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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just

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Speaker 2: once answers. Now, when it comes to building resilient kids,

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Speaker 2: control is the most unhelpful thing we can do.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 2: Gooday, this is doctor Justin Colson. I'm here with my

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Speaker 2: wife Kylie.

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Speaker 1: I'm the founder of.

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Speaker 2: Happy Families dot com dot a you, and I've written

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Speaker 2: six books about how to have happy families, how to

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Speaker 2: raise happy kids, and Kylie and I are the parents

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Speaker 2: of six children.

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Speaker 3: We love getting your feedback. Email us at podcasts that's

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Speaker 3: with an ass podcast at happyfamilies dot com dot you

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Speaker 3: and let us know how you're enjoying the podcast, or,

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Speaker 3: better yet, jump onto your podcast app and leave us

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Speaker 3: a rating and review.

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Speaker 1: It takes about sixty seconds.

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Speaker 2: All you've got to do is click on our podcast

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Speaker 2: title and then it says leave a rating and review.

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Speaker 2: You click the five stars and then you write something brief.

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Speaker 3: Karishma Dunn just gave us a five star review and

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Speaker 3: she said, the go to parenting podcast. I have listened

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Speaker 3: to several podcasts and this one has replaced most of them. Practical, realistic,

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Speaker 3: and down to Earth has become a weekly discussion topic

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Speaker 3: for my husband and I. The books and webinars are

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Speaker 3: a great resource as well.

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Speaker 2: Well.

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Speaker 1: That's awesome. Thanks so much, Karrishman Dunn.

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Speaker 2: We really appreciate your five star rating and review of

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Speaker 2: the podcast. It's those ratings and reviews that help other

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Speaker 2: people to find out about the podcast to make their families.

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Speaker 1: Happier as well.

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Speaker 2: Today we're talking about so do I sound like I'm

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Speaker 2: out of breath just a little bit? A couple of

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Speaker 2: weeks ago, we had this thing happen where we were

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Speaker 2: in the middle of recording our podcast and the bin

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Speaker 2: truck went past and missus Happy Families mentioned that the

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Speaker 2: kids hadn't taken the bins out, which is their job.

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Speaker 2: It's one simple responsibility take the bins to the bottom

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Speaker 2: of the driveway for the bin truck that.

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Speaker 1: They walk down.

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Speaker 3: They walked down the driver school.

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Speaker 2: And I've just dashed back into the office after running

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Speaker 2: about six hundred meters down the streets to the corner

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Speaker 2: for the second time in about a month.

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Speaker 1: Were you barefoot again?

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Speaker 2: I was barefoot again, and I'm just catching my breath.

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Speaker 2: But we've got to do this because book Club is

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Speaker 2: happening tomorrow tomorrow night, and I'm going to stop talking

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Speaker 2: so I can catch my breath and you can tell

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Speaker 2: everyone what's happening with Oh, why are we doing book club?

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Speaker 1: Why are we talking about book club? Do all that

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Speaker 1: while I recover?

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Speaker 3: So as part of the Happy Families membership, one of

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Speaker 3: the things that we offer to our members is book club.

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Speaker 3: This is opportunity where you get to have me in

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Speaker 3: your launde room instead of the expert and just have

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Speaker 3: a chat about the things that you've written about.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so everything in book club comes from my Well.

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Speaker 2: At the moment, we're working through Nine Ways to a

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Speaker 2: Resilient Child, which was my third book, and we go

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Speaker 2: through a different book each school term.

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Speaker 1: So Nine Ways to a Resilient Child.

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Speaker 2: Tomorrow night our final conversation about what's in this book

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Speaker 2: and how to raise independent, thinking, resilient children. What's in

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Speaker 2: store for our Happy Families members. And by the way,

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Speaker 2: you can get information about the membership at Happy Families

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Speaker 2: dot com dot A.

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Speaker 1: You had to put that.

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Speaker 2: Plug in that what's in store for our book club

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Speaker 2: members tomorrow night.

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Speaker 3: So tomorrow night we're actually doing the final three chapters.

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Speaker 3: It's going to be a little bit of a squeeze,

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Speaker 3: but we're going to try and attempt it. And today

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Speaker 3: we're just going to talk about two of those chapters.

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Speaker 3: We're talking about autonomy supportive parenting and strength based parenting.

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Speaker 2: Okay, well, let's unpack them one at a time when

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Speaker 2: it comes to autonomy supportive parenting and what that actually means.

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Speaker 2: You know what I reckon The best example of it

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Speaker 2: is you know that gold cast video on Facebook that

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Speaker 2: went kind of viral for me a few years ago.

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Speaker 2: I think we got like something like seventy eight million

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Speaker 2: views on that. Does that count as kind of viral?

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Speaker 3: Kind of yeah?

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Speaker 1: Okay, so we got about seventy eight million views.

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Speaker 2: If you haven't seen it or heard it, let me

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Speaker 2: play it for you now, because this really explains what

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Speaker 2: autonomy supportive parenting actually is.

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Speaker 1: As you've just.

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Speaker 2: Heard, my wife and I are the parents of six children.

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Speaker 2: If you look closely at the screen, you'll also note

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Speaker 2: something interesting about my family, and that is that my

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Speaker 2: six children are all daughters. But this is Chanel with

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Speaker 2: a couple of her friends in our kitchen, goofing off.

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Speaker 2: And Chanell's just turned seventeen. I was driving to work

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Speaker 2: with her, and I could tell as she drove that

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Speaker 2: she was not happy. It might have been the way

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Speaker 2: that she read through the six years on her way

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Speaker 2: to top speed in the sixti zone, and she just

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Speaker 2: wasn't happy. And I commented, I said, sheel, you seem

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Speaker 2: like you're unhappy, and she rolled her eyes and I said,

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Speaker 2: I get a sense that you're unhappy with.

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Speaker 1: Me, and she said, yes, Dad, i am.

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Speaker 2: And I said, I'm so glad that you've told me that.

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Speaker 1: Could you tell me why?

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Speaker 2: She said, well, sure, today I found out that two

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Speaker 2: weeks ago all of my friends had a party and

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Speaker 2: I didn't invite me, and I only just have found

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Speaker 2: out about it today. And when I asked them why

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Speaker 2: they didn't invite me, they said, well, because it was

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Speaker 2: the kind of party that doctor Justin Coulson wouldn't have

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Speaker 2: approved of. And for those of you for whom the

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Speaker 2: penny didn't drop, I'm doctor Justin Coulson. And straight away

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Speaker 2: I felt so bad for her. I thought, oh, my goodness,

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Speaker 2: my parenting is causing my daughter to be ostracized and

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Speaker 2: isolated and to feel horrible and to miss out an

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Speaker 2: opportunity to be with the friends. But do I wanted

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Speaker 2: to have those opportunities. And I looked at her and

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Speaker 2: I said, you know, if they didn't invite you to

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Speaker 2: a party that I wouldn't approve of. It sounds like

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Speaker 2: there probably were a few things going on that are

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Speaker 2: not consistent with our values. Was there alcohol being consumed

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Speaker 2: and potentially misused?

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Speaker 1: She said yes.

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Speaker 2: I said, Were there other drugs being consumed and potentially misused?

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Speaker 1: She said almost certainly.

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Speaker 2: I said, Were people disappearing into rooms for intimate encounters

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Speaker 2: that they may or may not regret the next day?

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Speaker 1: She said possibly.

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Speaker 2: I said, well, I'm really glad you weren't there, And

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Speaker 2: so I said, do we need to revisit the rules?

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Speaker 2: She looked at me, said, Dad, I know why we

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Speaker 2: have the rules. I've been part of the conversations, remember

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Speaker 2: said okay.

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Speaker 1: I said, I want to ask you a tough question.

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Speaker 1: You're nearly an adult.

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Speaker 2: You're a year and a bit off being an adult.

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Speaker 1: Now.

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Speaker 2: I think these are good rules, But do we need

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Speaker 2: to rethink the rules? And then I waited and my

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Speaker 2: heart pound and eventually she said, Dad, I.

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Speaker 1: Don't like the rules.

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Speaker 2: And my heart stopped, and I said, and I started

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Speaker 2: to think of how to respond and as I was thinking,

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Speaker 2: she jumped in and added something else for me.

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Speaker 1: She said, right now, Dad, I don't like the rules

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Speaker 1: one little bit, but they're good rules. I think we

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Speaker 1: should keep them.

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Speaker 2: This is the kind of line that every parent dreams

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Speaker 2: of hearing from their kids. The heavens open and the

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Speaker 2: angels started singing, and I just wanted to hug her.

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Speaker 2: I was saying, yes, if you paid attention to the story,

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Speaker 2: you don't get it by saying, well, damn it, they're

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Speaker 2: good rules, and I expect that you will keep them.

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Speaker 2: That's part of being in this family. That's called control,

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Speaker 2: and that's not how we get to this point. Instead,

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Speaker 2: we get it through this thing called autonomy. Force creates resistance,

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Speaker 2: but great relationships build autonomy, which allows us to leverage trust.

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Speaker 1: Which builds massive influence. Thank you, ah, look at you.

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Speaker 1: You've got a weepy on me. It must be the music.

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Speaker 1: You couldn't have anything to do with the story.

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Speaker 2: So that was a video that went viral for us

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Speaker 2: a couple of years ago on Facebook with the gold

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Speaker 2: Cast page, and like I said, something like seventy nine

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Speaker 2: eighty million people have now viewed that video. Although we

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Speaker 2: know some people who have viewed it multiple times, which

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Speaker 2: is probably you know, I don't know anyone that's watched

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Speaker 2: a million times, but it has gone up a little

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Speaker 2: bit because of multiple viewings by some people. Anyway, Autonomy

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Speaker 2: supportive parenting is a critical part of building resilient kids.

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Speaker 3: One of the little quotes that came out of my

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Speaker 3: reading that really jumped out at me says, to see

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Speaker 3: the world through our children's eyes and investigate their perspective

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Speaker 3: means we slow down, we listen and understand not just

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Speaker 3: in our heads, but in our hearts. And over the

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Speaker 3: last few weeks we've talked a little bit about this

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Speaker 3: change of heart with miss Emily's experiences, and I just

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Speaker 3: really kind of hit me just how important it is

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Speaker 3: that our hearts are in the right place as we're

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Speaker 3: trying to help our children navigate this really challenging time

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Speaker 3: in their lives.

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Speaker 2: You know, when it comes to building resilient kids, control

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Speaker 2: is the most unhelpful thing we can do. We actually

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Speaker 2: have to let our children experience life and try life on.

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Speaker 2: We need to detach ourselves from the outcome and say

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Speaker 2: to our kids, what do you think is going to

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Speaker 2: be the best thing here? If I give you your autonomy.

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Speaker 2: If I stop controlling you, what is going to work best?

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Speaker 2: It's as we support their autonomy with appropriate guidelines when necessary,

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Speaker 2: that they start to figure out who they are. They

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Speaker 2: start to develop a sense of identity, They start to

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Speaker 2: figure out their values and identify whether or not they

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Speaker 2: do or don't want to proceed in a certain direction.

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Speaker 2: Autonomy supportive parenting is the very essence.

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Speaker 1: Of what it is to be able to raise a

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Speaker 1: resilient child.

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Speaker 3: One of the other topics that you actually talk about

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Speaker 3: and touch on in this chapter is this idea of trust,

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Speaker 3: this idea of whether or not as parents we actually

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Speaker 3: trust that our children will make the right decisions. That's

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Speaker 3: a really, really scary place to be as a parent

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Speaker 3: when you just you can see the pitfalls, you can

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Speaker 3: see where things could go wrong and possibly are going

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Speaker 3: to go wrong, and yet we've got to give them

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Speaker 3: the opportunity to spread their wings a little bit and

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Speaker 3: make decisions that they just our hearts are bounding.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and again control becomes the default if we don't

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Speaker 2: trust our children. Trust is how children kind of figure

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Speaker 2: stuff out. And people will say, well, how do you

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Speaker 2: know if you can trust your kids and responses there's

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Speaker 2: only one way.

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Speaker 1: You have to trust them.

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Speaker 2: And parents will say, well, but if I trust them

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Speaker 2: and then they do the wrong thing, then what then?

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Speaker 2: My response is, you sit down and you go through

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Speaker 2: the three e's of effective discipline, You explore what happen,

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Speaker 2: you explain what your expectations are, and then you empower them.

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Speaker 4: You know.

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Speaker 1: Alfie Cohne says this so well.

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Speaker 2: He says, if you want to have responsible kids, you've

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Speaker 2: got to give them responsibility. But as soon as our

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Speaker 2: children fail or shirk responsibility, a lot of parents say, well,

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Speaker 2: that's it, you're not responsible, So I'm taking responsibility away

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Speaker 2: from you, which is counterproductive. We've actually got to give

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Speaker 2: them the trust and give them the responsibility. So obviously

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Speaker 2: we'll go into that a lot more detail in book

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Speaker 2: club tomorrow night. And what's the other topic that we're

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Speaker 2: going to go through in this.

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Speaker 3: Conversation, strength Goose parenting?

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Speaker 1: All right, let's do that right after break. It's their

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Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 4: Are Screens Creating Tension at Home? Tweens, teens and Screens

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Speaker 4: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe super

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Speaker 4: screen solutions. Bye today at Happyfamilies dot com dot au

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Speaker 4: slash Shop.

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Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we

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Speaker 3: are exploring a couple of chapters out of nine Ways

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Speaker 3: to a Resilient Child in preparation for book club tomorrow night.

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Speaker 2: So book club is what our Happy Families members get

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Speaker 2: to participate in once a term for about four weeks.

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Speaker 2: We go through one of my books, we unpack it,

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Speaker 2: we talk about all the stuff that's there. We've just

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Speaker 2: talked about the importance of autonomy, supportive parenting when it

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Speaker 2: comes to building resilient kids, and now strengths based parenting,

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Speaker 2: which one of my colleagues, Lee Waters, from the University

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Speaker 2: of Melbourne, the Graduate School of Education in the Center

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Speaker 2: for Positive Psychology. How's that for a title, As she's

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Speaker 2: written a book called The Strength Switch, which really goes

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Speaker 2: into detail about all of this. But I've written a

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Speaker 2: chapter about how we can tap into our kids' strengths.

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Speaker 2: What struck you as you were reading that chapter?

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Speaker 3: Well, see, I'm a time poor parent who does just

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Speaker 3: very much time and so I still am trying to

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Speaker 3: get this book read before book club tomorrow night.

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Speaker 1: Hurry up.

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Speaker 3: Gosh, So I actually haven't read too much out of

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Speaker 3: the Strengths based Parenting chapter.

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Speaker 2: Well that's probably a good thing because we're almost at

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Speaker 2: the end of the podcast anyway. But what should we

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Speaker 2: talk about? What did you want to talk.

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Speaker 3: I wanted you to kind of, I guess, just define

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Speaker 3: what a strength is for us, and then I elaborate

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Speaker 3: a little bit on what it actually means to parent

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Speaker 3: with strengths in mind.

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Speaker 2: So the first thing that I'm going to say about

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Speaker 2: strengths is whenever I do conferences and I'm talking about

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Speaker 2: well being and strengths, I get everyone to have a

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Speaker 2: little bit of a chat in small groups and identify

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Speaker 2: for themselves. You know, how do you define as strength?

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Speaker 2: Some people say, oh, it's it's persistent, so it's been

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Speaker 2: kind of that's an example of a strength. I'm talking about,

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Speaker 2: how do you define what strengths are? Not give me examples?

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Speaker 2: And most of the time people will put up the

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Speaker 2: hand and say it's what you're good at. And my

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Speaker 2: response is are you any good at driving? Are you

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Speaker 2: any good at doing the dishes? And most people will

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Speaker 2: say yeah, I'm pretty good at both of those things.

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Speaker 2: And I say, well, is it a strength of yours?

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Speaker 2: Because you're good at it. And at that point the

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Speaker 2: penny drops and most people say, nah, there's more to

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Speaker 2: it than that. They're things that I'm put an in there,

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Speaker 2: things that I'm good at. But is that actually a strength.

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Speaker 2: Probably not. When we look at the academic literature, strengths

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Speaker 2: something that's inside us, like it's pre existing, it was

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Speaker 2: always there. You know how some kids they're born and

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Speaker 2: you put a ball near them and they know how

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Speaker 2: to kick it, Or you play music and they know

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Speaker 2: how to sing, or they sit in front of the

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Speaker 2: piano or pick up a musical instrument and they know

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Speaker 2: how to play, or they see another child having a

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Speaker 2: hard time and they know how to be a friend.

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Speaker 1: That is it's pre existing. It's like it's innate.

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Speaker 2: It's in them. Not only that, but they are good

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Speaker 2: at it. But it lights them up, It sparks something

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Speaker 2: for them, It energizes them, and it feels like they're

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Speaker 2: being their authentic self when they get to live that strength.

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Speaker 2: That's what I'm talking about when I talk about strengths.

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Speaker 2: A wonderful colleague and friend of mine, Todd Cashton, who's

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Speaker 2: written a book called Curious and the Dark Side of

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Speaker 2: Your Upside has defined strengths as this. He says, it's

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Speaker 2: the potential for excellence that's inside all of us. We

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Speaker 2: all have a potential for excellence inside our selves, and

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Speaker 2: so do our children. I actually ran a seminar recently

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Speaker 2: for a school and there was one parent who said,

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Speaker 2: I don't think my child has any strengths. I said, oh,

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Speaker 2: my goodness, we need to have a conversation. Every person

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Speaker 2: has strengths, strengths of character or performance strengths. Let's switch

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Speaker 2: it up, though, because I know that a lot of

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Speaker 2: parents are listened to this and going, yeah, but my

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Speaker 2: child's not Nelson Mandela.

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Speaker 1: My child's are the other extreme.

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Speaker 2: So let's say your child is Do you remember Wiley

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Speaker 2: Coyote from Roadrunner? Yeah, give me a couple of Wily

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Speaker 2: Coyote strengths real quick.

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Speaker 1: So he was absolutely single minded.

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Speaker 3: He he had a one goal in mind, and he

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Speaker 3: just kept going. And that provided an opportunity for him

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Speaker 3: to be extremely creative. Yeah, because he just kept coming

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Speaker 3: up with new ways to try and catch the road Runner.

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Speaker 1: Yep.

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Speaker 3: He was tenacious, yep, yep, and he was extremely energetic.

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Speaker 2: So I'm not going to keep on going with this

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Speaker 2: big time will get the better of us. But in

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Speaker 2: no time at all, we can identify strengths even with

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Speaker 2: some kind of tricky characters as well as some of

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Speaker 2: the very best humans in the world.

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Speaker 1: We all have potentials for excellence, insight us.

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Speaker 2: These character attributes, these performance capacities that we've got, our

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Speaker 2: children have them as well. Trouble is, we spend most

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Speaker 2: of our time telling our kids all the stuff they

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Speaker 2: do wrong, all the stuff they're no good at. We

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Speaker 2: focus on their weaknesses. Why didn't you tie to your room?

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Speaker 2: How could you be so forgetful as to forget that

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Speaker 2: it was library day again? Or you forgot your iPad

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Speaker 2: or your computer for school? Like, what's going on in

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Speaker 2: your mind? Why are you so so absent minded? Why

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Speaker 2: are you not concentrating? Why don't you ever listen to

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Speaker 2: what I'm saying? And we spend our days telling our

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Speaker 2: kids about all their weaknesses, and we wonder why they've

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Speaker 2: gone self esteem issues. When was the last time that,

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Speaker 2: as a parent, you sat down and said to your child,

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Speaker 2: here's what I'm crazy about when it comes to you

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Speaker 2: or you know, I've been watching you and I've noticed

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Speaker 2: that you've got this strength. I wonder how we can

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Speaker 2: help you to use it more. That is the kind

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Speaker 2: of conversation that builds resilience in kids as they start

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Speaker 2: to recognize they're innate, spark that thing that's in them

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Speaker 2: that can just light up their life, energize them. They're

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Speaker 2: good at it, and it feels so authentic to use it.

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Speaker 2: That's what we're talking about when it comes to strengths.

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Speaker 3: Well, I'm looking forward tomorrow night's conversation.

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Speaker 1: I'm looking forward to he finishing the chapter.

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Speaker 3: Well, I'll have a sneak peak now, Yeah.

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Speaker 1: That's right.

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Speaker 3: Thanks you.

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Speaker 2: This will be wonderfully helpful. We really hope that you've

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Speaker 2: enjoyed the podcast. Justin rule On from Bridge Media is

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Speaker 2: our executive producer.

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Speaker 1: Oh no, he's not. I just promoted him.

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Speaker 2: Justin rule On from Bridge Media is our producer and

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Speaker 2: Craig Bruce is our executive producer.

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Speaker 1: We really appreciate the work that they do.

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Speaker 2: If you're loving the podcast, we would be so grateful

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Speaker 2: if you jump onto whatever podcast platform you listen and

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Speaker 2: lead us a rating and review so that other people

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Speaker 2: can find out about it. If you've loved what we've

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Speaker 2: talked about in terms of nine ways to a resilient Child.

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Speaker 2: You can buy the book pretty much anywhere, or you

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Speaker 2: can jump onto Happy families dot com dot a and

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Speaker 2: become a Happy Famili's member. Join us for book club,

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Speaker 2: join us for our webinars. They're all included, q and

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Speaker 2: as and a whole lot of other stuff. We would

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Speaker 2: love to have you become a part of the family.

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Speaker 2: If you'd like more information about it, just visit Happy

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Speaker 2: families dot com dot a.

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Speaker 1: Uh