1 00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:08,799 Speaker 1: Hi, and welcome. This is episode thirteen of The Happy 2 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:12,400 Speaker 1: Family's podcast. My name doctor Justin Coulson, and this is 3 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:17,119 Speaker 1: the podcast that's dedicated to making your family happier. In 4 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:22,920 Speaker 1: today's podcast, Innocence Lost, we're talking about the public health 5 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:26,599 Speaker 1: crisis that is pornography and the way that it's affecting 6 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:28,960 Speaker 1: our children. Now, I do need to warn you that 7 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:31,800 Speaker 1: in today's podcast, I'm going to be discussing some content 8 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:36,040 Speaker 1: that is of a highly sensitive nature. Personally, I think 9 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:38,760 Speaker 1: that if your children over maybe the age of nine 10 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,720 Speaker 1: or ten, that they actually should hear what's being said, 11 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:44,040 Speaker 1: but you might feel differently. So this is a warning. 12 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:47,720 Speaker 1: Some listeners may find some of the themes, some of 13 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:51,120 Speaker 1: the content that's discussed today offensive. In fact, I actually 14 00:00:51,159 --> 00:00:53,960 Speaker 1: hope that you do. If you don't, then that I'm concerned. 15 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:57,320 Speaker 1: But the discretion is advised when considering whether or not 16 00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:00,800 Speaker 1: you should let your children listen to this podcast. If 17 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,800 Speaker 1: you do, usually listen in the car and the kids 18 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,160 Speaker 1: are participating. Now most weeks, the Happy Family podcast has 19 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,319 Speaker 1: a number of different segments where we look at a 20 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,920 Speaker 1: range of issues confronting parents, but today it's just one 21 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:16,800 Speaker 1: entire podcast dedicated only to this single topic. In the 22 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:20,400 Speaker 1: last few weeks, I attended a conference, a symposium about 23 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:23,520 Speaker 1: pornography and the way that it harms young people. It 24 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:28,399 Speaker 1: was Tuesday, February ninth, the activist group Collective Shout that 25 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:31,920 Speaker 1: I'm really big fans of Collective Shout. They campaign for 26 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:36,400 Speaker 1: a world free of sexploitation. It's a women's and children's 27 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,360 Speaker 1: advocacy group, really and they do wonderful work. And they 28 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:43,800 Speaker 1: hosted Australia's first symposium on the harm that pornography does 29 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:50,880 Speaker 1: to children. Experts from all backgrounds agree pornography is hurting 30 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,400 Speaker 1: our children. Now I'm going to spend some time sharing 31 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:56,040 Speaker 1: the things that were reinforced at the conference that every 32 00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:59,480 Speaker 1: parent needs to know about because the reality is that 33 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,360 Speaker 1: your children will see pornography. But what you'll also get 34 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:07,480 Speaker 1: from me in this podcast, because I'm not a pornography expert, 35 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:11,240 Speaker 1: is you'll get parenting content. In other words, I'm going 36 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,560 Speaker 1: to tell you how you can deal with this as 37 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,799 Speaker 1: a parent, what you can say to your children, and 38 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:21,680 Speaker 1: how to get these difficult conversations started. So let's get 39 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:24,000 Speaker 1: into it. During the week I went out and about 40 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:27,400 Speaker 1: I grabbed my iPhone and my voice recorder and started 41 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:32,440 Speaker 1: asking parents their opinions about pornography and what kids are 42 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,359 Speaker 1: up to with it and how to talk to them 43 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:37,280 Speaker 1: about it. And the results of my very small sample 44 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:41,840 Speaker 1: conversations were quite fascinating. I wanted to know whether I'm 45 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:44,000 Speaker 1: the only parent who's worried about this stuff. 46 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,519 Speaker 2: I'm concerned about it because I think that what would 47 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:48,920 Speaker 2: be available out there would be very disturbing and would 48 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:51,399 Speaker 2: probably be giving boys and girls the wrong messages. 49 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:53,679 Speaker 1: How concerning do you think it is or do you 50 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:55,480 Speaker 1: think that it's just, you know, boys being boys and 51 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:56,520 Speaker 1: girls being curious. 52 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:00,799 Speaker 3: I think some of them might be boys and their 53 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:03,960 Speaker 3: nature or the way the hormones work or their mind works. 54 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,120 Speaker 3: But I think it's probably the adults around them that 55 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:10,280 Speaker 3: being a bit I guess too easy with the material 56 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,440 Speaker 3: that they're viewing, and it's around the kids in the home. 57 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:17,640 Speaker 4: This is something I've been thinking about quite recently. I 58 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,640 Speaker 4: in my role, use a lot of social media in 59 00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:23,760 Speaker 4: my job, and I looked up a very innocent hashtag 60 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:29,639 Speaker 4: on Instagram the other day, and the hashtag, i'll say 61 00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:33,800 Speaker 4: it was hashtag autumn. And when I went into Autumn, 62 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:38,800 Speaker 4: my mind was blown at the pictures that confronted me. 63 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:41,920 Speaker 4: They had nothing to do with the season. It was 64 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:45,720 Speaker 4: full on triple X rated the images that I came across, 65 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:49,320 Speaker 4: and that's when I actually started thinking this might be 66 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:50,840 Speaker 4: something I need to look into further. 67 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:56,240 Speaker 5: Yeah, really concerns, especially with iPads and the technology nowadays. Well, 68 00:03:56,320 --> 00:04:00,360 Speaker 5: those like measures you can take parental likes and things, 69 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,720 Speaker 5: and you have to monitor your kids the whole time. 70 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:06,440 Speaker 1: So your children will see pornography. It's not a matter 71 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:12,200 Speaker 1: of if, but when. Why is that? Well, pornography is everywhere. 72 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:15,560 Speaker 1: Some analysis indicates that up to thirty percent of all 73 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:20,599 Speaker 1: Internet traffic is pornographic. Thirty percent. Now, some will argue 74 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,760 Speaker 1: that it's a lot lower, somewhere around about four percent, 75 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,839 Speaker 1: but I think that somewhere between four and thirty is 76 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:29,200 Speaker 1: still a lot of Internet traffic, and most experts would 77 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:32,720 Speaker 1: agree it's it's on the high side there. Installing filters 78 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:35,520 Speaker 1: is useful and you should at least consider it because 79 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:39,680 Speaker 1: that will save your children accidentally stumbling on stuff. But 80 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:41,800 Speaker 1: that's not enough. Kids can get around filters. There's all 81 00:04:41,839 --> 00:04:44,560 Speaker 1: sorts of ways, and apart from that, even if you 82 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:46,800 Speaker 1: go as far as to keep devices out of bedrooms, 83 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,480 Speaker 1: which I think is essential. It's not going to protect 84 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:53,000 Speaker 1: your children fully because there are things called neighbors and friends, 85 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:55,520 Speaker 1: and maybe your children's friends are okay, but they've got 86 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:58,080 Speaker 1: a big brother or a father or an uncle law, 87 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:00,479 Speaker 1: or somebody else in the home who's exposed them to it. 88 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:02,119 Speaker 1: Or maybe there's just a big kid on the bus 89 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,480 Speaker 1: that's got a loud mouth and a big iPad screen, 90 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:08,159 Speaker 1: or somebody else somewhere else will expose your child to 91 00:05:08,279 --> 00:05:12,599 Speaker 1: pornography if your child's not already looking for it. I 92 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,240 Speaker 1: said this at the start, and I'm going to say 93 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,920 Speaker 1: it a few times. Pornography is a public health crisis. 94 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:21,920 Speaker 1: It used to just be the wowserish and religiously conservative 95 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:25,560 Speaker 1: voices that we're concerned about pornography, but it's no longer 96 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:30,960 Speaker 1: an issue of morality. Pornography is genuinely changing society, and 97 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:33,560 Speaker 1: the change isn't good. So we'll talk about that throughout 98 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:37,039 Speaker 1: this podcast as well. But when do our children actually 99 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,280 Speaker 1: come across pornography for the first time? Where do they 100 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:42,000 Speaker 1: see it for the first time? I asked a handful 101 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,200 Speaker 1: of parents at the school gate, and we'll hear them 102 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:45,800 Speaker 1: tell us what they think. 103 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:49,760 Speaker 6: Right after this, your conference starts in five minutes. People 104 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:52,840 Speaker 6: are inside taking their chairs. I wonder what's going to 105 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:56,440 Speaker 6: happen next. Perhaps you're worried about the guest speakers. What 106 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:59,600 Speaker 6: will they say? Will it be appropriate, relevant and up 107 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:02,280 Speaker 6: to day? Will it be evidence based? Is it going 108 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:05,240 Speaker 6: to be stimulating? You want people to come to you 109 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,839 Speaker 6: at the end of the day and say, Wow, thanks 110 00:06:07,839 --> 00:06:11,400 Speaker 6: for organizing today. I took so much away from the conference. 111 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:16,279 Speaker 6: Doctor Justin Coulson can help. He speaks to school kids, teachers, parents, 112 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:20,440 Speaker 6: and professionals about families and happiness because we all want 113 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:25,599 Speaker 6: happier families, happier classrooms, and happier workplaces. So what's your 114 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:28,800 Speaker 6: next conference about? To learn more about getting a speaker 115 00:06:28,839 --> 00:06:32,120 Speaker 6: who will help your audience learn, laugh, and leave with 116 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:36,120 Speaker 6: practical tools that will empower them to be happier, more productive, 117 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:40,240 Speaker 6: and better parents, teachers, people, and if you'd like the 118 00:06:40,279 --> 00:06:43,719 Speaker 6: credit for having chosen that speaker, visit Happy Families dot 119 00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:47,200 Speaker 6: com dot au for more information about booking Doctor Justin 120 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,800 Speaker 6: Coulson as a speaker at your next conference. 121 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,440 Speaker 1: Just before the break, I mentioned that I spoke to 122 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:56,120 Speaker 1: some parents about when they think that their children stumble 123 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:59,280 Speaker 1: across pornography for the first time at what age. Well, 124 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,400 Speaker 1: find out what those parents thought, I asked them while 125 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,479 Speaker 1: I was down at the local school earlier this week. 126 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,159 Speaker 2: Oh, I'd love to think about eighteen, but I'm probably 127 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,080 Speaker 2: thinking maybe twelve. 128 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:11,440 Speaker 4: I do think I read recently that boys as young 129 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:15,000 Speaker 4: as fourteen might be seeing it, perhaps they've got older siblings, 130 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:20,200 Speaker 4: or that perhaps they're finding it when they're using computer techtonology. 131 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:22,800 Speaker 3: My child's four, so I'm glad I haven't had to 132 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,920 Speaker 3: do that yet. But I guess it's listening to their 133 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:30,520 Speaker 3: prompts and cues and when they're asking questions, maybe not 134 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,400 Speaker 3: being afraid to get into it. 135 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:35,400 Speaker 1: Then what happens if they never ask you the question, 136 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 1: Then you just got to pick that time and do it. 137 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:41,000 Speaker 1: One parent told me about her seven year old He 138 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:45,520 Speaker 1: was exposed to pornography in the school classroom. He was 139 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:49,280 Speaker 1: exposed because one of his friends in the school classroom 140 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:52,280 Speaker 1: at the age of seven, who had three older brothers. 141 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,760 Speaker 1: I might add, this friend said, my brothers told me 142 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,240 Speaker 1: to look up bottom and bum and the school filters 143 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:00,880 Speaker 1: don't stop you from looking it up. Look And so 144 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,040 Speaker 1: these kids looked up bottom and balm, and what they 145 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:06,040 Speaker 1: discovered was a lot more than just bottoms and bums. 146 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,320 Speaker 1: Now that was quite curious for him, and they all 147 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,880 Speaker 1: snickered and giggled. But then this little boy said, my 148 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:14,200 Speaker 1: big brother said you should go home and look up 149 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,800 Speaker 1: naked ladies. You can't see it at school, but you 150 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,280 Speaker 1: know when you go home, you'll be able to see it. 151 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,400 Speaker 1: So this little boy went home and he said to 152 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:21,920 Speaker 1: his mum, I just want to go up to my bedroom. 153 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:23,240 Speaker 1: I want to have some quiet time and do some 154 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:26,360 Speaker 1: stuff on the computer. I'll come down for afternoon too shortly. 155 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,160 Speaker 1: And Mum straight away thought, I know what he's going 156 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,160 Speaker 1: to do. He's going to go up and he's going 157 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:32,160 Speaker 1: to play Minecraft. He's going to sit in his room 158 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,040 Speaker 1: and instead of having afternoon team and doing homework, he's 159 00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:36,000 Speaker 1: going to play Minecraft. I'll let him go and I'll 160 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:37,839 Speaker 1: sneak up in a minute and i'll catch him out 161 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,760 Speaker 1: and I'll get him in strife. So she walked up 162 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:43,120 Speaker 1: the stairs and walked into the bedroom and caught him out. 163 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,480 Speaker 1: But he was not playing Minecraft. He was looking up 164 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:50,319 Speaker 1: naked ladies. He'd misspelled it. But even with that misspelling, 165 00:08:50,559 --> 00:08:56,600 Speaker 1: she said, what he got was a whirlwind of pornographic exposure. Now, 166 00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:59,600 Speaker 1: she talked to him and found out that not only 167 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,400 Speaker 1: was this particular boy coming to school and telling everyone 168 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,400 Speaker 1: what to look up based on what the big brothers 169 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:07,600 Speaker 1: had said, but that these seven year olds were routinely 170 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,760 Speaker 1: being told by a couple of the boys in the 171 00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:14,120 Speaker 1: classroom that were looking at it every day what they 172 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:18,000 Speaker 1: were seeing. And she said, I feel like my little 173 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:21,600 Speaker 1: boy's lost his innocence. Now, some parents might say that's crazy. 174 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,880 Speaker 1: We're talking about seven year olds and eight year olds. 175 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:27,000 Speaker 1: Surely it's not really that big of a problem. Well, 176 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,360 Speaker 1: if your children know between ten and twelve, chances are 177 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:32,560 Speaker 1: they have seen pornography. In fact, the research tells us 178 00:09:32,559 --> 00:09:36,040 Speaker 1: that the average age of pornography is somewhere around about 179 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:39,040 Speaker 1: the age of eleven. That research is fairly old, and 180 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:42,040 Speaker 1: it may well be somewhere closer to eight or nine 181 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:45,920 Speaker 1: is the average age, certainly for little boys, and probably 182 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,960 Speaker 1: not far off that for little girls as well. Now 183 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,920 Speaker 1: they're seeing it, they're seeing it way too young, and 184 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:55,160 Speaker 1: it is a tragic case of innocence lost when you 185 00:09:55,200 --> 00:10:01,280 Speaker 1: see your seven year old seeing pictures of women masturbating men, 186 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:06,120 Speaker 1: or women masturbating themselves, or getting involved in some other 187 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:09,920 Speaker 1: sexual practices with the vision and the video right there 188 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,199 Speaker 1: in front of their seven year old eyes, seeing images 189 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,880 Speaker 1: of anal sex and oral sex and a whole lot 190 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,520 Speaker 1: of other stuff that you really wouldn't want to talk 191 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,240 Speaker 1: about it at all. And when they see an ad 192 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:20,040 Speaker 1: on the TV or on the side of a bus, 193 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:22,400 Speaker 1: you see that little seven year old looking at it 194 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,760 Speaker 1: differently to how they might have looked at it had 195 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:30,160 Speaker 1: they not lost that innocence. Now, this particular mum had 196 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:33,120 Speaker 1: some really important conversations with the son, but the thing 197 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:36,040 Speaker 1: that upset her most was that he didn't actually want 198 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:39,600 Speaker 1: to see it, but once he had seen it, that 199 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:44,319 Speaker 1: curiosity inside him grew. He wanted to know even more. 200 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,560 Speaker 1: And now he still wants to see it sometimes. He 201 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:49,240 Speaker 1: is still seven, and he actually said one time to 202 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:51,240 Speaker 1: his mom, Mum, I know I shouldn't want to see it, 203 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:53,800 Speaker 1: but sometimes I just I just want to look at it, 204 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:57,839 Speaker 1: and I'm curious about it, and I can't get the 205 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,760 Speaker 1: things that I've seen out of my head. He can't 206 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:04,720 Speaker 1: unsee it, he can't get that innocence back. Now. The 207 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:08,840 Speaker 1: reality is that our children are walking around, no, we 208 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:12,160 Speaker 1: are all walking around with porn in our pocket. It's 209 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:16,199 Speaker 1: right there, and as I mentioned, the research says that 210 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,600 Speaker 1: kids by about the age of eleven are seeing and 211 00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:23,000 Speaker 1: in fact, the best research that we've got is quite outdated. 212 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:26,600 Speaker 1: As you can imagine, doing research with children and asking 213 00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:31,400 Speaker 1: them about their pornography viewing habits is an ethically challenging 214 00:11:31,559 --> 00:11:33,640 Speaker 1: place to research. There's not a lot of funding for it, 215 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,400 Speaker 1: and apart from that, not many parents that are okay 216 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:38,480 Speaker 1: with researchers asking they're seven and eight nine year olds 217 00:11:38,559 --> 00:11:41,160 Speaker 1: what they do with porn So we don't have a 218 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,520 Speaker 1: lot of great research. The best research that I'm aware 219 00:11:43,559 --> 00:11:45,600 Speaker 1: of comes from two thousand and six, in a report 220 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,840 Speaker 1: that indicated that over ninety percent of our thirteen to 221 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:52,520 Speaker 1: sixteen year old boys have seen pornography and more than 222 00:11:52,559 --> 00:11:54,920 Speaker 1: sixty percent of girls have also seen it. Now you 223 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,839 Speaker 1: think about it, two thousand and six, that was before 224 00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:59,319 Speaker 1: we had smartphones and tablets, it was before we had 225 00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:04,040 Speaker 1: four G and we've had enormous technological advancement since that report. 226 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,480 Speaker 1: Like I said, I think that the average age now 227 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:10,160 Speaker 1: is probably less than ten, maybe nine. Some experts that 228 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,920 Speaker 1: I've spoken to would argue that maybe it's around about 229 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:15,640 Speaker 1: the age of eight, and while that's the average. What 230 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:18,720 Speaker 1: that means is that there are plenty of children who 231 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:20,559 Speaker 1: fall below the average, just as there are some who 232 00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:22,760 Speaker 1: come in after the average. There are kids who are 233 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,319 Speaker 1: five and six and seven who are being exposed to pornography. 234 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,560 Speaker 1: We all hope that our children will be the ones 235 00:12:27,559 --> 00:12:29,160 Speaker 1: that don't see it at all, or not until they're 236 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:32,319 Speaker 1: much older. But we're talking about a fairly young average 237 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,880 Speaker 1: age here. Let's think about this from their perspective for 238 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:39,920 Speaker 1: a second. This means that they are seeing people have 239 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:44,480 Speaker 1: sex on a screen before they've ever felt the hand 240 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:50,520 Speaker 1: of somebody that they're interested in hold theirs. They're seeing 241 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:54,000 Speaker 1: this imagery before they've ever felt those butterflies in their 242 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,960 Speaker 1: stomach that come before you put your arm around someone 243 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:59,760 Speaker 1: for the first time, before they've ever kissed somebody, before 244 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:02,839 Speaker 1: they even really know what it is to feel romantic 245 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:05,960 Speaker 1: or intimate feelings for another person, before they know the 246 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:09,640 Speaker 1: pleasure of feeling someone's skin against their own, before they 247 00:13:09,679 --> 00:13:15,319 Speaker 1: even know what's actually happening on that screen, and by 248 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:19,720 Speaker 1: the way, it is everywhere. The UK Children's Commissioner released 249 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:21,280 Speaker 1: to report a couple of years ago. I'll link to 250 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,360 Speaker 1: it in the show notes at happy Families dot com 251 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,319 Speaker 1: dot I use slash podcast slash thirteen as in the 252 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:30,640 Speaker 1: number thirteen, and this report was called basically pawn is everywhere. 253 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,480 Speaker 1: It's available for free. Like I said, I'll put it 254 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,400 Speaker 1: into the show notes so that you can access it. 255 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:38,720 Speaker 1: It's a fascinating read. And what the UK Children's Commissioner 256 00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:45,280 Speaker 1: report provides more evidence of is that pornography proliferates everything online, 257 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:48,560 Speaker 1: especially social media. It's all over Twitter, it's all over Tumblr, 258 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:52,240 Speaker 1: it's riddled throughout Instagram, which, by the way, each of 259 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:56,120 Speaker 1: those social media sites has an advisory age of thirteen plus. 260 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,680 Speaker 1: That's the thirteen plus age guideline. Kids under thirteen shouldn't 261 00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:01,959 Speaker 1: be on them. But i'll tell you what, you don't 262 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,640 Speaker 1: want your thirteen year old seeing some of the stuff 263 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:06,840 Speaker 1: that's there. Snapchat, by the way, also thirteen plus it's 264 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:11,319 Speaker 1: renowned for explicit content. And kick Messenger seventeen plus. For 265 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:14,520 Speaker 1: that one, by the way, is as bad, if not worse. 266 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:16,120 Speaker 1: In fact, I think it is worse than any of 267 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:18,240 Speaker 1: the ones I've just mentioned. And this is the thing. 268 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,640 Speaker 1: All of our children are on these social media sites, 269 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,800 Speaker 1: and many parents are letting them on well before the 270 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:28,320 Speaker 1: age of thirteen, and they will be exposed to it. 271 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:32,520 Speaker 1: It happens through innocent searches, through hashtags or other search operations. 272 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,680 Speaker 1: You'll find content that's completely unrelated to what you're looking 273 00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:38,960 Speaker 1: for and totally unexpected. One example, I was looking for 274 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:41,720 Speaker 1: a tree recently. I was looking for a nice scene 275 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:43,600 Speaker 1: for a blog that I was putting together. I just 276 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,360 Speaker 1: wanted to find a tree. Instagram was my first option. 277 00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:51,240 Speaker 1: I typed in tree and this Instagram social media app, 278 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,760 Speaker 1: which is the number one choice of app for most 279 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,160 Speaker 1: of our kids, may actually be one of the worst 280 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,600 Speaker 1: places that you can go because people who are producing 281 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,760 Speaker 1: pornography are using all of these innocent hashtags, so people 282 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,440 Speaker 1: will accidentally stumble on what they find. Because when they 283 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:08,360 Speaker 1: accidentally stumble on it, their curiosity is peaked, and off 284 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:11,440 Speaker 1: it goes. I think that Instagram and social media generally 285 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,480 Speaker 1: may be one of the worst places you can let 286 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,240 Speaker 1: your children play if keeping them safe from pornography is 287 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:19,840 Speaker 1: important to you. So porn is in our pockets, and 288 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:22,000 Speaker 1: it's in the pockets of our children, and it's in 289 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,840 Speaker 1: their friend's pockets and everyone else that they come in 290 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:26,960 Speaker 1: contact with who owns a smartphone or any other kind 291 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:30,120 Speaker 1: of Internet enabled device. So with all of that as background, 292 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,480 Speaker 1: next we're going to find out what parents said when 293 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:35,960 Speaker 1: I asked them how old their children should be before 294 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,720 Speaker 1: they talk about pornography. 295 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,560 Speaker 6: When it comes to toilet training, things can get a 296 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:44,840 Speaker 6: little stuck. Doctor Justin Coulson has written a no mess, 297 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:48,480 Speaker 6: no fuss ebook to help. Written for busy parents. You'll 298 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:51,880 Speaker 6: whizz through how to toilet train your child without getting 299 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:55,360 Speaker 6: bogged in too much detail. You'll find straight shooting answers 300 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:59,040 Speaker 6: about toilet training based on scientific research, like how to 301 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,560 Speaker 6: know when your child is ready to toilet train and 302 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:05,680 Speaker 6: the most popular toilet training approaches and what science says 303 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,960 Speaker 6: about them. This is the fast flowing, easy to digest 304 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,880 Speaker 6: ebook to get your kids going at the right time, 305 00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:15,360 Speaker 6: in the right place and the right way toilet training 306 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:19,600 Speaker 6: easy as one two. We available at Happy families dot 307 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:20,400 Speaker 6: com dot au. 308 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:23,040 Speaker 1: Welcome back. I'm doctor Justin Coulson and this is the 309 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:29,800 Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast Today Innocence Loss. We're talking pornography. We 310 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:33,600 Speaker 1: now know that pornography is everywhere. We also know that 311 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:37,000 Speaker 1: our children, especially unfortunately our boys, are being exposed to 312 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,920 Speaker 1: it at younger and younger ages. Nobody wants to talk 313 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,760 Speaker 1: porn with a seven year old. So I visited a 314 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,960 Speaker 1: school near my home and I ask parents, how old 315 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,680 Speaker 1: should you be before you have the porn talk with 316 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:50,560 Speaker 1: your children. Here's what parents said. 317 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,600 Speaker 7: I think it needs to be really early that you 318 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,880 Speaker 7: talk to them. We talked to our four year old 319 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:56,800 Speaker 7: about pornography. 320 00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:58,720 Speaker 1: How do you talk to a four year old about porn? 321 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:04,119 Speaker 7: We say that it's pornographies people with little or no 322 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:10,520 Speaker 7: clothes on, and that's private and we shouldn't be seeing it. 323 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:12,840 Speaker 1: Are you worried about your kids seeing it? 324 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:16,400 Speaker 7: Yes, and we basically say that you know they will 325 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,040 Speaker 7: see it, and that's if they do see it, it's 326 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,879 Speaker 7: normal to be curious, but they need to tend it 327 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,200 Speaker 7: off and come and tell us about it. 328 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:27,800 Speaker 4: I think that they need to be at an age 329 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:31,720 Speaker 4: where they probably already have an idea about the birds 330 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:33,439 Speaker 4: and the bees, first of all, so that they have 331 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:38,760 Speaker 4: some context. But unfortunately, because it's there online, as soon 332 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:45,679 Speaker 4: as they're starting to use different types of services that 333 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:47,800 Speaker 4: you can find online, you know, if they're using the 334 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:50,920 Speaker 4: Internet or if they're using iPads or anything like that, 335 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,040 Speaker 4: you need to be very very protective of what they 336 00:17:53,119 --> 00:17:56,359 Speaker 4: might find. And yeah, you need to be aware of 337 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:59,320 Speaker 4: what might be there. So I've got a ten year 338 00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,520 Speaker 4: old daughter, and sooner or later, I think I'm going 339 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,760 Speaker 4: to have to have a talk with her. I have 340 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:07,680 Speaker 4: read recently that kids of her age, maybe around eleven 341 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:11,119 Speaker 4: already might be getting exposed to it due to their 342 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:13,639 Speaker 4: older brothers or sisters. I certainly wouldn't like her to 343 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:18,040 Speaker 4: see any of it. I think it would be something 344 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:21,399 Speaker 4: that I would have to just gradually talk to her about, 345 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,560 Speaker 4: maybe when she starts asking some questions. 346 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,800 Speaker 1: What if she never asks the questions, So she's been exposed, 347 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:28,760 Speaker 1: but you don't know because she sees it at school 348 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:31,840 Speaker 1: or on the bus, or you know, at a sleepover 349 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:35,320 Speaker 1: with some friends, or she sees it somewhere and she 350 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:39,200 Speaker 1: just goes, oh, but she never actually asks you the questions. 351 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,000 Speaker 1: How do you know when to talk to them about it. 352 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:44,240 Speaker 4: That's a really good question. That's something I actually haven't 353 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:46,199 Speaker 4: thought about yet. Maybe I need to give that some 354 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:46,880 Speaker 4: more thought. 355 00:18:47,119 --> 00:18:50,760 Speaker 5: I believe ten years it's the help timam age to 356 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:52,720 Speaker 5: start talking about pornography. 357 00:18:53,359 --> 00:18:56,919 Speaker 2: I think that once kids are using the internet and 358 00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,680 Speaker 2: are able to access anything on the Internet, they should 359 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,800 Speaker 2: be that there are some things on there that are sensitive, 360 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,320 Speaker 2: and they probably don't need to know the full extent 361 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:07,879 Speaker 2: of the sort of pornography that is available on the Internet, 362 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:10,280 Speaker 2: but just to be aware that there are things on 363 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:11,520 Speaker 2: it that they shouldn't be looking at. 364 00:19:12,119 --> 00:19:15,680 Speaker 1: Today, there is no doubt that pornography is the number 365 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:18,080 Speaker 1: one sex educator of our children. And here are a 366 00:19:18,119 --> 00:19:19,840 Speaker 1: few things that it teaches. I'm going to go through 367 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:22,720 Speaker 1: these fairly quickly. You won't like what you hear. First 368 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:26,000 Speaker 1: of all, pornography teaches that harder and rougher is what 369 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,520 Speaker 1: sex is all about. If you saw pornography prior to 370 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:31,640 Speaker 1: the mid nineteen nineties, you probably think of Playboy magazines 371 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:34,199 Speaker 1: with fairly run of the mill sex between two seemingly 372 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:39,840 Speaker 1: consenting heterosexual partners. But the nature of contemporary mainstream pornography 373 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:43,160 Speaker 1: is not what it was when many of us now 374 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:46,879 Speaker 1: as parents might have been exposed to it twenty thirty 375 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:52,960 Speaker 1: forty years ago. Today's pornography models unsafe sex practices that 376 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:57,600 Speaker 1: are designed to maximize excitement for the predominantly young male 377 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:00,000 Speaker 1: viewers who are looking at it, and as they become 378 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:03,719 Speaker 1: I'm accustomed to and tolerant of what they're seeing, they 379 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,159 Speaker 1: seek out more and more extreme materials so that they 380 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:09,760 Speaker 1: can get the stimulation that they're looking for. Pornographers push 381 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:14,679 Speaker 1: boundaries to make pornography sex in pornography specifically as hard 382 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:17,320 Speaker 1: and as rough as they can, because the run of 383 00:20:17,359 --> 00:20:20,320 Speaker 1: the mill stuff doesn't excite people who have been viewing 384 00:20:20,359 --> 00:20:23,280 Speaker 1: it for a little while. They want more. So here's 385 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:26,080 Speaker 1: the second problem with pornography. Here's the second thing pornography 386 00:20:26,119 --> 00:20:30,560 Speaker 1: is teaching our children male dominance and violence against women. Now, 387 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:32,720 Speaker 1: I know that sounds a bit extreme, but hear me out. 388 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:38,040 Speaker 1: This is what researchers have discovered. Contemporary mainstream pornography today 389 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:45,600 Speaker 1: has become increasingly degrading and dehumanizing, particularly towards women. Australian 390 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:50,639 Speaker 1: documentary maker and researcher Marie Krabb reported that in top 391 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:56,240 Speaker 1: selling pornographic films, close to ninety percent of scenes contain 392 00:20:56,400 --> 00:21:03,480 Speaker 1: physically aggressive sex acts of violence. Ninety four percent of 393 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:08,119 Speaker 1: those scenes show that physical aggression and violence directly and 394 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:13,000 Speaker 1: explicitly targeted at women, and in ninety five percent of 395 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,040 Speaker 1: those cases, the women are acting as though they're actually 396 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:18,879 Speaker 1: enjoying being gagged until they vomit because of the deep 397 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:23,400 Speaker 1: throat oral sex that she's performing. So women are routinely hit, 398 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:27,560 Speaker 1: they're routinely slapped, they're routinely choked, and according to Marie's research, 399 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:30,879 Speaker 1: a new trend is emerging. She says that in movies 400 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:34,600 Speaker 1: that are coming out lately, over forty percent that's four zero, 401 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,440 Speaker 1: over forty percent of movies include what is known as 402 00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:41,280 Speaker 1: ATM that is anus to mouth. This occurs. I'm so 403 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:43,600 Speaker 1: sorry to put this into your mind. When a male 404 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:48,280 Speaker 1: concludes his anal intercourse and without washing his penis, he 405 00:21:48,359 --> 00:21:52,360 Speaker 1: receives immediate oral sex. Now all of these acts, I'm sorry. 406 00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:54,480 Speaker 1: There's no other word for it. This is dehumanizing, this 407 00:21:54,520 --> 00:22:00,000 Speaker 1: is degrading, this is debasing. This is a male who dominates, 408 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:05,120 Speaker 1: who abuses, who degrades, who gets whatever he wants from 409 00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:08,040 Speaker 1: the woman who is subservient. She's just an object. She 410 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,720 Speaker 1: is only there to give him what he wants. I 411 00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:14,520 Speaker 1: don't want my kids learning that, and I'm sure you 412 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:19,520 Speaker 1: don't want that either. That's not what intimacy is about. Okay. 413 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:22,960 Speaker 1: The next thing that they're learning is, well, they're learning 414 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,720 Speaker 1: to copy what they see. Children are learning that aggressive, 415 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:28,879 Speaker 1: penetrated violence, sex is the norm. They're seeing ejaculation on 416 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,320 Speaker 1: the face of standard sex practice. They're taught the deep 417 00:22:31,359 --> 00:22:34,840 Speaker 1: throatings what oral sex is for heterosexual anal sex as 418 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:37,920 Speaker 1: portrayed is just totally normal and an enjoyable and safe 419 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:42,040 Speaker 1: alternative to vaginal sex. And while some adults may enjoy 420 00:22:42,119 --> 00:22:45,679 Speaker 1: these practices, research tells us quite clearly that they're not 421 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:50,520 Speaker 1: practices that represent women's typical experiences of pleasure. In other words, 422 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,600 Speaker 1: if you're a woman, you typically don't enjoy this stuff. 423 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:56,480 Speaker 1: Some do. I accept that, and I understand that. And 424 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:59,200 Speaker 1: if you're an adult and you do, that's entirely your business. 425 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,680 Speaker 1: But the general experience of women is that this sort 426 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:05,520 Speaker 1: of stuff is not what they want and it does 427 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:09,280 Speaker 1: not arouse them. But the focus in pornography is entirely 428 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:13,200 Speaker 1: on male arousal, because pornography is made by males for 429 00:23:13,359 --> 00:23:15,359 Speaker 1: males who are looking for more and more extreme ways 430 00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:18,680 Speaker 1: to get their rocks off. Reports from the UK indicate 431 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:22,320 Speaker 1: that teenage girls expect to be pressured and coerced into 432 00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:24,399 Speaker 1: anal sex. They know it's going to hurt, but the 433 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:27,679 Speaker 1: expectation exists. They don't like it, they don't want to 434 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,880 Speaker 1: do it again, but they go along to get along 435 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,200 Speaker 1: because they want to make their boyfriend happy, and he'll 436 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:33,720 Speaker 1: be happy when she acts like they do in the 437 00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:36,639 Speaker 1: pornography that is viewed, and the extray and experience is 438 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,120 Speaker 1: quite similar. In the last year or so, I've seen 439 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:42,239 Speaker 1: a number of media articles that show that doctors are 440 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:44,800 Speaker 1: now reporting increasing numbers of teen girls who are needing 441 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:48,280 Speaker 1: help with anal tearing and fishes and bow problems because 442 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:51,840 Speaker 1: they wanted to please their boyfriend who'd seen pornography, seen 443 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,280 Speaker 1: anal sex and thought, well, this is what everyone does 444 00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:57,000 Speaker 1: and I need to try it out. Copycat behavior also 445 00:23:57,040 --> 00:24:01,280 Speaker 1: extends to the playground. We're seeing increasing evidence of child 446 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,600 Speaker 1: on child sexual assault, both at school and at home. 447 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:07,879 Speaker 1: The police are reporting that it's happening increasingly because pornography 448 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:11,440 Speaker 1: is proliferating. Okay, here's the fourth thing that our kids 449 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,800 Speaker 1: are learning. Sex is a performance. Pornography has taught kids 450 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:17,240 Speaker 1: that sex isn't about intimacy, it's not about relationship building, 451 00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:19,200 Speaker 1: it's not about touching the other person or feeling close 452 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:22,800 Speaker 1: to them. It's about performance. And because technology is now everywhere, 453 00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:25,280 Speaker 1: a lot of teens are producing their own pornography. There's 454 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:27,919 Speaker 1: obviously significant legal risks that go along with that, but 455 00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:32,160 Speaker 1: there's also the risk of significant embarrassment and humiliation when 456 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:33,760 Speaker 1: that guy decides that he's going to share it with 457 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:35,679 Speaker 1: his friend, or he's going to upload it to you 458 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,040 Speaker 1: porn or some other website, and he's going to share 459 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:39,919 Speaker 1: it with everybody so they can see how good he 460 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:43,280 Speaker 1: is in bed. The next thing that I want to 461 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:45,280 Speaker 1: mention just quickly is that there are other health risks, 462 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,239 Speaker 1: and I've made a couple of notes here. We've got 463 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,720 Speaker 1: other scientifically supported health risks of teens and children viewing 464 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:54,520 Speaker 1: pornography include body image issues because normal people don't have 465 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:57,560 Speaker 1: penises or vaginas or breasts that look like that or 466 00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:01,480 Speaker 1: act like that. There's sexual health issues. Condoms are not 467 00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:06,600 Speaker 1: used in pornography atm A. It's to mouth is obviously unhealthy. 468 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:12,800 Speaker 1: Multiple simultaneous penetrations of various orifices is not what we 469 00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:15,600 Speaker 1: would consider normal. That is what we would typically consider 470 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:17,399 Speaker 1: a deviant health practice, and even if you are a 471 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:20,240 Speaker 1: consenting adult, it's probably not what you want your fourteen 472 00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:23,520 Speaker 1: year olds to be trying. And the other major health 473 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:25,399 Speaker 1: risk here, and it's a legal one as well, is 474 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:30,160 Speaker 1: the issue of consent. Research shows that viewing pornography makes 475 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:32,400 Speaker 1: boys think that girls are just there for their pleasure, 476 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:39,119 Speaker 1: and it increases acceptance of rape ideology. Wow. So with 477 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:40,800 Speaker 1: all of that, there's one more argument that I'd like 478 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:42,919 Speaker 1: to make quickly about why we need to keep our 479 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:45,760 Speaker 1: kids and even ourselves away from pornography, and it's the 480 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:52,240 Speaker 1: humanitarian argument. Violence against women is the leading cause of illness, injury, 481 00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:54,880 Speaker 1: and death in fifteen to forty five year old women 482 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:59,520 Speaker 1: in this country. And what pornography does is it eroticizes 483 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:04,560 Speaker 1: the key drivers of violence against women. It makes unequal 484 00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:10,760 Speaker 1: gender relationships hot and sexy. It makes violence sexy, and 485 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:17,040 Speaker 1: it promotes this rigid sex stereotype and this rigid sex 486 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:21,679 Speaker 1: role that says that men should dominate women, and it 487 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:25,440 Speaker 1: actually enacts violence against women and tins and children when 488 00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:28,560 Speaker 1: they see this pornography, they see the images, The images 489 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:32,680 Speaker 1: are memorable, they're a motive, their brains are stimulated. They 490 00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:35,600 Speaker 1: believe new things about sex and intimacy, and their behaviors 491 00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:38,600 Speaker 1: follow the beliefs, and the behaviors follow what they've seen. 492 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:45,040 Speaker 1: And as a result, children and teens are being harmed physically, sexually, mentally, emotionally, socially, 493 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:49,800 Speaker 1: and even digitally with their online digital reputations. Pornography is 494 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:54,520 Speaker 1: seeping into every day behaviors. There was a girl that 495 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:57,520 Speaker 1: I found out about from some friends of mine. We'll 496 00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,679 Speaker 1: call her Crystal. She was a fourteen year old schoolgirl 497 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:04,480 Speaker 1: going to a major and prestigious school in one of 498 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:08,200 Speaker 1: our capital cities. And a boy one night started pestering 499 00:27:08,359 --> 00:27:12,080 Speaker 1: Crystal for an image. He wanted to see some pawn, 500 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,600 Speaker 1: but not any porn. He wanted to see her. He 501 00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:17,480 Speaker 1: wanted a nude. He wanted a nude selfie, and she 502 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:19,920 Speaker 1: said no, no, no, I won't send that to you. 503 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:22,280 Speaker 1: He kept snapchatting her, come on, send it to me. 504 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:24,479 Speaker 1: Come on, because boys are learning that the more they 505 00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,159 Speaker 1: pester and the more that they hassle and harass, the 506 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:29,560 Speaker 1: more likely it is that the girl will eventually give in. 507 00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:32,040 Speaker 1: We've got to teach our girls to never give in 508 00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:35,639 Speaker 1: and to tell us what's going on. He continued to 509 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:39,159 Speaker 1: pester her and finally started to make threats. If you 510 00:27:39,359 --> 00:27:42,520 Speaker 1: don't send me a nude, I'm going to hurt myself. 511 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:45,320 Speaker 1: And then he sent her a picture of a knife. 512 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:50,040 Speaker 1: She still refused. The next image he sent was a 513 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:54,320 Speaker 1: snapchat image of himself cutting himself and bleeding. He said, 514 00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:55,800 Speaker 1: you need to send me a pick or I'm going 515 00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:58,800 Speaker 1: to do it more. She refused. He sent another one 516 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:02,840 Speaker 1: where he was damaging himself quite significantly, so she relented. 517 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:04,879 Speaker 1: She took a top off and sent a picture of 518 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:10,159 Speaker 1: herself wearing a bra. He responded, I'm sorry, that's not 519 00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:13,080 Speaker 1: good enough. I'm not satisfied. If you don't send me 520 00:28:13,119 --> 00:28:16,520 Speaker 1: a topless photo, then I'm going to keep on cutting myself. 521 00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:21,280 Speaker 1: And eventually, after receiving some more images of him hurting himself, 522 00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:25,320 Speaker 1: she finally gave in. She sent an image of herself 523 00:28:25,359 --> 00:28:29,040 Speaker 1: topless to him, which he personally devoured, and then he 524 00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:32,679 Speaker 1: forwarded on around the school. Now, this is obviously a 525 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:34,800 Speaker 1: little boy of a fourteen thirteen year old boy with 526 00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:41,120 Speaker 1: some big problems, and technology is only facilitating his access 527 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:44,360 Speaker 1: to make that problem worse, but it's also facilitating the 528 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:47,200 Speaker 1: opportunity to make this stuff happen all the time. Fourteen 529 00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:50,040 Speaker 1: year old girls should not be dealing with this, and 530 00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:53,280 Speaker 1: nor should younger girls, and nor in fact should any 531 00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:57,840 Speaker 1: girl or boy at any age. Nobody should be harassed 532 00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:01,880 Speaker 1: to do this. This is absolutely criminal behavior. As an aside, 533 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:06,360 Speaker 1: and this is important. The school was notified when Crystal 534 00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:09,240 Speaker 1: broke down. She was absolutely shattered. She ended up telling 535 00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:11,600 Speaker 1: another family member because she couldn't bring herself to tell 536 00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:14,720 Speaker 1: her parents. That family member encouraged her to tell her parents. 537 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:19,320 Speaker 1: She eventually told her parents. Her very concerned parents contacted 538 00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:21,680 Speaker 1: the school and said, something's got to be done. We 539 00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:25,360 Speaker 1: really think that there needs to be some intervention here. 540 00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:28,560 Speaker 1: The school's response when they found out was this, and 541 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:32,600 Speaker 1: I quote, our main priority is the reputation of the school. 542 00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:37,560 Speaker 1: We're concerned that this will harm the school's reputation. Cristel's 543 00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:40,120 Speaker 1: parents were flawed. They couldn't believe what they heard. They 544 00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:43,040 Speaker 1: pushed the school to do something more than nothing because 545 00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:46,400 Speaker 1: nothing was changing, and nothing changed for a little while. 546 00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:49,640 Speaker 1: Cristal's family eventually took out an intervention in order to 547 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:52,360 Speaker 1: keep this boy away from their daughter, including at school, 548 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:54,960 Speaker 1: and the school found out obviously and contacted Cristel's parents 549 00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:58,160 Speaker 1: and informed them, quote, your family is making this very 550 00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:02,800 Speaker 1: difficult for us. I just thought, wow, what are we 551 00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:06,160 Speaker 1: supposed to do here? So I asked some parents, what 552 00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:08,440 Speaker 1: would you say to your kids? How you have this 553 00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:13,000 Speaker 1: conversation warning them about nuds or warning them about pornography generally, 554 00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:16,760 Speaker 1: And we're going to find out what they said next. Plus, 555 00:30:16,800 --> 00:30:19,360 Speaker 1: I'm going to share my tips on how to overcome 556 00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:20,760 Speaker 1: the pornography problem. 557 00:30:21,040 --> 00:30:23,800 Speaker 6: Are you pulling your hair out because your child won't listen? 558 00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:26,840 Speaker 6: Do you find yourself shouting at the children because you 559 00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:29,360 Speaker 6: just don't know what else to do? Is your child 560 00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:33,560 Speaker 6: back chatting or disrespectful? Are you finding parenting more challenging 561 00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:37,160 Speaker 6: than you ever thought possible? Doctor Justin Coulson provides one 562 00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:39,880 Speaker 6: on one parenting coaching via Skype. 563 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:41,280 Speaker 1: Or phone no matter where you are. 564 00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:47,040 Speaker 6: Receive personalized individual guidance specifically for your family's circumstances. Find 565 00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:50,680 Speaker 6: solutions to the parenting problems that are driving you crazy, 566 00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:54,440 Speaker 6: and make your family happier today. For more details and 567 00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:57,960 Speaker 6: a coaching package that will suit you, visit happyfamilies dot 568 00:30:57,960 --> 00:31:00,280 Speaker 6: com dot au forward Slashing. 569 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:03,040 Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast. You're listening to doctor 570 00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:08,200 Speaker 1: Justin Coulson and we're talking about innocence lost today, the 571 00:31:08,320 --> 00:31:10,920 Speaker 1: problem of pornography. It's a pretty heavy issue and it 572 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:14,600 Speaker 1: can leave us feeling hopeless. So I asked some parents, 573 00:31:14,720 --> 00:31:17,320 Speaker 1: what do you say to your children? How do you 574 00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:20,520 Speaker 1: teach them about pornography? Most of them stumbled and stammered 575 00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:22,840 Speaker 1: very few had anything to offer, but here's what they 576 00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:23,120 Speaker 1: told me. 577 00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:27,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, I'd probably say a lot of m and 578 00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:30,320 Speaker 2: I probably talked to my husband and try and talk 579 00:31:30,360 --> 00:31:31,560 Speaker 2: him into doing it. 580 00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:33,280 Speaker 7: I don't know. 581 00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:37,520 Speaker 5: Have to it, but I believe you have to talk 582 00:31:37,560 --> 00:31:40,880 Speaker 5: about everything. You have to talk about that that's part 583 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:44,560 Speaker 5: of the life, that's the sex. You have to address 584 00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:48,040 Speaker 5: these subjects in a way that your kids do understand 585 00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:51,400 Speaker 5: that it's not the arrieta is to start looking at 586 00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:52,360 Speaker 5: such websites. 587 00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:55,840 Speaker 4: Yeah, I think that I'll need to sit down and 588 00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:58,640 Speaker 4: perhaps talk about, first of all, the way that some 589 00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:02,160 Speaker 4: women are depicted. She's quite conservative in the way she dresses, 590 00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:06,560 Speaker 4: and she's already starting to become a lot more aware 591 00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:11,480 Speaker 4: that some people choose to do things differently, and we 592 00:32:11,560 --> 00:32:15,120 Speaker 4: might start talking about perhaps the way that as a 593 00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:17,600 Speaker 4: young woman, she views herself and the way that she'd 594 00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:18,240 Speaker 4: like other. 595 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:22,160 Speaker 1: People to view her. I'm going to interrupt you for 596 00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:24,800 Speaker 1: a sec. That's sort of the nitty gritty of getting 597 00:32:24,800 --> 00:32:26,960 Speaker 1: into the conversation. But how do you start the conversation? 598 00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:28,400 Speaker 4: I don't know. Can you tell me? 599 00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:32,720 Speaker 1: So? What do we say? Parents have got to start 600 00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:36,040 Speaker 1: to pre arm their children, pre arm means warn them 601 00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:38,040 Speaker 1: of what's coming in advance, and we've got to do 602 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:41,080 Speaker 1: it from a young age. Conversations about sex need to 603 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:44,400 Speaker 1: be part of growing up. Conversations about pornography need to 604 00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:46,640 Speaker 1: be part of that, and I think, unfortunately, we need 605 00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:49,160 Speaker 1: to start talking about this in a simplified way from 606 00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:52,120 Speaker 1: around about the age of eight. Needs to be developmenttally appropriate. 607 00:32:52,120 --> 00:32:54,040 Speaker 1: We're not going to start explaining what anal sex is 608 00:32:54,080 --> 00:32:57,280 Speaker 1: to an eight year old, but basic discussions are important. 609 00:32:57,560 --> 00:33:01,000 Speaker 1: We need to teach our children to look or we 610 00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:03,720 Speaker 1: need to teach them to tell someone. We need to 611 00:33:03,760 --> 00:33:06,000 Speaker 1: teach them, especially as they get older, to do both 612 00:33:06,000 --> 00:33:08,720 Speaker 1: of those things, and also to speak up and say, hey, 613 00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:11,479 Speaker 1: you know that's not cool. We need to teach them 614 00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:14,440 Speaker 1: not to laugh at it, that sexploitation is not funny. 615 00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:18,360 Speaker 1: And we need to teach our teens to avoid pornography 616 00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:21,920 Speaker 1: because the messages that it promotes are harmful. We need 617 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:23,720 Speaker 1: to teach them the stuff that I've shared with you today. 618 00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:27,120 Speaker 1: Teach them that if what they do is based on 619 00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:29,880 Speaker 1: what they see in pornography, they'll be having bad sex, 620 00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:32,920 Speaker 1: they'll be seen as bad lovers, and instead we need 621 00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:35,360 Speaker 1: to give them good messages about good sex. We need 622 00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:38,640 Speaker 1: to give them hope that sex and intimacy can be wonderful. 623 00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:40,800 Speaker 1: We need to teach them by the way important things 624 00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:45,160 Speaker 1: like consent and what intimacy really means, and how to 625 00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:49,040 Speaker 1: be tender and how to be thoughtful in relationships, particularly 626 00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:53,680 Speaker 1: as those relationships become intimate. When we're talking with our teenagers, 627 00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:55,920 Speaker 1: we need to stay calm. In fact, with all of 628 00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:57,840 Speaker 1: our children about this topic, We've got to stay calm, 629 00:33:57,920 --> 00:34:00,760 Speaker 1: always be calmer than them, and we should all remember 630 00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:05,520 Speaker 1: that any attempt to control their thinking or behavior will 631 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:08,759 Speaker 1: typically result in them closing up and becoming defensive and 632 00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:13,040 Speaker 1: maybe even ignoring us and possibly even acting in precisely 633 00:34:13,160 --> 00:34:15,960 Speaker 1: the opposite way to what we've requested. If we go 634 00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:18,040 Speaker 1: in with the look it's my house, it's my rules, 635 00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:21,320 Speaker 1: you're not to do it well, squash dialogue will minimize 636 00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:24,799 Speaker 1: trust and we'll just push the unwanted behavior underground. So 637 00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:27,000 Speaker 1: I think that your conversation needs to be focused on them, 638 00:34:27,360 --> 00:34:30,000 Speaker 1: and it needs to be focused on getting them to 639 00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:31,920 Speaker 1: do as much talking as possible. Let me give you 640 00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:34,239 Speaker 1: a couple of pointers on how we might do that. 641 00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:36,920 Speaker 1: First of all, we should ask them a question like, hey, 642 00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:38,359 Speaker 1: I want to talk to you about one of those 643 00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:42,879 Speaker 1: really awkward topics. Is that okay? Now, it's very rare 644 00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:44,600 Speaker 1: for a child to say no, but if they do, 645 00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:46,840 Speaker 1: respect that and then set up a time where you 646 00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:51,200 Speaker 1: can talk later, then ask them how much of kids 647 00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:53,520 Speaker 1: at school looking at pornography? For younger children, you might 648 00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:56,160 Speaker 1: even ask them if they've ever heard of pornography and 649 00:34:56,200 --> 00:34:59,680 Speaker 1: ask them what it is, But don't start by talking 650 00:34:59,719 --> 00:35:03,239 Speaker 1: about them. Start by talking about other children. That way, 651 00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:06,600 Speaker 1: it's not personal, it's just about others, and then slowly 652 00:35:06,640 --> 00:35:09,480 Speaker 1: bring it closer. You might say are your friends looking 653 00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:11,920 Speaker 1: at it? Have you ever seen it? And if they 654 00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:14,680 Speaker 1: answer no, you can say thank goodness for that, and 655 00:35:14,719 --> 00:35:16,399 Speaker 1: then start to chat with them about the things we've 656 00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:18,920 Speaker 1: talked about why they shouldn't look at it. If they 657 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:22,200 Speaker 1: answer yes, reassure them that they're not in any trouble, 658 00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:24,040 Speaker 1: and then find out what you can. Did someone show 659 00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:26,759 Speaker 1: it to you? Did you find it yourself? Now, if 660 00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:31,480 Speaker 1: you know that your child's been exposed to pornography or 661 00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:35,440 Speaker 1: is currently viewing it, don't play games with them, because 662 00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:36,800 Speaker 1: then you're just going to get them in trouble for 663 00:35:36,840 --> 00:35:39,200 Speaker 1: looking at the porn and for lying to you about it. Instead, 664 00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:43,080 Speaker 1: tell them what you know, tell them that you've found 665 00:35:43,120 --> 00:35:47,000 Speaker 1: this and you're aware of it. Tell them you're not mad. 666 00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:49,279 Speaker 1: You just need to have a conversation, because as soon 667 00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:51,560 Speaker 1: as you get mad, as soon as you stop being calm, 668 00:35:51,719 --> 00:35:58,280 Speaker 1: that conversation will be completely ineffective. Next, describe what's normal 669 00:35:58,320 --> 00:36:01,120 Speaker 1: when it comes to the speriods of pornography. You might 670 00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:03,920 Speaker 1: want to say something to them, like, when we see 671 00:36:04,280 --> 00:36:08,239 Speaker 1: stuff that is pleasurable, and pornography is for a lot 672 00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:11,879 Speaker 1: of people, our brain releases these chemicals, these feel good 673 00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:16,480 Speaker 1: chemicals called dopamine and this chemicals associated with addiction, and 674 00:36:16,520 --> 00:36:18,719 Speaker 1: it's the sort of chemical it feels so nice that 675 00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:20,879 Speaker 1: we keep going back to get more of whatever gave 676 00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:24,280 Speaker 1: us that feeling because we like how the chemical feels. 677 00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:27,400 Speaker 1: And so pretty soon we start wanting to look at 678 00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:30,160 Speaker 1: pornography more and more because it feels so good because 679 00:36:30,200 --> 00:36:34,040 Speaker 1: of this chemical in our brain. But unfortunately, that little 680 00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:36,480 Speaker 1: bit that god us excited the first time isn't quite enough, 681 00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:37,880 Speaker 1: and we've got to look for more and more of it, 682 00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:40,200 Speaker 1: and then we've got to look for more and more 683 00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:42,840 Speaker 1: extreme versions of it to give us that same good feeling. 684 00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:46,319 Speaker 1: You might ask them how they've felt after they've seen it. 685 00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:48,759 Speaker 1: They might have felt really excited while they were looking 686 00:36:48,800 --> 00:36:51,480 Speaker 1: at it, but maybe they felt a little bit dirty, 687 00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:56,239 Speaker 1: a bit icky afterwards. Focus on that feeling and help 688 00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:59,239 Speaker 1: them to understand why. Maybe ask them if they've seen 689 00:36:59,239 --> 00:37:01,480 Speaker 1: any of their friends addicted to pornography and what it's 690 00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:03,359 Speaker 1: done to them and their relationships and the way they 691 00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:06,920 Speaker 1: view others, and then discourage them from viewing it. Now, 692 00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:08,959 Speaker 1: there's so many other things that we could talk about, 693 00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:10,919 Speaker 1: you know what, There's one more thing I should mention. 694 00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:13,120 Speaker 1: Once you've had that conversation, it's important that you find 695 00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:15,359 Speaker 1: out how they feel about what you've said. That it's 696 00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:19,320 Speaker 1: a two way discussion. Otherwise it does turn into a lecture, 697 00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:21,000 Speaker 1: and that's the last thing we want because they will 698 00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:26,040 Speaker 1: switch off and they'll not internalize it. You might also 699 00:37:26,080 --> 00:37:28,319 Speaker 1: problem solve how can I keep you safe? What can 700 00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:31,360 Speaker 1: we do? You might talk about things like installing filters, 701 00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:35,520 Speaker 1: installing keystroke monitoring software, keeping devices out of bedrooms, and 702 00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:38,880 Speaker 1: whatever other strategies suit your family. I'm not advocating or 703 00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:41,000 Speaker 1: saying you shouldn't do any of those, but they are 704 00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:44,600 Speaker 1: alternatives that some parents use. Just let them know as 705 00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:48,959 Speaker 1: well that if they ever have any questions, you're always there. 706 00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:52,200 Speaker 1: Let them know that it's okay to be curious, but 707 00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:55,200 Speaker 1: to stay away from their stuff, and then just expand 708 00:37:55,239 --> 00:37:58,480 Speaker 1: on the conversation based on their responsiveness and their maturity 709 00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:01,919 Speaker 1: and their interest in the topic. Now there's a whole 710 00:38:01,920 --> 00:38:03,359 Speaker 1: lot of other things we can talk to them about. 711 00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:05,120 Speaker 1: We can talk to them about nuds, we can talk 712 00:38:05,160 --> 00:38:07,000 Speaker 1: to them about consent, we can talk to them about 713 00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:09,920 Speaker 1: the legal issues of having pornography when you're under the 714 00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:13,319 Speaker 1: age of eighteen, especially images of other under eighteens. You 715 00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:17,560 Speaker 1: can talk to them about respect and safety and pleasure 716 00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:20,200 Speaker 1: and enjoyment and intimacy and all those things. They all 717 00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:24,480 Speaker 1: need to be part of an ongoing conversation. So conversations 718 00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:27,960 Speaker 1: around healthy sexuality will actually set your teenager up for 719 00:38:28,080 --> 00:38:32,200 Speaker 1: more positive relationships and better relationship satisfaction and higher levels 720 00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:34,920 Speaker 1: of well being. And giving them a positive view of 721 00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:36,919 Speaker 1: what sex should be about and turning them away from 722 00:38:36,920 --> 00:38:41,080 Speaker 1: porn will help them. Just know, they will seek information online, 723 00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:44,040 Speaker 1: but they might get the wrong information. So when they're curious, 724 00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:45,680 Speaker 1: make sure they get to come to you. Keep the 725 00:38:45,719 --> 00:38:48,880 Speaker 1: talk positive sex is wonderful. They should know that, but 726 00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:52,360 Speaker 1: it needs to be something to look forward to with 727 00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:55,520 Speaker 1: the right person in the right place at the right time. 728 00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:59,640 Speaker 1: Porn in your pocket is the problem, and that's not sex. 729 00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:02,200 Speaker 1: All right, I think that's enough. Let's wrap this up. 730 00:39:02,239 --> 00:39:04,760 Speaker 1: Hopefully you're feeling like you can get through this. Hopefully 731 00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:07,879 Speaker 1: there's enough strategies that I've shared with you too help 732 00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:10,840 Speaker 1: you feel a little bit optimistic after such a heavy topic. 733 00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:13,800 Speaker 1: After the break, a quick summary and some final info 734 00:39:13,840 --> 00:39:17,080 Speaker 1: to finish up today's podcast, plus today's big question that 735 00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:18,239 Speaker 1: I want to ask of you. 736 00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:21,640 Speaker 8: Parenting is the most important thing we will ever do, 737 00:39:21,880 --> 00:39:24,200 Speaker 8: so it's important that we get it right. But with 738 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:27,359 Speaker 8: so much pressure, demands, and advice, it's hard to know 739 00:39:27,440 --> 00:39:30,680 Speaker 8: what our children really need. Using the very best scientific 740 00:39:30,719 --> 00:39:33,000 Speaker 8: research and then turning it into an easy to read 741 00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:36,120 Speaker 8: book and CD, What your Child Needs from You helps 742 00:39:36,120 --> 00:39:40,240 Speaker 8: you connect with, understand, and teach your children in meaningful ways. 743 00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:43,640 Speaker 8: What your Child Needs from You by Doctor Justin Coulson 744 00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:46,759 Speaker 8: is the parenting book that offers the solutions to make 745 00:39:46,800 --> 00:39:49,520 Speaker 8: you a better parent and help your family to be happier. 746 00:39:49,719 --> 00:39:53,040 Speaker 8: Available in paperback or CD at Happy Families Dot com 747 00:39:53,040 --> 00:39:53,600 Speaker 8: dot AU. 748 00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:57,080 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. I'm doctor Justin Coulson, and 749 00:39:57,320 --> 00:39:59,719 Speaker 1: in my podcast every week I ask a question for 750 00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:02,799 Speaker 1: you to consider. This week, I want to know has 751 00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:08,400 Speaker 1: this podcast changed your mind in regards to talking to 752 00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:11,600 Speaker 1: your child about pornography? And if your child's old enough 753 00:40:11,600 --> 00:40:13,279 Speaker 1: to chat with I'd like to know how it went. 754 00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:14,239 Speaker 1: Did you have the chat? 755 00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:14,440 Speaker 7: Now? 756 00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:17,840 Speaker 1: Don't don't share anything incriminating, don't share anything too personal, 757 00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:20,840 Speaker 1: but just share how it went, what you learned. Hopefully, 758 00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:25,040 Speaker 1: if you share at the Happy Family's website happy families 759 00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:27,960 Speaker 1: dot com dot I use slash podcast slash thirteen as 760 00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:30,799 Speaker 1: in the number thirteen, hopefully you can inspire other parents 761 00:40:30,840 --> 00:40:33,719 Speaker 1: who are really struggling with this. Maybe you can give 762 00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:37,160 Speaker 1: them some ideas that have worked for you. Okay, well 763 00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:40,960 Speaker 1: that's it for this week. We've talked about innocence lost. 764 00:40:41,200 --> 00:40:42,920 Speaker 1: I know it's been a heavy topic, but hopefully you've 765 00:40:42,960 --> 00:40:46,160 Speaker 1: enjoyed listening to the podcast and hopefully your family will 766 00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:48,880 Speaker 1: be happier and healthier because of it. I want to 767 00:40:48,960 --> 00:40:51,040 Speaker 1: let you know that my new book, twenty one Days 768 00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:53,279 Speaker 1: to a Happier Family has now been the number one 769 00:40:53,360 --> 00:40:56,120 Speaker 1: book on the Dimmick's parenting, health and lifestyle book lists 770 00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:58,959 Speaker 1: for the last four weeks since its release. It's going great. 771 00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:01,319 Speaker 1: If you haven't grabbed a copy yet, make sure you 772 00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:03,239 Speaker 1: take a look. It's well worth it. There's loads of 773 00:41:03,239 --> 00:41:05,800 Speaker 1: tips for making your family happier and even for setting 774 00:41:05,800 --> 00:41:08,760 Speaker 1: limits around stuff like pornography. A couple of pages devoted 775 00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:11,600 Speaker 1: to that very topic, as well as that. I'm offering 776 00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:14,239 Speaker 1: a special price for listeners of the podcast and for 777 00:41:14,320 --> 00:41:17,960 Speaker 1: my newsletter subscribers only. If you purchase the twenty one 778 00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:21,520 Speaker 1: Days to a Happier Family program, you'll get forty dollars 779 00:41:21,600 --> 00:41:24,640 Speaker 1: off between now and Monday, the twenty ninth of feb 780 00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:27,560 Speaker 1: You just have to use the code give me forty. 781 00:41:27,600 --> 00:41:32,479 Speaker 1: That's give me four zero, no spaces, all capitals, give 782 00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:35,480 Speaker 1: me forty. Use that at the checkout and you'll save 783 00:41:35,640 --> 00:41:39,120 Speaker 1: forty dollars. It's a really big saving actually, so hopefully 784 00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:41,000 Speaker 1: that'll be a bit of an incentive to check out 785 00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:45,319 Speaker 1: the twenty one Days to a Happier Family online video program. 786 00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:47,560 Speaker 1: If you've enjoyed the episode, by the way, you'll find 787 00:41:47,560 --> 00:41:50,200 Speaker 1: the outline and the resource links in the show notes 788 00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:53,080 Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot I use slash podcast 789 00:41:53,640 --> 00:41:57,120 Speaker 1: slash thirteen as in the number thirteen. And if you 790 00:41:57,160 --> 00:41:59,080 Speaker 1: think that this podcast can make a difference not just 791 00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:01,359 Speaker 1: for your family, but for other people's families as well, 792 00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:03,839 Speaker 1: please share it via the social media links at that 793 00:42:03,880 --> 00:42:08,920 Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast page. Okay, lastly, if you can, I'd 794 00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:11,399 Speaker 1: be thrilled if you'd rate the podcast on iTunes. If 795 00:42:11,400 --> 00:42:13,920 Speaker 1: you're still listening right now, it's your ratings that actually 796 00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:16,320 Speaker 1: determine how likely it is that other people will discover 797 00:42:16,400 --> 00:42:20,160 Speaker 1: the podcast, and the ratings boost the podcast's visibility. It 798 00:42:20,160 --> 00:42:21,799 Speaker 1: helps other people to find out how they can have 799 00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:24,880 Speaker 1: a happier family. So while you're there, subscribe on iTunes 800 00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:26,840 Speaker 1: as well. Let other people know that you love the podcast. 801 00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:29,600 Speaker 1: Thank you for listening. Got another podcast for you in 802 00:42:29,640 --> 00:42:32,840 Speaker 1: a fortnight, and until then, remember you don't have to 803 00:42:32,840 --> 00:42:35,359 Speaker 1: be the best parent in the world. You just have 804 00:42:35,400 --> 00:42:37,320 Speaker 1: to be the best parent in their world.