1 00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:09,520 Speaker 1: Hello and welcome. This is episode twelve of The Happy 2 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: Family's podcast. My name is doctor Justin Colson, and this 3 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:16,759 Speaker 1: is the podcast that's dedicated to making your family happier. 4 00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:19,320 Speaker 1: I speak to people pretty much every day who are 5 00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:23,360 Speaker 1: struggling with their family relationships. There's parents who are just 6 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,840 Speaker 1: so tired of their children's challenging behavior. Then there's children 7 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,800 Speaker 1: who are well, they're stressed. I think they're trying to 8 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:33,479 Speaker 1: keep up with the sometimes over the top demands of 9 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:36,040 Speaker 1: their parents. Sometimes parents just want their kids to be perfect, 10 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,960 Speaker 1: nothing less, nothing more, just perfect that we find, and 11 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:42,000 Speaker 1: sometimes parents just load their kids up with a bit 12 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:45,920 Speaker 1: more than is healthy, and so children struggle, and frankly, 13 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:48,279 Speaker 1: a lot of the families that I deal with are 14 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:51,680 Speaker 1: in genuine, real trouble. So today we're going to talk 15 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:56,000 Speaker 1: about five ways that we can know that a family relationship, 16 00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:58,720 Speaker 1: or any relationship for that matter, is in trouble. That's 17 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:01,560 Speaker 1: coming up real soon. Plus how do we cope with 18 00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:04,520 Speaker 1: angry children. I'm going to share some ideas about that 19 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:08,039 Speaker 1: with you in three minute therapy, and in the final 20 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:09,960 Speaker 1: segment of the podcast, I'm going to start sharing this 21 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:14,679 Speaker 1: stuff that's really exciting me in my personal learning journey. 22 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:18,320 Speaker 1: You know, there's an old saying that leaders are readers, 23 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,480 Speaker 1: and I want to share with you the stuff that 24 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:23,959 Speaker 1: I'm learning about because when I'm learning something new, it 25 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:25,600 Speaker 1: helps me to be better and it inspires me. And 26 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,880 Speaker 1: hopefully in your leadership roles, in your family, and for 27 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:31,360 Speaker 1: some of you, perhaps in your workplace, some of the 28 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,880 Speaker 1: things that I share will hopefully be helpful. So today 29 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:37,479 Speaker 1: I'll be sharing some ideas about what life is really 30 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:41,000 Speaker 1: all about. So that's all coming up. But next, five 31 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:45,240 Speaker 1: ways to know that your relationship is in trouble and 32 00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:46,160 Speaker 1: what you can do about it. 33 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:49,800 Speaker 2: Your conference starts in five minutes. People are inside taking 34 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:53,440 Speaker 2: their chairs. I wonder what's going to happen next. Perhaps 35 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:56,200 Speaker 2: you're worried about the guest speakers. What will they say? 36 00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:59,400 Speaker 2: Will it be appropriate, relevant and up to date? Will 37 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:02,440 Speaker 2: it be evident based? Is it going to be stimulating? 38 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,680 Speaker 2: You want people to come to you at the end 39 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:08,000 Speaker 2: of the day and say, wow, thanks for organizing today. 40 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:11,480 Speaker 2: I took so much away from the conference. Doctor Justin 41 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:15,240 Speaker 2: Coulson can help. He speaks to school kids, teachers, parents 42 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:19,400 Speaker 2: and professionals about families and happiness because we all want 43 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 2: happier families, happier classrooms, and happier workplaces. So what's your 44 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,800 Speaker 2: next conference about? To learn more about getting a speaker 45 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:31,080 Speaker 2: who will help your audience learn, laugh, and leave with 46 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:35,080 Speaker 2: practical tools that will empower them to be happier, more productive, 47 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:39,240 Speaker 2: and better parents, teachers, people, And if you'd like the 48 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,720 Speaker 2: credit for having chosen that speaker, visit happy families dot 49 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:46,160 Speaker 2: com dot au for more information about booking doctor Justin 50 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:48,720 Speaker 2: Coulson as a speaker at your next conference. 51 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:51,359 Speaker 1: Well, my parent wakes up in the morning asking what 52 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:54,040 Speaker 1: can I do today to make my child's life hell? 53 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:56,760 Speaker 1: I mean, some days we wonder whether and our children 54 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,240 Speaker 1: have woken up asking themselves how they can make our 55 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:03,440 Speaker 1: life hell. But we don't want to make life horrible. 56 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:06,640 Speaker 1: We want our families to be happy. Sometimes though, we 57 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:10,160 Speaker 1: do wonder do my children exist for any reason other 58 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:13,960 Speaker 1: than to make my life uncomfortable? In my first book, 59 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,840 Speaker 1: What Your Child Needs from You, and also in my 60 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,600 Speaker 1: latest book, twenty one Days to a Happier Family, I 61 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:23,239 Speaker 1: describe how parenting and family life, if we let it, 62 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:27,919 Speaker 1: can become the greatest character education process that we'll ever experience. 63 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:31,280 Speaker 1: And it all comes down to one really simple question. 64 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:34,320 Speaker 1: Am I seeing my child as a person? Or am 65 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,200 Speaker 1: I seeing my child as a problem? So here are 66 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:39,840 Speaker 1: five signs that we've stopped seeing our children as people 67 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:43,680 Speaker 1: and started seeing them as problems. The first one is 68 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,880 Speaker 1: that we become endlessly critical. Maybe you find yourself being 69 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:49,560 Speaker 1: constantly annoyed with your child. You're always into them about something, 70 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:51,680 Speaker 1: or maybe if they're a teenager, you're always into them 71 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:55,800 Speaker 1: about everything. Maybe you say things like I'm sick and 72 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,640 Speaker 1: tired of telling you this, or why don't you ever 73 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:02,600 Speaker 1: do what I say? Spending our time concentrating on all 74 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:06,360 Speaker 1: of the stuff that our children are not doing builds resentment, 75 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:11,640 Speaker 1: and it reduces our children to being things objects in 76 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:15,920 Speaker 1: our eyes, rather than people. Being endlessly critical. The second 77 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:18,919 Speaker 1: sign that our relationships could be in trouble is that 78 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:23,800 Speaker 1: we become contemptuous from time to time. I hate even 79 00:04:23,839 --> 00:04:26,200 Speaker 1: saying it. I cringe just saying it. But every now 80 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:29,960 Speaker 1: and again we'll hear a parent say something like listen here, 81 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:34,840 Speaker 1: you selfish little brat, or maybe they'll frustratingly look at 82 00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:38,039 Speaker 1: the job and you're driving me insane, or get over 83 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:42,560 Speaker 1: here now, you ungrateful little piece of filthful, you know 84 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:45,440 Speaker 1: they call their kids stupid idiots and that kind of thing. 85 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:49,479 Speaker 1: When we treat someone with contempt, what that means is 86 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,360 Speaker 1: that we're treating them as though they're beneath us, they're 87 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:54,600 Speaker 1: not worthy of our consideration or our kindness. And when 88 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:57,560 Speaker 1: we treat our children with contempt, it's a sign that 89 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,560 Speaker 1: we're not seeing them as people. We're seeing them as 90 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:04,039 Speaker 1: something below us, and we despise them. This kind of 91 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:09,400 Speaker 1: language and attitude obviously suggests that our relationships are unhealthy 92 00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:13,600 Speaker 1: and headed for trouble. The third sign that a relationship 93 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:16,080 Speaker 1: could be in strife is that we show a lack 94 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:19,400 Speaker 1: of humility. If we're heavily critical of our children, or 95 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:23,279 Speaker 1: if we're contemptuous towards them, there's a very good chance 96 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:26,000 Speaker 1: that we lack that quality that's so essential for being 97 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:30,320 Speaker 1: a great parent. It's the quality of humility. In a 98 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:34,240 Speaker 1: parenting context, humility means that we're willing to stop and 99 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,279 Speaker 1: understand how things are for our child, see the world 100 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:42,440 Speaker 1: through our child's eyes, and maybe even consider it ourselves. 101 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:44,760 Speaker 1: Am I getting the whole picture? Or am I wrong 102 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:48,680 Speaker 1: with something here? If we lack humility, If we lack it, 103 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:52,640 Speaker 1: we stop considering how things are for our kids. It's 104 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,279 Speaker 1: all about us and our agenda. And when we lack 105 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,599 Speaker 1: humility in a relationship, it's a sign that we've forgotten 106 00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,640 Speaker 1: that the other person is a person about us. The 107 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:03,120 Speaker 1: world revolves around me. Stop being such a nuisance and 108 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:06,359 Speaker 1: thinking it revolves around you, And of course our relationship 109 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,560 Speaker 1: will invariably suffer if that's our dominant attitude. Okay, the 110 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,400 Speaker 1: fourth way to know that our relationship could be in 111 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:17,000 Speaker 1: trouble is this we make our love conditional. Now, I 112 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:18,920 Speaker 1: don't believe that there are too many parents who are 113 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,280 Speaker 1: out there who would say I'll only love you if 114 00:06:21,279 --> 00:06:25,280 Speaker 1: you do what I ask. But while very few parents 115 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:29,440 Speaker 1: might say that explicitly, a lot of parents offer contingent 116 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:34,280 Speaker 1: positive regard unknowingly. What that means is I'll only love 117 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:36,400 Speaker 1: you if you do this or do that. I've actually 118 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,680 Speaker 1: heard some parents say I won't love you anymore if 119 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,839 Speaker 1: you keep doing that. Now, maybe they were just joking, 120 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:46,720 Speaker 1: but it sounds and feels awful. Relationships that make positive 121 00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:52,839 Speaker 1: regard kindness love contingent on behavior tend to be less 122 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:58,600 Speaker 1: healthy than unconditional relationships. Okay, here's the last tip. The 123 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:03,120 Speaker 1: last way that we make our relationships unhealthy at last, 124 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:07,760 Speaker 1: sign that are relationships in trouble, we shut our children out. 125 00:07:08,839 --> 00:07:12,200 Speaker 1: Some parents just do that. One mom taught her newborn 126 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:14,480 Speaker 1: this is a true story. I can't believe it. She 127 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 1: taught her newborn that she should sleep all night. And 128 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,080 Speaker 1: the way she taught her that was by not going 129 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:22,800 Speaker 1: to her when she cried in the night from day one. 130 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:25,120 Speaker 1: Many parents that I know send their kids to the 131 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:28,400 Speaker 1: naughty chair when they behave in challenging ways. Often parents 132 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:31,640 Speaker 1: of teens simply stop talking to them because they're so 133 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:34,240 Speaker 1: hard to get along with. In fact, one father that 134 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:37,240 Speaker 1: I recently spoke with told me, I've washed my hands 135 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,800 Speaker 1: of my fourteen year old daughter. I'm sick of her. 136 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:42,080 Speaker 1: She's too hard to deal with. I'm just having nothing 137 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,320 Speaker 1: to do with her from now on, and he meant it. 138 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:49,320 Speaker 1: Such an approach to our relationships with our children suggests 139 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:54,600 Speaker 1: that we don't have the maturity to manage these relationships effectively, 140 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:58,640 Speaker 1: and our relationships with them are undoubtedly in trouble. And 141 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 1: you know what, our kids deserve so much better than this. 142 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:04,960 Speaker 1: They need us to be so much better. So when 143 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,680 Speaker 1: we see our children as problems or hassles or inconveniences, 144 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,120 Speaker 1: we stop seeing them as people, We start seeing them 145 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:12,120 Speaker 1: as a pain, as an object, and we forget that 146 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:15,760 Speaker 1: they're real people with real feelings and real hopes and 147 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:19,440 Speaker 1: real desires. So what can we do instead, Well, it's 148 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:24,440 Speaker 1: actually pretty simple. First, rather than being critical, ask questions. 149 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:27,120 Speaker 1: We might say, I saw that you didn't clean your 150 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,040 Speaker 1: room when I asked you to What happened? Do you 151 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:34,920 Speaker 1: need help? Second, don't name call ever, just never, ever, ever, 152 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:39,000 Speaker 1: ever name call unless it's a wonderful name, like hello, 153 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,400 Speaker 1: my wonderful child who I love with all my heart. 154 00:08:42,559 --> 00:08:44,440 Speaker 1: To see the world through their eyes, try and remember 155 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:48,360 Speaker 1: what it's like to be a child or a struggling teenager. 156 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:51,320 Speaker 1: That's where humility comes from. Ask yourself, could I be 157 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:56,559 Speaker 1: wrong about my child? And finally, just love them no 158 00:08:56,559 --> 00:08:58,600 Speaker 1: matter what? Rather than shutting them out when things go 159 00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:02,480 Speaker 1: wrong or challenge us, invite them closer, particularly at the 160 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:06,080 Speaker 1: tough times. These are the things that make relationships with 161 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:10,079 Speaker 1: our children stronger and healthier, and they make families happier. 162 00:09:10,679 --> 00:09:12,520 Speaker 1: So I'd love to hear from you. Tell me about 163 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:16,360 Speaker 1: what you've noticed as a sign that a relationship with 164 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:19,080 Speaker 1: your child could be in trouble. Leave your answer at 165 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:22,040 Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot I use slash podcast slash 166 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,600 Speaker 1: twelve like the number twelve? When do you know that 167 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,320 Speaker 1: your relationships are in trouble and what do you do 168 00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:30,599 Speaker 1: to make it better? Happy families dot com dot I 169 00:09:30,679 --> 00:09:35,800 Speaker 1: use slash podcast slash twelve Up next three minute therapy. 170 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:39,280 Speaker 1: How do we deal with angry children? 171 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:42,400 Speaker 2: When it comes to toilet training, things can get a 172 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:46,640 Speaker 2: little stuck. Doctor Justin Coulson has written a no Mess, 173 00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:50,280 Speaker 2: no Fuss ebook to help. Written for busy parents. You'll 174 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:53,680 Speaker 2: whizz through how to toilet train your child without getting 175 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:57,160 Speaker 2: bogged in too much detail. You'll find straight shooting answers 176 00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,840 Speaker 2: about toilet training based on scientific research, like how to 177 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,400 Speaker 2: know when your child is ready to toilet train and 178 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:07,520 Speaker 2: the most popular toilet training approaches and what science says 179 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,760 Speaker 2: about them. This is the fast flowing, easy to digest 180 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,679 Speaker 2: ebook to get your kids going at the right time, 181 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:17,199 Speaker 2: in the right place and the right way. Toilet training 182 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:21,440 Speaker 2: easy as one two We available at Happy families dot 183 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:22,199 Speaker 2: com dot au. 184 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:24,840 Speaker 1: So I've received an email from a mum she's an 185 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:28,440 Speaker 1: RN a registered nurse, about her eleven year old daughter 186 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:31,720 Speaker 1: who is struggling to control her anger. There's no issues 187 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:35,240 Speaker 1: at school, but at home, whoa have? We got some 188 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:38,680 Speaker 1: hard work to do there. So here's my response. First 189 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,920 Speaker 1: of all, when we have angry children, we need to 190 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:45,320 Speaker 1: remember this anger is a habit. In fact, I spoke 191 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:49,280 Speaker 1: with one child recently, a fifteen year old girl who 192 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,480 Speaker 1: has a big anger issue, and she said, when I 193 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:56,200 Speaker 1: get angry, I get what I want. She's learned that 194 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,520 Speaker 1: when she gets mad, she gets the results she wants, 195 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:01,360 Speaker 1: so she just does it more and it's become her 196 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:05,240 Speaker 1: go to response to any challenging situation. I think that's 197 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:08,480 Speaker 1: what might be happening with this eleven year old girl 198 00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:11,720 Speaker 1: in this particular request for help. And more often than not, 199 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,480 Speaker 1: the person who has the highest energy in an interaction 200 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:19,480 Speaker 1: wins whatever they're contesting. You've got the highest energy, you win. 201 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:21,360 Speaker 1: So if I'm eleven and I don't want to do 202 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:23,960 Speaker 1: the dishes, I just get angry and next thing you know, 203 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,400 Speaker 1: there's this big conflict that breaks out that I win 204 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:28,400 Speaker 1: because I keep getting angrier and I get out of 205 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,360 Speaker 1: the dishes. Even if I get sent to my room, 206 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,680 Speaker 1: that's fine. That's a win because I don't have to 207 00:11:32,679 --> 00:11:37,199 Speaker 1: do the dishes in my bedroom. Ralph Waldo Emerson, American 208 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:42,880 Speaker 1: eighteen hundred's philosopher, essayist and general smart guy, said quote, 209 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:46,680 Speaker 1: we all boil at different levels, and I think that 210 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:48,600 Speaker 1: for this eleven year old, and maybe for one of 211 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:52,520 Speaker 1: your children, there's a low boiling point relative to what 212 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:55,280 Speaker 1: we might think that it should be, and perhaps that 213 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:59,199 Speaker 1: boiling point only gets reached in certain environments like at home. 214 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,040 Speaker 1: Probably whole lot of reasons for this, and they include 215 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:06,760 Speaker 1: things like the genetic inheritance of anger. That's probably a 216 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:09,360 Speaker 1: small component. I think a much bigger and more important 217 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:15,439 Speaker 1: component is what we do as parents. What's she's seen, mum, dad, friends, uncles, arties, 218 00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:18,360 Speaker 1: nana's pops, what do they do, and the way that 219 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:20,840 Speaker 1: she's been responded to as well for previous outbursts. Have 220 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:23,560 Speaker 1: you ever noticed that when our children get angry and upset, 221 00:12:23,559 --> 00:12:25,560 Speaker 1: we often look at them and say, would you calm 222 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,360 Speaker 1: down right now? Stop being so angry, And we do 223 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:31,760 Speaker 1: exactly what we've told them not to do. But also 224 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:34,079 Speaker 1: sometimes they might be struggling to control their anger because 225 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:38,120 Speaker 1: they're hungry or tired or stressed. So unfortunately, even if 226 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,000 Speaker 1: we're not aware of it, we usually fight fire with 227 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:43,960 Speaker 1: fire and that's unhelpful and unhealthy. We turn into puffer 228 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,640 Speaker 1: fish parenting puffer fish parents, i should say, and we 229 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,520 Speaker 1: blow ourselves up as big as we can to eliminate 230 00:12:49,559 --> 00:12:52,520 Speaker 1: the threat that our child has become. This is not 231 00:12:52,559 --> 00:12:54,160 Speaker 1: going to be helpful. It's only going to make more 232 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,440 Speaker 1: conflict in the home, and it's going to make our 233 00:12:56,520 --> 00:13:00,959 Speaker 1: children feel more justified in being angry and hating everyone. 234 00:13:01,679 --> 00:13:04,839 Speaker 1: So we need better solutions. Here's a couple of suggestions 235 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:07,600 Speaker 1: to help this mom and to help you if you're 236 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:11,520 Speaker 1: dealing with angry kids. Number one, talk about it, but 237 00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:14,480 Speaker 1: remember timing is everything. Don't try and discuss your child's 238 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,040 Speaker 1: outbursts in the middle of an outburst. That's not going 239 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:19,320 Speaker 1: to get you a good result. If your child flares 240 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,120 Speaker 1: up and you say, see this is what I'm talking about, 241 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,400 Speaker 1: you're doing the angry thing right now. They're not going 242 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,560 Speaker 1: to look at it and smile and say, ah, good point, 243 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:29,720 Speaker 1: thanks for helping me with that. We should talk this through. 244 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,360 Speaker 1: What they what they're going to do is get madder, 245 00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:34,960 Speaker 1: and you're going to be accused of not understanding or 246 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,559 Speaker 1: judging or being so unfair. So instead, wait until things 247 00:13:38,559 --> 00:13:40,800 Speaker 1: have been calm for a while, go for a walk together, 248 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:43,680 Speaker 1: have a chat, and maybe say something like, hey, you 249 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,280 Speaker 1: know that outburst before, what was that about? How can 250 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:49,120 Speaker 1: we do something so this stuff doesn't keep happening. How 251 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:51,920 Speaker 1: does it make everyone feel okay? The next thing to 252 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,520 Speaker 1: do is to understand. We want to know where this 253 00:13:54,679 --> 00:13:57,640 Speaker 1: is coming from. Our children behave in crazy ways because 254 00:13:57,640 --> 00:14:00,439 Speaker 1: they have unmet needs. It's pretty much that simple. If 255 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,080 Speaker 1: a child is being angry out of all proportion, if 256 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,440 Speaker 1: they're hurting others, we might want to set them straight, 257 00:14:06,559 --> 00:14:10,120 Speaker 1: but it just doesn't work. I often hear some parenting 258 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,280 Speaker 1: experts say things like parents, you've just got to get 259 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:16,120 Speaker 1: a spine, You've got to take back authority. Well, you do, 260 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:19,600 Speaker 1: but not in a way that creates power struggles and 261 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:25,280 Speaker 1: more contempt and critical speaking and horribleness. What we need 262 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:29,040 Speaker 1: to do instead is we need to have an understanding approach. 263 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,240 Speaker 1: A nurturing understanding approach allows our children to feel like 264 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,600 Speaker 1: we get it. We can stop the emotional flood of anger, 265 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,600 Speaker 1: and rather than telling them to calm down, we can 266 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:41,640 Speaker 1: just understand. Say hey, you know, I can see that 267 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:44,600 Speaker 1: it's an opportunity for us to be close. Where's this 268 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:48,160 Speaker 1: coming from? You're hungry, angry, lonely, tired, stressed, or sick, 269 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:51,440 Speaker 1: is a problem somewhere in your life. And then we 270 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,760 Speaker 1: give that emotion a name. We actually say, I see 271 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,440 Speaker 1: you're feeling like this. It's amazing. How if it can 272 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:59,240 Speaker 1: be named, it can be tamed. So find words to 273 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,920 Speaker 1: describe how they're feeling, and just show that you understand. 274 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,440 Speaker 1: The third tip is to teach you how to start conversations. 275 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:07,680 Speaker 1: You know, sometimes children just don't know what to say 276 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:09,560 Speaker 1: or how to say it, and they're so emotional that 277 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,640 Speaker 1: they just start blubbering and screaming and going crazy. So 278 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:16,400 Speaker 1: teach your kids to start softly and model that behavior yourself. 279 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,760 Speaker 1: Research clearly shows that soft startups lead to much more 280 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:24,960 Speaker 1: effective outcomes in conversations than harsh startups. One or two 281 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,520 Speaker 1: more quick ideas. You might want to let her know 282 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:27,160 Speaker 1: it's okay. 283 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:27,600 Speaker 2: Leave. 284 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:30,640 Speaker 1: There's a difference between storming out of a room in 285 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:34,960 Speaker 1: anger and leaving a room because you're not coping and 286 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,040 Speaker 1: going somewhere to cool off. One of them is about 287 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:40,880 Speaker 1: either punishing everyone and being just crazy angry, and the 288 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:45,080 Speaker 1: other one's about regulating yourself, and that's a much healthier approach. 289 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:47,800 Speaker 1: Let your child know that it is actually okay to 290 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:50,920 Speaker 1: regulate behavior. You might teach you that her angry thoughts 291 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:54,240 Speaker 1: are kind of like leaves floating down a river. And 292 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,360 Speaker 1: if she closes her eyes and pictures herself sitting on 293 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:59,680 Speaker 1: a beautiful, peaceful riverbank under a gorgeous willow tree, and 294 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:02,200 Speaker 1: what those leaves float down the river? They can just 295 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:04,920 Speaker 1: float down the river and around the band, out of sight, 296 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:08,640 Speaker 1: and she can let them go. And the last point 297 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,560 Speaker 1: that I make is this can't means don't want to. 298 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:13,520 Speaker 1: I was raised by a mum who responded to every 299 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:16,800 Speaker 1: one of my whining I can't do it, mum statements 300 00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:19,360 Speaker 1: with can't means don't want to. Now, this is a 301 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,480 Speaker 1: little bit of tough love, and it may not have 302 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:24,680 Speaker 1: specific science behind it, but what it does is it 303 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:27,480 Speaker 1: lets your child know that she can control her anger 304 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:30,440 Speaker 1: if she wants to. So when you say it's time 305 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:31,960 Speaker 1: to calm down now and she says I can't, you 306 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,240 Speaker 1: can say what car't means don't want to? And if 307 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:38,840 Speaker 1: you stay calm and responsive and understanding, you'll get much 308 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,640 Speaker 1: better outcomes with your child. Now, there's a whole lot 309 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:43,680 Speaker 1: of other anger management strategies that we could talk about, 310 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:45,880 Speaker 1: but that's more than three minutes of three minute therapy, 311 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,680 Speaker 1: and we do need to wrap this session up. But 312 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,560 Speaker 1: I've shared these because they're practical and they're helpful in 313 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:56,440 Speaker 1: their research based If you can model non aggressive, nonviolent, 314 00:16:56,640 --> 00:17:01,440 Speaker 1: non angry interactions with your child, and you'll usually have 315 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,800 Speaker 1: better outcomes. If things get worse, check in with a 316 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:08,240 Speaker 1: local psychologist for some specific guidance. So that's my response 317 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:10,240 Speaker 1: for this week. If you do have any questions, you 318 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,160 Speaker 1: can ask me a question at happy families dot com 319 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:15,240 Speaker 1: dot I use slash questions. Just send me an email 320 00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:18,080 Speaker 1: or the information that you need is at happy families 321 00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:22,320 Speaker 1: dot com dot I use slash questions. And I'm curious 322 00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:25,560 Speaker 1: about how else you deal with angry kids. If you 323 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:29,040 Speaker 1: can keep your answers focused on being respectful to your children, please, 324 00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:31,400 Speaker 1: that would be great. Shea your ideas because I can't 325 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:34,199 Speaker 1: give you all of the answers, so visit happy families 326 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:37,240 Speaker 1: dot com dot I use slash podcast slash twelve like 327 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:40,200 Speaker 1: the number twelve, and tell me how would you deal 328 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,879 Speaker 1: with an always angry eleven year old in ways that 329 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:47,000 Speaker 1: help and that are respectful. Happy families dot com dot 330 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,640 Speaker 1: I use Slash podcast Slash twelve, and I'll be back 331 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:52,320 Speaker 1: in a second with a glimpse into what I've learned 332 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,720 Speaker 1: this week to help me to be a better parent 333 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:56,399 Speaker 1: and a better person. 334 00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:59,480 Speaker 2: Are you pulling your hair out because your child won't listen? 335 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,000 Speaker 2: Find yourself shouting at the children because you just don't 336 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,719 Speaker 2: know what else to do. Is your child back chatting 337 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:09,560 Speaker 2: or disrespectful? Are you finding parenting more challenging than you 338 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:13,359 Speaker 2: ever thought possible? Doctor Justin Coulson provides one on one 339 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:17,000 Speaker 2: parenting coaching via Skype or phone no matter where you are. 340 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:22,720 Speaker 2: Receive personalized individual guidance specifically for your family's circumstances, find 341 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:26,360 Speaker 2: solutions to the parenting problems that are driving you crazy, 342 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:30,120 Speaker 2: and make your family happier Today. For more details and 343 00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:33,360 Speaker 2: a coaching package that will suit you, visit happy families 344 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,520 Speaker 2: dot com dot au forward Slash Coaching. Well. 345 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,280 Speaker 1: This week, I've been thinking a lot about research that's 346 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:43,200 Speaker 1: related to our well being as parents, and some surprising 347 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:46,760 Speaker 1: findings that suggest that the happiest parents are actually the 348 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,439 Speaker 1: ones who are willing to give all they can to 349 00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:52,240 Speaker 1: their families. I posted this on Facebook and had a 350 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:55,640 Speaker 1: really big response. I said this, I know we all 351 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:58,840 Speaker 1: feel like servants or slaves to our children sometimes, but 352 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,840 Speaker 1: it seems to me that the most effective parents and 353 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:04,760 Speaker 1: spouses are servants. First. They put their children or their 354 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,960 Speaker 1: partner before themselves. They're not too important to do the 355 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:12,359 Speaker 1: unpopular jobs. The children and their spouse know that they 356 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,560 Speaker 1: can trust them for help. They make their family members 357 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:17,800 Speaker 1: better and stronger, and they do it with an attitude 358 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:22,520 Speaker 1: of willingness rather than an attitude of begrudging martyrdom. So 359 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:24,399 Speaker 1: that's what's been on my mind, and I think that 360 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,840 Speaker 1: it can help us to be better parents and better people. 361 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,560 Speaker 1: Can you imagine what would happen if we approached all 362 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:33,199 Speaker 1: of our relationships like that? If we give what we 363 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:37,680 Speaker 1: give willingly, with no expectation of anyone giving anything back, 364 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:39,360 Speaker 1: and then if we get nothing back, it doesn't matter 365 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,000 Speaker 1: because we gave it willingly, and if we do well, 366 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:43,919 Speaker 1: that's a bonus. And it certainly pans out that way 367 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,639 Speaker 1: in the research. What do you think? Love to know 368 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:47,960 Speaker 1: your thoughts, Let me know what Happy families dot com 369 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:52,040 Speaker 1: dot I use slash podcast Slash twelve. Okay, that's pretty 370 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,480 Speaker 1: much all we've got time for this week. A quick 371 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,840 Speaker 1: reminder my brand new book twenty one Days for a 372 00:19:56,840 --> 00:20:01,760 Speaker 1: Happier Family is selling like hotcakes. Actually it's going bananas. 373 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,720 Speaker 1: You can get it online, you can get it in bookstores, 374 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,520 Speaker 1: you can get it at my website, Happy families dot 375 00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:07,640 Speaker 1: com dot you as well as the twenty one Days 376 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,679 Speaker 1: to a Happy Families program, which I'm going to tell 377 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:13,119 Speaker 1: you about in the next podcast in a fortnight's time. 378 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:16,200 Speaker 1: In the meantime, though, visit the website and thank you 379 00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:19,040 Speaker 1: for listening to the podcast. I really hope your family 380 00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:21,320 Speaker 1: is happier because of it and that it's helping you 381 00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:24,480 Speaker 1: to grow as a person. If you have any questions 382 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:26,639 Speaker 1: that you'd like to get answered, you can visit me 383 00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:29,240 Speaker 1: at Happy Families dot com dot I use slash questions. 384 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,800 Speaker 1: I'll do my best to answer you in an upcoming podcast. 385 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,639 Speaker 1: And if you've enjoyed the episode, please jump online and 386 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:38,840 Speaker 1: have a look at the show notes at happyfamilies dot 387 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:42,080 Speaker 1: com dot. I use slash podcast slash twelve. You can 388 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:45,160 Speaker 1: share it via Twitter and Facebook, and I'd be absolutely 389 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,040 Speaker 1: thrilled if you would rate the podcast on iTunes because 390 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:50,960 Speaker 1: it's those ratings that determine how likely it is that 391 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,720 Speaker 1: people are going to discover the podcast. And because I 392 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:55,960 Speaker 1: want it to be the best parenting podcast in the world, 393 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:59,240 Speaker 1: I really need your ratings, so please please rate the podcast. 394 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,720 Speaker 1: The ratings will increase the visibility of the podcast and 395 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,080 Speaker 1: help other people to find it so that they can 396 00:21:04,119 --> 00:21:06,960 Speaker 1: have happier families as well. And of course, subscribe while 397 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:10,719 Speaker 1: you're there on iTunes to the Happy Families podcast. So 398 00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:12,520 Speaker 1: that's it for this week. I'll have another one ready 399 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,280 Speaker 1: to go for you in about a fortnight's time. Every 400 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,840 Speaker 1: two weeks they come out. This one will be about 401 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:21,800 Speaker 1: how to make playing with your children fun because there's 402 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,479 Speaker 1: more some people don't like doing it until then. Remember 403 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,280 Speaker 1: you don't have to be the best parent in the world. 404 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:29,120 Speaker 1: You just have to be the best parent in your 405 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:29,960 Speaker 1: children's work.