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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just

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Speaker 2: wants answers.

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Speaker 3: Now, if we're saying that we have these buttons or

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Speaker 3: we have these triggers, what we're actually doing is we're

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Speaker 3: giving away our power to anyone or anything that pushes

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Speaker 3: those buttons or pulls those triggers.

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Speaker 4: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom

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Speaker 4: and dad.

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Speaker 3: Every now and again I hear a phrase come out

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Speaker 3: of the mouths of parents that makes me think I've

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Speaker 3: got to do a podcast about that. And I heard

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Speaker 3: it again recently. Hello, this is doctor Justin Coilson. I'm

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Speaker 3: the founder of Happy Families dot com dot you. I'm

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Speaker 3: here with Kylie, my wife, mum.

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Speaker 1: To our six kids. I have a quick question for you.

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Speaker 3: Now, for anyone who can't see, which is everyone listening

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Speaker 3: to the podcast, I'm poking you right now. Poking don't

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Speaker 3: don't poke me there, that's not you push my buttons. Oh,

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Speaker 3: I wasn't expecting you to poke me back. I was

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Speaker 3: going to ask how it felt for me to poke you,

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Speaker 3: and then you started poking me back, and you went

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Speaker 3: for my and then for my neck. There are uncomfortable

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Speaker 3: places to be poked. I didn't appreciate that was just

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Speaker 3: poking your leg.

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Speaker 2: Did I push your buttons?

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Speaker 4: Did I?

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Speaker 3: So?

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Speaker 1: Our words create our world? Do you like that our

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Speaker 1: words create our world?

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Speaker 2: Oh? You must have a PhD.

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Speaker 1: I stop it.

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Speaker 3: I can't believe that you pulled that one out. So

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Speaker 3: you're really trying to push all my buttons today, aren't you.

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Speaker 3: We use this phrase all the time, and the words that.

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Speaker 1: We use actually create our reality.

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Speaker 3: We literally have the capacity to create the way we feel,

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Speaker 3: the way we're the way we're doing, just by the

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Speaker 3: words we use. And I keep on hearing this phrase.

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Speaker 3: I've used it myself. I know you've used it. Speaking

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Speaker 3: about children. Parents will often say they just know how

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Speaker 3: to push my buttons.

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Speaker 2: It's interesting last week we actually had a conversation on

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Speaker 2: Tuesday about the power that words have, and it just

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Speaker 2: reminds me of that so often there are things that

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Speaker 2: we say that create the very thing that we don't want.

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Speaker 1: It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: I really hope this doesn't happen and we focus on

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Speaker 3: it so much that it becomes the reality.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's funny. Over the last couple of weeks,

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Speaker 2: We've had a little bit of a shift in our

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Speaker 2: family and our eldest daughter needed to rehome her dog.

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Speaker 3: And yes, so so background for people who missed this

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Speaker 3: years ago, like four or five years ago, our daughter

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Speaker 3: broke up with her boyfriend and she went to the

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Speaker 3: RSPCA look at some dogs, and I distinctly said, do

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Speaker 3: not do not buy a dog.

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Speaker 1: Do not come home with a dog.

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Speaker 3: If you'd come home with a dog, I'm going to

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Speaker 3: take it straight back to the RSPCA.

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Speaker 2: Did you take it back to the RSPCA.

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Speaker 3: No, And I didn't do it because she threatened to

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Speaker 3: it on Facebook and tell everybody that doctor justin calls

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Speaker 3: and her father, the parenting expert, wouldn't let her have

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Speaker 3: a dog, and actually took it back to the RSPCA.

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Speaker 3: She made me look like I was going to be

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Speaker 3: a horrible dad if I did it. It wasn't quite

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Speaker 3: that bad, although she did hint that that could be

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Speaker 3: a possibility, but she really said, you'll be a horrible

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Speaker 3: dad if you do it. And she came home with

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Speaker 3: the dog. And for the last how many years, four

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Speaker 3: or five years, this dog has live with us until

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Speaker 3: we couldn't have the dog living with us anymore, live

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Speaker 3: with her in laws because she's married and has a

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Speaker 3: husband and his parents. Took on the dog for a

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Speaker 3: little while, lived with friends, lived all over the place.

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Speaker 3: The one person who hasn't really looked after the dog

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Speaker 3: since she bought.

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Speaker 1: It is the one who bought it.

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Speaker 3: She pushed my buttons. I should have taken the dog

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Speaker 3: back anyway. She's in a situation now where she has

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Speaker 3: to find a new home for the dog.

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Speaker 2: And she absolutely loves this dog and she would love

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Speaker 2: to live with it, but right now her living situation

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Speaker 2: means that she can't have Coda in her space, so

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Speaker 2: we've been looking for a place for her to be rehomed.

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Speaker 2: She's just lucky that one of her aunties has a

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Speaker 2: very big heart. They already have a dog. She's only

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Speaker 2: a puppy. She's about twelve twelve to eighteen months old now,

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Speaker 2: and they wanted to get a second dog because she

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Speaker 2: Hazel is her name. She's on her own all day

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Speaker 2: while everyone's at school and work, and so she said, yeah,

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Speaker 2: that's fine, bring her up and we'll have a go

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Speaker 2: for all intents and purposes. Obviously, introducing two new dogs

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Speaker 2: to the equation can often be really ricky, so we

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Speaker 2: weren't sure how it would go. And Hazel has been

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Speaker 2: used to being queen and Coder is used to.

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Speaker 1: Being numeral only child.

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Speaker 2: For the mistakes, but for the most part, they have

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Speaker 2: socialized really, really well. Except Hazel's a little bit younger. Obviously,

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Speaker 2: she's still a puppy. She's a lot more enthusiastic than

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Speaker 2: Coder is. These days.

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Speaker 1: Puppies are so cute.

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Speaker 2: And I was over there babysitting the other day and

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Speaker 2: I watched as Hazel literally it was like she was

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Speaker 2: pointing her finger, but she was using her nuzzle, obviously,

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Speaker 2: and she would just go up to Coder, who was

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Speaker 2: relaxing in the sun, you know, lying out on her

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Speaker 2: back or her side, and Hazel would just poke, and

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Speaker 2: when she didn't get a response, she'd poked somewhere else.

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Speaker 2: And she didn't get a response, she poked, and she poked,

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Speaker 2: and she poked, and she poked and.

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Speaker 4: She poked and kind of took it for quite a while,

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Speaker 4: and even to the point where she actually rolled over

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Speaker 4: and gave her more access, right, But then Hazel would

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Speaker 4: find a spot and before.

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Speaker 2: You knew it, she was up and she gave a

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Speaker 2: good grow to let her know that she'd pushed too

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Speaker 2: far right right then, and then Hazelul kind of jump

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Speaker 2: back and look at her and go, but I want

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Speaker 2: to play.

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Speaker 3: But I think that's a lot like I think that's

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Speaker 3: a lot like what a lot of parents do, right.

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Speaker 3: They let the kids poke and poke and poke and

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Speaker 3: poke and poke until finally they say that's it. I've

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Speaker 3: had enough, and they get up and they growl at

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Speaker 3: the kids, and then they say, this kid just keeps on.

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Speaker 1: Pushing my buttons.

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Speaker 3: And I think that we're giving our children a lot

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Speaker 3: of power, Like we're not puppy dogs.

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Speaker 1: We're adults.

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Speaker 3: Where humans we've got the capacity to do a whole

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Speaker 3: lot of things that dogs don't have the capacity for,

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Speaker 3: in terms of regulation of behavior, and in terms of

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Speaker 3: imagination and creativity and working through these kinds of things,

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Speaker 3: even the way we communicate. And yet a lot of

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Speaker 3: parents will say, the kids are pushing my buttons. So

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Speaker 3: let's have a conversation about how to empower parents to

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Speaker 3: not let the kids push their buttons so much. We'll

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Speaker 3: talk about some solutions how you can stop. I can't

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Speaker 3: believe we talked about dogs for half a podcasts. We're

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Speaker 3: going to talk about some solutions for how you can

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Speaker 3: help to ensure that the kids aren't pushing your buttons

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Speaker 3: because you're protecting them well and communicating well and doing

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Speaker 3: all the right things right after the break. Starting school

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Speaker 3: is an exciting time, but it can also be a

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Speaker 3: little worrying. The Starting School Activity Book is a printable

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Speaker 3: workbook that will help prepare your little one for the

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Speaker 3: first thrilling school days and give you tips on the

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Speaker 3: best ways to talk about all the new things they're

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Speaker 3: going to experience. Perfect for kindie, preschool, or big school,

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Speaker 3: and absolutely free online at Happy families dot com dot

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Speaker 3: a you.

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Speaker 2: It's the Happy Family's podcast, the podcast for a time

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Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers. Now.

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Speaker 3: I think, Kylie, that when it comes to kids pushing

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Speaker 3: our buttons, we need to remember that there are our buttons.

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Speaker 3: We are the ones who need to protect our buttons,

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Speaker 3: not just leave the buttons out there for the kids

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Speaker 3: to go pushing and poking. But you and I both

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Speaker 3: know that kids are irrational, kids are immature, Kids are

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Speaker 3: not going to regulatearticularly well. Kids are going to have

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Speaker 3: a hard time, And if we wanted to have a

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Speaker 3: convenient life, we probably shouldn't have had kids. So when

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Speaker 3: it comes to buttons being pushed, what's really going on

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Speaker 3: here is we're kind of going and I know that

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Speaker 3: there are some parents who are absolutely straining right now.

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Speaker 3: There are some parents who are going, no, they really

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Speaker 3: are pushing my buttons. These kids are looking for opportunities

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Speaker 3: to get at me, but they don't like the kids

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Speaker 3: don't wake up in the morning and think, all right,

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Speaker 3: today's the day.

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Speaker 1: In today's today's.

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Speaker 3: Day, I'm going to ruin my parents' lives. Today is

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Speaker 3: the day that I'm going to do everything I can

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Speaker 3: to upset everything.

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Speaker 2: You put them in time out.

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Speaker 1: You might have that, yeah, but that's the thing.

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Speaker 3: So we actually we create a scenario where the kids

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Speaker 3: feel obligated, They feel like they have no choice but

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Speaker 3: to but to resist us and get upset with us.

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Speaker 2: I think about my early years as a parent, and

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Speaker 2: specifically obviously being a mother, and feeling the exhaustion and

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Speaker 2: the overwhelm at times and the stretch that parenting required,

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Speaker 2: and I think the biggest thing for me personally in

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Speaker 2: feeling like the kids were pushing my buttons is number

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Speaker 2: one not actually understanding what my buttons were. For starters,

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Speaker 2: and not actually understanding what my threshold was.

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Speaker 3: So let me ask you a question, and I want

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Speaker 3: everybody who's listening to the podcast to consider this question

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Speaker 3: as well. Buttons is just a fancy way of saying

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Speaker 3: that you've got something that triggers you. And I'm really

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Speaker 3: uncomfortable with this, because again, words create worlds. If we're

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Speaker 3: saying that we have these buttons or we have these triggers,

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Speaker 3: what we're actually doing is we're giving away our power

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Speaker 3: to anyone or anything that pushes those buttons or pulls

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Speaker 3: those triggers. We're actually saying, you can make me feel angry,

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Speaker 3: you can make me feel upset.

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Speaker 2: That's not what I'm saying, though. What I'm saying that

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Speaker 2: is because of the external circumstances that I found myself

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Speaker 2: in as a mum, feeling tired and stretched, I didn't

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Speaker 2: actually allow myself to under stand why I felt the

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Speaker 2: way I did.

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Speaker 3: Great, Okay, that's a much more refined way of saying

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Speaker 3: what you were saying before.

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Speaker 2: So it's not it was. It was never about my children.

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Speaker 2: We talked about myths the other week in lots of ways.

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Speaker 2: It was that desperate need to be the best mum

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Speaker 2: I could be, and I thought I needed to self

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Speaker 2: sacrifice in order to do it, but in the process

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Speaker 2: I didn't give myself the time I needed to be

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Speaker 2: the best mum I could be.

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Speaker 3: Okay, So, for the sake of simplicity, let's use the

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Speaker 3: words triggers and buttons for this conversation. What and anyone

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Speaker 3: who's participating in this podcast right now can join in

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Speaker 3: the conversation mentally, what other things that What are your buttons?

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Speaker 1: What are your triggers? What are the things that actually

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Speaker 1: do set you off?

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Speaker 2: It's the same things as it is whether you're two

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Speaker 2: or you're sixty two. Uh huh, it's holds, it's being hungry, yep,

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Speaker 2: it's being alone, angry, hungry, angry, lonely, lonely, tired, stressed,

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Speaker 2: or sick. They're the same things.

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Speaker 3: So they're really big triggers because ultimately, when somebody's pushing

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Speaker 3: a button, what they're doing is they're wearing down your willpower.

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Speaker 3: In other words, you've got you've sort of got this.

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Speaker 3: Let's imagine that willpower exists a in a fixed amount,

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Speaker 3: in like a quantity, and the more that people push

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Speaker 3: those buttons, the more the willpower drops, just like the

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Speaker 3: puppy dog getting poke, poke, poke, and then it goes

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Speaker 3: It's like you've just poked me one too many times.

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Speaker 2: So if I choose not to have breakfast in the morning,

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Speaker 2: and then i choose not to have lunch, but I've

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Speaker 2: snacked on a chocolate bar because it's convenient and it

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Speaker 2: gives me the rush that I need by mid afternoon,

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Speaker 2: I'm never going to show up as the best mom

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Speaker 2: I can.

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Speaker 3: So that's that's really curious to me as well, because

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Speaker 3: what that suggests is that the button isn't the child

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Speaker 3: behaving in a particular way. It's your incapacity to deal

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Speaker 3: with it because you're not looking after yourself. Didn't get

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Speaker 3: enough sleep last night. Same again. In other words, if

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Speaker 3: we don't want our kids to be pushing out what,

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Speaker 3: we can't empower our children in that way. We can't

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Speaker 3: actually say to our kids, you have so much power

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Speaker 3: over me that you can control my emotions. We've got

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Speaker 3: to regulate them ourselves, which means that we've got to

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Speaker 3: look after ourselves effectively. Is that what you're saying, Yeah, totally,

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Speaker 3: that's great because that's where I was going to go.

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Speaker 3: I wanted to just highlight that we need to set

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Speaker 3: ourselves up to succeed, not to fail, which means that

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Speaker 3: to the extent that it's possible, we want to minimize

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Speaker 3: this the overwhelming stresses in our lives. We want to

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Speaker 3: make sure we're sleeping enough, eating right, doing all the

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Speaker 3: stuff that we know we're supposed to well.

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Speaker 2: And the reality is, if you've got a young family,

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Speaker 2: you might not actually have any say over how much

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Speaker 2: sleep you get right or disrupted sleep, I should say,

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Speaker 2: but you can choose to go to bed as soon

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Speaker 2: as the baby goes down instead of staying up and

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Speaker 2: watching Netflix because you need time out, sure, and give

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Speaker 2: yourself the extra time that's needed to be rested.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 3: So what this really comes down to is intention comes

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Speaker 3: down to intention.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, there are lots of factors in a day to

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Speaker 2: day life of a mum that you don't actually have control,

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Speaker 2: but if you make intentional steps to fill the gaps

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Speaker 2: where you can, you're going to show up better.

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Speaker 3: So I'm thinking of a mum that I know, she's

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Speaker 3: on the south coast of New South Wales, got a

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Speaker 3: bunch of kids with massive anxiety, lots of other additional needs.

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Speaker 3: Has also started fostering somebody as well at a distant

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Speaker 3: relatives come into the home and they've been fostering there,

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Speaker 3: and I'm kind of thinking all of those stresses that

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Speaker 3: are placed on her mean that her buttons are going

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Speaker 3: to be that much closer to the surface and that

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Speaker 3: much more unprotected because there's just so much more going on.

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Speaker 3: And so if we want to really minimize the impact

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Speaker 3: that kids are going to have on our buttons, it

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Speaker 3: means that we've got to try to somehow recognize that,

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Speaker 3: Number one, your child is going to be irrational and

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Speaker 3: immature and do things that show a lack of regulation,

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Speaker 3: and just acknowledging that and knowing that is going to

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Speaker 3: help you to not be so responsive when that button

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Speaker 3: is pushed, because why, well, they're just being children. This

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Speaker 3: is who they are and how they are. And the

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Speaker 3: second thing is our kids need our help. So when

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Speaker 3: they're quote unquote pushing our buttons, what they're really saying

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Speaker 3: is I have an unmet need. I need some attention,

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Speaker 3: I need some focus, I need some connection. I need

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Speaker 3: something from you. Maybe I'm not feeling safe and I'm

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Speaker 3: making sure that I get that safety from you.

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Speaker 2: I wish I understood this concept as a young mum

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Speaker 2: as well. As I do now. But when our children's

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Speaker 2: emotions are really big, what they actually need is a

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Speaker 2: safe harbor with which they can express those emotions. And

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Speaker 2: that means that they need our calm more than ever

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Speaker 2: before in that space, because when we lose it while

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Speaker 2: they're losing it, they it's like we've literally left them

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Speaker 2: out at sea, that they're in a choppy, stormy sea

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Speaker 2: and nothing feel safe.

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Speaker 3: There's a formula called the wind formula that I talk

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Speaker 3: about every now and again. WIN stands for wonder, imagine.

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Speaker 1: Notice.

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Speaker 3: When your children are again quote unquote pushing your buttons,

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Speaker 3: you can use WIN as a formula to get curious,

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Speaker 3: not furious. And I think this is really the solution

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Speaker 3: to kids pushing buttons is to step back, create a

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Speaker 3: bit of distance, and say things like I wonder, or

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Speaker 3: I imagine, or I notice. That's the wind formula, wonder, imagine, notice,

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Speaker 3: and you can finish the sentence, I wonder what's been

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Speaker 3: going on for you today? You seem to have ants

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Speaker 3: in your pants, you seem to be really excited, you

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Speaker 3: seem to be really stressed, you seem to be really tired.

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Speaker 3: I wonder, I wonder what's happened for you today, or

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Speaker 3: I wonder why you are enjoying niggling me so much?

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Speaker 3: What if I turn around I tickle you, will that

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Speaker 3: be so? I wonder, is a way that you can

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Speaker 3: start to think out loud about the emotions that you're

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Speaker 3: seeing in your child. I imagine, I imagine you must

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Speaker 3: be so hungry, or I imagine you must be so bored,

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Speaker 3: or I imagine you must be so And again we're stepping

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Speaker 3: into their emotions. This is how we kind of move

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Speaker 3: into the emotion coaching process. I notice, I notice that

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Speaker 3: every time I ask you to do something today, you're

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Speaker 3: getting frustrated and annoyed, and you just wish that.

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Speaker 1: I would leave you alone.

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Speaker 3: I noticed that, and so we use these phrases. I wonder,

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Speaker 3: I notice, I wonder. I imagine, I notice to get curious,

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Speaker 3: not furious. And I think that when our kids are

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Speaker 3: pushing out buttons, if we can use those phrases, it's

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Speaker 3: going to make a difference. I have one other idea

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Speaker 3: that I want to share, and that is, when our

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Speaker 3: kids are pushing out buttons, what would happen if we

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Speaker 3: recruited them to our team. What if they were pushing

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Speaker 3: out buttons while we're trying to get the house tidy,

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Speaker 3: the room cleaned, the dinner cooked, the family in the

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Speaker 3: car or whatever, and we said, wow, let's work.

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Speaker 1: Together on this.

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Speaker 3: What if we could recruit them to join us in

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Speaker 3: the activity that we're doing, we could probably get them

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Speaker 3: onto our side. And all of a sudden, our buttons

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Speaker 3: are not being pushed anymore.

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Speaker 2: It's interesting I shared last week on that I'll Do

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Speaker 2: Better Tomorrow episode in relation to Emily and how I

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Speaker 2: just I had to slow down. She had an emotional outburst,

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Speaker 2: it was bigger than ben her and just slowing down

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Speaker 2: and stopping. And so sometimes it will be a matter

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Speaker 2: of involving our kids in what we're doing, but other

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Speaker 2: times it will actually be letting go of the agenda

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Speaker 2: right and stopping and kind of just taking the time

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Speaker 2: to becolm with each other. That can reset and do

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Speaker 2: what you know, help you to move on.

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Speaker 3: So the take I message from this really is that

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Speaker 3: it's up to us whether or not the kids push

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Speaker 3: our buttons or let me rephrase, they can push all

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Speaker 3: the buttons they want. It's up to us how we'll react.

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Speaker 3: I know that when my buttons are being pushed and

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Speaker 3: I've got an audience. When there's people who can see me,

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Speaker 3: I'm very very patient. I can put a smile on

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Speaker 3: my face. I can love my kids like crazy, even

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Speaker 3: though they're driving me up the wall. And when I'm

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Speaker 3: on my own and I'm exhausted, I'm tired, and I've

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Speaker 3: got an agenda and I've got my own stuff that

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Speaker 3: i have to do, they're pushing my buttons. Can I

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Speaker 3: can respond in a very very different way. So it's

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Speaker 3: really up to us. Our kids either push our buttons

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Speaker 3: or they don't. And that's kind of irrelevant. It's what

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Speaker 3: we do when those buttons are pushed. Do we give

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Speaker 3: our kids that much power over us? Or do we

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Speaker 3: take the power back, decide and start to tune into

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Speaker 3: them and wonder, imagine, or notice why they're pushing those

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Speaker 3: buttons in the first place. The Happy Family's podcast is

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Speaker 3: produced by Justin.

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Speaker 1: Ruhlant for Bridge Media.

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Speaker 3: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you'd like more

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Speaker 3: and fall about making your family happier, we would love

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Speaker 3: for you to join us on our Facebook page, Doctor

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Speaker 3: Justin Coulson's Happy Families, or at happy families dot com.

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Speaker 1: Dore