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Speaker 1: I kind of feel like I need to begin today's

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Speaker 1: podcast with a sigh, just a big ah, and I'll

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Speaker 1: tell you why, because kids and listening kids, and so

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Speaker 1: many times it's got to be one of the most

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Speaker 1: commonly asked questions that I get. And yet just recently

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Speaker 1: we had a situation at home where the kids weren't

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Speaker 1: listening to me, and I thought, what's the advice that

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Speaker 1: I give to everybody else because I need it right

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Speaker 1: now and I couldn't remember it. So I got a

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Speaker 1: little bit mad. I was like, come one, you've got

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Speaker 1: to do better than this. Why won't the kids listen?

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Speaker 1: Today on the Happy Families Podcast, five reasons your children

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Speaker 1: are not listening to you and five things you can

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Speaker 1: do to make them want to listen to you.

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Speaker 2: I know when our kids were younger, we actually wondered

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Speaker 2: whether we're or not. We had some hearing challenge.

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Speaker 1: We literally had one of the kids is tested. Paid

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Speaker 1: a lot of money for it. Government usually covers that

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Speaker 1: depending on which state you're in Australia. Now, I think

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Speaker 1: it's a federally covered thing, but if you're unsure, I mean,

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Speaker 1: let's acknowledge there is a serious side to this. If

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Speaker 1: you have a child with low hearing or no hearing,

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Speaker 1: then well this podcast episode is probably not for you,

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Speaker 1: and no, actually I think that it will be. But

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Speaker 1: we're mainly going to be talking about kids who have

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Speaker 1: perfectly good hearing and they just are not not responding.

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Speaker 1: They're non compliant. If you want to find out if

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Speaker 1: your kid's hearing is good, you can get the free test,

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Speaker 1: or you can stand at the door of the bedroom

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Speaker 1: that they're in and say who wants ice cream? You'll

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Speaker 1: get a response, you'll know an.

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Speaker 2: You can't just say who wants ice cream? You have

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Speaker 2: to whisper.

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Speaker 1: Of course, even while they're on a screen, they're still

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Speaker 1: going to look up and go uh huh. I mean

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Speaker 1: that's when you know.

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Speaker 2: Or you don't even have to say anything. Just open

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Speaker 2: a packet of biscuit.

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Speaker 1: Yeah they hear the crinkly yeah yeah, yeah they're there.

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Speaker 1: You got it, You got it? Okay. Five reasons. Five

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Speaker 1: reasons your children are not listening to you.

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Speaker 2: Can I tell you number one? It's two words, yeah,

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Speaker 2: care factor. They don't care what you're talking about.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, you're a five.

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Speaker 2: Year old and you're playing with your lego. The last

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Speaker 2: thing you want to do is look up and listen

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Speaker 2: to mum because she wants you to go brush your

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Speaker 2: teeth because it's time for bed.

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Speaker 1: And that's the critical thing. They're not listening because we're

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Speaker 1: asking them to do stuff. There's all of this correction

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Speaker 1: and direction. It's never fun to listen to Mum or

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Speaker 1: dad because they're telling me to do something that I

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Speaker 1: don't want to do. And just on that care factor,

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Speaker 1: I mean, this is a question of motivation, I guess.

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Speaker 1: But they don't have the same capacity, the same interest

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Speaker 1: in noticing things that we notice. So we walk into

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Speaker 1: the living room and we see two things on the

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Speaker 1: couch and three things on the floor, and we say, hm,

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Speaker 1: five things that need to be put away and then

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Speaker 1: this room will look beautiful. Kids walk into that living

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Speaker 1: room and they say lego.

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Speaker 2: Or they look pretty lonely. They need more stuff.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, my goodness. So care factor is a huge one.

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Speaker 1: A couple of other things. I want to make this point.

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Speaker 1: They are listening. They just don't like what you're saying.

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Speaker 1: I've said this to so many parents, and every time

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Speaker 1: I do, parents' eyes go ah, yeah yeah, because what

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Speaker 1: are you saying? How much how much reason are you

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Speaker 1: giving them to want to listen, usually not much. Unpack

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Speaker 1: the dish washer, put your bag away, pick up your towel,

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Speaker 1: Come to the table, Set the table. Why haven't you

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Speaker 1: fed the dogs yet? Like that, that's our conversation.

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Speaker 2: We've had this conversation every morning for the last few

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Speaker 2: weeks about whose tone it is to feed the dog?

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Speaker 2: I know, And yesterday morning I devised a plan. Oh

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Speaker 2: did you I did. I'd ask two different children over

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Speaker 2: a duration of about ten minutes, to feed the dogs.

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Speaker 2: There was no water in their bowls. They're scratching at

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Speaker 2: the door. They want their food.

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Speaker 1: Please don't call the RSPCR. Folks, we do look after

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Speaker 1: our dogs. It's just that sometimes they have to wait

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Speaker 1: for their dinner.

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Speaker 2: And after I finally asked the second child, who just

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Speaker 2: walked past me and ignored me, I went, right, okay, Annie,

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Speaker 2: you've got Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Lily you've got Tuesday Thursday

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Speaker 2: to teas. We can't forget that. And Emily you've got

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Speaker 2: the weekend. I need a plan that works for me

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Speaker 2: because I need to know. It has to be easy

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Speaker 2: for me to remember, right, because if I get to

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Speaker 2: Wednesday and I'm like, whose turn is it? No? One's

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Speaker 2: going to admit it's their turn, Whereas now I've got

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Speaker 2: a definite plan and they all looked at me and

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Speaker 2: they went okay, and the dogs got fed.

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Speaker 1: So we have gone sideways a bit here, But let's

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Speaker 1: just emphasize if you want your children to be confident,

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Speaker 1: there has to be structure, and what you've done in

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Speaker 1: fifteen seconds or less is device the structure that everyone's

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Speaker 1: willing to comply with. And now we can satisfactorily keep

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Speaker 1: the dogs fed. See no reason to call the RSPCA.

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Speaker 1: We've got this, we've got this cup. But I think

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Speaker 1: there's a couple of things that we need to highlight here.

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Speaker 1: You've mentioned number one, in fact number one for you

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Speaker 1: that they don't care. That's part of a broader issue

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Speaker 1: for me, and that is that they don't have the

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Speaker 1: same capacity to care because they're so egocentric. Children between

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Speaker 1: the ages of I don't know, two and sixty two

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Speaker 1: tend to really care about themselves and not other people.

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Speaker 1: Well that's probably unfair two and twelve sixty two, Yeah, okay,

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Speaker 1: And so what's important to you in your world is

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Speaker 1: just not important to them in their world. When you

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Speaker 1: say we need to get into the car. I have

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Speaker 1: a meeting, and if I'm late for the meeting, that's

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Speaker 1: going to be bad. The kids because are like, no,

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Speaker 1: it's not it doesn't affect me at all. I'm fine,

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Speaker 1: it doesn't affect them. So there's the capacity to care

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Speaker 1: that is tied to motivation and this idea of ego centrism.

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Speaker 1: It's about me, my needs, my focus, my attention, and.

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Speaker 2: Not because they're selfish, not literally, because developmentally this is

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Speaker 2: where they are at.

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Speaker 1: Yeah perspective, what you care about your issues are not

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Speaker 1: my issues, And that sounds really selfish. But when you're

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Speaker 1: when you don't have the developmental capacity to care about

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Speaker 1: somebody else's issues in a meaningful way, that's what you get.

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Speaker 1: That's why children are the way that they are once

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Speaker 1: they become teenagers. Another thing that happens is that other

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Speaker 1: voices simply become more interesting, parents' voices, being listened your

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Speaker 1: voice for more than a decade. Now I know it,

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Speaker 1: I've heard it. I'm used to it.

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Speaker 2: We just to draw like you just drag on.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think we also have to acknowledge near adiversity,

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Speaker 1: low hearing children, the impact of screens. Sometimes the kids

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Speaker 1: are so focused on this screen. I think got their

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Speaker 1: headphones in or on or whatever, really hard to drab

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Speaker 1: their attention. So Number one, kids don't have the same

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Speaker 1: capacity to care, and we've talked about all of that.

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Speaker 1: Number two, Kylie, kids don't have the same attention or capacity.

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Speaker 1: In other words, when you and I are talking, when

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Speaker 1: two adults are involved in a conversation, we're able to

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Speaker 1: engage in a way that kids aren't able to engage in.

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Speaker 1: They just don't have the same stamina, the same focus,

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Speaker 1: the same ability to zero in and say, okay, I'm listening,

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Speaker 1: I've got you. What's Number three, We will still love them.

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Speaker 1: We will still love them like a teacher or a coach,

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Speaker 1: or a friend or a neighbor or whoever it might be.

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Speaker 1: If kids don't follow the structure and the expectation, then

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Speaker 1: they might feel like they've lost the relationship. Other relationships

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Speaker 1: are short term. There's no guarantee that this is going

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Speaker 1: to keep going. But kids know I don't have to

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Speaker 1: listen to my parents, and they're obligated to continue to

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Speaker 1: love me. They've got me. It's cool. I can get

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Speaker 1: away with this.

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Speaker 2: But I also don't feel like they have the confidence

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Speaker 2: that they can push back on the teacher either. You know,

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Speaker 2: when you think about other adults, they've learned quickly. Societal

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Speaker 2: norms suggests in societal rules that we need to be

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Speaker 2: compliant in certain scenarios and situations.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, all the kids in the classroom are doing that

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Speaker 1: as well.

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Speaker 2: That's right. So there's this positive peer pressure that comes

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Speaker 2: in those settings when there's large numbers of kids all together.

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Speaker 1: Number four is that silence and refusal mean different things

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Speaker 1: to us than what they mean to the kids. So

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Speaker 1: if your child refuses to put shoes on or refuse

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Speaker 1: us to get their school bag ready, as a parent,

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Speaker 1: because you're flustered and stressed and you need to get

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Speaker 1: out the door, and so did they, you might see

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Speaker 1: that as obstinates or refusal or some other frustrating thing.

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Speaker 1: And guess what. For them, it might be that something

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Speaker 1: else matters more. Or it might be that they're scared

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Speaker 1: of going to school today because they know that that

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Speaker 1: presentation's due and they're not ready for it, or they

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Speaker 1: know that the teacher is not going to be there

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Speaker 1: and they're going to have a sub because they got

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Speaker 1: warning ahead of time, and they don't do well with

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Speaker 1: sub teachers. Those kinds of things.

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Speaker 2: I know with my teenagers when we sometimes having heated

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Speaker 2: conversations about why they haven't responded to me positively in

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Speaker 2: that moment, the acknowledgment is that I haven't recognized and

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Speaker 2: seen that they were in the middle of something, so

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Speaker 2: like I was just finishing what I was doing and

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Speaker 2: then I was going to get onto x y zed.

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Speaker 2: So again, perspective from our end is just as important

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Speaker 2: as perspective from their end.

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Speaker 1: Which kind of leads nicely into the fifth and final one,

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Speaker 1: and that is that quite often we talk to our

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Speaker 1: children and expect them to listen, but we do not

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Speaker 1: have their attention, so we're expecting that when we open

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Speaker 1: our mouths, everybody is going to focus on us. We

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Speaker 1: feel like we're the center of the universe instead of them.

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Speaker 2: We think about how many conversations you have with your

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Speaker 2: kids and you call out from the other room right

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Speaker 2: you're not even in the same space, You're not making

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Speaker 2: eye contact, and you're expecting immediate compliance.

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Speaker 1: After the break. Five things to do to help your

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Speaker 1: kids to want to listen to you.

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Speaker 2: So we've talked about five reasons why the kids won't

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Speaker 2: listen to us, but everyone what's a good solution. You

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Speaker 2: said before the break that you've got five reasons to

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Speaker 2: help our kids listen to us. I'd love to hear them, and.

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Speaker 1: They're all really easy. We can get through them super fast.

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Speaker 1: Number One, make sure you have their attention before you

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Speaker 1: talk to them.

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Speaker 2: This is really important for young kids, especially.

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Speaker 1: How obvious is this and how often do we not

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Speaker 1: do it? Yeah, just when you've got eye contact, when

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Speaker 1: there's some touch, when there's some genuine engagement, when you've

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Speaker 1: walked to them and said hey kiddo, and then you

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Speaker 1: see them look at you and say yeah mum or yeah,

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Speaker 1: that that's when you start talking.

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Speaker 2: You know. Touch you said touch, and it just like

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Speaker 2: visually the amount of times where I've tried to call

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Speaker 2: from the other room haven't got any response, And then

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Speaker 2: I've walked in on our ten year old who's got

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Speaker 2: her nose in a book and I've literally just touched

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Speaker 2: her on the shoulder, I touched her on the hand,

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Speaker 2: and instant she's looked up at me.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's instant. Just Number one, have their attention before

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Speaker 1: you start talking.

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Speaker 2: What's number two.

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Speaker 1: Number two is be involved, be involved. So quite often

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Speaker 1: we say go do this, Go do that there's a

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Speaker 1: lot of correction, a lot of direction, and not a

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Speaker 1: lot of connection.

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Speaker 2: I was thinking about this in relation to the classroom.

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Speaker 2: Teachers Obviously will will often have to do things and

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Speaker 2: not be literally with your child or with the class

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Speaker 2: as a whole, though they might race over to their

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Speaker 2: desk while they asked the kids to do something. But

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Speaker 2: more times than not, in a classroom situation, the teacher

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Speaker 2: say to the kids, all right, I want you two

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Speaker 2: straight lines here, find a partner and stand in line.

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Speaker 2: But they're standing in that line at the front of

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Speaker 2: the line, and they're making eye contact with those kids

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Speaker 2: as they're kind of you know, moving around the room.

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Speaker 2: They're right there with them. But at home, I know,

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Speaker 2: in my case, I'm like, okay, will you do this,

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Speaker 2: and I'll do the fifteen other things I've got to

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Speaker 2: do before we get out the door. And so as

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Speaker 2: soon as I walk out the door, they've forgot on

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Speaker 2: what I've said because they're engross and whatever they're doing.

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Speaker 1: That's why I love all in that nighttime routine that

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Speaker 1: we usually have, although lately it's been a bit shoddy,

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Speaker 1: where the whole family comes into the kitchen and we

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Speaker 1: clean up the meal together. It's involved time we can talk.

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Speaker 1: Everybody's listening, paying attention. No one complains during that period

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Speaker 1: that no one's listening to me. Because you're involved and

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Speaker 1: you're doing it together, I know, it feels like it's

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Speaker 1: going to take longer. The great paradox is that it

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Speaker 1: usually does not take as long because everybody's doing it together.

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Speaker 2: Or it does take longer, it it's because you're actually

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Speaker 2: enjoying yourself and having fun. You don't want it to end.

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Speaker 1: That's right, And relationships are not built on efficiency. It's

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Speaker 1: not the purpose of relationships. Number three. Just be patient,

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Speaker 1: like wait, call out to your child, maybe even invite

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Speaker 1: them to do something, and then wait. Because when I

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Speaker 1: ask parents how long they usually wait between request number

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Speaker 1: one and then the follow up, I just asked you

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Speaker 1: to do something, The answer by most parents is like

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Speaker 1: four seconds. Hey, put your shoes on.

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Speaker 2: You haven't moved yet.

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Speaker 1: I said, put your shoes on.

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Speaker 2: It like, give them a minute, just wait, just be

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Speaker 2: a little bit patient.

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Speaker 1: I think that it will it will help.

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Speaker 2: Number four.

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Speaker 1: This one is my favorite one because a lot of

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Speaker 1: parents say, oh, all this soft parenting where you get

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Speaker 1: down at their level and you look them in the

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Speaker 1: eyes and hold their sweet little hands and whisper sweet

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Speaker 1: nothings to them as you try to gently coax them

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Speaker 1: into doing what you want. No no, no, no, no accountability, accountability.

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Speaker 1: So I don't know how often you've seen me do this,

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Speaker 1: but I'll ask the kids to do something, and then

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Speaker 1: I will stand in front of them and just wait

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Speaker 1: until they move there but and get on with it.

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Speaker 1: And sometimes I'll stand there for twenty seconds and I'll

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Speaker 1: look up and they're like what, And I'll say, I

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Speaker 1: asked you to do something? What was it? And I'm

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Speaker 1: like oh, And They've got of the voices and all

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Speaker 1: the eye rolls. But I just stand there until they

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Speaker 1: get on with it, and I'll off it. Would you

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Speaker 1: like me to be involved with you while you do it?

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Speaker 1: We can do it together if you like. I just

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Speaker 1: I need you to do this. It's time and sometimes

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Speaker 1: it has to be done instantly. Other times I'll be like,

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Speaker 1: just get this done before the end of the week, right,

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Speaker 1: like the lawns need to be mode. I want it

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Speaker 1: done by the weekend.

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Speaker 2: As a tangent to this, I think are really a

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Speaker 2: wonderful principle that we've used in our home as gentle reminders.

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Speaker 2: We use a lot of words as parents, and when

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Speaker 2: we make a request and it's not done instantly. One

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Speaker 2: of the things that we have often used in our

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Speaker 2: home is just gone up to the kids and gone, hey, kiddo,

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Speaker 2: the lawns. We don't have to give them the long lecture.

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Speaker 2: It's a gentle reminder, but they know.

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Speaker 1: They still go, oh, but we're not nagging, right And

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Speaker 1: number five the last one, and I think this one's

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Speaker 1: probably the most important One've all be the kind of

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Speaker 1: person that they want to pay attention to.

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Speaker 2: You talk about the idea of soft parenting, and you know,

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Speaker 2: do I have to hold my kid's hand? But yeah,

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Speaker 2: I want to hold my kid's hand like they're my people,

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Speaker 2: and I want them to know that I'm their person.

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Speaker 2: And the softer I can be with them, the better

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Speaker 2: of my relationship is with them, and therefore I will

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Speaker 2: be the person they want to listen to.

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Speaker 1: I only going to use the word soft, and I

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Speaker 1: agree with you, but I would change the word or

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Speaker 1: maybe add another word, and that would be fun. Like

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Speaker 1: just recently, I was doing a seminar and somebody asked

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Speaker 1: a question about how do I how do I really

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Speaker 1: connect with my children better. And I gave all these long,

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Speaker 1: really good science the answers and all the I really

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Speaker 1: nailed the answer, and then I paused. Just as I

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Speaker 1: was finishing, I was like, you know what, all that's

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Speaker 1: really important, but if you really want to connect with

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Speaker 1: your kids, just make it fun. Be a fun person.

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Speaker 2: I just had a visual a flash mob. Ask the

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Speaker 2: kids to do something and break into songs. Yeah, just

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Speaker 2: make it fun, flashing lights. If they're not listening to you,

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Speaker 2: it's because you're probably not fun. I know that's a

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Speaker 2: bit of a sort of a bit of a slam,

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Speaker 2: but as parents, we can pretty much all acknowledge that

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Speaker 2: most of the time we are not fun, and if

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Speaker 2: we could be more fun, our kids would be really

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Speaker 2: happy to listen to us. One of my good mates

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Speaker 2: spend a lot of time riding bikes with this friend

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Speaker 2: of mine, Chris, and he is what I would call

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Speaker 2: just a brilliantly fun dad.

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Speaker 1: Chris. Every Friday, he's got this tradition. He takes the

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Speaker 1: kids down of the cafe and buys them breakfast. Spends

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Speaker 1: far too much money on breakfast, hates spending the money,

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Speaker 1: but just knows that the value of having that Friday

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Speaker 1: morning tradition with the kids. It's fun. He takes them

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Speaker 1: go karting that they're into that. He makes his own

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Speaker 1: he builds his own go karts. I mean, this guy

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Speaker 1: is just clearly not me. But he makes time together

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Speaker 1: fun and that's what you need to do. That's how

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Speaker 1: you build a relationship, right, you have fun together.

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Speaker 2: As parents, we're pretty highly strung most of the time.

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Speaker 1: Most of the time.

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Speaker 2: I remember a story about your friend Dave. You were

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Speaker 2: in the pool one day. Kids had these water soakas and.

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Speaker 1: We weren't in the pool. We got for a ride

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Speaker 1: on a stinking hot day. It was like forty two

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Speaker 1: degrees and we were thinking about getting in the pool,

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Speaker 1: but the water was so cold, and.

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Speaker 2: The kids were in there, weren't they they were they

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Speaker 2: were playing.

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Speaker 1: It was like it was so cold, so cold, And

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Speaker 1: I've did my toe in the water and I'm like, nuh,

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Speaker 1: not getting in there. And as I've turned around to

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Speaker 1: say to Dave, I don't think I'm having a swim,

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Speaker 1: I felt this icy pain in the smaller of my

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Speaker 1: back because the kids have hit me with a super

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Speaker 1: socer and I've turned around to get cranky at this

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Speaker 1: child to say, what are you doing? But I remember

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Speaker 1: I'm a parenting expert and I've got Dave the Bachelor,

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Speaker 1: forty two years old, no kids standing beside me, and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I've got to be really nice about this.

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Speaker 1: And before I could figure out what to say, they

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Speaker 1: hit him with the super socer right at the chest,

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Speaker 1: right in the chest, and you.

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Speaker 2: Know what he did.

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Speaker 1: He went ah, He grabbed his chest and then he

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Speaker 1: fell into the pool in spite of the fact that

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Speaker 1: it was so cold, and the kids swam over and

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Speaker 1: they jumped on his shoulders and they started to clamber

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Speaker 1: all over him, and I thought, hmmm, yeah, the pairing

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Speaker 1: experts being miserable on the side of the pool while

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Speaker 1: the guy with no kids is in there showing him

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Speaker 1: how to do it.

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Speaker 2: We've got to have more fun.

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Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin rule On.

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Speaker 1: We really hope that the ideas we've given you today

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Speaker 1: will help you to get the kids to listen better

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Speaker 1: and want to listen to you. Thanks so much for listening.

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Speaker 1: We love sharing these things with you. If you'd like

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Speaker 1: more about how to make you family happier, the best

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Speaker 1: stuff is in our Happy Families membership. You can find

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Speaker 1: it online at happyfamilies dot com dot au. Check it

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Speaker 1: out