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Speaker 1: Get a.

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Speaker 2: I'm Laala Berry, nutritionist, author, actor, TV presenter, and professional oversharer.

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Speaker 2: This podcast is all about celebrating failure because I believe

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Speaker 2: it's a chance for us to learn, grow and face

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Speaker 2: our blind spots. Each week, I'll interview a different guest

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Speaker 2: about their highs as well as their lows, all in

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Speaker 2: a bid to.

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Speaker 1: Inspire us to feariously fail. Hello, Welcome to the pod.

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Speaker 2: Today we have Byron Bay based author Georgie Collinson on

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Speaker 2: the pod today now. She's an anxiety therapist specializing in

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Speaker 2: high functioning anxiety. She's a hypnotherapist, a naturopath, a nutritionist,

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Speaker 2: a mindset coach, and today's chat is really all about

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Speaker 2: celebrating her newest book, book Number two asked your relationship Anxiety.

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Speaker 2: It is a great read. And I as someone that

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Speaker 2: doesn't feel too anxious in a relationship right now, because

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Speaker 2: I'm in very like healthy, say relationship, but I've definitely

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Speaker 2: been in the chaotic, cryptonite, toxic.

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Speaker 1: Ones in the past.

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Speaker 2: But as someone that feels grounded now, I still got

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Speaker 2: a lot out of it more linked like I associated

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Speaker 2: all the points around, like career, like fear of rejection.

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Speaker 1: Am I not?

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Speaker 2: Am I not good enough and all of that kind

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Speaker 2: of like, It's what I'm trying to say is there's

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Speaker 2: something for everyone in this book.

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Speaker 1: So we break it down.

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Speaker 2: I ask loads of questions about like the common fears

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Speaker 2: that people have around love life. We talk about the

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Speaker 2: three stages of love, base love, chaotic love, and expansive love.

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Speaker 2: We talk about little behind the scenes of the book.

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Speaker 2: The reason how and why Georgie and I know one

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Speaker 2: another is I coached her on her first book, so

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Speaker 2: I do podcast and book coaching the side like as

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Speaker 2: Zoom Cluck clients and consults, and that's how we got

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Speaker 2: to know each other. And then I introduced her to

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Speaker 2: my publisher, and my publisher within twenty four hours loved

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Speaker 2: her and signed her and gave her a book deal.

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Speaker 2: So it was just so fun to sit down with

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Speaker 2: her full circle moment, and tonight I'm going to be

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Speaker 2: in Byron bay M seeing her book launch.

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Speaker 1: I'm actually quite anxious about. To be honest, I know people.

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Speaker 2: Don't believe this when I say this, but I'm actually

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Speaker 2: an introvert even though I act like an extrovert. I'm

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Speaker 2: an extrovert on the pod because it's just me and

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Speaker 2: one other person, or it's just me talking to a

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Speaker 2: mic talking to you guys, the listeners. So but when

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Speaker 2: you put me in a big group of people, I

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Speaker 2: get sweaty palms and all the things. Anyway, we talk

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Speaker 2: about all of that in this chat. Georgie is very warm,

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Speaker 2: very open, and very kind and caring, and so she

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Speaker 2: just makes it so easy to understand and get your

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Speaker 2: head around. I think you're gonna love this chat. I

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Speaker 2: learned so much from her, and I just think it's

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Speaker 2: a really good chat and episode to listen to. If

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Speaker 2: you just want to like check him with your mental health,

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Speaker 2: check him with where you're at with anxiety.

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Speaker 1: This ep is for you.

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Speaker 2: And her book is officially available now across Australia and

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Speaker 2: New Zealand all Good bookstores as well as online. It's

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Speaker 2: called Master Your Relationship Anxiety, Overcome your Worries, doubts and

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Speaker 2: Insecurities in four Weeks. And her first book is called

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Speaker 2: The Anxiety Reset Method.

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Speaker 1: So both books are brill and Georgie.

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Speaker 2: Big congrats, my friend, and you're going to crush it

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Speaker 2: at the book launch night, all right, poru gang big

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Speaker 2: love boy mait We're going straight into the chat. I'm

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Speaker 2: so excited to be here. Georgie Collinson, mate anxiety therapist.

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Speaker 2: You specialize in high functioning anxiety hypno therapists.

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Speaker 1: I didn't know that about you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, now, Trath, I knew, nutritionist, I knew, mindset, coach,

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Speaker 2: I knew, podcaster I knew, and obviously author I knew

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Speaker 2: as well because we across paths on the first book,

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Speaker 2: did we not?

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Speaker 1: Yes?

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Speaker 3: Well, I saw that you were with the publisher that

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Speaker 3: I wanted to go with, the Lovely Affirm And then

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Speaker 3: I reached out to you and I was like, Lola.

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Speaker 1: Tell me your secrets, Like what do I need to know?

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Speaker 1: And you were just the best.

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Speaker 3: Like, honestly, I don't know that my first book would

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Speaker 3: have you know, you gave me the introduction, So I'm

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Speaker 3: just but we.

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Speaker 2: Kind of coached together, right Like I kind of coach

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Speaker 2: you over a few sessions, and we got your pitch

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Speaker 2: deck exactly where you wanted. It was also the most

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Speaker 2: incredible pitchcheck I've ever seen.

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Speaker 1: I was like, this is.

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Speaker 2: Like twelve pages, whereas mine is like a one page.

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Speaker 2: Like it was you just told me before we hit record,

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Speaker 2: You've got a lot of virgo in your chart. It

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Speaker 2: was coming out in that pitch deck. And I think

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Speaker 2: like when I introduced you to your publisher, and at

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Speaker 2: the time my publisher, Cali, she jumped at it, did

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Speaker 2: she not?

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Speaker 3: Yes, literally in like like twenty four.

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Speaker 1: Hours, which was amazing. Yeah, oh my god. And now

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Speaker 1: we're here talking.

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Speaker 2: I can't even say on the eve of your book

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Speaker 2: lunch because today is the day of the Byron book

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Speaker 2: launch and this is now book two that I have

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Speaker 2: been madly marking up, highlighting, soaking up. I started reading

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Speaker 2: on the plane. It's been so fun to soak up.

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Speaker 2: And it's called Master your Relationship Anxiety, which is kind

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Speaker 2: of scary to read that, Like, has anyone said, oh,

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Speaker 2: like it kind of brings up a.

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Speaker 1: Bit of stuff for you the reader, right, Yeah.

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Speaker 3: I think the term relationship anxiety is not one that

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Speaker 3: people are super familiar with, and yet it exists like

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Speaker 3: it is everywhere.

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Speaker 1: And I feel that we may not.

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Speaker 3: Consider ourselves, you know, experiencing a lot of anxiety, but

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Speaker 3: relationship anxiety is such a quite universal experience, like it's

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Speaker 3: part of our human experience because in relationships, all of

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Speaker 3: our deepest fears, insecurities, worries, doubts, they're all going to

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Speaker 3: be brought to the surface, and that's something that we

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Speaker 3: all kind of have to work through. All have varying

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Speaker 3: levels of how much triggers us. But yeah, so it's

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Speaker 3: one that certainly hits a nerve for a lot of people.

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Speaker 2: But it's one of my favorite parts of the book,

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Speaker 2: and I really want to unpack the book in a

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Speaker 2: seco One of my favorite parts is where you break

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Speaker 2: down the three styles of all the three types of love.

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Speaker 2: So I want to do that in a sec But first,

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Speaker 2: can we rewind a little bit because what I love

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Speaker 2: when I read about you is that you specialize in

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Speaker 2: high functioning Is that how I'm saying it right, like

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Speaker 2: high functioning anxiety? And I was like, hang on a seck,

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Speaker 2: I think that won't be me. So can you share

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Speaker 2: that what that means working with people that have high

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Speaker 2: functioning anxiety?

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Speaker 3: Well, you know, the opening line of my first book

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Speaker 3: is literally when I tell people that I that I

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Speaker 3: work with women with high functioning anxiety or people with

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Speaker 3: high functioning anxiety, the first thing I hear is like,

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Speaker 3: oh my god, that's me, Like I need to So

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Speaker 3: it's very very common because so much in our society

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Speaker 3: kind of draws out these traits and we see it

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Speaker 3: as part of what we need to in order.

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Speaker 1: To be successful and survive.

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Speaker 3: And so with high functioning anxiety, we're looking at we've

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Speaker 3: got a lot of perfectionism. Where big people pleases, there

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Speaker 3: is a lot of self made pressure. Yeah, pretty mean

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Speaker 3: in a critic going on, and this sense that you're

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Speaker 3: just never enough, you know, doing enough few and yet

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Speaker 3: like a lot of us, you know, high achievers doing

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Speaker 3: really well.

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Speaker 1: In many ways.

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Speaker 3: But it's kind of like, do we have to live

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Speaker 3: with that much suffering in order to achieve the things

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Speaker 3: that we want to do? And I like to challenge

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Speaker 3: that and say that we can still have the goals,

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Speaker 3: the big vision for our lives, but there is a

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Speaker 3: way that we can get there. Whilst I suppose it's

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Speaker 3: that cliche of enjoying the journey along.

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Speaker 1: The way, yeah, one hundred percent.

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Speaker 2: And I think that perfectionism to me, it's like best

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Speaker 2: buds with control, you know. And I think like whenever

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Speaker 2: I know, whenever I feel like anxious or uncomfortable, it's

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Speaker 2: usually I'll be like I need to control the situation.

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Speaker 1: It's like a real coore way of feeling safe again.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and yeah, just even reading the intro of this book,

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Speaker 2: I was like.

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Speaker 1: Oh, so many people must.

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Speaker 2: Feel this thing, because, like you said, if you're high functioning,

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Speaker 2: you can almost.

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Speaker 1: Get away with self soothing in probably like the wrong.

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Speaker 2: Ways booze bit of emotional leading here and their yeah

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Speaker 2: sex I imagine as well, and kind of be like, oh,

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Speaker 2: I feel okay for a second, and then it probably

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Speaker 2: read is it's ugly.

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Speaker 1: Head to get am I right in saying that? Yeah? Definitely?

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Speaker 3: And the other ones would be like shopping or buying

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Speaker 3: stuff to not feel, or burying ourselves in work, like overworking,

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Speaker 3: because that's a world you can easily control, right Like

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Speaker 3: I can have all my little ducks in a row

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Speaker 3: and my calendar and tick things off, and we don't

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Speaker 3: like that. And you know, like you said, you can

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Speaker 3: hide high functioning anxiety, and that's why most of us do,

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Speaker 3: like you can. No one would know on the outside

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Speaker 3: really unless you let them into your world, that that's

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Speaker 3: something that's going on for you. So we all walk

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Speaker 3: around assuming that we're the only ones feeling this way.

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Speaker 3: But it's so so easy to pretend that you're not

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Speaker 3: experiencing that anxiety inside.

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Speaker 2: And I know you do share this in both of

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Speaker 2: your books is like this toolkit of like catching ourselves

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Speaker 2: a little bit, and like breath work is something you're

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Speaker 2: really passionate about. Just for the listener now if they

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Speaker 2: are like because for me even like I'll be nervous

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Speaker 2: tonight by the way, Oh for the listener, I'm am seeing.

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Speaker 1: Your book launch And when you ask me, I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm honored. This is lovely.

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Speaker 2: And then like as the day is crept closer and closer,

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Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, I forgot.

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Speaker 1: I'm actually an.

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Speaker 2: Introvert and like I love one on one stuff, which

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Speaker 2: is why I could have hang out with you all

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Speaker 2: day long like this, But when it's in a group,

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Speaker 2: I sweat, Like I get sweaty palms. Yeah, but then

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Speaker 2: I love it after because I feel like I've got

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Speaker 2: outside my comfort zone. I feel like I've achieved and

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Speaker 2: all of that. But like for someone listening now and

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Speaker 2: selfishly myself that has something that they're really excited about

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Speaker 2: but also a little bit anxious about, what's a little

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Speaker 2: like self practice that we can or a little mechanism

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Speaker 2: we can just do on the reg Yeah, well.

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Speaker 3: You already you know mentioned something that you can do,

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Speaker 3: which is you jump forward beyond the discomfort and you

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Speaker 3: look at what is the reward on the other side,

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Speaker 3: because we're so used to associating I've got to do

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Speaker 3: a you know, a public speaking kind of gig with

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Speaker 3: oh no, all the nerves, all the discomfort and the

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Speaker 3: anticipation beforehand, but.

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Speaker 1: That feeling after you know you love it. I mean

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Speaker 1: it almost surprises me.

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Speaker 3: But then at the same time, doesn't that you feel

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Speaker 3: that anxiety because it's like you've done this so many times, right,

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Speaker 3: and I feel some nerves too.

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Speaker 1: I'm glad you do.

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Speaker 3: Like it's a part of the human experience, right, But

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Speaker 3: like you, I'm just focusing on I know there is

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Speaker 3: that Georgie as soon as I'm like maybe halfway through,

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Speaker 3: like when we're talking on stage, or also towards the end,

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Speaker 3: where I'm just like, oh, this has gone well.

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Speaker 1: I love it. This is so much fun.

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Speaker 2: You know, you get to connect with people that are

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Speaker 2: literally there to learn about what you have to say

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Speaker 2: in your new book, So like that's a celebration as well.

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Speaker 2: And I think, yeah, I like the idea of like

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Speaker 2: getting to that after, like and associating that after like

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Speaker 2: reward feeling, Yeah, I've done.

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Speaker 3: This on planes when there's been turbulence, and I started

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Speaker 3: to get that thought in my head of like, what

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Speaker 3: if something happens? You know, yeah, we all think it,

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Speaker 3: and then I jump forward into oh, what's it going

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Speaker 3: to be like when I'm there and I'm just lying

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Speaker 3: back in the bed in the hotel room and I've

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Speaker 3: already arrived, And that's able. That helps to create that

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Speaker 3: sort of positive sense. So association with whatever you're doing.

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Speaker 1: Oh I love that. Yeah, I've never thought of doing that.

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Speaker 2: Okay, well we should have a code word tonight and

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Speaker 2: I'll be like, I'm doing the thing.

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Speaker 1: I'm doing the thing.

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Speaker 3: It's like exercise, right, you go through a workout, it hurts,

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Speaker 3: you don't want to do it, but if you learn

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Speaker 3: to associate it with the high you get after, the

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Speaker 3: good feeling in your body, well it's so much easier

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Speaker 3: to get through.

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Speaker 1: Totally.

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Speaker 2: Always, I've been doing pilates in the whole time I've

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Speaker 2: been in Byron, and the first ten minutes I'm like,

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Speaker 2: fuck my life, why am I here looking at the watch?

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Speaker 2: And then I'm just like, hang on, You're all like

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Speaker 2: in five minutes, you're record of the way through, and

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Speaker 2: I'm like, you also get to go to Rodie after

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Speaker 2: and get a delish dirty chie like this is pretty good,

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Speaker 2: and you feel so good for the and your moon

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Speaker 2: and everything for the rest of the day.

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Speaker 1: So I love that.

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Speaker 2: That's such a good thank you. That's such a good

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Speaker 2: hack that I will be implementing.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. Now, the other one I would say is just

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Speaker 3: literally I'll be talking to my inner child, because there's

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Speaker 3: that like part of me that is like, oh no,

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Speaker 3: I've been rejected before, or what if people judge me

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Speaker 3: that didn't feel good once upon a time, And so

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Speaker 3: I speak.

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Speaker 1: To that part of me and I'm like, oh, you're

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Speaker 1: gonna be great.

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Speaker 3: And it does take that, you know, even now, it's

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Speaker 3: this constant relationship that we nurture with ourselves where you know,

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Speaker 3: my wise older self talks to my younger self and

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Speaker 3: I'm just like you do you.

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Speaker 2: I know you've done a fair bit of TV. Do

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Speaker 2: you get nervous when you do TV?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? Oh? Do you know my rule is for TV? Well?

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Speaker 1: I learn it when I first started.

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Speaker 2: I started in telling when I was like twenty three

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Speaker 2: and I had a business part at the time, and

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Speaker 2: he goes the three piece and I was like, all right,

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Speaker 2: and it's never let me down. Passion, passion, posture, because

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Speaker 2: I always I got really big boobs. I always hunch,

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Speaker 2: especially with cooking demos and purpose. And so if you're

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Speaker 2: connected to your three p's, your passion, your purpose. Also

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Speaker 2: like also if you're doing something you love, it kind

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Speaker 2: of takes the noise of the anxiety away. And then posture,

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Speaker 2: well that's just because I slouch, but like a good

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Speaker 2: it's a good one of like I always finally, if

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Speaker 2: I'm nervous as well, if I come back to like

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Speaker 2: why I'm there, what my purpose is, And I always

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Speaker 2: find in a social environment, if I have a purpose,

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Speaker 2: it takes away a lot of fear. Yeah, it's letting

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Speaker 2: that like smaller you step away, like make way for

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Speaker 2: the greater purpose that you're here to present.

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Speaker 1: I love it, love it. Oh my god, I could

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Speaker 1: talk to you all day long.

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Speaker 2: Well, let's we've got to talk about this book because

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Speaker 2: it's so much fun to read about. First of all,

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Speaker 2: I have to say, the first book, Oprah's Book Club,

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Speaker 2: what the how did you just get a call from

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Speaker 2: your publisher and you're like come again?

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Speaker 1: It was pretty crazy? And do you know what?

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Speaker 3: It came at a time where i'd really slowed down

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Speaker 3: as well, like I was just doing focusing on my clients,

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Speaker 3: like you know, not not trying so much to kind

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Speaker 3: of put myself out there, and then it just like

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Speaker 3: appeared it was it was crazy.

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Speaker 1: Well, there goes that, and that is that theory.

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Speaker 2: When we don't control and hold on too tight, we

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Speaker 2: make space for everything to come in. Yes, my boyfriend

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Speaker 2: Matt is so good at that.

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Speaker 1: And whereas I'm like, I like, no, I will hold on.

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Speaker 1: But my acting coach taught me this thing, I reckon.

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Speaker 2: You'll love it because a lot of actors when they

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Speaker 2: learn scripts, they hold on too tight, like and they're like,

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Speaker 2: you must see all the work I have done, And

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Speaker 2: they say, pretend you have a little baby bird in

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Speaker 2: your hands and you want to care for it. You

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Speaker 2: want to look after it, you want to make sure

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Speaker 2: it's fair. But if you hold on too tight, you're

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Speaker 2: going to squash the bird. So you'd never want to

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Speaker 2: do that. You just want to hold it with care.

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Speaker 2: So it's kind yeah, and so it's like the letting

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Speaker 2: go thing becomes easier thing because you're trusting a little

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Speaker 2: bit that this babybird's going to be able to fly

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Speaker 2: one day.

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Speaker 3: Yes, And I have to say, like I always kind

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Speaker 3: of had not that I could ever predict that Oprah

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Speaker 3: was going to pick up my book, but I always

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Speaker 3: had this feeling about it that, like before I even

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Speaker 3: spoke to you, I was like, I'm going to write

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Speaker 3: a book this year, and I just it all. The

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Speaker 3: fact that it flowed, like I met, you know, reconnected

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Speaker 3: through it. There was also the fact that the publishers

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Speaker 3: picked it up and then Oprah picked it up, like

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Speaker 3: there was this flow the whole time.

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Speaker 1: You know, when stuff it does just work.

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Speaker 3: There are some things we're really like challenged by and

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Speaker 3: we keep getting brick walls and we have to overcome

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Speaker 3: those challenges. For some reason, the book thing just flowed

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Speaker 3: for me, and I just keep trusting that.

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Speaker 2: Oh as you should, my friend, And this NEWI is

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Speaker 2: flipping unreal to you. The listener officially available all over

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Speaker 2: Astrow in New Zealand, and I'm going to have links

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Speaker 2: in the.

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Speaker 1: Show notes so you can buy it today.

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Speaker 2: Can you teach me about common fears we have when

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Speaker 2: it comes to our love life.

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Speaker 3: Yes, well, our mind will typically tell us something like

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Speaker 3: what if they leave me?

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Speaker 1: That's a really common one.

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Speaker 3: But even if we're in a really secure relationship where

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Speaker 3: everything's stable and we're like, no, they're not going to

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Speaker 3: leave me of their own free will, but what if

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Speaker 3: something happens to them? We can still have that fear

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Speaker 3: show up in a different a different way.

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Speaker 1: That's abandonment, right.

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Speaker 3: It's abandonment. And how crazy we can still have that

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Speaker 3: even when that person you know, you've got all that

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Speaker 3: trust there by your side, you're like.

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Speaker 1: Well, what if they get sick?

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Speaker 3: And that's where we start like feeding them all the

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Speaker 3: supplements and making sure nothing happens to them. We might

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Speaker 3: have that fear of like what if I'm not good

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Speaker 3: enough for them? Or what if I'm too needy? Is

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Speaker 3: a really common one. And what if we're not having

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Speaker 3: sex enough? Is like such a classic, especially for women,

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Speaker 3: because we kind of like measure that on how safe

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Speaker 3: we are, like are we keeping them satisfied?

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Speaker 1: Could and also be a value.

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Speaker 2: There's a lot I've had mates that value themselves on

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Speaker 2: like how often they have sex and myfe oh my god.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but it's common.

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Speaker 3: It's so common. Then there's like what if we're not

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Speaker 3: in love enough? What if I, like we fall out

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Speaker 3: of love? What if I'm not with the right person

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Speaker 3: is a really common one, like this idea that we

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Speaker 3: have to be with this perfect partner. And then of

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Speaker 3: course there are some things that come up where we're

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Speaker 3: like is that a red flag? Like what if this

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Speaker 3: isn't healthy? And then finally, the sort of last category

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Speaker 3: is like what if I need space all the time

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Speaker 3: and I'm instantly trying to get out this relationship, will

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Speaker 3: get away from them or they're not quite what I

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Speaker 3: thought I would be with. Yeah, and we're sort of,

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Speaker 3: you know, finding ourselves keeping them at arm's length a

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Speaker 3: little so.

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Speaker 2: Interesting, So they kind of come under these big like

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Speaker 2: feelings that we can have in any state, like I

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Speaker 2: would say this applies to It was really interesting reading

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Speaker 2: this because I was like, oh, I feel all this

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Speaker 2: is my career too, like lost, an abandonment, rejection and

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Speaker 2: need for approval, feeling trapped or stuck in a situation

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Speaker 2: that's my worst feeling in the world, and then fear

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Speaker 2: of losing self. And I'm like, all of them you

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Speaker 2: could feel in almost any part of your life.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it's so true.

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Speaker 3: And even though I wrote the book in the context

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Speaker 3: of romantic relationships, certainly applies a lot of it. To

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Speaker 3: friendships or parent relationships like siblings, all of it because

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Speaker 3: obviously maybe not the sex questions, but.

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Speaker 1: Hopefully one would hope.

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Speaker 3: I chose the topic of romantic relationships to keep us

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Speaker 3: nice and niche, And that's also where we're most intimate

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Speaker 3: and most vulnerable with another person. Typically, like you know,

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Speaker 3: everything gets exposed there. We're living usually with someone day in,

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Speaker 3: day out, So it meant we could go deeper on

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Speaker 3: a lot of things. But it definitely applies to a

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Speaker 3: lot of different areas of life.

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Speaker 2: There was a quote I wrote down from the book

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Speaker 2: that I was like, Oh, I've never thought about this before.

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Speaker 2: Anxiety is useful to some degree.

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Speaker 1: Unpack that for me.

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Speaker 3: Friend, Well, this is like one of my big messages

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Speaker 3: for people, which is we we seem to see anxiety

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Speaker 3: as this big problem we need to get rid of,

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Speaker 3: and we really demonize it. But if we use anxiety

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Speaker 3: as a friend, as a messenger, and we see that

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Speaker 3: it actually has some kind of information to share with us,

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Speaker 3: it's usually communicating something that we need, something that might

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Speaker 3: be a little out of balance, and that could be

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Speaker 3: like more like nutrition or gun health. It could be

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Speaker 3: like a physical thing like that. Usually it's a combination

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Speaker 3: of a few, but it could also be I'm not

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Speaker 3: feeling safe, and sometimes when you're in a relationship, that's

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Speaker 3: really useful to feel that, to know, Okay, I'm not

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Speaker 3: feeling safe, and then we can take it to the

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Speaker 3: next step, which is how do we create that safety

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Speaker 3: for you. Is it that there are recurring actions from

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Speaker 3: that partner that you are with that are actually creating

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Speaker 3: this lack of safety, or is there something you need

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Speaker 3: to communicate, start to share in order to create that safety,

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Speaker 3: or maybe some inner work to do as well.

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Speaker 2: I love that you said about like commut like something

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Speaker 2: you might to communicate. And I people always say, wow,

436
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Speaker 2: what's your secret power. I'm like, oh, therapy. And my

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00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:08,080
Speaker 2: therapist is a hypnotherapist, which you will love love that.

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Speaker 2: And I didn't know till like six sessions in. I

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Speaker 2: was like, so, I saw you've said you're a hypnotherapist.

440
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,800
Speaker 2: He's like yeah, and I go, well, when are we

441
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:18,199
Speaker 2: going to do it? And he's like, Lola, We've been

442
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,439
Speaker 2: doing it in every session. I had no idea, but

443
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,920
Speaker 2: we were visualizing so much. I just thought we were

444
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,240
Speaker 2: doing visualizations. I had no idea.

445
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:28,840
Speaker 3: That's actually smart because of that control part of you

446
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,800
Speaker 3: to let you actually go into the safety of going

447
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,600
Speaker 3: through that experience, because a lot of people are like,

448
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:34,800
Speaker 3: are you controlling me?

449
00:20:35,119 --> 00:20:38,320
Speaker 2: You know, I like, hand on my heart, Georgie, I

450
00:20:38,359 --> 00:20:40,960
Speaker 2: had no idea that I'd been doing hypno this whole time.

451
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,600
Speaker 1: Like he burst into laughter. That is so funny.

452
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:48,360
Speaker 2: He's like, yeah, Lola, we've eaten so fun But yeah,

453
00:20:48,359 --> 00:20:51,800
Speaker 2: I like the way you describe community, like the power

454
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,520
Speaker 2: of communication. There's a movie I really want you to see.

455
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:59,200
Speaker 2: It's called My Old Ass Oh, and it's a eighteen

456
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:04,840
Speaker 2: year old girl and she takes mushrooms in the forest

457
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:07,520
Speaker 2: and she hallucinates and sees her thirty nine year old

458
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:12,520
Speaker 2: self and they become buds and like can communicate and stuff.

459
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,280
Speaker 2: But it's really cool what the thirty nine year old

460
00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:19,679
Speaker 2: self can teach the eighteen year old self. And it

461
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,199
Speaker 2: made me realize what a gift I'm thirty nine. I

462
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,120
Speaker 2: was like, what a gift is to be thirty nine.

463
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:27,439
Speaker 2: And one of the things was this line in the

464
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:29,760
Speaker 2: movie is like you give less of a shit about

465
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:31,840
Speaker 2: what other people think of you. And then the way

466
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:35,119
Speaker 2: you just mentioned full circle about like when we feel

467
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:38,800
Speaker 2: anxiety or not safe it's about communicating that and I

468
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:43,320
Speaker 2: think as I've got old, I'm really comfortable communicating even

469
00:21:43,359 --> 00:21:46,160
Speaker 2: to boss like Matt, like we're you know, stuff chat,

470
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,120
Speaker 2: we're both creative. Stuff changes all the time, and I'll

471
00:21:49,119 --> 00:21:51,399
Speaker 2: be like, oh, I'm feeling really uncomfortable about this, and

472
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:52,760
Speaker 2: he's like, all right, let's sit and talk about it.

473
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:54,960
Speaker 2: But we're also both in therapy, which is why we're

474
00:21:55,000 --> 00:22:00,680
Speaker 2: so comfortable sitting in uncomfortable conversations. How key do you think,

475
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:05,440
Speaker 2: like open and honest communication is when it comes to relationships.

476
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:08,760
Speaker 3: Incredibly like important, but I will say caveat to that

477
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:12,440
Speaker 3: is delivery also matters. Yeah, so the care we can

478
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,240
Speaker 3: have for the other person, like because I could tell,

479
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:15,920
Speaker 3: you know, I could be in a relationship with someone

480
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:19,120
Speaker 3: and say, you know, I walked past an attractive man

481
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:20,880
Speaker 3: in the street. Maybe we're in Byron, maybe I will

482
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:22,719
Speaker 3: past Crim's all attractive.

483
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:25,240
Speaker 2: Matt and I have a theory that everyone has a

484
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:29,040
Speaker 2: hot filter on here, like everyone just looks so beautiful, so.

485
00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:32,679
Speaker 1: Many surfer dudes, Like you know, we both walked.

486
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,720
Speaker 3: Fast to Hemsworth brother at some point, and it's like,

487
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,320
Speaker 3: you know, what if I I could be honest with

488
00:22:37,359 --> 00:22:40,040
Speaker 3: my partner and say like, I saw this super hot

489
00:22:40,119 --> 00:22:42,959
Speaker 3: man and you know, for a flicker of a moment,

490
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:46,840
Speaker 3: my brain went into a fantasy there. Or I could

491
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:49,520
Speaker 3: just sort of not share that, and it's not not

492
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:51,840
Speaker 3: being honest, but it's just also being mindful of how

493
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:54,119
Speaker 3: that's going to land for someone else, right, Or I

494
00:22:54,119 --> 00:22:56,360
Speaker 3: could share it and be like, such a silly thing

495
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:57,320
Speaker 3: like this happened.

496
00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,119
Speaker 1: You know you can. You can choose the way you

497
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,120
Speaker 1: share that information, and I think that matters too.

498
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:04,600
Speaker 2: You will laugh when we see hemy. My boyfriend will

499
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:08,840
Speaker 2: text and be like Aisle seven woolies thaw, and I'll

500
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,040
Speaker 2: be like, I'm there, I'm there.

501
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:12,840
Speaker 1: I think we both have an equal crush on him.

502
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:13,879
Speaker 1: That's why. Yeah.

503
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:16,439
Speaker 2: But I also think, like the way you said about silly,

504
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,320
Speaker 2: like you could deliver it like in a silly way.

505
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:21,840
Speaker 2: I think that lightness as well, if your relationship has

506
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,720
Speaker 2: that element. I've been in a relationships before where that

507
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:25,600
Speaker 2: element isn't there, and it wouldn't.

508
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:29,280
Speaker 1: Be it wouldn't feel right to share.

509
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,320
Speaker 2: Something like probably because and I'm about I really want

510
00:23:31,359 --> 00:23:32,920
Speaker 2: to talk about the stages of probably, because I was

511
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:34,840
Speaker 2: in a chaotic glob at that stage of the game,

512
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,560
Speaker 2: that's it. But like when you feel safe, it is

513
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:39,680
Speaker 2: it does feel you do feel safe to make a

514
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:41,800
Speaker 2: little joke like, oh God, wouldn't mind a bit of thaw,

515
00:23:42,359 --> 00:23:46,359
Speaker 2: you know, yeah, And usually the second person will be like, yeah,

516
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:49,119
Speaker 2: me too, so gorgeous. To be fair, I think if

517
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:52,280
Speaker 2: I saw Thor in the supermarket, my partner would be like,

518
00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:56,720
Speaker 2: why didn't you text me? Exactly exactly. It's so fun.

519
00:23:56,800 --> 00:24:00,360
Speaker 2: It's so fun when you see thought. Okay, so one,

520
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,480
Speaker 2: can you teach me about the three stages of love?

521
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,280
Speaker 1: Because as I was reading it, I was like.

522
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:09,200
Speaker 2: Oh, oh yes, yes, you've nailed it. So let's share

523
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:09,879
Speaker 2: it with a listener.

524
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:10,840
Speaker 1: It's so cool.

525
00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:14,800
Speaker 3: So these stages we all typically if we're on a

526
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,439
Speaker 3: growth journey in our lives through relationships and love, we

527
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:21,040
Speaker 3: will move through all of these stages. Ideally, some people

528
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,479
Speaker 3: move through it with just one person and they're like

529
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:25,560
Speaker 3: maybe they were high school sweethearts and they went through

530
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:29,000
Speaker 3: their rocky times and they kind of grow together. But

531
00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:31,639
Speaker 3: a lot of us will have these stages with different people.

532
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,720
Speaker 3: The first stage is base love, and that is where

533
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:37,359
Speaker 3: you tend to sort of find yourself in a relationship

534
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:41,680
Speaker 3: where maybe it's not quite who you would really choose

535
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:43,679
Speaker 3: for yourself, but you don't know yourself enough at that

536
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,640
Speaker 3: point to even have that awareness.

537
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:47,760
Speaker 1: It's maybe who your parents would have liked you to

538
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:48,359
Speaker 1: be with.

539
00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:50,399
Speaker 3: And you sort of come together and it's nice and

540
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:53,560
Speaker 3: it's good and it's easy enough. But then for some

541
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,440
Speaker 3: reason your life parts go in different directions. Maybe there's

542
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:59,359
Speaker 3: that sort of immature someone cheats on someone that you're young,

543
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:02,800
Speaker 3: or you move to different cities to study, and so

544
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:05,800
Speaker 3: eventually we sort of move on. For me and my

545
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:08,720
Speaker 3: experience of that, I just had this calling of well,

546
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:11,239
Speaker 3: ultimately my inner child needed to do more healing, and

547
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,399
Speaker 3: I was kind of I just felt like it was

548
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:16,600
Speaker 3: it had reached the end. And then we move into

549
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:21,480
Speaker 3: Chaotic Club, which is where it is Heaven, Kryptonitemate, and

550
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:24,000
Speaker 3: it is hell yeah, like all at once, so all

551
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:25,960
Speaker 3: your dreams come true and you just think, oh my god,

552
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:28,160
Speaker 3: I didn't know love could be this good. We're addicted

553
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,800
Speaker 3: to each other, this is so passionate, and all your

554
00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:33,200
Speaker 3: wounds come up as well, and it's just like awful

555
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,760
Speaker 3: at the same time, or further down the track it

556
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:37,680
Speaker 3: becomes really really horrible.

557
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,920
Speaker 1: So it's a big roller coaster, but all for our growth.

558
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,239
Speaker 3: And so if you're in the chaotic love and you're

559
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:46,800
Speaker 3: kind of like I keep attracting emotionally unavailable people, I'm

560
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:50,560
Speaker 3: in a toxic relationship, whatever it might be, just know

561
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,600
Speaker 3: that if you can do your lessons, if you can

562
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:56,960
Speaker 3: work through and realize, oh damn, look I'm not speaking

563
00:25:57,040 --> 00:26:00,199
Speaker 3: up for myself or I'm allowing this to have in,

564
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:02,959
Speaker 3: you start to grow and evolve. And that's where we

565
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:05,960
Speaker 3: move into the next stage, which is expansive love, which

566
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:09,560
Speaker 3: is where we have become a more mature partner. We

567
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:13,040
Speaker 3: are showing up for ourselves essentially, and that allows us

568
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:15,960
Speaker 3: to be more of one of those interdependent relationships where

569
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,399
Speaker 3: we can be side by side in life. It's not

570
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:23,399
Speaker 3: like intense and crazy like the chaotic love. It's much

571
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:26,640
Speaker 3: more of like a temperate climate and everything's a lot

572
00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:30,119
Speaker 3: more stable. We still have conflicting still come up, but

573
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:33,040
Speaker 3: that's also part of just living life in a mature

574
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:37,000
Speaker 3: context with another human being. So we grow together, is

575
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:40,119
Speaker 3: the summary of the expansive love, and that becomes a

576
00:26:40,119 --> 00:26:42,680
Speaker 3: really exciting, fulfilling journey to embark upon.

577
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:47,320
Speaker 2: So nice hearing that as well, like but also just

578
00:26:47,359 --> 00:26:49,440
Speaker 2: a question on that is it? And this might be

579
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:53,159
Speaker 2: a massive blanket, but provide if you don't say, with

580
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:56,760
Speaker 2: that high school sweetheart, beautiful based love and like it's

581
00:26:56,800 --> 00:27:00,160
Speaker 2: a really like always think your first love if it's

582
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,919
Speaker 2: that style and base like it's a really beautiful, like

583
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:07,720
Speaker 2: warm hug. Yeah, but that chaotic one for me was

584
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:10,520
Speaker 2: all like a big chunk of my twenties and it was.

585
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,320
Speaker 1: A good decade.

586
00:27:13,119 --> 00:27:15,480
Speaker 2: And then it was not until like thirty one where

587
00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:18,000
Speaker 2: I had a much clearer sense of self that I

588
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:22,120
Speaker 2: met Bosso, who's in the room but doing work. And

589
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:25,520
Speaker 2: it was a full, almost to the day, ten years

590
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:29,440
Speaker 2: between my base love and meeting Matt and he's the

591
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:32,720
Speaker 2: crazy thing. They both had the same careers. Yeah, how

592
00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:33,440
Speaker 2: weird is that?

593
00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:36,040
Speaker 3: So you went on this whole evolution and then you

594
00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:38,160
Speaker 3: came back to some of those things were still right

595
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:41,840
Speaker 3: and aligned for you. So those qualities, those themes, Yeah, but.

596
00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,880
Speaker 2: The amount of chaos in that ten years. Mate. My therapist,

597
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:49,639
Speaker 2: the hypnotherapists wonder how walked in He goes, right, how

598
00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:51,879
Speaker 2: long are you going to date narcissis slola because we

599
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:53,359
Speaker 2: need to put it into this And I was like,

600
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,720
Speaker 2: oh my god, my god, I love your therapist.

601
00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:57,800
Speaker 1: No, yeah, he's brutal. He's the best.

602
00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:00,800
Speaker 3: Like sometimes we need that because chaotic lif is grueling,

603
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:04,359
Speaker 3: but it's also like terribly difficult to break out of.

604
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:06,520
Speaker 1: Like I was there, Lola. That's why I wrote this book.

605
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:09,159
Speaker 3: I was like, how the hell do I stop getting

606
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:11,679
Speaker 3: in these cycles? Because it was like I knew how

607
00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:14,679
Speaker 3: to manage anxiety everywhere else in my life, but dating

608
00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:17,040
Speaker 3: someone or getting in a relationship it was my achilles

609
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:19,439
Speaker 3: heel and then I'd just be flawed and I just

610
00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:20,840
Speaker 3: felt like a shell of myself.

611
00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:22,679
Speaker 1: Well, I think you're not alone.

612
00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:27,240
Speaker 2: I think this is like it's like common in like

613
00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:30,639
Speaker 2: I think about like the uptick in like all the

614
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:33,520
Speaker 2: different dating apps, Like people are looking and wanting to

615
00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:35,800
Speaker 2: find that right person. Matt and I meant on bumble

616
00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:38,480
Speaker 2: women on dating app. But my point is is like

617
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:41,320
Speaker 2: people are out there looking and wanting to get out

618
00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:43,600
Speaker 2: of those like patterns or habits. And I like the

619
00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:47,240
Speaker 2: way that you have kind of shared in other interviews

620
00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:49,360
Speaker 2: that like it can be a childhood pattern. Two, Like

621
00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:51,680
Speaker 2: your dad was really busy and working all the time,

622
00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:54,120
Speaker 2: and so you would pick people that maybe you weren't

623
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:56,920
Speaker 2: the first priority. Maybe you were kind of like were

624
00:28:56,920 --> 00:28:59,280
Speaker 2: more into their work than you, and like it kind

625
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:01,680
Speaker 2: of makes sense when you look back at the way,

626
00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:02,480
Speaker 2: like that would have.

627
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:04,880
Speaker 1: Been a normal value system for you, exactly.

628
00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:08,080
Speaker 3: Like classic example, So my dad was really busy all

629
00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:10,800
Speaker 3: the time and very inconsistently available, so you have a

630
00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:11,920
Speaker 3: lot of time for me, not.

631
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:14,400
Speaker 1: Very interested in me as a person.

632
00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:16,520
Speaker 3: It was kind of like, you know, he was loving

633
00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:18,960
Speaker 3: at moments, but like you know, it was rare and

634
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:22,720
Speaker 3: so like loved me, I guess underneath. But that led

635
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:26,160
Speaker 3: to that norm for me in relationships, which was, oh,

636
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:28,080
Speaker 3: it's okay if they don't message me.

637
00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:30,920
Speaker 1: For three days, they're just busy. They're just busy with work.

638
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:33,840
Speaker 3: They still like me, they still you know, love me,

639
00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:36,840
Speaker 3: they're just busy. Like that was so normal, whereas when

640
00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:38,800
Speaker 3: I met my current partner, it was like such a shock.

641
00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:41,120
Speaker 1: He calls me multiple times a day.

642
00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:43,080
Speaker 3: Yes, so nice, And I was like, yeah, I know,

643
00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:45,000
Speaker 3: it's the best thing, but at the time, like it

644
00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:47,200
Speaker 3: was so unfamiliar. I was like, oh, this is a

645
00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:50,440
Speaker 3: bit much, but I love it because it was just

646
00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:53,920
Speaker 3: so strange for the unhealed part of me to have

647
00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:57,840
Speaker 3: someone that was actually interested in being connected like all

648
00:29:57,840 --> 00:29:59,080
Speaker 3: the time, like all throughout the day.

649
00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:01,160
Speaker 1: I was like, this is great. I love it.

650
00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:03,440
Speaker 2: Did it take a bit of you've got being like,

651
00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:07,040
Speaker 2: because obviously you've had to break that pattern of like

652
00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:10,560
Speaker 2: the kryptonity chaotic switch. Did it take a little bit?

653
00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:12,720
Speaker 2: Like And I love that you wrote this in this

654
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:15,560
Speaker 2: section of the book because I was like, oh my god,

655
00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:18,480
Speaker 2: that's how I was with Matt. Like Matt wasn't my

656
00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:21,360
Speaker 2: usual type in any way, Like he looked different, he

657
00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:24,880
Speaker 2: was like all the everything was different about him, and

658
00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:26,360
Speaker 2: like it was the first time in ten years that

659
00:30:26,360 --> 00:30:28,280
Speaker 2: I've been with a creative again, Like I was always

660
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:31,920
Speaker 2: going for these like very careery, probably the same thing

661
00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:35,520
Speaker 2: as you, Like they've valued their worth on what car

662
00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:37,520
Speaker 2: they drove, and like I didn't realize I was probably

663
00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:40,280
Speaker 2: doing the same. Like it was so because obviously you

664
00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:42,440
Speaker 2: bring in a mirror of where you're at as well.

665
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:45,560
Speaker 2: But did it take a little bit for you to

666
00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:48,280
Speaker 2: kind of like settle into this really healthy love?

667
00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:49,400
Speaker 1: Yeah?

668
00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:52,120
Speaker 3: I mean, you know what was the surprise for me?

669
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:54,240
Speaker 3: Because I remember thinking, how is this story going to

670
00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:55,680
Speaker 3: turn out? Because I know it's going to be a

671
00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:58,840
Speaker 3: bit different than what I've had before, and the kicker

672
00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:01,840
Speaker 3: is that there are death equalities in my current partner

673
00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:04,840
Speaker 3: that are still similar to my dad. And it was

674
00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:07,920
Speaker 3: this realization of I don't need someone exactly opposite to that.

675
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:12,120
Speaker 3: It's about a healthier version of that, which is was

676
00:31:12,160 --> 00:31:12,959
Speaker 3: my big surprise.

677
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:16,720
Speaker 1: I was like, what, this is crazy? But yeah.

678
00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:20,360
Speaker 3: It was definitely a sort of a journey of like

679
00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:24,400
Speaker 3: going for I went for. I thought I could outsmart

680
00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:27,560
Speaker 3: that process by thinking if I go some completely opposite

681
00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:30,640
Speaker 3: and different I was dating, you know, Germans and just

682
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:32,960
Speaker 3: like overseas in BALI going on dates. I was open

683
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:35,920
Speaker 3: to anything. But it turned out what was actually compatible

684
00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:39,440
Speaker 3: for me was you know, someone in Australia that actually

685
00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:42,200
Speaker 3: came from we both come from the southern part of Australia,

686
00:31:42,240 --> 00:31:44,760
Speaker 3: you know, like we have a similar value system. And

687
00:31:44,760 --> 00:31:47,400
Speaker 3: I realized that for me that actually worked really well.

688
00:31:47,680 --> 00:31:49,200
Speaker 1: And you've just mentioned value system.

689
00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:52,400
Speaker 2: How important is it to find someone that there is

690
00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:53,680
Speaker 2: an alignment of values?

691
00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:55,000
Speaker 1: Super important?

692
00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:57,680
Speaker 3: Because even if we want different things, and I have

693
00:31:57,680 --> 00:31:59,560
Speaker 3: a chapter about that, what if we want like a

694
00:31:59,560 --> 00:32:01,680
Speaker 3: different stuff in our lives, like someone wants to go

695
00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:04,240
Speaker 3: on a psychedelic journey and the other partners really triggered

696
00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:07,760
Speaker 3: by that, and like, where can we find the common

697
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:11,120
Speaker 3: ground in the values behind that and we can figure

698
00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:14,920
Speaker 3: out that we'll actually in both of those journeys, there's

699
00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:19,680
Speaker 3: still the desire for freedom, the desire for family and connection,

700
00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:22,680
Speaker 3: and then we can find some common ground to understand

701
00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:25,239
Speaker 3: each other and make sure our sort of visions are

702
00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:28,520
Speaker 3: aligned for our lives. But yeah, it takes figuring out

703
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:29,920
Speaker 3: the bigger picture to get there.

704
00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:30,800
Speaker 1: Oh, I love it.

705
00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:34,920
Speaker 2: Okay, So I love this what if part of the book. Yes,

706
00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:40,880
Speaker 2: And I wrote down some of my faves can and

707
00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:43,400
Speaker 2: I love the bit I've written a note about Maximus

708
00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:44,240
Speaker 2: your cat here.

709
00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:47,760
Speaker 1: What if I can't be alone?

710
00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:52,160
Speaker 2: Like, loneliness is a big thing for people, So personally this,

711
00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:53,000
Speaker 2: I'm the opposite.

712
00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:54,000
Speaker 1: I'm a wolf, Like.

713
00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:57,640
Speaker 2: I'm like I need a loan time now and I

714
00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:02,960
Speaker 2: will like separate myself from everyone and just like take

715
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:04,920
Speaker 2: myself to the movies or something like I have to

716
00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:07,520
Speaker 2: be alone. Like it's a really really important value of mine.

717
00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:09,600
Speaker 2: And Matt and I are very different in that, Like

718
00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:13,080
Speaker 2: Matt is Italian and grown up with lots of people

719
00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:15,680
Speaker 2: around him, and that's a really important value for him

720
00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:20,800
Speaker 2: to be around people, and I love it too. But

721
00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:23,320
Speaker 2: that thing, the way people don't think I'm an interroviet

722
00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:25,600
Speaker 2: I'm really an introviet, is that I'm like, oh, but

723
00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:29,880
Speaker 2: I recharge by like being alone and doing things alone.

724
00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:33,320
Speaker 2: So what if you've got either of those fears One,

725
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:35,479
Speaker 2: I need my loon time. I need my lone time,

726
00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:38,480
Speaker 2: scared I'm going to lose it. And then two, well,

727
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:41,280
Speaker 2: I can't be alone, like I'm scared of being lonely.

728
00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:43,760
Speaker 3: Love this so much. I love that you've taken those

729
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:45,400
Speaker 3: two sections of the book. Can put them next to

730
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:48,360
Speaker 3: each other. Well, what if I can't be alone? If

731
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:50,720
Speaker 3: we've got that fear that you just like, oh, I

732
00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:52,920
Speaker 3: don't want to be alone. Firstly, I have to say

733
00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:54,680
Speaker 3: it took me a bit of a journey to figure

734
00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:58,040
Speaker 3: this out that that's actually okay to not want to

735
00:33:58,080 --> 00:34:01,440
Speaker 3: be alone, because it is a very human need to

736
00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:03,600
Speaker 3: want connection and to want to be around others. And

737
00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:07,240
Speaker 3: me we exactly, we are hardwired for that. So when

738
00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:09,160
Speaker 3: I sort of I went through a bit of a

739
00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:13,040
Speaker 3: phase of loneliness myself and I just found I moved

740
00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:13,640
Speaker 3: to Byron.

741
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:15,479
Speaker 1: I was here for a couple months.

742
00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:17,080
Speaker 3: At the start, it was all great new and then

743
00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:19,520
Speaker 3: I was like, there was just this time period where

744
00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:22,040
Speaker 3: all my friends, everyone was just busy in doing other things,

745
00:34:22,160 --> 00:34:24,520
Speaker 3: and I just happened to hit these few weeks where

746
00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:26,719
Speaker 3: oh there was no one to hang out with and

747
00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:28,640
Speaker 3: I was just with myself and I thought, Okay, well,

748
00:34:28,640 --> 00:34:31,360
Speaker 3: I'm going to confront this loneliness. Then I've got an

749
00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:34,760
Speaker 3: appetite to find any of those niggerli parts of myself

750
00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:38,440
Speaker 3: and figure them out. And what I learned as well

751
00:34:38,719 --> 00:34:41,319
Speaker 3: was not only is it okay to want connection, and

752
00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:44,840
Speaker 3: it's not really natural for us to spend long periods

753
00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:47,640
Speaker 3: of time alone. It's just not what we're designed for.

754
00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:51,440
Speaker 3: I also discovered this connection to nature that's always available

755
00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:53,480
Speaker 3: to us as well. Like I was starting to talk

756
00:34:53,520 --> 00:34:55,960
Speaker 3: to the birds and the trees.

757
00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:58,160
Speaker 1: My world mate, and that was great.

758
00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:00,160
Speaker 3: And actually, Lola, I wonder if a lot of the

759
00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:03,560
Speaker 3: time you spend to recharge on your own, you're in nature,

760
00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:06,880
Speaker 3: right and kind of there is still a connection happening.

761
00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:09,680
Speaker 3: You're just getting a different form of connection. So this

762
00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:11,640
Speaker 3: question of you know, what if I need this space

763
00:35:11,680 --> 00:35:13,320
Speaker 3: all the time, I need to get away from people.

764
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:17,000
Speaker 3: We think that we want to disconnect, but that's the

765
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,960
Speaker 3: opposite of what one of our most fundamental needs is,

766
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:23,440
Speaker 3: which is connection. So what we're really seeking is connection.

767
00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:26,279
Speaker 3: But maybe we're needing some time to connect with ourselves,

768
00:35:26,719 --> 00:35:29,120
Speaker 3: some time to not have to like put on the

769
00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:32,160
Speaker 3: mask of when I'm around another person. I just I'm

770
00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:33,760
Speaker 3: always wondering, you know, are you okay?

771
00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:35,360
Speaker 1: Do you need something? Can I be there for you?

772
00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:37,600
Speaker 3: Or I have to be a certain version I've got

773
00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:40,279
Speaker 3: to be, you know, bubbly, I've got to be interesting

774
00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:43,080
Speaker 3: and when no one's around, oh, I can just be

775
00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:45,560
Speaker 3: me right. And this is why we never need space

776
00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:48,399
Speaker 3: from our pets, because you like, I can walk around

777
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:50,360
Speaker 3: naked in front of you. I don't like. There's nothing

778
00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:52,839
Speaker 3: yeah wrong with a pet being around. They're never going

779
00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:55,359
Speaker 3: to demand a certain version of you. They just love

780
00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:56,160
Speaker 3: you as you are.

781
00:35:56,480 --> 00:35:59,200
Speaker 2: Are you a Gladiator fan? If you've called your cat Maximus,

782
00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:00,600
Speaker 2: that's a good question.

783
00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:03,759
Speaker 3: That's I mean, I did watch Gladiator, but it's not

784
00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:04,720
Speaker 3: really connected.

785
00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:07,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, oh mate, I was about to say, all the

786
00:36:07,120 --> 00:36:10,240
Speaker 2: second one with Paul Mescale and Pedro Pascal is great.

787
00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:13,400
Speaker 1: I haven't seen that yet. I do need to watch it.

788
00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:17,600
Speaker 2: Oh, I've got I have such a crush on Pedro Pascal.

789
00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:19,360
Speaker 2: My boyfriend knows I've got a T shirt with his

790
00:36:19,400 --> 00:36:22,360
Speaker 2: face on it, and I was actually I was walking

791
00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:25,960
Speaker 2: with our mutual friend Ordana this morning and I was like, oh,

792
00:36:26,080 --> 00:36:28,560
Speaker 2: you should see this. It's got my husband Pedro Pescal

793
00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:31,919
Speaker 2: in it. Like literally, that's how I talk. But Matt

794
00:36:31,960 --> 00:36:34,319
Speaker 2: and I love teasing each other about it. Again, I

795
00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:39,920
Speaker 2: think it's about if the relationship has that lightness and

796
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:43,920
Speaker 2: that really open communication is like also, I wouldn't just

797
00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:48,440
Speaker 2: whip that one out in front of anybody, but it's

798
00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:53,160
Speaker 2: I love the way you talk about like the safety

799
00:36:53,239 --> 00:36:57,080
Speaker 2: you need to feel in a in like the when

800
00:36:57,719 --> 00:36:59,640
Speaker 2: when you're in a healthy relation. I heard you talk

801
00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:02,440
Speaker 2: about this on the Life on Cut pod and you're like, no,

802
00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:04,520
Speaker 2: I'm in a really good relationship. Now you are like,

803
00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:07,799
Speaker 2: I fear and how important is it for us to

804
00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:10,200
Speaker 2: feel like safe in a relationship.

805
00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:13,760
Speaker 3: Well, I feel that if we could sort of define

806
00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:17,400
Speaker 3: the goal point for the expansive love partnership, It's like

807
00:37:17,440 --> 00:37:19,800
Speaker 3: there is this safety that we find that we could

808
00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:21,920
Speaker 3: not find in Chaotic Club. We thought we found it,

809
00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:23,520
Speaker 3: but it was like false safety.

810
00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:26,480
Speaker 2: It was like Aladdin's little rug and someone can wrap

811
00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:28,640
Speaker 2: it out underneath and new plummet.

812
00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:30,919
Speaker 3: Well one of my long term relationships in Chaotic Club,

813
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:32,719
Speaker 3: Like he was saying, I'm going to marry you. I

814
00:37:32,719 --> 00:37:34,839
Speaker 3: can see our wedding day, like we're going to live here.

815
00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:37,279
Speaker 3: But it was all fantasy. Not a lot of that

816
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:40,520
Speaker 3: was really actually grounded in reality. And you know, I'm

817
00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:42,520
Speaker 3: sure he meant it at the time he thought he did.

818
00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:45,640
Speaker 3: But so what real safety looks like? And this is

819
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:47,800
Speaker 3: what we all kind of go on that journey to find.

820
00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:51,080
Speaker 3: I think finally in our thirties, we value it. We

821
00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:54,080
Speaker 3: actually value what safety brings to our life. And we've

822
00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:57,160
Speaker 3: gone through enough knocks and bumps and bruises to realize

823
00:37:57,160 --> 00:38:02,800
Speaker 3: that it's this knowing that there is a person who's

824
00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:04,719
Speaker 3: got your back, that they are going to be with

825
00:38:04,760 --> 00:38:07,160
Speaker 3: you in the hospital room. This is not the person

826
00:38:07,200 --> 00:38:10,560
Speaker 3: that's just like sexy and spicy and you know, going

827
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:13,440
Speaker 3: to go and have a fun, wild experience with you, like,

828
00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:15,879
Speaker 3: this is someone who's going to be with you through

829
00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:19,560
Speaker 3: the challenges of life. There's a reliability that we see

830
00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:22,960
Speaker 3: that maybe a wounded version of us is not or

831
00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:26,320
Speaker 3: a previous sort of younger version of us isn't valuing

832
00:38:26,560 --> 00:38:28,399
Speaker 3: you know, we kind of go, oh, I don't want

833
00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:31,200
Speaker 3: that because like I just well, there's still a part

834
00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:34,839
Speaker 3: of a seeking to heal these these unresolved patterns by

835
00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:38,799
Speaker 3: attracting in the perfect person who's going to bring up

836
00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:43,120
Speaker 3: all the lessons. So we learn to value that reliability.

837
00:38:43,239 --> 00:38:48,080
Speaker 3: There's a sense of consistency. They actually call you, text you,

838
00:38:48,239 --> 00:38:51,279
Speaker 3: show up. There's a predictable pattern. You'll notice that they're

839
00:38:51,400 --> 00:38:54,400
Speaker 3: kind and not just to you, but to other people,

840
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:58,680
Speaker 3: to uber drivers, to wait staff, Like oh, that was

841
00:38:58,719 --> 00:39:01,239
Speaker 3: such a like heine eye a ha moment for me.

842
00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:05,200
Speaker 3: It's like, oh, this is like such a telltale of

843
00:39:05,239 --> 00:39:06,160
Speaker 3: the kind of person they are.

844
00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:07,719
Speaker 1: There's a genuineness to them.

845
00:39:07,880 --> 00:39:10,040
Speaker 3: They will encourage you to have your own interests, not

846
00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:12,800
Speaker 3: just you know, you've got to be into what I'm into.

847
00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:15,319
Speaker 3: They want you to have your own friends, they want

848
00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:17,399
Speaker 3: you to go for your own dreams, and they'll try

849
00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:19,239
Speaker 3: and support you in that as best as they can.

850
00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:23,360
Speaker 3: And these are the qualities that just like, yeah, we

851
00:39:24,440 --> 00:39:26,440
Speaker 3: might take a long time for us to actually see,

852
00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:29,799
Speaker 3: but that's what creates intimacy in our lives. That's what

853
00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:32,640
Speaker 3: creates a relationship that can go the distance.

854
00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:35,680
Speaker 2: I love the I love the way you said kind

855
00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:40,160
Speaker 2: not just to us, but in and in a like

856
00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:43,080
Speaker 2: social environment outside of the relationship, because you get the

857
00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:46,959
Speaker 2: especially the start of dating, it's like universe, God, whatever

858
00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:50,120
Speaker 2: you want to call it, gives you these little little

859
00:39:50,160 --> 00:39:52,959
Speaker 2: like the rose colored glasses just pop down for a second.

860
00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:55,480
Speaker 1: You're like, whoa, hang on. I remember I was at

861
00:39:55,520 --> 00:39:56,080
Speaker 1: a restaurant.

862
00:39:56,120 --> 00:39:59,200
Speaker 2: I was head over heels with a kryptonite chaotic and

863
00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:03,640
Speaker 2: the waitress forgot to bring over cutlery oh no, and

864
00:40:04,239 --> 00:40:06,239
Speaker 2: he kind of snapped at her, and so I got

865
00:40:06,360 --> 00:40:08,680
Speaker 2: up and went got the cutler and apologized to her,

866
00:40:09,840 --> 00:40:11,839
Speaker 2: and I walked back down and sat down, and he goes,

867
00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:14,360
Speaker 2: you should go for a job here, And I was like,

868
00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:16,480
Speaker 2: peak of my book. Career, like I was doing really

869
00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:19,200
Speaker 2: well career wise, and I was like, oh, you're a

870
00:40:19,200 --> 00:40:23,120
Speaker 2: bit main, you're a mean, which turns to unhappy. That's

871
00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:25,160
Speaker 2: obviously lay and I have it brilliant in so many

872
00:40:25,200 --> 00:40:27,319
Speaker 2: other ways by the way this person, but it was

873
00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:30,640
Speaker 2: a real kryptonite kind of love because to me they

874
00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:34,440
Speaker 2: were like would move mountains, but at the cost of

875
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:37,440
Speaker 2: like the way that other people treated I was like, oh, yucky.

876
00:40:37,640 --> 00:40:40,360
Speaker 3: And also there's an inconsistency with that hot and cold,

877
00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:43,040
Speaker 3: like I'm sure sometimes he was great with you, yeah,

878
00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:45,600
Speaker 3: but then like because otherwise why would we stay? I

879
00:40:45,600 --> 00:40:48,359
Speaker 3: think this is the misconception with these unhealthy relationships where

880
00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:50,399
Speaker 3: we kind of look at it like, oh, like why

881
00:40:50,400 --> 00:40:52,760
Speaker 3: would someone stay in that? But it's because there's good stuff,

882
00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:55,320
Speaker 3: Like there's the oh, like they see me in the

883
00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:57,480
Speaker 3: way no one else does, and all of this great stuff,

884
00:40:57,480 --> 00:41:00,480
Speaker 3: but then there is these key moments where they also

885
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:01,680
Speaker 3: bring it in. Yeah.

886
00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:03,360
Speaker 1: I have two more questions for you.

887
00:41:03,360 --> 00:41:05,080
Speaker 2: I could talk to you all day long, and the

888
00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:06,560
Speaker 2: last one's going to end out in one of my

889
00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:09,560
Speaker 2: own fears. But I have to ask you this, and

890
00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:12,680
Speaker 2: this is a very pop culture question, but have you

891
00:41:12,840 --> 00:41:14,839
Speaker 2: seen it ends with us? And how did you feel

892
00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:17,080
Speaker 2: about the way that love was portrayed?

893
00:41:17,480 --> 00:41:18,080
Speaker 1: Oh?

894
00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:21,680
Speaker 3: I mean goodness, Like, yeah, yeah, I've seen it, and

895
00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:26,000
Speaker 3: I thought the ending scene was so unrealistic unfortunately, like

896
00:41:26,080 --> 00:41:27,280
Speaker 3: I was moved in the moment.

897
00:41:27,400 --> 00:41:30,200
Speaker 1: So where can I spoil it? Yeah? Spoiler spoiler alert, guys.

898
00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:32,799
Speaker 3: When when Blake has her baby or you know her

899
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:34,719
Speaker 3: character and two minutes.

900
00:41:34,520 --> 00:41:36,240
Speaker 1: Later is like waiting divorced?

901
00:41:36,360 --> 00:41:38,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, and she says straight away, we're getting divorced, and

902
00:41:38,160 --> 00:41:40,680
Speaker 3: he handles that well and the fact that he just

903
00:41:40,719 --> 00:41:43,359
Speaker 3: gets it and he's like, oh, you're right, Like I

904
00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:46,080
Speaker 3: am toxic and I am bad for the baby, and

905
00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:48,120
Speaker 3: like that's not how it would go down in the

906
00:41:48,160 --> 00:41:51,080
Speaker 3: real world. Unfortunately, people have too much people who are

907
00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,879
Speaker 3: like that, who can't see themselves. There's way too much

908
00:41:53,920 --> 00:41:56,200
Speaker 3: shame that they don't want to look at within themselves,

909
00:41:56,200 --> 00:41:59,840
Speaker 3: so they'll jump into protection and like defensive mode and

910
00:42:00,320 --> 00:42:04,319
Speaker 3: you know, arguing. So that was quite unrealistic, but absolutely

911
00:42:04,320 --> 00:42:07,000
Speaker 3: that relationship was ah yeah.

912
00:42:06,719 --> 00:42:08,120
Speaker 1: Not so safe, not sa at all.

913
00:42:08,239 --> 00:42:11,680
Speaker 2: No. Well, for the listener, it's like DV and a

914
00:42:11,680 --> 00:42:13,560
Speaker 2: little bit of I would say sexual assault was in

915
00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:18,720
Speaker 2: there as well, and it the pattern of Blake Lively's

916
00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:21,080
Speaker 2: character is that she kind of like downplays the deep

917
00:42:21,239 --> 00:42:23,240
Speaker 2: that doesn't mean to but out of protecting.

918
00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:24,000
Speaker 1: And loving him so much.

919
00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:27,760
Speaker 2: Ryle I think his character's name is she keeps going

920
00:42:27,800 --> 00:42:30,400
Speaker 2: back and then you don't realize until he really crosses

921
00:42:30,440 --> 00:42:33,640
Speaker 2: the line that all the flashback scenes show all this

922
00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:35,839
Speaker 2: DV and it makes you it does make you as

923
00:42:36,840 --> 00:42:39,279
Speaker 2: reading your book and looking at that chaotic love because

924
00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:41,799
Speaker 2: I'm sure, that's where that would fall if we had

925
00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:45,200
Speaker 2: to put into yeah, one of the styles of love,

926
00:42:45,239 --> 00:42:48,359
Speaker 2: and obviously it's toxic and unhealthy as well, but it

927
00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:51,960
Speaker 2: does make you realize, not realize, but like almost feel

928
00:42:52,000 --> 00:42:54,720
Speaker 2: for like a female in that scenario, because you're like, fuck,

929
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:56,600
Speaker 2: you would want to see the best and it'd.

930
00:42:56,440 --> 00:42:58,480
Speaker 1: Be so good and like like.

931
00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:01,600
Speaker 2: You're saying that amazing, like why old sex and spicy,

932
00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:03,440
Speaker 2: and and they'd be.

933
00:43:03,719 --> 00:43:06,840
Speaker 1: So loyal, so dedicated, like it's so handsome.

934
00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:10,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, but it's I was like, I've got to ask

935
00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:12,680
Speaker 2: you because I imagine it would have do you know.

936
00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:15,799
Speaker 2: I went to in lay the influencer like screening of it,

937
00:43:15,880 --> 00:43:20,960
Speaker 2: and they didn't play the warning, and so there was

938
00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:25,320
Speaker 2: a scene where the whole the whole theater was like inhaling,

939
00:43:25,560 --> 00:43:28,279
Speaker 2: but I was and I remember telling you, friend, far out,

940
00:43:28,320 --> 00:43:31,000
Speaker 2: I hope by the time it comes out, And I

941
00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:33,239
Speaker 2: was so happy when I watched again on a plane

942
00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:35,680
Speaker 2: and straight away there was a drigger warning, yeah, how good,

943
00:43:35,920 --> 00:43:37,879
Speaker 2: Like I was like great, And there was like at

944
00:43:37,880 --> 00:43:40,680
Speaker 2: the end all the helplines to call like I love

945
00:43:40,760 --> 00:43:43,080
Speaker 2: that they By the time it got to the public,

946
00:43:43,520 --> 00:43:48,320
Speaker 2: it was so like I want to say, like packaged

947
00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:50,560
Speaker 2: up in a way where people knew what they were

948
00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:52,480
Speaker 2: going into, and then at the end there were like

949
00:43:52,600 --> 00:43:54,160
Speaker 2: these are the resources.

950
00:43:54,239 --> 00:43:56,400
Speaker 3: Definitely, And on the plus side, I will say, Lola,

951
00:43:56,480 --> 00:43:59,960
Speaker 3: it did quite accurately depict what it's like to lie

952
00:44:00,080 --> 00:44:02,440
Speaker 3: to yourself in a scenario like that, the way that

953
00:44:02,480 --> 00:44:05,120
Speaker 3: you said like that, then all the flashbacks happened and

954
00:44:05,160 --> 00:44:07,680
Speaker 3: she was like, oh, wait, now I see it. But

955
00:44:07,719 --> 00:44:10,000
Speaker 3: it's quite like that because we're lost in a fantasy.

956
00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:12,080
Speaker 3: And I think if I could also add another like

957
00:44:12,520 --> 00:44:14,839
Speaker 3: clue to what it feels like in the chaotic love

958
00:44:14,880 --> 00:44:18,840
Speaker 3: you're lost in fantasy. Often you're excusing behavior, shouldn't excuse

959
00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:21,960
Speaker 3: you're you're ignoring what you're actually feeling. You're saying, no,

960
00:44:22,040 --> 00:44:24,840
Speaker 3: that's okay, it's all right, we love each other so

961
00:44:24,960 --> 00:44:29,719
Speaker 3: much and clinging to this love story to excuse the

962
00:44:29,760 --> 00:44:32,399
Speaker 3: pain the things that aren't right.

963
00:44:32,760 --> 00:44:35,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, totally thank you for talking about that. I was like,

964
00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:36,080
Speaker 1: I hope she's seen it.

965
00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:42,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, But I will say Blake Love is Fashion was incredibleble.

966
00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:43,279
Speaker 3: Extra reviews on that. I mean, I don't really mind

967
00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:44,160
Speaker 3: either way, Like I was.

968
00:44:44,440 --> 00:44:48,200
Speaker 2: I liked it fashon cool. Yeah, I loved it. I

969
00:44:48,239 --> 00:44:49,600
Speaker 2: was like, I'm here for the heir, I'm here for

970
00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:50,080
Speaker 2: the fashion.

971
00:44:50,440 --> 00:44:51,640
Speaker 1: So good. Yeah, love it.

972
00:44:51,920 --> 00:44:53,319
Speaker 2: I have to ask you about this one and this

973
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:57,080
Speaker 2: is it is written in this book, but I feel

974
00:44:57,120 --> 00:44:59,480
Speaker 2: like anyone can relate to it. And I find it

975
00:44:59,520 --> 00:45:02,600
Speaker 2: a lot with that acting stuff in LA And it's

976
00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:05,360
Speaker 2: the fear of rejection. What if I'm not good enough?

977
00:45:05,560 --> 00:45:08,759
Speaker 2: And so every time I send a self tape in America,

978
00:45:08,920 --> 00:45:10,480
Speaker 2: if you send it an audition off and it's a

979
00:45:10,520 --> 00:45:13,120
Speaker 2: self tape and you don't get it, you don't get

980
00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:15,600
Speaker 2: any feedback. You just hear donuts like you just hear nothing,

981
00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:17,239
Speaker 2: and then the next audition will come through and you've

982
00:45:17,280 --> 00:45:18,080
Speaker 2: completely forgotten.

983
00:45:18,080 --> 00:45:19,919
Speaker 1: It's like a very big act of.

984
00:45:19,880 --> 00:45:22,839
Speaker 2: Non attachment and letting go and putting your heart into

985
00:45:22,920 --> 00:45:23,959
Speaker 2: it all at the same time.

986
00:45:24,200 --> 00:45:26,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, And most of.

987
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:28,120
Speaker 2: The time I'm pretty good with like yoga practice and

988
00:45:28,120 --> 00:45:31,960
Speaker 2: stuff and like these self care mechanisms.

989
00:45:31,200 --> 00:45:32,920
Speaker 1: To be really good with the letting go.

990
00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:36,280
Speaker 2: But sometimes I'll be like, ah, wow, that's like sixteen

991
00:45:36,320 --> 00:45:37,840
Speaker 2: rejections in a row.

992
00:45:38,800 --> 00:45:41,279
Speaker 1: Am I good enough for this job? You know?

993
00:45:41,400 --> 00:45:43,920
Speaker 2: Like it really makes you doubt and question yourself. So

994
00:45:44,200 --> 00:45:48,040
Speaker 2: how can we the listener deal with fear of rejection.

995
00:45:48,400 --> 00:45:51,520
Speaker 3: Well, I want to say, firstly, it's so natural to

996
00:45:51,640 --> 00:45:55,879
Speaker 3: have that, taking it personally experience initially right like, that's

997
00:45:55,960 --> 00:45:58,600
Speaker 3: just your human self is just always going to feel

998
00:45:58,600 --> 00:46:02,000
Speaker 3: that a little like, oh, and that's okay because you

999
00:46:02,040 --> 00:46:05,200
Speaker 3: can also have this other awareness that sees through that

1000
00:46:05,320 --> 00:46:08,840
Speaker 3: story and sees where it's coming from. Now, when we're children,

1001
00:46:09,239 --> 00:46:12,759
Speaker 3: our greatest two needs more than food and water is

1002
00:46:12,800 --> 00:46:16,399
Speaker 3: to be accepted and not be rejected. So this takes

1003
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:18,759
Speaker 3: us right back to being a child, Like, there will

1004
00:46:18,800 --> 00:46:21,080
Speaker 3: be moments when you were a child when you were criticized,

1005
00:46:21,080 --> 00:46:23,120
Speaker 3: you were yelled at for something, you did the wrong thing,

1006
00:46:23,520 --> 00:46:26,799
Speaker 3: and in that moment of rejection, it's bringing you into

1007
00:46:26,840 --> 00:46:29,319
Speaker 3: an emotional flashback from the past. So when we can

1008
00:46:29,320 --> 00:46:32,000
Speaker 3: start to see that, you see, oh, that's not the

1009
00:46:32,160 --> 00:46:35,920
Speaker 3: adult me right now, that's my inner child feeling this pain,

1010
00:46:36,040 --> 00:46:38,759
Speaker 3: feeling this rejection. And what did she need or what

1011
00:46:38,800 --> 00:46:41,960
Speaker 3: did he need to feel enough in that moment? What

1012
00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:44,560
Speaker 3: could have an adult, a loving parent have said in

1013
00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:47,080
Speaker 3: that moment And we can be that for ourselves. You

1014
00:46:47,080 --> 00:46:48,759
Speaker 3: can close your eyes, you can see the pain, you

1015
00:46:48,800 --> 00:46:50,560
Speaker 3: can be like, oh, yeah, there were times when I

1016
00:46:50,600 --> 00:46:52,960
Speaker 3: was a kid and I didn't feel enough. What if

1017
00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:55,959
Speaker 3: someone had told me, like, you're great, you're a good kid,

1018
00:46:56,080 --> 00:46:58,880
Speaker 3: You're enough, And we can take this another step further.

1019
00:46:58,960 --> 00:47:01,520
Speaker 3: We can see what some of those key criticisms you

1020
00:47:01,600 --> 00:47:04,719
Speaker 3: received as a child. Maybe you were frequently told your selfish,

1021
00:47:04,760 --> 00:47:08,400
Speaker 3: you're lazy, or that you're not prepared enough, or something

1022
00:47:08,480 --> 00:47:10,839
Speaker 3: like that, and you could easily feel that as an actor, right,

1023
00:47:11,400 --> 00:47:14,080
Speaker 3: And if you look at each of those criticisms, I

1024
00:47:14,120 --> 00:47:17,840
Speaker 3: want you to see what's the positive of those qualities.

1025
00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:20,920
Speaker 3: So if you're lazy, well, that actually is required for

1026
00:47:20,960 --> 00:47:22,680
Speaker 3: you to be able to rest, and if we don't rest,

1027
00:47:22,719 --> 00:47:25,560
Speaker 3: we're going to get burnt out. If you're selfish, well,

1028
00:47:25,760 --> 00:47:28,640
Speaker 3: that's required for you to honor your own needs and

1029
00:47:28,800 --> 00:47:30,719
Speaker 3: have boundaries and ask what you need.

1030
00:47:30,760 --> 00:47:31,640
Speaker 1: And there is a.

1031
00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:34,319
Speaker 3: Positive aspect to that too, we can start to neutralize it.

1032
00:47:34,680 --> 00:47:37,880
Speaker 3: If you're under prepared, well, there's also a requirement for

1033
00:47:37,920 --> 00:47:42,480
Speaker 3: some efficiency. We can't just get lost in constantly preparing, preparing, preparing.

1034
00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:45,040
Speaker 3: It's like you get and can get lost in collecting

1035
00:47:45,120 --> 00:47:48,160
Speaker 3: degrees or studying another qualification. At some point, we just

1036
00:47:48,200 --> 00:47:51,040
Speaker 3: want to take action so that part of you that

1037
00:47:51,360 --> 00:47:52,759
Speaker 3: might take action unprepared.

1038
00:47:53,440 --> 00:47:56,360
Speaker 1: There's a positive to that too, we can neutralize it.

1039
00:47:56,360 --> 00:47:58,279
Speaker 1: It's so healing. So there's a practice in the book

1040
00:47:58,320 --> 00:48:00,360
Speaker 1: to go through all that. I love it. I love it.

1041
00:48:00,360 --> 00:48:03,000
Speaker 2: That's such a great idea and it takes the power

1042
00:48:03,040 --> 00:48:04,000
Speaker 2: out of it straight away.

1043
00:48:05,080 --> 00:48:06,279
Speaker 1: All right, Master.

1044
00:48:06,160 --> 00:48:11,880
Speaker 2: Relationship Anxiety is officially out now, and you the listener

1045
00:48:12,239 --> 00:48:15,040
Speaker 2: can read this ripper of a book and I'll put

1046
00:48:15,080 --> 00:48:16,480
Speaker 2: all the details in the show notes.

1047
00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:19,000
Speaker 1: Thank you for jumping on the pod, Georgie, my pleasure.

1048
00:48:19,080 --> 00:48:21,560
Speaker 1: It's been so much fun. What's your goal with this book?

1049
00:48:21,600 --> 00:48:24,520
Speaker 1: What do you hope it does? I want it to.

1050
00:48:26,120 --> 00:48:28,760
Speaker 3: Get out there further than my first book, if possible,

1051
00:48:29,120 --> 00:48:29,520
Speaker 3: and I'm.

1052
00:48:29,440 --> 00:48:32,200
Speaker 1: Letting go Oprah knock on Oprah's well.

1053
00:48:32,320 --> 00:48:35,480
Speaker 3: I set the intention of just a very open one

1054
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:37,040
Speaker 3: of I want it to blow my mind with what's

1055
00:48:37,080 --> 00:48:39,800
Speaker 3: possible because the first one did so now I'm okay

1056
00:48:39,800 --> 00:48:40,640
Speaker 3: with it being different.

1057
00:48:40,880 --> 00:48:42,719
Speaker 1: But let's just see. Ah.

1058
00:48:42,760 --> 00:48:45,279
Speaker 2: Well, mate, I'm so excited for you, and I can't

1059
00:48:45,280 --> 00:48:47,120
Speaker 2: wait for people launch tonight and I'm wanted.

1060
00:48:46,920 --> 00:48:50,160
Speaker 1: To be seeing it. Yeah, I can't wait too, Thanks Lola.

1061
00:48:50,320 --> 00:48:52,200
Speaker 1: Thanks mate.

1062
00:48:53,960 --> 00:48:59,600
Speaker 2: That's a wrap on another episode of fearlessly failing as always.

1063
00:48:59,719 --> 00:49:02,360
Speaker 2: Thank you, Thank you to our guests, and let's continue

1064
00:49:02,400 --> 00:49:04,120
Speaker 2: the conversation on Instagram.

1065
00:49:04,680 --> 00:49:09,840
Speaker 1: I'm at Yamo Lollerberry. This potty my work for podcast

1066
00:49:10,400 --> 00:49:12,960
Speaker 1: is available on all streaming platforms.

1067
00:49:13,400 --> 00:49:16,400
Speaker 2: I'd love it if you could subscribe, rate and comment

1068
00:49:16,640 --> 00:49:18,560
Speaker 2: and of course spread the love.