker 4: That never ends.

459
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:45,840
Speaker 3: Well, right, no, no, So stop chating about it in

460
00:19:46,119 --> 00:19:49,840
Speaker 3: our head, and let's have the conversation openly, like what

461
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,720
Speaker 3: does that mean? And how would we tap into that?

462
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,560
Speaker 3: And when's the right time and what does it feel

463
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,760
Speaker 3: like now? Because it's different, right, and it is just different.

464
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:02,240
Speaker 3: And so we had a brilliant conversation about it about

465
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:04,520
Speaker 3: how were we going to find a way not of

466
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:06,960
Speaker 3: reconnecting because we hadn't lost a connection, but there was

467
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,360
Speaker 3: an element of our balance that was missing on purpose.

468
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,560
Speaker 3: How do we then add that in on purpose but

469
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,200
Speaker 3: not in some cheesy fashion like I'm not going to

470
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,560
Speaker 3: put Barry White on a Tuesday night and seen agy

471
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:22,040
Speaker 3: like that's not happening, but nor can it be Like

472
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,800
Speaker 3: it's two pm, I've not got a meeting kids down,

473
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:28,760
Speaker 3: She'd be like, so accidentally become really transactional. This is going,

474
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:32,000
Speaker 3: you know what the fundamentals there, like we're madly in

475
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:35,000
Speaker 3: love with each other, so we're good. It's about the

476
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,880
Speaker 3: building blocks and that combination. So the more we had

477
00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:39,960
Speaker 3: that conversation and put each other at ease. She was

478
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,280
Speaker 3: worried about my feelings, I was worried about hers. The

479
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:43,920
Speaker 3: more we put it ease, the more naturally be came.

480
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:48,560
Speaker 1: I can imagine with intimacy though, And what I think

481
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,359
Speaker 1: is really common with a lot of new parents is

482
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:57,520
Speaker 1: that the in heterosexual relationships, the woman's needs are really

483
00:20:57,560 --> 00:20:59,399
Speaker 1: different from the man's needs. And so what do you

484
00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:02,200
Speaker 1: do in the situation where like, you've connected, you've talked,

485
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,800
Speaker 1: you've talked about the elephant in the room, but your

486
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:06,920
Speaker 1: needs are just different.

487
00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:08,560
Speaker 2: How do you navigate that?

488
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:10,960
Speaker 3: I think just I mean, the first step for me

489
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,600
Speaker 3: is always understanding. So I'm like, I'm not a woman,

490
00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:16,840
Speaker 3: so I'm like, I know lots of them, but I'm

491
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:18,600
Speaker 3: not going to pretend I can understand how any of

492
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,600
Speaker 3: you work. So just tell me, like, tell me how

493
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:23,919
Speaker 3: you're feeling right now. And so there was times actually

494
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,600
Speaker 3: that the first few times we had breathing space, we

495
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,680
Speaker 3: probably just lie in the bedroom going okay, kids are down,

496
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,680
Speaker 3: and got the monitor, normally got a cup of tea.

497
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:33,159
Speaker 3: It's the middle of the day, it's middle of the night.

498
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:34,680
Speaker 3: Who knows what time it is. You lost all track,

499
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,199
Speaker 3: but you lay there and you're like, we now have

500
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:38,639
Speaker 3: room to have a conversation. It's like, how are you

501
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,879
Speaker 3: feeling about this? Like what what is your mood? And

502
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,879
Speaker 3: where's your mind at versus your body? Right, So that

503
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:47,199
Speaker 3: became a fascinating conversation for going no, no, I know

504
00:21:47,359 --> 00:21:50,399
Speaker 3: mentally that's maybe where we want to go. Physically, that

505
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:53,200
Speaker 3: ain't going to happen, right, We're not in that place yet.

506
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:58,280
Speaker 3: So pause, like, there's no rush, this isn't this isn't urgent.

507
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:02,160
Speaker 3: It's important, And so that gave a chance to go, okay,

508
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,040
Speaker 3: it's fine, like no one's going to die from this,

509
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,280
Speaker 3: Like it's good. And so just having that conversation and

510
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:10,280
Speaker 3: going where where's the and again it sounds mechanical and working,

511
00:22:10,359 --> 00:22:11,119
Speaker 3: where's the trade off?

512
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:11,280
Speaker 1: Right?

513
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,000
Speaker 3: What is the And it's like, well, there's no, there's

514
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,880
Speaker 3: no urgency. So it's fine as long as we're having

515
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,960
Speaker 3: conversations about it. If it becomes a to be so,

516
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,399
Speaker 3: then it's like, what are the signals we're going down

517
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:23,560
Speaker 3: the wrong path When it becomes a taboo topic, right,

518
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:27,040
Speaker 3: if it's a taboo topic, all bets are off. We're broke, right,

519
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,199
Speaker 3: So it's like, well, it's not, so let's keep the

520
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:32,520
Speaker 3: conversation going. And when it happens, it happens, and it's good.

521
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,800
Speaker 3: And by the way, you know, not last time it happened,

522
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:36,680
Speaker 3: but one time it happened, you created twins. So let's

523
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:42,040
Speaker 3: just pause and I understand the repercussions now. And so

524
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,919
Speaker 3: it became like take the pressure off. And then instead

525
00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:48,359
Speaker 3: of it being about intimacy sex, it became about what

526
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,560
Speaker 3: are the ways in which we connect which are meaningful,

527
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,639
Speaker 3: and so having that conversation around going. If you think

528
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:56,479
Speaker 3: about that headline of intimacy, there's many things contribute to that.

529
00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,520
Speaker 3: It could be holding hands, it could be me cooking

530
00:22:58,560 --> 00:22:59,920
Speaker 3: a dinner, it could be a hold of stuff where

531
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,120
Speaker 3: you So, here's my way of communicating that I care

532
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:04,560
Speaker 3: about you and love you. One of those is sex.

533
00:23:05,119 --> 00:23:07,399
Speaker 3: And when that's missing, it can put the pressure on

534
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:09,840
Speaker 3: the rest if you don't talk about it. And then

535
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:12,359
Speaker 3: when you talk about it like all solvable, all doable.

536
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:14,439
Speaker 3: And by the way, our expectations of each other are

537
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:17,680
Speaker 3: completely different because we have two absolutely mental kids running

538
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:19,680
Speaker 3: around the house, So it is just at some point

539
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:21,560
Speaker 3: you're going to go. It is what it is. It's

540
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:22,119
Speaker 3: just different.

541
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:29,280
Speaker 1: We will be back soon with Dom talking about one

542
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:33,480
Speaker 1: of his favorite and most important rituals for his mental health.

543
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:36,359
Speaker 1: If you're looking for more tips to improve the way

544
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,720
Speaker 1: you work and live, I write a weekly newsletter where

545
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,640
Speaker 1: I share practical and simple to apply tips to improve

546
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:46,359
Speaker 1: your life. You can sign up for that at Amantha

547
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:55,840
Speaker 1: dot substack dot com. That's Amantha dot substack dot com.

548
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:59,440
Speaker 1: I know that one of your most important mental health

549
00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:02,560
Speaker 1: rituals is the walk that you do on Saturdays. Can

550
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,080
Speaker 1: you tell me about how that started and what role

551
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:05,600
Speaker 1: that says?

552
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:08,760
Speaker 3: It started in the five Klamus five kilometer lockdown in

553
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,919
Speaker 3: the pandemic. ME and a friend and we'd occasionally catch up.

554
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:14,280
Speaker 3: We were each other's person for a while, and then

555
00:24:14,359 --> 00:24:16,600
Speaker 3: we quickly realized it was just about a five kilometer

556
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:19,400
Speaker 3: overlap at this central point where we park and then

557
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:22,040
Speaker 3: and when then we'd do a lap and it became

558
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:24,800
Speaker 3: a mental healthy In the pandemic, we're both struggling with

559
00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:28,800
Speaker 3: with loneliness and separation. Our work had fundamentally changed. We're

560
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:31,840
Speaker 3: both quite extrivated, outgoing people, We're suddenly working at a

561
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,280
Speaker 3: desk and a screen, Like a whold of stuff changed, like,

562
00:24:34,359 --> 00:24:35,840
Speaker 3: let's just hang out and connect on it. And it

563
00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:39,000
Speaker 3: became a very therapeutic exercise, you know. Then then me

564
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:41,000
Speaker 3: and Becker felt pregnant, you know, and there's a whole

565
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:43,240
Speaker 3: of stuff for him happening and me happening. And so

566
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:46,000
Speaker 3: we connected on it. And then when the pandemic restrictions ease,

567
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:48,640
Speaker 3: were like should we should we we keep that, We'll

568
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:50,320
Speaker 3: keep that, We'll keep that, and so we kept it.

569
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:52,120
Speaker 3: And then and then it stopped for a while when

570
00:24:52,119 --> 00:24:54,040
Speaker 3: the kids were going and I'm like, ah, such such

571
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:56,600
Speaker 3: things gone wrong overnight. I feel guilty leaving the house

572
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,119
Speaker 3: living Becka. She's exhausted, kids were exhausted. And I dropped

573
00:24:59,119 --> 00:25:00,639
Speaker 3: it a few times and then he Becka said to me,

574
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:03,040
Speaker 3: shoes like you need to add that back in, like

575
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:05,000
Speaker 3: you're clearly missing out its like I am. It's a

576
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:07,800
Speaker 3: bouncing act for me, right when I adding that positive

577
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:10,280
Speaker 3: electronic deals with some negative electrons, it just bounces out.

578
00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:13,080
Speaker 3: So more often than not, unless one of us have

579
00:25:13,119 --> 00:25:15,159
Speaker 3: got something crazy going on, we have this catch up.

580
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,359
Speaker 3: There's never an agenda, there's never a topic. We just

581
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:20,080
Speaker 3: go and we joked about it this Weeking says like

582
00:25:20,359 --> 00:25:23,560
Speaker 3: it's a joint therapy. Sometimes it's more of me we

583
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:26,440
Speaker 3: struggles and he's helping, or fifty to fifty. It's never

584
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:28,959
Speaker 3: very rarely is it one person dominating, but there's always

585
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:30,800
Speaker 3: a different like here's the thing I've dealt.

586
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,439
Speaker 4: With in the last week. Helped me unpack it.

587
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:34,399
Speaker 3: We've got this brutal honesty with each other where you

588
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,399
Speaker 3: can't get away with any bs. So that really helps,

589
00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:39,120
Speaker 3: like that they're calling on that and we've got each

590
00:25:39,119 --> 00:25:41,399
Speaker 3: other back. It's like, hey, thinking about it differently, what

591
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:45,440
Speaker 3: about this perspective? But it's funny how I can't It's

592
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,840
Speaker 3: not because any like Kine of six secrecy that I

593
00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:50,080
Speaker 3: can't tell you what we talked about. It's just a

594
00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:53,159
Speaker 3: free flowing conversation that at the end of that Saturday morning,

595
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:56,840
Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm good. Things are good, and so having

596
00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:59,679
Speaker 3: that has really helped. And then I've multiplied it by

597
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:02,159
Speaker 3: saying once I tapped into that, I was like, Okay,

598
00:26:02,359 --> 00:26:04,000
Speaker 3: what else can I do for mental health? And the

599
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:07,000
Speaker 3: second step with my soccer team, so you know, in

600
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:10,600
Speaker 3: the pandemic, we lost a few games and we couldn't play,

601
00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:13,520
Speaker 3: and I could just feel the angst and it's I'm

602
00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:17,840
Speaker 3: not a massive workout kind of person, but the exercise

603
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:21,840
Speaker 3: part of soccer is great. The social aspect of twenty

604
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:23,320
Speaker 3: four guys, I can't tell you what anything to do

605
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:26,040
Speaker 3: for a living because no one cares. Right that there's

606
00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:28,520
Speaker 3: Billy and there's Richie and there's pack, Like there's all

607
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:30,960
Speaker 3: these people and you're like, like, when there's not a

608
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:32,720
Speaker 3: game on, we go for a beer and we chat,

609
00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:33,240
Speaker 3: we hang.

610
00:26:33,119 --> 00:26:35,639
Speaker 4: Out and it's just this like you mad people.

611
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,600
Speaker 3: And I think when you've got your people, you tribe,

612
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:40,480
Speaker 3: your community, whatever they are, and you feel that safety. No,

613
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:42,840
Speaker 3: I don't think it's psychological. Safety's a different form of safety.

614
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,720
Speaker 3: It's like no one actually gives a crap safety. There's

615
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:49,200
Speaker 3: no no one cares if anyone's a CEO or a

616
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:53,000
Speaker 3: bin man, Like it doesn't matter that collegiate feel. I

617
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:54,879
Speaker 3: don't know if it's unique to guys. I think guys

618
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:57,920
Speaker 3: struggle more with friendships in the forties. I've read a

619
00:26:57,920 --> 00:26:59,959
Speaker 3: whole od of stuff on it. But having those networks

620
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:02,640
Speaker 3: great for mental health because you're like, I've got someone

621
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,119
Speaker 3: there to talk to foran to and so just knowing

622
00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:08,240
Speaker 3: there's that outlet takes it is like a release valve

623
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,720
Speaker 3: and it takes that pressure off. And I think it's

624
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:12,040
Speaker 3: not that I need that on extreme it. If I

625
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:13,960
Speaker 3: did it ten more times, I wouldn't be ten times better.

626
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:16,680
Speaker 3: But having those different release veils, whether it be the walk,

627
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,200
Speaker 3: whether it be the soccer game or the beers afterwards,

628
00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:21,879
Speaker 3: just give me those those access points to get the

629
00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:24,240
Speaker 3: frustrations of the event or whatever out and you're like,

630
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,919
Speaker 3: you know what, all is good, All is good, and

631
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:28,879
Speaker 3: you go again, right, and it's just like it's almost

632
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:29,880
Speaker 3: like a rinse for the soul.

633
00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:35,159
Speaker 1: I'm curious, you know, in the next year or so, like,

634
00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:39,080
Speaker 1: have there experiments with your your health and well being

635
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:42,560
Speaker 1: that maybe you haven't tried but you might be key

636
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:43,160
Speaker 1: to try out.

637
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:47,159
Speaker 3: Yeah, so there's a few I'm sort of consplating right now.

638
00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:50,679
Speaker 3: So again the benefits of living with a nutritionist. Becky

639
00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:53,280
Speaker 3: regularly likes to experiment and hack on me, which is great. Right,

640
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:56,639
Speaker 3: There's a new supplement powder that's she gave me the

641
00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:58,920
Speaker 3: other week and I'm like, I don't know what's in that,

642
00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:01,320
Speaker 3: but it's working. Like I just my energy levels are

643
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:03,679
Speaker 3: more consistent dru on the day, all the stuff Like

644
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,320
Speaker 3: diet's the hard one for me, Like I know the

645
00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:09,919
Speaker 3: things that I shouldn't eat that I enjoy and finding

646
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:13,119
Speaker 3: that balance of understanding and repercussion, certainly post surgery. Sometimes

647
00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:15,040
Speaker 3: I can get away with it and then up until

648
00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:16,720
Speaker 3: the point I can't, and it hits pretty hard, so

649
00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:19,040
Speaker 3: I have to be really conscious of that. The big

650
00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:23,160
Speaker 3: one for me is around energy, right, and it's not

651
00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:25,080
Speaker 3: just the energy with the kids or work. It's like

652
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:28,359
Speaker 3: mindset and approach and son then it becomes this like

653
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:32,480
Speaker 3: the supplements, it's the food, it's the sleep pattern. The

654
00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:35,240
Speaker 3: big thing for me is around travel. So I'm working

655
00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:37,280
Speaker 3: with Beck at the minute. I'm like, can you create

656
00:28:37,359 --> 00:28:40,880
Speaker 3: like trademark the travel pack. The travel pack is a

657
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:44,240
Speaker 3: nutritionness that you can package up for me. Because when

658
00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:47,080
Speaker 3: I'm at home and you look after me, it's really easy.

659
00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:48,640
Speaker 3: But when I go on the road and I'm looking

660
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:53,400
Speaker 3: after myself, there's a gap. Right, So the healthy regime

661
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:56,640
Speaker 3: I have in the routine of home easy to comply with,

662
00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:58,880
Speaker 3: is no trade us and I'm on the road and

663
00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:01,480
Speaker 3: so I'm att left at an event and there's Canna

664
00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:03,480
Speaker 3: pays out and I'm like, oh, right, you start nibbling

665
00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:05,600
Speaker 3: on stuff. And then I was like, I don't normally

666
00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:07,320
Speaker 3: drink during the week, and the beers and I'll just

667
00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:09,120
Speaker 3: have a bit of take off its second. So there's

668
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:10,800
Speaker 3: little things and then you sleep a bit differently, and

669
00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:12,720
Speaker 3: for me right now, the impacts of that can be

670
00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:15,440
Speaker 3: quite profound. So I'm like, Okay, when I'm on the road,

671
00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:18,479
Speaker 3: what are the tips and tricks of how I resist

672
00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:20,520
Speaker 3: some of that temptation? Right, So don't I don't get

673
00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:22,160
Speaker 3: myself into a painful situation.

674
00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:23,960
Speaker 4: But also, what's the.

675
00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:26,360
Speaker 3: Thing you can give me, either in terms of routine

676
00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:29,360
Speaker 3: or supplements that actually help me with that balance. So

677
00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:31,760
Speaker 3: there's a whole of hydration stuff that she's been giving

678
00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:33,240
Speaker 3: me that I used in Nashville and I forgot it

679
00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:35,720
Speaker 3: this week, but that when I do that, I'm like, oh,

680
00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:37,960
Speaker 3: I sleep a little bit better. That sleeps a little

681
00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:39,640
Speaker 3: bit deeper, so I wake up a little bit. If

682
00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:42,240
Speaker 3: I wake up better, I'm not craving a bacon egg sandwich.

683
00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:45,880
Speaker 3: I'm craving fruit. So I know I know that my

684
00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:48,840
Speaker 3: day is decided in that first hour. When I travel,

685
00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:51,080
Speaker 3: it's more baking egg sandwich, right, when I'm at home,

686
00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:53,760
Speaker 3: it's more fruits. I'm like, okay, how can I copy

687
00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:56,120
Speaker 3: some of the home routine to travel? Because the travel

688
00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:58,520
Speaker 3: is not going away, and what I need is the

689
00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:01,040
Speaker 3: travel to pay less of a tax because certainly the

690
00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:03,760
Speaker 3: international travel at my stage of life, with my health,

691
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:05,640
Speaker 3: if I did too much of that, I needed it

692
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:08,200
Speaker 3: for my work. So that's not debatable. But how I

693
00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:10,120
Speaker 3: do it is up for debate. And doing it in

694
00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:13,000
Speaker 3: a way that doesn't compromise health is an experiment I

695
00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:15,240
Speaker 3: want to work with because the demand won't go away,

696
00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:17,600
Speaker 3: so therefore I need to change how I turn up

697
00:30:17,600 --> 00:30:17,840
Speaker 3: for it.

698
00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:22,720
Speaker 1: So supplementation aside, what else are you going to try

699
00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:25,280
Speaker 1: in terms of taking the edge off travel or making

700
00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:26,160
Speaker 1: it more manageable?

701
00:30:26,680 --> 00:30:30,080
Speaker 3: So routine and I'm not a routine person, never have

702
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:31,400
Speaker 3: been right, I'm mister serendipity.

703
00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:31,840
Speaker 4: A routine.

704
00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:35,600
Speaker 3: It's been important. I did an exercise yesterday in between

705
00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:37,520
Speaker 3: the different sessions I had.

706
00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:38,880
Speaker 4: I'm like, it's.

707
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:41,400
Speaker 3: A twelve minute or a thirty minute walk, And I

708
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:43,320
Speaker 3: looked at my phone. I was like, I have thirty minutes.

709
00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:46,920
Speaker 3: I can walk it. You know, I've got my corporate

710
00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:48,440
Speaker 3: credit card. I can also Uber it and it doesn't

711
00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:50,680
Speaker 3: cost me anything. But if I uber it, I just

712
00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:54,080
Speaker 3: get there eighteen minutes early. And so what right, Whereas

713
00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:55,880
Speaker 3: I've got the time, So I put my headphones in,

714
00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:58,360
Speaker 3: listen to some music, got myself in a better headspace

715
00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:01,360
Speaker 3: because the head plays some music, relaxed or the endorphins whatever,

716
00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:03,479
Speaker 3: had a stroll, got some fresh airs and that's some cool.

717
00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:06,040
Speaker 4: Yesterday and Melbourne got to the venue. I'm like, I'm ready.

718
00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:07,600
Speaker 3: I was way more ready than if I've got an

719
00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:10,200
Speaker 3: uber there, so little tricks around around where I can

720
00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:12,760
Speaker 3: squeeze in exercise, certainly when I'm traveling, because I normally

721
00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:16,800
Speaker 3: cram stuff in when I'm traveling. And then just understanding

722
00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:19,400
Speaker 3: like listening to my body more like, I don't think

723
00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:21,800
Speaker 3: it's rocket science for any of us to go. You

724
00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,920
Speaker 3: probably knew way before you fell ill that you're going

725
00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:26,240
Speaker 3: to fall ill, right for a lot of us when

726
00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:28,400
Speaker 3: it comes to burn out or the early science of

727
00:31:28,480 --> 00:31:31,800
Speaker 3: stress induced tiredness or worn out and stuff. So I'm like, Okay,

728
00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:34,320
Speaker 3: I just need to wake up to the fact I

729
00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:36,600
Speaker 3: can hear the signals, I can choose to ignore them

730
00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:39,080
Speaker 3: and rationalize them, but how do I pick them early?

731
00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:41,760
Speaker 3: And prevent. And that's where I'm trying to practice a

732
00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:44,080
Speaker 3: little bit. More is to go. Don't push too hard

733
00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:47,040
Speaker 3: on signing up for too many things right, allow for

734
00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:50,360
Speaker 3: some space in the schedule for that serendipity. Be very

735
00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:53,880
Speaker 3: purposeful with travel, be very purposeful with events. Saying no,

736
00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:57,560
Speaker 3: like I've said no more in the last three or

737
00:31:57,560 --> 00:31:59,720
Speaker 3: six months, and we'll con continue to say no to

738
00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:02,480
Speaker 3: stuff in the next six months because demand is higher

739
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:06,880
Speaker 3: than supply and so and again, unapologetic like I used

740
00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:09,200
Speaker 3: to say sorry, and when people I said sorry, they're like,

741
00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:12,000
Speaker 3: we'll do it another time. I'm like, no, it'd probably

742
00:32:12,040 --> 00:32:13,880
Speaker 3: be a no then as well. It's just a no.

743
00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:16,480
Speaker 3: And I just need to brave up to just say

744
00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:18,800
Speaker 3: no more. And it's weird because I thought the consequences

745
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:21,280
Speaker 3: would be really high. Say no to something I'm not doing,

746
00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:22,920
Speaker 3: I miss out, and then you don't do it and

747
00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:25,880
Speaker 3: you're like, no, idn't I didn't miss out. I'm gonna

748
00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:28,560
Speaker 3: If I've got finite energy, and I have and I've

749
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:30,920
Speaker 3: got finite time, how could I spend it on the

750
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:34,000
Speaker 3: things that are the most rewarding that that's something I

751
00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:36,400
Speaker 3: do on purpose. Now, it doesn't mean it's not you

752
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:39,120
Speaker 3: understand my world of public speaking, it's not a guaranteed bet.

753
00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:41,040
Speaker 3: Some events I set up for I'm like, I reckon this,

754
00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:43,520
Speaker 3: one's gonna be amazing. You're like that was awful, and

755
00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:45,520
Speaker 3: others where I'm like, I'm not so bothered by that,

756
00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:47,360
Speaker 3: and you arrive there and you're like, that was hum ding,

757
00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:50,440
Speaker 3: That's brilliant. There's not a direct science or logics all

758
00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:53,440
Speaker 3: of it. However, I'm placing the bets. So if I'm

759
00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:56,000
Speaker 3: placing the bets and I pay the consequences, instead of

760
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:57,800
Speaker 3: going I'm going to put a dollar in all forty

761
00:32:57,880 --> 00:33:00,160
Speaker 3: nine numbers and spin the rule, I'm going to I'm

762
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:02,680
Speaker 3: going to be a little bit more pragmatic and sensible,

763
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:05,240
Speaker 3: and that involves me going, well, what's my goals right now?

764
00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:06,760
Speaker 4: What do I want to achieve this year?

765
00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:08,920
Speaker 3: With my boss this morning, before I came out of

766
00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:11,400
Speaker 3: a conversation, I'm like, let's talk about what success looks

767
00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:13,440
Speaker 3: like for the next year. But I want to call

768
00:33:13,480 --> 00:33:15,600
Speaker 3: it in two different ways. One is surviving, the other

769
00:33:15,600 --> 00:33:19,400
Speaker 3: one is thriving. Because I want to survive, Like, let's

770
00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:21,400
Speaker 3: be honest, I want to survive. I want to keep

771
00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:24,400
Speaker 3: my job. And perform well. I want to meet all

772
00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:26,240
Speaker 3: the expectations that you have of me, right, and I

773
00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:28,160
Speaker 3: want you to meet that. That's a conversation we should have.

774
00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:31,600
Speaker 3: But I also have discretionary energy and discretionary time, and

775
00:33:31,600 --> 00:33:33,960
Speaker 3: that might enable me to exceed in a few ways.

776
00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:36,880
Speaker 3: But if I second guess where I spend my discretion

777
00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:37,800
Speaker 3: of energy, the chance.

778
00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:38,520
Speaker 4: That I'm going to get it wrong.

779
00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:40,760
Speaker 3: So like, let's have the chat about where you think

780
00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:42,920
Speaker 3: that discression of energy would go and where I think

781
00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:44,440
Speaker 3: it would go. Because if we're not aligned on that,

782
00:33:44,520 --> 00:33:47,080
Speaker 3: that's a different conversation. And if we are aligned, then

783
00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:48,840
Speaker 3: it's just a matter of when do I have that

784
00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:51,920
Speaker 3: discretionary energy and how do I deploy it? And then

785
00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:53,600
Speaker 3: it's a trade off, right, And I was honest, I

786
00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:56,040
Speaker 3: was like, the trade off is if I have discretionary energy,

787
00:33:56,520 --> 00:33:59,040
Speaker 3: I'm likely to spend it on the kids. So it

788
00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:01,240
Speaker 3: may be that this year is just a year of

789
00:34:01,320 --> 00:34:05,000
Speaker 3: me doing well at work, delivering everything that's asked to me,

790
00:34:05,280 --> 00:34:09,080
Speaker 3: working with this team, and everything going absolutely fine, but

791
00:34:09,239 --> 00:34:09,840
Speaker 3: not excelling.

792
00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:12,759
Speaker 4: And I'm like, how am I with that? How does

793
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:13,320
Speaker 4: that sit with me?

794
00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:16,200
Speaker 3: As someone who's been so career driven In fact, I'm like,

795
00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:19,240
Speaker 3: if Swan turned around and said that my year was okay,

796
00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:22,920
Speaker 3: I think I'd be distraught. So I was like, okay,

797
00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:26,680
Speaker 3: So if that's not okay, where is the line? And again,

798
00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:28,399
Speaker 3: what are the trade offs for all the sacrifices, because

799
00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:30,520
Speaker 3: I'm not willing to excel if it's customing more a

800
00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:32,759
Speaker 3: relationship on my health, Right, it's got to be sustainable.

801
00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:37,560
Speaker 3: So I think I've become more aware of short term bets,

802
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:41,160
Speaker 3: but also more aware of long term consequences, and I

803
00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:43,720
Speaker 3: think I'd probably traded those in the wrong way before.

804
00:34:43,880 --> 00:34:47,000
Speaker 3: Right in twenty nineteen, I did ninety seven flights, right,

805
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:49,480
Speaker 3: I was chasing this bizarre dream of being everywhere, had

806
00:34:49,520 --> 00:34:52,200
Speaker 3: twelve trips to the US, seven to Asia, seven to Europe.

807
00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:55,160
Speaker 3: By the November, I had nothing left in the tag,

808
00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:58,280
Speaker 3: like it was beyond empty. And my sister, who passed

809
00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:00,640
Speaker 3: away few years ago, she's still liive then since she's like,

810
00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:02,800
Speaker 3: I'd love you to come back to the UK for Christmas.

811
00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:05,759
Speaker 3: I remember just sitting there going I can't now I did,

812
00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:09,960
Speaker 3: but I was like, the tank's like beyond empty. And

813
00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:13,200
Speaker 3: then I'm sat there thinking the tank's empty. Flying to Miami,

814
00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:17,239
Speaker 3: for a hr event. I mean, where does that Where

815
00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:19,839
Speaker 3: does that sit in the scheme of my sister who's

816
00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:22,080
Speaker 3: got terminal cancer? Like, no one goes a crap about

817
00:35:22,080 --> 00:35:24,359
Speaker 3: that one. But so it was a wake up call

818
00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:27,160
Speaker 3: to go, Okay, whether it's ninety seven or a hundred fi,

819
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:29,000
Speaker 3: it doesn't matter. I need to spend that on the

820
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:32,040
Speaker 3: things that matter, not the things that don't. And so

821
00:35:32,800 --> 00:35:35,600
Speaker 3: I probably still push a little bit harder than I

822
00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:38,600
Speaker 3: need you sometimes, but it's about going, what's the consequence

823
00:35:38,640 --> 00:35:39,919
Speaker 3: of that was the trade off? And the trade off's

824
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:43,080
Speaker 3: not always today. Sometimes the trade offs three six months

825
00:35:43,080 --> 00:35:46,319
Speaker 3: down the line. And so it's future casting, right, not

826
00:35:46,320 --> 00:35:49,560
Speaker 3: not predicting, but future casting about that impact and understanding

827
00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:53,560
Speaker 3: that A lot of my job is planting seeds. But

828
00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:55,359
Speaker 3: if I might if I'm going to plant a seed,

829
00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:57,319
Speaker 3: I have to be willing to nurture it and I

830
00:35:57,360 --> 00:35:59,439
Speaker 3: have to be willing to let some of those seeds die, right,

831
00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:02,360
Speaker 3: And that's just part of the job. The temptation is

832
00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:05,000
Speaker 3: just plant more seeds. That's busy work. Mean you know

833
00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:07,359
Speaker 3: that busy work don't get you anyway. I've got plan

834
00:36:07,480 --> 00:36:09,520
Speaker 3: good seeds. It's going to save some energy and time

835
00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:12,239
Speaker 3: for nurturing them and then have their the empathy and

836
00:36:12,239 --> 00:36:13,520
Speaker 3: the where with all to real life that not all

837
00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:16,960
Speaker 3: of them will make it, and just remembering that my

838
00:36:17,080 --> 00:36:19,000
Speaker 3: job is the seed planting, but the outcome of that

839
00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:22,279
Speaker 3: job is a forest. The forest is years later, but

840
00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:24,319
Speaker 3: I've got to plant the seeds, and so I've been

841
00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:26,600
Speaker 3: using that analogy to help me work out long term impact.

842
00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:31,200
Speaker 1: I love that, and Tom, I'm really grateful that this

843
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:32,880
Speaker 1: was one of the things that you said yes to

844
00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:34,120
Speaker 1: sitting down for a chat.

845
00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:36,759
Speaker 2: I think this is your third or fourth time on

846
00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:37,479
Speaker 2: How I Work.

847
00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:38,759
Speaker 4: I can't count how many.

848
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:42,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, I must say so some of these chats have

849
00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:47,760
Speaker 1: been like my favorites, and today has been just brilliant

850
00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:51,120
Speaker 1: getting an insight into all the things that make up

851
00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:53,200
Speaker 1: how you think about your health and well being.

852
00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:55,560
Speaker 2: So thank you for sharing so honestly.

853
00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:56,960
Speaker 4: Thanks for having me along. Always a good conversation.

854
00:36:57,680 --> 00:37:00,719
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to How I. If

855
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,520
Speaker 1: you want to connect with DOM, search for dom Price

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Speaker 1: on the socials, and you might also want to visit

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Speaker 1: Domprice dot M.

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Speaker 2: That's domprice dot met.

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00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:14,120
Speaker 1: If you enjoyed today's episode, I would love to ask

860
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:17,640
Speaker 1: a favor click follow on the podcast app that you're

861
00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:20,400
Speaker 1: listening to this on, and if you're feeling really generous,

862
00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:24,480
Speaker 1: leave a review for the show. Following this podcast and

863
00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:28,600
Speaker 1: leaving reviews helps How I Work find new listeners, and

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00:37:28,719 --> 00:37:31,319
Speaker 1: your support is one of the things that makes this

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00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:35,520
Speaker 1: podcast possible. Thank you for sharing part of your day

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00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:38,319
Speaker 1: with me by listening to How I Work. If you're

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Speaker 1: keen for more tips on how to work better, connect

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Speaker 1: with me via LinkedIn or Instagram.

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Speaker 2: I'm very easy to find.

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Speaker 1: Just search for Amantha Imba. How I Work was recorded

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00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:54,200
Speaker 1: on the traditional land of the Warrangery people, part of

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00:37:54,239 --> 00:37:57,600
Speaker 1: the Cool and Nation. I am so grateful for being

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00:37:57,640 --> 00:38:00,080
Speaker 1: able to work and live on this beautiful lane, and

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00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:03,440
Speaker 1: I want to pay my respects to Elder's past, present

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00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:07,680
Speaker 1: and emerging. How I Work is produced by Inventium with

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00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:11,040
Speaker 1: production support from Dead Set Studios. The producer for this

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00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:13,920
Speaker 1: episode was Liam Reardon, and thank you to Martin Nimba

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00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:16,680
Speaker 1: who did the audio mix and makes everything sound better

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00:38:16,719 --> 00:38:18,160
Speaker 1: than it would have otherwise.