1 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Do children make you happy or do they make you miserable? 2 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:11,640 Speaker 1: Maybe the answer is a bit of both, depending on 3 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:14,480 Speaker 1: the day, depending on what time of the day it is. 4 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:17,319 Speaker 1: We talk about this question a lot on the Happy 5 00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:21,759 Speaker 1: Families podcast because the National Children's Commissioner Ann Holland's is 6 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,759 Speaker 1: on the record as saying that there is no such 7 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:27,400 Speaker 1: thing as a happy family, like, well, not long term anyway. 8 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:30,840 Speaker 1: Today we unpack what makes a family happy and whether 9 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:34,160 Speaker 1: or not parents can truly be happy when they're raising 10 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:37,239 Speaker 1: their children. Today this is the Happy Family's podcast, Real 11 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:41,279 Speaker 1: Parenting Solutions every Day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast, 12 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:46,000 Speaker 1: where Justin and Kylie Colson Kylie out of ten, how 13 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:51,240 Speaker 1: happy have our children made you today? Yes, specifically today. 14 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:52,040 Speaker 2: Let's make it a two. 15 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,080 Speaker 1: Has been a pretty rugged day, hasn't it? 16 00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:55,720 Speaker 2: It has been. 17 00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:58,120 Speaker 1: In fact, it's been such a rugged day. I'm not 18 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:02,480 Speaker 1: into threats, I'm not I'm not that guy. But in 19 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:06,120 Speaker 1: my efforts to preserve your sanity, I did tell Emily, 20 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,480 Speaker 1: our eleven year old, that if this keeps up, there's 21 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:10,520 Speaker 1: no more homeschool. We're just going to send it back 22 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:15,160 Speaker 1: to school. Here's the research. My favorite study on This 23 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:19,800 Speaker 1: is Daniel Carneman. He surveyed just over eight hundred Texas 24 00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:23,959 Speaker 1: women or working mums and what that research showed, and 25 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,800 Speaker 1: it's been I've written about it in my own books, 26 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:28,560 Speaker 1: has been written about all over the place. Women said 27 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:31,120 Speaker 1: that being with their children was quote less enjoyable than 28 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:34,080 Speaker 1: many other activities such as watching TV, shopping, or preparing food. 29 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:38,120 Speaker 1: That is, I would I would rather prepare a meal 30 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:40,360 Speaker 1: than play with my children. 31 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:42,280 Speaker 2: I don't know who these women are, but I would 32 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,760 Speaker 2: pick the kids over having to do dinner another night 33 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,319 Speaker 2: every single time. 34 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,480 Speaker 1: Let me do the ironing, leave me alone. I don't 35 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:52,160 Speaker 1: know now. I wrote about this in The Pairing Revolution. 36 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:54,240 Speaker 1: There's something that's very very important in this study that 37 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:57,880 Speaker 1: gets overlooked in every single article that I've ever read 38 00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:01,520 Speaker 1: about it, and people go for the headline mums would 39 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:04,800 Speaker 1: rather do anything than play with the kids. But the 40 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:08,080 Speaker 1: mums were all working mums, and they were filling in 41 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:11,000 Speaker 1: these questionnaires in the morning and in the evening. I 42 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,600 Speaker 1: don't know about you, but it's typically challenging to do 43 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:17,079 Speaker 1: anything with children in the morning or the evening, like 44 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:19,280 Speaker 1: they're the hardest times, as when you're tired, when you're 45 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:20,160 Speaker 1: under time pressure. 46 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,079 Speaker 2: So it's called witching hour for a reason. 47 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:24,840 Speaker 1: It's really difficult. So here's what we've known since the 48 00:02:24,919 --> 00:02:28,600 Speaker 1: nineteen seventies, Sarah mclanahan's famous Columbia studies, where she found 49 00:02:28,639 --> 00:02:32,919 Speaker 1: that having children. Once children are born, parents' experience a 50 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:36,040 Speaker 1: decrease in happiness, a drop in marital satisfaction, and that 51 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:38,960 Speaker 1: only recovers once the kids leave home. 52 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:41,080 Speaker 2: It's a pretty glib outlook. 53 00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:45,919 Speaker 1: Is glib glamor a bit of both? Maybe is the thing. 54 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:52,160 Speaker 1: It's kind of true. Research is really clear that marriages 55 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:54,720 Speaker 1: take a massive hit when a baby comes on board. 56 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:57,720 Speaker 1: On average, you see marriage and relationship satisfaction go down. 57 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:01,480 Speaker 1: So too does the satisfaction around intimacy, and it kind 58 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 1: of stays down there for a pretty long time once 59 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:06,440 Speaker 1: the kid's are teenagers. Most it's pretty obvious when I 60 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,680 Speaker 1: go into schools and do my seminars. The parents that 61 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,240 Speaker 1: have got the brightest eyes, the bushy's tales, the ones 62 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,280 Speaker 1: who look the happiest, they're the ones that are raising 63 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,200 Speaker 1: young children. And you know who doesn't even bother show 64 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:22,799 Speaker 1: up parents of teens. We're nearly finished and we're kind 65 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,560 Speaker 1: of over it, and he can't tell us anything. Now 66 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:27,840 Speaker 1: it's too late. We're done. My favorite quote of all 67 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,360 Speaker 1: time on this topic comes from Dan Gilbert. Daniel Gilbert 68 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,000 Speaker 1: wrote he's written a couple books about happiness, and he 69 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:37,680 Speaker 1: also is a Harvard psychologist, and he said, quote, the 70 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:43,760 Speaker 1: only symptom of empty nest syndrome is non stop smiling. 71 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,320 Speaker 1: So do we need to talk about why parenting can 72 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:50,960 Speaker 1: be challenging? 73 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:54,800 Speaker 2: I don't think so. I think we've got that under out. 74 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:59,119 Speaker 1: If you're a parent, you know you know. Jennifersonia wrote 75 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,560 Speaker 1: a book called All Join In Fun about parenting, and 76 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:04,440 Speaker 1: this is what she said. She said, kids provoke quote 77 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,480 Speaker 1: a couple's most frequent arguments more than money, more than work, 78 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,680 Speaker 1: more than in laws. So it's not just that children 79 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:15,480 Speaker 1: are tiring and expensive and course sleep deprivation and mess 80 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:18,520 Speaker 1: up your work schedule and your exercise schedule and your 81 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:22,560 Speaker 1: everything else that's important to your schedule. They actually create 82 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:25,440 Speaker 1: more conflict. Like one of the most popular questions I 83 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:28,159 Speaker 1: get is how do I get my husband to agree 84 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:31,800 Speaker 1: with me about parenting? Literally, that's what mums always say, 85 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:33,120 Speaker 1: How do I get my husband to agree with me? 86 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,200 Speaker 2: I kind of feel like the kids are getting a 87 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:38,800 Speaker 2: hard wrap here. This isn't actually about kids at all. 88 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:44,839 Speaker 2: If two partners can't work out a situation, how. 89 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:45,559 Speaker 1: Is it the kid's fault? 90 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:50,080 Speaker 2: Well, like being on the same page. That's a partner issue. 91 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:51,440 Speaker 2: That's not a children's issue. 92 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,599 Speaker 1: Right, But it wouldn't be an issue if you didn't 93 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:53,640 Speaker 1: have kids. That's the no. 94 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:55,760 Speaker 2: But if you didn't have kids, there'd be something else 95 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:57,679 Speaker 2: that you clearly aren't aligned with either. 96 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know, like, don't shampoo the dog in 97 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:02,640 Speaker 1: the laundry, do it outside. I just don't think that 98 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,800 Speaker 1: the conflicts are going to be as big. It is 99 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:08,240 Speaker 1: the most argued about thing in marriages. Money's close behind, 100 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,400 Speaker 1: but yeah, the kids are right up there. 101 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:11,799 Speaker 2: We don't argue about the kids. 102 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:16,160 Speaker 1: No, we don't, because you're married to the guy that's 103 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:17,479 Speaker 1: written all the books about parenting. 104 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:18,719 Speaker 2: Oh, you're hilarious. 105 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:19,560 Speaker 1: What do you mean? 106 00:05:20,839 --> 00:05:22,440 Speaker 2: I believe you just said that. 107 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:25,800 Speaker 1: You do more parenting than me, and when it gets 108 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:29,000 Speaker 1: too hard, I literally do say I'm handing this one 109 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,479 Speaker 1: over to you. I'm out. We don't argue, We just 110 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:35,599 Speaker 1: sort of we handball. It's just a hospital pass. Oh 111 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:39,120 Speaker 1: I can't take Let's see what you've got you do 112 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:40,000 Speaker 1: that to me as well. 113 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:45,360 Speaker 2: Let's be honest, all right, show me what you got. 114 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:48,240 Speaker 1: So we need to talk about a couple of things here. 115 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 1: First off, it is more complicated than it seems. Part 116 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:52,640 Speaker 1: of the problem when it comes to all of this 117 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:56,080 Speaker 1: conversation around kids and happiness is the way we measure happiness. 118 00:05:56,640 --> 00:06:02,880 Speaker 1: So having children makes you unhappy. Happiness impact varies. Older fathers, 119 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,880 Speaker 1: for example, get a happiness boost, Kylie. And we know 120 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,400 Speaker 1: a few older dads and they are super happy, like 121 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 1: they love being dads. The older mums not quite so much, 122 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:14,760 Speaker 1: but the older dads are like, this is the best 123 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,039 Speaker 1: thing we've ever done, so glad we did this. Young 124 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:20,760 Speaker 1: parents and single parents suffer the most significant happiness losses. 125 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:25,520 Speaker 2: So the only reason that older men have a happiness 126 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:29,120 Speaker 2: boost is because they actually treat their kids like their grandkids. 127 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:31,400 Speaker 1: So here's the other thing that I want to add. 128 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,520 Speaker 1: Cultural and policy factors matter as well. So parents from 129 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,000 Speaker 1: countries that have got really great childcare policies like Norway 130 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:40,719 Speaker 1: and Hungary tend to be happier than childless couples. Families 131 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:44,039 Speaker 1: from the US, Australia and the UK tend to be 132 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:49,320 Speaker 1: less happy. Why because our child policies, our family supports, 133 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:53,400 Speaker 1: and our general level of community. Just they're not as strong, 134 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:56,160 Speaker 1: they're not as high. So after the break, we're going 135 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,359 Speaker 1: to talk about what Paul Bloom, the author of a 136 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:02,080 Speaker 1: wonderful book called The sweet Spot, says about this whole 137 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:04,760 Speaker 1: happiness thing and having kids. We're going to talk about 138 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:08,240 Speaker 1: whether parents will own up to regretting having children. And 139 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:11,440 Speaker 1: then the one thing that is perhaps more important than 140 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:14,800 Speaker 1: this conversation than anything if you want to find joy 141 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:25,200 Speaker 1: in family life, Kylie. Paul Blum has written a book. 142 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,400 Speaker 1: I've got it here on my shelf in a bright 143 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:30,920 Speaker 1: yellow cover. It's called The sweet Spot. Paul Bloom is 144 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:34,240 Speaker 1: a world leading academic and he said this quote, there's 145 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:38,440 Speaker 1: more life than happiness. Parenting provides something deeper, something having 146 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:42,480 Speaker 1: to do with satisfaction, purpose and meaning. Another guy, Roy Baumeister, 147 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:44,800 Speaker 1: who is one of the world's leading academics and has 148 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,320 Speaker 1: probably published more papers than just about anyone on the planet. 149 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,120 Speaker 1: He wrote a book called Meanings of Life, also just 150 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:53,400 Speaker 1: here on my shelf, and he says the same thing. 151 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:56,160 Speaker 1: Parenting is not actually about happiness. If you're having children 152 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,720 Speaker 1: and wanting to be happy, prepare to be disappointed, but 153 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:02,280 Speaker 1: happiness comes and go. What you get a really steady 154 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:05,080 Speaker 1: supply of is meaning and purpose. You get a whole 155 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:10,200 Speaker 1: lot of really good You get this significance, this sense 156 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:15,760 Speaker 1: of importance and meaning. Parents, both mothers and fathers, tend 157 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:17,840 Speaker 1: to say that their lives have more meaning than those 158 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:18,720 Speaker 1: of non parents. 159 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:22,880 Speaker 2: I think the challenges when you're in the thick of it, 160 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,200 Speaker 2: it's hard to see the meaning. Like you just you 161 00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,560 Speaker 2: get so bombarded with the heart. 162 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,840 Speaker 1: Don't tell me this is meaningful. I just want to break. Yeah, 163 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,120 Speaker 1: I just want to smile again. 164 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:33,840 Speaker 2: I just want to sleep. Yeah. 165 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, if I sleep, I probably am more likely 166 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,840 Speaker 1: to smile. So what I find really fascinating in this 167 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:43,920 Speaker 1: conversation is some research, again by Paul Bloom, where parents 168 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:47,679 Speaker 1: have actually been said do you regret having children? And 169 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:53,040 Speaker 1: surprisingly to me, somewhere between sort of seven and fourteen 170 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:57,160 Speaker 1: percent across different studies say yeah, I do, which means 171 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,160 Speaker 1: that somewhere between eighty five and ninety three percent of 172 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:01,800 Speaker 1: people say no, I could never regret having the kids, 173 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:08,400 Speaker 1: and Paupbloom says these are really weirdly low numbers when 174 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,640 Speaker 1: you consider how challenging parenting is you'd expect that it 175 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:15,600 Speaker 1: would be higher. And therefore you've got this question, why 176 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:18,839 Speaker 1: why do parents say that they don't regret it if 177 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:23,120 Speaker 1: it has been shown so consistently for five decades now 178 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:29,679 Speaker 1: to bring quote unquote happiness levels down. And there's a 179 00:09:29,679 --> 00:09:33,120 Speaker 1: couple of hypotheses. Number one, there's just the social pressure. 180 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:36,080 Speaker 2: But when you know how research is done and it's 181 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:40,040 Speaker 2: usually anonymous, and I don't see social pressure as playing 182 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:43,880 Speaker 2: a part in this kind of data. 183 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:46,920 Speaker 1: That's a really really important point. However, society does glamorize 184 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,720 Speaker 1: the wonders of parenthood, and to buck that trend and 185 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:51,280 Speaker 1: say actually, I hate it and I wish I hadn't 186 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,160 Speaker 1: done it. It's one thing to say it's hard, and 187 00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:55,760 Speaker 1: mummy bloggers and TikTok is all over the place it's hard, 188 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,200 Speaker 1: and there's all sorts of memes everywhere about how hard 189 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:00,800 Speaker 1: it is. But to actually say I regret it, that's 190 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,440 Speaker 1: a really really big call, and that to me still 191 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,160 Speaker 1: contravenes a major social norm. 192 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,320 Speaker 2: I think about some of the other studies that we've 193 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:10,880 Speaker 2: talked about, and people willing to hurt other people to 194 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,520 Speaker 2: the point where they're not breathing and you're going to 195 00:10:13,559 --> 00:10:16,120 Speaker 2: tell me that social norms would suggest that I can't 196 00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:17,600 Speaker 2: say I regret being a parent. 197 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:19,760 Speaker 1: I don't know. It's a big call. 198 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,760 Speaker 2: I'm really pushing against this one. 199 00:10:21,559 --> 00:10:25,240 Speaker 1: All right. Memory is another one. Think childbirth, so we 200 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,280 Speaker 1: remember the peaks, we forget the ninety nine percent of 201 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:29,720 Speaker 1: mundane awfulness of parenting. 202 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,120 Speaker 2: I wouldn't put childbirth in as a peak. 203 00:10:32,559 --> 00:10:35,640 Speaker 1: No, you know what I mean though, Like, no, I'm 204 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:38,040 Speaker 1: saying it's a trough. But just the other day, just 205 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,240 Speaker 1: the other day, we were talking and you literally said 206 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:41,960 Speaker 1: I could go back. 207 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:47,880 Speaker 2: No, what I'm saying you said, I'm talking about when 208 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,360 Speaker 2: they hand me that baby. I'm not talking about con 209 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:51,680 Speaker 2: thro all that pain again. 210 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:54,000 Speaker 1: No, no, but you said, if I could have that 211 00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:56,240 Speaker 1: feeling again, I'd go back yet. 212 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,719 Speaker 2: The after feeling. You're in the middle. 213 00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:00,520 Speaker 1: Fielding even before before you get the after. 214 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:01,840 Speaker 2: But I don't want that. 215 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:05,600 Speaker 1: You said that. You said that, and that's what so 216 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:09,040 Speaker 1: many people do. So there may be some justification behind 217 00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:12,959 Speaker 1: the memory effects there where people are saying child raising children, 218 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,160 Speaker 1: being a parent makes me happy because they're thinking about 219 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:18,040 Speaker 1: the snuggles and the tickles and the I mean, we 220 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,719 Speaker 1: just had Indiana Sky here again, a couple of nights ago, 221 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:24,480 Speaker 1: and that beautiful almost two year old voice as she's 222 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:26,400 Speaker 1: figuring out all of her words and walking around. 223 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,560 Speaker 2: She they's not even saying words, but she's having a 224 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,360 Speaker 2: conversation with you, and it's just aw this little ju 225 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,600 Speaker 2: and she knows exactly what she's saying to you. 226 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:38,360 Speaker 1: So the big one, the one that I buy into most, 227 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:44,080 Speaker 1: is that most parents love their children, and it seems 228 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:45,720 Speaker 1: terrible to admit that the world would be better if 229 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,600 Speaker 1: someone you love didn't exist. Like, you don't regret having children, 230 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:50,480 Speaker 1: even though you admit that your life could be better 231 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:53,880 Speaker 1: without them, but you still don't regret it because you 232 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,600 Speaker 1: love them. Look Like to me, this is the key insight. 233 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,520 Speaker 1: We say that having children makes us happy because it does, 234 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,880 Speaker 1: actually does, because the love that we have towards them. 235 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,640 Speaker 1: It means that our choice to have them has so 236 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,880 Speaker 1: much value above and beyond whatever effect they're having on 237 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:12,240 Speaker 1: a happiness and meaning that we just say yes. It 238 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,360 Speaker 1: is one of the most transcendent, one of the most purposeful, 239 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:15,840 Speaker 1: one and the most meaningful and one of the most 240 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:20,120 Speaker 1: joy giving experiences of my life, perhaps precisely because of 241 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:21,480 Speaker 1: the sacrifice that's involved. 242 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,160 Speaker 2: Well, I think that's the key. The things that we 243 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:28,000 Speaker 2: are willing to sacrifice the most for are the things 244 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:31,839 Speaker 2: that generally speaking, have the most meaning, and because we 245 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,800 Speaker 2: wouldn't be willing to sacrifice without. 246 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:36,600 Speaker 1: That correct And when you think of the most tragic stories, 247 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,080 Speaker 1: as people talk about the hardship and trauma they have 248 00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:43,439 Speaker 1: in their lives, whatever reason they're going through hardship, usually 249 00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:47,200 Speaker 1: there's a lack of love somewhere. There's parents who just 250 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:50,320 Speaker 1: didn't give them that love. 251 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:59,120 Speaker 2: When we understand how significant connection is to our well 252 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:02,920 Speaker 2: being as parents, we have this opportunity to build these 253 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:09,560 Speaker 2: connections with people we actually made. We actually made. 254 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:13,000 Speaker 1: I'm going to say exactly that these people, like our children, 255 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,960 Speaker 1: are these wonderful people who we just grow to love 256 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:20,199 Speaker 1: in such profound ways. And the more you give, the 257 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,839 Speaker 1: more you get out of parenting. Like there's just something 258 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:24,800 Speaker 1: beautiful about it. 259 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:29,680 Speaker 2: I love the full circle moments about family life because 260 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:35,679 Speaker 2: in essence, we have literally grown this human being from 261 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:41,160 Speaker 2: the tiniest, tiniest little cell, and then we have the 262 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:45,760 Speaker 2: opportunity to actually grow them into people, and from a 263 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:48,560 Speaker 2: child into a teenager, and then from a teenager into 264 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:52,640 Speaker 2: an adult. But the crazy thing is I think in 265 00:13:52,679 --> 00:13:54,760 Speaker 2: so many ways, my kids have taught me more than 266 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:59,079 Speaker 2: I'll ever teach them, Like, honestly, the person I am 267 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:03,160 Speaker 2: today because those six girls has been shaped because of 268 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:04,400 Speaker 2: what they have taught me. 269 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:08,880 Speaker 1: Not always comfortably. No, there's we need to wrap it up. 270 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,720 Speaker 1: How time's done. Parenting and happiness. Does it make you happy? 271 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,160 Speaker 1: I used to actually, and sometimes when I'm teaching my seminars, 272 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:18,280 Speaker 1: I still laugh and say no, not really, but it does. 273 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,040 Speaker 1: It does in the most profound and transcendent ways. Paul Bloom, 274 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:23,440 Speaker 1: let's wrap this up with his quote. He said, if 275 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,960 Speaker 1: the loss of a child, and we've seen this happen 276 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:29,320 Speaker 1: in my family, if the loss of a child would 277 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:33,960 Speaker 1: be total annihilation, then having a child healthy and happy 278 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:40,160 Speaker 1: and sound must be annihilation's opposite, which sounds pretty terrific. 279 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:45,160 Speaker 1: Boom actually bloom, Paul Bloom. Do you like that one? 280 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:46,200 Speaker 1: Boom bloom? 281 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:46,760 Speaker 2: Okay. 282 00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:49,800 Speaker 1: That Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Rule on 283 00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:52,840 Speaker 1: form Bridge Media. Hey, thanks Jr. For the great work 284 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:55,680 Speaker 1: you do. If you'd like more information about making your 285 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:59,280 Speaker 1: family happier, I've written incredible book. Well I am I'm 286 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,080 Speaker 1: calling an incredible I spoke to somebody the other day 287 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,160 Speaker 1: who told me it was incredible, so I'm just quoting them. 288 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:05,400 Speaker 1: It's called the Parenting Revolution. Get it wherever you buy 289 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,760 Speaker 1: your books. It will make your family happier and it 290 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:12,000 Speaker 1: will talk about this paradox of kids, happiness meaning purpose, satisfaction, 291 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,880 Speaker 1: all that stuff. The Pairing Revolution available everywhere you get 292 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:18,800 Speaker 1: good books. It's published by ABC Books and you can 293 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:22,120 Speaker 1: get more info about general happiness and your family at 294 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,720 Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot au