1 00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:06,479 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. 2 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:10,280 Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just 3 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:11,520 Speaker 2: once answers me ow. 4 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:16,599 Speaker 1: Hello. This is doctor Justin Colson. Welcome to the Happy 5 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,239 Speaker 1: Families Podcast. We're so glad to have you here. I'm 6 00:00:19,239 --> 00:00:23,280 Speaker 1: here with Kylie, my wife and mom to our six daughters. Kylie, 7 00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:27,520 Speaker 1: we received an email to podcasts at happy families dot 8 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:31,240 Speaker 1: com dot you. We prefer voice messages from happy families 9 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:34,000 Speaker 1: dot com dot you on the podcast's link. You just 10 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:36,480 Speaker 1: press the button and talk to us. That's what we prefer. 11 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:39,519 Speaker 1: But this was such a good question that even though 12 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:41,320 Speaker 1: it came vi our email, we decided we were going 13 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,880 Speaker 1: to answer it today anyway, A question from somebody who 14 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:47,680 Speaker 1: is really struggling, and I thought it would be good 15 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:50,319 Speaker 1: to have you involved in the conversation as well. Why 16 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:50,880 Speaker 1: don't you. 17 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,440 Speaker 2: Listen because I actually thought you had written this question. 18 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:56,560 Speaker 1: No, no, no, This comes from someone called Krinne. It 19 00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:58,280 Speaker 1: was Karin who asked the question, not me. 20 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:03,560 Speaker 2: Kareem said, we're currently facing difficulties with our ten year 21 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:03,920 Speaker 2: old daughter. 22 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,720 Speaker 1: Now I know why you thought that. I wrote that. 23 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:09,800 Speaker 2: She's exhibiting a strong sense of stubbornness, particularly when it 24 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:14,080 Speaker 2: comes to setting boundaries. Instead of engaging in discussions about 25 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:17,600 Speaker 2: why we've established certain limits, she reacts with screaming an 26 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:21,200 Speaker 2: outright refusal to listen. Even when we attempt to discuss 27 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:25,440 Speaker 2: the matter calmly, she becomes defensive and refuses to communicate. 28 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:28,919 Speaker 2: We're open to hearing her perspective and providing her with autonomy, 29 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:32,440 Speaker 2: but she seems unwilling to engage in dialogue. Despite our 30 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:35,480 Speaker 2: efforts to address the issue at a more suitable time, 31 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:40,480 Speaker 2: she persists in avoiding the conversation altogether. She often responds 32 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:43,120 Speaker 2: with I just want to be left alone. We're trying 33 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:46,679 Speaker 2: to build connection to enable these conversations, but she just 34 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:49,440 Speaker 2: doesn't want to connect. We're seeking guidance on how to 35 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:53,120 Speaker 2: effectively communicate with her and navigate these challenging moments. 36 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:56,160 Speaker 1: Okay, so what do you do when the three e's 37 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:59,640 Speaker 1: don't work? Colie? For those who are not familiar with 38 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:02,520 Speaker 1: the three effective discipline, this is a model that I 39 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:06,840 Speaker 1: developed about ten years ago now, maybe more based on 40 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:10,359 Speaker 1: the work that's been done in self determination theory, where 41 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:13,639 Speaker 1: we're trying to support children's basic psychological needs, and the 42 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:16,280 Speaker 1: way we do that, of course, is by having them 43 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,000 Speaker 1: to feel like there is a positive relationship between the 44 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:22,200 Speaker 1: two of us, says connection by helping them to identify 45 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:25,120 Speaker 1: how they can be competent, by giving them a reasonable 46 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:28,240 Speaker 1: structure for how to move forward, and by supporting their autonomy, 47 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,959 Speaker 1: that is, by giving them the opportunity to develop solutions 48 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:34,400 Speaker 1: that are in harmony with their values. And this is 49 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:36,720 Speaker 1: the critical thing. A lot of people think that autonomy 50 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:40,240 Speaker 1: means giving the kids free rein but autonomy means that 51 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:43,200 Speaker 1: I'm acting volitionally. I know what I value, I know 52 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:48,720 Speaker 1: what's important. I'm acting in that direction. We've got kids who, 53 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:51,040 Speaker 1: from time to time have made it very clear that 54 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:55,320 Speaker 1: they don't want to engage in a three ease conversation. 55 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,200 Speaker 1: They don't want us to explore their world, explain what 56 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:01,880 Speaker 1: we expect, and empower them to find solutions. That's what 57 00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:04,919 Speaker 1: the THREEE model is because it supports those basic psychological 58 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,840 Speaker 1: needs Before we dive into any of the answers that 59 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:12,120 Speaker 1: I've started to put together for this podcast, what's your 60 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,040 Speaker 1: typical response when the kids don't want to dive into 61 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:16,480 Speaker 1: a three e's conversation with us? 62 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:21,720 Speaker 2: Over the years, I have discovered that time is a 63 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:28,560 Speaker 2: really important friend. With these conversations, allowing our kids the 64 00:03:28,639 --> 00:03:31,280 Speaker 2: space that they need to kind of just have some 65 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:35,240 Speaker 2: time away is important, but it's also important for me 66 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,400 Speaker 2: as well. I get really really caught up in wanting 67 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:43,600 Speaker 2: to fix things in the moment without recognizing that sometimes 68 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:45,200 Speaker 2: things don't get fixed in the moment. 69 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:48,000 Speaker 1: Right and the whole thing there. Really, this is pretty 70 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,520 Speaker 1: much where I was going to go anyway, and I'm 71 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:52,240 Speaker 1: so glad that you said it. Fundamentally, the reason that 72 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:57,360 Speaker 1: we need to give enough time and not always fix 73 00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:00,280 Speaker 1: things in the here and now right here, we've got 74 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:01,720 Speaker 1: to talk about it, we've got to sort it out. 75 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:03,760 Speaker 1: We need to know where we're going from this point on. 76 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,680 Speaker 1: The reason is that equation that I've developed a number 77 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,800 Speaker 1: of years ago as well, which is that high emotions 78 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:13,400 Speaker 1: equals low intelligence. That is, the more emotional you are, 79 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,400 Speaker 1: the more stupid you are. And that's what happens with 80 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:17,200 Speaker 1: our kids, and it happens with us. The more emotional 81 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,600 Speaker 1: we get, the less able we are to have a 82 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:23,159 Speaker 1: reasonable conversation and find solutions. And ultimately, what we're trying 83 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,960 Speaker 1: to do is that's what discipline is, right. Discipline ultimately 84 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,800 Speaker 1: is helping the kids to find appropriate solutions so that 85 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:32,240 Speaker 1: we don't keep on having these these challenges and these difficulties. 86 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,120 Speaker 2: So I guess, as an add on to that, the 87 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:39,120 Speaker 2: acknowledgment is that sometimes time is a few minutes, sometimes 88 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:41,880 Speaker 2: it's a few hours, sometimes it's a few days, and 89 00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:44,279 Speaker 2: sometimes it's a few weeks. 90 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:46,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, you've kind of skipped to the very bottom of 91 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,880 Speaker 1: oh yeah, like of all the things that I've got. 92 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,039 Speaker 1: So here's my wrap up. Let's go straight to the 93 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:54,000 Speaker 1: end and then we'll sort of fill in the middle. 94 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:56,320 Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I mean the three things that I was 95 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:58,159 Speaker 1: going to say at number one. You don't have to 96 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,880 Speaker 1: do the three's all the time. Sometimes it's okay to 97 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:03,360 Speaker 1: step in his parents say, I'd love to explore and 98 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,599 Speaker 1: explain it in the power, but this is just what 99 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:07,160 Speaker 1: we need to do. And as the parent, I'm going 100 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:08,680 Speaker 1: to be the prefrontal cortex and I'm just going to 101 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:10,719 Speaker 1: make this stuff happen. Okay, we don't want to do 102 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:12,640 Speaker 1: that very often, but from time to time, as a parent, 103 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:16,120 Speaker 1: you just do have to be the mean, cranky parent 104 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:17,240 Speaker 1: that gets stuff done. 105 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,240 Speaker 2: But I don't even think it's about being mean and 106 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:21,560 Speaker 2: kind of being forceful in the conversation. 107 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,880 Speaker 1: I use the wrong words it's really about holding a boundary. 108 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:25,320 Speaker 1: Sometimes as a parent you just have to say, I 109 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:26,919 Speaker 1: know you're sad, I know you don't want to do this, 110 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,560 Speaker 1: but this needs to be done. 111 00:05:28,839 --> 00:05:31,920 Speaker 2: Some conversations are just hard, right They're hard. They're hard 112 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:35,320 Speaker 2: as an adult, let alone being a child. And the 113 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:38,680 Speaker 2: acknowledgment for me as a mum is I know you 114 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,159 Speaker 2: don't want to have this conversation, but when we're part 115 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:45,240 Speaker 2: of a family, sometimes we have to do these hard things. 116 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,520 Speaker 2: And I love how our family feels when we do X, 117 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 2: Y and Z, but right now it doesn't feel great. 118 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,719 Speaker 2: Can you think about why it doesn't feel great and 119 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:56,360 Speaker 2: how we might work together to make it feel great again. 120 00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:58,960 Speaker 1: And again, if you've got really high emotions, that's probably 121 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,440 Speaker 1: not going to work well because the kids are not 122 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,000 Speaker 1: going to play the game, they're not going to get 123 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,159 Speaker 1: involved in it. But so long as emotions are lower, 124 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,159 Speaker 1: you can definitely do that. I guess My point really, though, 125 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,039 Speaker 1: is you don't have to always do the three is 126 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 1: if you did, you would be exhausted, and so would they. 127 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,640 Speaker 1: The second point, though, is you can do the threes 128 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:24,000 Speaker 1: in thirty seconds. It doesn't have to be a long 129 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:28,240 Speaker 1: drawn out session. So so long as emotions are cool, 130 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:30,520 Speaker 1: you can say, all right, I know that you don't 131 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,000 Speaker 1: want to clean up the house. I know that it 132 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,880 Speaker 1: just feels like it's so burdensome. Is there anything else, like, 133 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,440 Speaker 1: is there any other reason that you just don't want 134 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,480 Speaker 1: to be participating in helping right now? And listen, But 135 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:40,440 Speaker 1: because I want to play games? Okay, I get it. 136 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:43,080 Speaker 1: Everyone wants to play games. That's fair enough. We need 137 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:44,920 Speaker 1: to work together. Now you've gone from explore to explain 138 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,440 Speaker 1: we need to work together. What do you think we 139 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:49,240 Speaker 1: can do to make this happen in a way that 140 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,080 Speaker 1: we can all feel good about it, Like you can 141 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,960 Speaker 1: get that done in thirty seconds, in twenty seconds. It 142 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,919 Speaker 1: just takes practice. And this is the big thing with 143 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:59,119 Speaker 1: the three ees or any other parenting model. Everything takes 144 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,880 Speaker 1: practice compared to yelling, time out, smacking, and doing the 145 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,800 Speaker 1: old school style of parenting. 146 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:05,840 Speaker 2: Yeah. So with our ten year old, one of the 147 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:07,920 Speaker 2: conversation pieces I have with her is I want you 148 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,720 Speaker 2: to be able to do that too. We've just got 149 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,120 Speaker 2: to get this done. So how can we work together 150 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,120 Speaker 2: to get this done quickly? 151 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,880 Speaker 1: So you can get back to that and so long 152 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:17,080 Speaker 1: as she's not emotional, we get good responses. If she 153 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:20,920 Speaker 1: is emotional, it takes four hours. Yes, And I think 154 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:24,600 Speaker 1: that's the reality. Right. You've said this already. But as 155 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:26,600 Speaker 1: I said, the very last point that I was going 156 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,600 Speaker 1: to make in this podcast, and we're making it sort 157 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,960 Speaker 1: of halfway through, is sometimes it will take weeks or 158 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,840 Speaker 1: more to get a resolution because emotions can be really big. 159 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:40,160 Speaker 1: And while the process is not flawed, our practice is, 160 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,400 Speaker 1: and our brains are, and our emotions are, and our 161 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:45,880 Speaker 1: children are, and we are Therefore. I remember one of 162 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,800 Speaker 1: the big blops that we had in our home without firstborn, 163 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 1: when she was only about thirteen fourteen, revolved around her 164 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:56,960 Speaker 1: dishonesty with technology use, and she lost her access to 165 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:58,880 Speaker 1: devices for a little while until we were able to 166 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:01,720 Speaker 1: resolve the issue. She was so emotional every time we 167 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:04,040 Speaker 1: talked about it, and I would say, we can't have 168 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:07,040 Speaker 1: the conversation when you're emotional. Let's try again tomorrow, and 169 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,640 Speaker 1: I reckon it took three months. Maybe it wasn't that long, 170 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:11,920 Speaker 1: maybe it was six weeks, but whatever it was, it 171 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:14,520 Speaker 1: took a long time before she was finally able to 172 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:18,440 Speaker 1: regulate her emotions enough to have a conversation. Sensibly where 173 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:19,880 Speaker 1: we could come up with a solution that we could 174 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:23,000 Speaker 1: feel good about. I think this is the critical thing, Like, 175 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,400 Speaker 1: our kids need time to digest it. They need time 176 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:29,320 Speaker 1: to work out what they value, especially especially if you're 177 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:32,440 Speaker 1: dealing with neurodivergent kids, right like if neurodiversity is in 178 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:34,679 Speaker 1: your home, the new concepts and new ideas can take 179 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 1: a long time to digest. There's a lot of rigidity, 180 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:39,720 Speaker 1: there's a lot of certainty, there's a lot of my 181 00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:43,480 Speaker 1: way or no way going black and white, absolutely, and 182 00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:47,440 Speaker 1: so we've just got to be willing to sit in 183 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:50,560 Speaker 1: that uncomfortable space and wait for the kids to work 184 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:52,240 Speaker 1: through this, to figure this stuff out. 185 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:54,679 Speaker 2: There are a couple of other things you did want 186 00:08:54,679 --> 00:08:57,040 Speaker 2: to talk about, but I saw you under and we're 187 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,280 Speaker 2: kind of stutted from the end to the beginning again, 188 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,560 Speaker 2: so have a chat about them. I think one of 189 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,320 Speaker 2: the most important things that I have learned with our 190 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:09,200 Speaker 2: ten year old specifically, is information overload. I have conversations 191 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,120 Speaker 2: with her and I think it's really clear and you know, 192 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,920 Speaker 2: pretty concise the things that I want her to understand, 193 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:19,520 Speaker 2: and she has gotten so good at articulating, and she 194 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,800 Speaker 2: will say in those moments mum, you're talking too much. 195 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,360 Speaker 2: Like literally, those are her words, Mum, you're talking too much. 196 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,679 Speaker 2: I can't I can't take it all in. And at 197 00:09:27,679 --> 00:09:32,680 Speaker 2: that point she's pretty she's pretty intensely overloaded. But I 198 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:34,840 Speaker 2: really appreciate that she's able to say it, because when 199 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,800 Speaker 2: she says it, I go, oh, take a step back. Okay, 200 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:41,400 Speaker 2: let's let's go back to the beginning, or let's just 201 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,240 Speaker 2: leave things for a little while. You need some time 202 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:45,280 Speaker 2: to regulate. I need some time to give you a hug, 203 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:49,200 Speaker 2: whatever it takes, so that we don't have that emotional overload. 204 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,120 Speaker 1: So the short version of what you just said is 205 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:52,880 Speaker 1: be really clear in your own mind about what you 206 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,360 Speaker 1: want to communicate, and then get in and out as 207 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:59,520 Speaker 1: fast as you can. Felt like it to be less 208 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,680 Speaker 1: is more. It felt like it about ninety minutes for 209 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:05,160 Speaker 1: you to say, don't give too much information. A couple 210 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,400 Speaker 1: of other things, be okay with your kids being uncomfortable, 211 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,559 Speaker 1: and be okay with being a bit uncomfortable yourself. Sometimes 212 00:10:10,559 --> 00:10:12,080 Speaker 1: as a parent, you just do have to hold back 213 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:16,680 Speaker 1: ground until your child gets the point. Kids need limits, boundaries, structure, 214 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:19,960 Speaker 1: framework systems to follow so that they can feel confident 215 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:23,680 Speaker 1: and safe, and if they're pushing against that, it's normal. 216 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:26,440 Speaker 1: That's what they do. Be okay with their discomfort. You 217 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:29,920 Speaker 1: don't have to fix their emotions. Early in our relationship 218 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,040 Speaker 1: or not too early, sort of a dozen years ago 219 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:34,360 Speaker 1: or something, I remember saying to you, I'm not going 220 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:37,080 Speaker 1: to be upset just because you are, and that I 221 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:38,480 Speaker 1: could have said it nicer. I didn't say it the 222 00:10:38,559 --> 00:10:40,559 Speaker 1: best way possible. I kind of blew it that way. 223 00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:42,600 Speaker 1: But what I was essentially saying is I'm not responsible 224 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,000 Speaker 1: for whether you feel lousy or not, because I wasn't 225 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,720 Speaker 1: in that case. It's not like I'd done something. You 226 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:50,160 Speaker 1: were just having a blue sort of week. Therefore, I'm 227 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,000 Speaker 1: not going to feel bad because you're feeling bad. I'm 228 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,240 Speaker 1: going to be supportive and loving and caring and empathic, 229 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:56,719 Speaker 1: and I want you to feel good. But if you're 230 00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:58,079 Speaker 1: having a bad day, I'm not going to let that 231 00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,400 Speaker 1: ruin mine. 232 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,760 Speaker 2: So I'm going to kind of just twist your words 233 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:04,720 Speaker 2: a little bit there. Because the one thing that I 234 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:08,200 Speaker 2: really felt so important, and it's something that was not 235 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:12,080 Speaker 2: modeled to me as a child, but the acknowledgment that 236 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:16,360 Speaker 2: when our children are in those hard spaces and there 237 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:19,840 Speaker 2: is a misalignment in values as we kind of navigate 238 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,920 Speaker 2: this challenge, whatever it happens to be the most important 239 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:24,920 Speaker 2: thing we can do is turn towards our children. 240 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,520 Speaker 1: So I sound like it wasn't very validating. 241 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:33,640 Speaker 2: Your acknowledgment was I'm not going to let your upset 242 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:37,920 Speaker 2: or your uncomfortability in whatever emotion you're dealing with change 243 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:41,040 Speaker 2: the way I interact with you. And that's exactly what 244 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,319 Speaker 2: it was. It was, I'm not going to let your sad, 245 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:48,120 Speaker 2: your whatever, your heaviness infiltrate the way I feel about 246 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:52,360 Speaker 2: me specifically, and therefore it allows me to love you 247 00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,000 Speaker 2: the way I do all the time. 248 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,599 Speaker 1: You said, that's so much better than me. Yeah, the 249 00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,560 Speaker 1: whole day was I love you like crazy. I'm so 250 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,320 Speaker 1: sorry that going through this, and I'm absolutely here for you. 251 00:12:02,679 --> 00:12:04,520 Speaker 1: But once I leave the room, I'm going to go 252 00:12:04,559 --> 00:12:06,520 Speaker 1: and get on with my stuff my way, because I 253 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,160 Speaker 1: can't be weighed down by it. 254 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,280 Speaker 2: Yeah. And we talk about emotions being contagious, right, and 255 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:14,480 Speaker 2: it's so easy for us to catch our children's emotions 256 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,520 Speaker 2: and vice versa. And when our kids are in this 257 00:12:16,559 --> 00:12:21,680 Speaker 2: difficult place, how often our knee jerk reaction is to 258 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:26,840 Speaker 2: meet their emotions with more intensity. But what they actually 259 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:29,520 Speaker 2: need to know is that no matter what's going on, 260 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:31,319 Speaker 2: no matter how many times we have to sit down 261 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,560 Speaker 2: and have this hard conversation, no matter how many times 262 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:36,640 Speaker 2: we sit down, we don't get to the end of 263 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,800 Speaker 2: the conversation. I'm going to love you, and I'm going 264 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:39,600 Speaker 2: to keep loving you. 265 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,559 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, love that. Let's wrap this up. I think 266 00:12:42,559 --> 00:12:45,600 Speaker 1: it's fairly common with not just oppositional kids, but kids 267 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,640 Speaker 1: in general. Their instinct is to go with what they know, 268 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,240 Speaker 1: to reject anything that we're saying, especially if it's new information, 269 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,240 Speaker 1: and they have to really feel like it is their 270 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,000 Speaker 1: choice to get on board with a new idea or not. 271 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,160 Speaker 1: So if you're not getting anywhere at all with the 272 00:12:57,160 --> 00:13:00,360 Speaker 1: three e's, it's probably because your child is still feeling 273 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:03,000 Speaker 1: coerced or still feeling emotional, and so trying to argue 274 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,480 Speaker 1: the pros and cons and trying to have a really 275 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,240 Speaker 1: logically engagement with them is just not going to work. 276 00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:11,160 Speaker 1: We need to make gentle suggestions. We need to listen 277 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,840 Speaker 1: and then back away and give them time to suggest. 278 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:17,720 Speaker 1: These conversations usually don't have to be fully resolved in 279 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:21,839 Speaker 1: the moment on the spot. We really hope that's been helpful. Corinth, 280 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,199 Speaker 1: Thanks so much for your question on The Happy Family's podcast, 281 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,880 Speaker 1: which is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. If 282 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:28,920 Speaker 1: you'd like more and fo about making your family happier, 283 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:30,800 Speaker 1: visitors at happy families dot com, dot a