Speaker 1: Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands
Speaker 1: were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders
Speaker 1: past and present.
Speaker 2: Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was
Speaker 2: recorded on Drug Wallamata Land. Hi guys, and welcome back
Speaker 2: to another episode of Life on Cat. I'm Laura, I'm
Speaker 2: Brittany and Briny.
Speaker 3: Guess what what?
Speaker 2: I went down a rabbit hole, A rabbit hole that
Speaker 2: satisfied me in ways I never thought it would. And
Speaker 2: now I know something I never thought I would know.
Speaker 2: But I really encourage everyone to go on Google.
Speaker 1: It's the best part about rabbit holes, isn't it. You
Speaker 1: don't know where you're gonna end up.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And you like when you're on a doom scroll
Speaker 2: and then you all of a sudden come across something
Speaker 2: and you're like, wow, my brain never knew that, Now
Speaker 2: it does.
Speaker 3: What was said? Rabbit hole? Okay? Have you ever googled?
Speaker 3: What ever that's it feel like? Wants to know? Okay?
Speaker 2: Have you ever googled what a pigeon's nest looks like
Speaker 2: a pigeon?
Speaker 1: Actually, every second Saturday I google that, Laura, Why would
Speaker 1: I have googled what a pigeon's nest is.
Speaker 4: No.
Speaker 2: Okay, everybody in a car wherever you are listening, and
Speaker 2: maybe're on a bus, maybe're on a taxi, who knows,
Speaker 2: maybe you're walking hot go walk, Just stop and just
Speaker 2: google pigeon nest because pigeons are particularly poor at building nests,
Speaker 2: and the level of effort that they put into taking
Speaker 2: care of their home and raising their little egg child
Speaker 2: is truly hilarious.
Speaker 1: I thought you were gonna tell me something other than that.
Speaker 1: I thought pigeon nest was like a euphinism for something
Speaker 1: naughty or sexy, or I thought you were gonna like
Speaker 1: think you were goggling an innocent pigeoness.
Speaker 3: But then pow, it's something else. But no, it's actually
Speaker 3: just a nest.
Speaker 2: It's a real nest. Can I just show you? I
Speaker 2: need to show you some examples of what a pigeon
Speaker 2: nest looks like. They'll just lay an egg anywhere. They'll
Speaker 2: go and get one single fucking stick and lay it
Speaker 2: next to their egg, and they'll be like a job done.
Speaker 3: No, I do know that, you know what, Look at
Speaker 3: this shit. It's so funny.
Speaker 2: If you are feeling like you're having if you've ever
Speaker 2: felt bad at your job, if you've ever questioned or
Speaker 2: had like imposter syndrome. I thought, maybe I'm not equipped
Speaker 2: for this Google pigeon nest.
Speaker 3: And it will make you. Look at that one. The
Speaker 3: pigeon put a stick in an egg on a bed.
Speaker 3: I actually know this, and you know why. Look at
Speaker 3: this pigeon. It laid an egg under a car. It's
Speaker 3: so funny. I can't see it. Can you see the
Speaker 3: egg under a wheel? I mean, that's dangerous. My grandma
Speaker 3: rest in peace.
Speaker 1: She's no longer with us. My grandma spent her whole
Speaker 1: life racing pigeons. She's a pigeon racer. So I grew
Speaker 1: up with pigeons in a pigeon cage. I would be
Speaker 1: the pigeon lady. I'd walk into her pigeon and cage
Speaker 1: and you'd have to close it, and they were like,
Speaker 1: I'm not exaggerating. There were fifty pigeons in living together
Speaker 1: in this huge, huge pigeon cage.
Speaker 3: I shouldn't say that.
Speaker 1: It was an avery and you'd walk in and I'd
Speaker 1: be that pigeon lady. I feel like I was, you
Speaker 1: knowing pet Detective Jim Carrey in that scene where he
Speaker 1: walks into his.
Speaker 2: They're called homing pigeons. I used to have a homing
Speaker 2: pigeon when I was a kid. This is all getting
Speaker 2: weird now wait, hang on, god, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I'm racing pigeons and she would literally I guess they're
Speaker 1: homing pigeons on royds though, like you would send them
Speaker 1: out and they'd have to go and do a job,
Speaker 1: and then they'd have to come back, and it was
Speaker 1: a race and.
Speaker 3: It was hectic. I thought it was the coolest thing.
Speaker 3: But they all laid eggs.
Speaker 1: Like that, so I didn't know if that was an
Speaker 1: actual nest or if that was just an a racing
Speaker 1: pigeon avery nest.
Speaker 2: It's because the pigeons are so fast to get the
Speaker 2: job done away, just go and do it. It's so good.
Speaker 2: It's so enjoyable to sometimes get down like a hole
Speaker 2: in the Internet and you're like, oh, here we are here,
Speaker 2: we are looking at pictures of pigeon eggs, and it
Speaker 2: was really satisfying.
Speaker 3: I'm just wondering how many listeners we just lost that
Speaker 3: A New Too Life hung k home.
Speaker 2: I think if anything, if anything, people are going to
Speaker 2: be like wow, I didn't know that, and I'm glad
Speaker 2: I do.
Speaker 3: There you go, that'll be the thing that you'll bring
Speaker 3: to the party on Saturday night. Now I don't think No,
Speaker 3: I don't think it will be. But I may or
Speaker 3: may not.
Speaker 1: Google it tonight when I'm on the lounge and I'm relaxed,
Speaker 1: I might go down the rabbit hole.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we're gonna put photos on our social media. So
Speaker 2: if you can't be bothered, just go and have.
Speaker 3: A look there.
Speaker 1: What actually brought you to the point where you wanted
Speaker 1: to know what pigeons nests?
Speaker 3: Looked?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: Things have been tough in laugh lately. But no, honestly,
Speaker 2: I don't know what happened. I read somewe that pigeons
Speaker 2: were particularly bad at making nests. I read that and
Speaker 2: I was like, well, I wonder how bad? And then
Speaker 2: I found myself googling it and fuck it. It was
Speaker 2: a really enjoyable little ride there. Okay, can I say
Speaker 2: one more thing? Woke up with a saw back this morning? Okay,
Speaker 2: guess what, nothing happened. Just went to sleep last night,
Speaker 2: just went to bed, fell asleep, woke up with a.
Speaker 3: Saw Back's age. It's fucked, is what it is. It's
Speaker 3: proper age.
Speaker 1: You know, this is actually why I think I love
Speaker 1: long distance so much, because I don't have to share
Speaker 1: my bed with anyone, and I don't have to do
Speaker 1: the extracurricular activity all the time. If I have been
Speaker 1: hectically on a sex binge, it really ruined.
Speaker 3: I feel like it's a workout. It ruins my body.
Speaker 1: My neck's out, my back's out, Like my body is
Speaker 1: absolutely ruined, and I think it's an age there.
Speaker 2: I would like to confirm that that's not the problem
Speaker 2: with me. I've not been on one of those binges,
Speaker 2: you know. I just went to bed at eleven pm
Speaker 2: last night, slept for like a solid six and a
Speaker 2: half hours, and then woke up this morning and my
Speaker 2: back is so sore that I.
Speaker 3: Can't rotate it to drive the car properly. When is
Speaker 3: it that you hit.
Speaker 2: The age where nothing actually happens. You just went to sleep,
Speaker 2: that's it. That's all that happened.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I reckon thirty five. I think that's when it
Speaker 1: starts happening. Thirty five is young.
Speaker 3: Well that's when I noticed. I only noticed in the
Speaker 3: last year because I'm thirty six.
Speaker 2: Anyway, I'm glad that I've caught you guys all up
Speaker 2: on the big things that have been happening in my life.
Speaker 3: Thanks so much.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, something I did want to talk about was
Speaker 1: a new dating quote unquote scam that is apparently sweeping
Speaker 1: the nation, the world. Apparently it's a dating scam phenomenon,
Speaker 1: as a girl would recall it.
Speaker 5: Now.
Speaker 1: I don't know if this is accurate, but there's a
Speaker 1: girl on TikTok that has said she has discovered a
Speaker 1: whole new world of.
Speaker 3: Scamming that we didn't even know existed. Have a listen.
Speaker 2: So woman is ass on a date and she gets
Speaker 2: stood up, but that's pretty common, but the plant twist
Speaker 2: is insane.
Speaker 6: Met this guy on a dating app and he immediately
Speaker 6: asked me out on a date to a specific restaurant
Speaker 6: he confirmed day of. I get to the restaurant and
Speaker 6: see that he's nowhere to be found, so.
Speaker 7: I reach out.
Speaker 3: No response.
Speaker 6: I checked the app and noticed that he unmatched me.
Speaker 7: At that point, I was a little confused, and I
Speaker 7: was kind of pissed because I was already dressed and
Speaker 7: I got all the way there, and because I had
Speaker 7: put in so much effort, I thought I might as
Speaker 7: well just have a meal while I am in the building,
Speaker 7: and it wasn't until I got home when I was
Speaker 7: scrolling Facebook and I saw a very similar story from
Speaker 7: a girl at that same restaurant who also got stood up.
Speaker 5: She found out that there are restaurants now posing as
Speaker 5: people on dating apps just so you go to their
Speaker 5: business and once you get stood up, they know that
Speaker 5: probably nine times out of day, and that you're going
Speaker 5: to buy something from them.
Speaker 1: And that just blew my mind.
Speaker 2: It's the background music for me, the violin, No, it's
Speaker 2: the violin, and then also an ambulance going past at
Speaker 2: the same time. It couldn't have sounded more dramatic. I
Speaker 2: do not think that this is happening. I do not
Speaker 2: like for me, this kind of screams of someone who
Speaker 2: was set up in a restaurant, like as in, they
Speaker 2: got there, the guy didn't show up, they got stood up,
Speaker 2: and then they're trying to reach for reasons as to
Speaker 2: why they were stood up because they don't want to
Speaker 2: deal with the actual could hard factor that they were
Speaker 2: just stood up?
Speaker 3: Yes, that could be an option. It's like making sense
Speaker 3: of your trauma. But this could be a thing if
Speaker 3: it's tough times. It is pretty clever I'm not saying
Speaker 3: it's right, but I don't know. I think you need
Speaker 3: to have more than two people say that this has
Speaker 3: happened to say that it's a phenomenon that all restaurants
Speaker 3: are doing on dating apps, because I tried to do
Speaker 3: some googling and there's nothing that really seems legitimate. But
Speaker 3: there's a lot of people that are like, yeah, it's
Speaker 3: a new thing. It's a thing. There's bots.
Speaker 1: The restaurants are partnering with bots, and they're making people
Speaker 1: come to the restaurant and then they're canceling.
Speaker 3: Then you eat there. I don't think that this is
Speaker 3: sweeping the world right now, but it could make sense.
Speaker 3: People have done weirder things.
Speaker 2: I mean, when we talked about gorilla marketing on Tuesday's episode,
Speaker 2: this would be taking it to a whole new level,
Speaker 2: wouldn't it. I mean, partly, I feel like there could
Speaker 2: be a restaurant who could do this and maybe it
Speaker 2: would result in them getting meals and people, you know,
Speaker 2: are spending their money in their venue. But overarchingly, I
Speaker 2: feel like this is a lot of effort that a
Speaker 2: restaurant would have.
Speaker 3: To go to in order to get more sales.
Speaker 2: I think that there are probably be more wholesome tactics
Speaker 2: that they could go about rather than trying to engage bots,
Speaker 2: rather than having your restaurant associated with something that's so negative.
Speaker 2: Once again, don't think that it's a very good tactic
Speaker 2: from a brand alignment.
Speaker 1: Well, it depends, right, depends how quickly you're getting because
Speaker 1: I think of like my dating years, depends how quickly
Speaker 1: you're getting to the point of wanting to meet up.
Speaker 1: But there are people that I ended up getting to
Speaker 1: that point where you don't want to talk any more
Speaker 1: on the dating app because you're so sick of it,
Speaker 1: So you don't want to waste a week of your
Speaker 1: time talking to someone that when you might meet up
Speaker 1: with them, you realize there's nothing there. So there are
Speaker 1: for sure people that would talk for like fifteen minutes
Speaker 1: literally a few texts, vibe and be like, you know what,
Speaker 1: let's like cut the small talk, let's meet up you
Speaker 1: freeze to night. Like there are people, So I think
Speaker 1: if this fresh dreing is having to dedicate like two
Speaker 1: weeks at a time for one person to get them
Speaker 1: in for one schnitty, like we need to talk about
Speaker 1: background work'sim the amount you paid your staff to get
Speaker 1: on the app and do it. But if you were
Speaker 1: just hiring, I don't know what it costs fifty bucks
Speaker 1: to hire a bunch of bots.
Speaker 3: What does a bot cost? I don't even think.
Speaker 2: You don't hire a bots, you don't pay them per hour.
Speaker 2: A bots is like an app or something if you
Speaker 2: are going to use bots. For example, people use bots
Speaker 2: to get more followers. That's a very common one where
Speaker 2: that a lot of people used to use. So basically
Speaker 2: you would subscribe to a website, you type in your
Speaker 2: details and everything, and you could buy X amount of followers, right,
Speaker 2: It's what loads of old influencers would do. But those
Speaker 2: followers are fake accounts. They're created by individuals usually and
Speaker 2: this is quite shitty. It's usually people who are in
Speaker 2: poorer countries where there's not as many work opportunities, and
Speaker 2: they have one person, two people, hundreds of people whatever
Speaker 2: it is, who have multiple accounts, and that's their job
Speaker 2: to just go on there, set them up and to
Speaker 2: have these conversations. Whereas like and now, I would say,
Speaker 2: with like the advancements of AI and everything, that it
Speaker 2: would be easier. Also, I would say that the communication
Speaker 2: would be more streamlined because of the way in which
Speaker 2: you can use AI.
Speaker 3: It's actually probably not that far fetched.
Speaker 1: You know, remember not long ago, we're talking about Ashley
Speaker 1: Madison and they use bots on their dating site exactly.
Speaker 1: So it's actually, you know, that just popped into my mind.
Speaker 1: Then it's probably not that far fetched that there are
Speaker 1: places that are doing that.
Speaker 2: So if you don't know what Ashley Madison was, Ashley
Speaker 2: Madison was the affairs website, and so they had some
Speaker 2: of the most insane subscribers. All of these people like
Speaker 2: men and women who had subscribed to Ashley Madison, which
Speaker 2: is you know, quote unquote people who wanting to have affairs.
Speaker 2: But it turned out there's a great I think it's Netflix.
Speaker 2: There's a great doco on it where and we unpacked
Speaker 2: it on episode ages ago, but where so many of
Speaker 2: the profiles that were actually on this website weren't real people,
Speaker 2: but the account, like the actual dating account, say, like
Speaker 2: it was kind of like a Tinder or a Bumble.
Speaker 2: They had to appear like they had so many users,
Speaker 2: so so many of those users were fake accounts. Yeah, look,
Speaker 2: I mean, is it possible, yes, is it probable?
Speaker 5: No?
Speaker 2: I think that that's probably two things. But also, did
Speaker 2: this girl just get stood up?
Speaker 3: Highly likely, very very likely.
Speaker 2: Have you ever been completely stood up on a day
Speaker 2: like had a total no show?
Speaker 1: I have not ever had a total no show, but
Speaker 1: I've had.
Speaker 3: No I actually haven't.
Speaker 1: I've never people with mixed up times where I've sat there.
Speaker 3: For a long time. Did you give them another chance?
Speaker 3: I just waited for them.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't think I would be doing I wouldn't now,
Speaker 2: you know, it's in the early days.
Speaker 3: It's when you, I feel like, when you have no
Speaker 3: boundaries or self respect. It was in those days you
Speaker 3: let people walk all over and you're like, that's okay,
Speaker 3: that's okay. Nowhries, I'll wait by the hours. Yeah, you're like,
Speaker 3: I can reschedule, it's fine, even though I've been.
Speaker 2: Here in my hair's done. I've never had a no show.
Speaker 2: I mean, obviously it's going back so long. I've never
Speaker 2: had a complete no show. But I've had people canceled
Speaker 2: so last minute that they might as well have been
Speaker 2: a no show. Like I've had people I'm dressed up,
Speaker 2: I'm fucking like in the car about to go, and
Speaker 2: then received a message off, sorry I can't make it tonight.
Speaker 2: I've received that version, which I think is almost as
Speaker 2: bad as a no show, that.
Speaker 3: It's almost worse, because certainly not worse. Well, people don't.
Speaker 1: Know how much time it takes to get ready for
Speaker 1: a date, the maker, the hair, the picking, the outfit.
Speaker 1: Girls put a fake ten or they do their brows
Speaker 1: like it's a whole event.
Speaker 3: So then to be walking out the door.
Speaker 1: I remember putting my lipstick on once, grabbing my bag
Speaker 1: out the door, and then I got the message and
Speaker 1: I was like.
Speaker 3: You're fucked.
Speaker 1: You can't cancel like five minutes before you're supposed to meet.
Speaker 2: Okay, I definitely don't think it's worse because if you've
Speaker 2: had a no show at a restaurant, then you've already
Speaker 2: done all those steps, plus you got to the restaurant,
Speaker 2: plus you sat down.
Speaker 1: So if at least you utilized your face like someone saw.
Speaker 3: It, somewhat saw it, someone saw your fit.
Speaker 2: But what would you do in that instance? Would you
Speaker 2: then write to them and say, like that's really uncool?
Speaker 2: Would you try and plan another one? Is that like
Speaker 2: one and done? Like?
Speaker 3: How would you respond in that instance?
Speaker 1: I would always give them a benefit of the doubt
Speaker 1: in terms of let them explain, because there could be
Speaker 1: a very good reason, right, I'm not going to write
Speaker 1: an abusive message.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna be like, hey, like I'm here and you're not.
Speaker 3: What's happening. See what their response?
Speaker 1: And if I don't think it's valid, No, there's no
Speaker 1: fucking way I'm giving them another chance.
Speaker 3: Absolutely not.
Speaker 1: But if they were like I am so absolutely sorry,
Speaker 1: I was running and my phone fell down a drain
Speaker 1: and then I tripped over a kitten and had to
Speaker 1: take to the vet or whatever, then yeah, sure I'm
Speaker 1: gonna give that person a second chance. But like people
Speaker 1: that are canceling five minutes before or just not showing up,
Speaker 1: there's not a lot of excuses that cover that.
Speaker 3: I don't think.
Speaker 2: Because love that you just said you're going to give
Speaker 2: the guy who says you tripped over a kitten and
Speaker 2: had to take to a vet another chance?
Speaker 3: That is about It says a lot about a character.
Speaker 3: If he's looking after those animals, that's what I want.
Speaker 3: How's that one treats an animals says a lot about them?
Speaker 2: Okay, I feel like maybe you're giving people a chance.
Speaker 2: This actually, to me is a real revelation on your
Speaker 2: dating history.
Speaker 3: Well, let's not even touch on yours. Let's get into
Speaker 3: some vibes, alright.
Speaker 2: I have a vibe this week which I promise after
Speaker 2: this week I will stop bringing colts.
Speaker 3: I will stop. I will stop with the colts. All
Speaker 3: both of us do is hectic, true crime colt stuff.
Speaker 2: Well, okay, now that like work is kind of We're
Speaker 2: getting to the end of the year and work is
Speaker 2: like scaling down a little bit. I am catching up
Speaker 2: on all the Netflix and like PayTV shit that I've
Speaker 2: not been able to watch all year. And my favorite
Speaker 2: thing to watch is crazy cult documentaries.
Speaker 3: I don't know why. I just find it so interesting.
Speaker 2: I find it so fascinating that someone can be sucked
Speaker 2: into a world from coercive control or through manipulation, and
Speaker 2: they can subscribe so deeply and fundamentally to a cult.
Speaker 2: Like I just find it fascinating from a psychological perspective.
Speaker 2: But this is It's on Netflix. It came out a
Speaker 2: couple of months ago, but I think it's only just
Speaker 2: getting traction now. It's called Keep Sweet, Pray and Obey.
Speaker 2: It's a couple of episodes. I think there's four episodes
Speaker 2: in total. I watch them over two nights. Sounds like
Speaker 2: the antidote to eat, pray, love, keep sweet, pray, and obey. Okay,
Speaker 2: So this is all about like the rise of Warren Jeffs.
Speaker 2: So Warren Jeff's was the profit of a fundamentalist Church
Speaker 2: of Jesus Christ and Later day Saints, which is like
Speaker 2: a Mormon fundamentalist group in the States. The reason why
Speaker 2: that they broke away from the main religion of being
Speaker 2: Mormons is because they believe in polygamy, and lygamy was
Speaker 2: outlawed within the Mormon community. It's also against the law
Speaker 2: in the United States. But this is a sect of
Speaker 2: being Mormon who still very much believe in polygamy. They also,
Speaker 2: because of their polygamous views, which are illegal, they live
Speaker 2: in a very closed community to hide that from the
Speaker 2: rest of the world. And they I can't remember the
Speaker 2: word that they used, but they have a word to
Speaker 2: describe anyone who is not from their community. And the
Speaker 2: way in which they raise their children so like people
Speaker 2: like us, they raise them to almost think that they
Speaker 2: are alien, that they are going to hell. They are
Speaker 2: so sinful. You know, if you come across one, don't
Speaker 2: speak to them, don't interact with them. So they keep
Speaker 2: their community incredibly closed now this guy who is now
Speaker 2: serving a whole lot of time in jail, like life
Speaker 2: sentences in jail. It goes into the treatment of the
Speaker 2: children and of the women within this Mormon cult. And
Speaker 2: I call it a cult even though it still exists now,
Speaker 2: I call it a cult because of well you just
Speaker 2: watch it. I don't want to give it all away,
Speaker 2: but it's really, really fucking fascinating.
Speaker 4: I have questions, like, roughly how many people, because when
Speaker 4: you have a community like that where that cannot go
Speaker 4: into the outside world, you get incest.
Speaker 2: Yes, and that's not touched on in the documentary, But
Speaker 2: I went down another rabbit hole when there was pigeon ness,
Speaker 2: and also when you.
Speaker 3: Ran out of the pigeons.
Speaker 2: After I left the pigeon ness, I started googling this community,
Speaker 2: this religious community. They have high incidences of chromosomal abnormalities. However,
Speaker 2: that is not discussed in the doco, and there's no
Speaker 2: telltale signs of that, Like you're not thinking like, oh,
Speaker 2: this is really weird. You kind of just think that
Speaker 2: there's so many women who have been brought up in
Speaker 2: this community that are so oppressed, and they've used religion
Speaker 2: as a way of creating such deep rooted fear in
Speaker 2: them that if they don't obey that, if they're you know,
Speaker 2: quote unquote keep sweet, that they're gonna die in internal hell.
Speaker 2: But the thing that was so inspiring and incredible about
Speaker 2: this is that the whole doco is based around the
Speaker 2: women who broke free of this community and who brought
Speaker 2: him to justice.
Speaker 3: And there's one woman. Her name is Alyssa Wall. She's
Speaker 3: the main person who the docco is built around, and
Speaker 3: I've tried to contact her. I'm desperate to get her
Speaker 3: onto the podcast because her story is incredibly fascinating. She's
Speaker 3: not someone who uses social media much by the looks
Speaker 3: of things, so fingers crossed for me. But she is
Speaker 3: just so incredibly resilient and her story is something that
Speaker 3: I think, like, if you watch it, you think, how
Speaker 3: does anyone survive through that and still be the positive,
Speaker 3: resilient type of person that she is. So go watch
Speaker 3: it on Netflix. It's only four episodes. You can watch
Speaker 3: it over two nights. It's a really well paced doco.
Speaker 2: Sometimes I think they're a bit too slow moving, and
Speaker 2: this is like, it's interesting from the get go.
Speaker 3: I'm going to go something a little bit lighter My
Speaker 3: vibe for the week is a towel.
Speaker 1: Now bear with me. It's not just any towel. It's
Speaker 1: a dog towel. Now keep bearing with me. Every time
Speaker 1: I have posted this towel, hundreds of people are like,
Speaker 1: where is that from? I need one for my dog.
Speaker 3: Now. It is coming into summer. This sounds like an ad.
Speaker 3: It is not.
Speaker 1: It's coming too summer, and there's nothing more annoying for dogger.
Speaker 1: You'll know for when you've been at the beach or
Speaker 1: you've given your dog a bath and they're still but
Speaker 1: you don't want to blow dry them.
Speaker 3: There's this towel by the brand Dogs.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So the brand is called Dog by doctor Lisa, who's
Speaker 1: the vet, right, she's a vet on TV and she's
Speaker 1: got a dog brand anyway. But it's like a poncho,
Speaker 1: so it goes you buy the size feet dog, and
Speaker 1: it goes around their body and around their neck, and
Speaker 1: it's got little clip up buttons, but it's still a
Speaker 1: towel material and it still lets them move around and run,
Speaker 1: but they're not soaking wet everywhere, and it slowly dries
Speaker 1: up the water. So it's good in summer when they're
Speaker 1: wet it's good in winter when they're cold and wet,
Speaker 1: so it's still a towel and they can sleep in it.
Speaker 1: Delilah will sleeping hers for a while after she's had
Speaker 1: a big day of the beach, and it's just so
Speaker 1: good because all the wet shit doesn't go all around
Speaker 1: the house either.
Speaker 2: This reminds me of an identical towel that you use
Speaker 2: on children, the ponto toils, where it's got the little
Speaker 2: hood and little arms that.
Speaker 3: Stick out the sides.
Speaker 4: I wish they made more ponto towels for adults. I
Speaker 4: know they do, but they're really expensive. They're also really ugly.
Speaker 3: It doesn't land right now. It looks ridiculous. A lot
Speaker 3: of divers have them.
Speaker 8: I would totally walk back from the beach in a pontree.
Speaker 3: A lot of surf. You would, Kisha.
Speaker 2: You also set me a photo of yourself and your
Speaker 2: speedros and your goggles the other day, and I was
Speaker 2: like that girl, she knows what's cool.
Speaker 3: Budgugglers. It looks great anyway, That is it. It's it's
Speaker 3: super versatile. It's great. You're gonna love it. Okay, well
Speaker 3: I can I speak to in it?
Speaker 7: Okay?
Speaker 4: Both I'm bringing up both of these because I spoke
Speaker 4: about both of them in the Facebook group. If you
Speaker 4: aren't a part of the discussion group, it is called
Speaker 4: lifehun Cut Discussion Group. Great recommendations go on there. So
Speaker 4: one I know I'm becoming the girl who talks about
Speaker 4: boobs a little bit too much, but I'm a natural
Speaker 4: ten f And once I was questioned why I say that,
Speaker 4: and I say that because when you have big boobs,
Speaker 4: if you have boobs that are implants or perhaps fat
Speaker 4: transfer or whatever, they can be big, but they don't
Speaker 4: require as much support as what a natural boob does.
Speaker 3: So the reason he say, oh, you're not boob shaming,
Speaker 3: You're not like I'm a natural.
Speaker 4: No, it's absolutely no hate whatsoever to anything that anyone
Speaker 4: has ever done to their own boobs.
Speaker 3: More gravity is involved when it's all natural.
Speaker 8: Honestly, sometimes I swear to God, mine could be.
Speaker 3: In the next suburb.
Speaker 2: Like like you wake up and they're just like still
Speaker 2: on the bed, but you're laying on your back. I
Speaker 2: know that was me during pregnancy. Wanted was just still.
Speaker 2: It was like on the mattress and I was on
Speaker 2: my back, and I was like, what's going on here?
Speaker 2: Like it had melted off my body.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you gotta like scoop them up from your armpits.
Speaker 4: So there is one sports bra that I have worn.
Speaker 4: Oh it must be four or five years now. I
Speaker 4: am utterly obsessed with it. It's the Lorna Jane one.
Speaker 4: It's called the one sports Bruh. It's maximum supports sports
Speaker 4: bru So this sports bruh. The reason that I think
Speaker 4: it is so incredible is that my entire life I
Speaker 4: used to have to wear two to do high impact things.
Speaker 4: Since I discovered this sports bruy, it is the only
Speaker 4: thing I wear for like running, touch footy, jumping, like
Speaker 4: high aerobic stuff, and I only have to wear one.
Speaker 4: It's got to zip up the middle, and it's got
Speaker 4: these like it's got normal straps that you can adjust,
Speaker 4: but at the back it's got a clip that you
Speaker 4: can clip it together. And when I first went into
Speaker 4: the store to try this on, it was so many
Speaker 4: years ago, but the woman at the store said to me,
Speaker 4: she was like, take in an extra small because you
Speaker 4: have a small back. And I literally laughed at her.
Speaker 4: I was like, babe, I haven't made an extra small
Speaker 4: in a top. Literally when I was nine years old,
Speaker 4: like this is a joke. Anyway, she was completely right.
Speaker 4: I needed it to be a small enough size that
Speaker 4: it really compressed me in. So if you are looking
Speaker 4: for a new sports bra, get whatever size fits your back,
Speaker 4: not the actual cup, because there's enough material that really
Speaker 4: holds you in.
Speaker 8: I'm just obsessed with it. I have like four of them.
Speaker 4: If they are going to discontinue this product, I need
Speaker 4: like six months notice so I can stop, because it
Speaker 4: is the only.
Speaker 3: One that I ever want to use.
Speaker 4: The other recommendation I have and I understand that this
Speaker 4: is a little bit biased, but again, it was brought
Speaker 4: up in the Facebook group by someone else. It was
Speaker 4: an episode of Two Doting Dads, which is your husband
Speaker 4: Matt's podcast.
Speaker 3: I also edit this podcast.
Speaker 4: It is with Ashwicks, who you might know on Instagram
Speaker 4: or TikTok as Jam Pikelets.
Speaker 8: It was a bonus episode that the boys did two
Speaker 8: weeks ago.
Speaker 4: It was released on November thirteen, and it was all
Speaker 4: about Ash's journey with mental health. It is called Depression
Speaker 4: and Anxiety, Breaking the Stigma, and I think that we
Speaker 4: have so many conversations about mental health in the public
Speaker 4: space now, but what I specifically loved about this is Firstly,
Speaker 4: Ash is so real and he's very matter of fact
Speaker 4: about it.
Speaker 3: His journey with depression.
Speaker 4: He became aware of it once they had had their
Speaker 4: first child, And in this episode he talks a lot
Speaker 4: about postpartum depression for both women and for men after
Speaker 4: entering a baby into the family unit. He speaks a
Speaker 4: lot about what the first steps.
Speaker 3: Are for going and getting help.
Speaker 4: And I think that that's particularly interesting because I know
Speaker 4: for a lot of men, statistically we have and this
Speaker 4: I mean a bit of a trigger warning, we have
Speaker 4: seven men in Australia and two women a day take
Speaker 4: their lives. And I think a large part of the
Speaker 4: conversation is that these people don't feel comfortable having those
Speaker 4: initial chats to go and seek help. They don't really
Speaker 4: know what the process is of do I go to
Speaker 4: a GP, how do I find a psychologist?
Speaker 6: Like?
Speaker 8: How do I do anything that is hopefully going to
Speaker 8: help us?
Speaker 2: Also, I think the big thing as well is like,
Speaker 2: as women, and we've been conditioned to talk about our
Speaker 2: feelings way more like we are. You know, we're so
Speaker 2: much more inclined to talk to our friends if we
Speaker 2: are sad or unhappy or something is not good in
Speaker 2: our life, whereas like as a guy, a lot of
Speaker 2: men don't have the capacity, capability or emotional EQ. I
Speaker 2: know that's changing, but like you know, that's a bit
Speaker 2: of a blanket statement. But to have those conversations. The
Speaker 2: other thing and just something you said, Keysh is like
Speaker 2: this idea of postpartum depression.
Speaker 3: I think it's very different.
Speaker 2: Like women who have postpartum depression, it can often be
Speaker 2: hormone related rather than it being a reaction to what's
Speaker 2: happening in your world.
Speaker 3: But one thing that.
Speaker 2: Ash touched on is I loved the episode as well
Speaker 2: when I was there when they were recording it because
Speaker 2: they're in my house. But Ash talked about how the
Speaker 2: focus is one hundred percent on the birth mother's health
Speaker 2: and mental health at that time, as it should be,
Speaker 2: but it also then adds to the guilt that you
Speaker 2: feel if your mental health is not matching up as
Speaker 2: a dad. And it's just looking at it from a
Speaker 2: different perspective, which I think is so important because you know,
Speaker 2: you can't disregard one person's lived experience, the male lived
Speaker 2: experience within becoming a parent, because all that does is
Speaker 2: minimize it and once again make them feel like they're
Speaker 2: not supposed to have these big feelings.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I also think what.
Speaker 4: You just touched on with the whole like, women have
Speaker 4: a little bit more vocabulary around this. I think that
Speaker 4: we openly talk about our feelings more. I think for
Speaker 4: a lot of men, they don't know what depression is,
Speaker 4: like they don't recognize the feelings. And Ash spoke about
Speaker 4: how he was genuinely like, I don't know what the
Speaker 4: fuck this is, but I have no joy in my life,
Speaker 4: like the lights have.
Speaker 8: Gone off, and he didn't even know what it was.
Speaker 4: So the reason I would love to recommend this episode
Speaker 4: is because I think not only is it really great
Speaker 4: for anyone who is thinking that they might have a
Speaker 4: bit of a mental health issue and they want to
Speaker 4: know those first steps to take, but I also think
Speaker 4: this is really powerful for someone who might have a dad,
Speaker 4: a brother, a partner, a friend who is really struggling
Speaker 4: with their mental health and you might find the tools
Speaker 4: to have the conversation with them. Really highly recommend it,
Speaker 4: and the people in a Facebook group did too, So
Speaker 4: as for all.
Speaker 3: Of our recommendations, we will link them in the show notes.
Speaker 3: All right, let's get into the questions. All right.
Speaker 2: Question number one. My friend and I are moving out
Speaker 2: together into a rental and I've asked my boyfriend who
Speaker 2: wants to move in with us. However, he said that
Speaker 2: he is happy living at home with his family. He's
Speaker 2: not working full time like me and my friend are,
Speaker 2: and so he wants to keep the arrangement as it
Speaker 2: currently is. My question is this, when should you make
Speaker 2: your partner pay rent or put money towards things within
Speaker 2: your home? Because I know he is bound to come
Speaker 2: and stay multiple nights a week. I know once I
Speaker 2: move out and I'm living with my girlfriend, I won't
Speaker 2: be staying at his parents' house anymore. He will always
Speaker 2: be staying.
Speaker 3: At my house.
Speaker 2: How do I set these boundaries? Do I need to
Speaker 2: set them earlier? Or is it something that you can
Speaker 2: come to an agreement on.
Speaker 3: I think so relatable.
Speaker 2: Do you know what, though, I think that this is
Speaker 2: even more important, not just for you to set those boundaries,
Speaker 2: it's actually really important for your housemate. I mean, I
Speaker 2: know that there's this expectation that if you're single and
Speaker 2: you're living with someone, then you have to have an
Speaker 2: allowance for their partner if they get into a relationship,
Speaker 2: for their partner to come and see at your house, right, Like,
Speaker 2: you just have to be cool with it. But if
Speaker 2: you can't go and stay at their house and he
Speaker 2: is always playing the away game at your house, that
Speaker 2: I think I would be as the house may I
Speaker 2: would be annoyed because to me, I'd be like, well,
Speaker 2: there's three people living here.
Speaker 1: Especially because she's agreed to move in with you, one
Speaker 1: person a friend not a friend, and her boyfriend.
Speaker 3: So one hundred percent you have to consider the house
Speaker 3: made in this.
Speaker 1: But this is a really tricky one in terms of
Speaker 1: it depends on how much they're staying. And I'm sort
Speaker 1: of smirking in my you could see me right now.
Speaker 1: I'm smirking because I've been through this situation so many
Speaker 1: times and it can get awkward. But I think if
Speaker 1: you've been together long enough and you're spending every night together,
Speaker 1: it shouldn't be awkward. I don't think you have to
Speaker 1: set this boundary before you move in. I don't think
Speaker 1: that'll go well. I don't think it'll go well. It's
Speaker 1: like if you're hey, just heads up in advance. If
Speaker 1: you think you're coming to my house to stay, you're
Speaker 1: gonna have to pay rent. You had the choice of
Speaker 1: move and nan you chose no. I don't think it
Speaker 1: goes like that. See what it's like, See what the
Speaker 1: percentage is like. If is he there one or two
Speaker 1: nights a week, then you're not going to say, like,
Speaker 1: give me two days.
Speaker 3: But maybe he can be doing other things. Maybe he's
Speaker 3: bringing dinner over, maybe he's ordering the Uber eats, whatever
Speaker 3: it is.
Speaker 1: But I have been in this situation when I started
Speaker 1: dating Jordan. For anyone that's knew that was my partner
Speaker 1: a few years ago.
Speaker 2: But when I said the one whose name we never
Speaker 2: say but for the reason that the rules just changed,
Speaker 2: my insides are like me too. There's nothing bad it happened.
Speaker 1: We don't not say he's not Voltemore, but we just
Speaker 1: you know, you know, it's just like an X, you
Speaker 1: just don't say the name.
Speaker 3: But who should not be named?
Speaker 1: My ex he's great, can't fault him. But when we met,
Speaker 1: we were that really hard and fast love. So we
Speaker 1: met and then we basically didn't spend time apart for
Speaker 1: like two to three months before he was traveling so
Speaker 1: every day, and he didn't really have a home in
Speaker 1: Australia because he doesn't live here. So he'd stayed his parents,
Speaker 1: so he stayed in my house, but he probably two nights.
Speaker 1: He didn't stay there in months, and I was obsessed.
Speaker 1: We were obseest, so it was fine, but then he
Speaker 1: was living. He was a flatmate for a quarter of
Speaker 1: a year. So at the end and I didn't expect this,
Speaker 1: but at the end, he gave me a bunch of
Speaker 1: cash and he was like, look, this is my rent.
Speaker 1: Because I realized I didn't think about it at the time,
Speaker 1: but I have been in your house when you're not there,
Speaker 1: when you're there, like, so here's some money to compensate.
Speaker 1: And I didn't take it, but I appreciated it that
Speaker 1: he offered. I appreciated that he realized that he was
Speaker 1: a second person and I was paying for everything.
Speaker 3: I'm paying the bills, I'm paying the rent, which is fine.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I think you have too much high expectation
Speaker 2: of this guy. If he's saying he wants to stay
Speaker 2: at home because he doesn't want to pay the money
Speaker 2: because he's not you know, he's not making enough money,
Speaker 2: blah blah blah, he wants to stay living at home.
Speaker 2: He doesn't to me sound like the type of person
Speaker 2: who's going to voluntarily offer to pay more money. Like
Speaker 2: that to me goes, okay, you're going to be in
Speaker 2: a situation here. I think it's good that you're thinking
Speaker 2: about it. But I agree with you, Britt, because this
Speaker 2: could be if you bring it up with him. Now,
Speaker 2: if you're like, well, fine, you didn't want to move
Speaker 2: in with me, So if you stay at my house
Speaker 2: four nights a week or five nights a week or whatever,
Speaker 2: that's going to look like you have to pay a
Speaker 2: percentage of the nights that you stay.
Speaker 3: It almost looks a bit tip for tat it's like transactional.
Speaker 3: Well no, yeah, not even that.
Speaker 2: It looks like, well, you didn't want to move in
Speaker 2: with me, and I wanted to live with you, So
Speaker 2: I'm going to punish you because you're living with me.
Speaker 2: You know, you're still coming and spending that time at
Speaker 2: my house. The big problem here is that you don't
Speaker 2: want to go necessarily and stay at his parents' house.
Speaker 2: But I think the question is is will he be like,
Speaker 2: you can still come stay here, You can come stay
Speaker 2: here two nights a week, and I'll come and stay
Speaker 2: at your house x amount of nights a week if
Speaker 2: the load is even if he's saying, there's no reason
Speaker 2: why you can't come stay at my house, and it's
Speaker 2: that you don't want to go anymore, and so therefore
Speaker 2: he has to come to your house. And I understand
Speaker 2: why you don't want to go. Who the fuck wants
Speaker 2: to go and hang out at their boy laws when
Speaker 2: you have your own house, So I totally understand. But
Speaker 2: if the option is there and it's you were the
Speaker 2: one who's saying you don't want to go, then I
Speaker 2: think that you can't expect him to pay. Whereas like
Speaker 2: if he's saying, oh, I don't want you to come
Speaker 2: and stay at my parents' house, I will come and
Speaker 2: stay at your house because it's just a bit of
Speaker 2: vibe for everyone, then I think that that's where you know,
Speaker 2: you might expect him to pay some money. But I
Speaker 2: do think you know, when you said, Britt, maybe he
Speaker 2: can pay for Uber eats, Maybe he can pay and contribute.
Speaker 2: If he's going to do those things, he has to
Speaker 2: contribute to your housemate as well. When it's like, if
Speaker 2: he's gonna buy Uber eats, that's not paying for your dinners,
Speaker 2: that's paying for your housemate's dinner because you're sharing your
Speaker 2: personal space, but unfortunately so is she, and she's sharing
Speaker 2: her house that's supposed to be for two people. She
Speaker 2: is now the lesser in that equation, and that can
Speaker 2: be so annoying. Like if you are two people living
Speaker 2: in a house, one person has a boyfriend, the other
Speaker 2: person doesn't. Instantly you are the minority. Instantly you're the
Speaker 2: one who's like paying more for him to use the water,
Speaker 2: use the electricity, use the internet, all that stuff.
Speaker 1: It's not even that it's the sharing physically of the space.
Speaker 1: It's like when a because I've also been in that
Speaker 1: situation when a couple is in your house and person
Speaker 1: and they're cuddling on the lounge watching TV and they're like, hey,
Speaker 1: of course you can come watch with us. You don't
Speaker 1: want to, You're like, why do I want to sit
Speaker 1: on the edge of the couch where you've probably jizzed
Speaker 1: all over and while you guys are up the other
Speaker 1: end smooching and talking and giggling. It just doesn't or
Speaker 1: sometimes it's fine, right, but like that other flatmate, the
Speaker 1: single person and is the one that really suffers.
Speaker 2: Totally, and it's the one who feels triangulated. And the
Speaker 2: reason why I say this The reason why I say
Speaker 2: it's so important to be aware that if he is contributing,
Speaker 2: that that contribution doesn't just come off your half. That
Speaker 2: contribution comes off your housemates half as well, so that
Speaker 2: the three of you are making a contribution together is
Speaker 2: because I used to live with a couple and I'm like, like,
Speaker 2: they were great.
Speaker 3: We're in our twenties. I love living with them.
Speaker 2: They were great people, but they would always do things
Speaker 2: as though they were a couple in terms of their
Speaker 2: financial contribution. But they would contribute as though they were
Speaker 2: one person and I was one person. And I'm like, no, guys,
Speaker 2: you guys contributing and being like, oh, I bought the
Speaker 2: milk this week, so you buy the milk. It's like no, no, no,
Speaker 2: you buy the milk. Then he buys the milk. Then
Speaker 2: I buy the milk, because like, I'm not paying for
Speaker 2: the two of you to consume twice the amount of
Speaker 2: meat in every single aspect. So I think once you've
Speaker 2: lived it, you become so much more aware of how, unfortunately,
Speaker 2: how selfish some couples can be when they're living with
Speaker 2: one person, because they're just sometimes not aware of how
Speaker 2: much extra fifty percent extra the two people consume, but
Speaker 2: in terms.
Speaker 3: Of actually help one hundred percent extra, not fifty percent
Speaker 3: extra actually helping you, because I don't think we're telling
Speaker 3: you anything. You don't know.
Speaker 1: The actual conversation is the hard part where it can
Speaker 1: be awkward. I think we have to do see how
Speaker 1: it goes, see how much he's coming over again. Maybe
Speaker 1: you do need to bite the bullet and stay with
Speaker 1: his family every now and again so that your flatmate
Speaker 1: does have some space, but the conversation needs to go
Speaker 1: see how it's going, and then if he is there
Speaker 1: all the time, you need to straight upstate to him, hey,
Speaker 1: maybe we do need to talk about moving in together,
Speaker 1: because we basically live together anyway, and you can openly
Speaker 1: bring up the flat mate. You don't put it on them,
Speaker 1: but you're like, you know, there's some I feel guilty.
Speaker 1: There's someone else in this space. So we either need
Speaker 1: to come up with a way where like we're all
Speaker 1: contributing equally, or maybe you and I do have to
Speaker 1: move out, Like once you float it like that instead
Speaker 1: of sitting down saying you're like, yo, you need to pay,
Speaker 1: it's just different. I feel like, hey, I feel like
Speaker 1: you know, I don't want to start any issues in
Speaker 1: the house, but like, this is her space and that
Speaker 1: we're encroaching in totally. What do you reckon we can
Speaker 1: do here? I guess we could either move in together,
Speaker 1: or maybe you could contribute a bit to make things
Speaker 1: a bit even. And then if he's like he might
Speaker 1: not have even thought about it, he'd be like, oh, well,
Speaker 1: I'm not ready to move in, so maybe i'll I'll
Speaker 1: contribute in other ways.
Speaker 2: And if he doesn't, if he flat out refuses to
Speaker 2: contribute or says, oh, I'll come around less or whatever,
Speaker 2: then that's a whole other thing that you have to
Speaker 2: deal with. That's like a reflection of his I mean,
Speaker 2: his maturity, his commitment to the relationship, like his sense
Speaker 2: of entitlement. There's so many other things to unpack there,
Speaker 2: so hopefully you don't get to that hurdle.
Speaker 1: Okay, Question number two, how important is it to talk
Speaker 1: through your issues after having a disagreement with your partner.
Speaker 3: My partner and I tend to have issues.
Speaker 1: We get cross with each other for a couple of days,
Speaker 1: and then we just go back to normal like nothing
Speaker 1: ever happened. Part of me thinks this is okay, and
Speaker 1: we can't always be hunky dory. But then there is
Speaker 1: another part of me that thinks there needs to be
Speaker 1: a resolution and understanding when there's an issue. I grew
Speaker 1: up in a household that was not good at resolving conflict,
Speaker 1: so I'm learning on the go now, thoughts.
Speaker 2: I find this so interesting because there's absolutely two types
Speaker 2: of people, right There's one, Yeah, there's one type of
Speaker 2: people who like have the conversation, just get it all out,
Speaker 2: and then they make up quickly and then they move
Speaker 2: on from it. Then there's other people who when there's conflict,
Speaker 2: they just don't say anything. They just internally get over it,
Speaker 2: quote unquote, and then they just pretend like everything's fine.
Speaker 2: Usually it takes longer to get over it because you've
Speaker 2: not had any sort of resolution, you've not had any apology.
Speaker 3: I know people in my life.
Speaker 2: Who are that version, and I with Matt and the
Speaker 2: other like Matt and I, if we're annoyed at each other,
Speaker 2: we can't go to sleep unless we've made up, like
Speaker 2: unless we've had a resolution to it. So we're always
Speaker 2: like throw it on the table, even if that means
Speaker 2: that things escalate more, they escalate and then they de
Speaker 2: escalate quickly because we get to make up before we
Speaker 2: go to bed. But I guess my big thing is
Speaker 2: is that no way of dealing with conflict is necessarily
Speaker 2: right or wrong in such a black and white way.
Speaker 2: But what ignoring conflict and just kind of getting over
Speaker 2: it in your own internally and then never talking about
Speaker 2: and then being going back to fine. For me, my
Speaker 2: understanding of it is that that can build resentment, and
Speaker 2: sometimes it is not fine, and you feel like there's
Speaker 2: a lack of understanding with your partner, you've felt something,
Speaker 2: you've been hurt by something, and then there has been
Speaker 2: no reparation to try and meet in the middle, or
Speaker 2: to try and see each other's views and to get closer.
Speaker 2: So I think the thing that you're missing with this
Speaker 2: type of conflict resolution is you're robbing yourselves of the
Speaker 2: ability to have a deeper connection through conflict, which I
Speaker 2: think some people can achieve.
Speaker 3: You have a fight, you make up, you talk.
Speaker 2: About it, and it's within that talking about it that
Speaker 2: you actually can connect on a deeper level.
Speaker 3: I agree.
Speaker 1: I feel like you always need a resolution of sorts,
Speaker 1: but the way people get there is very different, and
Speaker 1: that's why we've done episodes on conflict styles before, because
Speaker 1: there are conflict styles and people deal with it in
Speaker 1: different ways. Some people can't sit there and talk about
Speaker 1: it straight away totally. People need to walk away, have
Speaker 1: a breather, have a think, because they react differently once
Speaker 1: they do. Like, there are so many different ways that
Speaker 1: people react in any given situation. So the resolution I
Speaker 1: think for any conflict is imperative. It's just in what
Speaker 1: way it suits you. I also don't go.
Speaker 3: To bed angry. There's also a difference.
Speaker 1: What I want to say is and I don't know
Speaker 1: if I know how to word this properly, but there
Speaker 1: is a difference with you, So you don't you don't
Speaker 1: talk to your partner for days on end. Right, you
Speaker 1: can still be upset at something someone has done and
Speaker 1: someone has said, and you can still let them know that,
Speaker 1: but still be respectful and loving it the same way.
Speaker 1: So I feel like, if you guys have an argument
Speaker 1: or an issue and they've said something hurtful, you can
Speaker 1: still say to them, Okay, good night, I love you.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about this tomorrow, because you still do love them. Right,
Speaker 1: It's just that they're upset. You can see, I'm really
Speaker 1: upset by what you said. You know, I love you.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about it tomorrow because I don't want to
Speaker 1: deal with it right now. Like you can still be
Speaker 1: respectful in a situation and still let your partner know
Speaker 1: that something isn't quite right yet and you need to
Speaker 1: work on something.
Speaker 3: I think that's really important.
Speaker 1: I don't love conflict at all, but I don't sit
Speaker 1: in it, and I don't get angry at someone and
Speaker 1: not talk for days on end.
Speaker 3: I will do exactly what I've just said.
Speaker 1: Then, if I'm really upset by something, I don't let
Speaker 1: it interfere with the relationship as such. I'll be like,
Speaker 1: I just can't really talk to you at the moment
Speaker 1: because I'm upset by what you said, but like you know,
Speaker 1: I love you.
Speaker 3: I'll call you in the morning or whatever it is.
Speaker 1: And I think that's really important to never ever go
Speaker 1: to bed angry, because it doesn't do anything for you either.
Speaker 3: It festers.
Speaker 1: You go to bed and you think about it the
Speaker 1: entire night. They think about it the entire night. It
Speaker 1: elongates the fight.
Speaker 2: Well, I mean, this is what I mean by it
Speaker 2: breeds resentment. The problem is is that if you never
Speaker 2: ever ever talk about your conflict in any way, if
Speaker 2: you just completely stay silent and then you have to
Speaker 2: internally get over it, it creates such a void in
Speaker 2: a relationship over a long period of time, where you
Speaker 2: feel like your partner doesn't know you, or you feel
Speaker 2: like your partner doesn't respect you, or you feel like
Speaker 2: you have this lack of connection. Think it comes down
Speaker 2: to being conflict avoidant. If you're someone who's conflict avoidant,
Speaker 2: you're so fearful about like things escalating or how it's
Speaker 2: going to be interpreted, or maybe your partner is not
Speaker 2: good at conflict and they I'm not gonna say temper
Speaker 2: because that's a whole other thing, but their reaction to
Speaker 2: it is not something that seems fair, so it's easier
Speaker 2: to just ignore it. But I do think that there
Speaker 2: has to be a happy middle ground between how you
Speaker 2: deal with this, because not every single conflict can be
Speaker 2: dealt with by not dealing with it. And I think
Speaker 2: that you pick your battles. You don't have to talk
Speaker 2: about every single thing, but the things that are really important,
Speaker 2: the things that you need to see.
Speaker 3: Eye to eye on.
Speaker 2: You have to have the courage to say, you know,
Speaker 2: this hurt me, and this is why I feel like
Speaker 2: this because it's the validation of.
Speaker 3: Having your partner understand you that's really powerful. It's not
Speaker 3: even the validation.
Speaker 1: The question is doesn't need to be understanding when there
Speaker 1: are issues, absolutely, because if there's not and you just
Speaker 1: you're like, I'll get over it in a couple of days,
Speaker 1: it's going to be a reoccurring issue because you haven't
Speaker 1: let them know it's an issue and you haven't told
Speaker 1: them why it's bothering you. If somebody doesn't know what
Speaker 1: they've done, why it hurts you, it's going to be
Speaker 1: something that continues to come up in the relationships, so
Speaker 1: you need to make sure they do understand.
Speaker 2: I think there's a very big difference though, and I
Speaker 2: think it would be remiss of us not to touch on it.
Speaker 2: There's a very big difference between understanding and agreeing. You
Speaker 2: don't have to agree with the reasons, but you do
Speaker 2: have to accept that someone feels the way they feel
Speaker 2: it may not be valid. And I really also think
Speaker 2: it's sometimes important to touch on the fact that, like,
Speaker 2: not all feelings are valids. You could be angry about something,
Speaker 2: but in retrospect, like unpack what happened and your feeling
Speaker 2: of anger or frustration or whatever it was, was not
Speaker 2: a necessarily reasonable reaction to what happened with the beauty
Speaker 2: of hindsight, right, But like sometimes in the moment where like, well,
Speaker 2: this is the way I feel, and people often use.
Speaker 3: That as I respect my feeling. Yeah, well people often.
Speaker 2: Use that as a tool now in arguments like well
Speaker 2: this is how I feel, and it's like, great, I
Speaker 2: understand you feel like that, but I'm not necessarily responsible
Speaker 2: for all of your feelings that you feel like that.
Speaker 2: That's a horrible thing to say to someone in the
Speaker 2: moment when they are feeling like it. But I think
Speaker 2: that sometimes we have to be self aware enough. I
Speaker 2: guess my big take home from this is like there
Speaker 2: has to be a healthy middle ground. You can't ignore
Speaker 2: every conflict that happens in your life, and you can't
Speaker 2: go to war on every single thing either. But it
Speaker 2: all comes back to the number one thing ding ding
Speaker 2: ding that we talk about constantly is communication. How do
Speaker 2: you communicate with your partner? Why are you not able
Speaker 2: to have conversations with him when there is conflict? Why
Speaker 2: do you avoid it so fundamentally?
Speaker 3: Is that a you issue? Is that a him issue?
Speaker 2: Get to the bottom of that and it might help
Speaker 2: you to better understand how you can navigate conflict with
Speaker 2: your partner.
Speaker 3: Okay. Question number three is a bit of a random one.
Speaker 1: I just had a convo with a guy that I
Speaker 1: was sort of seeing last year. He slid back into
Speaker 1: my DMS after ghosting me and said he thought about
Speaker 1: this ghosting moment a few times and he just wanted
Speaker 1: to apologize for being and dick. I accepted the apology
Speaker 1: and we kept chatting that day.
Speaker 3: We chatted for about a week. Then last night, I said,
Speaker 3: so silly.
Speaker 1: Last night I sent him a mem of a cat
Speaker 1: because he has a cat. Now, the cat is very
Speaker 1: important in this story. We started chatting got onto the
Speaker 1: topic of dating and so on. I asked if he
Speaker 1: thought things would be different or the same if we
Speaker 1: dated now, because he recognized he wasn't ready and he
Speaker 1: was still hung up on his ex before anyway. He said,
Speaker 1: m things would probably be the same and we aren't
Speaker 1: compatible for serious dating. I pushed back and asked why
Speaker 1: he felt that we weren't compatible, and he said, in
Speaker 1: an awkward voice, it's because of her dog.
Speaker 3: I mean, I just think this is an excuse.
Speaker 2: So okay, he has an issue that she has a
Speaker 2: dog and he has a cat, and so he thinks
Speaker 2: that that makes them fundamentally not compatible.
Speaker 1: Well, because she said her dog is a small, non
Speaker 1: barkie toy poodle which is hypoellergenic. It's sleep trained, it's
Speaker 1: create trained, he has his own room, he's got grandparents.
Speaker 3: That baby.
Speaker 2: I just need I have to stop, Like, honestly, can
Speaker 2: I just say this is one of those situations where
Speaker 2: the book the movie is screaming at me.
Speaker 3: He's just not that into you.
Speaker 2: That's what this is. This is an excuse. He had
Speaker 2: an excuse before, he's got an excuse again. Before it
Speaker 2: was the ex girlfriend. Now it's the cat. And I
Speaker 2: know that that's harsh.
Speaker 3: I know that shit.
Speaker 2: But if you're having to ask someone like can you
Speaker 2: see yourself dating me?
Speaker 3: What do you think?
Speaker 6: Like?
Speaker 2: Shall we do it?
Speaker 6: No?
Speaker 1: You don't say, but why like or you can us
Speaker 1: white it's after a week.
Speaker 3: It's okay to ask for closure.
Speaker 2: It's all okay to say, well, what are the reasons
Speaker 2: why you don't think we're it compatible? If that's okay,
Speaker 2: that's fine. Garnering information can be a great thing. But
Speaker 2: if they give you that information and you don't agree
Speaker 2: with it. It's irrelevant because the thing is is like,
Speaker 2: you don't want to be dating someone where you had
Speaker 2: to convince them to date you, especially if they're coming
Speaker 2: up with reasons that are as insignificant and stupid as
Speaker 2: the fact that they have a cat and you have
Speaker 2: a dog. It's not that it's insignificant, it it's not.
Speaker 1: It could be debilitating in a relationship if one has
Speaker 1: a tiny little kiden and one has a super aggressive dog.
Speaker 1: There's not a llowed outside of the house like of course,
Speaker 1: but in this situation it comes back to the very
Speaker 1: simple if you wanted to he would for the right person,
Speaker 1: he would probably date someone with a Tyrannosaurus Rex as
Speaker 1: a pet.
Speaker 3: Like there is a deeper issue here, and that is
Speaker 3: exactly that. It just doesn't sound like he is that
Speaker 3: into you unfortunately, which sucks.
Speaker 2: But also like, don't invest any more time, invest any
Speaker 2: more time in someone who has said that they're not
Speaker 2: into you enough twice now, because that's what he's done.
Speaker 2: He said it once and now he said it again.
Speaker 2: And I know that you obviously have big, strong feelings
Speaker 2: for him, but sometimes we can we can create I
Speaker 2: don't want to say create the relationship, but we can
Speaker 2: create the potential in our head. You have seen this guy,
Speaker 2: you think that the two of you have so much potential,
Speaker 2: which maybe you would if he would give it a chance.
Speaker 2: But he is not seeing the potential that you're seeing.
Speaker 2: And potential is only that right, It is not a relationship.
Speaker 2: It's not even indicative of a good relationship. You could
Speaker 2: start dating this guy and he could be an absolute flog.
Speaker 2: So I think, like, don't waste any more mental energy
Speaker 2: on it. The only other thing I want to say
Speaker 2: is you bring up a very good point. I said,
Speaker 2: this is stupid and this is just an excuse, but
Speaker 2: I think it's more interesting to unpack the very real
Speaker 2: situation of having something in your life, I e. A cat,
Speaker 2: because like I used to have a cat and a
Speaker 2: dog and they were best friends. So cat and dogs
Speaker 2: don't instantly mean that they're not compatible. But if you
Speaker 2: have a cat that is like severely adverse to do
Speaker 2: like neurotic around dogs, or you have a dog that
Speaker 2: is completely neurotic around cats and wants to rip them apart,
Speaker 2: And then you meet someone who you really really vibe
Speaker 2: with and you like and you've started dating but you're
Speaker 2: in a situation where you have two pets or two
Speaker 2: animals that cannot coexist together.
Speaker 3: What do you do?
Speaker 2: There's an expectation that one person's going to get rid
Speaker 2: of their animal. I would love to know how people
Speaker 2: navigate that situation.
Speaker 3: This is the thing, right when you're in.
Speaker 1: The early days, and I mean this was I think
Speaker 1: you said you spoke for a week.
Speaker 3: But let's not even use this example. Let's use any example.
Speaker 1: You've met someone for a week, you've chatted online, you've
Speaker 1: gone on two dates.
Speaker 3: There are so many aspects.
Speaker 1: Of their life that do need to match up with
Speaker 1: you to date, political views, family views, morals. Do you
Speaker 1: want the same thing? Are you at the same point
Speaker 1: in life? And also it sounds silly, but it's not.
Speaker 1: But their lifestyle, their lifestyle includes animals. If you are
Speaker 1: severely allergic to an animal and they have two cats
Speaker 1: and a dog, then it's not going to be a
Speaker 1: match for you because you physically aren't going.
Speaker 3: To be able to get through the relationship.
Speaker 5: Right.
Speaker 1: It's not like the love of your life and you've
Speaker 1: been dating them for six months and then they inherit
Speaker 1: a cat from their somebody. This is one week in
Speaker 1: and it is I think can be a reason to
Speaker 1: not want to continue to date someone You've known them
Speaker 1: for a week and you've gone two days. If I
Speaker 1: was dating someone they had a really aggressive dog. Every
Speaker 1: time they got with my dog, they wanted to tear
Speaker 1: each other's throats out, I just wouldn't keep dating them.
Speaker 1: I've known them for a week. You don't keep trying
Speaker 1: to kill my dog. It's not gonna work because I'm
Speaker 1: never giving my dog up.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And then the expectation would be like, well, does
Speaker 2: that mean you have to give your dog up?
Speaker 3: And I will never tell that.
Speaker 1: To somebody exactly, so I think like people will laugh
Speaker 1: at this, like but also in this situation, I actually
Speaker 1: don't think that's the reason.
Speaker 3: I think he's probably just not dating to I.
Speaker 2: Broke up with a guy who was allergic to animals
Speaker 2: when I had I had a cat and a dog,
Speaker 2: and he was severely allergic to animals with hair, and
Speaker 2: I was like, well, this is just not going to work.
Speaker 3: How can they be seen him for maybe a month.
Speaker 2: He came over to my house a couple of times,
Speaker 2: and every time he just did not stop fucking complaining.
Speaker 3: And I get it. He was sick.
Speaker 2: Of course, he was complaining the poor guy had allergies,
Speaker 2: couldn't bring That's what I mean, the life lives. But
Speaker 2: I was like, we can't like their lives.
Speaker 3: Not changes his life one hundred percent.
Speaker 2: And I was like, I could only go and stay
Speaker 2: at his house, which was then a total inconvenience to
Speaker 2: me because I had to try and organize pet sitters.
Speaker 2: I liked him so much, but I was like, this
Speaker 2: can't actually go anywhere because this is such an inconvenient
Speaker 2: relationship for both of us. Yeah, and I think sometimes
Speaker 2: you just have to be honest with yourself, but in
Speaker 2: this instance, this is unfortunately. If you ever have to
Speaker 2: try and convince someone as to why you are compatible,
Speaker 2: especially in those early days. I get it if it's
Speaker 2: a long term relationship and you're going through struggles and
Speaker 2: someone's unsure, there's more in an investment. But if you're
Speaker 2: having to convince someone who you've just started dating all
Speaker 2: the reasons why you should be dating, just fucking move on.
Speaker 3: Don't invest that time there. Totally.
Speaker 1: I'd love to actually know, like maybe we could do
Speaker 1: a little call out out of curiosity. I'd love to
Speaker 1: know how many of you have had to well, you've
Speaker 1: had to end a relationship where it hasn't worked because
Speaker 1: of this kind of a situation, or they've had to
Speaker 1: do it reverse like this. I'd love just just out
Speaker 1: of curiosity, because I reckon it's pretty common. Maybe it
Speaker 1: was poll it produce Keisha add to your notes.
Speaker 3: That is it from us, guys.
Speaker 2: If you have a question for asking on cut, slide
Speaker 2: into the DMS.
Speaker 3: We love your deep, dark and scary conundrums.
Speaker 2: Also, if you have anything that's like a little bit spicy,
Speaker 2: let us know what do our best to answer them.
Speaker 2: You can also follow us on TikTok and Instagram, which
Speaker 2: is Life Uncut podcast and also during the discussion group
Speaker 2: as keach manentered earlier Life Uncut Discussion group.
Speaker 3: And that's it.
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