1 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:07,080 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:10,399 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers Now. 3 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:13,000 Speaker 2: This week on the Happy Families Podcast, we have a 4 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:18,360 Speaker 2: special guest sharing some ideas from her substack. Rebecca Delahoy 5 00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:21,800 Speaker 2: or Beck, is a former researcher who decided to move 6 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:26,040 Speaker 2: her skills in research and writing away from the rather 7 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:30,240 Speaker 2: niche field of neuropsychiatry to the far less niche field 8 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,319 Speaker 2: of parenting, hoping that her work would have a more 9 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:37,360 Speaker 2: immediate impact on helping people. Beck is a homeschooling mum 10 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:40,120 Speaker 2: raising her three kids in Melbourne with her husband of 11 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:44,720 Speaker 2: seven years. She has also very recently started writing on substack, 12 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,479 Speaker 2: where she shares the lessons she's learning about what it 13 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:50,960 Speaker 2: means to parent. You can read her latest thoughts about 14 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:56,720 Speaker 2: parenting intentionally at Bechdelahoy dot substack dot com. We'll link 15 00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:57,920 Speaker 2: to that in the show notes. 16 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:07,000 Speaker 1: Hello everyone, I'm Beck Delahoy. I'm a homeschooling mum of 17 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,560 Speaker 1: three kids and the author behind the substack Bechdalahoy dot 18 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:13,560 Speaker 1: substack dot com. I have a quick story to tell you. 19 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,680 Speaker 1: At home, it's not just me, my husband and our 20 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:20,039 Speaker 1: three kids living there. We also live with the wicked mouse. 21 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:23,360 Speaker 1: I think you'll like this story. So the wicked mouse 22 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,720 Speaker 1: first came along a few years ago when my oldest 23 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:28,200 Speaker 1: was a preschooler and first learning not to draw on 24 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:32,720 Speaker 1: the walls. But one day crayon just appeared on the wall. However, 25 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:35,720 Speaker 1: my son assured me that he did not do it. It 26 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:38,520 Speaker 1: was a wicked mouse. Ever since then, the wicked mouse 27 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:42,120 Speaker 1: has gotten up to all sorts of mischief. Sometimes wicked 28 00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:45,039 Speaker 1: mouse leaves rubbish on the table. Sometimes wicked mouse pulls 29 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:46,959 Speaker 1: books off the bookshelf and leaves them on the floor. 30 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:49,320 Speaker 1: The wicked mouse has been known to unroll all the 31 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:53,520 Speaker 1: toilet paper pretty much whenever there is an overwhelming amount 32 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:57,120 Speaker 1: of chaos or mess, it was probably the wicked mouse 33 00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:00,200 Speaker 1: who contributed to it. A few months ago go, the 34 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:02,160 Speaker 1: wicked mouse got up to mischief for the first time 35 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:04,760 Speaker 1: in a while. I'd gone upstairs to where my five 36 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,480 Speaker 1: year old was quietly playing. And now his age silence 37 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,880 Speaker 1: isn't always a sign of getting up to no good, thankfully, 38 00:02:10,639 --> 00:02:13,240 Speaker 1: but on this occasion, I discovered that there was orange 39 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:17,800 Speaker 1: crayon on every imaginable surface in the bathroom. I'm talking 40 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:21,520 Speaker 1: orange squiggles on the tiles, the shower glass, the toilet lid, 41 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:25,160 Speaker 1: around the edges of the bath, on the drawers, on 42 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:29,280 Speaker 1: the plug, even the toilet brush. Pretty Much nothing in 43 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:32,919 Speaker 1: the bathroom was untouched. It was as though an experiment 44 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:35,880 Speaker 1: had been done to see which surfaces a crayon would 45 00:02:35,919 --> 00:02:39,960 Speaker 1: work on. Unfortunately, the answer was it works on all 46 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:43,600 Speaker 1: of them. Interestingly, the orange crayon had even been used 47 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,880 Speaker 1: to leave a message on the tiled bathroom floor, five 48 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:54,239 Speaker 1: letters spelling out l U C A S, my five 49 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:58,120 Speaker 1: year old's name. There were really only two possibilities to 50 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:01,160 Speaker 1: what had happened. My five year old had gone and 51 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,799 Speaker 1: created with a crayon, or the wicked mouse was trying 52 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:07,120 Speaker 1: to frame him. Now, I probably don't really need to 53 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:10,600 Speaker 1: say this, but the wicked mouse doesn't exist. And it's 54 00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:12,519 Speaker 1: not that my son was lying when he first blamed 55 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:16,200 Speaker 1: war drawings on a wicked mouse. Young children, especially preschoolers, 56 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,400 Speaker 1: don't really lie, at least not in the way we 57 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,840 Speaker 1: might do as adults. They just tell us what they 58 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:24,000 Speaker 1: wish the truth was, so my son, when blaming the 59 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,240 Speaker 1: wicked mouse, was really saying that he wishes that someone 60 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,880 Speaker 1: else had drawn on the wall because he already knew 61 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:32,520 Speaker 1: that he shouldn't have done that. I could call him 62 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:35,440 Speaker 1: out as a liar. I could shame and blame him. 63 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,320 Speaker 1: I could punish him for what he had done so 64 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:41,560 Speaker 1: that he'd learn his lesson. But instead of blaming and shaming, 65 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:44,720 Speaker 1: I had a different tactic. I called my son upstairs, 66 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:48,560 Speaker 1: and this is what happened. I said, hey, you wouldn't 67 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:50,800 Speaker 1: believe what the wicked mouse has done. Come up here 68 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:53,440 Speaker 1: and look with me. The wicked mouse draw all over 69 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:56,320 Speaker 1: the floor. What a cheeky mouse. What are we going 70 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,200 Speaker 1: to do? Can you help me clean it up? And 71 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:03,240 Speaker 1: he said, okay, I can help. So I passed him 72 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,680 Speaker 1: a scrubber, and together we got to work. We spent 73 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,400 Speaker 1: the next thirty minutes identifying every spot that had been 74 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:11,360 Speaker 1: drawn on, and for mysterious reasons, my son seemed to 75 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:13,240 Speaker 1: have a very good idea about where the wicked maths 76 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:16,240 Speaker 1: had scribbled. He personally scrubbed out at least half of 77 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:19,560 Speaker 1: the drawings, diligently, working with me until every spot of 78 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:23,320 Speaker 1: orange was gone. Now would he have been so helpful 79 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,960 Speaker 1: if I had blamed him? Probably not. He might have 80 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:29,720 Speaker 1: felt so ashamed that he would have hidden his feelings 81 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:33,440 Speaker 1: behind defensiveness and anger. Instead, I probably wouldn't have been 82 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:36,240 Speaker 1: able to engage his cooperation at all. But you might 83 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:39,440 Speaker 1: be thinking he shouldn't have gotten away with it. The 84 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,200 Speaker 1: thing is, he didn't get away with anything at all. 85 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:45,159 Speaker 1: The consequence was exactly the same. He still needed to 86 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,880 Speaker 1: help clean up. But by not blaming him first, he 87 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:51,040 Speaker 1: learned some really important lessons. He learned that we can 88 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:54,680 Speaker 1: find solutions without finding someone to blame first. He learned 89 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,560 Speaker 1: that we can be part of the solution even if 90 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,159 Speaker 1: we're part of the problem. He learned that we don't 91 00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:01,279 Speaker 1: need to make others feel when something has gone wrong. 92 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,400 Speaker 1: And he learned that we can focus on problem solving. 93 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:09,280 Speaker 1: We can teach our children without blaming them. They can 94 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:11,840 Speaker 1: learn to be responsible for their actions without being shamed 95 00:05:11,839 --> 00:05:16,560 Speaker 1: for them. I think every family of young, destructively curious 96 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,120 Speaker 1: kids would benefit from having a guest come and stay. 97 00:05:19,839 --> 00:05:22,440 Speaker 1: It might be a wicked mouse, a cheeky frog, or 98 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,400 Speaker 1: a silly pigeon, just something to remind us that we 99 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:29,240 Speaker 1: can fix the problem without finding someone to blame first. Now. 100 00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:31,440 Speaker 1: I first shared this story on substack a few weeks 101 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,800 Speaker 1: ago as a follow up to the original story. I 102 00:05:33,839 --> 00:05:35,880 Speaker 1: want to share that since the sudden reappearance of the 103 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:38,440 Speaker 1: wicked mouse, my boys have been trying to catch it 104 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:42,119 Speaker 1: to no avail. They've set up traps, made poisoned stew 105 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,760 Speaker 1: in the mud kitchen, and in general made a whole 106 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,800 Speaker 1: lot of mess trying to catch the wicked mouse. But 107 00:05:47,839 --> 00:05:50,159 Speaker 1: at least they're taking responsibility for the chaos, so I 108 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,719 Speaker 1: guess that's a good thing. Anyway. I hope you enjoyed 109 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,600 Speaker 1: this story, and if you want to hear more, find 110 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:58,080 Speaker 1: me at Bechdalahoy dot substack dot com or on Instagram 111 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:01,880 Speaker 1: at Bechdalahoy. Thank so much, Justin, and back to you. 112 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:05,440 Speaker 2: I hope you really enjoyed Beck's ideas. You can read 113 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:10,720 Speaker 2: more from Beck Delahoy at Bechdelahoy dot substack dot com. 114 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,000 Speaker 2: I've been a really big supporter and fan of what 115 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,200 Speaker 2: she's been writing. I think she's doing great work and 116 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:18,840 Speaker 2: her voice is valuable. Beck's back again tomorrow on the 117 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:20,000 Speaker 2: Happy Families podcast.