Speaker 1: Oh no, Well, well I'll just ship myself.
Speaker 2: I'm pretty sure I can't tell you joking or I'm
Speaker 2: not joking. Do you want to stop recording? You want
Speaker 2: to do? You want to let me check.
Speaker 1: I'll be right back.
Speaker 2: Welcome back to Two Going Dads. I'm Mattie Jay and
Speaker 2: I'm This is a podcast that happens to be all
Speaker 2: about parenting, the good.
Speaker 1: The bad, and the relatable.
Speaker 2: And if you've come for advice, I'm really sorry to
Speaker 2: say that you should stop listening right now because none
Speaker 2: will be given.
Speaker 1: Zero, not intentionally.
Speaker 2: You don't know what that fuck you're doing. But we're
Speaker 2: trying hard.
Speaker 1: Yes, that's really what parenting is all about. It's just
Speaker 1: trying hard, try your very best. It probably won't be
Speaker 1: good enough, but try anyway.
Speaker 2: But when you get nice, a nice guy in there
Speaker 2: somewhere deep deep down, whenever it comes up, I can
Speaker 2: just see you, like forcing it back down, get back
Speaker 2: down there.
Speaker 1: Do not show anybody that you're a nice person whatsoever.
Speaker 2: Before we get into the episode, we do have to
Speaker 2: mention there is a little exciting competition on right now
Speaker 2: with better beer.
Speaker 1: Yes, Matthew, it is to win a bitcoin.
Speaker 2: Well, there's two bit coins.
Speaker 1: There are two bitcoin At the.
Speaker 2: Time of recording, they have not been found.
Speaker 1: Yeah, correct, as far as I know. And look, if
Speaker 1: you want clues, please follow the Better Beer and the
Speaker 1: two Doting Dads Instagram.
Speaker 2: They gave one about Lord of the Rings. Don't have
Speaker 2: any idea with that. Did you hear there's a guy
Speaker 2: who bought nineteen cases from a bottleshelp. His name was Ashton.
Speaker 1: Wis joke's on you because I didn't buy them. Yes,
Speaker 1: so there's two bit coins. Okay, make sure you follow
Speaker 1: Better Beer because on this story they do give out
Speaker 1: little hints. It's only for the low calorie zero car beer,
Speaker 1: which is the original Better Beer. I have one here
Speaker 1: today which will open and check. Hopefully. One thing is crime.
Speaker 1: We don't know exactly, especially mark case. It'll say on
Speaker 1: there and you'll see that has a QR COD for
Speaker 1: more information and t's and c's, etc.
Speaker 2: We don't know how you know that you've won, but
Speaker 2: what they have said is that it's of you all know.
Speaker 2: It's obvious. So where I mean? The prices for bitcoin
Speaker 2: fluctoids all the time, but ballpark, you're looking at forty
Speaker 2: five k per bitcoin.
Speaker 1: At the moment.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a lot of money.
Speaker 1: You never know, you never know what's going to happen.
Speaker 1: Check the website better be dot com dot a U.
Speaker 2: The states who aren't in the running.
Speaker 1: Are South Australia, Northern Territory and and the ac T.
Speaker 1: Look at you, Nanny States baby information.
Speaker 2: For more information, head to better Beer dot com dot
Speaker 2: you should.
Speaker 1: I see if there's one in this one mate, please Okay,
Speaker 1: So I'll tired. Everybody body make rain just beer and
Speaker 1: you're on the zero out again because Matt is doing
Speaker 1: dry July. I'm doing the complete opposite of that, where
Speaker 1: it's monsoon or July. Matthew, Before we get started, I
Speaker 1: do have a question for you. Go shoot, has Marla
Speaker 1: Loola ever been bullied? You know of.
Speaker 2: A little bit.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't just like harmless. I wouldn't get that age like.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like the level of bullying is always just like, yeah,
Speaker 2: one of the kids has a toy. I know, the
Speaker 2: kid comes over, maybe a little argie bargie, bit of
Speaker 2: a push, but that's as far as it has gone.
Speaker 1: I think no wedges or name calling, like like with
Speaker 1: any substance, no correct at this stage. So like saying
Speaker 1: like Oscar being four. I mean, you don't have any boys. Obviously,
Speaker 1: it's a bit different with boys. They're sort of a
Speaker 1: bit more rough and tumble, but it's quite a it's
Speaker 1: quite a de good boy would say. He's you know,
Speaker 1: he's careful, very careful, gets that from mum. Mum's really
Speaker 1: careful to get of the motion. And yeah, every now
Speaker 1: and then he's like, you know this boy, let's just
Speaker 1: call him Sam. It's not Sam for Sam's dad. Who's listening,
Speaker 1: Like he who was meaning to me, pushed me over
Speaker 1: or something like that. Boy's been Yeah, daycare. Sometimes they
Speaker 1: run into each other at the park, or it could
Speaker 1: be another kid, you know, which it's fine. We say look,
Speaker 1: you just say stop it. I don't like her, walk away,
Speaker 1: go play with someone else. You try and do the
Speaker 1: right thing. But I've sprung April. She didn't know I
Speaker 1: was listening. And those of you who know my wife
Speaker 1: or don't know my wife's she's not like an aggressive person.
Speaker 2: She's a sweeter. She's like a beautiful little sunflower.
Speaker 1: Okay, that's my wife. So he came home from KINDI
Speaker 1: one day and we're all upstairs. I'm in the other
Speaker 1: room with Macy and Oscar sort of telling this story
Speaker 1: as kids, just like, oh, you know, he was mean,
Speaker 1: he pushed me over. There's no real substance to it.
Speaker 1: It's nothing to really alarm. It's not like they shaming
Speaker 1: him or whatever. And April goes, oh, that's okay. All
Speaker 1: you do, okay is say beat it, Sam or I'll
Speaker 1: beat you yes, And I was like, whoa, since when
Speaker 1: are we teaching violence in this house? Coming out of
Speaker 1: my five foot four, blonde, tiny wife.
Speaker 2: Is this I will fuck you up, Sam, take this
Speaker 2: kitchen and if he fucks with you again, just shank him.
Speaker 1: What you do is you get all the kids that
Speaker 1: you like and know and surround him and shank him.
Speaker 1: That's pretty much what she's saying.
Speaker 2: What did you say? Because it was like.
Speaker 1: A First of all, I kept my mouth shut because
Speaker 1: there's enough things that come out of Oscar's mouth that shouldn't.
Speaker 1: Like this morning he called me a dickhead? Where does
Speaker 1: he get that from?
Speaker 2: Facts?
Speaker 1: Fact, he's just spitting facts at me because the other
Speaker 1: day he was doing something wrong and I said, you
Speaker 1: let made yourself look like a dickhead, And now he's
Speaker 1: called me.
Speaker 2: I do think, yeah, you know, call me crazy? I
Speaker 2: would have thought that type of advice would have come
Speaker 2: from you. No, not to say that, you know you're
Speaker 2: condoning violence, Ash, But she seems like such a peaceful woman. Yeah,
Speaker 2: you look like someone who likes to throw fists.
Speaker 1: Nah. No, I've only ever been in like one or
Speaker 1: two fights in my life like you.
Speaker 2: If anyone is not familiar with what Ash looks like,
Speaker 2: he's got tats, I look, he's scary. Scary.
Speaker 1: You saw my Did you see my Mexican game?
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, Jesus. It took me about a month of
Speaker 2: hanging out with you before I was finally no longer
Speaker 2: nervous being in a.
Speaker 1: Room alone just because I shanked you.
Speaker 2: I was always just holding onto my wallet, prison Ash.
Speaker 1: They caught me prison Ash around here. I would usually
Speaker 1: say to Oscar something along the lines of just hit
Speaker 1: him back.
Speaker 2: But I thought you were going to say, like, just
Speaker 2: walk away.
Speaker 1: No, No, I would we really encouraged to stop it.
Speaker 1: I don't like it. Macy doesn't understand that, So I
Speaker 1: was like, you're bigger. So I didn't say anything, and
Speaker 1: then I left it. And then when April and I
Speaker 1: were downstairs without the kids, I said, didn't know he
Speaker 1: had such a violent side, and she was like.
Speaker 2: Shut the fuck up, like.
Speaker 1: I just got to be the knife she was. I
Speaker 1: was like, what do you mean. I was like, I
Speaker 1: heard you say beat it or I'll beat you. And
Speaker 1: she was like sound advice. And I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: so if my kid beats your kid, my wife is
Speaker 1: a wonderblank wasn't me because Oscar couldn't beat his way
Speaker 1: out of a wet paper bag. So I worry too much.
Speaker 1: But I like to think that the more sensible way
Speaker 1: is to follow the kid home and burn his house down.
Speaker 2: For any of your listeners right now, welcome to the podcast. Yeah, welcome. Hey,
Speaker 2: I do have to just pull us up on a
Speaker 2: few mistakes that we made ash in the past.
Speaker 1: I've told you this. I'm not always right neither, I'm
Speaker 1: never wrong.
Speaker 2: No, we're not perfect, and we don't try and be perfect,
Speaker 2: but we have had a few mistakes so far.
Speaker 1: So I'm going to just sounds really serious. It's well like, I.
Speaker 2: Mean, I wasn't even going to pull us up on this,
Speaker 2: but I thought, you know, what.
Speaker 1: Are you reprimanding me?
Speaker 2: No? Both of us?
Speaker 1: Oh, okay, we both so we've collectively fucked up.
Speaker 2: Correct? Correct? You've got one, I've got one, and I
Speaker 2: you know, I thought to myself, I want to be
Speaker 2: treated as a really serious publication, if you can call
Speaker 2: us that.
Speaker 1: We just said don't. First of all, we start the
Speaker 1: episode we don't don't take any advice that's not very
Speaker 1: serious too. We also talked about burning kids' houses down
Speaker 1: and beating kids.
Speaker 2: But now now you want to pull out on something
Speaker 2: we fucked up on, go one eighty and be like,
Speaker 2: we want to be serious. So the first mistake that
Speaker 2: I made. Do you remember a few episodes ago, we
Speaker 2: did the question of how did you find out that
Speaker 2: you were pregnant? Do you remember you told the story
Speaker 2: you were overseas? Oh, yes, yes, I told the story
Speaker 2: of how I made the salmon dish for Laura and
Speaker 2: she didn't like it, and yes, there he is. And
Speaker 2: I came home and you Laura goes, how was the podcast?
Speaker 2: And I always say it was incredible, had such a
Speaker 2: great time with Ash, And she goes, what did you
Speaker 2: talk about? And I said, well, I spoke about how
Speaker 2: you found out that you were pregnant for the first time.
Speaker 2: And she's like, oh, yeah, what did you say? And
Speaker 2: I told the story and she looked at me like
Speaker 2: a weird look in her face, and she goes, that
Speaker 2: never happened?
Speaker 1: What?
Speaker 2: And I was like, what do you mean? She's like,
Speaker 2: I don't know what you were talking about. But there
Speaker 2: was no salmon dish. There was no like that. Never,
Speaker 2: that was never a thing. I've just made it up.
Speaker 1: Just my memory is just you've made that up.
Speaker 2: Well I thought that's how I remember how it happened,
Speaker 2: vividly but completely wrong. Apparently we were out to breakfast
Speaker 2: with some friends and she ate porridge dish. But yeah,
Speaker 2: so I have to say that I'm sorry. I've lied
Speaker 2: to the listeners.
Speaker 1: So where did this story come from? Then? So you
Speaker 1: lied to me?
Speaker 2: Motah, hey, and I'm coming clean.
Speaker 1: Well maybe maybe you're out to dinner, I mean breakfast,
Speaker 1: No salmon benedict, and you thought what's wrong with that?
Speaker 1: Just having hang on a second, who goes to a
Speaker 1: restaurant and buys porridge? Poor people eat porridge?
Speaker 2: That's yeah, I don't know. So I love porridge. But
Speaker 2: so I just want to say apologies for getting those
Speaker 2: facts wrong. There was no salmon dish. My mistake, So
Speaker 2: your mistake ash the one that you made. I think
Speaker 2: there might have been the same.
Speaker 1: Can't be a bigger deal than a bigger deal than that.
Speaker 2: No, it's medical based. It might have been the same episode,
Speaker 2: but we talked about the pregnancy. Well it was the
Speaker 2: same episode.
Speaker 1: I said, you dip it in eight reel pulled me
Speaker 1: up and she was like, who's dipping it in? And
Speaker 1: I was like, I just thought you dipped it into
Speaker 1: the toilet. Wouldn't you get the same result?
Speaker 2: Well apparently not. Apparently not. And I'm just saying, oh,
Speaker 2: we were fucking way off the mark for anyone, if
Speaker 2: anyone out there who doesn't know how the pregnancy test works.
Speaker 1: Your pee on the stick, But I thought you could
Speaker 1: either pee on the stick or dip it into the
Speaker 1: toilet paper, not dip it into your vagina.
Speaker 2: It needs to be a heavier stream. So, just if
Speaker 2: I may ash, most tests allow you to either place
Speaker 2: the absorbent tip in your urine stream, usually for five seconds,
Speaker 2: or dip the tip in a collected hang on, hang
Speaker 2: on and a collected urine sample, so you'd have to
Speaker 2: like in a cup. So I'm not wrong, no, because
Speaker 2: you were saying dip it in the toil. Oh, yeah,
Speaker 2: like that's it's going to be a contaminated tomato. So anyway,
Speaker 2: so we got we got it wrong. We got it wrong.
Speaker 1: Yours is worse than mine.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I can't even remember how mine was.
Speaker 1: Just using my I call mine, using my imagination, dip
Speaker 1: it in. Yeah, yeah, I mean, there's so many ways
Speaker 1: you can skin a cat, Matthew.
Speaker 2: So we have a few people. When we get things wrong,
Speaker 2: they tell us, and I appreciate that they love to
Speaker 2: tell us, and I'll always correct us in the future.
Speaker 1: No fuck them, Okay, okay, okay, I'm just going to
Speaker 1: loosely tell people what I think and if you if
Speaker 1: you have a problem.
Speaker 2: With that, that's on you.
Speaker 1: Take it up with someone who cares, which which is me,
Speaker 1: which is Matthew. Okay, well, I'm glad that you brought
Speaker 1: those mistakes up. Now I've just learned something because April
Speaker 1: already said to me, she was like the facts deeping
Speaker 1: it in.
Speaker 2: I was like, gad sense to me.
Speaker 1: That's what we did say. After that, we were like,
Speaker 1: we don't know because we've got no idea, so that
Speaker 1: theoretically get to solve the hook.
Speaker 2: I do like though, how it took me thirty six
Speaker 2: years to understand how pregnancy tests with your aunt actually works,
Speaker 2: And now I know sok about how many men listening
Speaker 2: right now are learning this for the very first time.
Speaker 2: And to them, you're welcome.
Speaker 1: You are welcome. So some say you don't learn anything
Speaker 1: from us, bullshit, you do. Now, I wanted to talk
Speaker 1: to you ort to bring back ups of a snake
Speaker 1: maybe other people's mistakes. So we had a laugh about
Speaker 1: how we don't understand how people can listen to us
Speaker 1: while they exercise such a fucking weird concepts.
Speaker 2: So strange. Except everyone I see now running with a
Speaker 2: phone in their hand, I think, are they listening to
Speaker 2: a podcast right now?
Speaker 1: They're listening to us. We had a lovely listener writing
Speaker 1: and by the name of Jessica. Jess she was listening
Speaker 1: to us, and she laughed uncontrollably to the point where
Speaker 1: she fell over on a main road. Now she says, here,
Speaker 1: I fell over on a main road in front of
Speaker 1: about one hundred people, out the front of a dog
Speaker 1: park slash skatepark slash soccer field and playground. She said
Speaker 1: she might have to start listening to my running playlist instead,
Speaker 1: And she sent us a photo of her bruised hip.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, it's solid.
Speaker 1: That's a solid bruise. So there you go.
Speaker 2: It's dan Like, what how was she laughing so much
Speaker 2: that she could no longer find the ability to run?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I know it's crazy. And I also
Speaker 1: had a mate that said to me, oh, I listened
Speaker 1: to all of your podcasts, like back to back, and
Speaker 1: he said, I went at night. I went for run
Speaker 1: in like a bush whatever.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: It was dark and he had his Blue Shieth headphones
Speaker 1: in obviously, and he was running and he said his
Speaker 1: phone flung out of his pocket. It's pitch black, and
Speaker 1: he said, all like, could hear it was your nasally
Speaker 1: annoying voice while I'm searching around the bush for twenty
Speaker 1: minutes trying to find my phone.
Speaker 2: Who are these people exercising? That's what you get. But
Speaker 2: that bruise you just showed me, that reminds me of
Speaker 2: an injury that I'm currently carrying.
Speaker 1: Oh, sex related injury?
Speaker 2: You wish this is my story from Fiji? Oh ash
Speaker 2: I didn't tell this one. I didn't think it was
Speaker 2: I didn't think there was anything, partly because it was
Speaker 2: just really fucking embarrassing.
Speaker 1: But they're the ones I want to hear the listeners
Speaker 1: want to hear Maddie j Australia's favorite bachelor, completely embarrassing
Speaker 1: himself in another country. There's nothing more entertaining than that.
Speaker 2: Well, this is perfect. So I used to be quite
Speaker 2: a good athlete, ash. I was hib the first fifteen
Speaker 2: in high school.
Speaker 1: In high school, there's a long time ago. Yeah, twenty.
Speaker 1: It's like saying you were you were the crew trainer
Speaker 1: at McDonald's. Oh, how embarrassing.
Speaker 2: I do really like my football. I like my footing,
Speaker 2: and I like to think that I've still got it.
Speaker 1: Oh we all. Any man in their thirties thinks they
Speaker 1: still have.
Speaker 2: It, still have it? I look in the mirror and.
Speaker 1: Why we wear jerseys just in case we get subbed
Speaker 1: in getting the call up.
Speaker 2: We went to the cafe this morning before the podcast recording.
Speaker 2: There was a dad with a footing in his hand.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he was doing the he was goose stepping, he
Speaker 1: was he was just standing there. He was dummying to
Speaker 1: no one, like the way of water pass.
Speaker 2: As soon as you see a football being thrown around,
Speaker 2: it's just that triggers. Yeah, it's like a dog whistle,
Speaker 2: literally is. We were sitting by the resort there was
Speaker 2: like the main pool and everyone's sitting there chilling out.
Speaker 2: And in the distance I saw some of the Fijian
Speaker 2: boys and they're the ones that look after the water
Speaker 2: sports and they're like the activity.
Speaker 1: Guys, and it was just the Fiji sevens off season.
Speaker 1: They're just down there.
Speaker 2: Passing the football. And I saw him one day and
Speaker 2: I didn't want to get involved. I just I clocked
Speaker 2: it and I was like, no, no, no, I'm going.
Speaker 1: To You had to resist your primal urges to be
Speaker 1: like football football. That's a perfect spiral.
Speaker 2: But then I walked over the next day and I
Speaker 2: was like, you know, hands up, have you hear fell?
Speaker 1: I was just like, okay, white boy, do you know
Speaker 1: how to catch?
Speaker 2: I'm like half the size of such a little, a
Speaker 2: little dweeb. They're big boys as well. We had a
Speaker 2: few passes and then they said, why don't we play
Speaker 2: a game? I thought, I full contact wish what I say?
Speaker 2: I thought you'd never asked. You were like, just start ejaculated.
Speaker 1: He was like, I don't actually want to play this one.
Speaker 2: As you ask me to play, start walking back.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was needed that.
Speaker 2: We start having a little game. And it's been a
Speaker 2: while since i've I've actually played in a touch of tag,
Speaker 2: so I was a little bit rusty. And I found
Speaker 2: out later on that these boys actually on the island.
Speaker 2: They're part of the sevens team, so they play.
Speaker 1: Well, they are part of the islands.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, they're not like, you know, pro, but they
Speaker 2: you know, they're decent.
Speaker 1: Like, hey, we've got like suburbs, they just got islands.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 2: And at the start, you don't know what level to take.
Speaker 2: You don't want to come out all guns blake.
Speaker 1: You don't want to be that guy, right and you know,
Speaker 1: just like why didn't you look.
Speaker 2: And put on hits? But we started, we started pretty
Speaker 2: easy and then they were really a lot better than
Speaker 2: I am. That may surprise you, ash, but we started
Speaker 2: a bit serious. There was there was me, another New
Speaker 2: Zealand dad came along, and then these Fijian boys is
Speaker 2: four on four and we were down a few tries
Speaker 2: and you know, the underdogs here and we you know,
Speaker 2: we've been playing for a little while, and we kind
Speaker 2: of we all collectively said, hey, next try wins it
Speaker 2: all right, and then we can we'll go back to pack.
Speaker 1: Up to walk away without pride. I get to tell
Speaker 1: my wife how much of an athlete I am, and
Speaker 1: you don't have to tell her how much I'm not.
Speaker 1: That's the most important part.
Speaker 2: Because we're playing right in front of everybody, you know,
Speaker 2: great feats of athleticism. A few people came over and
Speaker 2: started to watch, you know, no, like Marley came down
Speaker 2: to me, like dad's playing with the boys, and she
Speaker 2: knows she's watching her dad. You know, why is daddy crying?
Speaker 2: So they kicked off and one of the Fijian guys
Speaker 2: on my team got the ball, puts on a step,
Speaker 2: makes a break and he's you know, we're probably about
Speaker 2: thirty meters away from the tryline, but there's.
Speaker 1: No Biggs's field.
Speaker 2: Oh it was big. It was big, and so he's
Speaker 2: now it's one on one right, and I'm there in
Speaker 2: the open.
Speaker 1: Like an overlap. You've got the overlap.
Speaker 2: No one in front of me except the tryline, just
Speaker 2: me and the tryline, and I'm just going to be sweet,
Speaker 2: and I'm also trying to keep up with Fijian so
Speaker 2: I'm full help, like full stripe like it z out
Speaker 2: through the soft sound.
Speaker 1: Just calling what was his name?
Speaker 2: I can't remember.
Speaker 1: You were just like my man.
Speaker 2: And He looks at me because I'm yelling at my
Speaker 2: hands out, and he kind of looks a bit nervous,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, just past the ball. And then I
Speaker 2: look up and there was the fucking volleyball. It's time
Speaker 2: to one indo a tree. The other is a pole
Speaker 2: in a tire that's filled with concrete. And I look
Speaker 2: at it just moments before I make impact and it
Speaker 2: hits me like you taken out by the volleyball. My
Speaker 2: arms like wrap around it, and it was like, oh
Speaker 2: my god. And everyone watching on the sidelines is like gasp.
Speaker 1: Is he gonna be okay? And you lost the game?
Speaker 1: They took an into zepped and you lost the game.
Speaker 2: That's great, like a U okay, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: I'm find out about me. Boys, I'm used to it.
Speaker 2: I'm like, literally I couldn't.
Speaker 1: You know when you winded, I'm good.
Speaker 2: You know when you try and walk it off, Yeah,
Speaker 2: as soon as you put any pressure on that limb,
Speaker 2: it gives.
Speaker 1: Away and you just like try and walk normal to
Speaker 1: you're out of start and you're.
Speaker 2: Like to Laura, I'm like, just give you the room.
Speaker 1: Keep to have ice in the room, please.
Speaker 2: Anyway, I'm not fucking playing footy for a while.
Speaker 1: How's the bruise?
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's pretty good. I'd show you, but it's like right.
Speaker 1: On my dick. That's right on your ego. Like I said,
Speaker 1: there's nothing funnier than a terroist making complete dick of
Speaker 1: themselves in another country. And I really really wish someone
Speaker 1: had that on camp.
Speaker 2: I know, I know it would be fucking hilarious. And
Speaker 2: every morning the Fijian.
Speaker 1: Boys it's made funny snickering.
Speaker 3: There's that guy, tell me loud, tell me.
Speaker 1: So, Matthew. This segment here where we get the lovely listeners,
Speaker 1: the parents to send us in their lies, what they
Speaker 1: tell their kids just to get by, just to.
Speaker 2: Help minimize any tantrums.
Speaker 1: And we're collectively sharing it. So if you are picking
Speaker 1: up on new lies, now, technically we are giving parenting advice,
Speaker 1: but it's not from us someone else.
Speaker 2: We are the parents for some reason. I used to
Speaker 2: have all these lies. I've kind of run dry on
Speaker 2: lies because I was on holiday. Did I mention I
Speaker 2: was on holiday? Ash?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I liked your way through Fiji.
Speaker 2: But we do get lots of great lives submitted. We
Speaker 2: pick out ones. Do you want to go first.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I've actually picked one that is from He is
Speaker 1: still a listener, but he's actually a friend of mine
Speaker 1: who had a little chuckle to himself because he's not
Speaker 1: a parent himself, but he loves to listen because he
Speaker 1: just loves to hear the sound of my voice.
Speaker 2: Who's he lying to? So just shut up.
Speaker 1: So he was on a plane and there was a
Speaker 1: young family behind him and the two kids were just
Speaker 1: obviously not doing what was asked of them at that stage,
Speaker 1: and the dad leans over and it says, well, that's it.
Speaker 1: The police are coming. And the kids were like, what
Speaker 1: what do you mean. He's like, well, I told you.
Speaker 1: If you don't stop what you're doing and do what
Speaker 1: I asked, and the police are coming, he called the
Speaker 1: police on them. It made me think, like, that's great.
Speaker 2: I haven't never done that.
Speaker 1: You'd never been like you're going to get locked up? No,
Speaker 1: I think it's a classic. I've heard it before. I
Speaker 1: actually haven't. I can't recall if I used it, but
Speaker 1: I think it's great. Like threatening your children with any
Speaker 1: law enforcement is top tier parenting if you ask me.
Speaker 1: My parenting result is what I like to call threat
Speaker 1: threatened parenting and it's for those of you listening to
Speaker 1: this thinking what a dickhead. It's completely fucking true.
Speaker 2: Do you ever though, have to do you have to
Speaker 2: follow through with a threat? Oh?
Speaker 1: Man, when I get the opportunity to throw that toy
Speaker 1: in the bin, I fucking slam dunk it like a
Speaker 1: Michael Jordan, don't jumping across the fucking couch and just
Speaker 1: like boom in the bin. And then I stand over
Speaker 1: the bin and the screaming child like I've just won
Speaker 1: a fucking trophy.
Speaker 2: How's the tantrument afterwards?
Speaker 1: I don't know, man, I'm too busy wrapped up.
Speaker 2: Because I've always done that, like you've got you've got
Speaker 2: three seconds one Zoe.
Speaker 1: I feel like I spend most of my day counting
Speaker 1: to I can count to three like a professional.
Speaker 2: It's funny, isn't it? How like kids? I'm not sure
Speaker 2: if Marley understands what police do, like I don't know
Speaker 2: if she would. If she would, I.
Speaker 1: Think you need to like educate her.
Speaker 2: So maybe if I see it, like with Siren, I
Speaker 2: would just go straight to Laura in order, just like
Speaker 2: you sit there and listening to.
Speaker 1: See that guy looks very happy, does he.
Speaker 2: Who's that rig on Lauren order the guy who's like
Speaker 2: just handsome? What's his name?
Speaker 1: Tea? You know I really like from CSI Miami, Horatio,
Speaker 1: what do you pull the glass? Well, looks like we've
Speaker 1: got our man. I could be like Oscar, see that.
Speaker 2: Watch out Horatios.
Speaker 1: If a redheaded guy with those glasses comes to the door. Yeah. Fuck,
Speaker 1: Actually just reminded me of something else that I lie about.
Speaker 1: Go on, well, we've got time in terms of punishing,
Speaker 1: punishing your children instead of like I used to do
Speaker 1: this thing where we've got a separate laundry upstairs. And
Speaker 1: I had made Oscar afraid of the washing machine strategically
Speaker 1: because I'm going to help it.
Speaker 2: It fucking annoys me so much when the washing machine's
Speaker 2: got ten minutes to go and the girls will always
Speaker 2: start pushing buttons and.
Speaker 1: No no, I've just made him afraid of it flat out.
Speaker 2: So what reason?
Speaker 1: So then when he's misbehaving, I said, I'll lock you
Speaker 1: in the laundry with the washing machine, you.
Speaker 2: Fucking asshole.
Speaker 1: Works because.
Speaker 2: Because it's on the spin cycle, it's like.
Speaker 1: It's like he eats kids. So I had made him
Speaker 1: and he said, like I locked my kid in the
Speaker 1: laundry and he just he loved it. I was like,
Speaker 1: that's because you haven't made him afraid enough of the
Speaker 1: washer and or dryer. You make them afraid of that,
Speaker 1: and then you say, I'm going to lock you in
Speaker 1: the room that that's in.
Speaker 2: You're under something, asking just having panic attacks whenever you
Speaker 2: guys do a load of washing.
Speaker 1: Oh it's a mess. We don't do washing when he's home.
Speaker 1: She's just like shaking between the dog being scared of
Speaker 1: rain and Oscar being scared of the washing machine. Everyone's
Speaker 1: just vibrating in my house.
Speaker 2: A psychologist when Oscar's like in his late twenties, trying
Speaker 2: to understand and unpack why he's so petrified of washing machines.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Dad lied to me and said that the washing
Speaker 1: machine needs children.
Speaker 2: Okay, I've gotta lie here. Ash and one of our
Speaker 2: lovely listeners. I won't say her full name, maybe she
Speaker 2: wants to be anonymous. I'll say that it's from Kathy. Okay,
Speaker 2: tell me what you think of this one. It's called
Speaker 2: the Birdie Lie trick. And you can use this if
Speaker 2: you're trying to get your child to go to daycare
Speaker 2: and they don't want to go, which is pretty much
Speaker 2: every day morning. So if that's the case, Ash, if
Speaker 2: you're struggling.
Speaker 1: With I get the kid. Like it's like when someone's
Speaker 1: when I did have a job, it was like you
Speaker 1: got to go to work, so I was like, oh god,
Speaker 1: I get it.
Speaker 2: I get it. So if you're struggling, you can say
Speaker 2: to your child, hey, guess what, there's a baby bird
Speaker 2: at daycare, and quick we better get there so you
Speaker 2: can have a hold and make sure you get your
Speaker 2: hands ready so you can get them to scoop their
Speaker 2: hands together like they're ready to hold a little birdie.
Speaker 2: And then when you get the deca, you can go, oh,
Speaker 2: so sorry you took too long. The birdie is now
Speaker 2: flown away, maybe tomorrow. And then once they start to
Speaker 2: clue onto the birdie, they said here, you can then
Speaker 2: change up the animal, so maybe one day it's a
Speaker 2: possum and then it can go to a puppy or
Speaker 2: maybe a kitten. It works every time.
Speaker 1: She says kids are so dumb, aren't they?
Speaker 2: She also says, yeah, as well, love the podcast. You
Speaker 2: boys are hilarious.
Speaker 1: Oh there you go, lovely. Look that's very creative. I've
Speaker 1: never heard that before. And I thought you were going
Speaker 1: to say the birdie died.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, you just it flew away. I don't
Speaker 2: think to traumatized or Lola has the attention span.
Speaker 1: I thought you were going to say, you put your
Speaker 1: hands together and you rope around, timing them back in
Speaker 1: the car.
Speaker 2: Get the yeah.
Speaker 1: Look, I don't know. I think I scold figure that out.
Speaker 1: I like where they're headed, though, like there's something there
Speaker 1: for them.
Speaker 2: To Yes, yes, creative. Let's go on to some listening questions.
Speaker 1: Before we do, I just want to say, continue to
Speaker 1: send the lies in. Yes, we get a lot, hopefully
Speaker 1: get to read yours, submit them, and matt will respond
Speaker 1: to them on the DM.
Speaker 2: I will respond. I'll be there. I'm always there waiting
Speaker 2: for the listeners to write down.
Speaker 1: I'll be watching anyway. Let's go into some questions, Matthew
Speaker 1: question from our listener, what is the grossest food combo
Speaker 1: that your children have eaten or tried to eat?
Speaker 2: So it's not really a far I guess it's it's
Speaker 2: a form of food, but it's not really like no
Speaker 2: one's serving this up. But what both my kids have
Speaker 2: started doing recently, and it's fucking disgusting. It really is.
Speaker 2: If I watch them do this, I start dry reaching
Speaker 2: and I don't know how to get them to stop
Speaker 2: doing this. You know, Marley, We've spoken before about the
Speaker 2: fact that Marley likes to suck her thumb and rub
Speaker 2: her nose. It's like a comfort thing. And now she's.
Speaker 1: Coming handy when she's older.
Speaker 2: I'm going to leave just so people know how much
Speaker 2: of an absolutely disgusting human being.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry once you no no, no, no, no, no no.
Speaker 2: It's staying in there. And see how once people realize
Speaker 2: who you really.
Speaker 1: Are, I love me, they don't bring that guy out.
Speaker 2: They love like this the edited version of but this
Speaker 2: is who he really is.
Speaker 1: A complete disgusting Yeah. Sorry.
Speaker 2: Now Marley and Lola have started to eat their boogets
Speaker 2: their boat.
Speaker 1: We call I called Oscar doing that yesterday.
Speaker 2: Like have you have you you know what it tastes like?
Speaker 1: Yeah, it tastes like me.
Speaker 2: Salty, right salty? Mm hmm yeah, are you into it?
Speaker 1: It's much nicer than ear wax. I've had a dabble.
Speaker 2: Really when like we're talking, he.
Speaker 1: Actually somewhere between seamen and obviously when I was a kid,
Speaker 1: I obviously didn't go back there. Like, but I've caught
Speaker 1: Oscar picking his nose and eating it.
Speaker 2: Oh man, it's just I've seen Marley's had these like huge,
Speaker 2: like this string of snot and she like rubs it
Speaker 2: between her fingers and looks at it, and I'm like,
Speaker 2: don't you dare.
Speaker 1: She's just like, yeah, look, I don't think it's a
Speaker 1: big deal. Unless they start to do that. We'll smear
Speaker 1: it onto a jat and they start eating it has
Speaker 1: a bit more psychotic like yeah, look yeah, it's not
Speaker 1: really a combo, but it's gross. I'm trying to think
Speaker 1: of what combos my kids have either eaten or try
Speaker 1: to Makesy loves to eat toothpaste. What the mint or
Speaker 1: the to dine? She's got the strongest teeth.
Speaker 2: Anyway, my kids fucking I have to give them like
Speaker 2: the real mellow like berry flavors with.
Speaker 1: Up there with a Q tip you try and take
Speaker 1: it off.
Speaker 2: She's like, yeah, what an animal.
Speaker 1: She's an animals. She's got a fresh breath. What was
Speaker 1: the Oh yeah, I've got a question. Is it a
Speaker 1: listening question as the matter.
Speaker 2: Question comes from me, Maddie J. Question is ash what
Speaker 2: is your routine? And also April's routine when it comes
Speaker 2: to showering during the day, in particular nighttime pre bed.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so April gets up, goes to the gym, come home, shower.
Speaker 1: She's my wife's very routine on the routine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: And then what she'll do is after the kids have
Speaker 1: bathed and Macy's gone to bed, she'll jump in the
Speaker 1: shower there and which usually she'll lead her into the
Speaker 1: bed reading a book, blights out. That's pretty much it
Speaker 1: for me. Sometimes I'll shower in the morning, not all
Speaker 1: the time. In summer, I'll get up, have a cold
Speaker 1: shower because I'm a health freak.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're an athlete.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but you'll always shower before bed to be a
Speaker 1: field athlete.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Unless I'm like absolutely legless, I'm just straight onto the couch.
Speaker 1: I'm not allowed in the bed sometimes if i know
Speaker 1: we're changing the sheets next hour, just sneaking there, dirty
Speaker 1: issues on, Hey, well give us a kiss. But yeah, look,
Speaker 1: otherwise I'll go shower bed, yeah.
Speaker 2: Because it's fucking disgusting hopping into bed when you've been
Speaker 2: up all day.
Speaker 1: You'd be walking about, sweat and sway other people on you.
Speaker 2: Laura does this thing. She's always done it, and I'm
Speaker 2: going to call her out here.
Speaker 1: Perfect.
Speaker 2: Only people knew what she'd really like behind closed doors
Speaker 2: is a fucking grub and I'm about to reveal the
Speaker 2: true Laura.
Speaker 1: That Daily Mail. Are you listening? You are cool, Let's go, let's.
Speaker 2: Go to do it. She only showers in the morning,
Speaker 2: always in the morning.
Speaker 1: When she's dirty from the day before, so she's dirty
Speaker 1: up the bed. Then she's like, I'm gonna be nice
Speaker 1: and clean, so get dirty for the rest of the day.
Speaker 2: If she does wash, but before she gets into bed,
Speaker 2: she only washes her hands and her feet, her odds
Speaker 2: and sods and the sink. So she'll literally stand there
Speaker 2: put like like a hobo bath, like literally, yeah, it
Speaker 2: puts her feet in the sink.
Speaker 1: She puts her feet in the scene.
Speaker 2: She washes her feet.
Speaker 1: How does she get a feet into the scene.
Speaker 2: She's sitting up there on the just one like a
Speaker 2: bird bath exactly, and you're one foot at a time,
Speaker 2: washes that, one brings it out, other one goes in
Speaker 2: washes that foot, and then she washes both feet and
Speaker 2: then she's done and she shoves into bed and then
Speaker 2: she's like, look down the snuggle and I'm like, you
Speaker 2: fucking yuh, I'm clean.
Speaker 1: Why I just pictured her. You know how when you're
Speaker 1: washing your hands and you rub your hands together like that.
Speaker 1: I just pictured her standing on her hands with her
Speaker 1: feet over, just rubbing her feet together.
Speaker 2: What's weird, isn't it? And I asked her because I
Speaker 2: wanted to give her the opportunity to defend herself, of course,
Speaker 2: because I don't want to attack her on the podcast
Speaker 2: and not give her the chance for rebuttal, okay, so
Speaker 2: I'll just she's going to explain herself here. So just
Speaker 2: listen to this, Ash Laura. I just would like you
Speaker 2: to justify why you think it's okay to only wash
Speaker 2: your feet when you come to bed.
Speaker 1: Because I'm really tired and sometimes I have to work
Speaker 1: really late and it's really really cold, and I don't
Speaker 1: want to wash my whole body, but I just know
Speaker 1: that my feet needs to be clean.
Speaker 2: I washed my feet in my face top and bottom,
Speaker 2: a top and tail it. But you've been out in
Speaker 2: the open, yeah, But the rest of my body has
Speaker 2: been encased in clothes and it's cold, so I haven't swept.
Speaker 1: So technically it's like I've been covered in a protective layer,
Speaker 1: but my feet need.
Speaker 2: To be washed. Don't you feel like it's open? Do
Speaker 2: you feel like it's really grossy when you hop in
Speaker 2: a bed and you feel sticky.
Speaker 1: I don't feel sticky because I'm not obsessed with running
Speaker 1: half marathons every day.
Speaker 2: I'm completely clean and dry. Okay, did you shower this morning? Yes?
Speaker 2: Will you shower tonight? I won't shower tonight.
Speaker 1: Oh how do you sleep next to that?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: She's like, she's a lovely lady.
Speaker 2: I know.
Speaker 1: Otherwise you'd be like, get the fuck out, hobo.
Speaker 2: It's weird, right, it's weird.
Speaker 1: It's weird because strange, because like.
Speaker 2: If you've got a shower, shower at nighttime because you're
Speaker 2: not going to get dirty sleeping seven eight hours in
Speaker 2: the bed.
Speaker 1: Doesn't your ass sweat in between the cracks? Well?
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're doing shits during the day.
Speaker 1: How thorough is she and she's wiping? She must have changed.
Speaker 2: No, I don't check up, I know that much, but
Speaker 2: I should.
Speaker 1: Need to now does she least was huh? At least
Speaker 1: wash your under arms around the bat wings?
Speaker 2: So I like she washes her feet and face and
Speaker 2: hands with obviously kind.
Speaker 1: Of hang on, does she wash her hands before her feet.
Speaker 2: I think it's just like and washes.
Speaker 1: Her hands and was just like what I need to know, residual.
Speaker 2: It's residual soap from the foot wash. I think the
Speaker 2: hands don't even get like a separate look and it's
Speaker 2: just hands and feet together. Oh maybe maybe she does
Speaker 2: face first. Anyway, Anyway, that's the true Laura. And I'm
Speaker 2: sorry if anyone.
Speaker 1: She's gonna get a hand, foot in mouth.
Speaker 2: If anyone right now has a has a perfect image
Speaker 2: of Laura in their mind, and I'm sorry to destroy that.
Speaker 1: Well you have for me. I don't know if I'm
Speaker 1: going to be able to look at it the same. Ever, Again,
Speaker 1: don't make it awkward. I will. Don't make it all
Speaker 1: my plan too. I'm going to ask her someone going
Speaker 1: to be like someone stinks he showed today. You stink
Speaker 1: that's not enough showering the human body. It stinks.
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, you're like you and shooting yourself before.
Speaker 1: That was my biggest turn on is me shooting myself?
Speaker 1: It's just her steak.
Speaker 2: Is when Laura's come out of the shower and she's
Speaker 2: like just freshly.
Speaker 1: Clean the steam from behind it.
Speaker 2: Ah, and whenever she does that. I'm always like, where
Speaker 2: do you think you're going? And she's like, I'm off
Speaker 2: to work. I'm fucking late.
Speaker 1: Come And then she comes out of the shower and
Speaker 1: I have the bathroom at night. It's just her hands
Speaker 1: and stuff are really clean. It's like, hey, baby, let
Speaker 1: me off.
Speaker 2: But I'll take it. I'll take it.
Speaker 1: We better get out of here, mate, we better get
Speaker 1: out of here. So it's a busy day, it's.
Speaker 2: It's run out making a podcast. It's hard work.
Speaker 1: Work, well tough for me because I do all the setup,
Speaker 1: like the apprentice, ops manager.
Speaker 2: What am I?
Speaker 1: You're just the face on the admin, bitch, sure the admin.
Speaker 1: Let's get let's get out of here. Thank you guys
Speaker 1: for listening.
Speaker 2: If you've enjoyed listening to this episode, but any episode,
Speaker 2: and hey, if you're a new listener, go back listen
Speaker 2: to the start. I had. Someone actually said they listened
Speaker 2: to all episodes. I think there's fourteen two days.
Speaker 1: Get a laugh.
Speaker 2: Yeah no, no, But if you have enjoyed any episode,
Speaker 2: we would absolutely love it if you gave us a
Speaker 2: little review five stars, and of course give us a
Speaker 2: follow subscribe whenever they call it the podcast world and
Speaker 2: on that note, we'll see you guys next week, See
Speaker 2: you later. Two. Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians
Speaker 2: of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, see
Speaker 2: and community.
Speaker 1: We pay our respects to their elders past and present
Speaker 1: and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestraight Islander
Speaker 1: people's today. This episode was recorded on gadagle Land