Speaker 1: This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land. Hi guys, and
Speaker 1: welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura,
Speaker 1: I'm Brittany, and this is ask gun Cut where we
Speaker 1: answer you're deep, you're dark, and you're burning questions and
Speaker 1: britt I have a question for you today. So you
Speaker 1: guys might have seen if you listen to Tuesday's episode.
Speaker 1: I don't know how we arrived there, but we were
Speaker 1: talking about people that were hot or things.
Speaker 2: How we arrived.
Speaker 3: They just told you I met my hall pass and
Speaker 3: you met him.
Speaker 4: You're say, did he waved at me Keisha, He made
Speaker 4: eye conduct and then bloomy kiss and said, britt I'll
Speaker 4: call you later.
Speaker 3: He was on the floor above us, waving to the
Speaker 3: entire crowd, and Brittany's like, it was me, he was
Speaker 3: making eye contact with you.
Speaker 1: To be fair, he might have he did. He looked
Speaker 1: down and like this, what was his name again?
Speaker 3: Jonathan Bailey? Don't ever forget.
Speaker 2: Yes, sorry, Jonathan Bailey.
Speaker 1: BRIT's hall pass and one of them, and somehow we
Speaker 1: got onto like unexpected hall passes. It wasn't even I
Speaker 1: don't even think it was a natural segue. It wasn't
Speaker 1: actually unexpected hall passes. We just started talking about Big
Speaker 1: Bird and then Barney came up.
Speaker 4: Don't include us in this. I can tell you how
Speaker 4: the conversation went. I said, is it okay that my
Speaker 4: hall pass is gay Jonathan Bailey? And you said, fuck brute,
Speaker 4: your hall pass could be Barney for all I care.
Speaker 2: That was how it wasn't.
Speaker 3: It wasn't an organic segue. You just threw it in
Speaker 3: my face.
Speaker 1: Well, we put it up on socials yesterday and some
Speaker 1: people got it. They also could see how Barney could
Speaker 1: be a vibe, strong jawline.
Speaker 4: I get how inanimate or fake people like characters can
Speaker 4: be hot.
Speaker 3: I get that, but Barney's not.
Speaker 2: It could be hot.
Speaker 3: You take Barney, then I'm taking Aladdin.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 1: That was what I was going to ask because it
Speaker 1: kind of kicked off yesterday and a few people messaged
Speaker 1: me and were like, hey, this would be my character
Speaker 1: hall pass if I was going to go for a cartoon.
Speaker 2: Aladdin is very very high up.
Speaker 3: There, or you know who my other one would be?
Speaker 3: Who Hercules wouldn't be mad about it, bit dumb, but
Speaker 3: you wouldn't kick him out of bed? N a ninja turtle?
Speaker 2: Nah?
Speaker 3: Which one a Leonardo. Maybe you reckon Blue, he's ripped.
Speaker 2: They're all they're fun, That's what I mean. They're fine.
Speaker 3: Say the rat, you can have sense.
Speaker 2: Coin vibe.
Speaker 3: There are so there are some super.
Speaker 1: Hot character John I just pointed out a really important
Speaker 1: flaw in this.
Speaker 2: They're teenagers.
Speaker 3: Oh oh, that got weird. Not even only weird because
Speaker 3: they're turtle. Because the title is teenage. Yeah yeah, alright,
Speaker 3: Bonnie Bla, they wouldn't be teenagers anymore. Actually, that's a
Speaker 3: good point.
Speaker 4: Teenagers are still eighteen and nineteen, I think, which is
Speaker 4: of legal age.
Speaker 2: This is true. This is true.
Speaker 1: I had a couple of other ones. I just wanted
Speaker 1: to rattle off Tarzan hot.
Speaker 3: D dumb.
Speaker 1: But it's okay, he can't. It can't help that he's dumb.
Speaker 1: He hasn't been around people. He's been out there with
Speaker 1: the wolves. Also, the fox who plays Robin Hood. We've
Speaker 1: seen that one, that guy, the Fox.
Speaker 4: No, okay, it's just weird to me that the animal
Speaker 4: angles weird, Like at least I went with Aladdin.
Speaker 3: He was a human. You've got this real affinity to
Speaker 3: these animals. Well, they're very personified. It's been a trend
Speaker 3: on TikTok. It's called the hear me Out. The idea
Speaker 3: behind it is hear me out. But this character is hot,
Speaker 3: and people have been listing the people that they find attractive.
Speaker 3: My biggest problem is that, like a lot of the
Speaker 3: TikTok audience are jen z right, and so they're talking
Speaker 3: about movies or Disney shows and whatever that I have
Speaker 3: no idea who they're talking about, because there's that gap
Speaker 3: in the generations where I haven't seen a lot of
Speaker 3: the cartoons for the past, but I don't know decade.
Speaker 1: Well, hence why you come to life on cart and
Speaker 1: we're doing a TikTok trend two weeks later. But also
Speaker 1: hear me out, I've got two more Eric the Prince
Speaker 1: from Little Mermaid Hot.
Speaker 2: Would you would?
Speaker 4: It's concerning to me how into this you are because
Speaker 4: I watched so many kids cartoons and get off on
Speaker 4: so many.
Speaker 2: What like, what is the link? I'm so confused. This
Speaker 2: is true, It's true. I'm a faster, very good vibe. Yeah,
Speaker 2: back to the animal thing. Okay, that's it. That's a lot.
Speaker 3: Back to the other thing.
Speaker 2: You're welcome, guys, and you can all think about it yourselves.
Speaker 1: Just take a little mental note, who's that animated character
Speaker 1: that you find hot?
Speaker 3: I don't find it strange that you find the human
Speaker 3: like the personified versions of cartoons attractive. I do find
Speaker 3: it somewhat strange when they're very animalistic, like Barney really.
Speaker 2: Threw me for six.
Speaker 3: When you said big Bird, I was like bird like,
Speaker 3: I think more Kentucky Fried Chicken when I think about
Speaker 3: big Bird, rather than like, oh yeah, I could date
Speaker 3: big Bird.
Speaker 2: I would like to be clear.
Speaker 1: I didn't think big Bird was hot, just Martie, why
Speaker 1: did you throw him in.
Speaker 2: There against Big Bird? I thought, did big Bird?
Speaker 3: Do you? I thought it could be your hall past?
Speaker 3: And we've talked about this.
Speaker 2: For too long now, so I didn't want to talk about.
Speaker 3: It at all. To be honest, I'm like, why are
Speaker 3: we still here? I have a question for you guys,
Speaker 3: And I guess this is kind of like my own
Speaker 3: ask gun cut in some way. And it was basical
Speaker 3: of a situation that happened the other night when we
Speaker 3: went out for dinner, and it's a place that we've
Speaker 3: been to before. You know how, they often will print
Speaker 3: out the receipt that your bill right, and they'll bring
Speaker 3: it to your table and and a couple of minutes
Speaker 3: later someone will walk around with either an FBus machine
Speaker 3: or an iPad. This one was an iPad for me
Speaker 3: to pay, and as I went to pay for it,
Speaker 3: I noticed that it was roughly I'm trying to do
Speaker 3: the math in my head, it was about fifteen percent
Speaker 3: more than what the printed out bill had said. And
Speaker 3: in my head I was like, oh, maybe it must
Speaker 3: have like a service charge, you know, or is it
Speaker 3: a public holiday, you know. I didn't really understand why,
Speaker 3: And as I was tapping my phone onto the screen,
Speaker 3: I realized that they had automatically selected on their own
Speaker 3: iPad for me to tip. And if that's here, if
Speaker 3: I had wanted to not tip, I would have had
Speaker 3: to select a different button. So it had already kind
Speaker 3: of they had already assumed that I would be tipping,
Speaker 3: and they had put the amountain for me to just
Speaker 3: directly pay.
Speaker 2: Good way to get the tips?
Speaker 3: Though, do you think that's really unethical? I thought it
Speaker 3: was really sneaky, and it made me feel a little
Speaker 3: bit uncomfortable. To be honest, we do preach a lot
Speaker 3: about know your worth. Maybe they know they were maybe
Speaker 3: like I'm worth a temperside like this bitch was pain
Speaker 3: the ass to deal with it is awkward, Like I
Speaker 3: always feel awkward when they hand you the iPad and
Speaker 3: they're looking. Sometimes they'll look away and give you the
Speaker 3: respect of like you put your payment details in, you
Speaker 3: put your tip, and I won't do anything. Sometimes they
Speaker 3: stand over your shoulder and they watch as you're picking
Speaker 3: the tip. You're really uncomfortable when they're standing next to
Speaker 3: me because I feel as though it's this like implied
Speaker 3: if you don't do it, you're a really bad person.
Speaker 3: And sometimes like the price of going out for dinner
Speaker 3: right now is really expensive, and I don't want to
Speaker 3: come across as a real tied ass. And I have
Speaker 3: no problem tipping if I've had really nice service or
Speaker 3: if it's like a special event. This was like a
Speaker 3: chill dinner down the road from somewhere that we order
Speaker 3: from all the time. It was an exceptional service. It
Speaker 3: was absolutely fine. It was absolutely average, five out of ten,
Speaker 3: nothing to complain about. I got exactly what I expected
Speaker 3: out of that situation. I feel a little bit strange
Speaker 3: about the fact that in Australia, where we're not a
Speaker 3: tipping culture, it's becoming that you're not a very good
Speaker 3: person if you select no tip, And I felt really
Speaker 3: awkward about it being automatically assumed that that was what
Speaker 3: I was supposed to do.
Speaker 2: No, it's not.
Speaker 3: I don't think it's implied that you're a bad person.
Speaker 4: But I would go against that and say, we are
Speaker 4: a tipping culture, but it's not expected. It's like you
Speaker 4: have to tip in the USA, you have to, you
Speaker 4: don't have to do it in Australia. But we are
Speaker 4: very largely tipping culture.
Speaker 3: Still, do you just think yeah.
Speaker 1: The difference is though, is that our salary is not
Speaker 1: based on a tipping salary. So the reason why it's
Speaker 1: more compulsory in the States is because their wages are
Speaker 1: subsidized to buy the tip income that they would make.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they do.
Speaker 3: They get four dollars fifteen hour and then they make
Speaker 3: their money on tip totally, which is absolutely not the
Speaker 3: case in Australia. And I think it depends on what
Speaker 3: the services that you're being provided, Like you're paying for
Speaker 3: exceptional service, did you get ten percent more from that service?
Speaker 1: And also I think it's different if the restaurant. For example,
Speaker 1: some restaurants have a cheaper price for takeaway versus their
Speaker 1: price that they have for the items which you eat
Speaker 1: in store. And I think I know the restaurant that
Speaker 1: you're talking about, Keisha, and their prices on their items
Speaker 1: if you eat in store already slightly more expensive, so
Speaker 1: they've already marked up their tip in that. So then
Speaker 1: to put the tip on and expect that you're going
Speaker 1: to pay for a tip is a mandatory to eat there.
Speaker 2: That to me just feels cheeky.
Speaker 3: I thought it was a bit tcheeky too, And.
Speaker 2: No one wants to feel like a tight ask to
Speaker 2: go back and be like no.
Speaker 3: Tip for you, Yeah, while they're watching to well, this
Speaker 3: was not a fancy, this is not an event.
Speaker 2: I think it depends on the restaurant.
Speaker 1: I mean I do tip, I don't tip it like
Speaker 1: you know, if it's a fifty dollar meal and I'm
Speaker 1: talking like you know, take away that we decided to
Speaker 1: just eat there, there's hardly any service. You get your
Speaker 1: own water, like, I'm not tipping for that because there's
Speaker 1: been no service. But if it's a nice sit down
Speaker 1: meal where someone's actually come spent the time to bring
Speaker 1: my photo to me and brought me a napkin and
Speaker 1: all that sort of stuff, like absolutely I'll tip, but
Speaker 1: I think it depends on what the situation is. You're
Speaker 1: not tipping for the person who put an ice cream
Speaker 1: into your ice cream cone.
Speaker 2: You're not tipping for the person who made your coffee.
Speaker 1: So why are you tipping for something that feels like
Speaker 1: a takeaway but you just sat at a tableause.
Speaker 3: Coffee in Australia's like ten dollars a coup I've also
Speaker 3: just realized the thing that confuses me the most. You know,
Speaker 3: the QR codes where you order yourself. I love a
Speaker 3: QR code because it means that you can have a
Speaker 3: scroll through, there's no pressure on you to make you
Speaker 3: know the time of which it's really easy to split
Speaker 3: the bills. But when you get to the end and
Speaker 3: they're like do you want to tip, I'm like, for
Speaker 3: what I ordered myself, I think it's more myself.
Speaker 2: You should be tipping me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, But the good thing with that is at least
Speaker 1: you pay for it as you go, so like no
Speaker 1: one's watching you say no tip to that. That's the problem.
Speaker 1: It's not about whether you should or shouldn't tip. The
Speaker 1: option is there. It's when the iPad is brought over
Speaker 1: and it's the expectation that they stand there for you.
Speaker 3: To do it in their presence. That's the difference.
Speaker 2: And I think, like, yeah, thank god for the QR
Speaker 2: code system.
Speaker 3: All about that. Okay, So I guess what I'm saying
Speaker 3: is that my unsubscribed for the week is assumed tips
Speaker 3: on an FBOs machine when you haven't actually told the
Speaker 3: person that you want to tip themscribed.
Speaker 1: What are your vibes of the week, assume tipping? Okay,
Speaker 1: well my vibe this week. Look, it's coming into Christmas
Speaker 1: at the moment. And before I say this, if you're
Speaker 1: a mom and a dad, or if you have little
Speaker 1: kids around you at the moment, please skip ahead right now,
Speaker 1: right now. I don't want to spoil Christmas for any children,
Speaker 1: and I will not be responsible for that. So, like
Speaker 1: I said, if there are children anywhere within your vicinity
Speaker 1: who might listen to this, run to the stop button
Speaker 1: and stop it.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 3: Do you reckon that there's many kids listening to Life
Speaker 3: on Cut? We do swear a lot.
Speaker 2: We do.
Speaker 1: But I think there could be a couple of mums
Speaker 1: who are like playing it while they're cleaning the house,
Speaker 1: or might have kids ambiently around them. Okay, so I
Speaker 1: feel like I've given you enough buffer and enough warning.
Speaker 1: Now my vibe for this week is a company called
Speaker 1: the mail Room Coat. Now it is a small business.
Speaker 1: What they specialize in is personalized letters from Santa Claus.
Speaker 1: I'm on the website now. They're fifty four dollars ninety nine,
Speaker 1: so fifty five dollars each. And what you can do
Speaker 1: is you can go on and you can personalize a
Speaker 1: message from Santa. But it is so much more special
Speaker 1: than that, because the packaging that these come in looks
Speaker 1: identical to what you would expect something that came from
Speaker 1: the North Pole to look like. They have the most
Speaker 1: incredible little stamps on them. They're all calligraphy, handwritten. They
Speaker 1: have like a little wax emblem on the back. And
Speaker 1: the thought and the care that has gone into creating
Speaker 1: these little customized and personalized letters from Santa are amazing.
Speaker 1: And when I got the one, which especially with the
Speaker 1: one that was written for Maley because she's starting school
Speaker 1: next year, it made me cry. It was so beautifully
Speaker 1: done and I cannot wait to give to the girls.
Speaker 2: If you're a parent, like I.
Speaker 1: Said, I think that it is such a beautiful idea
Speaker 1: and the fact that it has been created by a
Speaker 1: female led small business, like get behind it.
Speaker 4: I didn't realize, and I'd be interested to know from
Speaker 4: other parents, but I didn't realize how young some kids
Speaker 4: were changing their mind I still, even though you've put
Speaker 4: the warning and I'm trying to still be a bit
Speaker 4: diplomatic here, how young kids were when they're changing their
Speaker 4: minds about their idea of Santa. I was listening to
Speaker 4: Vogan Joanne on my therapist Ghost to Me, and Vogue
Speaker 4: was saying something about her little boy and how he
Speaker 4: mentioned something the other day about how he doesn't believe anymore,
Speaker 4: and I think he's like five years old, and she
Speaker 4: was really shocked, and she talked about the way she
Speaker 4: handled it, and she's like, well, don't you ruin that
Speaker 4: for me because I still want my presence. Don't you
Speaker 4: say that out loud, like she was trying.
Speaker 3: To lean in, and but I was really shocked at
Speaker 3: I was like, is that that age?
Speaker 2: It's happening now, like five years old. I would have
Speaker 2: been that age.
Speaker 3: But I think it's because I had an older brother
Speaker 3: who's ruined it for me.
Speaker 1: Now that's really sad for me, because, like I remember,
Speaker 1: I mean Marley's five, and she absolutely believes wholeheartedly. And
Speaker 1: for me, it's really interesting the things that she does
Speaker 1: believe in and the things that she doesn't. So like
Speaker 1: Santa Claus and the Truth fairy and all that, there
Speaker 1: is no question she believes in those things absolutely. But
Speaker 1: like monsters, no, they're not real, you know, Like she
Speaker 1: she picks and chooses the things that are fantasy. Unicorns, yeah,
Speaker 1: unicorns are real, just haven't seen one yet. Like she
Speaker 1: still has this really beautiful imagination around the things that
Speaker 1: she believes in. But I vividly remember the time that
Speaker 1: I was told the alternate and I'm still also being
Speaker 1: careful about it. My cousins and my sister one day
Speaker 1: were like, guess what, And I remember how much it
Speaker 1: ruined it for me.
Speaker 2: I was devastated when I found out.
Speaker 3: Devastated. I don't remember the age. I don't know the moment.
Speaker 3: There wasn't a moment.
Speaker 4: I think it was like a slow burn for me,
Speaker 4: and I probably faked it a few years, like to
Speaker 4: get more from my parents.
Speaker 1: Nah, mine was like an instant moment of revelation. Also,
Speaker 1: maybe Santa Claus is hot, Okay, continue.
Speaker 3: Santa Claus is seventy. Oh, I get it overweight. If
Speaker 3: you're language gifts, Daddy vibe, you're cooked, Father Christmas, you
Speaker 3: are actually so cooked.
Speaker 4: I thought you would have preferred Rudolph to be honest
Speaker 4: with the Animal team.
Speaker 2: All right, what is your vibe as a leader? Okay?
Speaker 4: So my vibe is a vibe that I have sort
Speaker 4: of vibed multiple times before, and I say that it's
Speaker 4: the same, same but different. You guys might remember the
Speaker 4: podcast I have vibed a few times. It's called The Trial.
Speaker 3: Lucy let Be was a big one that I vibed.
Speaker 3: She was the nurse that is now one of the
Speaker 3: biggest serial killers in the UK. So what it is
Speaker 3: is the series is the trial, but they keep focusing
Speaker 3: on different cases, and the one at the moment that
Speaker 3: I am deep in is the trial of Ditty. So
Speaker 3: it's a look at what is happening currently to whatever
Speaker 3: you want to call him, Puff Daddy, p Diddy, Diddy,
Speaker 3: Sean Combs, whatever. So it's a journalistic look into what
Speaker 3: is happening. And so they always go into the trial
Speaker 3: as it's happening, and then they come straight back out
Speaker 3: and they put a pod cast out that day with
Speaker 3: this one with Diddy because the trial hasn't officially started yet,
Speaker 3: but he is in prison. They're doing a lot of
Speaker 3: different interviews about people that were in his life and
Speaker 3: just doing at the moment, they're sort of talking about
Speaker 3: things that happened, what it looked like the lens we
Speaker 3: have now, but they were interviewing people that you know,
Speaker 3: he personally hired to go to his parties.
Speaker 1: The story is so horrifying and there are so many
Speaker 1: complexities to it that there's been a couple of times
Speaker 1: where we've discussed whether or not we would unpack it
Speaker 1: on the pod. But I think the fact that it
Speaker 1: is an ongoing case, and the fact that there is
Speaker 1: so much to it and so much backstory and so
Speaker 1: many people's stories that intertwine into it, I would worry
Speaker 1: that we wouldn't do it justice or wouldn't be able
Speaker 1: to report on it correctly because it's a constantly moving case.
Speaker 1: I will absolutely listen to this because, like I said,
Speaker 1: I find it fascinating but horrifying at the same time.
Speaker 1: And I think anyone who's been reading into some of
Speaker 1: the details around p Diddy, the details around to haunt
Speaker 1: you like it is absolutely petrifying what went on.
Speaker 3: It's interesting to me that this information is coming out
Speaker 3: now because I've seen like their documentary that's been released.
Speaker 3: It was either on Disney or Prime, I can't remember,
Speaker 3: but I flicked and I thought, Oh, I really want
Speaker 3: to watch that, but it's so new that you've got
Speaker 3: to pay for it. It's interesting to me that they're
Speaker 3: able to make content around this because the trial hasn't
Speaker 3: happened yet. And I'm not saying that to delegitimize any
Speaker 3: of it whatsoever. I absolutely believe the people who are
Speaker 3: coming out with these stories. It's only interesting to me
Speaker 3: that if they come out in the media, are they
Speaker 3: then able to use it in court because of the
Speaker 3: whole like fair trial situation, you know how they're like,
Speaker 3: you can't influence a story that's going on in court
Speaker 3: by public perception and whatnot.
Speaker 1: It also shows the incredibly blurred lines now between entertainment
Speaker 1: and also like real crime. And I think that our
Speaker 1: insatiable appetite for wanting to know things as it's happening,
Speaker 1: like access to the courtroom, access to the trial, We've
Speaker 1: had it in the past, and so it's become the
Speaker 1: expectation now with these really massive, high profile cases.
Speaker 4: It also has things like and I guess you don't
Speaker 4: know the credibility right, Like it is a journalist. It's
Speaker 4: supposed to be as factual as possible, but they have
Speaker 4: sources come out that know his treatment on the inside
Speaker 4: at the moment, the way he's been treated in prison,
Speaker 4: that he's getting slightly longer showers and he's getting extra time.
Speaker 3: And things like that.
Speaker 2: So it's called the trial.
Speaker 4: Literally anywhere you get your podcasts and you just go
Speaker 4: through each season is about a different person.
Speaker 2: Interesting.
Speaker 3: Well, my vibe of this week, to be completely honest,
Speaker 3: if it wasn't getting high on our own supply, it
Speaker 3: would have been the interview that you did with Elizabeth
Speaker 3: Gilbert yesterday. So we released that episode yesterday. It is
Speaker 3: one of my favorite episodes of Life Uncut. Ever, it
Speaker 3: was one of my favorite interviews too. I just got
Speaker 3: so much out of it. She speaks about relationships and
Speaker 3: love and grief in a way I have never ever
Speaker 3: heard articulated. She speaks about being singleless and we kind
Speaker 3: of rephrased this and we put it as single needs
Speaker 3: a rebrand. But she speaks about this thing called emotionally
Speaker 3: autonomous and how she feels so content in her life
Speaker 3: now being on her own and doing things in the
Speaker 3: way that she wants to do them because they bring
Speaker 3: her joy, not because she's throwing herself entirely into a relationship.
Speaker 3: And how she's been able to be a much better
Speaker 3: writer and produce a lot more content because she's not
Speaker 3: wasting a lot of this energy pursuing relationships in the.
Speaker 2: Way that she used to.
Speaker 1: For anyoney doesn't know who Elizabeth Gilbert is. She's the
Speaker 1: author of Eat, Prey, Love, so she is a hugely
Speaker 1: prolific author.
Speaker 3: She has had many number one best sellers.
Speaker 1: But also she speaks about aging and I think as
Speaker 1: a woman this idea of like losing your looks, losing
Speaker 1: your value in society, but how there's actually benefits and
Speaker 1: positives to that as well.
Speaker 3: She was remarkable. She was one of my favorite interviews
Speaker 3: we've ever done. Well. My actual vibe for the week
Speaker 3: is for any of the either oily scalped girls or
Speaker 3: girls who are sick of having to wash their hair
Speaker 3: every day. Now bear with me because it's not the
Speaker 3: cheapest product I've ever recommended.
Speaker 2: It is called.
Speaker 3: Christoph Robin Cleansing purifying scrub with sea salt. Now it's
Speaker 3: two hundred and fifty mills and it's seventy two dollars.
Speaker 3: But I had one of these jars for an entire
Speaker 3: year and I used it once a week. So the
Speaker 3: way it works, you get literally a tablespoon.
Speaker 2: That's all you need.
Speaker 3: It is the most emulsifying product I have ever used,
Speaker 3: and you just pop it into your scalp exactly how
Speaker 3: you do a shampoo, and you lather it up and
Speaker 3: you leave it for a couple of minutes. So whether
Speaker 3: you want to do that while you're like scrubbing the
Speaker 3: rest of your body or maybe shaving your legs or
Speaker 3: like whatever you do in the shower, I don't know.
Speaker 3: You can take a couple of minutes to let it
Speaker 3: kind of sit in there and you rinse it out,
Speaker 3: you condition as normal. You will need to wash your
Speaker 3: hair half as much. I don't know what is in
Speaker 3: this magic. It is not like any other scalp scrub
Speaker 3: I have used. It has something in it that just
Speaker 3: works ten times more. So Yeah, I have been absolutely
Speaker 3: loving this product. As I said, I've used it for
Speaker 3: over a year now. I really took my time with
Speaker 3: recommending it because I know it's not like the cheapest
Speaker 3: thing available, and it has made me need to wash
Speaker 3: my hair twice a week maximum, sometimes a little bit less.
Speaker 4: Oh, I can't do that, I think because I go
Speaker 4: to the gym every day. I sweat my hair sweats
Speaker 4: so much.
Speaker 3: You have to try this because I can sauna in
Speaker 3: between and it's still okay. It got rid of all
Speaker 3: of my dandriff. I don't know how it works. It's
Speaker 3: got magic inside of it. Right. Although you saw scrubbers,
Speaker 3: scalp scrubbers, it is called the Christoph Robin Cleansing purifying
Speaker 3: scrub It's available at Mecca at Adore Beauty. I think
Speaker 3: you can get it from its own website as well.
Speaker 3: And we will put all of the links to our
Speaker 3: vibes on our website and they're also in our show notes. Okay,
Speaker 3: let's get into the questions. Question number one.
Speaker 4: My ex husband left me and after four years of IVF,
Speaker 4: we have embryos in storage. We have one beautiful little
Speaker 4: IVF baby girl who is my entire world. But I
Speaker 4: would love to make her a big sister one day too.
Speaker 4: He has so easily just said, hey, let's just donate
Speaker 4: the spare embryos. I am mortified by how easily he
Speaker 4: has suggested this, and absolutely am not interested in donating.
Speaker 3: I want them. They are my babies.
Speaker 4: I walked through the toughest times of my life undergoing IVF,
Speaker 4: and on my eighth transfer, I got my beautiful girl.
Speaker 4: I'm thirty three, and I don't know if I should
Speaker 4: freeze my eggs now and then get a sperm donor
Speaker 4: or wait until I might meet someone PSA.
Speaker 3: I will continue to pay.
Speaker 4: For storage for my embryo babies, as I love them too.
Speaker 4: I also didn't see our marriage being something that would end,
Speaker 4: but he clearly fell out of love with me and
Speaker 4: left me ten months postpartum. Gosh, oh my god, that
Speaker 4: is so hard, so hard, and I'm so sorry that
Speaker 4: you're going through this. There's no clear cut answer here,
Speaker 4: but the one clear cut thing is, unfortunately, to use embryos,
Speaker 4: you need to have both parties say that it's okay.
Speaker 4: You need to have consent from both parties, even if
Speaker 4: the embryos have been made. So Ben and I have embryos,
Speaker 4: and we both have to say yes when it's time
Speaker 4: to actually implant them or donate them or.
Speaker 2: Whatever it is.
Speaker 4: It has to be consensual from both parties, So this
Speaker 4: is obviously the issue here is is you don't agree
Speaker 4: on what you should do. It sounds like the only
Speaker 4: thing that he is going to agree on is that
Speaker 4: he doesn't want from the sound that he doesn't want
Speaker 4: you to use them.
Speaker 3: I have a question for you, Britt, it's very personal.
Speaker 1: Did you and Ben have a big conversation prior around
Speaker 1: all of the options like if you break up, what
Speaker 1: happens to those embryos? If you stay together but you
Speaker 1: have more than the amount of children you want to have,
Speaker 1: what do you do with them? Did you have that
Speaker 1: conversation before you froze embryos?
Speaker 2: Yeah, we did.
Speaker 4: We did have that conversation, and we went so far
Speaker 4: as to talk about if one of us dies, what happens,
Speaker 4: because that's a whole nother question if someone unexpectedly dies.
Speaker 2: I feel like if someone dies, like go for gold,
Speaker 2: I'm not here to stop you.
Speaker 3: Well, no more.
Speaker 4: You still have to have that written down legally, so
Speaker 4: you have everyone has to have that discussion, and you
Speaker 4: have to have said what you want because there's no oh,
Speaker 4: well he's passed away, Like I think that's why Eldie
Speaker 4: pull In when we spoke to her. It was so
Speaker 4: difficult for her to do what she did. And in
Speaker 4: case you don't know that, Eldie's partner, Chumpy passed away
Speaker 4: really suddenly in a shallow water blackout, and within like
Speaker 4: twenty four hours they had retrieved sperm from him to use.
Speaker 3: But that was very difficult because they had to go
Speaker 3: to his family really quickly, get all this consent, get
Speaker 3: lawyers involved, within like a twenty four hour period. It's
Speaker 3: not easy.
Speaker 2: So talk to me about what you guys decided.
Speaker 3: Well, we decided.
Speaker 4: I said that if I passed away, for example, I said,
Speaker 4: Ben can still have them if he wants. If he
Speaker 4: wants to go and have that baby like with a surrogate,
Speaker 4: that's fine. But I didn't let him use my eggs
Speaker 4: because I have eggs and embryos, so I don't want
Speaker 4: him to go and just go for gold after I'm gone.
Speaker 3: I just said, look, we already have babies, you can
Speaker 3: use them. I also said that I would.
Speaker 4: Donate them to my sister, because you can put people
Speaker 4: that you want to donate down. But we didn't pick
Speaker 4: a certain option if we split, other than we both
Speaker 4: have to agree, so you don't have to write down
Speaker 4: that they'll be disposed or that they'll be donated, But
Speaker 4: we both did agree that we would happily donate them
Speaker 4: if we both agreed we don't want them and we're separating,
Speaker 4: I said, I'm happy for someone else to use our
Speaker 4: baby because because if I can help someone else in
Speaker 4: their life, but I don't want to know the person
Speaker 4: that was my issue, So I don't want to watch
Speaker 4: my baby grow up in the next suburb. That was
Speaker 4: just a personal decision for me. But if I can
Speaker 4: give someone else that live, then I said, yeah, Also.
Speaker 3: Don't doesn't just mean donation to a separate family who
Speaker 3: may want to use them. You can also choose to
Speaker 3: donate them to medical research. Yes, so embryonic cells their
Speaker 3: stem cells, right, so you can, through different processes turn
Speaker 3: them into different types of cells that you may want
Speaker 3: to use to study. And so a lot of people,
Speaker 3: instead of having their embryos destroyed, they can choose to
Speaker 3: put them down a medical research route as well. Comes
Speaker 3: up with a lot of ethical questions. A lot of
Speaker 3: people feel uncomfortable about that because of the emotional connection
Speaker 3: that they have to the embryos.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, this is such a hard one and I feel
Speaker 1: so genuinely fortunate that I've never had to walk this path.
Speaker 1: So I don't want to give people advice, and I
Speaker 1: don't really want to tell people the impression that I
Speaker 1: have all the way in which I would navigate this,
Speaker 1: because I've simply never been in that situation. And what
Speaker 1: a privilege that is. I think though, and this is
Speaker 1: not answering this questions. It's more so to people who
Speaker 1: are considering this for the future. I really think that
Speaker 1: you have to have the conversations first about what it
Speaker 1: is that you would do and agree on it. And
Speaker 1: I think even in your situation, Britt, it's kind of
Speaker 1: tricky because I know that you kind of say, okay,
Speaker 1: well, well if we break up, we're going to come to
Speaker 1: an agreement. We can't do anything unless we both agree.
Speaker 1: But then what if you find yourself in a situation
Speaker 1: where you simply cannot agree, which is exactly what's happened
Speaker 1: to this couple. And it's almost like going into marriage
Speaker 1: and talking about, Okay, well, how are we going to
Speaker 1: navigate things if we separate? It's another one of those
Speaker 1: big decisions that you have to make in life.
Speaker 3: Well, the thing is here, And I say this from experience.
Speaker 4: I understand how she's feeling because, and like you just said, Kisha,
Speaker 4: it's easy to say, yes, you can donate them to research,
Speaker 4: but I never thought, I don't even know how to
Speaker 4: explain it.
Speaker 3: I never thought I would have.
Speaker 4: An attachment to an embryo, right because I've always been
Speaker 4: pro abortion, and I always thought if I was in
Speaker 4: a position that I fell pregnant and needed to have
Speaker 4: an abortion, I always thought I could easily do that.
Speaker 3: I've never been in that position. I'm very lucky.
Speaker 4: Then when I had these embryos, and you guys might remember,
Speaker 4: but when I did my first round and I only
Speaker 4: got the one, and then it was not viable with life,
Speaker 4: and I had to I don't even know what they
Speaker 4: call it, destroy it.
Speaker 3: I don't know the term, but you have to destroy it.
Speaker 3: There was this real sadness that I felt because I
Speaker 3: was like, it's actually my baby now, Ben and I
Speaker 3: have created that, and I know that that would turn
Speaker 3: into our child. And it was this really weird feeling of.
Speaker 4: It's so it's a cell, it's so small, it's not
Speaker 4: But then there was this attachment that I had to it.
Speaker 2: Well it's the start of it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, so well, it is the child right, it's made.
Speaker 3: It's just that it's still at that cellular's tiny level.
Speaker 3: But I understand why you have said you're happy to
Speaker 3: keep paying for your storage because you don't want to
Speaker 3: make the decision where you're saying they're gone. I'm going
Speaker 3: to either destroy them or donate them.
Speaker 4: Unfortunately for you, hear all you can do, and this
Speaker 4: is what my suggestion would be if if you know
Speaker 4: you don't want to donate them to someone else, you
Speaker 4: don't have to.
Speaker 3: You can't use them unless your husband says too. So
Speaker 3: I think your best option here is if you've said
Speaker 3: you're happy to keep paying for storage, you can only
Speaker 3: pay for it for I think it's ten years. So
Speaker 3: if you want to hold onto those and keep paying
Speaker 3: for the storage and see what happens over the next
Speaker 3: ten years, that's what I would suggest you do. You
Speaker 3: don't really have that many other.
Speaker 4: Options because you both need to agree, So your only
Speaker 4: option now is to hold onto it and hope that
Speaker 4: maybe he changes his mind, or maybe you feel a
Speaker 4: little bit differently about what you want.
Speaker 3: To do with them. But I really feel for you,
Speaker 3: I really do.
Speaker 1: It feels like such a futile situation if this occurs
Speaker 1: like this position, because paying for storage is not cheap,
Speaker 1: so you're then throwing money away for within one decade
Speaker 1: to be told that you have to make a decision regardless,
Speaker 1: So you are essentially just kicking that decision down the track.
Speaker 1: And you're not only kicking the decision down the track,
Speaker 1: you're throwing money away by doing that as well. And
Speaker 1: that doesn't seem like a responsible decision. It feels like
Speaker 1: you're almost offsetting a big and hard decision that you
Speaker 1: have to make because you don't want to make it now.
Speaker 1: And I would guess that if you and your husband
Speaker 1: have separated and he's made it clear that he doesn't
Speaker 1: want you to use those embryos, I don't think he's
Speaker 1: going to change his mind. Maybe in this very very
Speaker 1: clear situation, And to respond to this person's question, sit
Speaker 1: down and have a really honest conversation with your ex
Speaker 1: husband around this, around how hard this is for you,
Speaker 1: whether or not there is an option for you to
Speaker 1: use them, And if he's very clear and black and
Speaker 1: white on it, then I think it would make more
Speaker 1: sense to make that decision now rather than trying to
Speaker 1: make it in ten years time when it's taken away
Speaker 1: from you anyway.
Speaker 3: But also you did ask one other question here. You said,
Speaker 3: I'm thirty three.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I should freeze my eggs and
Speaker 1: get a sperm doner or just wait and see if
Speaker 1: I meet someone. I think if people have the opportunity
Speaker 1: to and they have the access to the funds, because
Speaker 1: it's obviously not cheap, it's always a great idea to
Speaker 1: consider whether or not you want to freeze your eggs
Speaker 1: because it gives you, it gives you more options down
Speaker 1: the track potentially. So if you want to do that
Speaker 1: now as a thirty three year old, freeze your eggs
Speaker 1: just in case, it might give you a sense of like, okay,
Speaker 1: there's more time to make decisions in that sense, rather
Speaker 1: than holding onto these embryos that you have to make
Speaker 1: a decision about at some point. I think egg freezing
Speaker 1: could be a really good option to give you peace
Speaker 1: of mind.
Speaker 3: Remember when this has still been going on until recently,
Speaker 3: Soara from Modern Family, her and her ex husband, you
Speaker 3: guys might know his name is Nick Loeb, but they
Speaker 3: have been in an open court battle for years about
Speaker 3: their embryos because they split, so they had embryos, they split,
Speaker 3: Sophia doesn't want them, and her ex does.
Speaker 4: It is such a hard discussion because he's saying they're
Speaker 4: still my children, like I still want them to live,
Speaker 4: and she's saying, yeah, but they're mine too, and I don't.
Speaker 4: I can't imagine that feeling when two people feel so
Speaker 4: passionately about their unborn child. But ultimately she will always win,
Speaker 4: Like ultimately two people have to say, so they just won't.
Speaker 4: They won't ever be created. But this was like a
Speaker 4: three year court battle.
Speaker 3: I want to be careful with using the words like
Speaker 3: unborn child because for a lot of people, they are
Speaker 3: just a collection of cells and they are a potential
Speaker 3: of hope. I think that it can get very ethically
Speaker 3: ambiguous when we're talking about comparing frozen embryos and a
Speaker 3: collection of what eight cells to a child. But for
Speaker 3: the person who's written this question in I think the
Speaker 3: reason that this is even more complex for you is
Speaker 3: because you do have an IVF baby, so you do
Speaker 3: have the result of one of those embryos being transferred,
Speaker 3: and so for her, I think there's a lot of
Speaker 3: an emotional connection to them because there's a possibility that
Speaker 3: you could have that love again, you know, and that's
Speaker 3: maybe why you're finding it so hard to let go of.
Speaker 1: And I do think that that's really important only from
Speaker 1: the perspective of like, and I talk about this as
Speaker 1: someone who has had an abortion. I don't conflate my
Speaker 1: abortion as being the same as the children that I've had.
Speaker 1: And there will be people who disagree with this. There
Speaker 1: will be people who there will be absolutely, but I
Speaker 1: do think that there is a point as to which
Speaker 1: that changes. And like, you know, obviously everybody has different
Speaker 1: feelings around this, but it's very hard to be pro
Speaker 1: choice and also sit on the fence of being like,
Speaker 1: at every single stage of conception that is a baby.
Speaker 1: I think that there is like, yeah, it's a really
Speaker 1: ethically hard question to unpack.
Speaker 2: It's because it's.
Speaker 4: It's also linked to whatever your current situation is, Like,
Speaker 4: this feels different because it wasn't easy for you. You did
Speaker 4: eight rounds to get your one child, and you know
Speaker 4: that your hope exactly like you said, Laurie, your hope
Speaker 4: and your chance remains in that freezer. And I think
Speaker 4: that's going back to Sophia and her husband, that's probably
Speaker 4: exactly the same feeling he might very well feel like
Speaker 4: that could be his only chance. He might also very
Speaker 4: well feel like that is his link to stay connected
Speaker 4: to his ex, that is his link to money from
Speaker 4: his ex.
Speaker 3: You do not know the situation, and it.
Speaker 2: Is so murky.
Speaker 3: But yeah, like I just said, there's no other option.
Speaker 4: Here for you to do it other than continue to
Speaker 4: pay storage and have those conversations with your ex husband.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Far, it's such a big ethical decision, isn't it okay?
Speaker 1: Question number two. I have been invited to spend Christmas
Speaker 1: with my partner's family interstate. We are in our mid
Speaker 1: twenties and we've dated for almost six years. My family
Speaker 1: has been disapproving and are very disappointed when I told
Speaker 1: them about not having Christmas at home, and they've tried
Speaker 1: to guilt trip me out of accepting the invite. However,
Speaker 1: I really want to go. How do I approach the
Speaker 1: topic again with them? And is it wrong to spend
Speaker 1: one Christmas away from your family?
Speaker 2: Oh, it's not. No, it's fine. Tell your family to
Speaker 2: suck it up.
Speaker 4: No, it is fine, But it's also laden with guilt
Speaker 4: on both parts.
Speaker 3: And I felt that I'm thirty seven and I'm going
Speaker 3: away for Christmas.
Speaker 4: This year, and I still feel guilty because it's such
Speaker 4: a special time for a lot of families. I totally
Speaker 4: understand it. It doesn't sound like you feel guilty, it's
Speaker 4: just your family that's making you feel guilty. What I
Speaker 4: usually do because I have spent a few Christmases away,
Speaker 4: now I try and make that time up either side.
Speaker 4: So for this Christmas, in a few weeks, I'm going
Speaker 4: up and we're having a family Christmas before Christmas, so
Speaker 4: like we all get together, we do a Chris Kringle,
Speaker 4: you know, a couple of weeks before. I think it's
Speaker 4: the first weekend of December, and then I'll go away
Speaker 4: for Christmas.
Speaker 3: And it's a part of growing up. Unfortunately, you can't
Speaker 3: spend every Christmas for the rest of your life with
Speaker 3: your family. Maybe you can, and you're very lucky, but
Speaker 3: at the end of the day, there's usually two families
Speaker 3: involved when you're married or in a relationship, and you
Speaker 3: need to sort of share your time.
Speaker 4: I think for a lot of parents, I can only
Speaker 4: imagine it's a really heart wrenching milestone absolutely to see
Speaker 4: that your kids have gotten to the point where they
Speaker 4: don't need you anymore, and.
Speaker 3: That even makes me emotional. You can tell I got
Speaker 3: my period today. I've cried three times. Fuck, like I'm
Speaker 3: crying of a Christmas. What's wrong with me? What's actually
Speaker 3: wrong with me?
Speaker 2: I feel like I want to spend Christmas.
Speaker 3: Because I love my family. I want to spend but yeah,
Speaker 3: it's like it's a time for your parents. Like I think,
Speaker 3: give your parents a bit of grace, because yeah, that's exactly.
Speaker 2: What I was gonna say. Thinking about when the time
Speaker 2: comes when Marley and Lola one year say, oh hey, mom,
Speaker 2: I've good boyfriend and I don't want to spend Christmas
Speaker 2: with you, I want to spend it with their family.
Speaker 3: Or chain them to the bed. Obviously.
Speaker 1: Well yeah, maybe not exactly, but that will be really
Speaker 1: hard because it's a it's a letting go of what
Speaker 1: has been your family's tradition. It's a letting go of
Speaker 1: what was your nuclear family, like the family that you
Speaker 1: spend all of your time with, and just realizing that
Speaker 1: actually you're not a little girl anymore. Then you're gonna
Speaker 1: be spending that time with another family.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 1: I think it's really really important that either you guys
Speaker 1: do alternating Christmases, so like this year you might spend
Speaker 1: it with his family. Next year, you both spend Christmas
Speaker 1: Day with your family. That works really well in some households,
Speaker 1: or even as you said, like spending time before or after. However,
Speaker 1: I do think that sometimes Christmas Day can become a
Speaker 1: real sticking point. And if you're always the family that's
Speaker 1: sacrificing Christmas Day because the other family has something bigger,
Speaker 1: or more interesting or whatever else going on, I think
Speaker 1: that that's when you know it can become a real
Speaker 1: source spot in a family. Yeah, I really look at this,
Speaker 1: and I think that this is just such a huge
Speaker 1: transitional part of your life and for your parents' life
Speaker 1: as well. And you can even have a really honest
Speaker 1: adult conversation with your mum, who is the one who's
Speaker 1: making you feel guilty, and say, Mum, I know this
Speaker 1: is really really hard, and I love you and I
Speaker 1: love spending Christmas with you and with our family. But
Speaker 1: you'll also have to know that I've now been with
Speaker 1: my partner for six years and this is just a
Speaker 1: part of the fact that I'm also an adult now
Speaker 1: and we have to kind of negotiate eight different families.
Speaker 1: I wonder how she would respond to that, because you know,
Speaker 1: I think even though you're in your twenties, sometimes we
Speaker 1: sometimes when we're back with our family, we instantly act
Speaker 1: younger like, we instantly act like the child instead of
Speaker 1: like having the conversations that are like quite adult conversations
Speaker 1: with our parents.
Speaker 2: God, I don't do you do?
Speaker 3: I think it depends. I think I'm such an adult
Speaker 3: in my family.
Speaker 1: I feel like my parents are children your child. No,
Speaker 1: But I mean, I just understand why it's upsetting, and
Speaker 1: I mean to maybe put myself back in that place.
Speaker 1: When I was in my twenties, I remember I spent
Speaker 1: a lot of Christmases with my ex boyfriend's family, and
Speaker 1: I don't think I ever appreciated how hard that might
Speaker 1: have been for my family. I knew it caused a
Speaker 1: bit of a bit of tension, but I was kind
Speaker 1: of like, get over it whatever, I get to make
Speaker 1: my own decisions. But now I look back at it,
Speaker 1: and I go, oh, of course that would.
Speaker 2: Have been hurtful.
Speaker 1: Yeah, especially because he's a fuck with Yeah, I know, right,
Speaker 1: and I'm not even with him anymore exactly.
Speaker 4: I think the big thing here to say to your
Speaker 4: parents too, is is just to lean into the fact
Speaker 4: that you have been with him for six years and
Speaker 4: this is your first Christmas away, So either your partner
Speaker 4: has been spending them with your family or you and
Speaker 4: your partner have been spending them apart.
Speaker 3: They're the two options for the last six years. That's
Speaker 3: a long time. So I think you can just say
Speaker 3: that to you, to you mum and.
Speaker 4: Dad too, and also just make sure you like do
Speaker 4: it like the compliment sandwich, so you're like you, guys know,
Speaker 4: this isn't easy, Like I want to be here this Christmas.
Speaker 3: I'm going to have to go and spend it with him.
Speaker 3: But doesn't mean I love you any less.
Speaker 1: That was a really good compliment, sandwich. I don't love
Speaker 1: you any less, but sick present. But their roasted ham
Speaker 1: is nicer than yours. Yeah, sorry, Go where the food
Speaker 1: is better. That's my advice.
Speaker 2: No the present, Go where the presence is. I'm superficial.
Speaker 3: I'm a food person over a present person. I'm a location.
Speaker 3: Go where the location is better.
Speaker 4: That's tricky is one like on the beach, and one
Speaker 4: is you know, like i'd be thinking that through.
Speaker 3: Just one have a pool. It's hold on Christmas in Australia.
Speaker 1: Okay, all right, Next question, Question number three, and I
Speaker 1: have a sexy one for you.
Speaker 3: Well, actually it's kind of un sexy.
Speaker 1: So I've been in a relationship with this guy for
Speaker 1: six months and everything is great. He is a wonderful,
Speaker 1: wonderful guy, and I really think that we share a
Speaker 1: very similar sense of humor. Maybe he could be my penguin. However,
Speaker 1: there is one glaring problem.
Speaker 2: The sex is not good. Now.
Speaker 1: He's kind of more of the jackhammer kind of guy,
Speaker 1: where he really seems to only be interested in pleasing himself. Now,
Speaker 1: I have done all the things that you would normally recommend,
Speaker 1: we have had the conversations. I have tried to softly
Speaker 1: guide him to do the things in a way that
Speaker 1: I like it. The problem is he does it for
Speaker 1: about a week and then goes back to the jackhammering lovely.
Speaker 2: How do I navigate this?
Speaker 1: And how important is sex in having a great relationship?
Speaker 4: I mean, how long is a piece of string? That's
Speaker 4: the question here? Is sex important to you in your relationship?
Speaker 4: Because some people don't care much for sex. Some people
Speaker 4: are happy to live a life where they love everything
Speaker 4: else about their partner and the sex is mediocre.
Speaker 1: However, some people don't care much about sex. But I
Speaker 1: think even the people who don't care much about sex
Speaker 1: still care about bad sex. Like if the sex is
Speaker 1: not good, even if it's infrequent, it's not good. But
Speaker 1: are you thinking about the Radish?
Speaker 2: I'm thinking about a woman from Harry Potter. Her name
Speaker 2: is just blanked my mind when she depends.
Speaker 3: I s good because if it's good sex, I'd check
Speaker 3: the sex.
Speaker 2: But if it's bad sex, I'd rather have a Radish
Speaker 2: Miririam marghlei'sah.
Speaker 3: It, but it's okay. How bad is the sex? Is
Speaker 3: it just okay sex and not great? Or is it
Speaker 3: like I can't stand this and it's uncomfortable and it hurts.
Speaker 4: And how important is sex to you? There are the
Speaker 4: two questions you really need to ask yourself. For me,
Speaker 4: I think sex is important. I wouldn't want to have
Speaker 4: sex that I hated or I thought was pretty mediocre
Speaker 4: and the rest of your life, the rest of your life,
Speaker 4: and you're also only six months in.
Speaker 3: I just think we all need to harden up a
Speaker 3: little bit. I truly believe this.
Speaker 4: I know you've tried the soft guiding, and you've tried
Speaker 4: to sit down and talk. I think next time he
Speaker 4: does it, tell him to stop, just say stop. That
Speaker 4: is so uncomfortable for me. I'm really not enjoying that.
Speaker 4: Let's try something else, just like I think we just
Speaker 4: need to take a little bit of ownership. He'll probably
Speaker 4: be relieved at someone taking a little bit of control.
Speaker 4: But if he knew that you hated it enough to
Speaker 4: write into a podcast to be like, fucking sos, it's
Speaker 4: so bad, he'd be mortified.
Speaker 1: Well, I don't I don't know if I agree, because
Speaker 1: the thing is is you've had the conversation and you
Speaker 1: said that he would then correct it for a week.
Speaker 1: He pays attention to your needs. He then tries to
Speaker 1: get you off, and then that goes out the window
Speaker 1: when he goes back to the thing that pleasures him.
Speaker 1: I kind of think he's not taking it that seriously,
Speaker 1: Like it's like, oh, she asked me to clean up
Speaker 1: the house, so I did it for a week of done,
Speaker 1: job done.
Speaker 2: It's like he seems to be prioritizing his way of
Speaker 2: pleasure over your way of pleasure, and maybe that's how
Speaker 2: he gets off, is like he needs it to be like.
Speaker 4: But that's why I don't think No, that's yes, a
Speaker 4: lot of people do get off like that a lot
Speaker 4: of men get off like that. But that's that's why
Speaker 4: I think maybe she hasn't been hard enough.
Speaker 3: If you've had that conversation once before, I can guarantee
Speaker 3: you a soft conversation, Like.
Speaker 4: No one goes in hard on the first convo. Everyone
Speaker 4: tries to beat around.
Speaker 3: The bush or be like, let's try this, or I
Speaker 3: think sometimes you need to cut the bullshit, especially when
Speaker 3: you say you've tried other things. I think we just
Speaker 3: need to be more forward and be okay with saying
Speaker 3: what we want.
Speaker 1: What would you do if you were in a relationship
Speaker 1: with someone and the way that they got off was
Speaker 1: something that you didn't enjoy.
Speaker 2: So, for example, let's say you don't like deep throating,
Speaker 2: and the only way that they were able to come was, sorry,
Speaker 2: this is very graphic, but I'm just go with me,
Speaker 2: was by deep throating, And so there was a very
Speaker 2: obvious mismatch in the way in which the two of
Speaker 2: you feel pleasure.
Speaker 3: I'd call bullshit. There's not one way to get off.
Speaker 4: There's no one in the world that's like I can
Speaker 4: only get off by holding your head or my Dirk like.
Speaker 3: He's just full of it.
Speaker 2: He's been watching too much poor ways.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and there's always other ways to figure out what
Speaker 4: would work for both of you, and that's what you
Speaker 4: guys need to do. Like the jackhammer doesn't work for you,
Speaker 4: maybe you on top doesn't work for him, so let's
Speaker 4: try something else that will get you both there. Or
Speaker 4: maybe he's got to get your first and then you
Speaker 4: let him drag hammer for a minute. I don't know, Like,
Speaker 4: I don't know what the answer is, but it's not
Speaker 4: to lay there in silence, Like the answer is definitely
Speaker 4: to have a more harsh conversation he's I always think
Speaker 4: of it this way. That conversation will be uncomfortable, but
Speaker 4: what is worse is them thinking they're doing a good
Speaker 4: job and you hating it to the point that you
Speaker 4: are talking to other people about it. Like that is
Speaker 4: a conversation that can be fixed in your relationship.
Speaker 1: And also, I think the problem with these types of
Speaker 1: things is the longer you leave it, the harder it is.
Speaker 1: So if you've been having sex a certain way for
Speaker 1: a year, that's way harder to correct than if the
Speaker 1: sex isn't great in the first month. You know, Steve, totally,
Speaker 1: it's not impossible to correct. And I don't want anyone
Speaker 1: to think that, like, you can't have a better sex
Speaker 1: life no matter where you are in your relationship. But
Speaker 1: I think it hits different when you're like, hey, that
Speaker 1: thing you've been doing for the last six years, I
Speaker 1: haven't actually enjoyed it, and I'm only now being truthful
Speaker 1: about it, And you need to hit different and you
Speaker 1: need to need to get different exactly. So maybe it
Speaker 1: needs to be a bit more pointed in terms of
Speaker 1: like not just describing what it is that you want,
Speaker 1: but a bit more pointed in like, hey, we had
Speaker 1: this conversation. It was really great for me for a week,
Speaker 1: and then it feels like you stopped caring about the
Speaker 1: things that pleasure me and get me off and just
Speaker 1: went back to what was priority for you. And I
Speaker 1: don't know, I kind of you said that he's a
Speaker 1: really amazing guy, and he's really funny, and you share
Speaker 1: all these other great similarities, and like, you know, he
Speaker 1: kind of levels up in all the other ways and
Speaker 1: things that you want in a relationship. But I also
Speaker 1: don't think that we should be settling for someone who
Speaker 1: only levels up in a certain amount of categories, you know.
Speaker 1: I mean, I think if sex is important to you,
Speaker 1: it's important to you, and it has to also be
Speaker 1: something that is fulfilling for you. But I don't think
Speaker 1: that you have to discard the relationship because he's not
Speaker 1: able to get you there right now. I think that
Speaker 1: there are many more conversations that need to be had.
Speaker 1: And if you do have it more directly and he
Speaker 1: does turn around and in another week's time just does
Speaker 1: the same thing, then I would be going, Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: is my pleasure a priority for him? And is this
Speaker 1: something that I'm going to be okay with for the
Speaker 1: rest of my life potentially or the rest of this relationship.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you'll also start to build a lot of resentment
Speaker 4: and potentially get to the point of no return.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're not gonna want to have sex with him,
Speaker 2: That's what I mean.
Speaker 4: It's gonna get to the point where you get the
Speaker 4: ick because your every single feeling that you have is
Speaker 4: a direct response to that action. So every time you
Speaker 4: have sex, you're gonna develop a feeling of like, I
Speaker 4: don't want to do this, I'm not gonna get off,
Speaker 4: I don't like this, I'm not enjoying it.
Speaker 3: You're not gonna want to do it anymore. Then that's
Speaker 3: gonna build resentment.
Speaker 4: Then you're gonna have an argument, and it's all so
Speaker 4: avoidable at the end of the day. Also, just say
Speaker 4: to him, I'm never gonna come like this.
Speaker 1: Have you ever been in a relationship where the guy
Speaker 1: was great but the sex wasn't and it never got better?
Speaker 2: Keisha's not, No, I haven't.
Speaker 3: I haven't, but that's because I didn't really date.
Speaker 2: I wasn't in a lot of relationships.
Speaker 4: I have dated people where the sex has not been compatible,
Speaker 4: but I've had those conversations early and we've figured out
Speaker 4: what works for both of us. It's only not compatible
Speaker 4: because we liked different exactly this exact conversations.
Speaker 3: I have had this exact conversation. What was your experience, Cash,
Speaker 3: I've had the experience where like, it's fine, but it's
Speaker 3: definitely not good. It reduced my desire, you know, it
Speaker 3: reduced my kind of capacity to want to have sex
Speaker 3: all the time. And I think that whether that had
Speaker 3: an impact on how successful the relationship was probably, like, realistically,
Speaker 3: if you don't have that much desire for them to
Speaker 3: be intimate, it probably does reduce the longevity of how
Speaker 3: long you can be together. But I think it depended
Speaker 3: on the period of life that I was in and
Speaker 3: how much kind of stability I wanted in my life.
Speaker 3: I suppose, because I think often you can have really
Speaker 3: lustrous sex and like that really animalistic type where you
Speaker 3: maybe can actually be more confident with saying what you
Speaker 3: like because you don't really care if you offend the
Speaker 3: other person. I think for this person's question, it's it's
Speaker 3: hard because the six month mark is kind of where
Speaker 3: things start to get a little bit more serious, and
Speaker 3: if you leave it too much longer, it's really awkward
Speaker 3: to bring up. But you can't necessarily bring up at
Speaker 3: the start at risk of them getting so offended that
Speaker 3: they're like, well, I don't want to keep dating you,
Speaker 3: and I think I didn't. I mean, I can be
Speaker 3: a little bit conflicted verse and I didn't really say much.
Speaker 3: I would maybe guide and say what I actually know.
Speaker 3: Maybe this is my advice, keep repeating what you like,
Speaker 3: because if you repeat it enough and they're still not
Speaker 3: picking up on it, then that kind of gives you
Speaker 3: an indication as to who they're going to be in
Speaker 3: other aspects of life as well, and whether they want
Speaker 3: your perspective and whether they're keen to pleasure you.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but I don't they're past that. You pass the
Speaker 4: point of just being sex and being like stop there.
Speaker 3: I like that, but I like that bit like.
Speaker 4: And also one thing you said their keish that I
Speaker 4: want to make a note on is like you said,
Speaker 4: you're conflict avoidant.
Speaker 3: This shouldn't be a conflict. This is not a conflict.
Speaker 4: This is just a set And I think we sometimes
Speaker 4: put it on ourselves when we build up the anxiety
Speaker 4: and that we're nervous and we feel like we're going
Speaker 4: to offend someone. And when you bring that energy, it
Speaker 4: makes it sometimes makes this situation something that it's not.
Speaker 3: Have you ever had someone say to you, I don't
Speaker 3: like that, stop doing that when you're like being in
Speaker 3: to meet with them. Well, no, because most guys just do.
Speaker 4: Most guys don't have the same issue as women, right,
Speaker 4: Like most guys it's easier.
Speaker 3: We all know it is easier to pleasure a man
Speaker 3: than it is to a woman. That's a fact, is it.
Speaker 1: Okay, Maybe it's nitpicking, but maybe it's not conflict avoidance.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's people pleasing because you know.
Speaker 3: It makes sense.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Like, maybe it's not this.
Speaker 1: Feeling of like I don't I want to avoid conflict
Speaker 1: because obviously it's not going to end in a row, like,
Speaker 1: no one's gonna get angry about it, but it does
Speaker 1: sort of like, really, I think if you're someone who
Speaker 1: is a people pleaser, who doesn't want to tell someone
Speaker 1: that they're doing a bad job because you don't want
Speaker 1: to disappoint them or hurt their feelings.
Speaker 3: You want to keep everything pleasant. It makes it really.
Speaker 1: Hard to tell someone that you're not enjoying what they're
Speaker 1: doing that is supposed to be pleasurable to you. The
Speaker 1: only reason why I think that this situation is different
Speaker 1: is because you have said it, and he did it,
Speaker 1: and now he's choosing not to do it again. So
Speaker 1: he knows he's just either a little bit lazy in
Speaker 1: the bedroom or he prioritizes himself. And so I think,
Speaker 1: be careful with how much you have to remind someone
Speaker 1: of the things that you like. You know, we have
Speaker 1: this conversation about everything else in our lives, right Like,
Speaker 1: if you've got to constantly tell your partner that they've
Speaker 1: got to clean up after themselves, that's gonna get really
Speaker 1: annoying real quick. If you're constantly having to tell your
Speaker 1: partner that they have to be softer or go down
Speaker 1: on you for a bit, or like be gentle or
Speaker 1: whatever it is in the bedroom that's gonna get really
Speaker 1: fucking annoying after a while.
Speaker 4: What I'd recommend every single person does right now if
Speaker 4: you're listening to this is go and have this exact
Speaker 4: conversation with your partner tonight. Literally say, hey, I was
Speaker 4: listening to Life Uncut today. If I was uncomfortable with
Speaker 4: something you did in bed, would you or someone your partner,
Speaker 4: would you want me to tell you?
Speaker 3: Or would you like, how would you want that conversation
Speaker 3: to go?
Speaker 4: Because I have these conversations with Ben all the time
Speaker 4: about these ask guncuts, like I ask his opinion, I'm
Speaker 4: going to one hundred percent tonight, ask him this question
Speaker 4: and say, if I was unhappy with someone with you
Speaker 4: in bed, would you want me to do it differently?
Speaker 2: I have one more question to add to that.
Speaker 1: And because sometimes it's hard to bring up sex questions
Speaker 1: with your partner because you're like, when is the right time.
Speaker 1: Here is your litmus to go forth and ask whatever
Speaker 1: it is you want. Today I was listening to Life
Speaker 1: Uncut and they said to go and ask your partner,
Speaker 1: what is the one thing that you would like to
Speaker 1: do in the bedroom that you're not doing. So like
Speaker 1: open that conversation up. Ask your partners, like, what is
Speaker 1: the one thing that you would like me to do
Speaker 1: that I'm not doing or that you.
Speaker 3: Would like to try that we haven't tried yet.
Speaker 1: And if you put it on us, it makes it
Speaker 1: way easier for you to say it to them because
Speaker 1: it's like, Hey, I'm just doing my Life on Cut homework.
Speaker 1: I'm not just coming to you with like my random
Speaker 1: request about wanting to use a vibrator on this or that.
Speaker 1: Like it will give you the opportunity to open it
Speaker 1: up without it feeling like it's on you, not about
Speaker 1: just how you want to be pleasured, but like but
Speaker 1: like bringing something new into the bedroom.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you guys thought you came to Life Uncut for
Speaker 3: just an easy listening experience, but now you have homework
Speaker 3: to do and you must report back.
Speaker 4: But I think a lot of you will find and
Speaker 4: we'll go put some polls on Life on Cut. I
Speaker 4: think a lot of you will find your partner's answer
Speaker 4: is going to be like, yes, please tell me if
Speaker 4: I'm doing something you don't like, of course I want
Speaker 4: to know and I think that that'll take away that
Speaker 4: stigma attached all the nervousness that you have, and then
Speaker 4: you can.
Speaker 3: Be like, thank fuck because I hate when you do this.
Speaker 1: Well, that is it from us. Everybody some down and
Speaker 1: actually I was gonna say down dirty questions.
Speaker 2: Actually none of them were down and dirty, but you
Speaker 2: know we did our best.
Speaker 1: If you have a question for usk from ask on Cut,
Speaker 1: you can slide into the DMS. You can also send
Speaker 1: us an email with your question and we will do
Speaker 1: our absolute best to answer the next week. Send us
Speaker 1: spicy ones, send us your big life dilemmas.
Speaker 3: We want to hear it all.
Speaker 4: Don't forget tea mum tea, doat tey dot tea friends
Speaker 4: and share the love because we love love