Speaker 1: Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands
Speaker 1: were never seated.
Speaker 2: We pay our respects to their elders past and present.
Speaker 3: Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. Hi, guys, and
Speaker 3: welcome back to another episode of Live One Cut.
Speaker 4: I'm Laura, and I produced a Keisha.
Speaker 2: And Laura, look, you don't sound fabulous.
Speaker 3: If I'm shut up, don't draw more attention to.
Speaker 5: How's bally Barali is great?
Speaker 3: Except I am a little bit sick and I am
Speaker 3: a little bit hungover because mom's gone wild. No, we
Speaker 3: didn't go wild. We just my sister and I. On
Speaker 3: our very first night here, it was like the night
Speaker 3: after we did our record on Tuesday. We went out
Speaker 3: for dinner and then dinner turned into Lachi my teenies,
Speaker 3: and then I convinced her to go to a night club.
Speaker 3: And I don't know what happened. Actually it's a lie.
Speaker 3: I do know what happened. I just woke up the
Speaker 3: next day and I was like, this is not a
Speaker 3: productive use of my time. So I have the deep regrets,
Speaker 3: the deep deep regrets right now.
Speaker 1: The lychim tities get you when they're so sweet and
Speaker 1: so nice. Cocktails can fuck you because you're just like, oh,
Speaker 1: fruit juice, woo woo woo, and then it's actually not
Speaker 1: fruit juice, and then you're slut dropping at lafavella one
Speaker 1: in the morning on a Monday.
Speaker 2: A very schools of you.
Speaker 5: It wasn't even that.
Speaker 3: I don't know, I think because I said this on Tuesday.
Speaker 3: But like my sister and I, we never ever ever
Speaker 3: get to just spend time together without the kids and
Speaker 3: just have grown up conversation, and so we did the
Speaker 3: complete opposite. We regress to our eighteen year old selves.
Speaker 3: But no, look, it was one night, and we're allowed
Speaker 3: to have one night. And now we're back at work,
Speaker 3: we're back in workstations. We're just sorry for it. That's
Speaker 3: what we are.
Speaker 1: I think you get too excited when you don't do
Speaker 1: it often, like you just get a little bit too excited,
Speaker 1: you go a little too hard, and then you're reminded
Speaker 1: of exactly why you stopped doing that, like you're reminded.
Speaker 2: Of why you completely stop drinking genuinely.
Speaker 3: But also, I can't remember the last time I had
Speaker 3: a hangover, Like I don't.
Speaker 5: I don't.
Speaker 3: It's not something that is common in my life at all. Anymore,
Speaker 3: which is interesting because we have a conversation to talk
Speaker 3: about today about partying.
Speaker 5: I haven't even been to a nightclub in like over
Speaker 5: two years.
Speaker 1: I actually can remember my last hangover, and it was
Speaker 1: because it happened at your house. It was after my
Speaker 1: thirtieth birthday, and it was one of the most regrettable
Speaker 1: times I've ever had. And I had to be at
Speaker 1: your house for this really beautiful lunch and the food
Speaker 1: was so good. But this is the thing that I've
Speaker 1: learned about hangovers. It makes you hate everything about your
Speaker 1: life the next day and you can't enjoy anything, and
Speaker 1: that food was so good.
Speaker 5: We don't condone any of this. Okay, this is not us.
Speaker 3: This is us saying that every so often you think
Speaker 3: you have a handle on it and then.
Speaker 5: Things go a bit pear shaped. And for you, key,
Speaker 5: sure it was your thirtieth.
Speaker 1: Also, be careful if there's cocktails, because that's what got me. Okay,
Speaker 1: it was the cocktail juice that sent me to another place.
Speaker 1: So Law's you're in Bali at the moment, but we
Speaker 1: had our shit together and we recorded the questions for
Speaker 1: this episode before you went to Bali. Because you know
Speaker 1: now that we're doing the youtubes, we've got to have
Speaker 1: the good filmed content to come up there. And this episode,
Speaker 1: the questions are really long, so we're gonna keep this
Speaker 1: really short in the intro.
Speaker 2: But you and I disagreed on.
Speaker 4: A lot in this particular episode.
Speaker 5: Well, I think it was good.
Speaker 3: I think it came from like balanced perspectives, because sometimes
Speaker 3: it's hard to always come to a place of resolution,
Speaker 3: especially if you show up with a different set of
Speaker 3: standards or we're in a different place in life together.
Speaker 3: But some of these questions are a little bit spicier
Speaker 3: than what we would normally answer, and some of them
Speaker 3: took a lot of consideration to try and get to
Speaker 3: a really needed place of what could be a good
Speaker 3: resolution for you. But also if you are watching along
Speaker 3: on YouTube. The reason why we kind of mentioned that
Speaker 3: we're in two different places that we did the questions
Speaker 3: in Sydney and then the start of this episode whilst
Speaker 3: we're away twofold One is because obviously the video is
Speaker 3: going to look different. I am in my trashed hotel
Speaker 3: room right now. And two, it's because we wanted to
Speaker 3: keep things as current as possible with brit being away
Speaker 3: and in the Jungle just in case anything happened that
Speaker 3: we would need to reflect for you guys. But unfortunately,
Speaker 3: over here in Bali you can't access ten plays. You
Speaker 3: have to get a VPN for it. You've got to
Speaker 3: bypass like your location, and I am not technology inclined
Speaker 3: enough to have figured that out. So Kish's been keeping
Speaker 3: me updated on where things are at and how Brit
Speaker 3: in the Jungle has been playing out so far.
Speaker 1: So last night my boyfriend and I were watching I'm
Speaker 1: Aslab Get Me out of Here while we were eating dinner,
Speaker 1: and my recommendation is that you don't do that because
Speaker 1: I actually had to stop because they were eating like
Speaker 1: rattails and stuff. But the voting, to me is a
Speaker 1: little bit strange, and I think a few people in
Speaker 1: the Facebook group mentioned this. So you can vote ten
Speaker 1: times per day, and you can vote separately for the
Speaker 1: trial and to keep.
Speaker 2: Brit from being eliminated.
Speaker 1: So we'll be posting links on our socials and also
Speaker 1: on brit socials if you just want to like follow
Speaker 1: the link because it's a little bit easier. You can
Speaker 1: vote on the tenplay website. But the thing that this
Speaker 1: is kind of weird, and to be honest, like not
Speaker 1: to shit on Imusleb, but I don't like the way
Speaker 1: that they do this personally. You can vote ten times,
Speaker 1: but you have to like actually vote ten times. You
Speaker 1: can't just put all your votes in at once for
Speaker 1: the ten that you want to tally.
Speaker 5: So annoying.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a bit weird.
Speaker 3: But also there's no part of this that surprises me.
Speaker 3: That Channel ten's set up for voting is kind of
Speaker 3: more aimed at.
Speaker 5: Maybe slightly an older generation.
Speaker 3: Who might use phones traditionally rather than the Internet.
Speaker 5: That doesn't surprise me.
Speaker 3: But I do want to say I think at the start,
Speaker 3: Brick would have felt like it was to her benefit
Speaker 3: to not be in the trials, because no one wants
Speaker 3: to do the trials.
Speaker 5: The trials are scary and they grows.
Speaker 3: But at this point in the TV show, we need
Speaker 3: to be voting for her to do the trials because
Speaker 3: it's allowing her to participate in those activities is what
Speaker 3: shows what she's really like. And so if you've been
Speaker 3: avoiding like boarding her up as tribute so far, don't
Speaker 3: like vote for her for trials, vote for her to stay,
Speaker 3: vote for her for everything, because that's the only way
Speaker 3: that we're going to be able to keep her in
Speaker 3: the jungle is if she's able to show more of
Speaker 3: the person that she is. So yeah, So I'll be
Speaker 3: going and putting my ten votes in as soon as
Speaker 3: I finish this. The last thing I wanted to say
Speaker 3: before we get into our vibes and unsubscribes and Keisha,
Speaker 3: this will come as absolutely no surprise to you because
Speaker 3: it's more an admission of my own stupidity. So, traveling internationally,
Speaker 3: I have become so immune to never taking anything with me,
Speaker 3: Like I don't take a wallet anywhere.
Speaker 5: Who needs a wallet?
Speaker 3: I only take my phone because all my cards are
Speaker 3: linked to my phone. So here I am in another
Speaker 3: country with nothing but a phone to try and pay
Speaker 3: for stuff. Not a single credit card, didn't bring one,
Speaker 3: just my phone. But the audacity to rock up to
Speaker 3: a country with nothing to pay for nothing.
Speaker 2: No, this is intervention stage.
Speaker 3: I walked down the door with my passport on my phone,
Speaker 3: like I was, like, who needs anything else?
Speaker 5: The confidence?
Speaker 1: This is unhinged behavior. We spoke on Tuesday's episode about
Speaker 1: how neither of us are planners, but like, that's a
Speaker 1: whole other level.
Speaker 2: It's also kind of smart.
Speaker 1: If you don't want to pay for anything though, like
Speaker 1: if you're traveling with someone who you know can afford it,
Speaker 1: maybe not the worst idea.
Speaker 3: I just I've taken it so deeply for granted. How
Speaker 3: convenient our life is, you know, in Australia, how much
Speaker 3: we can just pay pass for things. You don't need
Speaker 3: anything on you, Your license is on you, your cards
Speaker 3: are on you, and off you go. It doesn't work
Speaker 3: the same here, and I shouldn't be shocked.
Speaker 1: This is especially for people who live in New South
Speaker 1: Wales because our driver's license can be digital.
Speaker 2: It's not like that in every other state. I really
Speaker 2: think Victoria's either brought it in or is bringing it in.
Speaker 3: Let's get into our vibes and unsubscribe to you guys today.
Speaker 3: I want to hit it off because I have a
Speaker 3: vibe from someone who we love across the podcast. Her
Speaker 3: name's Britney Saunders. We've done an interview with her in
Speaker 3: the past if you haven't listened to it. She is
Speaker 3: one of the OG influencers from back in the day.
Speaker 3: She's got over six hundred thousand followers now. But the
Speaker 3: thing that's very cool about Brittany is not the fact
Speaker 3: that she is an influencer by any means. It's the
Speaker 3: fact that she's an incredible business woman. She owns a
Speaker 3: clothing label called Fate Fate. The lay her acumen for
Speaker 3: business and the way that she approaches business is really
Speaker 3: really remarkable. And I say this because she's not someone
Speaker 3: who has done all the marketing courses and shows up
Speaker 3: to with the marketing jargon. She actually has tried so
Speaker 3: many different businesses, so many of them have failed, but
Speaker 3: she's learned the lessons along the way, and now with
Speaker 3: Fate the label, she makes over eight figures in a year,
Speaker 3: so she's in the tens of millions.
Speaker 5: No one knows exactly what that looks like.
Speaker 3: Could be eighty million, could be ten million, but at
Speaker 3: the same time, it is an incredible achievement. Now she
Speaker 3: has just started a podcast. It's called Big Business. I
Speaker 3: listened to the first episode and I loved it because
Speaker 3: I think that there's very few podcasts that are out
Speaker 3: there that are circle around business as the topic, but
Speaker 3: they are more aimed for women. I think a lot
Speaker 3: of business podcasts are done by men, and they're four men,
Speaker 3: and in the language and in the way that they
Speaker 3: speak about the types of businesses that they focus on
Speaker 3: it can be quite isolating to the type of work
Speaker 3: and businesses that women find interesting. Episode one, it was
Speaker 3: brilliant and I think you, guys, if you own a
Speaker 3: small business, if you're thinking about starting a business, wherever
Speaker 3: you are in that journey of entrepreneurship, I think that
Speaker 3: this could be an incredible podcast to listen to.
Speaker 5: So I'm subscribed and I'm on for the ride.
Speaker 1: I also love that Britt is so grounded, like she
Speaker 1: just gets it, you know.
Speaker 4: I feel a.
Speaker 2: Personal connection to her because we were in the same
Speaker 2: mirror at school. We're both from.
Speaker 1: Newcastles and seeing her success but her not change at
Speaker 1: all in her personality, Like she's just so real, and
Speaker 1: I think she has a really unique way of being
Speaker 1: able to have these really high end business conversations but
Speaker 1: also able to just shoot the shit with her mates,
Speaker 1: and like, I think she's unreal.
Speaker 2: I really am really keen to listen to that.
Speaker 3: Actually, and Kisha, what is your vibe or unsubscribe.
Speaker 2: My vibe for this week?
Speaker 4: Do you ever feel as though there's like a celebrity.
Speaker 1: I think it happens a lot with TV shows and
Speaker 1: maybe even books and stuff, But for me, this week
Speaker 1: it was a celebrity that I feel really late to
Speaker 1: the party of.
Speaker 2: And it's Trevor Noah.
Speaker 1: I've known who Trevor Noah is for years, but to
Speaker 1: be honest, like I couldn't have really told.
Speaker 2: You much about him other than the very obvious things.
Speaker 1: He's a South African comedian, but he hosted The Daily Show,
Speaker 1: which is that American late night It kind of crosses
Speaker 1: over between like satirical news and comedy. He hosted that
Speaker 1: until twenty twenty two and I started listening to his podcast.
Speaker 4: So his podcast is.
Speaker 1: Called What Now with Trevor Noah, and it kind of
Speaker 1: led me down a bit of a rabbit hole. And
Speaker 1: I watched this sixty minutes episode from twenty twenty two
Speaker 1: that he did with Leslie Stahl, and his backstory is
Speaker 1: just so incredible. He's apparently written a book which I'm
Speaker 1: going to read after. You know, I've got a couple
Speaker 1: of books in my list, and that one's now been
Speaker 1: added to it. His story is really really fascinating. So
Speaker 1: he was born in.
Speaker 4: South Africa, but his dad was Swiss.
Speaker 1: German and his mom was black. And this is during
Speaker 1: the time where apartheid was happening and it was illegal
Speaker 1: for their relationship to exist, and so he went to
Speaker 1: live with his mom because he was colored. Kind of
Speaker 1: talks about the fact that he never really felt as
Speaker 1: though we fit into either category, because he also had
Speaker 1: to be hidden in the car when they were driving
Speaker 1: and they would run into police officers otherwise, you know,
Speaker 1: he was fearful that he was going to be taken
Speaker 1: into an orphanage.
Speaker 2: Anyway, So he has a podcast.
Speaker 1: They release an episode per week, and he is joined
Speaker 1: by all different people.
Speaker 6: A lot of them are just his friends, and they
Speaker 6: kind of have that really.
Speaker 1: Interesting crossover between politics and comedy where they talk about
Speaker 1: things that are happening in the political space, but it's funny,
Speaker 1: like it's not to me.
Speaker 2: I find it really interesting.
Speaker 1: I don't find it like a draw, even though some
Speaker 1: of the points that they make are very politically charged.
Speaker 1: So yeah, a couple of things. Basically, my vibe of
Speaker 1: this week is just I really like Trevor Noah and
Speaker 1: I'm going to listen to his podcast more regularly. I'm
Speaker 1: also going to you know, read his book, and I
Speaker 1: will also link the sixty minutes episode that I watch.
Speaker 1: It's only thirteen minutes long, which is ironic because it
Speaker 1: was on sixty minutes. I'll link that in the show
Speaker 1: notes as well, because I found it really really interest Kisha.
Speaker 3: I know nothing about who this person is because I
Speaker 3: when it comes to celebrities, I don't know if you
Speaker 3: guys know this about me, but unless I'm looking at
Speaker 3: a photo of a celebrity, I am so name blank
Speaker 3: with who a person is. Is there a specific episode
Speaker 3: from the podcast that you would recommend or one that
Speaker 3: you've listened to that you thought from a topic from
Speaker 3: a political perspective was the most interesting.
Speaker 4: So there was a particular episode that they did.
Speaker 1: I think it was about two weeks ago, and it
Speaker 1: was about there's bills being passed in America about potentially
Speaker 1: banning TikTok because it's got a Chinese owner. And I've
Speaker 1: read a lot of articles about this, and I've also
Speaker 1: listened to a couple of podcasts and heard other social
Speaker 1: commentators talk about it. But I found their perspective very
Speaker 1: different to what the other perspectives that I've heard on
Speaker 1: the particular topic were, which I think is kind of
Speaker 1: why I'm really like, I'm gravitating towards this pod and
Speaker 1: I want to listen to it more is because I
Speaker 1: feel as though they give me a bit to think about.
Speaker 1: But it's also not draining because they do it in
Speaker 1: a funny way. So I really like that type of
Speaker 1: like engagement in content where it doesn't feel as though
Speaker 1: it's really heavy and I've got to really pay attention,
Speaker 1: you know. So Tremonoh's pod it is called what Now.
Speaker 1: As for all of our vibes, will.
Speaker 2: Link them in the shre notes.
Speaker 3: Question number one. I've been with my boyfriend for two
Speaker 3: and a half years. We are twenty four. We lived
Speaker 3: together and we share a pet. We've had lots of
Speaker 3: ups and downs. I'm a hyper romantic and extrovert. He's
Speaker 3: pretty negative and modest at times and doesn't like to
Speaker 3: show his affection unless he's drunk or we're alone.
Speaker 5: That's fucking weird.
Speaker 3: Over the past year, our sex life has gone from
Speaker 3: weekly to one to two times a month. I love
Speaker 3: him so much, and despite our arguments, I want this
Speaker 3: to work. When I question him as to why we
Speaker 3: aren't having more sex, he says, you nag me about
Speaker 3: it too much, and it seems like you're forcing the seductiveness.
Speaker 3: I pulled back any attempt to be overly sexual or touchy,
Speaker 3: and nothing has changed. I even put on lingerie, wore
Speaker 3: his favorite perfume and lick candles, and he still said no,
Speaker 3: he didn't feel like it. I understand, but I'm so lost.
Speaker 3: I'm so young to be in this position because I
Speaker 3: know that nothing's going to change now, but.
Speaker 4: I don't know what else to do.
Speaker 3: I listen to the podcast every day, and I read
Speaker 3: all the Facebook posts, and I know most people would say,
Speaker 3: just dump him, but it's so hard when you're basing
Speaker 3: the reason for the breakup on his negative persona and
Speaker 3: the lack of intimacy. How do I start again after
Speaker 3: three years of this? Because I'm scared. I feel sorry
Speaker 3: for you, because we love you. Firstly, I actually.
Speaker 1: Think this is a bit more of a broader societal thing.
Speaker 1: I listened to a podcast a couple of weeks ago
Speaker 1: with a sex and relationship expert, and they actually found
Speaker 1: that the most optimum frequency for having sex is a
Speaker 1: lot lower than what I think we have been led
Speaker 1: to believe. They found that three times a month is
Speaker 1: the most optimum.
Speaker 3: It's still like once every week and a half. These
Speaker 3: guys are having sex once a month, one to two
Speaker 3: times a month.
Speaker 1: Do you know why I actually feel quite differently about this.
Speaker 1: If that works for you, that's fine. If having sex
Speaker 1: once every six months is what you and your partner desire,
Speaker 1: play on, who am I to tell you any different?
Speaker 1: Like sex drive, it's going to ebb and flow, it's
Speaker 1: going to go up and down throughout different stages of
Speaker 1: your relationship.
Speaker 2: But if you are the type of.
Speaker 1: Person who doesn't want to have sex that frequently, that's
Speaker 1: actually okay.
Speaker 3: Yeah, But I think in this instance, it's not just
Speaker 3: about sex. It is said he's pretty negative and modest
Speaker 3: at times and doesn't like to show his affection unless
Speaker 3: he's drunk or we're alone.
Speaker 1: Do you know what I think the bigger problem in
Speaker 1: this situation is is that it sounds to me as
Speaker 1: though your love language is physical touch, and it sounds
Speaker 1: as though he either doesn't understand or doesn't care how
Speaker 1: to show you love in the way that you actually
Speaker 1: are going.
Speaker 4: To totally loved totally.
Speaker 3: And also, I mean, it's really hard being with someone
Speaker 3: who you love who is negative and isn't showing you
Speaker 3: affection or love and the only time they're doing it
Speaker 3: is when they're absolutely fucking blind or no one's around,
Speaker 3: so you feel like, Oh, you embarrassed by me, you
Speaker 3: ashamed of me? Like, why do I have to try
Speaker 3: so hard? The thing, I have a lot of feelings
Speaker 3: about this. Firstly, I want to say I'm so sorry
Speaker 3: that you're going through this because I think at the
Speaker 3: three year mark, when you're like, I love this person
Speaker 3: so much and I'm trying so hard, this isn't about
Speaker 3: you trying. This is about are they trying? Are they
Speaker 3: putting an effort? Because you can only make a relationship
Speaker 3: work if you're both showing up to that relationship equally,
Speaker 3: and you're both putting the effort in because you both
Speaker 3: want to be there. And when you say you know
Speaker 3: I've bought lingerie, I'm trying to do these things to
Speaker 3: spark the romance, he needs to also be coming to
Speaker 3: the table to want those things and to want you
Speaker 3: and to want the relationship and to want to put
Speaker 3: the effort in. It's the lack of trying on his
Speaker 3: part that's making you feel defeated. It's also the sense
Speaker 3: of rejection totally, like you're being rejected by the person
Speaker 3: that you think loves you the most and that you
Speaker 3: are kind of innately meant to be sexual with so
Speaker 3: those needs are not being met and that I know
Speaker 3: that you've said, like, I want to make this work,
Speaker 3: but if you are with someone it's very normal to
Speaker 3: be in a relationship with someone who has a different
Speaker 3: love language to you. But it's not normal to be
Speaker 3: in a relationship with someone who knows how you feel
Speaker 3: loved and appreciated and isn't willing to attempt to fulfill
Speaker 3: that need for you. So, like, it's really clear to
Speaker 3: me reading this that you're a physical touch person. You
Speaker 3: like intimacy, you like that close connection with your partner,
Speaker 3: and if that's not a natural thing to him, if
Speaker 3: he's someone who shows love through gifts or through acts
Speaker 3: of service, that's okay. However, he still needs to be
Speaker 3: showing you love in a way that you're going to
Speaker 3: receive it. He also still needs to try regardless, he
Speaker 3: needs to be trying. Look, I think you guys are
Speaker 3: twenty four years old, and I don't want to like
Speaker 3: put I don't want to sound ageist at all, but
Speaker 3: like when you've had a three year relationship and you
Speaker 3: are still really really young, but you're dealing with really
Speaker 3: big problems, but you're the only one who seems like
Speaker 3: they're actually trying to fix it. I think there's some
Speaker 3: pretty big questions you need to ask yourself, and it's
Speaker 3: around what kind of relationship do you want to have
Speaker 3: for the rest of your life? What kind of relationship
Speaker 3: do you want to have for the next ten years
Speaker 3: or six years or once you have kids. And maybe
Speaker 3: kids aren't on the cards for you, maybe you don't
Speaker 3: want them, and that's fine too, but if you did,
Speaker 3: let me tell you, if you're having sex once a
Speaker 3: month now and you're not satisfied and you have children,
Speaker 3: that's going to go down because the time and energy
Speaker 3: and all the other things that you need in the
Speaker 3: long term in a relationship, like it's harder to put
Speaker 3: effort into your actual relationship when you have so many
Speaker 3: other things in life that are demanding your attention. I
Speaker 3: would say, here, it's time for some very very honest
Speaker 3: conversations around feeling rejected, around feeling as though the effort
Speaker 3: you're putting in is not being matched. And maybe it'll
Speaker 3: give him an opportunity to say, Okay, well you think
Speaker 3: I'm not trying in this way, but like I've done
Speaker 3: this and this and this, and he can show you
Speaker 3: the ways in which he's committed to the relationship and
Speaker 3: show you the ways, and then that will kind of
Speaker 3: indicate whether it is this mismatch in love language like
Speaker 3: Keisha's saying.
Speaker 4: But also I think.
Speaker 3: It's so important to potentially explore something like going a
Speaker 3: couple's therapy if you really are like I've tried everything,
Speaker 3: I don't know what to do, and I am at
Speaker 3: the end of my wits, but I can't walk away
Speaker 3: from this relationship. I would suggest going and speaking to
Speaker 3: an external party and sitting down because maybe it's a
Speaker 3: case that you don't have the tools to communicate. Maybe
Speaker 3: it's the case that you both love each other, you
Speaker 3: both want this relationship to work, but you're speaking a
Speaker 3: different language and no one's listening to each other, and
Speaker 3: like that I often think is like the biggest and
Speaker 3: hardest thing to overcome. And maybe with the advice and
Speaker 3: the guidance of someone who is external and who gives
Speaker 3: you the tools to be able to communicate the and
Speaker 3: help you to unpack a few things that might be
Speaker 3: really helpful for where you guys are at. And I
Speaker 3: don't often I mean, we answer the questions all the time.
Speaker 3: We always advocate for like going and getting help if
Speaker 3: you need it, But very rarely would I say, like,
Speaker 3: go and speak to a relationship counselor. But I think
Speaker 3: you because of the space that you're in where you're like,
Speaker 3: I don't don't want to leave, but nothing is changing,
Speaker 3: that is such an unhealthy place to be in that
Speaker 3: something has to change, and so this would be the
Speaker 3: last thing to try before having all of the information
Speaker 3: and going Okay, it's time to walk away.
Speaker 1: And you're also doing this from a place of already
Speaker 1: feeling rejected. So I think when you're already in that
Speaker 1: place where you're feeling as though any advances you make
Speaker 1: are being rejected.
Speaker 4: It's not a cycle, it's a spiral totally.
Speaker 1: You kind of get fearful of having more conversations because
Speaker 1: you're fearful that that is also going to be rejected.
Speaker 1: But if you don't have this conversation, firstly, he might
Speaker 1: not understand and I might be giving too much benefit
Speaker 1: of the doubt there, But often people they're not very
Speaker 1: in touch with this type of thing, especially men when
Speaker 1: they're twenty four years old. He might not realize how
Speaker 1: much his rejections of your sexual advances are making you
Speaker 1: feel like you're not good enough for him, that you're
Speaker 1: not attractive enough for him, that you're not able to
Speaker 1: induce this intimacy that you think should be so natural
Speaker 1: at the age of twenty four.
Speaker 3: But also it's fucking cruel, like having a conversation of like,
Speaker 3: you know, I love you, and I don't feel like
Speaker 3: we're having enough sex and I want to be having
Speaker 3: more sex. To be told, you nag me too much
Speaker 3: about it, and it seems like you're forcing the seductiveness,
Speaker 3: Like no shit, I'm forcing the seductiveness. I'm trying. I
Speaker 3: am I've bought sexy laundry like I am trying, and
Speaker 3: you don't want to try, like you don't want to increase.
Speaker 3: So maybe it is a case that he's like, he
Speaker 3: doesn't want to have more sex, and so all of
Speaker 3: your trying is going to fall on death ears. So
Speaker 3: I really think it's like you don't want to get
Speaker 3: to a place where you feel undesired by your partner
Speaker 3: and you feel resentful. So I think it's so important
Speaker 3: for you to figure out what is it that you
Speaker 3: both want, what is it that you both think is
Speaker 3: normal in a relationship, and it's okay for extroverts and
Speaker 3: introverts to be together like that couple dynamic works in
Speaker 3: so many ways, but you still have to be able
Speaker 3: to communicate what you want and feel satisfied and feel loved.
Speaker 3: The other part of this, the very last thing you said,
Speaker 3: is how do I start again after three years of this?
Speaker 3: I'm scared. Relationship breakdowns are fucking scary. Coming to the
Speaker 3: realization that a relationship is not the right one, especially
Speaker 3: when you absolutely love the person and you want it
Speaker 3: to work, is scary. But I think you need to
Speaker 3: get to a point where you feel like you've given everything,
Speaker 3: you've tried everything, and you don't have anything more to try.
Speaker 3: You've put everything on the table, and he's not coming
Speaker 3: to meet you where you need to be met. The
Speaker 3: relationship is not working and it is not right. And
Speaker 3: we say, you know how hard it is to leave
Speaker 3: and everything else, but you will only waste more time
Speaker 3: by staying because of the fear of leaving. If you
Speaker 3: stay for another year or two more years, then you're
Speaker 3: gonna be in the same situation. You'll be like, all right,
Speaker 3: but I've spent five years on this relationship and nothing's changed.
Speaker 3: There does have to come a point where you call
Speaker 3: it and you go, well, for the past a year,
Speaker 3: nothing has changed, Nothing is going to change. Unless he
Speaker 3: changes something, Unless he actively changes something, nothing will change.
Speaker 4: And so what does that then look like for you?
Speaker 3: And you know, we can worry about the sunk cost
Speaker 3: fallacy that we've spoken about so many times, this idea
Speaker 3: that you've invested so much time into a relationship, what
Speaker 3: about that? You know it seems like a waste. That's
Speaker 3: not a waste. It's all about learning what you want
Speaker 3: in your relationships. What's a great match for you? And
Speaker 3: what do you want in a life partner? If that's
Speaker 3: what you want in your life?
Speaker 5: All right?
Speaker 4: Question number two.
Speaker 1: I recently went on a third date with a guy
Speaker 1: which so far everything was going really well. He was
Speaker 1: sticking many boxes in terms of constant communication, making plans,
Speaker 1: and on this night he had initiated dinner, booked the
Speaker 1: restaurant and was even there early and the date went fabulously.
Speaker 1: At the end of the night, after going to a
Speaker 1: bar for more drinks, we decided we wouldn't go home together.
Speaker 1: By this point all we had done was kiss. As
Speaker 1: we were exiting the bar, I saw him on his phone,
Speaker 1: but little did I know that he was already booking
Speaker 1: his uber well. Once we get outside, it's about one am.
Speaker 1: He tells me that his uber is nearly here. I
Speaker 1: quickly book mine, but it says that it's nine minutes away.
Speaker 1: His uber arrives and without he jumps straight in. I
Speaker 1: thought surely he'd check how far away mine was, but
Speaker 1: no he didn't. He just left me standing there on
Speaker 1: the street alone, waiting eight minutes for my uber. I
Speaker 1: thought i'd at least get a message from him asking
Speaker 1: if I got home safe, but nothing. He couldn't have
Speaker 1: cared less how or if I got home. He still
Speaker 1: messaged me the next day asking to see me again.
Speaker 1: Chivalry is huge for me, but sadly his lack of
Speaker 1: care here has given me the major ick.
Speaker 4: Do you think this is bad behavior or a red flag?
Speaker 2: Or should I just carry.
Speaker 6: On seeing him and hope that it was a simple mistake.
Speaker 3: Every week we get red flag questions. Is this a
Speaker 3: red flag? Is this a red flag?
Speaker 1: I think we're a bit too obsessed with the red
Speaker 1: fla we need to put the red flags down.
Speaker 3: Sometimes people do things that are a little bit inconsiderate,
Speaker 3: like one red flag is not always enough to throw
Speaker 3: someone in the bin and to not give them another
Speaker 3: chance dating in this instance, Would this give me the ick?
Speaker 3: Would I be like, you're fucking inconsiderate. Yes, would think that,
Speaker 3: But there are also a lot of people out there
Speaker 3: who haven't really thought about the considerations of chivalry.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 3: He was just like, Okay, well we're not going home together,
Speaker 3: so I'm going to book my own And he absolutely
Speaker 3: didn't think about you, and he didn't think about how
Speaker 3: you were getting home. Doesn't mean he doesn't care if
Speaker 3: you did or didn't get home. He just expects that
Speaker 3: you are going to get home safe because he's a
Speaker 3: man and he always gets home safe and often women don't.
Speaker 4: But he must be nice, He must be fucking nice.
Speaker 3: He doesn't have to think about the realities of getting
Speaker 3: home safe because he's never had to experience a time
Speaker 3: when he didn't feel safe standing on the side of
Speaker 3: the street at one o'clock in the morning. Because that's
Speaker 3: not a man thing, that's a woman thing. So I
Speaker 3: would say that he is inconsiderate in just choosing to
Speaker 3: get into an uber and not you know, wait, because.
Speaker 4: Like, for me, how would I feel?
Speaker 3: I would be very surprised if a guy did that,
Speaker 3: especially a guy who was wanting to continue to date me.
Speaker 3: That to me, I think is the biggest stand up.
Speaker 3: If he wasn't wanting to date you, and he was
Speaker 3: kind of like this date didn't go well out of here,
Speaker 3: part of me would be a little bit more like,
Speaker 3: of course, well he's not his I mean lack of
Speaker 3: chivalry still, but he's not invested, he's not interested, he's gone.
Speaker 4: Is it a red flag? Maybe?
Speaker 5: Maybe not.
Speaker 3: It may have been a moment of very bad judgment
Speaker 3: after a few glasses of wine, and he might not
Speaker 3: have thought that through and then all of a sudden,
Speaker 3: his uber is one minute away.
Speaker 4: He thought it was going to take longer x y Z.
Speaker 3: But it's only up to you as to whether you
Speaker 3: think that that is like too much of a hard
Speaker 3: line and you don't want to date him anymore, because
Speaker 3: I think sometimes when you get the ick, it's almost
Speaker 3: too hard to go.
Speaker 4: Oh, I don't know if I want to give this
Speaker 4: a second chance.
Speaker 1: I feel as though, you know, we've progressed so far.
Speaker 1: Feminism has really brought.
Speaker 2: Us so many places.
Speaker 1: Similarly to you, there was this one time that I
Speaker 1: went on a date with a guy and we went
Speaker 1: to this sushi place and I wasn't very hungry because
Speaker 1: I had a really late lunch and it was a
Speaker 1: sushi train and I.
Speaker 4: Ate twelve dollars worth of sushi.
Speaker 1: And you want to know why I know how much
Speaker 1: sushi I ate because he said that we should split
Speaker 1: the bill and we should pay for what we each got,
Speaker 1: and he had ordered like forty dollars worth of food,
Speaker 1: and so I was like, okay, no problem. And after
Speaker 1: that we went and got ice cream and I just
Speaker 1: paid because I was like, we're not doing two separate
Speaker 1: six dollar transactions. And for me, it was a question
Speaker 1: of like, wow.
Speaker 4: I just felt you're a loser. Pay for my twelve
Speaker 4: dollars for sushi.
Speaker 1: Like, I know, it sounds ridiculous because I'm all about
Speaker 1: equality and I'm all about female empowerment and you know,
Speaker 1: maybe we should be splitting the bills like, but for me,
Speaker 1: I definitely felt like it wasn't a particularly chivalrous thing
Speaker 1: for him to do.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and when it comes to dating, being a feminist
Speaker 3: is expensive. It means you pay for more things.
Speaker 5: I wish we.
Speaker 4: Could pick and choose.
Speaker 1: No, Okay, I kind of thought, it's not like We've
Speaker 1: gone to this really expensive restaurant.
Speaker 4: It was twelve dollars, Like, it literally was twelve dollars.
Speaker 1: I'm not underplaying it. And I got a really big ick.
Speaker 1: So I understand why you've got the ick here, because.
Speaker 2: There is an element of you, especially.
Speaker 1: On a first date. Sorry this was a third date. Oh,
Speaker 1: I didn't even realize for me it was a first date.
Speaker 1: And I got such a big ick from that because
Speaker 1: I was like, if this is indication bit of like
Speaker 1: how you're going to care for.
Speaker 4: Me, I'm not really that attractive to it. But this
Speaker 4: isn't so much about chivalry.
Speaker 3: This is around consideration, Like he didn't consider you when
Speaker 3: you say, hell, he didn't care how I got home.
Speaker 3: He didn't wait and to make sure that you're safe.
Speaker 3: And I think I would do that for my girlfriend
Speaker 3: if we were out somewhere late at night and I
Speaker 3: didn't know how they were getting home, I would ask
Speaker 3: the question and I would make sure that they were
Speaker 3: safe because I consider the people I care about.
Speaker 4: So I think he nailed it on the head.
Speaker 1: The reason he doesn't think that is because he's never
Speaker 1: been in the situation where it's been a threat for him.
Speaker 4: It's never been his reality.
Speaker 1: So I guess it depends on whether you are willing
Speaker 1: to accept that and you feel like it's okay for
Speaker 1: you to teach him that, which feels very patronizing, like
Speaker 1: should we be teaching people on dates how to give
Speaker 1: a fuck about the safety of the person that they've
Speaker 1: been out with.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it is a little bit of a red flag
Speaker 3: in terms of consideration, how considerate is he as a person.
Speaker 3: But when it comes to all these things that we
Speaker 3: kind of now are unpacking on, you know, our ask
Speaker 3: uncut questions and being like is this.
Speaker 4: A red flag? Isn't this a red flag? Draw a
Speaker 4: line in the sand.
Speaker 3: I think that one thing in silo is not enough
Speaker 3: to put someone in the bin. I think this instance
Speaker 3: maybe isn't enough to completely just write him off. But
Speaker 3: I do think if you had a really great time
Speaker 3: with him, if you think he's been really considerate in
Speaker 3: other ways in how he showed up to the date,
Speaker 3: give him another opportunity to show you that he is
Speaker 3: a considerate person and that this was a it.
Speaker 4: Maybe you know he even he.
Speaker 3: After the fact was like, oh, actually no, maybe not
Speaker 3: because he would have texted My thought on this is
Speaker 3: I would probably give him another opportunity. But if he
Speaker 3: continued to do things like this that made me feel
Speaker 3: like he wasn't considerate towards me, it wouldn't even be
Speaker 3: a question because my eck would be so great that
Speaker 3: I wouldn't want to date him.
Speaker 6: I also think it kind of indicates that he's not
Speaker 6: very good at reading the room.
Speaker 1: Like we all read the news, we all know that
Speaker 1: this is something that women have to.
Speaker 2: Deal with men.
Speaker 1: When he finds out about the gender paygath like his
Speaker 1: brain is gonna blow.
Speaker 4: What are you gonna do then, buddy? Yeah, I think
Speaker 4: I agree with you laws.
Speaker 1: I don't know if this is an enough to write
Speaker 1: someone off, but it's interesting to kind of have these
Speaker 1: conversations about the way that we want to be treated
Speaker 1: and looked after, and when there's a safety element to it.
Speaker 1: I think it kind of indicates to me that he
Speaker 1: hasn't had many women in his life, like maybe he
Speaker 1: didn't have sisters. I don't know why he hasn't had
Speaker 1: these conversations. I don't know why this isn't second nature
Speaker 1: to him.
Speaker 3: I would also love to know from other people, like
Speaker 3: what you guys think, would you like if you went
Speaker 3: on a date with someone and they would you care
Speaker 3: if they just left and got new ber home and
Speaker 3: sort of themselves out, even though you both made the
Speaker 3: decision not to go home together. Would that offend you?
Speaker 3: Would that give you the ick? Would it make you
Speaker 3: question the values of that person? All?
Speaker 5: Right? This is a.
Speaker 3: Very tricky one to answer, and you'll know why very soon. Okay,
Speaker 3: with partner and I are planning to start our little
Speaker 3: family together. After a recent miscarriage, he was the most
Speaker 3: supportive person, and outside of this we have the best relationship.
Speaker 3: I know he will be such a great parent. He
Speaker 3: will be the stay at home parent after my pay
Speaker 3: lee finishes as I earn more. I'm just not sure
Speaker 3: where I sit on one thing. I know it's common
Speaker 3: and almost normal these days, but every six months or so,
Speaker 3: he uses cocaine on special occasions with friends. This isn't
Speaker 3: really my thing, which he respects, but I appreciate that
Speaker 3: he's always been open when he has used them. He
Speaker 3: agrees without hesitation not to use it while we try again,
Speaker 3: but I get the impression that he may still use
Speaker 3: it on rare occasions in the future. It's not necessarily
Speaker 3: a deal breaker for me, but I just have this
Speaker 3: mindset that it's something that you weed out of your
Speaker 3: life when you become a parent.
Speaker 5: What are your thoughts?
Speaker 1: Okay, there's a couple of things that I'm thinking here,
Speaker 1: and I think firstly, we need to acknowledge the huge
Speaker 1: elephant in the room, and that is the fact that cocaine.
Speaker 2: Funnily enough, it's illegal.
Speaker 3: Cocaine is a very hard thing to talk about, right
Speaker 3: because there's two camps. If you and your friends and
Speaker 3: the people that you're around and your silo of your
Speaker 3: community don't do cocaine, then it is such a foreign
Speaker 3: concept that you're like, one, I would anyone even get
Speaker 3: it to why the fuck would you spend time with
Speaker 3: people who do it? And three like it's illegal, I'm
Speaker 3: not going to take that risk. In Sydney, it is
Speaker 3: actually unbelievably common and it's prolific. And I'm not saying
Speaker 3: that that is okay, and this conversation is in no
Speaker 3: way normalizing it. It is just shocking to me how
Speaker 3: common it really is. And I say this from someone
Speaker 3: who in my twenties I partied, but now in my thirties,
Speaker 3: I don't spend time with people who do cocaine. It's
Speaker 3: not common in my friendship groups. It's not something I'm
Speaker 3: exposed to, and so now it feels more like a
Speaker 3: foreign concept than what it did when it felt way
Speaker 3: more accessible when I was in my twenties and I
Speaker 3: was in different friendship groups and I was going out
Speaker 3: and I was partying. So I think it depends on
Speaker 3: the social scene that you're in. And also I think
Speaker 3: the other thing that's really important to establish is that
Speaker 3: just recently I was reading that there was a drug
Speaker 3: bust that happened in Sydney. That was a syndicate that
Speaker 3: was making and it's only one of many syndicates that
Speaker 3: it would exist in Sydney. It was making seven million
Speaker 3: dollars a day distributing recreational cocaine. So when you think
Speaker 3: of the scale of that in such a condensed area,
Speaker 3: I think that that gives you a bit of an
Speaker 3: understanding just how common it must be for some people
Speaker 3: to use.
Speaker 1: And I think the way that I would like to
Speaker 1: talk about this is not so much from the legal
Speaker 1: side of things, because we all know that drugs are illegal,
Speaker 1: but also I don't even just want to talk about
Speaker 1: it from cocaine. I want to talk about this from
Speaker 1: any type of drug, because I think that this is
Speaker 1: a question that a lot of people have within their relationships,
Speaker 1: and to give a little bit of background, because I
Speaker 1: know that I might be using some words that sound
Speaker 1: a bit strange. Before I worked with the Girls, I
Speaker 1: actually did an honors in biomedical science and my research
Speaker 1: was in addictions, specifically of genetic factors that affect cocaine addiction.
Speaker 2: So my background looked.
Speaker 1: A lot at the physiological side of drug use and
Speaker 1: what contributed to drug behavior. I didn't really look at
Speaker 1: the legalities of it, and I think that's why I
Speaker 1: kind of look at this question and I may view
Speaker 1: it a little bit differently to how a lot of
Speaker 1: other people do, so I just wanted to establish that
Speaker 1: before I kind of say more when we're talking about
Speaker 1: drug use. I think the things that are really important
Speaker 1: to check yourself or maybe check your partner is whether
Speaker 1: it is having a really negative effect on your life.
Speaker 1: It's also important to consider does your partner or do
Speaker 1: you have the ability to say no? If they're an
Speaker 1: environment where drugs are happening, do you have the control
Speaker 1: over that decision or do you feel peer pressured into it.
Speaker 1: Other things to consider are does your behavior change, do
Speaker 1: you get aggressive, do you get more flirty. That's a
Speaker 1: really common thing that people don't like their partners doing
Speaker 1: drugs because of because they say that, you know, they
Speaker 1: kind of go out, they lose their inhibitions, and they
Speaker 1: may do things that you would deem to.
Speaker 2: Be cheating in your relationship.
Speaker 1: And another thing to think about is whether it's having
Speaker 1: a significant financial impact on you because drugs are expensive.
Speaker 1: What I do like about this situation is that your
Speaker 1: partner seems to have control over the choice because he
Speaker 1: said that he's agreed without hesitation, to not use it
Speaker 1: while you try again.
Speaker 2: So to me, that's a tick.
Speaker 1: It also seems as though the frequency isn't particularly high,
Speaker 1: and you've said that it's not a deal breaker.
Speaker 2: So what I would deem this.
Speaker 1: To be in my view in my relationship, I wouldn't
Speaker 1: see this as being problematic use of drugs.
Speaker 3: I guess My thing is is like the big question
Speaker 3: here is is this something that you weed out after
Speaker 3: you have kids? And in my experience, yes it is,
Speaker 3: because it's not just I guess my rebuttal to what
Speaker 3: you say, keish is problematic is problematic to who problematic
Speaker 3: to the user or problematic to the person who's in
Speaker 3: a relationship with them, because I don't want to be
Speaker 3: in a relationship with somebody who does cocaine at or
Speaker 3: at least he's honest about it, you know, at least
Speaker 3: he's coming home and he's telling you, he's not hiding it,
Speaker 3: all of those sorts of things. But I guess for me,
Speaker 3: and the way I would feel is if I had
Speaker 3: communicated that this is something that made me upset and
Speaker 3: it's such an infrequent thing that he has quote unquote
Speaker 3: control over. I'm not saying you can't go out and
Speaker 3: have drinks. I'm not saying you can't go out and
Speaker 3: party with your friends. I'm just saying that this thing
Speaker 3: that is a ly that I don't want you to
Speaker 3: do because of potentially the repercussions that could happen and
Speaker 3: the risks that might be involved. I guess like I
Speaker 3: would hate that my partner was prioritizing his once every
Speaker 3: six month need to do cocaine over our wellbeing and
Speaker 3: our happiness as a couple. Like that for me would
Speaker 3: sit uncomfortably, and I guess I would question if it's
Speaker 3: so important to you to do that, you would sacrifice
Speaker 3: our combined happiness, like where is the line there? Then
Speaker 3: as a relationship sacrifice, I probably have more of a
Speaker 3: bias as a parent because I know that there are
Speaker 3: still parents who go out there and do you know,
Speaker 3: I'm not saying they don't take care of their kids,
Speaker 3: but they'll make arrangements. They'll still go out and party,
Speaker 3: and they're not bad parents.
Speaker 5: They're amazing parents.
Speaker 3: Still, They just every so often, you know, have their
Speaker 3: own special adult time, which is how And I'm not
Speaker 3: going to judge anyone in the way that they choose.
Speaker 5: To live their life.
Speaker 3: But I guess for me, I personally don't see the
Speaker 3: value in the risk. You know, I think about what
Speaker 3: happened to Nadia tell I think about what happened to Cassidy.
Speaker 5: I don't ever want to.
Speaker 3: Be in a situation or have my partner be in
Speaker 3: a situation where our life could be affected by one
Speaker 3: very silly decision or one night out. And I guess
Speaker 3: as a parent, my propensity to worry has changed, my
Speaker 3: propensity for caution has changed. I do understand why you
Speaker 3: ask the question, isn't this something that you just weed
Speaker 3: out when you have kids? So I guess I very
Speaker 3: much understand where the wife is coming from.
Speaker 1: With that thought, I think, and this is where I
Speaker 1: feel a little bit different, and that's why I felt
Speaker 1: it was important to establish kind of these other things
Speaker 1: about the type of use.
Speaker 4: And in my mind, I see this as.
Speaker 1: An expectation in a change of behavior, and I view
Speaker 1: it very similarly to alcohol, you know, because they are
Speaker 1: both drugs.
Speaker 2: It's just that one's illegal and one's not illegal.
Speaker 1: And I guess that that may be why you find
Speaker 1: the distinction between not wanting to take the risk because
Speaker 1: there is the risk of it being criminalized.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and alcohol it's in many cases worse, Like you
Speaker 3: can go out and get absolutely blind drunk, and that
Speaker 3: can ruin your relationship in the same way that you
Speaker 3: could go out and do cocaine. I'm not saying that
Speaker 3: just because one has more or less of an effect
Speaker 3: on your physiologically. I'm talking about the very real implications
Speaker 3: that if you're in a nightclub with cocaine versu in
Speaker 3: a nightclub with a glass of wine, the outcome if
Speaker 3: you get caught are very very different.
Speaker 1: Yeah, if it's something that the two of you agree
Speaker 1: to in your relationship, because you're planning a family and
Speaker 1: that's what you want for your future. That's absolutely fine,
Speaker 1: and that's anyone's prerogative personally. What I find a bit
Speaker 1: of a problem, and I've seen this happen to so
Speaker 1: many of my friends, is that people will turn up
Speaker 1: into relationships with a set of the way that they
Speaker 1: conduct life, you know, And in this particular circumstance, to me,
Speaker 1: it's not a trouble, Like, he's really honest about it.
Speaker 1: He has all the markers of like, you know, he's
Speaker 1: not lying to you about it, he's not doing bad
Speaker 1: things when he goes out with his friends on special occasions.
Speaker 5: He has a handle on it, is what you're saying.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it sounds like it.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 6: I obviously don't have all of the information. But what
Speaker 6: I don't like.
Speaker 1: Is when I kind of see this change in what
Speaker 1: you deem to be a boundary, and then because of
Speaker 1: the way that you have changed a boundary, you expect
Speaker 1: your partner to follow the same, and in this circumstance,
Speaker 1: asking like, is it something that you weed out of
Speaker 1: your life? I just want to ask you, like, why
Speaker 1: do you feel that way? Do you feel that way
Speaker 1: because you want him to be more responsible when you
Speaker 1: have a family, because that's fine, but it's also a
Speaker 1: conversation between the two of you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't feel the same as that, And maybe
Speaker 3: this is going to be a question.
Speaker 4: Where we don't agree on completely.
Speaker 3: And I think that that's because your expectations in relationships
Speaker 3: are allowed to change. What you and your partner were
Speaker 3: okay with, and what you were okay with in your
Speaker 3: partner's behavior five years ago, verse what you're okay with
Speaker 3: when you have children and other people to be responsible for,
Speaker 3: it's allowed to change. And I don't think that that
Speaker 3: is you trying to stop your partner from having a
Speaker 3: good time. She's not saying you can't go out. She's
Speaker 3: not saying you can't enjoy yourself with your friends. She's
Speaker 3: saying this thing which causes me stress or worry, or
Speaker 3: it puts things in jeopardy for me, or scenes an
Speaker 3: unnecessary risk to take when we had the responsibility of
Speaker 3: two little humans or one little human. I'm speaking for myself,
Speaker 3: two little humans. The juice is not worth a squeeze.
Speaker 3: And I just go back to that conversation of like,
Speaker 3: if I'm in a relationship with someone and they're prioritizing
Speaker 3: that over our mutual stability. My question would be, why
Speaker 3: what is it about that infrequency that's still so important
Speaker 3: to hear my guess if we.
Speaker 1: Reverse this situation, I was the one going out doing
Speaker 1: special occasion things, and I didn't think that it was
Speaker 1: much of a problem in my relationship because you've actually
Speaker 1: said it's not a deal breaker if I wasn't causing
Speaker 1: any problems, like if I was still being responsible, if
Speaker 1: I was still turning up to look after the kid
Speaker 1: when I said I was going to, if it was
Speaker 1: just a one off kind of thing that happened twice
Speaker 1: a year, I would question, like, why are you expecting
Speaker 1: me to change this because I haven't done anything wrong? Ye.
Speaker 3: But I would also question that you can't like, I
Speaker 3: don't think that people can go out and have a
Speaker 3: massive night on cocaine and they don't feel the effects
Speaker 3: for several days, Like you're down. You have to then
Speaker 3: deal with someone who's going through like the anxiety of it.
Speaker 3: You're not able to show up and be a great
Speaker 3: parent the next day. I don't think that it's just like, oh,
Speaker 3: it's one night out and then there's no flow on effect.
Speaker 5: It doesn't affect anything.
Speaker 3: I think that that's like several days that you're taking
Speaker 3: out of the responsibility of being clocked in and quality parenting.
Speaker 2: But I would say the same for drinking. Yeah, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean.
Speaker 4: So if it was like he goes out twice.
Speaker 1: A year, has a bit of a hangover for a while, Like,
Speaker 1: what I'm asking is like, would you have a problem
Speaker 1: with that or is it specifically because of the illegal
Speaker 1: nature of it that the risk is it?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree with that point.
Speaker 3: Look, I think for me and the way I feel
Speaker 3: about it now has vastly changed to the way I
Speaker 3: felt about it in my twenties. The people who do it,
Speaker 3: it's still shrouded in secrecy. It's still looked on so negatively.
Speaker 3: And I don't care if other people do it, And
Speaker 3: this is not my judgment on them. I just don't
Speaker 3: want it for myself and I don't want it in
Speaker 3: my relationship. And I think it is a little bit
Speaker 3: different when there is the possibility that your entire career
Speaker 3: could go out the window. If so, for me, I'm like,
Speaker 3: I will not take the risk. I think that this
Speaker 3: is a conversation that loads of people face in their relationships,
Speaker 3: and it doesn't have to just come down to cocaine.
Speaker 3: It could come down to having like a massive blowout party.
Speaker 3: It could come down to like the frequency of your
Speaker 3: partner drinking their behavior. I think that if something is
Speaker 3: an issue for you in a relationship, there has to
Speaker 3: be a conversation around it, and there has to be
Speaker 3: some sort of middle ground and a listening to and
Speaker 3: evalidating of the concerns of the other person and I
Speaker 3: think getting to the bottom of it, and maybe for
Speaker 3: the person who's written this question in ask yourself, is
Speaker 3: it because you have an issue with the drugs itself?
Speaker 3: Is it because of his behavior as you mentioned Keisha?
Speaker 3: Is it because of the you know, the things that
Speaker 3: could happen, Like, what is the thing about it that
Speaker 3: makes you feel so uncertain? It makes you hate the
Speaker 3: idea of him doing it once you have kids and
Speaker 3: you have this family unit. And then I guess also
Speaker 3: understanding from his perspective, why does he feel the need?
Speaker 3: What is it about that that he feels like he's
Speaker 3: going to be missing out on if he does. But
Speaker 3: I do think it is a testament to your relationship
Speaker 3: that even though he knows you don't like it, he's
Speaker 3: still very honest with you. Because it would be easier
Speaker 3: to lie. It would be easier for him to go
Speaker 3: out for a night out and lie about doing it
Speaker 3: and then never have to face up to the uncomfortable
Speaker 3: conversations around how it makes you feel.
Speaker 1: I also think it's important to kind of check in
Speaker 1: on this whole, like does this cause a problem in
Speaker 1: our relationship or is it just that you expected when
Speaker 1: you got to a different stage of life that it
Speaker 1: wouldn't exist, because maybe you know, you just had this
Speaker 1: idea in your head of like, oh, well, once you
Speaker 1: have children, you stop doing that stuff, and the reality
Speaker 1: is that's not true.
Speaker 4: For a lot of people, you do have the choice
Speaker 4: of whether that stops.
Speaker 1: But for me, I just think that it's not fair
Speaker 1: to put that change of what you expect in your
Speaker 1: relationship onto the other person unless there is something that
Speaker 1: they're doing that is wrong.
Speaker 6: Or they also want to make that change.
Speaker 1: All I'm saying is like, for me, I think it's
Speaker 1: more of a you have to mutually agree upon this
Speaker 1: unless they're experiencing something that is problematic.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 3: And I think that that's such an important point because
Speaker 3: I think so many people go into relationships thinking that
Speaker 3: once they're married or once they have babies, that's something
Speaker 3: will change, that that will be the catalyst that will
Speaker 3: change the behavior of their partner. And the reality is
Speaker 3: is that those things don't change necessarily someone's behavior, And
Speaker 3: it's all the conversations that precede it that ensure that
Speaker 3: you're on the same page. What is our life going
Speaker 3: to look like when we're married, What is our life
Speaker 3: going to look like if we choose to have children,
Speaker 3: How do we want to parent our children? Where are
Speaker 3: our limitations, our boundaries. It's okay for what you want
Speaker 3: in your relationship to change, but I don't think that
Speaker 3: the expectation can be that just because you have children,
Speaker 3: someone will have those same expectations that you do. And
Speaker 3: that's an important conversation.
Speaker 1: And maybe there's an element of him wanting to hold
Speaker 1: on to his life before he was a dad, you know,
Speaker 1: I think we do. But you can do that without
Speaker 1: But I might say, like going out with his mates,
Speaker 1: you know, every now and then and kind of having
Speaker 1: that fun party experience every now and then. Because we
Speaker 1: talk so much about the shifting identity, you know, when
Speaker 1: you become a parent, and I think a lot of
Speaker 1: that is grieving the fact that you don't have the
Speaker 1: things that you used to do before you've had kids,
Speaker 1: and so maybe this is his way of just holding
Speaker 1: on to.
Speaker 4: That little bit of who he was before you.
Speaker 6: Did have more responsibilities of children laying around.
Speaker 3: I know that this will be a polarizing conversation. I
Speaker 3: want to go back to that thing that I said
Speaker 3: at the very start. It depends on what camp you
Speaker 3: sit in. If you were in a social group where
Speaker 3: it's common, you almost can normalize it to yourself. And
Speaker 3: if you're in a social group where it's not common,
Speaker 3: then you will very much be like, how is this
Speaker 3: even a consideration?
Speaker 5: Because it is fucking illegal.
Speaker 3: Right, And that is the black and white nature of it.
Speaker 3: It's that on one side it's black and white, and
Speaker 3: if you sit on the other line, it is so gray.
Speaker 3: And I think we would be kidding ourselves if we
Speaker 3: sat here and put our head in the sand and
Speaker 3: only had this conversation from the side of it being illegal,
Speaker 3: because the reality is that a lot of couples have
Speaker 3: to deal with this conversation and how do you navigate
Speaker 3: something when so many people think it's normal slash common,
Speaker 3: which is exactly how this woman has described it.
Speaker 5: In the question that is it from us.
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